The Grief Journey
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The Grief Journey ‘Let my heart be wise, it is God’s best gift’ EURIPIDES By David Flagg Let us turn to a summary of the bereavement process. The experience is ‘The trouble is my friends at church think different for everyone but it has certain I should be over it by now.’ common factors, and indeed seems to follow a similar pattern. So the stages of ‘I feel I should be able to cope.’ grief have often been identified and labelled in different ways. For simplicity’s ‘If only my faith were stronger I wouldn’t sake we shall see the process as a still be like this.’ fourfold one. It is worth noting that we do not move from one stage to another at It is heartfelt comments like these that clearly defined points. As the illustration have convinced me over some years that below indicates the stages give way to Christians need educating about a each other more subtly, and at times the natural and God given process called force of a stage we thought we had got grief. A survey of clergy (who deal over returns with unexpected poignancy. regularly in this field) revealed an It is also true that the journey of grief may appalling ignorance of the bereavement begin before our loved one or friend dies, process. What we need, therefore, is a if for example we know that they have a more informed awareness and a greater terminal illness. On the other hand acceptance of the grief journey. If it is sudden or accidental death will prolong natural and God-given then we cannot the early stages of grief and we may find expect as Christians to be exempt from it. ourselves saying things like, ‘I don’t think Indeed as Christians sensitive to the Holy it’s really hit me yet’. The diagram Spirit and in touch with our God-given suggests that there is a ‘peak’ of grief feelings, we shall often find ourselves that, as far as I understand it, is when more likely to experience grief or sorrow everything is going on at once. No one patterns. I am interpreting grief widely stage is completely resolved and there when I say this, because of course it is a may be a sense of confusion, stress and factor in many situations of loss or pain tension. It is always guesswork to put this as well as in the death of a loved one. As in terms of the passage of time, but as a we read the New Testament we find that rough guide we might observe that grief grief is a real and expressed emotion ‘peaks’ about six months to a year after it (e.g. Luke 19:41, John 11:35, Mark first begins. The whole process of the 14:34, Acts 20:37-38, Romans 8:26, diagram may take one to two years, or Hebrews 5:7). Indeed tears can be a considerably longer in the case of losing form of praying. marriage partners, parents or children. Years later the pain of a sorrow may suddenly feel as real as yesterday. 1 Unreality: ‘I don’t believe it’ different moments through the whole When painful truth dawns upon us we grief process. A good example is the cannot absorb it in one go. So the early desire to share something significant with stage of grief is one of numbness, not our loved one. ‘When I get home’, we say unlike suffering from shock. People have to ourselves without thinking, ‘I will tell described it as feeling ‘like cotton wool’ them about this . .’ and then suddenly and to some extent it is a kind of natural we realise they are not there to tell. This anaesthetic that wears off slowly as we kind of experience can catch us begin to be able to absorb the pain. unawares months after our bereavement began. There may be a sense that the dead person has ‘just gone on a long journey’ Reality: ‘I can’t bear it’ from which they will soon return. There Gradually the pain of our loss and the may also be a kind of euphoria which reality of our loved one’s absence carries us through this stage and which becomes more and more acute. This is causes others to say, ‘They are coping the stage when the grief will express absolutely wonderfully’. When this is itself and weeping from deep inside may linked with a strong Christian faith it can feel endless. We cry and cry but we do be regarded by onlookers as a sign that not exhaust the grief. Rather it exhausts the person has overcome their grief by us, and all kinds of physical, mental and means of their faith. It is important for spiritual symptoms can occur. Tiredness, helpers to realise that the stage of dizziness, sleeplessness and a kind of apparent wellbeing will not last. What ‘cloak’ of despair may overwhelm us. may last for quite a long time is the Depression at this stage may be viewed feeling deep within that ‘somehow I still as a protective cloak that we need in can’t believe it’. This unreality theme will order to let us get on with our grieving. continue to recur at some level and at We may be unable to cope with the 2 smallest of everyday demands. We may letting go and a commendation of the feel we are going out of our minds. Our departed, at a point in our journey when mind is likely to feel sluggish and probably we are unable to enter into that confused. We may forget things or forget process. But if we have participated in the word we wanted to use. How the funeral it remains there in our important it is to be reassured that this is memory as a powerful symbol to draw all perfectly normal . We are also in this upon. And there come moments when stage processing our memories, we ‘let the coffin go’ as we may have sometimes playing them over and over seen it go at the service. Tasks like again, and often saying ‘if only this’ or clearing out a bedroom or the wardrobe ‘what if that?’ We can feel totally also help us to move on. Literally moving insecure, expecting others around us to house can be the occasion when we turn be ill or die, because the secure a corner on the journey. Or we may go foundations of our world have been away, perhaps to a quiet place of retreat, shaken. This acute stage of grief is when where God can minister to us and help we need the support of friends who will us to handle some of our inner conflicts. simply listen, listen without comment or criticism as we need to talk about our Anniversaries are turning points, and loved one and as we express strong special days too like birthdays and feelings of sorrow, guilt, anger or fear. Christmas. Every time another one goes Often our anger will be directed at others, past we find ourselves (painfully) letting e.g. doctors, vicars, God himself. We go a little more. The celebration of a may find ourselves on a short fuse with Eucharist may be of great help, little time for the needs of others. Again, it especially if we are not able to be at the is important for our helpers to realise that funeral, and especially too where we are self-absorbed and we need to be traumatic death has occurred (accident, self-absorbed at this stage of the suicide, termination of pregnancy, process. miscarriage, etc). In such a ‘Eucharist of the Resurrection’ Christ dispels much of Adjustment: ‘What can I do to handle the darkness and heaviness around our it?’ loss. Slowly we move towards the possibility of adjusting to our loss. The depth of our Moving On: ‘I feel better but I’ll never pain has been reached and we find some be the same again’ energy to work at how we can move The length of time which it takes to come forward. Still there will be times when we through our grief journey varies from seem to take one step forward and ten situation to situation. And we are never back. Often others will notice that we are the same again. It is not simply a ‘coming through’ the worst before we do. question of getting back to normal. The process of adjustment may well Something within us has died with the include tying up unfinished business. loved one and something also comes to Regrets, hurts, things said or not said – new life as we chart a new course somehow these need to be resolved. without them. Certain pockets of our grief Skilled counselling may be helpful in this are likely to remain so that experiences phase. Prayer and ministry can move us of rejection or loss can awaken the pain. on as the Lord heals some of the loose It remains a vulnerable area. We shall ends and hurt places. The gradual task of still need some insight into the ways letting go begins. We need to let go of aspects of our grief are unresolved. We our loved one and to commit them may well need skilled help even years wholeheartedly to God. All along the grief after a bereavement. journey there are symbolic moments that may help us. The funeral service is a 3 • We need people who understand and accept that living with a bereaved person is hard work.