Mel says, “This is swell! But it’s not ideal—it’s a free, grainy PDF.”
Attain your ideals! Purchase a nicer, printable PDF of this issue. Or nicest of all, subscribe to the paper version of the Annals of Improbable Research (six issues per year, delivered to your doorstep!). To purchase pretty PDFs, or to subscribe to splendid paper, go to http://www.improbable.com/magazine/ ANNALS OF Special Issue The 2009 Ig® Nobel Prizes
Panda poo spinoff, Tequila-based diamonds, 11> Chernobyl-inspired bra/mask… NOVEMBER|DECEMBER 2009 (volume 15, number 6) $6.50 US|$9.50 CAN 027447088921 The journal of record for infated research and personalities
Annals of © 2009 Annals of Improbable Research Improbable Research ISSN 1079-5146 print / 1935-6862 online AIR, P.O. Box 380853, Cambridge, MA 02238, USA “Improbable Research” and “Ig” and the tumbled thinker logo are all reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off. 617-491-4437 FAX: 617-661-0927 www.improbable.com [email protected] EDITORIAL: [email protected] The journal of record for inflated research and personalities
Co-founders Commutative Editor VP, Human Resources Circulation (Counter-clockwise) Marc Abrahams Stanley Eigen Robin Abrahams James Mahoney Alexander Kohn Northeastern U. Research Researchers Webmaster Editor Associative Editor Kristine Danowski, Julia Lunetta Marc Abrahams Mark Dionne Martin Gardiner, Tom Gill, [email protected] Mary Kroner, Wendy Mattson, General Factotum (web) [email protected] Dissociative Editor Katherine Meusey, Srinivasan Jesse Eppers Rose Fox Rajagopalan, Tom Roberts, Admin Tom Ulrich Technical Eminence Grise Lisa Birk Psychology Editor Dave Feldman Robin Abrahams Design and Art European Bureau Geri Sullivan Art Director emerita Kees Moeliker, Bureau Chief Contributing Editors PROmote Communications Peaco Todd Rotterdam Otto Didact, Stephen Drew, Ernest Lois Malone Webmaster emerita [email protected] Ersatz, Emil Filterbag, Karen Rich & Famous Graphics Steve Farrar, Edinburgh Desk Chief Hopkin, Alice Kaswell, Nick Kim, Amy Gorin Erwin J.O. Kompanje Katherine Lee, Bissel Mango, Circulation Director Willem O. de Jongste Randall Monroe, Steve Nadis, Katherine Meusey Dariusz Jemielniak, Warsaw Nan Swift, Tenzing Terwilliger, Desk Chief Marina Tsipis, Bertha Vanatian
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2 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Contents The features marked with a star (*) are based entirely on material taken straight from standard research (and other Official and Therefore Always Correct) literature. Many of the other articles are genuine, too, but we don’t know which ones.
Special Section: The 2009 Ig Nobel Prizes 6 The 2009 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony*—Stephen Drew 10 The 2009 Ig Nobel Prize Winners* 13 The Acceptance Speeches* 17 The Keynote Address* ® 18 The 24/7 Lectures* 20 The Hundred Trillion Dollar Book*—Alice Shirrell Kaswell 21 LIBRETTO: The Big Bank Opera—L. van. Beethoven, G. Rossini, M. Abrahams
Improbable Research On the Front Cover 25 Hand Sanitizing: An Informal Look* Javier Morales (standing) and —John Trinkaus Miquel Apátiga (kneeling), co-discoverers of a way to convert tequila into diamonds, Improbable Research Reviews* finish up their acceptance speech, 4 Improbable Research Review*—Dirk Manley with encouragement of a sort for eight-year-old Miss Sweetie Poo. 5 Improbable Medical Review*—Bertha Vanatian Photo: Eric Workman. 26 May We Recommend*—Stephen Drew On the Back Cover News & Notes Maria Ferrante and Ben Sears play their roles as hyper-ambitious 2 AIR Vents (letters from our readers) young bankers in the premier of 16 CARTOON: “Antibiotic Resistance”—Nick Kim “The Big Bank Opera,” a part of the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize ceremony. 20 AIR Books Photo: Alexey Eliseev. 19 Teachers’ Guide 25 Back Issues 4 Editorial Board 26 HMO-NO News: Tough Love! Coming Events 28 XKCD: “String Theory”—Randall Munroe IBC Unclassified Ads February 19, 2010 AAAS Annual Meeting, San Diego March 2010 Ig Nobel Tour of the UK Every Day April/May 2010 Ig Nobel Europe Tour September 30, 2010 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony Read something new and improbable October 2, 2010 Ig Informal Lectures every day on the Improbable Research blog, on our web site: See WWW.IMPROBABLE.COM for details of www.improbable.com these and other events.
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 1 AIR Vents Exhalations from our readers
NOTE: The opinions expressed A Troublesome Incompetent here represent the opinions of the authors and do not Word Breath Test necessarily represent the This has been eating at me for I, too, am a student of opinions of those who hold several years. While I applaud the history of breath other opinions. the groundbreaking research testing equipment. paradigm used by Alice Shirrell Tyrone Amphew’s letter Utility of Ig Nobel Kaswell reported in the July/ (AIR Vents 15:4) about Prizes to Soldiers August 2003 issue of AIR, the famous Montague I suggest that in the future Laboratory experiments Most of the research done by she should watch out for the is very, very misleading, the winners of the Ig Nobel problem of personal bias in her to say the least. I Prizes has little effect on my research work. What she hates have a copy of the daily life. For instance the 2003 is her business, and shouldn’t entire photo, enclosed biology prize for research into enter into her carrying out a here. What Amphew mallard duck necrophilia, or the research protocol or reporting showed was just a 2005 chemistry prize looking on the results and their piece of it. A glance is Detection Laboratories” into why a certain Japanese implications. enough to show any engineer course, which is among the statue does not attract pigeons. most popular courses I teach, Oh… perhaps she meant to at least six reasons why the as any of my former students But a 1994 study chronicles a write that she was *loath* to Montague device would have will be happy to tell you. result I and my fellow soldiers predict that her results would been unreliable. I challenge deployed to Iraq contend with. settle the question. your readers to list all six. It Professor Lee Forrester That year’s biology prize was is a challenge I issue to my Department of Electrical and [This point was brought to presented to W. Brian Sweeney, students every spring in my Gas Engineering my attention by my twin Brian Krafte-Jacobs, Jeffrey “Engineering for Alcohol Planwick University stepbrother Dabney M. W. Britton, and Wayne Hansen, Detection for Forensic Warlington, U.K. Copeland of Parchman College. for their breakthrough study, I pass it along in his behalf “The Constipated Serviceman: because of your picky editorial Prevalence Among Deployed policies about who may U.S. Troops,” and especially submit letters.] for their numerical analysis of bowel movement frequency. Bob Harbort, Ph.D. Prof. of CS and The food in our chow halls is Software Engineering very good, and the field rations Southern Polytechnic State U. are a vast improvement over the Marietta, GA canned ham and eggs or canned spam I was eating in the 1970s. But the total effect of meat and Agrees Object is white flour leaves us spending Not Prussian way too much time in the I disagree with Doris Morra (AIR Vents 130-degree-plus porta-potties 15:4) and Sugreeva Baliga (AIR Vents 15:5) we refer to as shit ovens. I eat that Olivia Rausch is necessarily a moron. high fiber cereal for breakfast I of course agree with them that the photo every day, hoping to avoid in Rausch’s article (“Museum Treasures becoming a Sweeney et al. for Children,” AIR 14:7) does not show a data point. “disused late-nineteenth century Prussian SGT. Neil Gussman, U.S. Army cannon shell” as Rausch claims, and that Tallil Ali Air Base, Iraq it is a piece of whale anatomy. We must, however, allow for the possibility that Rausch is an over-sheltered ignoramus. By the way, I, like Dr. Baliga, have a husband who has one exactly like it. Dr. Minka Cosgrove Mumbai, India
2 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Mel Re-Located, Again You are going to hate me even more than you already must. I “corrections,” had obliterated much of the photo. When last I wrote I apologize for taking up your time and so very many pages of your thought that Mel is clearly visible at the lower left. I circled his image. letters column. Thank you for publishing my now-sadly-lengthy series I was wrong. I now see where he is. I have obliterated much of the rest of letters (most recently in AIR Vents 15:5) in reproducing increasingly of the image, for the sake of not confusing your readers. Again thank marked-up versions of our photographic treasure. My assistant you for your patience as I have sorted out this unfortunate mix-up. Gruber’s replacement, Steiner, who has a remarkable track record Lheal Chormnast (that’s why I hired him), had demonstrated to my satisfaction that TRPNOF Archives Mel really in this photograph. Of course I, through my heavy-handed Moldavia
A Guide to the Stars * Nobel Laureate Annals of ** world’s highest IQ *** convicted felon Improbable Research Editorial Board **** misspelled Anthropology Food Research Molecular Biology Physics ***** sibling rivalry Jonathan Marks, U. North Carolina Massimo Marcone, U. of Guelph Walter Gilbert*, Harvard U. Len Fisher*******, ****** six stars Archaeology Forensic Biology & Criminalistics Richard Roberts*, New England Biolabs Bristol U., UK ******* Ig Nobel Winner Angela E. Close, U. Washington Mark Benecke, Int’l Forensic Res., Köln Molecular Pharmacology Jerome Friedman*, MIT Sheldon Glashow*, Boston U. Astrochemistry Functional Biology & Morphology Lloyd Fricker, Einstein Coll. of Medicine Karl Kruszelnicki*******, U. Sydney Scott Sandford, NASA/Ames Frank Fish, West Chester U. Neuroengineering Harry Lipkin, Weizmann Inst. Rebecca German, Johns Hopkins U. Jerome Lettvin, MIT Astronomy Douglas Osheroff*, Stanford U. Richard Wassersug*******, Dalhousie U. Robert Kirshner, Harvard U. Neurology Frank Wilczek*, MIT Jay M. Pasachoff, Williams Coll. Genetics Thomas D. Sabin, Tufts U. Political Science Eric Schulman, Alexandria, Virginia Michael Hengartner, U. of Zürich Nutrition Richard G. Neimi****, Rochester, NY David Slavsky. Loyola U., Chicago Geology Brian Wansink*******, Cornell U. Psychiatry and Neurology Biochemistry John C. Holden, Omak, WA Ornithology Robert Hoffman, Daly City, CA Edwin Krebs*, U. Washington John Splettstoesser, Waconia, MN Kees Moeliker*******, Natuurhistorisch Psychology Biology History of Science & Medicine Museum Rotterdam Dan Ariely*******, Duke U Dany Adams, Tufts U. Tim Healey, Barnsley, England Obstetrics & Gynecology Louis G. Lippman, Western Wash. U. Lawrence Dill*******, Simon Fraser U. Immunology Pek van Andel*******, Medical Faculty G. Neil Martin, Middlesex U., UK Biomaterials Falk Fish, Orgenics, Ltd., Yavne, Israel Groningen, The Netherlands Chris McManus*******, University Coll. Alan S. Litsky, Ohio State U. Infectious Diseases Eberhard W. Lisse, Swakopmund State London Biophysics James Michel*****, Harvard U. Hospital, Namibia Neil J. Salkind, U. of Kansas Leonard X. Finegold, Drexel U. Intelligence Orthopedic Surgery Pulmonary Medicine Biotechnology Marilyn Vos Savant**, New York, NY Glenn R. Johnson, Bemidji, MN Traian Mihaescu, Iasi, Romania A. Stephen Dahms, Alfred E. Mann Law Paleontology Science Policy Foundation William J. Maloney, New York, NY Sally Shelton, Museum of Geology, South Al Teich, American Assn for the Advancement Bureaucracy Ronald A. May, Little Rock, AR Dakota School of Mines and Technology of Science Earle Spamer, American Philosophical Society, Miriam Bloom, SciWrite, Jackson, MS Library & Info Sciences Stochastic Processes Philadelphia, PA Cardiology Regina Reynolds, Library of Congress (selected at random from amongst Thomas Michel*****, Harvard Med. School George Valas, Budapest, Hungary Parasitology our subscribers) Wendy Cooper, Australian Pest & Chemistry Norman D. Stevens, U. of Connecticut Olaf Christ Vet. Med. Auth. Dudley Herschbach*, Harvard U. Marine Biology Hamburg, Germany William Lipscomb*, Harvard U. Magnus Wahlberg*******, U. of Pediatrics Swordswallowing Ronald M. Mack, Bowman Gray Computer Science Southern Denmark Dan Meyer *******, Cutting Edge School of Med. Dennis Frailey, Texas Instruments, Plano, TX Materials Science Innertainment Robert T. Morris***, MIT Robert M. Rose, MIT Pharmacology Women’s Health Stanton G. Kimmel, Normal, OK Margo Seltzer, Harvard U. Medical Ethics Andrea Dunaif, Northwestern U. Economics Erwin J.O. Kompanje, Erasmus MC Philosophy JoAnn Manson, Brigham & Women’s Hosp. Ernst W. Stromsdorfer, Washington St. U. University, Rotterdam George Englebretson, Bishop’s U., Quebec Engineering Methodology Dean Kamen, DEKA Research Rod Levine, National Insts of Health
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 3 Improbable Research Review Improbable theories, experiments, and conclusions
compiled by Dirk Manley, Improbable Research staff
Caffeine Through Ten Camels “The Pharmacokinetics, Metabolism and Urinary Detection Time of Caffeine in Camels,” I.A. WASFI, N.S. Boni, M. Elghazali, A.A. Abdel Hadi, A.M. Almuhrami, I.M. Barezaig, and N.A. Alkatheeri, Research in Veterinary Science, vol. 69, no. 1, August 2000, pp. 69–74, DOI 10.1053/rvsc.2000.0389. The authors, at Camel Racing Laboratory, Forensic Science Laboratory in Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates, report The pharmacokinetics of caffeine were determined in 10 camels after an intravenous dose of 2·35 mg kg–1…. Caffeine could be detected in the urine for 14 days.
Detail from the study by Wasfi and colleagues.
Sic Transit Peanut “Detection and Determination of Theobromine and Caffeine in Urine After Administration of Chocolate-Coated Peanuts to Horses,” T.M. Dyke and R.A. Sams, Journal of Analytical Toxicology, vol. 22, no. 2, March–April 1998, pp. 112–6.
We welcome your suggestions for this and other columns. Please enclose the full citation (no abbreviations!) and, if possible, a copy of the paper.
4 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Improbable Medical Review Improbable diagnoses, techniques, and research
compiled by Bertha Vanatian, Improbable Research staff
Knuckle Cracking (1975) “The Consequences of Habitual Knuckle Cracking,” Robert L. Swezey and Stuart E. Swezey, Western Journal of Medicine, vol. 122, no. 5, May 1975, pp. 377–9. The authors, at the University of Southern California School Knuckle Cracking (1999) of Medicine, Los Angeles, report: “Consequences of Knuckle Cracking: A Report of Two Acute Habitual knuckle cracking in children has been Injuries,” P.S. Chan, D.R. Steinberg, and D.J. Bozentka, considered a cause of arthritis. A survey of a American Journal of Orthopedics, vol. 28, no. 2, February geriatric patient population with a history of 1999, pp. 113–4. The authors, at University of Pennsylvania knuckle cracking failed to show a correlation Medical Center, report: between knuckle cracking and degenerative changes of the metacarpal phalangeal joints. A question commonly asked of physicians focuses on the possible deleterious effects of knuckle cracking…. We present two cases in which acute injuries were suffered while the patients were attempting to crack their knuckles…. Our investigation shows that acute injuries can result from the forceful manipulation needed to achieve the audible pop of cracking knuckles and that patients should be counseled accordingly. Mouthful Comparison “Pancreaticogastrostomy Compared with Pancreaticojejunostomy after Pancreaticoduodenectomy,” J.P. Arnaud, J.J. Tuech, C. Cervi, and R. Bergamaschi, European Journal of Surgery, vol. 165, no. 4, April 1999, pp. 357–62. (Thanks to Gary B. Rollman for bringing this to our attention.) The authors are at the University Hospital of Angers, France.
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 5 The 2009 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony by Stephen Drew, Improbable Research staff
Brassiere/face mask devices, hundred-trillion-dollar This year’s winners come from four continents. banknotes, diamonds made from tequila, collapsed banks, The Ig Nobel Prizes were physically handed to the winners and knuckle-cracking were much in evidence at the 19th by nine genuine Nobel laureates Rich Roberts (physiology/ First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. medicine, 1993), Wolfgang Ketterle (physics, 2001), Dudley The 2009 Ig Nobel Prizes, honoring achievements that Herschbach (chemistry, 1986), Paul Krugman (economics, first make people LAUGH and then make them THINK, 2008), Roy Glauber (physics, 2005), Orhan Pamuk were awarded on Thursday evening, October 1, at Harvard (literature, 2006), Frank Wilczek (physics, 2004), William University’s historic Sanders Theatre before 1200 spectators Lipscomb (chemistry, 1976), and Martin Chalfie (chemistry, in a ceremony filled with risk, sword-swallowing, opera 2008). Professor Chalfie was the prize in the Win-a-Date- singers, and paper airplanes. Around the world, thousands With-a-Nobel-Laureate Contest. watched via live webcast. The ceremony was produced by the Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) and co-sponsored by the Harvard–Radcliffe Science Fiction Association, the Harvard–Radcliffe Society of Physics Students, and the Harvard Computer Society.
Top: At the close of the ceremony, the new Ig Nobel Prize winners, the Nobel laureates, the keynote speaker, the 24/7 lecturers, and the returning Ig winners all gathered for a pointless photo opportunity. Photo: Richard Baguley.
Left: As part of this year’s theme—risk—players foated in and out of a poker game on stage. At the moment this image was made, the players were (left to right): Nobel laureate Wolfgang Ketterle, returning Ig winner Francis Fesmire, referee John Barrett, and 24/7 lecturer Wade Adams. Photo: Eric Workman.
6 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Peace Prize winner Stephan Bolliger used part of his on-minute acceptance speech to smash a bottle over his head. Human Curtain Rod Emily Coombs reacts. Photo: Alexey Eliseev.
Risk, Risk, Risk The evening also featured numerous tributes to the theme of “Risk.” The one-minute-long keynote address was delivered by Benoit Mandelbrot, the mathematician who showed how financial markets are fraught with wildness and risk (and who also invented fractals). Throughout the entire ceremony, Professor Mandelbrot and the ten Nobel laureates took turns playing in a poker game on stage. The ceremony included the premiere of a new mini-opera called “The Big Bank Opera,” in which stylish bankers in a swanky Wall Street bar explain the explosive rise and fall of big banking and big bankers. It starred singers Maria Ferrante and Ben Sears, with conductor David Stockton. Brevity, Thanks to a Young Girl Each new winner was permitted a maximum of sixty (60) seconds to deliver an acceptance speech; the time limit was enforced by a cute but implacable eight-year-old girl.
Above: Surrounded by Nobel Laureates (and returning Ig winner Rebecca Waber) at the end of the evening, Miss Sweetie Poo examines some of the bribes that winners offered to her. Photo: Alexey Eliseev.
Left:: Miss Sweetie Poo helps Ig Nobel biology prize winner Fumaiki Taguchi remember to finish his acceptance speech in a timely fashion. Photo: Richard Baguley.
2009 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony continued > www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 7 Demonstrations Dr. Elena Bodnar, who won the public health prize for inventing a bra that instantly converts into a pair of face masks, gave a demonstration involving herself and several of the scientists. Stephan Bolliger, whose team won the peace prize for determining whether it is better to be smashed over the head with a full bottle of beer or an empty bottle, smashed an empty bottle on his own head. Triumphant Returns: Coke, Flamingos, Placebos, Finger, and Sword Several former Ig Nobel Prize winners were present, greeted with glee from the audience. These included Deborah Anderson (a doctor who investigated whether Coca-Cola is an effective spermicide); Don Featherstone (creator of the plastic pink flamingo); Rebecca Waber (an experimenter who showed that high-priced fake medicine is more effective than low-priced At the Ig Informal Lectures, held at MIT two days after fake medicine); Francis Fesmire (the first doctor to cure the Ig Nobel Prize ceremony, medicine prize winner intractable hiccups by applying digital rectal massage); Dr. Donald Unger demonstrates how he cracks the and –Dan Meyer (co-author of a study about the medical knuckles of his left hand. Photo: Robin Abrahams. effects of sword-swallowing).
Some of the ceremony participants. Kneeling (from left to right): Paul Krugman, Martin Chalfie, Miss Sweetie Poo, Rebecca Waber, Frank Wilczek, Peter Rowlinson. Standing (from left to right): Wade Adams, Roy Glauber (with conical hat), Wolfgang Ketterle, Orhan Pamuk, Dudley Herschbach, Stephen Wolfram, Rich Roberts (with cylindrical hat), Karolina Lewestam, Benoit Mandelbrot, Dan Meyer. Note that Miss Sweetie Poo is holding some of the bribes that winners offered to her. She took everything, yet gave no quarter. Photo: Alexey Eliseev.
8 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Above: Keynote speaker Benoit Mandelbrot and eight Nobel laureates (Rich Roberts, Wolfgang Ketterle, Dudley Herschbach, Paul Krugman, Roy Glauber, Frank Wilczek, William Lipscomb, and Martin Chalfie) pull a sword from the throat of 2007 Ig Nobel Medicine Prize winner Dan Meyer. A ninth Nobel laureate, Orhan Pamuk, observed from the audience. Photo: Alexey Eliseev. Right: Every year one lucky audience member wins a date in the Win-a-Date- with-a-Nobel-Laureate Contest. Here this year’s winner collects her prize, Nobel Laureate Martin Chalfie. Photo: David Holzman.
Exit the Blade: Meyer Sets a New World Record During the ceremony, Mr. Meyer set a new world record for how many Nobel laureates can simultaneously withdraw a sword from the throat of a sword-swallower. The new record is eight. And Then Some Marc Abrahams, master of ceremonies (and editor of the Annals of Improbable Research), closed the ceremony with the traditional farewell: “If you didn’t win an Ig Nobel prize tonight—and especially if you did—better luck next year.” Two days later, the new winners tried to explain themselves at greater length (five minutes each) in free public lectures—the Ig Informal Lectures—at MIT . The event was broadcast live on the Internet, and can be seen in recorded form at www.improbable.com.
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 9 The 2009 Ig Nobel Prize Winners
Here are the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize winners. Each has done something that first makes people laugh, then makes them think.
Veterinary Medicine Prize Economics Prize Catherine Douglas and Peter Rowlinson of Newcastle The directors, executives, and auditors of four Icelandic University, Newcastle-Upon-Tyne, U.K., for showing that banks—Kaupthing Bank, Landsbanki, Glitnir Bank, and cows that have names give more milk than cows that are Central Bank of Iceland—for demonstrating that tiny banks nameless. can be rapidly transformed into huge banks, and vice versa— REFERENCE: “Exploring Stock Managers’ Perceptions and for demonstrating that similar things can be done to an of the Human-Animal Relationship on Dairy Farms and an entire national economy. Association with Milk Production,” Catherine Bertenshaw [Douglas] and Peter Rowlinson, Anthrozoos, vol. 22, no. 1, March 2009, pp. 59–69, DOI 10.2752/175303708X390473. WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: Peter Rowlinson. Catherine Douglas was unable to travel because she recently gave birth; she sent a photo of herself, her new daughter dressed in a cow suit, and a cow.
Chemistry Prize Javier Morales, Miguel Apátiga, and Victor M. Castaño of Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México, for creating diamonds from liquid—specifically from tequila. REFERENCE: “Growth of Diamond Films from Tequila,” Javier Morales, Miguel Apatiga, and Victor M. Castano, 2008, arXiv 0806.1485. WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: Javier Morales and Miguel Apátiga.
Medicine Prize Peace Prize Donald L. Unger, of Thousand Oaks, California, U.S.A., for Stephan Bolliger, Steffen Ross, Lars investigating a possible cause of arthritis of the fingers, by Oesterhelweg, Michael Thali and Beat diligently cracking the knuckles of his left hand—but never Kneubuehl of the University of Bern, cracking the knuckles of his right hand—every day for more Switzerland, for determining—by than sixty (60) years. experiment—whether it is better to be REFERENCE: “Does Knuckle Cracking Lead to Arthritis of smashed over the head with a full bottle the Fingers?”, Donald L. Unger, Arthritis and Rheumatism, of beer or with an empty bottle. vol. 41, no. 5, 1998, pp. 949–50. REFERENCE: “Are Full or Empty Beer WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: Donald Unger. Bottles Sturdier and Does Their Fracture- Threshold Suffice to Break the Human Skull?”, Stephan A. Bolliger, Steffen Ross, Lars Oesterhelweg, Michael J. Thali and Beat P. Kneubuehl, Journal of Forensic and Legal Medicine, vol. 16, no. 3, April 2009, pp. 138–42, DOI 10.1016/j.jfm.2008.07.013. A beer bottle used in the peace prize- WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: winning study. Stephan Bolliger.
10 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Literature Prize Ireland’s police service (An Garda Siochana), for writing and presenting more than fifty traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country—Prawo Jazdy—whose name in Polish means “Driving License”. WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: [Karolina Lewestam, a Polish citizen and holder of a Polish driver’s license, speaking on behalf of all her fellow Polish licensed drivers, expressed her good wishes to the Irish police service.]
Logo of the Irish police service, winner of the Ig Nobel peace prize. Public Health Prize Elena N. Bodnar, Raphael C. Lee, and Sandra Marijan of Chicago, Illinois, U.S.A., for inventing a brassiere that, in an Physics Prize emergency, can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks, one for the brassiere wearer and one to be given Katherine K. Whitcome of the University of Cincinnati, to some needy bystander. U.S.A.; Daniel E. Lieberman of Harvard University, U.S.A.; and Liza J. Shapiro of the University of Texas, U.S.A., for REFERENCE: U.S. patent # 7255627, granted August 14, analytically determining why pregnant women don’t tip over. 2007 for a “Garment Device Convertible to One or More Facemasks.” REFERENCE: “Fetal Load and the Evolution of Lumbar Lordosis in Bipedal Hominins,” Katherine K. Whitcome, WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: Elena Bodnar. Liza J. Shapiro, and Daniel E. Lieberman, Nature, vol. 450, December 13, 2007, pp. 1075–8, DOI 10.1038/nature06342. WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: Katherine Whitcome and Daniel Lieberman.
Detail from the brassiere/mask patent.
2009 Ig Nobel Prize Winners continued > www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 11 Mathematics Prize Gideon Gono, governor of Zimbabwe’s Reserve Bank, for giving people a simple, everyday way to cope with a wide range of numbers—from very small to very big—by having his bank print bank notes with denominations ranging from one cent ($.01) to one hundred trillion dollars ($100,000,000,000,000). REFERENCE: Zimbabwe’s Casino Economy— Extraordinary Measures for Extraordinary Challenges, Gideon Gono, ZPH Publishers, Harare, 2008, ISBN 978-0-79743-679-4. Biology Prize Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu, and Zhang Guanglei of Kitasato University Graduate School of Medical Sciences in Sagamihara, Japan, for demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced more than 90% in mass using bacteria extracted from the feces of giant pandas. REFERENCE: “Microbial Treatment of Kitchen Refuse With Enzyme-Producing Thermophilic Bacteria From Giant Panda Feces,” Fumiaki Taguchia, Song Guofua, and Zhang Guanglei, Seibutsu-kogaku Kaishi, vol. 79, no 12, 2001, pp. 463–9. REFERENCE: “Microbial Treatment of Food-Production Waste with Thermopile Enzyme-Producing Bacterial Flora from a Giant Panda” [in Japanese], Fumiaki Taguchi, Song Guofu, Yasunori Sugai, Hiroyasu Kudo, and Akira Koikeda, Journal of the Japan Society of Waste Management Experts, vol. 14, no. 2, 2003, pp. 76–82. WHO ATTENDED THE CEREMONY: Fumiaki Taguchi.
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12 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com The Acceptance Speeches
Here are the acceptance speeches by the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize winners. Many exceeded the one-minute time limit, a fact that eight-year-old Miss Sweetie Poo promptly brought to their attention.
Veterinary Medicine Prize [showing that cows who have names give more milk than cows that are nameless] Peter Rowlinson: “I grew up on a dairy farm in Suffolk, 15 miles from Cambridge. I find myself geographically challenged being here [in Cambridge, Mass.]—yet over 3,000 miles from home. Cath, the senior author of this work, is unable to be here. Along the theme of RISK, she was unaware of the contraceptive benefits of Coca Cola—resulting in pregnancy! She has recently Veterinary medicine winner prize Peter Rowlinson receives had a baby. You can see [in the projected photograph] that her his prize from Paul Krugman. Photo: Alexey Eliseev. baby girl is a black and white Holstein Friesian. “At Newcastle we have an interest in interactions between humans and domestic animals. We undertook a series of studies on young dairy cattle which showed benefits of positive treatment during rearing. From a survey came the finding that cows with names gave more milk! “So, what does this tell us? It’s just part of good stockmanship. Farmers that know and care for their cows. “There are many that I would like to thank, some humans, but mainly the cows! So, Thank you to: Bluebell ( my father’s favourite cow); Clover; Buttercup; Daisy; have you noticed the preference for flower names?!” (At this point, Miss Sweetie Poo intervened, undeterred by the bribe of a stuffed cow.)
Peace Prize Veterinary medicine prize co-winner Catherine Douglas [determining—by experiment—whether it is better to be smashed was unable to travel because she had recently given birth. over the head with a full bottle of beer or with an empty bottle] She sent this photo showing herself, her new daughter Stephan Bolliger: “In pub brawls, almost anything at hand dressed in a cow suit, and a cow. will be utilized to emphasize one’s dislike of the opponent. Apart from knives etc., glasses and bottles will, due to their availability, often be used in such disputes. It goes without saying that a broken drinking vessel is a formidable weapon. We have been asked several times by attorneys, prosecutors, and judges, whether a blow with an intact beer bottle can also cause severe injury or even death, and if so, whether a full or empty bottle is more dangerous. In order to answer these questions, we examined the fracture thresholds of empty and full beer bottles and compared these to the known fracture thresholds of the human skull. The empty beer bottles were much sturdier than the full ones and broke at 40 J, whereas the full ones broke at 30 J. However, although the empty bottles would therefore be better clubs, both full and empty bottles suffice in breaking the human skull. Due to these results we conclude that intact beer bottles are formidable, potentially Peace prize winner Stephan Bolliger receives his prize dangerous instruments in physical disputes. from Nobel laureates Wolfgang Ketterle and Martin Chalfie. Photo: David Holzman. Acceptance Speeches continued > www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 13 Chemistry Prize [creating diamonds from liquid—specifically, from tequila] Miguel Apatiga: “Thank you so much. We would like to thank Universidad Nacional Autónoma de México as well as Universidad Autónoma de Nuevo Leon for their support. To be honest, this research was made basically by curiosity, and at this regard; there is a lot of information and comments on the internet. Comments like: ‘Scientists of the National University of México made the perfect alchemy.’ Or: ‘Scientists at National University of México are discovering the joys of tequila.’ However, among all these comments, the best that fits perfectly for this occasion is: ‘Researchers have a sense of humor even in the most serious research.’ Again, thank you.” Javier Morales: “Hello, first of all, I want to thank God and every one of you for coming here today. I want to start this Above: Miss Sweetie Poo persists on reminding chemistry speech by asking you two questions. The first question is: prize winners Miguel Apatiga and Javier Morales that she Do you think there is a special system to grow diamond from is bored, despite their attempt to bribe her with a large tequila? Actually no. The second question is: Do you think Mexican hat. Photo: Eric Workman. there is a need for a scanning electron microscope to see nano and micro diamonds? The answer is no. And the reason Right: Medicine prize is that when you drink a lot of tequila, you will start doing winner Donald Unger and seeing anything you want. This is a joke, but also true.” accepts prize from Nobel (At this point, Miss Sweetie Poo intervened, undeterred by laureates Frank Wilczek the bribe of a bottle of tequila.) and Rich Roberts. Photo: Eric Workman. Medicine Prize [cracking the knuckles of his left hand—but never cracking the knuckles of his right hand—every day for more than sixty (60) years] Donald L. Unger: “I want to thank the Ig Nobel group for giving me my 15 minutes of fame. On the other hand, after Below: Physics prize over 60 years of knuckle cracking to prove that it does not winners Daniel Lieberman cause arthritis, perhaps I deserve some sort of award. Now and Katherine Whitcome, the only thing left is for me to decide what I want on my both wearing pregnancy tombstone. Most tombstones are a bore. Here lies Joe Blow, load-simulation devices, beloved father, husband, etc. The best tombstone of that of burst through the sacred Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny. His tombstone reads: curtain as they are ‘That’s all, folks!’ On mine it should read ‘Here lies Donald announced. Photo: Unger, who has finally quit cracking his knuckles.’” Alexey Eliseev. Physics Prize [analytically determining why pregnant women don’t tip over] Katherine Whitcome: “Wonderful to see all of you. Any pregnant women out there? You know, Dan and I are pregnant. I mean literally. I’m pregnant, he’s pregnant… Since the evolution of bipedalism 7 million years ago. 9 kilograms of baby—breasts—fat—all bundled out here in front of the hips—it’s soooo destabilizing and risky—without this super female lower back I’d keel over—splato!” Daniel Lieberman (grabbing mike): “Whoa. Quit complaining! I’ve got nothing! You have a 3-tiered lumbar curve—big bony backstops—and elegant postural stability! I’m pregnant, I’m unsteady, my back aches, I can’t handle
14 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com the shearing force! How am I going to run a marathon in this condition? Let me out of Karolina Lewestam’s this! I RISKED everything for a Weebles driving license. experiment! But aha! I won an award from the Annals of Improbable Research. If you ask me, we should never have diverged from the apes, become bipeds, developed a lumbar spine…” (At this point, Miss Sweetie Poo intervened.)
Literature Prize [presenting more than fifty traffic tickets to the most frequent driving offender in the country—Prawo Jazdy—whose name in Polish means “Driving License”] The winner, Ireland’s police service (An Garda Siochana), could not or would not attend the ceremony. Karolina Lewestam, a Polish citizen and holder of a Polish driver’s license, speaking on behalf of all her fellow Polish licensed drivers, expressed her good wishes to the winner. Karolina Lewestam: “As a Polish person, I want to thank the Irish people. Think about it: in the last few years the Polish have flooded Karolina Lewestam, a Polish licensed driver, pays tribute, (virtually invaded?) Ireland. We’ve stolen all their jobs and possibly on behalf of all her fellow drivers, to the peace prize- some cars. We’ve drunk a sea of their Guinness. But they just keep winning Irish police service. Photo: Alexey Eliseev. loving us. In fact they love us so much that they want us to have some fun driving. They want us to drive like maniacs. The Irish Police made a special effort to invent a character, Mr. Prawo Jazdy, that takes all the blame for any traffic violation a Polish person commits. We are deeply moved by this—thank you guys, we’ll come over more often!”
Public Health Prize [inventing a brassiere that, in an emergency, can be quickly converted into a pair of protective face masks] Elena Bodnar: “Ladies and gentleman, isn’t it wonderful that women have two breasts, not just one? We can save not only our own lives but also a man of our choice next to us. I would like to thank my co-inventors from the University of Chicago. Even more, I would like to thank my dear husband whose extensive expertise on bra clasps came in handy when developing my first prototype. It is important to mention that it takes 25 seconds for the Elena Bodnar holds aloft the halves of a brassiere/face average woman to apply this personal protective device. 5 seconds mask that moments before were stored, as a single unit, on to remove, convert, and apply her own mask and 20 seconds to her person. Photo: Alexey Eliseev. wonder who will be the lucky man she saves. The times of naïveté and unpreparedness have passed. We have learned to accept risk and respect prevention. I always wear my bra-mask and I hope that when I am here next year, all women in this auditorium will be wearing one. Thank you.”
Public health prize winner Elena Bodnar, having plucked two brassieres (one bright pink, the other black) from within her dress, and having rapidly converted each brassiere into a pair of protective facemasks, places a mask on Nobel laureate Orhan Pamuk, after having placed masks on laureates Wolfgang Ketterle and Paul Krugman. Photo: Alexey Eliseev.
Acceptance Speeches continued > www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 15 Biology Prize [demonstrating that kitchen refuse can be reduced more than 90% in mass by using bacteria extracted from the feces of giant pandas] Fumiaki Taguchi: “Chair, respectable Nobel Laureates, distinguished guests, ladies and gentlemen: Firstly, let me tell you that I owe my being here today to two important buddies of my career. They are the giant panda and their feces. Pandas’ feces don’t look like usual animal feces. Stems or leaves of the main diet bamboo are excreted almost undigested, with no stinking smell!, which is good for handling. Without the panda and their feces, I would never have thought of finding useful bacteria of great potentiality that can help us conserve the global environment, nor had an honor of being selected for this amusing prize. So on behalf of them and myself, thank you so very much.” Biology prize winner Fumiaki Taguchi delivers
his acceptance speech. Photo: Alexey Eliseev. cartoon by Nick Kim Nick by cartoon
16 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Keynote Address
The keynote address was given by Benoit Mandelbrot, on the topic RISK. Professor Mandelbrot invented the mathematical concept of fractals. He has also explored the wildness and risk in financial markets.
Well, let me think, let me think.
The occasion holds for a serious lecture, really timely and truly boring. This morning, I gave a talk on financial prices, on fractals, where prices dancing and jumping along the time. Should I really repeat the same talk tonight? Well, I don’t think so.
But nobody will notice. You’re all sleeping. Well, well, well. So my talk was one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two. Is that boring enough?
Nobody is stopping me. One, two, one, two, one, two…
[At this point Miss Sweetie Poo interrupted.]
Get mugged, Miss Sweetie Poo helps Professor Mandelbrot finish his address in a timely manner. booked, and shirted at the Improbable Research® online store
2009 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony. Photo: Eric Workman.
Don’t RISK missing the 20th First Annual Ig® Nobel Prize Ceremony! Thursday, September 30, 2010 Sanders Theatre, Harvard University Mark your 2010 calendar today! www.cafepress.com/ignobel Tickets go on sale August 1, 2010
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 17 The 24-7 Lectures transcribed by Stephen Drew
As part of the Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, three of the world’s great thinkers were invited to give 24/7 Lectures. Each 24/7 Lecture was on an assigned topic. The lecturer was asked to explain that topic twice: FIRST, a complete technical description in TWENTY-FOUR (24) SECONDS; and THEN a clear summary that anyone can understand, in SEVEN (7) WORDS. The time and word limits were enforced by the Ig Nobel referee, Mr. John Barrett, and the Ig Nobel V-Chip Monitor, prominent New York attorney William J. Maloney. Here are the complete transcripts of this year’s 24-7 Lectures.
LECTURER: Wade Adams, director of the Richard E. Smalley Institute for Nanoscale Science & Technology at Rice University. TOPIC: Nanotechnology.
Complete technical description in TWENTY-FOUR (24) SECONDS: 2.7 trillion dollar industry by 2015. Solutions to top ten problems facing humanity in next 50 years. Gold nanoshells – cancer therapy. Buckyballs – MRI contrast enhancers. Paul Krugman. Photo: David Holzman. Graphene ribbons – oil recovery. Carbon nanotubes – ballistic conducting grid wire. Nanoelectronics – smaller, LECTURER: Paul Krugman, Professor faster, cheaper. Nanophotonics – sensors. Nanomembranes – water filtration. Ultra-light-weight, strong nanocomposites of Economics and International – energy efficient SUVs! Rick Smalley’s challenge – be a Affairs at Princeton University, and scientist, save the World! 2008 Nobel laureate in economics. Clear summary that anyone can understand, in SEVEN (7) WORDS: TOPIC: Economics. Nanotechnology—making small stuff do big things! Complete technical description in TWENTY-FOUR (24) SECONDS: Given decentralized constrained optimization by maximizing agents with well-defined convex objective functions and/ or convex production functions, engaging in exchange and production with free disposal, leads, in the absence of externalities, market power, and other distortions, there exists an equilibrium characterized by Pareto optimality. Clear summary that anyone can understand, in SEVEN (7) WORDS: Greedy people, competing, make the world go round. NOTE: The following day, Professor Krugman wrote on his blog: “Wow. I admit that I wrote that pretty fast—and somehow never noticed that it was 8 words! Let’s chalk it up Wade Adams. Photo: Eric Workman. to rounding error. Revised version, I guess, drops the word ‘competing.’”
18 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Left: Stephen Wolfram. Photo: Alexey Eliseev.
Right: Deborah Anderson. Photo: Alexey Eliseev.
LECTURER: Deborah J. Anderson, Professor of Obstetrics/ LECTURER: Stephen Wolfram, Gynecology and Microbiology creator of Wolfram Alpha and of at Boston University School of Mathematica, and author of the Medicine, and 2008 Ig Nobel book A New Kind of Science. Medicine Prize winner. TOPIC: Genius. TOPIC: Contraception. Complete technical description in TWENTY-FOUR (24) Complete technical description in TWENTY-FOUR (24) SECONDS: SECONDS: Every day, lots gets discovered and invented. It’s pretty Reliable, reversible contraception. Women have pills, rings, predictable. There’s a flow to it. Genius is something alien. patches, implants, sponges, IUDs, spermicides, diaphragms, It’s hard to measure or classify; that’s its point. One day most cervical caps, female condoms, and Plan B. Men have of it’ll come from machines; but for now it’s just us… single condoms… people with at most one big idea per lifetime. And did I mention condoms? Clear summary that anyone can understand, in SEVEN (7) WORDS: Clear summary that anyone can understand, in SEVEN (7) WORDS: A surprise to the sequence of civilization. Male contraception: sheath it or beat it.
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 19 The Hundred Trillion Dollar Book Appreciating the words of a new Ig Nobel Prize winner by Alice Shirrell Kaswell, Improbable Research staff
Gideon Gono, author of the from President George W. Bush and Secretary Condoleeza new book Zimbabwe’s Casino Rice and the President of the World Bank for me to take a Economy—Extraordinary position in Washington as a Senior Vice President of the Measures for Extraordinary World Bank.” Challenges, displays a rare, He confides that later, “My staff and I were amused to see perhaps unique kind of scholarly the steady mushrooming of rather shameless news stories reserve. He is a scholar, with a Ph.D. from Atlantic in some quarters of the Western Press and its allied media International University, a mostly distance-learning claiming that I had approached the United States authorities institution based in the US, with a web site that proclaims seeking their help to secure asylum for me and my family “ATLANTIC INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY IS NOT in some banana republic or that I somehow wanted to ACCREDITED BY AN ACCREDITING AGENCY betray President Mugabe and Zimbabwe’s national RECOGNIZED BY THE UNITED STATES SECRETARY leadership and to run away from Zimbabwe in the face of OF EDUCATION.” And he has reserve, or rather Reserve, what was alleged to be the collapse of the economy and with a capital “R”. Since December 2003, Gideon Gono has President Mugabe’s rule.” been the governor of Zimbabwe’s Reserve Bank. Dr. Gono emphasizes the importance of sticking to one’s Dr. Gono was awarded the 2009 Ig Nobel Prize in principles. “My team and I were guided by the philosophy,” mathematics (see details elsewhere in this issue of AIR). he writes, that “where appropriate, short-term inflationary The Ig Nobel citation lauds him for giving people a simple, surges are a necessary cost to the achievement of medium everyday way to cope with a wide range of numbers—from to long-range growth in the economy.” very small to very big—by having his bank print bank notes with denominations ranging from one cent ($.01) to one The book is, at heart, a 232-page literary fleshing-out hundred trillion dollars ($100,000,000,000,000). of an eighteen-word statement issued by the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe on January 21, 2008: “Blaming the During 2007 and 2008, Zimbabwe’s inflation rate Government, the Reserve Bank or the Governor all the rose past Olympian heights: topping 231,000,000 time is UNACCEPTABLE and will be met with serious percent, by Dr. Gono’s reckoning; and reaching consequences.” 89,700,000,000,000,000,000,000 percent, according to a study done by Dr. Steve H. Hanke of Johns Hopkins References University and the Cato Institute. 1. Zimbabwe’s Casino Economy—Extraordinary Measures The book explains that every larger, richer country will for Extraordinary Challenges, Gideon Gono, ZPH face the same problems, at which time they will appreciate Publishers, Harare, 2008, ISBN 978-0-79743-679-4. Dr. Gono’s extraordinary skill at meeting the extraordinary challenges. Dr. Gono modestly shares the credit, writing on 2. “New Hyperinflation Index (HHIZ) Puts Zimbabwe the very first page: “I am especially indebted to my principal, Inflation at 89.7 Sextillion Percent,” Steve H. Hanke, President Robert Mugabe.” February 9, 2009. Online at www.cato.org/Zimbabwe. Dr. Gono’s talents were spotted by other influential persons. 3. “PRESS STATEMENT ON THE CASH SITUATION “I was both humbled and surprised,” he writes, “to get an BY DR G. GONO GOVERNOR RESERVE BANK approach from [US] Ambassador [to Zimbabwe James] OF ZIMBABWE 21 JANUARY 2008,” online at McGee on 25 July 2008 with an offer which he said was www.rbz.co.zw/pdfs/cash21jan08.pdf,
Ig Nobel & Improbable Research BOOKS
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20 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com LIBRETTO: The Big Bank Opera Music: Ludvig van Beethoven and Gioachino Rossini Words: Marc Abrahams
The Big Bank Opera premiered as part of the 19th First Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, at Sanders Theater, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts, on October 1, 2009. Video of the performance can be seen at www.improbable.com. Photo: David Holzman. SHE: I say small-bank BANKERS all lack lust. Original Cast They all think small. Conductor (and bartender): David Stockton They get all fussed. Pianist: Brenden Grimmett If they want to join the upper crust… Narrator: Karen Hopkin HE: Why then they must?… She: Maria Ferrante SHE: …Get their hair [SPOKEN: uh…] mussed. He: Ben Sears: You say “Think Big!” Waitress: Roberta Gilbert They get nonplussed… Barfy: Marc Andelman HE: They call you “pig!” Scientists in the bar: Benoit Mandelbrot, Stephen Wolfram, BOTH: They are disgust…. / …ing. Wade Adams, John Barrett, and Nobel laureates Rich Roberts, Wolfgang Ketterle, Dudley Herschbach, Paul Krugman, Roy HE: Banks need bigger banks to adulate — Glauber, Frank Wilczek, Martin Chalfie, Orhan Pamuk, and Firms that start small, William Lipscomb. Then dominate! Titans of finance make their OWN fate! SHE: They do not wait— ACT 1. “Two Bankers Meet in a Bar…” HE: They innovate! Don’t give an inch! NARRATOR [holding a nice, half-filled cocktail glass]: Don’t pay much tax! Tonight’s opera takes place in a swanky bar on Wall Street. It SHE: Like Merrill Lynch! begins a few years ago— before things really began to boom. BOTH: Like Goldman Sachs! Two ambitious young bankers are sitting next to each other at …yeeeeeh! the bar. They get talking. At first it’s all business. A few drinks from now, their talk will naturally turns to true love—to the SHE: Lehman Brothers — THAT’s my kind of bank! thing they both truly love: how to dominate the financial Oh, IT’s not small! world. Let’s all belly up to the bar, and watch these two young Oh, IT’s got swank! bankers impress each other. It made other bankers walk the plank! HE: And their banks sank — [SHE and HE are two bankers seated at a bar. They hold SHE: Went down the tank! half-filled cocktail glasses, and try very hard to impress each HE: You see — to me, it’s the people! other in sophisticated bankerly fashion. During the song their BOTH: Oh, it’s really all about the people! interest in each other grows into deep, bankerly fascination.] SHE: I don’t want to know About their birth — [MUSIC: “Für Elise”, Ludvig van Beethoven] Just their cash flow, And net worth. HE: I say only big banks are robust. A bank that’s small HE: If you took the country of Iceland — Gets ground to dust. Which is quite small, To survive, a small bank must adjust… SHE: And slightly bland — SHE: It must, it must! HE: And if you give its bankers a free hand. HE: …Or else go bust. They’d prosper, and SHE: Be rich and tanned! Libretto continued > www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 21 HE: New bankers dare [MUSIC: “Largo al factotum,” from “Barber of Seville”] To make new rules SHE: And to prepare Robert Rubin! Al Greenspan! Larry Summers! BOTH (excited): New Senator Gramm! banking tools!! Treating a bank like a child does a bank no good! SHE: Some special purpose They’ve got to let a bank grow up into adulthood. high-yield instrument They treat every poor bank Would overall, Like it’s a baby, a poor reckless chi-ild— I’m confident, As if banks cou-ou-ould… somehow go wild, somehow Be the safest way to go wild! circumvent Rules that are meant So, we will figure out HE: To be… well… bent. How to get round the gripers— Gripers who keep the banks stifled in diapers. BOTH (looking deep in each They would shrink ev’ry bank down to a mere stub— other’s eyes): So small that it could drown in a bathtub. Risk, debt, and La la la la la la la la la la! complexity… Look in my eyes — Regulate lending! that’s what you will see. Also stock vending! Risk, betting, and abs of Regulate ev’rything and ev’ryone. steel… With childish rules and childish guidelines Check out my gut — Smother the profit and smother the fun. that’s what you’ll feel. La la la la la la la la la la! Selling securities? No, it’s too risky! SHE: Ah! No, it’s too risky! Securities? No! HE: Ah! No, no, it’s too risky! No, no, it’s too risky! Photo: Eric Workman. SHE: Ah! No, it’s too risky! Securities? No!
HE: I…. like meeting people I’ve just met, Why don’t they trust banks? Be they a blonde Why be so fearful? SHE: or a brunette. Why be so whiny? Banks are so tiny. HE: Long as they know how to leverage debt, Why be so whiny? La la la la la la. Banks are so tiny. La la la They see that banking is no sweat. la la la.
Let’s run amok! Each bank is a baby, an innocent child, an innocent child. Let’s go in hock Yet they say banks could… somehow go wild, somehow To buy some stock go wild! In Northern Rock. Off with the diapers! No more ass-wipers! SHE: I LOVE meeting people I’ve just met, No mere critiquing—let’s do some tweaking! If they know how to leverage debt, Think of a mortgage—let’s make it sub-prime. Then I know they are a prudent bet. Now valuate it. With them… rien je ne regrette! Triple-A rate it! If we can gilt-edge it, and if we can hedge it, And securitize it, and evangelize it. Act 2. “How to Solve The World’s It’s so very simple! We just need to figure out, Biggest Problem” Just need to figure out, just…
NARRATOR: It’s later that same night. Our two ambitious Figure out! Figure out! young bankers are still in the swanky bar on Wall Street. Figure out! Figure out! Figure out! Figure out! Figure out! They have identified The World’s Biggest Problem. The Figure out! Figure out! World’s Biggest Problem, you see, is that… banks are treated I see a way! I think I see a way. like children. The problem has an OBVIOUS solution: It’s easy! So very easy! children MUST be allowed to grow up. One of the bankers Just change some rules! Just change some rules! Just change has just gone to the men’s room. Let’s watch now as he some rules! returns to the bar, and tells us exactly how to solve… the It will be easy! It will be easy! It will be easy! Just change world’s biggest problem. some rules!
22 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Figure out… a way! Hey, Figure out .. a way! Figure out means! Figure out ends! Figure out means! Figure out ends! Figure on friends! Figure on friends! Figure on friends! Figure on friends!
Figure out how to get who we will need to get To remove the diapers from ev’ry bank— from ev’ry bank, from ev’ry bank, from ev’ry bank, from ev’ry bank!
Soon we will figure who we will need to get. Soon we will figure who we will need to get. Who can make changes, who can make changes Photo: David Holzman. Who can make changes to the right rules. Money massed into big clumps— Soon we will figure who we will need to get. Big swirling clumps, Soon we will figure who we will need to get. Money coalescing, Who can make changes, who can make changes Coalescing. Who can make changes to the right rules. These clumps became big banks. We’ll remove the diapers from all the banks! That’s nature’s way. We’ll remove the diapers from all the banks! From the banks, from all the banks, from all the banks! The big banks grew and grew, Then took their revenue And shot it high into the sky— ACT 3. “Big Bank Theory” Shot money way up high. The money filled the sky! NARRATOR: Several years have gone by since we saw Then money rained back down to earth! our young bankers. Several GOOD years. Like all young bankers, these two became wildly successful. Their love—of The money rained to earth, banking—has paid dividends, which they used to purchase Boosting the banks’ net worth. stock, which they swapped for a bundle of derivatives… It was a time Of joy and mirth! And then suddenly it all went bad. The banking industry collapsed in a giant implosion. Let’s listen as one of our The money rained to earth, no-longer-quite-so-young bankers explains, for the crowd Boosting the big banks’ worth. in the bar, the whole history of big banks—where they came It was a time from, how they got big, and what happened to them. Here, Of joy and mirth! ladies and gentleman, is the complete story of… the Big Bank Theory. They grew inventive then. Shot money higher, [MUSIC: “Una voce poco fa” from Barber of Seville] Higher than high! Higher! This is how it all began. There was nothing. Shot money into space! A few people, very few. Banks got into a race There was no money, No, not a sou. To shoot their money into space. No—no dollars, no gold doubloons. They aimed it not to mere— No cheap wampum, and no silver spoons. —ly leave the atmosphere. Without money, there were no shops, They shot some money to the moon. And no credit default swaps. What could be stupider? Then there came a big boom. Money to Jupiter. Pop! Pop! Population boom! They sent some to Pe! Pe! People ev’rywhere! Uranus, too! There was money ev’rywhere! Ten trillion bankrolls The first law of money Tossed into big black holes. Is that money attracts money! The first law of money Those effing morons! Is that money attracts money! The money’s gone! All gone! Libretto continued > www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 23 ACT 4. “To Boldly Go” SHE: What’ll we do, what can we do that’s sa—a—fer? Safer with no risk? NARRATOR: It’s time for the thrilling conclusion to our HE: What would be safer? opera. All the big banks have collapsed (with the notable SHE: Is there an industry that’s rid itself of ri—isk? exception of one commendably well-run bank that came through the crisis just fine, and is generously providing the Which could it be? funding for tonight’s performance of this opera). Which in—dus—-try is sa—fer? Our two bankers—now former bankers—are back in Safer with no risk? their favorite bar. They are surrounded by the many now- unemployed scientists who once helped the banks build BOTH: What business— the technology that shot all the money off into space. What business isn’t risky? Now it’s so-called happy hour! It’s time to sing about a new What business— beginning. So raise your glasses on high, if you’re wearing What business isn’t risky? glasses. Let’s drink in the, uh, spectacle. SHE: Investment banking? [MUSIC: Barber of Seville overture] HE: RISKY! SHE: Commercial banking? SHE: Where is the money? HE: RISKY! Where’s the money? SHE: Banking, banking—really, really, really, really, Somebody spent it. Or sent it to who knows where. really RISKY! I know we had it. Too bad it—’s no longer there. SHE: Consumer banking? BOTH: I guess that means that now you’re not a billionaire. HE: RISKY! SHE: [SOFTLY] No… That isn’t fair… SHE: And mortgage banking? HE: [SOFTLY] No. That isn’t fair… HE: RISKY! BOTH: That isn’t fair. That isn’t, isn’t, isn’t, isn’t, isn’t fair! Really, really, really, really, really, really, HE: I miss the money. really RISKY! I miss the money. Banking, banking, banking’s I miss the owning, the loaning, the value thrills, RISKY! The thousand dollar bills, the couple extra mils. Really, really, really, really, really, really, BOTH: Oh, no—that isn’t, isn’t, isn’t, isn’t. isn’t, isn’t, really RISKY! isn’t, isn’t fair! Too, too risky for endurance! SHE: Banking’s too risky… Ban—king’s ris—ky! HE: I thought a bank that loses money was aberrant… It’s—too risk—y for en—du—rance! SHE: Banking’s too risky… SHE: Try insurance! HE: And now they tell me that the risk might be HE: Banking’s risky! Banking’s risky! inherent. SHE: Try insurance! Try insurance! BOTH It’s not risky, it’s not risky, it’s not risky, Nooooooooo! It’s risk-free!
Photo: Richard Baguley.
24 | Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 www.improbable.com Hand Sanitizing: An Informal Look by John Trinkaus, Baruch College, City University of New York
John Trinkaus was awarded the 2003 Ig Nobel Prize in Results and Discussion literature, for meticulously collecting data and publishing Those wearing a hospital identification badge, or dressed more than 80 detailed academic reports about things that in seemingly hospital garb, were judged to be health annoyed him. care practitioners: the others health care clients. Of the This new study is one of a series Professor Trinkaus is 108 practitioners observed, 3 (3%) stopped and used the publishing in the Annals of Improbable Research. sanitizing station. As to the clients, 23 (6%) of the 392 noted sanitized their hands. * * * Recognizing the methodological limitations of the inquiry, This year, 2009, the public is being advised to frequently such as the use of convenience sampling, possible double wash their hands, or otherwise sanitize their hands, as a counting, and the problem of replication, does not necessarily precaution against the flu. But to what extent do people preclude speculation on the findings of this inquiry. For actually follow this advice? This study examines one example, as to the small percentage of practitioners using aspect of that question. the sanitizer, a number of reasons suggest themselves. These folks may have simply been in “summer mode,” thoughts of The Hand Sanitizing Station Study vacations and fun rather than disease and pestilence being A number of organizations with high pedestrian traffic utmost in their minds. Too, in their hierarchy of things to be volume throughout the day in their buildings have installed done, flu prevention measures (the disease being in a relative hand sanitizing devices in the lobbies. state of remission at the time of the study) To glean some information as might have had a comparatively low place. to the possible usage of such Also, the practitioners could have just sanitizing stations, a study was washed their hands prior to leaving conducted at one such facility: their other location — or could be an ancillary building (housing planning on cleaning their hands faculty practice offices) of a when arriving at the particular teaching hospital located in the destination to which they were suburbs of a large Northeastern going. city. This multi-story building Concerning the low percentage was used by approximately 80 of client use of the sanitizer, they physicians and related health too could have been in “summer care professionals, and their mode.” Also, they could have staffs, operating out of about been so preoccupied with the 30 differing private practice business which brought them to offices. Immediately inside the the facility that flu prevention entrance to the building, there was not even in their thought was positioned a user-activated process. There is a question hand sanitizing station. of whether some of the clients Attached to the device was a could read English. Of course, prominently printed sign, at for both groups, the results could eye level, which read, in large perhaps be explained as basically clear lettering, a message to an “out of sight, out of mind” the effect that everyone happening—or, if in mind, the entering the facility must subject of the flu being dismissed disinfect their hands. as simply health care industry, Using convenience sampling, media, or government hype. 500 observations were made, during the summer of 2009, as to the number of people using A popular user-activated device the station as they entered the that dispenses hand sanitizer gel. building.
www.improbable.com Annals of Improbable Research | November–December 2009 | vol. 15, no. 6 | 25 May We Recommend Items that merit a trip to the library
compiled by Stephen Drew, Improbable Research staff
Food Reduces Hunger “Volume of Food Consumed Affects Satiety in Men,” B.J. Rolls, V.H. Castellanos, et al., American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, vol. 67, no. 6, June 1998, pp. 1170–7. The authors, who are at Pennsylvania State University, explain that: Subjects were served a milk- based drink or no drink (control), followed 30 min later by a self- selected lunch and > 4 h later by a self-selected dinner.... The volume of the drinks affected ratings of hunger and fullness. These results indicate that the volume consumed is an important determinant of satiety after milk drinks under these conditions. Detail from the study by Rolls and colleagues. HMO-NO News
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