SPQR E101 - THE GLORY OF ROME NARRATOR The Roman Empire! The Colosseum. Roman law. Paying people with salt. Slavery. Uh, paintings! Sculpture. Mass murder. ... The Roman Empire! Gladiators! Chariots with knives on the wheels. Letting animals eat people for sport. The Roman Empire! Here we find a hopeful gladiator, Atticus, speaking to a recruiting officer. RECRUITING OFFICER So, you want to join the army, eh? ATTICUS No. I want to be a gladiator. RECRUITING OFFICER Says here you want to be in the army. ATTICUS You just wrote that yourself. Wants to be in the “urmy.” With a U. RECRUITING OFFICER That’s a V. Don’t you support the troops? ATTICUS Oh absolutely. Of course I support the troops. RECRUITING OFFICER Everybody’s gotta support the troops. ATTICUS Gotta support the troops, yeah. Listen, didn’t my parents uh, you know? RECRUITING OFFICER Bribe me? ATTICUS Support you. RECRUITING OFFICER Nice one. 2.

ATTICUS Thanks. RECRUITING OFFICER And yeah, they did. But you know, it was middle class, ah, “support,” so I figure you’re going to the army. ATTICUS I can’t go in the army. I’ll be killed before I ever get to fight in the Colosseum. RECRUITING OFFICER laughs crazily. RECRUITING OFFICER Haha! Oh, yeah? The Colosseum? Kid your parents bribe wouldn’t get you a fluffing apprenticeship in the Pompeian baths. ATTICUS Aren’t those buried under burning lava? RECRUITING OFFICER Exactly! Stirring music. ATTICUS All my life, I’ve known my destiny. To fight in the Colosseum! With shining armor and flashing sword for the glory of Rome! RECRUITING OFFICER Yeah you’ll be killed before any of that in the army. ATTICUS Oh please, sir. Isn’t there anything you can do? RECRUITING OFFICER Tell you what, kid. I like you. I’m from Pompeii and you remembered my people’s lava struggle. I’ve got just the thing. Scene break. 3.

NARRATOR And so, Atticus traveled for many days and nights until he found the fertile ground into which he would plant his seed. Not like that. ATTICUS Excuse me, gross vagrant. Can you help me find the local gladiatorial arena? BUM Maybe if you offered me some coin. A coin drops into the cup. ATTICUS There you go. Now, where can I find the arena? BUM I said maybe. CLAUDIA Are you looking for the arena? Harp sounds. ATTICUS Oh my gods! CLAUDIA What? BUM He thinks you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. CLAUDIA How do you know that? BUM I can see up his summer tunic. DOMITIA Claudia. Claudia! CLAUDIA Yes, mom? DOMITIA Oh, there you are. And who are you, bulging tunic? 4.

ATTICUS I’m Atticus. I’m this town’s newest gladiator. DOMITIA Oh, great. Just what we need. Another bum. BUM Hey! ATTICUS Oh, no madam. I’m not a gross bum like this indigent toga peeker. BUM Hey! ATTICUS I’m a gladiator. I’ve been sent to fight for the glory of Rome! DOMITIA Didn’t want to be in the army, eh? ATTICUS Hey! Support the troops! DOMITIA That doesn’t make sense. ATTICUS Doesn’t have to. CLAUDIA Mom, can’t we keep him? We need a new gladiator. Our old one is stinky. BUM I use organic deoderant. DOMITIA Let me see your papers. Hm. Okay. ATTICUS Where are you going? You dropped my papers! CLAUDIA Mom, wait! 5.

DOMITIA (Getting quieter) I just stopped caring. CLAUDIA That’s my mom, Domitia. She hates the arena and gladiators. BUM She likes some gladiators pretty well, if you know what I mean. CLAUDIA I can’t tell if you’re winking or if some of your forehead dirt just got in your eye. BUM Works either way. CLAUDIA Gotta go. Nice to meet you Atticus. BUM Here comes the tunic bulge again, I bet. ATTICUS (Sighing) She really is nice. BUM Thar she blows. ATTICUS Okay. Focus. Gotta find the arena. Maybe if I find the older gladiator they spoke of he can help. BUM Why are you pointing at me? Haha. Just kidding. I know that’s not your finger. NARRATOR And so Atticus went into the town on a quest to find the aged gladiator. Conversation sounds. ATTICUS Excuse me, local rabble? 6.

PROTESTER Hey, yeah. I’m a member of this rabble. What’s up? ATTICUS Can you help me find the town’s gladiator and the arena? PROTESTER Sorry, no. We’re actually protesting the arena right now, so that would be against rabble rules. ATTICUS Oh. Why are you protesting the arena? PROTESTER It has shitty coffee. No espresso at all. They won’t even do a pour- over. ATTICUS Wow, that’s stone age. PROTESTER I know! Like, hello, this is the Iron Age. Get with it, right? ATTICUS So if I wanted to join the protest of the arena, where would I stand so that I could be close to it? PROTESTER Nice try, pal. We don’t protest at the arena. We protest here, by the coffee cart. ATTICUS Even the coffee cart has bad coffee? PROTESTER No, it has good coffee. That’s why we’re here. Plus free pigeon messaging. Pigeon noises. ATTICUS Free PiFi is nice, but wow, look at that price tablet. You guys pay that much for coffee? 7.

Rabble gasps. PROTESTER Don’t you commerce shame us! NARRATOR Atticus had an idea. He went to find Domitia. ATTICUS I think once you hear this you’re going to let me fight in your arena ...and also tell me where it is. DOMITIA How did you get in here? Guards? GUARDS (From far away) He brought coffee. DOMITIA Imbeciles. ATTICUS The town rabble is making trouble for you because the arena has bad coffee. DOMITIA Coffee? Ha! We don’t serve coffee. I put some rainwater in a bowl with some street muck. Suckers don’t know the difference. ATTICUS And how much do you charge for a cup of that? DOMITIA One gold. ATTICUS Raise that price to four gold. DOMITIA Are you nuts? No one would pay four times the price for- NARRATOR Two days later. 8.

DOMITIA Holy Constantine’s balls, I can’t believe it. Kid, you’ve made me slightly richer. ATTICUS So now you’ll let me fight in your arena? DOMITIA Ugh, whatever. ATTICUS Hooray! And I also want to meet your aging gladiator. Maybe I can get some tips from him. DOMITIA That’s him over there. ATTICUS What, next to the gross vagrant who looks up my tunic? DOMITIA Oh, man. I’m gonna enjoy this next moment. Magnus! Get your old bones over here. MAGNUS Hey, it’s the boner kid. *Wheeze* ATTICUS I am so uncomfortable with this moment. DOMITIA Alexus, meet Magnus, our gladiator. ATTICUS It’s Atticus. DOMITIA No, he’s definitely Magnus. MAGNUS I might be old, kid. But if you think you’re disappointed in my appearance, wait till you see our arena. NARRATOR Ten minutes later. 9.

ATTICUS What a dump! DOMITIA Technically, it’s a waste containment facility. And so is Magnus. MAGNUS I love it when you talk sweet. DOMITIA I took on a contract from the city to store refuse on site. ATTICUS But doesn’t the smell turn the crowd away? DOMITIA Let’s hope it does. I’m outta here. Don’t cut yourselves when you compare swords later ya morons. MAGNUS Don’t listen to her. She sounds mean but deep down in her heart I’m sleeping with her. ATTICUS This town is like garbage inception. POMPILIUS Hey Magnus, this our new gladiator? MAGNUS Hey Pompilius. Atticus, this is our show promotor. Pompilius, this is Atticus, our new gladiator. ATTICUS I don’t feel like a gladiator. MAGNUS Wait till your first in-town mugging. ATTICUS What? POMPILIUS Nice to meet you, kid. Word of advice. 10.

ATTICUS Going my your appearance, voice, and vocation, I am skeptical of any advice you have to offer. POMPILIUS Don’t pay attention to Domitia. She wants this place closed down so she can cash in on the land. MAGNUS But deep down, she’s really sleeping with- ATTICUS So you’re telling me- MAGNUS That’s right, we take off our tunics and- ATTICUS Your gladiator is a sex-mad bum, the arena is literally a dump, and the owner is actively trying to get it shut down? POMPILIUS Don’t forget that the best days of the Empire are behind us. The Goths are at the gate. Literally. MAGNUS Is that who they are? (Yells) Guys! Hey! The gate is open! GOTHS (Off screen) Shut up! It’s symbolic. ATTICUS Gladiating is not what I thought it would be. MAGNUS (After a sad moment) Wanna compare swords? ATTICUS Sure. Check mine out. Ow! My finger!