THE TRUE TALE OF

written by

Aaron Randolph III

4342 Royal Oaks Dr 563-570-0855 [email protected] © 2019 Aaron Randolph III 13.

WILL's family grab onto WILL, scared of being taken away SHERIFF (CONT’D) Did you hear that, lads? Take him away! The SHERIFF still doesn't notice that the GUARDS are missing, but now in their places are MARIAN and AGNES, dressed as BANDITS wearing hoods and masks covering their eyes, like a superhero would wear. MARIAN is holding a bow and arrow, pointing it at the SHERIFF, while AGNES is holding a large staff. The audience shouldn't immediately notice that it's MARIAN and AGNES SHERIFF (CONT’D) Take him away! EVERYONE stops, staring at the BANDITS. SHERIFF (CONT’D) Lads? The SHERIFF finally turns around. When he sees that the GUARDS are gone and BANDITS have taken their places, he screams pathetically MARIAN Good evening, Sheriff. SHERIFF (Not recognizing MARIAN because of her costume) What did you do with my guards? AGNES They're taking a nap in the forest.

SHERIFF Nap!?! AGNES (Patting the staff) Tends to happen when you get hit on the head with a big stick! MARIAN Now: If you don't want to join them, I suggest you give all that gold back to that nice family over there. SHERIFF But... 14.

MARIAN Go on. (Drawing her bow) Or you might get hit in the head with a small stick instead. The SHERIFF thinks about it for a moment SHERIFF I'm not afraid of you! I bet you don't even know how to shoot that thing! MARIAN aims upwards, fires an arrow and an APPLE falls out of the trees and hits the SHERIFF on the head! SHERIFF (CONT’D) Ouch! (Rubbing his head) Okay. Well... That was a lucky shot... Without hesitation, MARIAN fires another arrow and again an APPLE falls out of the trees and hits the SHERIFF on the head! SHERIFF (CONT’D) Hey! That really hurts! Still! That's just beginners luck! Again, MARIAN fires another arrow and this time a whole TREE BRANCH FULL OF APPLES falls out of the trees and hits the SHERIFF on the head again! SHERIFF (CONT’D) Alright! Alright! Here. The SHERIFF returns all the gold to WILL and his family, who excitedly accept it

MARIAN Good. Now go back to Prince John and tell him the people of don't owe him any more taxes! SHERIFF Once the Prince hears about this he'll send me right back out here with even more guards to do the collections! You'll see! AGNES Go grab your henchmen and get on, you! AGNES pushes the SHERIFF along with her staff 15.

SHERIFF Alright! I'm leaving! But before I go, tell me: What's you're name? MARIAN Well... MARIAN looks at AGNES, who shrugs back MARIAN (CONT’D) Call me: Robin Hood! SHERIFF Ooh! That'll look really nice on the "Wanted" posters! (To AGNES) And how about you? AGNES thinks for a moment AGNES Call me ! Because I like to give away Prince John's money! The PEASANTS laugh SHERIFF Ooh! Good branding! Has a nice ring to it! The PEASANTS all agree SHERIFF (CONT’D) You bested me this time, Robin Hood! But this isn't the last you'll see of me! And to the rest of you, don't forget: The Sheriff of always gets what he wants! And what he wants right now is: An ice pack for his head! But after that, he's gonna want your taxes! The SHERIFF exits WILL Thank you so much, Robin Hood! I can never repay you! MARIAN You have no need to repay me, Sir. All I care about is that you're able to take care of your family! (Addressing the PEASANTS) You're all very brave for enduring these hardships! WILL takes a long look at ROBIN HOOD 16.

WILL Sir Robin... I feel like we've met before... MARIAN Well... I don't know about that... Are you sure? WILL Yes! I'm sure of it! Some PEASANTS step forward: a wandering bard named ALANA DALE and MUCH THE MILLER'S DAUGHTER MUCH Yeah! I can tell: you're hiding something! ALANA DALE What gave it away? The cloaks and masks? Or the ridiculous fake names? AGNES (Whispered to MARIAN) Robin... we should probably get going... ALANA DALE I know who you really are! (Dramatic pause) You're a girl! MARIAN (Thinks for a moment) A... A girl? You think that's my secret identity? ALANA DALE Yeah! MARIAN What made you think I was trying to pretend to be something other than a girl in the first place? MUCH You were doing man stuff! MARIAN Man stuff? MUCH Yeah! Like fighting villains! 58.

JOHN Of course they do! He buys their affections! He gets to play Santa Claus with my money! SHERIFF Ooh! I like Santa! JOHN He's a thief, plain and simple. He's stolen my gold. And he's stolen my people's loyalty. And... He's stolen the affections of my bride to be. He's turned her against me. So now, I'll turn everyone against him! SHERIFF How will you do that? JOHN By fixing both of my problems at once. You see: There is one person the people of Sherwood love just as much as Robin Hood... SHERIFF Santa? JOHN No! SHERIFF Everyone loves Santa! JOHN No, you fool! The one person they love as much as Robin Hood is: Maid Marian!

SHERIFF Ooh! Yeah! They do really like her, don't they? JOHN Yes! So if Robin Hood were to... say... Show up at my wedding, angry about Maid Marian leaving him to marry me, and... perhaps... Shoot her with his bow and arrow... Then HE'D be the villain! And I'D be the victim! They'd clamor for justice and Robin Hood would have nowhere to hide! It would eliminate Marian, who I can no longer trust, And the people, in their anger, would flush Robin Hood out of hiding for me! Do you see? 59.

SHERIFF But how are you going to get Robin Hood to shoot Maid Marian? JOHN With this! JOHN reveals ROBIN HOOD's outfit SHERIFF That's a nice Robin Hood costume! But what does it have to do with Santa? JOHN This has nothing to do with Santa, you ninny! Listen! These are Robin Hood's clothes that he left behind in Marian's chambers so... SHERIFF Oh! I get it! You're going to dress up like Robin Hood to trick Marian into thinking she's marrying him instead of you! JOHN No! No! No! Listen! YOU'RE going to dress up like Robin Hood... SHERIFF Why do you want her to marry me? JOHN No! I don't want you to marry her! I want you to shoot her! JOHN holds up a bow that goes with the costume SHERIFF So you want to dress up like Robin Hood and I'll shoot Maid Marian?

JOHN No! No! Listen... I want YOU to dress up like Robin Hood, and... SHERIFF Oh! Okay! I'LL dress up like Robin Hood! JOHN Yes! SHERIFF And MAID MARIAN will shoot ME? 60.

JOHN No! No! No! Listen! This is very important! Write this down! (Speaking very clearly) I want you to dress... SHERIFF What dress? Maid Marian's dress? JOHN No! Not a dress! Robin Hood... SHERIFF But Robin Hood doesn't wear a dress? JOHN Listen! Not Marian! Not a dress! Dress like Robin Hood! SHERIFF (Writing notes) Oh! Okay! Not Marian. Not dressed. Robin Hood. Got it! JOHN Okay! And you! SHERIFF (Pointing at JOHN) You? JOHN (Pushing the SHERIFF's arm back at him) No! Not me! YOU!

SHERIFF (Pushing it back) Me? JOHN (Forcing the SHERIFF's hand) Yes! YOU!!! Shoot! SHERIFF I shoot me? JOHN No! You shoot Marian! 61.

SHERIFF (Checking his notes) But I thought you said "not Marian?" JOHN No! I want you to shoot Marian! SHERIFF Oh! Okay. So, who's wearing the dress? JOHN There is no dress involved in this whatsoever! Listen! Don't shoot Robin Hood! Do shoot Marian! Don't wear a dress! Okay? SHERIFF Okay! I got it! JOHN You're sure? Read it back to me! SHERIFF (Reading his notes) You want Maid Marian to dress up like Robin Hood You'll dress up like Maid Marian I'll be naked And I'll shoot you! JOHN No! No! No! Give me that! (Grabbing the paper out of the SHERIFF's hands) This looks like a picture of a monkey?

SHERIFF Well, I am illiterate, sire. JOHN (Tearing up the paper in a fit) Look! Let me make this very simple! You're going to put on Robin Hood's clothes! As soon as we're married, you'll use this bow And you'll shoot Maid Marian! Got it? SHERIFF Got it! Just one question...