the michigan review T Page he Michigan Review Summer 2006 The Campus Affairs Journal at the University of Michigan Volume XXV, Number 1 Summer 2006 MR

The secrets behind a Ann Arbor: Greek Life face-off Michigan education Your new home & & Dorm life Advice for out-of-staters Page 3 Pages 12 - 13 Pages 8-9 www.michiganreview.com the michigan review Page 2 Page 2 Summer 2006 The Michigan Review The Unofficial Campus Dress Code The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan ERE AT THE MICHIGAN you an excuse to look. Many sport color- not, they’ll accessorize with TI-83 calcu- Nick Cheolas Review, we’ve noticed some ful tees or polos, when they’re wearing lators and pocket protectors than iPods. Editor-in-Chief Hemerging trends among the shirts. If there’s no snow on the ground, Their shirts are invariably stained with fashion styles of students. Students, they’ll be in Ugg boots, and if there is, drool, Red Bull, and Mountain Dew. Michael O’Brien more often than not, dress unabashedly they’ll be in skirts. Mandatory accessories according to clique. The one ubiquitous gay best friend and an iPod nano. The überprep—This conspicuous group Executive Editor accessory is, of course, the iPod. We put moonlights at Frat houses. Jeans are together a small guide for the freshman Frat Boys—Often seen sporting Lacoste strictly prohibited, and the wardrobe was Chris Stieber (and slower upperclassmen and grad stu- shirts in pastel colors, making one guess generously provided by Banana Repub- Publisher dents) to help wade through the mess they’re these new-fangled “metrosexu- lic. You can often notice they’re coming that is fashion in Ann Arbor. als.” They’re protected from accidental by the scent of overpriced cologne or decapitation by popped collars. perfume from 100 yars away. Adam Paul Football Saturdays—A delicate balance Managing Editor between wearing as little as possible, and New Yorkers—One of the larger cau- Professors—Usually more underdressed as much Greek Life paraphernalia as one cuses here at Michigan, their undying than the stereotypical tweed jacket with Amanda Nichols can manage. The official season football affinity for the sub-par Yankees will be patches with the elbow would suggest. Layout Editor shirt is considered mandatory. expressed by hats, tees, sweatpants, and Most professors here are notable for their iPods—onto which they’ve curi- their long hair, and stench of patchouli Assistant Editors: Monday Morning Class—On Mondays, ously downloaded the organ songs from oil, as well as their standard-issue iBooks Karen Boore students are likely to be dressed more Yankee Stadium. (and, of course, accompanying iPods). cheaply than any other day of the week. Staff: Frequent articles of clothing include Art Schoolers—As Bohemian as possible. Marxists—Dressed in their *red* shirts Michael Balkin, Brian Biglin, Rebecca sweatpants, old shirts used for painting, Here on campus, they’ve single-handedly with pictures of either Che Guevera or Christy, Tom Church, Jane Coaston, and an iPod. led the revival of paisley and puke-green a star, this depressing bunch (often seen Stephen Crabtree, Blake Emerson, Kole corduroys. For artists, you could be near- protesting random causes across cam- Kurti, Matt MacKinnon, Brian McNally, Friday Morning Class—Whatever you sure that they’re functionally colorblind pus) spend most of their time reminisc- Natalie Newton, Danielle Putnam, wore out Thursday night, and an iPod. when dressing themselves. ing about the good ‘ol days when Mother Yevgeny Shrago Russia loomed large. MR Sorority Girls—Generally, tight, form-fit- Engineers—Glasses are a must-have for Editor Emeritus: James David Dickson ting black pants and/or sweatpants with these students, leading the “geek chic” their letters strewn across their ass to give wave, minus the “chic.” More often than The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run journal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary donations from the University. Contribu- ■ Letter From the Editor: tions to The Michigan Review are tax-deductible un- der section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal Revenue Ser- or those of you reading this at freshman ori- volved. You have enrolled in one of the finest universi- vice Code. The Michigan Review is not affiliated with Fentation, allow me to welcome you to Michigan. For ties in the world, located in one of the most unique cities any political party or any university political group. those upperclassmen reading this after spring or summer in the country. The opportunities at Michigan are endless, Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the classes, don’t tell said freshman what they’re getting into. and you owe it to yourself to take advantage of this fact. editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally cor- It will be funny when they figure it out on their own. Sure, we’re all here to get an education and a degree, but rect and just. Signed articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the author, and not nec- That said, congratulations – not only for your ac- we’re also here to learn. And, at least in my case, I’ve essarily those of The Review. The Serpent’s Tooth ceptance to this fine University, but for picking up The learned as much outside the classroom as I have inside. shall represent the opinion of individual, anony- mous contributors to The Review, and should not Michigan Review. The Review is *the* source of conser- While you may easily forget what you hear in a lecture, you necessarily be taken as representative of The Review’s vative and libertarian (otherwise known as “contrarian”) will always remember what you experience here. editorial stance. The opinions expressed in this thought at this University. We publish bi-weekly, and As you will learn quickly, if you continue to read publication do not necessarily those of the advertis- ers, or of the University of Michigan. We welcome offer a substantially different perspective on politics and us, we have no shortage of issues over which to criticize letters, articles, and comments about the journal. campus affairs than you will usually find in the classroom the University. Personally, I plan to write until I no longer or on the pages of the Michigan Daily. find issues which irritate me – so more than likely, I won’t Please address all advertising, subscription inquiries, and donations to “Publisher,” c/o In this orientation issue, you will find invaluable stop. However, none of us – even as conservatives and The Michigan Review: advice and information, helping to ease the transition to libertarians in a sea of quasi-socialism – would trade this Editorial and Business Offices: college – information I only wish I had as a freshman, for the world. The University of Michigan is like your The Michigan Review and some that I never knew about until editing this is- boyfriend or girlfriend in the long-distance relationship 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One sue. While the contents of this issue are quite different fresh out of high school: even though they’re probably Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 mrev @ umich.edu from our usual lineup, and with very few traces of “con- cheating on you, you still say “I love you” every night. www.michiganreview.com servatism,” the orientation issue is indicative of how we You’ll spend a lot of time in a great place for the do business here at the Review. We often use humor to next four years. Make the most of it. Copyright © 2006, The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. The Michigan Review is a member of the Col- prove our points, never hesitate to call out BS when we legiate Network. see it, and aren’t afraid to inform our readers that our edi- Sincerely, torials are generally written from a conservative or liber- tarian perspective. That said, we hope you continue to Nick Cheolas read us, and encourage you to join us. Editor-in-Chief, The Michigan Review However, above all, it is important to get in- 2006-2007 [email protected] the michigan review Page 3 From the Editor Summer 2006 Michigan Review, The “U,” and You All You Ever Wanted to Know About What it Takes to Be a Michigan Student Nick Cheolas, Editor-in-Chief, ‘07 ou did it. You’ve been accepted to the average student who just wants to firms my observation that most straight could include in that comment – “diver- Yto one of the most prestigious in- be left alone. Want to have pizza or burg- white males are ignorant about social is- sity,” “racism,” “sexism,” “oppression,” stitutions of higher learning in the entire ers for dinner tonight? Too bad, we’re sues.” Got that? Your skin color and “discrimination,” and “white males” be- country. Of course, we all know this was celebrating “Homosexual Paraplegic Al- sexual orientation make you ignorant. ing a few of the many. We would end up your fallback school (I got into Yale. I bino New Zealander-American Day” in Now that’s “tolerance,” isn’t it? But not with sentences like: “The lack of diversity swear!) Regardless, you’re here. Perhaps the cafeteria. Want to participate in the everybody drinks the Kool-Aid. As one within institutions run by white males you’re excited to meet new people and vagina monologues? Well you’re just reader succinctly put it “The urination highlights the racism, sexism, and utter finally be free from your parents.- Per straight out of luck, whitey. Want to walk (incident) was sort of my introduction to discrimination that led to the oppression haps you are scared to death because of to class listening to your iPod? Well that the way PC politics work on campus.” of urban blacks in the housing market.” the horror stories you’ve been told about makes you a sweatshop supporting, rac- You will learn quickly how PC – On the final exam, I even got to drop a überliberal, pinko-commie U of M. Maybe ist, misogynist pig (after all, that iPod is politically correct – politics work on this few Hitler/Bush comparisons for effect. you’re just content to sit back, stay with marketed, white, and plays Eminem). The campus. It’s not all bad though. In fact, For my performance, I received an A. your high school sweetheart, and ease brand of liberalism at this school is often that “liberal bias” you’ve been hearing But remember, the majority of into college. In beyond the lev- about in the classroom, it’s the greatest this campus doesn’t care. You may think that case, you’ll el of coherency, thing that could ever happen to a student. you’re alone, that everyone else is an ‘ac- be both excited The University of Michigan is going beyond a There are now a fair number of classes tivist’, or that you’re the last conservative and scared to like unprotected sex: it’s great political ideol- on this campus where one needn’t attend or libertarian around. But that’s not the death about ogy and border- on any sort of a regular basis to achieve case. And The Michigan Review is the voice three days into to get in, but you’re #$%#@! ing on mandat- an A. These classes are quite simple and of that 80%. Sadly, most of that 80% welcome week. ed groupthink. have two major steps: First, they focus al- doesn’t care enough to keep reading us, But don’t wor- once you come. Let me give most entirely on the plight of a particular and the 20% of those who do care read ry. I’m here – to you an exam- group, and then study the ways that rich the Daily. But as the wisest man of them dispense my vast ple. Last Sep- white males are at fault for the plight of all, former Review writer Mike Kasiborski, wealth of knowledge about this big bad tember, two Asian students claimed that the particular group. This produces two once said: The Michigan Daily, is like a Ju- University. two white students had urinated on them effects – first, students (at this upper- lia Roberts movie – sure everyone will go A wise man once said that the from an apartment balcony, and that the class, majority white university) begin to see her, but she sucks. University of Michigan is like unpro- urine was accompanied by racial slurs. feel ashamed because of their “privilege.” But in all reality, not everyone tected sex: it’s great to get in, but you’re Immediately, the campus left mobilized. (Note: here, if your parents worked hard, drinks the Kool-Aid around here. If #$%#@! once you come. Just ponder Protests were held, student groups pe- took care of you, provided for you, and you’re not running around the Diag stark that one for a moment, because it’s the titioned the administration, and people strive to give you a better life, that’s called naked in January with “SOLIDARITY” best characterization of this school I have came out of the woodwork to decry the “privilege,” and you’re supposed to feel tattooed on your ass, that doesn’t mean ever heard. “harsh” racial climate on this campus. really bad about it.) Anyway, this feeling you support child labor. And if you don’t The bottom line is: this school President Mary Sue Coleman responded, of shame stirs young college students to support affirmative action, that doesn’t will change you. For better or worse, aca- less than 10 days after the incident, with fight for “so- mean you’re a demically or socially, if you stay here for a personal letter to every member of the cial justice” racist. This Uni- four or so years, you will leave a changed campus community pledging to support (a charm- The Michigan Daily is like a Julia versity isn’t as man or woman. For example, I bet up “a community that embraces diversity ingly ambigu- big and bad as until this point in your life, every appli- and fosters a climate of respect, toler- ous all-pur- Roberts movie – sure everyone it’s made out to cation/survey/form you have filled out ance, inclusiveness, fairness, civility and pose liberal will go see her, but she sucks. be – it’s actu- that asks for your “sex” or “gender” has safety,” finally running out of heartwarm- phrase). This ally a pretty great included two choices. I filled out an ap- ing adjectives and keeling over. Coleman fight for “so- place. Chances plication last week that asked such a ques- regained consciousness in time to con- cial justice” almost invariably requires are, you’re not going to leave Ann Ar- tion – only there were three choices: male, clude that the campus community had a increased government action – raise the bor with the caricature of Che Guevera female, and transgender. Three years ago “responsibility to address [such incidents] minimum wage, affirmative action, with- branded on your chest. Part of the fun at I would have had no idea what to do. promptly through education and dialogue draw from Iraq, increase funding for U of M is taking in all the diversity—not Now, that doesn’t even make blink. and, where appropriate, disciplinary sanc- God-knows-what. Pretty soon, we’ve the typical, degrading U of M “we need You may or may not be aware of tion or criminal prosecution,” which is got a whole litter of Democrats scurry- more minorities so the whites can learn Michigan’s reputation as an overwhelm- campus code for “if you don’t agree with ing around campus. And there you have how to play nice with them” diversity— ingly liberal institution with a fiercely us, we will re-educate you.” it. That’s all there is to the University of the wide array views, religions, cultures, political campus. This reputation is both But lost in the campus firestorm Michigan’s liberal assembly line. personalities, sports, groups, clubs, social earned and overblown. Quite frankly, was a simple question: what really hap- A wiser man once said “If scenes. This and more makes Michigan the vast majority of students on campus pened? Only The Michigan Review con- you aren’t a socialist at 20, you have no the most prestigious public university the are downright apathetic. Most don’t care ducted any sort of in-depth investigation heart. If you aren’t a conservative at 40, country has to offer (eat that Virginia). about politics, will never protest anything, into the incident itself. That investiga- you have no brain.” Fortunately for our We’re not all crazy here, and and won’t brave winter winds pamphle- tion revealed very serious issues regard- large-hearted friends, the paychecks and The Michigan Review is here for you. So teering students on the Diag. Eighty per- ing the credibility of the “victims,” and subsequent “taxes” that dot the post sit back, relax, enjoy college, and if you cent of this campus just wants to study, strongly suggested that the incident had grad landscape bring many back to earth. care to know what’s going on in the real learn, party, live, and be left alone. indeed not occurred as the “victims” had For now, we’re stuck in the system. But world—stuff they won’t tell you on this The 20% of students who do claimed. When the Review had the audac- if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my campus—pick up The Michigan Review. care about politics or “activism” are pre- ity to point out that truth matters in such time here, it’s that it is far better to have Otherwise, you’ll be stuck watching a Ju- dominantly liberal. This includes most a serious case, members of the campus fun within the system than to fight it. A lia Roberts movie for the next four years. professors, Michigan Daily writers, MSA community responded with enlightened, friend and I once had a game in a dis- MR representatives, and student group lead- well-reasoned arguments. To quote one cussion section. We would get one point ers. Thus, they run the show. Sadly, this of the better responses: “Yes, [the author each time we made a comment in class, fact makes liberalism nearly inescapable is] white, and he’s straight. And it con- and one point for each “catchword” we the michigan review Page 4 Editorials Summer 2006 The Michigan Review The Michigan Review is the independent, stu- dent-run journal of conservative and libertarian opin- Your Impending ion at the University of Michigan. Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the Editorial Board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed articles, Michigan Education letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the au- thor, and not necessarily those of the Review. You can contact the Editorial Board at: he University of Michigan is an institution like any other, with per- [email protected] Tpetuating myths, traditions, legacies, foundations, structure, and so on. But like so many domineering organizations in our societies, our school is multi-faceted; three- ■ From Suite One: dimension. UM, at many times, is cast in a blaze of academically superior glory, with a halo of social propriety and athletic dominance in the minds of so many aspiring and current students. But for this year’s incoming class, the aspiration stage is now over; We are MR college has begun. But for all the upsides you’re sure to encounter your next four elcome to your first reading ofThe Michigan Review—the journal of con- years—and there are many—it’s important to keep some perspective in regards to col- servative and libertarian thought at the University of Michigan. We hope this W lege live, and the university you now attend. Michigan may be wondrous, but not also will lead to a longer relationship, as a reader or as a writer, over the course of your next without deep flaws to some degree. Keeping this in mind is key to making the most of four years at the University. On a campus that prides itself on its liberalism and activ- your Michigan experience. ism, the Review has often found itself as the lone voice of rationality in Ann Arbor. Any promotional materials produced by the University itself or outside or- Since our inception in 1982, the Review has served as the bastion of contrar- ganizations are bound to wax about the legendary “diversity” that manifests itself on ian thought on campus. As we enter our 25th year as the bearer of the conservative campus. University President Mary Sue Coleman and the University might as well torch, our philosophy remains simple and unchanged: We champion free trade, small trademark the d-word, as it has become one of the central, defining legends that make government, low taxes, and personal liberty. Our paper is not a Sean Hannity/Bill their mark on university life today. In case you hadn’t heard, your new school is Affir- O’Rielly/Ann Coulter manifesto of pop conservatism. We are not the bloodthirsty mative Action University. Here is a hotbed of radical protests and heated debate over conservatives of liberals’ dreams. We will not champion an idea simply because it whether the university should take into account the race of an applicant in admissions. is the “conservative” or “Republican” position on an issue, nor do we view ideas as Major Supreme Court cases in 2003 challenged the constitutionality of LSA and the inherently repugnant simply because they are “liberal.” Law School’s racial admissions policies; the former falling but the latter remaining. The Review strives to raise the campus discourse above the level of dogmatic, Out of this was borne “diversity” as a compelling government interest overriding any brash name-calling. You won’t see us chanting on the diag, busing in 10 year olds, or offense to the 14th Amendment. And thus, the d-word will be shoved down your gul- spouting wanton accusations of racism, hatred, and bigotry at every turn. Rather, we let during your next four years, whether you care for it or not. Diversity may be swell, prefer to argue persuasively, using logic, facts, and reason – rather than raw emotion but the University is flawed in believing that true diversity is only skin-deep, and that – as our guide. distinction on the basis of skin color is just in any form. Learn to read between the We believe our convictions are right, both for the University and the coun- lines of the administration’s happy-talk, and find true diversity for yourself. try. But we also understand that liberals have a similar view of their principles. Our job The University of Michigan is furthermore renowned for its ‘progressive’ is to dissect opposing arguments, and explain why we believe ours are superior. We do attitudes, and such mindsets do not escape the professoriate. The Michigan Review isn’t not fear challenges from the campus left; on the contrary, we welcome them. This is one of those campus groups that protest the scary, vindictive professor who marks you the crux of a college experience, good, intellectual, challenging debate. down a grade for expressing an opinion. The fact is, those professors (in that mythic This all sounds so simple, but the art of respectful, reasoned persuasion is form) do not exist. Such is the mark of second-rate hacks of professors, and fortu- nearly a lost art on this campus. It is entirely possible for a student to go through four nately, UM is fresh out of them. But do not have the naïveté to think that classroom years on one of the most politically active campuses in the country, and still fail to get bias (and it is to the left) does not exist. It’s not manifest through heated confronta- a true view of conservative or libertarian principles, and the logic behind them. We tions between student and professor, and the politics of most students are receptive reach out to the “silent conservatives” on this campus, but we strive, even more so, to to such slantedness. Rather, bias exists through the accepted academic paradigms that persuade the reader who wouldn’t usually give conservatism a second thought. professors perpetuate. There are unquestionable ‘truths’ professors hold dear, that en- We nearly always disagree with the line of reasoning that permeates the edi- dear themselves to social determinism, socialistic public policy, and the enduring belief torial page of The Michigan Daily, and we generally oppose the predominant ideology that no objective truth exists. The academic perspective is something from which the on this campus. But rather than drag our opponents down with absent-minded vitriol student cannot easily dissent, without a reasoned argument. But be not afraid, most and tired arguments, we choose to confront them head-on. The victor is he who professors will take interest in your informed dissent, preferring it to the apathetic, argues best, not he who screams the loudest. And rest assured, the latter is far more uninterested student reading the Daily sitting next to you in lecture. prevalent on this campus. Another important aspect of student life is getting involved. There are many We serve as refuge for many students on this campus who long for the real- student groups, including this one, who lead the campus to a more vibrant (and inter- ity that surrounds the six square miles of Ann Arbor – where Christmas is acceptable, esting) day-to-day existence. There are groups devoted to service (The Detroit Project, where “more government” is the problem (and not the solution), where people don’t Dance Marathon, K-Grams). There are political groups galore (from YAF and College particularly enjoy taxes, and where filling the diag with screaming, chanting 10-year- Republicans to BAMN and College Democrats). There are groups devoted to jour- olds does not suffice as “debate.” If you don’t believe in affirmative action, you’re not nalistic excellence (The Michigan Review). And there are groups for people who want to a racist bigot, longing for the days of Jim Crow. If you don’t believe in abortion, you’re write stuff no one will read (The Michigan Daily and The Michigan Independent). Whatever not a bible-beating redneck working to oppress women. If you don’t believe that the the case, it’s an important part of your growth as an individual and socially to get out government is the solution for all social ills, you’re not a cold-hearted, upper-class, on campus and find your niche. This isn’t high school, and not every activity can be privileged snob. There are, contrary to campus lore, valid reasons behind these beliefs, fulfilled. And more importantly, no activity is so sacrosanct to give students the privi- and The Michigan Review, for the last 25 years, has defended the beliefs conservatives lege to feel exceedingly self-important (Michigan Student Assembly). hold dear. There are many more aspects of student life, for better and for worse, that Now an institution, and not an outsider throwing rocks at administration you’ll encounter in your next four (hopefully not five) years here on campus. Your buildings, we have a responsibility to provoke thought and discussion that questions education isn’t a period in time, it’s an experience. Keep in mind that the University the prevailing ideas that have existed in this community. We have this responsibility, of Michigan is like a best friend who’s prone to slipping up from time-to-time: flawed but we still have some fun at the same time. So if you like us, keep reading. And if nonetheless, but you still care for them and will be there for them in the end. MR you think this is something you could be a part of, join us. The Michigan Review has a now-storied history on this campus for the battles it has waged in the past quarter century. And so, in our 25th year, we will continue this fight. MR the michigan review Page 5 Campus Affairs Summer 2006 Michigan’s Five Biggest Issues

By Blake Emerson, ‘09 decisions. Recent polling suggests that the students’ minds focused on the dirty gia in Ann Arbor. Even when our team support is waning for the initiative, but politics, most notably played by S4M, performs poorly (last year), we still can N CAMPUS THIS FALL, five we’ll wait to see if it passes, and what look for a shakeup in the campus par- take pride in the Big House as we tell all big issues are sure to dominate kind of impact it has on campus life. ties. our friends how amazing our stadium discussion on campus, with O S4M, the melting-pot party big is. If the stadium renovations do not opinions swirling from all corners of the 2. The Health of the “U” on diversity and little on unity, will likely stay true to the traditional spirit of the campus. For students from out-of-state, Last year, students were wel- dissolve and reform under a new name. stadium, alumni contributions could di- first generation Wolverines, or the gen- comed back to campus with a drop in MPP may be the party that takes advan- minish. erally inattentive and apathetic, we here our academic rankings. US News and tage of the end of S4M’s dominance. at the Review have compiled our annual World Report, the most reliable college Last year, MPP, hailing from the liberal 5. Rebound of Sports Programs guide to the top five issues that you’re rankings publication, dropped Michi- ranks of the Residential College, lobbied With sports-related issues mak- sure to encounter this coming year, your gan’s undergraduate ranking from 22nd for activist causes such as the return of ing 2 of the 5 Big Issues for this year, first at Michigan. This cheat sheet will to 25th. The “U” has been adversely student government money to the left it is safe to say that this campus cares bring you up to speed and give you a affected by the sluggish Michigan econ- wing group PIRGIM. For a new party, about its sports. As such, our sports head start when you step onto campus omy, dependent on a failing auto indus- MPP garnered lots of support, even se- programs, as a whole, must improve. this fall. try, and as a result, the “U” has been curing an endorsement by The Michigan Most notably, the football team went handcuffed by a steady decrease in state Daily. 7-5, its worst record in 21 years. The 1. The MCRI appropriations. For 2006, the state’s The other new party on cam- team did face injuries, but with the con- Just three short years ago, the appropriation per student dropped a pus, the Student Conservative Party stant influx of top 10 recruiting classes, University of Michigan became the cen- whopping 26%, which turns out to be (SCP), did win some seats, but came up it is about time the team outperforms tral battleground in the U.S. for affirma- more than $1,000 per student less than far short for the MSA presidential bid. expectations – especially in big games tive action with Grutter v. Bollinger and in 2005. SCP primarily ran on bringing Coca- like Ohio State, Notre Dame, and bowl Gratz v. Bollinger. The cases effectively When negative trends like this Cola back to campus, and after we wel- games (games that we all lost last year). allowed race to be considered as a fac- take place, many other factors are af- comed back Coca-Cola to campus from Michigan coaches must also develop tor in college admission, so long as no fected. Since many high school students a semester-long ban, one wonders what their players better. Only 3 Michigan specific point system is used. During base college decisions upon rankings, platform SCP will run on in the future. players were drafted in the 2006 NFL those cases, Michigan displayed its roots the University may no longer attract If MPP wins, we may see more draft, with the first coming in the 4th as one of the premier activist campuses top students. In addition, the decreases political activism among students. If round. The hockey team and basket- in the country. This fall, expect the “U” also hurt the quality of education in the S4M continues to exist, they will thank ball teams also ended with disappoint- to return to national headlines as the classroom by putting a stranglehold on the student voters for all of the alcohol ments. Michigan Civil Rights Initiative (MCRI) the resources available to undergradu- consumed over the summer to wipe So why does this matter to hits the state ballot on November 7th. ates. Furthermore, the University will away the memories of its scandalous the students? Besides school pride, we The MCRI would prohibit be under increased pressure to increase past. need good sports to boost alumni mon- state universities “from discriminating class sizes and restrict faculty pay. Over- etary contributions and to attract top or granting preferential treatment based all, the University has done a stellar job 4. Stadium Renovations students who emphasize school spirit on race, sex, color, ethnicity, or national with maintaining a high quality of edu- Last year’s stadium renovation and sports. Luckily, this coming year origin.” If affirmed by the voters, no cation, but downward trends eventually stories underdeveloped a crucial point: could bring much needed help to our longer would any state university have adversely affect any institution. So why If the Big House is going to stay true programs. Football head coach Lloyd the right to use race as a factor in admis- is this a key issue for this coming year? to its name and remain the biggest col- Carr mixed up the staff by promoting sions. Many critics believe that the ini- Recently, Governor Granholm lege football stadium in the country, the Mike DeBord to offensive coordinator, tiative will decrease minority attendance proposed a 2% increase in appropria- stadium needs to undergo a complete the ex-offensive coordinator during the since there is an achievement gap in K- tions to Michigan in 2007, possibly re- overhaul. The “U” is being pressured 1997 National Championship season. 12 education, hindering racial progress versing the trend of decreases, and pos- to make the stadium more accessible for Players are excited by the downfield in the state and country. Supporters say sibly allowing the University to improve the disabled and to make wider seats. mentality absent in the past few seasons. that the MCRI is necessary to halt the upon its weaknesses. Furthermore, In addition, commentators, players, and The hockey team has the advantage of trend of reverse racial discrimination. although specific figures have not yet fans alike wonder how 107,501 people experience and the return of defensive Achieving diversity in educa- been released, preliminary indications can be so quiet (acoustical issues). In standout Jack Johnson. The basketball tion is important for a well-rounded suggest a relatively sharp drop in ad- order to appease everyone, the stadium team will have to endure losses, making education that prepares students for missions after years of steady increases may even lose seats and become the the future less clear for that team. the real world. The real issue is how in admissions and matriculation rates. second biggest football stadium behind Overall, Michigan sports mean that diversity is achieved. Either way, With these factors, this could be the Penn State’s 107,288 seats. Most fans, a lot to the students. Last year, the ath- students can expect Michigan to stay year that Michigan turns the corner. in addition to the improvements, want letic program disappointed students, true to its activist label, and beat out Michigan Stadium to be the biggest in and this coming year marks a crucial other state universities for the “cam- 3. Stability of “U’s” student parties the country. Athletic Director Bill Mar- year in Michigan sports. With strong paign headquarters” of the MCRI. Last Last school year ended with tin believes that skyboxes are the only showings, Michigan can look forward year, the militant pro-affirmative action a bang…if that’s the sound a website way to finance necessary renovations to continued financial support and mor- group BAMN stole the headlines with makes when it crashes. Michigan Pro- and to ensure that the stadium stays the al well-being of the “U.” Make sure to their big rally in the Diag, in which they gressive Party (MPP) accused Students largest in the country. The issue came keep reading the Review throughout the bused inner-city children to act as pawns 4 Michigan (S4M) of attempting to shut to a boiling point in May, as the Univer- school year for coverage and analysis of for their agenda. This year, expect even down its website during voting. Regard- sity Board of Regents voted 5-3 in favor all of these issues, and more. MR more noise in the Diag and around cam- less, S4M continued its dominance, win- of the renovations. pus as BAMN and other groups fight to ning the MSA presidential slot, barely This will continue to be a hot keep affirmative action in admissions beating out MPP candidates. But with button issue because football is nostal- the michigan review Page 6 Definitions Summer 2006 Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About A Michigan Review Glossary of Terms URE, THEY TELL YOU all sorts of in the near future. “Econ 101”: A weeder class required for B-school Sthings at Freshman Orientation, but admissions whose tests scarcely have anything to do what’s the REALLY important stuff to “Buffalo Wild Wings”: Now established on campus, with the study of economics. this is *the* place to watch the game. Cheapest beer know? Well, here at the Review, we’ve com- on campus. “Espresso Royale”: Known for their conspicuous piled a glossary of sorts to help you traverse advocacy of fair trade coffee, the coffee king is the Ann Arbor without looking clueless. So read, “Bursley AKA BurLodge/Baits”: North campus main competitor of Starbucks on campus. Home study, and don’t leave home without this. residence halls which, despite boasting the best caf- of the tragically hip indie kids and graduate students eteria in Housing, are also characterized by many holding office hours. “Angell Hall”: Central campus academic building lonely nights of hating not being on central campus characterized by big white pillars, 24-hour opera- and many pissed off mornings of missing the bus. “Every Three Weekly”: A spin-off of The Michigan tion, communist janitors, and English professors In Baits, watch out for the shared refrigerators… Review humor section published through the Uni- that have plush offices who choose to meet for of- you only think that was your meatloaf. versity Activities Center. Watch the stupid kid next fice hours at hippie hang-outs instead. to you in class think that Chad Henne really did “College Democrats”: People who support colla- cause the Holocaust. Caught some hell from UAC “Ann Arbor”: AKA, the People’s Republic of, 27 gen injections as a tool for political advancement. in 2004 for publicizing that Olympic Gold Medalist square miles surrounded by reality. A shell of a Mid- and Michigan “student” Michael Phelps intends to western city taken over by the University of Michi- “College Libertarians”: An intellectual bunch who “major in pussy” during his four years here. gan and “1960’s era” hippies. Also, a city that sees want the Democrats out of your wallet, and the Re- more major events come through than any small publicans out of your bedroom. Sadly, Republicans “The Facebook”: The most technologically ad- college town is entitled to. identify Libertarians as hippies, and liberals refer to vanced way to just *almost* hook up, and every- them as anarchists. See also, “College Republicans body’s favorite distraction from papers. Also, a sure “The Arb”, AKA “Nichols Arboretum”: Beautiful no longer in denial.” GPA-killer. “living museum” of plants, trails, and fields located near the University Hospital. Characterized by cou- “College Republicans”: A toolbox concerned with “Fish Bowl”: Angell Hall’s indoor computing site. ples on dates making out, sketchy old guys mastur- pushing issues in the Republican platform, many of Characterized by large glass windows, people walk- bating behind trees, and ROTC jungle training lab whom will reach great heights in politics by kissing ing around for hours on end trying to find just one on Thursday nights (dudes in camo crawling around mucho ass. For example, drain commissioner and damn open computer, and rampant un-productiv- in silly patterns). The Arb has the rare distinction of zoning board are reachable goals. See also, Ass- ity due to sorority-girl-social-hour and high-pitched being a favorite hangout of the Unabomber during holes. laughing by the Asian kids at 3am. his University days. “Dance Marathon”: The happiest people on earth, “Fraternities:” Groups of men who spend $500 a “Assholes”: See BAMN, MSA, PIRGIM, Fraterni- and yes Disney was lying. Campus group that hosts month for a place to live furnished with cheaply ties, Sororities, The Michigan Review, see also the Col- 30 hour marathon for Mott’s Hospital every year rented friends, date-rape drugs, and membership to lege Republicans. that will have you so sick of community service by a group identified by Greek letters that spell out ab- the end that you’ll push a child into the street. solutely nothing. See also, assholes. “B-School”: The University of Michigan Business School. Characterized by caffeine-wired, anal reten- “Diag”: Harassment capital of the world. Charac- “Gargoyle”: The University’s official monthly hu- tive individuals that will probably make mad cash by terized by Festifall, Goodness Day, Falun Dafa Guy mor magazine, which no longer comes out monthly, selling their respective souls to corporate America. (yes, guy is a proper noun) meditating, Diag Preacher was never humorous, and no longer sells for a dollar. screaming “You’re going to hell,” BAMN protests, Per issue, The Michigan Review is winning the contest “BAMN”: The Coalition to Defend Affirmative Holocaust name reading marathon, the LGBT kiss- as a funnier publication, which says something be- Action (and integration, and to stop the racist war in in, and hot girls in the spring time. By sophomore cause we aren’t a humor magazine. [insert country here] and whatever else they feel like year, you’ll learn to avoid the Diag at all costs. adding in that week) By Any Means Necessary. A “GEO”: The Graduate Student Instructors’ union collection of revolutionary communists and Detroit “Diversity”: The quality of possessing difference. that stands in *solidarity* with virtually every oth- high school students who get off on causing trouble In University speak, this means a quantitative value er left-wing cause imaginable. Characterized by and intimidating students around campus. corresponding directly to the number of “under- unkempt clothes, scruffy hair, and office hours at represented” minorities attending. For example, a Espresso Royale. Hold their annual walkout in “Beaners”: No, this isn’t an attempt at overt racism. class with 100% Black, Hispanic, and Native Ameri- April, just in time for finals. See also, assholes. Beaners is the actual name of a coffee shop in town. can students would be considered 100% “diverse,” On a campus that protested Michagamua, a secret while a class of 24% Asian Republicans, 41% White “Greek System”: Because high school was so much society deemed “hostile” to Native Americans, we Green Party members, and 35% Indian Democrats fun the first time around... wonder how this establishment managed to slip all of whom belong to a variety of religions and so- through the cracks. cio-economic backgrounds and have varying sexual “Greens”: People that help George W. Bush get orientations would be considered 0% “diverse.” elected. “Big Ten Burrito”: Home of the cheap, delicious Mexican food that attracts the most drunk and most “DPS”: Department of Public Safety. As you will “Hobo”: The homeless, and “NO! 25 cents is not stoned kids Ann Arbor has to offer. More recently, learn from the Daily Crime Notes, they have no sus- good enough.” In Ann Arbor, the bums ask for $2 a symbol of Big-10 stupidity; look for a name change pects…ever…really. and don’t even invite you up to their apartment for the michigan review Page 7 Definitions (Continued) Summer 2006 Michigan (But Were Too Afraid to Ask) For the Ann Arbor Neophyte a beer. Many hold college degrees, but find harass- “The Michigan Union”: Central student center filled “Queer Awareness Week”: Annual event that en- ing liberal guilt-ridden upper-class college kids far with the joys of Magic Wok and the most profitable courages closeted homosexuals to “come out.” In- more profitable. The West Hall arch reeks from this Subway in the country. cludes a kiss-in in which you kiss a member of the trade, and watch your garbage for daily can collec- same sex for everyone and their mother to see on tions. See also, “Extreme Urban Campers.” “Morlocks”: the Diag. See also, a good day to take another way 1. Creatures in an H.G. Wells novel, who to class. “In and Out”: A party store—get your mind out of never saw the light of day, dwelt in caves, the gutter. Good late night pizza. glowed in the dark from lack of exposure “Rev. Al Sharpton”: A nuisance and a demagogue to light, and consumed human flesh to who is a staple at BAMN protests, and actually “Nicole Stallings”: Director of the campus zoo, or live. called white people “crackers” on the Diag last year. President Barbie… in other words, MSA President. 2. Residents of East Quad Which is apparently acceptable now.

“Jaywalking”: This term does not exist here, you “MSA”: The student assembly of the University of “Rick’s”: Though you won’t get there until junior asshole pedestrians. Michigan. A college version of a student council year, this is probably the hottest bar on campus. the group claims to be able to do many things for Near Pizza House. Where you’ll have your twenty- “Jimmy John’s”: Located now on all four corners students, usually around election time, and generally first birthday until you throw up. of the Diag, they have reduced college students use fails to produce anything of substance beyond “de- of the cook stove to the occasional “warming up my velopment” conferences and other perks for them- “Shaman Drum”: A fire trap of a local bookstore Jimmy John’s in the oven” use. Also characterized selves. Also great for resume stuffing and pointless with a quasi-monopoly on books for the social sci- by their KY Mayonnaise. And yes, the smells are bickering. See also, assholes. ences. free. “Naked Mile”: A grand old tradition here at the “Snow”: White frozen stuff that falls to the ground “KerryTown”: Where 1960’s era hippies hang out. U where simple, innocent, graduating seniors would in Michigan for the majority of your education Ann Arbor shopping district. liberate themselves in the elation of graduating and here. run stark raving naked for a mile while dodging cops “Liberal”: The haunting fear that somebody some- trying to take them down for indecent exposure. “SOLE”: A student group for rich, white kids with where can help themselves. The advent of sickos with streaming webcams and liberal guilt. Members help alleviate the stress of a SWAT team parked on South U during the last being rich and white by campaigning for workers’ “Lloyd Carr”: Head Coach of the Michigan Wol- day of classes at 12am is making this slightly more rights at the most ridiculous levels and advocating verines Varsity Football Team, and looks like he’s difficult. communism whenever possible to spite their par- melting. High “overall” winning percentage, high “I ents and damn the man. blew that one” percentage when it matters. High… “New Yorkers”: Comprise what seems damn near est paid dude at the school, too. Well, some doc- 40% of this campus. Kids who weren’t smart “Sororities”: Groups of women who spend $500 tor or something is higher, but pretty close. Also, enough to attend Ivy League schools, but too rich a month for a place to live furnished with cheaply Droopy the Dog. to stay in-state. Ergo, they invade Ann Arbor. rented slutty friends, the right to get drunk and screw frat boys, and membership to a group identified by “Mary Sue Coleman”: President of the University “North Campus”: Beautiful sprawling campus of Greek letters that spell out absolutely nothing. See of Michigan. Characterized by different head shots advanced academic facilities and residence halls. also, assholes. which look completely different and a half million Sadly, if you enjoy “civilization” or “doing stuff,” bucks a year to run this mofo. you’re out of luck. See also, “boring” and “far away “Sun”: A large ball of flaming gas in the sky that from everything.” disappears sometime in October and returns just in “The Michigan Daily”: A group of mostly white, time for girls to wear tank tops and Dominick’s to upper-middle-class students who put out a poorly “Parking”: Like “jaywalking,” this term does not open in April. written newspaper every day about how white, up- exist in Ann Arbor either. per-middle-class students are oppressing people at “Taubman”: Alfred to be exact. Billionaire mall the University. They’ve never met a walk-out they “PIRGIM”: A “research” group trying to coerce mogul and University donor that is now…in jail didn’t like and their cartoonists are starting kinder- MSA into giving them $20,000 to lobby for students despite having a medical library and architecture garten art this fall. by trying to reduce greenhouse gases by one-quarter school named after him. percent. See also, assholes. “The Michigan League”: The once-segregated hang- “Village Corner”: Convenience store characterized out for women on campus, it curiously hosts almost “Pizza House”: The unofficial restaurant of the by freaks that will take your fake ID…and some- all Republican-affiliated events on campus. Also, University of Michigan student body. See also, over- times, your real one. where The Michigan Review office is located. rated, overpriced, open until 4am, and/or cheesy bread rocks. “Zingerman’s”: A world-famous deli, most notable “The Michigan Review”: A diverse group of women, for its $15 sandwiches and bread as hard as a rock. minorities, and lower-middle class and poor stu- “Pop”: The correct term for the sweetened carbon- But the food is delicious, and it’s a place you want to dents who put out a hard-hitting journal of com- ated beverage which all you East-coasters might re- have your parents take you. MR mentary and analysis every two weeks with a com- fer to as soda, a popular baking ingredient. mitment to logic and truth so unyielding that we’re the assholes. “Psych 111”: Blow-off class…take this. the michigan review Page 8 Face-Off Summer 2006 Michigan Review Face-Off: Greek Life Review staff writer and Greek Life member Mike Balkin faces off against Nick Cheolas over the merits of going Greek I Love Being Greek I Love Being Greek Too...but I don’t pay By Mike Balkin, ‘09 By Nick Cheolas, ‘07 ’m not from Greece, if that’s what you’re thinking. Rather, I am a mem- S A REAL Greek, I was chosen by my Review brethren to face off against my Iber of the Greek system here it at the University of Michigan. I, moreover, am a Aesteemed colleague and fake Greek friend, Mike Balkin. However, I want to let proud member of the Alpha Epsilon Pi Fraternity here on campus. For the most part, our readers know that I have no true disdain for Fraternities and Sororities. In fact, especially at the University of Michigan, fraternities and sororities do not resemble I am quite honored that several thousand of my fellow students will pay thousands the stereotypical representations that have been exposed through film and television. per semester just to be associated with my ethnicity. There are many things one must Movies like “Animal House” and “Old School,” while funny and entertaining, do a consider before joining the Greek system, so without further ado, I present the top great disservice to the American Greek system (but, I’ll still always love these mov- nine reasons to remain independent and proud here at Michigan (would have been ies). Granted, the primary goal of these films is not to present a accurate portrayal ten, but I ran out of space). of Greek organizations. However, they have inadvertently fanned the flames of an 9) Ca$h Money: Each term, dues amount to $400-500. While many of us are increasingly large mischaracterization. They have built upon the notion that Greek fortunate enough to have our parents shell out a good portion of tuition and housing organizations just want to party and get drunk and do unbelievably crazy things. This costs, they may not be as willing to dole out the extra $800-$1000 in dues. If they mischaracterization, furthermore, has an additional component. Many opponents of won’t, you have to decide if a job is worth it. the University’s Greek system claim that Greek organizations are elitist and “are only 8) You graduated: High school is four years long. You don’t get four more. Sadly, for rich kids.” This could not be further from the truth. the Greek system has not figured this out, and thus, a quasi-high school subculture Contrary to popular belief, fraternities and sororities do participate in a wide has emerged, complete with “labels” (you know, the “cool kids,” “jocks,” “stoners,” variety of philanthropic ventures that aim to either aid in the development of the etc.) “spirit week” (Greek week), “that girl” (the slut that everyone knows is a slut, but community in which they operate or fulfill a higher moral or national purpose. In fact, everyone is afraid to tell her she’s a slut) and so on. each year the entire Greek community participates in “Greek Week.” This “Week” 7) Freeedommm!: Like joining any group or club at the University, pledging a is dedicated to Greek-sponsored activities that help raise massive amounts of money house will require a good portion of your time and energy. This may have a number of for a number of different charities and causes. Additionally, many fraternities and so- implications – some prefer to have more time to relax outside of class, some prefer to rorities sponsor their own charitable events and activities. Also, many fraternities and never have to attend functions at night, and some may prefer to stay in on a Thursday sororities may even offer scholarships to members who cannot pay the, organizational night to study for a Friday exam. The point is, Fraternities and Sororities are more fees. This begs the question: is philanthropy “elitist” or “only for rich kids?” I’ll let you than simply social organizations – they are involved in numerous activities throughout decide. the year. While some thrive on involvement and budget their time well, you don’t want What the system’s opponents are trying to get at, I suppose, is the Greek to be halfway through your pledge semester before you realize that you can’t handle social factor. Opponents of the Greek system, therefore, probably believe that frater- all the activity. nities and sororities are elitist social organizations which aim to include only Greek 6) The Greek system is racist: Sure, every Frat has a token black guy, but is this members at parties, mixers, and other social functions. This is partly true. However, really a “critical mass?” at “frat parties,” which are often themed and intensely fun, there usually is a guest list 5) They’re homophobic too: I’m not really sure anybody has ever produced any which is set-up to include students who are outside of the Greek system, in these sorts actual evidence to support this, but the LGBT said it, so you know it must be true. of activities. Wait, you say, a guest list sounds pretty elitist to me, even if it includes 4) The Greek system eats babies: Not literally (we think), but if you look at media non-Greek members. Well, think about it this way. Let’s say you have a birthday party coverage and administration treatment, you would think this was the case. Get drunk at your house or apartment. You invite your close friends and possibly some class- or smoke a joint in a private residence and guess what happens. Nothing. Ann Arbor mates that you recently have become friendly with. Now, let’s say random people just cops generally won’t bother anybody unless they are causing a real, public problem. start to show up. You don’t know who these people are. You don’t even know if they But if you break some stupid Greek system rule in your house (like having more than are students at the University. Would you even let them in the door, let alone eat your 5.25 sorority girls per every “sober” monitor in a house on an odd numbered Tuesday, birthday cake or drink the spirits you provided for your invited guests? I think not. drinking domestic beer from a blue cup), you better head for the hills. Pretty soon, the The opponents of the Greek system would have you believe, moreover, that these media will be “shocked and appalled” at the Greek system, and the administration will non-invited guests should be included in your birthday party and be able to consume subsequently pillage your house (”Animal House” style), rape your horses, and ride the food and spirits YOU provided and paid for. Meanwhile, these non-invited guests off on your women. haven’t even introduced themselves to you and it’s your birthday party. How would 3) Living under a microscope: Every action of the Greek community, good or bad, you feel? is magnified (and you can guess what gets magnified most). You can raise $10,000 for Now, instead of debunking the opponents’ arguments, let me introduce you cancer research, but if you get caught having an “illegal” party, goodnight. The same to the advantages and “complete awesomeness” of being a part of the University’s pattern repeats itself every year: Frat house gets caught breaking a rule, administration Greek system. As I said before, Greek organizations can become efficient vectors for threatens, the Interfraternity Council promises reforms, IFC makes fake reforms, and philanthropy and charitable ventures. In addition, fraternities and sororities are often the houses routinely break the fake rules until another one gets caught. diverse organizations and have members of many different backgrounds and ethnici- 2) Segregation: The real problem with segregation here at Michigan is between the ties. In the case of fraternities, and sororities, a strong bond is developed between all Greeks and the Independents. House parties are generally foreign to Michigan Greeks of the members. If you’re part of a fraternity or sorority, you’re part of something that (unless said house party is preceded by the name of a sport, such as “Baseball House” is bigger than yourself. Moreover, you’re part of organization that aims to do chari- or “Crew House”), in which case the jersey chasers will be out in force. Frat parties table good for its community, create strong bonds of friendship and companionship (especially now) are generally foreign to Independents. Much of the Greek system between its members, and throw some pretty sweet parties, as well. can be found at Scorekeepers. Then they turn 21 and move to Rick’s. While pledging As you can see, I am a strong supporter of the Greek system. It has provided me a house may certainly make a large University feel small, the isolation factor is worth with opportunities to provide for my community, as well as forge lifelong friendships consideration. with people with similar interests. If you come visit us in the fall, you’ll quickly find 1) You can’t just buy Greekness: They could have picked any other nationality, that Greek organizations are not the “animal houses” or “elitist organizations” you’ve but they choose to steal mine. Somebody asked me if I had a Greek ID card once. heard about. MR I showed them my driver’s license. Then he asked me if I had a real Greek ID card. I punched him right in the temple. These people perpetuate the stereotype that all Greeks do is drink excessively, smoke pot, and hit on freshman girls. That’s ridiculous. I don’t smoke pot at all. MR the michigan review Page 9 Dorm Life Summer 2006 Dungeons and Dorms...Same Difference

By Natalie Newton, ‘09 provide social events within the dorms. All-female resi- their own dorms are as disgusting. dencies have obvious advantages. They tend to be qui- ff ampus ousing et’s just get this out of the way: living in O -C H eter, less distracting, and better smelling than the other While few freshmen actually live in Co-ops the dorms sucks. The food is, at best, terrible, the L dorms, though social isolation isn’t exactly the point of or fraternity/sororities, most freshmen end up at them bathroom is essentially a communal cesspool: and the college. during Welcome Week parties, so you might as well be- concrete walls do nothing for your cell phone reception. entral ampus come familiar with them. Co-ops are like big, creepy So with that in mind, welcome to residential living at C C In addition to the all-female residence halls, families; 20 to 30 people live in a house together and the University of Michigan, an exciting world of broc- South, East, West, and in the near future, North Quads help out with chores, and almost every weekend, one of coli bake, competitive laundry, and paper-thin walls! It comprise the Central Campus student housing. While them has a weird-themed party. While not for everyone, doesn’t take much for the average freshmen to realize North Quad is still in its planning stage, the other three Co-op living is actually the cheapest option for U of M that all dorms are not created equal, and it is in this spirit quads offer a diverse array of living experiences for those students. Greek houses tend to be bundled throughout that the wise and all-knowing Michigan Review imparts lucky enough to end up in them as freshmen. South campus; they’re big, beautiful, and have lawns covered our vast knowledge upon incoming freshmen in the Quad is home to the Honors College and also tends to with red plastic cups. Most people are either into the hope that they won’t be as clueless as we were. house many student athletes; it seems an il- The Hill logical mix of students, especially when the The Hill neighborhood includes basically ev- cafeteria is segregated into two sides that offer ery dorm east of Washtenaw Avenue—Couzens, Alice the ease of isolation for both nerds and jocks Lloyd, Mosher Jordan (aka MoJo), Stockwell, and Mar- alike. With eight floors and a full computer kley. With the exception of Stockwell, the Hill dorms center on the 9th, South are all fairly Quad is the largest dorm on large, typical campus and has some of the dormitories. A biggest rooms. West Quad new cafeteria is joined to the Michigan is being added Union, making its residents to Markley, but the laziest on campus, since in general, the they can get Magic Wok Hill dorms— at 1 a.m. without putting especially Mar- on anything more than a kley—have a bathrobe. Currently, West reputation for Quad is the only dorm with b e i n g … u n - a reliable (and legal) wireless pleasant. The system, which can be a huge rooms are small, advantage to students. On the buildings Just wait until the annual plague hits the other hand, there’s no are old, and the HAHAHA! You live in Bursley! Markley in February elevator, making it an interest- food is gross, but what do you expect? After all, this is ing juxtaposition of modernity and the archaic. While Greek thing or they aren’t, but the option exists either a public university. So you got stuck on the Hill…cheer East Quad might seem a little lonely all by itself down way. up! At least you aren’t on North Campus. East University Avenue, it’s chock-full of Residential So maybe your freshmen year isn’t going so North Campus College students to keep you company on those cold well: your bathroom is full of cockroaches (true story), North Campus is home to the Schools of En- and lonely Michigan winter nights. By the end of fresh- your roommate’s a nightmare, and by the time you get gineering , Music, and Art and Design, as well as the men year, you’ll probably be able to identify RC students over the flu that’s been going around, it has unfortu- Bursley and Baits dorms. Bursley claims to have the by sight, but until then, hanging out in East Quad will nately started a return trip. The beginning of the second best food on campus, but let’s be honest: when semester of your freshmen year is the best time you’re on North Campus, you’ll take whatever to start looking for off-campus housing; by then, glory you can get. While some might actually you’ll probably have a good idea who you want enjoy the isolation or the vicinity to engineer- to live with, what kind of housing you’re looking ing and art facilities that North Campus hous- for, and where you want to be the following year. ing provides, most freshmen who get stuck in Searching online at the various Ann Arbor rental Bursley or Baits spend 20% of their freshmen web sites is probably your best option, but looking year complaining and another 40% waiting for through the Classifieds and talking to your older the bus back and forth between North and Cen- and wiser friends couldn’t hurt. tral campuses. People who are quick to defend By now, you are surely trembling in your seats North Campus actually expect the rest of us to at the thought of actually living in a tiny, cramped believe that there are “parties” up there, but room in a huge, overcrowded building with 400 honestly, who has time to research their claims strangers. The best advice I can offer is to stop when everyone else is busy going to real parties worrying; the rest of us have made it out relatively between the Hill and Central Campus? unscathed, and every cockroach you chase through For Women Only the hallway, every disturbing 3 am sound coming In the spirit of gender equality, the from the room upstairs, and every bowl of Lucky “U” has several dorms reserved just for women. Charms you eat for dinner are all just part of the The all-female dorms on campus include Betsey West Quad: At least it’s not South Quad college experience. Barbour, Helen Newberry, Stockwell, and Mar- MR tha Cook. They are easy to spot, since they are give you plenty of practice. Students who live there get easily some of the nicest-looking buildings on campus. a good preview of what it’s like at orientation, while the Because of their smaller sizes, all-female housing tends rest are surely filled with dread and anxiety over whether to be more interactive and communal, and they often the michigan review Page 10 Campus Life Summer 2006 Break Up With Your Sweetheart Now—Or Later

By Michael O’Brien, ‘08 day night on the phone crooning to your high school at the end of the summer than a random Wednesday T’S REALLY A FASCINATING little game to sweetheart about how much you miss them. Half of afternoon before your big midterm. Iplay—watch how many of the kids on the Facebook college’s experiences lie well beyond the scope of the So even if you come to school with a clean who, at the beginning of the year, list their status as “in a academic or the classroom; it’s very much a social, ex- slate, ready to meet your thousands of classmates, you’re relationship,” dwindle away and list themselves as single tracurricular experience. At parties, at football games, not out of the woods yet. Don’t enter into a serious re- within the first month of school. Also, keep an eye on and even (for you North Campus kids) on the bus, it’s lationship too soon or even at all during your first year. the friends you’ve made—by the end of the month, if hard not to be inundated and a bit overwhelmed by the The first nice guy or girl you may meet may click just they’re not tied up, or at least don’t have a regular “spe- hundreds of new faces you meet. Quite frankly, it’s a right during September, but there’s no reason to stymie cial friend” on speed dial, well, then they’re lucky folks. blur. It’s through this, and your experience of your first your social life by getting too involved. It’s incredibly I don’t mean to be pessimistic, I really don’t. But it’s just prolonged time away from home that most students go easy to miss a lot of experiences, and neglect developing far easier to break off that two-year high school fling through a somewhat substantial change in themselves, your skills by doing the same thing every weekend with now, rather than in mid-March, when your boyfriend no matter how much they try to resist it. And with these the same person. Getting into a relationship too soon or girlfriend calls you at 2 am and swears that it didn’t changes in self come wholesale reevaluations of one’s can be a great cause of doubt, as well. You may snatch count because they were hammered. The same rule ap- relationships with others. Many students become much up the first suitable partner that comes along, but that plies for getting yourself too involved too soon when more self-aware, and their perspectives on things, if girl you pass every day on the Diag or that guy who sits you get to school in the fall; it just puts a damper on not their opinions, shift around a bit. And sure, there’s near you in your Econ discussion will pique your imagi- your social life. a good deal of pressure (and rightly so) to go out and nation much more now that you’ve tied yourself down. make friends and be social. Also, fanciful high school notions of what constitutes a I realize that many might be reluctant to say good-bye to that person with whom you just spent a se- The question any incoming frosh should be good relationship wash away eventually as the realism of rious portion of the last several years of your life. There asking themselves is whether, given this, they can even, college begins to set in. are all those sweet memories: your prom night, that first in good conscience, maintain a high school relationship. The bottom line remains, though, that most date, whatever. But why would you want to sour those Why go through the almost inevitable hell that comes students are uncertain about what kind of person they memories or muddy them in a messy break-up? You and through a messy breakup via long-distance phone calls are or where they’ll be at the end of their first year of your better half should really take a hard look at reality. and furious instant messaging? Why, especially if you can school, let alone four years of college. Freshman year, Sure, it is entirely possible to maintain a solid relation- manage an amicable split after talking things out, with a with its varied and formative experiences, is just not the ship with substantial differences between the two of good friendship that will be mutually supportive in the time for serious commitment. The first year of college you. But it’s sure as hell not probable. future? There’s a lot at risk by trying to hold onto every is just a much better experience, when done correctly, last thread of those sweet memories, while a soon-to-be without a boyfriend or girlfriend imposing on your so- College has a lot to offer when it comes to so- cial opportunities. Welcome Week is a blast for most ex is slowly turning the knife freshly stuck in your back. cial life. MR students, and you probably don’t want to spend that Fri- Break up with your sweetie; it will be a lot less painful Don’t Be on Time, Be on Michigan Time By Michael Kasiborski, ‘04 start, there is a strategy to seating your- cause after all - you’re sitting next to her class, but sometimes you gotta do what reshman – let me be amongst self. This rule applies especially, if not because you’re a good guy, not because you gotta do). As the fun guy in class Fthe first to welcome you to the Uni- exclusively, to recitations, seminars, and you’re an asshole that likes staring at her that exudes so much machismo that the versity of Michigan and it’s glorious Ann discussions. And sorry ladies, but this chest. What’s more it will totally catch hot girl sits next to him, your classmates Arbor campus. Over your next four, five, rule is sort of gender specific, and not for her off guard in a good way if you ask will love you! And isn’t that why you’re or even six to ten years here (that better the faint of heart. Gentlemen, for you I about her boyfriend. Ask his name, what at Michigan, for the approval of others? include grad school...), you will discover will share the single best piece of advice I he’s like, yadda yadda yadda. But don’t Where you sit in class tells a lot the wonders that I too eventually found. can dispense to help you get through your ask “if he goes here.” That’s a red flag about you. And no, I’m not talking about As a little helping hand before you em- boring classes: as you enter the classroom that you are already hoping it’s a long-dis- smart kids sitting in the front, slackers on the first day, seek out the hottest girl tance relationship that you can break up. sitting in the back. You’re at Michigan, bark on your academic journey, the Re- in your class. Try and be smooth about it Don’t scare her off and don’t jeopardize everyone sits in the back. But the really view would like to offer you some friendly advice that you will find very useful in (engineers, therefore, must unfortunately your position as the guy that sits next to smart kids sit next to hot girls. And the your first few weeks. skip this strategy), and without drawing her. really hot girls sit wherever they want be- much attention to yourself with fresh- cause they are hot and do as the please, so As you will learn during Ori- Eventually, your seat next to entation, “Michigan Time” refers to the man-guy clumsiness, sit next to her! Start her will become your territory. The two you better sit next to them. If this advice 10-minute spacing for classes. Hence, a talking to her, but not like you’re inter- of you, or more if there are other good- seems sexist, chauvinist, or utterly insen- 10am class really actually and truly begins viewing her. Introduce yourself, ask her looking girls in your area, will have staked sitive to the concerns of ugly people and at 10:10am, and so on and so forth. Your where’s she from, where’s she living now, out a claim to your territory. No one will socially inept nerds, then you are abso- first day of class, however, you will un- etc. Casually say something witty about dare move in on your space. With this lutely correct. But frankly, those kind of doubtedly show up thirty minutes before how terrible dorm food is or how crazy territorial domain, you can carve out a people are so sexually frustrated that they your class actually begins. There you will BAMN is – make her laugh! Seem in- good group of people to sit with. Hope- infer innuendoes from their engineering all be, thirty or so freshman neurotically formed, and seem cool (because let’s face fully you have been endearing them to homework: you know, the problem about arriving early, all staring at your watches it, you’re probably not). you over the first few weeks of class with the tangent line penetrating the diameter in a vacant Mason Hall hallway, collec- This seating strategy doesn’t irreverent remarks about the stupidity of of the circle? Whatever…so that’s not tively watching the time tick by. Don’t stop after the first day though. Even if your GSI, the horrible grade you got on a real problem/it lacks any sense. But I do it. Michigan Time means exactly what during your initial conversation she pulls your last paper (tip: you always do poor- was too busy staring at the hot girl I’ve it says, class starts 10 minutes after its that “I’ve got a boyfriend” shit. Whatev- ly, but you always are confident enough been sitting next to in my Psychology posted time. Get yourself a little more er! Don’t let it phase you (p.s. -most hot to laugh it off – this seems to work), or class all semester to think of anything in- sleep and save yourself from staring at a girls at Michigan have boyfriends; if this hilarious comments about the weird kid telligent. Hot girls are sweet. Oh, and the watch for 30 minutes. is not the case, they must be crazy). You in class (disclaimer: the Review does not same thing applies to the ladies for get- can handle that “boyfriend” noise be- condone ripping on the dorks in your ting guys. When your class actually does MR the michigan review Page 11 Advice Summer 2006 How to Not Look Like a Freshman

By Brian McNally, ‘08 and Developmental Biology. Unless the Michigan Football meet other people who share your inter- emember your first day AAPD got clever with their disguises, the ests. Interested in protesting the Man, Rof high school—confused, disori- dirty hippie at Hash Bash is just a dirty The Big House is where the mob cheers even against overwhelming evidence con- ented, not knowing what to expect, and hippie. as men battle on the gridiron. If you trary to your position? Join the Students clutching your class schedule in one hand don’t have tickets, keep your eyes peeled Organized for Labor Equality (SOLE). you went from class to class, right? Well, Zingerman’s the first week of class. If you still can’t get Looking for a resume builder that en- five years later, you are in the same posi- tickets, scalpers frequent the front of the tails no actual work, fact-checking, or tion, only now you have an entire city to The premier Jewish deli and sandwich Stadium where tickets may range in value importance? Join the Michigan Student worry about. Fear not, grasshopper, for shop. To not be a freshman, you need from half to double price. A large per- Assembly. Want to write for a hard-hit- The Michigan Review has created this issue to know two things. First, Zingerman’s is centage of the scalpers are honest, but the ting campus publication that goes head to hoping that we can ingratiate ourselves located in Kerrytown on Detroit and East tickets are often not for the student sec- head with other campus newspapers, has enough with you so that you will join our Kingsley. Knowing where to go is half the tion, meaning that you will be surrounded had members quoted in national newspa- staff. Unfortunately, there is only a short battle. Once you get there, order a whole by 80 year old alumni who frown on such pers, and is the last bastion of sanity in time with which we can work so that sandwich—whatever sandwich you may staples as “The Claw” and singing “The Ann Arbor? Join The Michigan Review. you can enter campus on September 1st order—to get the most for your money. Victors” whenever possible. and not have to relive the angst of high If you order a half sandwich, you display Due to the recent struggles of Classes school. So buckle down and prepare to a total disregard for getting the best deal the team, it is recommended that you learn How Not to be a Freshman. you can, which means one of two things: learn “Living on a Prayer” in addition to Signed up for a large lecture or class, and your education is being financed by rich “The Victors”, as it has become a second trying to decide which section to take? Hill Auditorium parents, or you’re not really a college stu- fight song. Also, be prepared to swing First, check with ratemyprofessor.com or dent. Wrap up the other half and take it from two hours of elation to being utterly someone who has already taken it. If the Hosting such big names as Pink Floyd, home with you. Better yet, drop it off at downcast as the visiting team marches two GSIs/professors are about the same, Gordon Lightfoot, BB King, and Ann the Review offices and we’ll be happy to down the field in the final minutes to de- go with the one which lets you sleep in Arbor’s own Bob Seger, Hill was the place take care of it for you. feat Michigan by three points. longer. If that still doesn’t help, go with to go for concerts . . . in the 70s. Now, the one whose name you can comfortably UM students are lucky to get as mediocre Angelo’s Michigan Hockey pronounce. a performer as Ludicrous, er, Ludacris, to entertain them. Since the Michigan Stu- This gem is the most popular place in If you think that the crowd in the Big Dorm Life dent Assembly lost money on that event, Ann Arbor for Sunday breakfast, so pop- House is too rowdy for your taste, never UM might have to resign itself to speech- ular in fact that a song was written laud- go to a Michigan hockey game. The stu- An 8 AM class, while possible in high es from Michael Moore and philharmonic ing its “eggs over-easy, hash browns, and dent section in Yost arena is filled with school, will become unthinkable if you concerts at this fine venue. toast”. The French toast and raisin toast fanatics who viciously heckle and degrade are living in the dorms. 9 AM, and even If MSA brings a good band to are the trademark specialties, though their the opposing team, the opposing goalie, 10 AM, classes will also be hard to get campus, which is scheduled to happen omelets are excellent as well. On the cor- and the visiting parents. These rabid fans to if your hall likes to party late into the right after the first cold spell in Hell, you ner of Catherine and Glen, arrive early or help make Yost the “toughest place to night. When papers or projects are due, can pick up tickets at the office in the prepare to wait if you want a table. play in college hockey” with a repertoire late nights will drain all of your energy Michigan Union basement. of chants that cover everything from the and make getting to an 11:00 class on the Rivalries with MSU and OSU goalie’s failure to stop a goal (“It’s all your other side of campus an Odyssey. Engi- The Diag fault!”) to the physical characteristics of neering and pre-med students: get fitted One is a rivalry that causes split families; the players’ parents (“Ugly Parents!”) to for your caffeine IV early. The connector for all of your Central one is a rivalry that causes split lips. If the catch-all: “You’re not a black hole, Get out and meet the people in Campus classes and your biggest obstacle you are a freshman from out-of-state, you just suck!” If Michigan football your hall. Many will become core friends to getting to class, the Diag is where the you might not realize that many Michigan seems too tame for you, check out the who you can rely on later, meet for bar- nutcases come out to play. As the mid- families have one kid at Michigan State hockey team, which regularly recruits beques, or borrow expensive textbooks term elections approach, watch out for University, while the smarter kid is at players from the USA hockey team and from. Sealing yourself away in your room the token socialist group, BAMN, and UM. Friends are also split between the sends graduates into the NHL. Michigan will not win you any points, nor will keep- their rallies led by students bussed in from two, and so a rivalry develops that decides hockey has been in the NCAA tourna- ing your TV off-limits when the Michi- Detroit high schools. Since Al Sharpton, dinner table bragging rights for the year. ment for 16 consecutive seasons and has gan-OSU game is on. Jesse Jackson, and other demagogues are OSU is another matter altogether. finished in the top three of the CCHA a fixture at these rallies, these days would To put it simply, the UM-MSU for the past 16 straight years, 15 of which Parties be a good time to avoid the Diag. As a rivalry is like a rivalry that you have with were second or first place finishes. While rule of thumb, any time that you can hear your younger brother. They want to beat many freshmen overlook this portion of Yes, girls; that frat boy really does want a megaphone when you are 150 yards you so bad, but they can’t unless you let Michigan athletics, the pure adrenaline you to have another drink and hopes that from the Grad Library, you should take them or they get lucky. Instead, you let in Yost makes it an excellent pick-me- your stay at Michigan is a great one. How a wide detour. Scratch that. Just avoid them get close to their goal, and then up after disappointments in basketball or could you think that such a sweet gesture the Diag entirely if you don’t want to get snatch the prize away at the last instant all football. would have any ominous tones to it? jumped by environmentalists, commu- the while wishing them better luck next nists, and MSA candidates shoving pieces time. The UM-OSU rivalry is more like Campus Groups Let us here at the Review be the first to of paper in your face. the animosity that develops when a low- welcome you here to campus. Don’t life wants to steal your girlfriend. Any While in high school you could get away get too smashed during Welcome Week, The Harmonica Player in front of the chance you get, you beat up on the guy to with not joining any groups and still have where attendance is highly recommend- UGLI . . . keep him as far away as you can from her. a good network of friends, that isn’t going ed, and try not to sleep through too many Sometimes he beats you, but that doesn’t to fly here. The campus is so large that it classes. Whatever you do, now you know is not homeless, has a PhD in biochem- change the fact that he’s scum. Keep that is easy to get lost in the crowd. Luckily, how not to look like a total freshman istry, and is a Senior Lab Specialist in in mind at every football game and you there are frats, organizations, club sports, while you do it. MR the Department of Cellular, Molecular should be fine. and research projects that will let you the michigan review Page 12 Ann Arbor Summer 2006 Sweet Home Ann Arbor A Guide to the New Place You Call ‘Home’

By Amanda Nichols, ‘08 stars, and show off your hidden existen- the museums are worthwhile, and a re- features about 300 concerts yearly. While elcome home! Strange tial depth that got you to Ann Arbor in freshing change of pace from the typi- The Ark is popular with an older, bluesy Wto hear, huh? Ann Arbor doesn’t the first place. cal undergrad bar crawls from Skeeps set, the Blind Pig is where the young, local feel like home yet, but here is where Looking for something that’s a to Necto and to Touchdowns. Another bands most often make their debut. Tally you’ll spend at least eight of every twelve bit more indoors? Then trek to one of great museum that’s neither free nor on- Hall, an Ann Arbor group recently fea- months for at least the next four years. Ann Arbor’s movie palaces and theaters. campus is the Ann Arbor Hands-On Mu- tured on The OC, often plays at the Blind Perhaps it will never feel like home; af- The Michigan Theater, built in 1928, is seum. Popular with families and college Pig. Although it’s a hike from campus— ter all, Markley’s cinderblock walls aren’t located on East Liberty at State St., and students alike, this attraction at Ann and the theater’s beyond Main St., on First—a exactly warm and comforting. Because is probably the most popular theater on Fourth Streets is a welcome respite for trip to the Blind Pig and its neighbor the Ann Arbor may be relatively close to campus. A virtual palace for indepen- the young at heart; after all, who wouldn’t Cavern Club is worth the walk, if only to where your parents live, or from where dent films and concerts, the Michigan has enjoy standing in the giant soap bubble? get away from campus and into the city you graduated high school, it’s easy to slip been restored to its original condition. When you’re studying Orgo or Calc, the for a little while. home every now and then; however, try Watching a film or taking in a show here Hands-On Museum and its cheery, child- Not into the music or artsy to avoid this if possible—the sooner you is a unique experience—it feels as though friendly atmosphere will look immensely scene? Well, this Big 10 bastion of athlet- settle in here, the more you can appreciate you’re back in the golden age of cinema. appealing. ics has one of the premier fan venues in what the city has to offer (for tips on how The seats are not the epitome of comfort, U of M’s cultural scene doesn’t the nation: Yost Ice Arena. Named for to avoid a Monday-Thursday residence in and you may knock knees with those next end there, though. Just as the Michigan Fielding Yost, a legendary football coach Ann Arbor, see Mike O’Brien’s “Break to you, but the lack of legroom is a sacri- Theater has been restored to its former and athletic director, “the barn,” as it is Up With Your Sweetheart Now—Or fice one can make for a blast-from-the- glory, Hill Auditorium underwent a major affectionately called, is home to U of M’s Later”). After all, there’s probably more past cinematic experience. renovation from 2002 to 2004. The larg- ice hockey teams. Fans at Yost are leg- to do here than at home anyway—in fact, Just down the street from the est performance venue at the University, endary for their raucous and borderline on an average afternoon, there’s more go- Michigan Theater is the State Theater, Hill is truly a great place to see a concert. crude behavior, most famously seen in ing on in the Diag than on a New York c a m p u s ’ s All sorts of the “CYA” chant (consisting of the vul- City street corner. other movie p e r f o r m - garities the Athletic Department allowed Since this is your new home- house. At e r s — f r o m the fans to scream at opposing players town, you should know what to call it. the junction the New entering the penalty box). Being at Yost Most commonly dubbed “A2”—even the of State St. York Phil- is an entirely unique experience—neither United States Postal Service recognizes and East harmonic to attending an NHL game nor any other this as Ann Arbor—the city also goes by Liberty, the the Grate- Michigan sporting event, including foot- Ace Deuce and the Deuce, or A^2. Don’t State is home ful Dead to, ball, rivals being in Yost. The hockey be surprised to hear Annarbour or Ann’s to midnight most recent- band’s energy matches the crowd’s enthu- Arbor as well, but contrary to popular ur- m o v i e s ly, Ludac- siasm, and look for the director to disco ban legend, the founder was not a polyga- throughout ris—come to dance on command. Although the Big mist (there were two wives named Ann, the semes- the auditori- House is legendary, Yost is the true must- but they were married to different men). ter. By far, um renowned attend while at U of M—you’ll never be Treetown is also a popular nickname, and the most for its amaz- anywhere like it again. in fact, the city’s natural beauty immor- popular is From up here, the hippies look like ants. ing acoustics, There is one other must-do talized by its founders is now one of its the Rocky so there’s a lit- while at the “U”—tea at the Martha Cook prime attractions. On North Campus, Horror Picture Show, shown every year tle something for everyone. Many events, Building. Dubbed “the virgin vault,” there’s the wave field, designed by Maya around Halloween… and what an experi- and specifically those through the Uni- Martha Cook is the all-female residence Lin, architect of the national Vietnam ence this is. If you’ve never seen the mov- versity Musical Society, offer extremely hall next to the Law Quad. The building War Memorial in Washington, DC; only ie or the stage version, I’d recommend inexpensive student tickets, many at $10 is beautiful, inside and out, and on Friday a bus ride away for those on central cam- watching it before lining the sidewalk in or less. Don’t just go to Hill for Honors afternoons, they host weekly tea. Once pus and a quick walk from Bursley and your fishnets and bustier—the crowd Convocation or Commencement—these a year the building is open to the public, Baits, this field is a place to sled in the sings the songs, yells at the screens, and events don’t do the theater and its acous- but cozy up to a Cookie, as the residents winter. Not sure what sledding is? You’ll gabs throughout this midnight showing, tics justice. call themselves, and get in on another see soon enough. and there’s no way to understand what The Power Center, another per- Friday—the public tea is a zoo. From Then there is, of course, the Frankenfurter and company are saying formance venue on the edge of Central personal experience, I’d recommend go- Nichols Arboretum, more commonly as they prance around half-naked. A cult Campus, will be the center of much ac- ing just before Winter Break—then, the dubbed “the Arb.” Just a stone’s throw classic film of our parents’ generation, tivity this fall when Britain’s Royal Shake- food is the best, and you can sit in the or- from Markley, this 123-acre plot of land attending this show is an indescribable speare Company returns to campus for a nately-furnished rooms while munching borders Geddes, the Forest Hills Cem- experience and a must-do while in A2. three-week residency. The cast includes on fondue, fresh fruit, brie, and tea. This etery on Observatory, and Washington Wearing a costume earns you extra props Patrick Stewart, everyone’s favorite Trek- is definitely an experience your friends at Heights. Here, you’ll find artists, writ- from the crowd, and the more ridiculous kie (or perhaps second-favorite, after Wil- State, Central, and Western won’t have, ers, runners, Ultimate Frisbee players, you look, the more you’ll fit in. liam Shatner), and promises to be a com- and you’ll get to experience the best of professors and their brainiac children, Looking for something a bit pletely unique experience—in fact, U of Martha Cook without actually having to and of course, the occasional bum. In an more cultured than Rocky Horror? Ven- M is the sole venue for the RSC’s recently reside there. otherwise urban campus, the Arb is a re- ture to one of the many museums on announced “Complete Works Festival.” So take advantage of these freshing and peaceful diversion; here, you campus. Again, this is a good date— If you can get your hands on tickets, ab- things while you’re here at Michigan— can avoid one-way streets and jaywalking you’ll look cultured, and admission for solutely go—this is a must-do while at the you won’t be able to experience it any- pedestrians, the eerie glow of your com- students is free. The U of M Museum “U,” and the opportunity may never again where else, and you won’t regret it. Be- puter screen, and the otherwise unavoid- of Art and the Ruthven Exhibit Museum arise. sides, there will still be plenty of time to able ringing of your roommate’s instant of Natural History are the easy choices, A much more low-key and re- take advantage of what Michigan Greek messages. The Arb is also a prime place but don’t forget about the Gordon H. laxed set of concert venues lies around Life has to offer. MR for a cheap, yet romantic, date. Take your Sindecuse Museum of Dentistry; doesn’t Main Street. The Ark, located at Main Friday night hook-up there to look at the that just scream hot date? Really, though, near Liberty, is a popular folk venue that the michigan review Page 13 Summer 2006 A (Legal) Six Pack (of Tips) for New Students Some Advice for Our Newest Out-of-State Students

but some of it is because this town seems to attract the By Chris Stieber, ‘09 2. Michigan can be beautiful. Especially in autumn, Left. If you walk around with hammer-and-sickle sym- Ann Arbor is absolutely stunning. The change of sea- bol on your shirt, you won’t receive much reaction at all, Admission letter? Check. son, the explosive foliage change, all of it makes for a perhaps even some smiles of support and admiration. truly a pretty town. I know that there are quite a few Wear a “God Bless America” shirt, or worse, a piece of First tuition payment? Check students whose only experience in the state is the drive Bush-Cheney clothing, and you’ll get glares of self-righ- . from Detroit-Wayne Airport to campus. They’re miss- teous indignation and disgust. Season football ticket? Check ing out. There are millions of people enjoying the beau- tiful scenery, and U of M students shouldn’t be exclud- 6. The politics of the student body, however, aren’t ed. Everyone should head out with an in-state student While there is a very vocal Michigan sweatshirt? Check. nearly as left-leaning. for a weekend to see other parts of the state, especially student activist population, there are also quite a few the middle and western regions. moderates and conservatives on campus. Take, for Campus tour? Check. example, the anti-Coke hilarity last semester. A small 3. You will eventually get used to the aggravat- group of students managed to push the administration et me begin by telling the story of how I came to ing Midwestern accent. One of the more shocking into temporarily canceling the university contract with attend dear old Michigan. You see, I began college L changes for me was the Michigan voice, the harshness Coca-Cola. They bragged of the “progressiveness” of out at Pepperdine University in sunny Malibu, CA, where of some of the vowels, the vague hints of a Canadian the campus for taking such sanctions against perceived I attended classes a stone’s throw away from the beach, accent running through their speeches. Frankly, I found injustices, but they were wrong. Nearly everyone I amongst glamorous movie stars’ homes. I had a blast: it so strange that it almost became a detractor in meeting talked with about the ban felt resentful of their drink- small classes, fun friends, a radio show, and I worked at people. I’d hear someone say something like “I yew- ing rights being taken away. The engineering school, the 2004 Grammy awards (probably my only brush with sed to play haahkee with my dayaahd”, and it would the business school, the economics department—there fame). After an exhilarating freshman year, I took a take all the strength I had not to just walk away. The are plenty of places where conservatives lurk and spend semester off and worked at the national headquarters for their years in relative silence, letting their left-wing peers (cue Darth Vader music) Bush-Cheney ‘04. While I was do all the whining. There is also the problem of “liberal there, I started wondering if a beach college on the west sanctuary”, where liberal kids from “red-state” areas flee coast was the ideal place for me if I wanted to get into to Ann Arbor for safety. I’ve met quite a few kids from politics. The most common response I received when I “It’s helpful to keep in mind that places like Birmingham, AL, Colorado Springs, and told someone where I went to college was, “Pepperdine. what you read or hear is not all Salt Lake City who came to U of M because they “just Isn’t that a flavor of gum or something?” After a few weren’t understood” by the conservative rubes in their of those moments, I decided to look into transferring that the school has to offer, and hometown. They artificially inflate the liberal quotient schools. I knew, or thought I knew, I wanted a larger of the student body as well. Michigan is a battleground school with a football program and some fun places to if a few more people took this ad- state, and the campus population reflects it. Don’t let hang out off campus. I applied to some schools, and the vice, we’d be better off as a school anyone tell you otherwise. ultimate decision came: University of Texas at Austin or U of M. UT was the flagship public school in my home and as a community.” These are just a selection of the lessons I’ve learned in state, I had been to Austin dozens of times, I knew the the short few years I’ve been here. I didn’t touch on weather and the culture would fit me perfectly. On the the Michigan football fans (some of the whiniest in the other hand, I had never been in the state of Michigan country, I believe), or the cool culture (every cool low- in my life, the only facts I “knew” were that Detroit strangeness of the accent fades away within a few weeks budget film comes through town), or the glory that is was the scariest city in the world besides Mogadishu, though. In fact, I’ve even seen some out-of-state people Backroom Pizza (corner of South U and Church, open and Michigan was the home of two of my least favorite pick up bits of a Michigan accent in just a few months until 3 a.m.). Discovering these things, though, is half sports teams: the Pistons and the Red Wings. Obvious of exposure, dropping inanities like “Geez-o-Pete!” into the fun of college. In the following months, when the choice, right? their vocabulary. campus is abuzz with MCRI and affirmative action de- Of course, I chose Michigan. That’s right: bate and the Congressional races, it’s helpful to keep in I matriculated to Ann Arbor without ever visiting the 4. Detroit, contrary to popular belief (including my mind that what you read or hear is not all that the school state of Michigan. The change from Malibu to Michigan own), is not completely bad. After several visits into has to offer, and if a few more people took this advice, was extreme, all my classes were 20 times larger than the city and some of the suburbs, I found out that there we’d be better off as a school and as a community. any class I’d taken at Pepperdine, but I’ve learned quite are some nice neighborhoods and some places I wouldn’t a bit about the Wolverine State, too. Here are a few of mind visiting. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can go Oh yeah, I almost forgot: the lessons I’ve learned. Some of them are obvious to traipsing through any part of the city whenever you like. Michiganders, but I think they’ll be of help to those na- There are still plenty of places that I wouldn’t dare tread, 7. The Ohio State University and it’s corruption-ad- ive out-of-staters as the acclimatize to campus. and for good reason. The city has violent crime, poverty, dled Prison Gang, err, I mean, football team are as and political and bureaucratic corruption. But, really, despicable as you can imagine. Go Blue! MR The first winter I was 1. Michigan’s weather is fickle. what big city doesn’t? Don’t believe the hype in either here, there was snow on the ground from the begin- direction: it’s not a modern day “Gangs of New York,” nor ning of January through Easter weekend. Last winter, is is a misunderstood “Pleasantville.” however, there was hardly any snow the entire semes- ter. Don’t plan on a specific form of weather. Is there 5. The politics of Ann Arbor are as wacky as adver- anything constant? Yes: it is really, really, really, cold. tised. The residents of the town are absolutely as far to Unless you are from a similar climate, such as Buffalo, the left as you can imagine. Now, some of that is due NY or Ulan Bator, Mongolia, the coldness of winter can to the overpopulation of recovering Marxist professors, be shocking. the michigan review Page 14 The Little Things Summer 2006 Facebook Etiquette By Karen Boore, ‘09 thermore, pictures of your wild Thursday night parties your group membership is all over the place. acebook is a great way to stay in touch will not boost your coolness factor. Unless the pictures DO leave posts on others’ walls. Writing them Fwith old friends as well as scope out new classmates. are still hilarious in the sober state, use better judgment is fun and getting them is a treat. However, DON’T Yet, as with any social interaction, there are some rules and keep them on your digital camera. participate in wall chain letters. No one liked them when of etiquette to keep in mind if you want your Facebook DO post the appropriate pictures in your they were in e-mail form, and no one likes them now. experience to go smoothly. These guidelines are borne photo album of the fun times you are having at U of Second, DO feel free to leave intriguing posts like “I had out of common sense, and will avoid sending the wrong M. Friends enjoy taking a stroll down memory lane, and a great time last night” to let others know that you and message to those who look you up. people who do not have the social life that you have en- the recipient of the message are tight—the more mys- DO put a picture up. If no one put up a pic- joy living vicariously through your’s. However, DON’T terious, the better. Thirdly, leave the class assignments ture, Facebook would not exist. If someone is somewhat post every single picture that you take. No one needs to and meeting times for messages. You do not want to uncertain of your name, a picture will clear all doubt. see the picture where you blinked and its twin where you taint the wall with stressful schoolwork. Finally, DO However, selectivity is key. Your picture should accu- didn’t blink, but your friend did. Further, we simply do respond promptly to all messages. Everyone knows you rately represent you, with no pictures Photoshopped not have enough time to look through all of them before check Facebook about as often as you do your Umich e- into deceiving attractiveness. Avoid having multiple class; so again, be selective. mail account (maybe more), so respond to the message people in your picture; if friends are in your picture, you DO join groups that reflect your interests. already. shouldn’t be the one on the outskirts—at least center From TV shows you love to the beverages you drink, Poking still remains an awkward practice. yourself. Besides, everyone will know that if there are there really is no limit to the types of groups you can Among sets of friends, proper poking behavior can be two really hot people and one not-so-hot person, the join. If you have an interest that has not sparked the determined, but no rules govern poking strangers. One not-so-hot person is you. You’re fooling no one. creation of a group yet, create a group. However, be should poke if interested, but if poked, reciprocation is DON’T use any pictures that too accurately careful. Don’t start a group for just any interest you unnecessary. Repeated poking is just as obnoxious as represent you and can prematurely compromise your have. If you create or join a new group and later find physically doing so in real life, so please refrain. reputation. Remember, your picture is visible to the that only one other person is in it with you, you must By following these simple rules you can domi- whole Michigan network. It is not difficult for DPS, abandon ship even if you did create it. Also, DON’T nate Facebook. However, it is important to note that alumni, and potential employers to see your Facebook join just any group that you have ever shared an inter- while Facebook offers yet another way to meet and get profile. You would not want to draw negative attention est with. We’re never going to know who you really to know people, it cannot measure up to real live social by posting compromising pictures on Facebook. Fur- are—especially since we barely know you in reality—if interaction. MR ‘Welcome’ to Michigan There’s More Than the Cliche to Your First Weekend at School

By Danielle Putnam, ‘08 men as you walk down the street. portunity to get to know more people in exactly what you’re looking for and don’t So what is there to do dur- a healthy, non-drunken state. In other be afraid to ask someone for help. The OU GRADUATED HIGH school ing Welcome Weekend? For starters, words, listen to your RA when he or she sales staffs are friendly and are ready and Ythis past spring, you enrolled at there’s the roommate. Often times you advises you to leave your door open or willing to help. And remember, bring a the University of Michigan shortly after won’t have spoken much before moving to wander into someone else’s room just big enough bag to cart the several hun- you received your acceptance letter, and in, other than call- to say hi–chances dred pounds of books you bought back you’ve just recently moved into the room ing or emailing each are they want to your dorm room. that will become your home for the next other about who is to do the same Another bit of information: year. Now, college really begins. You’ve bringing what items thing. Network- part of Welcome Weekend involves the heard about it and waited all summer for for the room. This ing is an integral Big House. For many students, the first this event known as Welcome Week- is your first oppor- part of the col- football game is the official kickoff for end. It will be your first experience as tunity for making a lege experience, the school year. However, freshmen are a real college student. No parents. No new friend and ex- and what better often lost as far as traditions and attire classes—just yet. Frat parties. Drinking. panding your hori- time to start than go. So in order to fit in at the Big House, Dancing. That’s what it’s all about, right? zons. Although you Welcome Week- make sure you wear the right outfit—as Not necessarily. may not have a lot end before classes much blue and maize as you own. And Contrary to popular belief, in common—maybe kick into high don’t forget to snatch one of those yel- there is much more to your first weekend she plans on going gear? low pom pons on your way in. Also, at the University other than ensuring you to the library every S p e a k i n g make sure you grab some sort of keys make an appearance at the best fraternity weekend and you, of which, we all and wear a hat for the crowd cheers and party on campus. Although spending well, don’t—it is not know that college traditions. two hours getting gussied up, finding a the end of the world, is the ultimate All in all, there is a lot more to group of at least six wing men, spending and definitely do not lifestyle minus Welcome Weekend other than partying. another half hour looking for the party, let it be. You are go- those pesky class- By all means, don’t spend the weekend finally arriving, being served the best ing to be seeing this es. However, at the Grad or the Ugli to get a head start watered down beer there is to offer, and person every day we’re all here to on studying. Please, don’t get caught in shoved into a room full of sweaty, smelly for the next eight Don’t let this be you during get a better edu- the freshmen trap of limiting yourself to people does sound rather inviting, take a months. If anything, cation, which does certain aspects of this campus. Take it all welcome week. minute to ponder what else this beauti- friendlier is better. actually involve go- in and use it all to your advantage- that’s ful, cultured campus and city has to offer. You never know-this person could be ing to class. And what goes along with what it’s here for. Your four years will be But please, if you do plan on attending your new best friend. classes, but books? There are many op- up soon enough, so make sure you enjoy the all-too-monotonous fraternity party, Not only do you now have to tions for buying books: Shaman Drum, them, and remember what you did your have no more than three others in your share a room with someone else, you Michigan Book and Supply, the Michigan first weekend at the University of Michi- group to avoid the “Freshmen!” shout must also share your common rooms Union Bookstore, Ulrich’s, online, or gan. MR and pointing from various upper-class- with your hall-mates. This is another op- through friends. Make sure you know the michigan review Page 15 Advertisements Summer 2006 You’re Invited to the Best Party on Campus University of Michigan College Republicans Mass Meeting Thurs. September 7, 2006 7 PM Koessler Room of the Michigan League www.umich.edu/~umcr

Like what you see here?

Visit our ‘Day in C.THE CAUCUS FORC. CONSERVATIVE A. ACTION Review’ blog this summer for news and views on campus events www.michiganreview.com

Care to join us? JOIN THE VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY ON CAMPUS! email: EMAIL US AT: [email protected] [email protected] the michigan review Page 16 Join the Review! Summer 2006 MRMR25 25 The Michigan Review celebrates its 25th anniversary this coming year. Interested in writing, journalism, politics, or campus affairs? How about selling advertisements, website building, or graphic design? We have many positions available. Join the tradition! Email us for information: [email protected] Mass meetings: Monday, September 4, 7pm Monday, September 11, 7pm Room 351 of the Michigan League