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Current (2000s) Student Newspapers

4-3-2000

Stagnant April 3, 2000

University of Missouri-St. Louis

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This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2000s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. VOLUME - HxWxL April 3, 200

; ISSUE 986 or so

In this issue: Performing Arts Center collapses Alien helps ice hockey team soar

Disaster struck the grand opening of the The DUMSL hockey team has benefited DUMSL Performing Arts Center when the new addition Igor Ghtlkslnvfrds. He came noise-vibrations from a plane flying over the to the U.S. from the country Xtlymp with buHding caused the structure to collapse. no more than his skates and hockey stick. See page 4 See page 9 ·versity SlNa s ci yol 0 a dy • t . .Loui s c ona d's fra C I e

BY SQUEEGIE MAN University assimilated several years ago. in a sing-song voice. "StUdents from Ron D. Drayrehired and McDonald's ~ w,. ~,. , v " '" .. ,...... ~ ...... , _ ...... , ...... mercenary-in-chief ''This · was really a no-brainer," near and far will come here for the deep executive Ronald McDonald ensued. Newhill said. "When Chondra, my invis­ real-world experience we are going to brayrehired was eventually able to break In a land swap that has flabbergasted ible sea horse, suggested the idea, I knew offer." McDonald's concentration by stepping DUMSL students, regional leaders, it was_perfect" Newhill said that negotiations had on his overly-large feet. prominent businessmen, and J anit~r Newhill explained that by adding the been . going on for several years, but Asked whether she would miss the Bob, DUMSL has acquired property that McDonald's locations to its stable of things came to a head one week ago, city of Normandy, Newhill hesitated. will allow it to add a spectacular new restaurants, including Wendy's and other "I laid down the law," she said. "I told "I've always had a special place in my educational program. local. eateries, the University will now be them that if we couldn't settle our differ­ heart for that city," she sniffed, as she Chancellor Branch Newhill proudly ab]e to o~er a Bachelor of Fast Food pro­ ences civilly, we'd have to do it the old­ pulled out an eye dropper and squeezed announced March 29 that the University gram. fashioned way." it to make water drops run down her has acquired all the McDonald's fran­ "No university in the state will be able A marathon IS-hour arm-wrestling cheeks. ''But, oh well. All good things chises in the St Louis area in exchange to compete with our BFF," Newhill said match between deputy to the chancellor must come to an end, you know." for city of Normandy, which the Brain Poo editors awa..... selves b· 9 award

Solution of crack, paint chips, yellolu liqUid El. pariodico mas arrogante del Laclede Gassy Honors College cited as key to rag's cutting-edge humor Presidential Hopeful ess Bori g Than BY TOM ATO we've all had our fill- or the pets break O<,,·"·< · 'dd · ~i;;;t ·' 81n ·"·< ·"·.. ··..· '·.... "·" .. .. ·.... ·.. '·"·'··· .. ····· ...... free - we get out our crayons and write Area Honors College down everything that comes to our The editors of The Brain Poo, oddly misshapen heads. Before you newsletter for the Laclede Gassy Honors roual\ ala by Youn; Truly know it, another issue of The Brain Poo College student association, decided to Al Snore, candida.ie fur the presidellcy, recently visited DUNL~ as part o f is complete, and we can go back to our award themselves Funny Publication of his indoctnOlltion ·crunpaign. Mr. SnOl'': had phuuwd to lir ·_~ ak at the- Samuel daily jobs of annoying the piss out of Oemens Gym. but pl3115 chanbrcd. the Year for the 1999-2000 school year people." One of Snore';; 'ad\'auced.reconnai'\sance team' vis ited D ' 15L In pe out at a recent event held in the main hall of tl\l..~ C.lll1pllS. Uput visiting til.;> La.: lede Ga&sy H 1 rs Co U·'g-e. they realized 1. Like Power, bitch editor of The the Honors College. trey bad a lXltential n1<.~a bounnza on their hand ~. Poo, had several heart-felt comments to 'We at The Brain Poo have a tried and 'lcJOt..,~\IH\I. }~'h~t made! the Gas5-)' .Honors.COl lege so gr at W8 iL'l ~ pidil Y ." said Bill make about the publication. "Yeah, Wlilla.ms. Snore t~mpa!gn adYlser. ''\ m"an lha place ~ full f pe pie who true metho.d to putting out each issue," wed LO f'e(.' all who the 7. pedophilia on hi gh . ''Unfortunately, they'rt? not usually used ho:ck Snore was and what I1t! come of the paper. ''But damned if ibis voll999-20CX) f I Apri12()(X)i yes 11 in the manner for which they were orig­ had LO do ·w ith DU!YtsL 8. the marrow isn't our favorite step," he said. (conf'd page 5 j inally intended," Biscuit said. ''Finally,'' Biscuit explained, "after Page 3 I goes hro 6 presi ents in

BY DAVEY BOOGER further problems with the assembly during an requiring the interim vice-president to act as discovered that he was not a student. · ·st;4./;~ :;·~:t~;,.··· " ...... ·.. ·····.. .. ···"····"'············· abortive attempt to appoint his "invisible friend president, or · the questionable 1996 bylaws "Butl know 'Chantilly Lace!'" he said as he Bob" as SGA comptroller. requiring the acting interim president to act as was dragged from the room. After a tumultuous year, the. Student "1 think the students deserve a comptroller temporary interim acting president or the The assembly then elected Nick Zitmeyer, Government Assembly ended its session they can actually see," said SGA chair 1. Like recently discovered 1998 bylaws requiring the an undecided freshman in his eighth year at Friday \vith the appointment and subsequent Power, who then prompted a lengthy debate acting president to dress in drag and sing DUMSL. In an exclusive interview \-vith the rem val of . SGA sidents dUIing one over whether the assembly should operate "Chantilly Lace." Stagnant, he shared his feelings. unde-r the ill puted 1994 bylaws which express.­ Roland was then in1peached during a bath­ 'Oh, man, so 1 told them, like dude," ly prohibit figments of one" im ginatioD from room break. He xpressed eli appointment. Zitmeyer recalled, while staring dreamily at the holding SGA administrati e offic . "J was only gone five frakin' minute .." he wall. "And they ere, like, . ou're pre. ident Cordell ailed for o~der and anTIoun ed th t t ld he a sembly. ' Jeez. a guy's gotta pee man, and like. I'm like, no way and they're. "Bo ., would peak [or himself. The president ornetime." like, es way. and I'm like nuh-ub, and they're then stood off to the . ·de. periodically nodding Roland was D' Uowed t the a ting tempo­ alL lik yeah. man, and I'm all no. dude and in approval at th mpty podium durin the rary interim po t b Terren e Fi hkill, s nior the 're ali like .. ." ensuing ix minute f dead silenc . dialectic tudie major. Ganick Fortran, a Zitmey r was impea hed on a voice vote. "I h pe that lears up an que tions: he JUillor computer i nee maj r, and Bamey Calling his removal "a way unco 1 bum­ told the tunned embl , when he retook the \Vright, a janitor who happened to b in the mer" Zitmeyer reluctantly stepped aside in fl 1: " peciall., from you!" he added, appar­ room at the time. favor of Biff Studman, who was elected on the utl addre ' ing an arby v nding machine. "1 just walked in and said I v as there to promise of free beer at his fratemity house a.tid Bob \ as una ailable- for comment, because clean the place up and - ban1 - they elected me ' to please not have anymore SGA meetings. h \ :1, . ,according to Cordell, "sleeping now." Wright said 'TOGA ! TOGA! TOGA! " he told the R land. a sophomore in dance gymnastics, Wright was quickly removed when it w~ assembly in his victory speech. v . then named to the post, whereupon he immediatel alled for order, introducing a res­ oluti n asking the as. mbly's many factions "to rurree t disa ~ee.'· Unfo~ately. Roland's m . ure £ 11 victim to a semanti disagreement am ng members over \xlhether the embly 'hould foIl w the contra ersial 1992 byla Gatfie eleded pre ident of Imprudent Senator Association

BY D. MIKE DOUG,LAS "There were flyers everywhere:- Frankenfurter said, "If you missed them., how could ou not see the billboards, much less the neon signs and the skywriting?" Although Garfield's candidacy was initial­ ly dismissed as a hoax, it was later discovered that there is indeed a Garfield D. Katt enrolled in cla: ses this :-emester. !vir. Katt is enrolled in the gra uate level urban studies program, with an emphasis in fcline literature. Shortly after the election, an appeal was filed with the Student Court, contesting Katt's eligibility to erve as ISA president. The basis f the appeal v as an assertion that Katt's inability to _peak English would hinder his effi ti en as Pre ident. Eggplant rejected the appeal on the grounds that there was no preced nt for denying anyone's candidacy on the basi of a language requirement. "We', got professors who can't speak lections, the English. and that hasn't been a problem for the ~ate , so 1 really don't see what the big deal mm nts L- ,. Eggplant aid. . th onl r Kat! t ld the Stagnant in a letter that his ini­ tial p]ans included demanding free parking for all tudents and getting I gna included on th m nu t both the C ve and the nd I1UOund. Th; is ue f Katt's election as president w nullified last Thursday when the Senate ted to eliminate all students from the Uni ~ty. Page 4 April 3, 2000

C'hancellor hosts Fudd retirement kegger

BY J. WAYNE, HARRIS ...... ·····.. ·'····"··'···.. .. Str(/ki;;;·~hi'~j ...... ·.... ···'·"·

On Tuesday, DUMSLTChancellor Branch Newhill announced that she will be throwing a retirement party for. departing professor of Tasmanian political dynasties Denny Fudd. "It'll be a bitchin' kegger," Newhill aid. ''I'm Qot talking just one keg, I'm talking three or four kegs. Students are invited too. Of course, they have to be of legal drinking age unles. they have a good fake ID."' The announcement can1e as a surpris . on­ Mr; Wide Angle! Tbe SJagnallt sidering Fudd strongly opposed everything the chancellor did and got the Faulty Council t Airplane nojse caused the brand new Performing Arts Center to collapse. Four people attended the PAC's fune~1 sev­ eral days later. The PAC's casket and burial cost the University approximate $5 billion. give her a vote of "no confidence" because c he ordered tuna for lunch. The differences seemed to end naturally when Fudd agreed to retire as part of DUM L' Please. Retire Early So We Can Further Diminish Our Students QUality of Education, or see er PRESWCFDOSQE. After taking the nive. ity up on its offer. Fudd pro.mptly found a better­ paying job at a better university while b till collectiI;lg his retirement benefits from DUMSL. Newbill said she has put her personal assi ' ­ tant, Robert Smithers. in 'harge of the party entertainment. Smithe.rs the director of DUMSL Corrununications and Propaganda, said he has the situation under control. '1 was thinking we could capiL.1.1ize off f the momentum from the Elton John impe onator we had 0 er Welcome Week.·' Smith rs sai . ''That went 0 er re.al good, I went ut and bought the be t Spice Girls imp rson tors BY DARIA lapse. cems had been well-founded. money can buy." · ·· · · ·· · ·· ···· · · · · ··· · ····~wnaii~;gT);;diY···· · - ·· · ····· ··· ...... The $900 bajillion Performing Arts Center "Nyah, nyah, nyah," Shorts said. 'Told The party i, n t without om n \·er:). had been the controversial pet project of you so." howeve.r. Fudd has mandated that student sena­ Disaster struck the grand Of1ening of the DUMSL Chancellor Branch Newhill. The The building's contractor, Vmnie's Live tors get an equal am unt if keg stand_ as th DUMSL Performing Arts Center when the construction of the center had raised the ire of Bait and Performing Arts Centers, Inc., could faculty enators. noise vibrations from a plane flying over the many faculty members. They contended that not be reached for comment '1t my pat:ty and I can do what I want to: ' building caused the structure to collapse. the building's funding, which was raised Newhill had been so enthusiastic about the Fudd said. The collapse occurred at approximately through a series of car washes and bake sales, opening of the Performing Arts Center that Fellow facul nator, Gaila T m __ con- 7:30 p.m. CST (8:30 EST, 5:30 PST, 1:30 could have been better spent she had cast herself in "Grease" as Rizzo. She cemed' Ratlip. disagreed. Himalayan Goat Tlille) during an inaugural "Why did Newhill have .to spend money was about to sing ''Look at Me, I'm Sandra 1£ you let e n ne tudent . nator ha\'~ a perlormance of the musical "Grease," subti­ on a pointless Performing Arts Center when Dee" when the collapse occurred. keg . tand. then th '11 all want keg . tan~ · ." tled "The Musical We Went to Great Lengths she could have used the money to fund my Several hours after the accident, Newhill Ratlip _.aid. '1t w uld a disp portiUJlUle to Keep Students From Performing In." The pointless research project on platypus dung?" was found curled up in a fetal position in a amount f repr tati n ~ r the tuden~." 500 patrons in attendance, many of whom said Joel Makemeitch, professor of biological comer of her office. Buff 'S n ~ B r had fallen asleep during the performance due excrement, in a 1998 interview. "It didn't really happen, did it? No .it w PiLambda. Ke fra to sheer boredom, were aroused from their Those same faculty detractors said the just a dream, wasn't it, M:ouuny', Mommy " there. Pi Lambda K slUmber when the en~e noise from a plane building's collapse proved their contention Newbill said. flying overhead caused the building to begin that the center was a waste of money. In the days following the accident:. vibrating. The building collapsed into a pile of "Hahahahahahahahahaha This just kills Newhill managed to pull herself together and rubble seconds later. me. Hahahahahahaha," said Denny Fudd, devise a plan for the future of the Perl !l1Ui.ug Miraculously, no one was injured in the professor of Tasmanian political dynasties. Arts Center. Rather than rebuild. ev/hill ' collapse, although the ac.cident left many the­ Another professor, Alvin Shorts, had marketing the mbble of the enter Jr ater-goers shaken. argued that airplane noise from planes taking tuTe entitled "Sp . ·c Ban "Damn! Did you see the way that sucker off from nearby Lambert Field would leak Chancell if i charging am p tr went down? That was even better than the through the structure, which was cons1:(Ucted to vie the· rk f art." Arena implosion!" said Arik Spiritedass, who \'Vith plywood and Krazy Glue. 00 this ory didn' t tak: up had been in the audienc.e at the time of the col- Shorts said he felt vindicated that his con- welljust dd a fi w lin 1be Stagnant Why the heck do you care what page this is? OR BRANCHELLO ws ewhill shows off well-endowed professorships Some faculty urge Chancellor to use fiscal abstinence

BY DAVEY BOOGER ''It's important to have many, many part­ "This campus is being pushed harder and .. ·· ······ ···· "· · · ···· · · ·~;;;~·-;.ii:;;g.. b;;;jiy· ········.. ·'··· ...... ners in a project like this," she sai~ giggling faster, and harder and faster to fiscal min." slightly. Johnson also noted that those with small­ Chancellor Branch Newhill announced Newhill said she was proud of the new er grants might be discriminated against if the formation of several new "well­ professorships and said they would only well-endowed professors are given all the endowed professorships" Wednesday. help lengthen the campus' ongoing expan­ attention. 'These new well-endowed professors sion effort, perhaps even helping facilitate . . "We're really getting screwed," he will certainly help thnlSt our campus construction projects on campus. added . . towards the Research IT status which we 'They may even help in the erection of He said he was also concerned about have sought for so long," she said the new University Center," Newhill said some academic units being left behin~ She also noted that while the professors But not everyone is in favor of the new while others plunge ahead. would help bring more dollars to the cam­ focus in campus education. ''My unit may be small, but I don't think , the extent of each grant wasn't impor­ 'This irresponsible redirection of campus that's any reason for well-endowed profes­ tant funds could really leave the College of Arts sors to have an advantage," said Johnson. "'The size of the grant itself doesn't mat­ and Crafts fiscally impotent," said Ima Newhill denied that professors with little ter " Newbill said ' ~rrs really how you do Griper, professor of social intercomse. 'This grants will "get the short end of the stick" your research. situation really leaves the campus core pro­ ''I think everybody needs to get a fum She said that the grants would allow pro­ grams hanging out there to dangle in the grip on the hard facts," Newbill said. fessors to "probe research issues more wind" But she noted that much work still need­ deeply and longer than ever before.'~ Others agree with Griper including Hugh ed to be done. TIle Chancellor noted these new posi­ E. Johnson, an associate assistant adjunct "We have to get a consensus before we This monument is one of the better­ tions ere only another example of the professor. move forward," she said ''We want to avoid endowed objects on campus if you get power of partnership. • "TIlis is just a bad id~'~ said Johnson. finishing this project too early." our drift•.••

I PARODY ADVERTISEMENT (No one in their right mind would really make an ad like this) POO "We

Yeah, }Geis, that's right. We tempt you with our station deep in the heart of Mucus Hall. We boast about our first-class facilities. We wave our awards in the air and then pay a sword-swallower to eat them', Makes you comm majors sali­ vate just thinking about it, doesn't it?

Try as hard as you can, boys and girls. Type a resume, wear nice clothes and pull on the door handle as hard as you can, but you better believe we won't be hiring students any time soon. We're too busy tootin' our own horns arid eatin' up time and space and other "resources" from DUMSL. Woo­ hoo, it's a leech's life for us! Bwahahahahaha! Page 6 1be Stagnant The Other Page 6 , OOZE, LOSE, AND CHOCOLATE CHEWS Senate gets rid of es stude 5 'Having students on campus is really quite unnecessary, ' professor says after vote

One of the new photo peoplel 'J11/' Sit/lillani In this dramatic reenactment of the Senate meeting, you can clearly see a period-head and asemi-colol"list getting ready to fight on top of a pool table. A historic day Slenalt ,e ~ n l ea l rly VOiles on sOlmetlhing retal

BY DAVEY BOOGER Stories are conflicting about what hap­ slave-!o-tbe:/oum al pened next but at some point during the 35- minute exchange over the issue someone In a move still sending shock waves moved to bring it to a vote. The motion nar­ through the DUM System, the DUMSL rowly passed. can1pus Senate almost accomplished some­ "I was stunned," said BOling. "We were thing at Tuesday's meeting. only in the middle of our thiro quorum call "It was a close call," said senate chair and our [OlUth motion to table. Then some Genie BueJier. "Somebody moved to vote fruitcake calls for a vote. What the hell?" and it passed' - without petty bickering or While the reasons for the l11otion's pas­ endless points of order. It was kind of louch sage are still not clear, some suspect it and go there for awhile." occurred only after the faculty's numbers Longtjme faculty senator Stodgy were diminished by the absence of mem­ Oldman agreed. bers of the semi-colon faction, some of "I've been in the senate 20 years and 1'vc whom had briefly snuck out of the debate t.o After their expulsion, most students fled campus gleefully, singing "Happy days are here again." Four students, mostly from from the Laclede Gassy Honors never seen it come this close to actually vot­ TP the Chancellor's office. College, remained on campus chanting "We have no lives, we demand equal rlghtsl" The resistors were promptly "Silenced," said one professor. ing on s.omething," Oldman said. "Man, "Just what I'd expect from Ithem," snOlt­ what is this w.orld coming to?" ed Oldman. ''Damn semi..colonists! Can't BY DARIA into two· governing bodies for the next school decided at the Thursday meeting to just do kinds of distractions?" The near-vote came during a typical depend on them at all" managing badly year: The Really Important Senate, made up of away students all together. Another professor, Tim Tenured, echoed . round of parliamentary maneuvering over Fortunately, Jastrn'inute safeguard ptbCe­ faculty members, and The Crap We'd Ratber "Having students on campus is really quite Bikeholding's sentiments, but said he would the issue of what color socks the senate dllfes prevented tbtl 'Vote. But some are stull The University Senate voted last Thursday Not Deal With Senate, made up of students. unnecessary," said Sherman Smitten, professor consider allowing students on campus if they chair should wear when meetings fell on upset by the near catastroQhe. to completely eliminate students from the can1- The former deals with pressing campus con­ of the cultural implications of Post-It notes. would be willing to act as guioea pigs for his even-numbered Tuesdays. Several amend­ "1 am definitely going to talk to the pus of DUMSL beginning next fall. cerns and is comprised of committees suoh as "Besides, they smell funny." research experiments on rare disorders of th.e ments were introduced to the resolution and Bylaws and Rules CommiLtee about this," The vote by the faculty-dominated Senate the Academics Committee, the Research Marv Bikcholding, professor of biological appendix. standard opposing motions were made to Boring said. "How do they expect us to run follows several controversial votes made by Committee, and the Finding Ways to Make the anomalies, said haVing students on campus for "Yeall, I guess I don't mind them helping table each one. Oldman then asked for a legislative body, where any doofus can' Senate members over the past year. Last faU, Chancellor Look Like a Dork Committee. The most of the day interfered with his cIUcial me out, [IS long as they don't mind me messing unanimous consent to i05e[t a period into raise his hand and get OS to vote on some­ . the Senate approved a measure that gave facul­ latter is fonned of student committees such M :research on six·a~ sed monkeys. with their innards," Tenured said. the fifth clause of the second paragraph, thing?" ty members all student parking spaces. Faculty the Goose Poop Removal Committee, the "All day long 1 hear 'Professor, I need help Some students said they planned a swift and prompting a firestortn of debate fTOm others No one also seems to remember who One of the new photo peoplel The StaRnanl senators claimed the move was in the studenL~' Budgeting of Goose Poop Removal with my homework,' 'Professor, I need a letter forceful response to the Senate's vote. Kevin at the meeting. made the motion to vote but many have Though at first glance it appears another day of ultrasuperincredibly-expensive food has best interest, since forcing them to walk sever­ Committee, and the Evaluation of Goose Poop of recommendation,' 'Professor, I smell a gas Kegs, a junior majoring in bongo playing, said "1 felt very strongly it should be a semi­ their suspicions ab.out that a~ well. scared away all the students, there are actually no longer any students to be scared al miles from off-campus parking to class Removal Committee. ·Ieak in the building,' 'Professor, I need the he wouldn't stand for the mew·ure. colon," said Gerry Boring, a full professor "I'll bet you it was a student," said away. Faculty senators pledged to eliminate the Dunderground and expand the Coven would provide students with plenty of exercise. Not content to relegnLe students to the Heimlich maneuver,' " Bikeholding said. "How "Dude, I'm p'laying Nintendo right now," in acoustics. "A period? Ha'! Oldman is Oldman. ''Thank Cod we W01I' t have to into a two-level hot spring bath house and massage parlor. In December, the Senate voted to split itself removal of waterfowl excrement, the Senate am 1 supposed to get any work done with those K e g,~ said. "Lem.rne aIMe.'; nuts." deal with them next yea!'.'" Page 8 1be Stagnant aaas: ~£ Jr,qA BITCHING, MOANING AND COMPLAINI G

IDI1fDRIAL ~ , 1lwStagnant

There are too many geese on campus. I his eyes. I realized he had mistaken me for EDITORIAL BOARD don't like geese. They leave little green poop­ another goose. I got very scared, especially J. Wayne Harris Strokin '.Chief ies all over the sidewalks. If you don't look when he splashed on some coiogne and started Daria Managing Badly MEMBERS: where you're going, you might get green playing Barry White music out ·of a little goose poopy all over your shoes. I got some portable boombox be was carrying with him. I Tom Ato MStud Our opinion represents the majority on my shoes when I was walking back to my managed to get away this time, but next time I car from class yesterday, and it got all over might not be so lucky. It could happen to you Squeegie Man Mercenary-in-Chiej opinion of no one. It's really the the floor mats, and then my Mom yelled at too, you know. grumblings of a disgruntled staff me for ruining the new Yugo she bought me. I think DUMSL should get rid of the geese, Davey Booger slave-ofthejoumol _member who likeS to use the editorial And you know what's worse? It's spring, yesiree.bob. Either that, or make them clean up D. Mike Douglas distro maestro page as a forum for his own sick, and the geese are mating now. Have you ever their own poopy. Or maybe DuMSL should seen geese have sex? It's gross, let me tell pay for hotel rooms during this, the mating Kenesaw twisted point of view. The rest" of us you. I wore a gOQse-down jacket to school season. That way the geese can have their own Mountain-Molehill the long-named one are really quite embarrassed by him, yesterday and I saw one of the geese looking private love nest. Hee heel Love nest! Nest! actually. at me funny. He had that come-hither look in Geese! Get it? Mr. Wide Angle CEO Photos-R-Us

One of the new , HATE MAIL photo people Cool photo gal Martin Van Gogh Our little angel Dear Scumbag, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious effort on the University Senate is responsible for all the Your paper sucks. the part of SqA representatives, every single humidity in the air, which makes your hair get Owais the GrS smooth talkin' man administrator at DUMSL, my dog Skipper, frizzy. This has me very concerned The Sincerely, and the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald, I could University Senate did not make the air more Bob Bobbins have continued as eighth president this year humid. We simply asked the National Weather Staff: (staf) n. 1. a stick, rod or Acting Interim Vice Acting Temporary of the DUMSL student body. I could have Service for a tad more moisture in the air Acting Interim President, Student accomplished great things like serving cock­ because we have dry skin. It's not OUR fault pole 2. a specific group of work­ Government Association tail weiners in the student lounge and putting that they overdid it ers or employees 3. a group of Barcaloungers in all classrooms instead of I am also very concerned about the people who gather at the campus those miniscule plastic desks that the estab­ February 29 editorial, ''Where the Hell am I newspaper to play board games lishment forces us to sit in. SadlYl it is no Supposed to Park?" in which you blame the . and avoid studying as long as they Dear Editor, . longer up to me to take the bull by the horns, . University Senate for taking all student park­ possibly can. Hey, could you put more hot chicks in your throw caution to the wind, and make hay ing spaces, resulting in the fact that the closest newspaper? You know, in London all their while the sun shines when we are between a parking space you could find to the campus newspapers have hot naked chicks on page rock and a hard place. Therefore, I urge stu­ was in Fenton. Your accusation leaves me very PHONE NUMBERS: . two of their newspapers. I know we're not dents to engage in the following activities to concerned Lots of students find perfectly actually in London or anything like that, but propel the administration into action: 1) lovely parking spaces as close as Olivette; it's • News, Features, and maybe we could be more like them, you Chain yourselves to the U. Center and repeat­ not OUR fault you couldn't find anything clos­ Assassination Consp iracies: edly sing ''Mambo No.5," 2) Show up to er to campus. know, and have some hot chicks in the news­ 516.51 4 paper? class naked, 3) Write 'The Chancellor Picks I am also greatly concerned about your Her Nose" in sidewalk chalk all throughout February 17 editorial ''Why the Hell Doesn t • Shameless Sales Pitches: Signed, the quad. Perhaps then the administration will the University Senate Go Away." We can't go 516- '316 Biggs Boffo finally meet all of our demands ... whatever away; otherwise, there would be no one on • Noneuvyor Business: President, Alpha Beta Gamma Delta they are. campus to be very concerned. 516-51 '5 ¥omamma Fraternity • Safe Fax: Norton Nonesuch With concern, 516-6811 Former Acting Interim Acting President, . Sally Streudel Student Govenlment Association professor of chemical e-mail: To the Editor, dependency in sheep Your paper sucks. tagnant@l:Jiteme.edu

Love, To the Stagnant Editor: website: I ap1 very concerned about several editori- To the Editor: Your Mom lUi w.byob.asapfyi. dpijbi. ia.abc. nbc als which have appeared in your publication Your paper sucks. that have me very concerned They are very cb .pb tgif com Dear Establishment Conspirators, misleading, and that has me very concerned Sincerely, Were it not for the actions of an monoma­ In the March 8 editorial entitled ''What the Branch NewhiU Hell is Up With My Hair?" you insinuate that DUMSL Chancellor The Stagnant is a little rag we pu blish every April niacal, psychopathical, fantastical, heretical, Fools Day. It's a paraody, it's satire, it's the epit· ome of what makes this whole dang coun try so grand. Well, maybe not that last part. The University is not respon.sible for the content of So, what do you think? The Stagnant. The University is also not repsonsi· ble for black holes in space, male pattern bald­ Want to send a letter to the editor? Well, that's nice. Do you have any idea how many friggin' letters to the editor we get every week? Huh do ness, or ''Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire." 1 Everything in this issue belongs to us and if you you? Do you realize how many people at DUMSL have nothing better to do except write letters to a bunch of complete strangers? Well, it's . use it without our permission, we wi ll go after a lot. If you happen to be one of these people, you can express your opinion to us one of the following ways: you r butt with a vengeance. Either that, or we'll in force you to come worK for us. Each issue of The Stagnant contains 100% of the daily recommend­ • Finger paintings • Smoke signals ed intake of wood pulp and ink. As our dad ~ all • Interpretive dance used to say, it's roughage! So if your system needs a good cleansing, we've got he hook up Send to: The Stagnant, Outpost Station #5, Antarctica. All letters to the editor should be 10 words or less and can be randomly edited for whatever w-e feelli.ke. here. ~arew ell , good bye . and good night. el 3 de abril . Page~ 9

Alien oosts hockey team to elite status Irn n~igrant smashes scoring record itt 20 ga1ne span

BY J. WAYNE HARRIS ...... ·······~t;O ki~·;·~jjiej ·········· ·· ···· · ··· ·········

The DUMSL ice hockey team has benefit­ ed already from a new addition. Igor Ghtlkslnvfrds carne to the United States from his tiny home country of Xtlymp with nothing more than his skates and hockey stick. Since his coming to DUMSL, the ice hock­ ey team has won their last 20 games by an average of 15 goals a game. In those 20 games, Ghtlkslnvfrds has smashed league scoring r ords with 112 goals and 79 assists for 191 points. "I go out, shoot puck, . Ghtlkslnvfrds said. "Coach tell m~, 'you score or 1 call immigra­ tion.' 1 no want go back to repression in Xtlymp, so I score." DUMSL ice hockey coach, Dedrik Schout, said he has never threatened Ghtlkslnvfrds. "I ha never threatened Ghtl-, damn it! I can never pronOlUlce his name," Schout said . .' We just call him Bob." . Mr. Wide Angle! The Stagnant When asked if he liked his new nickname, Ghtlkslnvfrds said a few words in his native Igor Ghtlkslnvfrds makes a quick get away from the DUMSL ice complex after immigration authorities came to question language before responding in English. him about his residential status. The driver of the vehicle is unidentified. . 'They call me this Bob," Ghtlkslnvfrds DUMSL athletic director Nat Poland said does not mean that you can't be in this won- . "Oh, those guys in the plain black suits with said. 'Who is this BobT she will not comment on allegations that she is derlulland of ours. I believe in giving every­ sunglasses were just some fans wanting an Ghtlkslnvfrds also had a few words about harboring Ghtlkslnvfrds illegally. Immigration body a fair chance, especially if he scores as autograph," Schout said. ''They could have the American style of hockey. officials evidently do not have the proper much as Bob does and is leading us to the asked a little more nicely, though, instead of "Americans lazy:' Ghtlkslnvfrds said. paperwork processed for the super star for him National Championship like Bob is." . demanding to see him." "Use sticks too much. I skate circles around to be in this couiltry. Schout said he has never been approached . The DUMSL ice hockey team plays their them and score much. I make them look stu­ 'That's'a bunch of nonsense," Poland said. by immigration officials 'about GhtlksInvfrds' next . game at home agamst conference rival pid." "Simply because you don't have one little card immigration status. SIU-Nowheresville Friday at 7 p.m. DUMSL adoptS pee wee football team

BY J. WAYNE HAR~IS Pearce Redding. Redding smashed pee wee · ·"'· · ···· · ·· ······ ·· · · ~i;;k;·~ ·; · ~bi~/ · · ·· ····· ·· ··· · · ...... league rushing records last year running for 3,778 yards on 1,997 carries. He also scored Since DUMSL will never get its own foot­ 324 touchdowns and didn't fumble once. ball team, DUMSL athletic director Nat Redding said he is ready to tame the Cats of Poland announced that the University has DUM-Columbo on their home field. adopted a local amateur football team to rep­ "They don't got sh-t on me," said the confi­ resent the University on the gridiron. dent 9-year old. '1' ve got all the game and after The team, called the Rug Rats, is made up I run all over them in the afternoon, I'm gonna of primarily 8- to 9-year-olds and plays in a take hili of their cheerleaders out that night. pee wee league. The move came as a surprise We'll go out to McDonald's, throw down a to Rug Rats coach Imnotil Cheater. . couple of Happy Meals and then go back to '''This was a big surprise to me," Cheater myhotel room and watch some of my N'Sync said. tapes on TV. Yeah, that's a night with .the Some changes will accompany the adop­ Pearce Man." tion. First, the team will change their name While Redding continues to make social from the Rug Rats to the River Rats to ade­ . plans for after the game, Cheater hopes to keep quately reflect DUMSL's environment. Also, the rest of the team out of jail, at least until after instead of playing against kids their own age, the season. the River Rats will now play against other ''People don't know how much work that is Division I college teams. with these guys," Cheater said. ''My quarter~ Poland said she is confident that the River back three offensive linemen and two of my Rats can compete against the higher level of recei~ers already have felonies and my entire competition. . defense hangs out with the Dallas Cowbwnbs "Our first game at our system rival DUM­ of the National Felony League. Columbo;" Dolan said. "Vegas is already giv- 'These aren't your nOImal 9-year-olds. ing us 9 1/2 points in that one." . DUM-Colwnbo will find out up close this The River Rats are led by running back fall." Page X The Stagnant April III, MM FA LA LA LA LA DUMSL gives pros experience working on mus·cal - BY ANNIE OAKLEY 1l1e director, Marvin Behooved, purchased ments and props, ' curtains and hired stage department hopes that this will lead to greater ...... ·Q~em · oj the"wdd Fro~tie;' '' ...... new instruments so that not one would be crev.:, . the University did have to slightly community involvement with the campus. touched by students. By taking this step, the increase the ticket price and eliminate any pos­ 'We, in the music department, want to In an effort to bring 'notoriety and added "kid cooties" will be avoided. By the absence sible discount. invite all students to come watch the event. revenue to the UM,.St. Louis Music of such distracting annoyances, less work and No student ticket rate will be provided as The focus is gain a greater scope in the theatri­ DepaItment, a new musical will be featured fewer practices will have to be scheduled, and well and each ticket sells for the bargain prke cal circuit and possibly take 'Busted' on a during the summer break. the production will be much more streamlined. of $97.98. . national tour," Nobenevit said. The new musical, ''Busted'' follows the To cover the expense of these actors, instru- Ivan Nobenevit, the chair of the music story line of a money laundering scheme that becomes so ~ar di c nnect from the original mob leader that it adually resembles the oper­ ation controned b his . val. The music dep Ilnent, in order to atlJ.-act audiences, has hir d a rompl te cast of pron - siona} non-stu ent actors, a Don-student rchestra and a non-stud nt director. Tn fact not one ~ tudent will set foot behind tage or work "Btl ted" at all.

POOmoves station to Uranus (yeah, yours)

BY A HIE OAKLEY ···· .. ·.. ·· .. .. ·Q~em ' ~jthe··i,~i/dFroiitie;:· · ··· .. ·.. ·....

KW11POO is reaching to a new level-the stars. It used to be that students could obtain an internship to work at the DUMSL radio sta­ tion directed towards community affairs. Now iIi order to work at KWMPOO, a stu­ dent must relocate to the planet of Uranus because the new headquarters of KW11POO recently moved just below the surface of that gassy planet. A link way will be built in the near future, opening a portal from DUMSL to the new location'. The base will be at the old location on the first floor of Mucus Hall. .The time that it will take to complete the warp remains questionable. Possibilities range from 10 days to 233 days, going one way. Once there, students will have to pass through an examination to see if they can adjust to the daylight schedule of Uranus, which happens to be one hour of purple sun­ light for every 2.4 days. If a student does not pass the density machine test, they will have to return to Earth and the DUMSL campus at their own cost. MeMe First, station director for KWM­ POO, repOIts that the new satellite location of KWMP()(j is remarkably like the fonner location on Earth and that any student wishing ' to join will have to work just as diligently as before, if not more. 'The challenge' is even greater at the new . location and we will gladly accept any appli­ cations," First said. There will be a two-year application wait because of the distance necessary to transmit the paperwork. So First does urge any inter­ ested students to apply early_ . It was a dark and stormy night. ... 1be Stagnant Page 11

You wanted it.• • •

• • .Now you've got it!

to e L • , o Ie •

That's right! Now you can hear all your favorite old tunes, as arranged and performed by university personalities (for lack of a better word)!

Call 1·8 00·YO·DU SL

We accept c hecks, money orders, cashier's wallets, a d credit ards found at car-dealerships.

This music is better than anything you've ever heard! Don' , miss this wonderfu ' opportunity!

Yeah baby y eah! - J. Je ry ce

... and so tnanJ JflOre/! Time ... does it really exist? I

GooseCa experiment • ends t er disas er The GooseCam

TId!: pmjel.."'t "WQS ilreru1ed ~ r~q< br~ge ~iap W ~gdU$ ~~ . A1 1.he left »011 '11j'll be able to s=e ~ Yid..o ~1· 1.ht DUMm. ~~e.M and b.e the)1I Evil goose promulgates manifesto spMk ir. tr.r; . MtY< • lY.g~e . We j 11 ~l'\jo . ' tru.J o~jn;.,~·lift}.~ apporw.rury ,

BY SQUEEGIE A N Ghengis Goose waved, whistled, and 0lick gt](uefmb'

.. ~ • ••• ~ • • # ...... , ...... ", •• , "'~ ' ., •• •• • • • ~ • • • • J _, • • ' •• • • • • • ••• , '.' ... ~ . . .. , . mercenary-in-cbief waxed pseudo-eloquent while behind him his .. 111# ~~~i006e poopse.~. m troops warded off attempts to retake the cam­ tall:h'tg It L<)T. An experiment in inter-species cultural era • ~ '\1 Sod 1tM mat sock31DgatheT. It'3 me . diversity went horribly awry Wednesday. Across campus, stunned students sat in Hoping to put aside years of conflict stupefied stupors as Ghengis Goose contin­ between the human and goose populations of ued to rant. DUMSL, zoology professor Siniian Monkee "Look into my eyes, my pretties," developed what he dubbed the 'goose.:cam.:) Ghengis Goose cooed. "After I snap my This special camera was mounted on Benton wing-fingers, you will wake up and salute Hall, near Bugg Lake which many of the me, Ghengis Goose The Great, and call me » ~~ Oll.eam:p1!S na~"hat geese call home. 'Almighty Ruler!' Together we will fonn the the 'R~~~t' ~ . ~. ''TI1e idea behind the goose-carn is that Patriarchy of the Neo-Demagogue people would be able to see the geese interact Revolution~ and no one will be able to stop naturally, listen to them talk, and learn from us! Bwahahahaha!" them," Monkee said. "All I ever wanted was After fifteen hours of expounding on his AND HOW I,'S n E FO •.• GHf GOOSE HAPPY t«:)u I! to mcrease the peace." manifesto, Ghengis Goose became sleepy_ One goose had other plans for Monkee's enough fo'r Monkee and his fellow professors "T ~ ight . $ 11. the beer i$ Cf1 mf;! .. , T e . t rule of ~r experimental device. Calling himself to regain control of the camera Ghengis ts to inei>ritfeY01re ~ rso Gona.wnalllnd. "Almighty Ruler," Ghengis Goose The Great Goose. was banished from campus, but he and his loyal Storn1 Geese manhandled con­ vowed to return with the help of his fellow trol of the camera Once online, Ghengis geese. Goose began transmitting his own message. "You haven't seen the last of · me, "Friends; students, waterfowL lend me DlJMSL," he cackled during an interview your ears," he began, in a quackly Donald after his expulsion. "Lest I begin making This is a picture of the Go·oseCam website during the hijacking. Now that I have Duck-esque voice. 'Twill not stand by while sense, I will leave you with one final thOLlght: that out of t he w ay, I'd like to tell you about some things that have been both­ the members of the 15th Reich take control of If you combine the letters in the names Hitler ering me. First of all, why does everyone smell so bad? Am I really the only one DUMSL! We will break the· powers that be and Napoleon, take out the 'p' and the '1' and who cares about personal hygiene? Sw eet mother of squatch! All it takes is a and force them to submit to our will,· as the toss in some. other letters, then stir them all bit of deodorant, a few drops of vinegar in the hair, an voila you're ready to go! French did to the Tazmanians during that around, it spells 'Ghengis Goose!' Chew on So come on folks, let's get with it... Paid for by ''The Amer ican Association of god-awful Antartican War." that! Bwahahahaha!" Americans for a More Fragrant America." Missing Oscar statuettes found in Ch ncellor' office

BY KENESAW M OUNTAIN-MoLEHILL Branch Newbill. A earch of her office tume staff editor up both the ar tatuettes d the missinc Oscar baUo fr m an earlier in ideal. L nd r Just prior to this year's Academy Awards intense poli 'e questioning, N whill hn k ceremony, the entire shipment of Oscar stat­ down and onfessed t the th ts.· he S ilf uettes for the awards ceremony were discov­ ballots that li e ~ und after that incident ered missing. were fi rgerie w produ d t throw inye:ti­ Although the Academy was able to obtain gato ff the trail: th real ne:." said replacement statuettes, the search for the pur­ a haken N hilL loined awards continueci N whill rev Early evidence led the investigators to the DUMSL c.ampus, and suspicion fell on Garwin Buttress, former acting interim acting president and well-known fan of the 0 cars award ceremony. HO\ e er. Buttr apparent­ ly had an iron-clad alibi . . Garwin '; a! the ri tim of a fly ing:' 'd Correctio Office Pat s. "He was in the jail' inflfID ral da that." Mr. Wide Angle! The Slllgllalll Authorities were still n ineed A bunch of little Oscar statuettes all in a row. They look like they need a bow. University's connection to the They're golden, see them glow? They're way too heavy to throw. attention eventually turned t