bcdeifrhijklmnopa Com Volume 30 Issue 3 Fourth Quarter LINEExperience, Strength and Hope In this issue The Birth of ACA The Birth of ACA ...... 1 .Beginning a Speakers by Omer G Bureau ...... 2 he founding of Adult Children of Al- ACA Speaker Recordings . . . . 2 coholics 37 years ago was subtle but also The Languages of Our Childhood ...... 3 dramatic.T We mark the official founding of From Our Treasurer ...... 3 ACA/ACoA in the spring of 1978. That’s when Best Practices ...... 4 cofounder Tony A. penned the 14 traits of an Looking Down on All My Adult Child, which is also known as the Laun- Fears ...... 4 Untie the Knot ...... 5 dry List. Från en kollega som talar With 260 words, the Laundry List is the svenska ...... 5 foundational document of our fellowship. The Classic ComLINE 2007 ...... 6 writing of the traits set us on a course that in- Up and Down Meetings ...... 6 Musical Chairs ...... 7 volved an amicable separation from Al-Anon to become an autonomous The Language of Family ...... 7 Twelve Step fellowship with its own meetings, literature, service structure Strengthening My Recovery . . . . . 8 and primary purpose. Are You Sabotaging Your The events, leading up to the writing of theLaundry List, began about Relationships? ...... 8, 9 Shhh ...... 9 1976. That’s when a group of Alateens in New York started holding a spe- Anonymity ...... 9 cial-focus meeting. As Tony recalled in a 1992 interview with ACA WSO, What “Organization” Means the Alateens were mostly 20-year-old members, who would soon be mov- To Me, Tradition Nine ...... 10 Is Your Past Holding ing up to Al-Anon; however, they did not want to move up to a fellowship You Back? ...... 10, 11 that was primarily focused on spousal issues and spousal drinking. At these early ACA-link meetings, the Alateens wanted mostly young people in attendance. However, after awhile, about 1977, they invited Tony to the meeting after hearing his AA story, which included his alcoholic About the ACA ComLINE upbringing. Although he was 50 years old,the age difference did not matter The ComLINE is published quarterly because of the language of identification. by Adult Children of Alcoholics® World ­Service Organization, with one free Tony described these early meetings as occasionally chaotic and some- report of the Annual Business Confer- times volatile. During the meetings, the Alateens angrily shared about ence (ABC). The ComLINE is intended as a communication line from WSO abuse, neglect, and abandonment. They were angry not only at the alcoholic to the fellowship of ACA around the but also the non-drinking parent as well. world, and as a forum for the fellow- ship to share recovery. The ­ComLINE In his interview with ACA WSO, Tony recalled how these early meet- slogan is “Experience, Strength, and ings began to flounder due to a lack of focus. Consequently, the Alateens Hope”. The opinions expressed are those of the individuals writing the confronted Tony to provide structure and focus for the meeting. On the articles and do not necessarily reflect morning after being confronted, a Thursday, Tony wrote theLaundry List. the opinions of the ACA fellowship or WSO. “It was as if Someone Else was writing the List through me,” Tony © 2015 Adult Children of Alcoholics®/­ said. Dysfunctional Families World Service Soon after the Laundry List was written, Tony recalled how represen- Organization, Inc. This edition may be ­reprinted in its entirety for free distri- tatives from Al-Anon showed up and informed the group that they could bution to anyone in Adult Children of not read the Laundry List because it was not conference approved literature. Alcoholics or other Twelve Step pro- grams. Otherwise, no portion or por- The group members voted to not give up the list and then to strike out on tions may be reproduced without the their own. This was the 1978 group conscience that, when coupled with the written consent of the copyright owner: Laundry List, gave birth to today’s ACA.

ACA WSO, Inc. Post Office Box 3216 Torrance, California, 90510 USA adultchildren.org Happy 37th Birthday, ACA ! adultchildren.org/comline Ed. Note: Tony A. died in 2004 in Florida. He was 77 years old. News and Views Beginning a Speakers Bureau by John M. s the Speakers Meeting pointments to listen to speaker Bureau had more speakers Coordinator for my In- stories in order to match speak- than invitations, we developed tergroup,A I e-mailed a flyer to ers with specific requests. eight-hour marathons with other Adult Children of Alco- Our Speakers Bureau in- speakers addressing themed holics (ACA) to inform them vited ACA old timers and new- topics on the inner child, life about an up-coming speaker comers to speak at our ACA skills, sponsorship, relation- at a local meeting. One ACA meetings for members to ex- ships, money, and the ACA friend shared her experience, perience what audiences might Twelve Steps. Attendees do- strength, and hope about how hear. ACA members attended nated $10 at the door. Money her Intergroup developed their the special speaker event at and relationships were hot ACA Speakers Bureau. Since schools/colleges, hospitals, in­ top­ics! The marathon was used my term limit is over for this sti­tu­tions, and other ACA as an Intergroup fundraiser for commitment, I thought I’d pass meetings in order to get a feel projects to help carry the mes- on the following information: for the audiences. Special event sage. At our Annual ACA Re- Our Intergroup Office requests often wanted speakers treat/Convention, we supplied Chair received many calls for to take five or ten minutes to speakers who shared their sto- ACA members to speak to introduce a topic, to tell them ries of experience, strength and schools, Hospital and Institu­ about the ACA program, or to hope. tion (H&I) panels, and to oth- just briefly tell their stories in Forming the Speakers Bu- er ACA meetings. The diffi- order for the audiences to hear reau has been an incredible ex- ­culty in locating speakers was new perspectives. perience. Perhaps your group, reported to our Intergroup, so Each month our ACA intergroup, region or state we created an ACA Speakers Speaker Bureau was invited to could form a Speakers Bureau, Bureau. send a different ACA speaker too. State ACA Speaker Bu- At an ACA Speakers to a nearby jail/rehabilitation reaus could connect with one Bureau orientation meeting, center to be represented on a another, opening up endless ACA members reviewed Tra- Twelve Step program panel opportunities to share posi- ditions guidelines and collect- consisting of one member from tive growth with others in this ed contact information, top- Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), powerful program of recovery. ics, forums, topic preferences, Codependents Anonymous Please feel free to send me and speaker availability. We (CA), Narcotics Anonymous (c/o [email protected]) also noted travel distances to (NA), and Adult Children of your experiences in speaking on schools, hospitals, jails, prisons, Alcoholics (ACA) to share behalf of ACA at meetings, com- and other ACA meetings. Our their stories with inmates. munity venues, or in hospitals & ❧ Speakers Bureau made ap- When the ACA Speaker institutions. Thank you! J. M. ACA Speaker Recordings

Below is a list of a few links to recordings of ACA speakers for you to enjoy listening to their experi- ence, strength and hope. • ACA Convention 2005 http://www.acaconvention.org/html/2005_speakers.htm • ACA Convention 2006 http://www.acaconvention.org/html/2006_speakers.htm • ACA Convention 2007 http://www.acaconvention.org/html/2007_speakers.htm • ACA Convention 2008 http://www.acaconvention.org/html/2008_speakers.htm • ACA Convention 2009 http://www.acaconvention.org/html/2009_speakers.htm • Arizona Intergroup http://aca-arizona.org/aca-speakers/ • ACA Oregon Speakers http://acaoregon.com/2008-aca-recordings/ The current version of this list is available athttp://acaintergroups.org/ACARegionsWiki/index. php?title=Speaker_Recordings 2 ⎜ Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE News and Views The Languages of Our Childhood

id you know updated to include “The Flip Side of The ­Laundry that WSO List”, “The Other Laundry List”, and “The Flip Doffers nearly 100 Side of The Other Laundry List”. These lists are pieces of free lit- the focal point of The Laundry Lists Workbook, erature in more which will be available for purchase in October. than a dozen You can also click on the “Select Language” languages? link to see how WSO is committed to translat- Did you know that adult children around the ing the ACA literature into the languages of our world are continually adding to this by translating childhood. Our Multi-Lingual ACA Literature literature daily? And that much of this is available page links to dozens of PDF documents in both on our website at no charge? Here’s how to find US Letter and A4 formats to download and print, it: with new pieces added regularly. Go to adultchildren.org, and click on The FAQ’s have been translated in various at the top of the page. languages, they can be found at http://www.adult- Here you will find a treasure trove of valuable children.org/faq. You can then click on “­Select information, including “ACA Is…” as a web page, Language” and pick a language that is bolded. and a “Sample Meeting Format” to download Translated books for purchase can be found and edit for your own meetings. “The Laundry at shop.adultchildren.org/. Look for even more to ❧ List” link goes to a page that has been recently be added soon!

The Editor has heard this: “Most ‘inner children’ need to read in the language of their own childhood to really understand information.”

From Our Treasurer n keeping with the WSO Board’s intent of maintaining transparency in all financial matters, monthly reports are posted on the website’s Repository at http://www.repository.adultchildren.org/ Iwso-treasurer. Seventh Tradition contributions are also shown in the “Donations Received” sub-tab. If you have any questions I can answer in future issues of the ComLine, please contact me. Yours in Service, Mary Jo L. ACA WSO Treasurer [email protected] http://adultchildren.org/ Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE ⎜ 3 News and Views Best Practices

Ready Set GO!!

by The West Great Lakes ACA Intergroup RSG Committee hat Is It? Ready Set GO is a tool that takes a member through the ACA Twelve Steps in four weeks. It is especially helpful before working our Twelve Steps Work- book.W In the Chicagoland area we have been using it for a few years and also in Fitchburg, Wisconsin. We have had positive feedback from members who have taken ACA/ACOA/ RSG. Now it is time to share ACA/ACOA/RSG with the greater fellowship to see how it is received. The full package is available on our website at http://www.repository.adultchildren. org/aca-notices. Print it out (as it❧ is, one-sided and in black and white) and try it out. There is a format to follow for groups.

Promise Ten “Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices.”

This is a picture of me looking down on all my fears and deciding to face them any way.

by Bryon

4 ⎜ Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE Shares Untie The Knot by Cari The knot created, without a thought, child’s play? Family knot, family wrought. Grown-ups, the brother, the sister, bound in string. The knot of string, so tightly woven; anger, fights, neglect, follows, does, controls; what is this thing? Untie that knot, lay those strings side by side. The mother yelled, the father drank. Find out what was denied. The brother watched, the daughter sank. Look at them one at a time, so innocent The string weaved itself, a family became. alone, but oh, how sublime. All around, next door, across town, Untie that knot, set yourself free! Strings weaved, families came Let yourself heal, let yourself be. together, the same. Untie that knot, leave those strings Eyes stung as loudness prevailed, minds shrank. alone, we’ve come so far, our The anger, the drink, the doors power is now our own. closed with a yank. Untie that knot, it’s you who can. ❧ The string weaved, slowly, tighter, day by day. Our time is now, make your healthy plan.

Från en kollega som talar svenska by Liisa ej, jag heter Liisa ock mina föräldrar drack livet av sig. Jag bor i Östra Finland. Phyllis frågade mig att skriva på svenska. Jag ska försöka: vi alla här lär det i skolan. HJag är mycket lycklig, för att jag har varit med i ACA för nästan 17 år. Mitt liv har förändrats så mycket! Jag har fått mitt liv helt ach hållet för mig själv. Jag lever mitt liv som jag vill. Tack för det fjärde steget vet jag nu hurdan jag är. Jag tror inte mer om någon anser att jag är dum, jag bara lär mig att jag har gjort något som den här människa tänkar är dumt. För mig det är en stor skillnad. När jag börjage gå på ACA möterna ville jag inte lära känna människor. Jag bara talade ut mina sorger ock gick ut. Men över tiden öppnade jag mig till andra, gick med till tjänsten ock småningom ACA har blivit en stor del av mitt liv. Här i Finland har vi ganska många veckosluten per år när vi aca människor träffar varandra. På dessa ACA retritter arbetar vi med stegen eller känslor på olika sett. Vi skriver ock ritar med den svagare hand, vi dansar, spelar, vandrar Sweden i skogen ock lekar med snö, talar till snögubbarna som tar olika roller och så vidare. Den stora röda boken, som vi kan läsa på våra modersmål, ger hela tiden nya ideer ock inspirerar os. Allt det har hjälpt mig att växa till en ny människa. Jag vill inte mer leva utan ACA. Förut har jag många gånger blivit “färdig” ock lämnat ACA, men livet har serverat mig något svårt och tagit mig tillbaka. Nu lever jag i en gammal skol mit i skogen, långt borta från stan. Jag kallar mitt hem “Eheytys”, Defragmentering. Med min ACA grupp Polvijärvi organiserar vi här ACA retritter och människor kommer hit från hela landet. Det är så fint! I september ska vi tre finnar resa till Arizona, Mingus Mountain ACA retritt. Det är så spännande! Jag hoppas❧ att ha många år med ACA och se den växa i hela världen. Jag tackar Heli för hjälp med skrivning. Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE ⎜ 5 Shares Classic ComLINE 2007 by unknown Even Though . . . My parents weren’t available to me, I can be. My parents couldn’t admit that I had needs, I can. My parents were in denial, I don’t have to be. My parents couldn’t meet my needs. I am learning to. My parents couldn’t say “I love you” when they were sober, I can admit my love without being drunk. My parents used alcohol to hide their feelings, I can admit that I have feelings, and I can let them in. My parents used alcohol to avoid listening to that still, small voice; I can sit still and listen, even when I’m afraid of what I will hear. My parents didn’t treat me as a real person, I am learning to recognize and admit my own worth. My parents used alcohol to avoid change; I can be open to possibilities without panic. ❧ I was raised in a home of denial, I don’t live there anymore. Promise Eleven “With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors.” Up and Down Meetings by Phyllis R.

he meeting I’ve been going to for the last 14 available for purchase since I want people to years has had ups and downs in attendance. have them as soon as possible before they begin EveryT once in awhile, I get a phone call from to think about not buying it. someone asking is your meeting still going? They And when they don’t come back to ‘my’ saw my phone number either in the newspaper meeting I wonder. What could I do? Once I or on the web site for ACA. And I always say asked a person who had come a few times that yes. And sometimes even with a call, they don’t question. He responded from his own experience come. Still, the foundation for my meeting is that we shouldn’t be quite so welcoming. He was me and maybe one or two others. Sometimes, a shy and perhaps was overwhelmed. I can’t stop group from a rehab program will swell the num- being me so if I overwhelm someone, that’s not bers in attendance. It’s always great to have them my problem, sadly. I just keep attending for me even though their main program is not working and hopefully knowing that❧ I’m planting seeds. on emotional sobriety. It can be a little discour- Maybe they will sprout. aging that more people don’t come to ‘my’ meet- ing. ACA has so much to offer. Of course, it’s not an easy program. No one is going to be healed miraculously. It could hap- pen. Still, I like seeing new people show up. Many have been to an ACA meeting years ago, usually before the publishing of our Big Red Book. They are surprised to find that there is such a manual. Sometimes they buy it — I always have some 6 ⎜ Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE Shares Musical Chairs by Christine B. art of my ACA recovery is recognizing when I am acting based on a feeling from the past. Change is only possible if I first feel the feeling, which means coming out of denial. As a writer, I can often P“right size” these feelings by writing about an image or event that expresses the feeling. For example, I have a regular recovery breakfast at a local diner and I’m always afraid there won’t be room for me (abandonment). I realized that the game “Musical Chairs” is a perfect example of how this feels: When I was five, when I had Disneyworld, or beach vacation, or one pink party dress, one pair Good Job, Sweetie. You’re the best—. of white socks with eyelet trim, The music stopped. Stunned by silence. when life seemed filled with not enough. Pause. And in that pause, the other clever A party game that seemed designed children, grabbed a chair, nudged me by monsters or an evil witch. over, sat down quick. Peppy music played, I skipped around I stood. They stared. a row of chairs, anticipating Some kindly grownup took my hand cake and goody bags. and leaned me up against the wall. As soon as I was lulled into my role Where I’m still standing, in❧ the land of in this fairy tale, as soon as I heard not enough to go around. The Language of Family by Cathy M. never thought about it really… that besides had about being constantly corrected. So now English, I might have learned another lan- I know where to put my commas (and yours, Iguage while growing up. I was trying to under- too, I’m sorry to say), and I say “haven’t written” stand the origins of my anger, rage, and unhealthy instead of “ain’t wrote”, but sadly, I also shake interactions, when suddenly my background in my head in scorn while correcting those dear language and language learning came to mind to me with the fluency of a native speaker of and stopped me dead in my tracks. Grammatical dysfunction. structures are as dear to me as the expressions Some contend that a soul is born with each they represent, so framing anger and brokenness new language learned… that as you learn Italian, as a language learned brought an understanding pasta dishes find a place next to hamburgers, and that just hadn’t been in my head before. I real- that Tchaikovsky and Elvis shake hands while ized I learned how to speak both English and mastering Russian. Sadly, however, while acquir- dysfunction as a child and how being bilingual ing the nuances of dysfunction, denial, isolation, means communicating with the phrases and ex- guilt, and fear find their place right smack in pressions native to my spoken tongue, as well as the middle of every word and every relation- with the anger, rage, and pouting silence of my ship. Personally, I’ve come to realize how, with second native language. the fluency of a native speaker, my accents range “I ain’t wrote my homework yet,” I might from mad victim to silent pouter and others in have said to Mom. “Honey, it’s ‘I haven’t writ- between when speaking dysfunction. ten’,” she says, and with a smile and eyes full of As children, we grow into fluency by mak- love, she explains how a language has tenses, and ing mistakes. As adults, we refine our native how they sometimes change, and how it’s ok to fluency with the passing of years. As an adult make mistakes. child of two alcoholics, ACA has been helping Didn’t happen… Mom was a writer by trade, me review the grammar and syntax of my second well versed in the intricacies of language, and native tongue and become aware of the many she used that knowledge handily — mainly to accents of my dysfunction. With this growing maintain her separateness and prove her elevat- awareness, thankfully, I gradually begin to speak ed status from those of us vying for her affection. a language❧ of serenity and peace unknown until Wearing a cloak of silence and fear throughout now. my childhood buried any feelings I might have Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE ⎜ 7 Shares Strengthening My Recovery by Phyllis R. ost every morning, I read from the ACA Dailey Meditations book to start out my day in a positive way. Today’s (May 13), talks about Mrandom acts of kindness. I know when I first started out in ACA I could hardly take care of myself, let alone think about ‘helping’ others. Now it’s not hard at all to smile at people or let someone in line ahead of me at a store when they have one item and my basket is full. That’s one of the lovely things about ACA. My outreach is growing and I am taking much better care of myself. I still need to work on a variety of things, and that’s okay. I’m not perfect. I am lovable and capable (IALAC) so I don’t have to BE perfect.❧ My Higher Power is always with me, even when I don’t think about HP.

Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships? by Francis B

ow are your relationships? unable to stand on our own you can see, how we were treated Business? Person-al? Fam- two feet and need to rely on as children affects how we relate Hily? Friendships? Romantic? others. There are many ways to others as adults affecting all Yourself? Any issues? Any recur- that we do this. Because of an of our relationships. All of these ring patterns? The first reaction insecure childhood, we might actions are abusive, dishonest, is to blame it on the other party. try to control others. If we manipulative, controlling, It’s easier to see the faults in were abandoned as children, and avoiding. We’re also others than in ourselves. Though we might fear abandonment abandoning ourselves, focusing relationships take two to tango. and people please others. If we on others and their feelings and We must have had something to were shamed or criticized as neglecting our own. This usually do with it. They say most of our children, we might fear others’ leads to resentment and passive- problems are of our own mak- criticism and anger and avoid aggressiveness. So how do we ing. So how do we honestly look confrontation and standing up change? at our part in our relationships for ourselves. If we were blamed There are many ways to and take responsibility for them as children, we might learn change. Pia Mellody says we so we can change and improve to blame others. If we weren’t need to get our history straight. all of our relationships? esteemed as children, we might John Lee says we need to grow 100% of relationships have have low self-esteem as adults, up. Counseling addresses our some level of dysfunction, some letting others treat us poorly, history, how it infected us then more than others. That’s because treating ourselves poorly or and how it continues to affect none of us were raised in a treating others poorly. If there us today. Twelve Step programs healthy family. If we didn’t get weren’t boundaries growing up, like CODA (Codependents all of our needs met as children, we don’t have boundaries as Anonymous), help us recover we were abused. This abuse leads adults, letting others offend us from codependency and ACA to codependency. There are or offending others. If we were (Adult Children of Alcoholics/ many aspects of codependency. neglected as children, we might Dysfunctional Families), help Though codependency is be too needy of others. If we us recover from our childhood focusing outside of our self were enmeshed as children, we abuse. In ACA, we learn to re- to meet our needs instead of might feel smothered by others parent ourselves and give our- meeting our own needs. John and push them away. If we were selves what we didn’t get from Bradshaw says codependency overly responsible as children, others. We learn to stand on our is people addiction. Pia we might feel overly responsible own two feet and be responsible Mellody says codependency is to take care of others, caretaking, for ourselves and take care of emotional immaturity. We’re rescuing and enabling them. As ourselves so we don’t need oth- 8 ⎜ Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE (continued on page 9} Shares

(continued from page 8} Are You Sabotaging Your Relationships? ers to take of us. We also let oth- sabotaging your relationships? improve, you can choose not to ers be responsible for themselves Are you responsible for your be in it. Here’s wishing❧ you bet- and take care of themselves. In part? Are you doing what you ter relationships. CODA, we learn to esteem our- need to do to change? Why selves through affirmations. We not? Don’t you want better re- Ed. Note: ACA’s Fourth Tradition learn to set boundaries, protect- lationships? It starts with you states, “Each group is autonomous ing ourselves and not offending being a better person. There are except in matters affecting other others. Our relationships be- many things you can do. All of groups or ACA as a whole. We come more loving and honest. your relationships will improve, cooperate with all other Twelve- Do any of your relation- starting with the most impor- Step programs.” ships have problems? Are there tant relationship with yourself. recurring patterns? Are you And if a relationship doesn’t

Shhh by Charles E.

Anonymity by Eileen W. n thinking back about this topic, anonymity the “elevated” women remembering that I wasn’t had more than one gift for me. First, it made worthy. And it had seemed just fine with her to Iit safe for me to be in recovery. The alcoholics in talk to me. And I got it. Somewhere along the my life wouldn’t know where I was going and way, I had grown and the pedestal had shrunk. what I was doing. But the other safety factor was We were now all on the same plane. for my personal identity. All I needed to share Anonymity had kept me safe until I got the was my first name. I didn’t have to share my message from my Higher Power that I was okay. family life or my work experience, so the other He has created all of us as individuals. I didn’t people in the meetings couldn’t know about my have to be like my brother to curry my Mother’s sense of worthlessness. favor. My assignment from God was to become In the beginning I set everyone else up on myself. And that was what I was learning how to a pedestal. Some people were so high up on the do in recovery… I was getting acquainted with pedestal that I never dared to talk with them. the true self God made here in me, and I was But I did learn from them and all the others who acting on it. ACA is not only a program❧ of re- shared their stories. The time came when one covery, it’s a program of discovery! day I realized that I had just spoken with one of Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE ⎜ 9 Shares What “Organization” Means To Me, TRADITION NINE by Cari G. D. uring my 20+ year career, I worked for of oppression, and wanting to avoid all those many “organizations”. During my child- mixed bad emotions. I avoided attending for Dhood, I was a family imposed member of a re- weeks, and when I finally did attend, I hesitated ligious following, yet another “organization”. in participating, still very skeptical of what this Before I knew the impact of the dysfunctional, “organization” was all about. I couldn’t believe alcoholic family on me, I struggled with the ri- that there existed a worldwide group that claims gidity, rules, hierarchy, and control of all those it’s not “organized”. “organizations”, and tried to force fit myself into What I eventually let myself discover was those rules and regulations by becoming a well- that, yes, this is a group that really is not my known “organizer” who cajoled and manipu- definition of organizations. There really are no lated teams into believing in shared goals and “authority” figures, no rigid rules, no hierarchy, outcomes. When I crossed paths with someone or any one person or committee we all have to who would not adhere to my organizing efforts, answer to. This is a worldwide organization of the shared goals philosophy, and my way of mak- loving, caring, supportive people who share a ing things happen, I would become disgruntled common history. It really breaks the mold of and openly difficult, throwing up my hands in what we have been used to and have accepted disgust, and expecting higher ups to step in and as meaning “organization”. There are guidelines, “force” that individual to comply. It was a vi- and other practices which are necessary in order cious cycle of dysfunction, and my definition of to conduct business, but none of that interferes “organization”. with or negatively influences the trust that is When I finally went to therapy in search built in to the structure of ACA. of “what’s wrong with me”, my therapist and I I was suspicious at first, but now fully grasp worked on delving into my childhood where it the lack of formal organization and how the only was discovered I am an adult child of alcohol- authority figures in ACA are my own Higher Power and myself. I am an ever grateful partici- ism and family dysfunction. While the therapy pant in my weekly group meetings where we ex- helped immensely, I wondered if there were oth- press support for one another, and continue our er people like me, affected by their childhoods in healing process, without rigidity, formal organi- the same way. I asked my therapist, and that was zation, or layers of hierarchy, because after all, we how I was introduced to ACA. ❧ are adult children. My first thoughts were, “oh no, not another organization”. Immediately I reverted to feelings

Is Your Past Holding You Back? By Francis B. here is a famous say- from our past and change our are dysfunctional on some ing that those who don’t future by facing our history. level. Pia Mellody, a pioneer knowT history are destined to Maya Angelou said that histo- in codependency recovery, says repeat it. Well, the same goes ry, despite its wrenching pain, that anything less than nurtur- for our personal history. If we cannot be unlived, but if faced ing parenting is abuse. Our don’t know our personal his- with courage, need not be lived childhood years are our most tory, we are destined to repeat again. So how do you face your developmental. As children, it. And if our history has issues history to not repeat it? we have developmental needs like most of us, we’re going to Most of us were not raised that need to be met. We have cause our own future issues. in a healthy family. John Brad- physical, emotional and spiri- We all need to recover from shaw, a pioneer in recovery, tual needs. We need to feel something. We can recover says that 100% of all families safe, be heard, valued, affirmed, (continued on page 11} 10 ⎜ Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE Shares

(continued from page 10} Is Your Past Holding You Back?

accepted and loved. Not only ing it. Many of us shut down look at our history with trained did many of us not get what or disassociated from our feel- professionals and others. When we needed, we were neglected; ings. Many of us recreated the free of our stage one addictions verbally, emotionally, physically same issues and relationship and in touch with our feelings, or sexually abused; shamed; problems we experienced as stage two recovery could help. judged; belittled; and yelled at. children in our adult relation- Other Twelve Step programs We might have had perfection- ships and lives. Some of us like Al-Anon, CODA, or ACA istic parents who expected too developed our own addictions focus more on our family-of- much from us. We might have or got involved in relationships origin issues and relationships had emotionally unavailable with people with them. Most with others and ourselves. parents who had their own un- of our problems are of our own Many faiths and religions offer resolved issues from the past or making. So what is the solu- faith-based recovery programs. addictions such as alcoholism, tion? Pia Mellody says we need Recovery groups that focus drug addiction, workaholism, to get our history straight. So on grief, loss and anger can be gambling addiction, overeat- how do we do that? helpful. There are many self- ing or sex addiction. The abuse Like Maya said, we need to help and recovery books* that we experienced might have face our history with courage. can also help. Most of us can’t been overt or covert. One trau- We have to stop denying, re- recover on our own. We need matic event can cause trauma pressing, medicating and run- help from others. By facing our in us. Daily abuse over many ning from our past. We have to past and working through the years causes even more trau- face it to recover from it. There issues and feelings, we can re- ma. Children can suffer from are many ways to do that. First, cover. As we recover, we break PTSD (post-traumatic stress we need to stop running from the chains of the past and are disorder}, similar to war vet- our past and face it. We need free to create a new and better erans or anyone experiencing to stop medicating our feel- future. serious trauma. Since most of ings with various addictions so So is your past holding our thinking is subconscious, we can feel our feelings. John you back? Now you know if it about 70%, we don’t even real- Bradshaw says feeling is heal- is, what’s holding you back, and ize how much we were affected ing. Some of us might need what you can do to change that. by what happened to us. We or could benefit from Twelve Are you doing what you can? have deep-seated wounds. An- Step programs like AA, NA, Why not? You deserve to be ger, fear, sadness, and busyness GA, or OA to deal with our the best person you can be and are the result. Many of us are addictions. Some of us need have the best life you can have, in denial, repressed what hap- or could benefit from more in- experiencing all of the free- pened because it was too pain- tensive inpatient or outpatient dom, happiness, and success ful, medicate it, or just move treatment. Individual or group that comes with that.❧ Here’s to on from the past without fac- counseling could also help to your future success.

Promise Twelve “Gradually, with our Higher Power’s help, we learn to expect the best and get it.”

*Our own ACA Big Red Book (Fellowship text) may be purchased on our WSO web site.

Fourth Quarter • ACA ComLINE ⎜ 11 ACA ComLINE

ACA WSO, Inc. Post Office Box 3216 Torrance, California, 90510 USA adultchildren.org adultchildren.org/comline