PRESENTS GO FROM NOVICE TO NAILING IT IN NINE PANELS! HEY, AMATEUR!. November 2020. Copyright © 2020 by Shelly Bond for BLACK CROWN. All stories are creator-owned by their respective teams. All rights reserved. Manufactured in SOUTH KOREA. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. ISBN: 978-1-68405-766-5 Images of the Love And Rockets cover and the Steve Ditko Spider- Man panel on page 138 are used with permission from Fantagraphics and Marvel Comics respectively. All likenesses have been used with permission. Neither animal nor alien has been harmed in the making of this hardcover. Cover art by Michael Allred and Laura Allred. Back cover illustration by Sanford Greene. GO FROM NOVICE TO NAILING IT IN 9 PANELS! Featuring the Talents of OVER 100 OF YOUR FAVORITE COMIC BOOK CREATIVES Cover Art by MICHAEL ALLRED Cover Color by LAURA ALLRED Lettering & Design by JANE HEIR Proofreading by ARLENE LO Logo, Design & Creative Direction by PHILIP BOND Editing & Curation by SHELLY BOND Special thanks to U.K. Correspondent WILLIAM POTTER and IDW’s President, Publisher, CCO & Guinness Enthusiast CHRIS RYALL BEGINNER’S MIND, An Introductory Essay 6 by Kelly Sue DeConnick & Becky Cloonan HOW TO EAT RIDICULOUSLY SPICY FOOD 13 by Magdalene Visaggio & Savanna Ganucheau DRAW LIKENESSES 15 by Gene Ha DO CHEAP HORROR MAKEUP 17 by Delilah S. Dawson & dANI! TALK TO A CELEBRITY 19 by Lauren Beukes & Tegan Phillips CARE FOR YOUR ALLERGIC KID 21 by Leah Moore & Merle Goll CATCH A LOOSE DOG 23 by Matt Miner & Tony Akins CARVE A PUMPKIN 25 by Jill Thompson DEAL WITH OCD 27 by Box Brown MAKE A GREAT CURRY 29 by Dilraj Mann RECOGNIZE VARIOUS TYPES OF VAMPIRES & PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THEM 31 by Lilah Sturges & Martin Simmonds KEEP A BAND TOGETHER. FOREVER 33 by David Gedge, Terry de Castro, Jessica McMillan & Lee Thacker LUCID DREAM 35 by Natalia Hernandez CONTENTS LETTER A COMIC 37 by Aditya Bidikar GO TO THE BATHROOM WITHOUT A BATHROOM 39 by Maris Wicks DO AN OLLIE 41 by Cindy Whitehead & Nicole Goux USE AND ASK FOR PRONOUNS 43 by Casey Gilly & Jen Hickman BE A SUCCESSFUL HOBBY HERPETOLOGIST 45 by Liz “Frog” Prince PREPARE A MATE 47 by Rafael Albuquerque BE MINDFUL 49 by Karrie Fransman MAKE A TALISMAN (AND THEN DESTROY IT) 51 by Michael Conrad & Caitlin Yarsky SPOT A GALAXY 53 by Emmeline Pidgen MAKE BURRITOS RIGHT 55 by Gilbert Hernandez CREATE YOUR OWN TTRPG 57 by Marie Enger ROCK BARRE CHORDS 59 by William Potter & Katie Skelly HAVE A CAREER IN COMICS 61 by Peter Bagge DAYDREAM 63 by Paulina Ganucheau MASTER Qi GONG 65 by Chuck Brown & Sanford Greene BE DYSLEXIC 67 by Megan Hutchison SURVIVE IN THE WOODS WITH A KNIFE AND A RABBIT 69 by Oliver Gerlach & Peter Snejbjerg CONTOUR DRAW 71 by Lucy Sullivan HERD CATS 73 by Cecil Castellucci & Sweeney Boo TRAIN YOUR DOPPELGÄNGER 75 by Alex Paknadel & Simon Bisley HOW TO 77 DECORATE A CAKE by Alissa Wallers, Michael Moreci & Cara McGee 79 FAKE A GUITAR SOLO by Julian Dassai 81 SURVIVE YOUR PARENTS’ ELDER YEARS by Cindy Whitehead & Dan Berry 83 DETAIL THE 7 CHAKRAS by David Tischman & Lisa Sterle 85 PERFORM AN EN DEHORS PIROUETTE by Eric Shanower 87 BE A BADASS GOTH by Leah Moore & Nanna Venter 89 CHANGE A TIRE by David Hahn 91 BE UNSPECTACULAR by Rob Davis 93 KISS by Alisa Kwitney & Nick Robles 95 DO A TURKISH GET-UP by Erica Henderson 97 WRITE A NOVEL by David Barnett & Zoe Thorogood 99 CROP ART PANELS by Jesse Hamm 101 TEACH YOUR DOG TO RING A BELL TO GO OUTSIDE by Emi Lenox 103 BE THE PERFECT PARTY HOST by Matthew Howes & Mark Buckingham 105 DESTROY THE INTERNET by Gail Simone & Cathy Brett 107 MEDITATE by Glyn Dillon 109 SKANK AT A SKA SHOW by Sam Grinberg 111 MAKE A DOG DAPPER by Jonathan Edwards & Felt Mistress 113 CLIP THE CLAWS OF AN UNRULY CAT by Marley Zarcone 115 MAKE A PROPER CUP OF TEA by William Potter & Simon Gane 117 CREATE THE PERFECT PLAYLIST by Vita Ayala & Eduardo Medeiros 119 FLY THIS THING! by Jarrod Jones & Kristian Rossi 121 PAINT A MURAL by Lola the Illustrator 123 SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK, PROBABLY by Chynna Clugston Flores 125 SPEAK IN PUBLIC by Marguerite Bennett & Alabaster Pizzo 127 BE A WARRIOR by Paul Pope & Neha Sharma 129 SCREENPRINT A GIG POSTER by Rory Phillips 131 PACK GROCERIES WITH MACHINE-LIKE EFFICIENCY by John Allison 133 BONUS: HOW TO WASH YOUR HANDS by William Potter 135 SUCCESSFULLY KICKSTART A CAMPAIGN: THE AFTERWORD by Shelly Bond & Helen Green 137 BEHIND-THE-PANEL BORDERS process pieces & miscellany 139 THE 9-PANEL GRID: AN ESSAY by Jim Rugg 141 OTHER CONTRIBUTORS & A BARREL OF MONKEYS “Beginner’s Mind,” A Hey, Amateur! Introductory Essay by Kelly Sue DeConnick HOW TO WRITE AN INTRODUCTION cardboard bin of comics filled mostly with Tales STEP 1. YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR of the Teen Titans—editions with heavily saturated RESISTANCE AND START. colors. Unfortunately, all I can recall about Zen and “Beginner’s Mind.” the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is the pink of the Neil Gaiman once told me that you never learn cover and that expression, “beginner’s mind.” to write a thing, you only ever learn to write the Wait, no—I remember it’s the story of a father thing you’re writing. I don’t know if he was quoting and son taking a road trip together. That feels someone else or if the line was his, but the significant. wisdom’s stuck with me. STEP 3. TRY AGAIN. LOSE YOUR WAY Every effort has a beginning, and the first act of AGAIN. creation always feels like hubris. “Who am I to try to "Beginner’s Mind.” make this thing?” Maybe I went to a Buddhist center once? In New I haven’t written the thing yet, so I haven’t discovered York. the thing I’ll find in the writing, so—clearly!—I don’t know what I’m doing and it’s folly to even begin. In New York I was an explorer, always going places, always looking for something, though I never Somehow I got it in my head that creative writing is knew what. I think I found what I was looking for in inspiration, followed by rote dictation. You think of Alcoholics Anonymous eventually, but I’m 19 years the idea, then you write it down, right? sober and I still can’t name it. Wrong. That’s not how it was for me at the start, It wasn’t a Buddhist center; it was a church. and thousands of pages later, it’s not how it has Unitarian. But the man who was speaking had just ever been. Nothing springs from me fully formed returned from an interfaith retreat, and he was like Athena from the mind of Zeus. Not stories, not telling us about his experience. He had unlocked a essays, not introductions—not even e-mails. It’s door within himself while chopping kale. This was always false starts, revisions, labor. before kale became the mainstream vegetable that It’s the same for this introduction. it is today, back when it was the tofu of table greens. Hippie food. I don’t teach very often, but when I do, I try to disabuse my students of the notion that ideas are Twenty years ago we still described people as precious. Ideas are plenty. You have tons of ideas “hippies.” Children of the ‘80s and ‘90s don’t every day, you just haven’t learned how to recognize understand who hippies were or what they meant. them yet. Ideas are not a limiting resource. Scarcity There’s a vague notion summed up by the “Hippie” comes in the form of time and courage. section of the dirt mall Halloween store. Weed buttons and round glasses and shit. I live in Time and courage are everything. Portland, so mostly weed. “Neil Gaiman once told me…” This is a “get off my lawn” digression, I know, but I’m Is that too name-droppy? Or does it lend a kind of nearly fifty years old and some things are inevitable. authority? Do I need it? I don’t know. I’ll leave it there I’m a little sorry about that and even more sorry to for now. proffer any defense of Baby Boomers, but I do feel the need to Gen X-plain that the hippie movement STEP 2. TRY TO FIND A PERSONAL our parents lived through wasn’t about Sex, Drugs CONNECTION TO THE MATERIAL YOU’RE and Rock ‘n’ Roll. The Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll INTRODUCING. LET YOURSELF THINK OUT were about the existential horror of Vietnam. LOUD ON THE PAGE. IF YOU NEED TO, YOU CAN EDIT LATER. EXPECT TO GET LOST. They were afraid. They were afraid, and so they tried to change their world. “Beginner’s Mind.” What they’ve done since? They’re on their own there. I first encountered the expression in high school, while reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle But I suspect the next generation, living with the Maintenance, I think. existential horror of climate change, will eventually look back at the hippies with more compassion and There was a secondhand bookshop on my understanding than any cohort since, including—and walk home, and I was in the habit of putting off especially—my own.