Oifistoplier Kitchens
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Oifistoplier Kitchens The Queen being upstaged by a dashing new prime minister, the auction of Princess Diana's frocks, and the publication of Kitty Kelley scandal-packed book—all are signs that the sun may be setting on the British monarchy bout once a week, I find my alize is that, without anyone's taking any foreign foes, and get their money from self drawn into an argument particular notice of the fact, Britain has the Royal Mint. But, as the great 19th- about the British monarchy. already become a republic. We live in the century critic William Cobbett once mor- I am an English republican, first, tentative days of post-monarchism. dantly observed, by some magic it's the and my opponents, as often Here are the three most recent proofs. Royal Mint and the National Debt.) Her as not, are American royal On May 14, there was the traditional Majesty arrived in a gilded coach drawn ists. But not even this pi "pomp and circumstance" of the State by horses. Meanwhile, the new prime quancy makes the arguments any less Opening of Parliament. This is the wildly minister, Tony Blair, and his barrister predictable. Would you really rather tradition-infested moment, beloved of wife, Cherie, dismounted from their offi have a boring old president? What about American tourists and London-based cial car and walked the remaining dis the magic and the fairy tale? Isn't the hacks, in which the Queen reads a speech tance to Parliament. The next day's press royal family good for tourism? Wouldn't from the throne in order to give permis showed the adoring crowds and the Britain be a dull backwater without the sion for her subjects to debate legislation. Union Jacks being deployed for the new, Windsors? These and other routines have (She uses the charming phrase "My Gov "vibrant" presidential couple, while the worn as smooth as an old 78-r.p.m. music ernment," just as the British employ the Queen looked gray and wrinkled and be disc, with about as many cracks and Royal Mail to send their letters, and are spectacled, and faintly absurd in a crown bumps and hisses. What people don't re defended by the Royal Air Force from as she peered at the paper she had been VA N t T Y FAIR SEPTEMBER 1997 given lo read. This was a (the only city in the world genuine upstaging, by dem where there are no plans to as- ocratic Britain, of tradition ii: publish the book). I have al Britain. It simply would eyewitness testimony to her not have been tried by any entering Kensington Palace- previous prime minister, residence of Princess Mar nor applauded by any pre garet—guards notwithstand vious mass audience. Tlie ing. Also lo her embracing intention of the new gov royal biographer Lady Long ernment is to give autono ford in the National Gallery. my to Scotland and Wales I know that she was invited and try for a final settle to the dinner of the republi ment in Northern Ireland, can "Common Sense" club, a which makes the whole def regtilar conclave of Establish inition of Britain as a mon ment anti-monarchists held in archy or "United King 4^ the rather fine L'Etoile res dom" rather iffy. Another taurant, and I also know that mandate of the Labourites is to abolish POWER TO THE PEOPLE: Surrounded she was the first person ever invited who the right of hereditary peers to vote in by adoring crowds. Prime Minister Tony Blair was permitted to take notes. the House of Lords. If enacted, this and his wife, Clierie, leave DowningStreet How much should I mind if Ms. Kel- would mean that the House of Windsor— for tiie State Opening of Pariiament. ley discloses that it took embarrassing of all dysfunctional families—was the sessions of artificial insemination to pro only family in the "kingdom" to enjoy ing Diana's name from the prayers em duce the present Queen and her sister, political privilege as a right of birth, It ployed in the Sunday services of the Margaret? (The then King, it was always sharply raises the inescapable question: If Church of England. Where once the whispered, was "not heir-conditioned.") heredity is an obviously absurd way to faithful were enjoined to pray for the heir Only a person who cared about blood pick lawmakers, how can it be justified in apparent and his spouse, they now had to lines and heredity could care, surely, the case of a single person as Head of intone only the dismal words "For about that or about the allegation that Slate, Head of the Church, and Com Charles, Prince of Wales." I daresay he the Queen Mother—our beloved Queen mander in Chief of the armed forces? can do with any solitary intercession. Mum—was born on the wrong side of \ (The Queen, if you like this sort of detail, This is what you get, he may gloomily re the blanket, product of an illicit union is the only colonel of a British regiment flect, when you found a royal house, and between the Earl of Strathmore and a to be married to another colonel.) a national church, on the divorce- lowly housemaid. Is it possible that Ms. centered family values of Henry VIII. Kelley possesses evidence of this same Asecond republican moment occurred But these are deep waters. For now, the Queen Mum's love letters to another a few weeks later in New York, when pointto keep youreye on is that the only chap? Can it really be the case that the Diana Spencer—the Artiste Formerly "magical" and "charismatic" member of Duchess of York—"Fergie" to you—was Known as H.R.H. Princess of Wales- the supposedly magical and charismatic treated for addiction to a substance held a sale of her frocks. This charitable royal family is not, for real purposes, a other than diet pills? Prince Philip's oc triumph followed closely upon her aston member of that family anymore, or at all. casional wanderings from the matrimo ishingly successful world tour urging the nial paddock are not denied even by banning of land mines. You may lake Di The third republican moment lies in the his staunches! defenders, but what of ana or leave her. All I can tell you is that immediate future. Kitty Kelley's book his tear-stained farewell gifts to the she laughed prettily on the one occasion The Royals, which extracted many mil woman he abandoned for the "dowdy" we were properly introduced. For all I lions from Time Warner, is due out in late Princess Elizabeth and the chance of a know, she may laugh prettily at every September. As Queen Elizabeth and royal match? How the hell—this was thing that is said to her. But she actually Prince Philipcelebrate 50 years of matri the talk of the Fleet Street bars—did laughed prettily when I said: "We repub mony, they will unwrap the Golden Wed Ms. Kelley get hold of memos from licans must stick together." She has done ding surprise of all time. We all feel our Nigel Dempster, courtier-journalist ex more, even if only by accident, to under selves jaded by scandal and disclosure traordinaire. telling his own publishers mine the idea of "the succession" than I about the Windsors. At least I think we to deep-six the memos on virginity test could ever have done by trying. Indeed, do. What could possibly improve on the ing for the royal princesses? Was by her devotion to her children, she has "Squidgy" tape or the "Tampax" files? Prince Edward's backstage name truly put the whole idea of "the succession" But I have spent some quality time tracing "Dockyard Doris"? (I had always been into doubt. The Queen retaliated last No Ms. Kelley's footsteps. I badgered some told it was "Barbara.") Tales of Princess vember by issuing a royal warrant remov- people in her lawyer's ofiice in London Margaret's offhand chauvinism are easy 122 VANITY FAIR SEPTEMBER 1997 to come by, but signed and elected group quaintly titled sealed depositions from the the Queen's Privy Council. Princess of Wales, in the (It might not sound so lawsuit she brought against quaint if it were called by the yellow press for print its proper English name, ing pictures of her private which would be the Secret moments in the exercise Council.) A republic could studio, are a much more not possibly make a greater rare commodity. I thought hash of matters than this. I was cynical enough, but a few miles spent walk ou can have scandals, ing behind Kitty Kelley's enjoyable or sordid. You investigative shoes, and can have a constitutional gleaning what I could of impasse. And you can have the harvest to come, left a crisis in the succession, me feeling, my dear, positively drained. ROYAL TROUBLE: Straight off the whereby nobody believes that the actual plane from his calamitous Munich meeting "next in line" is up to the "job." Butyou t used to be that the British people hap with Hitler, Prime Minister Neville cannot have any two of these at once, let pily kept two sets of books, as it were. Chamberiain and his wife, center, were alone all three. No longer is the onus on In one book—the book containing fra greeted by King Geoit^e and Queen Bizabeih the republicans to prove their case. It s (now the Queen Mother), on the balcony grant pressed flowers and national keep the monarchists who have to answer the of Buckingham Palace, September 30,1938.