Oifistoplier Kitchens

The Queen being upstaged by a dashing new prime minister, the auction of Princess Diana's frocks, and the publication of Kitty Kelley scandal-packed book—all are signs that the sun may be setting on the British monarchy

bout once a week, I find my alize is that, without anyone's taking any foreign foes, and get their money from self drawn into an argument particular notice of the fact, Britain has the Royal Mint. But, as the great 19th- about the British monarchy. already become a republic. We live in the century critic William Cobbett once mor- I am an English republican, first, tentative days of post-monarchism. dantly observed, by some magic it's the and my opponents, as often Here are the three most recent proofs. Royal Mint and the National Debt.) Her as not, are American royal On May 14, there was the traditional Majesty arrived in a gilded coach drawn ists. But not even this pi "pomp and circumstance" of the State by horses. Meanwhile, the new prime quancy makes the arguments any less Opening of Parliament. This is the wildly minister, , and his barrister predictable. Would you really rather tradition-infested moment, beloved of wife, Cherie, dismounted from their offi have a boring old president? What about American tourists and -based cial car and walked the remaining dis the magic and the fairy tale? Isn't the hacks, in which the Queen reads a speech tance to Parliament. The next day's press royal family good for tourism? Wouldn't from the throne in order to give permis showed the adoring crowds and the Britain be a dull backwater without the sion for her subjects to debate legislation. Union Jacks being deployed for the new, Windsors? These and other routines have (She uses the charming phrase "My Gov "vibrant" presidential couple, while the worn as smooth as an old 78-r.p.m. music ernment," just as the British employ the Queen looked gray and wrinkled and be disc, with about as many cracks and Royal Mail to send their letters, and are spectacled, and faintly absurd in a crown bumps and hisses. What people don't re defended by the Royal Air Force from as she peered at the paper she had been

VA N t T Y FAIR SEPTEMBER 1997 given lo read. This was a (the only city in the world genuine upstaging, by dem where there are no plans to as- ocratic Britain, of tradition ii: publish the book). I have al Britain. It simply would eyewitness testimony to her not have been tried by any entering - previous prime minister, residence of Princess Mar nor applauded by any pre garet—guards notwithstand vious mass audience. Tlie ing. Also lo her embracing intention of the new gov royal biographer Lady Long ernment is to give autono ford in the National Gallery. my to Scotland and Wales I know that she was invited and try for a final settle to the dinner of the republi ment in Northern Ireland, can "Common Sense" club, a which makes the whole def regtilar conclave of Establish inition of Britain as a mon ment anti-monarchists held in archy or "United King 4^ the rather fine L'Etoile res dom" rather iffy. Another taurant, and I also know that mandate of the Labourites is to abolish POWER TO THE PEOPLE: Surrounded she was the first person ever invited who the right of hereditary peers to vote in by adoring crowds. Prime Minister Tony Blair was permitted to take notes. the House of Lords. If enacted, this and his wife, Clierie, leave DowningStreet How much should I mind if Ms. Kel- would mean that the — for tiie State Opening of Pariiament. ley discloses that it took embarrassing of all dysfunctional families—was the sessions of artificial insemination to pro only family in the "kingdom" to enjoy ing Diana's name from the prayers em duce the present Queen and her sister, political privilege as a right of birth, It ployed in the Sunday services of the Margaret? (The then King, it was always sharply raises the inescapable question: If . Where once the whispered, was "not heir-conditioned.") heredity is an obviously absurd way to faithful were enjoined to pray for the heir Only a person who cared about blood pick lawmakers, how can it be justified in apparent and his spouse, they now had to lines and heredity could care, surely, the case of a single person as Head of intone only the dismal words "For about that or about the allegation that Slate, Head of the Church, and Com Charles, Prince of Wales." I daresay he the Queen Mother—our beloved Queen mander in Chief of the armed forces? can do with any solitary intercession. Mum—was born on the wrong side of \ (The Queen, if you like this sort of detail, This is what you get, he may gloomily re the blanket, product of an illicit union is the only colonel of a British regiment flect, when you found a royal house, and between the Earl of Strathmore and a to be married to another colonel.) a national church, on the - lowly housemaid. Is it possible that Ms. centered family values of Henry VIII. Kelley possesses evidence of this same Asecond republican moment occurred But these are deep waters. For now, the Queen Mum's love letters to another a few weeks later in New York, when pointto keep youreye on is that the only chap? Can it really be the case that the Diana Spencer—the Artiste Formerly "magical" and "charismatic" member of Duchess of York—"Fergie" to you—was Known as H.R.H. Princess of Wales- the supposedly magical and charismatic treated for addiction to a substance held a sale of her frocks. This charitable royal family is not, for real purposes, a other than diet pills? Prince Philip's oc triumph followed closely upon her aston member of that family anymore, or at all. casional wanderings from the matrimo ishingly successful world tour urging the nial paddock are not denied even by banning of land mines. You may lake Di The third republican moment lies in the his staunches! defenders, but what of ana or leave her. All I can tell you is that immediate future. Kitty Kelley's book his tear-stained farewell gifts to the she laughed prettily on the one occasion The Royals, which extracted many mil woman he abandoned for the "dowdy" we were properly introduced. For all I lions from Time Warner, is due out in late Princess Elizabeth and the chance of a know, she may laugh prettily at every September. As Queen Elizabeth and royal match? How the hell—this was thing that is said to her. But she actually Prince Philipcelebrate 50 years of matri the talk of the Fleet Street bars—did laughed prettily when I said: "We repub mony, they will unwrap the Golden Wed Ms. Kelley get hold of memos from licans must stick together." She has done ding surprise of all time. We all feel our Nigel Dempster, courtier-journalist ex more, even if only by accident, to under selves jaded by scandal and disclosure traordinaire. telling his own publishers mine the idea of "the succession" than I about the Windsors. At least I think we to deep-six the memos on virginity test could ever have done by trying. Indeed, do. What could possibly improve on the ing for the royal princesses? Was by her devotion to her children, she has "Squidgy" tape or the "Tampax" files? Prince Edward's backstage name truly put the whole idea of "the succession" But I have spent some quality time tracing "Dockyard Doris"? (I had always been into doubt. The Queen retaliated last No Ms. Kelley's footsteps. I badgered some told it was "Barbara.") Tales of Princess vember by issuing a royal warrant remov- people in her lawyer's ofiice in London Margaret's offhand chauvinism are easy

122 VANITY FAIR SEPTEMBER 1997 to come by, but signed and elected group quaintly titled sealed depositions from the the Queen's Privy Council. Princess of Wales, in the (It might not sound so lawsuit she brought against quaint if it were called by the yellow press for print its proper English name, ing pictures of her private which would be the Secret moments in the exercise Council.) A republic could studio, are a much more not possibly make a greater rare commodity. I thought hash of matters than this. I was cynical enough, but a few miles spent walk ou can have scandals, ing behind Kitty Kelley's enjoyable or sordid. You investigative shoes, and can have a constitutional gleaning what I could of impasse. And you can have the harvest to come, left a crisis in the succession, me feeling, my dear, positively drained. ROYAL TROUBLE: Straight off the whereby nobody believes that the actual plane from his calamitous Munich meeting "next in line" is up to the "job." Butyou t used to be that the British people hap with Hitler, Prime Minister Neville cannot have any two of these at once, let pily kept two sets of books, as it were. Chamberiain and his wife, center, were alone all three. No longer is the onus on In one book—the book containing fra greeted by King Geoit^e and Queen Bizabeih the republicans to prove their case. It s (now the Queen Mother), on the balcony grant pressed flowers and national keep the monarchists who have to answer the of Buckingham Palace, September 30,1938. sakes—the Queen Mother was the radiant question: What happens when the Queen grandma and the woman who had braved drops off the twig? Prince Charles, who Hitler's blitz by staying at the King's side people would take the news placidly has gone stale well before his time (he in Buckingham Palace during the "dark enough—as if it were true but as if it looked, at the Hong Kong handover, like days." In the other book, you could read made no difference. It was a bit like a monkey on a stick), would be King of if you chose about how she and the same talking to victims of the Kennedy "dy about 10 percent of the population and King had welcomed Neville Chamberlain nasty" cult in the United States, and straight from the plane back from Mu of nobody who was his own age. He telling them about the lobotomization of would also awaken his own church's ar nich, and invited him onto the balcony of the missing sister by Joseph Kennedy that same Buckingham Palace in order to chaic neurosis concerning royal divorce, Sr. They heard, but they didn't listen. and awaken it twiceif he married Camil give a royal stamp of approval to ap The period of double bookkeeping is peasement before Chamberlain went to la Parker Bowles, faithless ex-wife of Sil effectively over (as it is, I hope and sus ver Stick in Waiting. His sons are too Parliament to face the condemnation of pect, for the Kennedys too). An accumu the Labour Party and Winston Churchill. lation of shabby stories, about everything young and have not been raised for the I have pictures of this moment on my from family nightmares to tax evasion, "job," and must have heard their father wall. It has been weakly described by Es has descended upon "the royals" just at say, which he did on prime-time televi tablishment historian John Grigg as "the the moment when their hereditary "line" sion, that he never loved their mother. (I most unconstitutional act by a British has run out ofgenes and just at the lime always thought "fairy tale" was exactly Sovereign in the present century." when social and institutional changes the right term for that marriage.) Or again, you could know if you make them more of a grit than a lubri The glory has departed. As Thomas chose that Katherine and Nerissa Bowes- cant in the machinery ofpolitics. What is Paine, the great English republican and Lyon, two cousins of the current the unspoken obstacle that prevents re moral author of the Declaration of In Queen's and nieces ofthe Queen Moth dependence, phrased it, the monarchy er's, had been secretly confined in a form of the Lords, inhibits British inte has become "something kept behind a mental hospital three years after Mu gration into Europe (with its Convention curtain, about which there is a great nich. The exact nature of their mental on Human Rights), and blocks the de deal ofbustle and fuss, and a wonderful incapacity is still a secret but was cer mand for self-government for Scotland air of seeming solemnity; but when by tainly not terminal. Nonetheless, false Wales, and Ireland? The obstacle is the any accident, the curtain happens to news of their deaths was announced in pnnciple and practice of the Royal Pre open, and the company see what it is, Burke's Peerage, almanac of British ge rogative, whereby British people are sub they burst into laughter." Or, one miglit nealogy, in 1963. Yet they were not jects, not citizens, and whereby they have add, into tears. Prince Philip's threat dead, and their covert incarceration last no written rights or formal constitution, and whereby their country itself isnamed ened lawsuit against Kitty Kelley will ed a quarter-century after they had been after a , me supreme noffical not prevent her book from '"'"8being circu- airbrushed from the family tree. I found, body in the realm, made up of specially iects writing about this years ago, that many sworn members of both houses, is an un- proof rf wSr" ^ piwui U1 weaxness, continued on pace 131 I VANITY FAIR

SEPTBMBER 1997 m

STANDING ON CEREMONY On June 14, Queen Elizabetli celebrated her official birthday—though not her actual birthday, which Is April 21—surrounded by royal fomily and friends, from left, Prince Edward, Princess Michael of Kent, LadyGabriella Windsor, Prince Philip, Grand Duke Jean of Luxembourg, the Qu Mother, the Duke of Kent, the Duche^ of Kent, and Prince Charles. 5>;

coNTrsuEi) [ROM pAcil: i:i. not Strength. outgrow them. Indeed, one of them might visitors there, and the schoolchildren too. The saloon-bar standby "Whaddaya make a very good president. .. Tell them the story. By that time, with want? President Thatclicr?" iiiis worn des any luck, the will no longer be perately thin. Never mind that President hate the tourist trade, which has turned sitting in the House of Lords or enjoying Mary Robinson and President Richard largetracts of beautiful England into a state patronage, so there will be more von Weizsacker and President Vaclav mediocre royalist theme park, so I room in the Abbey for the essentials. Havel and President Nelson Mandela don't give a damn if it suffers. But I re have recently set a standard that few sent the insulting suggestion that the •he British have a great republican tra presidents and no monarchs could rival. British have nothing else to offer foreign dition. They lead, for all practical pur Presidency can give you George Wash visitors, and nothing else in which to poses, republican lives. Their society ington (who refused a crown) or Rich take pride. Here is my proposal: In is increasingly multicultural within and ard Nixon (who was caught trying one Westminster Abbey there are two shrines. increasingly European without. They feel on). But monarchy, by its reliance on One is the burial place of a long line of less and less need for what Thomas Jef heredity, guarantees absurdity and recur monarchs, many of them in their life ferson called "the false glare which sur rent succession crises. In Britain, it has times either deplorably spattered with rounds kingly government." Some years reached a pass where it simply has to be blood or regrettably flecked with drool. ago, there was a hugely successful book replaced in one way or another. The other is Poets' Corner, with its called DreamsAbout H.M. the Queen. In Look at young Prince William, He plaques and busts and window dedicat its pages, ordinary subjects confirmed seems like a nice boy. Who, knowing ed to imperishable writers. English and that they often had vivid dreams about a what they now know, would want to see Anglo-Irish literature has a splendorand sudden encounter with royally. It was all him sequestered in the gloomy, loveless continuity that make the royals look very touching, and confirmed the role of world of the Hanoverian court, compelled shabby. (And many of itsgreatest lights- monarchy in the national fantasy life. But to exhaust his youthin the taskof waiting Milton, Blake, Wordsworth, Burns, Shel the book contained a warning. The for somebody to die? The maintenance ley. Wilde, Joyce. Hazlitt, Orwell—were dream, it cautioned, is not about the of the monarchy has become a form of republicans. So are most of the contem Queen. It is about you. In recent years, human sacrifice. But, just as peers, who porary British writers worthy of the so my friends tell me, royal dreams have are now barred by law from running for name.) Merely shift the Abbey's center been tapering ofT and becoming less in office, will be free to do so when their of gravity. Make the national letters the tense. And peopleare waking in surprise, privileges are removed, so the Windsors object of pride and reverence, and of to find that the ghosts have fled and that will be emancipated when their subjects course debate and disputation, Take the their dreams have turned democratic. •

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