Pizzagate V2
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Cold Open: What the Hell is Pizzagate? It’s a detailed conspiracy theory claiming that a pedophile ring - a Satanic pedophile ring is was being run out of a Hillary Clinton-linked Washington D.C. pizzeria called Comet Ping Pong. Seriously. In the fall of 2016, the personal email account of John Podesta, Hillary Clinton's Presidential 67 year old campaign manager, was hacked and his emails were made public by WikiLeaks. Proponents of the Pizzagate theory claimed that these emails contained coded messages, messages that once DE-coded - clearly were referring to human sex trafficking and a dark connection between Comet Ping Pong, other D.C. restaurants, and high-ranking members of the Democratic Party and their disgusting, wealthy liberal-elite friends with a pedophile child-sex ring. Liberal political elites taking kids to pizza place basements to molest them! Because, you know, that’s why you get into politics in the first place. To eventually be able to finger nine year old sex slaves in D.C. Pizzerias. It turns out that’s the liberal agenda I’ve heard referred to my whole life! I’ve heard that term tossed around forever and no one’s been able to conclusively tell me what the agenda is - turns out, it’s pedophilia. They want to take away our guns so we can’t shoot ‘em when they diddle our kids! Those fuckers! Those demons! Get the Hell out of here. In the leaked emails, it was believed by many, for example, that “cheese pizza” was code for “child pornography.” Get it? Same initials so it must be true. CP. Gotta be careful now when you tell you people you’re really into cheese pizza. Gotta be careful when you tell people you can’t get enough cheese pizza. You love cheese pizza so much. Nothing makes your harder or wetter than a slice of sexy ass cheese pizza. This utter, unsubstantiated nonsense led to a 28 year old North Carolina man, Edgar Maddison Welch, firing a rifle into Comet Ping Pong on Dec. 4th, 2016, in attempt to rescue kids he believed were being held captive, molested, and raped in the pizza place’s basement. Thank God he didn’t hit anyone. Comet Ping Pong, by the way, has no basement!! Edgar was sentenced to four years in prison this past June after pleading guilty to assault with a dangerous weapon and transporting a firearm over state lines. And I feel like he got off easy. A December 2016 poll conducted by Public Policy Polling asked registered voters if they thought Hillary Clinton was "connected to a child sex ring being run out of a pizzeria in Washington DC?" 9% said that they did believe she was connected and 19% were not sure. So, you know, a third of the people polled either thought that Hilary was definitely a sexual predator or definitely could be, even though no serious, credible allegation concerning anything even remotely tied to pedophilia has ever been made against her. Also on December 4, Alex Jones and his slanderous shit show - infowars.com, uploaded a YouTube video that linked Pizzagate to the November 13th death of a sex-worker-rights activist. The video falsely claimed that she had been investigating a link between the Clinton Foundation and human trafficking in Haiti and it speculated that she had been murdered in connection with her investigation. According to the activist's former employer, her family and her friends, her death was in fact a suicide and she was not investigating the Clinton Foundation. In March of 2017 Alex Jones retracted his pizza gate death accusations to avoid prosecution for libel. I personally remember, right around this same time, overhearing a woman on a plane I happened to be on ranting about the Clintons molesting kids on some crazy pedophile island as if it were a documented fact. Such a horrific accusation to pass along that was perpetuated by people whom all shared one thing in common- none of them knew what the fuck they were talking about!! Not everything on the web is true people. Wish more humans understood that. So how do these whackadoodle conspiracies get started? Why do they get started? Why the fuck do so many people believe this intellectually insulting drivel? The evolution and accusations of the pizza gate scandal examined and culture of U.S. anti-intellectualism and “fake news” pondered in this of Timesuck that really is one big edition of Idiots of the Internet. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I. Welcome: What’s going on Timesuckers! Hello Cult of the Curious. Hi- dy Ho people open to new ideas. People who don’t necessarily agree with me but listen anyway because you’re not afraid to disagree with someone, knowing their not gonna threaten or change you in ways you don’t want them to. I’m Dan Cummins aka Suckius Maxiumus Mundi, Suckmaster Supreme, Walks With Bojangles, Prophet of Nimrod, Cult Leader Cummins, and whatever else you’ve felt like referring to me lately. And this is Timesuck. HAIL NIMROD! Some tour date announcements and then we’re on to Pizza Gate! All other announcements, including the fact that the first generation of the Timesuck App is available RIGHT NOW in the Android and Apple App stores - whoo hoo!!! - pause this now, download the app and listen to it there. More details at the end of the episode! Huge thanks to all the Timesuckers who came to Dr Grins in Grand Rapids MI this past weekend. So many! Had a blast with you guys. Thanks for letting me work out a few brand new bits and for hearing some old ones. Working on a getting a live Timesuck show set up in Grand Rapids now. Can’t wait to figure out that date and let you know. Not sure when it will happen but sure it will happen in 2018. This weekend I’ll be the St Louis Funny Bone in St Louis Missouri in the Westport Plaza. Hope to see Timesuckers there! December 7-10. The following week I will be in APPLETON Wisconsin - one night only, on December 13th at the Skyline Comedy Club. And then I’ll be at Comedy Club on State in Madison, Wisconsin December 14-16. Rounding out the year at Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, December 28 through New Year’s Eve. And 2018 tour dates being posted at www.dancummins.tv and timesuckpodcast.com such as: Indianapolis !! Morty’s Comedy Joint January 5th and 6th. Providence, RI - The Comedy Connection January 19-20th. Chicopee, MA - Cabot Comedy Club Jan 21st Philadelphia! I’ll be at The Punchline January 25-27th. And so many more cities. Baltimore, Chicago, NYC, Minneapolis. Two live podcasts now on the books for 2018!!! Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on March 3rd. Only $10 tickets for that podcast. Those aren’t quite on sale yet but you’ll know soon. I’ll announce first on Instagram. Small room - only 90 seats. And I’ll be doing standup shows there March 2nd and the 3rd as well. And the Small Town Murder swap cast in Detroit on Feb. 16th, 2018 at the Magic Bag is happening! Thanks for pre-buying those tickets to the stand up show. Live swap cast podcast tickets go on sale tomorrow. Two shows now in one night - standup at 7PM, and I believe the swap cast will start at 10PM. Again, those details tomorrow. Ticket links in the episode description. And now…Pizza Gate. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE II. Pizza Gate Origin. A. Original Facebook Post: The original Pizzagate Facebook post appeared on the evening of October 29th, 2016, a day after then-FBI Director James Comey announced that the bureau would be reopening its investigation into Clinton's use of a private e-mail server while she was secretary of state. Normally I'd do a Timesuck Timeline for something like this, but, the dates are going to bounce around so much it doesn’t quite make sense. Data from Hilary’s private e-mail server had been found on electronics belonging to former Rep. Anthony Weiner - husband of Clinton's close aide Huma Abedin (“Who-ma Abba-dean”) and he of the numerous sexting and infidelity scandals - the dude named Weiner who can’t seem to keep his weiner in his pants and away from cell phone cameras. The dude who seems to have a life self- destruct button on his dick. Weiner, then 51 years old, had been caught texting lewd messages to a 15-year-old. So gross. Well, on Facebook, user Carmen Katz wrote, "My NYPD source said its much more vile and serious than classified material on Weiner's device. The email DETAIL the trips made by Weiner, Bill and Hillary on their pedophile billionaire friend's plane, the Lolita Express. Yup, Hillary has a well documented predilection for underage girls. We're talking an international child enslavement and sex ring.” Okay. Pretty hefty accusations here. So - what is Carmen talking about? Let’s break it down. 1. Lolita Express: The “Lolita Express” referred to here is the private plane of billionaire financier and philanthropist Jeffrey Epstein. And, in addition to the Clintons, Trump, Kevin Spacey, Stephen Hawking, Prince Andrew, Naomi Campbell and others have flown on it, some numerous times. Epstein has a private island in St. Thomas that has been referred to as an “orgy island”. Author James Patterson even wrote a book about Epstein and his island in 2016 called “Filthy Rich: A Powerful Billionaire, the Sex Scandal that Undid Him, and All the Justice that Money Can Buy - The Shocking True Story of Jeffrey Epstein” And, make no mistake, Epstein IS a piece of shit.