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Home , Jonathan Winters, List of Conan sketches

SKETCH PACK

Written by

Joe DeLuca

[email protected] 646-322-5561 SECTION #1. CELEBRITY TRENDS Celebrity Twitter Trends 1. #Christmastime: Jamie Lee Curtis tweets: Is time at home with my immediate family. Ryan Reynolds TWEETS: I take a break from working out. tweets: Is when I publicly simulate sex with an oversized candy cane. 2. #Charitablecauses: Bono tweets: Are my responsibility as an artist and as a human being. Meryl Streep tweets: Are as important as anything else I do. tweets: Can be an effective way to reduce parole time. 3. #Summerisover: Ron Howard Tweets: Back on location. Gwyneth Paltrow tweets: Practicing yoga 5 days a week. Fred Willard tweets: Back to masturbating in movie theatres. 4. #Afghanistanpolicy: George Clooney tweets: There have been warring factions there for two millennia. tweets: There is no rational group that can assume power. McCauley Culkin tweets: Is super tricky. Their opium prices have become really unstable. 5. #Newtechnology: Sergey Brin tweets: #Google Glass. Steven Hawking tweets: Intel's Facial Movement Recognition Voice Simulator. Larry King tweets: #Fire. 6. #OscarsTribute: Edie Falco tweets: James Gandolfini tweets: Jonathan Winters tweets: Ed Asner. Wait. Am I still alive? 2.

SECTION #2. NEWS FORMAT JOKES 2013 must have been a disappointing year for Toronto mayor Rob Ford; a generic Google search of his name yields a “RELATED SEARCHES - ROB FORD CRACK” result... unless, of course, he’s trying to sell crack. In which case he’s winning valuable market share from the first crack dealer found in the Toronto Yellow Pages, A-1 Crack Dealers. Turns out my Elf-on-the-Shelf was Macaulay Culkin. Would someone come get him please? Fifteen years after its release, Warner Brothers is considering updating The Matrix. In this more current version, humans give the sentient machines energy and live virtual lives through incessantly staring at their iPhones. I'm not saying healthcare.gov security is lax, but when Lindsay Lohan input her history of sex addiction she immediately got 142 "Likes". Still, while Obama acknowledges problems with the health-law website, he reminds users to click on its new ‘Grumpy Cat’ link. Michael Douglass used his Emmy win to demand visitation rights with his son in prison. Prison officials have said that they aren’t so worried about his son’s drug recidivism, but rather were concerned about the risk that Douglass spread cancer to other inmates when forced to perform oral sex on them. Douglass did somewhat recant his statement regarding Catherine Zeta Jones. He said that HE didn’t get throat cancer from oral sex. He just really wanted George Clooney to stop performing oral sex on his wife. (MORE) 3. (CONT'D) [Photo from the movie, Planes!] The Justice Department blocked a proposed merger between U.S. Air and American Airlines on the grounds that the merger would make it, “easier for the remaining airlines to cooperate, rather than compete, on price and service.” A visibly annoyed Tom Horton, American Airline president, responded, "We’re currently bankrupt, with $12 billion in debt that we can’t hope to repay. Do you seriously think that service is going to get worse? Seriously, have you flown lately? It’s like being on a Nigerian ferry with wings.” Scientists in Britain determined that the sheer volume of alcohol consumed by James Bond over the 14 books in the series would have killed him. No word yet on the health impact of Bond being shot over four thousand times throughout the series. It’s official, Maroon5 front-man Adam Levine is People’s Sexiest Man Alive. Thomas Alva Edison tops their Sexiest Man Dead list for the 82nd year in a row. The makers of Red Bull Energy Drink pulled an abrupt about-face yesterday when they discontinued their new slogan, “Red Bull, it tastes exactly like C-3PO’s anus.” Wesley Warren, the man with the 132 pound scrotum, is suing his doctors for leaving him after surgery with a two-inch penis. I can say from experience, it’s a LOT easier to ‘sell’ a 2 inch penis than a 132 pound scrotum.

(MORE) 4. (CONT'D) It’s official. The City of Detroit is now bankrupt. This passes for news I guess. It’s about as surprising as when your college buddy -- the one who’s been sleeping on your couch and hasn’t held down a job since school -- get’s denied a small business loan for his fighting robot franchise. Weird Al Yankovic is playing a concert tonight in Detroit. He says he hopes that it will help the people of the city through rough times. Yeah Al, I’m sure the family of five living in the church basement is going to feel all better when they hear your timeless rendition of “”. This just in, 9-year-olds at my house just assumed that discarded juicebox straw wrappers disappear to the same magical land as smoker's cigarette butts. Hillary Clinton has opened a twitter account. That’s actually not the joke. So her first tweet was somewhat controversial because she lists herself as a wife and mother ahead of her position as Secretary of State. But what I find more amazing is that her next six tweets start a war with Amanda Bynes. Crazy! Amanda Bynes is saying that pantsuits are ‘ugly’. Making matters even more uncomfortable, Bill Clinton keeps retweeting and ‘favoriting’ Bynes’ comments. After a final effort to stay competitive in the smart-phone market failed, Blackberry announced that it sold itself to Fairfax Holdings, a private equity firm . When asked why they bought Blackberry, which has sold fewer mobile devices ALL YEAR than the 9 million iPhones sold this weekend, a befuddled Fairfax executive responded, “Tell me more about this iPhone?” (MORE) 5. (CONT'D) In entertainment news, Dancing with the Stars announced today that Joey Lawrence will be part of their 2014 lineup. In a related story, producers received a court order today demanding they change the name of the popular series to ‘Dancing With People You Might Be Vaguely Aware Of’. In Mexico this week a man who thought he was buying toy poodles later discovered that they were actually ferrets that had been raised on massive amounts of steroids [photo of steriod-addled ferrets]. I don’t see the problem here? Do you really care about the animals DNA? They are mammals that you had initially found attractive. Frankly, toy poodles are a dime a dozen, but bring these babies home for your kids and it’s a conversation for years to come. In a related story, the ferret was signed this week to play third base for the injury-prone New York Yankees [photo of Alex Rodriguez]. 6.

SECTION #3. THANK YOU NOTES

1. Thank you, to People Magazine for letting me know who's sexy. Without your thoughtful analysis, I'd have to figure out who to masturbate to on my own.

2. Thank you, Space Aliens, for not using your advanced monitoring technology to watch me masturbate [photo of disturbed alien].

3. Thank you, Wikipedia, for making me appear incredibly well- educated to any with whom I have email correspondence.

4. Thank you corn, for reminding me that I had you for dinner. And thank you asparagus, for being less pushy about it.

5. Thank you, Hotmail. Because of you, I can still receive helpful ads about cheap insurance, affordable boating accessories and discreet penis enlargement.

6. Thank you, Alf, [Photo of Alf] for reminding us why Yoda and O’Brian shouldn’t mate [photo of Yoda and Conan]. 7. Thank you untucked dress shirt fad [photo from any catalog]. Now middle aged men can hide their paunch and, more importantly, their age by not letting on how high they wear their pants [photo of middle aged man with pants pulled up to his nipples]. 8. Thank you, soccer players who constantly fake injuries in games. Your shameless flopping and makes my chosen sport, ping pong, look tough. 7.

9. Thank you, Eiffel Tower, for giving the men of Paris a reason to act cranky and insecure [photo of Eiffel Tower over Paris skyline].

10. Thank you, Justin Bieber, for showing people everywhere that scrawny, weak guys can start senseless bar fights too.

11. Thank you, iPhone, for ensuring that I never again have to make eye contact with a person on the sidewalk in .

12. Thank you, Weird Al Yankovic, for teaching me that removing one letter from the Phrase, ‘Beat It’ can pass for a clever, multi- million dollar song parody.

13. Thank you, Mario and Luigi, for reminding us that their are successful Italian-American role models that have never been to the Jersey Shore [photo of Mario, Luigi and Snooki].

14. Thank you, Bob Filner, for broadening the meaning of being “a hugger” [photo of Bob Filner]. And thank you, by the way, for looking exactly like the Grinch [photo from 1966 TV short]. 8.

SECTION #4. SKETCH - WEIRD INTERVIEW 1

INT. OFFICE. DAY. Camera moves to door. An attractive assistant brings in Mr. Marcus. Mr. Marcus is a regular suit guy.

ASSISTANT This is Mr. Marcus. And Mr. Marcus, I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Mr. Farrell. MARCUS Hi! Nice to meet you. I’m really thrilled that you decided to bring me in. Marcus extends his hand towards the camera to shake hands. No one takes his hand, so after an awkward beat, he sits. CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE. DAY. Mr. Farrell is a tall confident looking executive. FARRELL (staring down at resume) So you're Charlton Marcus? MARCUS It’s Charles Marcus. FARRELL Oh, the resume says Charlton. MARCUS looks confused. FARRELL (CONT’D) (holding up resume) Is this you? MARCUS Uh, yes. Sorry for any confusion. FARRELL Chaz, I like to run interviews a little differently. I ask questions that try to learn more about you than just your experience. (MORE) 9. FARRELL (CONT'D) So let’s just agree that you’re a top notch stock analyst. MARCUS I’m a currency trader. FARRELL I understand that this can be a little uncomfortable, but let’s not be so defensive. MARCUS It’s not that. I just wanted to make sure... FARRELL (patronizing) Okay. Okay. Let me do the interview. Yes? MARCUS Great. FARRELL Okay. This will be fun. Just trust me. So why do you think it is that manhole covers are round? MARCUS (smiling - finally relaxing) Well, I must confess, I’ve heard this one before. FARRELL No you haven’t. I made this one up. MARCUS Of course. Manhole covers are round, because a perfect circle will not fit through a slightly smaller circle. In other words, no matter how you angle a manhole cover, it can’t fall through to the sewer. It’s a simple, enduring solution. FARRELL Agree to disagree. MARCUS (somewhat raising eyebrows involuntarily) (MORE) 10. MARCUS (CONT'D) You’re saying that manhole covers can fall through? FARRELL Of course they can. It’s the oldest gag in the book. That’s why people are always falling through manholes in the movies. MARCUS I don’t think that happens in real life. I think you’re thinking of cartoon ducks. FARRELL Again, don’t get defensive. It’s okay to give a wrong answer here. MARCUS I wasn’t... FARRELL It’s okay. Let’s move on. (looking at his notes) What is your view on the Jewish Question. MARCUS (flabbergasted) The what? FARRELL Let me put it differently. Why don’t you propose your solution to the Jewish Question. Or the Jewish (air quotes) Problem. MARCUS I have no idea where you’re going with this. Do you mean the trouble in the Middle East? FARRELL Hmmm. Going in a different direction, eh? (making a note) Defensive. MARCUS I’m not being defensive. I just want to know how you mean that. Are you against Jews? Are you against the state of Israel? 11.

FARRELL (noting, under his breath) Zionist. No, this is completely open to interpretation. How about this? Should a woman be able to perform an abortion? MARCUS Should a woman doctor be allowed to perform an abortion? Yes. Women can be doctors and abortion is legal. FARRELL Should a woman securities analyst be allowed to perform an illegal abortion in month 9? MARCUS I don’t think it’s a good idea for any non-doctor to perform surgery. No. FARRELL (noting) Takes umbrage with Roe vs. Wade. MARCUS Please wait. FARRELL (continuing) Why do you think you’re so great? MARCUS I don’t think I’m especially great. What’s happening here? FARRELL (reading from resume) Your resume seems to suggest it. It says it right there on your curriculum vitae. Hottest thing since the Hadean Eon. MARCUS (objecting) I’m quite sure it doesn’t say that on my resume. FARRELL How many girls did you kiss in Eighth Grade? 12.

MARCUS I don’t know. One or two. FARRELL Why such a low number? MARCUS I don’t know. I don’t know. Is this all absolutely necessary. I was told this was a pure execution job. Get the instructions from the portfolio managers and do the trades. FARRELL Yeah. I don’t really know that much about it. I’m just here to administer the drug test. Do you mind peeing in this cup? FARRELL dumps his Styrofoam coffee cup in the trash and slides it across the table to MARCUS, who looks absolutely horrified. MARCUS If you think I’m going to urinate in your coffee cup. FARRELL They kind of insist that I watch. There have been cases when people have brought fake pee to interviews. MARCUS Okay, I was not told that there would be a drug test, and I’m certainly not peeing into your coffee cup. FARRELL Do you want to try some Golden Seal Tea and try again in a half an hour? MARCUS This is crazy. FARRELL Would you be more comfortable pooing? I can get you something to poo in. 13.

FARRELL vaguely eyes a plastic IN box and MARCUS can’t help but look at the tray as well. MARCUS (getting up) I’m done. MARCUS storms out. ASSISTANT walks into the room looking concerned. ASSISTANT Mr. Farrell, is everything alright? FARRELL Yes. He really is an odd little man. ASSISTANT (shaking her head) Aren’t they all.

END 14.

SECTION #5. SKETCH - WEINER AND THE EXTRATERRESTRIALS ALIEN LEADER ALIEN #1, GUTHNAR ALIEN #2, FLEEB

ESTABLISHMENT SHOT: INTERIOR SPACESHIP. ALIEN LEADER STANDS UP TO GREET OTHER STEREOTYPICAL ALIENS ENTERING ROOM. ALIEN LEADER Guthnar, Fleeb, how is our monitoring program going? Have we found an exceptional earthling with whom to establish an official dialogue with this world? [ALIEN #1 and ALIEN #2 look at each other nervously] ALIEN #1 We’ve been monitoring an American politician for weeks... ALIEN LEADER (excitedly) And is he highly intelligent? ALIEN #2 He is. He exhibits an unusually high IQ. ALIEN LEADER And does he care deeply about his constituents? ALIEN #1 He does. He works tirelessly for them. ALIEN LEADER And he devotes all of his limited free time to his family. ALIEN #2 (hesitating) You would think. ALIEN LEADER (concerned) Is he not a peaceful man? 15.

ALIEN #2 He’s a pacifist. But something has come up in our routine collection of all earthly data and communications. ALIEN LEADER (interrupts) What? I didn’t know anyone was reviewing the history of web searches and internet activity. I thought we were only collecting that data in case we needed it later during a conflict! [All three aliens pause for an awkward beat] ALL Ha, ha, ha, ha! ALIEN LEADER So what came up? ALIEN #1 He frequently and habitually sends photographs of his sex organs to his female constituents. ALIEN LEADER Odd? Perhaps this person is his sex organ doctor? ALIEN #2 (hesitating) You would think. ALIEN #1 We thought of that. But, no. There are many constituents and many, many photos. His sexual organ appears healthy as far as we can tell. Moreover, these constituents do not seem suited to be earth doctors based on our intelligence and education scans. In fact, these recipients appear more suited to become pornographers. ALIEN #2 Sometimes the photos are taken of his sex organ inside his sex-organ- containment garments. 16.

ALIEN LEADER Boxers or tighty-whities? ALIENS #1 AND #2 Marky Marks. ALIEN LEADER (nodding knowingly) Marky Marks. They are most flattering. ALIEN #1 It’s not just the production and distribution of sex organ photographs. He is also quite prolific with his self pleasuring. ALIEN LEADER Ah yes. It’s the most embarrassing part of visually monitoring these indigenous species. The weekly masturbation! Just part of the job, I’m afraid. When we gave the great Gore the internet, we knew that its use would keep the earthlings docile. [ALIEN #1 and ALIEN #2 exchange awkward glances] ALIEN #2 Sir, weekly masturbation doesn’t begin to describe it. His appetite is insatiable. The footage this week alone is straining our data storage capacity. ALIEN LEADER Preposterous! How does he find time to work? We have weeks sunk into this candidate. Does he intend to leave public service and become a pornographer? ALIEN #1 It seems like that’s where this is headed. ALIEN LEADER Alright, alright. Let me think. Can you bring him in here? 17.

ALIEN #1 He’s on his way. (speaking into his wrist) Would you bring in the one they call Weiner? ALIEN LEADER In case this doesn’t work out, is there anybody else on your short list? ALIEN #2 (pleased) We found a promising Mayor in the American city of San Diego. ALIEN #1 We haven’t reviewed all of the monitoring data yet, but we do understand that he’s a hugger [says hugger as thought it were a plus]. [ANTHONY WEINER is escorted in by two alien guards. He is wearing gray boxer-briefs a white dress shirt and conservative tie.] ALIEN LEADER This is the guy? Is this a joke? ALIEN #2 He was Skyping when we grabbed him. ALIEN LEADER Am I the only one who’s seeing this? He actually kinda looks like a sex organ. [All aliens giggle] ALIEN LEADER (CONT’D) (to WEINER) I’m trying to decide if we can work with you to bring our two worlds together. Do you think that you have the attention of mankind at the moment? WEINER This is just the tip of the iceberg fellas.

Joe DeLuca [email protected] 646.322.5561