Exploring the Sibling Coming out Experience
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Siblings, Sexualities, and Secrets: Exploring the Sibling Coming Out Experience Sarah Witcombe-Hayes School of Social Sciences Cardiff University August 2014 This thesis is submitted to Cardiff University in fulfilment of the degree Doctor of Philosophy 2 Abstract This thesis presents an in-depth, qualitative mixed method (QMM) inquiry into the coming out experiences of 19 lesbian, gay, bisexual (LGB) and 6 heterosexual brothers and sisters. It investigates what happens to sibling relationships, sibling identities, and sibling practices when non-heterosexuality is disclosed or discovered. This study seeks to explore how LGB individuals manage their sexuality in sibling and wider family dynamics; the difficulties of keeping secrets, the fears of being rejected, and the joys or disappointments experienced as they negotiate their new sexual identities. This study also explores how heterosexual siblings are emotionally affected by the disclosure of their sibling’s sexuality, and the impact that non-heterosexuality can have upon the relationships between brothers and sisters over time. The analysis is based upon data generated through semi-structured interviews, sibling sticker charts, research diaries, and debrief meetings. The research concludes that heterosexual siblings are significant in the process of coming out, but that disclosure is often far from simple. What is revealed is that the lives of siblings are meshed in wider family connections (specifically parents) and that the decisions about whether or not to come out to heterosexual brothers and sisters are often made in light of family responsibilities, obligations and commitments. The research shows that when parents hold homophobic or hostile attitudes towards non-heterosexuality this can create barriers to openness between siblings, causing tension in family relationships. Findings also suggest that when LGB individuals do come out the reactions from their heterosexual siblings are complex and often tied up in understandings of their relational family connections. Heterosexual sibling stories show a range of simultaneous, competing, and non-liner emotions about having an LGB brother or sister, including happiness, shock, concern, and anger. When attention is paid to the impact of disclosure over time this research shows that coming out can change the relationships between LGB and heterosexual brothers and sisters in mostly positive ways, although there can also be some negative consequences for these relationships. Sibling connections can become stronger, closer, and more supportive post disclosure. This seemingly troubles the persuasive discourses of crisis and rejection from families that have been entrenched in family coming out stories. 3 Acknowledgements I have been looking forward to writing my acknowledgements for four years, not only because I knew it would signal the finishing of my thesis, but because it would give me the opportunity to sincerely thank all of the wonderful people that have helped and supported me along the way. First and foremost, I would like to express my sincere gratitude to all of the siblings who generously took part in my research study. I was overwhelmed with your enthusiasm for my project and humbled by the stories you told. I thank you all for trusting me with your coming out stories and for letting me catch a glimpse into the compelling and equally complex world of siblings. Without you, this research would not have been possible, so thank you. I must also extend my thanks to The Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC) and Cardiff School of Social Sciences for giving me the great privilege of embarking upon a PhD project that I cared so much about. My second thanks must go to my two supervisors, Professor Debbie Epstein and Dr. Sara MacBride- Stewart. It’s been a long road, but we are finally here! I am indebted to you for all of your advice, support and encouragement throughout the last four years. I thank you for your patience, your kind words and your unwavering confidence in my ability to finish this thesis. I never would have been able to do this without you both. I have learnt so much from you and I hope that we have the opportunity to work together again in the future. Thank you for everything. I would also like to extend my sincere thanks to Dr. Kirsty Hudson for being my progress reviewer during my time as a PhD Student. It was always a pleasure to meet with you and discuss the constructive comments you had for my draft chapters. You helped develop and fine tune my ideas, for which I am extremely grateful. Special thanks must go to Elizabeth Renton and Vicky Parkin for all of your administrative support, and for always being so lovely during difficult times. I would also like to give thanks to Dr. Sarah Oerton and Dr. Anita Pilgrim for inspiring me to do a PhD in the first place. Without your encouragement, I doubt I would have ever embarked upon this journey. On a more personal note, I would like thank all of my wonderful friends. Since coming to Cardiff I have been very fortunate to work alongside a fantastic group of PhD students, some of which have become my closest friends. I would like to thank Rhiannon Evans, Hayley Collicott, Emilie Crossely, Ceryn Evans, and Kim Horton in particular. From our early master’s days you have been such an important 4 part of this process. You have always been there to listen, to support, and at times mop up my many frustrated tears. I love you girls and I thank you from the very bottom of my heart. I know we will be friends for a very long time. There are also so many wonderful people that I got to work with in the PhD office and other friends that I have known for a long time, that encouraged and supported me along the way. Thank you all for being so lovely and for helping me to reach the finish line. To ‘my person’, Wendy, you have been so encouraging from the word go and that meant so much to me. It was lovely to know that I could call on you when I needed a shoulder to cry on or an escape from the relentless task of writing, even if it was only for a quick power walk around the park. I thank you for our inspiring sociology chats, the much needed deadline pep talks, and the care packages full of delicious treats to keep me going. I hope I will be able to do the same for you if you decide to embark on your own PhD journey one day. To my bestest pal Tracey, I thank you for making me forget all of my PhD troubles and never failing to make me laugh when we spent time together. I always needed that more than you knew. Thank you for all of the cups of hot squash, the biscuits and all of the cuddles I had from your adorable children. My final thanks must go to my wonderful and utterly unique family. Your love and support throughout this journey has meant more to me than you will ever know. I love you all so much, and I hope I have made you proud. Thank you for making me laugh, for keeping me sane, and for reminding me that I can do this. I could not have completed this without you all. In the last year in particular – Mum and Ade, thanks for letting me move back home, for feeding me delicious food, and for occasionally doing my washing. Mum, special thanks must go to you for all of those late nights you stayed up encouraging me to finish, and for helping me to proof read my many draft chapters. Dad – thanks for always supporting me and for giving me a few spare pennies so I could travel back and forward to Cardiff, and buy lots of coffee to keep me awake. I would also like to thank my two adorable dogs, Garth and Louie, for keeping my toes warm on what often seemed liked endless days of writing. Finally, I would like to thank my older brothers Justin and Jason, and my little sister Emily, for introducing me to the fascinating world of siblings. To my little sister in particular, as children we used to play, we used to fight, and we used to drive each other crazy. As adults, nothing really has changed. You are the person that I can talk to about anything, the person I turn to for support, and the person that can make me act daft at a moment’s notice. Our relationship is like no other and it means everything to me. You are my closest ally and my very best friend, and because of that, little sister, this thesis is particularly dedicated to you. 5 For my Siblings: Forever connected by blood, history, and love 6 Contents Page Declaration ............................................................................................................................................ 2 Abstract .................................................................................................................................................. 3 Acknowledgements ............................................................................................................................... 4 Dedication .............................................................................................................................................. 6 Contents Page ....................................................................................................................................... 7 List of Figures ..................................................................................................................................... 11 Chapter One - Introduction ................................................................................................................ 13 Forward: Coming Out and Coming Home ............................................................................................