The Student Newspaper of imperial College 1 JJ JJ 1 ii 11 June 1993 Issue 970

Huffed Chau, a PhD student at the Department of Computing, has Obituary Silwood thefts died of injuries from a recent car accident. Hilfred was travelling to Plymouth for the Whitsun Bank Holiday on 30th May when his car collided with another. It took rescue services half an hour to get him free of the wreckage. He was air-lifted to local Bath Hospital, suffering from broken arms, broken legs, severe chest injuries and collapsed lungs. His condition deteriorated late on Saturday, and he died a week later on Sunday 6th June at 2am. Mr Chau was at Imperial 'he was a very energetic and College for six years, as an enthusiastic person' who 'will be undergraduate, a MSc student and strongly missed by all that knew finally a PhD student. Described him.' as 'friendly and outgoing', a close Hilfred recently had a paper friend said, 'I never heard him say accepted for the forthcoming 4th anything nasty about anyone, International Conference on Logic including lecturers'. Professor Programming and Automated Tom Maibaum, Head of the Reasoning (LPAR '93), and was Department of Computing, said due to present it himself. by Declan Curry minibus, also stolen. Police are investigating a major The bus was found yesterday theft from Silwood Park. (Thursday) morning in Barnham, Computers worth over £50,000 close to the recendy burgled firm were stolen from two buildings known as Oceanographic Sciences. early last Tuesday morning. This is Computer equipment was also Medical doubts the third major computer theft from stolen from this firm in a recent Silwood in fourteen months. similar theft. Police say that both Thames Valley Police say that the thefts were 'specialist' break-ins. by Declan Curry School and the National Heart and windows of eight 'selected' offices College security say that all the and Andrew Tseng Lung Institute were to join the were forced open in 'the wee small stolen items were marked, and Plans to form an Imperial medical Charing Cross Westminster Chelsea hours' of Tuesday. It is thought that logged in a security inventory. The 'superschool' are facing collapse Medical School and St Mary's to the computer equipment in these computer data was also backed-up. this morning, with Health form a new powerful Imperial offices could be clearly seen from New security procedures have Department officials accused of College School of Medicine. The outside the buildings. already been planned for Silwood, orchestrating a split between two Hammersmith and Brompton are In one building, the thieves broke and will start on schedule next London colleges. Officials at the now engaged in a bitter struggle to open the office doors from the week. No comment has been made Hammersmith Hospital claim that become the sole provider of West inside, as the computers were too on reports from students at Silwood they are being 'played off against London cardiac care, with the cumbersome to remove through the that no security guards were on duty the Royal Brompton while the Brompton expected to win outright, windows. The stolen equipment at the park last Monday. The theft Department makes its decision on allowing the Royal Marsden was then stacked in the corridors, is concentrating attention on West London heart services. Hospital to develop its cancer while the thieves removed one of residual crime at Imperial. It is Medical institutes at both services. Celia Oakley, professor of the outer doors from its frame. expected that all students will be hospitals were due to merge with clinical cardiology at the RPMS, They then walked out of the required to wear their electronic Imperial within the next five years. says they will close if the building with the computers. Their security 'swipecard' at all times The Royal Postgraduate Medical Hammersmith loses its cardiac unit. escape was made in a Silwood from next year.

8 9 12/13 14 Park Advert Freedom Disabilities Pride Hell Gone Mad Doubt News Info boom Fees up?

A revolution in information would expect for higher education as well New proposals could mean that Both Government and Vice follow from the recent Higher as students. graduates will have to pay extra tax Chancellors believe that an extra Education Charter, claimed Tim The present document is a on their post-University incomes. tuition fee would represent a tax on Boswell the Higher Education consultation document and will be The shortage of cash in the the middle class, something both Minister. discussed by all those concerned University system has sent the groups want to avoid. It is The Higher Education Charter with higher education. Results of Goverment and Vice Chancellors suggested that the an extra tax was released last month and sets out the consultation on this charter and searching for new ways to fund would avoid controversy move of broad outline of what students can the further education charter will be Higher Education in Britain. Over levying students. A similar scheme expect when they come to released in the near future. the weekend it was revealed that the exist in AustrahVwhere graduates University. Mr Boswell announced The Higher Education Minister London School of Economics was pay a 2 % more tax after they start that reports of the performance of was speaking at the Association of considering a tuition charge on its earning over £13,000. the Higher Education institution University Lecturers and the students. would have to be published in National Association of Further and University prospectuses. Mr Higher Education Teachers Boswell stated that the Charter set conference held at the Cafe Royal out what the general public could on London . DP Elected by Andrew Tseng turning up to sit on a ballot box Degrees vanish There has been an appalling turnout during the voting as had been in the election for the Deputy. previously arranged with Mr Students applying to study at accepted a place on a course this President (Clubs and Societies). Wilkinson. Mr Wilkinson critcised University this October are being commits the University to provide Charles Leary, the only person Mr Goddard for be 'unable to find told they will have no course to go a place If the student achieves the standing for the election, staved off the Union Building'. This allegation to following changes to the funding required 'A' Level grades. A New Election by 50 votes. The 82 was then leveled at Charles Leary of University degrees. loophole exists in this contract if a votes secured by Mr Leary total less as he was not being present at the According to a report in the whole course ceases, then than 2% of those eligible to vote. announcement of the election result. Independent, students who have Universities no longer have to This has raised doubts as to whether All sabbatical election results are accepted places to study on Arts provide the agreed place. he has the mandate of the students subject to ratification by a Union courses are being told that the One possible result of this move that he is to represent, Dominic General Meeting (UGM). If Mr course no longer exists. The move is a serious reduction in the number Wilkinson, Honorary Secretary and Leary is ratified at the next UGM follows a cut in the fees to Arts of 'holding places' for students who Returning Officer for the election, he will become the first Deputy based courses by approximately do not achieve required grades. The said 'I'm extremely disappointed President (Clubs and Societies). £500 per student. Independent article claimed that about the turnout, but I'm glad The new post of Deputy President This funding cut means that places on Arts courses this year Charlie won. I'm sure that he'll do (Clubs and Societies) has been Institution are having to reduce could be scarce. a very good job.' introduced following reforms of student numbers. If a student has The results were announced at Imperial College Union (ICU) nine o'clock on the evening of proposed by Chris Davidson, ICU Tuesday 7th June in Da Vinci's Bar. President. These wide ranging The Honorary Secretary (Events) reforms are also expected to be made a rather unusual speach, brought to the next UGM. Felix Bound which criticised the poor turn out The next UGM will take place on and leveled personal abuse at the last day of term, Friday 25th another mcoming Sabbatical. David June. Editions Goddard was attacked for not Gardens out?

Concern is growing over the future year and stayed closed for six of Gardens Halls as a student months, before being opened to residence. students in the middle of the Spring One whole year of Felix Last year the Princes Gardens Hall term this year. caused concern among surveyors If Garden Hall did close it is bound in a thick black from the London borough of unsure what role the residence Westminster. Fire safety in the would play in the College Hall, which can house up to fifty accommodation master plan upon cover for the bargain students, was considered by local reopening. Re apps are students government officials to be who spend an extra year in Halls. price of £32.50. inadequate, and in need of repair. Dr Simon Walker, warden of Delays have been made in Weeks and Garden Halls said when implementing the alterations, but phoned by Felix: 'I believe the pressure is mounting to have the Estates division think the Hall is Come into the Felix improvements completed before the inappropriate for use as a Hall of start of the new term. Residence', Dr Walker would not office and ask Jonty It is believed that to make the drawn further. An announcement changes the Hall would have to be on the future of Gardens is expected for details. closed for some time. Holbein before College closes for the House in Everlyn Gardens summer vacation. underwent a similar change last

Page 2 opinio n Felix 970 11 June 1993

ballot paper had gone missing? Charles Leary has to speak and Leader represent every student and every STOP PRESS This, as you may know, is the extra-curricular interest at Imperial; penultimate editorial for this year's Congratulations, Mr Leary. Your Articles submitted after the Felix; these were written with mandate is 82 votes and 3900 kisses following date cannot be constructive purposes in mind, to the wind. purposes that have been effectively It therefore seems that the student guaranteed publication. So ha dashed this week by the body is at the very least having overwhelming lack of interest problems understanding the bloody ha... shown by the student populace relationship between cause and Monday 14th June 1993 towards the union, and the way effect; at the worst, they are either their lives are subsequently ignorant or victims of affected, while at Imperial College. disinformation. While Felix is renowned as the I do not detract from Mr Leary's place to rant about the world ability. He seems confident, assured More flipping abuse surrounding it, it shouldn't take and concerned about the job he has Who is the masked man...who is to you, at the UGM, on the last much imagination to guess what this been elected to do. But this is hardly the eloquent wordsmith, tunesmith Friday of term. venting of spleen will be about. suprising; I would be concerned if and locksmith that graced this space Why should J not explain it to Come on. 114 people. For crying I went into a job that someone had last week. Well it was I. Yes, self you? Simply because I have a self- out loud, that's only 2% of the decided to create out of what may confessed flip chart abuser davidson interest in seeing the plan come to voting population! That is the 114 be literally nothing while they were stirring the pot again. Thankyou, fruition. No, not because I want to people who bothered to vote, filling up on lager. you responded, (see the letters run the Union next year, I don't whether they had gone out of their Credits pages) that is what last week's have the energy left and have a third way to exercise their rights, or were News: Declan, Andrew. Feature: article was all about. year to do. I want to see the scheme just passing and decided they could Phil H, Steff, Chris, Kate, Paul, Jonty is, as I write, mulling over passed so that the Union can survive spare the three and a half seconds, Rachel Bassett, Rach n' Jane his computer screen to produce for the years ahead. in the Election for Deputy President Reviews: Donny, Phil, Sara (!), you the definitive explanation, The constitution I will present (Clubs and Societies). It's funny, Gareth PH Whatson: Ian, Phil contained elsewhere in this issue. I will be a legalistic, but hopefully but I understand there to be 115 may the Whatson section remain hope he will be critical and point out easy to understand implementation clubs and societies under the forever simple and not be as all the flaws people see in the plan, of the plan. It will in short be the jurisdiction of the union. irritating as it has to me for the I have every faith that he will. This arms and legs of that which Jonty How can you seriously expect past 9 months. will give you the chance to digest writes about. I hope you like it. someone to be paid £10,000 of tax Thanks: Rose, Andy, Poddy, Bee, the plan and make an informed Chris Davidson, payers' money on a vote that could Steve, Catherine, Sonia, Ophelia, decision, about whether to pass the 8th June 1993. have had a different result if one Bosco, Giselle, Ian. new constitution, when I present it

Imperial College, Sherfield Building, SW7

ABTA IATA

WHEREVER YOU'RE BOUND, WE'RE BOUND TO HAVE BEEN. STA TRAVEL

Page 3 opinio n 11 June 1993 Felix 970

The course of Students' Union restructuring never did run true

Dear Editor, committee that represents the including the Sabbaticals, people knows no other alternative. Well, It was with much concern that I desires and needs of the student who do an immense amount of WE DO! Imperial College has had read the article in Felix some weeks body a Union has to ensure that work but who have little by way of it for years—a proper representative ago regarding the Union re- representation comes from those a foundation of helpers or structure! It is immensely important arrangement. My understanding of areas that are key to student information gatherers. Hence, they that you defend your right to proper Chris Davidson is that he is a hard activity; areas where students can tend to live in ivory towers removed representation or else your Union working and conscientious test their representatives from day from the student body. Also, they is likely to slip into a domain for President who has the students' to day in their everyday activities are people who can quite often be hacks. I understand that ICU has well-being at heart; however, I feel and see those representatives, if elected with little or no background many faults; however, it is certainly that in this case his refreshingly only in passing, on a week to week knowledge or proven track record. more representative than the many short involvement in ICU has led basis. Ideally these representatives Such elected Officials can turn out I have had contact with in the NUS. him to a misguided conclusion. would have a series of helper to be excellent Officers, as it I have one other major warning: I agree with him that the Union representatives with their ears appears has this year's President. NUS membeship would be a natural Council is cumbersome and that closer to the student body and However, as often as not, they progression from the President's student contact with Union Officials spread throughout the body. These become unmitigated disasters Plan. The annual membership is sadly low, however, the Council people should be keen and willing whose mistakes are only uncovered would be sufficient to obliterate the is large to ensure that the students' to work with the representative as once they have left office! Often entire budget of any of the major rights are protected. I accept that a result of their proven record of their input can be invaluable and Clubs and Society Committees. ICU is run in a very different hard work and level headedness refreshing and, therefore, it is Hence, no Athletic Clubs and no fashion from all other Student whilst performing these lower generally worth, carrying the elected Recreational Clubs. This might of Unions but I protest that this makes ranking jobs in previous years. drongo in order to benefit from course solve our problem of mis- it wrong. Further, it would seem sensible those with real vitality. representation if in the future there ICU was founded in 1909 and for the level of representation to be The flaw in the current are likely to be no clubs to was originally called the Union proportionate to the level of overall President's new Executive Structure represent. It would then be fair to Club. It was there to provide student involvement in that area. IC is that he has destroyed the essential say it was a Union for 'hacks' run Recreational, Social, Athletic and Union Council accommodates this balance. Those areas of student by 'hacks'! Welfare activities for the students ideology in its structure. activity with good support At the end of the day I can only of the College. In the 60s and 70s The majority of student time is mechanisms that generally produce say that, as an Ex-President, I many Student Unions went through spent in academic behaviour. The a level-headed everyday student has would have loved to have removed a dramatic re-organisation taking on Council has around 10 been cut from 62% representation Council. However, it was the main the structure of their close Departmental Represenatives to 30%, and the elected Elite in way of keeping me in check! I had associates, the Trade Unions. They elected by the students from those their ivory towers have increased the dubious pleasure of sitting on moved their emphasis from Clubs, Departments; these representatives from 25% to 60%. over 25 meetings of the Committee Societies and Welfare towards having a series of helpers in each Far from increasing student and, although cumbersome, I still Political campaigning and a training year. This makes up around 25% contact with the Union, the believe it to be an essential part of ground for Party Politics. They of Council. Further, there are 5 President's Plan will reduce it. Ask preserving the down-to-earth level destroyed the concept of the Academic Affairs Officers, making yourselves, how many of you know headedness of IC Union. Students Union run by students for up another 12% of Council, also who the Welfare Officer is, the Post Having only seen 7 meetings of students and instead produced a top dedicated to this field. Graduate Affairs Officer, the Council spanning approximately 9 heavy and over-powerful system of Nearly all students are members Overseas Students' Representative, months, does Chris Davidson really permanent staff. of a Union Club or Society run by the Academic Affairs Officer, or believe he is qualified to judge its ICU wisely chose not to follow hard working, down-to-earth even the Hon Sec? It is an important effectiveness, let alone a suitable this route and, in the process, students who converse regularly question as, if the President's plan replacement? I believe the President alienated itself from the NUS with a Committee Chairman who is to be successful, these people will has come to realise that the student (National Union of Students), an sits as a representative on Council. be running your Union by courtesy body will not stand for this organisation which we had helped There are around 170 Clubs and of the fact that between them they degradation of their representation found but which became so riddled Societies. Approximately 60% are will hold 50% of the votes. and is, hence, trying to force the with this elitist political cancer in run directly by ICU, the others are Have any of you met an executive matter through in the Summer Term the 70s that ICU found it beneficial CCU administered, and as a result member from a Union run the way when the students are hard at work to disaffiliate. they are represented by 6 the President proposes? Most are 'swatting' for exams. This used to Due to disaffiliation ICU today is Committee Chairman and 4 CCU highly Poitical Hacks who are be a College Administration tactic! very different from all other Student Presidents, a total of 10 elected without having been truly Why have we reached the stage Unions and has been, and still is, representatives making up another tested; they are often glory hunters where the Union President has to intrinsically more successful. ICU 25% of Council. or are merely looking for easy CV adopt such under-hand tactics? built a reputation as a no-nonsense Two other student activities are points. They are easily overcome Sydney Harbour-Bridge Union which only made its presence represented—Entertainment and with the power and are tolerated by (Name changed in aid of Comic known when Student Welfare or Rag. However, these do not have a student body that is accustomed Relief) Recreational matters were at stake. the same well-spread foundations of to this sad state of affairs and really (President 1987/88). As a result its negotiating power is the Departments and Clubs much stronger than almost all other Committees and hence only make DON'T READ THIS LETTER, READ THIS HANDY FELIX Student Unions both within College up around 5% of Council with 2 SUMMARY INSTEAD... and with outside organisations. For representatives. ICU is different from other student Unions, but this is not necessarily bad. the majority of the 1980s the There are seats for three old ICU was formed a long time ago, helped create the NUS, then opted combined purchasing power of the student representatives fo provide a out of the NUS when it became too political NUS were unable to secure long term input and experienced ICU represents students better because it is not in the NUS and because of the structure of Council. purchasing deals on beer ai advice. However, it is fair to say favourable as those of ICU! The present structure allows those in power to be questioned that benefit from this input to thoroughly. The new structure could destroy this. So why was ICU's system Council is rarely gained as these Few people have heard of the posts of the new executive, why stronger? I believe it was due to the people attend very infrequently. should this change because they now have more power? highly representative nature of its The remaining 25 % of Council is Is Chris Davidson necessarily the best person to decide these changes? internal structure. To make a made up of elected Officers Opinion Felix 970 11 June 1993

the type of people who should have it will have on the students. CCU's were not happy with the been in these groups? If he does not have the time or the CCU Rep, the Clubs and Societies Unfocused I can only hope that enough information or the ability to were unhappy with the DP (Clubs people will turn up to the UGM on communicate these ideas to the and Societies) and Rag and Ents Friday 25th June in the JCR to press people who elected him and were unhappy with the Ents Rep. Dear Jonty, Chris into fully explaining his new represent him, then could he not It would appear that Chris is I have been following the recent proposals and how they affect the find someone else in the Union trying to spread the illusion that the articles in Felix concerning Union average student. On the other hand Structure Working party who has? majority of people are satisfied with structure changes. Despite maybe Chris is hoping everyone There is no point in changing for this report. I quote from his letter conflicting reports that. Council would rather go down Southside the sake of change. If we are going to Council members: 'It seems have both agreed and disagreed on Bar on the last day of term so he to re-structure, let's do so after sensible to discuss the Chris Davidson's proposals it can avoid potentially embarrassing informing the membership of the Entertainments Rep/DP (Clubs and appears that students are going to questions. changes. Societies) after the UFC meeting on get a chance to decide the matter If you don't stand up, how can Steven Newhouse, Aero PG. the 8th, twenty minutes should bag once and for all on Friday 25th June you be counted? it as consensus has emerged over at the Union General Meeting. How Yours sincerely, the last few days.' Yet I know that generous an offer to be able to Susan Purdom (ISE 1). Unhappy of the eight branches of the Union decide what we want from our this affects, at least half are in Union. Unfortunately, this would Uninformed Dear Jonty, disagreement with Chris's new appear to be the first voice the I read with some amusement your proposals. majority of students have been Dear Jonty, news story in Felix 969 entitled I am concerned that these given. I see that Union Structure 'Council Farce'. Firstly-I would proposals are based on poor How are we supposed to make an Working party has finally explained like to correct the small error, that research and lack of communication informed decision if the only to members of Imperial College in both cases where you have with relevant parties. Maybe the information generally available is Union the changes that it has referred to SCAB you should Union does need a change, but a that, often confusing, conflicting proposed. actually have referred to Ents. poorly thought out change that does and probably inaccurate, printed in Well I assume that was the It is interesting to note that the not address or solve any of our Felix. purpose of 'Flip Chart Abuse' motion discussed in the article was current problems can only be a Surely there should have been far (Felix 969) that was written, as I not the only case where the decision change for the worse. more consultation with the general understand it, by ICU President passed was actually against the To quote from Chris's article student populus, particularly those Chris Davidson. wishes of the people who it 'Flip Chart Abuse' (are you less involved in the Union. Within I found the article incoherent and affected. ashamed to put your name to it?). my group of friends (I do know a incredibly uninformative. ICU Earlier in the evening, I had made 'We'll show that Chris Davidson fair number of students here even Council has spent around six hours the suggestion, that, in all decision, what we think of a customer though I am not a spoddy Union discussing these changes, yet the wishes of the affected parties focused Union...' Well, Chris we'd hack) none of those I have asked nowhere in his article does he should be upheld over the wishes of love one, but we don't see one in have even heard of these nine attempt to explain the changes, why the rest of Council, and Council your current proposals. months of focus groups let alone the Union Structure Working party agreed to this. However, this did Rachel Mountford, Civ Eng III. taken part in them. Surely we are has proposed them, and what effect not happen in practice, as the

A Slice of Life Dunkin Doughnuts may ease the bedroom floor) consists of clothes blow of accepting this dodgy job.' like this! Mix and match you know? Next morning I punch in the 'Owain, trust me, I know what Once upon a time, my herOwaino was ward: 'yeah ,Bennallack my son, MY SON!' number. (Farewell to the word employers look for,' she says, Richard Branson. Was it the long then he rolls among the cradles like dial). An EastEnder-made-good looking at the boots. She grimaces tussled hair, the crazy balloon trips a (younger and sprightlier) sea voice answers. We rap. Apparently and heroically she sets to work. or the mercurial portrait he otter. Then he checks the other the job has something to do with the It's like one of those corny films, presented to the world? No, it was babies name tags. The start of an stock market. 'Yeah, that's right, the dressing sequence in Pretty the truckloads of money.Shocked era. just like Capitol City'. Err, yeah, Woman, where Julia Roberts tries dear reader? After all, those of you I asked Graham, Manor's flat and Wall street. Sure, you can be on all those slinky numbers to win" who do more than stand cups of mate, for advice. Graham, I need Charlie Sheen if you like. Ahem, Richard Gere's heart. In fact I coffee on my column will have read something that pays well, involves anyway, you must be available thought I looked pretty good, last week of my lefty pinko little time and effort and allows me seven days a week, for twelve hours standing in front of the mirror in a subversive leanings. (Try doing that to maintain the degenerate lifestyle a day.' DONG. I feel faint all of a slinky figure hugging green wrap, in a bus stop without getting to which I've become accustomed. sudden. T know it sounds a lot, but but Janet insists I start trying on the arrested). But alas, I wasn't always He ponders. 'Well, you're already as the, err, position, only lasts for business suits. Eventually we so angelic. And what goes around a student...' Graham, this is serious one month you'll need those hours achieve the impossible. I've been comes around, it goes up and then - can't you see the dollars in my to achieve any real earning shoe-horned into a shirt and tie. it comes down and finally just when eyes? 'Hmmmm....' He hands me potential.' The smell of solvency Janet stands back and admires her you think you know where you are, a small advert torn from the brings me around. What kind of handiwork. City executive look for you are there, but standing on your Guardian. 'Call them, say Graham earning potential are we talking just twenty nine ninety nine. Well, head. sent you.' about here? 'Oh,' he says, 'around city executive circa 1975. But with As I want to stay in London this On the way home I study the - big big number -1 guess.' Big big Suede bringing glam rock back summer I need loot, and lots of it. advert, reading between the lines. number in one month! Let's meet! maybe it's all fashionable again. The miserly world's response? Cunningly however they've left The appointment is made, Paul sees me in the suit and I tell 'Read my lips, no more money!' those bits blank, so instead I decode tomorrow, twelve noon. This him about the advert. 'Oh a city Actually it was more a kind of the facts presented. Basically it causes me some concern, as I job,' he sardonically cracks. strangulated mirth. My father was reads 'Wanted, starving human explain to Janet, American 'London's a big city Owain. Trust like, 'yeah, more money, MORE beings. Must be able to hold pen manageress of the Oxfam shop. I'm me, you'll be selling Dutch imports MONEY!' before rolling around on and see straight. Must be flexible talking to her in combat trousers, out of the back of a camper van in the floor like a sea otter cracking and liberal with (ones own) human enormous steel capped boots and a Mile End.' Paul, please have some oysters on it's belly. Honestly, I'll rights. Must consider the Citizens 'Suck the System' T-shirt. 'No faith. I'm off to buy a briefcase. do anything to make my father Charter one of the Eurocrats better honey, I really think you need an Tomorrow, here I come. laugh. I think he's decided that's jokes. No experience necessary, image change for the interview.' To be continued... why I was born. In the maternity though the shame of working in But all my wardrobe (read:

Page 5 opinio n 11 June 1993 Felix 970

Believe the Bosnians

Dear Editor, waiting for the aggressors to finish I read an article entitled their aggression. We have seen 'Refugees' which appeared in Fleix, several retreats from representatives Issue 967.1 felt obliged to give my of the international community in opinion to your magazine which I favour of groups of criminals who enjoy reading and respect. tortured to death civilians in I trust Felix operates on a concentration camps and subjected freedom-of-speech basis, and men and women to unspeakable therefore I expect and look forward crimes. These refugees are betrayed to seeing my article published in if we realise the hopeless disarray your forthcoming issue. of the UN, fee loss of credibility As a student magazine one may and the constant retreats of its peace feel reluctant to write articles envoys. These refugees have been beyond the academic scope. denied weapons to defend However, since the topic is tragic, themselves and have been given it must concern us all, whether imaginary promises and false hopes students or not. of help and support. These refugees are now and might always be The recent waves of refugees sent displaced from their homes and let across Europe were as a result of down by those who have the saying barbaric crimes and ethnic but hesitant or unable to implement cleansing tactics. The future of it. These refugees are now in these refugees had been under absolute misery, cut off in isolated discussion, behind closed doors, by communities. For my part whether politicians who for more than a year a Londoner or outsider, I do not see have failed to stop a crime on an it nice at all to find beggers on the international scale. Tens of streets, anywhere, whether refugees thousands of civilians have been or not. I must say that I feel very missed or killed, and another two fortunes are not theirs as long as for more than a year, I suspect that sad. It is irritating. It is also morally million have been made homeless they are refugees. The only fortunes will never happen. Of course, I am hard to ask for help, especially and refugees. they may have are their lost homes disappointed. There is one thing left when the person asking for help and hopes; their lost souvenirs, to look at. History. It taught us that These refugees have put trust and really deserves it. These refugees identity and dignity. unjust settlements can never be faith in the international community should learn very soon that begging settled but have always been a and the new world order, hoping to on the streets will not return their What is required now is that: the source of further conflicts. There return to their lost land, the homes. These refugees must learn UN should honour its commitments must be a just and fair settlement. concerned politicians have been very soon that even if they make and match actions with words if a There must be honesty. drawing maps and putting plans. fortunes out of begging, these sort of credibility is to be Until now no map has been finalised maintained. Having failed to do so Youseef M Samrout.

Christ is the lightbulb of my life ACC Dear Jonty, suitable picture. I had been thinking Flattering as it is to become a more of a painting of the Spanish principal character in "The Amazing Inquisition than a photograph of a ELECTIONS Adventures of Andrew the Abstract light bulb wearing a suit. Entity', might I enquire whether the The fact that I do profess myself cartoonist actually read my article? to be a Christian is incidental to the My intention was not to promote argument I was putting forward in The elections for the positions of belief in God, or as the subtitle read the article. I tried to establish how 'to justify faith in religion' but to religion, which generally is linked Hon Secretary, Assistant Treasurer, levy what I felt to be a valid to strong ethical and moral codes, criticism against institutionalised could become the source of violence Publicity Officer and Women's religion. I am, by no means, and hatred. It is a curious irony that confident enough in my own belief I believe modern religious Officer are to take place at one to tell others what to believe. I think institutions must avoid. it is crucial that any such belief is Naturally' I respect the need for o'clock on Friday 18th June in the founded on personal conviction— editorial control of media, but not the sort of aggressive perhaps this incident serves to point UDH. If you would like to stand come evangelisation that is attributed to out the need for caution when me in the cartoon. making changes to submitted along on the 18th. Feel free to get To give the cartoonist his (or her) articles without due care. I look due, the title, subtitle and picture forward to featuring in 'The in touch with the present Exec if may have misled them. The original Amazing Adventures' again! title of the article was 'Religion: A Yours sincerely, you've any questions. Necessary Evil'. I am partly to Geoff Maxwell, Elec Eng UG2. blame for not having looked for a

Page 6 unio n Felix 970 11 June 1993 Sex and the Ents posse

We've been biding time this term, with our spankin' discos every Friday, and now we've arranged a nice goodbye present for you all. For the next two Fridays, Atmosphere will continue to play its usual heady mix of all things good, be it indie, dance, retro, rock or just good old fashioned pop music. If you've just finished your exams, then why not come out and see what hundreds of people come to enjoy every week. There'll be a late bar til lam, disco til 2am and a happy hour from 8.30-9.30pm (all drinks reduced by 20%). Doors open at 8pm. For the last night of term (Friday 25th June), we've arranged a groovie bag of comedy, packed full of some of the best names in the comedy circuit. Headlining the whole shebang are the Rubber Bishops, a musical comedy due, who normally frequent the hallowed Comedy Store and Jongleurs. They have been described as 'effortlessly funny, delightfully inconsequential and quite unmissable', but I would evening is Richard Morton, the man Rubber Bishops, he has regularlyfiesta of all things funny I hear you rather describe them as 'simply who received the Time Out appeared at the Comedy Store, cry! Well, for a line up which hilarious'. The compere for the Comedy Award for 1992. Like the Jongleurs..., and has a reputation would normally cost around £8 at of being one of the sickest other venues, we're just looking for comedians around. He has been the tiny sum of £2 in advance. described recently as 'the new sex- Tickets are available from the king of comedy' and with a few Union Office now (1st floor, Union CLUBS songs such as 'Daddy was a Sperm Building), and as this is the last Bank', who am I to argue. Support event of the year, like previous will be announced nearer the date events, it is liable to sell out in (see the next Felix for details). advance. Buy your tickets now and There will be a bar til lam, disco avoid the disappointment of being til 2am, and a happy hour from left out in the cold. Kiss your cares 8.30-9.30pm. Doors open 8.00pm, goodbye and have more fun than & you could shake a shitty stick at. with the support act onstage at 9.30pm. Andy. SOCIETIES So, how much does it cost for this Any photos, diary

dates and names of CAREERS SEMINARS are Careers info being held each Wednesday next year's chairmen VACANCIES—don't worry if you afternoon from 2.00-4.00pm. were too late to apply for the Milk Topics include Creative Job MUST be put in the Round, we have written to 1500 Hunting and Interview Technique. employers asking for details of their Sign up in the Careers Office. Handbook pigeonhole remaining vacancies and you should For further information come to apply as soon as possible this the Careers Office, Room 310 in the Union Office by month. Ask to see the Vacancy File Sherfield—open from 10.00am to in the Careers Office. 5.15pm Monday to Friday. A Duty the last day of term PENULTIMATE YEARS^start Careers Adviser is available for thinking about your future now. If quick queries from 1.00-2.00pm (photos will be you don't know what you want to daily. You can also book a SHORT do, come to the Careers Office and APPOINTMENT of 15 minutes returned) try prospect our computer careers between 2.00 and 4.00pm on guidance system. Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Page 7 Feature 11 June 1993 Felix 970

Loud and Proud in the Park Nothing to do next Saturday? Why not join the antics of the Pride 1993? Rach n' Jane preview London's premier summer festival

One of this summer's largest, free festivals hits London's Brockwell Park this month, featuring a wealth of famous faces, top performers, singers, comedians and chart- topping bands. Dawn Fench will be there, along with Jimmy Somerville, Boy George, Hazell Dean and many more. What is it? Pride '93, that's what and if you want to know more about being 'loud and proud and in park', read on. The festivities for the day are designed to provide something for everyone. Twenty seven marquees are to be erected including eight beer tents and a champagne and cocktail lounge, plus a fair with all the usual fairground rides. Lilly mm Savage rules the roost in the Bang Disco Marquee 4.30 to 7.30pm and loadsa famous soapstars will be signing audiographs in the Health Education Authorities Health Tent which will also feature 'Hunk Aerobics'. Big name pop bands, respect us for what we are if we techno groups and soul singers are live, ourselves, in shame. promised for the main stage, but A parade, from Victoria they're not telling who until the day. Embankment to Hyde Park, with TEN THINGS So if you don't go, you won't fifteen floats following the I know. Cabaret and Disco marquees procession, is expected to raise the abound too, along with a market profile of Pride, but the idea of a THE PRIDE Trust has issued area selling eveiything and anything campaigning theme for the day has you'd expect (or not) to find at a been rejected. If the day has any handy hints on what to pack for festival market. The whole day will message at all it is look, we're here, be wrapped up with an enormous and we're not going to go away. the Pride parade. firework display. The Stonewall group, a gay and So what exacdy is Pride? Maybe lesbian rights organisation, intends tampons, dental dams or condoms it would help if I gave the festival to simultaneously release ballons, its full title, Lesbian and Gay Pride. one for every person jailed for the an A-Z Yep, this whole day of free fun, 'crime' of consenting sex with a frolics, and music is actually person of the same sex. This is to water based lubricant organised and run by a bunch of be the only real political event of the queers. This doesn't mean that day. pen and paper straight people can't turn up and Pride is not here to promote enjoy themselves. On the contrary homosexuality, or ram it down sun tan lotion and what better way to end a term people's throats, it is meant as an of exams than a free party when the annual bid for acceptance. I am sure sunglasses grant has run out. But, to get back 99% of the festival goers won't care to my point, why would a group of about the motives, they'll just be out a parasol people want to put time, effort and with the rest of us, 'loud and proud money into organising a massive, in the Park', and enjoying every aspirin free summer party? The whole idea minute of it. Put your prejudices is to promote a positive image of aside and join us there, I'm sure a bottle of water homosexuals as otherwise, normal you'll be pleasantly surprised. ordinary everyday people. It is a Saturday 19th June at least £2 to put in a bucket in chance for Gays and Lesbians to -Pride 1993. stand tall and be proud of their March 12.00pm from Victoria Brockwell Park sexuality. After all, how are we to Embankment. Festival 2.30pm— expect others to accept us and late Brockwell Park.

Page 8 'eature Felix 970 11 June 1993

Ad your own imagination In a vain attempt to understand the world of advertising, Rachel Bassett scrutinises infamous Tampax ads and much, much more.

Just for fun, try a little end of term quiz. Ready? No peeking, naughty. Okay, here goes. What is, or are, Tampax? I'll give you a choice of three. MEN WHO a) A brand of sanitary protection MEASURE UP b) A range of beachwear Arc you the kind of man who can measure up to * c) A rather unreliable type of car. any woman? Do you ! have the ability to To put you out of your misery, lease any woman? Blen who have used the answer was in fact a). To those successful methods of penis enlargement BEFORE AFTER certainly do! Get all of you who got it right, well done. the medical facts on penis enlargement in I can only presume that either you the new definitive made an inspired guess or you study — 'The Penis' Learn each method HAIR ON THE FACE AND ARMS detail by detail and how weren't fooled by the recent TV it can work for you. Find hMiri ky a yaialaM tnatmat EiaUaatory BMkM Mat Tn*. out how penis enlarge- advertising campaign for said ment will affect you and DKAUTV of face is often disfigured by hairy your woman. Get the r growths, and how to remove these has caused product. After all, what images full story in "The much anxiety to ladies who study their personal Penis' by Dr. Brian appearance. were present in the commercial? If Richards, Order, Every lady suffering from hairy growths wUl my memory serves me correctly, it your copy today! be pleased to learn that these can be removed for ever by a treatment which cannot possibly harm showed a group of young women the most delicate skin. It is so sure that it is just in skimpyish beachwear pushing a a matter of days and the hair is gone for ever, leaving Harmony Products DEPT. HB-131, a beautiful clear skin. You will not be put to any car along a beach with some jolly P.O. Box 2008 inconvenience. All you have to do can be done in Grand Central Station. New York, N Y. 10017 the privacy of your own apartments. This treat, background track about 'It's My Gentlemen: I enclose $9.95 plus 7S< for ment is worthy of your interest. We specially want j postage and handling. Please rush me my those sufferers who have tried other methods to write Life'. What information did this copy of The Penis in an unmarked package us, as, unless we can prove that we can do all that we today. (New York Slate residents add applicable claim, we do not ask you to .take up this treatment. give us about the product? Did it sates tax) INFORMATION FREE extol its good qualities? Its Name —— — The description is pcsied to you FREE in a perfectly plain and sealed package, Signature— advantages over the competition? n over 16 yeais ol agei and you should have no hesitation in writing. You will be delighted to learn how easily and surely superfluous hair ran be painlessly removed. No. It dropped a couple of subtle Just send your name and address, with a stamp for postage, to :— hints about a New Plastic THE CAPIIXUS MANUFACTURING CO., 420 "Palace House," | > Canadien residents send orders to MAP Inc.. P.O 128 Shaftesbury Avenue, London, W.l. Established over 30 years. Applicator, and apart from that it I Box 7050. Station A. Montreal Quebec H3C3L4 told me that cars can break down, that young women on beaches can push cars, and that my life was my own, all of which I flatter myself hair. How cunning. What's the I knew already. Let's think back to some of the romantic songs (First time, first message on that then? Guinness- Coke/Pepsi ads of the past years. love, oh what feeling is this? Some more perceptive readers it tastes like shit, but what a good There was the 'Taste of America' Electricity flows with the very first might say that Tampax have good idea for a fancy dress party. Does campaign, in which some bloke let kiss). reason to be careful of the material the campaign mention at any point a lorry fall down a cliff because the I would be more impressed with in their advertising campaigns, that the thing it is selling is an cola in it wasn't Pepsi, and some any one of the above if they said at when we consider that Always Ultra alcoholic beverage? No, because other person ate the entire menu of any point why the product is any had an advert banned last year for we're all meant to know what it is. a restaurant except the cola, because good, rather than leaving us to being too graphic. Too graphic? It Their job is to change the way we it wasn't Pepsi. I sense a recurring understand that they must be, had Claire Rayner in it, how much perceive it, and if they want us to theme here. I could also swear that because they said so. What's wrong more wholesome can you get? Even perceive it as a psychadelic journey at one point there was an advert with hard facts, with positive if she did do slighdy alarming things through a whale, who are we to with a girl refusing to neck a bloke reasoning as to why we should buy with blue ink. So alright Tampax, argue? It's their time and money. in a car, but relenting when he puts something—do they really think the you're off the hook, you can fudge Now we've got onto beverages, a Pepsi ringpull on her finger nation will rush out to buy Pepsi the issue as much as you like—but I suppose it's time to mention the (Maybe she thought it was a form because it's the 'taste of America' what about the hundreds of other main ottenders in the style wars. of contraception). Michael J Fox (a meaningless statement if I ever adverts that serve only to foster a Like Guinness, they're brown, but climbed out of a window in the rain heard one)? product's image while telling you these are soft, sugary drinks to get someone he fancied a diet Let's stop the rot here, and start nothing at all about it? I might point beloved of teenagers throughout the Pepsi, which I think says more a campaign for saner advertising. in particular to Gillette (The best a world (apparently). They're hot, about human lust than it does about No more half hints or glossy man can get—the best what a man they're'cool, they're the real thing, the drink, and recently we've had images, let's have solid statements can get?), Bacardi and especially they're the taste for a new Elton John at the piano singing and a dose of truth. It'll be a long the Guinness advert I saw last time generation, they bring you alive, about it. On the Coke front, hard struggle—but when I hear the I was at the cinema—like, mind- they're it, they give you that good there've been a lot of tanned slogan 'Pepsi—it's a drink, and it's blowing, man. My roommate has good feeling, or as any person with American teenagers getting up to almost exactly the same as Coke, just informed me that the bloke in an intact personality might put it, wild'n'wacky things, but never except we think it's better, so why the Guinness ad is meant to be a pint they are Coke and Pepsi, two once putting their bottles down, not try some?', I'll know we're of Guinness—that's why he's all mainly inoffensive non-alcoholic people standing on mountain tops almost there. dressed in black with very blond fizzy drinks. holding hands, and beautiful

Page 9 Feature 'eature 11 June 1993 Felix 970 Felix 970 11 June 1993

What is this mysterious Union a body called Council. Underneath restructuring? Why is it happening this meeting is the general and more importantly why is every membership of the union. one getting so anxious about it? So why change? At present, Armed with nothing more than a council contains fifty five members. Restructure! *> tape recorder and the meagre brain This makes discussion difficult and god gave me, I took a full frontal often circular; it is seen as a assault on the slopes of annihilation cumbersome body, but does gather What is the mystery behind this Union management. Here I found a fairy the vast majority of the union tale a story that began a long, long together. As it meets once a month, structure lark? Jonty Beavan tries to time ago, in a land not very far it is slow to respond and can be c away. perceived as intimidating to explain the issues opposite and Once upon a time there was a outsiders. The other problem is a students' union. It was full of communications: The mass of outlines some of the problems below. students are blissfully unaware of people, but unfortunately, the rrlI J people that ran the students' union what the students' union does. Chris were not happy, for they believed Davidson, the Union President that they were isolated from the vast believes that a clear power majority of the students. The structure, explaining who does President, whose name was Chris, what, will allow the student body said 'I will go out to the students to make better use of the union. Last and there will be focus groups. And November, Chris initiated a process Some areas have been shaded on this diagram. Each marked part thus we will know what every to reform the present organisation; means an area of controversy, these areas could change before the student thinks and this will bring the the fruit of his labours is the final decision on restructuring is taken at the Union General Meeting students' union to the students'. opposite. on Friday 26th June. And there were focus groups, and OK then, what does this huge 70 CCU's they said that the students' union lump of lines actually mean? j— 70 CJS> CO Constituent College Union are was bad; the focus groups said the Firstly, every one is responsible to Unions before attending the to have only one vote on the new union had no identity, no one knew a UGM, as this is a legal TO executive meeting. executive. It has not been decided how to use it, and those that did requirement. But now the week to Both Kate Dalton, C&GU how this will be arranged. were known as 'hacks'. week mnning of the union will be President and Paul Thomas, One option is to elect a CCU RCSU President have agreed in Once again, Chris, for he was the performed by a new executive. To rep separate from Mines, Royal principle that only one vote on President, said, 'Let there be a put it formally, this feature on the College of Science and City and council is enough for the current working party. This working party union restructuring will have the Guilds and this one person to state of their Unions. Although will decide what to do'. And in the executive powers of a UGM. Or, represent then all. Another is a others involved in the Constituent month of April there was a working in English, it is allowed to interpret rotating post so each CCU would Unions may disagree response has party, and there was a solution. UGM says and act on that. The take turns to sit on the executive been muted so far. Chris said, T believe this solution Executive will be members who consulting with each of the other to be good', and he spoke to the each represent aspects of the union; union council and with a forceful the details are fairly self- voice said 'We must restructure'. explanatory, and on the diagram Thus, the council was not happy opposite. The controversial nature Media with this, and there was much of this body is that it will combine to iron out any difficulties through. The three college media, Felix, argument and will continue in muttering and gnashing of teeth. and replace the role of Sabbaticals Mountford, RAG Chair, holds that organisations has to justified. remaining. Kate Dalton, City and IC Radio and STOIC demand years to come. A compromise has and Council, and will only be reducing the size of council is a Even now some posts in the Guilds President, said that most Of course, that is where the fairy But how can we guarantee that it independence with out been reached for the moment: the answerable to a UGM. good idea. Andy Kerr, Ents Chair, Union are not fdled for next year decisions are taken before they tale ends. Because now I have to tell will work? If the executives do not responsibility. The Students student media in this diagram is also broadly agrees with the because of the amount of work reach council. As Council meets so you how it really is. Imperial The second way of increasing the do their job who is going to stop Union want to cover their own not directly responsible to the new necessity of altering the present required. RAG has no chair, infrequently, sabbaticals have to College Students' Union is a fearful clarity of the structure is to give them? Chris also has his answer to backs if any media is sued for executive, but have to answer to situation. But, this is where all Athletics Clubs Committee (ACC) make decisions that they are not beast made up of many committees 'empowerment' to the positions on this: Elections would have a much liable. The media believe that a UGM. Hopefully this will satisfy consensus ends. found it hard to find a chairman for totally empowered to. She regards and mysterious rules and the Executive. Empowerment is a higher profile, introducing real union responsibility means Union both sides but you will have to next year; surely these executive the new executive as a broader input regulations. The idea of the concept given to job descriptions so The new structure is more competition to weed out the less control. wait until next year to find out. posts are going to be almost into the day to day management of restructuring is to simplify this and that the people employed to do a businesslike, streamlined and able, disciplinary proceeding would Although this is a very old thus make it easier for students to job, will feel they are doing the best efficient. Unfortunately, a students' impossible to fill? Chris Davidson the union. be a lot harsher, and with UGMs use the students' union. Sounds they can. It means that when you union is not just a business. Andy admits that executive positions will But has there been enough held every month, it would be easy good so far but, the new structure write a job description you give Kerr expressed concern that in an be testing, but he commented that consultation with the Union to dismiss a member of the is printed on the page opposite, and someone as much responsibility as external organisation, members the majority of the executive should members? Chris Davidson says that executive. Incidentally, any Ents/SCAB/RAG looks like the family tree of a possible and allow someone to have time to study the areas that be able to resolve any disputes in those involved in the working party sabbatical member of the executive Each of these clubs look set to and so the fight goes on. Possible particularly fertile tomcat. develop the job they do in a way they were responsible for, and that their own areas without bringing the gathered about 400 hours of would be much harder to dismiss, lose direct representation on the options at the moment are: The they see fit. This means the job students should be studying while matter to the executive. A 'grass opinions on students' perceptions of as finding a replacement would be To see the difference you have to new executive. Hence they are current diagram with RAG also description of the new Deputy at University, not filling all their roots' method should reduce the the union. He also claims that most near impossible. compare this to the present bitterly trying to fight for a under the Entertainments Rep or President (Clubs and Societies) time with students' union activities. executive workload Chris of the students in college have been structure. A Union General Will it work? That we will have position of power. each one under the Deputy could look like: Responsible for all This is a call that Chris Davidson postulates. accounted for by talking to Meeting (UGM) at which all to wait and see, but anyone who is Chris Davidson is set against any President (Clubs and Societies). students have a right to vote, has the the Clubs and Societies at Imperial. rejects, he aims for a 'customer Concern has also been expressed representative groups and asking interested, the voting on the final of them being on the Executive, right to control everything the What is strange is that the broad driven' organisation, where the about the amount of power the their views. Kate Dalton is not so draft of these changes takes place students' union does. The day to principles of this plan have struck students' union gives what the executive would have. With only 15 sure. 'There could have been more on Friday 26th June. If you have an day running of the adrninistration of a chord of agreement in the union. students want. Mr Davidson people actually in charge of the but we (the working party on the interest or an opinion please bring Academic Council believes this leaves no room for the Union structure) wanted to get it the union is run by Sabbaticals Even the staunchest critics of the Union, the main forum for it along and voice it there. If you're This is designed as a forum for cushioning that has built up around finished in the time given'. There Departmental Representatives (students elected to do a job for a union agree that council is far too informed debate removed, the here next year and it doesn't work debate for all the academic student unions in the past twenty is a target to get the restructuring and Academic Affairs of the year) and members of permanent big and holds up debate. Steve executive could get away with it will be your fault for not putting representatives. It is meant to years. Worrying about the effect of finished by the end of the year so Constituent Unions are a little staff, who put into action UGM Newhouse, Social Clubs Committee murder. Naturally enough Chris forward your views. have no power but exist as a place voluntary membership on unions, it would be in place for the new unsure and the power and policy. For general representation Chairman, who represents all the Davidson rejects this: 'Council to air grievances that the he has frequently stated his belief sabbaticals. The critics argue that significance of this body is still the more senior officers of the clubs and societies in SCC, admits requested that we hold UGMs once Academic Affairs Officer (AAO) that every penny given to student this would be rushing the changes being discussed. Union gather once a month to form that council needs to change. Rachel a month', giving them the chance should carry to the executive.

Page 10 Page 11 Feature Feature Felix 970 11 June 1993 11 June 1993 Felix 970 Sex, squalor and God mate.' against all the Government and a Some hecklers didn't suffer from percentage of the police who are 'A such regrets. 'One guy threatened intolerant of the homeless. T was Phillip Henry chats amiably to the eccentrics of Speakers Corner. to impale us on a red hot spike. down in Knightsbridge and these Another came down with his two coppers came up to me and one of year old daughter and his pit bull them starts kicking me in the back. and told us explicitly how he'd like He said: 'How'd you like me to kick to kill us. People like that shouldn't you in the face?' so I punched him be allowed to become parents. in the knee and got taken to the Imagine the trouble that child will police station. Now I know the Although it's only ten minutes or so to convince the crowds that, having have if she finds, when she grows Sergeant; he says:'Hello, David, walk from the college, how many kissed her, she would give birth in up, she's a lesbian.' how you doing?' and I explained I'd of you have been to the world an hours time; when I was 16 that's been kicked by one of his constables famous Speakers' Corner? I must how I thought it was done... At the Was he frightened at all before he so he gave him a real mouthful but admit that I didn't go until fairly moment I'm going out with a mmm got up to speak? 'The first time is when I left the constable told me recently (the April LSD convention, beautiful 16 year old who I met always scary but I don't get nervous 'I'm gonna get you!' so I live up actually) and I' m a third year. The here. She came up to me after one anymore; I know that I don't have here now.' loss is all mine, I have to say; of my speeches and said:'You were to do it, I can walk out anytime. At Speakers' Corner can be one of the fantastic'.' school I was occasionally bullied I returned to the Arab-Israeli most entertaining places a boring When I met Martin I was and I knew I had to go back debate which had become funnier Sunday afternoon has to offer and fortunate enough to catch him everyday. Now THAT'S to watch but more of a school what's more, its all free! before he starts speaking and so was frightening.' ground argument. The place has a surfeit of able to see how he catches his At this point a Christian from an 'You are nothing without the religious speakers but these have, crowd. 'It's quite easy; I just stand adjacent platform shouted to the Americans. Zero. Nothing. What broadly speaking, the same up... Some people don't get a crowd in a strong Edinburgh would you do without them?' asked message: we are all evil therefore crowd because their delivery is no accent:'It's filthy, foul sex, the the Arab. repent before it is too late. good. You've got to be interesting Devil's sex, Demons' love. It's 'Oh, we'll find some other idiot. However, there are others with and use the right psychology. There filthy. Don't stand there, kids, or You Arabs haven't changed in more varied and interesting is definitely a skill in doing it and you'll get a filthy, unclean spirit twenty years of me talking to you. messages than this. I think I've got it.'. Indeed he has; coming out of those poofters into But then, neither have we,' replied first he starts by chatting up some you and you'll start thinking about the Jew with a shrug. 'You talk like Martin Besseman, a 32 year old pretty antipodean girls with T know it...' a primitive Arab. What can I do?' 'entrepreneur', is probably the most you're Australian; you look like entertaining of those on offer I was then introduced to Jon, an 'Bastards! That's what you are!' Kylie' to which she replies:'Oh, mainly because, as he claims, 'My Italian 30 year old council tax 'You Arabs are lazy bastards! thanks.'. Then he introduces main priority is to entertain people worker who'd been over here long You are useless people!' himself in a loud voice to nobody though some people find a message enough to lose his accent. Jon was 'You Jews are a shitty race!' in particular and within a minute or in what I say'. You can't miss a joint founder of the platform ten I managed to talk to the Jew so he has an ever growing crowd Martin; he dresses like a used car years ago. 'We wanted to do afterwards. His name was Joseph of at least thirty. salesman, stands on a step ladder something about the miseducation and he told me he'd been coming here since he was 15 way back in talking about his sexual prowess By insulting the punters Martin is which society feeds us. It's had 1964. I asked did he always talk and appears to have attended the begging for hecklers and has a few some success; we get parents who'd about the Arab-Israeli dichotomy. Basil Fawlty School of Polite Punter retorts up his sleeve for just such come here on holiday two or three T try to avoid it like Aids,' he Rapport. For instance, his opening an occasion. A young, sassy West years ago and who've then found answered. I tried a few other gambit goes something like: Indian woman had questioned his that their kids are gay and they just need some advice. questions but I found the old adage 'Good afternoon Ladies and ability and had asked when he had is true: Why do Jews always answer Gentlemen. My name is Martin last made love to a woman. After 'When I decided to tell my questions with a question? Answer: Besseman and I am the best looking telling us how he'd last made love parents I told my mum first. She Why shouldn't Jews answer speaker in the park. It is interesting on a train, he went on: 'I'm as much an Arab as you,' constantly against such works of the gave the typical Italian mother questions with questions? Joseph to note that all these religious 'So you see: women are after said the Jew. The argument wasn't devil... response and threw all the pots and was hard to pin down but he did tell nutcases have one thing in common: experiences just like in the film going anywhere so I thought I'd George, a sprightly but rather pans on the floor then told me to me that 'attitudes are changing. they're all bloody ugly. Come Indecent Proposal. It's not your come back later. The Jewish-Arabic deaf 83 year old was one such give her five minutes to calm down. There are too many foreigners, too closer, Ladies and Gentlemen. My type of film, lovey. The Elephant debate hadn't been solved in the last religious speaker who'd been telling She said that I was still her son and ilk...' Had he ever had any violent many wavelengths. It's hard to tune voice is not very good today so Man would be more your type of twenty years, I didn't feel it was the wicked to repent since he was though she didn't understand why "Those sodomites' turned out to homophobics? 'Most of our into one in particular.' everybody except the Germans take film...' going to be solved this afternoon. 16 years old. He claimed that he'd be some quite nice people who only hecklers are closet queers who hate I was gay she'd always love me. a step forward. The nearer you are I was browsing through some of Speakers Corner was set up in converted to his way of thinking asked for tolerance, acceptance and themselves for their own My father didn't speak to me for a I asked a few tourists what they to me the nearer you are to heaven. the other debates and came across 1872 after a particularly unpopular 'quite a lot of people' including the same age of consent as for homosexuality. A guy called Andy year; he bought a statue of the thought of Speakers Corner; They I realise why a few of you blokes an Arab and a skull-capped Jew government decision had caused Baptist preachers. A dog collared heterosexuals. David, a 24 year old had heckled us for six or seven Virgin and prayed to it to make me were all entertained and commented are hesitant about bringing your who were engaged in a fairly polite riots in the area. Having recognised vicar told me before he sped off on teacher with a slight Mancunian years and then 'came out' and normal. It's this kind of thing we're that nothing like it existed abroad, girlfriends closer; I represent a if impassioned debate. the need for a place for free speech his cycle, that in seven years he accent, explained that the hecklers expected us to be his best friends trying to educate people against.' not in America, not in Canada, not in Turkey, not anywhere else. One threat because of my sexual charm. 'You Jews have always been the Government, in typical British hadn't converted anyone, so George of the 'Gay and Lesbian' platform and couldn't understand why we Opposite the Gay and Lesbian Indian gentleman stressed that Tonight when you make love to persecuted. You're always being style, imposed some trivial by-laws was doing rather well. George had were 'extraordinarily ignorant didn't want to know him. stand there was another David who such as banning the giving of although India is a democracy and them, you are going to be thinking kicked out of countries,' said the worked at a Sainsbury meat depot individuals'. We had one guy from 'Once we had two soldiers was 'homeless but I've been information on racing or betting, although such a place could exist about her but she is going to be Arab. for 40 years and added rather a small village in Lancashire who throwing cans at us and then homeless before' and angry that the the distribution of leaflets and there, none does. An American thinking about me....' "This is true,' Said the Jew. mysteriously that he was involved told us that he wasn't surprised that Charlie, over there,' he indicated a Government could spend sixty singing. Some rules are more called London 'the home of free And so on. But why does Martin 'Because we were always the with anything to do with coleslaw. gays weren't accepted; after all middle aged woman, 'Charlie was million pounds on the restoration of logical; one cannot incite to riot or speech'. One can become do it? He is quite frank and readily masters and rulers. Rulers of even 'We're all here to please God,' he they'd only been around for twenty aware after half an hour on the train Windsor Castle and not thirty swear but despite this a lot of complacent quite easily because to admits: T enjoy the attention. the Arabs.' said. 'It's not easy but I can tell you, years or so and it took time for it that she'd been followed by one of thousand on the Hostel he'd lived speakers swear profusely when the me visiting Speakers Corner was Everybody craves recognition and 'I'm proud of being an Arab, a it's the best life. Not like those to be accepted! He genuinely the soldiers. He came up and in that had to close. 'The problem prowling police are out of earshot. just something to do on an by doing this I get mine. I've been Semite. You Jews, you are homosexuals over there. All the thought it all started with Tom apologised for the behaviour he'd of homelessness is going to get However, at least half the speakers otherwise boring Sunday. coming here since I was 16 when American, English, Italian. You are problems with the world is to do Robinson's Glad to be Gay' in the shown in front of his friend; he was worse and worse and worse.'. are talking about religion and warn I came with my girlfriend and tried no longer Semitic...' with those sodomites and their seventies.' gay and was trying to fool his David was voicing his complaints

Page 13 Page 12 'eature 11 June 1993 Felix 970 Does she take sugar? What is Imperial doing to help its disabled students, and what can it do without causing offence? Stef Smith investigates.

It was all done so very casually. She hitched up her summer dress a few inches and injected herself in the thigh. How can this woman be disabled? She copes with her life as the rest of the populous, faces the same hurdles as any other student. She just has to inject herself with insulin a couple of times a day and watch what she eats. Diabetic? Yes. Inconvenienced? Definitely. Disabled? The word just doesn't fit. She herself objected to the word, 'Yes I've got a medical condition, but I'm not very happy about it being called a disability. I don't like the implications of that.' Her objections were more than just emotive. She also felt the word to be inaccurate, '.. .the term disabled LorettoO'Callaghan, Disabilities Officer. implies that in some way, your as well as clear up her apparently loops in lecture theatres for the hard something happened, and they were functionality is impaired, which strange definition of disability. of hearing and provisions for those doing some work in chemistry, they mine isn't.' Her office is in room 163 of the with language and speech could be a danger to themselves, or But why was she objecting to all Sherfield Building; the corridor that difficulties. So, what budget did she someone else...'. We jousted, and this in the first place? I certainly leads to the Bank; the corridor have for this rather large I tried to present different scenarios, wasn't calling her disabled, so who containing the Conference Centre; undertaking? The answer was a but Loretto kept ducking and was? the corridor that ironically has a very surprising no. 'It would be diving. She refused to budge and we It was all sparked off by a small flight of stairs at its entrance nice to have a budget, but it would stayed on different sides of that questionnaire circulated by the and no lift access. Obviously, have to be a nicely rounded budget.' fence. recently appointed Disabilities Imperial desperately needs a At the cost of over £30,000 for a I thanked her for the interview, Officer, Loretto O'Callaghan. She Disabilities Officer. disabled toilet, the budget would snapped a picture and returned to left the Accommodation Office, and Loretto's ideas for her job have to be very round indeed to the Felix Office to get a viewpoint was appointed Disabilities Officerseeme d rather straightforward, 'At refurbish College. on the side of diabetics. in late January. In May, she the moment (the job consists of) I was starting to warm to her. The Deidre Whitley, press officer for circulated a questionnaire going round looking at the Disabilities Officer in her moveth e National Diabetic Association concerning the situation of people buildings... seeing whether we can from the accommodation office was shocked me with what we had to with various disabilities in different get wheelchairs in, seeing whether now sitting on the other side of the say. I asked her bluntly on the departments. This questionnaire there's any equipment available.' fence. She used to create masses of society's attitude toward the word referred to people with hidden She continued to tell me her red tape and obstacles for students 'disabled', and while she did not disabilities and listed these as: findings; all the things that are in an effort to keep the like it she did not like the word, she diabetes, epilepsy, haemophilia, wrong with Imperial, all those little accommodation office afloat. Now admitted that diabetics can register heart condition and cystic fibrosis. things that can make life very she must cut through others' as disabled. The word has to be It was this questionnaire, and the difficult and access impossible to a bureaucracy to get anything done. applicable to the class as a whole, attitude that it created in her wheelchair user. When it comes But what was her attitude toward even if it does not fit individuals. department to which my friend down to the geography, stairs and the disabled. 'People who are Then it slowly dawned on me. objected. ramps of College, she certainly disabled don't like being referred to We have a stubborn, but very useful I cleared my mind of all the knows her stuff. as being any different to people who Disabilities Officer, and a girl that prejudices that came with Loretto Her interest did not end with are... able-bodied.' is hurt by the implication of a word. form the Accommodation Officewheelchai r users. Loretto has plans But are diabetics disabled? This just serves to highlight an even where she used to work and left to of white stripes on dark stairways, '.. .some diabetics have no problem; bigger problem. Just why is talk to her about her job in general, for the partially sighted, induction they manage, but if they didn't, or disability a stigma?

Loretto welcomes calls about problems and suggestions regarding disabled facilities at Imperial College on ext 3455

Page 14 Clubs & Societies Felix 970 11 June 1993

Long Shot for the Pistol Club

Long range pistol consists of explanation. All courtesy of 'the shooting a fairly standard handgun management'—"students views over fairly non-standard distances, come first". in this case over 100, 200 and 300 Fortunately Oxford think that yards hitting fairly small targets 'ballistic coefficient' is preceded by (e.g. 10 inches diameter at 200 0898 so although IC's kit consisted yards). This is a fairly tough of a dirty revolver and a box of proposition because to get a fairly rusty ammo, Oxford got a good normal handgun to shoot over stuffing. Well, they would have got extraordinarily long distances a good stuffing. On seeing that IC's requires distinctly non-standard score was almost 3 times Oxford's ammunition. This means DIY 1992 score they packed up and went ammo. Normally it entails putting home. as much powder as possible in the The actual shooting saga went case and then squashing the bullet something like: arrive on the 100 in with a vice. There is a plus and yard firing point at 9.00am; admire minus to this technique. The plus is clear blue sky and pristine target; that the bullet may just leave the spray two five round strings down barrel quick enough to travel 300 range in 30 seconds per string; yards before succumbing to admire clear blue sky and pristine Newton's finest. The minus point target. C J Hurr lead the IC team is that there is increased risk of a with the authority of a blind man, small localised explosion resulting scraping a paltry 41/50, A C Jones in instant dismissal from the range and E M T Young 40/50. and equally quick admission to Out at 200 yards and Jones hospital. This results in a trade-off showed how it was done, and was between potential accuracy and keen to tell others how easy it was perceived safety. Accuracy dictates HAIRDRESSERS too as he popped in a mightily a steady grip, cool gaze, and 15A HARRINGTON ROAD, impressive 48/50. Hurr and Young controlled breathing. Fears for 43/50. SOUTH KENSINGTON personal (no one gives a hoot about Out at 300 yards and anything can 071-823 8968 the folks either side) safety result in happen. Free beer, dancing girls, eyes being closed, hands over ears you name it. But generally wind. We have a fantastic offer for all you and uncontrolled whimpering. It Good for windmills, wind-surfing, students, a cut wash and blowdry gets worse when there are 30 odd Pierre parpy pants. But not good for people doing it. shooting. Jones though was scoring by our top stylist In pistol shooting few things are bulls a-plenty until the realisation (which normally costs around £21) certain (did I fire five, or was it that he was in danger of another six?), and the team turning up is one trophy and that there was simply no For only £11 Men £12 Women such phenomenon. Last year room for it at Clayponds led to a ICR&PC fielded a 'B' team as a complete miss. Hurr and Young Check us out! back-up in case all else failed. It suffered from wind. Scores for did. The 'A' team, consisting of the Jones, Hurr and Young were 40, then current executive, failed to 36, 34 respectively. enter the competition 'cos they were So, despite everything, IC put up crap. They failed to get the gun their best performance ever, refurbished, 'cos they were crap. aggregating 365/450. The final , lt4GTOM RD They failed to provide a new match individual scores were, A C Jones RR pistol because they spent the cash 128/150 (6th overall), C J Hurr on a fun-gun, undeniably fun, but 120/150, E M T Young 117/150. another crap idea. This year they Congrats to Jones for being an all- did exactly the same, except they round-mega-hero (and writing this), didn't buy a fun gun. and to Young for doing so well on This year the 'B' team faced his first attempt. Hurr once again further handicaps due to the range facilitated the whole show by refurbishment—crap idea, not being providing all the kit and most of the completed on time—crap project expertise. management, not being up to The latest entries on the Howe standard—crap planning, then being Cup now read Imperial, Imperial, arbitrarily closed—crap Imperial, Imperial, Imperial.

Page 1 5 M US1C 11 June 1993 Felix 970

Bjork - Human Behaviour She's back! With a voice that the angels would kill for, Bjork has come up with the strangest single in ages. The music fuses dance with her indie past, but it's her voice that Legend - Cry For Me grabs you by the scruff of the neck Cliched lyrics. Ejaculatory guitar. and turns you inside out. Essential. HAIRY COCK ROCK.. Bosco. Wake up, BoZos! This is the Out now on One Little Indian. nineties. No. Leave them. Let them have Sting - Fields of Gold their wet dream As oily as only he can be, this Ophelia. curmudgeonly old twat evidently Out 'soon' on Reckless Rhino feels the time is right to put on his Records. It's that word again. teacher's hat once more. I turn to 'Soon'. The ghost of Gareth my little friend, whom we shall call 'Takes it up the shitter' Light 'Gareth', and express the hope that rears its flowery head once more. Sir is not going to read any of his You heard what the man said. 'Hairy Cock Rock.' poetry. Oh. He is. Me? I'm sitting at the back of the Jo Jo Gretsch - Reach Out ATR David Bowie - Black Tie, class, doodling Sting caricatures in E.P. Is it just me or is everybody White Noise hilarious situations, and writing Likeable debut effort by latterday becoming sentimental? What actual The ol' phoenix from the ashes that unpleasant messages to little girls, punky rocky types; There are four changes did the 'hippy' movement rudely broke the 'Hasn't made a 'cos I've heard it all before. 'Please tracks on this E.P., 'I need you effect? None in my opinion, and the good record since...' thirteen year sir, Donny's not listening. He's now', 'Delicious', 'Breathless', and current vogue will have the same protocol with 'Jump They Say' drawing fun-sized willies, with your the title track. The tracks are none-effect. I people seriously want reveals more of itself than perhaps face on them' Cheers, Gareth. nothing special, but there's a little change then it will happen. The it should, ie, it's had its wings Donny O'Nonchalant bit of fairy dust in there, society dictates what happens in clipped. Are we mixing our Out now on A&M, though why particularly with 'Delicious'. Not society. So when someone stands up metaphors here? maybe, but we you'd wish to buy something by unpleasant, just a tad for their opinions you have to must ask if 'Black Tie' and 'White such a donkey's cock is beyond me. thro waway able. admire them. Using a style of music Noise' is an adequate enough Choc that tends to attract people with juxtaposition of racial cultures in Out now on Cheetah Records racist or other undesirable character order to make his point felt, that's stints on sax on this funky-ish traits takes guts, to say, fascism is a bad thing and number that isn't bad at all. peb its perpetrators are naughty fellows Congrats, Mr B. It seems the who relate more to uncivilised hunting season is over, and you're animals than their targets, smiling like you planned it this way conversely represented as the anyway. survival of high culture. Bowie Giselle ©TDK CAMPUS CHART June 1993

1 BULLET IN THE HEAD - Rage Against the Machine EPIC 2 REGRET - New Order London 3 CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT - Credit to the Nation One Little Indian 4 TOP 0' THE MORNING / JUMP AROUND - House of Pain Ruffness 5 AIN'T NO LOVE (AIN'T NO USE) - Sub Sub Rob's Records 6 UK / USA - Eskimos & Egypt One Little Indian 7 WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? - St. Etienne Heavenly 8 BELIEVE IN ME - Utah Saints FFFRR 9 TEN YEARS ASLEEP - Kingmaker Scorch 10 KILLING IN THE NAME - Rage Against the Machine EPIC 11 SO YOUNG - Suede Nude ATR: Extolling the virtues of traditional-style fist fucking. 12 WALKING IN MY SHOES - Depech Mode Mute 13 50FT QUEENIE - PJ Harvey Island The Stiff Kittens Code-505 345 675 Delta 9 14 ALL THAT SHE WANTS - Ace ol Base London -As You Walk I'm not too sure about this. On the 15 EJECT - Senser Ultimate This sounds remarkably out of time. A side is a rather dower track, 16 UG0T2KN0W-Capella Internal In many ways reminiscent of late nothing too it. But on the other side 17 FOR TOMORROW-Blur Food 60's US garage. It even has those there are three tracks, two mixes of 18 HUMAN BEHAVIOUR - Bjork One Little Indian PACKET OF PEACE - Lion Rock Deconstruction authentic touches, like little doses the A side and an original one. They 19 20 GEPETT0 (REMIX) - Belly 4AD of feedback in the middle of the are far more entertaining and could be considered exercises in beats and 21 CREATION - Stereo MC's Gee Street track as they play with their amps. 22 TEENAGE TURTLES - Back to the Planet Parallel rhythm. A bit hard to describe I have a feeling that this will be 23 BEAUTIFUL SON - Hole City Slang really, and I cannot recommend this crucified by the music press, but I 24 WAITING FOR THE MAN - The Velvet Underground Polydor to anyone not already familiar with like it and that's what you want 25 THE RETURN OF PAN - The Waterboys Geffen from me isn't it. Opinion, this genre, Chart complied by STREETS AHEAD peb peb

Page 16 M US1C Felix 970 11 June 1993 Albums Thousand Yard Stare—Mappamundi 'Hands on', moving on, a murkier second album from Thousand Yard Stare not quite so precise, so exact as the first; more variety; a deeper, more active album, less...less, more, more. Admittedly the first time I listened to it I was non-plussed, to say the least. In fact, I think the actual word was 'Bollocks!'. But all things take time. 'It's the quiet ones, that kill your friends'. Indeed, 'Mappamundi', creeps about, and now, oh now, it gives me goosebumps, jumps and lumps. Thousand Yard Stare: Messianic, or a trifle over-exposed? 'There's been a small change, a Aztec Camera - Dreamland wash type thing while Roddy wails line, reminiscent of John Williams time to rearrange', differences, yes, No doubt, someone somewhere is 'How sweet to fly, to touch the at his most flamboyant, but then but still pretty much unique, cheering the flowery return of sky', and achieves, not just the most 'Dreamland' is just a bit fucking recognisable as Thousand Yard former child prodigy Roddy Frame, stupendous musical moment ever, 'nice' all round. Stare: See for miles. he of such finely unsweaty moments but. 'Safe in Sorrow' follows, 'Dream Sweet Dreams' is the Easi Style! as 'High Land, Hard Rain', he for spinning us lines like 'Building up closing track on side one, and it's Out now on Stifled whom great things were expected. a big brick wall' and 'you will see probably the strongest song, in spite Aardvark/Poly dor. 'Good Morning Britain' aside, my love is for free'; dearie me, of Knopfler-esque guitar work circa though, he hasn't made a good Roddy, Mr Lyric's well and truly 'Making Movies'. The other side it really is time we took these record for eight years, or absent, isn't he? And Colonel takes the structure, takes out the unbelievably wealthy charlatans, thereabouts. If you disagree, that's Melody? Well, he seems to have bones, and, frankly, takes the piss. put them against a wall and shot ok, your prerogative, we're not downed a kilo jar of honey for extra Jesus Christ, this is the sort of mind- them for disgraceful careerist style fascists, et cetera. Bet you're sweetness, and a gallon of kaolin free wank you'd expect from Tina blandness. Remember John feeling pretty stupid now, though. for his diarrhoea. 'Black Lucia' Turner, and on the strength (sic) of Lennon. That's my little notelette Once past the 'Roddy Frame in starts promisingly enough, with a 'Pianos and Clocks' and 'Sister to Roddy Frame; Someone should Rock n' Roll pose' cover, we couple of chunks of roughneck Ann' you'd probably say that have told him you can only dream encounter the lyrics, and press guitar, but these vanish into Roddy's out of the Frame (Oh, har, for so long before you're dead. 'play'. The tasteful execution of saccharineland before you can say har, bloody har - sic. Ed). The Donny O'Nonchalant drums, Ryuichi Sakamoto's 'Hey, that's pretty good after the consensus around here is that Mr Out now on WE A. Aztec Camera keyboardy string arrangements, and last load of old bollocks'. 'Spanish Frame has in fact 'lost it'. I mean. have already finished their tour. Did the like, sort of rises up like a gende Horses' has quite a nice little guitar Lives have been ruined for less, and we get tickets? Ha. Did we fuck.

They're from Kirkcaldy, a Darlingheart - Serendipity channing little place not so far from First and foremost, I'd like to get Edinburgh where I spent a little of something off my chest; a copy of my youth. 'The Flood' opens the this review will go to NUS Ents, album, a brief, skimpy thing that and the managers of the Astoria, opens up for 'Loaded' 'Smarthead' where Darlingheart played a et cetera. The heavily under- support slot to Blur last friday exploited combination of guitar and (You remember. It was previewed cello is one Darlingheart have in Felix last week - sic. Ed): You employed to a highly proficient fucked up. I don't know which of degree; it sounds frequently like the you fucked up, but you fucked up Muses gone even folkier, but nonetheless, and, bureaucracy overall it is a darkness charming its aside, your door policy's shit and way into your head. The sleeve so is the wanker who enforced it notes, by the way, credit one on my reviewer. You may not Callum Gilhoully, of 'Absolutely' think it matters that much, but fame (or should that be infamy? - our student handbook carries a sic. Ed), for harmonica and (get venue guide, and the competition this) 'anorakium'. There's quotes for the worst venue in London (an from the poet, Stevie Smith, and accolade coveted previously by 'well-known Geordie sports the Hammersmith Odeon and commentator', Syd Waddell, too. Wembley Arena) looks like being As if that wasn't enough (Actually, a one- horse race, if you get my I could tell you that there's two girls meaning. C**ts. in the band, and they're both babes, but I (Shut up, O'Nonchalant; This This is Darlingheart's debut review's crap - sic. Ed) wouldn't album, and much as I'd like to stoop so low). Fair enough, boss. apologise for our incoherent obscurantism, we have reviewed Donny O'Nonchalant them before, as have others. Out now on Fontana. Darlingheart: Bet you can't do a funny caption for this, you bastard.

Page 17 M US1C 11 June 1993 Felix 970 Donny's Weekend Gig Guide

over their cheeks. They played here the things sans sense, and they're a couple of years back, you know, quite good at taking care. of and I was there, and they were audience participation et cetera... good, Lardi-Lardi-da-da. £4, from £6, from 8.30pm. 8.30pm. N.B. This gig may be IZIT - Paradise Bar Music Gig cancelled, due to Levitation'sAls o playing the Jazz Cafe on sudden absence from Bob Smith's Monday, this is one of the latest MUSIC PREVIEW birthday party (see Sunday), and the crop of jazz fusion bands we're fact that it was supposed to be a hearing good things of. You are Tonight Preview warm-up event. I advise you to get probably not paying the slightest bit Brixton Academy - Reggae on the blower. of attention as per fucking usual, but Awards you are seriously advised to go and Lots o'names, familiar and not so see these at some point, because I familiar, playing tonight; Tippa Irie intend to, and at a £5, £4 to you as is, worryingly, the biggest name students, you really can't go wrong here, but Chaka Demus, Peter this time. From 8pm to 2am. Hunningale and General Levy are among the notable presences tonight. Anticipate a heavy ragga Sunday 13th influence over the proceedings, but Freaky Realistic - Marquee it should be a fun evening for all Fun, Fun, Fun. And we'll have fun, aficianados. £15. Starting at 7pm fun, fun. Last seen drinking and running until 2am. Daddy's home beer (five get Cranes/ Slowdive - Clapham overexcited). I am mad from Grand Scandinavia... Must be crazy, and More ambient gothery as the Sagittarius, 'cause I'm a Leo, and straggly leftovers of 1985 gather to I'm hilarious.... And before you debate whether the Sisters have sold could say 'repetitive strain injury, out, and to do each other's eyeliner. and after a nasty bout of myalgic Expect a few nightmares and encephalomyelitis, too', they led neuroses to come swirling (that's him away... fun, fun, fun... from 'swirling', readers - sic. Ed) out of 7.30pm. the Rockinghorse Room amid the GREAT EXPECTATIONS: The dead giveaway odour of ammonia Cure/ Carter USM/ Sugar/ Belly/ and sulphates perfumed with The Frank & Walters/ Senseless patchouli, and don't go dressed as Things/ Catherine Wheel/ a Morticia-like for a laugh. Well Kingmaker/ The Family Cat & ethereal, my beery mates said. Aye, More - Finsbury Park. I agreed. Right eerie. £7.50. When I was a lad, my dad used to say to me 'Son, when you're all 7.30pm until lam. Cranes: 'Don't talk rubbishOf course I look like Robert Smith' grown up, be a smug semi-talented Omar - Klimax at Chat's Palace Therapy? - Forum Saturday 12th bastard who's as rich as God'. I'm Smooth and ultra-sophistico Well, I suppose I'd better apologise Television/ No Man - Forum nearly there, dad. All I've got to do bedroom soul from the voice who for thinking them Welsh, when in Now then, Davros m'dear, you may is finish my debut novel, and wait brought us 'There's nothing like fact they're Irish with a capital 'Ire'. be a bitter and twisted old jazz for my dazzled audience to swarm this' nearly two years ago now. Do you like that? It's called wit, you hipster with but one of yer like a whole bunch of bees on heat. Jeez. Don't time fly? Nonetheless, know. Songs of the nasty, brutish compositions gracing the pop Bob's plan was a cracker, too. take I'm sure you recall the poetic and short (a description that seems market, but you shouldn't be so yer laces out yer trainers, smear yer heights of 'Sip a glass of cold to be in vogue again) variety, this keen to bury Tom Verlaine et al bright scarlet lipgloss all over yer champagne wine / The rug that we foray into the public domain comes (Who is this 'Al' bloke? he seems face, and pour a few vulnerable lie on feels divine', and imagined highly recommended by yours to work with everyone - sic. Ed). sighs into a microphone for a few the sort of cheapo geek responsible truly. No support, but then again, Gaaan... stick on Stephen Duffy an' hours. Stay credible for a further for such egocentric drivel. And none necessary or even desirable. shaah us yer pissaaah... £12. twenty years by having the coolest what do you pay for lots of chat and It's probably just a one-off to 7.30pm. bands around support you stuff about satin sheets? a mere £7. showcase the 'Face the Strange' Fleadh '93 - Finsbury Park periodically, too. Strange as it may It's a snip at twice the price, and E.P. (Don't forget to say that it was Fucking hell. Where to begin. Bob seem, but I'm rather of the opinion you've worked hard; Go on, treat reviewed last issue - sic. Ed) I Dylan. Van Morrison. Hothouse that that says it all. £18.50. yerself, loves, 'cause you deserve know, I know! 'Face the Strange' Flowers. Pogues. Fat Lady Sings. Admission at 1pm. it. 10pm 'til late. was reviewed last issue, and was Marxman. Runrig. Kirsty MacColl. Utah Saints - Rocket (phone for well-liked. So much so that the Mary Coughlan. The Four of Us. details) reviewer would like his copy back, The Men They Couldn't Hang.JC001 / Free Speech/ The Phuse Dance-friendly technorock Mr Gareth 'Queer as Fuck' Light. Lindisfarne. Stiff Little Fingers.- PlaneI'll t Soul at Orange. sampling pop de classique; in yer £8. From 7pm. stop there, I think; £25, and several Really fast hard shit with a strongly face and dead groovy with snooks Levitation/Land of Barbara/Out more bucketloads of bands on top anti-fascist message coming at you well and truly cocked at their of my hair - Splash Club at Water of that. From 12noon. from JC001, the fastest rapper in former post-gothic industrial Rats Senseless Things - Old Trout, the country, nay, the World. cyberpunk alteregos, Cassandra Don't know about the others, but Windsor Solid, vividly-reproduced Something of a rising star, his truly Complex. Very sharp-eyed and Terry Bickers' Levitation are guitar power-pop that's at its best cosmopolitan background and inventive stuff, and, if they play it, always a must, brilliant songs that when they perform live, and in the mesmerising presence make him a 'Something Good' will be the leave former band The House of most tranquil venue for, ooh, real spectacle for the Orange. nearest thing to a live date Kate Love with huge quantities of hundreds of miles. They can tend Should be spellbinding. £6, from Bush has done in absolute aeons. smashed chicken foetus schlepped towards the active, too, Cass and 8.30pm.

Page 18 R eviews Felix 970 11 June 1993 -Theatre Boo The Man In The Window by Jon Cohen. Withering Looks Take four people with their own This an evening starring only two problems and attitudes towards life. actresses who are members of Louis, who for 16 years, since a fire N. I. B. H. L. S (pronounced- nibbles), left him disfigured, hasn't left his which is National Institute for house, hiding himself from all his Bringing History to Life Society. neighbours and observing the world They take you through the lives of from his window, finds himself the Bronte sisters (Charlotte and having to go outside again. Emily only, Anne was too His mother who has to face her unimportant) and explain their husband's death. Iris, an works. unattractive nurse but with a great Boring? You must be joking. personality and sense of humour to This is a total piss take of the work help her. of the Bronte's. Periodically, hints Her father, trying to cope with and tips are given for GCSE getting old and "falling to pieces" students which have to be seen to as he describes himself. appreciate fully and the actresses Entangle those 4 lives, make regularly pull revolting faces, 'It's me, I'm Catheee, I've come home now.' them evolve in the middle of especially when the phrase Warvely's population, add a bit of 'Withering Looks' is said. white cardboard cut outs and take of the Bronte's could not go magic and you get the basis of' "The I had two favourite parts of the hysterical sound effect provided by without a snippet of the number one Man in the Window". I know this ninety minute show. The first was the actresses. Sounds odd? Again, song by Kate Bush, Wuthering may sound a pretty boring and when Emily Bronte, played by see it appreciate it. Heights, you were wrong. It's in depressing story, but to my surprise Audrey (a member of N.I.B.H.L.S, The second memorable point was there. Go and see this play to find it wasn't. The book is at the same who was played by Maggie Fox), when the actresses acted a clip from out where. time sad and funny, well written, described to her sister Charlotte the 1939 MGM version of Harry and does not fall into sickening (played by Olivia, who was played Wuthering Heights, starring Drill Hall Arts Centre, 16 sentimentality (only a touch every by Sue Ryding) the story of Lawrence Olivier and David Niven. Chenies St, WC1. Goodge St. now and then, especially at the Wuthering Heights in five minutesN,o description, go and see it. Tube. Tue- Sat 7.30pm. Cones £6. end). using eight inch high black and Finally, if you thought that a piss Ends June 26th. Of course, if what you want of a book is sex and violence, then this one is not for you. But otherwise, it makes enjoyable reading. ATTENTION ASTHMA J.D. -Theatre Price £5.99, published by Black Swan. AND HAY FEVER Recommended SUFFERERS. Danny Boy comes from the Christian angle; This is a black comedy about a general doctrine, miracles, dead Northern Irish catholic who gets budgies and Catholic/Protestant The Clinical Studies Unit at the Royal Brompton Hospital is conducting a visited by the Angel Gabriel and differences. There are sobering told that he is the Son of God. interludes concerned with the series of clinical trials to evaluate new treatments for asthma and hay fever There are many things Jesus U political aspects of Irish life. (Danny) has in common with Danny's mother wants him to Jesus—the original version. He use his 'spiritual powers' to is a woodwork teacher (almost fight the republican cause, but IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN PARTICIPATING IN THESE a carpenter), he's thirty, and— he just wants 'peace, love and most convincing—he's got a understanding' along with his IMPORTANT STUDIES PLEASE CONTACT: beard. Oh yes, and his parents first disciple, his best friend names are Mary and Joseph. Dermot, a pacifist Stalinist who SARAH AIRMAN Given my views on the subject he raised from the dead. (I'm a Christian) I may have 071 351 8971 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday The play reached its found this deeply blasphemous, inevitable conclusion in a way ibut due to the fact that many 071 351 8976 24 hour answering machine. that wasn't at all tacky and made Christians have a sense of its point very well. (Please leave your name, contact phone number, time and date.) humour about much of their You really should go and see faith, I found it absolutely this play, its absolutely brilliant. hysterical. The Church of Spend some of that money and England is described as go and see it. All trials are approved by the Ethics Committee 'Atheism with Hymns', and an Flossie of the Royal Brompton Hospital Orange Man (Protestant) says Etcetera Theatre, Oxford 'Anyone who's been Arms Pub, 256 Camden High excommunicated can't be all Expenses incurred when participating in clinical trials will be Rd., NW1, Camden Town bad'. reimbursed Tube. Tue-Sun 9.30pm. Cones The humour in the play £5.50.

Page 19 Reviews 11 June 1993 Felix 970

aspect of the evening that caused me powerful climax. The production is John and Ann can at last be Opera a feeling of deja vu. Near the completely at sea, and the chorus married. The trouble is, the beginning of the work we hear the resort to the tried and tested house characters haven't engaged our sound of breathing (Tippett's maxim: if in doubt, writhe around sympathy enough for us to care one ENO: Inquest of Love Symphony no. 4 is just as evocative hysterically. way or the other—Ann in particular 'Will there be a pre-performance and doesn't need a synthesiser); the Act II introduces several angels. is not helped by the off-puttingly talk?' I asked (there sometimes is first murder is seen three times from (Actually they may have appeared wide vibrato Linda McLeod brings before a world premiere). 'Er.. .no,' different angles—Birtwistle used a briefly in Act I, but since they were to the part. The peal and boom of was the reply, 'but there is a pre- similar trick for the decapitation of suspended from the ceiling with the synthesised wedding bells, be performance meditation, it's about the Green Knight in Gawain—and their faces painted blue, it was hard they everso carefully sampled, transcendentalism, you see.' Good there's a chorus of monks, whose to tell.) Josh is an imp in baggy, engenders no emotional response job, really; it takes a hefty dose of plainchant-inspired music recalls orange satin shorts Philia, by the whatsoever, like too much of what the transcendental to cope with the recent successes by Tavener and red cross on her chest appears to be has gone before. fact that your three principals have Part. a nurse, although from her name, So, if it's music and all got themselves killed by the end The opera opens with synthesised she might be a dentist. Or transcendentalism you're after, my of Act I. Composer Jonathan whale-moans and receding transcendentist (crap pun!—Ed). advice is, put on a personal stereo, Harvey overcomes this problem by motorway traffic noises. A striking Thankfully the second scene head for Oxford Street and get setting Act II of his new Inquest of theme surfaces to accompany the manages to find some musical and yourself nabbed by the Hare Love in the afterlife, where the Abbott (Richard Van Allan, in fine dramatic focus; John and Ann are Krishnas. lovers John and Ann and the voice, although mostly conducted by the Psychopomp, an Patrick Wood. rejected, gun-toting Elspeth have to unintelligible). But Harvey seems eschatalogical lift-attendant, down Further performances at the purge themselves of the suffering almost deliberately to shy away into the Chasm, where emotionally Coliseum, St Martin's Lane, at they have inflicted. This territory from cumulative motivic derailed wraiths scramble around 7.30pm on the 11th, 17th and 22nd may sound familiar, having been progression, so on a first hearing, inside the coaches of a wrecked of June. covered by several Hollywood that appeared to be just about all train. Harvey succeeds in sustaining feelgood flicks during the last few there was to the first act, until the the interest during a reconciliation years, and indeed it wasn't the only final minute brought a sudden and scene with Elspeth, after which Big Space ^Theatre

Sex In My Anorak Firstly, this 'play' does not focus on sex nor anoraks so perverts will be disappointed. Secondly, this is not a play but eighty minutes or so of comedy sketches, so luvvies and darlings of the theatre will be disappointed if they go for an evening of pretentious delights. Finally, this is bloody good and must be seen. The links between certain sketches are very good but some scenes do drag on past their laugh-by date. I'm only going to tell you a few of the acts to wet your appetite and these are possibly the best: A song about masturbation, a piss take of 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, advice on how to get a woman / man into bed, and what to order in an Armenian restaurant. The Canal Cafe Theatre allows to Sorry readers, it's time for a Donny O' Nonchalent type rant beneath this picture from ENO: eaInquestt and Ofdrin Love.k whil e being Only one more Felix to go (sniff, sniff). Are you going to miss us over the summer? Will you entertainedbe pining. foiBu t don't bother. You our nipple-erecting news, or our museful music reviews, or our fabulous features, or our revealingwill laughin reviews,g so muc h that the food or our whip-cracking what's on section, or our raunchy RAG page, or our unbelievable Union pagewill go ? col I knowd and you r money will I will. What will you do instead? Will you be very sad and buy Q or Smash Hits or some other glossybe wasted dribble. not worthy for the bin ? Don't give in to temptation. Be strong. Be brave. October isn't that far Harroff. It'sy only approximately 13 weeks away. 13 WEEKS!!!!! Oh my God!!! That's years away!!! Donny, be Th a lovee Cana andl passCaf e Theatre, the scalpel. Let me slash my wrists now and end the agony. Donny? Donny? Are you OK? What's Delamerthat bloode Terrace , Warwick Ave. gushing from your wrists ? Bastard! He's left without saying goodbye. Typical of him really.Tube . Wed-Sun 8pm £5, no cones.

Page 20 R eviews Felix 970 11 June 1993 -Theatre

The Taming of the Shrew Toby Robertson's production of the Taming of the Shrew is a delight to watch. This Shakespearean comedy is performed in the idyllic setting of the Regent's Park Open Air Theatre. The magnificent colours of both stage and costumes together with the superb acting render this play truly alive and energetic. Cathy Tyson (from the film Mona Lisa) skillfully plays a scornful Katherina, whilst Geordie Johnson provides her match as Pertuchio. This was my first visit to the Open Air Theatre and in one word I'd describe it as 'magical'. What more can I say but you must go even if this is your only trip to the London Theatre. Sonia. 'You know that I'd do anything for you, my love' Open Air Theatre, Regent's 'Of course, my love' Park. Until 10th September 1993. "Then why do you insist that we do our faces like Perriot clowns and wear these over-the-top costumes Tickets £5-£15.50. Box Office before we make love?' 071-486 2431/1933. The actress from the Taming of the Shrew goes silent.

Puzzler: What was the name of the play that Madonna Theatre Gossip... starred in when it premiered on Broadway in 1988?

by Reviews Ed. Felix was supposed to bring you a review of Andrew Lloyd-Webber:through an alternative interpretation The Musical this week but the show of the career of Andrew Lloyd IMPERIAL was cancelled at the last minute. Webber'. Apparently the organisers All I can say is that it must be a COLLEGE postponed the show until further bloody good play for Mr. Lloyd- notice, as Mr. Lloyd-Webber was Webber to sue them and he should suing them for libel or deformation be able to take criticism, since he of character. has a virtual monopoly on the The show, being presented at The theatre world at this present time. Birds Nest Theatre, (32 Deptford I advise you to phone for tickets Chruch St., SE8, New Cross Tube, as soon as possible. This sudden 081 694 1600), is described by development is guarenteed to make ONE EVENING PER WEEK Time Out as a 'short, satirical tripit extremel y popular. PART-TIME STAFF VACANCY UNION STEWARDS Responsible, level-headed postgraduate and undergraduate students are required to work one evening a week in the Union Building. Primary responsibilities include: Providing assistance to users of the Union Bldg Checking Union cards at the entrance of Beit Ensuring the building is secure Indentifying any possible sources of trouble and informing security well in advance Successful applicants will be well paid and will be trained in customer care, basic law, security procedures and first aid. For further information, apply to THE DEPUTY PRESIDENT UNION OFFICE, BEIT QUAD Ext: 3502 Andrew Lloyd Webber in close proximity to some pussy.

Page 21 What's On What's On 11 June 1993 Felix 970 Felix 970 11 June 1993

FRIDAY tubes. Seats £6.50; cones £3.50 1st Cinema perf Mon-Fri for students. This IC Radio Schedule Camden Plaza week: What s 211 Camden High St, NW1 Sommersby 2.15 4.30 6.45 9.00 Wedlock the Opera 8 pm Sun 6 pmSUNDA Y with promotions in the Union Bar. Day FR111 SAT 12 SUN 13 MON 14 TUE 15 WED 16 THU 17 (071-485 2443) Camden Town Notting Hill Cornet £5.50-7 Cinema French Soc Bible Study Time tube. Seats £5; 1st show daily Notting Hill Gate, Wll (071-727 Mela 8.30 pm Sun 6 pm £5-6 Electric Cinema Club meeting, 12 noon Clubs in the following departments, Donny £3.80; cones £2.30 1st perf only. 6705) Notting Hill tube. Seats £5. 8-9 Love at a loss 7.30 pm Sun 5.30 pm Today: The Quince Tree Sun 3.30 Comittee Room physics lecture theatre 1 12-lpm. & Jontv This week: This week: (ends Sun)£6-7.50 + Van Gogh 12.40 Spanish Society Maths/Chem/Computing Huxley Jamon, Jamon 2.15 4.25 6.40 8.55Falling Down 3.20 6.00 8.30 (All The Bush Bram Stoker's Dracula 8.20 + Learn to dance 'Sevillanes 'at 1.15413 12-lpm. Mech Eng 709 l-2pm. 9-10 MUSIC Chelsea Cinema not Sat) 2.15 4.40 7.00 9.30 (All Shepherds Bush Green W12, Dance081 of the Vampires 6.20. pm in the Concert Hall Civ Eng/Mines Civ Eng 444. Elec 206 King's Rd , SW3 (071-351 Sat only) 11.00 (Late Fri) 743 3388, Prince Charles Free Juke Box and Music Eng/Life Sciences Elec Eng 407a 10-11 JAM MORNING 3742) Sloane Sq tube. Seats £5.50; Odeon Kensington Backstroke in a crowded pool 8 Todaypm : Singles 2.00 in the Union Building. 12-2pm. 1st show daily £3.80; cones £2.80 MUSIC JAM 263 Kensington High St, W8 Not Sun, £6-9 The Double Life ofVeronique 4.00 Riding Club Fitness Club 11-12 Phil H 1st perf only. This week: (071-371 3166) Ken High St tube. Drill Hall A River Runs Through It 6.00 Meeting 12.30-1.30, Southside 5.30-6.30pm in Southside Gym Madame Bovary 2.45 5.30 8.20 Seats £5.80 and £6.30 This week: 16 Chenies Street WC1, 071 637 Withnail & I 8.45 Upper Lounge Intermediate level 12-1 Robin G Electric Cinema Frauds 2.25 4.50 7.15 9.40 (All 8270. [College Radio Modellers Club Dance Club 191 Portobello Rd, Wll (071-792 Wed and Thur only) Withering Looks 7.30 pm Not SuFitnesn s Club meet in Southside Upper Lounge Beginners Ballroom 6-7pm. 2020) Notting Hill/ Ladbroke 1-2 RSaw Lofty The Vanishing From Fri: 1.40 4.20 £6-10 2.00-3.00pm in Southside Lounge. l-2pmor contact David Walker in Improvers Ballroom/Latin 7-8pm in Grove tubes. Seats £4.50. Today : 7.00 9.40 Late Fri, Sat: 12.20 Etcetra Theatre Intermediate. Chem Eng 3. the JCR. Intermediate Reservoir Dogs 1.40 5.15 8.50 + 2-3 Bad Behaviour 2.15 4.45 7.15 9.45 Oxford Arms 265 Camden High Stoic ICSF Ballroom/Latin(Social) 8-9pm. Point Blank 3.30 7.05 (All Wed, Thur only) From Fri: Street NW1 071 482 4857 Available in Southside, Beit Hall, open their Library every lunchtime FilmSoc Gate Cinema 7.15 9.45 Danny Boy 7.30 pm finishes Sun JCR, Da Vinci's and soon Linstead, to members who join for £3 7.30pm Mech Eng 220. 3-4 Globe Alex 87 Notting Hill Gate, Wll Swing Kids From Fri: 1.40 4.20 £5.50-6.50 Gardens and Weeks! SPLOTSOC The Soup Run (071-727 4043) Notting Hill Gate 7.00 9.40 Lyric Hammersmith From 8 pm THE MOVIE Every Tuesday 12.15pm-1.30pm in deliever Soup to homeless people4-5 Trotter Lotty Bruno tube. Seats £5.50, Sun mat £4; National Lampoons Loaded King St W6 071 741 2311 CHANNEL Southside Upper lounge meet at Weeks Hall 9.00 pm Bryan's cones (card required) £3 Mon-Fri Weapon 1.15 3.25 (Both Wed and Romeo and Julliet 7.30 pm Wed Fitness Club Spanish Society 5-6 Jaymz Brooks Mayhem before 6pm, Sun mat £3. This Thurs only) From Fr: 2.35 and Sat Mat 2.30 pm £7.50-15 MONDAY 5.30-6.30pm in Southside Lounge.Meetin g in Southside Lounge at 1 week: Indochine 5.35 9.00 (Both Wed andLyri c Studio Cinema Advanced pm. 6-7 Top 40 Dli & Reg Mediterraneo 3.00 (not Sun) 5.00thu r only) see Lyric Hammesmith Electric Cinema Canoe Club Stoic 7.00 9.00 Late Fri, Sat 11.15 3 Ninja Kids From Fri: 12.45 2.55In Lambeth 8 pm Sat Mat 4 pm Today: Juliet of the Spirits 3.15 Meet 6.15 pm in Beit Quad andAvailabl e in Southside, Beit Hall, 7-8 Chris David Mathias Sonia Vic & Ni Sun Mat at 1.00 Cinema Paradiso5.05, Wed Only: 12.45 3.00 £5-6.50 8.20 + 9.00 in Southside contqact J AlemanJCR, Da Vinci's and soon Linstead, + at 3.15 The Icicle Thief Jack the Bear 5.15 7.40 (Both Wed Tricycle Theatre City of Women 12.45 & 5.50 Bio 3. Gardens and Weeks! 8-9 Mac News Rob News MGM Chelsea and Thur only) 269 Kilburn High street, 071 328 Prince Charles Dance Club 1.15 Stoic News: All the latest from 279 King's Rd, SW3 (071-352 Nowhere to Run Last Perf at 10.00 1000 Today: The Last of the Mohicans Beginners Ballroom/Latin 6-7pm. around campus and the country. Dan & 9-10 Alex Nick M Ian 5096) Sloane Sq tube then bus. (Wed and Thur only) Studs 8 pm Not Sun, Sun Mat 5 pm 1.30 Intermediate Ballroom/Latin 7.00 Into the night: Films Features Ore Seats £6; cones £3.50 Mon-Fri Close to Eden From Fri: 2.05 (not £5.50-11.50 The Breakfast Club 4.00 8-9pm. Advanced Ballroom/Latin and of course News before 5pm. This week: sat Sun) 4.40 7.15 9.50 Late Fri, College Thelma & Louise 6.15 8-9pm. 10-11 NeilP Adam B Ben 3 Ninja Kids 1.45 3.45 5.45 (Wed Sat: 12.25 Rag Meeting A Few Good Men 9.00 Stoic and Thurs only) 1.25 3.20 (Sat and The Jungle Book 12.25 2.30 (Sat 1.10pm in the Ents Lounge oppsite[Colleg e Available in Southside, Beit Hall, Sun) and Sun only) Da Vinci's. Dance Club JCR, Da Vinci's and soon Linstead, Travelling Howards End Wed and Thur only Un Coeur en Hiver 2.15 (Wed and Third World First Beginners Rock and Roll 6-7pm in Gardens and Weeks! Last performance at 9.00 Army of Thur only) 4.45 7.15 9.45 Late Fri, weekly meeting 12.45 Southside JCR. Latin Medals 7-8.30pm From 8 pm THE MOVIE Softly spoken Irishman Darkness 1.30 3.30 5.40 7.45 9.50 Sat: 12.15 Upper Lounge Fitness Club CHANNEL (contradiction in terms - Ed) The Mind! Groundhog Day 2.10 4.40 7.20 Groundhog Day Wed, Thur: 1.55 Fitness Class 5.30-6.30pm in Southside Lounge. seeks loving sheep to share 9.40 4.30 7.05 9.40 From Fri: 1.50 4.25 5.30pm in Southside Gym step Beginner WEDNESDAY Celtic charms with. CTS TRAVEL,„Reduces the Cost! Bad Behaviour 2.00 4.30 7.10 9.40 7.00 9.35 Late Fri, Sat: 12.10 Class take your student card. IC Cricket Club Cinema Prime Minister seeks From Fri: ".30 (Not Sat, Sun) 5.05 Prince Charles surgeon to remove daggers from Stoic Meet Mech Eng foyer at 7.15 pmfor Electric Cinema NORTH AMERICA EUROPE 7.20 9.45 back. Apply 10 Downing St. LONG HAUL Leicester Place, WC2 (071-437 Available in Southside, Beit Hall, training at MCC Cricket School. Today: The Crying Game 4.55 8.40 071-323 5180 Hayfever Sufferer looking 071-637 5601 071 323 5130 Orlando 1.40 3.40 (neither Sat or 8181) Piccadilly/Leicester Sq tubes. JCR, Da Vinci's and soon Linstead, Whites are Essential. Stoic The Miracle 3.10 6.55 for someone to kill all plants Sun) 7.30 9.30 (Both Wed and Thur Seats £1.20. Today: My Own Gardens and Weeks! Available in Southside, Beit Hall, Prince Charles within a 50 mile radius. only) 5.40 7.40 9.40 Private Idaho 1.30 Bad LieutenantFro m 8 pm THE MOVIE JCR, Da Vinci's and soon Linstead, Today: The Double Life of Experienced preferred. The Jungle Book 1.40 3.35 (Both 3.45 / Was on Mars 5.50 Malcolm CHANNEL Gardens and Weeks! Veronique 1.30 MEXICO ^Wj&«iFulham Rd UCI Whiteleys Cinema Bad Lieutenant 9.00 239 439 essential. Fulham Road, SW10 (071-370 Whiteleys Shopping Centre, (071 Electric Cinema TUESDAY Theatre DALLAS 202 398 2636) South Ken tube then bus. Composer Of Sunset 792 3324/3332). This week: Falling Today: Blade Runner the Director'sCinem a BAC LOS ANGELES J24.240 Bouelvard seeks talent. Apply 205 329 Seats £6; cones £3.50 Mon-Fri Down 12.50 3.25 6.20 8.55 Cut 3.45 & 8.30 + Electric Cinema Groping for Trouts in a perculiar the Adelphi Theatre. MIAMI before 5pm. This week: Indecent Proposal 1.30 4.10 6.5Brazil5 1.10 & 5.55 Today: Thank God I'm a Lesbian river 7.30 pm £5-6 267 469 Writer Of Boxing Helena Falling Down 1.40 4.15 6.55 9.30 9.35 Prince Charles 2.45 5.55 9.05 + My Father is College NEW YORK 264 473 Indecent Proposal 1.10 4.10 6.5The0 Vanishing 1.15 3.55 6.35 9.10 Today: The Vanishing 1.30 needs his head examined. Coming 4.20 7.30 Tenpin Bowling Club ORLANDO 206 379 9.30 Army of Darkness 12.40 2.50 5.30Green Card 4.00 Prince Charles meet 2.15pm in Aero Foyer orHo n Sec seeks razor. Apply Job Centre. SAN FRANCISCO 124 247 PAI&P Sommersby 1.10 4.10 6.50 9.30 7.45 10.00 The Last of the Mohicans 6.30 Today: A River Runs Through It contact Pete Sharpe Bio PGx 7488 284 S47 Alive 1.10 3.50 6.45 9.30 (Wed, Untamed Heart 2.30 4.55 7.20 9.5The0 Distinguished Gentleman 9.01.300 Pretty in Pink 4.00 Blade Fitness Club Organiser needs lots of booze TORONTO ; 122 226 ROME; ;\.\; , 62 120 SINGAPORE 231 435 Thur only) From Fri: 1.10 3.50 Groundhog Day 1.05 3.45 6.10 Zu Warriors from Magic Mountain for end of term piss up. Runner—The Director's Cut 6.15 1.15-2.15pm Southside Lounge. VANCOUVER ^ , «1 318 TEL AVIV . 99 169 SYDNEY 334 661 6.45 9.30 8.45 + Panty Hose Hero 11.30pm The Big Blue 9.00 Intemediate/Beginner Anything with alcohol in it v Untamed Heart From Fri: 1.4Sommersby0 4.30 7.05 9.40 [College Theatre accepted. WASHINGTON ; 93 186 VtENNA \ 63 125 TOKYO 265 489 4.40 7.00 9.30 3 Ninja Kids 2.20 Stoic The Bush THURSDAY Imperial College needs a few thousand students who aren't so Cop and a Half 1.40 4.40 (Both Swing Kids 1.30 (not Sat, Sun), Available in Southside, Beit Hall, Etcetra Theatre Cinema fucking apathetic. ROUND THE WORLD Wed and Thur only) 4.05 6.45 9.25 JCR, Da Vinci's and soon Linstead, Gimpel the fool and The last Demon Electric Cinema Passenger 571.10 9.20 (Both Wed Cop and a Half\A5 (Sat, Sun only) Gardens and .Weeks! 7.30 pm £6-7.50 Today: Forbidden Love + My £799 and Thur only) Theatre From 8 pm THE MOVIE A cold hand in Winter 9.30pm No Grandma's Lady Cabaret 5.20 8.50 Minema BAC CHANNEL Price Given Salmonberri.es 3.35 7.05 44 Goodge Sfteetlf rf 45 Knightsbribge, SW1 (071-235 176 Lavender Hill, SW11 071 223 Tricycle Theatre College London Wl¥2AD #3 iDlMjMbatiploa High St. 4225) Knightsbridge/ Hyde Park 2223, Membership £1. Quiz Night O GOODGE STREET $.m London W8 ZRA IATA Licensed 9 HIGH STREET KENSINGTON

Page 22 Page 23 Miscellaneous 11 June 1993 Felix 970 MAD A startling revelation rocked the Felix office yesterday when it was discovered that Declan Curry, former news editor of Felix, is going insane. The surpise came when Mr. Curry was on the telephone chasing up a story when he suddenly and unexpecedly made a loud warbling type noise by shaking his head to and fro. All who were present stopped what they were doing to wipe their faces free of the saliva that was ensuing from this action. Mr. Curry was quickly dressed in a straightjacket with matching manacles and given life membership to Devil's Island.

Bizarre satanic ritual takes place at Putney. It's just a coincidence that the Boat Club is based there. of News and current affairs. Cat's Eyes Yours truly has his own space in the News edition. It will contain Boat Club Report special thanks to everyone who has Chris Davidson got in my good books throughout the year, and also mega fuckings to London Docklands Regatta, held squad beat a much-fancied A message from someone far away: anyone who has got in my bad over two days on the 5th and 6th University of London BC four to To Chris, having a lovely time. books. June, was the top multi-lane event win Senior 1 coxless fours, and Take good care and I'll see you very of the season and once again, complete and impressive first day Imperial were the top club in of racing. Feeling Hot racing. Entries were not large but On the Sunday conditions were Ballet Along with lazy days and low the quality of the opposition crews still and margins thus slightly I have never been a lover of ballet heating bills, summer also brings was very high, and races always larger. The women stole the and cannot think why anyone would bad tidings. Hay fever, traffic jams, hard-fought. limelight with a dramatic win in want to pay to see a soir(accent on blistering heat and TV summer On Saturday, a stiff tailwind took Senior 1 eights, rowing down their lst)ee of scantly clad people specials are to name but a few. the edge off the blazing heat and more experienced opponents at the jumping around spasmodically to Would you want it to be summer all produced some very fast and close finish. Congratulations to Nick classical music. But it seems that year long? What would summer be racing. The premier event of the Wilde the women's coach who has those who do want to see such a called then? weekend, Open Eights, was entered pulled the crew together. performance have to pay through by IC's potential Henley Temple A crew re-shuffle in the Open the roof. Lady Chatteriy's Lover Cup crew and they were faced with Eight left them with the silver to the If a theatre production was being How disappointing. One feeble bid the top crews from London RC, London boat and a quad from held at any West End theatre, the at a sex scene in the entire 55 Thames Tradesmen and prospective Thames RCand IC snatched silver price range would be from about minute episode. Come back A Year Henley opposition in Oxford Poly also in Open Quad Sculls. The £10 to £30. Hold a ballet at the In Provence, all is forgiven. and Reading University and IC held Open Quads winners on both days same theatre, and the price range on for a 0-3 second verdict and the were shocked by an IC student, and soars from £10 to £60. Why? Hon Sec gold. Open Mens Sculls was won by ex- What a nicking joke (the election Meanwhile, IC women continued IC Leon Fletcher, to underline our Finale for new one, not the current one). their improvement with classy wins dominance. These results bode well As you were told by Jonty's I don't think that it can hardly be in College coxed fours and Senior for Henley (Men's and Women's) editorial last week, there will be described as an election. 3 eights, both victories by success and more immediately, the three special edition Felices coming But it's hardly the right time of substantial margins, one of them top squad trip to Paris International out on Wednesday 23rd; one will year to hold one, is it? produced a gold medal. Another Regatta on 12/13th June. be full of Features, one will be full P.J.Dodd Henley crew from the men's top of Reviews and the other will be full

Felix is produced for and on behalf of the Imperial College Union Publications Board and is printed by the Imperial College Union Print Unit, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB (Tel: 071-225 8672). Editor Jonty Beavan, Business Managers FELiX Simon Govier and James Grinter. Copyright Felix 1993. ISSN 1040-0711.