Cherry Muffins: A Demon Play by Elizabeth A. M. Keel
5415 Scott St. Apt. 50 Houston, TX 77021 [email protected] (832) 277-6858 elizabethamkeel.com
©2019 SYNOPSIS Loreliar is a sex demon. She comes from the long and illustrious line of Drainer succubi. But when she suddenly quits the family business to open a modest coffee shop, her shocked siblings are forced to investigate. They rise up from Hell to discover that their kid sister has committed the ultimate fiendish taboo: she has fallen in love with a mortal man. Havoc reigns as angels, demons, and baristas juggle love, loyalty, holy pink pastries, and caffeine. Her siblings are ultimately swayed by the alien happiness their sister has found, and fight Hell itself to support her decision to remain at Noah’s side.
CAST: 6F, 3 M, EXTRAS
Both the mortal world and the underworld are diverse in ages and ethnicities.
THE SEX DEMONS NICOLD The oldest sister. A succubus. SHADEN The middle brother. An incubus. LORELIAR The baby sister, also a succubus. Owner of the café.
THE HUMANS KITTY A barista and baker at the café. Very pink, a huge flirt. KAT A barista and a prickly, not-great artist. WENDY A barista, learning to manage her anger issues. WANDA A barista and a New Age believer. NOAH A human customer who runs an orphanage/orchard.
MAXWELL The only male barista. An undercover angel posing as a graduate student.
SEXTRAS Other assorted mortals, who frequent the café as needed.
TIME & PLACE The Keep Going Café. Houston, now.
DEVELOPMENT HISTORY Cherry Muffins: A Demon Play was commissioned and produced by Cone Man Running Productions at the Obsidian Arts Space in Houston in March of 2016. https://www.houstoniamag.com/articles/2016/3/11/cherry-muffins-a-demon-play
“If you are going through Hell, Keep Going.” –Winston Churchill 1
ACT ONE – SCENE ONE
Morning. The Keep Going Café, about to open. Tables and mismatched chairs/loveseats are set up in cozy fashion. A large board lists the items, prices, specials.
Loreliar is alone in her element. She is one of those females who gets called a slip-of-a-thing, and despises it. She checks the cups, the sweeteners, the tables, occasionally touching a counter with pride.
A hint of tropical music rises in the air. It’s sweet. Loreliar sways to it, executing a spin and a sigh, lifting her arms a bit, before she realizes it’s playing. She halts.
LORELIAR Hey. Stop that. It’s six a.m. Not the time. Nuh! Nuh uh! No.
The music throbs, as if pouting.
LORELIAR Let’s do this.
She turns on a music player. Acoustic coffee shop music plays, significantly tamer. The magic music disappears.
Loreliar launches into a dervish of efficiency and good cheer. There is no request she hasn’t heard, no complication that can possibly vex her. She’s a barista god. As she speaks to the unseen customers, she bends, stretches, delivers, takes money, makes change, swipes cards, tears receipts. This is a dance, and she knows every step.
LORELIAR Good morning! What size? For here or to go? $3.75. Banana nut? We have soy, oat, almond, coconut – soy. Hot or cold? What size? Sign here. Would you like a tray? Whip cream? Extra hot. Roger that. Thanks. Have a good morning. Hello, welcome to Keep Going. No, I haven’t, but my co-worker loves that one. I’ve got 2%, 1%, fat free – okay, whole. What size? For here or to go? Can do. Eight, nine, and ten. Here you go. Thanks. And good morning. Yes sir. Caramel? Got it. Sugar’s over there. There’s the pink, the yellow, the blue, the brown, the – okay, pink. Two? No problem. Sign here please. That’s espresso. That’s coffee. ...So you want a redeye? Brave soul. Oh. A decaf redeye. Sure. Why not. Yes? You asked for dry. Dry means foam. You’d rather have a latte? Coming right up. Cherry or maple? Here or to go? Thank you. Good morning, welcome in, we’re open til ten, glad you like us. Iced? What size? For here or to go? Excellent. Oh, I think this is ______, but it’s just on the radio. Satellite, you know. Cappuccino. Cappuccino? CAPPUCCINO! Okay, here you go, thanks for coming in. 2
Kitty sashays in, tying her apron, taking the counter beside her boss. Kitty is a human cupcake: puffy, pink, frosted, and rising out of her wrappings.
LORELIAR Morning, Kitty!
KITTY Hi, boss! They’re six deep today!
LORELIAR Ready for it?
KITTY Yup. All the pastries are in the back. I thought we’d test drive that raspberry oat bar, and I doubled down on the pomegranate pancakes. Butter and sugar will save the world.
A beat. They man the battle stations.
KITTY Morning! For here or to go? What size?
LORELIAR Hello again. Welcome back. The usual?
KITTY Hot? Coming right up. (A wink.) I’ve got chai.
LORELIAR Almond, soy, coconut, 2%, 1%, fat free, okay, can do.
KITTY Yes, sir. Sign here please. Next?
LORELIAR Caramel macchiato? The real kind or the Starbucks kind?
KITTY I’m fine, how are yooou? Oh? Well that’s always nice to hear.
LORELIAR Kitty. Kitty. 3
KITTY Sorry. Here you go, sir. Strong and... black. I’m Kitty, I’m here all week. NEXT!
LORELIAR ...Sorry, you ready? All right. Cream cheese, jelly, peanut butter, butter butter, margarine–
KITTY Vanilla latte, extra shot. Sure thing, sweetheart.
LORELIAR No, I don’t have Brie, but I do have organic plum jam from a farm run by orphans, so let’s look on the bright side, okay? Bye bye.
KITTY & LORELIAR And keep going to Keep Going!
Finally, it’s ended.
KITTY Ugh. I don’t know how you keep up with them. I mean, all of them. They’re so needy.
LORELIAR I like taking their money.
KITTY I like spending it.
LORELIAR You’re very... pink. Today.
KITTY I have a date.
LORELIAR Again?
KITTY He’s new. My mama knows his mama.
LORELIAR Full steam ahead then.
KITTY (Adjusting her weapons.) He’s a dead man. 4
The door opens. Kat enters in a storm of eyeliner and attitude, clutching a canvas.
LORELIAR Morning, Kat.
KAT I finished 17.
KITTY Kat! You closed! Have you slept?
KAT I never sleep when I’m in the territorial grip of the Muses. I’m too alive. ...Also, Kitty, can you make me a quad soy almond latte?
KITTY Poof! You’re a quad soy almond latte.
Kat glares at her. Kitty mixes one up.
LORELIAR Let me see.
KAT Be honest, Lorelei.
Kat reveals a dramatic charcoal sketch. It’s black and white, bleak, with a large 17 on it.
LORELIAR It’s... very... prime. We can hang it next to 16.
KITTY I’m all for living your dreams, Kat, but I don’t get it. What’s with the numbers?
KAT Because art craves logic, order, hierarchy, even as it devolves in the face of entropy. We are born to die. The only solace is to count the time as it passes. “Ceci n’est pas un pipe.”
KITTY You should try to get some sleep before two. I can’t tell if it’s insomnia or make-up anymore.
KAT We can’t all keep Baker Barbie hours. 5
LORELIAR I’ll get Wanda to help me with the ladder.
KAT Thank you.
KITTY Quad soy happy sauce! Cheer up, buttercup!
KAT Kitty?
KITTY Yes, Kat?
KAT You are so… pink.
KITTY I have a date.
KAT With Ken? In Malibu?
KITTY Wanna see a picture? (She pulls her (pink) phone out of her cleavage.)
KAT (Beat.) He’s very symmetrical.
KITTY I know, right?
LORELIAR I’m going to place the orders. Kitty, you good?
KITTY Mmhmm! Work your magic, Lorelei! Here, Kat, you can take one of my new raspberry oat bars.
KAT Get a grip. I will not eat any more of your pink food. I’ve got to go draw coiffed, tanned, and overly waxed “nudes,” even though humans are incapable of revealing their truly naked selves. 6
KITTY Ooh, fun! See you at two!
Kat sails out. Kitty turns to cleaning. Loreliar, amused, brings a stack of paperwork to a table.
Noah enters, with a book under his arm. Loreliar’s entire body tenses up. She refuses to look at him, even as he orders a plain cup of coffee from Kitty, crosses over, and takes a seat near her. Loreliar has written nothing, barely remembered to breathe. Finally, when he is settled, she looks at him. Her eyes drink him in.
Oh, how she loves this man.
He turns a page. She responds as if he’s touched her, gripping the table. There is a crash off stage.
KITTY Oops! I think a shelf broke in the back!
She exits to check on it. Loreliar moves closer to Noah.
NOAH (Glancing up politely:) Hey.
LORELIAR Hey.
He smiles at her and returns to his journal, putting a pen to the page. Loreliar stands looking at him. A throb rises again from her magic, tropical music. It’s cheerful, flirty, and loud enough to make Noah look up.
She hastily strangles it off. He returns to his work. Cautiously, she watches. He takes a sip. She closes her eyes against the sight of it.
Then, a decision reached, she crosses towards him, pulls back his hair, and sits in his lap to plant a kiss on him that makes the lights bleed red. The music breaks free, in her sultry island style, hot and wet for a few seconds.
She rises. Lights resume; the music stops. He stares at her back. 7
NOAH You. WOW. Wow. Why– Can– Will... you...
As he stutters, she moves out of his line of vision. He forgets the whole encounter.
Noah takes a sip of coffee. Kitty comes back out, wielding a pink hammer.
KITTY Fixed it!
Loreliar gathers herself behind him, then picks up her paperwork and retreats offstage. 8
ACT ONE – SCENE TWO
Early that evening. Wendy and Wanda are working their shift. Wendy is in a rough jacket, with wild hair, scuffed boots, and a prickly attitude.
Wanda emanates the self-righteous serenity of someone who stretched for two hours today and is on a diet of bean sprouts and fair trade goat milk.
Wanda minutely rearranges the chairs. Wendy eavesdrops on Loreliar’s phone call.
LORELIAR (Into the phone.) We’ve had no problems with Wendy. Drawers are balanced, tips accounted for. Aggression?
She and Wendy study each other. Loreliar smiles.
LORELIAR No, sir. Not that I’ve noticed. And there have been no further, um, altercations. She’s welcome to keep working here as long as she likes. Thank you. Goodbye. (She hangs up.) Rock and roll. You’re clear.
WANDA Rock and pa-role.
WENDY Stuff it, Wanda.
WANDA I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Wendy. (To Loreliar.) Mercury’s in retrograde, Lorelei, so don’t expect easy communication. In fact, arguments are pretty much bound to happen.
WENDY If you’re done playing with the chairs–
WANDA I’m not playing–
WENDY OCD, or feng shui, or whatever– 9
WANDA I’m aligning the chairs. Like chakras.
WENDY Oh, chakras?
WANDA Yes.
WENDY Really.
WANDA People appreciate a healthy environment.
WENDY Do they.
A customer enters, dressed much like Noah. Loreliar tenses up for a beat, then recovers.
LORELIAR Wendy. Wanda. One of you sell this nice man some coffee.
Wendy does so, as Wanda writes a smarmy guru quote on the board, perhaps, “There is no other teacher but your own soul.” -Swami Vivekananda.
CUSTOMER Yeah, hi, can I have a half caff, half almond, half soy, half half percent upside down caramel machee-yato? And can you do a medium in a small cup?
WENDY ...Sure.
She clangs the espresso machine into action. Just then, the earth rumbles a bit. Only Loreliar notices. There’s thunder. A wind might blow through the café.
LORELIAR Oh no.
Hoof beats, jet planes, bus brakes, drum rolls, a woman moans. Something is coming up through the earth, and it’s both big... and bad. 10
LORELIAR Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no.
The lights go out. Burlesque style fanfare. It arrives.
LORELIAR Oh, fuck me!
The lights rise, lazily. Shaden and Nicold stand, holding hands and suitcases, inside the café. These are two very pretty, very dangerous creatures.
NICOLD Ta daaaaaa!
SHADEN Hi, sis.
NICOLD “What a dump.”
Shaden drops his suitcase and picks Loreliar up.
SHADEN Little Loreliar! Are you anorexic? You’re tiny. Tell me you’re eating.
LORELIAR I’m eating!
NICOLD Oh yeah? Who was lunch?
LORELIAR I had a salad.
Nicold and Shaden exchange dark looks.
LORELIAR What? Salad, cup of soup, iced tea.
NICOLD (To Shaden.) When you’re right, you’re right.
SHADEN Poor thing’s gone mad. 11
LORELIAR You could have just called.
SHADEN Where’s the fun in that?
LORELIAR Shaden. Nicold. What are you doing here?!
NICOLD That’s rhetorical, right?
SHADEN Sis, they’re worried about you.
LORELIAR They?
Maxwell enters. None of his clothes quite fit him. Even his hair is a bit askew. He’s hauling a satchel of leaking papers. Nicold and Shaden fall silent, watching him fumble.
WANDA Maxwell! You’re not scheduled tonight.
MAXWELL No, I’m just... (He stutters, trying not to peek at Nicold.) Studying. Got a big, big, uh, big test.
Wanda spritzes him with a pocket atomizer.
WANDA It’s a lavender blend. Stress reliever. It’ll help.
MAXWELL (Coughing; he swallowed some.) Uh. Thanks.
He unpacks his books, sneaking wary peeks at the siblings. He is the only one who sees them.
NICOLD Friend of yours? 12
LORELIAR One of my baristas. Maxwell.
SHADEN And he works in coffee? (A thoughtful grin.) How cute.
NICOLD So this is your place.
LORELIAR (Firmly.) Yes.
SHADEN It’s very numerical.
LORELIAR That’s Kat, my artist, she–
NICOLD We’ve been sent by the Grand Legion of Hell Spawn to investigate what the Heaven you’re up to.
SHADEN (Beat.) And Mom. Mom sent us, too.
LORELIAR Oh.
SHADEN Loreliar–
LORELIAR It’s Lorelei. I go by Lorelei, up here.
NICOLD Gross. How human. Shall I be Nikki? And Shaden Dan? Or Dennis?
SHADEN Black heart. Do you remember, right after you were spawned, when they took us to see Lucifer speak to the Fallen?
Loreliar nods tightly. 13
SHADEN We all got matching whips and flayed each other in the crowd? You were so excited over the parade of Brides that you ran away to try and see them up close. Who came and found you? Who jumped in with the lawyers to get you back?
She looks at both her siblings.
LORELIAR You did.
SHADEN We did.
NICOLD Mmhmm.
SHADEN Because you’re our little sister fiend. And we’re co-damned forever. Okay?
LORELIAR ...You can stay with me upstairs. Let me just go pull out some fresh sheets; I’ll make up the guest beds.
NICOLD (With a saucy wink.) There’s a switch. Usually they change the sheets after we leave.
Nicold nudges both suitcases in front of her sister. Loreliar, taking the hint, hauls up both and exits. Shaden and Nicold continue their examination of the café.
NICOLD The Keep Going Café?
SHADEN (Thoughtful; trying out its sexiness.) “Keep going, oooh, keep going?” Maybe?
The customer stands to leave. Wendy yells:
WENDY Hey, asshole! I know you’re not just going to leave your trash right there.
The customer jumps, then guiltily picks up his debris and scrams. Wanda pulls out her lavender spray. 14
WENDY Try it. See what happens.
Wanda sprays herself instead.
WANDA Namaste, Wendy.
WENDY Nah-I’ma-stay right here. You keep walking, crazy.
Shaden catches Wanda’s eye. (This is the first time she is aware of him.) She giggles.
WANDA Hi.
SHADEN Hi.
WANDA I do yoga. I can... bend.
SHADEN Can you, now?
Wanda grabs her leg and does something with it.
NICOLD (To Wendy.) What about you, sweetheart? What can you do?
WENDY (She suddenly sees Nicold. Softening for the first time.) I... I dunno. Sometimes... assault.
NICOLD That’s promising.
They lean towards each other. Loreliar re-enters.
LORELIAR Stop that. I was gone two seconds.
Nicold and Shaden step out of view of the baristas. Wanda’s leg unceremoniously drops. Wendy retreats to work. 15
They forget all about the siblings.
SHADEN Sorry. We’ve been on the road.
LORELIAR How about a drink?
NICOLD I’m not imbibing your dirty brown bean water.
LORELIAR You might like it.
NICOLD It’s for mortals.
Loreliar pulls out a bag of blood, bites off the corner, and pours it into two mugs. Nicold’s eyebrows raise.
SHADEN See, Nicold? She hasn’t gone totally native.
He selects a packet of sweetener and adds it to his blood.
LORELIAR Shaden? What am I being charged with?
NICOLD Good behavior. A rumor reached the Legion that the cardinal rules went down. Which is outlandish slander, because there’s no blessed way a Drainer demon, a proud descendent of the first succubus, much less my kid sister, would ever fuck up like that.
SHADEN (A toast.) To evil.
Nicold and Shaden drink deep. Shaden examines the bag.
SHADEN Nice vintage. Who is this?
NICOLD Now tell me they’re wrong. 16
LORELIAR (Nipping the bag away from her brother.) I’m glad you like it.
SHADEN Smooth.
NICOLD Loreliar–
LORELIAR Lorelei.
NICOLD The rumors are wrong?
LORELIAR ...I’ve been really happy here.
NICOLD Son of a saint.
SHADEN That’s not quite a confession, Nicold.
NICOLD If you’re going to be a goody god-y–
LORELIAR I just said I’m happy here!
NICOLD If you’re going to, fuck, retire? That means those smug white wings are that much closer to winning! Mom is gonna fuckin’ flip.
LORELIAR Good always wins. Eventually.
NICOLD Shh! Not because of us! Not because of the Drainer family! We have a legacy to uphold.
LORELIAR FINE! THEN GO UPHOLD IT.
NICOLD What am I missing?! What am I... 17
She whirls in place, distraught. An idea: she sniffs deeply. Noah’s chair particularly catches her nose.
NICOLD Everything’s all... coffee...
Loreliar shoots a pleading look to Shaden.
SHADEN Now, now, girls. You solve this too quickly and our visa expires. What do you say we enjoy this… um... urban metropolis a bit, before unraveling the littlest Liar? Drink your blood, Nicold. You’re a bitch when you’re hungry.
NICOLD Fine. All right. For now. (She looks at Wendy.) I could eat. 18
ACT ONE – SCENE THREE
The following morning. Shaden sprawls in one of the chairs, reading the paper.
SHADEN Hmm... [Inserts name of large crowd event going on in the area. In Houston, “Rodeo...”]
Nicold enters behind him, wearing Wendy’s jacket.
SHADEN How’d you sleep?
Nicold chuckles. Shaden turns around, taking in the jacket.
SHADEN I see.
NICOLD How’d you fair with the bendy straw?
SHADEN She smelled like kombucha. But limber. Very limber girl.
Nicold picks up a marker/chalk, and adds a discreet tally mark to two opposite corners of the board: one for each of them.
SHADEN I’m game if you are, old girl.
Kitty enters, pink again. She doesn’t see them, just gets to work, singing a sexy pop song to herself.
Nicold and Shaden’s heads turn: there’s blood in the water.
NICOLD/SHADEN Dibs. Really? Dibs. Dibs. Jinx. You owe me a virgin!
NICOLD You can suck it, old girl.
Nicold laughs and kisses Shaden’s cheek. 19
SHADEN It’s a nice place.
NICOLD Oh, sure.
SHADEN It’s comfortable here. And sometimes we all need a break from Mom.
NICOLD Uh huh.
SHADEN Spit it out.
NICOLD She hasn’t been home in months. She’s surrounded with mortals, and they don’t seem to be pets. “I go by Lorelei up here.” Seriously? (Beat.) She reeks of human food. Salad. (Futzing with stuff around the café.) There’s sensible underwear in her hamper. I think she’s wearing some right now. Who bothers with panties? I mean, what’s next, crocheting, six cats, and quiet nights in?
Shaden sighs at the scope of evidence.
NICOLD She’s a demon! Why isn’t she out there raping the populace? Why is the radio set on namby pamby Muzak? Why is she selling stimulants instead of alcohol? Booze, I could understand! Shaden, our sister is either sick, cursed, or very, very guilty.
SHADEN What do we do?
NICOLD Get her talking. Lie like Heaven if Mom calls. We’ve got to remind her she can’t not trust us.
SHADEN Right.
Kitty makes a noise at the counter as she bustles. A moment in which, to the Drainer siblings, she becomes a lost baby fawn slathered in BBQ sauce.
They unconsciously purr/growl as one. 20
KITTY Oh! Hi there! I didn’t see you two come in. Would either of ya’ll like breakfast? We’ve got hot strawberry croissants. I just baked them myself.
They give Kitty the full force of their focus, rising as one.
She staggers a bit where she stands; it seems they would like breakfast.
21
ACT ONE – SCENE FOUR
Maxwell is running the café. Noah enters.
NOAH Hey, Maxwell. How’s school?
MAXWELL I’m learning a lot. And your business, Noah?
NOAH It’s getting better every day. Internet sales are up 15%. Thanks again for your help on the website.
MAXWELL My pleasure. Web marketing: the only time when traffic is a good thing. (He’s delighted with that one. A dad laugh.)
NOAH There really must be something in the coffee here. It doesn’t feel the same working from home anymore. I don’t get as much done. But a few sips at Keep Going and, whoosh. It all clicks on. Do you get that a lot?
MAXWELL Sometimes. The usual?
NOAH Yes, please.
He slides some cash on the counter. Loreliar emerges.
NOAH Hi.
LORELIAR Hnuhf.
NOAH We’ve met, right?
LORELIAR Hello. Yes. Maybe. Good morning. Welcome to Keep Go. Wing. Going.
MAXWELL (Interrupting their moment.) Your coffee. Hi, Boss. 22
NOAH Thanks, Maxwell. (To Loreliar. He gestures around: he’s seen her here.) Of course. This is your café?
LORELIAR Yes.
NOAH I love it here.
LORELIAR I’m so glad.
MAXWELL Did you need something?
LORELIAR Do we... have... cream?
MAXWELL Tons.
Noah smiles at her, taking his coffee to sit.
LORELIAR (Calling to Noah.) There’s free refills. As much as you want. Because you love it here. (Weakly.) I’m gonna go... order... cream.
MAXWELL We’ve got cream. We’re low on filters.
LORELIAR Right. Well, yes. Clearly.
She feels Maxwell’s gaze, and awkwardly retreats. Maxwell watches her go, then checks to make sure Noah is engrossed in his journal. Maxwell folds his hands in prayer. He clears his throat, looking up. He waits.
Chimes ring; a bright white spotlight envelops him. 23
MAXWELL Hello, Sir. It’s me again. She’s still very much in love. I believe this is the key to redeeming her. But she’s reluctant to touch him, and fearful he will blur. He keeps returning here. I know it’s by Your Grace, so thanks for that. But there’s a new complication. Two others have arrived to influence her. I’m a relatively new Agent, Sir, I’m no match for three grown Drainer demons. They’re... they’re very sexy, Sir. I don’t quite know what You expect me to do. (The light flickers, as if answering.) Well, of course, Sir, but it’s the how that has me– (The light snaps off.) Worried.
NOAH This coffee is heavenly.
MAXWELL Thanks, Noah. So glad to hear it. 24
ACT ONE – SCENE FIVE
Loreliar and Kitty clean tables, working around Shaden, who is eating orphan jam straight from the jar with a spoon.
KITTY It’s not like Wendy to no-call no-show. She’s been so careful about her shifts.
LORELIAR Oh, I’m sure something... came up.
KITTY She hasn’t thrown any dishes for a week. She loves working here. We all do.
LORELIAR I don’t mind pitching in. I just wished Wendy had asked, before the taking the day off. (To Shaden only.) I just wish Nicold has asked, before taking Wendy. (She does a double take at Kitty.) You look different.
Kitty, for the first time, is wearing red – not pink.
KITTY You know, I feel different? Like, really loose? Relaxed. (Her eyes glaze over as her voice drops as deep as it can go.) SATED. (She perks up.) Must be Wanda’s juice cleanse.
LORELIAR ...Must be. (Again to Shaden, shaking her head tightly.) “Sated?” Satan.
SHADEN (Throwing back his head, in ringing tones:) Satisfied!
LORELIAR Go ahead and clock out. We’re in the lull, and Kat’ll be here any minute. And you earned it; we sold out of your pastries again. Butter and sugar–
KITTY Will save the world. Thanks, Boss! 25
She twirls out, beaming. Shaden adds tallies to his count.
LORELIAR Nicold has to cough Wendy up eventually.
SHADEN She will.
LORELIAR There’s a whole city out there, with plenty of take-out. You could leave my employees alone.
SHADEN Wendy, Wanda, Kitty, and Kat, correct?
LORELIAR Yes. And Maxwell.
SHADEN That’s right. I keep forgetting about him. Ha. Maxwell.
LORELIAR Where were you this morning?
SHADEN Um: Girl’s dorm, science museum, hotel, Target, motel, animal shelter–
LORELIAR Of course.
SHADEN Open house, bake sale, drive thru, car wash, Ikea, [name of large road in the area] the back of a Honda Civic, and Sears. Oh, and somewhere in there was a croissant.
LORELIAR Shaden.
SHADEN (Mimicking Kitty’s body.) A delightful croissant. But I’m not sure it counts since I split her with Nicold. (Beat. He tallies it for both himself and Nicold, before eating more jam.) What the Heaven is in this jam? I can’t stop eating it.
LORELIAR Plums. 26
SHADEN Don’t be so topsider. There’s more. It’s... subtle. (He smells it.) Youth. Industriousness. Is that hope?
LORELIAR Orphans make it.
SHADEN And you... support them? And buy it. To help the children. With no parents.
LORELIAR Yes.
A beat. Shaden puts down the jar and wipes his tongue with a napkin.
SHADEN BLEAGH. That’s not very demonic of you.
LORELIAR I haven’t been feeling very demonic lately. In fact, I just paid my quarterly taxes.
SHADEN You what?
LORELIAR On time. In full!
SHADEN ...Was it a curse, Lolo? Or did an Angel corner you? You don’t have to talk, just nod your head.
LORELIAR Maybe I wanted to change.
SHADEN So get a hair cut! Or swap genders! You don’t help orphans.
Kat enters with spidery rains of mascara on her cheeks. She clutches a canvas painted with a simple “18.”
KAT Bourgeois bastards! They think my series is predictable. “No one needed to see the 18 to know it was coming, Kat.” If only they could envision the one and the eight as I do! UGH! There are acres of depth in these digits. Mankind needs its calculations for its own salvation. Am I wrong? 27
LORELIAR No, sweetie.
KAT ...Did Wendy show?
LORELIAR Not yet.
KAT Want me to check the jails?
LORELIAR She knows to call me if she’s booked.
KAT Thanks for listening, Boss.
Kat works, forgetting Shaden and Loreliar are there.
SHADEN The thing is, Sis, Nicold and I will keep guessing. Secrets are an intimacy. They leave traces, and shadows, and–
He pauses by Noah’s usual chair, taking an interested sniff. Loreliar looks away.
SHADEN Scents. Others can pose hypotheses about whether or not and to what extent the players were together, but the signs are always there. Something went down. You’re like one big, fat, walking hickey. Spill already.
LORELIAR Can I talk to just you? Not the whole Grand Legion of Hell Spawn?
SHADEN What, off the record?
She nods. He checks the floor, then inclines his head.
LORELIAR I don’t think... the family business is for me.
SHADEN Since when? 28
LORELIAR Since... lately.
SHADEN Because?
LORELIAR When you see that much of someone, when you take them inside of you, more spread open and naked than just no clothes, they’re so desperate and raw, crazy and vulnerable. In the throes, I can’t help but love them. I’ve loved every one of them. (Cutting him off.) I suck as a fuck. A fuck is beyond me.
SHADEN Loreliar–
LORELIAR The sex is too good for that. It breaks my heart to leave them. To know they’ll forget, or blur. Or claim it was a dream. What we do has the potential, the potential, to bring comfort.
SHADEN Our own. Sex is to feed. You think sharks wax poetic about their sushi?
LORELIAR Haven’t there been times you wanted to stay, and you couldn’t? Times the tryst asked you to, and they were more coherent than the others, in some way special, in some feature, some word, some kindness, some tenderness they showed you? However hard you rode them, maybe they touched your hair, or lingered on your knee, kissed your thigh, just really got to you, beyond the blur, they checked back in, and all of a sudden it was more than you could bear? (Shaden doesn’t answer.) It’s a waste, to treat it so lightly.
SHADEN Technically, it’s a sin.
LORELIAR You asked. I don’t want to be a succubus anymore.
SHADEN You’re killing my jam buzz, kid. You propose to, what, sell coffee instead?
LORELIAR Sure. For now. Why not? I’m good at it. It smells nice. I like my human friends. (Beat.) Friends, by the way. Not prey. You should try out friends. 29
SHADEN I have two, thank you.
LORELIAR (Beat.) Sorry. You do.
SHADEN Three, if we count the Antichrist. Four if we count Mom.
Loreliar puts away the jam.
LORELIAR It’s that tender face, that look that humans are capable of giving each other, when they finally find somebody more worthy than themselves... It’s transcendent. It’s that. I want that.
SHADEN “Tender face?” May I see an example?
She glares at him.
SHADEN Buh. You want that? (At her continued glare.) We’re still off the record.
A beat. She manages a tender face. It intensifies as she thinks about Noah. Shaden looks away first.
SHADEN What’s her name?
LORELIAR Whose?
SHADEN ...His name? Their name? The real reason you’re all tenderized.
LORELIAR Oh. ...Noah.
SHADEN Old Testament?
LORELIAR Oh, Hellfire, Shaden, I didn’t name him! 30
SHADEN And which rule?
LORELIAR (She makes a tiny noise of distress.)
SHADEN It’s okay if you killed him. Sometimes the really strong sex fries their little systems. We’re potent. I’ll help you clean it up.
LORELIAR I love him. I killed him, briefly. And then I said, “Oh God, please, don’t let him die.”
SHADEN You... you what?
LORELIAR I prayed. Over his body. It worked; he’s alive!
SHADEN And you still... luh- luh- ugh. (He takes a deep breath.) Love him?
LORELIAR He blurred. When he came back. He didn’t remember me. Shaden, I’d give it all up. Today. The immortality, my wings, my whip, my access to Hell. I still love him.
SHADEN (Laying a hand over her lips.) Sis. You’ve got to give me a chance to process this. Mom is going to dismember us. You broke all three! Of the big ones! (Counting them off.) Don’t fall in love! Try not to kill! And never, ever, fucking pray!
LORELIAR (Muffled.) [I know.]
SHADEN You’re such a degenerate!
LORELIAR (Still muffled.) [I know.] 31
SHADEN At least tell me he’s gorgeous.
She hugs him.
SHADEN Good to know. Ease up, little one; I’m gonna barf jam.
He disengages, patting her cheek. Then he crosses over to Kat.
SHADEN So. Need a model?
LORELIAR Shaden! She’s got to work!
KAT I like paint. Paint’s pretty.
SHADEN I think so, too.
LORELIAR Come on! School’s about to let out! I need her.
KAT Do you do nude?
SHADEN Boy, do I. I’ve been told I’m very Vitruvian.
He hoists Kat over his shoulder, tossing Loreliar her hat.
SHADEN Your secret’s safe with me. I was raised to be underground. (He bites Kat’s bottom fondly. She squeals.) Meanwhile, I suggest you focus on what in the name of our Evil Auntie Agrat bat Mahlat you’re gonna tell Nicold. 32
ACT ONE – SCENE SIX
It is very late at night. Nicold has snuck downstairs in a sexy negligee. She gets behind the counter, carefully listening to make sure no one is about. She opens a bag of beans and takes a deep whiff.
NICOLD Oh, Hell. That’s fantastic.
MAXWELL (Appearing.) We’re closed.
NICOLD Judas Iscariot!
She lowers her hands, which have raised like talons.
NICOLD Whew. You almost got a lot more than you bargained for, buddy.
MAXWELL It’s Maxwell.
NICOLD Yeah. I forgot about you.
They shake hands, awkwardly.
MAXWELL Nicold, right?
NICOLD (Appraising him.) Yeah.
MAXWELL I was about to lock up, but um... I could make you a coffee.
NICOLD I don’t drink that crap.
MAXWELL Oh? 33
NICOLD (Hastily putting down the bag she’s clutching.) It’s just the smell. It’s driving me nuts.
MAXWELL Here.
He steps behind the counter.
MAXWELL How do you take it?
NICOLD However I can get it.
MAXWELL (Blink, blink.) Do you prefer sweet or strong?
NICOLD Both.
She moves into his space, puckering up for a kiss.
MAXWELL Okay. I’ve got some Hawaiian already ground you might like. It’s your sister’s favorite.
He sets some to brew. Her eyes open, decidedly confused.
She flips her hair some more, tilts her head back again.
NICOLD Aloha.
MAXWELL Ha. Right. So how long are you in town?
NICOLD Not sure. Are you studying to be a priest, Maxi?
MAXWELL Double major. Theology and statistics.
NICOLD “The best part of waking up…” 34
MAXWELL (Sighing.) That’s Folger’s.
NICOLD Then what’s Max–?
MAXWELL “Good to the last drop.”
Nicold laughs in throaty delight. She angles up to him again.
NICOLD Seriously? That’s quite the tagline. (A glance at his pants.) And are you?
MAXWELL Lorelei’s such a great boss.
NICOLD Lorelei.
MAXWELL She takes good care of her people. Smell that? The floral notes?
Nicold is perplexed. She perches on the counter, flashing some serious leg. A beat.
NICOLD I can smell everything. The pencils in your bag, the stale, dying mint of the gum someone stuck under that table, where a kid spilled apple juice, where you used bleach and Comet on the sink, there’s incense, you’ve been to church, which normally, totally turns me off, but there’s also detergent and basil, and something celestial, something I just can’t place, like really, really, fresh fucking air. Those beans? Yeah. There’s volcano ash and the salt of the Pacific, plumerias, planes, plastic, it flew miles to get here. (She sucks in a breath.) Why aren’t you kissing me? Don’t you want to?
MAXWELL Would you like a cookie with this? Kitty makes a terrific macadamia chunk.
He slaps a (pink) cookie on a plate.
NICOLD Are you impaired in some way? I don’t want a fucking cookie– 35
He has poured her a cup.
MAXWELL It’ll be really hot. So be careful. And good night.
NICOLD You know what would be really hot? If you–
MAXWELL Lock up, would you?
NICOLD I’d be happy to lock you up, or– Hey, wait! What’s the matter with you?
He has picked up his backpack and left.
She frowns at the coffee, then takes a pouty sip.
It’s divine. 36
ACT ONE – SCENE SEVEN
The board reads OPEN MIC NIGHT.
Loreliar, and Wendy are turning on strands of lights, while Kitty signs up customers to perform on a clipboard.Wanda, to the amazement of some and headache of others, emerges on stage to perform an Irish jig. [Or any bizarre talent.] Applause when she finishes.
Nicold hunches over a mug beside her brother.
SHADEN Are you okay? You’re really twitchy.
NICOLD I’m fine.
SHADEN Is that blood?
NICOLD Of course it’s blood. Silly. Silly demon. What else would it be? Ha. Shiiiit.
SHADEN It smells… like dark roast espresso.
NICOLD Mind your own tail, brother, huh? Okay?! I’m just... fuck, it’s so delicious.
She chugs the rest.
SHADEN It’s a nice crowd tonight. Good... anticipation.
NICOLD Sure. There’s that guy. Maxwell. Does he smell, like, extra breezy to you? Somehow?
SHADEN I hadn’t noticed.
WENDY I call bouncer!
WANDA Course you do. You’re such a Scorpio. 37
Kat enters with a new canvas.
KAT Sorry I’m late, Boss.
WANDA You missed my [dance!]
KAT (Sarcastic.) Oh no.
WANDA Don’t tell me. (She holds her third eye chakra.) It’s 18 and a Half.
Kat turns over the art. Wendy, Wanda, Kitty, and Loreliar’s jaws drop. It’s a nude of Shaden, coyly eating jam.
KITTY That’s... that’s not a... num-num-number.
LORELIAR We’re not putting that up in here. Shaden, you might want buy this.
SHADEN That would be a bit vain.
NICOLD Where would he hang it?
SHADEN I’m already hung.
He and Nicold cackle and high five.
KAT I was just... inspired.
LORELIAR Kat, put that far. Put it in the back. He’s my brother.
KAT Who’s your brother? 38
LORELIAR ...Never mind. Kitty, how’s the sign-up looking?
KITTY Almost full.
LORELIAR Let’s go ahead and start.
KITTY Hi, everyone. Thanks for coming out to Keep Going Café’s Open Mic Night. We are fundraising for the... what was it?
WANDA The F.F.T.R.Y.M. ...Farmer’s Fair Trade Reiki Yoga Market?
KITTY Yeah. That. So drink up, folks.
She nods to Noah, who takes the stool, tuning his guitar. Loreliar watches, frozen.
NOAH Uh, hey, everyone. My name’s Noah. Thanks for having me.
SHADEN That’s Noah?
LORELIAR Wait. Just wait.
NOAH Special thanks to Lorelei for opening this cool café, and hosting the mic. The market’s a really good cause, we appreciate your support. Here’s a song I wrote about a crazy dream I had a few weeks ago. Couldn’t get over it. Hope you like it. It’s called Liquefy. (Sings.)
Tell me to go, and I'll go. Tell me to go, and I'll go. Or let me know, that I might hold on to you. Finger nets tangle in a sea of uncomposed sighs. Bitten lips, and half-lidded looks, as we liquefy. I never knew I needed you To come along and crack me wide. But now I pour, and now we pour, 39
Mouth to mouth and so alive. Tell me to go and I’ll go I will make my way back home. Bottle smashed, future unknown, Blood still boiling, beside my bones. Hair a mess, skin salted, torn. We will cease to pour If you say no more.
In the final stanza of the song, he locks eyes with Loreliar, then shakes his head and looks away as the song finishes.
NOAH Or else I'll stay, oh, let me stay, Oh, please, let me stay. And liquefy. Thank you.
The crowd erupts in cheers and whistles. Loreliar tries to breathe again.
NICOLD Damn. Not bad for a mortal.
LORELIAR (In private anguish.) Oh, Noah.
NICOLD Hey, bendy straw! Yeah, I’m looking at you, Fruit Loops. Shake a tail feather! (She waggles her empty cup at Wanda.) He was hot. Possible dibs. Hey, Shaden, do you still owe me a virgin?
SHADEN That was a tie, Niknik.
Loreliar swoons with emotion. Nicold catches her.
NICOLD Idiot. When’s the last time you ate?
LORELIAR I’m not... I’m done with that. Don’t let him go.
NICOLD Who? 40
SHADEN Nicold.
NICOLD What?
SHADEN She’s in love.
Nicold ceases propping up her sister, who sharply drops.
NICOLD Well, knock it off. Now I get why you’re such a wreck. (She pats Loreliar’s cheek roughly.) You think you’re the only little sex demon who ever got tempted by love? What we have is power. Messy, abrupt, inconvenient sometimes, yes, I grant you, but you can’t turn off your veins. You’re a DRAINER. Drain one!
She grabs a man from the crowd. He stands, hypnotized, docile.
NICOLD It won’t hurt him. It doesn’t have to. If he even remembers, it will be a pleasant dream. Enough starving: it’s time to feed. Hello in there!! You’re not in love. You’re imbalanced.
LORELIAR I don’t know why I can see beyond it. But I can. It doesn’t interest me anymore. That? That vacant expression? It’s dull. I. Don’t. Want. Him.
NICOLD That’s nuts. He’s full of sex.
She shoves him back in his seat and grabs a girl.
NICOLD Here. Her.
LORELIAR I don’t want any of them.
NICOLD That’s preposterous.
They frown at each other, each sister wanting to understand, or at least be understood. 41
NICOLD Shaden? Back me up. She’s got to want somebody.
SHADEN It’s never a good idea to fuck the dead.
LORELIAR He’s not dead anymore! / And it’s not fucking. I love–
NICOLD / Wait, what? Who died? Fuck who?
SHADEN Fish gotta swim, succubi’s gotta drain.
LORELIAR No, I don’t. Noah, wait up!
Noah, all packed up, pauses and comes closer.
KITTY Nicold? You’re up.
MAXWELL You’re performing?
NICOLD (Pushing the woman away, into Maxwell.) Of course. I crave the attention.
Nicold throws her arms up. Flamenco music starts.
LORELIAR Not the flamenco! Nicold! NICOLD. Don’t you dare!
NOAH/CROWD Wow!
NICOLD Go to Heaven. The flamenco! (She claps imperiously.)
LORELIAR Shit. 42
You can’t stop a hurricane. The music pours out, relieved to be asked. Nicold produces a red flower. She dances to the flamenco. It crescendoes, bewitching humans and non-humans alike. Everybody’s kissing, dancing, circling, tumbling.
Flowers appear, between teeth, behind ears, across tables. An orgy breaks out. Noah’s in it. With a shrug, so is Shaden.
Maxwell shakes off a few people who beeline his way.
LORELIAR Nicold! Damn it, stop it!
NICOLD No! Join us, sister. It’s time to feast.
The lights are wild. Nicold’s laughter rings out hot and proud. Alone, sober and despairing, Loreliar backs out of the room.
INTERMISSION
43
ACT TWO – SCENE ONE
The aftermath. Underwear, shoes, cups, napkins, overturned chairs. Shaden and Nicold sit on the floor with their backs against the counter. They chuckle, surveying the mess in pride. Shaden erases his tally number. He looks to Nicold, realizing he has completely lost count. She shrugs and writes an infinity loop instead.
Loreliar enters. She says nothing.
NICOLD (At her sister’s iciness.) Beelze-BUB. I’ll clean it up.
Loreliar snorts.
NICOLD I will!
NICOLD You should have fed; you’d be in a better mood.
LORELIAR This is my home. This is the life I chose, for me. I didn’t choose it for you to come ruin. With your games, and your judgement, and your bullshit concern. If you’d listened! If you’d taken one look, you’d see I was happy here! Without this! Without you.
SHADEN Whoa, Lolo. Those are two different things.
LORELIAR Oh? Is there a time when you’re not a pair of sluts?
Shaden scoffs a noise of hurt.
NICOLD Listen to the morality! And yeah, there was a time, long ago, apparently, when we were a trio of sluts. Really, really, good ones. Who in their right mind wants less orgasms?
LORELIAR Me.
NICOLD
Exactly. 44
LORELIAR Forget it. Clean up your blessed mess. Then go home.
She exits. After her:
NICOLD I will if you tell me WHO FUCKING DIED!
Shaden puts a hand on his sister’s shoulder, then follows out after Loreliar.
NICOLD Great. I’m the odd slut out.
She surveys the wreckage. A bra catches her eye. She holds it up to her chest, trying for fit. Maxwell enters.
MAXWELL Oh. Hello.
NICOLD Hello, coffee-boy. Too small.
She slingshots it at him. Maxwell, blushes and ducks.
NICOLD Are you blushing?
MAXWELL No.
NICOLD You’re in college.
MAXWELL So?
NICOLD I can’t figure you out.
Maxwell hides Noah’s journal behind the bar, then sends a text as they speak.
MAXWELL “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established. Through knowledge its 45 rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.”
NICOLD Ew. Don’t get Biblical. It’s a total turn off.
MAXWELL I believe you gave your sister your word that you would clean this up.
NICOLD Maxwell House! You eavesdropped.
MAXWELL Technically... yes.
NICOLD Good. I prefer sneakiness to Proverbs.
They clean in companionable silence for awhile, perhaps taking turns checking out each other’s butts.
NICOLD Could you make more/coffee?
MAXWELL /Do you want to go out tonight?
NICOLD …Whoa. Maybe. Hold on.
She exits. Waits. Comes back, checking to see if he has forgotten her.
MAXWELL Is that a yes?
NICOLD Is what a yes?
MAXWELL Going out?
She crosses to stand behind him. He tries to turn around, but she clamps him in place by the shoulders, unhands him, and waits. 46
MAXWELL (Still facing forward.) Will you, Nicold, accompany me, Max, out, tonight.
NICOLD Oh boy. You don’t blur. Who are you?
MAXWELL Maxwell.
NICOLD You’re lying.
MAXWELL Technically, I’m n–
NICOLD No, no. It’s okay. I like liars too. So... Yeah. Yes. I will.
A fantastically awkward moment. Each is stoked.
MAXWELL NICOLD The Museum? Drinks. Seven? Ten.
MAXWELL Then it’s settled. Dinner at eight.
NICOLD (Amused by his bravado.) Dinner at eight. 47
ACT TWO – SCENE TWO
Shaden comes in from upstairs to find all four girls moody and waiting. Kitty is texting on her pink phone. Kat is drawing on the board. Wanda sits cross legged in an attempt to meditate. Wendy cleans her nails with a pocket knife. As soon as he draws their attention, they perk right up.
SHADEN Morning, ladies. What honeyed purpose drew you four hither?
WANDA It’s our monthly staff meeting. Maxwell’s got church, but Loreliar’s supposed to be here. She’s not answering her phone.
WENDY You’re her brother, right?
SHADEN That’s right.
KITTY ...Have we met?
He smirks.
SHADEN When the marks of passion fade, the last bruises, scratches, nips, and bites, when the muscles uncoil and the ligaments calm down. You wonder. Did it ever really happen?
The girls all sigh a bit. He checks his watch.
SHADEN Plenty of time. Stand up. Form a line.
They do so, a bit dreamily. Shaden crosses to the door and locks it.
SHADEN
And a five, six, seven, eight.
Time for some big band fun. Swing music, Shaden’s flavor. All the girls join in, dancing around and with him. It’s physical, fun, all over the place. Kisses are stolen, skirts flare, legs kick; this is joy. 48
At the end, Shaden dips down behind the bar and comes up with a trombone [or similar], playing a solo that leads the girls to march out in a line. If the actor does not play an instrument, save a big finale dance move for this ushering.
Screw the meeting... and everyone else. 49
ACT TWO – SCENE THREE
Late. The café is closed. Loreliar is sweeping, spot cleaning what Nicold missed.
A knock at the door. It’s Noah. Loreliar drops the broom in surprise. Steeling herself, she unlocks it to let him inside.
NOAH Sorry, I know you’re closed. This was the only time I could get away–
LORELIAR No, it’s fine. What’s, ha, you’re here. Can I... help?
NOAH Maxwell texted me. I left my journal last night, and he found it.
LORELIAR Your journal.
NOAH Yeah, it’s where I write all my songs. I just can’t bring myself to use a computer, not for that. He said he’d put it behind the counter?
LORELIAR Oh. Of course. That was sweet of him. What color is it?
NOAH Black. White pages. (Kicking himself, following her.) Writing inside.
She crosses behind the counter to look for it.
LORELIAR I enjoyed your song.
NOAH I enjoyed your whole benefit. The F.F.T.R.Y.M., that really helps us out. At my work.
LORELIAR Oh?
NOAH Yeah, I mean, my job, my real job, when I’m not drinking coffee here. I run an orchard, out past 50 the– (He gestures, “far”) We make jams and jellies and all. Sell them locally, so, it’s nice to raise awareness about the market, and drum up some business.
LORELIAR We thought so, too.
NOAH You know, it’s weird, I can’t recall leaving here last night. We didn’t start to like drink-drink, did we?
She hands him the journal.
NOAH Thanks.
When he takes it from her, their fingers touch.
NOAH You. I keep seeing you.
LORELIAR Of course you do. Here.
Loreliar drops her hand.
Noah starts to blur.
NOAH I’ll get out of your hair... thanks.
Loreliar offers her hand. He takes it, across the counter.
LORELIAR We met at a train. A long one. Stuck in a sea of brake lights, as the fat, rusty cars went by, taking twenty five minutes at rush hour. You pulled out your guitar and sang to me from your front seat. I didn’t even try for you, and you noticed me.
She lets go of his hand to walk around the counter towards him. In that small pocket of time, he grows befuddled.
NOAH Try? I don’t–
She touches him again. 51
LORELIAR You helped me renovate this place. And I bought a stock room full of your goddamn adorable orphan jam. 28 cases, to make you smile.
She lets him go.
LORELIAR Good night, Noah. Be safe.
NOAH Uh. Yeah. (He discovers the journal in his hand.) Uh. Yeah. I said that, didn’t I? Ha. Good night.
He turns to the door. She puts a hand on his back.
LORELIAR You make music like we do. Effortlessly. And still, somehow, I waited two whole weeks to sleep with you. You have no idea what that’s like. That’s years, that’s... madness and treason where I come from. It’s also what fucked us up. It invoked the natural state of memory harm. You kissed me, but then I did the rest. Now, even a moment apart, and I start to lose you. Maybe it’s a mercy.
NOAH Mercy.
LORELIAR “Mouth to mouth and so alive.” I can’t do that to you again, can’t keep blurring you blind. It’s better. For both of us. But I miss you, love. I miss you when you’re across the room. (She kisses between his shoulder blades.)
NOAH You weren’t a dream.
LORELIAR No. But I made a mistake. A bunch, rather. I should’ve, and, and, I really shouldn’t’ve– The sex was quite great before your heart gave out. I hope you know that, and coming from a gal of my experience–
NOAH (He faces her.) Lorelei.
LORELIAR Noah? 52
NOAH (As if from a great distance.) I grow plums. I write songs. A lot of my friends are children. I remember a train. I remember... the whistle. And rolling my window down to talk to you. I remember a ceiling that isn’t mine. Why are you so slippery in my head?
LORELIAR Theologically? Or scientifically?
NOAH Actually.
LORELIAR It’s cause I’m kind of, sort of... a ssd’mn.
NOAH Come again?
LORELIAR Ha. Ha. Good joke. Um. A sex demon?
NOAH ...What?
LORELIAR Actually a sex demon?
NOAH Like, like a sexaholic? Have you sought help for it?
LORELIAR What? No. Demon, as in demon. (She makes finger horns.)
NOAH I don’t really play those kinds of games. I can’t; I’m raising orphans.
LORELIAR No, wait! I didn’t think to, ever, just, tell you. Let me try it.
NOAH Enough, Lorelei. Joke’s over.
LORELIAR I am a succubus. 53
NOAH No.
LORELIAR Not no! I know every sex position in the book. In all the books. The saddle. The spider. The speed bump. Bandoleer, eagle, sphinx, bear trap, the flaming–
NOAH You are taking extreme liberties in your metaphorical narrative.
LORELIAR I’m from Hell! I have horns, wings, and a tail– (As he involuntarily checks:) That only pop out... during. My mother’s a nine foot tall winged goat with two heads and twelve breasts. My brother and sister are six foot tall horn-dogs that wreak havoc wherever they go. I’ve slept with thousands of people, all over the world, and I never gave a blessing until I met you. Oh, Heaven, I’m losing you, aren’t I? How about this?
She kisses him. Again, the lights go hot and red. Too hot – Noah struggles to breathe. She backs off.
LORELIAR Sorry. I’m sorry! Too much. I warned you; I missed you. I can do this instead– (Her music plays.) And this. (She produces a flower.) And this. (She produces a bottle of alcohol.) And this– (The lights change to “mood lighting.”) Pretty much anything that encourages sex. (She holds out the bottle.) D’you wanna open this?
He doesn’t take it. His eyes flicker over all the evidence, oxygen levels still slightly iffy.
LORELIAR I just... have to be... really careful. Not to overwhelm your mortal coil. But I do love you. I do. Remember? ... Remember?
NOAH That’s a plum blossom. (She nods. Beat.) 54
It’s not plum season. (She shakes her head. Beat.) And you can hear that? (She nods. Beat. He touches his lips, wondering.) A sex... demon?
LORELIAR Succubus.
NOAH And you fell, in love, with me.
LORELIAR Yes.
NOAH (A sharp laugh.) Why?
She puts down the bottle and flower, with a solemnity that suggests this might be her only chance to explain, and touches his cheek. Then his temple. Then his throat. Then his heart.
They share a breath.
LORELIAR You survived me once. Maybe we can work out a bargain rate. (She steps behind him, muttering.) I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t, this is bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD IDEA–
NOAH Where... wait. Wait. (Losing her to the blur.) Stop leaving me alone in this!
Meekly, chastised, she returns to his line of vision.
NOAH Are you, like, an... evil demon?
LORELIAR Baby, I’m really trying not to be.
NOAH Can I keep my soul? 55
LORELIAR Yes. Oh yeah. I swear. I only want your heart.
NOAH Like... like “KALIMAAAAH?” (He mimes pulling it out.) Or–?
LORELIAR No. Like this. In fair exchange for mine.
And they kiss, and kiss, and kiss. 56
ACT TWO – SCENE FOUR
Nicold leads in Maxwell, blindfolded by his own tie.
NICOLD Okay, okay, aaaaand, stop.
MAXWELL Keep Going.
NICOLD No, stop.
MAXWELL We’re at Keep Going.
NICOLD (Unknotting the tie.) ...Right again, young Maxwell.
MAXWELL I don’t wish to upset Lorelei by being here so late, after hours.
NICOLD It’s 3 am. If she’s awake, I’m pretty sure she’s tatting lace.
A female moan upstairs. They both look up.
NICOLD Probably my brother. (Beat.) WOOHOO! GOOD JOB SHADEN! GIVE IT TO HER! YEAH!
MAXWELL Shhhhh! (She laughs hugely.) Really?
NICOLD Eh.
MAXWELL You’re a very interesting woman, Nicold.
NICOLD I should hope so. 57
MAXWELL You are equally versed in Machiavelli and Beyoncé. You recognize obscure Bible quotes– (Cutting her off.) Although you do not care for them, and tonight you drank a bathtub worth of blue shots that were on fire.
NICOLD Bloody Blue Blazes.
MAXWELL Yet you’re remarkably steady.
NICOLD Yep.
She grabs the ends of the untied tie around his neck.
NICOLD We went out. On a “daaaate.” As you say, it’s late. Now are you ready to kiss me?
MAXWELL No.
She drops the fabric ends, flummoxed.
MAXWELL But I do like you.
Huh.
NICOLD ...You want a coffee?
MAXWELL I can make–
NICOLD Nah, I’ve been practicing.
She steps behind the counter. The heavenly spotlight flickers at Maxwell.
MAXWELL Not now! 58
NICOLD What was that?
MAXWELL Nothing.
NICOLD Damn, it’s cute when you lie. Here. See? I figured out “iced.”
MAXWELL Where’s yours?
She guzzles from the pitcher.
MAXWELL Smart girl.
NICOLD “Smart.”
MAXWELL Quite smart.
NICOLD I guess.
She sashays past him, saunter as natural as breath.
NICOLD Lorelia…e. Always got called that.
MAXWELL And you were the pretty one?
NICOLD (With a slow burn smile.) Astute, Maxi. Say, is there any music in this joint?
MAXWELL What kind of music?
NICOLD Mongolian throat singing. I dunno, something lively.
MAXWELL ...Something, yes. 59
He cues up an enormously romantic country song.
NICOLD No shit, Maxwell?
MAXWELL I... I shit you not.
He holds out his hand for a dance. She’s flawless. He’s got adorable dad-level moves.
NICOLD I wouldn’t have pegged you for a cowboy.
MAXWELL “The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.”
NICOLD Plutarch? (Turning to check.) What, is that the shit on the board?
MAXWELL No. (Stopping the music.) It’s more problematic than you realize, but I... I admire your fire.
Nicold blushes.
NICOLD Wait. Shut up. What is that? Why is my face hot? Ah! (She presses the iced coffee to her cheek.)
MAXWELL (Only a little smug.) You’re blushing.
NICOLD Like a hum–? Er, like, you, when I had the bra?
Maxwell blushes.
NICOLD HA! Blusher! 60
MAXWELL Yes, like that, shhh! For Heaven’s sake–
She flashes her bra at him.
MAXWELL Nicold! Stop that!
NICOLD Hahahahahaha, you’re so red. \ MAXWELL You were too!
NICOLD (Calming out of her laughter.) I was, wasn’t I.
She steps close to him, angling once more.
MAXWELL I won’t kiss you, but only because we speak very different languages in that regard, Nicold. I do not kiss to feed. I only kiss to convey caring, joy, trust, and love.
Her eyes narrow. The temperature drops.
NICOLD That’s why you smell like the goddamn wind. You’re a white wings.
The spotlight flickers again. She sees it now.
NICOLD (To the Heavens.) FUCK OFF! WE’RE ON A DATE! I’m right, aren’t I? You’re a halo honky. A kowtow, scrape and bow, holy hallelujah pipe cleaner and bathrobe choir boy.
MAXWELL Yes, ma’am. I’m sorry. I should probably take this.
NICOLD Whatever. I don’t give a blessing.
She slurps her coffee, turning away, but totally still peeks as Maxwell rolls up his sleeves and steps into the light. A sense of peace floods his face. He smiles. 61
NICOLD ...Well? What are they saying?
MAXWELL (Opening his eyes. Stronger, nearing magnificence.) They are saying hello, Nicold, and sending you love and understanding. Even demons are God’s creatures, in their own way.
NICOLD (Beat. Maybe a surge of longing? Then:) Oh, barf
The light fades away, tinkling as it goes.
MAXWELL They are also saying your sister has found happiness in love.
NICOLD Shit. White wing shit in the clouds. (At his expression.) What do you want, a high five? When I get a call, from the Grand Legion of Hell Spawn, they aren’t going to react with deedly deedly sunshine. They’re going to gut Lolo and string her entrails up to hang Lilith’s laundry on.
MAXWELL Why do you care?
NICOLD What do you mean?
MAXWELL What does it matter?
NICOLD She’s my sister, you holy asshole.
MAXWELL And you love her.
NICOLD (Affronted.) What? Nah. We’ve just... you know, we’ve sworn a couple of blood oaths to look out for each other. We spawned in the same pond. That’s it.
MAXWELL I’ve been on Loreliar’s case for a while now. I’ve studied the files. And, glossing over the raping, 62 thieving, lying, and hedonistic portions, you and Shaden are enormously protective–
NICOLD No.
MAXWELL Encouraging.
She shakes her head, resolutely sucking up coffee.
MAXWELL Doting, familial, supportive, and kind.
He kisses her cheek. She glares at him like a ruffled owl, leaning away.
MAXWELL And I bet a smart... loving... and intensely caffeinated– (He takes a second to settle on the term:) Woman. Like you. Could think of a way to protect your sister from the Hell Spawn. Now that she has found the courage to reclaim her love. No?
They weigh each other. A tiny nod from her.
NICOLD Thanks, Blusher.
MAXWELL My pleasure, Blue Blazes.
He bows to her, and exits.
NICOLD Shaden Drainer, I need a word.
The sound of castanets going to find him. They fade away, and come back with him in tow, through the front door.
SHADEN Your castanets cast a net?
NICOLD (A double take.) I thought you were– (She gestures upstairs.) No? Dude. Tonight is weird. 63
SHADEN Okay.
NICOLD Three things. One, I can totally still smell your little swing dance. You’ve got to get new material. It’s about to be the twenty twenties. (Not letting him defend.) Two, Lolo’s in love, and I have it on “good” authority that she’s staying that way, so could I finally get the damn details on who the fuck died that one time and what we’re going to do about it?
SHADEN Well, Noah, but’s he’s alive. She prayed–
NICOLD Yeah, yeah, to the incognito Blusher, I caught that. And three, we’re gonna hafta pull a fast one on the Grand Legion of Hell Spawn. Are you in?
SHADEN (Grinning.) Duh. Drainers and black hearts for life. 64
ACT TWO – SCENE FIVE
Wendy, Wanda, Kitty, and Kat sit stunned. They’ve just heard the news that their boss is a succubus. Shaden and Nicold are perched nearby, waiting as the girls process the enormity of it. Loreliar enters from upstairs, dejected.
LORELIAR Oh, no. What is this? It’s dawn, what are you all... (To her siblings.) What have you done?
SHADEN Shh. We’ve just about convinced them of what we are. Had to go through all the ‘what, gasp, oh em jeez, eeee, aaaa, ooo’ denial crap. I think they’re just about there.
KAT This explains so much.
KITTY Why her tips are the best.
WANDA The apocalyptic stockpile of jam.
WENDY Why I’ve been sore. And happy.
LORELIAR Why would you enlighten them in the first place???
SHADEN Because, sister dear, at this point you have three options. Turn your new main squeeze–
LORELIAR Noah.
SHADEN Into a demon–
KITTY Knowing he’s got thirty orphans who depend on him...
KAT And a family who will notice the switch. 65
SHADEN Two, turn you into a mortal, thereby dissolving your powers and rendering you unworthy of notice by any, say, hordes of anti-lovin’, bloodthirsty, backstabbing, Grand Legions that may be out there. Or, you know, three, keep living on the edge like this until the Legion attacks and/or you mess up and kill him again with your high class Drainer nookie.
WANDA It’s so romantic.
LORELIAR ...You’re too late.
NICOLD He’s dead? Again? (She chuckles.) Awright. Problem solved.
SHADEN Nicold.
WENDY I’ve got a shovel.
KAT I’ll get the bleach.
SHADEN Friends. I see the appeal.
Loreliar begins to weep.
NICOLD Oh, Hell’s bells. Hold off, clean up crew. Did you pray again?
MAXWELL (Entering from upstairs.) She did. But this is why demons can’t have nice things.
LORELIAR You... he... he’s alive?!
KITTY Oh, yay!
MAXWELL I’ve saved him. He’s resting. My name is Maxwell, but, formally, hello, I’m the angel on your case. 66
LORELIAR ...An hour ago that would have really thrown me.
MAXWELL You’re probably going into shock. Huh.
KITTY Can you fly?
Beat. Maxwell nods, indicating it’s pretty awesome.
LORELIAR Noah’s safe? You’re sure?
MAXWELL He’s safe enough, for now. That I promise.
LORELIAR Then I’m done. I’ll sell the place; I’ll go.
KITTY KAT No! No, no, no, Missy. Don’t you dare! How could you just go?
WENDY WANDA Boss! We need you! Hold on! At least take a cleansing breath first.
SHADEN Oh, really. Would that make you happy?
LORELIAR I won’t endanger him again! I can’t!
SHADEN Good. Then we’re settled. Ladies, as discussed: your battle stations.
LORELIAR Their what-tle stations?
KITTY It’s. Happening. My butter and sugar are going to save the world!
WANDA (Revealing a vat of purple lavender spray.) I’ve got a lot of your... cousins. To keep calm. 67
WENDY (Revealing a weapon.) I’m back up in case things get rough.
WANDA (Doing something new with her leg.) And I can do this!
LORELIAR What? Shaden–
NICOLD Maxwell blessed your sink, so everything that comes out is Holy Water.
MAXWELL (Patting the faucet in total triumph:) “Good to the last drop.”
Nicold winks at him.
SHADEN Kitty took it and baked a jillion cherry muffins laced with it–
KITTY They’re projectiles!
SHADEN And Wanda doctored up that purple herbal Windex. With that much Jesus juice, most demons will give this place a wide berth. If they don’t, Wendy’s armed– (He smiles at Nicold.) As are we.
LORELIAR Well, Kat, then, there’s no reason–
KAT You’re planning to cross from one reality to the next. That requires a madman, a drunk, or an artist. We understand the thinness of the veil. I’ll capture the legend of your love. (Beat.) You know, in case you all die in flames.
LORELIAR But if I stop being a demon, then... we won’t...
NICOLD What? Compare tail sizes? 68
SHADEN Chase the pope?
NICOLD Party with vampires?
SHADEN Tickle the nuns?
LORELIAR I won’t be a Drainer.
NICOLD ...Sure you will, Lolo. You’ll just be our mortal sister, reigning over the upper world and teaching those sticky, jammy orphans the ways of Darkness.
LORELIAR Shayshay. Niknik. You’re really willing to help me on this?
NICOLD I wasn’t. At first, I thought you were a brat. Looking down on me, on my life choices. You wanted to turn your back on our ancient and ignoble line. Call me a slut, roll your eyes, starve.
LORELIAR I’m sorry.
NICOLD No, no, no. It’s your life, as much as we play with it. But the starving, that’s gotta go. (Beat.) He’s got a nice house. He writes sexy things in that journal. And you get this face, this soft and human face, when you see him. Like a part of you has already changed. So, fuck it. (To Wanda.) Is there coffee? Maxwell clears his throat.
NICOLD Calm down, tighty whiteys. So then, all on my own, I realized that I’d rather have you cheered up than moping around Hell, or topside, and scaring off our prey. (She swallows.) You’re my sister. If you want to fuck just one dude forever... (She makes several faces and noises, each more dismayed than the last, before softening.) At least he’ll sing with you.
LORELIAR I love you. 69
NICOLD Stop it. (As Loreliar hugs her.) Ugh. MEH.
SHADEN Slutty hug!
He jumps in. So does Kitty. Wanda tries for Wendy and gets an elbow in the gut. Maxwell checks his watch.
LORELIAR I think you’re a wonderful succubus.
SHADEN And incubus.
KITTY And baker!
LORELIAR Totally salacious whores. Thank you. I was a fool not to trust you.
NICOLD Fool... ish. (She touches Loreliar’s face. Beat. Extricating herself.) You’re welcome. Bendy straw, forget the coffee. Get to spritzing the perimeter. Keep the very hounds of Hell at bay. Wendy, if anything ugly, scaly, smelly, or very, very pretty shows up, you are released from the parameters of your parole. Beat that shit up.
WENDY (Seizing a weapon.) Katy, bar the goddamn door.
WANDA Who’s Katy? That’s Kat.
SHADEN Kitty? Muffins. Pelt them at anything that moves.
KITTY On it.
She bustles to the kitchen, returning with muffins. 70
SHADEN Kat–
KAT “If you are going through Hell, keep going.”
She sits with a sketch pad out of the way.
The Drainer siblings line up, Loreliar in the middle. She peels off her shirt, leaving only a tank top.
KITTY (Offering a single muffin.) Boss. You’re going to be fine.
Shaden and Nicold rear back from the muffin.
SHADEN Whoa! Watch where you’re swinging those, huh? We’re keeping our evil.
KITTY Right! Sorry.
WANDA Positive thoughts. Visualize, actualize–
WENDY (Test-swinging her weapon.) Traumatize.
MAXWELL It’ll burn to touch, so you’ll need to eat it fast, okay, Loreliar? Get that Holy Water working.
She nods at him.
NICOLD Oh, we know how to swallow in this family.
SHADEN Yeah we do!
They high five.
MAXWELL I can’t believe I’m asking this, cause converting a demon is awesome for my career, but... are you sure this is what you want? Noah, and mortality, and–? 71
LORELIAR Yes.
MAXWELL It’s not reversible.
LORELIAR (With certainty.) Neither is love.
MAXWELL Okay. She was born in darkness. To darkness she must return, once more.
Violins and cellos, sharp as birds.
Loreliar snatches the muffin. She crams it in her mouth. Noah enters just in time to see her chew. He is weak, pale, and clutching the door frame.
NOAH Loreliar? Guys? What’s going on?
NICOLD Hell. Hell is going on.
The stage disintegrates to blackness. Chaos in the night. Loreliar pants as the ground opens beneath them and Hell rises. Kat yells, Kitty throws muffins, demons snarl, Wendy hits shit. Teeth gnash! Beasts snarl! Thuds and crashes and liberal spritzing.
WANDA Namaste! Namaste! Ah!
KITTY Take that! And that!
KAT Aaaaaaah!
SHADEN You can’t have her!
NICOLD HAHAHAHAHAHA! 72
WENDY C’mere, big boy! HIIIIIYA!
NOAH Lorelei!
SHADEN Fuck!
LORELIAR Noah?!
NOAH WHAT THE– HEY! LORELEI?!
SHADEN STAY BACK, MORTAL!
NICOLD Mom, we can explain!
LORELIAR I’ll explain! I love him, and you, and you, and all the devils here can’t stop me! HEY! LET ME GO!
Wings come off – tearing sounds. Loreliar cries out.
The heavenly spot light rises on Maxwell. His palms are up again; he is the eye of the storm. He reaches into the the madness to fish Loreliar out.
She sags inside the light circle. Her back is bloodied where her wings were torn off. Maxwell holds her up.
NICOLD Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit–
SHADEN MAX?!
Wanda cries out.
MAXWELL Stay here!
He dives back into the darkness. 73
NOAH Lorelei? Where are you? Lor–
LORELIAR HERE!
Noah stumbles into the light as well. They embrace, as everything crescendoes around them. Winds and whip cracks push them onto the ground.
LORELIAR I’VE MADE MY CHOICE!
DEMONIC VOICES Be mortal then! Your heart is pure. It cannot dwell in Hell e’er more.
Hell closes. Lights rise. Shit is fucked up.
Kitty’s out of muffins. Wanda’s drained and her hair is standing on end. Wendy is sprawled across the bar. Kat clutches her sketch pad. She picks up one of the muffins off the floor.
KAT Love is scary. (She takes a bite.)
The others are down on the floor: Nicold, Maxwell, and Shaden lie in one heap, and Noah and Loreliar curl together in another.
MAXWELL We chose well. Look: he crossed through Hell to find her.
NICOLD Hey! Hey, Lolo. That was pretty epic. Loreliar?
Loreliar does not see Nicold, Shaden, or Maxwell. She and Noah examine her bloody back.
SHADEN Crap. We didn’t think about that part. If we want her attention, we’ll have to hit on her. That’s weird, even for us. 74
NICOLD Bleagh. Yo, Captain Orphan! Jam dude! ...Huh. Him too.
MAXWELL Fear not. I can bless them with a second sight.
He blows a kiss at them. A bell bongs. Lorelei and Noah jerk. They turn to see Shaden and Nicold. The demons smile in relief. Everyone waves at each other.
The door to the café chimes and the same idiot customer from Act One enters.
CUSTOMER Excuse me, are ya’ll open yet? It’s six a.m.
WENDY WE JUST SAVED THE WORLD. FUCK OFF. 75
ACT TWO – SCENE SIX
Time for another open mic, and for the siblings to go. The humans set up, while the Drainers say goodbye.
Wanda, having begged for her shot to be the bouncer, is wearing Wendy’s leather jacket.
WENDY (Turning up the collar.) There. Now you’re ready to bounce.
WANDA (Petting herself, a little worried.) This jacket’s imitation leather, right? Right? No cowsies were harmed?
WENDY Sure, kid. Chill. Cleansing breath in–
She spritzes Wanda with lavender. Kat enters.
KAT I’ve been offered a gallery exhibit! Look! (She shows off a portrait of Nicold, naked and fabulous.)
LORELIAR Way to go, Slutangelo. You’re immortalized.
NICOLD Can’t deny my classic appeal. Stop worrying. Mother will forgive you.
LORELIAR You think so?
NICOLD Yep. Sure do. She’ll forget all about it in comparison. Cause sooner or later, I’m gonna fuck that angel.
She waves to Maxwell. Shaden appears with the suitcases.
SHADEN Hey! Hey now. I’m reaching my capacity for wholesome joy.
NICOLD (Slinging her arm around them.) C’mere, Drainer dears. 76
Shaden and Loreliar rest their heads against her.
LORELIAR No orgies this time.
NICOLD (Holding up her hands in innocence.) No orgies... (As Loreliar takes the stage.) This time.
SHADEN (Amused.) Hellraiser.
NICOLD Quiet, middle child.
The crowd cheers, Nicold and Shaden loudest among them.
LORELIAR For the lovers. And the friends. And– (She finds Noah in the crowd. Hoisting her ukulele) You. (Singing:) Sometimes you’ve got to admit that you’re scared, Look yourself in the face, and screw your courage to the sticking place. Break all the rules, do the foolish thing. Oh, learning to love is such a foolish thing. Keep going, my darling! Keep going, my dear! Keep going, ever forward, In hopes that it all will become clear. Forge on ahead, take it all in stride, It’s better to fall on your ass than reside in your pride. Keep going, not knowing the way. Keep going: Trust that you’ll find it one day. If you are going through Hell, keep going. When I’m going through Hell, It’s knowing That we’ll reunite In the light, in the love, in the night. We’ll reunite And I’ll get back to your side Someday.
THE END