TUESDAY NOVEMBER26,2002

VOLUME88,ISSUE18

All the news that fits we print. Almost 100 percent new content! A special edition of “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” ONLINE:www.nique.net ESTABLISHED 1911, INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

Stadium Regulations Changes at Sanford Homecoming Dawgs vs. Dogs theme annouced The committee planning the Administrators announce new admission 2003 Homecoming game recent- policies that no longer favor humans ly announced the theme for next’s year week-long festivities. “Piss- By Bob Stuyevandt and animals the same when it ing the Night Away in 2003” Kind of a writer comes to admissions standards. will be the featured theme for In the past we have only had a the event. In an expected move Thurs- human population, but we Next year’s homecoming fes- day, the “University” of Geor- thought it would be interesting tivities will end with a game gia Administration announced to see animals and humans against Vocational School of that humans “studying” to- Northeastern New Mexico State, would no long- gether more,” following the tradition of all SEC er be the only “We have always explained teams to play the equivalent of a species allowed U(sic)GA high school team for homecom- to apply for ad- had a problem President ing. As always the festivities will mission start- keeping our student Michael Ad- include a beer chugging contest ing next year. ams. as well as the Most Likely to U(sic)GA , population under “I am really Become a Prominent Fast Food like most Uni- control. Now, with excited about Worker and Miss Piggy contests. versities, has all the new had a storied a the addition of the types of people history of al- collars, finding a that will be Tickets available lowing only coming to humans onto student will be no campus next for its campus. problem” year. My His- Although the Dawgs will play However, tory of Rock for the SEC championship on Michael Adams starting in and Roll class- Dec. 7 against LSU, adminis- President 1785, it be- es are really dif- trators have already predicted that came very ob- ficult and it will in following with the choking vious that the be nice to find tradition of the team the Dawgs very animals some new will fail to capture the champi- that U(sic)GA “studies” could ‘study’ partners,” explained jun- By Peter “Big” Johnson/ STUDENT PUBLICATIONS onship for the 22nd time. There- Signs outside of Sanford announce the new changes to those greatly improve the overall aca- ior Allison Nickles. fore tickets for the Citrus Bowl attending games. However, the new regulations will only be noticed by the demic prestige of the school. Starting next year, Georgia attending games. However, the new regulations will only be noticed by the will go on sale Dec. 8 at the few U(sic)GA students and fans that can actually read the stadium signs. “We decided to “go out on a few U(sic)GA students and fans that can actually read the stadium signs. student ticket pick up area out- limb” and start treating humans See Getting In, page 4 side . Tutition increase Dawgs outraged by new voting machines By Bubba Ray Smith Jones ogy, smashed pens and other for mild electrical shock. Several don’t have a decent college news- angers students We is the Best in the SEC sharp objects through the screens other students ran screaming from paper. Computerized voting of at least 137 machines. the voting booths when they were machines are like magic to these By Bobbi Jo Lynn Smith Local officials estimate that “I wasn’t angry or nothin’,” splattered with fluid from punc- people.” Gator Hater Athens residents caused as much said Asinine Ugah, who jabbed tured liquid crystal displays. “It was all dem colors an as $8 million in damage to new at his voting machine with a fork. “I’m just relieved the num- blinkin’ lights an stuff,” said Univeristy (sic) President Michael Ad- computerized voting machines “Alls I was hearin’ on the news ber of injuries wasn’t higher,” Hunter “Stonewall” Jackson. “Ya ams recently announced a plan to the Board earlier in elections earlier this was ‘bout dem hangin chads in said elections official Hans Blix. go in d’ere and yur like a deer of Regents’ that could result in an increase month. Most of the damage seems Florida ‘cause dem people cain’t “You take a substantial risk any caught in headlights.” in tuition cost for U(sic)GA students. to have occurred at polling sta- punch through de paper. D’at time you bring advanced tech- With so many machines out According to Adams, the hike, which tions scattered around U(sic)GA ain’t gon’ happen n’ere. I ain’t a nology into a backwater area like of service, elections officials had could directly affect many students, comes campus. Students and faculty, pussy.” Athens. Heck, until ten years to resort to improvised written in response to the recent budget cuts put on apparently confused and disori- Ugah was one of 125 stu- ago, U(sic)GA hadn’t even seen the school by the state. ented by touch-screen technol- dents treated in local hospitals color television, and they still See Voting, page 5 “Those policticians down in the big city don’t know what they’re doing by cutting our funds,” said Adams. “We have made so many improvements on campus in recent U(sic)GA president hopes to fix sewers years. Last year we were finally able to pro- vide electricity to all of our dorms.” By I.P. Freely “I think that this SHIT is the Without some new funds these improve- DAWG Nation perfect thing for U(sic)GA,” said ments would come to an end, and the school Adams. would be forced to end some projects. “Cur- Hoping to emulate the re- “We’ll be able to introduce a rently we are planning to renovate all of the cent success of Georgia Tech variety of cutting- technol- outhouses on campus by 2005 and without President Wayne Clough’s plan ogies in the area of sanitation this tuition hike this will never occur,” said to rebuild ’s sewer sys- science like toilets with high-tech Adams. tem, U(sic)GA President Michael flushing mechanisms. No long- U(sic)GA students are greatly divided Adams has formed his own team er will students be forced to dis- on the issue. “I really like some of them to tackle the “sewers” of Athens, pose of their waste products by improvements being made,” said Short- Georgia. hurling it from their dorm win- Division major Billy Bob Clyde Gump. “I Together with a group of dows.” mean it’s really nice to have heaters in the world-renowned experts with ex- “I’s so excited. We’s finally outhouses and typewriters in the labs, but a perience in a variety of Third- gonna get them deeelightful white tuition hike wouln’t be no good at all. I World countries, Adams will head flushing bedpans like they’s got the Sanitation and Health Im- in the Wal-Mart,” said Ellie May By Sue Ellen Potter / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS See Monies, page 3 provement Team, also known Installation of the new sewage system takes place on campus. This as SHIT. See Sewers, page 5 marks the first organized sewer system in Athens since 1785. 2 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia TO HELL WITH NEWS

THWUGA: As much about us as them THWUGA Online Voice Your Opinion! By Jody Shaw note that THWUGA is as much Over the years the has Last issue’s poll got lots responses to the question: Editor-in-Chief about us, as a newspaper and an produced various issues mocking “What’s the most important thing to bring to the game?” Institute, as it is about our rivals. UGA’s daily newspaper, The Red Here are the most popular responses: If it’s your first year at Georgia Some 92 years ago, the first edi- and Black, and the constituency it Tech—or if you are a University of tors of the Technique published Vol- serves. It’s been called The Rude and Georgia student lucky enough to ume One, Issue One on November Bleak and UGA Today, and its lead lay eyes on this issue of the Tech- 17, 1911. The eight-page tabloid story has ranged from last year’s re- nique—allow me to introduce you quired airport security classes to Uga to “To Hell With Georgia,” a very V’s sex change operation. special edition of “The South’s Live- It is the tradition But it is not the name of the liest College Newspaper.” In the next paper or the content within it that 26 pages you will find alcohol and embodied in this issue matters most to us; it is the tradition incest, rednecks and farm animals that we hold dear. embodied in this issue that we hold and lots and lots of dawgs. dear—a tradition of ingenuity and I’m often asked how the tradi- creativity that binds us together not tion of THWUGA began. My friends only as a newspaper staff, but also as at the say that newspaper focused primarily on the a Tech community. For as ourfound- by producing such a “rag,” we Tech upcoming football contest with the ers expressed in their original issue, students merely perpetuate unfor- Georgia. It predicted, arrogantly and the name Technique “expresses the tunate stereotypes—of Athens stu- incorrecly, that the Jackets would purpose and nature of the school dents as drunken rednecks and triumph over the Bulldogs. and paper as well, perhaps, as it can ourselves as giant geeks with inferi- From these “modest” roots, the be expressed in a word.” ority complexes—that are no long- present day Technique came into So enjoy this issue, as it is as Image by Mary Lynn Dawn Johnson / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS er as true as they once were. I answer being. And it is these roots that we much about you, me, Ma Tech and This week’s poll is related to the new animal admission policies. these questions and criticisms the as a staff honor when we produce everything good that the White and How do you feel about attending class with animals besides Dawgs? same way each time I hear them; I “To Hell With Georgia.” Gold represent as it is about UGA.

U(sic)GA:GA: Our cheer- leaders is the best ats what they done do. TO HELL WITH NEWS To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 3

PETA protests Dairy Random Retard Technology causes confusion Fun Night competition By John Billie Bobertson some for the event in re- Lover of Cows everywhere cent years from groups such as PETA, which claim that the Dairy Fun night Dairy farmers and cow lovers is an example of abuse of animals around the world gathered in Ath- due to the sick nature of some of the ens on Thursday for the annual Dairy compeitions. Fun night. The event helped to por- “Although it is true that many of tray the wonderfull world of cows the competitions are quite innocent, through various events ranging from I simply can’t believe some of the hay tossing to cow tipping. stuff that goes on behind closed doors Dairy Farm Engineering major at these competitions,” said PETA Jon Ross Billy Carter participated representative Ilova Animals. in many of the events held in the “I mean U(sic)GA students do Dairy Science Arena on campus. some really disgusting things to these “This is just one of the bestest events cows, I would classify some of it as that we ever have come to campus,” sexual abuse.” said Carter. However students find nothing “I mean what’s better than a night wrong with the Dairy Fun night By Bobbi Jo Hartner / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS of tossing hay and spittin’ chewin’ competitions. “I’ve been doing this Freshman U(sic)GA student Iwanna Cow is confused by the installed palm scanners in front of Creswell tobaccer. I just wish there’s was more kind of stuff since I was old enough Hall. Prior to attending U(sic)GA, most students have few experiences with such complicated machinery. activities like this on campus.” to walk,” said Stevie Joe Dukens. The event was first held in Ath- “My daddy taught me how to give it ens in 1903 when the American As- to a cow and now I’m simply carry- sociation of Cow Lovers discovered ing on the proud tradition.” Monies from page 1 dents. “I would also like to purchase get some money from our alumni, I that a large majority of cow lovers, These same feeling were expressed at least one new computer,” said mean they come on campus with cow tippers and dairy farmers at- by Dairy Farm Engineering profes- use some of that there money to Johnson. their RVs and piss all over every- tended U(sic)GA. throw more campus wide keggers. I “The COCK currently only has thing, the lest they could do is give The asscociation has experienced See Dairy Fun, page 4 mean I need some more practice two computers on site and it would us some money,” said Beer Market- drinking it being part of my major be great. I would also like to put the ing major Stonewall Gump. “If Tech and all.” Declaration of Important Computer can have that Captial Campaign why Many are also wondering how Knowledge (DICK) online. It would cain’t we, huh?” the thought of a tuition increase However Adams is quick to point could affect students currently ap- out that a program similar to Tech’s plying. “When I heard that they “I mean it’s really nice Capital Campaign would probably might be raising that tutition, I was not succeed. “We just don’t have outraged,” said Porky, a Georgia to have heaters in the the alumni support, cause Mc- pig who plans to apply to the outhouses....” Donald’s salaries don’t go too far,” U(sic)GA due to the recent change said Adams. “But hey if we can’t Billy Bob Clyde Gump in admission policies. “I have no make lots of money at least we are Short Division Major idea how I will be able to afford this better at drinking.” here increase.” Although the plan is currently Although students are divided not officially under consideration on the issue, most professors are greatly simplify the DICK for sut- by the Board of Regents, Adams looking forward to the increase in dents.” hopes that the hike will be approved funding provided by the tuition hike. Many students are wondering if before the start of next football sea- College of Computer Knowledge U(sic)GA administrators couldn’t son. “Since Tech is going to have By Ilova Uga / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS (COCK) professor Willy Johnson pursue other ideas for funding pos- their renovated stadium, I really hope Friday’s Dairy Fun Night featured a milk chugging competition won by hopes to increase the number of sibly focusing on alumni. “I don’t that we can put on a good showing bovine major Saucy McSauce, as well as other agriculture-related events. typewriters currently available to stu- understand why they don’t try to with our improved outhouses.” 4 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia TO HELL WITH NEWS

Getting in from page 1 “For years I have wondered why I Dairy Fun from page 3 wasn’t allowed to apply...I have dormitories will be fitted to house 2002 Dairy Fun Night Champions

U(sic)GA Cow Tipping Nationals Jim Bob Ray animals of all species. Creswell and twice the intelligence of most of ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ Brumby dormitories will have bars U(sic)GA Heffer Racing Nationals Suzie Jo Bojangles the students.” ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

added on all doors and windows to U(sic)GA Cow Milking Nationals Captain Morgan ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

hold the new “Ape Community.” UGA VI U(sic)GA Cow Licking Nationals Bud Light Lee ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

The Myers Quad will have walls U(sic)GA’s beloved mascot U(sic)GA Cow Screwing Nationals MGD Michaels ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

built up on all four sides and be U(sic)GA Dress Like Your Cow Nationals Deer Hunter Jr. ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

filled with 100 million gallons of U(sic)GA Milk Chugging Nationals Ricky McRick ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○

salt water to house the new “Dol- under control. Now, with the addi- following a loss. U(sic)GA Ice Cream Eating Nationals Ima Dumass ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ phin Community.” The biggest tion of the collars, finding a student The University (sic) announced U(sic)GA Cow Jumping Nationals Amanda Hugankis change involves the addition of an will be no problem,” further explained that students found in violation of ○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○○ electric fence around the entire cam- Adams. these policies will be sent to a school sor Ima Hick, who coordinated the amazing.” pus and the issuance of electric dog The University (sic) released new of lower prestige and forced to study event. “This event is perfectly inno- “Although I like the milk chug- collars for all students. policies regarding animal-human “Being a good employee for my Tech cent. We are simply showing our ging contest, I think they should U(sic)GA’s most famous animal relationships Thursday as well as boss.” The University (sic) later love of cows in a different way that replace the milk with beer. That is excited to finally have the chance new animal-sexual abuse polices. No realized that this was inevitable. other think is normal,” said Hick. would make everyone happiers and to earn his degree after watching the longer can you just “go behind the While humans are given the op- “We have every right to have these attract more student lookin’ to get idiots around him do so for years. barn.” portunity to study animals, the same competitions and no ones from them drunk.” “For years I have wondered why I These policies also include strict will now be true for animals when there PETA groups goin to stop Other students agree with PETA wasn’t allowed to apply for some of rules on the use of FDA approved Humans 101 and Raising Your us.” in that the Dairy Fun Night should the programs here being that I have tranquilizers on animals to fulfill Human 2002 start up in the fall. Although the recent controversy be abolished. “I don’t know why we twice the intelligence of most of the “certain needs” and the new goat Assignments will include night- has left many wondering if the com- have these here events in support of students I’ve interacted with,” said housing visitation policies, “No goats ly binge drinking and discovering petition has outlived its usefulness, cows. I mean all cows ares good for UGA VI, Georgia’s mascot since after 3 a.m.” human-sexuality. For more infor- some students see it has a harmless is milk and good ole grade A beef. 1999. Animals will not be allowed to mation regarding these classes and campus event that promotes the love Let’s just take them there cows to “Since I started I have been help- participate in varsity sports for fear other difficult classes, visit http:// of cows. “The Dairy Fun Night is the slaughterhouse instead of tip- ing the cheerleaders out with their of the animals showing more intel- www.reg.uga.edu. just great,” said Beer Testing major ping them over,” said Deer Hunt- farming and outhouse construction ligence and talent than that of the Jon Boy McGavin. “The activities ing major Porter Lee Smith. classes and I am excited to finally football team. Author’s Note: I would like to apol- are simply harmlessness fun. I love All in all event organizers agree have a chance to earn my degree.” However, as usual, three goats ogize to everyone at the University the cow tipping and the heffer race. that even with the controversy, the “We have always had a problem will be dropped off to the U(sic)GA (sic) of Georgia for the use of large My heffer, Big Mama, almost won Dairy Fun Night was a success for keeping our student population locker room following a win, two words in this article. that race there last year. It was just the students and the cows. Register for TIME 4250 this Spring and learn how to read an analog watch. TO HELL WITH NEWS To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 5

Sewers from page 1 Voting from page 1 Lou Ann Bojangles. you want, but unless these poor pa- ballots, making use of any scrap pa- In many ways, Adam’s task is far thetic people are taught basic toilet- per available. more challenging than Clough’s ever use techniques, it will all be “There were thousands of un- was. The Athens “sewer” system meaningless. I’d recommend a stag- read Red and Blacks lying everywhere, consists of a half-dozen open pits 50 gered implementation plan with so we made do with those,” said feet deep. Raw sewage is released multiple stages designed to accli- Blix. into the ground at various points mate students. After all, you’ve got Anticipating the problems that called “outhouses.” As the sewage to walk before you can run. Potty- might arise from the miserable state leaks through the train before of their students’ computer skills, ground, it gradu- crapping on U(sic)GA launched a massive edu- ally pools in the one’s own.” cational campaign earlier this year pits where the el- “I can’t believe that Ad- in preparation for the elections. Their ements of nature ams disagreed. first step was to distribute a packet gradually render some people are “I can’t believe of information to all students. The it inert. trying to smear the that some peo- packet covered topics like “Basic “This technol- ple would stoop Mouse Operation: Theories in Com- ogy was first in- SHIT. Frankly, I don’t to the level of parative Perspective” and “Double- troduced in the expect some big-city smearing the Clicking: An Acquired Skill.” The year 937 in Me- SHIT,” said packet was dubbed the Declaration dieval France,” bidet-using bureaucrat Adams. of Important Computer Knowledge said Adams. like Wayne to “Frankly, I (DICK). “While it’s a don’t expect “I love the DICK,” said U(sic)GA system we’re used understand our some big-city, President Michael Adams. “I look to, it’s a throw- problems here.” bidet-using bu- at the DICK all the time; at work, at By Iwanna Beer / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS back to a bygone reaucrat like home, in the bathroom, everywhere. Members of the Clarke County Republican Party worried that the recent age. These im- Michael Adams Wayne to un- Anytime someone has a question, I vandalism of voting machines would result in inaccurate election results. provements will U(sic)GA President derstand our just whip it out. I’d like to thank the help us enter the problems here. new College of Computer Knowl- for Green Party candidate Liberal Fortunately, the election chaos 20th century,” Everyone edge (COCK) for developing it.” Hippie’s sweeping victory in the was not widespread enough to reso- The plan is ambitious, replacing should be embracing the SHIT and While Adams was enthusiastic, Athens mayor’s race. Polls showed nate at the state level. all outhouses with toilets and doing pushing the SHIT to new levels.” some students still found computer Mayor-Elect Hippie running at just “Luckily, voters in Augusta, Val- away completely with open sweage The Federal Government’s En- technology overwhelming. .003 percent only days before the dosta, Macon and other areas of pits. Raw sewage will instead be vironmental Protection Agency “I like the COCK,” said Out- election. Georgia are so overwhelmingly thick- pumped directly into local creeks. mandated the sewer changes. The house Construction major Cooter “When I found out I won, I was headed that, even without U(sic)GA’s “Under this system, all our prob- open-pit system creates a cloud of Travis. like, ‘Whoa, man. Sweet,’” said 30,000 votes, Sonny and Saxby still lems just float away,” said Adams. crap vapor that rises as high as ten “It’s just that the DICK is so Mayor-Elect Hippie. “Now I can won,” said Republican spokesman While Adams is optimistic, Geor- miles in the atmosphere. The cloud long and hard [to read].” push my agenda. Fur is murder, Steat Opygic. gia Tech President Clough expressed floats downwind and creates wide- In spite of all its efforts, the ad- man. Save the Earth, man. Peace in Athens officials hope to return his doubts. spread fallout of noxious vapor. The ministration’s educational drive the Middle East, man.” to return to the original voting ma- “The challenge in Athens will vapor causes hundreds of illnesses seems to have been unsuccessful. Hippie will be joined on the City chines by 2004. “I don’t know what really be more cultural than techno- every year in both humans and wild- Aside from the physical damage and Council by Socialist Party Candi- else we can do,” said Opygic. “Un- logical,” he said. “You can intro- life. Construction workers also at- injuries, political pundits are cred- date V.I. Lempkin and Reform Par- less the DICK is effective we will duce all the advanced technology tribute paint corrosion to the fumes. iting the massive voter confusion ty Candidate Rossy“Big Ears” Parrot. have to go back.” 6 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia BARKIN’page 6 BARKIN’ To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 OUR VIEWS Consensus Opinion

DAWG VIOLATER Election help needed from Tech profs The recent election of the Green ment is this: you stupid people should solved by all of you closing your Party candidate for Athens mayor not be prevented from voting, but eyes while you vote. Two, no one in points to the need for major reform clearly having you interact with tech- Athens could count high enough to of the electoral process in Athens. nology that has more intelligence tally all the votes. I propose brining As a professor from the school of than you is disastrous. While the in election officials from the Carter Industrial Engineering at Georgia DICK was a step in the right direc- Center who could not only moni- Tech, I believe that I can solve the tion, all of you are clearly unable to tor the situation but could also count problem better than anyone at UGA. handle such a piece of equipment. up to one hundred, easily enabling After all, many of the broken screens To improve this system, I pro- them to count all the residents in were caused by professors from your pose that Athens use a voting meth- Athens. If you wan t to re-enfran- school of Political Science, many od that all of you are more familiar chise yourselves, give me a call. who had extensively studied the new with: raising your hands. I realize voting method before the election. that this presents a few problems. Professor Inteli Gent The basic premise of my argu- One, no secret ballot. This is easily Georgia Tech

Consensus editorials reflect the majority opinion of the Editorial

Board of the Technique, but not necessarily the opinions of Boomer Woo / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS individual editors. BARKIN’ To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 7 THWUGA Get your S.E.C. Championship tickets here! “The South’s Liveliest College Newspaper” Established in 1911

Editor-in-Chief Jody Robert Shaw • • • Managing Editor Derek Haynes Ω News Tony Kluemper, Editor Daniel Amick, Senior Staff Writer Opinions Sara Cames, Editor Matt Norris, Cartoonist Focus Jennifer Schur, Editor Kimberly Rieck, Senior Staff Writer Entertainment Julia Trapold, Editor Jon Kaye, Pete Mocker Sports Katie Neal, Editor John Parsons, Senior Staff Writer Jimmy Henderson, Ryan Peck Production Justin Partlo, Adversting Mgr. Stephen Baehl, Copy Editor Photography Scott Meuleners, Editor June Zhang, Darkroom Mgr. Ian Clark, Assistant Editor Bill Allen, Danielle Bradley, Tim Cailloux, Robert Hill, Charles Frey, Christopher Gooley, Shelley Hoyal, John Jewell, Peter Jensen, Stephen Marek, Katie Oliff, Daniel Uhlig Online Karl Guertin, Editor Associate Editor Daniel Uhlig Board of Student Publications Dr. Carole E. Moore, Chair RoseMary Wells, Publications Mgr. Billiee Pendleton-Parker, Advisor Advertising and Accounting Nancy Bowen, Business Mgr. Marcus Kwok, Accounts Mgr. Donna Sammander, Advertising Mgr.

• • •

Copyright Notice Copyright © 2002, Jody Shaw, Editor-in- No tuition hike! I already sold my tractor Chief, and by the Board of Student Publications. The Technique is an official publication of the Georgia Tech Board of Student Publications. No part of this paper may be reproduced in any manner without written permission from the Editor or from the Board of Student Publications. The ideas expressed herein are those of the Editor or the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Board of Student Publications, the students, staff, or faculty of Georgia Tech, or the University System of Georgia. r Advertising Information Information and rate cards can be found on our World Wide Web site at www.cyberbuzz.gatech.edu/technique/. The deadline for reserving ad space and submitting ad copy is noon on Friday, one week prior to publication. There are no exceptions to this policy. For rate information, call our offices at (404) 894- 2830, Monday through Friday from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Advertising space cannot be reserved over the phone. TheTechnique office is located in room 137 of the Student Services Building, 353 Ferst Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30332-0290. Questions regarding advertising billing should be directed to Marcus Kwok at (404) 894-9187, or RoseMary Wells at (404) 894-2830.

Letter Submission Policy The Technique welcome all letters to the editor and will print letters on a timely and space-available basis. Letters should be hand-delivered, mailed to Georgia Tech Campus Mail Code 0290, or emailed to [email protected]. Letters should be addressed to Jody Shaw, Editor- in-Chief. All letters must be signed and must include a campus box number or other valid mailing address for verification purposes. Letters should not exceed 400 words and should be submitted by 8 a.m. Wednesday in order to be printed in the following Friday’s issue. Any letters not meeting these criteria or not considered by the Editorial Board of the Technique to be of valid intent will not be printed. Editors reserves the right to edit for style, content, and length. Only one submission per person will be printed each term.

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Contact [email protected] BARKIN’ To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 9 Bark Around the Bubba Gump Mr. and Mrs. Adams Nappi Hair Ugli Grrrl Beer Graduate President and First Lady of Agriculture Senior Foundation Fellow UGA Farm “I didn’t need to; “Books are only good “Its fine so long as UGA gave me a “Don’t do it; it makes for one thing: toliet people who can read diploma anyway!” you smell like ass.” paper.” ain’t treated better than us illiterates.”

Question of the week “What do you think about reading and book learnin’?”

Dork Ricket Mr. Ed Goat Boy Bertha Bovine UGA Head Coach Journalism 8th year Solid Waste Management Grad PE Junior “What’s reading?” Feature and Photos by “Leave the geek do- “I think it should be “I think my time is Bubba Barker main to Tech; it’s all limited to designated better spent chewing they have.” areas, like the bath- tobacco and sleeping room.” with my cousin.” 10 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia BARKIN’ Miss Skank Advice on Kissin’ and Sexin’ Miss Skank tells all and advises all dysfunctional UGA students Miss Skank, you’ve got to help me! to my bed one night as usual, and two-fold problem has reared its ugly bumkin look and wear our old over- boyfriend: I’d been pregnant with an- I recently discovered that my boyfriend when he got nice and, well, not quite head. First, the long-term shortage of alls. So, if you aren’t into getting other man’s child earlier but lost it of three months was sleeping with my long, but as long as he could get black pants available in Athens has some through that hole in your pants, after a vigorous day of farming and sister. As I am pregnant with his love- (which made me question why I made it impossible for me to find a then you should start this new trend I’ve been stripping for the last year. child, I decided I should do something was with him in the first place, but new pair, and this old one is starting and wear your overalls proud. Plus, He wasn’t upset at all but asked me if about it! When I went over to his you know, I thought what with the to get holes in some very unfortunate with all the pockets them overalls I would perform a live sex show with house, though, I caught him there with inventinin of those new blue pills, places, if you get my drift. The second have you can put a six pack of Natty my roommate! After all of that was my roommate! I couldn’t help but Vimagra or somethin, he’d do bet- problem is that the wonderful farm Light in ‘em to carry around party- over, I hoped my life would settle down wonder, what next, my mom and my ter) and I just took that pitchfork slop they have at UGA has made me ing with ya! This solution saves money for a while. cow? I still love him, and I want him that my daddy usta done use for gain over 10 pounds since I’ve been at and will make all the guys go ga ga But it didn’t. My sister has been a back for the baby’s sake. What should scooping the shit, and I done raked college. Help me with both my prob- over your beer prowess. prostitute for 2 years, and has decided I do to stop those dirty hoes from sleep- off his wanker!! lems, and I’ll be forever grateful! As far as your fat problem, the that she’s quitting the business. After ing with my man? If you take away his privates then overalls solve this too because they she told her pimp, he decided to quit, you can be sure that he won’t be —Party Girl just flow around you and make you too, and they got married at a mass —Sleeping with a Man-Whore messin around with any of them look farm beeeoootiful! cult wedding! Then more family prob- other girls, he’ll just be there for you Aye, I once had holes in my pants lems just piled up, my grandmother You know, Sleeper, I once had and your baby. Make sure to use a too, but I liked it. It made me feel I was talking to my boyfriend last danced naked on the Jerry Springer something similar happen to me. I sturdy metal object, now, and use a like the animals were REAL close week and he said now that our rela- show. So, my question for you is this: just plum thought my life was ovah! firm grip! when we was dancin together under tionship is getting serious he knew he how bout’ them Dawgs? Here’s what I did to solve the prob- tha moon. The sorority-mandated had to tell me the truth… he’s really a lem; it might give you some insight When I was a freshman, I bought black pants look should be going woman. He then told me not only is he —Trailer Trash as to what to do in your situation. this great pair of black “goin’ out” out of style soon, anyhow. I say it’s gay, but he’s having and affair with a I decided that castration would pants. They made me the most popu- about durn time that we all go back transsexual! Aw, dawg, you know it’s gotta be the best method. I lured the cheater lar girl in Athens. Lately, though, a to our roots and go for the retro I had two secrets of my own for my be PISS ON ‘EM!! sliver box www.nique.net/sliver to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with geor- gia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell with georgia. to hell GETTIN’page IT11 ON To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 11 Munch on this Brotherly lovin’ The downturn in the economy has negatively A recent shift in dating trends shows that GETTIN’ IT ON affected job placement for students in the Fast students have started picking their siblings Food major. Big dreams of Chick-fil-A over their animals when it comes to physical To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 employment are being squashed. Page 12 and emotional relationships. Page 13 Birth control shortage shocks, pisses off sororities A recent robbery at the Gilbert Student Health Center has the female population of UGA up in arms. Sorority members are angry with the center because its supply of birth control was plifered on Saturday by MOO.

By Big ‘n Blonde crazy! They just kept humping and I Love Black Pants riding each other like there was no tomorrow! Passers-by to the farm While in a drunken stupor Sat- kept calling in to the office to say urday night, several members of the that it looked like the animals were farming fraternity, Mu Omicron hurting each other, they was going Omicron (MOO), bum rushed the at it so hard and fast. I’d even heard Gilbert Student Health Center, lo- that one cow’s nips just plum fell cated in the Adams South Student off. It was an udder disaster, indeed. (ASS) building. Once they burst That ain’t no bull, what I’m tellin’ through the doors, the fraternity you.” brothers broke through the security “What with all this screwin’ goin’ system in place by killing the don- on, we think that the MOO boys key that was guarding the pharma- wanted to get their hands on as much cy’s supply room. The members then birth control as they could pull out proceeded to fill the pockets of their of the ASS so they could feed it to overalls with every single birth con- them animals and at least prevent trol pill in the place. ‘em from having lots of babies,” Bubba Lou Secks, while in Bubkiss continued. UGAPD custody, said, “Man, that Bubkiss’s suggestion for MOO’s ass was just in my way, so I had to motives makes proving MOO did get rid of it. I ain’t feel no guilt the crime difficult, though, because though, cause I killed plenty of ani- all of the evidence has been ingested mals back on my pappy’s farm. I by the animals. Has the quantity of was da one that always had to cut animal fornication been reduced? dem chickins necks.” An investigator for THWUGA, Dan The motive for this robbery is “the Man” Daniels, went under- still unknown, police chief Ray cover butt was unable to note any Bubkiss said. “But we think that difference. The investigator did re- they stole out of necessity. From port that a cow, a goat and three By Cathie Lou Bane / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS what we’ve heard, the fraternity’s The animals take a short break from doing it to look around blankly and eat the grass. MOO, the farming livestock had started doin’ it like See MOO, page 12 fraternity, stole ASS’s birth control supply to feed to their animals to prevent them from doing it more.

Profile of Uga the Dawg UGACard makes drinking Faces F‘round A theC Dawg E S Pound cheap beer easier for students By Benny Sue Rue bowl of Coors Light (the only drink it. Plus, they only serve the finest to By Yo’ Mamma Adams said “It’s about durn time Head of the COCK Uga is provided with) to lap at, and me,” referring of course to his copi- Contri—butt—ing Writer that those youngin’s are allowed another bowl filled with raw beef, I ous supply of Coors Light. to get their drink on.” When I sat down for my inter- asked Uga about his latest gig, as the Uga said that the best part about After several months of ne- The new equipment neces- view with Uga, the big dawg him- prized mascot of our University. Uga the job is the adoration. “Bark! Peo- gotiation, key administration sary to allow payment with the self, I was slightly more than nervous. barked, “Rwell, I rweally wike it. ple just love me! I rwelly like to officials have agreed to a new card has been installed in several I was sweating more than when I You know, at first I thought I had drwool a lot, so I have my own agreement with Athens area busi- bars already to the system. had to interview the mic man. And made the wrong decision, leaving attendant at the games who mops nesses, which will allow students Adams said, “Thank gracious that let me tell you, that mic man is one Sesame Street as a star to come here me.” Uga also has his own personal to use their UGACards as prop- I gots a big COCK (College of intimidating fella. So it meant a lot to prance around a big green field. trainer who manages his diet and er identification to purchase al- Computing Knowledge) to use to me when I arrived at Uga’s white- But after my first time, my first game, exercise routine. cohol. An even greater advance ‘round here, to install them ma- pillared dog house and he offered when I got to poop on the nice grass Butch Dandy, Uga’s trainer and in campus-business relations is chine things.” me his paw. The interview prom- and bury my face in it afterwards, a Farm Animal Excretion major, being made with this deal, since The popular dive, Gator Bait- ised to be an intimate one. which the producers at the Street said “Taking care of this dog is like a students’ purchases will be able ers, proudly claims that it has As we settled in over a doggie never let me do, I knew I would love dream of mine come true! I just to be paid for with a swipe of already served alcohol to, well, done miss my animals since I left their UGACard. their UGA student bouncer the home farm, and it got to be real Freshman Ima Lou Lush said, couldn’t count, so they aren’t bad to where I just always wanted to “I’m so excited about this new exactly sure how many Natural have me an animal ‘round, so I’d use for my UGACard. Now I Lights they’ve served. Manager bring my hog in to muh classes with don’t have to worry about print- Gunther Smithy said, “We think me, but my professors didn’t not ing out my fake ID on my com- our business won’t really change like that, so then when I done herd puter before I go out to the bars. very much, because we already that they did need a taker-carer of Since our birth dates aren’t on let everyone in who shoves any this grate dog, I jumped at the op- the cards, and I’m wearing my sort of card-shaped piece of pa- portunity to help.” overalls that make me look older per in the bouncer’s face. None Dandy let me in on a little known in the picture, it’ll be a breeze to of our bouncers know how to fact about the school’s favorite dog: get my booze now!” read; we hire only UGA grads, of Uga is not actually named after the Other students were wary course, to support the locals an’ university; instead, it actually comes about the development, though. all. If anything, it’ll make the from the nickname of the first pres- “I’m worried that now I’ll start cashiers’ jobs easier. We try to ident of the University of Georgia, doing worser in mah ‘History of hire only the Short Division Math . Apparently, Bald- Horse Manure’ class since it’ll majors for this, and they already win was fond of cultivating rela- be so easy to just have my par- have enough of a tough job to tions with his animals (and cousins) ents pay for my drinks when I go count out all that change every outdoors, and while he did so, he out, since they pay my UGAC- night, it gets hard, you know, so would loudly scream, “UU- ard bill,” said Bo Joe Blow. it’ll be great that they can now UUGGGGGGGAAAAAAA” in When asked about the reper- just swipe a card and don’t have excitement. The name stuck. cussions of this new move allow- to count nothing.” A typical day in Uga’s life con- ing under-age drinking to Next time you’re in the mood By Betty Birthinhips / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS sists of waking up in his plush dog proliferate to a level higher than for a good cold one, don’t forget Uga, the most recognizable representative of the University of Georgia, the ever before, President Michael to bring your UGACard! is seen here with Butch Dandy, his trainer, and . See Pound, page 12 12 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia GETTIN’ IT ON

Fast food industry offers few, bad jobs MOO from page 11 Pound from page 11 By Jack Daniels place students at non fast food es- happenin’ no more.” ducks tried to woo him while on house, munching on some raw beef, I like hard liquor tablishments,” said Cunningham. Dawkins and his cousin Wilbur assignment. Being the good Geor- and going for a jog around Presi- “A number of the table service res- McGee both plan to graduate in gia student he is, he did not resist. dent Adam’s pool. After his jog, Uga Though the downturn in the taurants expressed interest in our May, pending completion of their After the news had gotten around washes off his sweat in the pool. economy has affected students in all fast food students, but most of them comprehensive final exams that in- campus that the large ASS supply of Uga added, “It’s always the best kinda of the University’s colleges, schools lack the coordination necessary to clude talking in complete sentenc- birth control had been compromised, piss when you can see it swirling and vocational programs, students carry plates and few know the num- es, repeating orders to ensure accuracy sorority presidents gathered their around you.” in the School of Fast Food Service bers good enuff to work as cash- and handing items through win- troops in front of the ASS with large Following his private pool par- and Preparation have been hit par- iers.” dows without spillage. Though both signs saying “Castrate your Cows.” ty, Uga likes to take a nap and lick ticularly hard. Though these employers provide men are near the top of their class, UGA President Michael Adams himself repeatedly. According to Billy Bob Cunning- jobs, they often cannot provide the neither have been placed in top- said in defense of his ASS that “we On game days, his routine changes ham, Director of Career Services, same compensation and benefits as ranked fast food companies. done got a rush order on them anti- slightly. U(sic)GA fast food students are still the larger chains. “It’s hard man,” said McGee in birthin’ pills, but these sort of things To prepare for these days, Uga marketable in the industry, but they “Man, if you get done hooked near tears. can’t just fly, you know. For the said, “I get a wax and a blow out in no longer command the placements up at the Chik-fil-A, that’s the best,” “All I wanted to do was work at mean time, we’re advisin’ our young preparation for my big showing. I or starting salaries they did just a said Gomer Dawkins, a sixth-year the Varsity. And now, who knows. men and women to think about make sure to tuck my boys up in so few years ago. fast food student specializing in drive Listen to this man, ‘whattayahave? laying off on the ‘milkin’ the cow’ if they don’t swing around while I’m “In 1999 and 2000, all our stu- thru reception. whattayahave!’ I’d be perfect.” ya know what I mean.” on the field.” dents was getting’ hired by the big “Six-day work weeks. All them McGee and Dawkins are opti- ASS officials have ordered the As for his bitch situation, Uga one, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco fancy sauces. Clean booths. Work- mistic, though. “We think once we pills, but until they come in, they said “I’ve got that covered. You know Bell and—the grandaddy of them ing sinks. The perty pink soap. Not start bombin’ Saddam, everythin’ are stocking extra condoms in their them bitches can’t keep their paws all—Chik-fil-A. Now we have to to mention they would start you will be all right. Just like that song, ASS and other campus locations. off this dog!” take what we can get,” said Cun- out at double digits—sometimes even ‘Bombs Over Baghdad.’ Them dudes As our interview drew to a close, ningham. $11 an hour straight out of U(sic)GA. who sing that song is always hap- For more info on sex, and how to do it, Uga made sure to throw in there, “We’re also lookin’ to try and It was amazing. But now that ain’t py,” said Dawkins. check www.uhs.uga.edu/sexwom-vagi “Go Dawgs!” GETTIN’ IT ON To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 13 Campus Research Review Dating shifts, siblings favored over animals

By Missin’ Michigan Fake IDs revolution Damn we lost hardcore By Red Long believable. The card has a hypno- Like jeans, cars and food, dating I like beer. tizing effect on anyone who sees it. also goes through different trends They’re automatically fooled into and styles. And while jeans are be- Everybody uses fake IDs in Ath- thinking you look exactly like the coming less baggy on men and low- ens, every day, everywhere since the ID says. cut on women, the dating scene in age of 12. But did you ever stop to For example, Betty Sue Meredith Athens is also undergoing a major think about how your key to all the Margaret Mary Moxley’s card would shift. alcohol, clubs, guns and drugs is show her weight to be at least a 20- According to a recent Gallop poll, made? 30 pound increase due to the alco- 54 percent of UGA students would We’ll start with some of the ba- hol consumption that would have now date a nuclear family member sics and leave the rest of the details taken place by her 3rd year, and or cousin instead of a farm animal. to professional engineers and scien- she’ll be sadly wearing a top that she This is in stark contrast to 1993, By Butts Argood STUDENT PUBLICATIONS tists. lost the body for her freshman year. when only 38 percent chose a fami- This man enjoys his relationship with his golden retriever, despite the fact Remember the thing called a com- But hey, she’ll be 21 and who really ly member over a farm animal. that a new trend in Athens dating shows that students are choosing to date puter? You know, those cute iMacs cares as long as the girl still looks “It’s about communication,” said their siblings and cousins more often than their farm animals and pets. that light up when you flip a switch? like a good ole’ Georgia Peach. sophomore agricultural engineering Yes, it is the one that lets you color Drinkin estimates that with his major Butch Kennedy. “In today’s a passionate and vocal minority that of the earth’s species.” coordinate with your Greek colors. invention, the number of underage fast-paced world, I need to be able is trying to reach out and explain While on the surface it seems A University of Georgia com- Georgia students that get into bars to talk to my partner on the same the positives of an animal relation- obvious that communication would puter science professor has devel- and clubs will triple by the end of level.” ship. improve among family members, oped a new program on just such a the school year. “This truly is the While many on the Athens cam- ‘We are also here for counsel- many in brother-sister relationships computer to revolutionize the mak- greatest invention to hit the Athens pus share Kennedy’s feelings on “The ing,” said Garth as she gently stroked say that communication may be solid ing of fake IDs. Social Scene,” said Drinkin. decision,” a growing number of un- her American Quarter Horse. “We on a basic level, but the amount of Professor Ibin Drinkin started For his efforts, the University dergrads feel that the underlying know many things can be difficult, fights and conflicts are much more working on the project after he found has awarded Drinkin with his own reason for the shift goes much deep- including communication—and if frequent and violent than an ani- himself lamenting the fact that the cow and rooster, something to milk er. you can believe it—sexual inter- mal-human relationship. “hotties” in his Microsoft Word for and another thing to wake him up “To me, it is a shift in moral course.” “Now we just don’t fight over Intoxicated Co-Eds 101 lecture could in the morning. Drinkin will also values. It is a loss of understand- Administrators on the Athens who has to clean out the outhouse, not get into his favorite nightclubs receive a share of the profits from ing,” says Jenny Garth. “When I’m campus aren’t sure whether the re- we fight about our inner-most feel- due to the fact that they weren’t the patent. out with Old Bob[her horse and sults of the poll are a positive for the ings and deepest thoughts,” explained legal yet. Drinkin decided to do The IDs go on sale in the book- partner of 2 years] our feelings go university. A source within the ad- Johnny “Toothless” Grizzard. “Just something about it and the devel- store on Nov. 22, just in time to get much deeper. Communication is ministration barn said the general yesterday I had to convince Bertha oped the Idiot-proof Debauchery- some booze to console yourself when more than simply talking or farting feeling around the loft has not been [his lover of five months and sister guaranteed Incredibly Outrageously Georgia loses in the UGA-Tech in a semi-rhythmic pattern.” warm. for 12 years] not to shave her legs. It Time (IDIOT) program. game, or if Terrence Edwards miss- Garth, president of Animals Over “Many of our administration staff was a roller-coaster emotional bat- IDIOT works on the basis of es another one of those catches or if Family Members, a Georgia-based are currently in animal dating rela- tle.” tailoring your current identification David Greene just sucks ass; you animal-dating activist group, has tionships,” said Dean of Students Just how deep do the passions card into a future version of your- know any of those things that could actually seen membership rise dur- Billy Joe Thorton. “We have always for animals lie in Athens? self so bouncers find the ID card possibly happen. ing the dating shift. She credits it to actively supported the interaction As deep as a bull’s ass is wide. To H wi Geor Hell i th rgia! 16 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia GETTIN’ IT ON UGA Up Close email: [email protected] Winner of the Tech Up Close contest receives a Technique T-shirt and a coupon for a free student combo at Li’l Dino’s. Last week’s Tech Up Close: Part of an iMac Last week’s winner: David Redwine

By Scott Meuleners / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS

U(sic)GA ADVERTISING CLASSY-FIEDS seeking recent UGA graduated for high Bait information, call 706-555-BEER. SWM needs a faithful life partner for profile jobs in floor sweepin, fry grease goodtime and companionship. Moo. YERVICES Big ole’ worms, little fished, and assorted Hiring Animal Impersonators cleanin, and drive thru answerin. Applu Come find me and you really won’t be rodents. Good fer fish catchin’ and Can’t read? Can you moo? How are your barking in person. Bring yer diploma. sorry. I’ll be down round the sorroitty feedin’ the youngns too. Carl’s Feed N’ Illerate? I used to not could spell i-lit-er- skills these days? Well if you like to howl houses. ite, but now i are one. Write to: 14 I’m A Fu, down by the river. at the moon on a regular basis or nay My dawg smells Buck’s got ear mites and some missin Big Stupid Head Rd., Atlanta, GA 30332 Doublewides like a horse just for fun, this could be the SWF seek meaningful for free help. job of your dreams. Animal impersonators fur. I don’t want to shot him. Sorry. relationship wih barnyard livestock. Yep. Garanteed not to blow away in the are needed to make noises for various Only livestock can truly satisfy the deep storm. Won’t tip over. Reel nice wood Lookin’ for a fella Regents test problems? purposes. Payment depends upon skill aches inside of me. Don’t find me, I’ll inside. Reasonbull prices. Come see We can help with yer figurin and writin level of impersonator. Also helps if you I’m a sexy viberunt young lady lookin’ find you. our big selection on the highway. problums. We know how hard it is. We resemble animal that you are mimicking. for a fella to take me out for some had trouble passing it without studying. I wanna sells my wife If interested, call 706-555-4321. fancy dancin’ and eatin’ and huntin’. I Familty members Or not. 555-DUMB. got me my own gun and I got me some I think I’ve been looking fer love in al the She’s real purty purty and gots most of money so you won’t have to bring wrond plaes. ow I’m only askin’ for her teeth. Little dudes don’t come askin. Trailer tipped over? HELP WAN’ED much. Please don’t be missing more family members. Must be a first cousin Only $5 and hour cause we need the We’ve got a few big ole guys that’ll out than five teeth. Must enjoy wearing or closer. Callin all CcCrotchens. your house up right. Billy’s pretty big. dough. She’ll make you supper too. Studyin’ shirts and shoes most of the time and Down on the corner. I can’t seem to figure out what a buk is. not eat raccoon meat more than twice MWM They tell me I need um for class, but i can a week. Married former look fer new wife cause EVENTS find the bukstor. Huh? NOW HIRING i’m tired of the old one. Mist be able to Cabbage n’ Tater festival Cleanin’ milk cows reel quick. Yous also needs Beer Drinker Needed PERSONALS to clean me cuase I’m purty fat. I live out Hastings, Fl. My woman ran off wih anuther guy. I’m Can you drink beer? I am conducting by the dump. You’ll like it out there. I just tired of her anyways. She took too long SWM an experiment, and I need an got me a outhouse. Mud boggin tickets to get me a beer. Damnit woman, get Honest, will take anything. Really. experienced beer drinker to come to Friday! Friday! Friday! Trucks! Trucks! me a beer! I said, but she didn’t listen. Anything. I’m not picky. Please please my lab every day and try different Purty Dawgs Trucks! I’ll be hangin out with my nbooys down call me. I don’t smell anymore. 555- kinds of beer for several weeks. This is Need two or three new dawgs for my at the Feed N’ Fun. Lone a very serious scientific experiment. pen. Hunting skills a must. Females FOR SAYL You will be paid in beer. For more Local restaraunt Are you done with your cow? only. There’s not eough filth in the pen yet. SHINYpage OBJECTS 17 To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 17 The Mind of Wilkins Beer, beer, beer! Our own Jed Clampet sat down with Don’t know what beer to drink this SHINY OBJECTS Damien Wilkins to see what he thinks weekend? Read Captain Morgan’s about life. Page 28 review of your beer choices. Page 19 To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 It’s time to shoot some stuff! Now tell me where to go! By Red Wilson inside. But it sure looked pretty from shoot at their golf ball-shaped clay Shooting expert the parking lot. pigeons from outside the range. Rating: 2 out of 5 Rating: No thumbs up So one day this dude working for the THWUGA paper tells me I Ricky Lee’s Field Downtown Mall should write up an article about shoot- So after me and Hoss tried to So me and Hoss ventured our- ing stuff, since he knows it just bribe our way into that Ansley range selves over to the downtown mall to wouldn’t be a normal weekend with- with what cash we had, but didn’t blow away a squirrel or two. We got out me being thrown in jail for put- get nowhere, we figured we also on opposite sides of the street there, ting some holes in road signs. And wouldn’t get into any of those other and I suppose by this time in the in my seven years here at this school fancy ranges around Athens neither. day we were boozed up and trigger- (hell, I really think I should be get- Hoss decided we should go visit his happy. Fortunately the Athens Me- ting my diploma in Undecided any pal Ricky Lee Walters and shoot morial Hospital was nearby, ‘cause day now) I’ve seen me enough gun some cans around in his cornfield. Hoss is a big bleeder. ranges to know what I’m talking Ricky Lee’s old field is a little too Rating: That sucked about. big to fit in our Athens metropolis, One Tuesday afternoon me and so the two of us have to ride way out Athens Memorial Hospital – Gun- my hunting partner Hoss finish so- there. It really sucked when Ricky shot Victims Wing bering up in our agriculture class, Lee wasn’t home, but we got some So they wouldn’t let me and ol’ and the two of us decide we’re gon- good practice on his yard dog be- Hoss take our shotguns into the na go check out some fancy gun fore it ran off. Rating: 1 thumb up hospital, but they didn’t find my ranges. As soon as Hoss is done giv- out of 3 stars six-shooter on me. In fact, I took ing the lecture, we head out back to some practice shots from the win- the barn behind the building and Shoulder of Highway 78 dow of Hoss’ room, but before long load up my daddy’s pickup. Hoss So after our pickup ran out of a bunch of men were yelling and gets to drive since the police recent- gas on the way back to Athens, me pointing at me from outside. I went ly “ree-vogued” my license, or what- and Hoss conducted some high-speed down to see what was going on, and ever fancy fuzz jargon those cops are target practice. Just like we heard I found out the guys pointing were using these days. Here’s the low- on the news, those Ford SUV tires some doctors who had actually been down on our day of visitin’ gun explode real good. shouting for me to come down and ranges. Rating: 3 out of 4 join ‘em for some target practice in the hospital’s very own firing range. Ansley Rifle & Archery Range Athens Driving Range I was really inspired since I could So Hoss and me decide we’re So Hoss and me walked back join some actual graduates from going to do our first shooting of the into Athens and found ourselves a U(sic)GA in shooting stuff off of day at the Ansley gun range. This new range. At the time we thought moving gurneys. And now they tell place offers well-managed ranges and this place was a dream come true, me that the Athens rehab center has a wide assortment of targets to choose ‘cause when you combine truck driv- its own gun range as well, so Hoss By Hunter John / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS from, all for only $10 per day. But ing and shooting, you’ve got a win- and me have something to look for- Shooting guns is a common way to pass the time here in Athens. Above, me and Hoss only had $1.75 be- ner. Somehow our NRA cards didn’t ward to! some students, dressed to kill, check out the guns at the local gun store. tween us, so we didn’t get to go qualify us as members, so we had to Rating: Eleven 8 Mile a great representation of the dreams of trailer trash By Trailer Joe himself and overcome his internal Living in a van down by the river and external problems to find rap stardom. One problem is Smith’s That movie 8 Mile is one of the mama. His mama is always cryin’ best in recent memory. That there and bitchin’ and drinkin’. I’m all in rapper Eminem plays a character favor of those things, but Smith’s that all students of the University mama was a little bit on the crazy can relate to—a young man from a end. Then again, she also kinda re- white trash background looking to minded me of my mama—God rest make good. I know that I want to be her sole. Back to the movie. just like him when I finally get out Smith lives in a trailer with his of this school. mama and his sister—another as- Luckily, Eminem’s character Jim- pect of the film that we can all relate my Smith comes out on top in the to here in Athens. Though I found end—a dream that all students here it a little silly that there was no dogs hope will come true after four to in the trailer. Everybody knows that seven years of riding up and down no trailer is complete without two Milledge with a case of Bud and a or three dogs perched in and around gun rack. Lord knows I hope it’ll be it. Nothin’ says “welcome home” the case for me. Mama needs a new like a dirty ole mutt stickin’ its nose four-wheeler. in your nut sack. At least not in my Anyway, enough dreamin’. Back book. to my review of 8 Mile, the greatest I also thought it was a little bit white trash-makes-good film since unbelievable that Jimmy and his fam- American History X. Like that film, ily were the only ones who lived in 8 Mile features lots of black folks, that trailer. We all knows that no- which may surprise some U(sic)GA body would waste an entire double- students. wide on just three folks. They’d rent Here in Athens, we all know it’s out the other half. Or they’d have By My Mama / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS rare to find non-white people any- more kiddies. 8 Mile should make us white trailer trash proud. Eminem makes us realize that we can overcome the man and where but between the hedges. In Aside from the black folks and become rich and famous as rappers, even if we live in a trailer with our mama, six siblings, and eight cousins. Detroit, where Smith lives and the the trailers, one of the coolest parts film takes place, the situation is ex- of this movie was the porn. That’s Anyway, though most of us here believe, huh? I may have to try that movie. It’s got trailers and sex. And actly the opposite. Jimmy is the lone right, the porn. Jimmy and his girl in the Classic City stumble about sometime. Anyone wanna join me Kim Basinger doing a guy her son’s white boy from the wrong side of Alex get down and dirty in his facto- public sex daily—whether it’s in the in a trip to the local stamping com- age. the tracks. ry in what was one of my favorite agriculture field or behind the Zeta pany? If the Oscars turn down this movie Smith, whose nickname is “The scenes in the movie. Though I sure house—this sex was different. It was Well, I think I’ve said enuff ‘bout for another one of those sissy liberal Rabbit,” even though I never got a wish I coulda seen a little more T wild and simulating. And the strang- this here film. If you are still reading artsy films, I will personally bring look at one-a-them furry critters and A. (Don’t worry, I went home est part was that there was not a this, what’s your problem? Is your my shotgun down to Hollywood throughout the entire movie, strug- and got the binoculars to check out single farm animal or family mem- tractor broke? Get your ass down to and stick it to ‘em like Hershel would. gles throughout the film to focus the trailer next store). ber involved in the act. Hard to the theater and check out this great Go dawgs! SHINY OBJECTS To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 19

Crossword One for the smarties out there

What beer to drink on game day 123

456

7 8

910

11 12

13 14

15

16 17

18 19

20 21

22 23

24 25 26

27 28 The number after 28

By Country Bumpkin 16. Long-time literary question (2 This one’s hard wds) By Al Coholic / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS 17. What I say when you don’t re- Beer is the most common liquid consumed by students here at U(sic)GA. Above are some of the top choices of 1. Sounds like a sound effect quiz (2 veal 16 ACROSS (2 wds) students here. Choosing what beer to drink before the game Saturday is an important decision, so choose wisely. wds) 18. With 19, a truth about our stu- 2. Mannequins (a big word for “dum- dent body (4 wds) By Captain Morgan is an exception. Them pretty boys folks. Very little can top MGD in a mies”) 19. See 18 ACROSS (3 wds) AAARRRRRR from Atlanta like Bud too. They can for pure game day refreshment. 3. Privates say, “Generals ______.” 20. With 21, 22, and 23, my ques- sing a song about it. I’d recommend My friend Danny says there’s no (2 wds) tion to anybody who knows (2 Well folks it’s that time a year choosing another beverage for this question—it’s MGD or nuthin’. The 4. Those people do not allow us wds) again. The time when them dorks weekend’s game. No, Bud Light is Piggly Wiggly has a suitcase special 5. With “Kings,” a Go Fish phrase 21. See 20 ACROSS (it has a minus from the trade school in Atlanta try not an acceptable alternative. just for the Tech game, so hop on (2 wds) sign in the middle) to come up here to Athens to beat Natural Light: Good ole Natty the tractor and get down there to 6. Knives, icepicks, or pointy things 22. See 20 ACROSS (bold, size 11 our beloved Dawgs. We all know in a can. God have you been good to get some. (2 wds, one is abbr.) font on my computer) that the Dawgs are gonna stomp me. Except for two weeks ago when PBR: Though this beer comes in 7. With 8, My excuse for not being 23. See 20 ACROSS (4…no, 5 wds) them bees on Saturday, but the ques- I woke up somewhere outside Tate quite possibly the coolest can—it’s in class lately (5 wds) 24. With 25 and 26, something to tion remains—will you remember with my arm around my third cous- tall, white and has a cool ribbon 8. See 7 ACROSS (3 wds, one is a say after 20, 21, 22, and 23 (3 it? in. Not that it was probably that lookin’ thingy around it—the taste number) wds) I hope the answer is no, and I bad. Anyway, we’ve had some great just doesn’t live up to the container. 9. With 10, the completion to “Writ- 25. See 24 ACROSS (2 wds) hope to help you drink yourself into memories—or non-memories. It tastes about as good as your cow’s ing in ______” 26. See 24 ACROSS (2 wds, but if the total oblivion required of each There’s something to be said for the mouth—unless of course you force- 10. See 9 ACROSS (2 wds) you get something different than and every member of the Bulldog smooth taste of Natty. Some people feed your cow Listerine. Not that I 11. Famous picture of a pretty lady I did, I may have made a mis- Nation. Here’s my breakdown of say it’s cheap shite that tastes like know personally. Anyway, yeah...let (3 wds) take) the beer choices for tailgaitin’ on the inside of an aluminum can. I the old boys drink the PBR. 12. Is overly like TV’s The Nanny 27. With 28 and The number after Saturday mornin’. call those people stupid. And after a Old Milwaukee. Don’t even drink 13. Cow, duck, pig, horse, or some- 28, a pun that somebody read to few Natty Lights, I like to throw the about touchin’ this Yankee beer on thing else (2 wds) me from somewhere. (3 wds) Bud: Though normally I would can at them. game day. For goodness sake, this is 14. Sound that 13 ACROSS makes 28. See 27 ACROSS (3 wds) support the king for its smooth taste MGD: They don’t call it the the Bulldog Nation. Raise that rebel 15. I couldn’t think of a clue for this The number after 28. See 27 and affordable price, this weekend champagne of beers for nothing, flag and drink to Hershel! one (8 wds) ACROSS (2 wds) LOOK HERE FOR THE PUZZLE ANSWERS!!!

this week we got a crossword more appropriate for you dawg fans. heck, we even put the answers on the same page, so they’re right easy to find. you can even cheat—we know that’s the only way you’ll be able to finish the durn thing, and even that might be stretchin’ your u(sic)ga brain power. try hard, dawgs. maybe with some practice, you could make it all the way to georgia tech!

CRASH TEST DUMMIES OUTRANK US DON'T LET US HAVE ANY SHARP OBJ.s I'VE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR 12 DAYS CAPITALS ARE FUN

THE MONA LISA SOUNDS TOO WHINY BARN ANIMAL (answers may vary) I COULDN'T THINK OF ANY WORDS THIS LONG WHERE'S WALDO ANSWER ME! WE STILL PLAY WITH MY LITTLE PONY WAS THIS X-WORD SUPPOSED TO HAVE ANY DOWN CLUES MAYBE I CAN CHECK IN THE TEC-NEK A TOW CABLE IS JUST A PICK-UP LINE 20 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia SHINY OBJECTS ...101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101...... Little Bits

There are certain truths that I’ve he calls addition. I’m a bit afeared have a reputation for only drinkin’ right, but them sure cain’t. Did The and I decided that my five favorite come to know since I’ve been at cuz if the 3000 math classes are that Bud, and that has to change. We’ve Old Man and the Sea rhyme? No sir, things, from least to most, are air, U(sic)GA. Here they are. hard, I don’t know how I’m gonna got the rest of our lives to get beer but The Cat and the Hat brings a guns, Chevy trucks, beer and SEC 1) You can get at least 1,000 survive a senior math class. bellies. Until then, we gotta keep tear to my eye every time I read it. football. For a while, I thought I sorority girls to come to your place ourselves in plumb good shape for liked air more than football, but if you tell them you have a keg. At things like cow tippin’, vandalizing nah…I’d die without SEC football. least I think it was around a thou- stuff, and shootin’ Pa’s twelve-gauge. How bout them Dawgs?!? I love sand. U(sic)GA is not known for Always have a supply (That’s a lot of gauges.) I thought for a while, U(sic)GA football. At games, I get cranking out people with complex of Bud Light on 4) With a lot of perseverance, and I decided that my on the ground and bark like a dawg math skills like counting past twen- lots of tutoring, a large donation to just to show my love fer my school. ty, so I plumb had to guess. After I hand...Us U(sic)GA U(sic)GA from one of Pa’s lawyer five favorite things, Before I came to Georgia, the only take off my gloves and shoes, the guys have a buds, and never getting wasted on from least to most, are time I got on the ground and barked rest of the numbers are a bit sketchy. Sunday or Monday, you can get a like a dawg was when me and my Not that it really matters. The aver- reputation for only degree in Porcine Husbandry in nine air, guns, Chevy cuzin was feelin frisky. Now, I can age person here can’t count past drinkin’ Bud, and that years. After eight here, I’m almost trucks, beer and SEC get on the ground and bark for an twenty either, so bring on the soror- done. I just wish that people at high entire season of great SEC football. ity girls. has to change. falutin’ schools like Devry would football. Them ACC schools like Tech think 2) Two plus two really does equal lay off the pig-f—er jokes. People in we’s c razy for barkin’ like dogs, but four. We discussed this one at length my industry do important things their just jealous, cuz ya cain’t bark for most of a semester in MATH 3) Always have a supply of Bud like helping pigs f—. Not to give away the whole plot, like a bee. Their bee cain’t bark at 3384. Most of the class was a might Light on hand. Guys here get a bad 5) Dr. Seuss is the most pro- but there’s a cat, and he wears a hat. all. confused, but the good doctor done reputation for not lookin’ after their found literary mind of modern times. Profound, I reckon. Until I can scrape up enough explained it good, and even proved health, and I want the class of 2011 I reckon that some people think 6) SEC football is the greatest words to write again, this is Bubba, it using a right powerful technique to change that. Us U(sic)GA guys that Hemingway and Steinbeck could thing ever. I thought for a while, and I ain’t afraid of getting stung. SHINY OBJECTS To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 21 Concerttime Four boys start a kickin’ banjo band By Ralph Tromboner The Concert Guy Pete’s Roadhouse - Serving the cheapest beers since 1971 Tuesday - The guys with masks Wednesday - Super dog Thursday - Gonhorrea Friday - Pete and his wife Saturday - The kids from down the street Sunday - The Backwoods Boys Monday - Fig Tree The Shack - Serving the strongest hunch punch since 1986 Tuesday - My mom Wednesday - Purple Thursday - Big Turkey Friday - I’m from Athens Saturday - Some crappy band from Atlanta Sunday - The Christian Rapper Monday - Sleepy dog La Fiesta - The only Mexican joint in town Mardes - Maracca shaking band Miercoles - Flamenco Sue Jueves - Yodeling Jose Viernes - Gospel Youth Sabado - Traveling muchachos Domingo - Me By Auntie Em / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS Lunes - Mi amigo Juan Some of my boyfriends with their instruments. Aren’t they just adorable? They’re just about to practice for their on Thursday. That’s Billy Bob’s mom’s house, where they practice. Oh, and she’s my aunt too. Le Bistro - Why is there a French restaurant here? Mardi - Francois the Frenchman By Easy Girl wasn’t. He just asked the guy to join music, but they’re damn good. I’d Mercredi - No one I’ll go out with anyone his band as the drummer (pot banger). buy their CD if they had one. Jeudi - Chicken Little I think he thought we were just They practice on the porch of Vendredi - Juliette the Fabulous Last month one of my boyfriends, wrestling. Billy Bob’s mom’s house, where he Samedi - Jacques Cousteau Billy Bob, decided to start a band. I My two boyfriends went around lives. He’s the only one with an Dimanche - Hunchback don’t know why, he’s really purty Athens to find a harmonica player actual house, so that’s why they haf- Lundi - Rapper Pierre stoopid. But he did, and I told him and a jug blower. I figured, Hey, if ta practice there. I’d write a little sumthin’ about him two of my boyfriends are in the They’re gonna play this Thurs- The Hangout - Where you go when you’re really drunk in this here paper. band, why don’t the other two join? day at Pete’s Roadhouse. The name Tuesday - V.D. Anywho, he found this banjo on So I introduced Billy Bob and Jeb of the band is Gonhorrea, so be sure Wednesday - My girl Sally Ann the side of 316 and stopped to pick to Curtis and George. The four be- to shout it loud. Thursday - Cockfighters it up. At first he thought it was a came the best of friends immediate- I know Thursday is Thanksgiv- Friday - The Dawg Pound deformed baseball bat, but then he ly. And I was happy, because I’d be ing and all, but when boys get a Saturday - Drinker’s Club touched the strings. From that mo- the only groupie since they were all dream, they stick to it. So skip the Sunday - Too drunk to stand ment on, he knew he wanted to be a my boyfriends. turkey and go out and support ‘em. musician. They had their first show only They’d go see you if you were in a That’s all the shows for this week. Let me know if you liked So when he got back to Athens, two weeks after meeting, and let me band. I promise. ‘em. If not, then you can go to hell. Or you can start a band. he came to my place to tell me his tell you, they kicked some ass. The So go see my boys. They’re great, Just stop bitchin’ you punks.This is my job, not yours, so you new dream. I was hookin’ up with rhythm of the banjo and the jug and not just on stage. Boy, I’m gon- can’t tell me how to do it. And trust me, it’s harder than it one of my other boyfriends, Jeb, make me swing from side to side. I na get luck y from all this free pub- looks. Signing off, Ralph and I thought he’d be mad. But he don’t know all that much about licity I just gave ‘em.

Did you hear that the U(sic)GA library burned down recently? It was a tragedy. Both books were lost, and one hadn’t even been colored in yet! Why is there no ice on the U(sic)GA campus? -The guy with the recipe graduated. If you throw a rock and a U(sic)GA student off a cliff, which lands first? -Who cares? What do you call a U(sic)GA grad in a suit and tie? -The defendant. 28 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia TheBALLIN’ last page Wrasslin News Dem Gators Did you see how Bubba got a black Dem Gators gone ‘n ruined ar season BALLIN’ eye? Find out who done it and why ‘gain. Damn dem Gators. I will kill they decided he needed a smack Sprriieerr. Even doh he in da NFL. To Hell with Georgia• Tuesday, November 26, 2002 down. Page 27 Page 26 by Southern Brawl to be held in Atlanta the Agriculture project mistake leads to U(sic)GA numbers - Tech game moving to Bobby Dodd, Sanford Stadium undergoes fertilizer treatments. 750 Cookie Dough move through his digestive system,” Average SAT score for this year’s Just a lil’ nibble... said Jethro Birchfield, the head re- incoming freshman football signees. search scientist for the Agricultural This is a full 10 points higher than In an embarrassing news confer- Department. “We have directed a last year’s class. Good job, boys. ence yesterday, Michael Adams, Pres- really big amount of cash towards Sic’em. ident of the University (sic) of this here project, money that would Georgia, announced that Sanford have normally gone to our tractor- Stadium would not be available for repair and sport ammunition fund.” 217,182 this year’s Georgia-Georgia Tech “We might be able to attack him game due to a planting mistake by a from the inside...I mean, literally,” Number of times, on average, a typ- senior agricultural project team. Birchfield added. “His insides are ical U(sic)GA game-day crowd will Five men and three women, all going to really hurt after we get done bark, growl or drool on themselves Agriculture majors at U(sic)GA, with him. That stuff just has to tear while watchin our boys whoop it up planted their final project of exper- you up, man. You know it’s gotta on the gridiron. Go Dawgs! imental sweet corn one night earlier burn coming out.” in the semester, and now the knee- The project team apologized for high shoots are too great a safety their mistake, but justified their ex- liability for football play. The corn periment as an exercise in patrio- 314,159,262 is considered extremely dangerous, tism. as part of a U(sic)GA research plan “We love America. Yes, we do. Average number of beers consumed in radioactive vegetables to aid in We love America, how ‘bout you?” on game day by U(sic)GA fans. This the capture of Osama bin Laden. said Suzy Stinchcomb, senior project number includes faculty members, “We figure that Osama loves corn leader and current varsity Dawg Greek students and independent just as much as we do, so now the cheerleader. students, as well as the drunk alum- CIA can track the radioactive ker- The project team plans to let the By Corns Onmytoes / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS ni—that means graduates—who will nels all the way to Osama’s secret An agriculture project gone wrong recently took over Sanford Stadium. never make it out of Athens. camp, and follow his trail after they See Corn Dawgs, page 26 Bobby Dodd Stadium will host the game while Sanford is re-sodded. Q&A with Damien Wilkins: Continuing the legacy Uga VI family THWUGA’s own Jed Clampet sits down for a chat with NC State transfer Damien line is finished Frank W. (Sonny) Sieler, the Wilkins to discuss his game, school, teammates, and.... his vocabulary? (Or lack thereof) owner of the bulldog breed line of Jed Clampet nice to see student-athletes work- Ugas, announced today that the fam- Ahead of the Game ing hard in and out of the classroom ily line has become sterile. The ster- and the basketball arena. ilization is a result of intensive THWUGA: Damien, thanks for tak- DW: Yeah (chuckles nervously). interbreeding within the family line ing the time to sit down with us and THWUGA: And how are you en- that resulted in lowered fertility and answer a few questions. joying class? diminished intelligence. Damien Wilkins: True. DW: Huh? This announcement marks the THWUGA: Outstanding. So how THWUGA: Class—how’s class go- end of an era in college sports. Per- does it feel to be back on the court as ing? haps the most famous Uga was Uga a Bulldog? DW: Oh, it’s aight. V who made appearances in the DW: A lot like it was at State. Only THWUGA: I see you are a speech movie “Midnight in the Garden of thing is I play for Georgia now. communications major—glad to see Good and Evil.” He also graced the Who let the Dawgs out, baby?! (raises it’s paying dividends. cover of Sports Illustrated as “Ugli- the roof) DW: Word. est Dog Alive.” No comment was THWUGA: Fantastic. So what’s it THWUGA: So what are your team made from Georgia officials as to like to follow in your uncle’s (Do- and personal goals for this season? whether a new line of dog would be minique Wilkins) footsteps and suit DW: Well, I see myself averaging established. up for UGA? about 30 points and, God-willing, DW: Awww, snap! Uncle ‘Nique I’ll carry this team all the way to a balled here?! National Championship. Chapel bell is THWUGA: Uhh, yeah. THWUGA: Well, Damien, you do DW: Awww man! (claps and smiles) have a strong returning cast this sea- cracked, cannot What’ll I tell dad about this [stuff]! son: Jarvis Hayes, Ezra Williams, THWUGA: Now, Damien. There Rashad Wright. You may not have be repaired was a lot of pressure on you at N.C. to shoulder the scoring burden as The infamous chapel bell that is State. Why do you feel you strug- much as you think. rung after a Georgia victory was gled so mightily there? DW: Can I speak connotatively for broken and left unrepairable last DW: Well, see, I’m a one-man show. a minute? week after a group of University of And at State they was tryin’ to get THWUGA: You mean, candidly? Florida students repeatedly hit it me to do [stuff], crazy [stuff] like DW: Yeah, candilly. with a sledge hammer. The Florida pass the ball and [stuff]. [Messed] THWUGA: By all means. students had apparently road tripped up [stuff]. That just took me off my DW: Them guys you just mentioned- to Athens after the Dawgs loss in game. (Pause) Sorry, dog, I get a they all chumps. I wax all them Jacksonville. little angry just talkin’ about it. fools in 1-on-1 every [expletive] day. U(sic)GA’s bell-ringing tradition THWUGA: I see. How has the THWUGA: I see. began the 1890s when the football transition to UGA been? DW: As a matter of fact, this place field was located only yards from DW: Smooth, yo. gonna be renamed “Damien Wilkins the chapel. Students rang the bell in THWUGA: Care to elaborate? University in Augusta” when I’m celebration after a big Georgia win DW: Silky smooth. finished. and, recently, anytime the Dawgs THWUGA: Mmm-hmm. THWUGA: We’re in Athens, do anything halfway decent.T h e DW: Plus, I get paid here and they Damien. bell is usually a five minute walk wasn’t givin’ me my money at State. DW: I know that, fool! That’s what from the stadium. As it takes ine- THWUGA: I beg your pardon? I said. briated U(sic)GA fans longer to walk By Aussie Redneck / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS DW: I mean (clears throat)…I got THWUGA: Magnificent. Well, to the location, the opposing team’s Damien Wilkins, son of Hawks and U(sic)GA legend Dominique Wilkins, a campus job. fans often get there quicker, caus- is seen here with N.C. State challenging former Jacket Shawn Fein. THWUGA: Uh-huh. It’s always See Wilkins, page 26 ing uproar and immense confusion. BALLIN’ To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 27

Wilkins from page 28 Wrasslin’ Notebook

Damien, we have no doubt that you DW: Let’s talk about my game. Lesnar goes nuts, Spike and Bubba win will succeed here at UGA, but the THWUGA: Alright. What do you numbers don’t lie: less than 35 per- feel are your strengths? cent shooting from the floor in ACC DW: Well, if I’m isolated in the competition in two years at N.C. half-court, one-on-one with some State. Those are dreadful shooting scrub, he’s at my mercy. I’ll take numbers. him inside. I’ll take him outside. If DW: Yeah, but what are numbers, I get 35-40 shots a game I can’t see anyways? I mean, numbers do not us losing. define Damien Wilkins. Damien THWUGA: You don’t think that Wilkins defines numbers. will cause some turmoil with your THWUGA: What in God’s holy teammates? Hayes and Williams name does that mean? are going to want their shots, too. DW: Think about it, bro. Think DW: Remember my connotative long and hard about what I said. chump comments earlier? [Shoot], what I just said was prath- THWUGA: Ahh, yes. How could etic. I forget? THWUGA: DW: Damien You mean, pro- Wilkins is the phetic? offense, the de- DW: Why you “Gettin’ paid heremakes fense, the tran- hasslin’ me sition game. about my dic- my experiences...that It’s Damien tatiousness, much more worthwhile.” Wilkins vs. the dog? My vo- enemy. I’m cabulary is end- Damien Wikins just tellin’ it less, like my U(sic)GA baller like it is. abilitation on THWUGA: the basketball Marvelous. court. Holla! Lastly, Damien, to whom do you THWUGA: Very well. How’s your feel you owe your success? relationship with Coach Harrick? DW: Well, I guess I’d like to thank By Igot Bigguns / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS DW: You questionin’ my manhood, myself. Recently arm wrasslin’ has been going on all over the campus. At any time during the day, students will be doin’ Holmes? THWUGA: Oh, brother. it all over Tate. It is easier to do in public than actual wrasslin’, and you can do it if yur TV done broke. THWUGA: What??? DW: See, I’ve overcome so much DW: What you tryin’ to say? diversity… By Joe Lee Deere lafft as he won aganst Eddie Guer- with aganst Three Minute THWUGA: I’m not trying to say THWUGA: (Mutters with face in Loves wraslin’, loves his momma... rero. Benoit had alredy beetin Cha- Warning. anything! I was asking you how you hands) Adversity…you’re killing me. Spike and Bubba Ray went on to and Coach Harrick get along. DW: …I really couldn’t have ac- just lost it last week win the match by slamming Rico DW: Oh. Well, like I was sayin’ complished all that I have without on SmackDown! and started beatin thru a tabel. The memburs of Three earlier. Gettin’ paid here at UGA myself. Damien Wilkins would not evrybody up. First he thru Matt In injery nooz, Triple Minute Warning were happy becuz makes my experiences with the pro- allow Damien Wilkins to fail. When Hardy thru a brik wall. Then they wernt uset to tabel matches gram and the coaching staff that all them fools was sayin’ I was a bust Stephanie finally told him to stop H is doin bettur after and they did good.In injery nooz, much more worthwhile. at State, Damien picked myself up or be suspindid. But then he beat up his throte injery from is doin bettur after his THWUGA: And this would be get- and inspired me to move on and Big Show twice befor chasing his throte injery from . ting paid from your campus job… make something of myself. agent out ov the bilding. Survivor Series. hit him in the DW: Yeeeeah, no doubt. THWUGA: That was, without a In other maches, Billy Kidman throte with a frog splash and Triple THWUGA: And what exactly does doubt, the most dizzying exhibi- kept his croozerwate belt by beatin H’s throte‚egan to swell. It started that have to do with Coach Harrick tion of ignorance in speech that I Tajiri. won aganst vo, hoo was interfeering in Angle’s to cloze off his airway so he wuz and his staff? have ever witnessed. and beat Jamie No- match. given oxigin and taken to the hosspi- DW: (Stares blankly) DW: Look I gotta run and get paid. ble. The weirdest thing happind win Erly last week also saw two ov tle. He got out the next day and was THWUGA: Damien? I’ll holla at you later, though. watcht and the Dudley’s reunite for a tabel match at SmackDown! that nite. To Hell With U(sic)GA 26 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia BALLIN’

Sports Opinion Bubba McDaniel Football Corn Dawgs from page 28 stalks grow until spring practice, so mean?” Dem Gators ain’t good they can have the added bonus of In response, Georgia Tech’s es- Forecast using the rows for the football team’s teemed president, Wayne Clough, agility drills. said, “I respect their effort to aid in “I hate having to travel to Atlan- the response to terrorism, but ques- Winners ta this year, but I think, in the long tion their tactics. Have you ever run, this little mishap is going to heard of a Taliban obsession with payoff,” said Dawg head coach Mark sweet corn? Even if Osama does Richt. “Osama’s going to get hurt hanker for the good stuff, I’m not and my boys are going to get quick- sure that the U(sic)GA girls will be Roundingoutthefinal er.” able to resist chow- Because of the ing down on the success of the corn cobs during the weekofthe‘Nique’s program, universi- “They don’t call them harvest. They ty officials intend the ‘Dawgs’ for don’t call them the to plant experi- ‘Dawgs’ for noth- FootballForecast,these mental beans and nothing, ya know?” ing, ya know?” barley crops Wayne Clough The game will be around the campus Georgia Tech President held at Bobby arethebookiesthatgotit dormitories and Dodd Stadium dining halls. The Nov. 30, with the baseball field is slated to become the tentative start time right: home of a new variety of exploding of 3:30 p.m. Due to the late change squash. The experimental squash in venue, the Jackets will receive an theoretically has a shelf-life of two extra $50,000 in penalty fees from months, which would supply an U(sic)GA, as well as a written apol- ample amount of time to ship it to ogy from the project research team. Afghanistan. Fortunately, Stinchcomb, the MattYoung However, a student, who wished team leader, is on an accelerated to remain anonymous, said the squash English program, and has already needed much more development started her Dr. Suess master’s thesis BrianOxford before being used for real govern- and should be able to successfully mental anti-terrorist operations. pen a three-sentence apology letter WinstonMurdock “We are still working on the whole to Tech. timing-thing with the squash. Just “One sprout, two sprouts, we’re the other day we lost my brother- sorry, there’s no doubt,” said Suzy JaredMonroe in-law’s goat while he was nibbling as she rushed to class. on a three-week gourd,” the stu- This unexpected last minute dent said. “It was tough to put old change will not affect the venue for Sunshine in the ground. That goat next season, when the Jackets will was like family to us, know what I host the Dawgs again. 24 • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • To Hell With Georgia BALLIN’ Billboard of support for Terrance Edwards goes unnoticed

By Stevi Jo said devout fan and Georgia alums Many of the fans who helped A can write good Steve Lomberg. “But that was really pay for the a billboard are outraged. “I paid for something I can’t even What would happen if you paid appreciate,” said Johny Johnson. almost $600 for a billboard that no “Kind of like my college educa- one could read? Nothing. “I paid for something I tion,” said the Georgia alumnus. In Tennille last week, a U(sic)GA can’t even appreciate. The creators of the original bill- fan paid for a billboard that read board have decided to create a new “Thanks Terrence For 4 Great Years Kind of like my thank you to Edwards. The sign . . . The No. 1 WR in UGA Histo- college education,” will have only a picture of Edwards, ry—The Fans.” Edwards, who a heart, and a picture of some red- dropped a crucial pass that helped Johny Johnson clad UGA fans. the Florida Gators defeat the Bull- UGA Alumnus “What I am visinin’ is like some dogs, needed the confidence boost. pic plus another makes something,” However, it is estimated that only said Dave Berger, leader of the bill- 12 percent of University (sic) of Geor- it. My boss, a former Tech grad, board clan. “However, I don’t real- By Stevi Jo / STUDENT PUBLICATIONS gia grads are literate. had to tell me what it meant. What ly know how those symbol things A billboard of support for University [sic] of Georgia wide receiver “I could see the Georgia logo, “ a waste of money.” work.” Terrence Edwards was not readable by almost 88 percent of Dawgs fans. www.nique.net To Hell With Georgia! BALLIN’ To Hell With Georgia • Tuesday, November 26, 2002 • 25 Voice of the Dawgs takes over as Vocal Communications teacher By Betty Ford is known to be the voice of southern “This is going to be quite hard I was surprised, mainly because I p.m. The administration and fac- She knows good booze and news football. He plans to teach the stu- for me,” Munson said. “The stu- thought he was a pretty smart kid. ulty decided on this time due to dents how to enunciate and suc- dents can hardly read, much less Honestly, I had never talked to him student feedback as to when would A new speech class has hit the cessfully pronounce words that speak, so I feel like a Hooked-on- before, but then when he opened be the optimal time for them to course listings for U(sic)GA students. typically would be quite hard for a Phonics teacher right now.” his mouth, I understood why he actually come to class. A spokesperson for the Terry Col- He plans to attack the obstacles “Not before the afternoon,” an lege of Business announced that the with the aid of Dick and Jane books, anonymous student-athlete said. “I school has added , as well as Winnie-the-Pooh selec- usually drink and play some of that the long-time sports announcer for “I have never tions and Berenstain Bears books. “I often think those there strip poker all night long, so, Dawg’s football, to their faculty ros- experienced anything “You know, I never thought I boys should stick to you know, the last thing I want to ter. like what I experience would have to do this,” Munson do is get up for a 10 o’clock class.” Munson plans to teach a “Vocal commented. “I love the Dawgs. I attempting to play “This is gonna be a good class- I Communications” class for the com- when I speak with a mean I love them to death. I would football, and leave listen to Mr. Larry all the time. He ing spring semester, and hopes to Georgia student. I never, ever miss a game. But I often is the man. He talks a lot, but if he become a staple in the typical think those boys should stick to at- the learning to gets paid to do that, then I want to U(sic)GA education. don’t understand a tempting to play football, and leave [Tech].” talk a lot too. I am really pumped “I think these guys and girls need the learning to the North Avenue about the guy helping us, he is defi- word.” Larry Munson some help,” Munson said in an ear- Trade School folks. But I am happy nitely my hero. My daddy loves Voice of the Dawgs lier interview. “I have been an ex- Larry Munson to help out my school in any way him. My momma loves him. Even pert at vocal communication for some Voice of the Dawgs possible.” my brother-in-law listens to the man. time now, and I have never experi- The class roster for Munson is a I think this is gonna help me be- enced anything like what I experi- bit touchy though. He didn’t quite was in my class,” Munson said. come a graduate. I can’t wait to go ence when I speak with a Georgia expect a few of the faces he saw on The class is listed as VocCom to class in the spring. This will be student. I don’t understand a word.” U(sic)GA student to use in their registration day. 1101 and will be offered Monday, the first class I have gone to in two Munson, a veteran announcer, daily vocabulary. “The first one in line was Musa. Wednesday, and Friday from 1 to 2 years.”