GUIDE

(908) 735-5161 • www.gklegal.com [email protected] 1318 Route 31 [email protected] PO Box 4001 [email protected] Clinton, NJ 08809 (908) 735-5161 Highly Skilled Matrimonial Attorneys www.gklegal.com Ready to Fight For You

Over 131 Years of Superior Legal Services situation. Our years of experience allow us to offer clear expla- Founded in 1884, Gebhardt & Kiefer, P.C. is built on a legacy of nations of complicated legal notions and set practical expecta- providing trustworthy legal counsel to residents of Central and tions for the outcome of your case, including sensitive situations Western New Jersey. Our matrimonial attorneys have more involving child custody. We value establishing positive long- than 60 years’ combined experience and can help you obtain term relationships with clients and make the effort to provide the best outcome for your divorce or family law matter. With exceptionally personalized services that tend to your particular a longstanding history of quality representation, the divorce needs. Gebhardt & Kiefer is focused on resolving family law attorneys at Gebhardt & Kiefer are notable for their high level issues in a relatable yet realistic manner. of professionalism, expertise, and client-centered approach to divorce litigation, mediation, and collaborative divorce. Our Extraordinarily Responsive, Client-Focused Services attorneys are also active in leadership roles in the New Jersey Committed to serving our clients during the most difficult times and Hunterdon County Bar Associations. They have authored of their lives, our attorneys prioritize the protection of your best articles on family law and are frequent seminar speakers on interests. To ensure you receive the most helpful and respectful family law topics. legal service possible, our family law professionals are extremely communicative and responsive to your concerns. We believe it Adhering to the Highest of Ethical & Moral is important to listen to the objectives of our clients and encour- Standards age you to participate in the legal process. We have successfully We approach each case with the greatest level of integrity and served generations of clients throughout Hunterdon County and moral commitment. Our impressive history coupled with the the majority of our cases are referrals from satisfied clients. extensive experience of our practicing family lawyers allows Gebhardt & Kiefer to recognize what is truly best for our cli- Supported by Extensive Knowledge, Resources & ents. Divorce attorneys William Goodwin, William Rudnik, Experience and Diana Fredericks have all served on the District Ethics As the largest firm in Hunterdon County, Gebhardt & Kiefer has Committee – an accomplishment that signifies their status as access to a remarkable wealth of information regarding a vari- trusted members of the legal community as well as their dedi- ety of law topics – a unique resource that greatly benefits our cation to upholding ethical and moral standards in the practice family law clients. Our knowledge spans numerous areas of law of family law. that may overlap with matrimonial and divorce law, such as real estate, tax, estate planning and insurance issues. The multitude Personable & Practical Family Law Advice of resources available to our firm allows us to provide instan- The family lawyers of Gebhardt & Kiefer pride themselves taneous answers to your questions and superior legal solutions on providing sincere legal counsel specific to each client’s for matters of New Jersey family law.

Contact Our Attorneys for a Consultation (908) 735-5161 • www.gklegal.com 1318 Route 31, PO Box 4001, Clinton, NJ 08809 [email protected] • [email protected] • [email protected] Divorce is more than just a legal process. It’s a challenging transition that can negatively impact all areas of your life, creating emotional, psychological, physical, financial, and parenting challenges. In this Divorce Guide, you’ll find articles and resources to support and empower you and your family through this difficult time. These resources can help you move from merely surviving to actively thriving as you create a new, post-divorce life.

contents

4 Understanding the Divorce Process 24 Happier Holidays during and after Divorce A basic primer on how the divorce process works. Tips for coping with (and even enjoying) holidays.

7 Choosing a Divorce Lawyer 27 Protecting Children From Conflict Finding the right lawyer for your unique needs. Nine tips for reducing the harmful effects of confl ict.

10 Divorce Dispute Resolution 30 Warning Signs An overview of the options for settling your divorce. How to recognize the warning signs that your children need help to cope with your divorce. 12 Financial Divorce Preparation Seven things to do to prepare for life after divorce. 32 Nourishing your Stressed-Out Brain Nutritional tips to help you think clearly and make better 15 Staying Calm while Negotiating with your Ex decisions during divorce. Ten tips for keeping your cool during heated discussions. 34 Your Divorce Community 18 Post-Divorce Financial Checklist Connect with real people going through their own Financial “Must Dos” after your divorce. divorces.

The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a lawyer, accountant, fi nancial planner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this fi rm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materials from this Guide – including reproduction, modifi cation, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited.

DivorceDivorce Guide Guide | 3 legalissues Understanding the Divorce Process Here’s a basic primer on how the divorce process works.

o two divorces are exactly alike. Every marital breakup has its own unique legal, fi nancial, and/or parenting issues, which Nrequire their own resolution strategies. However, every divorce undergoes the same general journey from initiation to closure. Whether you and your spouse make this journey slowly or quickly, expensively or inexpensively, stressfully or peacefully is up to you, but the destina- tion is always the same: from shared to separate lives.

Here’s a basic primer of how the divorce process works in the United States and Canada. Bear in mind that you need to speak to a family lawyer to discover how the options vary in your state or province, as well as how the details and circumstances of your situation may affect your process.

Temporary Orders and Filing Divorce Papers

Although it may feel like it sometimes, life does not come to a halt while you’re negotiating your divorce. Whether your divorce case takes six months or six years from beginning to end, you have to keep food on the table and a roof over your heads, among other things. During this temporary period before a divorce is finalized, most people are able to reach an agreement about how to pay for their expenses. If they can’t reach agreement, they might have to go to court to ask a judge to issue temporary orders.

A temporary order/agreement establishes quick decisions about the children, property, bank accounts, support, and other key issues dur- ing the separation period. For example, if one spouse moves out of the home and the other has no income, how will the latter feed the kids and pay the bills? One of the most common temporary orders is for spousal support. To obtain this order, you must establish that one spouse needs the support and that the other spouse is able to pay it – which may require a Financial Affidavit or Statement detailing both spouses’ living expenses and incomes.

You should hire a divorce lawyer and/or mediator and financial By Jeffrey Cottrill and advisor as soon as possible. You’ll set your temporary order/agree- ment in a brief, relatively informal hearing before a judge, so prepare Diana Shepherd (CDFA™) a complete list of what you want to request. The items you can request

Divorce Guide | 4 include: temporary custody and visita- as a starting point for the discovery pro- Litigation or Negotiation? tion arrangements; a restraining order cess. Your lawyer needs as much spe- (if there has been domestic violence); cific information about the marriage as You and your spouse must decide child or spousal support; and/or who possible in order to work out the finan- how to resolve your divorce. Will you gets the car and house. cial and children’s issues fairly. Most of fight it out through adversarial litiga- discovery involves financial matters, for tion, or can you set aside personal feel- Filing the Petition which your lawyer needs specific, accu- ings long enough to negotiate outside of rate details. From the value of items you court? Alternative Dispute Resolution Next, you or your spouse will file a bought during the marriage to stocks, (ADR) methods – such as arbitration, petition, application, or complaint for pensions, and revenue from a busi- mediation, and Collaborative Divorce divorce with your local family court. ness, you and your divorce profession- – have become popular means of The person who files (“the plaintiff”) als (e.g., lawyers, mediators, financial resolving divorce-related issues in a serves a summons upon the other advisors, appraisers, etc.) may have to cooperative environment. Some states spouse, stating that they want a divorce retrieve documentation of every dol- and provinces have made mediation and what they are seeking in terms of lar value – including that of premarital compulsory in the divorce process. property, child custody, spousal and assets. child support, etc. The other spouse Trial (“the defendant”) must answer the sum- Contested vs. Uncontested mons and, if they wish, can make their Divorce If you and your spouse can’t reach an own claim. agreement, then your case goes to trial. There are two general types of Divorce trials can take many months or Collecting Information and divorce: contested and uncontested. In even years, and they’re never pleasant. Discovery a contested divorce, a judge will decide the outcome if you can’t come to an Generally, you and your spouse You must gather all relevant infor- agreement on your own. In an uncon- each tell your respective side of the mation for your lawyer and/or financial tested divorce, both of you agree on how story in court. You take the stand, and advisor, including: to divide your assets and debts, who your divorce lawyer asks you ques- • Full names, addresses, phone gets custody and pays child support, and tions that prompt you to explain your numbers, and Social Security or whether one spouse needs to pay spou- side (“Direct Examination”), then your Social Insurance numbers for you, sal support to the other. Obviously, an spouse’s divorce lawyer has the option your spouse, and your children (if uncontested divorce will be faster and of asking questions or challenging the applicable). simpler than a contested one. However, validity of your testimony (“Cross • The date of marriage, date of cohab- the more issues you’re able to resolve Examination”). This process is repeated itation, county or region where on your own means fewer to resolve in for your spouse. Finally, the judge or the wedding occurred, the wife’s court – which will help to reduce your the jurors – who only know you through maiden name, and any informa- expenditures of both time and money in what they have heard in court – weigh tion about prior marriages of either a contested divorce. all the evidence and make all the final spouse (including the names and decisions about your divorce. prior names of ex-spouses). Motions • A copy of your premarital agreement The Issues (or other domestic contract) and If you need to readjust certain information about any prior legal arrangements during the divorce pro- • Money and property. Your property proceedings, separations, or marital cess – such as custody, visitation, or will be classified as either “marital” counseling during the marriage. support – you can initiate this by filing or “separate”. All marital property • All available financial data, includ- a motion with the court. A short hear- will go into the marital pot that will ing: income-tax returns from the ing takes place in which the lawyers be divided between the two spouses, last five years; a recent pay slip; the representing you and your spouse pres- and separate property stays out of the major assets and liabilities of both ent their cases before the judge. In most pot. The rules are complicated, but you and your spouse; budget work- cases, only the lawyers are permitted generally speaking, separate prop- sheets; insurance policies; credit- to speak. However, if you are going erty is anything that was brought card statements; wills; and any the Do-It-Yourself (aka Pro Se) route, into the marriage, inherited during credit or mortgage applications. you’ll be able to represent yourself in the marriage, or gifted during the this hearing. Once the judge makes a marriage – and kept in one spouse’s Unless you create a separation agree- decision on the matter, the regular pro- separate name. The goal of property ment, your divorce lawyer will use this cess continues as before. division is “equitable distribution”

Divorce Guide | 5 average waiting period is about six to twelve months. Although it may feel like it sometimes, The Divorce Judgment life does not come to a halt while After all the issues have been you’re negotiating your divorce. decided (either by you and your spouse or by a judge), a court clerk reviews all the papers and sends them to the judge. When the judge signs a document that – meaning a fair division of assets of the time; the “non-custodial” par- officially ends the marriage (a Divorce and debts. The more financially ent would have visitation or access Judgment Order or a Divorce Decree), complicated your divorce, the lon- rights. The amount of child support you are legally divorced. ger this will take. You’ll likely need is based on a number of different an accountant, a Certified Divorce factors, including the annual income The divorce process is complicated, Financial Analyst® (CDFA™), and of each parent, the total number of and this summary doesn’t touch on perhaps a business or pension valu- children in the family, and the cus- what an emotional rollercoaster ride a ator to help you make sense of all tody arrangements for the children. divorce is. Divorce is never easy – and the assets. • Child custody and visitation. Child if your ex is uncooperative or downright • Spousal support. In family law, mar- custody has two components: legal adversarial, it can turn into a long, pain- riage is seen as a financial partner- and physical. Generally speaking, ful, and expensive process. It can also ship. When that partnership breaks sole legal custody means that one damage your children’s psychological down, the partner with more income parent has the legal authority to growth if you and your spouse don’t or assets may have to pay support make all major decisions involv- consider their well-being and act in a to the other. Sometimes also known ing his/her children, while joint or way that will lead to a respectful co- as “alimony” or “maintenance”, shared legal custody means that parenting relationship post-divorce. But spousal support is based upon one both parents have an equal say in once it’s finalized, you’re free to start spouse’s need and the other per- all major decisions about their chil- over – so the sooner you reach the end, son’s ability to pay. For instance, dren’s lives. Physical custody can the better for all involved. Consult the you may “need” $5,000/month to be sole, split, or joint/shared (the necessary divorce professionals (fam- cover your expenses, but if your terminology varies by jurisdiction, ily lawyers, divorce mediators, CDFA ex is making minimum wage (and so make sure to become familiar professionals, accountants, therapists, is not independently wealthy), then with the correct terms for your area). etc.) to find out how to reduce time, you’re unlikely to get that $5,000/ One of the most important decisions money, and emotional costs during your month. Spousal support is intended you’ll make during your divorce is divorce process.  to cover living expenses while where and with whom the children the financially-disadvantaged ex- will live. Unless your spouse is spouse goes back to work or school abusive, both of you should work Related Articles to retrain for a higher-paying job. together to create an agreement in In the case of some long-term mar- which you both get a fair share in Getting Prepared for Temporary riages, support may be ordered so raising your children. Custody bat- Orders that an ex-spouse can maintain his/ tles in court are usually full of char- Here’s what you need to know her pre-divorce lifestyle indefi- acter slurs and accusations that are about temporary orders – especially nitely. Ask your lawyer whether emotionally traumatic for you – and orders regarding finances. you’re eligible for or likely to have even more so for your children. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ to pay spousal support. getting-prepared-for-temporary- • Child support. All parents are obli- The Waiting Period orders gated to support their children. In a divorce, the non-custodial parent is There is usually a set minimum wait- Divorce Preparation usually ordered to pay child support ing period between the divorce petition The better prepared you are, the less to the custodial parent; the custodial and the final decree. Even if your pro- stressful this marital dissolution will parent is expected to use these funds cess is very quick, the waiting period be for you. to pay for the child’s expenses. must elapse before the judge offi- www.divorcemag.com/articles/ “Custodial parent” means the one cially grants the divorce. Lengths vary divorce-preparation that the children live with most or all between states and provinces, but the

Divorce Guide | 6 familylawyers Choosing a Divorce Lawyer How to find the right family lawyer for your unique needs. By Diana Shepherd, CDFA™

hoosing which family lawyer will represent you may Check out the online “Divorce Professionals Directory” at be the most important decision you’ll make during www.DivorceMagazine.com/directory; all lawyers listed there your divorce proceedings. Begin your search by talk- practice family law, and some have detailed profiles about their ing to those you know: ask for recommendations from close practice. You can search for a lawyer that is close to home or Cfriends or family members (your friends and your family work by selecting how far they are from your location. You – not your spouse’s) who have been through divorce them- can also go to Martindale-Hubbell (www.martindale.com) or selves. If you can’t get any personal recommendations, Avvo (www.avvo.com), both of which offer lawyer profiles there are professional organizations that offer lawyer refer- and ratings of lawyers categorized by state and ability. Read ral services, such as The American Academy of Matrimonial the biographies and make sure the lawyers you select specialize Lawyers (www.aaml.org), The American Bar Association in matrimonial or family law. – Family Law Section (www.abanet.org), and The Law Society of Upper Canada (www.lsuc.on.ca). Ask for two “How much” lawyer do you actually need? The best (and or three names of local lawyers who devote their practice to most expensive) litigator money can buy, or someone who family law. can handle the whole thing quickly and inexpensively? Is it

Divorce Guide | 7 important to find a lawyer who’s “com- • Has a lot of relevant experience. It she thinks your divorce will cost, if patible” with you: one who understands is preferable to get a family lawyer there are holes or any problems with and respects your thoughts and feelings who has worked on many divorce your case, and whether or not you about your divorce? Your answers to cases similar to yours. If your lawyer have any aces up your sleeve. these questions will be determined by is fresh out of law school, make sure • Is not in conflict with your best your own unique circumstances, but he or she has an experienced mentor interests. Don’t share a divorce law- here are some basic guidelines to help at the law firm – one with an excel- yer with your spouse; don’t hire your put you on the right track. lent knowledge of divorce law – to spouse’s best friend, business part- go over your case. ner, or any member of your spouse’s Finding a Divorce Lawyer • Is a skilled negotiator. If your case family to represent you – even if can be settled without a protracted you’re on good terms with them. As in any profession, there are good court battle, you’ll save a great deal Aside from the obvious conflict of lawyers and bad lawyers. It’s up to you of time, trouble, and money. interest involved, you’ll have created to do your homework – and to ask the • Is reasonable. You want someone enemies – and probably a whole new right questions – to determine which who’ll advise you to settle if the family feud – before your divorce group your lawyer falls into. The best offer is fair, not encourage you to settles. lawyers will listen to your concerns, have the case drag on to satisfy your • Is more than a pretty face. This ask questions about what you hope to need for revenge. may seem painfully obvious, but achieve, and give you an honest assess- • Is compatible with you. You don’t given our frail human nature, it bears ment of your chances of achieving have to become best friends, but you noting here: don’t choose a lawyer your goals. At the end of your initial must be comfortable enough with based on physical attractiveness. consultation, ask yourself whether you your lawyer to be able to share with You’re looking for competence – not feel comfortable with this lawyer, and him or her some deeply personal for a date on Saturday night. whether you respect each other’s posi- aspects of your life. If you can’t tions and opinions. bring yourself to disclose informa- Choose a Family Lawyer tion relevant to the case, you’ll be Well-Versed in your Issues Look for someone who: putting your lawyer at an extreme • Practices matrimonial or family disadvantage. Your lawyer isn’t your In each divorce, different issues come law. therapist or confessor, but he or she up that require special attention; so it’s • Will work with other profession- does need to be aware of all perti- best to find a lawyer who concentrates als, such as forensic accountants, nent facts in order to do a good job on the specific issues that may arise in CDFA professionals, business valu- for you. your divorce. Here are some examples: ators, therapists, and custody/parent- • Is totally candid. Your lawyer • Custody. If you believe custody of ing experts. should be up-front about what he or your children will become a major battle, then choose a lawyer who concentrates on custody issues. Men may want to choose lawyers who are sympathetic to and experienced with men’s/fathers’ rights, and women need to find lawyers who are equally sympathetic to and experienced with women’s/mothers’ issues. • Small Business. If one or both of you owns a small business, you should look for a divorce lawyer or a family law firm that has knowledge of businesses and corporations. • International or Out of State/ The best lawyers will listen to your concerns, Province. If your divorce deals with property located outside your state/ ask questions about what you hope to achieve, province or country, or if there is a and give you an honest assessment of your threat of having your child removed from the country, hiring a lawyer chances of achieving your goals. who knows international laws and policies is essential.

Divorce Guide | 8 Does Size Matter? The Initial Interview – a good negotiator who can settle your divorce without a long, expen- You also need to decide whether The outcome of your divorce pro- sive court battle. you’d like to be represented by a sole ceedings will change the course of • Are you willing and able to go to practitioner or a full-service law firm. your life forever, so invest the time and court if this case can’t be settled Your choice will be partially dictated money to find the lawyer who will do any other way? by your spouse’s choice: if the divorce the best job for you. Interview two or • How long will this process take? is relatively easy and friendly, you can three lawyers before deciding who’ll (Again, the answer will be an probably agree on what kind of rep- represent you. Remember: it’s your approximation.) resentation you need. If the divorce is responsibility to retain a lawyer who’s • What are my rights, and what are very bitter; if there are children, money, not only good at his or her job, but one my obligations during my divorce? or large assets at stake; or if your spouse whose personality and outlook are com- • At a full-service law firm, ask who is just plain “out to get you”, consider patible with yours. will be handling the case: the law- hiring a “top gun” – whether that be a yer you’re interviewing, an associ- well-respected individual or a team of Here are the questions you should ate, or a combination of senior and lawyers at a prestigious law firm. ask during your initial interview: junior lawyers and paralegals? • Do you practice family law exclu- • Should I consider divorce media- The main advantage to hiring a sole sively? If not, what percentage of tion? Ask if your case – at least in practitioner is that you know exactly your practice is family law? the initial stages – might be a good who will be working on your case; in • How long have you been one for mediation. If there has been bigger law firms, the lawyer you speak practicing? violence in the relationship, or one to initially may not be the one who does • What is your retainer (the initial spouse is seriously intimidated by the bulk of the work on your case. You fee paid – or, sometimes, the actual the other, this may not be a viable will get to know your sole practitioner contract you sign – to officially hire alternative. well, which should make office visits a lawyer)? Is this fee refundable? • Should I consider Collaborative or phone conversations a little more • What is your hourly rate and bill- Divorce? In this dispute-resolution comfortable. ing terms? You should know what process, each client hires a collabor- you’re paying for, how often you ative lawyer to serve as his/her advi- Law firms come in all types and will be billed, and at what rates. sor. Both clients and lawyers sign an sizes. A firm can be three lawyers and a • Approximately how much will my agreement that they will not go to few paralegals, or 100 lawyers and more divorce cost? The lawyer will only court; if the process fails, the law- than 20 paralegals. You can hire a gen- be able to provide an estimate based yers must resign and the divorcing eral-practice firm that deals with vari- on the information you provide – couple start over again from square ous areas of the law and has a smaller and your realistic estimation of how one. department that handles divorce and amicable you and your spouse are. If • What happens now? Do I need to family law, or a matrimonial law firm you think your case is extremely sim- do anything? And when will I hear that handles only matrimonial matters. ple, but your spouse’s lawyer buries from you? your attorney in paperwork, you can A full-service firm can give you expect your costs to increase. Finally, if there’s something you access to specialists in other fields if • What do you think the outcome really need to know, or if you don’t your case requires it, and they can han- will be? Remember, you’re looking understand something the lawyer said, dle complications such as shareholders’ for truthfulness here – not to be told don’t be afraid to ask for clarification. agreements, business organization or a pretty story. reorganization, tax-driven settlements • If your spouse has retained a Diana Shepherd, Divorce Magazine’s (including asset transfers), establish- divorce lawyer, ask your prospec- Editorial Director, has been writing ment of family trusts, real-estate trans- tive lawyer whether he or she knows about divorce-related issues since 1996. fers, or estate planning. There may this lawyer. If so, ask: “Have you be a number of people handling your worked with him or her before? Do divorce at a big firm, which has its own you think the lawyer will work to Related Article set of pros and cons. One advantage is settle the case? And is there anything that you get the experience of a senior that would prevent you from work- How to Evaluate an Attorney lawyer while lower-priced associates, ing against this lawyer?” Tips for getting the best outcome. paralegals, and legal secretaries handle • What percentage of your cases go www.divorcemag.com/articles/ some of the standard elements of your to trial? You actually want to choose how-to-evaluate-an-attorney case, thereby saving you money. a lawyer with a low percentage here

Divorce Guide | 9 divorceprocess Divorce Dispute Resolution: Choosing the Right Method There are many options to settle your divorce issues, including mediation, arbitration, collaboration, litigation, and pro se. But which one is right for you? Here’s an overview of the options at your disposal.

oing through a divorce requires making diffi cult more likely to adhere to the agreement, which simplifies decisions that will impact the rest of your life. life during and after divorce. However, in order to remain One of the fi rst items you and your spouse must neutral, mediators are unable to provide legal advice or rec- Gdecide upon is the type of dispute resolution that makes the ommendations to either party. most sense in your unique set of circumstances. Like many people experiencing divorce for the fi rst time, you may In mediation, both parties retain a lawyer to read over not be aware of the options available for resolving your the mediated agreement and offer advice before the par- divorce. To help you make an educated decision, here’s an ties sign it. Even if the mediator is also a lawyer, both par- overview explaining the options at your disposal. ties should still have independent legal advice to make sure they fully understand the legal ramifications of the agree- Mediation ment they’ve created.

Some divorcing couples enlist an independent third If you would like to bypass a lengthy court case and party, called a mediator, to help them reach a divorce are willing to negotiate fairly with your spouse, media- settlement. Both private and court-ordered mediation are tion may be a great choice for settling your divorce. On designed to encourage couples to voice their opinions and the other hand, mediation is usually not recommended in reach a balanced settlement in a neutral environment. cases where there is a history of abuse or mental illness, if the parties are poor communicators, or if there is any The two main benefits of mediation are lower divorce question that the best interests of the children are not being costs and a higher chance of reaching a balanced agree- protected. Additionally, mediation is not advisable for ment that is acceptable to both parties. When divorcing par- couples hoping to rely on a third party to make final deci- ties reach a resolution together through mediation, they are sions for them.

By Emily Bauer

DivorceDivovorcce GuGGuideidde | 101 Arbitration inevitably arise during the process. The diverse perspectives provided by the collaborative team members facilitate a fair Unlike mediation, arbitration removes the task of deci- and respectful settlement process. sion-making from the two divorcing parties and hands it over to a third-party individual. The process of arbitration You should consider the collaborative approach to divorce requires both spouses to meet with the arbitrator without if both of you are willing and able to negotiate in good faith, their lawyers’ present, describe their goals and priorities for and spend the time and energy necessary to reach a mutually- the divorce settlement, and leave the final decision to the agreeable settlement. However, collaborative divorce will discretion of the arbitrator. not work well for couples who are unwilling to compromise, communicate, and commit to reaching a resolution. If one of In most jurisdictions, the decision reached by an arbitrator you is not actually negotiating in good faith, or not interested is final and binding, meaning the couple has no choice but to in reaching agreement, the process will likely fail. follow whatever settlement is decided for them. The benefit of arbitration is that a neutral third party assumes control, Litigation ensuring that important choices related to the divorce are founded on fact and logic rather than based on the emotion- Although only about 5% of divorces go to court, you should ally charged perspectives of the divorcees. Arbitration is understand the process if you are not good candidates for also less expensive than litigation through the court system. any of the Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) models described above – or if you fail to reach agreement during If you would prefer to retain the power to renegotiate ADR. In divorce cases that go to trial, both sides have a and potentially challenge the divorce agreement, arbitration chance to make their case (either as a pro se litigant or one is not the best option for you. Nevertheless, many couples who is represented by a lawyer); instead of crafting their own who are unable to agree on important issues choose arbitra- agreement, they rely on the knowledge and discretion of a tion as a means to overcome their stalemate. As long as you judge to determine their future. are comfortable accepting the resolutions prescribed by an unbiased third party, arbitration may be a viable approach to Litigation fees can be very expensive, especially in dif- divorce dispute-resolution for you and your spouse. ficult, drawn-out divorce cases. Another unfavourable aspect of litigation is that couples who are unable to reach an agree- Collaboration ment without the intervention of the court often struggle with the judgement delivered to them. Divorcing parties are more The newest dispute-resolution option for divorcing cou- likely to honor a divorce settlement that they have contrib- ples, collaborative divorce often engages an entire team of uted towards rather than the orders mandated by a judge. professionals to help resolve your case. Experts in the fields of law, finance, mental health, and, when necessary, child If you would prefer to retain control over the outcome advocacy come together to help families through the chal- of your divorce, litigation is not an ideal method for resolv- lenging divorce process. This team approach to divorce ing your dispute. On the other hand, if you are comfortable allows both parties to retain their own specially-trained law- entrusting a judge with your divorce outcome or if other yer to act as coaches; all other professionals are shared by approaches to divorce dispute-resolution have been unsuc- the divorcing couple, which helps keeps costs down. cessful, litigation may be necessary.

The lawyers on both sides aim to help their clients reach Pro Se/In Propria Persona an equitable settlement. Both lawyers and the parties sign an agreement stating that they will settle without going to court; At the other end of the spectrum from litigation is Pro Se if the parties fail to reach an agreement, the entire collabora- representation. Sometimes called “In Propria Persona” or tive team must resign, and the parties must start the process “Pro Per” (from the Latin meaning “in one's own person”), over from square-one with new litigation lawyers. in this approach to divorce, either one or both parties choose not to hire a lawyer to represent them. The Latin term Pro A variation on this theme is collaborative law, in which Se translates as “on one’s own behalf”, meaning that the liti- you hire collaborative lawyers without a full team to support gant is acting as his/her own attorney in a lawsuit – including you through the process. self-representation in court. A pro se party is responsible for properly completing all relevant legal paperwork, remem- Collaborative divorce can be a very effective approach bering important court dates, doing his/her own research to divorce, since there are professionals available to handle the legal, financial, emotional, and children’s issues that will .../Continued on page 34

Divorce Guide | 11 financialissues Financial Divorce Preparation

Here are the “Lucky Seven” things you can do to help prepare yourself for your post-divorce financial future. By Dr. Fadi Baradihi

ore often than not, the stan- Remember that not all your expenses Mdard of living of both spouses are paid monthly; some insurance pre- drops in the fi rst few years miums or tax bills might be payable after divorce. Why? Because the same quarterly or annually, so make sure cumulative income and pool of assets to account for those as well. (To help now has to support two households get you started, fill out the “Monthly/ instead of one. Unfortunately, most peo- Annual Expenses Worksheet” on page ple don’t prepare themselves fi nancially 30.) or emotionally for that consequence. So what can you do to better prepare your- The last step in preparing a budget is self for this inevitability? The answer to ask a critical friend or family mem- is simple, but it’s not easy to put into ber to review your budget and challenge practice. the expenses that seem unreasonable. You have to agree to keep an open mind In today’s housing market, some- Divorce is an inherently stressful and not to get mad if he/she challenges times the matrimonial home can’t be process. To alleviate some of the stress, one of your items; remember that this sold in a reasonable amount of time – it’s important to be proactive and in con- person is trying to help you. or for a reasonable amount of money. trol. Here are the “Lucky Seven” things Today, many couples own houses that you can do to help prepare yourself for Consider whether you can neither spouse can afford to maintain your post-divorce financial future. 2 afford to keep the house. on his/her own, and that they cannot sell for what they owe on their mortgage. Expect your income to drop Here are the traditional options for If the house can only be sold at a loss, 1 after the divorce is final. the matrimonial home: divorcing couples have a few options, i. One spouse stays in the house (with such as: You should expect your income to the children, if any) and buys the • Renting the house to a third party – drop after the divorce is final. Develop other spouse’s share by: or having one ex-spouse stay in the a budget based on needs – not wants • Cash-out refinance home and pay rent to the other – and keep in mind that your expenses • Giving up another asset • “Birdnesting”: the ex-spouses retain need to stay within your post-divorce • Property settlement note joint ownership of the home, they income. Consider all sources of income ii. The spouses sell the house during also rent a small apartment nearby, – including spousal and child support, or after the divorce process and split and each one alternates living in the keeping in mind that they won’t last the proceeds. house with the kids and in the apart- forever – as well as investment income. In many cases, one spouse – usu- ment on his/her own To develop a budget, use a detailed ally the wife – wants to keep the house. • Agreeing to sell the home at a loss, worksheet so you don’t overlook any Though this might be emotionally satis- share the loss, and move on with expenses. The best source for the fying, it usually makes little or no finan- their lives. expense information is your check reg- cial sense. The equity in the house is If one spouse wants – and can afford ister, if that’s how you pay your bills. illiquid, meaning it won’t pay the bills. – to keep the house, that spouse should

Divorce Guide | 12 pre-qualify for a mortgage before the plan will end up with the account value Hire a good team of divorce divorce is final. Sometimes, a divorcing minus the tax liability, and the other 7 professionals. couple will decide that one spouse is spouse will have the whole amount to going to keep the house. They take the spend. Personal recommendations from other spouse’s name off the deed – and a trusted friend, business associate, then the spouse who wants to keep the Understand your financial or trusted professional can be a great house gets turned down for a mortgage 5 needs. source for referrals. However, you because he/she doesn’t make enough need to do your homework before hir- money to qualify to refinance in his/her You need to make sure that the ing anyone. Research candidates on name alone. The spouse who is leav- liquidity of the assets you’re getting the Internet: read their personal and ing the marital home ends up being on matches up to your needs. Let’s suppose corporate profiles, and check their rat- the hook for the debt, has no reciprocal you want to keep the marital house, ings and reviews (if available). Your asset, and can’t qualify for his/her own which is worth $300,000 or 50% of the team should consist of a divorce law- mortgage because he/she doesn’t make marital estate, as your share of the set- yer and a Certified Divorce Financial enough to support both mortgages. tlement. Until you take a close look at Analyst® (CDFA™) at a minimum. If your long-term financial forecast, you needed, other members or the team 3 Know what you have. won’t know whether you can afford to could include a mediator, an accoun- keep it. Suppose, for example, you’ve tant, a business or pension valuator, or Account statements have a way of factored child-support payments into perhaps a child or individual therapist. disappearing when divorce proceed- your income; after the payments end, Although you may think that the more ings start. When contemplating divorce, how are you going to pay the mort- professionals you hire the more costly start by collecting statements for all gage? If you have to put the house up your divorce will be, this is not neces- your financial holdings and put together for sale in a few years, you may be sarily true. In the long run, having the a list of your assets. When negotiating solely responsible for paying all the appropriate help will cut down on liti- your divorce settlement, this step will capital-gains taxes from the time you gation costs, and it may save you from prove helpful as a starting point. Here’s and your spouse acquired the property making costly blunders regarding your an example of items you’ll need to list until you sold it – which could be bad settlement.  on an Asset Worksheet; remember to news indeed. note the value of each asset, and who Fadi Baradihi (DBA, MBA, CFP®, owns what portion of it: Don’t overlook the value of ChFC®, CLU, CDFA™) is the former • Retirement Assets 6 a future pension. president of the Institute for Divorce • Liquid Assets Financial Analysts (IDFA). For more • Real Estate Any portion of a pension that was information about how a CDFA profes- • Personal Property earned during the marriage should be sional can help you with the financial • Cash Value Life Insurance included in the marital pool of assets. aspects of your divorce, call (800) 875- • Business Interests Pensions can be handled in three differ- 1760, or visit www.InstituteDFA.com. ent ways: As you work your way through the i. The non-employee spouse can asset split negotiations, each asset can receive his or her share of a future Related Articles be moved to its appropriate column: benefit “Husband” or “Wife”. To figure out ii. The pension can be present valued Financial Recovery After Divorce the percentage split, divide the total for and offset Create an exit strategy and rebound each spouse by the grand total. iii. A combination of (i) and (ii). after your divorce. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ Consider the after-tax Your particular situation should financial-recovery-after-divorce 4 values of your assets. determine which option makes the most sense for you. For example, a Your New Financial Identity Accounts with pre-tax contributions 32-year-old wife with two young chil- Learn the need to protect your and tax deferred growth come with a dren and limited resources will have credit score during divorce and how tax liability. Know what the after-tax different needs than a 55-year-old wife to establish yourself financially. equivalent value is before agreeing to with a career and her own pension. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ take an asset. Having $100,000 in an Make sure you’re not left with a great your-new-financial-identity IRA or RRSP is not the same as hav- pension that will pay in 15 years – but ing a $100,000 in a checking account. you have no money to pay the bills The spouse with the retirement savings today.

Divorce Guide | 13 Monthly/Annual Expenses Worksheet

Monthly Annual Monthly Annual Expenses Expenses Expenses Expenses Home Expenses Transportation Rent/Mortgage $______$______Auto Payment $______$______Homeowners/Association Fee $______$______Fuel $______$______Home Equity Loan $______$______Repair/Maintenance $______$______Property Taxes $______$______License $______$______Telephone $______$______Total Transportation Expenses $______$______Cellphone/Pager $______$______Internet $______$______Miscellaneous Security System $______$______Postage $______$______Cable/Satellite $______$______Gifts/Holiday Expenses $______$______Electricity $______$______Vitamins/Non-Prescription Drugs $______$______Gas $______$______Toiletries $______$______Water/Garbage $______$______Beauty Salon/Hair/Nails $______$______Landscape Maintenance/Lawn $______$______Pet Care/Vet $______$______Snow Removal $______$______Books/Newspapers/Magazines $______$______Exterminator $______$______Donations $______$______General Home Repairs/Maintenance $______$______Memberships/Clubs $______$______Home Improvements/Upgrades $______$______Miscellaneous $______$______Housecleaning $______$______Credit Card $______$______Miscellaneous Household/Pool $______$______Total Miscellaneous Expenses $______$______Total Home Expenses $______$______

Food Other Payments Groceries $______$______Quarterly Taxes & Add’l Tax Payments $______$______Dining Out $______$______Spousal Support Payments $______$______Total Food Expenses $______$______Child Support Payments $______$______Eldercare Expenses $______$______Clothing Expenses Professional Fees (Accounting, $______$______Clothing $______$______Financial Planning, Legal, etc.) $______$______Laundry/Dry Cleaning $______$______Service Fees (Banks, Investments, etc.) $______$______Total Clothing Expenses $______$______Total Other Payments Expenses $______$______

Entertainment/Recreation TOTAL EXPENSES (Excluding Children) $______$______Entertainment $______$______(Excludes Dining Out? why? Is this $______$______included somewhere?) $______$______Child-Related Expenses Videos/CDs/DVDs $______$______Education/Tuition $______$______Hobbies $______$______School Lunches $______$______Movies and Theater $______$______Counselor $______$______Vacations/Travel $______$______Sports/Camps/Lessons $______$______Classes/Lessons $______$______Hobbies/Field Trips/School Activities $______$______Total Entertainment/Recreation Expenses $______$______Toys/Games $______$______Boy-Scout/Girl-Guide Dues $______$______Clothing $______$______Medical (After or not covered by insurance; excludes children) Medical $______$______Dental/Orthodontics* $______$______Physicians $______$______Optometry/Glasses/Contacts* $______$______Dental/Orthodontist $______$______Prescriptions* $______$______Optometry/Glasses/Contacts $______$______Allowances $______$______Prescriptions $______$______Miscellaneous/Haircuts $______$______Total Medical Expenses $______$______Total Child-Related Expenses $______$______* Not Covered by Insurance Insurance Life Insurance $______$______TOTAL EXPENSES (Including Children) $______$______Health $______$______Disability $______$______Long-Term Care $______$______Home $______$______Auto $______$______Other (Umbrella, Boat, Cottage, etc.) $______$______Total Insurance Expenses $______$______

DivorceDivorce Guide | 14 preparingfordivorce Staying Calm WHILE NEGOTIATING WITH YOUR EX

Ten tips for staying cool and calm during heated divorce- related negotiations or conversations. By Carolyn Ellis

here aren’t many people who jump for joy at the prospect of hav- ing a potentially contentious and heated conversation with someone Tthey are divorcing. It can be very unsettling, profoundly frustrat- ing, and deeply disappointing. The unfortunate reality for the vast majority of divorcing couples is that tense moments, confl icts, and arguments are inevitable during your divorce journey; how you handle the confl ict will help to determine how long and how diffi cult the process will be.

Negotiating your separation agreement requires you to make decisions about crucial factors that will impact you and your family for years to come – such as division of marital assets, child custody, and financial support. When emotions run high, intelligence tends to run low. During divorce, you’re asked to make decisions about your life when you’re least emotionally equipped to do so.

Brain science helps to explain why it’s so hard to make complex and challenging decisions when you’re in a place of emotional upset. When faced with situations that cre- ate fear or insecurity, the brain sets off the “flight or fight” response. Adrenalin floods through your body, creating physiological responses to ensure your physical survival. For example, breathing and heart rates increase sending blood to your limbs so you can run or go into battle.

Divorce Guide | 15 Use these ten simple tips to help you keep your cool when you want the day when they graduate college or get married to the conversations get heated. be like? Keep the big picture in mind and do your best to let it pull you through the stress and conflict you might feel today. Take a Deep Breath 1 Don’t Give Away your Power To help you stop spiraling into emotional reactivity, noth- 4 ing beats taking a few deep breaths. This strategy is free, When it comes to a divorce, everyone has an opinion for easy, and something you can do anywhere and anytime. you. We hire lawyers; we talk with therapists or coaches; we poll friends, family, and neighbors for their experiences and Studies show that taking deep, conscious breaths for even suggestions. We devour self-help books and attend workshops one minute can help you feel more grounded immediately. to try and find our way through the divorce maze. But at the Breathing like this helps to dial down the amygdala response end of the day, you are the world’s best expert on you and that triggers the “fight or flight” response so you can better what’s right for your life. access the part of your brain that governs rational thought. When you decide to take responsibility for your choices, Most of us tend to breathe shallowly, using primarily the you put yourself in the driver’s seat of your life. When the heat chest cavity. It can take a bit of adjustment to learn how to is on and the conversation gets tough, it’s tempting to give your breathe more deeply, using your full lung capacity. To help power away to others in order to avoid conflict. Your lawyer you get the deep breaths going, place your hand on your may be an expert on the law, but you and your family are the navel and breathe deeply right down into your diaphragm. ones who will have to live with the consequences of your legal When you inhale, imagine you’re sending your breath right decisions. Your ex-partner will know what buttons to push to down to your hand. You’re on the right track when you see upset you. During your marriage, you may have backed down your hand moving outwards with your inhale, and then back when he/she pushed those buttons; today, don’t take the bait. in towards your body on the exhale. You have both the power and the responsibility to give input on decisions that will affect the rest of your life. 2 Release Negative Emotions Before you sit down to negotiate, let go of negative It’s crucial to pick thoughts and emotions. Past upsets and grievances, unex- pressed emotions, worries about the future, or feelings of your battles. You’ll anger, sadness, guilt, or fear create static that can make it get exhausted if you harder to get your point across effectively. go to the wall on If you’re feeling angry, write an angry letter (don’t send it, every single issue however!), write about your feelings in a journal, take your dog for a walk, or work up a sweat at the gym. If you’re feel- that arises. ing sad, spend time with people you love or do some yoga. To get a fresh perspective, take a nature walk or get creative in the kitchen or with a hobby. Finding ways to move and release pent-up emotions before you have your tough conversations Pick Your Battles makes it easier to speak your truth when it really counts. 5 Most people are surprised at how grueling it is to actually Create the Big Picture implement the decision to end your marriage. Especially if you 3 have children, there are a lot of major issues that need to be When you’re deep in the trenches of negotiating your negotiated, such as child support and custody, spousal support, divorce settlement, it’s so easy to lose perspective: every- and division of assets and debts. thing feels urgent and high-stakes. You must take the time to create the big picture. It’s crucial to pick your battles. You’ll get exhausted if you go to the wall on every single issue that arises. Brainstorm a One of the most effective ways to do this is to look out list of all the issues that you can think of – holiday schedules, into the future: imagine what you want your life to look and education choices for the kids, what happens when one of you feel like 20 years from now. Do you want to be upset and still loses a job or when a new partner comes on the scene, and how resentful about your ex, or do you want to have more peace to handle it when your teenager wants to get tattoos and a few and clarity in your life from all the wisdom you’re getting piercings. What’s negotiable for you? What’s a deal-breaker from this divorce experience? If you have children, what do for you?

Divorce Guide | 16 Get clear on your core issues and set some priorities. You’ll process. Find a trusted friend or divorce “buddy,” a divorce need to have some give and take in your relationship with your coach, therapist, or a community support group. ex, particularly if you are co-parents. Learn to become strate- gic and identify where you’re willing to get creative or com- Talk It Out promise in order to build good-will for the long run. 9 When you have big stakes on the line, don’t just “wing it” It’s Not Personal and hope it all turns out the way you want. Taking time to pre- 6 pare yourself in advance helps give you confidence and clarity One big trap that’s so easy to fall into is taking interactions that can make all the difference. and choices made by your ex-spouse personally. Especially in situations of conflict, people will inevitably have differ- One way to do this is to write down all the key points you ent opinions and strong emotional reactions. Doing your own want to make. Get some of those nervous jitters and hesita- emotional homework with a therapist or coach can help you tions out of the way before the meeting even starts by practic- defuse some of those “hot buttons” that ex-partners are so ing out loud. You can even do this in front of a mirror to take skilled at pushing. your “talk it out” strategy to an even deeper level.

Realize that what your ex-partner thinks of you is no lon- Surrender and Center ger any of your business. The degree to which you continue 10 to respond and react to what your ex thinks, says, or does is Anyone who has ever tried to swim upstream can confirm the degree to which you help create your own suffering. In that going against the current can be exhausting. When you the words of spiritual teacher Matt Kahn, “What others think make the choice to surrender, you let go of needing to know or of you is their journey. What you think of yourself is yours.” control everything all the time. Surrendering complete control isn’t a sign of weakness: it doesn’t mean you’re giving up your 7 Own Your Part position or your beliefs. We are human beings, not saints. Particularly when under Before you head in to your next tough conversation, take a stress, we’re likely to do or say things that we’ll regret later. moment to close your eyes and get centered. Create an inten- Help keep your negotiations moving in the right direction by tion to center yourself that you can come back to when you taking responsibility for your actions and how you may have feel challenged or unsettled, such as: “Let this be resolved contributed to the conflicts you’re trying to resolve. in the best interests of all involved” or “Let me speak my truth powerfully and clearly today.” You can even anchor this In negotiations, take ownership for your feelings when intention by holding a small object, such as a small crystal you speak. Avoid blaming statements such as: “You’re being or stone, in your hand. Bring this object with you to your unfair!” Instead, take responsibility for your feelings by using meeting to help you stay centered and remind you of your “I” statements, such as: “I feel upset when XYZ happens.” intention to surrender your desire to control every aspect of the negotiation.  When you find yourself making a misstep or losing your cool, show yourself compassion. See these “mistakes” as Carolyn Ellis is an award-winning coach, enormous learning opportunities. To really own your part, transformational expert, and author of the you should acknowledge the mistake and apologize to your award-winning books The 7 Pitfalls of Single ex if necessary. You’ll be surprised at how a genuine apology Parenting and The Divorce Resource Kit. can transform an angry conversation into a cooperative one. Combining her intuitive abilities with her Harvard-trained brain, Carolyn specializes in Get Support helping individuals navigate change by tapping 8 into their own inner brilliance. www.thriveafterdivorce.com Einstein said that problems cannot be solved at the level of thinking that created them in the first place. Learn to ask for help and support; if you don’t ask, there won’t be any help Related Article or support. If you do ask, chances are that you’ll be able to resolve whatever problem is keeping you stuck. Managing Anger Divorce-related anger can literally make you crazy – If you reach an impasse with your ex-spouse, get help; you causing you to say and do things you’d never dream of if may need to enlist a third party (counselor, mediator, lawyer, you were thinking clearly. Here’s how to cope. etc.) to help you resolve difficult issues. It’s critical you find www.divorcemag.com/articles/managing-anger effective support in your social network during your divorce

Divorce Guide | 17 copingwithdivorce

Managing your Reputation during Divorce

he emotions that come at the beginning of your divorce – including fear, sadness, and numbness – tend to cause paralysis and depression. As time passes, these paralyzing feelings recede and others – such as anger, euphoria, and sometimes Teven a desire for revenge – take their place.

Anger is an emotion that tends to lead to acting out and euphoria is an emotion that tends to lead to going out – both of which can lead to big trouble during your divorce. Acting in a way that appears irresponsible, inappropriate, or antagonistic can have a negative impact on your case, leaving you with both less money and less time with your kids. So, at the exact time that you are likely to act inappropriately due to poor judgment, you’re also more likely to be caught and suffer negative consequences as a result.

It’s important to have strategies in place to help you manage your reputation. By Christina Pesoli Otherwise, you might create messes that damage your chances of getting what you want from the divorce. Following the guidelines in this article will help ensure your behavior is above reproach. Acting in a way that appears irresponsible, inappropriate, Follow the Two-Sentence Rule or antagonistic can have Because people love juicy gossip, you will be queried about how your divorce a negative impact on your is going by folks who have no business asking and zero need to know. And because case, leaving you with both you are not your normal, sensible self right now, you might find it surprisingly hard to resist the invitation to spill your guts to anyone and everyone. Although you don’t less money and less time have a duty to protect your ex’s reputation, there’s no reason to ruin your own by tell- with your kids. Here’s how ing everyone about all the ways he/she has done you wrong. to manage your reputation The two-sentence rule is the best defense against saying too much when someone by ensuring your behavior other than a close friend asks you how your divorce is going. Have a two-sentence is above reproach. answer scripted, rehearsed, and ready to go – something like, “It’s been hard, but

Divorce Guide | 18 I’m getting through it. Thanks for ask- remarks your friends post about you to make sure you don’t provide your ing.” Then, when a casual acquaintance can also come into play. Sometimes the ex with a paint-by-numbers sketchpad asks you what’s going on, you’ll know most troublesome comments are from and a fresh supply of paint. Don’t set exactly what to say. Recite your two sen- well-intentioned friends who are sim- his classic rock album collection on fire tences and quickly change the subject ply trying to be supportive: “Missed in your front yard; don’t drunk-dial her by asking them a question (“How are you at happy hour on Friday! Ran into and leave crazy messages on her cell things with you?”). Following the two- that former student of yours there. He phone in the middle of the night; and sentence rule to avoid saying too much asked where you were. I think he’s hot don’t secretly attach a GPS tracking to anyone other than your A-Team will for teacher!” Whether the statement is device to his car (even if you’re sure go a long way toward protecting your true or not isn’t the issue; they create that he’s been cheating). reputation from self-inflicted wounds. an impression of you and what you’re saying and doing, and you may have to These actions will only make you Don’t Have Egg on your answer for all of it. look crazy, which in turn will make his/ Facebook page her jerky behavior appear somehow Because there are so many ways to justified and put you on the defensive. The first place your ex’s divorce go wrong, most lawyers advise their The narrative will change from one in lawyer is going to look for embar- clients to shut down all social media which you’re struggling to do your best rassing evidence to use against you is accounts until their divorce is final. to make it through your divorce to one your social media accounts, such as Short of that, you can maintain your in which you’re the crazy wife who Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. You accounts but restrain yourself by act- eventually drove him to leave. must assume that everything you say on ing as if you have “view only” privi- social media will be read by everyone leges. In other words, you can get on Don’t Buy Yourself Problems – including your ex and his/her lawyer. Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram only This means you should never, ever dish to see what everyone else is saying and Every dime you spend will be sub- about your divorce, make snarky com- doing, but not say a single word your- ject to scrutiny during your divorce. ments about your ex (no matter how self. If you take this approach, your first You will be required to provide copies true), or post photos of you and your order of business should be to change of all your bank account and credit- BFFs doing Jello shots at Coyote Ugly. your Facebook page to get rid of your card statements to your ex, and all your No matter how liberating it feels to post wall. This will eliminate the possibility spending will be carefully reviewed. those pictures at 1:30 a.m., you will of people posting comments that might That means every time you make a pur- only feel humiliated at 1:30 p.m. when be inappropriate. chase while your divorce is pending, you’re answering deposition questions you’re buying a conversation piece for about the episode. And if you’re fight- Crazy Isn’t your Best Color your ex and his/her lawyer. ing for custody, you just bought your ex a round of evidence. Your ex’s number-one objective Be mindful of the picture you’re right now might be to convince every- painting. Charges on your credit-card It’s not just what you write on your one that you are completely crazy. (And statement to spas, clothing boutiques, own page that can be scrutinized: since divorce doesn’t bring out the best and bars create one image, and charges any comment you make on anyone in people, that can be remarkably easy to grocery stores, bookstores, and kid- else’s page is also fair game. Plus, any to do.) Your number-one objective is friendly pottery painting studios create

Following the two-sentence rule to avoid saying too much to anyone other than your A-Team will go a long way toward protecting your reputation from self-inflicted wounds.

Divorce Guide | 19 quite another. You don’t have to live as at any given time. Let’s say you see even more. You should never go into if you’ve taken a vow of poverty, but your neighbor as you’re pulling into a divorce with the idea that the stress you should live within your budget so the driveway at the end of the day. He’s of it all entitles you to a meltdown or you don’t buy yourself more trouble. divorced himself and has a couple of two, but you also shouldn’t go into kids who go to school with your kids, it expecting that you will behave per- In addition to the picture you create but his children are with their mom fectly, either. You’re human; you’ll for your ex and his/her lawyer through for the evening. He asks you to grab a make mistakes. your spending records, keep in mind quick glass of wine. He is friendly and how your spending choices make you normal and this wouldn’t be a date, just When you realize that you’ve han- come across to people in general. It’s a couple of neighbors having a quick dled something in a less-than-ideal one thing to update your wardrobe, drink. Your six-year-old son and ten- manner, own up to it rather than beat- especially if you’ve lost or gained a lot year-old daughter are with you. ing yourself up. Take an honest look at of weight and your current clothes don’t how you blew it. Try to pinpoint what fit you anymore, but don’t buy a bunch Your first instinct is to say no. After triggered your poor judgment or bad of new clothes that scream “cocktail all, it’s a school night and you don’t behavior. Learn what you can from waitress” (unless you are actually a have a sitter. Your neighbor suggests your mistakes so you can avoid mak- cocktail waitress). you just pop in a DVD of their favor- ing similar ones in the future. Then put ite movie and the two of you will zip them behind you and move on.  Don’t Manufacture Evidence over to the closest place with a full bar, Against Yourself TGI Fridays. You’ve never left the kids Adapted excerpt from at home alone before, but the notion of Break Free from the Protecting your reputation during having some adult conversation over an Divortex: Power Through your divorce isn’t rocket science. Not adult beverage sounds pretty good. Your Divorce and Launch interested in answering embarrassing Your New Life (Seal deposition questions about your sex To figure out whether this is a good Press, September 2014) life? Then don’t have a sex life. Don’t idea or not, imagine something going by Christina Pesoli. With want your ex’s lawyer telling your law- wrong while you’re gone, like a house permission from Seal Press, a member yer that you need to stop texting him/ fire. Then imagine how the headline of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright her at 2:00 a.m.? Then don’t text your would read in the paper the next day: © 2014. Packed with no-nonsense ex at 2:00 a.m. Not looking forward “Firefighters Rescue Children from advice and practical survival tips, to explaining what you and your kid’s Burning Home while Mom Drinks at this book offers advice from someone smoking-hot tennis coach talked about TGI Fridays.” who can do more than settle your for an hour on your cell phone late case. A professional divorce coach Saturday night? Then don’t talk to your Now the answer is crystal clear, isn’t and an attorney, Pesoli’s book acts kid’s tennis coach for an hour on your it? Leaving your kids home alone while as therapist, lawyer, and best friend, cell phone. you grab a drink with your neighbor all rolled into one relatable guide. isn’t worth it. It puts you in a bad light www.emotionalhardbody.com I understand you might really, really as a mother and provides your ex and hate your ex right now. I’m not say- his lawyer with all kinds of fodder to ing you have to somehow magically or use against you. Related Articles instantly get over it. But you have to make sure that you don’t let your anger The headline trick can help you Breaking the News about Divorce double-cross you and start working as arrive at sensible answers even after Here’s how to minimize the damage a double agent. Every chance you get your divorce is final. If you’d feel when you break the news about your – which is pretty much every minute of embarrassed to read about the situation divorce to your friends and family. every day – make the conscious choice in the newspaper, or if there’s anything www.divorcemag.com/articles/breaking- to be better and smarter than your anger about it that seems questionable or the-news-about-your-divorce would have you be. Use your anger to makes you defensive, then it’s probably fortify, rather than weaken, your resolve a bad plan. How to Handle your Emotions to avoid making mistakes that will ben- Learn to be less reactive and more efit your ex. If at First you Don’t Succeed… in control of your emotional state during divorce. Use the Headline Trick No one gets everything right 100% www.divorcemag.com/articles/how-to- of the time. Although your success rate handle-your-emotions-during-divorce Here’s a foolproof trick that can counts, how you handle your failures help you double-check your judgment matters at least as much and perhaps

Divorce Guide | 20 divorcefinancialplanning Post-Divorce Financial Checklist

Here are 20 fi nancial “must dos” after divorce. Once you’ve completed this list, you’ll be on the right track fi nancially, and can rest assured you’ve done everything possible to take control and make the most of your fi nances.

By Robert Pagliarini, CDFA™

ewly divorced people are typi- financially. I developed this checklist to charges on credit cards or overdrafts cally concerned about their ensure nothing slips through the cracks a bank account. If there’s a balance Nfi nances: they want to make post-divorce. Once you’ve completed on an account that you can’t pay off sure they have enough money to live on this list, you should have financial immediately (credit-card charges, for now and during retirement. Even very peace of mind. example), instruct the bank or credit- wealthy people have nagging questions card company that you want to suspend and fears that keep them up at night. 1. Cancel/suspend joint accounts. the account and not allow any future If you haven’t already done so, cancel charges. Confirm that the account can- Once your divorce is final, you may and close all joint accounts you have not be re-opened or unsuspended. want a break from paperwork, lawyers, with your ex-spouse immediately. Joint or even thinking about your finances. accounts that remain open are liabili- 2. Open new accounts. Depending Although that’s a normal reaction, there ties that could come back to haunt you. on the situation, it may make sense are a few things you should consider The last thing you need is to be on to apply for new credit cards before to make sure you’re on the right track the hook after your ex-spouse runs up you cancel joint accounts. If you have

Divorce Guide | 21 assets when you pass away. Changing free credit report at www.usa.gov/ beneficiary designations is an easy pro- topics/money/credit/credit-reports/ cess that can usually be done with a bureaus-scoring.shtml (USA) or simple form. Most forms will list a pri- www.equifax.com/ecm/canada/ mary beneficiary and a contingent ben- EFXCreditReportRequestForm.pdf eficiary. If you have a new living trust, (Canada). If you see errors or other ask your estate lawyer who should be issues on the credit report, contact the listed as primary and contingent benefi- bureau immediately and get these dis- ciaries on your accounts. crepancies resolved; errors can impact your credit and cause you to pay more 4. Update your personal insur- for loans and insurance, and they can ance coverage. Contact your insur- even make it difficult for you to get a ance broker and update your automobile, new job or rent a new home. homeowner’s, and umbrella liability coverage. Pay particular attention to 8. Create a new estate plan. There’s the list of assets you scheduled on your no better time to think about your estate homeowner’s policy: it may list jewelry, plan than after a big life event like collectibles, artwork, and other valu- divorce. If you have children, you may ables your spouse received in the divorce need to update your will – but even if settlement. There is no sense in paying you don’t have children, there are many insurance premiums for assets you do estate-planning issues to consider. not own. For asset protection purposes, Update or create a power of attorney for make sure you have an umbrella liability healthcare and finances, a living will, Completing this post- policy on yourself. This is cheap asset and other documents. If you had a liv- protection and a must-have. ing trust, work with your estate lawyer divorce checklist will to create a new trust. 5. Create an emergency reserve. put you on the right After your divorce, it’s more important 9. Retitle assets in your name. Post- track financially. than ever to have a cash safety net. Set divorce, there may be many assets that aside six months of living expenses in need to be retitled. For example, if you cash in a bank account – or, because owned your house in a trust with your marginal credit and do not have an interest rates are so low, consider put- spouse, you should retitle the house in emergency reserve of cash, getting ting the money in an ultra-short-term your name personally or in the name of access to a credit card should be a pri- bond fund to get a 2% to 3% yield on a new living trust you create. ority. I’m not one who advocates using your money. credit cards, but I’ve seen what can hap- 10. Run new tax projections. pen in the short-term if someone does 6. Create an income safety net. Immediately after a divorce, work not have sufficient assets to cover their One of the most common fears I hear with your accountant and do a new tax rent, buy food, or pay for healthcare. from both men and women after a projection based on your income and Sometimes, you need a small bridge divorce is that they feel financially vul- deductions. Based on your new tax loan after a divorce while you get on nerable – that they don’t have anyone liability, you may need to change your your feet; a credit card can be that tem- to turn to if they get laid off or suffer withholding, pay more or less estimated porary bridge. And it’s not just new a financial setback. One solution is to taxes, and change your investments. credit cards you need to open: you’ll consider getting a disability and/or crit- For example, if you were in a high tax also need to open new bank accounts, ical-illness insurance policy on your- bracket with your spouse and owned investment accounts, etc. Make a list self. These policies provide you with tax-free municipals, after your divorce of the accounts you had while married a monthly “paycheck” if you become your taxes may be low enough that and seek to replace these as soon as injured or ill and cannot work, provid- you’d do better financially by selling possible. ing peace of mind that your financial the municipals and investing in taxable life will not be ruined if you suffer from bonds. Run the analysis to make sure. 3. Change beneficiaries. I cannot a long-term disability or illness. overstate the importance of changing 11. Analyze your investments. If the beneficiaries on your accounts. If 7. Check your credit score. During your spouse did the investing, you may you fail to do this, your ex-spouse could and after a divorce, you should check now own things that you aren’t famil- end up with your retirement and other your credit score. You can receive a iar with or that are not right for you.

Divorce Guide | 22 Do a thorough analysis of each invest- lawyer, insurance broker, etc., then Whew! It’s a long list, but just tackle ment to see if it is prudent and makes you’ll need to create your own team. one at a time until you’ve addressed sense for your risk tolerance and goals. Some of the professionals who assisted each of them. Completing this post- Work with an independent invest- you during your divorce may be able to divorce checklist will put you on the ment advisor to help you create a new continue helping you post-divorce; oth- right track financially – and you can rest asset allocation that’s appropriate for ers may be prohibited from doing so by assured you’ve done everything pos- you, to analyze the tax consequences their professional organizations. Ask sible to take control and make the most to sell, and to look for replacement your CDFA or family lawyer for refer- of your finances.  investments. rals, and use AdvisorFit.com to help you evaluate financial advisors you find. Robert Pagliarini (EA, 12. Create a new financial plan. CFP®, CDFA™, MS, MA) Analyze your financial situation post- 17. Update your Social Security/ is the president of Pacifica divorce so you know how much you Social Insurance card. If you change Wealth Advisors (www. should be saving for retirement, what your name after a divorce, you must pacificawealth.com), a your budget should look like, and how update your information with the gov- wealth-management firm to make the most of your new financial ernment. Americans should contact the that works with sudden- situation. Social Security Administration: https:// wealth recipients. Robert is a bestselling faq.ssa.gov/ics/support/KBAnswer.asp author and syndicated financial col- 13. Create a new budget. If you ?questionID=3749&hitOffset=24&do umnist for CBS and Forbes. For more cannot afford a full-fledged financial cID=12828. Canadians should contact information about how a CDFA pro- plan, create your own budget. List your Service Canada: www.ServiceCanada. fessional can help you with the finan- income sources (e.g., work, spousal gc.ca/eng/sin/apply/how.shtml. cial aspects of your divorce, call (800) support, child support, investments) 875-1760, or visit www.institutedfa.com. and list your new expenses. Track what 18. Check your safe deposit box. is coming and going so you can see You’d be surprised how often divorcing how much you have to save and invest couples forget about their safe deposit Related Articles and how much you have to spend on box at their bank. Remove the contents non-essentials. (if any) from your old safe deposit box Reinventing Yourself Financially and then close the account. If some of After Divorce 14. Set up a new filing system. the contents belong to your ex-spouse, Key issues you’ll want to work on Since you’ll have all new accounts, then you should leave those items and immediately with your professional policies, and documents, there is no tell your ex that he/she is now solely advisor. better time to create a new filing sys- responsible for the box. Inform the www.divorcemag.com/articles/ tem. The time you spend designing the bank that you wish to have your name reinventing-yourself-financially- system in the beginning will pay off by (and financial responsibility) removed after-divorce helping you locate things quicker and from the old box, and consider getting a The 12 Financial Pitfalls of by giving you the data and documents new one, if necessary. Divorce you need to make the best financial A bit of advance financial planning decisions. 19. Buy a new shredder. Identity can go a long way during your theft is all too common and it can cost divorce process. 15. Consider using an online bud- you thousands of dollars to resolve in www.divorcemag.com/articles/the- geting and tracking system. If you addition to countless hours. Buy a good 12-financial-pitfalls-of-divorce want to be able to see where you stand cross-cut shredder so you can destroy financially at any time, considering old credit cards, credit-card offers, and Avoiding Financial Disaster using a website such as Mint.com to other items you don’t want to fall into Some great tips to help you track your expenses, income, assets, the wrong hands. avoid the most common financial and liabilities in real time. The finan- mistakes of divorce. cial insecurity many newly-divorced 20. Strip your computer of valu- www.divorcemag.com/articles/ people feel can be lessened or elimi- able information. If you shared a avoiding-financial-disaster nated by having access to their finan- computer with your ex-spouse but are cial world at a moment’s notice. not taking it with you, use a program such as Eraser or Permanent Eraser (for 16. Hire a new financial team. If Mac) to destroy personal files and be you don’t have a relationship with an sure to delete personal information from accountant, financial advisor, estate Internet browsers.

Divorce Guide | 23 copingwithdivorce

DuringHappier and Holidays After Divorce If you’re newly separated or divorced, you may be dreading holidays. But with planning, creativity, and courage you can cope with – and even enjoy – holidays throughout the year. Here’s how.

f you’re going through a divorce or By Jane Zatylny separation, you probably haven’t even thought about the holidays. But experts stress that it’s important for people who are in transition to develop copingI strategies well in advance of the major calendar events. Holidays like Thanksgiving, Passover, Hanukkah, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve can intensify feelings of sadness, loss, and failure. For newly separated and divorced people, the holidays can really emphasize how much their lives have changed.

If you’ve spent every significant holiday with your children, being apart from them for the first time can be dev- consultant astating. Ted, a Chicago-based archi- from San tect, remembers his first Thanksgiving Diego, tried away from the kids. “I went to see a to escape her movie alone and all I could think of was loneliness and my kids around the table without me,” depression with shop- he says. “It was pretty well the lowest ping trips to local department point in my life.” stores. “I couldn’t believe my credit- card bill in January,” she says. “But the Adjusting to the holidays as a single worst part was that I kept seeing happy person without children can be just families everywhere. I couldn’t help but traditions for you and your family. Here as stressful. After her divorce, Anne wonder, ‘why can’t that be me?’” are some strategies and tips for enjoy- spent the first few Thanksgiving and ing – rather than avoiding – the upcom- Christmas holidays with her parents at Even if your life isn’t exactly where ing holiday season. their home in upstate New York. The you’d like it to be right now, the good 37-year-old legal secretary felt like she news is that we all have choices about Take a Positive Approach had regressed into a second childhood. how and where we spend our holidays. “I love my parents,” says Anne, “but Look at it as an opportunity: by being Dr. Wayne Dyer is the author of No the whole me, Mom, and Dad thing was proactive and exercising these choices, More Holiday Blues, an inspirational lit- just too much.” Roberta, a separated PR you can create new and meaningful tle book that offers positive suggestions

Divorce Guide | 24 in a quick-read format. He maintains friends and family. Let them know that people who are in transition sometimes that as adults, “we’ve come to believe you’re going to be on your own. You choose to ignore the holidays altogether. that the holiday season is really only for can’t always count on them to approach “I just couldn’t face unpacking the orna- children... thus only children can enjoy you first. People can be intimidated by ments from our first Christmas together, the holidays; adults must suffer through divorce. They may not know how to from our fifth anniversary, or from our them.” To illustrate his point, Dyer has deal with your situation, or they may be trip to Germany,” says Roberta. “I may included a chart that compares child- afraid to take sides. You’ll be surprised never be able to bring them out again.” like attitudes (“I can’t believe it’s over how receptive they’ll be once you break Fortunately, there’s no rule that says already, it seems like it just started”) to the ice. you have to keep any of the trappings “neurotic” adult attitudes (“Thank God or traditions from the past. Decide what it’s over. If it lasted one more day I’d Even though you may be apart, there works for you and what doesn’t – and have a nervous breakdown”). Sound are so many ways to communicate with edit accordingly. familiar? This year, try to recapture your children and other loved ones over some of the joy you experienced as a the holidays. Get technology on your Jamie, a divorced mother of two child during the holidays. side: send a warm text or email, call, or from Toronto, suggests that families of arrange to Skype with them. Be mind- divorce be adventurous and design new Start Planning Now ful of not infringing too much on their rituals and traditions for their families. other parent’s holiday time with the kids She turned to her Celtic heritage and Don’t wait until the week before the – especially if you’ll be seeing them developed an elaborate holiday ritual holiday to decide who gets the kids or soon. Also, make sure your text mes- centered around the “cloutie dump- to blow the dust off your address book. sage, emails, tweets, videos, Facebook ling,” a traditional Scottish cake that If you have children, it’s important to posts etc. reinforce your reputation as get some sort of communication hap- a great co-parent. This means no criti- pening with your former spouse well cizing the other parent, and no pictures in advance; if they’re old enough, get of you doing tequila shots at a swim-up the kids involved in the decision-mak- bar! (For more information about this, ing process as well. Be fair in decid- read “Managing your Reputation dur- ing where the children will spend their ing Divorce” on page 22.) time, and remember that generosity breeds generosity. Change your Expectations

There are many non-confrontational Give yourself permission to strategies you can use to navigate enjoy this holiday any way that scheduling issues for the holidays. you choose. You don’t have to You can avoid stress by planning well be lonely, even if you happen in advance and being flexible: you to be alone. “Loneliness is an can plan a fun Christmas celebration attitude that can be changed, with your kids a day before or after and aloneness is nothing more December 25 if they’ll be with your ex than a temporary absence of on the actual day. other people,” says Dr. Dyer. “If you allow yourself to indulge It will be very difficult at first not to in self-pity or fantasies of how have your children on a particular day, your holidays ought to (or used to) be so you should plan ways to avoid fall- and then permit yourself to become ing into a blue funk. If your ex has the depressed, you’ll be defeating yourself kids on a particular day, you can feel and bringing on the holiday letdown.” she used to make with her ex-husband’s lonely or seize the opportunity to have If you think you’re going to be alone great-grandmother. “Jean and I used to lunch with an old friend, book a day at over the holidays, seize the opportunity get together and make this dumpling in the spa, or lounge in a bubblebath with to do something you’ve always wanted November,” remembers Jamie. “We’d a glass of wine – whatever makes you to do. sit up until two in the morning and feel happy. she’d tell me stories of Scotland.” Your Create new Traditions cultural background is a good place If you don’t have children, or if your to start when creating new traditions. ex has them for this holiday, gather up The holiday season is steeped in “Nothing fascinates kids more than sto- your courage and reach out to your sentiment and tradition, which is why ries of your background,” says Jamie.

Divorce Guide | 25 “Through your heritage, children expe- Try giving gifts from the heart rather divorce, see “Nourishing your Stressed- rience a sense of continuity, a sense of than the mall: for instance, consider Out Brain” on page 36.) Be realistic who they are as human beings.” giving a family heirloom to your child about your diet during the holiday sea- as a gift this year. Write a card or note son. Face the fact that you’re going to There are many opportunities for about the heirloom, explaining that it have that eggnog, but try to exercise newly-single people without children, has been in the family for several gen- regularly; it really helps with your emo- or parents without custodial access, erations, and what it means to you. A tional state. to create their own traditions. Just gift of a personal belonging can have remember that it’s important to know great significance, too. Bob, an art- Be Proactive your limits. If you can’t bring yourself ist who lives in New York City, gave to join a dinner party where you know his daughter his leather backpack, a If your family or friends are not the other guests will be couples, invite worn and cherished possession that she around this holiday season, you might your friends and family to celebrate had admired for many years; she was want to consider helping out with the with you at your home. You can also thrilled with the gift. festivities at your church, synagogue, or create a new “constellation” of fam- community organization. Reaching out ily or friends for the holidays. Judy, a You might also consider supporting to a neighbor, a shut-in, or someone less mother of three from Chicago, created your favorite charities and arts orga- fortunate than yourself this holiday sea- a “friend family” by making Christmas nizations, or ordering gifts from mail- son will take courage, but it can give you dinner at her house for five of her clos- order or museum catalogues. Visit local back your sense of place in the world. est friends. merchants, buy gift certificates from a favorite restaurant or from a green- Remember that there is nothing If you belong to a support group, get house, rent an indoor skating rink for an inherently depressing about the holi- to know one another socially. If you afternoon, give concert or theater tick- days. “If you anticipate that things will find yourself in a situation where you’re ets – the options are limitless, so just be depressing, you will rarely disap- going to be alone over the holidays, you use your imagination! point yourself,” says Dr. Dyer. “You can get together with people who under- must look within yourself and resolve stand what you’re going through, even One of the best non-monetary gifts to have a positive attitude, regardless if it’s just for a walk or a cup of coffee. you can give your children is the gift of of the tasks that lie ahead of you, or the good will towards your former spouse. fullness of your holiday schedule.” This Agree to a ceasefire, at least during the year, look beyond the ghost of Christmas holidays. Past. Live in the present and plan for the future, and you’re sure to discover the If you must venture into the shop- true meaning of the holiday season.  ping mall this holiday season, try to enjoy the experience of being out in the The former Editorial Director of world – the decorations, the lights, the Divorce Magazine, Jane Zatylny is the music. Editor of British Columbia Magazine. She has first-hand experience dealing Relieve Stress with Diet and with holidays post-divorce – including Exercise negotiating their son’s holiday schedule with her ex. In her book Anxiety and Stress, Dr. Susan Clark suggests that individuals who are under major life stress gradu- Related Article ally eliminate (or at least limit) foods Handling the Holidays Make Gift-Giving more that intensify anxiety symptoms. These Here are some tips to help manage Pleasurable foods include caffeine, sugar, alcohol, this challenging time of year. food additives, dairy products, red meat www.divorcemag.com/articles/ Gifts are an integral part of the and poultry, and wheat and gluten-con- handling-the-holidays holiday season. Unfortunately, the gift- taining grains. Foods that are believed giving experience is too often accom- to have a calming effect include veg- panied by high prices, commercialism, etables, fruits, starches, legumes, whole and heavy crowds – factors that can grains, seeds and nuts, and fish. (For cause great stress for separated or more about nutrition to help you think divorced people. more clearly and be calmer during

Divorce Guide | 26 childrenanddivorce PROTECTING CHILDREN FROM CONFLICT It’s impossible to avoid conflict completely, but you can learn to control it. Here are nine useful tips for reducing the harmful effects of conflict during and after divorce. By Donald A. Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack Arbuthnot (Ph.D.)

here are several things parents can need to examine your own role in feed- want to change – but to change, they do to protect their children from ing conflict; if there’s nothing you can must learn new skills. They must learn Tconfl ict and reduce the harmful do to end the dispute, you need to struc- how to communicate without causing effects of long-term confl ict during and ture your life to decrease the violence. anger and how to listen to what is being after divorce. Some solutions require You should avoid fighting and playing said without judging. Parents need to the aid of others, including the court. A mind-games. Children copy their par- work together and cooperate for the parenting coordinator can help work out ents’ behavior: they can become aggres- child’s sake. Books or videos about a plan as well as reduce confl ict between sive and show poor control of emotions. divorce and parenting can also help, co-parents. and parenting skill classes are offered 2. Learn New Skills. Often, just in many communities. These skills will 1. Remove the Cause. Obviously, going to a class will motivate parents. help with many aspects of raising chil- this is the best course of action, but it They will learn about the harmful dren post-divorce. may require counseling or therapy. You effects of conflict. Hopefully, they’ll

Divorce Guide | 27 3. Keep Children Out of the Mid- child from conflict. The child will ben- or counselor. Mediators can also help dle. Parents need to keep their child out efit if kept out of parents’ angry argu- reduce conflict by teaching parents to of their disputes. Being caught in the ments. Co-parents should work hard to find ways to cooperate and agree. middle between Mom and Dad is very maintain their own and the other par- stressful for children: the most power- ent’s bond with the child, and they need 7. Children as a Cause of Conflict. ful reason for a child to be maladjusted to accept each other’s different values Sometimes, a child can make the fight- is conflict between the parents. Parental and parenting styles. ing between parents worse. If a child disagreements cause stress and suffer- has serious behavior problems or emo- ing in a child; children often emerge in 6. Contain Your Anger. Being cor- tional problems, it adds to the burdens good shape from low-conflict break- dial and formal will help keep your of the parents. If parents have trouble ups, and they do better than those in an emotions in check. High conflict is handling these issues, conflicts can arise intact family with high conflict. Parents usually temporary, so it is best not to or be aggravated. Of course, the child’s in conflict are poor role models, incon- decrease the child’s access to the other problems may be caused by the break- sistent with discipline, and inattentive parent; it is more harmful for a child to up or by the parents’ conflict; it can be – all of which creates stress for their lose a relationship with a parent than it difficult to know just what is causing children. Negative emotions between is for them to be exposed to conflict for what. The best solution is for the parents co-parents are carried over into their a short period of time. Decreasing con- to agree on how to deal with the child’s interactions with their children. After tact between one parent and the child problems: they need to be consistent the conflict, parents are suffering, too; can lead to complete loss of contact over across households, and they should sup- involvement with their child decreases time, and children never get over the port each other in front of the children. and they cannot respond to their child’s loss of a parent relationship – even as emotional needs. adults. There are good online programs 8. Avoid Loyalty Conflicts. Loyalty that can help, such as Children in the conflicts, where a child feels pressure 4. Control Your Emotions. Many Middle (www.divorce-education.com); to choose sides, are the most damaging parents go through regular cycles of parents can also work with a therapist aspect of parental conflict. Most parents emotion, from conflict to detachment. do not think they put their child in the Feelings of anger, frustration, and middle of their dispute, but children say resentment come and go – as do sad- that they do. Some parents criticize the ness, loneliness, and despair. Feelings child for not hating their other parent, of love, anger, and sadness have dif- or act hurt when the child wants to be ferent effects, and some parents get with their other parent. A child may not “stuck” in one of these three feelings. be allowed to talk about the other parent Parents stuck in anger may endlessly or to bring things back from the other seek revenge; those stuck in love may house. The child may be quizzed about continue to hope to reconcile; and time spent with his/her other parent or those stuck in sadness may become about the other parent’s personal life. depressed, blaming themselves for all of the problems of the marriage. A child will try to resolve loyalty Parents need to learn to use non-violent conflicts in several ways, including: language; most people respond well • having a separate but equal connec- when given a positive message (some- tion with each parent thing to do) and poorly when given a • trying to get the parents to be nice to negative message (not to do some- each other thing). Nonviolent Communication, • acting out, getting into trouble, or by Marshall Rosenberg, explains this getting sick strategy (see the Center for Nonviolent • becoming angels Communication at www.cnvc.org). • retreating from both parents and Good communication skills enable par- Parents in conflict are turning to their peers ents to react less emotionally in tense poor role models, • seeking comfort in alcohol, drugs, situations. or risky sex. inconsistent with discipline, 5. Prepare for Long-Term Conflict. and inattentive – all of Being caught in the middle is too Disputes continue for a long time post- which creates stress great a burden for most children. The divorce for most families, so parents video, Children in the Middle, teaches should develop a plan that shields the for their children. parents to reduce the number of loyalty

Divorce Guide | 28 conflicts and the number of times the child is exposed to their arguments. The TIPS FOR KEEPING KIDS OUT OF THE MIDDLE child learns to speak up when caught in the middle of parental disputes. • A child should not carry messages between parents. 9. Arguing Constructively. It is impossible to avoid conflict com- • A child should not hear you “trash” or “put down” their other parent. pletely, but you can learn to control it. Controlled conflict often leads to posi- • Do not ask the child to confront the other parent about money issues. tive, constructive changes. Parents can learn to manage conflict, learn to com- • Do not quiz the child about the other parent’s private life. promise, and become more effective parents. When they do this, their child’s • Do not burden a child with parents’ emotional needs and weaknesses. behavior improves.  • Do not force a child to choose which parent attends special events. This article was (In most cases, both should attend.) adapted with permis- sion from What About • Do not threaten that a child will not have access to one of their the Children? A Simple parents. Guide For Divorced/ Separated And Divorcing Parents (CDE, eighth edi- tion, 2011) by Donald A. TIPS FOR ARGUING CONSTRUCTIVELY Gordon (Ph.D.) and Jack Arbuthnot (Ph.D.). Based in Athens, OH, the Center for Divorce Education • Let out only part of your anger. (CDE) is a non-profit corporation founded in • Don’t heap one stored-up frustration on another. Strong hostility will 1987 by a consortium of attorneys and be returned. psychologists. The CDE is dedicated to advocating for children and helping par- • Don’t hold all your anger in; it will come out in other ways. Instead, ents to minimize the harmful effects that tell your ex what you are angry about. divorce and separation has on children. www.divorce-education.com ○ Tell them in the form of an “I” message and ask for a change. For example, sometimes the other parent is late with the child. Related Articles You might say, “I feel worried when you don’t call if you’re going to be late. I’d like you to be on-time in the future, or call me if a Five Ways to Keep Children Out of late arrival can’t be avoided.” Conflict During your Divorce It’s never too late to do the right • Avoid name-calling and blame. Instead, say what you want or need. thing if you have fought in front of your children. • Resolve arguments. Apologize or compromise so the anger www.divorcemag.com/articles/5- subsides. ways-to-keep-children-out-of- conflict-during-your-divorce • A child benefits from seeing conflict resolved through talking; they will learn to do the same in their lives. Best Practices to Make Divorce Easier on the Children • When conflict is resolved out of the child’s view, explain the solution 18 tips to help make divorce easier to them. Children need to see conflict be resolved (or at least hear for your children. about the resolution). This will help erase the negative effects of the www.divorcemag.com/articles/ best-practices-to-make-divorce- conflict. easier-on-the-children

Divorce Guide | 29 childrenanddivorce

All children of divorce suffer hen Linda and Steve decided part for me is watching my bright, happy- some emotional pain as to divorce, they worried go-lucky son turn into a moody, angry a result of their parents’ Wabout how their eight-year- little boy.” old daughter Shannon would react to split: minor for some, and the news. They quickly and amicably You’d probably agree that Sammy – all-consuming for others. fi nalized the divorce to avoid dragging and probably his parents – need some Here’s how to recognize their child through an emotional battle- counseling to help him adjust to his par- ground. To keep her life from having ents’ divorce. You’d probably also agree the warning signs that your too many major upheavals at one time, that Shannon is every divorcing parent’s kids are not coping well. they decided that Shannon and Linda dream: a child who seems to accept her would remain in the family home while parents’ divorce with little or no fuss. Steve moved to an apartment across However, while Sammy might seem as town. Steve and Linda hoped that if her if he’s headed to detention hall for life, school routine and social connections Shannon may be the one who’s more in weren’t disrupted, the transition to a new need of counselling. family situation would be easier on her emotionally. Generally speaking, children of divorce fall into three basic categories: Eight months later, Shannon seems 1. “Angels” (who hope that their par- to have adjusted well to the divorce. ents will get back together if they’re “Sometimes, I think Shannon is coping on their best behavior) with our new living arrangements bet- 2. “Devils” (who are acting out to draw ter than I am,” says Linda. “She never attention to themselves and to give causes a problem for either me or her their parents a common cause: fixing father. In fact, she seems more help- the kid’s problems) ful around the house than before the 3. “Normal Kids” (who keep their divorce – I never have to remind her to heads down, don’t ask questions, clean her room anymore, for example, don’t act up during or immediately or that it’s her turn with the dishes.” after the divorce).

Jennifer wishes she were half as Parents often overlook kids in the lucky with her eight-year-old son, third category because they want to Sammy. She and her ex-husband’s believe that their kids are fine with the divorce proceedings mirror those divorce. However, some of these kids of Linda and Steve, yet Sammy’s could be in either shock or denial: they reaction to the divorce is almost don’t know what to say, so they don’t say the exact opposite of Shannon’s. anything. They maybe like slow-burning “I can’t seem to reach Sammy,” fuses that blow up eventually. By Teri Morrison says Jennifer. “His grades are slipping in school, he lashes out Of course, there are exceptions. Some at both me and his father over kids are more resilient than others, and the smallest things, and he often with love and support from and fre- refuses to do his chores. The hardest quent access to both parents (who have

Divorce Guide | 30 established a cooperative, respectful co- understand the difference between nor- as stomach or headaches, sleep prob- parenting relationship), they cope with mal and problematic behaviors. lems, eating disorders, or alcohol or divorce really well. drug abuse. Discipline problems are usually “Normal” Adjustment what spur parents to seek professional If a child internalizes his or her feel- help for their kids. These problems can ings about the divorce, then it’s much Experts say that it should take about stem from your child’s inability to sort more difficult to know if he or she is a year for children to come to terms with out his/her feelings or to adjust to the having problems coping. In fact, a child their parents’ divorce; they may still divorce – or it might just mean that your in this situation may not show any out- have feelings of sadness or anger, but child lacks good coping skills. A child’s ward signs of trouble until years later. they should be coping well with those bad behavior can result from fear, hos- In cases like this, a school teacher, guid- feelings. Although the progression will tility, or insecurity, and it’s a sign that ance counselor, family doctor – someone vary depending on their ages, by the your child needs more positive atten- your child likes and trusts – may have end of the first year after the divorce, tion. Children who don’t receive posi- more luck than you in trying to discern your children should have: tive parental attention try for any kind what’s really going on with your child. • dealt with their feelings of loss due of attention, even if it’s negative: they to the divorce would rather misbehave and get yelled Helping Children Cope • dealt with any feelings that they at than not get any attention at all. were rejected or deserted by one of While some children make it through their parents Any extreme deviation from a child’s their parents’ divorce relatively eas- • accepted that the family will no lon- normal behavior may be a sign that he ily, others can feel the after-effects of a ger be living together or she has been affected by the divorce: divorce for months and even years later, • accepted that you won’t be reuniting wild behavior in a previously quiet suffering socially, emotionally, and aca- with their other parent child, or a once-sociable child who now demically. The reasons some children • removed themselves from adult refuses to come out of his or her room, cope better than others are as varied conflicts for example. as the children themselves. However, • returned to a normal interest in research indicates that the lasting effects themselves and their activities Although you shouldn’t wait forever of divorce on children usually occur • stopped blaming themselves for the to seek professional help, if their adjust- when a divorce is particularly difficult. divorce. ment problems aren’t severe, you should If parents are fighting and are filled with give your kids six months to a year to get anger and hurt, they generally don’t sup- If you moved as a result of the over the divorce. ply their kids with the kind of consistent divorce, they should have: care they need – especially at emotion- • adjusted to your new home and their Consider seeking professional help if ally trying times. new school, and have made some your child is: new friends. • doing uncharacteristically badly in The best way to help your children school for three or four months, even cope is to agree to keep the hostility and When to Get Help after you’ve consulted his or her bitterness to a minimum before, during, teachers and/or school counselors and after the actual divorce proceedings. One bad grade on a school test doesn’t • losing friends because he or she is Reassure them that although there are mean you need to make an appointment acting in an unusually aggressive going to be changes in their lives, the with a family counselor. Not all of your manner changes won’t all be bad. kid’s problems are going to be a result of • showing uncharacteristic, intense your divorce: one temper tantrum, one anger towards others; this could be You can’t force your kids to feel fight at school, or one incident of bed- anything from temper tantrums to happy, and you shouldn’t try to short- wetting isn’t necessarily linked directly overreacting in minor situations circuit their grieving process. Provided to the divorce. These kinds of things • developing prolonged mood swings with support, love, and consistent care, can happen to any child in any family that range from extreme hostility to most children eventually adjust to situation. So before you start panicking extreme affection divorce by themselves.  that your child has become psychologi- • showing unrestrained grieving for an cally damaged for life, Google “normal absent parent or for “the way things Related Article child psychological development” and used to be” How Counselling Helps Kids read some relevant articles. Then go • showing other radical changes in Strategies for alleviating a child’s to www.DivorceMagazine.com and behavior, such as truancy or fighting feelings of fear and insecurity. search the “Divorce and Children” cat- at school, cheating, lying, or stealing www.divorcemag.com/articles/how- egory; these resources will help you • developing physical ailments, such counselling-helps-kids

Divorce Guide | 31 healthandwell-being Nourishing your Stressed-Out Brain These nutritional tips can help you think more clearly and make better decisions as you navigate your divorce.

here are hundreds of studies that can actually continue to grow show the effects of stress on our neurons throughout your life in Tbodies and our brains. Humans response to the right stimulation – are innately capable of handling a including what you feed it. Your single stressful incident without much brain’s favorite food? Glucose. residual effect on long-term health – but what about the chronic stress that Glucose? Isn’t that Sugar? comes as part of the lead-up to and aftermath of a divorce? Your brain is a sugar-hog and demands a steady stream of car- A Yale University research team bohydrates (which metabolize into has proven that stressful life events glucose) in order to keep it running can change the shape and size of criti- smoothly. But that doesn’t mean By Trish Krause cal regions in the brain that help us that gobbling candy bars on the run navigate emotional situations, make between meetings or while chauffeur- refined a grain is, the less fiber it will decisions, and retain important infor- ing kids to soccer practice will give have in it, and the faster it will spike mation. You can see how that could be you what you need to stay sharp. When your blood sugar – something you want a problem when you’re in the midst of levels of sugar in the blood fluctuate, to avoid to keep your brain healthy. maneuvering through a breakup. the brain doesn’t get its steady fuel supply, and behavior and decision- TIP: An apple dipped in some nut But the good news is that the brain making becomes more erratic. Your butter is a portable on-the-go snack is elastic, and even a stressed-out brain brain performs best without the highs that will help level your blood sugar. can re-form and re-shape itself if given and lows, and that means choosing So is a handful of almonds, a cup of the right raw materials – meaning the right carbohydrates to avoid those yogurt, or some raw veggies with nutrient-dense foods that feed these spikes and crashes. hummus. critical brain cells. To ensure sustained release, never Is Fish Really Brain Food? That’s why taking time to plan and skip a meal. Eating something small include the right foods in your diet every three hours is critical. Choose Mom was right: eating fish can during this taxing time can make such carbs from whole foods: vegetables, make you smarter! Feeding your brain a critical difference in your coping fruits, nuts, beans and legumes, or with the right fats can strengthen the skills today and your ability to thrive fiber-rich grains found in oats or qui- synapses related to memory as well post-divorce. noa. Whole-wheat products can be a as nourish the membranes of the good choice, but read the labels care- brain cells, keeping them supple and First, a little brain anatomy: your fully to ensure that it’s 100% whole strong so they can keep out toxins. brain, which weighs about three wheat and not a product that’s mostly This is crucial during the divorce pounds, is nearly 60% fat. Your brain made of refined wheat flour. The more process, when you need to make so

Divorce Guide | 32 many decisions that will affect the Turkey, chicken, salmon, yogurt, your daily bite of dark chocolate as rest of your life in such a short period eggs, and cacao are all good sources long as it’s made from raw cacao and of time. of tryptophan. For those who prefer is at least 70-85% cacao.  to eat a plant-strong diet, dark leafy Fatty cold-water fish such as greens – such as kale, spinach, and Trish Krause (CNP, salmon, mackerel, herring, cod, or hal- chard – as well as mushrooms, pump- NNCP) is a certified holis- ibut are excellent sources of omega-3 kin or sunflower seeds will also feed tic nutritionist. She spe- fatty acids. Studies have shown that your neurotransmitters. cializes in teaching busy, people with high levels of omega-3s stressed-out people how reduce their risk of dementia and slow TIP: Chocolate can indeed help to to navigate their nutrition mental decline, so plan to eat fish at calm a stressed-out brain. It contains a journey while juggling least three times a week for optimal compound called theobromine, which the demands of families, work, and life brain health. increases blood flow – exactly what at Bite Out of Life Nutrition & Lifestyle a hard-working brain needs. So enjoy Coaching. www.bite-out-of-life.com You can also find omega-3s in wal- nuts and flax seeds; use the oils as salad dressing or stir-ins to yogurt or SNACK SMART WHEN UNDER PRESSURE smoothies, or grind the flax seeds and include them in baked goods, meat- loaf, or oatmeal. Both cauliflower and Don’t let stressful times drive you to Directions: Brussels sprouts also contain very the chips and chocolate cupboard and good levels of omega-3s. derail your health. If you’re searching • Preheat the oven to 450F and line a for a snack, this one is fast, easy, and baking sheet with parchment paper. TIP: Just a quarter-cup of raw will satisfy you whether you have a • Mix cinnamon, salt, and sugar in a walnuts a day will give you your daily sweet tooth or a salty or crispy craving. bowl. requirement of omega-3s. • Toss the chickpeas in the melted Sweet and Salty Chickpea coconut oil and add the seasonings. The Building Blocks of Calm “Popcorn” Toss to coat evenly. • Spread the chickpeas out evenly on Staying calm through the pro- Makes 2 cups, 4 servings the baking sheet. cess of working out divorce details • Bake for 20 minutes, stirring/shaking can be a challenge. Proteins in your Ingredients: the pan once halfway through to avoid diet can greatly affect your ability burning. to stay even-keeled because they’re • 1 (19 fl oz) can organic chickpeas, • When ready, the chickpeas should be made up of amino acids from which drained, rinsed, and patted dry golden and mostly crisp. Note: you neurotransmitters are made. These • 1/2 tsp ground cinnamon may need to bake a little longer as neurotransmitters are biochemical • 2 tsp coconut oil (melted) some chickpeas are more moist than messengers that carry signals from • 1/2 tsp sea salt (you can use others. one part of the brain to another – for regular salt if you can’t find this) • Keep in a paper bag no more than two cognition, reasoning, creativity, prob- • 1/2 tsp coconut sugar days – they start to soften. However, lem solving, etc. The more you nour- you can re-crisp them under a low ish these neurotransmitters, the better broiler for 1-2 minutes. your judgment will be when it comes to analysing the financial data and facts about your divorce. Related Articles One particular amino acid – trypto- Beating Stress – Before it Beats You phan – is especially critical. Tryptophan Divorce is one of the most stressful life events you can experience, but there are is a precursor to serotonin, the hormone some valuable remedies you can use to reduce your anxiety levels. that helps keep us calm, balanced, and www.divorcemag.com/articles/beating-stress-before-it-beats-you happy. Given the emotionally-charged scenario of most divorce negotiations, Stress Busters staying calm under pressure is impera- Here are ten easy ways to combat stress during divorce. tive if you want to make the best deci- www.divorcemag.com/articles/stress-busters sions for your future.

Divorce Guide | 33 Join Your Divorce Community Dispute Resolution / Continued from page 11 and discovery, and assuming any side from getting expert other responsibilities otherwise han- advice, there are times dled by a divorce lawyer. Ayou may want to connect with real people who are going Many people who opt for self-repre- through or recently fi nalized their sentation do so for the financial benefit own divorce. You can vent, ask of avoiding lawyer fees and to maintain questi ons, get support, share your complete control of their case; however, thoughts, insights, and ti ps, or even pro se parties face risks not shared by inspire others through your own their represented peers. In addition to divorce story. If this sounds like you, the extra stress of representing yourself join the Divorce Magazine Commu- at court appearances, you may struggle nity online, where you can connect to understand the tax and legal impli- with divorcing people 24/7 through cations of a property settlement, and the following: may also fail to grasp the long-term consequences of the support agreement you’re negotiating. Pensions and retire- ment accounts are high-value marital Divorce Blog assets, some of which have complex www.BlogsOnDivorce.com rules about how – or even if – they can This blog features a wide range of be divided requiring expert advice and bloggers who are seasoned divorce pro- assistance. fessionals, including divorce lawyers, therapists, and financial advisors. Read If your divorce is straightforward, and comment on their posts. uncontested, you have no children or significant assets, and you are capable Divorce Magazine on Facebook of doing thorough research and court www.facebook.com/divorcemagazine preparation without assistance, pro se Join us on facebook where you’ll get representation may be an appropri- daily posts from Divorce Magazine. We’ll ate option for you. However, if your introduce you to some useful articles, divorce involves child custody or sup- and you can engage in conversations port, spousal support, significant prop- with other divorcing people and divorce erty or pension division, then pro se is professionals. probably not the right choice for you. 

Divorce Magazine on Twitter Emily Bauer is a staff writer at www.twitter.com/divorcemagazine Divorce Magazine. Follow Divorce Magazine on Twitter and get the latest divorce news as well as inspirational quotes that will help you Related Article through this difficult transition. Ten Reasons to Try Mediation Marriage and Separation A checklist of reasons why working www.MarriageAndSeparation.com with a trained mediator can often A one-of-a-kind social network where help take some of the “sting” out of married, separated, and recently your divorce. single people support and inspire one www.divorcemag.com/articles/ten- another to thrive! A place for you to reasons-to-try-mediation find divorce professionals coming together and sharing their advice and For more information about these experience. dispute-resolution methods, visit www.DivorceMagazine.com.

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