In his seminal work, Mindfulness: A Jewish Approach, my esteemed Talmid, Dr. Jonathan Feiner, has pioneered a breakthrough in the field of Jewish Torah Psychology. By developing a system of Torah based mindfulness, Dr. Feiner has given the Jewish psychologist and patient tools with which to achieve complete emotional health using mindfulness in a totally acceptable Torah way. This in itself is a vitally important contribution to our community. But, more than that, the book is a must read for every Torah Jew who can learn an incredible amount of Torah, Musar, and Hashkafa so necessary for spiritual growth in our daily lives and for coping with life’s challenges. There are wonderful exercises for us to implement these concepts as well. I therefore highly recommend this book for all to read, study, and to use as a vital guide to achieve a healthy Torah life. With blessing for health and Torah,

Rabbi Hershel Reichman Rosh Yeshiva, RIETS

Table of Contents

Foreword ...... XI Acknowledgments ...... XVIII Introduction ...... 1

PART I Foundations

Chapter 1: What Is Mindfulness? ...... 11 Chapter 2: Judaism and Mindfulness — Meeting Points ...... 18 Chapter 3: The Beginner’s Mind ...... 31 Chapter 4: Discovering the Self ...... 38 Chapter 5: Being and Doing — Part I...... 44 Chapter 6: Being and Doing — Part II ...... 52

PART II The Value of Being Present

Chapter 7: Mindful Relationships ...... 63 Chapter 8: Patience and Tolerance ...... 72 Chapter 9: FOMO and Contentment ...... 79 Chapter 10: Self-Regulation ...... 84 Chapter 11: Can You Be Too Mindful? ...... 92

IX X Mindfulness

PART III Meaning in the Now

Chapter 12: Mindful of God’s World ...... 99 Chapter 13: Mindfulness and Mitzvos ...... 109 Chapter 14: Mindfulness and Prayer ...... 116 Chapter 15: Mindfulness and Talmud Torah ...... 130

PART IV Looking Inward

Chapter 16: Teshuvah ...... 141 Chapter 17: Quiet ...... 149 Chapter 18: Authenticity and Wholeness ...... 156 Chapter 19: Faith and Humility ...... 164 Chapter 20: Rabbi Akiva — A Mindful Model ...... 173

Conclusion ...... 179 P A R T I Foundations

CHAPTER 1 What Is Mindfulness?

common definition of mindfulness is the process of attending to present-moment experience in a nonjudg- mental way.1 Or, to put it simply, one author noted that A the essence of mindfulness is to “notice X.” The “X” we are noticing can be anything in the present moment: bodily sensa- tions, a thought, a flower, or a loved one.2 However, to convey the essence of mindfulness, we must move beyond words. It must be experienced. Therefore, try to set aside five minutes for the following exercise. You may be tempted to merely read the following paragraph or jump to the next idea. Notice that temptation. Notice the desire to move forward and the difficulty in slowing down. Try to contain the innate desire to “accomplish” or

1 Scott R. Bishop, Mark Lau, Shauna Shapiro, Linda Carlson, Nicole D. Anderson, James Carmody, Zindel V. Segal, et al., “Mindfulness: A proposed operational definition.” Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 11, no. 3 (2004): 230–241. In addition to the operational definition of mindfulness, Lee Baer and his colleagues at the University of Kentucky conceptualized five different components of mindfulness: the ability to observe experience, describe, detach, love oneself, and act mindfully. 2 Russ Harris, ACT Made Simple: Second Edition (New Harbinger, 2019), 40–41. 11 12 Mindfulness finish. Try to spend a few minutes paying attention to what is occur- ring in this moment. Try to pay attention to your current experience.

Let’s begin by observing the breath. Notice how it goes in and out. Bring your attention to your diaphragm while you breathe in and out. Notice the way the air feels entering and leaving your body. See if you can stay with the breath for a minute. Next, try to pay attention to other areas of your body. Slowly, ob- serve each body part from you heart to your toes. Notice if there are any specific areas of discomfort. The goal of this exercise is not to get rid of any discomfort — it is merely to notice what is occurring. If you are experiencing tension somewhere in the body, see if you can pay a little more attention to it. Notice if the sensation changes or moves when you are more aware of it. Next, see if you can shift your attention to noticing the different sounds in the room. Most of these sounds were occurring before you paid direct attention to them, yet, upon slowing down and noticing them, they become more profound. Similarly, whatever we are paying attention to will usually become more profound as we notice it more. After a minute of observing sounds, try to notice a different noise. Try to observe the noise of the mind — your thoughts. Imagine there is a cloud above your head containing your thoughts. Notice the stream of thoughts as they flow through your mind. Notice how certain thoughts may have an emotional charge. As certain thoughts show up, you may feel different in your body. There is no “correct” way to do this exercise. This exercise is about sitting and noticing. If your mind wanders and you stop noticing, that is OK; gently and compassionately, bring your attention back. Note: Although mindfulness can result in relaxation, this is not the goal. It is not a relaxation exercise; it is an awareness exercise. In fact, there may even be moments of discomfort when doing such an exercise because it can make you more aware of your unpleasant thoughts and sensations. As we will soon discuss, this does not defeat the purpose of the exercise. What Is Mindfulness? 13

After practicing the above exercise, you may ask: What is the point of this? The simple answer is that there is considerable research demonstrating the many benefits of mindfulness, such as managing depression and anxiety, enhancing relationship satisfaction, and improving control of emotional reactivity.3 Indeed, mindfulness is helpful. However, why is it helpful? There is no definitive answer, but we can explore possible mechanisms. MINDFULNESS OFFERS DISTANCE Being mindful assists in not taking thoughts too literally. For most of life, we have become accustomed to trusting the mind. For exam- ple, if the mind says, “This person doesn’t like me,” we can easily believe the thought — even if it’s not true. We shouldn’t always trust our thoughts. The mind can distort reality. As I was teaching one of my daughters how to ride a bike, I ini- tially held on to the back of the bike and eventually let go. Without realizing that I’d already let go, she said, “Don’t let go, I can’t ride without you.” Even as she was saying that she cannot ride without me, she was riding without me. The mind can tell us we cannot do something, and we can still do it. Upon being mindful of thoughts, we obtain a distance that en- ables us to view them more objectively. We can recognize that our thoughts are not necessarily reflective of reality. Holding thoughts and feelings in awareness prevents them from controlling us. For ex- ample, one person may be thinking, “I am such a failure and cannot succeed at anything.” In contrast, someone else may say, “Right now I am having the thought, I am a failure. This thought shows up every now and then, but I don’t need to listen to it.” The latter is able to notice the thought without being consumed by it.

3 Davis and Hayes, “What Are the Benefits of Mindfulness?” Psychotherapy 48, no. 2 (2011): 198. 14 Mindfulness

This idea is beautifully described by Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. He writes:

When emotion is raised to the level of experience, we gain the upper hand or control over our own emotions. We acquire the freedom to integrate feelings or to disown them, putting them at a distance from us.4

The very awareness of thoughts and emotions creates a distance between us and our experience. Developing this distance decreases emotional reactivity and frees us from the control of thoughts and feelings. When mindful, we are saved from drowning in the waves of the sea of emotions. We are able to compassionately notice the waves from the safety of the shore. As you read this, try to take a moment and notice the mind. Notice where it is going. Notice how quickly we are pulled into the waves of the mind. INCREASING ATTENTION TO THE PRESENT MOMENT A second explanation of how mindfulness improves well-being can be explained with the following exercise.

Look at the palm of your hand. See if you can notice the different shades of colors, the lines in your hand, the lines within the lines, and any other interesting features. Observe how something as simple as the hand can be so beautiful.

As you were observing your hand, were you engulfed in worries? Were you thinking about your life struggles? Most people report that when they are observing their hand, they are not absorbed in their painful thoughts and feelings — they are absorbed in their hand.

4 Joseph B. Soloveitchik, Out of the Whirlwind: Essays on Mourning, Suffering and the Human Condition (KTAV Publishing House, 2003), vol. 3, p. 168. What Is Mindfulness? 15

When we fully attend to the present moment, the other noises of life don’t take up as much space; they may still be there, but they are not as consuming. Additionally, being present will usually lead to greater efficiency in whatever we are doing and also increase our enjoyment in the current moment. For example, when I am more present with my children, I will be a better father and I will also enjoy the time more. Mindfulness can help us learn to be more present to what is actually in front of us and less in the noise of the past and future — more in the now and less in the mind. MAKING SPACE FOR EMOTIONS Another understanding of how mindfulness improves well-being is that it increases tolerance of uncomfortable emotions. Some refer to it as emotional exposure. As humans, we don’t like pain; therefore, the immediate response is to try to get rid of it. This can backfire. In many cases, trying to suppress uncomfortable emotions leads to feeling worse.5 Additionally, the effort to rid ourselves of pain can become more cumbersome than the pain itself. It’s like when you are bothered by a buzzing fly in the room. The effort to catch the fly requires more energy than learning to sit with the annoyance of the buzzing. When we allow ourselves to stay with an unpleasant emo- tion, we’ll often see that it becomes more manageable. It also allows the body to process pain in a healthy way.6

5 Laura Campbell-Sills, David H. Barlow, Timothy A. Brown, and Stefan G. Hofmann, “Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxi- ety and mood disorders,” Behaviour Research and Therapy 44, no. 9 (2006): 1251–1263. 6 There is a growing literature on the importance of allowing the body to physically pro- cess pain, e.g., Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma (Penguin Books, 2015). As a clinical psychologist, I am often asked why there is an increase in the prevalence of depressive and anxiety disorders. Although there is no absolute answer to this question, one possibility may be that previous gener- ations had fewer distractions, and therefore, when people were in emotional pain, they were forced to stay with it for longer periods of time. This enabled them to process the pain in a healthy manner. Nowadays, when someone is in pain, there are many different 16 Mindfulness

There are times when we convince ourselves that we cannot move forward in life until our pain goes away. One may say, “I cannot speak in public until I get rid of anxiety,” “I cannot study until I am in a better mood,” “I cannot be a good mother if I am feeling down,” etc. This does not need to be the case. We can feel the pain and still move forward. It may be more difficult, but it is possible. A common metaphor used to describe how mindfulness helps manage thoughts and feelings is to think of someone driving a bus with different pas- sengers. Even if the passengers are screaming and telling the driver to go in a certain direction, it is ultimately up to the driver to decide where he wants to go.7 Similarly, we can slowly learn to treat our thoughts and feelings like passengers. They may be disturbing, but they are not in control. We can learn to make space for them and move forward with doing what is important to us. 8 SO, WHAT IS MINDFULNESS? With all this in mind, let us return to the original question: What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is paying attention. Paying attention to what is happening in this very moment. Observing what is occurring within and without. It is about eating an apple and noticing the way it feels traveling through the mouth and into the body. It is about spending

ways that they can distract themselves from it. Distraction can hinder the natural heal- ing process. 7 Steven Hayes, Kirk Strosahl, and Kelly Wilson, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change (New York: Guilford, 1999), 157–158. 8 Throughout the book, we will review this idea of making space for experiences. This is different than how some would define acceptance. Acceptance has a connotation of be- ing OK with something. However, we are often not OK with having unpleasant thoughts and emotions — we don’t want them. Making space is about being willing to sit with our experiences for something greater. We can even learn to make space for the part of us that doesn’t want to have this thought and feeling. What Is Mindfulness? 17 time with those close to us and fully attending to their words and emotions. It is about observing our own emotions. Mindfulness is also a way of being. It is a state in which we are able to create distance from our thoughts and sensations and not take them too seriously. As we become more aware of what is in front of us in the present, we can more easily treat thoughts as noises in the back- ground. The noise may be annoying, but it doesn’t need to prevent us from living to the fullest right now. Being present entails facing and accepted reality. When we are able to “be” with what is, we are less troubled with what should be. When we are less consumed with what should be, we are able to appreciate what is. At times, being present is challenging, especially when emotions are intense. Therefore, it is helpful to practice even when we think it’s unnecessary. For example, most baseball players will practice swinging a bat before the actual game so that when the crucial moment arrives, they are better prepared. Similarly, setting aside time to practice mind- fulness will assist in being mindful when we may need it most. If we do not apply that which we practice to how we live, we are missing the point. As I was reading a parenting book, my daughter wanted to show me something. I was about to say, “I’m sorry, can you wait until I finish the paragraph?” Luckily, I caught myself. It’s OK to ask a child to wait a few moments, but if I am asking my child to wait so I can read how to be a better parent, then I’m confusing the means and the goal. Similarly, if in reading (or writing) this book, I am pulled away from behaving according to my values, then I am missing the point. If I am not able to apply mindfulness to eating, driving, speaking to people, and prayer, then I am not reaping the full benefits of the time spent cultivating mindfulness. Mindfulness is more than a good practice; it is a way of life. A way of living that assists in becoming a better person — and a better Jew. CHAPTER 2 Judaism and Mindfulness — Meeting Points

here is mindfulness found in Judaism? Everywhere. For some, the term “mindfulness meditation” may be met with reluctance. Perhaps this is because Wit is often attributed to having origins in Eastern re- ligions. Yet, mindfulness is not only consistent with Jewish practice; it is at the very heart of Judaism. It is not some external concept or addendum. It is part of the very fabric of Jewish living. Still, since there are many versions of mindfulness around today, we must clarify where a Jewish conceptualization may conflict or converge with those other understandings. As we do, please consider the following points: • Any attempt to clarify the differences of a construct between two cultures can lead to questioning whether we are ad- dressing the same construct. For example, after recognizing the numerous differences between Jewish prayer and other forms, one may question whether both should be referred to by the same word, prayer. Similarly, in clarifying a Jewish

18 Judaism and Mindfulness — Meeting Points 19

value of mindfulness, we may question whether we should still be using the same term. Nevertheless, for the sake of clarity, we’ll use the term mindfulness to describe the Jewish value of being aware in the present moment and its various corollaries. • Although this book is meant to be a practical guide, you may find this chapter a little more theoretical than the rest of the book. Still, I believe that the following ideas are helpful in setting the foundation for the rest of the book and pro- vide a greater appreciation for a Jewish approach toward mindfulness. BALANCING THE PRESENT AND FUTURE One of the challenges with the mind is that it wanders to other places. Staying in the present moment is difficult because we are often thinking about the past or future. How does Judaism approach this tension of dividing our limited resources between the past, present, and future? Let us examine the following passage from Avos (2:9):

[Rabbi Yochanan] said to them: “Which is the proper path to which man should cling?” … Rabbi Shimon says: “He who sees the nolad [i.e., that which is being born].”

In examining the language of the Mishnah, it is important to no- tice Rabbi Shimon’s choice of the nolad as opposed to “ha’asid — the future.” Nolad denotes something which is being born, that which is currently in existence.1 We should focus our resources on the present moment. There is no value in focusing on a future beyond our con- trol. This concept is clarified in the commentary of Rabbi Shimon Bar Tzemach Doron, the Rashbatz, on this Mishnah:

1 This idea can also be understood from Rambam’s commentary on Avos, where he states: “Seeing the nolad is learning from what is now to what will be.”