A Woman's Handbook

a woman’s handbook a practical guide to discussing relationship abuse table of contents “I want to stress how terribly important the 3 letter of introduction role was that my friends and coworkers 4–5 what is relationship abuse? played. True, I got support from the 6–8 a friend in need counselors at the abused women’s shelter. 8–11 teen violence But it had even more impact on me when 12–13 family ties other people in my life gave me the same 14–17 it’s everyone’s business messages: that there was no excuse for 18 planning for safety my ex-husband’s behavior—not our 19–20 women’s resource guide financial situation, nor being unhappy at school, nothing gave him cause to hit me. I never thought I would enjoy life as much as I do now, unhindered by the constant threat of violence.” —Karen dear friend, Your sister looks at the clock and you see a panicked look cross her face. She says she is late to meet her husband, and she has to get home—now! Your coworker usually does good work, but lately her performance has been spotty. Her boyfriend calls her every morning “just to make sure she got to work okay,” and she always seems jumpy and nervous. Your best friend has a bruise on her wrist—again. This time she says she knocked it against a door. With one in four American women reporting that they have been physically abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, domestic violence might be closer than you think. Nearly one third of all Americans say they know a woman who has been 1 physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year. Relationship abuse is a leading cause of injury to women. It sends thousands of women to emergency rooms every year, traumatizes 3 children who witness their mothers being beaten by men who are supposed to love them, and takes a toll on every one of us. The good news is that relationship abuse is a problem we can solve. This handbook was created to help you understand relationship abuse and give you some simple steps you can take to help stop it. It’s not hard to help. In fact, it’s very easy. All it takes is overcoming your own discomfort with talking about a taboo subject and reaching out to someone who really needs your friendship and support. Just by letting your friend, family member or coworker know that you care about what is happening to her, you can help a woman who feels isolated, abandoned and alone realize that she has options and make her feel safe and supported. You don’t need to have all the answers—we’ve provided a list of resources for that. It’s more important that you let her know you care. Thank you for taking your first steps toward stopping relationship violence. Paul R. Charron Esta Soler Chairman and Chief Executive Officer Executive Director Liz Claiborne Inc. Family Violence Prevention Fund what is relationship abuse? Everyone has experienced tension in their relationships. Relationship abuse is not a disagreement, an anger management problem or a relationship “with ups and downs.” Relationship abuse, or domestic violence, is a pattern of violent behaviors that adults or adolescents use against their intimate part- ners. Abuse can cause injury and even death, but it “I wanted someone to ask me doesn’t have to be physical. Domestic violence also about the abuse. I couldn’t ask includes sexual, verbal and emotional abuse, as for help. I was ashamed.” well as economic control over another person. —Julie Relationship abuse can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or just dating. It affects people of all educational backgrounds and income levels. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that more than 90 percent of all victims of domestic violence are women and 2 4 most perpetrators are men. Because of this, this handbook uses she 5 when referring to victims and he when referring to abusers. ten warning signs of an abusive relationship Relationship abuse is a What do you do if you think your friend or family member is in an crime, just like robbery or rape. If abusive relationship, but you’re not sure? Go with your instincts—you 7. You see him violently lose his temper, you see or hear an assault in progress, probably wouldn’t be concerned without reason. Here are some signs striking or breaking objects. call 911. If you are outside when you to look for that might indicate an abusive relationship: 8. She often has unexplained injuries, or see a woman being assaulted on the the explanations she offers don’t quite 1. When your friend and her husband or boyfriend are street or in a car, write down the license add up. (Sometimes you won’t see any together, he acts very controlling and puts her down in front plate number and/or the location of the bruises, as batterers target their blows to of other people. assault in progress and find the nearest areas that can be covered with 2. He acts extremely jealous of others who pay attention to her, phone to call the police. These situa- clothing.) especially men. tions can be dangerous, so whatever you 9. She has casually mentioned his 3. She becomes quiet when he is around and seems afraid of do, be sure to keep yourself safe. But do violent behavior but laughed it off as making him angry. something! Don’t assume that someone a joke. 4. She stops seeing her friends and family members, becoming else has already taken care of it. Sur- 10. Her child is frequently upset or more and more isolated. vivors of relationship abuse say that very quiet and withdrawn and won’t 5. She often cancels plans at the last minute. when no one acknowledged that they say why. 6. He controls her finances, her behavior and even whom she saw the abuse or tried to help, it made socializes with. them feel even more isolated and alone. a friend in need no excuse for it—not alcohol or drugs, financial pressure, depression, jealousy nor any behavior of hers. • Emphasize that when she wants help, it is available. Let her Sarah and Jessica have know that domestic violence tends to get worse and become more been friends since kinder- frequent with time and that it rarely goes away on its own. garten. Sarah was maid • Explain that relationship abuse is a crime and that she of honor at Jessica’s can seek protection from the police or courts as well as wedding to David, and help from a local domestic violence program. Suggest that for a while it seemed like she call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at her friend was on cloud 1-800-799-SAFE for advice and referrals. nine. But lately, Jessica • Work with her to identify resources to help her take care seems tired and stressed out all the time. Sarah can’t remember the of herself, get emotional support and build her self-esteem. last time she heard her really laugh like she used to. She always seems • If she is your neighbor, come up with a way she can signal you distracted and worries about making David angry if she is running if she needs you to call the police, such as turning a porch light late or doesn’t call home when she is “supposed to.” One day, when on during the day or lowering a particular window shade. the two friends are shopping for clothes, Sarah is alarmed to see • If she decides to leave her relationship, she may need money, bruises on Jessica’s back that look like fingerprints. Jessica laughs it off assistance finding a place to live, a place to store her belongings and says she bumped into a door, but Sarah is starting to get worried or a ride to a battered women’s shelter. Think about ways you 6 about her friend’s safety. might feel comfortable helping her. 7 • If you want to talk with someone yourself to get advice talking to a friend about a particular situation, contact a local domestic who is being abused violence program. You might think that something as simple as talking to a friend about Once you have brought the subject up, bring it up again. abuse couldn’t possibly make a difference. But it really can. Try not to get frustrated if you reach out to a friend and she Just knowing that someone cares enough to ask about the abuse stays with her batterer or goes back to him. Ending any relationship can break through the wall of isolation that can is a process that takes time. Ending a violent relationship is even “If someone had given me one exist around victims of relationship abuse. harder. Usually, the victim fears for her life. She may also want her of those little cards with phone If you think a friend or loved one is being children to grow up with a father. Perhaps her self-esteem is so numbers on it, I don’t know. abused, talk to her about it. Listen to her. Let her damaged that she thinks she can’t make it on her own or she believes Maybe I would have called. I know you care.

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