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The Rollins Sandspur Newspapers and Weeklies of Central Florida

4-1-2005

Sandspur, Vol 111, No 21, April 01, 2005

Rollins College

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STARS Citation Rollins College, "Sandspur, Vol 111, No 21, April 01, 2005" (2005). The Rollins Sandspur. 1785. https://stars.library.ucf.edu/cfm-sandspur/1785 ROLLINS COLLEGE • WINTER PARK, FLORIDA

SOME OF THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT... AND A LOT THAT ISN'T

APRIL I, 2005 FOUNDED TODAY WWW. THESANDSPl rR.ORG IN BRIEF Duncan to Leave Rollins: Fox Statute Stolen Reports are surfacing that the famous Fox statue was stolen from the President's Inherits Uncle's Donut Empire Office. A group of British fox • New president hunters are wanted for ques­ tioning. Fox Day will be bids farewell to postponed until the fox is Rollins for sugar found, sparking protests from students. filled horizons of wealth. Louis Vuitton to Open Shop by Jami Furo Deciding to market straight staff reporter towards his largest customer Less than a year after base, Louis Vuitton has an­ taking over as the president nounced that it will open a of Rollins College, Dr. Louis shop at Rollins College. The Duncan is faced with anoth­ Vuitton Superstore will take er wonderful career oppor­ the place of the Library, since tunity. no one knows what that's for His uncle, Michael Dun­ anyway. can, has owned and run a successful chain of donut China Blamed for shops throughout the Unit­ Everything ed States called, of course, Recent reports show that Duncan Donuts. Uncle Mike China is to blame for all of is retiring at the age of 137 the world's problems. Rising to become a monk. He will oil prices, global warming, take a vow of poverty, so his DANI PICARD /The Slantspur underage drinking, and business and wealth must TAKING STOCK: President Duncan seen here holding award winning donuts from his family's Rollins' students low GPA. go to someone. He has de­ $1.6 billion dollar company. "Yeah all those Chinese cided to give it to his fa­ products really keep me vorite nephew, Dr. Duncan. their specialty, the Duncan side, and constructed with a worth over $1.6 billion, and from learning," said an Arts Duncan Donuts has of­ Dunker. This unique donut doughy handle perfect for Dr. Duncan will receive it and Sciences student. The fered a variety of choice is glazed on the outside, dunking in coffee or tea. all. There are only a few college has promised to donut offerings, including chocolate and jelly on the in­ This donut empire is CONTINUED ON PAGE 4 combat Chinese influence by purchasing more trees.

IN THIS ISSUE Slantspur Wins The 70s are Back Baby! Hot Spot: Ward Elevator One of the hottest places to be on campus is the Ward El­ Pulizter Prize evator, check out all the cool by Natalie Wyatt news. But if you look back at stuff going down there. staff reporter the year of 2004 you will find page 10 The 2004 nominees for a repertoire of well written Pulitzer Prizes in the cate­ and in depth articles that Furo was Wrong! gories of letters (books), concern not only Rollins Col­ Jami Furo admits to being music, and journalism were lege students but the world wrong all along, she has fi­ recently announced on Janu­ at large. To better clarify the nally admited to her horrible ary 12 of this year. The staff merits on which the conservative ways. Read her of the Sandspur was under­ Slantspur was given this leftist article this week. standably thrilled to be in­ award a list of common at­ page 14 cluded in the list of nomi­ tributes to the Pulitzer Prize nees. Among these were The are given along with exam­ New Additions to Athletic New York Times, The Los An­ ples of the Slantspur's fine Department geles Times, The Las Vegas work in their journalistic It was a busy week for the Sun, and of course The Orlan­ pursuits. Atheltics department which do Sentinel. The fourth Pulitzer Prize named its new Atheltic Di­ Not feeling completely category is defined as this: rector and added new Varsi­ sure about themselves and if "For a distinguished exam­ ty teams. they would measure up to ple of explanatory reporting page 18 such great newspapers, The that illuminates a significant Slantspur kept this news and complex subject, INDEX very hush hush. But as of demonstrating mastery of Wednesday March 30th, the subject, lucid writing NEWS 2 Slantspur staff members and clear presentation." ISSAC STOLZENBACH / The Slantspur HOLT NEWS ...... 5 have been informed that Clearly the "Rollins on Being CAMPUS GONE WILD?: News stories this week revealed that marijuana is actually being grown on campus, and that LIFE & TIMES 6 they are indeed the 2004 Sexy" article shows the winner of the Pulitzer Prize Slantspur's service to the a bar will be opening soon. Has Rollins gone wild? Or is it ARTS & ENTERTAINMENTIO simply owning up to what really goes on? Get further de­ for outstanding journalism. public through explanatory tails in this week's Life & Times section. OPINIONS 14 Many students on cam­ writing for the greater good SPORTS 20 pus may be shocked at this CONTINUED ON PAGE 4 page 6 THE SLANTSPUR •NEWS APRIL 1, 2005 President Bush Authorizes Invasion of Canada ported prescription drugs. • The President At one last attempt to announces Canada compromise their differ­ will be invaded ences, President Bush sent Secretary of State Con­ following their at­ doleezza Rice to compro­ tack on Secretary mise with the Canadians in late February. This en­ Rice. counter came to an early by Meghan Waters end when an angry Cana­ staff reporter dian mob hurled rocks, Announcing his deci­ sticks, and coins at Secre­ sion as a last resort, Presi­ tary Rice, almost overturn­ dent Bush signed a procla­ ing the vehicle she rode in. mation of war with Canada Interpreting these ac­ after months of tension be­ tions as a challenge to the tween the United States U.S., Bush declared his am­ and its northern neighbor. bitions to invade Canada, Conflict commenced in usurp the country's long­ December, after a member standing and efficient gov­ of Canada's cabinet al­ ernment, and gain plenty legedly called President of new U.S. territory on Bush "a Hick who which to expand. weaseled his way into the When questioned about White House." Canada's many oil re­ The comment, which the serves, President Bush de­ Canadian government nied any ulterior motives never formally apologized for the invasion. Neverthe­ for, sent shock waves less, the United Nations through the United States, has threatened to remove which prompted an embar­ the U.S. from the interna­ go on U.S.-Canadian trade. tional alliance if they de­ Prime Minister Martin, a cide to proceed with the at­ former ally to the Bush Ad­ tack. ministration, taunted the However, there remains U.S. by commenting that no indication that Presi­ Americans couldn't survive dent Bush will concede to without their beloved im­ the demands of U.N. BRIAN HERNANDEZ/The Slantspur More Copies of The Slantspur Soon To Appear in Newsstands tain copies of the insight­ many pointed to the rein- the paper's readability. I'm always almost rele­ • Slantspur circu­ ful and always error-free vigorated Sports section as Sophomore Tom Idiote vant". lation to be in­ weekly. Students have being a highlight of their pointed to how prompt The Senior Jake Kohlman complained to Slantspur Slantspur reading experi­ Slantspur delivery is, say­ says that, for him, the creased due to management that some ence. The Sports Section is ing, "I love how the paper Sports Section is appoint­ popular student student entrepreneurs under new management is almost always there by ment reading. "I never have been taking up to a this semester, following noon on Fridays. I mean miss an issue. I make sure demand. hundred copies of that the latest its gotten I'm at The Slantspur stands week's Slantspur and sell­ there is by Monday, so before that week's edition by Jake Kohlman ing them on eBay with you have to like the is even delivered just so I sports editor bids reaching a not-unrea­ punctuality." don't have to buy a copy The editors of The sonable $400 for the free While Tom likes the off eBay." Other students newspaper. Slantspur, finally caving to timeliness of The pointed to the bright col­ pressure from the Rollins The demand for the Slantspur's delivery, Ju­ ors and interesting pic­ student body, have decid­ newspaper is a surprising nior Melissa Notreal en­ tures that are clearly stolen ed to increase the circula­ turn of events for the joys the timeliness of from the internet as a rea­ tion of the newspaper from newset college newspaper the articles inside the son to read The Slantspur. 2000 to 4000 a week. De­ in the state of Florida. Not paper. "The paper While the exact reasons mand for the newspaper too long ago The Slantspur keeps me informed. It's might not be clear, it's ob­ has increased steadily was an afterthought on helpful for my classes' vious to everyone on cam­ since the start of the se­ campus, with students current events assign­ pus that The Slantspur has mester, forcing the editors rarely, if ever, reading ments because I can get become a must read for to act or face a riot from each week's edition. While Senior Jake Kohlman's pro­ information from our students. Luckily, the their faithful readers. none of the students inter­ motion from staff reporter school's paper, and be­ paper's editors have recog­ In recent weeks copies viewed for this piece could to Sports Editor. cause the news The nized the demand for more of The Slantspur have been quite pin down what ex­ The students surveyed Slantspur writes about is copies and are taking ac­ flying off their stands with actly it is that now draws listed several other posi­ always a week or so old tion to satisfy everyone's many people unable to ob­ them to the newspaper, tives that have enhanced when the paper comes out needs. APRIL 1,2005 NEWS THE SLANTSPUR Keggie the Keg Takes President's Dog Hostage Flagpole on Mills Lawn go down, man ... this weird • Chaos erupts replied with vigor, "Its an shiny thing with a spout and after President outrage! That dog was my green legs and arms went Duncan's dog is dawg, ya'know? He even bouncing down the street scooped his own poo!" singing something like 'not ransomed by rival The simple note left at donuts, or does nuts, but mascot Keggy the the scene was clear, "Share deez nuts! Woot! Woot! the 1.6 Billion Bucks, or Get Wahoo!' It was a sickening Keg. Your Dog Back in Chunks!" sight to see, his voice made A handwriting analysist, my glass rattle . . . little sil­ by Issac Stolzenbach who insisted on remaining very-green freak, I should senior bestiality analyst anonymous, gave her input have known he was suspect, Dr. Lewis Duncan on the threatening note, he didn't jaywalk to get on thought he was rid of his "The man is obviously a pe­ campus!" arch nemesis, Dartmouth dophile with delusions in­ Keggy was of course in College's official-unofficial clined toward involving ani­ hiding and unavailable for mascot Keggie the Keg . . . mals in his sick practices. comment, but this reporter that is until Keggy found out The fact that the note was was able to obtain a quote about the Donut Empire. written in distilled feces on from his elk, a battered and Pure bedlam at Rollins dung paper exhibits a gross beaten keg from a local frat College as of late, first our distain for authority. I house, "Hells yes! If I be president is found to be leav­ wouldn't be surprised if he havin' legs, I'd bust his dawg ing to tend to an enormous rubbed himself with the left­ too. Yo, people be pump- family fortune, now we have over poo-ink ...." in'bumpin' us day in and a rogue mascot on campus The Traffic Light at Park day out, you don't think accosting our president's Ave. and Fairbanks was the we'd take a shot if we had dog, Midnight. When ask only witness to the incident, the chance? Dang, if only I how this made it feel, the "It was freakish! I saw it all had arms, legs, and a gun . . . I 'magine I'd take out Paris Hilton's little rat-dog until she agreed to make su'mo footage, ya dig? I ain't talkin' 'bout no night-shot mess ei­ ther. Hold up, I gotta go clean my tap—check ya later COURTESY OF COLLEGE HUMOR.COM A local organization probably poisoned the dog sion of funds from the presi­ against cruelty toward ani­ slowly in order to sedate the dent's office. mals has set up camp on animal enough to make it Dr. Duncan was unavail­ Mills Lawn to search for easy prey." able for comment as he was clues in Midnight's excre­ Easy prey indeed, the out trying to rescue his dog ment, one spokesmen was dog was plucked from the Midnight, but his Desk was convinced this had been president's lawn as he slept. happy to add its opinion, planned out for quite some A staged photo was sent the "I'm glad he's leaving. I sit time, "[pointing at poop in next day to The Slantspur to here all day and get no atten­ his unprotected hand] See, expose the criminal inten­ tion ... he just stacks his pa­ there are little bits of corn tions of Keggy the Keg. The pers up on me and gives me and straw mixed in with the best one can hope for in this no appreciation. I told him kibble. Tests have revealed case is a swift death for the someone would eventually that neither are indigenous pooch before it is molested get him . . . and his little dog ISSAC STOLZENBACH /The Slantspur to Florida, so the perpetrator any further, or the submis- too." The End of Wal-Mart • Florida ing today after the state this ruling, Florida state offi­ that the Florida Supreme says that the liquidation will Supreme Court unanimously cials will take over all Wal- Court decision is outrageous, be over before the President Supreme Court voted overnight to require Mart stores at noon today and ask the state legislature can get back to Washington closes all Wal- Wal-Mart to close all its and start liquidating every­ to pass a specific law for Wal- from his vacation in Texas to stores around the state no thing inside for one to ten Mart in order to overturn the sign any legislation in favor Mart stores today later than noon eastern time dollars each. court decision because the of Wal-Mart. at noon. today. The court reached its In preparation to handle US. The Supreme Court de­ In addition to environ­ decision after a lawsuit the expected large crowd at nied a request overnight to mentalists and Wal-Mart by Jean Bernard Chery brought overnight by angry Wal-Mart stores today, the hear the case. Mr. Cedric, a competitors, many private staff reporter consumers and former K- Governor deployed the en­ renowned defense attorney citizens praise the court deci­ The Company was Mart associates, accusing tire National Guard through­ representing Wal-Mart, say sion to kick Wal-Mart out, founded in 1962 with the Wal-Mart of bullying in out the state to facilitate the that he believes that the Unit­ claiming that Wal-Mart has opening of its first store in which its drives competition liquidation process. The lines ed States Congress and the been threatened their com­ Rogers, Arkansas. Since then, out by its unfair pricing tac­ are expected to be long; thus President will overturn the munities. They call on every­ it has grown to become the tics. be there early and bring plen­ state court decision if the one to go down to their local biggest retailer in America. Although Wal-Mart ty of water to drink. Medical state legislature fails to over­ Wal-Mart as soon as possible Wal-Mart is well known for claims that its purpose is to emergency personnel will be turn it. to take the advantage of the its ability to drive out com­ bring the lowest price possi­ present at all Wal-Mart loca­ However, Nelson, one of grand liquidation ordered by petitors and for its low ble to its consumers, its com­ tions to assist those who the best lawyers in America the Florida Supreme Court. prices. Former K-Mart shop- petitors and the court dis­ might faint while waiting on right now, laughs at the For those of you-who can't • pers and employees could be agree. The court orders the line for hours. Officials say above statement and claims find me on campus today, well testified in favor of the giant retailer to not only that the amount of goods that the court will not give in look for me at my neighbor­ former. move out of the state of Flori­ people will get for a few dol­ to pressures from the execu­ hood Wal-Mart in Metro Wal-Mart competitors in da but it also seizes all Wal- lars is worth the waiting. tive and the legislative West, Orlando. So join me the state of Florida are rejoic­ Mart assets. As a result of Wal-Mart lawyers say branches. Furthermore, he there to say bye to Wal-Mart. THE SLANTSPUR NEWS APRIL 1, 2005 Blood Drive Reveals Rampant STD's on Campus! dents' social habits to discov­ Downeast with an infected signs of the disease may in­ noon classes, intending to by Genesis Whitlock er exactly how the disease person. "We believe every­ clude failure to attend class, use their favored positions in staff reporter was spread. "On average, we one on campus has come into inability to wake up on time, class to displace any suspi­ A recent blood drive re­ found that Rollins students contact with the venereal dis­ distaste for campus-pre­ cion. "I'm an excellent stu­ vealed shocking news to the mate 70 percent more often ease at one point," notes Dr. pared cafeteria food, and in­ dent," one of the subjects Rollins community: a myste­ than most college students," Cathy Lundgren, a CDC ability to maintain balance noted, "but I can't help the rious hew venereal disease says Dr. John Simonet, a pathologist and mother of a after evening outings. fact that I'm succumbing to may have been carried by up CDC statis­ One this disease, or the fact that I to 70 percent of the student tician and student forged my last bibliography population, and may have patholo­ even so I could finish early and get escalated up to 85 percent gist, "and cringed as some action. I didn't ask for after Spring Break. yes, we've he re- any of this." adjusted called There is no identified "On average, we for popula­ waking cure for Fiatluxia trachomatis. tion." Si­ up in his Now that CDC has deter­ found that Rollins monet and dorm with mined the effects of the dis­ students mate 70 his team a "butter- ease, they are working dili­ percent more often found a face." "It gently to find a solution. "As correlation was the of now," says Simonet, "we than most college between worst re­ suspect the only remedy may students." Fiatluxia action I've be graduation." The CDC trachomatis ever had," reached this conclusion after Dr. John Simonet and exces­ he re- observing and studying sim­ sive social vealed. ilar cases in Florida state- GDC Statistician activity, • "My boys funded colleges. "For now," which made fun he says, "we can only wait The bacterial strain, weakens of me for and see how seniors respond photo / BRIAN HERANANDEZ / The Slantspur dubbed Fiatluxia trachomatis, both the in­ being a to our treatments issued dur­ was discovered during hibitions and the immune hopeful Rollins College en­ loser. Now that I know it was ing commencement." Al­ mandatory iron testing at the system. trant. the disease buying the Jager though the disease "is here to semi-annual Red Shield cam­ At the time of the study, "It probably started shots, I feel better about what stay," the CDC says that vig­ pus blood drive. "We had a Simonet observed that sever­ through several random happened." ilance can help defer Fiatlux­ large turnout," said Phil al classrooms, the elevator, hook-up with townies, and Some students argue ia trachomatis. "Students Huston, the drive coordina­ and a custodial closet in Cor­ the bacteria mutated and they are immune to the dis­ need to be on the lookout for tor. "Almost 1,200 students nell Center for the Social Sci­ daisy-chained its way ease. "Fiatluxia trachomatis anyone who has symptoms." showed up to donate blood. ences were converted into through the population." does not discriminate," says advises Simonet. "Girls and Unfortunately, most of the makeshift speakeasies and Students suspected of being Lundgren, "so students guys need to be careful who samples had to be discard­ dance clubs "where rampant primarily infected denied the shouldn't feel outside of risk. they choose to become inti­ ed." hook-ups took place." encounters. It will get them sooner or mate with, who they choose Discovery of the unusual After conducting tests on The disease is expected later." In another test, the to make out with, and who bacteria in student blood several students, the CDC to infect 99 percent of the CDC noted that subjects they buy 'You-Pick-Two'sy for samples piqued the interest strongly believes the disease population by May. Symp­ comprised of students with at Panera." of the CDC's Division of Bac­ to be transmitted strictly toms of the disease include high grad-point averages In a related investigation, terial and Mycotic Diseases, through sexual contact. Con­ shortness of patience for caught the disease within a several Rollins professors who*'commissioned a secret tinued observation aroused class, forgetfulness of assign­ week. Symptoms became have been suspected of can­ research team to investigate suspicion that mutant strains ments, intense cravings for stronger as the week pro­ celing class in favor of hold­ the nature of the disease. can be transmitted via kiss­ distilled alcoholic beverages gressed. ing alcohol-laden poker par­ The CDC set to work ing, sharing expensive bot­ and random distribution of By Friday, most had de­ ties in the Bush Science Cen­ right J away, observing stu­ tled water, or shopping at phone numbers. More severe termined to skip their after- ter. Duncan is the Pulitzer Prize Winner beloved English teacher. white or color, which may CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 New Donut King Our very own Jami Furo consist of a photograph or of the college. That was a was acknowledged for her photographs, a sequence or CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 the official color of Duncan real hard-hitting story sup­ opinions article, "Twenty, an album." Our photogra­ conditions. One is that Dr. Donuts: lime green. Lime ported by a photograph and Female, and Republican" phy has received nation­ Duncan must devote himself green is Uncle Mike's fa­ some reporting. which everyone on campus wide attention for its beauti­ to the business whole-heart­ vorite color, and no Duncan Its eighth category is saw as justifiable in its pur­ ful artistry and in depth ma­ edly. He may work at any Donuts location can be given as this: "For a distin­ pose and platform and veri- terial. Adam Burton, who other job, and he painted any other guished example of feature fiably true to the way most coincidentally beat out his must travel - color. writing giving prime con­ females in college think. The father Tom Burton of the Or­ from one •j Dr. Dun­ sideration to high literary eleventh category for a lando Sentinel, was given a shop to the i can will re­ quality and originality." Ap­ Pulitzer Prize winner: "For hearty pat on the back from n e x t main, at parently they have been distinguished editorial writ­ the Pulitzer foundation for throughout , Rollins for paying attention to Profes­ ing, the test of excellence his photography of Hurri­ the country the rest of sor Nordstrom's "View from being clearness of style, cane Frances and a Lady to monitor the year. Mars" column as he has ir loral purpose, sound rea­ Tars volleyball game. the status of He will then been commended b Mi soning, and power to influ­ Congratulations are in the shops and embark on Pulitzer's great grandson ence public opinion in what order for those who put to make sure that his donut ven­ personally on the originality the writer conceives to be much hard work and late they are living up to ture. Rollins is now in of his contributions to the the right direction." nights into the production of Uncle Mike's standards. An­ the process of searching for a Slantspur. Peter Pulitzer "For a distinguished ex­ our school newspaper. Take other condition is that every new president for the col­ seemed very pleased to ample of breaking news pride in your work shop must remain painted lege. shake hands with our photography in black and Slantspurians! APRIL 1, 2005 ~~ fI OiT THE SLANTSPUR j Holt School Introduces New Majors/Classes by Jennifer Walchok collection and increase the enroll in 'Selective Listening: brian's next door neighbor quality of my solo-sex life." The Art of Tuning People Out.' Big news has just been re­ Another marketing class Student Government Vice leased from the Hamilton Holt has also been added to the President and senior Organi­ SUCCESSFUL STRATEGIES TO school: new courses and ma­ schedule called Corporate De­ zational Communication jors have been designed to in­ ception - Topic: College Text­ major Mary-Allen Singer STAND OUT IN THE INTERVIEW crease the scope of offerings books. With this course you agrees with Bommeleje's I have been receiving nu­ effective if you have em­ for undergraduates this fall. too can make a billion dollars a change in course curriculum, merous requests from stu­ bellished some of the The new changes conform to year by ripping off needy stu­ "People exhaust me, I'm over dents on mock interviewing facts on your resume as the wide diversity of the stu­ dents. Business minors can it! It's about time he teaches a and interview preparation. well so that you have dent body and aim to provide also learn about today's com­ class on selective listening; This week I wanted to use something significant to students with the real world petitive corporate culture in who cares about the golden this column to focus on a few discuss. skills needed after college. another new course entitled pause?" VERY successful interview • TIME MANA GMENT - 'Effective Networking Techin- One of the most popular Big changes are also in strategies. Without a doubt, Do not worry about ques.' This class teaches stu­ new majors starting this fall is store for the English depart­ these strategies will result in being on time for an in­ dents how to lie, cheat, back- 'Home Economics' for female ment next school year as well. more job offers than you ever terview. After all, it is im­ stab and sleep your way to the students, also known as the Based on recent revelations of thought possible. portant to set the tone re­ top. MRS degree. The Holt school another immaculate concep­ • RESEARCH - Don't both­ garding "who's in charge created this major to encour­ Computer Science majors tion in France, and the report­ er to research the compa­ here." The company will age female students to reach can take two new courses next edly record cold day in hell last ny It is more effective to be lucky to get you! Ac­ their full potential as home- fall—classes include 'Interac­ week, Dr. Sean Butler will be show your ability to im­ tions like this start the re­ makers. This major focuses on tive Internet Relationships 101' forced to include A's in all of provise on the spot! It is lationship on the right the art of finding a sugar and 'Successful Stalking 102/ his English course offerings even more effective if you foot. daddy the correct way to These classes are designed to starting next fall. The Music provide excuses why you • TALK A LOT - Inter­ windex windows, dealing educate techies on how to find department would also like to could not conduct re­ views are the perfect op­ with your spoiled children and internet lovers, and then how inform students that, due to a search (i.e. "My comput­ portunity to have a cap­ your husband's pesky mis­ to deal with the rejection after consistent lack of student tal­ er is broken," "I have tive audience. Spill your tress, all while looking pretty. he/she finds out what a geek ent in the music major, all been depressed because guts! Talk about your Communications professor, they are and refuses to date music classes have been can­ my girlfriend just broke personal and profession­ Dr. Sue Easton, is excited about them. celled indefinitely in the Holt up with me," etc). al struggles. Look at it the changes, "If this major was Students are also encour­ School. Officials advise that • FLAUNT YOUR INDI­ this way, it is a lot cheap­ offered when I was an under­ aged to take advantage of in­ students who own their own VIDUALITY - Enough er than therapy! graduate student I never ternship opportunities next instruments should graciously about interview "dress • FORGET CAREER SER­ would have worked so hard year as well. One of my fa­ donate them to local charities, protocol." Why not "go VICES - Disregard any and gained my PhD... I would vorites is a new opportunity to thus allowing the next genera­ as you are." After all, you advice from the Career have been better able to find a work and earn credit as a per­ tion an opportunity to acquire want to make sure they Services office. After all, man to take care of me." sonal assistant to a day stu­ the skills they so desperately see the "real you".... they only pretend to care There are also many other dent. This learning opportuni­ never learned. right? about your career devel­ great classes to look forward to ty invites dedicated Holt stu­ The Holt school encour­ • EAT GARLIC - Did you opment. Anything worth such as a new expressive art dents to assist day students ages students to take advan­ know that garlic is a nat­ obtaining is worth ob­ class entitled 'Intro to Pornog­ with carrying shopping bags, tage of these new changes and ural breath mint? Go taining on your own raphy Choreography' with a doing their homework, and to not call their offices to gripe, ahead, eat garlic the en­ right? Networking is for $35.00 adult materials han­ being available for rides home bitch, moan or complain, since tire day before a big inter­ people who are afraid to dling fee. This class focuses on after the bar closes. no one will care either way. view and see what hap­ stand on their own two the importance of stage pres­ A few changes with cur­ The purposes of these new pens! feet! ence and body positioning, as rent classes are important to courses are to add to your • BE HONEST! - When the Watch for more practical well as advanced lighting tech­ mention as well. Professor well-rounded liberal arts edu­ interviewer asks you advice in this column on how niques involved in the adult Bommeleje in the Communi­ cation at Rollins and to extend questions, be authentic! to stand out in the job search film industry. Fellow Holt stu­ cations department has decid­ your anticipated graduation Talk about all of the faults process! dent William Long '07 com­ ed to introduce a new class date even further. Please con­ of your last boss. Give Do you have a question ments on this new course, that addresses a paradigm tact your advisor for further in­ them the gory details! for Marian? E-mail her at "This class will be great: I have shift in the needs of adult stu­ formation about changing They will appreciate your [email protected]. She been hoping the Holt school dents. Instead of his tradition­ your major or withdrawing candidness and honesty. guarantees that all questions would finally add a class to al course offering entitled 'Lis­ from the Holt school complete- While we are on the sub­ will be responded to individ­ both improve my home movie tening,' students will be able to ject of honesty, it is more ually or in this column. Holt Hotties Fundraising Calendar A whole new look at the Hamilton Holt Student Body the elephant rides around When revealed in this ited to the portrayal of the Holt student," com­ by Mary-Allen Singer campus or the Professor's light, few have been able to scholarship. It will also have ments Matt Sayti, academic Dunking Machine on Mills disagree with this sort of unique features, like printed advisor. In January 2005, the Al­ Lawn," says HHSGA Vice artistic and philanthropic reminders to check your As for its projected suc­ fond Sports Center was President Mary-Allen logic. It's a good point, too; Rollins e-mail and registra­ cess? Singer says, "I'd love opened up to Holt Students Singer. "At first, I just the Hamilton Holt student tion dates. There is even a to see this thing take off! My free of charge, and it's a laughed at the whole con­ body is as diverse as they special section on how to re­ personal goal is to have this good thing too. With the re­ cept," says HHSGA Presi­ come. member your R-card num­ calendar be such a hit that cent increase of tuition, the dent Matt Drury. "But then I The academic monthly ber, Blackboard account we make a weekly or even HHSGA has been in a got to thinking, this IS a lib­ calendar, scheduled for re­ name and password and the daily calendar! We're even scramble trying to figure eral arts College. Who better lease in Fall '05, will include Fox-Link 'How to' that is talking about having a Holt out ways to increase the to celebrate the human body twelve feature photos of sure to be a hit. "If we can Hotties Alumnus edition. HHSGA scholarship fund. as art.... in the buff.... students studying in nature help to make our students' Helping and relating to Holt The solution: a Holt Hotties naked... than those we sit or the library, as well as pro­ lives easier, while raising students is what it's all Calendar. next to in class? What's the fessors posed with books funds and celebrating schol­ about and, if it takes that "People thought it was harm if we raise some they've written. arship, then we are that Holt Hottie from my INT another one of my crazy money for our fellow Holt However, the Holt Hot- much closer to completing 200 class to make that hap­ ideas to raise money, like students?" ties calendar will not be lim­ our mission of supporting pen, then I'm all for it." THE SIANTSPUR APRIL 1,2005 &j*T{ imes Rollins: Wording to Ma into in its Party School Image witfi Alcohol av\d rAar\')mv\a\ No more BYOB to Campus: Pot In the Rollins Rose Garden? Get it at Rollins Cabana Instead the explicit purpose of dis­ Despite obvious emo­ • Campus-based guise and increased poten­ tions from either side of the • Finally, admin­ investigation cy." Smokeman went on to study, any clues as to the ori­ further elaborate on the gins of the altered flora istrators are reveals more shocking revelation their re­ have as yet remained elu­ yielding to stu­ questions than search has un­ sive. However, answers. earthed, "This is speculation dents demands for good sh*t man, bet­ amongst those an on-campus bar. by Brian Hernandez ter than Indo linked to the inves­ fictionally gifted production slacker by George Sciarrino Bro. Whoa, tigation sug­ wprk dj Wednesdays 10-noon In what was touted as a dude, did you gest that it bold initiative by the Rollins see that little purple may be linked Faculty members are fi­ elephant run away to a controver­ nally listening to what the Community, the Department with my box of sial biology students at Rollins College of Biology set out to dispel Eggo waffles? Damn, I've got really want: a bar on cam­ decades of rumor and conjec­ thesis that was rumored to the munchies baaaddd!" pus. CARIBBEAN-THEMED BAR: ture with an all encompass­ have been jointly formulated ing examination of the cur­ The bar will sell wine, A New meaning to multi-cul­ On the opposite end of in the early 1970's by two domestic and imported beer, tural learning on campus rent generation of flora the excitement spectrum, unidentified Rollins seniors. champagne, and wine cool­ lem." found in the college's famed Christian Weedtoker, '05, "We may never know how or ers. All profits will go direct­ Some faculty members rose garden. president of CANNABIS, why someone would go to ly to the Alex A. Hollac are seriously concerned What these researchers was instrumental in organiz­ such lengths to conceal their Scholarship -% about what a bar on discovered not only sur- ing the study and expressed passion for marijuana, biolo­ Fund for -^—- —•v campus could do to prised and enlightened the his discouragement of the gy and roses," added High- students f the school's repu­ band of heralded campus findings, yet remains hope- tower. "But we did note in who have tation. "Rollins skeptics, but the results may ful that the final results will our research that, according demon- V^ is an academic have shed light contradict any introduc- to campus groundskeepers, strated out­ institution, on the infinite tory findings, rose blossoms seem to suspi- standing ac­ not a party talents of " CANNABIS ciously disappear during ademic ex- < hang out their alum­ is deter­ homecoming festivities each cellenqe and crib," said nae biological mined to re­ year." need finan­ Dr. Sue Gar- brethren, main objective A coincidence or secret cial aid. The cube, a profes­ and per­ until the very alumnae plot to cultivate and bar will be sor of Religious haps the "real" reason end (pausing reclaim the harvest of their named the Studies. why Rollins Homecom­ for a puff of youth? The truth remains as Rollins Ca­ Other faculty ing Week continues to grow an unusual elusive as the reasoning that bana and will members are in­ in popularity. smelling cigarette), as con­ justified an expense-laden have a different to the The Rose Garden Study, servatives against any form rose garden in the first place. C aribb e an­ idea. "Well, I guess it may which was generously fund­ of genetic alteration, (pause) But as a representative from themed decor. look bad to others," said Dr. ed by grants established by Um... what were we talking the Rollins Hemp Club ex- "It is about time," said Henry Fubant, a Philosophy the newly formed Rollins about again? Oh yeah, we are plained, perhaps the motiva- Jenny Kelly, a second-year Hemp Club, and the campus horrified that some unsavory tions behind the science have student at Rollins College. "Now I don't have to organization Conservatives character from Rollins' a direct and honorable corre­ "[The administrators] had to Against Non-Natural Aug­ revered past, would even at­ lation with the legacy of the have known we drink. Now, get my friends to mentation of Biological In­ tempt to tamper with one of Rollins Ethos of Fiat Lux (Let I don't have to get my walk over to the toxicants or Stimulants God's most beautiful cre­ There Be Light), "Do you friends to walk over to the Seven Eleven to get (CANNABIS), was launched ations, (pause) I meant the have a lighter? I can't get this Seven Eleven to get me early last fall and was sched­ flower just there, not any- hookah lit," passionately booze." me booze." uled to last only two weeks, thing else okay are we shared Beverly Blunt, '07. At the Rollins Cabana Now eight months into the clear? there will be a strict policy of Jenny Kelly testing and evalua regulating who is of the legal Class of 2007 tion phase of the age to drink. Two campus research, Dr. safety guards will be work­ professor. "However, the Mary-Jane High- ing as body guards to the en­ overwhelming source of tower and gradu­ trance of profit this ate assistant Sam the bar, business "Herb" Smoke- They will venture man explain that ID each could earn delays were to be person1 could pay for expected with re­ that tries more * scholar­ search of this type. to get in. ships for deserving However, their re­ Although there is a students." sults thus far are strict policy of age verifi­ Last, there are the very encouraging. cation, the loophole in thei Iprofessors who just "We've identi­ system is that students are| throw theirs hands up fied ajiew breed allowed to leave the bar and chuckle at of marijuana with their alco­ [the idea. growing in the holic bever­ 'Can we pro­ form of rose blos­ ages. "We can fessors go to the soms," explained regulate what they do in bar too?" Theatre Professor Hightower. "It's a front of us," said Campus Jane Honda asked with a fascinating hybrid Safety Officer Dave Dale. chuckle. "No, but seriously, BRIAN HERNANDEZ/The Slantspur have been geneti- ~OULD TH£SE BE THE CULPRITS?: Are these two unidentified alumnae "What they do behind a bar on campus, how ran­ ,ctured dunn a ast closed doors is not our prob- callv mutated for (P 9 P Homecoming festivity) the biological geniuses be- dom is that?" hind the mutant roses? We may never know. APRIL 1, 2005 J~AU Times THE SLANTSPUR Chicken Fever Rollins to Lower • Rollins family tinctive. mans are right handed), they "We wanted to choose a love to watch TV and listen welcomes the mascot that truly re­ to classical music, and they Drinking Age Chicken as the flects the students form close bonds with their • Meeting for limited and they have to new campus here at children and family. make the most of alcohol Rollins," com­ When responding to the drinking age when they can get it. mascot. mented an shift in his beloved school debate to be held Due to these studies, and anonymous mascot, one student replied, by Meghan Waters campus-based surveys, professor. "I can't believe I'm going to a in Darden Lounge. staff reporter Rollins adrninistration has de­ "So the school where our mascot is cided to lower the campus On March 28, 2005, the chicken served twice a week in the by Erica Tibbetts drinking age. As of April 1 Rollins Mascot was changed seemed dining hall!" asst. sports editor any student over the age of 18 from the Tars to the Rollins just However, other students Drinking.... It's a problem is allowed to drink. Chickens. perfect.' are more optimistic. Bob on every college campus. New R-cards will be is­ As said the college's McBobster, a Rollins senior, There is binge drinking, sued to show which students newest President, "We asked, "Could we pos­ drunk driving, vandalism are not under 18. The C-store needed something sibly have a mascot and all sorts of alcohol-relat­ will sell beer and liquor in more hip, modern farther down in the ed issues. Drinking is also an limited qualities to students to rally the stu­ food chain? What's issue on every college stu­ who are above the age limit. dent's spirits." our next change -the dents mind: how to get alco­ The administration thinks Despite record atten­ Rollins Amoebas?" hol, how to get away with that these new measures will dance at Rollins' sports Chick President Duncan drinking, and how to get prevent or decrease the in­ events, the faculty has en­ ens, inter- has announced his plans to served. stances of binge drinking on dorsed the change citing that estingly have a banquet in honor of Rollins campus the emblematic 'tar' repre­ enough, have much the new mascot, with a main and and will sents the "old" Rollins, while in common with humans. course of~you guessed it- Rollins be benefi­ the chicken is fresh and dis­ Most are right-footed (as hu­ roasted chicken. students cial for all are no ex- students ception. and fac- How u 1 t y . Zombies to Attack many Some times have parents you been and fac­ woken up ulty have President's House at night e x - from a COURTESY OF PENNLIVE.COM pressed • Is President ogy is important after all! I'm ty pissed off if I were a zom­ drunken concern glad we think it's a major bie/evil lurking presence/ neighbor stumbling into the about the new law changes, Duncan prepared that's worth our attention. ghost. I mean think about it. dorms at an insane hour in so there will be a period of to handle visits The looming questions The best way to deal the morning? How many probation. The school will to be answered in all of the with this discovery is for times have you woken to find monitor incidences of intoxi­ from unhappy commotion are these: will Duncan to move away and something scribbled on the cation and illegal activity. If haunts? there be zombies like that of to establish the land as holy. walls in the hallway, or on the the instances decrease, the the hit movie 'Burial But if you've ever watched a mirror in the bathroom? And law will become permanent. by Natalie Wyatt Ground'? Is it more like an zombie movie, you know how many times have you If not, then the law will be staff reporter 'Evil Dead' sort of posses­ that, no matter what is done, yourself or someone you scrapped and rules will re­ Could it be true? Yes, sion? Is rich flesh better than there will be some group of know complained about sume as normal. strange happenings have poor flesh? If there is an out­ kids who meddle in the being underage and not being Rollins has the right to been reported at the Duncan break of the virus Solanum business of the dead and able to drink as much or as make these rule changes be­ estate. In the past few weeks (the virus read from the book bound in often as you would like? Too cause it is a private institution there have been alleged believed to human flesh for fun. They many, and it's all because the and has full sovereignty on sightings of slow moving will have lots of sex and die, legal drinking age is too high. anything within campus bor­ shadows late at night, creak­ except for the Recent studies have ders. Students will not have ing doors, and eerie voices. virtuous virgin. shown that students who can immunity outside of the cam­ It is said that "The Book of The possi­ drink legally drink less and pus and will be prosecuted if the Dead," bound in noth­ bility of some hor- commit fewer misdemeanors they are caught drinking any­ ing less than human flesh, rendously absurd than students who have to ob­ where else. has been discovered "nukular" happening tain and drink alcohol illegal­ There is currently a forum somewhere on the could also ensue. In this ly. Students under 21 are of opinions on the website, grounds. Surely Dun­ case you can look at a more more likely to binge drink and a meeting will take place can's house was realistic scenario in the re­ and become extremely intoxi­ next Thursday at the Darden built on an an­ ream- cently released movie cated because they feel their Lounge to discuss the new cient burial mate the 'Shaun of the Dead'. Cricket opportunities to drink are law. ground, and the dead, the paddles and shovels seem to dead are not zombie virus), work fine for them—just happy. will Rollins Col­ keep yourself from getting The extent of lege be at a greater bitten. You never know. So the burial ground risk? be prepared. found to cover an ap­ In an attempt to Even if neither of these proximate area of half a answer these questions scenarios happen and the mile and is said to be up to for you, professionals have dead do come back to life for three hundred feet deep, been working around the no real reason, fulfilling the with caves and underground clock. It is most likely to be scenario of hell overflowing tunnels connecting on sever­ an ancient burial ground with residents, we're all in al different tombs on sepa­ consisting of a people living deep trouble anyway. rate levels. Many anthropol­ long before the Seminole In­ And if Duncan doesn't ogists from all over the dians were even in this area. move? I suggest he buy 'The country have come to inves­ Who were these people, and Zombie Survival Guide' by tigate the strange happen­ why are they so vengeful? Max Brooks. You can find it ings surrounding our Presi­ The simple answer is in the book store on campus. GEORGE SKENE/ KRT CAMPUS COLLEGE DRINKING: Students celebrate at the prospect of a dent's house. See, anthropol­ that they're dead. I'd be pret­ Good luck! lowered drinking age at Rollins College in the^uture. THE SLANTSPUR Lifc Times APRIL 1,2005 Tuition Increase to Aid Ask The Stadium Construction Chicken! RollinS prepares area and developing a rough Virginia and expanding Dear Chicken, •it-colf for tho estimate, the amount of campus over its fifty five I'm a 20-year-old I LDCTU Ul^ LI It: money needing to be raised acres of land mass. The lat- male dating a wealthy inStallatiOn Of a was found to be well over ter of the choices is the fa- 92-year-old female. I fOOtball Stadium $10 million. vorite for the upcoming met her through her As a result, the upcom- project, grandson, who I went ing Fall 2005 semester tu- Board members, after to high school with. We by Nicole Fluet ition will be raised to the the ciosing Qf the meeting, have been dating for asst. life & times editor ,. r rn , , «„T,J«« about 3 years. I'm not in reasonable price of 60 wandered campus asking love with her, though I In a recent meeting with grand. The small increase the thoughts and comments have been telling her the board of trustees, Presi- will have a positive effect on from students on their way family that I am. Her dent Duncan and associates spending possibilities and to class. "Most," Mikkeya family is starting to get decided that the best way to allow for not only the con- Roskenberger, board mem- suspicious, and I need boost interest in campus ^^^^^^^^ s t r u c - ber six, states, "were enthu- new ways to prove to events and the school ill siastic and hopeful. Not them that my love is itself would be to add .jtf^L. UUUU JNk.. many seemed to care true, even though it re­ a football team to the ^^jftm "W . ,,.' 1 ^OlQN^ about the increase in ally isn't. Any advice would be very appreci­ this team would be to ^^tj^T ^^ ^^ ^MF however, told a differ- ated. Thanks! her and if she gets hospital­ il The board agreed M jj||l* ^^ Jinkenson, after a meet- Elderly Lover ized, spend a couple hours that a football stadium I#€ Jr ^^^ * #1 ing with Roskenberger, "alone" with her, without and team would be a 1 M m told a Slantspur re- Dear Lover, her family around, even if revolutionary way to IV Am porter that he thinks First of all, bravo for you don't say much to her. promote school spirit 1 ^p^l wm^W tne *c*ea *s "arj>surd-" finding such a catch! Now To them, it will look like you and pep. The problem \ IIMA^W. wwmWkwJm "Winter Park is not pre- you only have to hold out truly care. Make sugges­ they faced, however, pared to become a tail- for a couple more years be­ tions for her health and sup­ was the issue of 1 ir gate, football town this fore you cash in big. port the decisions of the To address your ques­ family if it is in the best in­ Due to the recent ^mmKmK^^ muses. "This isn't tion, there are a number of terest of your woman. downfall of endowments by tion of the stadium, but also Gainesville." things you can do to prove Also, make sure you Cornell, the Rollins commu- the foundation for a new The final decisions re- to her family that you love show lots of emotion if nity has found itself short on scholarship fund for incom- garding the stadium and tu- her for real. An expensive something happens to her. If spending money. This ing athletes to the football ition increase will occur at idea would be to send her you have to, on your way proves a problem when the department. the end of next week, fol- one carnation for every day over, bring water along so proposition of a project this The next item on the lowed by a public an- that you have known and you can dab it under your size is brought to the table. agenda for the board was nouncement to the school loved" her. Send it with a eyes. Act as if you are "out The solution, as Presi- where to place the stadium, and the city of Winter Park, heartfelt" poem about how of it" and really focusing on dent Duncan and associates The top two outstanding The Slantspur will cover any much you love spending her health and recovery. determined, is simple: raise choices were the ever popu- additional information that time with her and love Always appear that you tuition. After consulting lar Mills Lawn, and the is presented to the Rollins being in her company. This have her in your thoughts, construction agencies in the prospect of filling in Lake community. is an easy way to BS your whether that is by calling love and show that you are her in the mornings to check devoted to her. on her, sending her cards Another way to show and flowers, or fake crying her family that you love her in front of her family when What's your scholarship? would be to attend family she is sick. Remember, the gatherings, if you don't do more you act as if you so already. Make the effort WANT her to be alive, the to be there for family birth­ more her family will believe days and holidays. I know it it. might take away from your Lastly don't forget to personal time, but, remem­ make sure you are grandfa­ ber, you only have a couple thered into her will right more years to put up with away, before anything hap this woman. You can dedi­ pens to her. If she dies be cate a couple days to prov­ fore you do this, you'll be ing yourself. And the more out of luck and the last three you prove yourself, the years of your life will have more the family will be will­ gone to waste. Talk to her ing to trust you. about how she needs to fig­ Aside from family gath­ ure everything out now, and erings, a good way to be in­ settle it so she doesn't have volved in the family is by to worry about it later. If she participating in medical loves you, she'll do whatev­ problems with your woman. er you say. Good luck!! At her age, I'm sure she has a number of medical issues Find your scholarship opportunities that need to be addressed ~The Chicken at our re-launched Scholarship Channel. right away. Go to a couple doctors appointments with Visit www.thesandspur.org The Chicken returns to answer this weeks social and relationship questions from Rollins students. If you powered by have any auestions that you would like The Chicken, fcre&SiMaf to answer, then send an e-mail to [email protected] APRIL 1, 2005 JM& Times THE SLANTSPUR $90 Million Dollar Check Bounces College Becomes an Underfunded Country Club

Other students fear, reason­ • Huge debts ably, that this will lead to a di­ arise as enormous minished level of education, endowment check but Sheraton brushes this fear aside. "After all," she reveals, from George "we're just here to get a degree, Cornell bounces. and not an education, right?" A spokesman for the by Karina Mc Cabe Rollins squirrels also ex­ life & times editor pressed delight following a re­ Almost one year after cent conference over new George Cornell graciously be­ budgeting measures that re­ stowed the enormous gift of vealed how all of the college's $90 million to Rollins, the col­ groundskeepers are going to lege now faces the disastrous be laid off as well. "They treat­ news that the Cornell family ed us like pests," he chippered. has decided instead to leave "But now we can reclaim our the funds for their surviving freedom in the untamed land­ pets, and so it will not be re­ scape." Unfortunately for the ceiving any of the promised ISSAC STOLZENBACH /The Slantspur school, however, this decline funding. SQUIRREL PARADISE: With no funding for groundskeepers, the squirrels are free to roam the in the landscaping care will ul­ The loan, according to the campus in their more natural state. timately diminish the overall finance coordinator Montague and the Cornell Scholars pro- Rollins, "there'll be more room Understandably, profes­ aesthetic beauty of the college, Moneybags was to generate gram. The latter is a program for my popped-collared, prep sors are also disgruntled with and so the school will lose its approximately $5 million a in which high school seniors school buddies!" the recent knowledge that the prominent title as "Planet's year for the school. However, compete for a prestigious full Several professors dis­ finance coordinator's new Eye Candy." various insiders, all of whom scholarship to Rollins for four agree with Parker, though, as measures for creative budget­ Regrettably, the president wish to remain anonymous, years, and the aim of the pro­ ing to overcome this huge loss was not available for comment report that the check for $90 gram is to elevate the level of "After all... ~ include the laying off of one on the school's financial crisis million bounced as the funds academic discourse at the col­ we're just here professor per department. and impending scholastic de­ were already spent by the lege. to get a degree, This, in turn, will increase the cline, as he is currently over­ happy pooches. Reports claim Unfortunately, without workload per professor, as whelmed by his recent inheri­ the spoiled dogs squandered funding, this program will and not an each will now have to add an­ tance of the donut empire. their inheritance on kibble and never be able to take off the education, right?" other class to his or her sched­ In a recent conversation Bichon Frise's, and that the ground, explained the Presi­ ule for the same amount of with Benjamin Franklin in chew toy addicted pair refuse dent of the Superb Scholarship Nevada Sheraton pay. front of Carnegie Hall, though, to even cover the bank's $29 Board. He concluded a recent Class of 2006 On the other hand, many he assured the school not to non-sufficient funds charge (a interview with the newspaper students are delighted with worry about the loss of future fee assessed when the large regarding these new findings they believe that without ath­ these new measures. One, intellect as a result of this crisis, donation check failed to clear). very briefly, remarking, "Well, letic or academic scholarships, Nevada Sheraton, '06, explains because "genius without edu­ This news came as a I guess I'm out of a job now, so the school will only draw a less her enthusiasm for Money­ cation is like silver in the mine" tremendous shock to the col­ I really don't care how anyone accomplished candidate pool. bags' new policy, as "the in­ — safe! Nevertheless, the lege, particularly as the funds else is suffering." Consequently, Rollins will ulti­ creased pressure on professors school increasingly petitions had already been appropriat­ Not everyone is complain­ mately be a less desirable col­ will lead to a decreased work­ alumnae to increase their con­ ed to numerous sources, in­ ing, however. One student, lege to apply to, particularly as load for each course. They (the tributions to the school to cluding endowed faculty Harvey Parker Esq. IV, '08, ex- it will lose its stature among professors) won't want to do allow it to continue to have posts, the renovation of the plained that with less scholar- other private colleges in the extra work for a class they're scholarships available, and to also save it from debt. Cornell Fine Arts Museum, ship students attending area. not even being paid for!" Pop Quiz! Which is Healthier: Sugar-Filled Milkshakes or Skim Milk? while we've all been led to that are released, the faster there's news for you too. by Laura LaPointe believe that each of our bod­ your metabolism, and when Stop exercising! Exercising contributing writer ies is affected the same by dif­ your metabolism speeds up, strains your body. The more Is the latest fad diet not ferent foods, we were seri­ your body has made room energy expended in outer working for you? Ever won­ ously misled. For example, for more consumption of bodily movement due to ex­ dered why the food that is statements like "salt will de­ these foods. So basically ercises such as strength train­ your favorite is the worst for hydrate your body," "choco­ what it comes down to is ing and spin class, the less en­ you? Have you ever thought late gives you zits," and that, whatever you enjoy eat­ ergy available for activity to yourself, why does every­ "cheese will clog your arter­ ing, go ahead and eat it, and within your body. This is a thing that tastes so delicious ies" are all false. Wondering your body will continue to bad thing. If there isn't have to be so unhealthy for what the reasoning is behind work harder according to enough energy left to break me? Well there is hope: this breaking news? Well, it how much you consume. The down the foods you con­ throw away those low-carb has been found that endor­ harder your body works, the sume, your body will be popsicles, sugar-free Easter phins, the chemicals released more calories you burn. See filled with toxins and excess candy, and Baked Tostitos, in your brain that make you where I'm going with this? buildup that is unable to be ing. The choice is yours: don't because new studies have feel good when your satis­ The more calories you burn, eliminated. So sit down, tell your friends about this shown that what used to be fied, play an important role the more weight you'll lose! relax, and drink a milkshake. amazing discovery and let viewed as "bad" for us is ac­ in your metabolism. Okay health freaks out In the end, stop the suf­ them suffer with Weight tually good! What you are The more you enjoy a cer­ there, I know what you're fering, head to Taco Bell or Watchers and pricey gym about to hear will change tain food, the more satisfac­ thinking: losing weight isn't Baskin Robbins, and stuff memberships, or share the your life. tion you receive, and thus the everything to being your face! But don't forget, news with everyone and help The latest health study more endorphins are re­ healthy—there are other the key to this diet is that you Krispy Kreme out of bank­ has found evidence that, leased. The more endorphins things to think of. Well must enjoy what you're eat- ruptcy. Choose wisely! THE SLANTSPUR APRIL 1, 2005 nterta i nment \beat\es Reunion Rigfit Were ov\ Mills Lawn

How is this possible? While this is a costly by Jami Furo After their deaths, both venture, ACE has the whole staff liberal John Lennon and George thing under control. The Ever feel like you're going nowhere? Stuck in All Campus Events has Harrison were cryogenical- anonymous donation is one place? Can't seem to climb to the next level? recently received a huge ly frozen by Manchester more than enough to cover If so, you need to take a trip to the Ward eleva­ sum of money from an Labs in Polk City, FL. These it-or so says ACE, who will tor. The Ward elevator is a delightful trip that will anonymous donor, and labs agreed to reanimate not reveal the exact amount leave you feeling uplifted. Complete with floor they are going to use it for the tissue of these some­ of the check. number buttons, door close and open buttons, and the event to end all events. what living legends to per­ The reunion, called the ACE has been able to book form one last hoorah before "When I'm Sixty-Four a shiny stainless steel interior, the Ward elevator the show of the century: a it's back to the freezers. Tour," is going to be in the will fulfill all of your travel needs within the con­ Beatles reunion with the While cryogenics are Alfond Sports Center on fines of Ward Hall. four actual Beatles. still in their testing stages, April 14. Tickets will go on This elevator is not simply a mode of trans­ You're thinking, "But the experiment was a suc­ sale for five dollars at the portation, however. A variety of activities take two of the Beatles are cess, and Lennon and Rice Family Bookstore, and place in this marvelous location. One such activi­ dead." Yes, that's true, but Harrison were taken from FLEX will be accepted. ty is getting really drunk and riding the elevator John Lennon and George Manchester Labs to a Don't miss this opportunity Harrison will be joining Holiday Inn in the Orlando to see what is hailed as one up and down (puking is optional). Another Paul McCartney and Ringo area, where they will be of the greatest bands to includes riding the elevator to the top and trying Starr in this chance of a life­ staying until the date of the ever live-or sort of live, to finish urinating before you get there. Just ask time performance. show. again. any Wardian for details on the schedule of these activities. The best part about this closet-sized box of fun is that it is right on the Rollins campus. No need to find someone with a car and drive all over the greater Orlando area looking for something to do on a Saturday night. No need to go to a club for a mind-boggling good time. Just dress to the nines and head over to Ward for a trip in their elevator.

BY JAMI FURO

BRIAN HERNANDEZ / The Slantspur Big News: Assistant Editor Fired For Attendance Issue Due to unforeseen fias­ cos, the entertainment section assistant editor, Ms. Shy (name has been changed in order to protect her inno­ cence), has been displaced. Unfortunately she did not take our attendance policy seriously. Her punishment - she was beat in the streets and consequently hung by toe nails while beat again with an organic carrot. We now have an opening for this position in which you will paid heavily, but must endure Mark's con­ descending wrath. Note: the job entails few details - just sit next to me and nod your head in approval of the completed layouts. Also, come with ideas in preparation for next week's Rollins Swim Suit Edition that will undoubtedly

BRIAN HERNANDEZ / The Slantspur spark controversy and PARTY ANIMALS: Be sure to stop by the Ward elevator and increase our Letters to the join in on a hot night, open 24 hours a day, 7 nights a week. Editor section. APRIL 1,2005 THE SLANTSPUR nment | Legendary Film - From • i i ' I—— Justin to Kelly becomes UUno s Coaemer Qaain? an Oscar Qualifier DU Jess ana Lara (Catherine Bailess) reveals in pure lyric genius. The movie by Genesis Whitlock the movie, "I tried my hard­ ends climactically with a staff reporter It has been a crazy romantic est to keep y'all apart, you vibrant, believably Movie reviews world­ just kept gettin' back togeth­ impromptu performance of reunion in Hollywood this wide dubbed it "a legendary er... and I'm the queen of "That's the Way (I Like It)." film for the ages," "one of the connivin'." Her delivery of Justin and Kelly seem to be week, as you may have seen best in a long time," and "an this line convinced me of her in their element and their covered on E! The tabloids are amazing, melodic journey desperate internal struggle singing and dancing demon­ from start to end." Famed to rent Justin and Kelly's strates why they deserve the bursting with the new hook­ film critic Joel Siebert noted, connection in two. elite title of "American ups, check out these hot and "Before now, people thought However, the chemistry Idols." the magic flame of movie between Justin and Kelly One viewing of From flashy Hollywood couples. musicals would never be exploded with more passion Justin to Kelly explains the rekindled. This movie has than one beach could han­ heavy Oscar buzz that sur­ blazed forth with enough dle, and it stood against any rounded it this past awards fire to burn down attempts to foil their love. I season (for legal reasons, the Hollywood." From Justin to can honestly say that the movie could not be placed in Kelly was one of the most moment between Justin and any category for nomina­ powerful musicals to emerge Kelly when they finally find tion). This film touched the in the history of film, and one another rivals that of deepest of hearts of viewers upon its re-release on March Humphrey Bogart and worldwide, and the re- 18, it has proven to make its Lauren Bacall in Casablanca. release will allow the magic mark as a masterpiece When they serenade each to continue. If you see one amongst the dull roar of other with the beautifully movie this year, make it such films as Million Dollar written ballad "Timeless," I From Justin to Kelly-if you Baby and Ray. couldn't help but shed tears love the authentic grit of The brilliance of the title at the sheer exquisiteness of American Idol and the raw Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie alone suggests that the audi­ the verses, "So let's sail away emotion of MTV's Total ence is in for an amazing trip and meet forever, baby / Request Live, this movie will with two enduringly multi- Where the crystal ocean change your life. talented stars, American melts into the sky / We From Justin to Kelly will Idol's Justin Guarini and shouldn't let this moment be playing at the Enzian and Kelly Clarkson. From Justin pass / making me shiver, let's all major movie theaters to Kelly is the riveting story make it last...." Three words: until further notice. of two young college stu­ dents who search for fun during vacation in Miami. The titular characters, Justin (Justin) and Kelly (Kelly), spend the movie trying to find true, eternal love with each other. Kelly plays a modest bar singer who's Michael Jackson and Macauley Culkin dragged to Miami for Spring Break by her two best friends. Justin is a ridicu­ lously good-looking, party- minded college guy from Pennsylvania, the party cap­ ital of the world, who's been named "mayor of Spring Break." The two bump into each other on the beach, and the delightful voyage of music unfolds from there. The film does an amazing job of transporting viewers to a tropical, hedo- Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley nistically lush paradise-it's evident that no expense was spared on creating the extravagant set and cos­ tumes. The surprising depth supporting cast added a delightful complement to the stellar acting of the two stars. My heart broke to pieces when Kelly's other best friend, Kaya, feels betrayed when her new­ found romance, Carlos, is revealed to be kitchen help. It was a tragedy beyond J.Lo again with P.Diddy words. Further, Alexa photo / IMDB.COM All photos courtesy of IMDB.COM THE SLANTSPUR AHS Enterta i nment APRIL 1,2005 Simpson to Hire Singing Robot effected her singing voice may be looking • Citing need for that ultimately resulted in into further robot increased rest and numerous. televised production to relaxation, pop mishaps where she was take the singer's caught lip syncing to her place on her star enlists the own music. Simpson's MTV reality help of Microsoft. record company, who was show after MTV at first hesitant to bring in was recently by Katie Pederson artificial intelligence, has heard to say that normally the movie reviewer conceded that Microsoft Simpson's real- After much heated dis­ now has the capability to life reality was cussion with her manage­ fabricate IMPOSTER's in­ just too "fake." ment, singer Ashlee Simp­ telligence to quadruple Regardless, son is now looking to pay that of their artist. Manage­ Simpson says she over $20 million to the Mi­ ment has said that they hopes to use all crosoft Corporation to con­ now feel the cost of IM­ the free time that struct a full time stand in POSTER's production is IMPOSTER will robot in her exact likeness. justified, and will be fund­ provide to work The robot, code name "IM- ed with the money origi­ on her forthcom­ POSTER" (Imitation Music nally set aside for future ing two-album Performer Obviously ProTools dubbing and project. The new I Sounds Terrible- Expect voice over projects for albums, aptly ti­ Replica), will take Simp­ Simpson. tled "Grammy son's place on tour, per­ IMPOSTER will instead Winner When forming all the artist's remove all doubt that Hell Freezes songs in concert and is set Simpson could and would Over" and "111 to make live appearances actually sing her own Sing When Pigs on the Today Show Live, songs, and management Fly," are set to re­ Live with Regis and Kelly, feels it will resolve all is­ lease to the pub­ and Saturday Night Live to sues surrounding the lic in the fall of perform several songs. dubbed-over performanc­ 2005 and include Simpson told Star Mag­ es, as the robot is said by several duet azine on Tuesday that the critics to actually look tracks with the addition of IMPOSTER was more life-like and on-beat album's co-pro­ a personal artistic decision than Simpson herself. Ru­ ducers, the re­ that would allow her the mors are also circulating united eighties time to recover from her re­ that Simpson, along with mega act Milli cent bout of sickness that sponsorship from MTV, Vanilli. DEBBIE VANSTORY/KRT CAMPUS

urn Uance

una about desperate lives finding hope in each other APRIL 1,2005 Am Entertainment THE SLANTSPUR Michael Jackson Reveals Information About His Genitals \Apcom\v\g you like it if I asked to see the case will be dismissed, by George Sciarrino er, which is worst, jail-time Events m your winky." Supposedly, Revealing his personal infor- morning blender dj or the immense embarrass­ Jackson had his penis re- mation, may have gotten ment Jackson will feel for the In court this week, moved because his skin dis him out of jail-time. Howev­ rest of his life? Dr\av\do Michael Jackson confessed ease was causing a deforma­ some very personal informa­ tion that was causing prob­ tion about his reproductive lems with his ability to uri­ organ. Jackson admitted to nate. having surgery right after "Usually my patients are his child was born to remove transsexuals," said Jackson's his penis. doctor, Dr. Jeckol, in court. Apparently, Jackson's "However, I do get some Florida Hospital defense attorneys strongly people who need to have De-Feet Dia­ felt that the information their penises removed be­ would prove his inno­ cause of health reasons." betes 5k cence."How in the world Michael Jackson's fans could this boy have touched are becoming more and Walk/Run Jackson's penis if he doesn't more disgusted by his Sunday, April 3 have one," said Jackson's at­ strange lifestyle. Those who torney, Luke Perry. "It is ob­ used to dance to his tunes in *) Baldwin Park vious the boy is lying." the 80's, now laugh at him on Skeptics of the argument T.V."First, the guy switched Meet at 8 am want proof that Jackson real­ races, then, he got accused of ly had his penis removed. child-molestation, now he is Prosecutors asked Jackson if a transsexual?" said ex-Jack­ he would show the jury the son fan, Lee Conroy after area where the penis once pausing from laughing. was located. Jackson's eyes "What a freak." began to water. If Jackson proves that he MindiAbair's "How dare you ask me to did not have a penis when reveal such thing," Jackson the boy accused him of performance at said furiously. "How would showing him his penis, then COURTESY OF IMDB.COM City Jazz at Uni­ versal CityWalk Japanese Rap Sensation: on Thursday, Dragon Ash, Viva La Revolution April 7 melodies, gangsta' beats, ic in their native country. tually heard some of their by Natalie Wyatt and creative lyrics. I could They were one of the first greatest hits if you are a staff reporter only understand half of people to give the rap cul­ huge anime fan. Well, con­ Coming at the world and them, but from what I could ture to Japan. They took gratulations. "Shizuka na hitting the Americas hard is make out it was a great some American flavoring Hibi no Kaiden wo" or "The a new Japanese rap sensa­ album. and added it to. Japanese Stair Steps of a Quiet Day" is tion, Dragon Ash. Their lat­ Led by Japanese rap music to turn rap into main­ regarded as one of the best est album, Viva La Revolu­ mogul Kenji F, Dragon Ash stream music. songs off the album. I mean, tion is a mix of pop is not only famous but icon­ Now, you may have ac­ I couldn't understand it from listening to the CD, but it had a good beat. One of the most poignant lines being the first-translated as "Grass and trees become green." "Grateful Days", found on the album in English, is a P. Diddy-esque sampling of a simple pop melody with intricately written lyrics. I can see this becoming a hit here in the states. We cer­ tainly need something dif­ ferent from the everyday boy bands and angry girl groups. Dragon Ash is it. Kenji F. is said to have cried while performing the song "Grateful Days" on stage in front of millions. His passion for life and music and performance is beyond belief. Simply beautiful is his vocal styling and English. I strongly suggest that everyone go out and buy this album. The next big THE UPCOMING EVENTS thing is right around the cor­ ARE TRUTHFUL AND ner, don't be left behind! REAL, NOT A FIGMENT OF COURTESY OF DRAGON ASH OUR SICK IMAGINATIONS. THE SLANTSPUR APRIL 1, 2005 Social Insecurity I Have Seen the Error of • With only four would have $200,000 by re­ tirement. dollars a day you Americans are living My Ways! too can make a longer than ever, so why is it the burden of their govern­ • It didn't take retirement fund. ment to pay for what could much to push our be the last forty years of their resident conserva­ by Meghan Waters life? It isn't fair for America's staff reporter younger working generation tive to the other For weeks now, Presi­ to have to pay for their side. dent Bush has been traveling grandparents to move to sunny Florida and meander by Jami Furo across the U.S., trying to sell mark's chick his social security reform bill around all day. to constituents and con­ America is renowned for Recently, I have received gressmen. His attempt to its hard-working spirit. Peo­ significant opposition to my rally support for private re- ple should be able to keep conservative articles. In re­ flecting on this feedback, I have come to know the error of my ways, and I am now ready to join the left. The decision was not an easy one to make, but after reading countless letters crit­ icizing my viewpoints and heavily researching leftist philosophies, I have come to realize that those who criti­ cize me are, in fact, correct. The left is the way to go. How is it fair that certain people are so wealthy and others are so poor? How is it just that those who can af­ ford better educations can SAUL LOEB/ KRT CAMPUS get better jobs and more SHE'S SEEN THE LIGHT: Jami studied this picture and then money? realized that John Kerry could be the man of her dreams! It isn't. It is time to level can public, but they will take now. This nation can no ORVILLE MYERS / KRT CAMPUS MOONLIGHT SURFING: Will you end up paying for my grand­ the playing field. I am call­ care of all expenses, as well. longer survive in its current father to take up a new hobby? ing for a 100 percent tax rate Politicians will determine state. Too many Americans for all American citizens. the needs and desires of the suffer because others are tirement accounts has at­ the money that they earn The government should own American public, and they making money. I have lived tracted opposition from and not be forced to pay for all money and property. This will give all Americans the in the dark for too long. I democratic leaders who social security through now realize argue that the reform will every paycheck. that the way plunge the U.S. deeper into a Without the social secu­ to build the two trillion dollar debt. rity system, America would United States But I've been thinking, be able to be fiscally respon­ into the great­ what if we got rid of social sible and pay off the war in est nation security all together? In­ Iraq quickly, so we don't possible is to stead, the money that pays have to pass the debt on to have the fed­ our seniors every year could our children. eral govern- be spent paying for the war The money could also CIGGY STOLZENBACH / The Slantspur & in Iraq, giving more tax cuts go toward building a JAMI'S NEW BEST FRIEND: Now that she's gone to the other side, Jami and rnent make to the wealthy, and increas­ stronger economy by allow­ Mikey (her pet name for him) are BFFAE (Best Friends Forever and Ever). those deci­ ing the retirement benefits ing Americans to spend their sions. Since for our congressmen. money instead of saving it may sound harsh at first, but same amount based on those we elect the leaders of the It should be every indi­ for the future. Social securi­ if the government owned needs and wants. All will be nation, our ideas are being vidual's responsibility to ty is compromising Ameri­ everything, they could reap- equal for all people, and the represented. From that point save for their own retire­ can capitalism. After all, portion it equally. The best way to accomplish this on, let the politicians control ment. If a person only saved what are we- a socialist soci­ teenager asking if you want Utopian idea is for the feder- the nation. They know how four dollars a day, s/he ety? fries with that will make the al government to control it. to do that much better than same as a neurosurgeon. The time for change is we do. Homes will be reappor­ tioned to make sure that everyone has one. Several families may have to share homes to accommodate this, but when considering the greatest good for the greatest portion of the population, it is a small price to pay. With this plan, no one would have to worry about health care, retirement, or any additional costs of living because the government will simply take care of it. It's amazing what can get ac­ complished from hundreds or thousands of miles away in Washington. Politicians ERIC MENCHER / KRT CAMPUS NO MORE FREE GOLF: We might end up taking away the will not only make policies J.B.FORBES/KRT CAMPUS MIN,MUM funding for his Country Club membership...is that so wrong? for the benefit of the Ameri- WAGE FOR EVERYONE: Does this really look any­ more difficult than asking, "Would you like fries with that?" APRIL 1,2005 Q^&n^frtp THE SLANTSPUR

Totalitarianism: Total f&tyt ^>lants;pur The Newest CoCCege Newspaper in TCorida Teamwork, Total Fear, Total Fun FOUNDED IN 2005 speech, religion, press, etc centration of power would we're used to, stunning by Hans Heil APRIL 1,2005 are all just ways of diverting aspire to total societal con­ brown shirts, basic black, contributing fascist VOLUME 1, NUMBER 1 attention from the end result trol. Without civil liberties and cheery details of reds; if I was reflecting recently of state glory, focusing on in its way it becomes possi­ appearance is truly every­ ESTABLISHED TODAY on the current state of the ble to enforce the glory of the paltry existence of indi­ thing, we'd have it all! WITH THE FOLLOWING U.S. government and how viduals within the greater the state in the actions, Beyond the style that EDITORIAL: truly inefficient it is; maybe state apparatus that try to hearts and minds of the pop­ comes with totalitarianism is its time for a change. While "Assuming and always mighty, deliberately work against ulation. First, we need a se­ the strength of the goal. sharp, and pointed, well round­ delving through stacks of the system. Remember, if cret police to patrol the With the glory of the state to ed yet many-sided, assiduously books about government I you're not part of the solu­ thoughts and actions of citi­ live for, we all have common tenacious, victorious in all forms came across a new and ar­ tion, you're part of the prob­ zens, ensuring that this un­ ground, a common goal, of armed combat and therefore guably better form of gov­ lem, get out of the way and necessary expression of civil something to talk about dur­ without a peer, attractive and ex­ ernment, one that harkens liberties does not exist to ing coffee breaks. Decisions tensive in circulation; all these let the machine of state will be found upon investigation back to the good old days, power roll on to achieve its hinder the glory of the state of importance would be to be among the sorry qualities of the days when you knew ultimate end of glory and entity. From this we can ex­ made for you, no longer The Slantspur." where you stood in life, the strength. pand and mirror the other would bad decision-making days when things got done, With this newfound con­ totalitarian regimes in our have to hinder your life, as it MARK K. BARTSCHI the days of charisma and centration of power and maintenance of political would all be for the glory of Dude-in-Chief charm. To clear something prisoners, I've always liked the state. With a common movement toward state JOHN FERREIRA the idea of the specter of goal, we all have a sense of up right away, I am of course glory society would milita­ Managing Guy talking about totalitarian­ rize itself, a move that has Gulag-like institutions as a purpose, a sense of belong­ ism, fascism, whatever you long been a necessity. Our way of keeping people in­ ing, and a feeling like each of BRIAN HERNANDEZ really want to call it. Those military is far too small and line, it's akin to giving a us when put together is real­ Production Slacker words carry such a negative doesn't get its fair share of naughty child a timeout, just ly making a difference. To­ connotation though, I would societal influence. It is time more snowy, cold, and talitarianism helps give us SECTION EDITORS & ASSTS. like to set about to change all that we seek to expand its in­ worky. Forced labor, that direction, motivates us to NEWS BRITTANYL.EE that. fluence into our schools and makes sense too, if out in so­ maintain direction through ItfE & TfM£S...&mw». Mc CABE & NICOLE FLUET To start with, let's talk other aspects of society with ciety you're contributing repetitive and militaristic ac­ dntettainmtnt LARA BUESO & JESSICA ESTES about power, right now all the glorification of militaris­ negatively to the glory of the tion, and keeps us from de­ Oft******. JESSICA COMBS these silly things exist that tic institutions in society, es­ state through criticism or ac­ viating from that goal SPORTS JAKE KOHLMAN & ERICA TIBBETTS tion against it perhaps some through ruthless but neces­ check and balance power to tablishment of definite COPY EDITORS death, nothing gets done. chains of command and the time toiling away under sary punishment. hard labor will change your VERONICA RUSTON We have states, representa­ introduction of lock step and I don't know about you, TOM TRASENTE mind, and while we're work­ tives, citizens with rights, repetitive drills. With this but this totalitarian thing HEATHER WILLIAMS ing to change you're mind courts, and an executive. It's militarization comes the ral­ sounds like about the best REPORTERS you'll be helping the state time to streamline that lies, our world just hasn't things since sliced bread. out with your labor; is there NANCY AGUIRRE CAROLINE OGLE down, to make it efficient, to seen the rallies it used to, Not only would we have a JOSHUA BENESH MARIA PETRAKOS any type of punishment concentrate power. George those were the good old great motivation and a total­ JEAN B. CHERY ROBERTO PINEDA more noble? Mo COFFEY JENNIFER WALCHOK W. Bush said it best I think ly sweet state, but we'd look days, torches, singing, VANESSA EAVES MEGHAN WATERS stating in 2000, "If this were speeches, and sacrifice; So, let's check over our great while doing it! We'd JAMI FURO GENESIS WHITLOCK a dictatorship, it would be a nothing more fun than a list again, we've eliminated have all that we needed, the DAVID GRASSO NATALIE WYATT heck of a lot easier - just so good rally rather in Nurem- the unnecessary checks and drama of rallies and the long I'm the dictator." Quite burg or New York. balances and concentrated glory that is inspired by our PHOTOGRAPHERS clearly President Bush has With this newfound em­ power, enminated civil liber­ leader's speeches, the sense ISSAC STOLZENBACH Photo Editor the right idea, concentrate phasis on the military it ties, militarized society, of purpose and common DANI PICARD Asst Photo Editor sought expansion beyond goals that come with the ADAM BURTON Photographer power, get things done, stop should be utilized more DANIKA TANZINI Photographer wasting time and money thoroughly. Sure, our borders and instituted a glory of the state, and the when the glory of the state Afghanistan and Iraq were new means of enforcement worry-free lifestyle that ADVERTISING hangs in the balance. I pro­ great starts in this idea of ex­ and punishment for step­ comes when decisions are ROBERT WALKER Business Manager pose a dictatorial state, with ping out of line with the made for you. All the state KATIE PEDERSON Ad Sales Rep. pansion, but that's just small SHAUN CRICKS Ad Sales Rep. one all-knowing leader in stuff, it must go further. The glory of the state. I guess asks is for some unnecessary whose hands rests the power sun must never set on the that just about does it, we've personal freedoms, but think DEAN HYBL of the state. Let his mighty mighty empire that is Amer­ managed to bring back the what you get in return, the Advisor or aka "The Man" charisma and knowledge ica. Our neighbors are just totalitarian state and all the glory of the state itself, the The Slantspur is an April Fool's spoof guide us into the Promised the beginning, Canada first glory and fun that come ability to see and control ex­ version of The Sandspur, which is pub­ lished weekly on Fridays and main­ Land and establish a glori­ then Mexico and down with it. Just what do we as a citing new places and peo­ nation really get out of it ple, the fast action and swift tains a circulation of 2,000 copies. ous state that spans the gen­ through Central and South The Editorial Board extends an invita­ erations. Let him stand America. Once the Western though? results that comes with a tion to our readers to submit letters and above us and let our lives be hemisphere is firmly in our First, we come away concentration of power and articles. In order for a letter tob e consid­ most importantly the warm ered for publication, it must include the sacrificed in his glory just as grasp the real fun begins, with a newfound sense of name and telephone number of the au- j he has sacrificed so much for soon without trying too hard style. Through all the bad fuzzy feeling that comes thor and be 400 to 600 words in length. j the glory of our state. the mighty Americans will that totalitarian regimes with being part of some­ In considering a submission forpubli - thing great, the glory of the cation, The Sandspur reserves the right; Civil liberties are anoth­ have the world in our grasp. have been labeled with, one state. So, band together, to edit letters and articles. er one of my big issues; they Can you say Blitzkrieg? The thing goes unblemished, Submit all letters and articles toth e ad­ leave behind your weak in­ just get in the way of real tactic is there, just waiting their sense of style. From dress below or bring them to our of­ dividuality and join up with fices on the third floor of the Mills progress. It's time to realize for a mighty people and glo­ the jackboots and riding totalitarianism to experience Memorial Center. All submissions that the state is the most im­ rious state to liberate the rest pants, to the snappy insignia must include a printed copy with a the fun that comes with portant entity, far important of the world from their and instantly recognizable saved copy on disk and must be re­ teamwork and common ceived in The Sandspur offices no later than the individuals that wrongful ways. symbols those regimes had goals. Help the glory of the than 5 p.m. on the Monday prior to make it up. Once we get this Not only would the it all. And how they broke publication. U.S. be realized for genera­ grasp of the military expand the mold of militaristic, ex­ realization out of the way, tions to come as one people, beyond its current sphere of panding the color palette of The Slantspur the rest comes easy; all ac­ one movement and one glo­ influence, government in military dress far beyond the 1000 Holt Avenue - 2742 tion for the glory of the state, rious state! nothing less! Freedom of general as a result of the con­ camouflage and green that Winter Park, FL 32789 - Phone: (407) 646-2393 Advertising: (407) 646-2696 Disclaimer: The views expressed within the Opinions section are entirely the opinions of the individual E-Mail Us At: authors, and do not necessarily reflect the views of The Slantspur staff or Rollins College. don'tbother.com Please keep any comments, opinions, rants, or raves to yourself. ISSN: 0035-7936 THE SLANTSPUR Q^t4pv&ip^ APRIL l, 2005 This Is Why George W. Bush Should Absolutely Invade Canada Which leads to my sec- waves that subliminally em- liberals. Knowing they're by Genesis Whitlock and we need the Dubya to go in there and expose those ond point: who do you think anate from the roar of Nia- still reeling after a significant staff reporter Canadians for the mountie- orchestrated the whole NHL gara Falls while we're all political loss, they're trying First there was Canadian loving liars they are. Don't strike? Canadians. The pub- watching Access Hollywood, to fill Americans' heads with bacon. Then there was Cana­ believe me? Here's proof. lie thinks players are holding we won't know what hit us. fancy Candy Land left-wing da Dry and Labatt Blue. You know the whole out for more money- can Star Trek nerds: beware. radical ideas. Cheaper pre­ Soon, we'll all be wearing Expos expansion franchise? anyone say "trips to secret Your beloved Captain Kirk is scription medication for the red-and-white maple leaf T- It was a cover for missile pro­ genetic engineering plants in none other than the worst elderly? Don't make me shirts and exchanging plastic duction. No one wants us to the Yukon?" In actuality, the kind of traitor—a French laugh. George W. knows money with the Queen's like­ know this, but government Canadians are cloning hock- Canadian masquerading as about the lies. The Canadi­ ness on it. One day, when our reconnais­ an American. ans are trying to off our old children are in school, they'll sance re­ And yes, people with dirty drugs for be putting their hands over vealed that Mike Myers their own twisted reasons, their hearts while singing "O large quanti­ is admittedly and our president cares Canada, our home and na­ ties of urani­ funny, but no enough not to let them. "I've tive land..." and we won't um were one will be got an obligation to make even have seen it coming. being shipped laughing sure our government does Yes, my fellow Americans— to the stadi­ when he everything we can to protect the Canadians are trying to um. Where takes over as you," he says, "and one — take over this country, and was it going? Supreme my worry is that it loojes like we need our fearless leader Well, the Chancellor of it's from Canada, and it George W. Bush to stop them players sure the Midwest. might be from a third dead in their tracks. weren't shoot­ As for Celine world." Don't let the third Most Americans think ing it up. Dion—I have world, or Canada, ruin oiir Canada is the harmless Rumsfeld had it on high au- lives. JACKIE LORENTZ / KRT CAMPUS mont Right now, Americans neighbor to the north. Boy, that baby snutGRRR. The Canadian's have been preparing for battle for years. Y that when are they wrong. The public down quicker They merely disguised it in the form of a violent sport! Na­ need to trust that our presi­ doesn't know it yet, but the than Paul Mar- sion is corn- dent will not let us fall prey government had sound rea­ tin could say, "Missiles? ey players for purposes that plete, she'll be next governor to our northern threat. After son to believe that Canada is What are you talking are as yet unknown. Don't of California. Don't buy into he invades Iran, Syria, North stockpiling weapons of mass about?" And do Americans say I told you so when some Canadian celebrities. They're Korea, and the remaining destruction. Laugh if you think it's a coincidence that six-foot, iron-jawed, hockey- trying to lull us into being Western hemisphere, George will—this is no Iraq, folks. the Expos got shipped to the stick-wielding thug named starstruck so that they can se­ W. Bush will invade Canada Canadians have been quietly nation's capital under the Pierre arrives at your door cretly destroy our rich Amer­ and save us from a potential­ biding their time, infiltrating clever disguise of the "Wash­ and takes away your civil lib­ ican culture. This is why the ly dreadful fate. Until then, our country with their ington Nationals?" What a erties and your ability to feel FCC should control every­ we need to put full faith in sports, their beverages, their perfectly convenient way to sensation in your legs. thing we watch and hear. our government, especially celebrities, and their deli smuggle nukes and legalized They've been planning this Dubya put them in charge, now by supporting drilling meats. They've purposely marijuana across the border since the inception of the and they can read the signs. in the Alaskan refuge been trying to shroud them­ for their diabolical plans. league. Trust them when they say (they're really only establish­ selves in a cloak of inno­ Everyone knows Canadians Canadians are also using something's not suitable for ing secret spy bases to better cence. Meanwhile their un­ don't play baseball—they our obsession with celebri- American ears. observe the enemy). It's the derground factories are pro­ slide pucks around on the ties to brainwash us. When The Canadians are work- only way to ensure our own ducing nuclear weapons, ice. they amplify their radio ing especially hard on the safety. God Bless America. Slantspur Photo Editor Goes Guano: Conspiracies Abound by Ciggy Stolzenbach not been seen since; a final he was hot on their tail, "I goat's face, almost like he drink, I sat down to docu­ senior conspirancy analyst email stated that his sources was just about to crack this was caressing a baby. The ment what I had seen, but were correct, and that he was madness wide open, but I goats . . . okay, fine . . . but my visitor wouldn't leave The Slantspur's photo ed­ conducting surveillance on tripped over the cord of my that little pony didn't de- me alone. I finally suc­ itor, Issac Stolzenbach, gets the CIA in Aspen, Colorado vodka I.V. and busted my serve mistreatment!" cumbed to her Siren's squeal, wind of the CIA and the where he viewed three men camera equipment! Even if I The last communication but in the morning when I Skull .& Bones involvement in black, wearing pantyhose couldn't bring them down The Slantspur received from saw that it was vodka-gog­ in having gonzo journalist, over their heads, and con- for whacking Hunter, I could^ our reporter in the field re- gles that made her so beauti­ Hunter S. Thompson, assas­ doms over their ears vealed the final ful, I chewed off my own sinated at his home in carrying a goat stages of a degener­ arm to escape! Thus, I have Woody Creek, Colorado C4.<).0«M.M under each arm and B-A-A-»-A-A-K-K:-k-fc.fc! ative mental dis­ no article for you this week. back in February of this year. chanting the Na­ ease, this is evident But I will prove it was John Foaming at the mouth tional Security in the state of af­ Kerry, I swear it, that bucket- and raving about receiving a Agency anthem. fairs last reported, headed-sot of a man!" document from an undis­ They were escorting "I was minding my Whatever becomes of closed source, Stolzenbach a man that resem­ own business . . . our reporter we honestly reengaged in his quest to ex­ bled the grim reaper playing tug-o-war could care less, but hopeful­ pose Yale University's secret who had the secret with my root see, ly he'll stay gone long society, The Skull & Bones, society's coveted when I suddenly enough for us to clear up the as being the "they" that con­ numbers, 322, tat­ found myself ac­ slander and liable suits left trol the means of production tooed in his fore­ CIGGY STOLZENBACH / Th© Slantspur BAA: One goat misses the sweaty beast parties. costed by this in his wake. It is unlikely and economy in the United head and etched scrumptious that Hunter S. Thompson States, and who control dis­ into his sickle ... he was rid­ at least get whatever Senator morsel of hooker (and no meant enough to our gov­ course (in the post-modern ing a Shetland pony into the that was under that cloak comments, our first presi­ ernment for them to assassi­ sense of the term). double-wide doors of the busted for his insidious bes­ dent was a Hooker, so what's nate him, but listening to Stolzenbach took to the agency. tiality practices. He moved the hassle?) After filling my delusional people can be en­ road last weekend and has Our reporter states that his hand up the side of one head with good food and tertaining ... at times. APRIL 1, 2005 ADVERTISEMENT THE SLANTSPUR R

I GOT MATH? PASS IT ON!

open your mind...all ... teaching jobs are not the same. Visit our •Teach' TH &. ICHKCi website to learn more. WWW.YESTEACH.ORG SB THE SLANTSPUR SPORTS APRIL 1, 2005 Women's Mud Wrestling Da Chickens: Becomes Varsity Sport Football's Back step backwards for all the hot, while playing sports, is world could not believe a by George Sciarrino by Erica Tibbetts efforts us women made in ideal for the girls here at big name like Ditka would cool guy asst. sports editor the Feminist Movement." Rollins." actually come to a school Due to lack of audience Coach Mansfield chuck­ Female Mud Wrestling The NFL season ended like Rollins. When asked turnout at Rollins College led when he heard what Dr. teams are becoming a trend in February and college foot­ about the matter Ditka sports events, a new sport is Bullock had said. "Guys and in Florida right now, and ball ended around the New refused to comment, but going to be added. The new girls on campus both want many other colleges in the Year but for Rollins football rumor has it he wants to step sport will be Women's the Women's Varsity Mud state are starting up teams. is just starting. Well, techni­ back from the limelight and Varsity Mud Wrestling, and Wrestling Team," said Coach Will Rollins girls have cally it's restarting. Rollins have more time for his fami­ it is anticipated to bring in Mansfield. "How is it chau­ what it takes to get dirty, had a football team in the ly. There definitely won't be more audience members to vinistic if females are excited wrestle, and win tourna­ first half of the 20th Century, as much media coverage, the sports scene at Rollins. to get in the mud and wres­ ments? "I know our girls can but the program was ended but Ditka will live comfort­ "I can't wait to watch the tle? It is just a way to get do it," said Coach Mansfield. due to a lack of finances and ably without the pressure ladies wrestle," said Rollins more females involved in "They have something spe­ interest. During the pro­ that comes with pro football. senior, Dan Freedman. "I sports at Rollins." cial that other girls don't, gram's short history the Tars Local football fans are very wonder what the uniforms "I can't wait to join the persistence. We are going to (now recognized as the excited about the new pro­ are going to look like. "The Women's Mud Wrestling practice, practice, practice, Chickens) were undefeated gram and coach, and ticket uniforms will sport the tradi­ team," said a Rollins junior, until we become champi­ against such powerhouses as sales should generate a lot of tional Rollins colors, blue Fran Diablo. "Getting to look ons." UF and FSU; the only college revenue for the school. and gold. The ladies will to never drop a game to A new stadium is being wear white T-shirts, that say these schools. planned for Mills lawn Rollins in gold letters, and Now, football is coming which will seat 5,000 but royal blue gym shorts, that back. Past football alumnae until then the Chickens will say Rollins on the back. All and other supporters have again be playing at UCF's ladies will have to wear pro­ donated in excess of 3 mil­ stadium. The program will tective head gear, just as men lion dollars which our new technically start next fall, but do in wrestling. athletic director Bob Knight the team won't officially Some professors think and President Duncan play any games for the next that the new sport is an decided to use to hire a two years. This will give insult to women every­ coach. Not just any coach Ditka time to build a squad where. "How dare Coach however, President Duncan and get more support and Mansfield institute such a and AD Knight went all out funds. chauvinistic sport at our aca­ and hired former New Look out for more infor­ demic institution," said Orleans Saints and Chicago COURTESY PROCTER ACADEMY mation about the new team. Women's Studies Professor PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT: Women get down and dirty Bears coach Mike Ditka. Updates will be posted on Dr. Pat Bullock. "This is one getting ready for new varsity mud wrestling. Many in the football the Rollins Athletics website.

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C65 APRIL 1,2005 SPORTS THE SLANTSPUR [ In Suprise Announcement Volatile Bob Knight Named New Athletic Director Tom Klusman] and does not • Former Indiana plan to interfere with his and current Texas running of the basketball Tech basketball program. "He is very excited coach to come to about having the chance to Rollins. impact the entire athletic department and not just by Dean Hybl concentrate on one sport. He the man has long been a supporter of Get ready Rollins! women's sports and particu­ "Knight Time" is coming to larly wants to focus his ener­ Winter Park. gy on giving our female ath­ In a surprising end to a letes the recognition they six-month search for a new deserve," Weyant added. Director of Athletics and Because the official Physical Education, long­ announcement has yet to be time collegiate basketball made, no current Rollins coach Bobby Knight will be coach agreed to speak on the RICH SUGG / KRT CAMPUS introduced today as the suc­ record for this article, but off GIVING FRIENDLY ADVICE: New Rollins Athletic Director Bob Knight is known for his ability to cessor to retiring Athletic the record, the entire staff quietly and effectively communicate his feelings with his players and co-workers. Director Dr. J. Phillip Roach. seemed energized by the Dame and South Carolina President Dr. Lewis Duncan tion plans to implement. Knight comes to Rollins impending announcement. football coach Lou Holtz, to give Coach Knight the "I do know that he plans after spending the last four "He is exactly what we long-time baseball commis­ opportunity was a last on having a very open rela­ years as the men's basketball need," said one veteran sioner Bud Selig, outgoing minute phone call from cur­ tionship with both the coach at Texas Tech coach. "Dr. Roach has been Disney CEO Michael Eisner, rent NCAA and former media and the student University. This season he great and set the bar high, former Orlando Magic Indiana University body," Weyant said. "We led the Red Raiders to a 22- but Coach Knight should superstar Pennie Hardaway President Myles Brand. have already talked about 11 record and a spot in the come in here and demand and Orlando resident and "When the President of having weekly media brief­ NCAA Division I "Sweet that the administration television announcer Greg the NCAA recommends a ings and Coach Knight also 16." A graduate of Ohio make sure we stay at the Gumbel. candidate, that is going to wants to follow the lead of State University, he previ- top. He may have had his Because Coach Knight carry a lot of weight," Dr. Duncan and have week­ controversial moments, but does not have a doctorate, Weyant said. ly open meetings with the he always has been a winner which was originally a While Weyant wanted to student body." and a champion of the stu­ requirement for considera­ wait for the press conference After wearing the red of dent-athlete and for that tion, there has been some later today to allow Coach Indiana and Texas Tech for reason he will be a great fit speculation as to why he Knight the chance to pro­ more than 30 years, it will be at Rollins." was ultimately chosen for vide his own vision for the exciting to see Coach Knight With this announce­ the position. Evidently, future, he did confirm some in Rollins blue as he looks to ment, as well as the what persuaded Rollins of what the new administra- take Rollins to new heights. announcement this week that Rollins is planning on building a new football sta­ ANNOUNCEMENTS dium on Mills Lawn, there is renewed speculation that Rollins is looking to move to April Fools! Division I. "As far as I know, there Although all the ads are real, the articles are no current plans for Rollins to leave the in this issue are completely made-up, fake, Sunshine State Conference and move to Division I," a hoax, jive, or better known as cheese! said Weyant. "But you never know, if Coach Knight can Hope you enjoyed it, we sure did... come in here and make the MICHAEL AINSWORTH/ KRT CAMPUS A QUIET MAN: AD Knight is faculty and administration known to be a little shy. believe that making the jump is the right thing, you CLASSIFIEDS ously spent six seasons as could see the blue and gold the men's basketball coach in the SEC or ACC within Car for Sale at Army and 29 years at the next five years." 1999 Dodge Stratus ES $5300.00 or OBO. Gray, V6, Automatic & AutoStick, Cruise Indiana University where he In an attempt to keep Ctrl, Front Air Bags, Tinted windows, ALL PWR windows-locks, class II hitch, Alloy led the Hoosiers to three the anonymity of the unsuc­ Wheels, Pioneer CD/AM/FM, Fog lights, new tires and brakes. Excellent Condition national championships. cessful candidates for the and all maintenance records. Call Tom at 407-694-7597. According to Rollins position, Weyant refused to Spring Break 2006 Sports Information Director name the other candidates Travel with STS, America's #1 Student Tour Operator to Jamaica, Cancun, Acapulco, Nate Weyant, Knight will who actually interviewed Bahamas and Florida. Now hiring on-campus reps. Call for group discounts. not serve as basketball for the job. However, several Information/Reservations 1-800-648-4849 or www.ststravel.com. coach at Rollins, but instead outside sources reported will oversee all 21-varsity that a number of prominent Money for College sports for the NCAA people have been on cam­ The Army is currently offering sizeable bonuses of up to $20,000. In addition to the Division II school. pus within the last couple cash bonuses, you may qualify for up to $70,000 for college through the Montgomery "Coach Knight felt it weeks and speculation is GI Bill and Army College Fund. Or you could pay back up to $65,000 of qualifying stu­ was time for him to take a that they were all inter­ dent loans through the Army's Loan Repayment Program. To find out more, call (407) new direction with his viewed for the AD role. 671-6041. career," Weyant said. "He is Among those reportedly a big fan of our own 'Coach seen on campus recently Would you like to place an announcement or classified? K' [men's basketball coach included former Notre Call (407) 646-2696 or e-mail [email protected] m THE SLANTSPUR SPORTS APRIL 1, 2005 Corporate Sponsorship Not Enough for Baseball Stadium Room for Fans ments of the old name. old people and become a by Jake Kohlman • Rollins officials outpouring of support, with The new name will be "hipper" type of product. many commenting that their some guy The second company worried about too Alfond Stadium at Harper- ears often rang after games goal is to latch onto cus­ Corporate sponsorship Shepherd Field at Cialis many fans show­ from all the noise their fel­ tomers at an early age. Simi­ are the norm in the pro Erectile Dysfunction Tablet low students were making. lar to cigarette companies ing up at College sports world. Many stadi­ Park. Athletic Department While the Athletic De­ aiming advertising at kids, athletic events. ums, arenas, and ballparks staffers admitted the name partment is said to be over­ are named after corporate Cialis wants to make sure is a bit of a mouthful but felt by Jake Kohlman joyed at the support they are sponsors, including Orlan­ that over time students will college kids, when they get a dude named Jake worried about the logistical do's own TD Waterhouse get used to the change. older, have their company in The Athletic Depart­ problems that come with so Centre. Now this trend is mind when they need some­ Some might wonder ment, along with the College many fans coming to games. coming to Rollins athletic fa­ thing to help them with about Cialis's the motives, Administration, is working The newly improved soccer cilities. why would a pill aimed at their erectile dysfunctions. overtime trying to figure out stadium features 500 chairs an affliction commonly as­ In the end this sponsor­ Last Monday the Rollins how to correct the over­ with backs but those are sociated with the elderly ship comes down to both Athletic Department an­ crowding problem that is often gone in the first three want to sponsor a college sides looking to help them­ nounced a thirteen year, plaguing Rollins sports minutes after the gates open. $1,300 deal with Cialis, mak­ stadium? selves. Cialis gets some events. Officials are considering re- ers of an erectile dysfunc­ A Cialis spokesman, valuable advertising space. For months now fans renovating the stadium to tion tablet, for the naming when reached for comment, Rollins receives $1,300 to have been complaining accommodate the demand. rights to the Rollins baseball said that Cialis is trying to help buy new parking boots. about there not being stadium. Traditionalists accomplish two things with And Alfond Stadium at Other facilities all over enough room at the Rollins should not be concerned, their sponsorship. First the Harper-Shepherd Field at campus might also have to however, as the new stadi­ company wants to get away Cialis Erectile Dysfunction athletic facilities to fit all the be expanded. The softball um name will retain ele­ from being identified with Tablet Park. people who show up to the stadium, the gym and the games. Long lines to get in, pool area are all under con­ not to mention long bath­ sideration to be enlarged so room lines, have led some that all the students can fans to stop even trying to watch the games or matches get in to see their favorite without rioting outside be­ teams. cause they were not let in. For years, Rollins has An Athletic Department been known for its apathy staffer who wanted her, or towards all school events in his, name withheld, ex­ general and Rollins sports pressed surprise at the specifically. Games rarely whole issue of over-crowd­ drew more then a hundred ing, saying "I always people and only sports like thought Rollins kids never soccer, baseball and basket­ knew they had sports teams ball were even drawing that and that's why they never many people. showed up." Now though Rollins The main goal of the De­ games for all sports are rou­ partment is to make sure all tinely drawing hundreds of the fans who want to get in students who seem con­ are able to do so. For a sumed with school spirit. school that for so long had Athletes interviewed for this no fans at all, it's a nice prob­ piece were shocked at the lem to have.

COURTESY ROLLINS SPORTS INFORMATION DEPARTMENT OLLINS COLLEGE - FAKE CALENDAR t ii I iv • I i Sakrday 4-2 Sunday M Monday 4-4 luEsday ;: Wednesday 4-6 Thursday 4 7 April Fools Day After The Day after the April Fools day that came Go To Disney Need to balance Skip Class Organize Sock All Classes & following Note: checkbook, and go Drawer Events All Events April Fools Shamesless Plug for grocery shopping Laundry Day Advertiser Above! Canceled Canceled Catch a Movie All Events Canceled Call Mom for Money!

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