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Glenn Martin, DDS "Volunteers" #214 Written by Laura Gutin The Tornante Company Table Draft 233 S. Beverly Dr. January 15, 2009 Beverly Hills, CA 90212 (310) 228-6800 Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 1. ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. MUSEUM OF APPALACHIA - DAY A DOCENT leads a tour. The Martins look at a replica of the interior of a dirt poor Appalachian Cabin (rocking chair, dirt floor, wood stove, etc). COURTNEY The Museum of Appalachia. Do we really need to be here? CONOR Yeah, I don’t even like apples. JACKIE No, you kids need to see what abject poverty looks like. Then we’ll have a nice lunch. DOCENT This is how people here lived two hundred years ago. GLENN/JACKIE Wow. DOCENT (PROUD) And this is how they live today! THE CAMERA PANS to the other side of the room. It’s the same exact set up, but now includes a large-screen TV and a satellite dish outside the window. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 2. GLENN Progress, kids. It’s what makes the United States one of the top countries in North America. INT. MUSEUM HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS The Martins walk down a hall full of portraits of famous Tennesseeans. GLENN Look at all the famous Tennesseeans who came from humble beginnings. ANGLE ON: Portrait of Dolly Parton in a dirt floor shack. GLENN (CONT’D) (READS) Dolly Parton grew up with a dirt floor. Teen heartthrob DJ Qualls grew up in a hollow tree. ANGLE ON: Portrait of DJ Qualls in hollow tree. He looks like a squirrel. JACKIE Johnny Knoxville grew up so poor, he had to strap dynamite to his testicles just to earn enough money to buy more dynamite. ANGLE ON: An ANIMATRONIC JOHNNY KNOXVILLE. Glenn pushes a button and Johnny’s crotch explodes. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE Ooh, right in the ding dong! Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 3. GLENN It makes you really appreciate what we have. Doesn’t it, kids? Glenn looks at the kids sitting on a bench; their eyes are suspiciously large. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY Fascinating./ Interesting./ Tell me more. GLENN DJ Qualls was so poor his parents couldn’t even afford a vowel for his first name. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY Fascinating./ Interesting./ Tell me more. GLENN Wait a minute! Glenn notices the kids are all wearing sleep masks with open eyes painted on them. The kids’ “voices” are coming from a digital recorder in Courtney’s pocket. Glenn rips off the sleep masks and turn off the recorder. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY (PAINED) Oww!/ Hey!/ What?! JACKIE How can you kids sleep through such an emotionally compelling exhibit? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 4. CONOR (WAKING) I dreamt I was running naked, late for an exam, and all my teeth were crumbling. Why did you wake me? Animatronic Johnny Knoxville’s crotch explodes. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE I’m a jackass! INT. RV - LATER THAT NIGHT The kids watch TV (Conor holds the remote.) Jackie makes dinner. Glenn struggles to open a pickle jar. GLENN I know you had your heart set on pickles, Jackie, but it’s just not in the cards. Jackie takes the jar and loosens it. POP! She hands the jar back to him. Glenn continues to struggle, then opens it. GLENN (CONT’D) Hooray! (THEN) Jackie, can you open me a beer bottle so I can celebrate? JACKIE That museum was heartbreaking, yet our children showed no compassion. GLENN No kidding. Frankly, I’m starting to question the way you’re raising them. Kids, front and center. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 5. CONOR (HOLDING REMOTE) Not now, Dad. It’s a commercial. GLENN Yes, now! Glenn walks up to the TV and turns it off. CONOR Whoa, how did you do that without the remote? GLENN You children have no idea how easy you have it. COURTNEY Yeah, yeah. When you were a kid, there were only a hundred channels... CONOR And you had to watch giant DVD’s called “laserdiscs”... WENDY And if you turned on the TV at 8:10, you couldn’t rewind to the beginning of “Mork and Mindy.” Whatever that is. GLENN I suppose I’m to be blamed for spoiling you. Lavishing you with all of this. Glenn gestures to the RV. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 6. JACKIE I think your father means it’s both our faults. Because we both lavish. A big rig rolls by and BLASTS ITS HORN. The RV rattles, pictures fall off the wall. GLENN To be accurate, I lavish you and then you simply re-lavish what I lavish to you. (THEN) The point is, not everyone’s lucky enough to live in their car. You kids could learn a little by giving back to the community. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY (GROANS) JACKIE This will be good for all of us. And what better place to volunteer than the Volunteer State? GLENN Good point, Jackie. Set a course for Nebraska. JACKIE You mean Tennessee. And we’re already here. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 7. GLENN Perfect. I think I just earned myself a maraschino cherry. Glenn struggles to open up a jar of maraschino cherries. Jackie takes the jar, rolls her eyes, pops it open and hands it back to Glenn. Glenn opens it. GLENN (CONT’D) Damn, I’m a good parent. (THEN) You kids didn’t hear me swear, did you? EXT. SWEETWATER VOLUNTEER CENTER - MORNING - ESTABLISHING A sign reads, “Welcome to Sweetwater, Tennessee - Better Than Sweetwater, Texas in Every Way!” INT. SWEETWATER VOLUNTEER CENTER - CONTINUOUS A sign reads: “Volunteer Center.” The Martins stand at a rack of pamphlets for volunteer opportunities: Meals on Wheels, Foster Homes, Adopt-A-Highway, Reading is Fundamental and Tutor a Bum. GLENN Who says the economy is in the toilet? There are lots of non-paying jobs out there! COURTNEY Sorry, Dad, but I don’t work for free. WENDY And I only work for free for Courtney. The volunteer coordinator, GREG GABEL, approaches. GREG GABEL Well, Martins. I think I have the perfect job for each of ya. (MORE) Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 8. GREG GABEL (CONT'D) Kids, y’all will be helping out at the local hospital. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY (GROANS) GREG GABEL And Mr. Martin, how would you feel about being a volunteer fireman? GLENN How would I feel about it? THE CAMERA ZOOMS INTO GLENN’S EYE. CUT TO: GLENN’S FANTASY The door of a flaming building is kicked open. REVEAL Glenn as mustachioed fireman with a TODDLER over his shoulder. He hands the kid to its mother. Glenn soaks up the adulation. Glenn, atop a ladder, gets a frisbee off a roof. He slides down the ladder and gives it to a grateful HIPPIE. Glenn sits at a table playing cards with other FIREMEN and a DALMATIAN. They all wear suspenders, but no shirt. Glenn puts down the winning hand and pulls in the poker chips. The firemen laugh. FREEZE FRAME. BACK TO SCENE GREG GABEL So, do you like it? GLENN Like it? Heck, I like it! JACKIE Glenn, that’s so exciting! (TO GREG GABEL) What do you have for me? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 9. GREG GABEL Oh, we got a job that all the ladies love around here. You’re going to prepare and deliver meals to obese shut-ins in a program we call “Grub for Tubs.” JACKIE Yeah, cooking and driving is kind of what I do all day. I wouldn’t mind being a firefighter, though. GREG GABEL (LAUGHS) You’re a real lady comedian. The fat people are gonna eat you up. Which reminds me, don’t wear any vanilla perfume. JACKIE Wow, you Appalachians really like living two hundred years in the past. With all due respect, I would like to be a firefighter. GREG GABEL You mean on Halloween? Because we don’t celebrate that here, on account of it summons the devil. JACKIE I’m just saying, I think I’d be good at it. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 10. COURTNEY What’s the matter, Mom? I thought this whole thing’s about serving others, not serving yourself. GLENN Yeah, do you think I want to be a firefighter, risking my life while you sit at home darning my socks at the hearth? No, I do it because it’s the most selfless thing a man can do. And I’ll continue to do it, until I find a cure for fire. JACKIE (DEJECTED) Fine, I’ll do Patties for Fatties. GREG GABEL Please, a little sensitivity. (THEN) Here are the keys to the Fat-Mobile. Jackie reluctantly takes the keys. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER Courtney, Wendy and Conor wear candy striper uniforms. Conor has Canine on a leash. A JAMAICAN NURSE stands with them. JAMAICAN NURSE Okay, girls, you be goin’ down the hall to read to coma patients. (MORE) Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 11. JAMAICAN NURSE (CONT'D) (TO CONOR) And you, boy with the burnt Jiffy Pop hair, you bring your t’erapy dog and follow me. Conor drags Canine down the hall. CONOR (TO CANINE) Come on, boy. Canine digs his claws into the floor, leaving scratches as he is dragged off. He grabs onto an old man’s hospital gown but Conor drags him away.