Glenn Martin, DDS
"Volunteers" #214
Written by Laura Gutin
The Tornante Company Table Draft 233 S. Beverly Dr. January 15, 2009 Beverly Hills, CA 90212 (310) 228-6800 Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 1.
ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. MUSEUM OF APPALACHIA - DAY A DOCENT leads a tour. The Martins look at a replica of the interior of a dirt poor Appalachian Cabin (rocking chair, dirt floor, wood stove, etc). COURTNEY The Museum of Appalachia. Do we really need to be here? CONOR Yeah, I don’t even like apples. JACKIE No, you kids need to see what abject poverty looks like. Then we’ll have a nice lunch. DOCENT This is how people here lived two hundred years ago. GLENN/JACKIE Wow. DOCENT (PROUD) And this is how they live today! THE CAMERA PANS to the other side of the room. It’s the same exact set up, but now includes a large-screen TV and a satellite dish outside the window. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 2.
GLENN Progress, kids. It’s what makes the United States one of the top countries in North America. INT. MUSEUM HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS The Martins walk down a hall full of portraits of famous Tennesseeans. GLENN Look at all the famous Tennesseeans who came from humble beginnings. ANGLE ON: Portrait of Dolly Parton in a dirt floor shack. GLENN (CONT’D) (READS) Dolly Parton grew up with a dirt floor. Teen heartthrob DJ Qualls grew up in a hollow tree. ANGLE ON: Portrait of DJ Qualls in hollow tree. He looks like a squirrel. JACKIE Johnny Knoxville grew up so poor, he had to strap dynamite to his testicles just to earn enough money to buy more dynamite. ANGLE ON: An ANIMATRONIC JOHNNY KNOXVILLE. Glenn pushes a button and Johnny’s crotch explodes. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE Ooh, right in the ding dong! Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 3.
GLENN It makes you really appreciate what we have. Doesn’t it, kids? Glenn looks at the kids sitting on a bench; their eyes are suspiciously large. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY Fascinating./ Interesting./ Tell me more. GLENN DJ Qualls was so poor his parents couldn’t even afford a vowel for his first name. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY Fascinating./ Interesting./ Tell me more. GLENN Wait a minute! Glenn notices the kids are all wearing sleep masks with open eyes painted on them. The kids’ “voices” are coming from a digital recorder in Courtney’s pocket. Glenn rips off the sleep masks and turn off the recorder. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY (PAINED) Oww!/ Hey!/ What?! JACKIE How can you kids sleep through such an emotionally compelling exhibit? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 4.
CONOR (WAKING) I dreamt I was running naked, late for an exam, and all my teeth were crumbling. Why did you wake me? Animatronic Johnny Knoxville’s crotch explodes. JOHNNY KNOXVILLE I’m a jackass! INT. RV - LATER THAT NIGHT The kids watch TV (Conor holds the remote.) Jackie makes dinner. Glenn struggles to open a pickle jar. GLENN I know you had your heart set on pickles, Jackie, but it’s just not in the cards. Jackie takes the jar and loosens it. POP! She hands the jar back to him. Glenn continues to struggle, then opens it. GLENN (CONT’D) Hooray! (THEN) Jackie, can you open me a beer bottle so I can celebrate? JACKIE That museum was heartbreaking, yet our children showed no compassion. GLENN No kidding. Frankly, I’m starting to question the way you’re raising them.
Kids, front and center. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 5.
CONOR (HOLDING REMOTE) Not now, Dad. It’s a commercial. GLENN Yes, now! Glenn walks up to the TV and turns it off. CONOR Whoa, how did you do that without the remote? GLENN You children have no idea how easy you have it. COURTNEY Yeah, yeah. When you were a kid, there were only a hundred channels... CONOR And you had to watch giant DVD’s called “laserdiscs”... WENDY And if you turned on the TV at 8:10, you couldn’t rewind to the beginning of “Mork and Mindy.” Whatever that is. GLENN I suppose I’m to be blamed for spoiling you. Lavishing you with all of this.
Glenn gestures to the RV. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 6.
JACKIE I think your father means it’s both our faults. Because we both lavish. A big rig rolls by and BLASTS ITS HORN. The RV rattles, pictures fall off the wall. GLENN To be accurate, I lavish you and then you simply re-lavish what I lavish to you. (THEN) The point is, not everyone’s lucky enough to live in their car. You kids could learn a little by giving back to the community. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY (GROANS) JACKIE This will be good for all of us. And what better place to volunteer than the Volunteer State? GLENN Good point, Jackie. Set a course for Nebraska. JACKIE You mean Tennessee. And we’re already here. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 7.
GLENN Perfect. I think I just earned myself a maraschino cherry. Glenn struggles to open up a jar of maraschino cherries. Jackie takes the jar, rolls her eyes, pops it open and hands it back to Glenn. Glenn opens it. GLENN (CONT’D) Damn, I’m a good parent. (THEN) You kids didn’t hear me swear, did you? EXT. SWEETWATER VOLUNTEER CENTER - MORNING - ESTABLISHING A sign reads, “Welcome to Sweetwater, Tennessee - Better Than Sweetwater, Texas in Every Way!” INT. SWEETWATER VOLUNTEER CENTER - CONTINUOUS A sign reads: “Volunteer Center.” The Martins stand at a rack of pamphlets for volunteer opportunities: Meals on Wheels, Foster Homes, Adopt-A-Highway, Reading is Fundamental and Tutor a Bum. GLENN Who says the economy is in the toilet? There are lots of non-paying jobs out there! COURTNEY Sorry, Dad, but I don’t work for free. WENDY And I only work for free for Courtney. The volunteer coordinator, GREG GABEL, approaches. GREG GABEL Well, Martins. I think I have the
perfect job for each of ya. (MORE) Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 8. GREG GABEL (CONT'D)
Kids, y’all will be helping out at the local hospital. CONOR/COURTNEY/WENDY (GROANS) GREG GABEL And Mr. Martin, how would you feel about being a volunteer fireman? GLENN How would I feel about it? THE CAMERA ZOOMS INTO GLENN’S EYE. CUT TO: GLENN’S FANTASY The door of a flaming building is kicked open. REVEAL Glenn as mustachioed fireman with a TODDLER over his shoulder. He hands the kid to its mother. Glenn soaks up the adulation. Glenn, atop a ladder, gets a frisbee off a roof. He slides down the ladder and gives it to a grateful HIPPIE. Glenn sits at a table playing cards with other FIREMEN and a DALMATIAN. They all wear suspenders, but no shirt. Glenn puts down the winning hand and pulls in the poker chips. The firemen laugh. FREEZE FRAME. BACK TO SCENE GREG GABEL So, do you like it? GLENN Like it? Heck, I like it! JACKIE
Glenn, that’s so exciting! (TO GREG GABEL) What do you have for me? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 9.
GREG GABEL Oh, we got a job that all the ladies love around here. You’re going to prepare and deliver meals to obese shut-ins in a program we call “Grub for Tubs.” JACKIE Yeah, cooking and driving is kind of what I do all day. I wouldn’t mind being a firefighter, though. GREG GABEL (LAUGHS) You’re a real lady comedian. The fat people are gonna eat you up. Which reminds me, don’t wear any vanilla perfume. JACKIE Wow, you Appalachians really like living two hundred years in the past. With all due respect, I would like to be a firefighter. GREG GABEL You mean on Halloween? Because we don’t celebrate that here, on account of it summons the devil. JACKIE
I’m just saying, I think I’d be good at it. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 10.
COURTNEY What’s the matter, Mom? I thought this whole thing’s about serving others, not serving yourself. GLENN Yeah, do you think I want to be a firefighter, risking my life while you sit at home darning my socks at the hearth? No, I do it because it’s the most selfless thing a man can do. And I’ll continue to do it, until I find a cure for fire. JACKIE (DEJECTED) Fine, I’ll do Patties for Fatties. GREG GABEL Please, a little sensitivity. (THEN) Here are the keys to the Fat-Mobile. Jackie reluctantly takes the keys. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER Courtney, Wendy and Conor wear candy striper uniforms. Conor has Canine on a leash. A JAMAICAN NURSE stands with them. JAMAICAN NURSE Okay, girls, you be goin’ down the hall to read to coma patients. (MORE) Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 11. JAMAICAN NURSE (CONT'D)
(TO CONOR) And you, boy with the burnt Jiffy Pop hair, you bring your t’erapy dog and follow me. Conor drags Canine down the hall. CONOR (TO CANINE) Come on, boy. Canine digs his claws into the floor, leaving scratches as he is dragged off. He grabs onto an old man’s hospital gown but Conor drags him away. Canine pulls off the old man’s gown. The man doesn’t notice and keeps pushing his walker along. INT. GLORIA’S HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER The nurse leads Conor and Canine into a room where an old woman with two milky eyes, GLORIA, sits up in bed. JAMAICAN NURSE Wakey wakey, Missus. Canine the t’erapy dog is here to visit you! The nurse pushes Canine and Conor into the room and exits. GLORIA Oh, how nice! I get so lonely. Could someone please put the dog on the bed? CONOR Come on, boy. Make a blind old lady smile. Conor puts the leash in his mouth and tries to lift Canine onto the bed. He won’t budge. Gloria pats Conor on the head. GLORIA What a curly coat you have, Canine!
CONOR (LEASH IN MOUTH) Actually, that’s-- Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 12.
GLORIA Good dog! You’re going to do nothing all day but curl up, eat bacon and watch TV! What do you think of that? CONOR (CONSIDERS, THEN) Woof! She scratches his belly and feeds him. Canine shoots Conor a look. Conor shrugs. INT. ICU ROOM - SAME TIME Courtney and Wendy, in candy striper uniforms, sit in a room with two old female COMA PATIENTS. Courtney watches business news on TV. WENDY Aren’t we supposed to be reading to Mrs. Peppins over here? COURTNEY Why bother, she’s in a coma. It’s like reading to my father. WENDY I don’t know, isn’t that what volunteers do? COURTNEY Wendy, we’re not getting paid. We should do as little as possible. Consider it training for a career in government.
Courtney leans back in her chair and puts her feet on the coma patient’s legs. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 13.
COMA PATIENT (WAKES UP WITH A HUGE GASP) COURTNEY/WENDY (SCREAMS) COMA PATIENT (BRITISH ACCENT) How long was I out? WENDY Oh my God! We woke her from her coma! COURTNEY Sorry, we didn’t mean to! We’ll put you back. Courtney attempts to whack her with a large book. COMA PATIENT It’s a miracle. Your sweet voices must’ve roused me from my endless slumber. How can I repay you? WENDY Oh, don’t worry about that. COURTNEY Yeah, give it a night and come up with something good. (THEN) Hey, maybe we can get something out of this old gal. Courtney pulls out an air horn and blasts it at the other coma patient. Nothing. COURTNEY (CONT’D)
Probably faking to get out of paying us. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 14.
INT. FIREHOUSE - A LITTLE LATER CLOSE ON GLENN as he stands at attention while fire chief DUKE ST. CLAIR addresses him. DUKE Welcome to the Sweetwater Volunteer Fire Department tryout! I should warn you, recruits. This will be no cake walk. Look to your left. Look to your right. By this time tomorrow, only one of you will be left standing. PULL OUT TO REVEAL: Glenn is the only one trying out. GLENN Ooh, I hope it’s me. DUKE Recruit Martin. What makes you think you can be a fireman? GLENN Well, I burned down my house, so I do have experience. DUKE The question is, do you have the right stuff? GLENN I had it on DVD, but I lost it in the house fire. (WHISPERS) Don’t tell
Netflix, I told them it never came. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 15.
DUKE On your mark, get set, go! In a quick series of pops: - Glenn slides down the firemen’s pole, but he gets stuck in the hole in the floor. - Glenn holds a firehose. He turns it on and gets whipped around. - Glenn climbs a ladder to rescue a cardboard cat. CUT TO: Glenn clutches the cat for dear life as Duke climbs the ladder to rescue him. Terrified, Glenn refuses to let go. END MONTAGE. INT. FIREHOUSE - A LITTLE LATER GLENN (BREATHING HARD) So, when do I get my uniform? And does it come with tips on how to grow a mustache? DUKE I’m sorry, Glenn, but you failed every test we have. You’re more of a rescuee than a rescuer. Another fireman, JOEY, steps forward. JOEY Just because you can’t be a fireman doesn’t mean you can’t help the force. We’re always looking for people to be a part of our support squad. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 16.
GLENN Support squad, huh? I guess that sounds kind of manly. You know, like “support hose.” DUKE Alright! (CALLS OFF) Agnes, we’ve got a new Flamer! GLENN Flamer? REVEAL two OLD LADIES in “Sweetwater Flamers” t-shirts. Glenn’s face falls. Agnes throws Glenn a “Flamers!” t-shirt. AGNES We only have ‘em in women’s sizes. Glenn is crushed. EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER Jackie parks the Fat-Mobile and gets out with a dinner tray. A female, OBESE SHUT-IN calls down. OBESE SHUT-IN Yoo-hoo! Up here on the fifth floor. JACKIE (UNENTHUSED) Oh, hi. OBESE SHUT-IN I’m afraid I broke the elevator. And most of the stairs. You’ll have to take the fire escape. And bring up my laundry and my oxygen tank, too!
Jackie sighs. She straps the oxygen tank to her back and slings the laundry over her shoulder. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 17.
OBESE SHUT-IN (CONT’D) And grab the garden hose! Mama wants to make Kool-Aid! Jackie grabs the hose and climbs the fire escape. Across the street, the volunteer firemen pull up in front of Starbucks and get out of their truck. DUKE Can you believe this Glenn guy burned down his own house?! And he called our fire truck a “mustache ride”! As the firemen laugh, they notice Jackie. OBESE SHUT-IN And would you mind getting my kitty, Boots, from that tree? Jackie carefully balances as she reaches out and grabs the cat, then continues up the fire escape. DUKE Wow. Did you see that, boys? The firemen whistle, impressed. Jackie arrives at the shut- in’s window. She hands her the food, laundry, hose, oxygen tank and hissing cat. JACKIE There you go. That’s everything. OBESE SHUT-IN Thank you. Did you bring up some butter? JACKIE
Do you really think you need it? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 18.
OBESE SHUT-IN It’s to help me get out of this chair. INT. RV - LIVING ROOM - EVENING The kids gather around Glenn, still in their candy striper uniforms. Glenn wears his Flamer t-shirt. COURTNEY So, if you’re not a fireman, what are you? GLENN I’m what you call a Flame. Er. (THEN) It’s just below fireman. I make the beds, feed the dog, go on the occasional mustache wax run... WENDY Sounds humiliating. And I work for an eleven-year-old. GLENN Listen, lady, no one starts at the top of the fire department ladder, and I mean no one. Jackie enters, in full firefighter regalia. JACKIE Guess what? I’m a firefighter! Off the kids, delighted, and Glenn, shocked... FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 19.
ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. RV - ESTABLISHING The RV is parked outside of the firehouse. INT. RV - BEDROOM - MORNING Over Glenn’s shoulder we see Jackie putting on firemen’s clothes: yellow pants, suspenders, boots, and white t-shirt. GLENN I hate to tell you, Jackie, but you look ridiculous in that get up. REVEAL Glenn is in his Flamers uniform: a small, woman’s cut t-shirt and capri pants. JACKIE Aren’t you supposed to have your hair in a ponytail? GLENN I’m wearing my scrunchie on my wrist, thank you. EXT. FIREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER Glenn and Jackie approach the entrance. JACKIE You know what? I think it bothers you that I’m a firefighter and you’re not. GLENN It doesn’t bother me, Jackie. If anything, I’m worried for you. (MORE) Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 20. GLENN (CONT'D)
We firemen and the people who clean up after them can be pretty cruel. Don’t expect to be embraced with open arms. INT. FIREHOUSE - CONTINUOUS Glenn and Jackie enter. There are balloons and a banner on the wall reads, “Welcome, Jack!” The firemen (Duke, Joey, ANTHONY and LANCE) approach with open arms. Confetti falls. DUKE Welcome to the Sweetwater FD, Jack! A Dalmatian, SPOTTY JOHN, pops out of a large cake. JACKIE Thanks, guys. Spotty John drops a fireman’s badge in Jackie’s hand. GLENN (SOTTO) They’re just going soft on you because you’re a girl. If they considered you a real equal, they’d haze you. DUKE Chili bath! Joey and Anthony dump a pot of chili on Jackie’s head. Jackie and the firemen burst out laughing. Duke takes a picture. DUKE (CONT’D) You’re one of us now, Jack! GLENN
Yeah, one of us! Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 21.
DUKE Flamer, less talking, more mopping. Spotty John hands Glenn a mop. INT. GLORIA’S HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY Canine chews on a bedpan. Conor is curled up next to Gloria. He wears a bath mat on his tummy. GLORIA I have a little treat for you, Canine. She dangles a sausage in front of Conor’s mouth. Conor is about to take it when Gloria puts the sausage in her mouth to feed him. Conor hesitates for a beat, winces, then goes for it. CLOSE ON Conor’s mouth just inches from Gloria’s. GLORIA (CONT’D) Good boy! You’re nothing like my dog at home. Ruffles used to be so affectionate, but we grew apart. But you love me, boy, don’t you? Tell me you love me. CONOR (DOG-LIKE) I ruv you. GLORIA That almost sounded like you said you loved me! You are so intelligent. Conor beams with pride. GLORIA (CONT’D) You warm an old lady’s battery-
assisted heart. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 22.
Gloria reaches into her handbag and pulls out a diamond studded collar. CONOR (DOG-LIKE) Whoa! GLORIA Go ahead, boy. Put your head in my lap. Conor unproudly lays his head in her lap as she snaps on the collar. INT. ICU ROOM - SAME TIME The girls enter to find the coma patient sitting on her bed. WENDY Hey, Mrs. Peppins. We’re back to check on you. And to pick up that reward you promised. COURTNEY I don’t know how long you’ve been on ice, but if the reward is cash, the dollar doesn’t buy what it used to. COMA PATIENT No, you’ll be paid with something money can’t buy. COURTNEY (TO WENDY) Is there anything money can’t buy? WENDY
(LOOKING ON PDA) Nothing’s coming up on Google. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 23.
COMA PATIENT While I was in my coma, I heard those things you said. You two need to discover the joys of volunteering. (SINGS INTRO) La-la-la-la... The girls look around perplexed. Instrumental music begins to PLAY. COURTNEY I think she’s stroking out. WENDY I think we’re stroking out. COMA PATIENT (ALA “SPOONFUL OF SUGAR”) For every place you volunteer, arrive there in good cheer. The folks, you aid, will throw you a parade! The coma patient takes the girls down the hallway of the hospital, doing the jobs she describes: grabbing dirty sheets, bedpans, etc. She puts a broom in Courtney’s hands. Courtney shakes her head, “no.” The coma patient holds the broom with Courtney and sweeps with her. Courtney can’t help but enjoy it. COMA PATIENT (CONT’D) For the joy of volunteering is the smiles that you see, the soiled sheets you steam, the bedpans you clean. Yes the joy of volunteering is the happiness you make, with every single
sponge bath break! Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 24.
The coma patient leads Wendy into giving a sponge bath to a thankful OLD MAN. This warms Wendy. They find a spoon hiding in the old man’s skin folds. The coma patient dances the girls down the hall and around an IV pole, while they collect trash and scrape scraps off dinner trays. Smiling old people clap along to the song. COURTNEY The joy of volunteering is the diapers we dispose. WENDY The dinner scrap compost, the bingo that we host. COMA PATIENT Yes the joy of volunteering is enough to make you smile, if you’re not a selfish child. The SONG ENDS as the girls grab a bedpan at the same time. COURTNEY I want to empty it! WENDY But I want to do something good and get nothing in return! The coma patient smiles, hugs the girls, then opens a big umbrella. The three of them fly out the window. COURTNEY You’re incredible, Mrs. Peppins! COMA PATIENT
Please, call me Maria. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 25.
COURTNEY/WENDY Maria Peppins?! REVEAL a large fan drying a wall with a sign that reads, “Wet Paint.” INT. RV - LIVING ROOM - EVENING Conor watches as Canine licks his privates. Conor tries in vain to imitate him. CONOR How do you do that? (THEN) I need to know for my character. ANGLE ON Courtney and Wendy at the table making “Get Well” baskets complete with balloons, stuffed bears and flowers. COURTNEY Volunteering gives me a warm feeling in my chest. Do you think I’m dying? WENDY I have the same feeling. We can be buried together! Jackie enters holding a newspaper. The headline reads, “Phew!” There is a picture of Jackie rescuing a kitten from a tree. JACKIE Look who’s on page one rescuing a kitten! I dropped her sister, but still -- I’m a hero! COURTNEY Wow, first female firefighter in town.
You’re a real trailblazer. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 26.
JACKIE Well, I wouldn’t say trailblazer... GLENN Neither would I. (OFF HER LOOK) What? I’m agreeing with you. CONOR You know, Dad was a hero today, too. GLENN Thank you, son. And cut that out, you’re gonna break your neck. (THEN) I don’t want to brag, but I did unclog a monster of a toilet today. I was the one who clogged it, but still, I think the guys are taking a real shine to me. JACKIE Speaking of the guys... There is a knock at the door. JACKIE (CONT’D) I invited them over for poker. The firemen enter. Anthony unfolds a poker table, which is pre-set with beer, chips, cards, and cigars. The other firemen greet Jackie with a series of fraternity-style handshakes, chest-bumps and ass-slaps. GLENN The Ass-slap? Jackie, that’s our
secret handshake. Duke hands Glenn a beer mug. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 27.
DUKE Put a head on this, would you, Flamer? GLENN Sorry, Duke, I’m not on duty. JACKIE This is the volunteer fire department, Glenn. We’re always on duty. DUKE That’s right, Jack. Duke turns off a police scanner. DUKE (CONT’D) Now let’s get rocked! Woo! Glenn takes the mug and sticks his butt out to be slapped. Nobody does. GLENN Come on, don’t leave me hanging... All right, I’ll do it myself. Glen slaps his own butt and trudges to the fridge. INT. FIREHOUSE - THE NEXT DAY Glenn irons the firefighter’s uniforms. From his POV we see a montage of Jackie having fun being a firefighter. Duke takes pictures throughout: - Jackie slides down the firemen’s pole perfectly. - Jackie does drills with a training dummy over her shoulder. - A LITTLE GIRL offers Jackie and the firemen cookies. They accept. Glenn, in his Flamers outfit, reaches for one. The girl slaps his hand away.
- Jackie has an extinguisher foam fight with the firemen. Glenn watches jealously. Glenn takes Spotty John for a walk. END MONTAGE. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 28.
EXT. VOLUNTEER CENTER - A LITTLE LATER Spotty John squats by a curb. Glenn pulls a plastic bag from a baggy holder attached to his belt. He sticks his hand inside the bag and reaches out of frame to grab the dog poop. GLENN Spotty John, are you feeling all right? This is way too hot. Greg Gabel escorts a man in a hunting vest, COLT FREEMAN, out of the volunteer center. Gabel throws a pile of pamphlets after Colt. GREG GABEL Beat it! We’re not helping you recruit for your wacko organization. COLT How dare you impinge on my constitutional rights to not recognize your so-called Constitution! Greg Gabel slams the door shut. COLT (CONT’D) Wait! I left an envelope of freeze- dried chicken Parmesan in your bathroom stall! Colt gathers the pamphlets from the ground. COLT (CONT’D) (TO GLENN) Hey, you got dog poop on my pamphlets! GLENN
You got pamphlets on my dog poop! Glenn plops down on the curb. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 29.
COLT What’s wrong, partner? You look more trampled than our civil rights at an airport metal detector. GLENN You said it, I think. (THEN) I know in my heart, I should be a fireman. But no, they gave the job to a woman. COLT I don’t get it. You’re the one with the penis. GLENN Thank you, stranger. COLT The world’s gone topsy-turvy, amigo mio. Government out of control, men having babies, schools teaching that I used to be a monkey... GLENN That’s preposterous. You don’t even have a tail! COLT I can’t bear to see the prodigious talents of a man like you go to waste. (THEN) You know, I have an
organization you just might be interested in volunteering for. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 30.
GLENN Really? I just might be interested in that. Colt hands Glenn a pamphlet. CLOSE ON THE PAMPHLET: it reads “Citizens Field Brigade” and shows a picture of an eagle holding a flag on top of a bear holding a rifle. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: INT. RV - KITCHEN - LATER The same pamphlet. PULL OUT TO REVEAL Jackie looking at it. JACKIE Citizen’s Field Brigade? REVEAL Glenn in a makeshift army outfit, complete with epaulets, war medals, camo pants and a red beret. GLENN It’s way better than the volunteer fire department. It’s a combination police force, army, and food dehydration co-op. JACKIE That sounds like one of those militias where they wear tin foil hats and wait for the apocalypse. Glenn puts tin foil into his bag. GLENN Pfft, Colt said you’d say that. JACKIE
Who’s Colt? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 31.
GLENN Just someone who sees something in me, unlike your stupid firemen. JACKIE I knew it! I knew you couldn’t handle me being a fireman! GLENN Because it’s fire”man” not fire”wife”! He picks up something shiny off the table. GLENN (CONT’D) Great, one of my medals fell off! Check that, it’s just a bottle cap. JACKIE Unbelievable. The guys in the department treat me like an equal, but after fifteen years of marriage, my own husband doesn’t. Forgive me for stealing your thunder. GLENN And what’s so wrong with wanting a little glory once in a while? Isn’t that what volunteering is all about? I’m late. The guys and I have a meeting at twenty-one thousand hours. JACKIE
You mean twenty-one hundred. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 32.
GLENN Thunder stealer! Glenn storms off. EXT. RV - CONTINUOUS Glenn hops into the back of a waiting pick-up truck. GLENN (RE: JACKIE) Nag, nag, nag. So fellas, what are we gonna do at this meeting? Play poker? Slap each other’s butts? COLT Negatory. We’re doing something way more important than that. GLENN Yeah? COLT We’re starting a war. GLENN Neat! (THEN) Wait, what? As the guys cock their shotguns and the truck pulls off, we... FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 33.
ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. FIELD - OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN - LATER The MILITIAMEN stand at attention as Colt goes down the line. Each soldier wears an outfit similar to Glenn’s. COLT Gentlemen! Punch your ticket for glory. Tonight we lay waste to those who seek to destroy America. And not the America you see on (DERISIVE) the FOX network, but the real America you see on FOX News. Who’s with me? Admiral General Alvarez? ALVAREZ Prepared to die, sir! ALVAREZ cocks his automatic weapon. COLT High Commander Snowball? SNOWBALL Ready to kill and/or be killed! SNOWBALL cocks an even larger automatic weapon. COLT Lieutenant Supreme DJ Qualls? DJ QUALLS I have left my tree for good!
DJ cocks his bazooka and pops a few acorns in his mouth. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 34.
COLT Ensign DDS Glenn Beck Martin? Glenn holds up a brown bag. GLENN Yeah, I didn’t have time to pack a lunch and bring a weapon, so I just grabbed this garden weasel that I found in the truck. Glenn shows his garden weasel. COLT Sweetwater has been infiltrated. Aliens walk among us with no consequence, taking our social services, using the resources of a nation they did nothing to create. GLENN Uh-oh. COLT I am of course talking about the lizard people from the planet Xirxon. GLENN (RELIEVED) Oh, thank God, he’s just crazy. (REALIZING) Oh God, he’s crazy. (THEN) Psst, Admiral General Alvarez. What’s up with this guy? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 35.
ALVAREZ All I know is they pay me seven bucks an hour. They picked me up at Home Depot. COLT Ensign DDS Martin! You got cold feet? GLENN Very cold. I better have the wife draw a warm bath with rose water, crank up some Taylor Swift and-- Glenn starts walking off. Everyone cocks their guns at him. COLT Gentlemen, I think we got ourselves a real live lizard people. GLENN No guys, I swear! A fly flies into Glenn’s mouth. He accidentally swallows it. GLENN (CONT’D) Okay, I know that looks bad. They all move in on him. INT. FIREHOUSE - DAY Jackie and the guys wash the fire truck. Jackie stands on the hood, leaning against the windshield. Joey and Anthony are in the cab, pretending to clean but really watching Jackie work. Duke stands nearby. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 36.
JACKIE It just bothers me that my own husband doesn’t believe in me! But you guys think I can do this job, right? DUKE Absolutely, Jack. You’re qualified from top to bottom. ANTHONY You know, to get a good shine on that siren, you really gotta lean into it. Jackie leans in and her breasts push against the windshield. JACKIE Like this? JOEY Oh, yeah. Now back and forth a little bit. Joey takes a picture. Jackie notices the flash going off. JACKIE What was that? DUKE/JOEY/ANTHONY Nothing. / I don’t know. / Just December. JACKIE Just December? Lance throws a bucket of soapy water on Jackie, soaking her t-shirt.
LANCE Oh, sorry about that, Jack! I just-- Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 37.
DUKE Forget it, Lance. She’s onto us. Lance quickly scurries up the fireman’s pole. JACKIE Onto what? DUKE Crap. Duke tries to scurry up the pole. Jackie pulls him down. INT. FIREHOUSE - MOMENTS LATER CLOSE ON a calendar. A picture shows Jackie looking sexy with a firehose. As Jackie flips through, we see her in various sexy poses: the fireman’s pole, the foam fight, doused in chili, polishing a hose nozzle. JACKIE (GASPS) You made a calendar out of me? DUKE Yeah, a sexy calendar. We sell them for charity. This one’s really gonna outsell last year’s. He shows her last year’s calendar: there’s a photo of old Agnes reenacting Nastassja Kinski with a firehose. Duke lowers the Agnes calendar to REVEAL a naked Agnes covering herself with two fire helmets. AGNES Let’s get this show on the road, we’re losing light! JACKIE So you only made me a fireman so I
could be in the calendar? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 38.
DUKE No, of course not. Lance enjoys watching you sleep. She looks angrily over at Lance who is inching himself down the fire pole. Lance scoots back up. Jackie glowers. INT. ICU ROOM - LATER Courtney and Wendy enter the coma patient’s room. WENDY Maria, we’re back for another dose of your patented sunny-side-up song- filled wisdom! COURTNEY Yeah, we’ve got great attitudes. And I promise I’ll get the harmonies right this time. They look over at her bed, which is stripped bare. COURTNEY (CONT’D) Maria’s... dead? JAMAICAN NURSE Oh, Maria’s not dead. I’m shaving her legs, we do it every month. The nurse holds up a lifeless hairy leg belonging to the other coma patient and shaves it with a straight razor. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Courtney and Wendy exit the ICU room. COURTNEY
Wait, if that was Maria Peppins then who filled my heart with song? Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 39.
WENDY And who did I lend two thousand dollars to? They spot Maria in a janitor’s uniform pushing a mop. COURTNEY Maria? COMA PATIENT (BRITISH ACCENT) I guess the jig is up. (DROPPING ACCENT) My name’s not Maria, it’s Estelle. I’m a janitor. COURTNEY But we woke you from your coma! COMA PATIENT Nah, I just like to take naps in Maria Peppins’ room. It’s so quiet since her kids stopped visiting. WENDY Wait, so you played on our better instincts and manipulated us into doing your work for you? That is so-- COURTNEY Impressive! (TO WENDY) I think I like her even more now. WENDY Our hats are off to you, you crafty
old bag. Maria sees her SUPERVISOR coming down the hall. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 40.
COMA PATIENT Thank you, girls. Well, I must be off. Believe, girls, believe! She jumps out the window with her mop. The girls wave. COMA PATIENT (CONT’D) (AS SHE FALLS) Wait, this isn’t my umbrella! INT. GLORIA’S HOSPITAL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Conor is curled up with Gloria. He brazenly reads Dog Fancy magazine. Out the window we see “Maria Peppins” fall like a rock. Gloria scratches Conor’s belly as his leg twitches. CONOR (HAPPY DOG NOISES) GLORIA Oh Canine, you satisfy me in a way Ruffles never could. Even when he lay with me, I could always tell he would rather be chasing squirrels. Conor pushes his nose into a treat bag. CONOR (DOG WHINE) GLORIA Here you go, boy. She feeds him. The Jamaican Nurse peeks her head in. Conor scoots under the covers so that his legs stick out as if they’re Gloria’s legs. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 41.
JAMAICAN NURSE Missus, guess who your son dropped off without so much as a hello. Your dog Ruffles! He’s coming right up. GLORIA Quick, Canine, into the closet! If Ruffles finds you here, you’ll be torn to pieces! He’s terribly jealous. CONOR (TO HIMSELF, SCOFFING) Ruffles. Conor heads to the closet. The door bursts open and RUFFLES, a huge pitbull, bounds in. CONOR (CONT’D) Holy crap! RUFFLES’ POV: He sees his empty water bowl, then a pee stain on the wall, then Conor wearing his studded collar. Ruffles GROWLS at Conor. CONOR (CONT’D) Zoinks! Conor runs into the closet and shuts the sliding door. Ruffles opens the sliding door with his nose: it’s empty. Conor sticks his head out of the bottom drawer of the dresser. Ruffles goes to the bottom drawer. Conor climbs out the top sock drawer and scurries under the other side of the bed. Ruffles tries to get at him. GLORIA Ruffles, I’m sorry! He means nothing to me. His master never bathes him. His breath smells. Oh, and the worms!
CONOR Hey, you told me you liked my worms! Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 42.
Ruffles goes under the bed and gets on Conor’s side. Conor climbs over Gloria. Ruffles chases him, biting off his pants. Conor jumps out the window. CONOR (CONT’D) Whoa! Ruffles jumps on the bed. Gloria showers him with affection. GLORIA Ruffles, I knew you cared! CONOR (O.C.) I’m okay! An old janitor lady broke my fall! EXT. FIELD - SAME TIME Glenn runs for his life. The militiamen chase after him in their truck, shooting. GLENN (HUFFING AND PUFFING) You can’t shoot me! I’m wearing my tin foil hat! COLT Come back here and take your capital punishment like a man and not the space lizard that you is! GLENN Why couldn’t I be a real lizard person? I could change colors so they wouldn’t see me. COLT
Lieutenant Supreme Qualls, shoot him before he sprouts wings. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 43.
DJ Qualls kisses his bazooka. DJ QUALLS Burn in space hell, lizard dentist! DJ Qualls fires his over-sized bazooka at Glenn. A fiery rocket misses Glenn and explodes in a nearby silo (which reads “Peterson Corn Co.”), setting it ablaze. DJ QUALLS (CONT’D) Uh-oh. COLT Oh nuts, Ol’ Man Peterson is gonna be piiiissed. Let’s git. That’s enough warrin’ for today. Colt and the militiamen drive off. GLENN Where are you going? You can’t set a fire and then run away! As they drive off: COLT Clearly you didn’t read our mission statement! INT. CORN SILO - CONTINUOUS Glenn enters the corn-filled silo, wades into the corn and starts to beat the fire down with his military jacket. GLENN I can do this without the fire department. I’m not going to give
those glory hogs the satisfaction. His jacket starts to burn. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 44.
GLENN (CONT’D) Okay, maybe I’ll give them some satisfaction. Glenn takes out his cell phone and dials. The corn starts popping violently around him. GLENN (CONT’D) Uh-oh. INT. FIREHOUSE - SAME TIME Jackie sullenly cleans out her locker as Duke and the boys take sexy pictures of Agnes, who is painted white with black spots and is lying coquettishly in the Dalmatian’s bed. The fire alarm BLARES. ANTHONY Hey, who’s the joker who put the battery back in the smoke detector? DUKE No, I think that’s the noise when we have a fire. Let’s do this! Everyone grabs their gear and jumps on the truck, as does Jackie. DUKE (CONT’D) Oh, you’re not coming, Jack. JACKIE I’m coming whether you like it or not. I gave up a whole afternoon to train for this! Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 45.
DUKE Fair enough. But this means you’re back in the calendar. Lance, bring the camera. Agnes, you’re out. AGNES (DISAPPOINTED) Applesauce! The fire truck pulls out. Agnes hoses herself off. INT. CORN SILO - LATER SIRENS BLARE. Glenn tries to keep from drowning in the popping corn. GLENN (WOOZY) Can’t... eat... anymore... without butter and soda. EXT. FIELD - SAME TIME The firemen stand by their truck. DUKE Wow, so that’s what a real fire looks like. Bigger than I expected. Hot. Joey shoots the hose weakly. JACKIE Come on, we have to get in there! DUKE We know what we’re doing, Jack. We’re professional amateurs. (THEN) Let us mourn an extinguished Flamer, Glenn Martin.
The other firemen place their helmets over their hearts. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 46.
JACKIE What?! It’s Glenn?! DUKE Let’s remember him as he was, not as the pile of ash we’ll soon be Shop-vacing. GLENN (O.S.) Help!!! I’m starting to get full! DUKE All right, boys. Any volunteer firemen want to volunteer to put out this fire? The firemen look at their feet, whistle, etc. JACKIE Unbelievable! Jackie grabs the hose and runs to the silo. INT. CORN SILO - SAME TIME Jackie rushes into the burning silo. She sees the top of Glenn’s head sticking out of the giant popcorn pile. His tongue weakly tries to catch falling kernels. JACKIE Glenn?! GLENN (MUFFLED) Jackie, you brought a hose. Thank God, I’m so thirsty. Jackie climbs a ladder on the inside wall of the silo and begins hosing down the fire. She grabs Glenn and thrusts him over her shoulder.
JACKIE (GRUNTS) Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 47.
A piece of popcorn pops into her mouth. JACKIE (CONT’D) Wow, that is fresh. EXT. CORN SILO - MOMENTS LATER As Jackie emerges heroically with Glenn over her shoulder, the corn silo EXPLODES behind them. Popcorn shoots out the top of the silo and rains down on the field like fireworks. JACKIE (TRIUMPHANTLY) I did it! FREEZE FRAME of Jackie carrying Glenn over her shoulder. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: INT. MUSEUM OF APPALACHIA - MONTHS LATER A bronze sculpture of Jackie carrying Glenn in the same pose. DOCENT This statue commemorates the Great Sweetwater Popcorn Fire where a firefighter saved the life of an accused lizard man. This selfless act is the embodiment of Tennessee volunteerism. PULL BACK TO REVEAL the Martins proudly watching along with the firemen. DOCENT (CONT’D) Speaking of embodiments, you can also buy her calendar in the gift shop. DUKE
Impressive job, Martin. Glenn Martin, DDS Table Draft 01/15/10 "Volunteers" #214 48.
GLENN Thanks, Duke, but I’m no hero. JACKIE Kids, I think our experiences here have taught us some valuable lessons. CONOR Never come back to Tennessee? JACKIE That’s one. COURTNEY Never volunteer to help others? JACKIE And that’s the other. PAN TO Colt. COLT Come, Lieutenant Supreme Qualls. We gotta keep our eyes open for lizard men. (LOOKING AROUND) Qualls? Qualls, where are you? REVEAL DJ Qualls on the wall above, like a lizard. He snatches a fly with his tongue. FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW