Dysthymic: MFA Thesis - Metal

Item Type Thesis

Authors Sullivan, John

Rights Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International

Download date 04/10/2021 06:34:05

Item License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/4.0/

Link to Item http://hdl.handle.net/20.500.12648/1730 State University of New York, New Paltz

Dysthymic

John Sullivan Master of Fine Art Thesis 5/10/2021 Intro Moments of trauma mark pivotal shifts in my life that have forever altered my perception of self and reality. Coinciding with lifelong depression, these ailments are both a morbid source of inspiration and debilitation. My creative work is a means of articulating trauma and coping with dysthymic depression. Due to trauma’s unrepresentable nature I rely on engendered emotion as an intrinsic component in the creation of meaning. I construct empathetic experiences through sensory based affects that are understood through a compassionate engagement. These embodied translations of experience are my way of conveying that which is beyond conventional comprehension.

Background Since as far as I can remember I’ve lived in a persistent state of depression. I wouldn’t say that I’m incapable of feeling other emotions or finding moments of happiness in life, but depression has always been with me, however subtle or pronounced. It is due to the persistence of this affliction that I’ve determined its origin stems from a biological source. A brief examination of my immediate family’s medical history clearly shows that I am hereditarily predisposed towards depression and anxiety. As such, my depression has been a contributing force in the formation of my identity. Throughout the years I’ve developed ways to cope and coexist with this illness known as dysthymia, or persistent depressive disorder. However, episodes of major depression, anxiety, and other comorbid symptomatic ailments have accompanied my baseline state of depression. Due to these contributing factors, the chemical landscape of my mind has become more susceptible to traumatization, as would unfortunately be the case on two separate instances in my life; one being a sexual assault and the other being a long-term abusive relationship. These traumas fell right into place alongside my pre-existing depression. The two seem to complement and support one another perfectly. The depression creates a perfect realm for the trauma to exist and grow within, and in turn, the trauma acts as a focal point and trigger for episodes of major depression, anxiety, and other comorbid ailments. Though I often find myself succumbing to their inescapable influence, a part of me is determined to keep moving forward. Even though their presence can be felt in most aspects of my life, they do not define or control me. Having lived with depression and trauma for so long, I can easily recognize their impact and influence on who I am today, for better or worse. After each moment of trauma, I’ve experienced an alteration to my perceived identity, as though I’m made of the shattered pieces of my past selves. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I have reformed and reconstructed a new sense of self from the remnants of my psyche. To communicate these experiences, the work I create engenders emotion, or an affect, as an intrinsic component in the creation of meaning. In the discourse of trauma studies, I understand affect to be a mode of thinking that actively directs and influences your thoughts and perception. These affects lead to an intimate engagement with an emotional experience. Since trauma is inherently unrepresentable, it can be understood through the cognitive and emotional empathy brought about through contemporary art due to its ability to capture and convey meaning in more nuanced ways than language alone. To put it simply, my experience with trauma and depression is communicated through empathy produced by the interaction and viewing of my work. For my audience to grasp this understanding, I ask that they surrender control of their preconceptions of empathy, ones based in fear and pity, and to look, listen, and feel the work with compassion. To engage with this work is to bear witness to an experience that is not their own, and to submit to a mode of thinking that they may not be familiar or comfortable with. They will have thoughts and feelings that may not be understood, recognized, or are beyond articulation. The presence of these sensations is evidence of an empathetic understanding in the viewer; one that is brought on through the visual and physical experience produced by the translation of trauma and depression into art.

Dysthymic_ steel_ 26”x16”_ 2021

Suppression My engagement with the contemporary discourse around subjective traumatic experiences and the work that I create, begins with the examination and discussion of my persistent depressive disorder. Depression is classically defined as a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. It is understood as a maladaptive coping mechanism for dealing with difficult or painful emotions, thoughts, or knowledge. It affects how you feel, think, and behave and can lead to a variety of additional emotional, behavioral, psychological, and physical problems (“Depression (Major Depressive Disorder) - Symptoms and Causes”). Symptoms of depression can include, but are not limited to, feelings of hopelessness, sadness, emptiness, irritability, worthlessness, and an overall negative outlook on life. Depression can lead to an increase or decrease in appetite, weight, sleep, temperament, and energy levels. In more extreme cases, such as those of major depression, these symptoms can manifest as psychosomatic symptoms (physical sensation) or lead to self-harm, personality changes, memory difficulties, additional psychological disorders, suicidal thoughts or actions, or suicide. There are five known categories of depression, each with their own distinct characteristics and diagnoses; Major Depression, Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia), Bipolar Depression, Postpartum Depression, and Psychotic Depression (Harvard Medical School). High levels of comorbidity with other psychiatric diagnoses are common with depression, such as personality disorders and anxiety. The causes of depression can come from a variety of factors such as loss or painful experiences, trauma (both physical and psychological), biological differences, brain chemistry, hormones, inherited traits, and/or a combination thereof. According to the World Health Organization, depression is one of the most common population disorders, affecting roughly 4–10% of the population, and it is estimated that 40% of all people will experience at least one period of depression in their lifetime. As of 2019 it is reported that 30 million people, of all demographics, suffer from depression and of that number 17.3 million are diagnosed with major depression (Harvard Medical School). These startling statistics show that depression is more common and relatable then we may have previously thought, yet it is still an often difficult, if not taboo, subject to publicly discuss. It is for that reason that I have chosen to put myself and my work out there for others to see, learn from, and ultimately empathize with. By publicly addressing my struggles and experiences, I wish to contribute to the breaking down of social barriers that stigmatise these issues as a failure of self (Zoppi). The forms of depression I explore in my work are dysthymia and major depression, which both coincide with high levels of anxiety. In my search to construct an empathetic experience through sensory based affect, I found myself focusing on the psychosomatic symptoms that resulted from episodes of major depression. Somatization is defined as the tendency to experience psychological distress in the form of physical symptoms such as aches, pains, and sluggish or diminished sensation and movement (Trivedi). From my own subjective experience with psychosomatic symptoms, I find myself feeling physically weak, as though a great weight is bearing down on my body and I’m losing the strength to withstand its pull. This sensation is most present in my legs where I feel restricting aches in my muscles. Often, my knees weaken as though they are about to buckle under my own weight, and I would need to brace myself against something to prevent collapsing. This specific sensation has led me to investigate the qualities and potentials of weight as a way of conveying meaning in my work, both physically and visually. From this investigation I’ve started to notice how we as a culture perceive weight as more than a measurement of mass. The turn of phrase “this is heavy” is used to describe the severity of the situation we are faced with. When discussing the hardships, burdens, and responsibilities we are subjected to, we refer to them as the "weight we carry”. After we accomplish, complete, or are freed from stresses in our lives, we describe that release of tensions as a “weight off our shoulders”. Naturally, as a metalsmith who is well versed in the qualities of metal and body adornment, I was instinctually inclined to literally translate and embody this metaphorical weight into actual weight in the form of wearable artwork. To explore the potential properties weight can yield to this topic, I began my investigation with the use of discarded pieces of scrap steel due to their mass, tactile surface, visual qualities, and abundance. I sought out steel rods and chain from scrap suppliers and chose pieces that had clear signs of use, corrosion, age, and rust. We associate these qualities as no longer being useful or desirable, that due to their appearance they hold little to no intrinsic value. As such, this adverse perception of abandoned steel makes it an ideal material to work with when constructing embodiments of burden, discomfort, and brooding depression. Unlike the delicate and precise processes used when working with precious metals, such as silver and gold, that I’m intimately familiar with, steel required a more physically taxing and heavy-handed approach to its use. In order to alter its form and create a blackened fire-scale surface, I have to expose the steel to temperatures over 900 °F for a prolonged period of time. Once the metal’s surface is glowing orange, I compress and bend the metal using heavy hammer blows against an anvil or stake. This process is one of laborious physical endurance, repetition, and possible danger, all to create a form that will be cold, dark, and heavy in the end, an embodiment of depressive affect. Consciously taking into account my experience with psychosomatic symptoms along with a metaphorical interpretation of weight, I have designed a series of necklaces that utilize the inherent weight of metal and the traditional forms of jewelry to explore this connection. Through a small series of studies, I narrowed in on one additional, but crucial, element I hadn’t taken into account prior, the altered posture of the body when subjected to these weighted necklaces. The connection between the mind and body is one we may often overlook or dismiss when discussing mental illness. The psychophysical relationship between one's internal (psychic) and external (physical) worlds can be directly examined in the neurochemical landscape of the brain showing how external stimuli and the internal processes of the body can alter and directly affect the function and processes of the brain. The embodied theory of cognition and emotion is a bidirectional relationship between physical and psychological states. Data and evidence collected from studies examining this relationship have shown that body posture can directly affect brain activity. Evidence indicates that subjects who displayed a slumped or hunched posture also experience psychomotor symptoms, cognitive impairment, and feelings of depression. When directed into an upright expansive posture, data shows an increase in high frequency brain activity of beta and gamma waves, elevated testosterone, an increase in the ability to recall happy memories, positive thoughts, and boosted confidence (Broadbent). With all this in mind I have created the steel necklace titled Suppression. Both in form and function, this necklace bears down on the wearer with a heaviness that forces the subject to slump their head forward and hunch their shoulders, thus preventing them from sustaining an upright and positive posture. Made of a 1.5-inch-thick by 31-inch-long steel bar that required the help of a colleague and specialized tools to bend, this form evenly conforms to the neck and shoulders of the body. Attached to this form is a 1.5-inch-wide by one-half inch thick, and 80-inch-long chain whose weight pulls the steel forward and thus forces the wearer into a dysphoric position with a total of 30.8lbs of force.

Suppressive_ steel_ 51”x10”x3.5”_ 2020

Grima My investigation into weight has continued to expand into explorations of its visual qualities as well as in the ways in which the rough blackened surface of the steel can interact with other visual and tactile mediums. This in turn led me to reexamine a form of nostalgic emotional discomfort with a series titled Grima. Growing up as a kid I consistently had problems with insomnia due to my hyperactive mind being incapable of slowing down in the absence of external stimulation. Having been diagnosed with ADD at age 6, I would find myself lying awake staring into my dark and quiet room as my mind raced from thought to thought. Through this experience I would often work myself into an existential anxiety spiral which would cause me to have a panic attack. Not knowing what this was at the time, I described this emotional sensation as the inescapable experience of hearing nails on a chalkboard. This aversive auditory experience to which I’m referring to is the distinct emotion of grima. Grima is the Spanish term for a unique emotional response with a distinct physiological pattern that has yet to be defined in the English or German language (Gallo). Predominantly elicited by certain auditory stimuli, this emotional sensation is described as having the attributes of emotional and physical discomfort, disgust, fear, and tension that leads to a sense of panic. This series of steel and thread jewelry pieces speaks to the distinct emotional experience of grima through visual stimulation. The unique tension of emotional disgust and discomfort with a twinge of panic, is brought about through the dichotomy inherent in the visual forms and material qualities of the thread against the steel. In this work I combine two materials I am intimately familiar with but consider directly opposed to one another; that of steel and sewing thread. When combined into a wearable, I am struck with both a physical and visual discomfort I relate to grima. The contrasting elements of hard and soft, thin and thick, strong and weak, creates a conscious and unconscious tension similar to the sensation felt prior to a shiver down the spine.

Grima 2_ steel, thread, needle_ 4.25”x3.5”x1”_ 2021

Grima 1_ steel, thread_ 5.5”x4”x2.5”_ 2021

The 4 Minute and 12 Hour Sandwich In my two-part performance, 4 Minute Sandwich, 12 Hour Sandwich, I enacted a moment of depressive disengagement. This work takes the form of making two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, one over a 4-minute period and the other over a 12-hour period. The external structure of this performance is shown as two semi-identical videos displayed side by side. In the first performance, I record myself methodically making a PB&J sandwich, with a strong focus on the act of making the sandwich. Filmed in a controlled and visually neutralized environment of an all white studio setting, the viewers focus is unimpeded as I thoughtfully go through the simple steps of making myself a sandwich over a 4-minute period. The internal structure of the second performance is where the content of this work resides. Following the theory behind an enactment of depressive disengagement, this next performance encompasses an experience of stillness, boredom, anhedonia, lethargy, amotivation, self-efficacy, and a lost sense of time. In this second performance, I painstakingly recreate the exact movements documented in the first video incredibly slowly over a full uninterrupted 12-hour period in the same controlled setting. I then took the recorded still images from that performance and compiled them into a 4-minute time-lapse video. Due to careful planning and execution, the two videos may appear the same at first glance, however it does not take long for one to notice the jittery and unnatural movements of the time-lapse video. Though the final video is seen side by side and sped up to synchronize with the original performance, the expended amount of effort needed to complete the same task is highly disproportionate. This work reveals the difficulties one can face when in the thralls of a major depressive episode, and how the simplest and most mundane act can feel like a daunting task.

4 Minute Sandwich_ 4-minute performance_ video (still) _ 2021 Video Edit: David Mosca

12 Hour Sandwich_ 12-hour performance_ time lapse video (still)_ 2021 Video Edit: David Mosca

5’11” 147lbs. Moments of trauma change us. Experiencing psychological or emotional trauma comes in many different and extreme forms of circumstances where the subjective emotional experience of the event floods the psyche and produces a breakdown in representational systems of language, voice, or meaning. Whether the trauma comes from a singular moment or a prolonged series of events, with or without the threat of physical harm, any situation that results in feelings of being severely overwhelmed with isolation, terror, helplessness, loss, or inescapable distress and dread, can result in knowledge that cannot be phrased or rationalized. As such, the information that does not fit is forcefully encoded in the brain as trauma. To quote Ruth Ley on contemporary trauma, “…the victim of trauma has been radically affected by an external event that has somehow imprinted itself literally on or into the subject’s mind and brain in such a way to make the event inherently un-symbolizable and unrepresentable. At the same time... the traumatic memory haunts the victim in the form of a ‘replay’ or ‘flashback’ that exactly repeats the past event in all its literalness and immediacy” (Cheddie). Trauma physically imprints itself onto the subject’s mind. The term neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change its own physical structure on a cellular level, resulting in alterations to its circuitry which then impacts its operations. Under the right neurochemical conditions, the brain can synaptically encode a traumatic memory permanently (Ruden). The ‘replay’ or ‘flashback’ that was mentioned is known as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), a common symptom of trauma where invasive memories of the traumatic event flood the mind and are often accompanied with similar levels of anxiety and fear that were present when the trauma was initially experienced. The resulting aftereffects of trauma can lead to further psychological health issues, such as but not limited to, depression, anxiety, PTSD, dissociation, and other emotional and behavioral changes and disorders. In my life I have lived through two major traumatic events, each of which has deeply impacted me to the point where I have experienced a drastic change to my sense of self. I now view these moments of change as the death of a previous life. With the damaged remains of a past life, my psyche salvaged what it could in an attempt to reconstruct an identity to use as the foundation for a new life. After living with this newly constructed self for several years, I now experience moments of strong disconnect from my past memories, as though they belonged to someone else entirely. The term dissociation refers to a break in how the mind handles and processes thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. This break can directly affect one’s sense of identity and time, as though they were disconnected from their own thoughts (“Dissociation FAQs”). For me, these moments of dissociation are triggered by invasive traumatic memories, often occurring in conjunction with episodes of major depression. Though I identify now as a new individual, I still carry the weight of trauma from my past lives. Their past pain becomes a present burden I have to learn to cope and live with. But this emotional baggage I feel estranged from is stubbornly difficult to process and handle. Though I’ve learned to hide its presence from an outsider’s perspective, this deception has only hindered my ability to accurately communicate the severity of my struggles. In my work 5’11” 147lbs, I conduct a performance where I attempt to carry and handle a body pillow that is the exact height and weight of myself at the time of my second traumatic experience. With an interior core made of bags of gravel surrounded by pillow stuffing, its outward appearance is that of a deceptively light and comfortable body pillow. However, due to the plush and round form of the interior fluff, attempting to grip onto and handle this weight is significantly more difficult. To further demonstrate this struggle, I attempt to move this piece up a flight of stairs. During this performance I am incapable of lifting the entire pillow up in an attempt to carry it, so I have to resort to dragging it up each stair. Ultimately, I am still not strong enough to truly shoulder this weight. Though with both my physical and emotional growth over time, this weight will lose its burdensome impact on my life.

5’11” 147lbs_ performance_ textile, stone, pillow stuffing_ 5’11”x13”x9”_ 2020 Photo by: Deborah Corr

Compression From the desire to cope and heal emerges the need to process these difficult memories. Though in moments of dissociation I feel estranged from these past events, the vast majority of the time I am cognizant that these traumatic memories belong to me and I recognize the need to work through what occurred. But this is not a simple task that can be accomplished overnight. To process these difficult thoughts in a healthy manner takes time, effort, and the aid of counseling. Ultimately, whether I wish to work through these traumatic memories or not, they always find a way to intrude into my mind and demand my attention and energy. These traumatic memories often feel like they are on repeat, constantly replaying a loop of painful emotions. I have thought through the same memories over and over so many times I am no longer sure these recollections even resemble their origin. Though the emotional impact and content of the memories remains the same, the details now seem distorted or hazy, as though worn down through constant use. I explore this alteration of memory through an undocumented performance centered around the process of compressing a steel bar into a square form that is half the height of its original state. In this work, which I’ve fittingly titled Compression, I repeated the process of heating up the steel bar in a forge and striking it from above with a 15lb. hammer over an uninterrupted five-hour duration. This performance came to an end when the muscles in my hammering arm had failed to lift the weight of the hammer due to pure exhaustion. What I was left with was an artifact formed through a repetitive, difficult, and long process; a memory that has undergone a diminishment and alteration in form but is still composed of the same material.

Compression_ 5-hour performance_ steel_ 3.25”x2.5”x0.75”_ 2020

Put to Rest Many of these traumatic memories that I speak of come from a former long-term intimate relationship. Having started off on rocky terrain, the relationship’s dynamic quickly degraded into abuse and I lost any amount of control over the direction of my life. Though much can be said as to how and why the abuse occurred, the true catalyst of this situation was the inability to effectively, and safely, communicate. The term “pillow talk” refers to the intimate, authentic, and unguarded conversation between two lovers (Lindberg). This type of communication often reinforces a genuine and compassionate connection between the two partners, often occurring post coitus, in the safety and privacy of the bed and/or while cuddling. This form of dialogue requires trust, vulnerability, and an openness that typically involves speaking without inhibitions and self-censorship to allow for deep and honest conversation that leads to significant steps and bonds in the progression of a healthy romantic relationship. However, in a dysfunctional relationship the ability to safely divulge personal details, thoughts, and emotions is lost. Moments of honesty and trust are replaced by fear and caution. if left unchecked, This problematic rupture in communication, can shift the dynamic of the relationship into the realm of intimate partner violence. This would unfortunately become the case in my experience, where my partner’s behavior evolved from problematic to abusive as open communication broke down between us. The shared intimate space of the bedroom became a notable location of contention. Engaging with my partner under this context felt as though I was walking on eggshells through an emotional minefield, never knowing what would set them off. I began living in fear of the person I was supposed to love and trust. Their behavior and actions came from a deep sense of frustration about the direction of their life and they took out their frustrations on me. In the end we were both deeply unhappy in this relationship, though for vastly different reasons. Though I am no longer the same person I was in that relationship, I still long to give my past self the closure I was long denied. To have been able to confront my partner, speak my mind, and seek a resolution between us. But I am not that person anymore, and I’d be remiss to say that my ex-partner is also no longer the person I had known. That life we had together came to an end when we parted ways. We are not the people we were together; what remains of our past selves are but diminishing memories. Nothing can be gained or lost now, there will never be a cathartic confrontation nor a satisfactory end to our past life, it will forever be as it was left. I now find myself in a state of mourning, not for what could have been, but for the unspoken words that needed to be said. I created the work Put to Rest as a solemn representation of closure without resolution. Constructed from the fibrous layers of a steel wool mixture, I heated and hammered together this wool into fused fabric-like sheets. Working within the material and visual qualities established in my prior steel work, I subvert the physical weight of steel, as this new form relies on the visual complexity of its surface to create a sense of conceptual weight. Taking these sheets and stuffing them with fire-scaled steel wool and fusing them shut, I embody the distressing and difficult pillow talk we never had into the threads of steel. These two pillows are composed of the remnants of our sorrow, heartache, and unspoken conversations. As the memories of our life together fade into obscurity, these pillows serve as part of the death bed on which our past can be put to rest.

Put to Rest_ steel_ 19”x25.5”x1.25”_ 2021

Put to Rest (detail)_ steel_ 19”x25.5”x1.25”_ 2021

Conclusion Depression and trauma are a more common and relatable issue than we as a society may have previously thought. Though major strides have been made in the past several years to bring awareness to this growing issue and to the de-stigmatization of the public’s perception of it, there is still work to be done to progress this conversation. It is for that reason that I have chosen to publicly display my work for others to engage with, experience, learn from, and ultimately empathize with. By publicly addressing my own struggles and experiences, I wish to contribute to the breaking down of social barriers that view these issues as a failure of self. By adding my voice to the discourse around mental health awareness, I wish for others to feel confident and open to contributing their own voices and experiences as well. Though I am still on my journey of recovery, I have found hope and growth through the creation and articulation of my experiences.

Numb 1_ steel, fabric, thread_ Numb 2_ steel, fabric, thread_ 28.5”x11”x0.5”_ 2021 26”x19”x1.25”_ 2021

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