UNCENSORED Tying the Not Stop Making Sense

Product:STAR Date:03-28-2010Desk: ENT-0008-CMYK/27-03-10/17:13:00

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E8 H TORONTO STAR H SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2010 ON ON SUNDAY, MARCH 28, 2010 H TORONTO STAR H E9 ENTERTAINMENT STARGAZING POP GOES THE WEEK 1 A source says that former Banjos, boredom, bags and boys co-star Hugh Grant has offered his support to Sandra Bullock during this difficult time He told We ponder the meaning of tight pants, weird beards, Robert Pattinson’s bout of nausea and Johnny Depp’s villainous plans her he finds a transvestite prostitute takes the edge off. 1 Another source says Sandra Bullock is “leaning” on Keanu BY MALENE ARPE Reeves He told her he always finds not bathing and shaving for three weeks takes the edge off. 1 Yet another source says Betty White wants to “kick Jesse James’ ass” Betty White also often finds that being totally awesome takes the edge off. 1 And Mo’Nique says she’s there anytime Sandra needs to talk Mo’Nique finds a nice romp with her husband within the relaxed perimeters of their open marriage takes the . . . never mind. Moving on. 1 The Harry Potter Hogwarts set ALBERTO E. RODRIGUEZ burns down Says Lord CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY She’s an old-fashioned trouper in the face of adversity. Voldemort, “Mwah-hah-hah.” Dear Russell Brand and Shia Labeouf! Two words: Baggy Joan Collins puts on a brave face despite having to make 1 Brad Pitt explains his goat-y pants. Two more: Buy some. Two extra words: No really. do with a tiny piece of jewellery not befitting her station. beard: “It’s boredom. No other reason than that” Other things equally great at relieving TYRONE SIU/REUTERS boredom 1) Snails. 2) Washing CHRIS PIZZELLO/AP PHOTO Is this Donatella Versace? Or is it a crayons. 3) Pins. 4) The number TORU HANAI/REUTERS For those occasional bouts of melancholy, Steve beautiful, ethereal mermaid who has five. 5) Scotch tape on apples. Tired of playing fairy-tale weirdos and longing to do a Martin recommends vigourous banjo playing. It’s MICHAEL LOCCISANO/GETTY IMAGES learned to live on land for the benefit 1 Rosie O’Donnell says her new romantic comedy with Jennifer Aniston, Johnny Depp not going to make you any happier, but at least What is going on here? 1) Ben Stiller tries to cheer up a young Amish girl. 2) Ben Stiller and pleasure of all mankind? I think daytime talk show will be all gets ready to do away with Tim Burton once and for all. you’ll be, you know, busy playing the banjo. tries to cheer up Greenberg co-star Greta Gerwig. 3) Ben Stiller does not succeed. we all know the correct answer. about “life, love and laughter,” without a lot of celebrities In related news, I will be all about making sure not to watch. 1 Bra she blows No actresses with breast implants will be considered for the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie. 1 Jerry Springer will be hosting a new dating show on the Game Show Network That’s good news for Bombshell McGee, Tiger JEMAL COUNTESS/GETTY IMAGES JASON KEMPIN/GETTY IMAGES Woods’ former lady friends, the If Dog The Bounty Hunter’s hair mated with the hair of that fan, three large Hi, Aaron Paul. You are — no contest Jon Gosselin impersonator, my gremlins, Zach Galifianakis and Chewbacca’s mother would be the result. — the cutest boy of the entire week. three-legged dog, The Crypt Keeper, Flavor Flav and several random guys who’ve always wanted to date their own sisters. 1 Thank God. That means the flash mob nonsense is over Paula Abdul is in talks to host a flash mob dancing reality series. 1 Age before cooties Helen Mirren is beating Megan Fox in Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive March Madness Bracket. 1 John Malkovich and Frances McDormand join Transformers 3 STEPHEN LOVEKIN/GETTY IMAGES In other casting news, Josh I don’t know what’s gotten into Coco, but her AMY SUSSMAN/GETTY IMAGES ALBERTO E. RODRIGUEZ/GETTY IMAGES Duhamel, Will Smith and Arnold CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY recent tendency to modesty is making me doubt Jon Stewart, when Clint Eastwood looks eight times better than you and you Schwarzenegger sign up for an Oh Youth/ So strong and full of light/ Robert Pattinson Avril Lavigne Deryck Whibley/ Shining/ Ready for the my decision to do all my clothing shopping at have weird splotches of unidentified matter on your sweatshirt, you lose 9.3 indie flick called Requiem For Lost morn/ Of accomplishment/ Goals favoured by full force will of mind/ We rejoice/ At their countenances. the Etobicoke Thong-O-Rama. points in the game of life. Sorry. PS: I still love you like sparkling rainbows. Glimpses Of Saturn. It’s a subtitled look at the implications of growing up left-handed in the Dust Bowl and will mainly consist CHRIS JACKSON/GETTY IMAGES DAN STEINBERG/AP PHOTO PHIL MCCARTEN/REUTERS FRAZER HARRISON of the actors speaking to If there were ever to be a club called Melancholy, Yet Judgmental, Guys With Beards, Brad Pitt, Gerard Butler, Jay metaphorical fish bones while Baruchel and Antonio Banderas would stare each other down for the leadership post. Antonio Banderas would win. fighting off stop-motion sand. 1 Gwyneth Paltrow is very enamoured with Nashville and said, “Never have I met such warm people, heard such good music, eaten so much fried chicken. I could go on and on” Which she proceeded to do, causing widespread panic and spontaneous mass suicide. 1 Sean “Diddy” Combs, shilling for Ciroc Vodka, says that if, “you’re not drinking Ciroc Vodka, then you’re drinking pee- pee” Why, gosh, I think I’ll just stick to my Smirnoff and be thankful I’m not a 40-year-old man using the word, “pee-pee.” 1 Scott Weiland recounts the tale of how, when his ex-wife was in labour he got so stressed he had to go for a massage Says Scott Wieland’s ex-wife: “I hope CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY JEFF ZELEVANSKY/GETTY IMAGES CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY STUART WILSON/GETTY UMAGES you lose your wee-wee.” CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY No wonder the whole Western hemisphere is in dire financial straights. This, Learn how to walk with purpose America Ferrera is very pleased with You know what’s really fun? Having your bi-weekly contractually obligated Yes, Boy George, if Cruella DeVil were For drink recipes, don’t visit my blog Nice try with the man-purse, Jude Law. Not bad at all. But, please do yourself a right here, is where our tax money is going. Right into Gene Simmons’ mouth. with Matt Leblanc: 1) Imagine that her new sword. It is shiny and can kill photo opportunity date, just like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise. For next week a pimp, that’s exactly what she would at thestar.blogs.com/stargazing and favour and sign up for Paul Anka’s Murse Seminar. You have a lot to learn. It’s a scandal. Let’s immediately grab our pitchforks and our torches. you have a purpose. 2) Walk with it. way more people than her old sword. they’re looking forward to the 24-hour Strindberg musical laugh-athon. look like in her new Sunday finery. twitter.com/stargazingblog. UNCENSORED Tying the not Stop making sense. Dear Jennifer: Please Or, you know, go on It’s confusing consult Jessica’s statement age-inappropriate dates “Marriage, to me, is like Keep your unseemly and bring your dad along “I’ve allowed my life to “(Tabloids) distract from what do-goodery quiet, please eating meat. I think it’s gross and bleeping crazy. be public, and that is you do and what you work really “I’m telling kids, don’t go on “Do it, be charitable, but don’t It’s this superbarbaric, my responsibility. I hard at which is our movies, our the Internet, it’s dangerous, it’s make a subject of conversation old-timey tradition that can’t expect people to television shows. It’s almost like not fun, it wastes your life, and out of it because then you bore no one remembers we not have opinions on another job that you have not you should be outside playing the world to death. It’s very don’t have to do how you live your life.” chosen to be a part of. It’s like a sports or something.”

unpleasant.” anymore.” JESSICA SIMPSON soap opera that you did not sign MILEY CYRUS up for.” KARL LAGERFELD SARAH SILVERMAN JENNIFER ANISTON