By Donald Mellen

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For preview only THE PERILOUS PASSING OF PRUDENCE PROUDWELL If a live pianist is not available, consider Pioneer Drama Service’s Or… A Gold Mine in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush Between Hisses CD. With this, you can create your own custom soundtrack to accompany your melodrama, though variations will not By DONALD MELLEN be possible. PERSONUS DRAMATICUS A FEW LAST NOTES (In Order of Speaking) Remember that melodrama lives and breathes because of # of lines audience participation. Warm up the audience so they get used to LUCIFUS LANDSWIPE ...... scoundrel and absconder 146 reacting. Remind your actors to never “step on” the laugh or on of acreage any audience reaction. DOUGLAS DIGDEEP ...... excavator of peerless ability 20 MY VERY LAST NOTES (REALLY) TRUSTEE WORKHARD ...... our hero; a hardworking 65 Avoid contractions. Cheat out to the audience. Have FUN! go-getter! ORIGINAL CAST EMMA TATTLER ...... town gossip and proud 42 The Perilous Passing of Prudence Proudwell was originally performed ribbon winner as a fundraiser for Richmond Civic Theatre, and also as part of the CHANCE PROUDWELL ...... Prudence’s father; work-weary 58 Heritage Festival for the Wayne County Historical Museum September farmer and risk taker 11-13, 2015 in Richmond, Indiana. Directed by Donald Mellen and HUGGEE PROUDWELL ...... Prudence’s mother; loving, but 31 Jane Turner, the original cast was as follows: keeps the family in line Gavin Kelly ...... Lucifus Landswipe PRECIOUS PROUDWELL ...... Prudence’s sister; young, 16 Tim Emery ...... Douglas Digdeep innocent, and very naïve Eli Howell...... Trustee Workhard PRUDENCE PROUDWELL ...... our heroine; pure, sweet, and a 42 little naïve Tracie Scrivner ...... Emma Tattler SIR EPPTISHUS N. Doug Wambo ...... Chance Proudwell SKROOTABULL ...... distinguished retired 28 Heather Gard ...... Huggee Proudwell gentleman…or is he? Rebekah Howell ...... Precious Proudwell CONSTABLE CARSON ...... Sir Epptishus N. Skrootabull 2 Ashley Strait ...... Prudence Proudwell in disguise George Schmid ...... Sir Epptishus N. Skrootabull SETTING Time: Four days in the early 1890s. Place: A small Midwestern town in the United States.

ii 31 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only HUGGEE wears a dress and pocketed apron. SYNOPSIS OF SCENES PRECIOUS and PRUDENCE wear modest but flattering dresses. ACT ONE SIR EPPTISHUS wears distinguished gentleman’s attire, perhaps a Scene One: Office of Lucifus Landswipe, early afternoon. smoking jacket. Adds a villain cape and hat. Later, he wears a Scene Two: A street, same day, late afternoon (played in front of constable uniform. the curtain). PROGRAM NOTE Scene Three: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early evening. Our program listed a character of Constable Carson with the actor Scene Four: A street, the next day, late morning. name as “Pat Vilpater.” This allowed us to hide the fact that the Scene Five: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early afternoon. Constable was Sir Epptishus in disguise. Scene Six: A street, same day, a short while later. A FEW OTHER NOTES Scene Seven: Parlor of Sir Epptishus, same day, that evening. When HUGGEE hugs someone, it is almost violent. The recipient of her hugs should make a clearly audible and unique noise. ACT TWO The “crossover” scenes (in the street and played before the curtain) Scene One: Proudwell homestead, the next day, afternoon. are there for quick scene changes. The audience should never have to Scene Two: A street, same day, early evening. sit and wait for the scene to change. Scene Three: Landswipe’s office, same day, that evening. The Cripple Creek Gold Rush (in Cripple Creek, Colorado) is mentioned Scene Four: A street, the next day, morning. in this show. It lasted from 1890 to about 1893. To “localize” the setting, the following gold rushes may be substituted (or others around Scene Five: Proudwell homestead, same day, that afternoon. your area from the 1890s): Witwatersrand Gold Rush, Transvaal, South Africa (1886) SET DESCRIPTION Cayoosh Gold Rush in Lillooet, British Columbia (1884–87) Office of Lucifus Landswipe: There is a small desk LEFT with a chair Tierra del Fuego Gold Rush, southernmost Chile and Argentina behind it and a chair or stool to the RIGHT of the desk. The entrance (1884-1906) into the office is RIGHT. There is a coat rack by the entrance. Kalgoorlie Gold Rush, Western Australia (1893) A street in the town: Can be staged in front of the curtain to allow for Coolgardie Gold Rush, Western Australia (1896) scene changes. Exits are LEFT, which leads toward Lucifus’s office, and Klondike Gold Rush, centered on Dawson City, Yukon, Canada RIGHT, which leads toward the Proudwell homestead. (1896–1899) The Proudwell homestead: There is a sturdy but well-worn table Atlin Gold Rush, Atlin, British Columbia (1898) CENTER RIGHT with two matching stools on either side of the table. Nome Gold Rush, Nome, Alaska (1899–1909) The front entrance is LEFT. RIGHT is an exit further into the house. NOTES ABOUT BACKGROUND MUSIC Parlor of Sir Epptishus: The parlor is in a very nice home that is In my opinion, background music is essential to the success of perhaps a bit past its glory days. There is a fancy table CENTER flanked a melodrama. Ideally, there will be a live pianist who is capable of by two chairs. The front entrance is LEFT. UP RIGHT is an exit further playing “mood” music throughout the entire show. A pianist that can into the house. improvise mood is very hard to find, as there is little “written” music NOTE: Physical doors are not necessary for any of the scenes. beyond Pioneer Drama Service’s Between Hisses piano book. A live pianist also allows for changing things when something unexpected happens during a live performance (always a possibility!).

30 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 ALL: Gold?! THE PERILOUS PASSING OF PRUDENCE PROUDWELL PRUDENCE: Is it not wonderful? Our family is rich. ACT ONE CONSTABLE: (As he brings LUCIFUS down to speak to TRUSTEE, we Scene One see that the CONSTABLE is actually SIR EPPTISHUS disguised as 1 5 a constable.) I will take him now, sir. Come to the station next AT RISE: The office of Lucifus Landswipe, early one afternoon. LUCIFUS week to fill out the complaint.(Aside.) Fortunately, Daddy thought is sitting behind the desk working on some papers. DOUGLAS knocks of everything. (Villainous laugh. CONSTABLE and LUCIFUS begin from OFF RIGHT. to leave.) LUCIFUS: (Doesn’t look up from his papers.) Come forth. TRUSTEE: (Just before CONSTABLE and LUCIFUS are out the door.) Wait! 5 DOUGLAS: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a small shovel over his left 10 (CONSTABLE and LUCIFUS stop dead in their tracks.) Something shoulder.) You wanted to see me, Mr. Landswipe? does not feel right about all this. (Walks slowly over to CONSTABLE LUCIFUS: Yes, Douglas, I did. Please, have a seat. (DOUGLAS sits, a and LUCIFUS with an accusing stare. They are sweating bullets.) bit nervous.) Douglas, did you recently dump some detritus from How did you, Lucifus Landswipe, determine that there was gold one of your excavations into my stone quarry? on this land? 10 DOUGLAS: Yes, Mr. Landswipe, I did. I thought it would be okay. You 15 LUCIFUS: (Along with CONSTABLE, breathes a sigh of relief.) I might as told me that I could always dump my detritus into your stone well tell you. There was gold in the detritus that Douglas dumped quarry. Remember? in my stone quarry. Detritus from this property. (DOUGLAS chuckles LUCIFUS: Yes, I do. I was just wondering, where you might have been loudly.) Why are you laughing? digging that produced such pretty pebbles? (Attempts to hide his DOUGLAS: That was iron pyrite. (Looks and sees that they do not 15 true motive.) I am working on a garden, you see, and was interested 20 understand.) Fool’s gold. in using more of those pebbles as a border. CONSTABLE: (Turns and glares at LUCIFUS. Speaks with the full DOUGLAS: I did not know that you were a gardener. malevolence that only true evil could produce.) It would seem that LUCIFUS: There are a lot of things that you do not know about me, this fool made quite a large mistake. He will pay dearly for that! Douglas. (Aside.) For instance, he does not know that I swindled (Picks LUCIFUS up by the scruff of his neck.) 20 the former owner of this business to procure it. (Villainous laugh.) 25 LUCIFUS: (In childlike voice.) Eep! (CONSTABLE drags him OFF LEFT.) He does not know that I have cheated and absconded with several PRUDENCE: So we are not rich? acres of land since I took up residence here. (Villainous laugh.) And, TRUSTEE: Prudence, if I have you by my side, I would consider myself most importantly, he does not know that those “pretty pebbles” rich beyond measure. (Kneels.) Will you marry me… (Dreamy.) … contain… gold! (Villainous laugh. To DOUGLAS.) Now, Douglas, Miss Proudwell? 25 about those pebbles. 30 PRUDENCE: Yes… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard! (CURTAIN.) DOUGLAS: They were from a well I dug for Mr. Proudwell. I believe you END OF PLAY two know each other. LUCIFUS: Indeed we do, Douglas. (Aside.) A while back, I had been making a small profit from cheating the man at poker. That is, until 30 his… (Shudders at the thought.) …wife intervened. (To DOUGLAS.) So, the pebbles came from his land? DOUGLAS: Yes, they did. Did you want me to ask him about finding more pretty pebbles for you? LUCIFUS: (Almost shouts.) No! (Calms himself.) I mean, no. I have not 35 seen him for some time, so I will ask him myself. It will give us a chance to catch up. Besides, I have taken up enough of your valuable time.

28 1 For preview only 1 DOUGLAS: (Gets up to go.) I do have a lot of work ahead of me. 1 pocket. Let me see, I think it is here somewhere… (Feels inside Between basements and wells and what not, it seems like I am his pockets and removes the contract papers.) Yes, here it is. And always digging. I believe I have a pen and inkwell in this pocket. (Produces inkwell LUCIFUS: You are the most popular excavator in the county. and pen. They move to the table to sign the contract. As the pen is 5 in the air and about to make contact with the paper…) 5 DOUGLAS: And popularity has a price. Have a good day, Mr. Landswipe. LUCIFUS: And a good day to you, too, Douglas. (DOUGLAS EXITS RIGHT. PRUDENCE: (Bursts IN LEFT, still tied to the coat rack.) Hold, villain! Villainous laugh. To AUDIENCE.) This is almost too good to be true. Father, do not sign anything! I must move quickly, lest they discover what lies beneath. But ALL: Prudence! not too quickly. I must not risk tipping my hand and inadvertently PRUDENCE: This vile monster of a man, Lucifus Landswipe, faked 10 making them suspicious of my motives. I need to ponder and 10 my death, forged a letter, kidnapped me, and left me tied up in his produce a prodigiously foolproof plan to purloin the property. office. And who knows how many other despicable things he may (Villainous laugh.) Should I succeed, I shall become rich beyond have done? the dreams of avarice! (Villainous laugh. CURTAIN.) DOUGLAS: (ENTERS LEFT, out of breath.) You were hopping so fast, End of Scene One Miss Proudwell, I could hardly keep up. (Sees the crowd of people.) 15 Oh, hi, everybody. ACT ONE PRUDENCE: Mr. Digdeep released me from that villain’s office. Scene Two DOUGLAS: You did not tell me the plot number, Mr. Landswipe, so I A street, played in front of the curtain, later that same day. went to ask you. 15 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, dressed in impeccably clean clothes. PRUDENCE: And it is a good thing that he did. Mr. Digdeep heard my It is as though dirt will simply not cling to him. Walks to CENTER, 20 struggles inside Mr. Landswipe’s office and opened the door to let stops, and looks OFF RIGHT. To AUDIENCE.) Hark, a local citizen me out. Oh, and that is another thing. Mr. Landswipe is a liar! His approaches. I shall greet her and exchange pleasantries. (EMMA office is not soundproof.(ALL do a slow turn and stare at LUCIFUS.) ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, dressed modestly except for a large blue 20 ribbon pinned to her chest. She walks toward CENTER and notices LUCIFUS: Eh-heh. him. As she approaches. To EMMA.) Good afternoon, local citizen. TRUSTEE: Douglas, please fetch a constable with all due haste. EMMA: (Excited at meeting someone new.) And good afternoon to you, 25 (DOUGLAS, still slightly out of breath, nods and hastily EXITS LEFT.) I too, stranger in town. am sure we have enough evidence to get the law involved now. You have endangered your last damsel, Lucifus Landswipe! TRUSTEE: Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is 25 Trustee Workhard. LUCIFUS: Surely, you do not expect me to simply wait around to be arrested? (Starts to leave.) EMMA: And my name is Miss Emma Tattler. 30 TRUSTEE: (Intercepts him.) I do expect you to wait. TRUSTEE: I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Tattler. LUCIFUS: You little pup. I shall thrash you within an inch of your life! EMMA: Likewise. And what brings you to our lovely town, Mr. Workhard? (Strikes fight pose.) TRUSTEE: I have traveled to your lovely town in order to establish my TRUSTEE: You big swine. It is I who shall thrash you within an inch 30 own business. I do both construction and repair, and I am hoping of your life! (Strikes a fight pose. He and LUCIFUS fight. LUCIFUS to settle down in these parts. 35 loses.) Thus ends the lurid career of Lucifus Landswipe. EMMA: And did you bring your family with you, might I ask? DOUGLAS: (ENTERS LEFT with CONSTABLE CARSON, blocking the TRUSTEE: Alas, I am an orphan. I have no family, and no one to call CONSTABLE from the sight of the AUDIENCE.) Constable Carson, my own. that is the man! (Points to LUCIFUS. CONSTABLE proceeds to help 35 EMMA: (Aside.) Ooh, a bachelor. (Giggles.) up LUCIFUS and handcuff him.) TRUSTEE: I could not help but notice the rather large blue ribbon that 40 TRUSTEE: But I still do not understand. Why did he want this land? you are wearing. May I inquire as to its nature? PRUDENCE: (Hops to him.) He wanted this land for the gold.

2 27 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 CHANCE: But how do we know if that is the case? (ALL ponder and 1 EMMA: A while back, I went to our state capital’s April Showers scratch their heads for a moment.) Festival. I won first place in the “Gathering-the-Laundry Race,” and LUCIFUS: Does anyone know what her handwriting looks like? We do this is my award. have a letter that was supposedly written by her. TRUSTEE: That is quite impressive. 5 PRECIOUS: I can recognize her handwriting. I used to sneak into her 5 EMMA: Well, just between us, I wear it to make the other ladies room and read her diary. Let me see the letter. (Takes the letter jealous. (Giggles.) and examines it.) This is not her handwriting! It is a forgery! What TRUSTEE: I see. are we going to do? EMMA: (Looks OFF LEFT.) A-lark-a-lee! Is that Mr. Digdeep I see? Just HUGGEE: We are going to call in the law and have that man arrested, between us, he is the best excavator in the county. You simply 10 and our daughter brought back to us. 10 must let me introduce the two of you. LUCIFUS: I do not think the law will be much help in this case. I have TRUSTEE: I would welcome the opportunity to make his dealt with the law before. (Aside.) Usually from the wrong side. acquaintance. (DOUGLAS ENTERS DOWN LEFT and begins to (Villainous laugh. To others.) They deal only in facts and evidence. I move toward CENTER.) doubt they will be of any help at all. EMMA: Yoo-hoo! Mr. Digdeep! There is someone here I would like you 15 TRUSTEE: Besides, where would we send them? This filthy lowlife could 15 to meet. have taken her anywhere. We do not even know where to look. DOUGLAS: I always welcome the opportunity to make new friends. LUCIFUS: I disagree. He most likely took her to Cripple Creek. If EMMA: Mr. Digdeep, this is Mr. Workhard. Mr. Workhard, this is someone recognized your daughter and tells you she is in some Mr. Digdeep. other place, it would arouse suspicion. But if you thought she ran TRUSTEE: I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Digdeep. 20 away to Cripple Creek of her own will and someone told you she was seen in Cripple Creek, you would think nothing of it. 20 DOUGLAS: And I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Workhard. CHANCE: That is true. EMMA: I am sure that you boys have a lot in common and will become the best of friends. I have some errands to run, so I will be on my LUCIFUS: Thankfully, due to the keen eyes of young Miss Precious… way. (Begins to EXIT DOWN RIGHT, but stops a short distance away (PRECIOUS beams.) …we know what he does not know—that we and pretends to search through her purse so she can listen in on 25 know that the letter is a forgery. 25 their conversation.) TRUSTEE: I shall hunt down this scurrilous dog and bring your TRUSTEE: I understand that you are the best excavator in the county. daughter, my one true love, back home where she belongs. My own expertise lies in construction and repair. I have never been HUGGEE: We all will. good at excavating. CHANCE: Absolutely. We are a family that sticks together… (He and DOUGLAS: I have to admit that I do excel at excavating, but I have 30 HUGGEE hug with PRECIOUS caught between them.) …that is what 30 never been very good at construction and repair. (After a brief families do. pause, it dawns on them simultaneously.) LUCIFUS: Of course, he may hear about you hunting for him and move TRUSTEE/DOUGLAS: We should be partners! (They shake hands.) on. I have no doubt you will find him eventually. But it may take TRUSTEE: Now if I could only find a good source of lumber. quite some time and become quite costly. DOUGLAS: I happen to know of a good source of lumber. I was digging 35 TRUSTEE: I will spend every dollar I have to try to find her. 35 a well for a local farmer who has several acres of timber that he LUCIFUS: And if that is not enough? has not had the time to clear. I am sure he would sell us that CHANCE: Then I shall find more and then spend every dollar I have to timber if we agree to clear it ourselves. try to find her. Lucifus, do you still have that contract for the sale TRUSTEE: That is an excellent suggestion. Point me to his farm, and of my farm? I would like to sell it to you immediately. I shall strike a deal with this farmer immediately. 40 LUCIFUS: It would be my honor to do this favor for you, my dear old 40 DOUGLAS: His property lies that way, on the edge of town. (Points OFF friend. Actually, I think I forgot to take that contract out of my RIGHT.) You cannot miss it. I shall purchase an advertisement in

26 3 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 our local paper about our new business immediately. (They shake 1 somewhat of a line—TRUSTEE, HUGGEE, CHANCE, then PRECIOUS hands. DOUGLAS heads DOWN LEFT while TRUSTEE heads DOWN facing LUCIFUS.) RIGHT. EMMA panics and pretends to be doing several things all TRUSTEE: When the funeral director got in this morning, he found a at the same time to cover her eavesdropping. TRUSTEE does not letter where he had laid out Prudence’s body the day before. He 5 notice. Both men EXIT. EMMA regains her composure and EXITS 5 brought it here. It says Prudence faked her own death using some briskly DOWN LEFT.) kind of… (Checks the letter.) …sweetly somniferous serum… so End of Scene Two that she could run away with a gold rusher. LUCIFUS: Unbelievable! ACT ONE Scene Three TRUSTEE: That is what I said. CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early evening. 10 LUCIFUS: She was raised better than that. TRUSTEE knocks from OFF LEFT. HUGGEE: That is what I said. CHANCE: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Come in, the door is open. LUCIFUS: Why would she run off like that? 10 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS LEFT and comes into the room a couple of steps CHANCE: That is what I said. (There is a pause, and PRECIOUS waits before realizing the room is empty. Looks around for a moment but expectantly for “her turn.” It does not happen.) cannot see who bade him enter.) Hello? 15 LUCIFUS: Well, while this is certainly unexpected, I do not suppose CHANCE: (ENTERS RIGHT. He is a farmer by appearance only. He is there is anything we can do about it. She is old enough to be out well-spoken, but farming is not his passion, as he always complains on her own, and if she wants to run off— (EMMA knocks from 15 about it.) What can I do for you, young man? OFF LEFT.) TRUSTEE: Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Trustee ALL: (In unison.) Come in, the door is open. Workhard. Are you Mr. Chance Proudwell, the owner of this farm? 20 EMMA: (ENTERS LEFT.) A-lark-a-lee! My feet are killing me. CHANCE: Yes, I am. LUCIFUS: (Aside.) It is about time. I absolutely loathe having to TRUSTEE: Mr. Proudwell, I would like to discuss a certain business make small talk, but it will be worth it once I claim this property 20 matter with you. I would be very interested— as my own. HUGGEE: (ENTERS RIGHT. She is a friendly and engaging farm wife, HUGGEE: Good afternoon, Emma. Come on in and have a seat. quick to hug family, and in a distinct and energetic manner. 25 EMMA: (Sits by the table.) Thank you, Huggee dear. I do not know Sometimes the recipient is worse for the wear.) Pa! (Hugs CHANCE.) when I have walked so far in a single day. CHANCE: Ma, allow me to introduce our visitor, Mr. Trustee Workhard. HUGGEE: I was planning on talking to you later when I go to the 25 Mr. Workhard, this is my wife, Huggee Proudwell. market, but I suppose you have already heard the news. HUGGEE: Welcome to our home, Mr. Workhard. EMMA: Maybe I have heard more news than you have, dearie. TRUSTEE: Thank you, Mrs. Proudwell. Now, Mr. Proudwell, as I was 30 HUGGEE: Do tell. saying, I would like to discuss a certain business matter with you. EMMA: Well, just between us… (Looks around the room.) …all of us… I would be very interested— (PRECIOUS ENTERS RIGHT. She is the I have reason to believe that the letter, which I see that nice young 30 Proudwells’ younger daughter.) Mr. Workhard is holding, may be a forgery. (ALL make a shocked HUGGEE: Precious! (Hugs PRECIOUS.) Allow me to introduce our visitor, reaction pose.) Mr. Trustee Workhard. Mr. Workhard, this is our daughter, Precious 35 TRUSTEE: A forgery? What makes you believe so? Proudwell. (PRECIOUS sees TRUSTEE for the first time. It is love at EMMA: People in town are talking about how dear sweet Prudence was first sight, and she strikes the “love pose.” She is too enamored to being harassed by an uncouth sort. Apparently, she kept turning 35 speak.) Precious? him away. But some men, they cannot take no for an answer. Some PRECIOUS: (Snaps out of it.) Welcome to our home… (Dreamy.) … folk are saying that he kidnapped her and left that forged note so Mr. Workhard. 40 her family would not go looking for her.

4 25 For preview only 1 LUCIFUS: But I would never be able to live down the shame, should 1 TRUSTEE: (No romantic reaction.) Thank you, Miss Proudwell. anyone find out. (PRECIOUS is crestfallen, but recovers shortly thereafter.) Now, EMMA: Your secret is safe with me. Trust me. I have some secrets Mr. Proudwell, as I was saying, I would like to discuss a certain locked away in here that nobody will ever know about! business matter with you. I would be very interested… (Looks 5 around to see if another interruption is eminent.) …in purchasing 5 LUCIFUS: Thank you, my dear and true friend. much of the timber that is on your back property. EMMA: Do not mention it. After all, you have done the same for me a few times. (Gives him a conspiratorial wink. Giggles.) A-lark-a-lee! CHANCE: That would be a tall order. I do not know when I would have Is that Reginald Poshmore I see? He does not know anything that time to clear that timber. There is already so much work to do with has been going on today. We will catch up more later on. Yoo-hoo! the land I have already cleared. 10 Reggie! You are not going to believe what has been happening in 10 TRUSTEE: But wait, there is more. I propose that I purchase all of that this town. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.) timber up front. As I have need of it, I, or my new partner, will fell LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) Everything is in place. The only thing left ourselves what wood we need. is to console my dear old friend Chance Proudwell… and wait. CHANCE: And I would not need to do anything? (Villainous laugh as he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) TRUSTEE: No, sir, you would simply continue to farm as you have End of Scene Four 15 been. Gradually there will be more land cleared that you may farm, as you need. ACT TWO CHANCE: So eventually I would have to farm a larger area? I am Scene Five already fairly overworked. 15 CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead, same day, that afternoon. TRUSTEE: You would only need to farm more if you choose to do so, CHANCE, HUGGEE, and PRECIOUS are gathered around TRUSTEE, 20 sir. This is a way for you to make money off that land without doing who has just read the letter. They are all standing motionless, mouths any work. agape, until they finally speak, still stunned. CHANCE: We certainly could use the extra money. Let me think about TRUSTEE: I do not believe this. This cannot be true. this. (Pulls out a notepad and pencil, does a mental calculation, then 20 CHANCE: Why would my baby girl run off like that? writes down a number, pulls off the page and hands it to TRUSTEE.) HUGGEE: We raised her better than that. 25 Would you be able to pay me this amount? PRECIOUS: (Still feeling ignored.) I am still here. TRUSTEE: (Looks at the number.) No, sir, I would not be able to pay TRUSTEE: I still cannot believe this. you that amount. CHANCE: I thought she was happy here. CHANCE: Well, I do not think I could go any lower. 25 HUGGEE: I thought she told me everything. TRUSTEE: You misunderstand. I would not, in good conscience, be PRECIOUS: I am still here. (LUCIFUS knocks from OFF LEFT.) 30 able to pay you that amount. It is far too small. I would have to pay you twice that amount to keep my conscience clear. ALL: (In unison. Still stunned.) Come in, the door is open. CHANCE: Twice? LUCIFUS: (ENTERS LEFT, acting happy.) Good afternoon, all. I just overheard someone in town saying Prudence is not dead after all. TRUSTEE: Yes. And I simply will not take a lower number for an answer. Do we have a deal? 30 I am so happy for all of you. Where is she? HUGGEE: Gone. 35 CHANCE: We most certainly do. (They shake hands. Aside.) It has been far too long since I have had some extra money to play poker. CHANCE: Run off. HUGGEE: Pa, you are not thinking about playing poker again, are you? TRUSTEE: Not true. CHANCE: What? No, of course not. The thought never entered my head. PRECIOUS: (Quietly, almost to herself.) I am still here. HUGGEE: Good. There is a far better purpose to which we can apply 35 LUCIFUS: I do not understand. What has happened? (ALL begin 40 that money. to snap out of it and act more normally. They are standing in

24 5 For preview only 1 CHANCE: Yes, dear. 1 comes along, I will have set everything in motion and merely need TRUSTEE: (Pulls out a wad of cash and quickly counts a large part wait for it all to unfold. (Villainous laugh. DOUGLAS ENTERS DOWN of it out, hands it to CHANCE.) I believe that this is the agreed- LEFT and moves towards CENTER.) Ah, Douglas, my good friend. I upon amount? have been looking for you. 5 CHANCE: (Mouth agape, in awe.) Yes… Yes, it is. (PRUDENCE ENTERS 5 DOUGLAS: You have? RIGHT. She is the Proudwells’ older daughter.) LUCIFUS: (Aside.) Actually, that is a lie. I had almost forgotten to take HUGGEE: Prudence! (Hugs PRUDENCE.) Allow me to introduce our care of this part. I must keep up the appearance that I think dear visitor, Mr. Trustee Workhard. Mr. Workhard, this is our other Prudence has passed away. (To him.) I suppose you have heard daughter, Prudence Proudwell. the sad news? 10 PRUDENCE: Welcome to our home… (Seeing him for the first time, 10 DOUGLAS: Yes, I have. it is love at first sight, and she strikes the “love pose.” Dreamy.) … LUCIFUS: I will need you to dig a grave for the… dearly departed… in Mr. Workhard. the town cemetery. I can pay you for it later. TRUSTEE: Thank you… (Seeing her for the first time, it is love at first DOUGLAS: No need. When good folks like that lose someone so sight, and he strikes the “love pose.” Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. young, I would not feel right charging anything. I will get started 15 HUGGEE: (Notices that the two of them appear to be love-struck, 15 right away. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.) which she thinks is sweet. Also realizes that no one is talking at the LUCIFUS: Excellent! Now all that I have to do is wait for— moment.) Prudence? EMMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) A-lark-a-lee! Is that Lucifus Landswipe PRECIOUS: It is always Prudence, Prudence, Prudence! (Flounces OFF I see? You are not going to believe what has been happening in RIGHT. PRUDENCE and TRUSTEE regain their senses, but they are this town. 20 still love-struck and continue to exchange furtive glances.) 20 LUCIFUS: Do tell. HUGGEE: (Notices that her husband is still staring agape at the money. EMMA: Well, just between us, that poor Miss Proudwell who passed Gently takes it from him and puts it in her apron pocket.) Let us away? She only “passed away” out of town. This morning, the put this away until we can apply it where it needs to go. Okay, Pa? funeral director found a letter in place of her body. She went and CHANCE: (A little sad, but resigned.) Yes, dear. ran off with some stranger. 25 PRUDENCE: (Aside.) What is this that I am feeling? My heart is 25 LUCIFUS: I hope it was not that fellow I saw her with. pounding. My legs are unsteady. My palms are sweaty. Is this EMMA: Do tell. love? (To him.) It is very… nice to make your acquaintance, LUCIFUS: Well, just between us, I saw her with a rather brutish fellow Mr. Workhard. who seemed to be… manhandling her. She rebuked his advances, TRUSTEE: (Aside.) What is this that I am feeling? My heart is pounding. of course, and left, but he did not look like the sort to take no as 30 My legs are unsteady. My palms are sweaty. Is this the plague? (To 30 an answer for long. her.) It is very… (Accidentally falls into a loving gaze and loses his EMMA: You do not suppose he abducted her, do you? Gave her some train of thought.) …beautiful… er, I mean… nice… to make your sort of knock-out drug and then forged a letter to make it look like acquaintance, too, Miss Proudwell. she went with him willingly? Like one of those dime novels? PRUDENCE: (Aside.) Oh, my. Does he really think that I am beautiful? LUCIFUS: I fear that as a distinct possibility. 35 Is it possible that he has feelings for me? But what if I am wrong? 35 EMMA: That poor sweet thing! I dare not get my hopes up. (To him after a pause.) It is nice weather we have been having, do you not agree… (Dreamy.) … LUCIFUS: Oh, the shame… the shame! Mr. Workhard? EMMA: It is not her family’s fault. TRUSTEE: (Aside.) The way she says my name fills my heart with joy. Is LUCIFUS: No, it is mine. The shame of knowing that I might have been 40 it possible that she has feelings for me? But what if I am wrong? able to do something to prevent this, and yet, I did not. I dare not get my hopes up. (To her.) Yes, very nice weather… 40 EMMA: Now, dearie, do not fret, there was nothing you could (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. have done.

6 23 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 LUCIFUS: Originally, there was going to be a body. We were going to 1 PRUDENCE: (Aside.) The way he says my name fills my heart with have your funeral, and after I acquired your farm, I was going to dig joy. I feel invigorated. I feel as though, within a single day, I could you up and administer the antidote. Unfortunately, your ball-and- milk all of the cows within the state! This must be love. But, do chain-to-be made me change my plans. you think he feels the same towards me? Does he? If only I could 5 PRUDENCE: (Dreamy.) Mr. Workhard. 5 tell. (To him.) A lot of pretty clouds to look at, too… (Dreamy.) … LUCIFUS: (Shivers at the name.) Yes. His determined doggedness Mr. Workhard. deserved a drastic directional detour in response. Under the cover TRUSTEE: (Aside.) This is most definitely not the plague. I feel of darkness, I removed your unconscious form from the funeral invigorated. I feel as though, within a single day, I could build home, and left, in its place, a note. a skyscraper… ten stories tall! (To her.) Yes, pretty clouds… 10 10 PRUDENCE: What did the note say? (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. LUCIFUS: It explained how you were secretly in love with an itinerant PRUDENCE: Yes. gold rusher, how you were sorry about stringing along your strident TRUSTEE: Yes. suitor, and how you are running away to Cripple Creek with your HUGGEE: (Clears her throat.) Ahem! (PRUDENCE and TRUSTEE both cretinous consort. leap into the air with fright, as they had both momentarily forgotten 15 PRUDENCE: They will never believe it! 15 that anyone else existed in the world.) Sorry, I did not mean to LUCIFUS: No, they will not. Nor are they meant to. startle you. I was just thinking that there is still some work we need to do before the day is done. PRUDENCE: I do not understand. TRUSTEE: Of course. Before I go, I was wondering if I might ask one LUCIFUS: After they find out about the letter, they will also hear small favor? rumors of a burly brute being brusque with you. Workhard already 20 HUGGEE: And what might that be? 20 suspects foul play is involved in your internment. He will leap to the conclusion that you were abducted— TRUSTEE: Would it be all right… I mean, might I have your permission… PRUDENCE: Which I was! That is to say, might I return at some point for a… (Embarrassed, but finally gets it out.) …social visit. LUCIFUS: —by a vagrant who was headed to Cripple Creek. CHANCE: (Oblivious to what has preceded.) Of course you can. You PRUDENCE: Which I was not. 25 seem like a nice enough young man, and I do not get many visitors. 25 LUCIFUS: If he is looking for foul play, I will make sure he finds some. Do you play poker? I do love a good game of poker. (They all do a (Villainous laugh.) Cheer up, my pet, eventually you will learn to slow turn and stare towards him, in disbelief that he has not caught love me. (Villainous laugh. EXITS RIGHT.) on yet. Embarrassed.) Oh. PRUDENCE: (To AUDIENCE.) Oh, woe is me! Will no one save me? Is HUGGEE: You have our permission to return for a social visit when… all hope lost? No, I must not give up hope! I must believe that, 30 (To CHANCE.) …Prudence is available. 30 somehow, some way, my true love will come and save me! (Long TRUSTEE: I thank you, and wish you all the most glorious of days. pause.) Eventually, he will save me! (Long pause.) Any minute (EXITS LEFT.) now. (CURTAIN.) HUGGEE: Woo-hoo! (Hugs PRUDENCE, followed by CHANCE, and End of Scene Three continues to alternate between the two. CURTAIN.) ACT TWO End of Scene Three Scene Four ACT ONE A street, played before the curtain, the next morning. Scene Four LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, moves to CENTER, and looks around. 35 A street, played before the curtain, the next day, late morning. 35 To AUDIENCE.) Soon, very soon, I shall be in possession of all that I desire. (Villainous laugh.) At any moment, the family will be LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, humming a happy tune, and moves reading the forged letter. As soon as my dear friend Miss Tattler to CENTER.) What a beautiful morning. After carefully considering my options on how best to purloin the Proudwell property, I

22 7 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 remembered that a little beribboned bird had told me that my dear ACT TWO old friend had fallen behind on his mortgage. (Villainous laugh.) Scene Three But hold, here comes my beribboned songbird now. 1 CURTAIN UP: Office of Lucifus Landswipe, same day, later that EMMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and moves to LUCIFUS.) Good evening. PRUDENCE is being tied to the coat rack, which has been 5 morning, dearie. moved CENTER. LUCIFUS is finishing the last knot in the rope. LUCIFUS: And a good morning to you, my darling. LUCIFUS: There, that should just about do it. EMMA: (Giggles.) Flatterer! And what brings you out this morning? 5 PRUDENCE: (Beginning to regain consciousness.) Where am I? What LUCIFUS: I am on my way to the bank to purchase a mort— a more is happening? up-to-date calendar. (Aside.) I almost forgot that one needs to be LUCIFUS: You are in my office, my dear, and I am tying you up. 10 careful what one says around this one. (To her.) And you? PRUDENCE: Release me at once, you cur, or I shall scream. EMMA: I am on my way from the bank. The most surprising thing happened. LUCIFUS: Scream all that you wish, my lovely dove. This office is LUCIFUS: Do tell. 10 quite soundproof. EMMA: Well, just between us, I happened to be in the bank when PRUDENCE: Explain yourself at once, you scoundrel, or I shall sing Chance Proudwell came in and paid off his mortgage in full. popular songs, and they will stick in your head. 15 In cash. LUCIFUS: There is no need for such drastic measures, I will be happy LUCIFUS: What?! I mean, really? (Aside.) Curses! Foiled! to explain everything. I needed for everyone to think that you had EMMA: But that is not the most exciting news I have heard. 15 passed away. LUCIFUS: Do tell. PRUDENCE: But why? EMMA: Well, just between us, there is a brand-new gold rush that LUCIFUS: So I could buy your father’s farm, of course. If you “buy the 20 just started, at Cripple Creek, Colorado. I heard about it last night farm,” I can buy the farm. (Villainous laugh.) when I was visiting my sister in the next town over. I do believe you PRUDENCE: Why do you want my father’s farm? are the first person in town to hear about it, after me, of course. 20 LUCIFUS: Because I discovered that there is gold on that land, and it LUCIFUS: That is exciting news. must—it shall—be mine! (Villainous laugh.) EMMA: A-lark-a-lee! Is that Lucinda Ladherclimer I see? She has been PRUDENCE: How did you convince them that I was dead? 25 out of town for quite some time. I do not believe that she has seen LUCIFUS: Quite simple, really. I took an apple and infused it with a my ribbon yet. I must go over and say hello. Please excuse me, sweetly somniferous serum of slowly secreted southern sassafras dearie. (As she EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Yoo-hoo! Lucinda, dearie! 25 sap, swirled in a seemingly safe sodium solution, serendipitously LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) When one door closes… (Villainous laugh.) I settling its essence as stupefying slumber. have a new gold rush that just drops into my lap, as I go to visit my PRUDENCE: You call that simple? It sounds like it would have been 30 dear old friend who is utterly tired of farming. How delicious this easier to just kill me. will be. I have but to convince him to sell me his gold-laden farm, LUCIFUS: That would be out of the question, my fair fawn, for you so that he may rush off to seek gold elsewhere. Oh, this is rich! 30 must—you shall—be mine! (Villainous laugh.) (Villainous laugh.) Get it? Rich? Gold? (Villainous laugh continues as he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) PRUDENCE: (To AUDIENCE.) I think I am beginning to see a pattern here. End of Scene Four LUCIFUS: My solution simulates serenity so successfully that none but the most experienced doctors can tell the difference. Being ACT ONE the close family friend that I am, I offered to take care of all the Scene Five 35 arrangements so that your grieving family may mourn in peace. 35 CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early afternoon. PRUDENCE: Aha! If I am here, then there can be no funeral without The stage is empty. LUCIFUS knocks from OFF LEFT. my body.

8 21 For preview only 1 HUGGEE: Is she…? (Cannot bear to finish the thought. LUCIFUS tosses 1 PRECIOUS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Come in, the door is open. (LUCIFUS the spider away and moves UPSTAGE of the table. He does the ENTERS LEFT.) Good afternoon, Mr. Landswipe. It has been quite standard old-timey “are they dead” test. Takes her wrist between some time since you visited our home. two fingers, raises her arm above the table, holds it in place for a LUCIFUS: (Gollum-like.) My precious. (Clears his throat.) Ahem, sorry, 5 beat, releases her wrist, which, after a half-beat, drops to the table.) 5 had a frog in my throat. My, Precious, how lovely you look today. LUCIFUS: She is dead! PRECIOUS: Why, thank you, Mr. Landswipe. It is nice to hear that ALL EXCEPT LUCIFUS: Noooooo… (Huge intake of breath.) … someone around here appreciates me. oooooo… (CURTAIN. Continues after CURTAIN is down.) …oooooo! LUCIFUS: Is your father home? End of Scene One PRECIOUS: (Disappointed that he dismissed her so quickly.) Yes, I 10 shall get him for you. ACT TWO Scene Two LUCIFUS: Thank you, my dear. A street, played before the curtain, same day, early evening. PRECIOUS: (Turns RIGHT and screams, almost like a hog call.) Pa! (LUCIFUS almost jumps out of his skin.) 10 LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. To AUDIENCE.) So far, so good. Not only have I removed the main reason that prevented my dear old CHANCE: (From OFF RIGHT.) What? friend from selling me his farm, I have also provided a reason for 15 PRECIOUS: (Still yells.) Mr. Landswipe is here! him to move and get a fresh start elsewhere. (Villainous laugh.) CHANCE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Be right there! But soft, someone approaches. PRECIOUS: (To LUCIFUS, smiles politely.) He shall be with you 15 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with PRECIOUS, who is crying. momentarily. Please wait here. (Turns and EXITS RIGHT in a huff.) Comforts the distraught young woman.) There, there. Try to stay LUCIFUS: (To himself.) What a dainty creature. strong for your parents’ sake. 20 CHANCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) This is a surprise. To what do I owe the PRECIOUS: (Sees LUCIFUS.) Oh, Mr. Landswipe, I wanted to thank you pleasure of your company? for your offer to help our family in making all of the arrangements LUCIFUS: I merely came to check in on a dear old friend who I have 20 for my… (Cries the rest.) …dear… departed… sister. (Bawls.) not seen for quite some time. LUCIFUS: Think nothing of it, my dear. It is the least that an old family CHANCE: That is so very kind of you. friend could do. And what brings the two of you out at this hour? 25 LUCIFUS: I know. So, how have you been? TRUSTEE: Precious is in need of a funeral dress. (PRECIOUS bawls again.) We are trying to find one for her before the shops are CHANCE: Mostly I have been tired. There always seems to be a pile 25 closed. After that, I need to begin my investigation. of work to do and not enough time to do it in. LUCIFUS: I beg your pardon, did you say “investigation”? LUCIFUS: Ah, yes. I do seem to recall you mentioning the debilitating and draining drudgery of digging in the dirt. TRUSTEE: Yes, I did. I cannot shake the feeling that there is something very strange about the death of my beloved. (PRECIOUS bawls 30 CHANCE: Um, I guess I did… again.) I shall not rest until I have learned the truth. Now, if you will LUCIFUS: To be in the impotent, pointless and perilously plodding 30 excuse us, it is getting late. position of plowing, planting, and picking in parched, puny parcels LUCIFUS: Of course, of course. (TRUSTEE and PRECIOUS EXIT DOWN of pebbles. LEFT. To AUDIENCE.) Well, this is a disturbing development. I had CHANCE: (As if each word had added a weight to the burden of work not counted on the full meddlesome nature of a do-gooder. I 35 that he never wanted to carry in the first place.) Well, when you put cannot afford to have my elixir discovered. It seems that I will need it like that… 35 to employ plan B of our scheme. Fortunately, Daddy thought of LUCIFUS: I do not envy you, my friend. everything. (Villainous laugh continues as he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) CHANCE: I do not envy myself, either. End of Scene Two

20 9 For preview only 1 LUCIFUS: While other men become millionaires overnight, with 1 someone, and then that first someone had to carry them back all very little work, I understand you continue on your chosen path by herself. (Slyly removes the apple from the table during her speech undaunted, determined to see it through to the very bitter end. and steps away from the table. HUGGEE takes the apple away as CHANCE: What was that part about very little work again? PRECIOUS passes by. PRECIOUS reacts, indignant, but is ignored.) 5 LUCIFUS: Marching, marching, marching ever onwards. Marching 5 TRUSTEE: I am sorry I was not able to obtain an apple for you… towards that sweet release that allows you to lay down your (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. final burden. HUGGEE: You know, we could consider this apple as your gift. After CHANCE: Millionaires overnight, you said? all, it is the thought that counts. (Hands the apple to PRUDENCE.) LUCIFUS: I am sorry, what are you asking about? PRUDENCE: (To her.) Thank you. (To him.) And thank you… (Dreamy.) 10 …Mr. Workhard. 10 CHANCE: You mentioned something that other men are doing. What is this thing that other men are doing? TRUSTEE: You are most welcome… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. LUCIFUS: I had assumed that you already knew. They found gold, my (PRUDENCE takes a bite from the apple. LUCIFUS, now eager, friend. Gold that can be found at… Cripple Creek. checks his pocket watch as though he is timing something.) CHANCE: Cripple Creek? And did they find a lot of gold? PRUDENCE: Mmmm. It is delicious. 15 TRUSTEE: I understand that there is a barn dance coming up soon… 15 LUCIFUS: My understanding is that there are nuggets of gold the size of your fist. Of course, one must expend the effort to extract them. (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. CHANCE: Of course. And how much effort would that be? PRUDENCE: Why, yes, I believe there is… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard. LUCIFUS: Why, it is the effort required to simply bend over and pick TRUSTEE: Do you already have an escort for this particular barn them up off the ground. dance… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell? 20 PRUDENCE: Why, no, I do not currently have an escort… (Dreamy.) … 20 CHANCE: Really? Mr. Workhard. LUCIFUS: Really! TRUSTEE: If I obtain your parent’s permission, would you be willing to CHANCE: That sounds like a lot less work than farming. accompany me to this barn dance… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell? LUCIFUS: It is a lot less work, but that kind of thing is not for men PRUDENCE: I believe that my answer, in this case, would have to be… like us. 25 (Drops into a dead faint. ALL strike a pose of shock.) 25 CHANCE: It is not? LUCIFUS: (Aside. Checks his watch.) Right on time. (Villainous laugh.) LUCIFUS: No, it is not. Men like us, who like to weigh our options And not a moment too soon. If I had to listen to one more… before making a decision, cannot benefit from this. This takes (Mocks their tone.) …“Mr. Workhard,” “Miss Proudwell,” I would strong decisive men who are willing to take swift action to receive have become ill. Now for a bit of misdirection. (Goes back to a huge rewards. 30 shocked pose.) 30 CHANCE: I can take swift action. ALL: (Overlapping expressions and murmurs.) What happened? Is she LUCIFUS: Men who have some capital available so they can transport all right? Did she faint? (Etc.) themselves and their entire families to where they need to be. LUCIFUS: Wait! What is that? (Walks over to her and removes an item CHANCE: Their entire families? from the pocket he checked earlier and palms it as he reaches LUCIFUS: Yes, their entire families. 35 towards her arm. He then pretends to pull the item out from under 35 CHANCE: I do not have that kind of capital available. her sleeve and holds it up toward the AUDIENCE. It is a spider.) It is as I feared! LUCIFUS: Exactly my point. We do not have access to that kind of capital. We do not own anything that we could sell for enough TRUSTEE: What is that? money to finance such a trip. LUCIFUS: This is Latrodectus Hesperus. The Black Widow. CHANCE: I own something. 40 TRUSTEE: No! 40 LUCIFUS: What do you own? LUCIFUS: Yes!

10 19 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 CHANCE: Oh, yeah. (PRECIOUS begins to take a bite from the apple. 1 CHANCE: I own this farm. LUCIFUS cringes.) LUCIFUS: Really? I had not been aware of that. I am afraid that I HUGGEE: Precious! (Takes the apple.) No snacks before supper. have misjudged you, my friend. You are indeed a man of swift, PRECIOUS: Aw, Ma. decisive action. 5 HUGGEE: You know, Pa, if you did not snack between meals, then 5 CHANCE: Yes, I am. it might not put such ideas in the young one’s head. (TRUSTEE LUCIFUS: I salute you. But wait! You would need to find someone who knocks from OFF LEFT.) That must be Mr. Workhard now. (Hands is willing to buy this farm almost immediately. the apple to CHANCE, crosses LEFT and straightens herself.) Come CHANCE: Yes, I suppose I would. in, the door is open. LUCIFUS: Do not fear, for I am willing to help you. I am willing to make 10 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good afternoon, everyone. 10 the great sacrifice of purchasing your farm so that you may fulfill HUGGEE: Mr. Workhard! (Hugs him.) Come in, come in, you are right your dreams. on time. (Ushers him toward the table and chairs RIGHT. CHANCE is CHANCE: You will? You are such a good friend to me, Lucifus. about to take a bite from the apple as they pass, and she takes the LUCIFUS: I know. I shall return posthaste with all of the necessary apple from him before he can.) No snacks before supper. documents and, of course, your money. You are a better man than 15 CHANCE: Aw, Ma. 15 I am, Chance Proudwell. HUGGEE: (Motions for TRUSTEE to take the seat to the left of the table. CHANCE: Aw, shucks. TRUSTEE does so. Places the apple on the table.) Prudence should PRUDENCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Father, Precious says the privy is backed be along any moment. up again. TRUSTEE: Thank you, Mrs. Proudwell. CHANCE: I best go take care of this, Lucifus. (Gains a look of steely 20 PRUDENCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Good afternoon, everyone. 20 determination.) This could take a while. (Rolls up his sleeves as he HUGGEE: Prudence! (Hugs her.) We have your seat right here. EXITS RIGHT.) PRUDENCE: (Sits.) Good afternoon… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard. PRUDENCE: Good afternoon, Mr. Landswipe. I have not seen you in TRUSTEE: Good afternoon… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. quite some time. PRUDENCE: (Notices the apple.) Oh! (Picks up the apple and LUCIFUS: (Aside. Argues with himself.) Egads! Had I known what sweet 25 polishes it.) 25 little Prudence had blossomed into, you could not have kept me HUGGEE: (Softly.) Prudence! We must not forget our manners. away from this place. But, no, I must stick to my plan. (Steps out of aside, but still vacillates back and forth between staying and leaving, PRUDENCE: Oh! Please, have an apple… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard. ultimately returning. Aside.) But she is so beautiful, so innocent. But (Places the apple on the table near him.) I have no time for this. I must act quickly before they discover the TRUSTEE: Thank you… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. (Picks up the 30 gold that is on their property. (Steps out of aside, but still vacillates 30 apple, thinks about it. LUCIFUS looks on with concern.) On second back and forth between staying and leaving, then returns again. thought, I should not snack before supper. (Places the apple back Aside.) But she is such a tempting morsel. But I have no time. in the center of the table.) (Steps out of aside, and begins to quiver and shake with the internal HUGGEE: (Quietly.) Such a good boy. conflict, then suddenly stops. EXITS quickly LEFT. RE-ENTERS quickly. TRUSTEE: I was actually going to bring you an apple… (Dreamy.) … 35 To her.) Good afternoon! (EXITS again quickly LEFT.) 35 Miss Proudwell. PRUDENCE: (Pauses for a moment, perplexed.) How odd. (Begins to PRUDENCE: You were… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard? EXIT RIGHT. CURTAIN.) TRUSTEE: Yes, I had heard you liked them. I went to the market to End of Scene Five purchase one for you, but they were all sold out. PRECIOUS: (Leans on the table as she speaks.) That is because 40 someone was ordered to go to the market and get apples for

18 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only ACT ONE 1 becomes more and more joyous and begins a villainous laugh that Scene Six crescendos. CURTAIN.) 1 A street, played before the curtain, the same day, a short while later. End of ACT ONE LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT and moves to CENTER, carrying some ACT TWO contract papers and a check. Stops CENTER to admire his work on Scene One the contracts.) Beautiful. Lucifus, old boy, you are a genius, if I do CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead. Afternoon, the next day. 5 say so myself. (Villainous laugh.) I was able to prepare this legally binding and ironclad contract in record time. In but a few brief LUCIFUS sneaks ON LEFT, looks around, then pulls an apple from his moments, the Proudwell farm and all of the gold that lies beneath 5 pocket. He sneaks to the table RIGHT and places the apple in the its unassuming soil will be mine. (Villainous laugh.) Mine, mine, middle of the table. He then sneaks CENTER, looks around, checks mine, mine, mine! (Villainous laugh.) Gold mine! (Villainous laugh.) another pocket and seems satisfied with its contents. 10 Gold mine mine! (Villainous laugh.) But soft, someone approaches. LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) The trap is set and baited. Now I have but EMMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and moves to LUCIFUS.) Good to spring it. (Villainous laugh. Sneaks OFF LEFT and then knocks afternoon, dearie. 10 from OFF LEFT.) LUCIFUS: And a good afternoon to you, my little chickpea. CHANCE: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Come in, the door is open. EMMA: (Giggles.) You cad. (Giggles.) And what brings you out this afternoon? LUCIFUS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good afternoon, my dear old… (Looks around in confusion for a moment at the empty room.) 15 LUCIFUS: (Hides papers behind his back.) I was just out for a bit of a stroll. But I am glad that I ran into you. As it just so happens, I CHANCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Good afternoon, Lucifus. Another visit believe I know something that you do not. 15 so soon? EMMA: Do tell. LUCIFUS: Yes, indeed, my dear old friend. We should not have let ourselves become so out of touch with one another. Let us make LUCIFUS: Well, just between us, I have heard that Mr. Proudwell these friendly visits a regular occurrence. 20 intends to sell his farm and go off on some grand adventure. It does sound quite exciting. CHANCE: That sounds like an excellent idea. EMMA: Well… it did. 20 LUCIFUS: I cherish these opportunities to visit with you and your family. LUCIFUS: It did? Do tell. CHANCE: And my family? EMMA: Well, just between us, it turns out that Mr. Proudwell’s “grand LUCIFUS: Yes, and your family. 25 adventure” was to run off to the latest gold rush like a fool. I do CHANCE: Well, I guess I could ask them to join us. (Turns around and not know how that man came up with such a harebrained notion, yells, as Precious did previously.) Family meeting! but Mrs. Proudwell set him straight in a hurry. 25 LUCIFUS: (Almost jumps out of his skin.) I see now where your youngest LUCIFUS: She did? daughter gets her charm. EMMA: She most certainly did. After all, they just paid off their CHANCE: Ah, speak of the devil. 30 mortgage on the farm and own it outright. On top of that, their PRECIOUS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I am here, Pa. (Passes by the table, eldest daughter has a brand new gentleman caller. notices the apple and picks it up. Throughout the rest of this, LUCIFUS: She does? 30 LUCIFUS reacts as the apple is passed around and handled, but he EMMA: Indeed. He is that new fellow in town. tries to hide his reactions from the others.) LUCIFUS: He is? LUCIFUS: (Overly loud.) Precious! (PRECIOUS is startled and bobbles the apple. Normal volume.) How lovely to see you again. 35 EMMA: Yes, he is. Did I not tell you about him? His name is Mr. Trustee Workhard. He started a construction and repair business. HUGGEE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Precious! (Hugs her.) Pa! (Hugs him.) Oh, I Handsome, strong, and a real go-getter type of man. The most 35 see we have company. Good afternoon, Mr. Landswipe. (To CHANCE.) desirable bachelor in town, and Prudence landed that catch the I was wondering why you called a family meeting when you know same day he arrived. that Prudence is getting ready for a social visit from Mr. Workhard.

12 17 For preview only 1 SIR EPPTISHUS: Wait here, I need some time to consider this. (Begins 1 LUCIFUS: How could you possibly know all of this? to EXIT UP RIGHT, then turns back.) And do not mess with my things. EMMA: Well, I bumped into Mr. Workhard yesterday and accidentally You will break something. (EXITS UP RIGHT.) heard about his business plans. Then just a moment ago, I was LUCIFUS: Let me think. If he refuses, what other means of manipulation in the market and bumped into Precious Proudwell. She kept 5 might I manage to modify his mindset? 5 muttering “Prudence, Prudence, Prudence,” so I thought I’d better SIR EPPTISHUS: (From OFF UP RIGHT.) Is that alliteration I hear check on her to see if she was okay. It turns out that she was sent coming from in there? to the market to get some apples. Apparently, Prudence just loves LUCIFUS: (Reflexively childlike.) Sorry, Daddy. apples, but the rest of the family can take them or leave them, so they do not keep a lot of them around. Anyways, as we were talking, SIR EPPTISHUS: (From OFF UP RIGHT.) That is all right, son. (ENTERS 10 she just happened to mention how her sister was all agog over 10 UP RIGHT, now wearing his own villain cape and hat.) Alliterative this new fella, and about her daddy’s harebrained scheme, and approaches are always allowed. her mama setting her daddy straight, and how no one appreciates LUCIFUS: Father! her there. I do not know why everybody keeps telling me all these SIR EPPTISHUS: Now, describe your objective in as few words as possible. things. I guess I just have one of those “trustworthy faces.” (Shows LUCIFUS: Acquire land and daughter from man. 15 LUCIFUS, and thereby the AUDIENCE, what she considers to be her 15 SIR EPPTISHUS: I understand. “trustworthy face.”) LUCIFUS: You do? LUCIFUS: Amazing! (Aside.) This woman is practically a miracle worker in the craft of gossip. SIR EPPTISHUS: Yes, you want to acquire a mortgage-paid-off farm that has something valuable on it, of which the farmer is unaware. EMMA: A-lark-a-lee! Is that Buddy Selzalot I see? I have needed a new A do-gooder is currently courting his beautiful and innocent 20 oven mitt for ages, and that traveling salesman case of his is a 20 daughter. In the process of acquisition, you want to make her your veritable cornucopia. Plus, he always has such interesting stories. plaything and remove the farmer, his family, and the do-gooder I really hate to chat and run, but I must be toddling off. (As she from the equation. Is that about it? EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Yoo-hoo! Buddy! Over here! LUCIFUS: Yes, but how did you…? LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) Curses, foiled again! On the bright side, 25 this little setback could give me another chance at the lovely SIR EPPTISHUS: Simple. You could handle a straightforward land grab Prudence. On the other hand, she will prove to be a more difficult 25 on your own. You have done so many times before. Since you need objective now that she has a suitor. Blast that ignoramic interloper! my help, there must be a time factor involved, which implies that Beyond that, there is the inevitable ticking of the clock. How long you made a recent discovery and want to acquire the land before before they discover what is on their property? A month? A week? they find out why you want it. It is most likely a farm because 30 A day? (During the following, he becomes increasingly conflicted.) a large farm would cover enough area to obtain all of what you I must choose between the shiny hard amber of treasure, and 30 discovered in a single purchase from a single man. The mortgage the silky soft alabaster of pleasure. I must obtain the gold! But I must already be paid off, because an unpaid mortgage presents must obtain the girl! No, the gold! No, the girl! The gold! The girl! its own solution. The daughter must be beautiful and innocent, Gold! Girl! Gold! Girl! (Again he begins to quiver and shake with because that is our one weakness. Unfortunately, women like that 35 the internal conflict, then suddenly stops.) Both! (Villainous laugh.) draw do-gooders to them as the moth is drawn to the flame. Lastly, Unfortunately, devising such a plan, within the time allotted, is 35 the farmer must have even more family than just a daughter to beyond even my formidable skills. But, there is one man… a maintain such a large farm. man who is a master manipulator, a superlative schemer and a LUCIFUS: Astounding! preeminent plotter… a man I swore I would never deal with again. SIR EPPTISHUS: I know. Now, I must cogitate. (Paces back and forth, 40 I must seek out… Sir… Epptishus… N… Skrootabull! (Villainous rejects a few ideas, and then.) Eureka! (Villainous laugh. Motions laugh continues as he EXITS DOWN LEFT.) 40 LUCIFUS closer. They both check for eavesdroppers, and then End of Scene Six he begins to whisper in LUCIFUS’S ear. As he does so, LUCIFUS

16 13 For preview only ACT ONE 1 LUCIFUS: Because—and you know how much I hate to admit this— Scene Seven you are simply the best there ever was. In all these years, you 1 CURTAIN UP: Parlor of Sir Epptishus, that evening. SIR EPPTISHUS, have never been caught, never once spent a day in jail. a distinguished-looking retired gentleman, perhaps in a smoking SIR EPPTISHUS: Flattery will get you nowhere with me, boy. jacket, is sitting in the RIGHT chair reading a book. LUCIFUS knocks 5 LUCIFUS: I know that full well. I was hoping that you would do this for from OFF LEFT. old time’s sake? 5 SIR EPPTISHUS: (Sets down his book.) Come forth. SIR EPPTISHUS: No. LUCIFUS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good evening. LUCIFUS: Because it will give you a chance to cap your career with SIR EPPTISHUS: (Jumps to the RIGHT from his chair.) Gadzooks! one last great score? (When he jumps, LUCIFUS reacts. They are both in a semi-crouch 10 SIR EPPTISHUS: No. that looks as though it is a cross between being ready to leap into LUCIFUS: (Drops to one knee, pleading.) Please, Daddy! 10 battle and being ready to run away.) I never thought that I would see you again. SIR EPPTISHUS: (Glares at LUCIFUS for a moment.) I told you never to call me that. You would plead with me and trade on base familial LUCIFUS: Nor I you, but circumstances change. emotions to manipulate me? SIR EPPTISHUS: What do you want here? 15 LUCIFUS: Yes? LUCIFUS: I mean you no harm. I am only seeking your advice SIR EPPTISHUS: (Smiles.) Son! 15 and guidance. LUCIFUS: Father! (They embrace.) SIR EPPTISHUS: That will be the day. Why should I trust you after the way you double-crossed me on our last encounter? SIR EPPTISHUS: Son, I have a confession to make. There is a reason that, in all these years, I have never been caught. I have never LUCIFUS: You should reverse that statement. It was you who double- 20 faced… a do-gooder. (Says the word “do-gooder” as though it has a crossed me on our last encounter. foul taste in his mouth.) 20 SIR EPPTISHUS: No, it was you who— LUCIFUS: Never? LUCIFUS: No, no, no, it was you who— SIR EPPTISHUS: Do not get me wrong. Plenty of do-gooders would SIR EPPTISHUS: Yoo-hoo! (They both begin to relax as it turns into show up, but when they did, I would abandon a project. shoptalk.) Are you referring to the Hootenanny Hornswoggle? 25 LUCIFUS: Why? Because I distinctly remember— SIR EPPTISHUS: I had seen too many of our friends and colleagues 25 LUCIFUS: That was not our last encounter. I am referring to the sent away because of a do-gooder sticking his nose in where it Diphtheria Disinfectant Dipsy-Doodle. did not belong. I’ve lost too many friends. (Reminisces.) Simon SIR EPPTISHUS: First of all, what I did then was minuscule in Snarewell… Robert Rhottenus… Cadly Kardshark… Maleficent comparison to your betrayal. Secondly, that was the summer 30 Syreen… (Said with appreciative/lustful expression. She was before the Hootenanny Hornswoggle. obviously a superbly successful seductress.) Vandall VonLech… 30 LUCIFUS: Are you sure? LUCIFUS: Oh, he was a mean one! SIR EPPTISHUS: Quite sure. SIR EPPTISHUS: I know he could seem a little rough around the LUCIFUS: Oh. Well, in that case, I suppose I owe you an apology. edges. I think it was his German accent. SIR EPPTISHUS: And a new sideboard. 35 LUCIFUS: Father, I know you well. I am willing to bet that you have LUCIFUS: Yes, we can settle accounts later. Currently, I need your help spent your retirement conjuring the method you would have used 35 with a little problem whose solution could prove quite profitable. to defeat those do-gooders. SIR EPPTISHUS: And why have you come to me for this help? SIR EPPTISHUS: What of it? LUCIFUS: Help me with this, Father. You are perhaps the only one 40 among us who can devise a device to defeat a do-gooder.

14 15 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only ACT ONE 1 LUCIFUS: Because—and you know how much I hate to admit this— Scene Seven you are simply the best there ever was. In all these years, you 1 CURTAIN UP: Parlor of Sir Epptishus, that evening. SIR EPPTISHUS, have never been caught, never once spent a day in jail. a distinguished-looking retired gentleman, perhaps in a smoking SIR EPPTISHUS: Flattery will get you nowhere with me, boy. jacket, is sitting in the RIGHT chair reading a book. LUCIFUS knocks 5 LUCIFUS: I know that full well. I was hoping that you would do this for from OFF LEFT. old time’s sake? 5 SIR EPPTISHUS: (Sets down his book.) Come forth. SIR EPPTISHUS: No. LUCIFUS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good evening. LUCIFUS: Because it will give you a chance to cap your career with SIR EPPTISHUS: (Jumps to the RIGHT from his chair.) Gadzooks! one last great score? (When he jumps, LUCIFUS reacts. They are both in a semi-crouch 10 SIR EPPTISHUS: No. that looks as though it is a cross between being ready to leap into LUCIFUS: (Drops to one knee, pleading.) Please, Daddy! 10 battle and being ready to run away.) I never thought that I would see you again. SIR EPPTISHUS: (Glares at LUCIFUS for a moment.) I told you never to call me that. You would plead with me and trade on base familial LUCIFUS: Nor I you, but circumstances change. emotions to manipulate me? SIR EPPTISHUS: What do you want here? 15 LUCIFUS: Yes? LUCIFUS: I mean you no harm. I am only seeking your advice SIR EPPTISHUS: (Smiles.) Son! 15 and guidance. LUCIFUS: Father! (They embrace.) SIR EPPTISHUS: That will be the day. Why should I trust you after the way you double-crossed me on our last encounter? SIR EPPTISHUS: Son, I have a confession to make. There is a reason that, in all these years, I have never been caught. I have never LUCIFUS: You should reverse that statement. It was you who double- 20 faced… a do-gooder. (Says the word “do-gooder” as though it has a crossed me on our last encounter. foul taste in his mouth.) 20 SIR EPPTISHUS: No, it was you who— LUCIFUS: Never? LUCIFUS: No, no, no, it was you who— SIR EPPTISHUS: Do not get me wrong. Plenty of do-gooders would SIR EPPTISHUS: Yoo-hoo! (They both begin to relax as it turns into show up, but when they did, I would abandon a project. shoptalk.) Are you referring to the Hootenanny Hornswoggle? 25 LUCIFUS: Why? Because I distinctly remember— SIR EPPTISHUS: I had seen too many of our friends and colleagues 25 LUCIFUS: That was not our last encounter. I am referring to the sent away because of a do-gooder sticking his nose in where it Diphtheria Disinfectant Dipsy-Doodle. did not belong. I’ve lost too many friends. (Reminisces.) Simon SIR EPPTISHUS: First of all, what I did then was minuscule in Snarewell… Robert Rhottenus… Cadly Kardshark… Maleficent comparison to your betrayal. Secondly, that was the summer 30 Syreen… (Said with appreciative/lustful expression. She was before the Hootenanny Hornswoggle. obviously a superbly successful seductress.) Vandall VonLech… 30 LUCIFUS: Are you sure? LUCIFUS: Oh, he was a mean one! SIR EPPTISHUS: Quite sure. SIR EPPTISHUS: I know he could seem a little rough around the LUCIFUS: Oh. Well, in that case, I suppose I owe you an apology. edges. I think it was his German accent. SIR EPPTISHUS: And a new sideboard. 35 LUCIFUS: Father, I know you well. I am willing to bet that you have LUCIFUS: Yes, we can settle accounts later. Currently, I need your help spent your retirement conjuring the method you would have used 35 with a little problem whose solution could prove quite profitable. to defeat those do-gooders. SIR EPPTISHUS: And why have you come to me for this help? SIR EPPTISHUS: What of it? LUCIFUS: Help me with this, Father. You are perhaps the only one 40 among us who can devise a device to defeat a do-gooder.

14 15 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 SIR EPPTISHUS: Wait here, I need some time to consider this. (Begins 1 LUCIFUS: How could you possibly know all of this? to EXIT UP RIGHT, then turns back.) And do not mess with my things. EMMA: Well, I bumped into Mr. Workhard yesterday and accidentally You will break something. (EXITS UP RIGHT.) heard about his business plans. Then just a moment ago, I was LUCIFUS: Let me think. If he refuses, what other means of manipulation in the market and bumped into Precious Proudwell. She kept 5 might I manage to modify his mindset? 5 muttering “Prudence, Prudence, Prudence,” so I thought I’d better SIR EPPTISHUS: (From OFF UP RIGHT.) Is that alliteration I hear check on her to see if she was okay. It turns out that she was sent coming from in there? to the market to get some apples. Apparently, Prudence just loves LUCIFUS: (Reflexively childlike.) Sorry, Daddy. apples, but the rest of the family can take them or leave them, so they do not keep a lot of them around. Anyways, as we were talking, SIR EPPTISHUS: (From OFF UP RIGHT.) That is all right, son. (ENTERS 10 she just happened to mention how her sister was all agog over 10 UP RIGHT, now wearing his own villain cape and hat.) Alliterative this new fella, and about her daddy’s harebrained scheme, and approaches are always allowed. her mama setting her daddy straight, and how no one appreciates LUCIFUS: Father! her there. I do not know why everybody keeps telling me all these SIR EPPTISHUS: Now, describe your objective in as few words as possible. things. I guess I just have one of those “trustworthy faces.” (Shows LUCIFUS: Acquire land and daughter from man. 15 LUCIFUS, and thereby the AUDIENCE, what she considers to be her 15 SIR EPPTISHUS: I understand. “trustworthy face.”) LUCIFUS: You do? LUCIFUS: Amazing! (Aside.) This woman is practically a miracle worker in the craft of gossip. SIR EPPTISHUS: Yes, you want to acquire a mortgage-paid-off farm that has something valuable on it, of which the farmer is unaware. EMMA: A-lark-a-lee! Is that Buddy Selzalot I see? I have needed a new A do-gooder is currently courting his beautiful and innocent 20 oven mitt for ages, and that traveling salesman case of his is a 20 daughter. In the process of acquisition, you want to make her your veritable cornucopia. Plus, he always has such interesting stories. plaything and remove the farmer, his family, and the do-gooder I really hate to chat and run, but I must be toddling off. (As she from the equation. Is that about it? EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Yoo-hoo! Buddy! Over here! LUCIFUS: Yes, but how did you…? LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) Curses, foiled again! On the bright side, 25 this little setback could give me another chance at the lovely SIR EPPTISHUS: Simple. You could handle a straightforward land grab Prudence. On the other hand, she will prove to be a more difficult 25 on your own. You have done so many times before. Since you need objective now that she has a suitor. Blast that ignoramic interloper! my help, there must be a time factor involved, which implies that Beyond that, there is the inevitable ticking of the clock. How long you made a recent discovery and want to acquire the land before before they discover what is on their property? A month? A week? they find out why you want it. It is most likely a farm because 30 A day? (During the following, he becomes increasingly conflicted.) a large farm would cover enough area to obtain all of what you I must choose between the shiny hard amber of treasure, and 30 discovered in a single purchase from a single man. The mortgage the silky soft alabaster of pleasure. I must obtain the gold! But I must already be paid off, because an unpaid mortgage presents must obtain the girl! No, the gold! No, the girl! The gold! The girl! its own solution. The daughter must be beautiful and innocent, Gold! Girl! Gold! Girl! (Again he begins to quiver and shake with because that is our one weakness. Unfortunately, women like that 35 the internal conflict, then suddenly stops.) Both! (Villainous laugh.) draw do-gooders to them as the moth is drawn to the flame. Lastly, Unfortunately, devising such a plan, within the time allotted, is 35 the farmer must have even more family than just a daughter to beyond even my formidable skills. But, there is one man… a maintain such a large farm. man who is a master manipulator, a superlative schemer and a LUCIFUS: Astounding! preeminent plotter… a man I swore I would never deal with again. SIR EPPTISHUS: I know. Now, I must cogitate. (Paces back and forth, 40 I must seek out… Sir… Epptishus… N… Skrootabull! (Villainous rejects a few ideas, and then.) Eureka! (Villainous laugh. Motions laugh continues as he EXITS DOWN LEFT.) 40 LUCIFUS closer. They both check for eavesdroppers, and then End of Scene Six he begins to whisper in LUCIFUS’S ear. As he does so, LUCIFUS

16 13 For preview only ACT ONE 1 becomes more and more joyous and begins a villainous laugh that Scene Six crescendos. CURTAIN.) 1 A street, played before the curtain, the same day, a short while later. End of ACT ONE LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT and moves to CENTER, carrying some ACT TWO contract papers and a check. Stops CENTER to admire his work on Scene One the contracts.) Beautiful. Lucifus, old boy, you are a genius, if I do CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead. Afternoon, the next day. 5 say so myself. (Villainous laugh.) I was able to prepare this legally binding and ironclad contract in record time. In but a few brief LUCIFUS sneaks ON LEFT, looks around, then pulls an apple from his moments, the Proudwell farm and all of the gold that lies beneath 5 pocket. He sneaks to the table RIGHT and places the apple in the its unassuming soil will be mine. (Villainous laugh.) Mine, mine, middle of the table. He then sneaks CENTER, looks around, checks mine, mine, mine! (Villainous laugh.) Gold mine! (Villainous laugh.) another pocket and seems satisfied with its contents. 10 Gold mine mine! (Villainous laugh.) But soft, someone approaches. LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) The trap is set and baited. Now I have but EMMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and moves to LUCIFUS.) Good to spring it. (Villainous laugh. Sneaks OFF LEFT and then knocks afternoon, dearie. 10 from OFF LEFT.) LUCIFUS: And a good afternoon to you, my little chickpea. CHANCE: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Come in, the door is open. EMMA: (Giggles.) You cad. (Giggles.) And what brings you out this afternoon? LUCIFUS: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good afternoon, my dear old… (Looks around in confusion for a moment at the empty room.) 15 LUCIFUS: (Hides papers behind his back.) I was just out for a bit of a stroll. But I am glad that I ran into you. As it just so happens, I CHANCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Good afternoon, Lucifus. Another visit believe I know something that you do not. 15 so soon? EMMA: Do tell. LUCIFUS: Yes, indeed, my dear old friend. We should not have let ourselves become so out of touch with one another. Let us make LUCIFUS: Well, just between us, I have heard that Mr. Proudwell these friendly visits a regular occurrence. 20 intends to sell his farm and go off on some grand adventure. It does sound quite exciting. CHANCE: That sounds like an excellent idea. EMMA: Well… it did. 20 LUCIFUS: I cherish these opportunities to visit with you and your family. LUCIFUS: It did? Do tell. CHANCE: And my family? EMMA: Well, just between us, it turns out that Mr. Proudwell’s “grand LUCIFUS: Yes, and your family. 25 adventure” was to run off to the latest gold rush like a fool. I do CHANCE: Well, I guess I could ask them to join us. (Turns around and not know how that man came up with such a harebrained notion, yells, as Precious did previously.) Family meeting! but Mrs. Proudwell set him straight in a hurry. 25 LUCIFUS: (Almost jumps out of his skin.) I see now where your youngest LUCIFUS: She did? daughter gets her charm. EMMA: She most certainly did. After all, they just paid off their CHANCE: Ah, speak of the devil. 30 mortgage on the farm and own it outright. On top of that, their PRECIOUS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) I am here, Pa. (Passes by the table, eldest daughter has a brand new gentleman caller. notices the apple and picks it up. Throughout the rest of this, LUCIFUS: She does? 30 LUCIFUS reacts as the apple is passed around and handled, but he EMMA: Indeed. He is that new fellow in town. tries to hide his reactions from the others.) LUCIFUS: He is? LUCIFUS: (Overly loud.) Precious! (PRECIOUS is startled and bobbles the apple. Normal volume.) How lovely to see you again. 35 EMMA: Yes, he is. Did I not tell you about him? His name is Mr. Trustee Workhard. He started a construction and repair business. HUGGEE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Precious! (Hugs her.) Pa! (Hugs him.) Oh, I Handsome, strong, and a real go-getter type of man. The most 35 see we have company. Good afternoon, Mr. Landswipe. (To CHANCE.) desirable bachelor in town, and Prudence landed that catch the I was wondering why you called a family meeting when you know same day he arrived. that Prudence is getting ready for a social visit from Mr. Workhard.

12 17 For preview only 1 CHANCE: Oh, yeah. (PRECIOUS begins to take a bite from the apple. 1 CHANCE: I own this farm. LUCIFUS cringes.) LUCIFUS: Really? I had not been aware of that. I am afraid that I HUGGEE: Precious! (Takes the apple.) No snacks before supper. have misjudged you, my friend. You are indeed a man of swift, PRECIOUS: Aw, Ma. decisive action. 5 HUGGEE: You know, Pa, if you did not snack between meals, then 5 CHANCE: Yes, I am. it might not put such ideas in the young one’s head. (TRUSTEE LUCIFUS: I salute you. But wait! You would need to find someone who knocks from OFF LEFT.) That must be Mr. Workhard now. (Hands is willing to buy this farm almost immediately. the apple to CHANCE, crosses LEFT and straightens herself.) Come CHANCE: Yes, I suppose I would. in, the door is open. LUCIFUS: Do not fear, for I am willing to help you. I am willing to make 10 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS LEFT.) Good afternoon, everyone. 10 the great sacrifice of purchasing your farm so that you may fulfill HUGGEE: Mr. Workhard! (Hugs him.) Come in, come in, you are right your dreams. on time. (Ushers him toward the table and chairs RIGHT. CHANCE is CHANCE: You will? You are such a good friend to me, Lucifus. about to take a bite from the apple as they pass, and she takes the LUCIFUS: I know. I shall return posthaste with all of the necessary apple from him before he can.) No snacks before supper. documents and, of course, your money. You are a better man than 15 CHANCE: Aw, Ma. 15 I am, Chance Proudwell. HUGGEE: (Motions for TRUSTEE to take the seat to the left of the table. CHANCE: Aw, shucks. TRUSTEE does so. Places the apple on the table.) Prudence should PRUDENCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Father, Precious says the privy is backed be along any moment. up again. TRUSTEE: Thank you, Mrs. Proudwell. CHANCE: I best go take care of this, Lucifus. (Gains a look of steely 20 PRUDENCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Good afternoon, everyone. 20 determination.) This could take a while. (Rolls up his sleeves as he HUGGEE: Prudence! (Hugs her.) We have your seat right here. EXITS RIGHT.) PRUDENCE: (Sits.) Good afternoon… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard. PRUDENCE: Good afternoon, Mr. Landswipe. I have not seen you in TRUSTEE: Good afternoon… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. quite some time. PRUDENCE: (Notices the apple.) Oh! (Picks up the apple and LUCIFUS: (Aside. Argues with himself.) Egads! Had I known what sweet 25 polishes it.) 25 little Prudence had blossomed into, you could not have kept me HUGGEE: (Softly.) Prudence! We must not forget our manners. away from this place. But, no, I must stick to my plan. (Steps out of aside, but still vacillates back and forth between staying and leaving, PRUDENCE: Oh! Please, have an apple… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard. ultimately returning. Aside.) But she is so beautiful, so innocent. But (Places the apple on the table near him.) I have no time for this. I must act quickly before they discover the TRUSTEE: Thank you… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. (Picks up the 30 gold that is on their property. (Steps out of aside, but still vacillates 30 apple, thinks about it. LUCIFUS looks on with concern.) On second back and forth between staying and leaving, then returns again. thought, I should not snack before supper. (Places the apple back Aside.) But she is such a tempting morsel. But I have no time. in the center of the table.) (Steps out of aside, and begins to quiver and shake with the internal HUGGEE: (Quietly.) Such a good boy. conflict, then suddenly stops. EXITS quickly LEFT. RE-ENTERS quickly. TRUSTEE: I was actually going to bring you an apple… (Dreamy.) … 35 To her.) Good afternoon! (EXITS again quickly LEFT.) 35 Miss Proudwell. PRUDENCE: (Pauses for a moment, perplexed.) How odd. (Begins to PRUDENCE: You were… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard? EXIT RIGHT. CURTAIN.) TRUSTEE: Yes, I had heard you liked them. I went to the market to End of Scene Five purchase one for you, but they were all sold out. PRECIOUS: (Leans on the table as she speaks.) That is because 40 someone was ordered to go to the market and get apples for

18 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 LUCIFUS: While other men become millionaires overnight, with 1 someone, and then that first someone had to carry them back all very little work, I understand you continue on your chosen path by herself. (Slyly removes the apple from the table during her speech undaunted, determined to see it through to the very bitter end. and steps away from the table. HUGGEE takes the apple away as CHANCE: What was that part about very little work again? PRECIOUS passes by. PRECIOUS reacts, indignant, but is ignored.) 5 LUCIFUS: Marching, marching, marching ever onwards. Marching 5 TRUSTEE: I am sorry I was not able to obtain an apple for you… towards that sweet release that allows you to lay down your (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. final burden. HUGGEE: You know, we could consider this apple as your gift. After CHANCE: Millionaires overnight, you said? all, it is the thought that counts. (Hands the apple to PRUDENCE.) LUCIFUS: I am sorry, what are you asking about? PRUDENCE: (To her.) Thank you. (To him.) And thank you… (Dreamy.) 10 …Mr. Workhard. 10 CHANCE: You mentioned something that other men are doing. What is this thing that other men are doing? TRUSTEE: You are most welcome… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. LUCIFUS: I had assumed that you already knew. They found gold, my (PRUDENCE takes a bite from the apple. LUCIFUS, now eager, friend. Gold that can be found at… Cripple Creek. checks his pocket watch as though he is timing something.) CHANCE: Cripple Creek? And did they find a lot of gold? PRUDENCE: Mmmm. It is delicious. 15 TRUSTEE: I understand that there is a barn dance coming up soon… 15 LUCIFUS: My understanding is that there are nuggets of gold the size of your fist. Of course, one must expend the effort to extract them. (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. CHANCE: Of course. And how much effort would that be? PRUDENCE: Why, yes, I believe there is… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard. LUCIFUS: Why, it is the effort required to simply bend over and pick TRUSTEE: Do you already have an escort for this particular barn them up off the ground. dance… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell? 20 PRUDENCE: Why, no, I do not currently have an escort… (Dreamy.) … 20 CHANCE: Really? Mr. Workhard. LUCIFUS: Really! TRUSTEE: If I obtain your parent’s permission, would you be willing to CHANCE: That sounds like a lot less work than farming. accompany me to this barn dance… (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell? LUCIFUS: It is a lot less work, but that kind of thing is not for men PRUDENCE: I believe that my answer, in this case, would have to be… like us. 25 (Drops into a dead faint. ALL strike a pose of shock.) 25 CHANCE: It is not? LUCIFUS: (Aside. Checks his watch.) Right on time. (Villainous laugh.) LUCIFUS: No, it is not. Men like us, who like to weigh our options And not a moment too soon. If I had to listen to one more… before making a decision, cannot benefit from this. This takes (Mocks their tone.) …“Mr. Workhard,” “Miss Proudwell,” I would strong decisive men who are willing to take swift action to receive have become ill. Now for a bit of misdirection. (Goes back to a huge rewards. 30 shocked pose.) 30 CHANCE: I can take swift action. ALL: (Overlapping expressions and murmurs.) What happened? Is she LUCIFUS: Men who have some capital available so they can transport all right? Did she faint? (Etc.) themselves and their entire families to where they need to be. LUCIFUS: Wait! What is that? (Walks over to her and removes an item CHANCE: Their entire families? from the pocket he checked earlier and palms it as he reaches LUCIFUS: Yes, their entire families. 35 towards her arm. He then pretends to pull the item out from under 35 CHANCE: I do not have that kind of capital available. her sleeve and holds it up toward the AUDIENCE. It is a spider.) It is as I feared! LUCIFUS: Exactly my point. We do not have access to that kind of capital. We do not own anything that we could sell for enough TRUSTEE: What is that? money to finance such a trip. LUCIFUS: This is Latrodectus Hesperus. The Black Widow. CHANCE: I own something. 40 TRUSTEE: No! 40 LUCIFUS: What do you own? LUCIFUS: Yes!

10 19 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 HUGGEE: Is she…? (Cannot bear to finish the thought. LUCIFUS tosses 1 PRECIOUS: (ENTERS RIGHT.) Come in, the door is open. (LUCIFUS the spider away and moves UPSTAGE of the table. He does the ENTERS LEFT.) Good afternoon, Mr. Landswipe. It has been quite standard old-timey “are they dead” test. Takes her wrist between some time since you visited our home. two fingers, raises her arm above the table, holds it in place for a LUCIFUS: (Gollum-like.) My precious. (Clears his throat.) Ahem, sorry, 5 beat, releases her wrist, which, after a half-beat, drops to the table.) 5 had a frog in my throat. My, Precious, how lovely you look today. LUCIFUS: She is dead! PRECIOUS: Why, thank you, Mr. Landswipe. It is nice to hear that ALL EXCEPT LUCIFUS: Noooooo… (Huge intake of breath.) … someone around here appreciates me. oooooo… (CURTAIN. Continues after CURTAIN is down.) …oooooo! LUCIFUS: Is your father home? End of Scene One PRECIOUS: (Disappointed that he dismissed her so quickly.) Yes, I 10 shall get him for you. ACT TWO Scene Two LUCIFUS: Thank you, my dear. A street, played before the curtain, same day, early evening. PRECIOUS: (Turns RIGHT and screams, almost like a hog call.) Pa! (LUCIFUS almost jumps out of his skin.) 10 LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. To AUDIENCE.) So far, so good. Not only have I removed the main reason that prevented my dear old CHANCE: (From OFF RIGHT.) What? friend from selling me his farm, I have also provided a reason for 15 PRECIOUS: (Still yells.) Mr. Landswipe is here! him to move and get a fresh start elsewhere. (Villainous laugh.) CHANCE: (From OFF RIGHT.) Be right there! But soft, someone approaches. PRECIOUS: (To LUCIFUS, smiles politely.) He shall be with you 15 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with PRECIOUS, who is crying. momentarily. Please wait here. (Turns and EXITS RIGHT in a huff.) Comforts the distraught young woman.) There, there. Try to stay LUCIFUS: (To himself.) What a dainty creature. strong for your parents’ sake. 20 CHANCE: (ENTERS RIGHT.) This is a surprise. To what do I owe the PRECIOUS: (Sees LUCIFUS.) Oh, Mr. Landswipe, I wanted to thank you pleasure of your company? for your offer to help our family in making all of the arrangements LUCIFUS: I merely came to check in on a dear old friend who I have 20 for my… (Cries the rest.) …dear… departed… sister. (Bawls.) not seen for quite some time. LUCIFUS: Think nothing of it, my dear. It is the least that an old family CHANCE: That is so very kind of you. friend could do. And what brings the two of you out at this hour? 25 LUCIFUS: I know. So, how have you been? TRUSTEE: Precious is in need of a funeral dress. (PRECIOUS bawls again.) We are trying to find one for her before the shops are CHANCE: Mostly I have been tired. There always seems to be a pile 25 closed. After that, I need to begin my investigation. of work to do and not enough time to do it in. LUCIFUS: I beg your pardon, did you say “investigation”? LUCIFUS: Ah, yes. I do seem to recall you mentioning the debilitating and draining drudgery of digging in the dirt. TRUSTEE: Yes, I did. I cannot shake the feeling that there is something very strange about the death of my beloved. (PRECIOUS bawls 30 CHANCE: Um, I guess I did… again.) I shall not rest until I have learned the truth. Now, if you will LUCIFUS: To be in the impotent, pointless and perilously plodding 30 excuse us, it is getting late. position of plowing, planting, and picking in parched, puny parcels LUCIFUS: Of course, of course. (TRUSTEE and PRECIOUS EXIT DOWN of pebbles. LEFT. To AUDIENCE.) Well, this is a disturbing development. I had CHANCE: (As if each word had added a weight to the burden of work not counted on the full meddlesome nature of a do-gooder. I 35 that he never wanted to carry in the first place.) Well, when you put cannot afford to have my elixir discovered. It seems that I will need it like that… 35 to employ plan B of our scheme. Fortunately, Daddy thought of LUCIFUS: I do not envy you, my friend. everything. (Villainous laugh continues as he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) CHANCE: I do not envy myself, either. End of Scene Two

20 9 For preview only 1 remembered that a little beribboned bird had told me that my dear ACT TWO old friend had fallen behind on his mortgage. (Villainous laugh.) Scene Three But hold, here comes my beribboned songbird now. 1 CURTAIN UP: Office of Lucifus Landswipe, same day, later that EMMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT and moves to LUCIFUS.) Good evening. PRUDENCE is being tied to the coat rack, which has been 5 morning, dearie. moved CENTER. LUCIFUS is finishing the last knot in the rope. LUCIFUS: And a good morning to you, my darling. LUCIFUS: There, that should just about do it. EMMA: (Giggles.) Flatterer! And what brings you out this morning? 5 PRUDENCE: (Beginning to regain consciousness.) Where am I? What LUCIFUS: I am on my way to the bank to purchase a mort— a more is happening? up-to-date calendar. (Aside.) I almost forgot that one needs to be LUCIFUS: You are in my office, my dear, and I am tying you up. 10 careful what one says around this one. (To her.) And you? PRUDENCE: Release me at once, you cur, or I shall scream. EMMA: I am on my way from the bank. The most surprising thing happened. LUCIFUS: Scream all that you wish, my lovely dove. This office is LUCIFUS: Do tell. 10 quite soundproof. EMMA: Well, just between us, I happened to be in the bank when PRUDENCE: Explain yourself at once, you scoundrel, or I shall sing Chance Proudwell came in and paid off his mortgage in full. popular songs, and they will stick in your head. 15 In cash. LUCIFUS: There is no need for such drastic measures, I will be happy LUCIFUS: What?! I mean, really? (Aside.) Curses! Foiled! to explain everything. I needed for everyone to think that you had EMMA: But that is not the most exciting news I have heard. 15 passed away. LUCIFUS: Do tell. PRUDENCE: But why? EMMA: Well, just between us, there is a brand-new gold rush that LUCIFUS: So I could buy your father’s farm, of course. If you “buy the 20 just started, at Cripple Creek, Colorado. I heard about it last night farm,” I can buy the farm. (Villainous laugh.) when I was visiting my sister in the next town over. I do believe you PRUDENCE: Why do you want my father’s farm? are the first person in town to hear about it, after me, of course. 20 LUCIFUS: Because I discovered that there is gold on that land, and it LUCIFUS: That is exciting news. must—it shall—be mine! (Villainous laugh.) EMMA: A-lark-a-lee! Is that Lucinda Ladherclimer I see? She has been PRUDENCE: How did you convince them that I was dead? 25 out of town for quite some time. I do not believe that she has seen LUCIFUS: Quite simple, really. I took an apple and infused it with a my ribbon yet. I must go over and say hello. Please excuse me, sweetly somniferous serum of slowly secreted southern sassafras dearie. (As she EXITS DOWN LEFT.) Yoo-hoo! Lucinda, dearie! 25 sap, swirled in a seemingly safe sodium solution, serendipitously LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) When one door closes… (Villainous laugh.) I settling its essence as stupefying slumber. have a new gold rush that just drops into my lap, as I go to visit my PRUDENCE: You call that simple? It sounds like it would have been 30 dear old friend who is utterly tired of farming. How delicious this easier to just kill me. will be. I have but to convince him to sell me his gold-laden farm, LUCIFUS: That would be out of the question, my fair fawn, for you so that he may rush off to seek gold elsewhere. Oh, this is rich! 30 must—you shall—be mine! (Villainous laugh.) (Villainous laugh.) Get it? Rich? Gold? (Villainous laugh continues as he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) PRUDENCE: (To AUDIENCE.) I think I am beginning to see a pattern here. End of Scene Four LUCIFUS: My solution simulates serenity so successfully that none but the most experienced doctors can tell the difference. Being ACT ONE the close family friend that I am, I offered to take care of all the Scene Five 35 arrangements so that your grieving family may mourn in peace. 35 CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early afternoon. PRUDENCE: Aha! If I am here, then there can be no funeral without The stage is empty. LUCIFUS knocks from OFF LEFT. my body.

8 21 For preview only 1 LUCIFUS: Originally, there was going to be a body. We were going to 1 PRUDENCE: (Aside.) The way he says my name fills my heart with have your funeral, and after I acquired your farm, I was going to dig joy. I feel invigorated. I feel as though, within a single day, I could you up and administer the antidote. Unfortunately, your ball-and- milk all of the cows within the state! This must be love. But, do chain-to-be made me change my plans. you think he feels the same towards me? Does he? If only I could 5 PRUDENCE: (Dreamy.) Mr. Workhard. 5 tell. (To him.) A lot of pretty clouds to look at, too… (Dreamy.) … LUCIFUS: (Shivers at the name.) Yes. His determined doggedness Mr. Workhard. deserved a drastic directional detour in response. Under the cover TRUSTEE: (Aside.) This is most definitely not the plague. I feel of darkness, I removed your unconscious form from the funeral invigorated. I feel as though, within a single day, I could build home, and left, in its place, a note. a skyscraper… ten stories tall! (To her.) Yes, pretty clouds… 10 10 PRUDENCE: What did the note say? (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. LUCIFUS: It explained how you were secretly in love with an itinerant PRUDENCE: Yes. gold rusher, how you were sorry about stringing along your strident TRUSTEE: Yes. suitor, and how you are running away to Cripple Creek with your HUGGEE: (Clears her throat.) Ahem! (PRUDENCE and TRUSTEE both cretinous consort. leap into the air with fright, as they had both momentarily forgotten 15 PRUDENCE: They will never believe it! 15 that anyone else existed in the world.) Sorry, I did not mean to LUCIFUS: No, they will not. Nor are they meant to. startle you. I was just thinking that there is still some work we need to do before the day is done. PRUDENCE: I do not understand. TRUSTEE: Of course. Before I go, I was wondering if I might ask one LUCIFUS: After they find out about the letter, they will also hear small favor? rumors of a burly brute being brusque with you. Workhard already 20 HUGGEE: And what might that be? 20 suspects foul play is involved in your internment. He will leap to the conclusion that you were abducted— TRUSTEE: Would it be all right… I mean, might I have your permission… PRUDENCE: Which I was! That is to say, might I return at some point for a… (Embarrassed, but finally gets it out.) …social visit. LUCIFUS: —by a vagrant who was headed to Cripple Creek. CHANCE: (Oblivious to what has preceded.) Of course you can. You PRUDENCE: Which I was not. 25 seem like a nice enough young man, and I do not get many visitors. 25 LUCIFUS: If he is looking for foul play, I will make sure he finds some. Do you play poker? I do love a good game of poker. (They all do a (Villainous laugh.) Cheer up, my pet, eventually you will learn to slow turn and stare towards him, in disbelief that he has not caught love me. (Villainous laugh. EXITS RIGHT.) on yet. Embarrassed.) Oh. PRUDENCE: (To AUDIENCE.) Oh, woe is me! Will no one save me? Is HUGGEE: You have our permission to return for a social visit when… all hope lost? No, I must not give up hope! I must believe that, 30 (To CHANCE.) …Prudence is available. 30 somehow, some way, my true love will come and save me! (Long TRUSTEE: I thank you, and wish you all the most glorious of days. pause.) Eventually, he will save me! (Long pause.) Any minute (EXITS LEFT.) now. (CURTAIN.) HUGGEE: Woo-hoo! (Hugs PRUDENCE, followed by CHANCE, and End of Scene Three continues to alternate between the two. CURTAIN.) ACT TWO End of Scene Three Scene Four ACT ONE A street, played before the curtain, the next morning. Scene Four LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, moves to CENTER, and looks around. 35 A street, played before the curtain, the next day, late morning. 35 To AUDIENCE.) Soon, very soon, I shall be in possession of all that I desire. (Villainous laugh.) At any moment, the family will be LUCIFUS: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, humming a happy tune, and moves reading the forged letter. As soon as my dear friend Miss Tattler to CENTER.) What a beautiful morning. After carefully considering my options on how best to purloin the Proudwell property, I

22 7 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 CHANCE: Yes, dear. 1 comes along, I will have set everything in motion and merely need TRUSTEE: (Pulls out a wad of cash and quickly counts a large part wait for it all to unfold. (Villainous laugh. DOUGLAS ENTERS DOWN of it out, hands it to CHANCE.) I believe that this is the agreed- LEFT and moves towards CENTER.) Ah, Douglas, my good friend. I upon amount? have been looking for you. 5 CHANCE: (Mouth agape, in awe.) Yes… Yes, it is. (PRUDENCE ENTERS 5 DOUGLAS: You have? RIGHT. She is the Proudwells’ older daughter.) LUCIFUS: (Aside.) Actually, that is a lie. I had almost forgotten to take HUGGEE: Prudence! (Hugs PRUDENCE.) Allow me to introduce our care of this part. I must keep up the appearance that I think dear visitor, Mr. Trustee Workhard. Mr. Workhard, this is our other Prudence has passed away. (To him.) I suppose you have heard daughter, Prudence Proudwell. the sad news? 10 PRUDENCE: Welcome to our home… (Seeing him for the first time, 10 DOUGLAS: Yes, I have. it is love at first sight, and she strikes the “love pose.” Dreamy.) … LUCIFUS: I will need you to dig a grave for the… dearly departed… in Mr. Workhard. the town cemetery. I can pay you for it later. TRUSTEE: Thank you… (Seeing her for the first time, it is love at first DOUGLAS: No need. When good folks like that lose someone so sight, and he strikes the “love pose.” Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. young, I would not feel right charging anything. I will get started 15 HUGGEE: (Notices that the two of them appear to be love-struck, 15 right away. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.) which she thinks is sweet. Also realizes that no one is talking at the LUCIFUS: Excellent! Now all that I have to do is wait for— moment.) Prudence? EMMA: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT.) A-lark-a-lee! Is that Lucifus Landswipe PRECIOUS: It is always Prudence, Prudence, Prudence! (Flounces OFF I see? You are not going to believe what has been happening in RIGHT. PRUDENCE and TRUSTEE regain their senses, but they are this town. 20 still love-struck and continue to exchange furtive glances.) 20 LUCIFUS: Do tell. HUGGEE: (Notices that her husband is still staring agape at the money. EMMA: Well, just between us, that poor Miss Proudwell who passed Gently takes it from him and puts it in her apron pocket.) Let us away? She only “passed away” out of town. This morning, the put this away until we can apply it where it needs to go. Okay, Pa? funeral director found a letter in place of her body. She went and CHANCE: (A little sad, but resigned.) Yes, dear. ran off with some stranger. 25 PRUDENCE: (Aside.) What is this that I am feeling? My heart is 25 LUCIFUS: I hope it was not that fellow I saw her with. pounding. My legs are unsteady. My palms are sweaty. Is this EMMA: Do tell. love? (To him.) It is very… nice to make your acquaintance, LUCIFUS: Well, just between us, I saw her with a rather brutish fellow Mr. Workhard. who seemed to be… manhandling her. She rebuked his advances, TRUSTEE: (Aside.) What is this that I am feeling? My heart is pounding. of course, and left, but he did not look like the sort to take no as 30 My legs are unsteady. My palms are sweaty. Is this the plague? (To 30 an answer for long. her.) It is very… (Accidentally falls into a loving gaze and loses his EMMA: You do not suppose he abducted her, do you? Gave her some train of thought.) …beautiful… er, I mean… nice… to make your sort of knock-out drug and then forged a letter to make it look like acquaintance, too, Miss Proudwell. she went with him willingly? Like one of those dime novels? PRUDENCE: (Aside.) Oh, my. Does he really think that I am beautiful? LUCIFUS: I fear that as a distinct possibility. 35 Is it possible that he has feelings for me? But what if I am wrong? 35 EMMA: That poor sweet thing! I dare not get my hopes up. (To him after a pause.) It is nice weather we have been having, do you not agree… (Dreamy.) … LUCIFUS: Oh, the shame… the shame! Mr. Workhard? EMMA: It is not her family’s fault. TRUSTEE: (Aside.) The way she says my name fills my heart with joy. Is LUCIFUS: No, it is mine. The shame of knowing that I might have been 40 it possible that she has feelings for me? But what if I am wrong? able to do something to prevent this, and yet, I did not. I dare not get my hopes up. (To her.) Yes, very nice weather… 40 EMMA: Now, dearie, do not fret, there was nothing you could (Dreamy.) …Miss Proudwell. have done.

6 23 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 LUCIFUS: But I would never be able to live down the shame, should 1 TRUSTEE: (No romantic reaction.) Thank you, Miss Proudwell. anyone find out. (PRECIOUS is crestfallen, but recovers shortly thereafter.) Now, EMMA: Your secret is safe with me. Trust me. I have some secrets Mr. Proudwell, as I was saying, I would like to discuss a certain locked away in here that nobody will ever know about! business matter with you. I would be very interested… (Looks 5 around to see if another interruption is eminent.) …in purchasing 5 LUCIFUS: Thank you, my dear and true friend. much of the timber that is on your back property. EMMA: Do not mention it. After all, you have done the same for me a few times. (Gives him a conspiratorial wink. Giggles.) A-lark-a-lee! CHANCE: That would be a tall order. I do not know when I would have Is that Reginald Poshmore I see? He does not know anything that time to clear that timber. There is already so much work to do with has been going on today. We will catch up more later on. Yoo-hoo! the land I have already cleared. 10 Reggie! You are not going to believe what has been happening in 10 TRUSTEE: But wait, there is more. I propose that I purchase all of that this town. (EXITS DOWN LEFT.) timber up front. As I have need of it, I, or my new partner, will fell LUCIFUS: (To AUDIENCE.) Everything is in place. The only thing left ourselves what wood we need. is to console my dear old friend Chance Proudwell… and wait. CHANCE: And I would not need to do anything? (Villainous laugh as he EXITS DOWN RIGHT.) TRUSTEE: No, sir, you would simply continue to farm as you have End of Scene Four 15 been. Gradually there will be more land cleared that you may farm, as you need. ACT TWO CHANCE: So eventually I would have to farm a larger area? I am Scene Five already fairly overworked. 15 CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead, same day, that afternoon. TRUSTEE: You would only need to farm more if you choose to do so, CHANCE, HUGGEE, and PRECIOUS are gathered around TRUSTEE, 20 sir. This is a way for you to make money off that land without doing who has just read the letter. They are all standing motionless, mouths any work. agape, until they finally speak, still stunned. CHANCE: We certainly could use the extra money. Let me think about TRUSTEE: I do not believe this. This cannot be true. this. (Pulls out a notepad and pencil, does a mental calculation, then 20 CHANCE: Why would my baby girl run off like that? writes down a number, pulls off the page and hands it to TRUSTEE.) HUGGEE: We raised her better than that. 25 Would you be able to pay me this amount? PRECIOUS: (Still feeling ignored.) I am still here. TRUSTEE: (Looks at the number.) No, sir, I would not be able to pay TRUSTEE: I still cannot believe this. you that amount. CHANCE: I thought she was happy here. CHANCE: Well, I do not think I could go any lower. 25 HUGGEE: I thought she told me everything. TRUSTEE: You misunderstand. I would not, in good conscience, be PRECIOUS: I am still here. (LUCIFUS knocks from OFF LEFT.) 30 able to pay you that amount. It is far too small. I would have to pay you twice that amount to keep my conscience clear. ALL: (In unison. Still stunned.) Come in, the door is open. CHANCE: Twice? LUCIFUS: (ENTERS LEFT, acting happy.) Good afternoon, all. I just overheard someone in town saying Prudence is not dead after all. TRUSTEE: Yes. And I simply will not take a lower number for an answer. Do we have a deal? 30 I am so happy for all of you. Where is she? HUGGEE: Gone. 35 CHANCE: We most certainly do. (They shake hands. Aside.) It has been far too long since I have had some extra money to play poker. CHANCE: Run off. HUGGEE: Pa, you are not thinking about playing poker again, are you? TRUSTEE: Not true. CHANCE: What? No, of course not. The thought never entered my head. PRECIOUS: (Quietly, almost to herself.) I am still here. HUGGEE: Good. There is a far better purpose to which we can apply 35 LUCIFUS: I do not understand. What has happened? (ALL begin 40 that money. to snap out of it and act more normally. They are standing in

24 5 For preview only 1 our local paper about our new business immediately. (They shake 1 somewhat of a line—TRUSTEE, HUGGEE, CHANCE, then PRECIOUS hands. DOUGLAS heads DOWN LEFT while TRUSTEE heads DOWN facing LUCIFUS.) RIGHT. EMMA panics and pretends to be doing several things all TRUSTEE: When the funeral director got in this morning, he found a at the same time to cover her eavesdropping. TRUSTEE does not letter where he had laid out Prudence’s body the day before. He 5 notice. Both men EXIT. EMMA regains her composure and EXITS 5 brought it here. It says Prudence faked her own death using some briskly DOWN LEFT.) kind of… (Checks the letter.) …sweetly somniferous serum… so End of Scene Two that she could run away with a gold rusher. LUCIFUS: Unbelievable! ACT ONE Scene Three TRUSTEE: That is what I said. CURTAIN UP: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early evening. 10 LUCIFUS: She was raised better than that. TRUSTEE knocks from OFF LEFT. HUGGEE: That is what I said. CHANCE: (Calls from OFF RIGHT.) Come in, the door is open. LUCIFUS: Why would she run off like that? 10 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS LEFT and comes into the room a couple of steps CHANCE: That is what I said. (There is a pause, and PRECIOUS waits before realizing the room is empty. Looks around for a moment but expectantly for “her turn.” It does not happen.) cannot see who bade him enter.) Hello? 15 LUCIFUS: Well, while this is certainly unexpected, I do not suppose CHANCE: (ENTERS RIGHT. He is a farmer by appearance only. He is there is anything we can do about it. She is old enough to be out well-spoken, but farming is not his passion, as he always complains on her own, and if she wants to run off— (EMMA knocks from 15 about it.) What can I do for you, young man? OFF LEFT.) TRUSTEE: Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Trustee ALL: (In unison.) Come in, the door is open. Workhard. Are you Mr. Chance Proudwell, the owner of this farm? 20 EMMA: (ENTERS LEFT.) A-lark-a-lee! My feet are killing me. CHANCE: Yes, I am. LUCIFUS: (Aside.) It is about time. I absolutely loathe having to TRUSTEE: Mr. Proudwell, I would like to discuss a certain business make small talk, but it will be worth it once I claim this property 20 matter with you. I would be very interested— as my own. HUGGEE: (ENTERS RIGHT. She is a friendly and engaging farm wife, HUGGEE: Good afternoon, Emma. Come on in and have a seat. quick to hug family, and in a distinct and energetic manner. 25 EMMA: (Sits by the table.) Thank you, Huggee dear. I do not know Sometimes the recipient is worse for the wear.) Pa! (Hugs CHANCE.) when I have walked so far in a single day. CHANCE: Ma, allow me to introduce our visitor, Mr. Trustee Workhard. HUGGEE: I was planning on talking to you later when I go to the 25 Mr. Workhard, this is my wife, Huggee Proudwell. market, but I suppose you have already heard the news. HUGGEE: Welcome to our home, Mr. Workhard. EMMA: Maybe I have heard more news than you have, dearie. TRUSTEE: Thank you, Mrs. Proudwell. Now, Mr. Proudwell, as I was 30 HUGGEE: Do tell. saying, I would like to discuss a certain business matter with you. EMMA: Well, just between us… (Looks around the room.) …all of us… I would be very interested— (PRECIOUS ENTERS RIGHT. She is the I have reason to believe that the letter, which I see that nice young 30 Proudwells’ younger daughter.) Mr. Workhard is holding, may be a forgery. (ALL make a shocked HUGGEE: Precious! (Hugs PRECIOUS.) Allow me to introduce our visitor, reaction pose.) Mr. Trustee Workhard. Mr. Workhard, this is our daughter, Precious 35 TRUSTEE: A forgery? What makes you believe so? Proudwell. (PRECIOUS sees TRUSTEE for the first time. It is love at EMMA: People in town are talking about how dear sweet Prudence was first sight, and she strikes the “love pose.” She is too enamored to being harassed by an uncouth sort. Apparently, she kept turning 35 speak.) Precious? him away. But some men, they cannot take no for an answer. Some PRECIOUS: (Snaps out of it.) Welcome to our home… (Dreamy.) … folk are saying that he kidnapped her and left that forged note so Mr. Workhard. 40 her family would not go looking for her.

4 25 For preview only 1 CHANCE: But how do we know if that is the case? (ALL ponder and 1 EMMA: A while back, I went to our state capital’s April Showers scratch their heads for a moment.) Festival. I won first place in the “Gathering-the-Laundry Race,” and LUCIFUS: Does anyone know what her handwriting looks like? We do this is my award. have a letter that was supposedly written by her. TRUSTEE: That is quite impressive. 5 PRECIOUS: I can recognize her handwriting. I used to sneak into her 5 EMMA: Well, just between us, I wear it to make the other ladies room and read her diary. Let me see the letter. (Takes the letter jealous. (Giggles.) and examines it.) This is not her handwriting! It is a forgery! What TRUSTEE: I see. are we going to do? EMMA: (Looks OFF LEFT.) A-lark-a-lee! Is that Mr. Digdeep I see? Just HUGGEE: We are going to call in the law and have that man arrested, between us, he is the best excavator in the county. You simply 10 and our daughter brought back to us. 10 must let me introduce the two of you. LUCIFUS: I do not think the law will be much help in this case. I have TRUSTEE: I would welcome the opportunity to make his dealt with the law before. (Aside.) Usually from the wrong side. acquaintance. (DOUGLAS ENTERS DOWN LEFT and begins to (Villainous laugh. To others.) They deal only in facts and evidence. I move toward CENTER.) doubt they will be of any help at all. EMMA: Yoo-hoo! Mr. Digdeep! There is someone here I would like you 15 TRUSTEE: Besides, where would we send them? This filthy lowlife could 15 to meet. have taken her anywhere. We do not even know where to look. DOUGLAS: I always welcome the opportunity to make new friends. LUCIFUS: I disagree. He most likely took her to Cripple Creek. If EMMA: Mr. Digdeep, this is Mr. Workhard. Mr. Workhard, this is someone recognized your daughter and tells you she is in some Mr. Digdeep. other place, it would arouse suspicion. But if you thought she ran TRUSTEE: I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Digdeep. 20 away to Cripple Creek of her own will and someone told you she was seen in Cripple Creek, you would think nothing of it. 20 DOUGLAS: And I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Workhard. CHANCE: That is true. EMMA: I am sure that you boys have a lot in common and will become the best of friends. I have some errands to run, so I will be on my LUCIFUS: Thankfully, due to the keen eyes of young Miss Precious… way. (Begins to EXIT DOWN RIGHT, but stops a short distance away (PRECIOUS beams.) …we know what he does not know—that we and pretends to search through her purse so she can listen in on 25 know that the letter is a forgery. 25 their conversation.) TRUSTEE: I shall hunt down this scurrilous dog and bring your TRUSTEE: I understand that you are the best excavator in the county. daughter, my one true love, back home where she belongs. My own expertise lies in construction and repair. I have never been HUGGEE: We all will. good at excavating. CHANCE: Absolutely. We are a family that sticks together… (He and DOUGLAS: I have to admit that I do excel at excavating, but I have 30 HUGGEE hug with PRECIOUS caught between them.) …that is what 30 never been very good at construction and repair. (After a brief families do. pause, it dawns on them simultaneously.) LUCIFUS: Of course, he may hear about you hunting for him and move TRUSTEE/DOUGLAS: We should be partners! (They shake hands.) on. I have no doubt you will find him eventually. But it may take TRUSTEE: Now if I could only find a good source of lumber. quite some time and become quite costly. DOUGLAS: I happen to know of a good source of lumber. I was digging 35 TRUSTEE: I will spend every dollar I have to try to find her. 35 a well for a local farmer who has several acres of timber that he LUCIFUS: And if that is not enough? has not had the time to clear. I am sure he would sell us that CHANCE: Then I shall find more and then spend every dollar I have to timber if we agree to clear it ourselves. try to find her. Lucifus, do you still have that contract for the sale TRUSTEE: That is an excellent suggestion. Point me to his farm, and of my farm? I would like to sell it to you immediately. I shall strike a deal with this farmer immediately. 40 LUCIFUS: It would be my honor to do this favor for you, my dear old 40 DOUGLAS: His property lies that way, on the edge of town. (Points OFF friend. Actually, I think I forgot to take that contract out of my RIGHT.) You cannot miss it. I shall purchase an advertisement in

26 3 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 DOUGLAS: (Gets up to go.) I do have a lot of work ahead of me. 1 pocket. Let me see, I think it is here somewhere… (Feels inside Between basements and wells and what not, it seems like I am his pockets and removes the contract papers.) Yes, here it is. And always digging. I believe I have a pen and inkwell in this pocket. (Produces inkwell LUCIFUS: You are the most popular excavator in the county. and pen. They move to the table to sign the contract. As the pen is 5 in the air and about to make contact with the paper…) 5 DOUGLAS: And popularity has a price. Have a good day, Mr. Landswipe. LUCIFUS: And a good day to you, too, Douglas. (DOUGLAS EXITS RIGHT. PRUDENCE: (Bursts IN LEFT, still tied to the coat rack.) Hold, villain! Villainous laugh. To AUDIENCE.) This is almost too good to be true. Father, do not sign anything! I must move quickly, lest they discover what lies beneath. But ALL: Prudence! not too quickly. I must not risk tipping my hand and inadvertently PRUDENCE: This vile monster of a man, Lucifus Landswipe, faked 10 making them suspicious of my motives. I need to ponder and 10 my death, forged a letter, kidnapped me, and left me tied up in his produce a prodigiously foolproof plan to purloin the property. office. And who knows how many other despicable things he may (Villainous laugh.) Should I succeed, I shall become rich beyond have done? the dreams of avarice! (Villainous laugh. CURTAIN.) DOUGLAS: (ENTERS LEFT, out of breath.) You were hopping so fast, End of Scene One Miss Proudwell, I could hardly keep up. (Sees the crowd of people.) 15 Oh, hi, everybody. ACT ONE PRUDENCE: Mr. Digdeep released me from that villain’s office. Scene Two DOUGLAS: You did not tell me the plot number, Mr. Landswipe, so I A street, played in front of the curtain, later that same day. went to ask you. 15 TRUSTEE: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT, dressed in impeccably clean clothes. PRUDENCE: And it is a good thing that he did. Mr. Digdeep heard my It is as though dirt will simply not cling to him. Walks to CENTER, 20 struggles inside Mr. Landswipe’s office and opened the door to let stops, and looks OFF RIGHT. To AUDIENCE.) Hark, a local citizen me out. Oh, and that is another thing. Mr. Landswipe is a liar! His approaches. I shall greet her and exchange pleasantries. (EMMA office is not soundproof.(ALL do a slow turn and stare at LUCIFUS.) ENTERS DOWN RIGHT, dressed modestly except for a large blue 20 ribbon pinned to her chest. She walks toward CENTER and notices LUCIFUS: Eh-heh. him. As she approaches. To EMMA.) Good afternoon, local citizen. TRUSTEE: Douglas, please fetch a constable with all due haste. EMMA: (Excited at meeting someone new.) And good afternoon to you, 25 (DOUGLAS, still slightly out of breath, nods and hastily EXITS LEFT.) I too, stranger in town. am sure we have enough evidence to get the law involved now. You have endangered your last damsel, Lucifus Landswipe! TRUSTEE: Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is 25 Trustee Workhard. LUCIFUS: Surely, you do not expect me to simply wait around to be arrested? (Starts to leave.) EMMA: And my name is Miss Emma Tattler. 30 TRUSTEE: (Intercepts him.) I do expect you to wait. TRUSTEE: I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Tattler. LUCIFUS: You little pup. I shall thrash you within an inch of your life! EMMA: Likewise. And what brings you to our lovely town, Mr. Workhard? (Strikes fight pose.) TRUSTEE: I have traveled to your lovely town in order to establish my TRUSTEE: You big swine. It is I who shall thrash you within an inch 30 own business. I do both construction and repair, and I am hoping of your life! (Strikes a fight pose. He and LUCIFUS fight. LUCIFUS to settle down in these parts. 35 loses.) Thus ends the lurid career of Lucifus Landswipe. EMMA: And did you bring your family with you, might I ask? DOUGLAS: (ENTERS LEFT with CONSTABLE CARSON, blocking the TRUSTEE: Alas, I am an orphan. I have no family, and no one to call CONSTABLE from the sight of the AUDIENCE.) Constable Carson, my own. that is the man! (Points to LUCIFUS. CONSTABLE proceeds to help 35 EMMA: (Aside.) Ooh, a bachelor. (Giggles.) up LUCIFUS and handcuff him.) TRUSTEE: I could not help but notice the rather large blue ribbon that 40 TRUSTEE: But I still do not understand. Why did he want this land? you are wearing. May I inquire as to its nature? PRUDENCE: (Hops to him.) He wanted this land for the gold.

2 27 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only 1 ALL: Gold?! THE PERILOUS PASSING OF PRUDENCE PROUDWELL PRUDENCE: Is it not wonderful? Our family is rich. ACT ONE CONSTABLE: (As he brings LUCIFUS down to speak to TRUSTEE, we Scene One see that the CONSTABLE is actually SIR EPPTISHUS disguised as 1 5 a constable.) I will take him now, sir. Come to the station next AT RISE: The office of Lucifus Landswipe, early one afternoon. LUCIFUS week to fill out the complaint.(Aside.) Fortunately, Daddy thought is sitting behind the desk working on some papers. DOUGLAS knocks of everything. (Villainous laugh. CONSTABLE and LUCIFUS begin from OFF RIGHT. to leave.) LUCIFUS: (Doesn’t look up from his papers.) Come forth. TRUSTEE: (Just before CONSTABLE and LUCIFUS are out the door.) Wait! 5 DOUGLAS: (ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a small shovel over his left 10 (CONSTABLE and LUCIFUS stop dead in their tracks.) Something shoulder.) You wanted to see me, Mr. Landswipe? does not feel right about all this. (Walks slowly over to CONSTABLE LUCIFUS: Yes, Douglas, I did. Please, have a seat. (DOUGLAS sits, a and LUCIFUS with an accusing stare. They are sweating bullets.) bit nervous.) Douglas, did you recently dump some detritus from How did you, Lucifus Landswipe, determine that there was gold one of your excavations into my stone quarry? on this land? 10 DOUGLAS: Yes, Mr. Landswipe, I did. I thought it would be okay. You 15 LUCIFUS: (Along with CONSTABLE, breathes a sigh of relief.) I might as told me that I could always dump my detritus into your stone well tell you. There was gold in the detritus that Douglas dumped quarry. Remember? in my stone quarry. Detritus from this property. (DOUGLAS chuckles LUCIFUS: Yes, I do. I was just wondering, where you might have been loudly.) Why are you laughing? digging that produced such pretty pebbles? (Attempts to hide his DOUGLAS: That was iron pyrite. (Looks and sees that they do not 15 true motive.) I am working on a garden, you see, and was interested 20 understand.) Fool’s gold. in using more of those pebbles as a border. CONSTABLE: (Turns and glares at LUCIFUS. Speaks with the full DOUGLAS: I did not know that you were a gardener. malevolence that only true evil could produce.) It would seem that LUCIFUS: There are a lot of things that you do not know about me, this fool made quite a large mistake. He will pay dearly for that! Douglas. (Aside.) For instance, he does not know that I swindled (Picks LUCIFUS up by the scruff of his neck.) 20 the former owner of this business to procure it. (Villainous laugh.) 25 LUCIFUS: (In childlike voice.) Eep! (CONSTABLE drags him OFF LEFT.) He does not know that I have cheated and absconded with several PRUDENCE: So we are not rich? acres of land since I took up residence here. (Villainous laugh.) And, TRUSTEE: Prudence, if I have you by my side, I would consider myself most importantly, he does not know that those “pretty pebbles” rich beyond measure. (Kneels.) Will you marry me… (Dreamy.) … contain… gold! (Villainous laugh. To DOUGLAS.) Now, Douglas, Miss Proudwell? 25 about those pebbles. 30 PRUDENCE: Yes… (Dreamy.) …Mr. Workhard! (CURTAIN.) DOUGLAS: They were from a well I dug for Mr. Proudwell. I believe you END OF PLAY two know each other. LUCIFUS: Indeed we do, Douglas. (Aside.) A while back, I had been making a small profit from cheating the man at poker. That is, until 30 his… (Shudders at the thought.) …wife intervened. (To DOUGLAS.) So, the pebbles came from his land? DOUGLAS: Yes, they did. Did you want me to ask him about finding more pretty pebbles for you? LUCIFUS: (Almost shouts.) No! (Calms himself.) I mean, no. I have not 35 seen him for some time, so I will ask him myself. It will give us a chance to catch up. Besides, I have taken up enough of your valuable time.

28 1 For preview only PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGE Office of Lucifus Landswipe: Small desk with papers, desk chair, another chair or stool, coat rack. Proudwell homestead: Table, four chairs or stools. Parlor of Sir Epptishus: Fancy table, two chairs. PROPERTIES BROUGHT ON ACT ONE Scene One: Shovel (DOUGLAS) Scene Three: Notepad, pencil (CHANCE) Cash (TRUSTEE) Scene Six: Contract papers, check (LUCIFUS) Scene Seven: Book (SIR EPPTISHUS) ACT TWO Scene One: Apple, fake spider (LUCIFUS) Scene Three: Rope (PRUDENCE) Scene Five: Letter (TRUSTEE) Contract papers, pen, inkwell (LUCIFUS) Coat rack, rope bonds (PRUDENCE) Handcuffs (CONSTABLE) COSTUMES (circa 1890s) LUCIFUS wears a typical villain costume, complete with a black cape and top hat. He wears a vest with a pocket for a pocket watch. DOUGLAS wears dusty work attire. TRUSTEE is immaculately dressed in all white. EMMA wears a fashionable dress, a large blue ribbon, and carries a purse. CHANCE wears the clothes of a farmer, but oddly not all that dirty. iv 29 For preview only HUGGEE wears a dress and pocketed apron. SYNOPSIS OF SCENES PRECIOUS and PRUDENCE wear modest but flattering dresses. ACT ONE SIR EPPTISHUS wears distinguished gentleman’s attire, perhaps a Scene One: Office of Lucifus Landswipe, early afternoon. smoking jacket. Adds a villain cape and hat. Later, he wears a Scene Two: A street, same day, late afternoon (played in front of constable uniform. the curtain). PROGRAM NOTE Scene Three: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early evening. Our program listed a character of Constable Carson with the actor Scene Four: A street, the next day, late morning. name as “Pat Vilpater.” This allowed us to hide the fact that the Scene Five: The Proudwell homestead, same day, early afternoon. Constable was Sir Epptishus in disguise. Scene Six: A street, same day, a short while later. A FEW OTHER NOTES Scene Seven: Parlor of Sir Epptishus, same day, that evening. When HUGGEE hugs someone, it is almost violent. The recipient of her hugs should make a clearly audible and unique noise. ACT TWO The “crossover” scenes (in the street and played before the curtain) Scene One: Proudwell homestead, the next day, afternoon. are there for quick scene changes. The audience should never have to Scene Two: A street, same day, early evening. sit and wait for the scene to change. Scene Three: Landswipe’s office, same day, that evening. The Cripple Creek Gold Rush (in Cripple Creek, Colorado) is mentioned Scene Four: A street, the next day, morning. in this show. It lasted from 1890 to about 1893. To “localize” the setting, the following gold rushes may be substituted (or others around Scene Five: Proudwell homestead, same day, that afternoon. your area from the 1890s): Witwatersrand Gold Rush, Transvaal, South Africa (1886) SET DESCRIPTION Cayoosh Gold Rush in Lillooet, British Columbia (1884–87) Office of Lucifus Landswipe: There is a small desk LEFT with a chair Tierra del Fuego Gold Rush, southernmost Chile and Argentina behind it and a chair or stool to the RIGHT of the desk. The entrance (1884-1906) into the office is RIGHT. There is a coat rack by the entrance. Kalgoorlie Gold Rush, Western Australia (1893) A street in the town: Can be staged in front of the curtain to allow for Coolgardie Gold Rush, Western Australia (1896) scene changes. Exits are LEFT, which leads toward Lucifus’s office, and Klondike Gold Rush, centered on Dawson City, Yukon, Canada RIGHT, which leads toward the Proudwell homestead. (1896–1899) The Proudwell homestead: There is a sturdy but well-worn table Atlin Gold Rush, Atlin, British Columbia (1898) CENTER RIGHT with two matching stools on either side of the table. Nome Gold Rush, Nome, Alaska (1899–1909) The front entrance is LEFT. RIGHT is an exit further into the house. NOTES ABOUT BACKGROUND MUSIC Parlor of Sir Epptishus: The parlor is in a very nice home that is In my opinion, background music is essential to the success of perhaps a bit past its glory days. There is a fancy table CENTER flanked a melodrama. Ideally, there will be a live pianist who is capable of by two chairs. The front entrance is LEFT. UP RIGHT is an exit further playing “mood” music throughout the entire show. A pianist that can into the house. improvise mood is very hard to find, as there is little “written” music NOTE: Physical doors are not necessary for any of the scenes. beyond Pioneer Drama Service’s Between Hisses piano book. A live pianist also allows for changing things when something unexpected happens during a live performance (always a possibility!).

30 iii RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT For preview only THE PERILOUS PASSING OF PRUDENCE PROUDWELL If a live pianist is not available, consider Pioneer Drama Service’s Or… A Gold Mine in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush Between Hisses CD. With this, you can create your own custom soundtrack to accompany your melodrama, though variations will not By DONALD MELLEN be possible. PERSONUS DRAMATICUS A FEW LAST NOTES (In Order of Speaking) Remember that melodrama lives and breathes because of # of lines audience participation. Warm up the audience so they get used to LUCIFUS LANDSWIPE ...... scoundrel and absconder 146 reacting. Remind your actors to never “step on” the laugh or on of acreage any audience reaction. DOUGLAS DIGDEEP ...... excavator of peerless ability 20 MY VERY LAST NOTES (REALLY) TRUSTEE WORKHARD ...... our hero; a hardworking 65 Avoid contractions. Cheat out to the audience. Have FUN! go-getter! ORIGINAL CAST EMMA TATTLER ...... town gossip and proud 42 The Perilous Passing of Prudence Proudwell was originally performed ribbon winner as a fundraiser for Richmond Civic Theatre, and also as part of the CHANCE PROUDWELL ...... Prudence’s father; work-weary 58 Heritage Festival for the Wayne County Historical Museum September farmer and risk taker 11-13, 2015 in Richmond, Indiana. Directed by Donald Mellen and HUGGEE PROUDWELL ...... Prudence’s mother; loving, but 31 Jane Turner, the original cast was as follows: keeps the family in line Gavin Kelly ...... Lucifus Landswipe PRECIOUS PROUDWELL ...... Prudence’s sister; young, 16 Tim Emery ...... Douglas Digdeep innocent, and very naïve Eli Howell...... Trustee Workhard PRUDENCE PROUDWELL ...... our heroine; pure, sweet, and a 42 little naïve Tracie Scrivner ...... Emma Tattler SIR EPPTISHUS N. Doug Wambo ...... Chance Proudwell SKROOTABULL ...... distinguished retired 28 Heather Gard ...... Huggee Proudwell gentleman…or is he? Rebekah Howell ...... Precious Proudwell CONSTABLE CARSON ...... Sir Epptishus N. Skrootabull 2 Ashley Strait ...... Prudence Proudwell in disguise George Schmid ...... Sir Epptishus N. Skrootabull SETTING Time: Four days in the early 1890s. Place: A small Midwestern town in the United States.

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