UNCENSORED Your Logic Is Interesting

E8 H TORONTO STAR H SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2011 ON ON0 ON ON0 SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2011 H TORONTO STAR H E9 ENTERTAINMENT STARGAZING

POP GOES THE WEEK

Divorces, split-ups, breakups and aliens l James Franco says that those who criticize his performance art only encourage him to We also delve into run-of-the-mill misery, un-sanctioned nudity and people who refuse to believe the sad, indisputable truth. We’re getting serious this week continue making it Shhhh . . . l After the embarrassment of being paid to attend the BY MALENE ARPE birthday of Ramzan Kadyrov, Chechen leader and alleged rights abuser, Hilary Swank swiftly fires her management team She also fires the part of her brain that didn’t ask, “So, why am I on a plane now?” and “where am I going exactly?” and “what is a Chechnya?” l Madonna’s homeless brother says of growing up with her, “(She) was a bitch, just like she is now. She remains true to form” On the upside, she’s not living under a bridge spending her time calling people names. l Robert Pattinson says of himself and Kristen Stewart, “The wedding scene (in Breaking Dawn) is funny because we used a real priest. VITTORIO ZUNINO CELOTTO/GETTY IMAGES VITTORIO ZUNINO CELOTTO/GETTY IMAGES So technically we are already For a modest fee, Nikki Reed and Maggie Gyllenhaal will drop by your house married because he did all the and pretend that everything you say is interesting, surprising and witty. things you would do in a normal ceremony ... I guess in the church we are actually CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY married” A quick call to theology professor Kasper Paris Hilton just realized what happened to that Byebleschnacker, reveals that, blueberry waffle she lost this morning. Whew. Lucky. “no, that is not at all correct” and “Team Jacob forever!” l George Clooney’s ex CINDY ORD/GETTY IMAGES Elisabetta Canalis says they had a “father-daughter” JUDY EDDY/WENN.COM Ashley Olsen put on something black relationship He paid her a Never mind everybody else’s Halloween costume and then Mary-Kate put on something weekly allowance and she and never mind Ice-T. As usual, Coco showed us how black and expensive and then Ashley behaved herself and didn’t it’s done. And how it’s done is with sophistication, put on something more black and speak until spoken to. class and a lovely dash of quiet refinement. more expensive and then they pouted. l Justin Bieber’s manager SCOTT BARBOUR/GETTY IMAGES compares Justin to the Beatles MARIO ANZUNONI/REUTERS Sarah Jessica Parker brings greeting from her home planet, where everybody is required to wear this type of hat at Which explains Sgt. Baby, Baby, I think we can probably agree Mickey Rourke throws like a girl. That’s all. all times in order to keep the Tryphonicinion Fltzers at bay. She wishes Earth well but will not be signing autographs. Baby’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Abbaby Road, Yellow Subabyrine and his new album, I Didn’t Father Your Rubber-souled Baby, You Crazy, Crazy Person. l After 24 hours of community service, Lindsay Lohan asks her morgue boss for a letter of recommendation “Any other week, sweetheart,” he said, “But this week I’m swamped with homicides, traffic accidents, accidental poisonings, influenza casualties, spontaneous combustions and being riveted by the Kardashian crisis and the Justin Bieber scandal.” CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY l Celebrity Math — special CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY This is not Harrison Ford dressed up for Halloween. This Kardashian edition Question: If, Much to everyone’s surprise, this is not just Charlie Sheen hanging out in his everyday attire. is Harrison Ford on his way to pick up milk, eggs, a paper, as reported, Kim Kardashian He’s actually working on a movie called A Glimpse Into the Mind of Charles Swan III. a pack of smokes, a bag of chips and a monitor lizard. made $10 million off her ANDREAS RENTZ/GETTY IMAGES wedding and the marriage lasted 72 days, how much does CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY Things that live in Jared Leto’s hair: MARK METCALFE/GETTY IMAGES that amount to per day of Exciting new category: Enormous-Sunglasses-Wearing Famous People who No wonder Kim Kardashian looks shoched. That mean-spirited little girl just Two elves, a church mouse, a gecko matrimony? Answer: 200 units Want to Poke out Your Eyes featuring Steven Tyler and Katherine Heigl. asked if Kim is getting paid "lots of money" to get divorced. Insensitive brat. and the unrestful soul of Cujo. of awful. Bonus question: What happens to the $2-million ring? Answer: Three butt lifts, a nose job, five chemical peels and a surprise Father’s Day full-face transplant for Bruce Jenner. l This week in nude photos 1) After a site posts a photo of a naked woman, claiming it’s Taylor Swift, Taylor’s lawyers sue the site for “false pornographic images and false news.” 2) Scarlett Johansson says her hacked photos were intended for then-husband Ryan Reynolds. 3) Justin Bieber wishes all he had to worry about were some naked pictures. 4) Kim Kardashian says, “What? DAVE HOGAN/GETTY IMAGES Are we just talking stills here? And no actual sex with moving CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY JOSHUA ROBERTS/REUTERS We all have a friend who, like Amanda Seyfried, gets too CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY CENTRAL IMAGE AGENCY MATT SAYLES/AP PHOTO REUTERS parts? They’re worried about David Spade and Fabio both have trouble truly comprehending that Kim Kardashian filed for excited over tickets to the Annual Goat, Crochet & Bacon We continue our ’round-the-clock reports on Ben Affleck being miserable. Highlights this week include close-to-sobbing John Cho and Neil Patrick Harris don’t like thrice-buried herring with brine that? What is this? 1957?” divorce. It really was the,"where were you when you heard?" moment of our generation. Fair. Justin Timberlake knows what I’m talking about. misery, disbelief in own misery and angry misery. Stay tuned for up-to-date breaking news in this ongoing story. and black eggs. Two more palates destroyed by mass-produced burgers. [email protected]

UNCENSORED Your logic is interesting. Liar. I am closer than Minty-fresh, yet not Now tell us about that two fingers of whisky going to hang out It’s not you, it’s me From the Department of paternity suit to getting a book deal with you and I need to focus Awkward Information "I’m just trying to be like “Even posthumously, “Recluses are nasty, with on my career “Oh, my god, my love is pretty Beckham. Beckham changes Bukowski is responsible long nails, don’t wash "When someone says they spicy. When I get home [from his hair all the time. People for countless drunks who their ass . . . I’m too vain ’care about you’ I’m pretty DWTS rehearsals], I train didn’t even notice when he tell themselves they’re to be a recluse. But sure that’s code for ’I’m horizontally. [My fiancé] has switched his hair up because artists.” homebody, absolutely.” about to bleep all over your noticed a difference in my stamina he switched it up so much." SARAH SILVERMAN EDDIE MURPHY existence.’ " over the last couple of weeks.” JUSTIN BIEBER DANE COOK RICKI LAKE

WHAT YOU MISSED THIS WEEK ON THESTAR.COM/STARGAZING: THE SHOCKINGLY SHOCKING KARDASHIAN DIVORCE ... KITTENS ... LINDSAY LOHAN’S LATEST DAY IN COURT ... GOPHERS ... THE ALLEGED BIEBER BABY ... BUNNIES