Amoris Laetitia and a Spirituality of Family Life: a Personal and Professional Response1

Toni Rowland

Amoris Laetitia and a Spirituality of Family Life: A Personal and Professional Response1

Did you wash your face with tears, today, yesterday? Were they tears of anguish, loneliness, abandonment and loss? Were they tears of regret, sadness and guilt at missed opportunities to say “I love you,” to say, “forgive me,” to say, “I really do still need you,” to say, “I care?” Were they tears of the joy, of new life and new birth, of reconciliation or new insights? Were they tears of laughter, rising-from-the-depths, rolling-down-your-cheeks kind of laughter? Did the taste of your tears on your tongue enlighten you that life is good, because life is? Then, having tasted the bitterness and saltiness and tang of your tears can you wash your face with tears of compassion?2

Introduction

Pope Francis in a homily asked, “All of us have felt joy, sadness and sorrow in our lives but have we wept during the darkest moment? Have we had that gift of tears that prepares the eyes to look, to see the Lord?” He continued, “We, too, can ask the Lord for the gift of tears, it is a beautiful grace…to weep praying for everything: for what is good, for our sins, for graces, for joy itself.”3 Tears depict heightened emotion, often of love and care. Tears are an intrinsic part of life, in particular family life. Babies cry, children cry, women, and less often men, cry at deathbeds, funerals and of course also at weddings, anniversaries

1 This paper was originally presented for SPIRASA (Spirituality Association of South Africa) at the Third Joint Conference for Societies of Religion and Theology (TJCRT), University of Pretoria, July 11-15, 2016. 2 T. Rowland: “The Tear”, 2000 (unpublished poem). 3 Available from http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/pope-francis-asks-for-gift-of-tears- to-see-risen-christ; accessed 019.09.2016.

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and when your kids win a prize. Tears are a symbol of spirituality, related by Teresa of Avila to the wounding of the heart by the love of God.4 Sixteen years ago when I sat at the bedside of my dying husband all wired up to life-support systems I was captivated by the tear in his eye. I wrote: “Chris, in your last moments was the tear in your eye just a product of the marvels of modern technology that supported you in your physical distress but then left you helpless in the hands of God? Was it a product of a life lived in service to God and family? Was the tear one of sadness, was it one of gladness, of pride or achievement, God’s sign and His own way of saying, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! We lived the Paschal mystery of marriage, even creating our own Good Fridays, but our decisions to love led to true Resurrection times.’”5 That, for me is a lived spirituality of relationships. It was expressed in tears, his and mine. When I first browsed through Amoris laetitia, the eagerly awaited document of Pope Francis about the Family I involuntarily shed a tear. Why, you may ask? That is what I intend to unpack in this paper. The paper will consider two main topics: Firstly Amoris laetitia and secondly the spirituality of family life. The intention is not to offer a critique of the document as a whole but to focus on its contribution in the area of family spirituality for families in South Africa. The paper will briefly examine the terms family, spirituality, and family spirituality, mainly from a personal and Catholic perspective because that is my experience, but open to a broader interpretation. Family spirituality in Amoris laetitia will then be examined. This will be followed by an example and some concluding comments.

The Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Amoris laetitia (The Joy of Love)6 was addressed to clergy, Christian married couples and lastly to all the lay faithful. It was presented after an extensive discernment process to consider the situation around family life in our day in the church and to some degree in the world. Analysis of the responses to questionnaires preceding the two synods in 2014 and 2015 formed the agenda for the three-week long Synods at the end of each of which reports were issued. These were attended by church leadership, cardinals and bishops with a small number of priests, theologians and laity, mainly couples. The final report Relatio Synodi 2015 was published in December 2015.

4 P. Burke: “Interpreting Saint Teresa of Avila”, 1999-2005, available from http://www.carmel- ites.ie/InterpretingTeresa.pdf; accessed 19.09.2016. 5 T. Rowland: “The Tear”. 6 Pope Francis: The Joy of Love: Apostolic Exhortation Amoris Lætitia, Nairobi: Paulines, 2016.

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After thanking the Synod Fathers Pope Francis in the document stated his aims “to present an aid to reflection, dialogue, pastoral practice and to help and encourage families in their daily commitments and challenges.” (AL 4) He also stated that each region should consider their own reality and that not all concerns need to be referred to the magisterium. About half of the quotations are taken from the final report of the Synod. He includes his own observation and quotations from his messages. Other references include writings of St John Paul II such as Familiaris consortio and catechesis on the theology of the body.7 In recent times and particularly leading up to the Synods there has been a strong focus on church teaching and the perception of the laity around certain serious concerns, in particular divorced and remarried Catholics, same sex marriage and contraception. Two schools of thought were clearly expressed at the Synods. One was a strict adherence to doctrine as the revealed truth. The other adopted a more pastoral and merciful approach that recognises the teaching but also the difficulties families face.Th is approach aims to accompany couples and families in discernment and support them as they make decisions in conscience. Pope Francis stated: We have long thought that simply by stressing doctrinal, bioethical and moral issues, without encouraging openness to grace, we were providing sufficient support to families, strengthening the marriage bond and giving meaning to marital life. We find it difficult to present marriage more as a path to personal development and fulfilment than as a lifelong burden. We also find it hard to make room for the consciences of the faithful, who very often respond as best they can to the Gospel amid their limitations, and are capable of carrying out their own discernment in complex situations. We have been called to form consciences, not to replace them. (AL 37) Amoris laetitia does not propose changes in church teaching but Pope Francis himself generally promoted the more pastoral merciful approach which he also related to the Extraordinary Jubilee Year of Mercy commemorated from Decem- ber 2015 to November 2016. It was in The Face of Mercy (2015) that he stated “Jesus Christ is the Father’s mercy” while the response he calls for is to be “merciful like the Father”.8 As stated above I will now briefly explore the concepts and terms: family, spirituality, family and marital spirituality.

What is a Family?

We all tend to speak in general terms about “family” but how do we understand it? A helpful resource, drawing on the earlier papal document Familiaris consortio,

7 Pope John Paul II: Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris Consortio: On the Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, Pretoria: SACBC, 1981. 8 Pope Francis: The Face of Mercy, Nairobi: Paulines, 2015, 1 and 14.

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is the manual A Family Perspective in Church and Society (2004) of the US Cath- olic bishops. Its vision for the family is “an intimate community of persons bound together by blood, marriage, or adoption, for the whole of life. In our Catholic tradition, the family proceeds from marriage, an intimate, exclusive, permanent, and faithful partnership of husband and wife.” 9 This is clearly a countercultural vision in today’s society. Familiaris consortio includes in a derivative way the love between members of the same family, between parents and children, brothers and sisters and relatives and members of the household (FC 18) and states: “An ever deeper communion grows with the spiritual bonds of love” (FC 21). In simpler terms this spirituality of family relationships is built on marriage, or relationships derived from marriage, and its purpose is to share love. Groupings or units not derived from marriage, e.g. single parents, cohabiting couples and those in customary and polygamous marriages would not be considered as true families in terms of these descriptions. The notion of the family as a domestic church was revived from the early days of household churches in the Second Vatican Council document Lumen gentium (LG 11) and has been used in many later church documents. It is not always clear whether it refers to marriage only or not. In his letter Gratissimam sane on the occasion of the 1994 International Year of the Family St John Paul referred to the phrase “domestic church”, and wished it would remain alive in people’s minds while being aware of the changed conditions of families today. “Precisely because of this, there is a continuing relevance to the title chosen by the Council in the Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes in order to indicate what the Church should be doing in the present situation: ‘Promoting the dignity of marriage and the family’.”10 He encouraged prayer as “encouraging witness on the part of those families who live out their human and Christian vocation in the communion of the home… With reason it can be said that these families make up ‘the norm,’ even admitting the existence of more than a few ‘irregular situations.’…Unfor- tunately, various programmes backed by very powerful resources nowadays seem to aim at the breakdown of the family. At times it appears that concerted efforts are being made to present as ‘normal’ and attractive, and even to glamourize, situations which are in fact ‘irregular.’ Indeed, they contradict ‘the truth and love’ which should inspire and guide relationships between men and women, thus causing tensions and divisions in families, with grave consequences particularly for children.”11 Defining what constitutes a family proves to be difficult even in the secular world. The United Nations and national governments in developing family policies

9 National Conference of Catholic Bishops of the United States, Committee on Marriage and Family: A Family Perspective in Church and Society, Washington: USCCB, 2004, 14. 10 John Paul II: Letter to Families for the International Year of the Family Gratissimam Sane, 3; available at https://w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/letters/1994/documents/hf_jp-ii_ let_02021994_families.html; accessed 19.09.2016. 11 Gratissimam sane, 5.

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also find this is due to different beliefs and changing realities.Th e quarterly bul- letin of the Vienna NGO Committee on the Family in its September newsletter (2016) quotes from a number of submissions made to the UN Commission for Social Development February 2016.12 This was a follow up to the World Summit for Social Development and the twenty fourth special session of the General Assembly with a priority theme: rethinking and strengthening social development in the contemporary world. Some stakeholders in their statements describe a family based on marriage between a man and a woman, while others do not define its structure. The South African White Paper on Families in South Africa (2013) describes a family as “related by blood (kinship), adoption, foster care or the ties of marriage (civil, customary or religious), civil union or cohabitation, and goes beyond a particular physical residence.”13 It noted an aspect of society as made up of 23% nuclear families, plus 16% extended families. Extended families take many different forms and can include a marriage. Examples are three-generational, skip-generational, sibling-headed, same-sex or polygamous and family structures that change over time as members grow, move out and new members are added. A research paper by the SA Institute of Race Relations (2011) entitled First Steps in Healing the South African Family noted that 35% of children are living with both biological parents.14 According to the 2011 census of South Africans 43.7% had never been married, 36.7% were married at the time, 11.0% were living together like married partners, 5.7% were widowed, 0.9% separated, and 1.9% divorced. In South Africa marriage, and church marriage in particular, is not the life experience of the majority of adults.

What is (Family) Spirituality?

Everyone has spirituality, some means of experiencing a relationship with God, or a higher Power. Sandra Schneider describes spirituality as “consciously striving to integrate one’s life in terms not of isolation and self-absorption but of self- transcendence towards the ultimate value one perceives”.15 Spirituality is nevertheless about being in touch with one’s inner self and is not necessarily determined by one’s religion. A.B. Smith calls for a paradigm shift. His “new consciousness resulting from the paradigm shift allows humankind to live reflectively, seeking

12 Vienna NGO Committee on the Family: “Statement” [submitted to the UN Commission for Social Development], February 2016, available at http://www.viennafamilycommittee.org; accessed 19.09.2016. 13 Republic of South Africa, Department of Social Development: White Paper on Families in South Africa, 2012, available at http://www.dsd.gov.za/index.php?option=com_docman&task= doc_download&gid=370&Itemid=39; accessed 19.09.2016. 14 L. Holborn/G. Eddy: First Steps to Healing the South African Family, Johannesburg: South African Institute of Race Relations, 2011. 15 Quoted in P. Endean: “Spirituality and the University”, in: The Way Supplement 84 (1995), 87-99, here 95.

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the divine in one’s own inner core and choosing deliberately to follow a kingdom lifestyle. For Christians this is following the authentic kingdom message of Jesus.”16 Spirituality has evolved over time but for many centuries was primarily the domain of clergy and religious. G. Foley in Family-Centred Church, a New Parish Model, states: “Spirituality has to do with the way we live our daily lives. It does not make us other-worldly but more fully alive. Many people relate it to formal prayer and church attend- ance, even ascetical practices.”17 There is no one way of “naming the holy”. Women’s experience of childbirth or of oppression, or low self-esteem as they allow themselves to be touched by God, begins the journey of wholeness. Male spirituality forces men to encounter their own feminine and recognise their own more active approach.18 Spirituality has promoted personal and communal relationships with God, a view which does not necessarily adopt the family as a unit. Even now feminine and masculine spiritualities may be promoted more strongly.19 We do pray about our family issues, but do we experience God within the family relationships? Formal prayers and devotions to Mary and other saints are very Catholic, but faith sharing as a form of spirituality is not a common practice. Other denominations are often more bible-centred and also more at ease with spontaneous prayer. Family spirituality is linked with one’s understanding of family as well as one’s worldview and in fact becomes a worldview. It is described in the manual of the Southern African Catholic Bishops Conference’s Family Life Desk (An Introduc- tion to Parish Family Ministry, 2009) as “looking with family eyes” at all aspects of life and love, even beyond the specific aspects of family life. A section focuses on the wider area of marriage ministry while families of all kinds at home are one of the areas for promoting spiritual growth.20 This general family focus is the approach adopted by MARFAM, Marriage and Family Life Renewal Ministry which produces resource materials for family education, enrichment and faith sharing on a range of family topics. Some religious writers on family spirituality have honed in on enriching the spirituality in the various life situations and family relationships and not considered marriage as the only foundation. Foley in Family-Centred Church calls for a paradigm shift amongst others from a spirituality of individual piety to one of relationships, from otherworldly to the holiness of ordinary life and from neuter to masculine/feminine. The sense of sexuality shifts from procreation/mutual love to a spirituality of sexuality. Even liturgy and ritual should change focus from the

16 A.B. Smith: A Reason for Living and Hoping, London: St Pauls, 2002. 17 G. Foley: Family-Centred Church: A New Parish Model, Kansas City: Sheed and Ward, 1995, 111-112. 18 Ibid. 174 19 Ibid. 8-9. 20 T. Rowland: An Introduction to Parish Family Ministry, Pretoria: Southern African Catholic Bishops Conference, Family Life Desk, 2009.

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institutional church to the home as the ordinary place.21 Fr Charles (Chuck) Gallagher wrote extensively on spirituality of marriage and of sexuality including in Embodied in Love, Sacramental Spirituality and Sexual Intimacy.22 The concept that sex is holy was an eye-opener for many couples experiencing Marriage Encounter in the 1970s. To youth he suggested that falling in love is a conversion, an experience of God. In a talk on the “Domestic Church and Family Spiritual- ity” he lists identifying characteristics of a family spirituality that include unconditional love, communication, belonging, conflict-forgiveness-healing, family goals, security of permanence and interdependence versus independence. With reference to African spirituality the 1994 African Synod of Catholic Bishops in the post-synodal exhortation Ecclesia in Africa (1996) presented the image of “Church as Family of God” because of similar family-orientated characteristics. African spirituality is traditionally and by nature family-centred. Ancestors and rituals play an important role. Dlungwane claims that Africans have tended to adopt a dual personality. On the one hand there is a personal relationship with God while on the other Christianity, presented in doctrinal and biblical terms, “has failed dismally to penetrate the African soul”.23 Skhakhane emphasizes that there is no dichotomy between spiritual and material.24 Orabator entitles his book Theology Brewed in an African Pot. However, it can be described as spirituality too. He writes: “As Africans we know God from birth; we grow up in an environment filled with many experiences of God and we live in communion with many spiritual beings and entities.”25 Much has been written on conjugal or marital spirituality in papal documents since the Second Vatican Council, as well as by theologians, priests, secular writers and psychologists. However not much has filtered down to the coal-face. In a research paper I have explored the spirituality of marriage in this context and described marriage as a neglected sacrament.26 Some marriage movements for preparation and enrichment are active in the Catholic network in South Africa: Catholic Engaged Encounter, Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille and Equipes de Nossa Senhora. Spirituality within these does differ. A rich theological marital spirituality of a couple as a community of love related to the Trinity is taken from Marriage Encounter and described in Family Matters magazine in 2005.27

21 G. Foley: Family-Centred Church, 7. 22 C.A. Gallagher/G.A. Maloney/M.F. Rousseau et al: Embodied in Love: Sacramental Spirituality and Sexual Intimacy, Melbourne: Dove Communications, 1983. 23 P. Dlungwane: “The New Testament in the Context of African Spirituality”, in: Inculturation in the South African Context, Nairobi: Paulines, 2000, 133. 24 J. Skhakhane: “African Spirituality”, in: Inculturation in the South African Context, 125. 25 A. Orobator: Theology Brewed in an African Pot, Nairobi: Paulines, 2009, 140. 26 T. Rowland: “The Contribution of Marriage Encounter towards Enriching a Spirituality of Marriage in Africa”, Research paper, St Augustine College, 2004, 24. 27 T. Rowland: “Marriage and the Church: Nuptialising the Church”, in: Family Matters, Johannesburg: MARFAM, 2015.

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Towards a Spirituality of Family Relationships

Our topic here, concerning spirituality, is to ask: While recognising marriage as the ideal foundation of a family, in what ways can a family spirituality or a spirituality of relationships go further and also be applied to those not in families built on marriage? How does the pregnant single teenage mother experience God in her situation? Or how does her partner, the boy or man? Or how does the divorcee after a failed relationship relate to God, having fallen in love with a new partner? Or how do those with a LGBTI orientation discern God’s plan for their life? The widowed and orphans are recipients of care, but what is their spirituality? How do children who have experienced or witnessed parental abuse view God, as loving Father? Wendy Wright uses the rooms of a house to reflect on how families experience holiness in any relationships. She writes: “Our spiritual longings are realised not only in journeying but also in dwelling, on the already as well as the not yet.”28 Mitch Finley, another Catholic writer, speaks positively and with hope on all aspects of family life in Your Family in Focus. He states: “A single parent family may not fit the traditional model but it is a family.T o call such families broken is no help at all. A single-parent family is just that, a family with one parent.”29 Programmes exist for successful parenting, using psychological approaches or also incorporating the spiritual. Following writers mentioned above, it is my contention that when there is a specific focus on parenting or grandparenting, it is possible to be inclusive of all parents and not necessarily only those who are married. Reflecting on the reality of one’s family and one’s spirituality can be challenging if considered in the light of church teaching with doctrines and canon law. Clear examples are contraception or homosexuality. The aim is to find God present in these complex realities even if there is objectively a state of sin and bearing in mind the role of conscience. This brings us back to Amoris laetitia and an examination of how it promotes and develops the spirituality of marriage and of family life. It is only possible to make brief references to the document. Highlighted are those that support my position that a family spirituality should be sought that can more readily accommodate the various types and aspects of family life which are the experience in our country.

Spirituality in Amoris Laetitia

As noted above the purpose of this paper is not a summary of the document, or a critique, or an attempt to regularise so-called “irregular” situations but a

28 W. Wright: Sacred Dwelling: A Spirituality of Family Life, London: Darton, Longman and Todd, 2007. 29 M. Finley: Your Family in Focus, Notre Dame: Ave Maria Press, 1993, 82.

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reflection on the concept of spirituality for all and so only relevant passages are quoted or commented upon. A most definitive passage on the spirituality ofA moris laetitia is quoted below. It is taken from the final chapter 9, headed “The Spirituality of Marriage and Family Life”. The Lord’s presence dwells in real and concrete families with all their daily troubles and struggles, joys and hopes. Living in a family makes it hard for us to feign or lie; we cannot hide behind a mask. If that authenticity is inspired by love, then the Lord reigns there with his joy and his peace. The spirituality of family love is made up of thousands of small but real gestures. In that variety of gifts and encounters which deepen communion God has his dwelling place. This mutual concern brings together human and the divine for it is filled with the love of God. In the end marital spirituality is a spirituality of the bond in which divine love dwells. (AL 315) No doubt, what Pope Francis has presented in this document is a powerful inspiring affirmation of the traditional teaching and vision of marriage between a man and a woman, which in his view is not well understood and also needs to be promoted strongly. He recently stated that this poor understanding could invalidate marriages.30 In Amoris laetitia, he devoted two of the nine chapters (4 and 5) to marriage and its spirituality. A reflection on the popular passage from 1 Cor 13 is full of Pope Francis’ own brand of spiritual and down to earth advice on how to build a successful marriage relationship, while being cognisant of problems. Much of this chapter could be applied well to other or all family relationships. The spirituality referred to however throughout the document is repeatedly related back to a family based on marriage, leaving the situation of other family types unclear, as also discussed above. A spirituality of fruitfulness in the context of marriage in chapter 5 has many references to the catecheses of Saint John Paul II and his theology of the body which builds heavily on marriage and natural family planning. The Church’s condemnation of artificial contraception has been a sticking point for couples for years, has not become an aspect of their spirituality and been widely rejected by many. Pope Francis makes a number of indirect references to it, does not condemn but takes a nuanced approach throughout the document. “Married love requires of husband and wife the full awareness of their obligations in the matter of responsible parenthood, which today, rightly enough, is much insisted upon, but which at the same time must be rightly understood. It requires that husband and wife, keeping a right order of priorities, recognize their own duties towards God, themselves, their families and human society.” (AL 68) He nowhere calls artificial birth control “intrinsically evil” or that it goes against the laws laid down by God the Creator. He writes: “The upright consciences of spouses who have been

30 Cf. http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/most-marriages-today-are-invalid-pope-francis- suggests-51752/; accessed 19.09.2016.

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generous in transmitting life may lead them, for sufficiently serious reasons, to limit the number of their children.” (AL42) Sexuality is presented very well too but primarily in the context of marriage, including also the sections on sex education for youth (cf. AL 283). However, all people are sexual beings all their lives and through all the stages of growth and development they have to live out their own spirituality of sexuality in chosen and appropriate ways. When would they be “living in sin”? How would their conscience be employed at any time? Also in Chapter 5 there are very meaningful images of spirituality of parenting, in particular in describing pregnancy and childbirth from a mother’s perspective while noting the practical tasks and importance of both mother and father (AL 168-177). However again, a deeper spirituality of those long years of finding God in the reality of parenting teens, and adult children, the changing nature of (any) parent-child relationships including those in step-families and children’s relationships with God is again not well developed. The section on life in the wider family (AL 187-197) also addresses sons and daughters, the elderly, brothers and sisters, and calls for providing love and support to all types of family situations, e.g. “teenage mothers, children without parents, single mothers left to raise children, person with disabilities, addicts, unmarried, separated, divorced, widowed, in-laws”, even those who have made a shipwreck of their lives (AL 197). Marital spirituality is obviously applicable to widowed, divorced and not remarried in a derivative way. In my view what is not recognised is that people will only live in a married state for a portion of their lives, being single before and most often after marriage. There is no development of a spirituality of such situations. Spirituality is also more intrinsic to an individual and differs from pastoral care by others.W hile the Eucharist is obviously a great value, very many couples do not share a common religion. Encouraging couple prayer teamed with dialogue is a second-best alternative (AL 186). Chapter 6 on “Some Pastoral Perspectives” (AL 199-258) covers mainly situations around marriage. Helpful is the stress on training for pastoral care of clergy and laity (AL 200-204). While couples are encouraged to do so, in my experience this is also quite commonly handled by one lay person, male or female. Marriage preparation, care for newly-weds, dealing with crisis and divorce are presented with compassion towards them as also the death of a spouse (AL 254). Pope Francis makes it clear that everyone should be made to feel part of the church and not be discriminated against. This applies to those who have remarried, for cohabiting couples (of all ages) and single parents and to those with same-sex attractions “to assist them in discovering God’s plan”. Same-sex marriage however is unacceptable (AL 250-251). The really difficult question then is how do these church members or those in e.g. polygamous marriages experience God in their lives? In discussions I have been told of feelings of alienation, guilt, of not quite being good enough. In theory once an unwed mother has confessed and received absolution her sin is forgiven but somehow her guilt remains.

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Discussion with couples cohabiting prior to marriage reveals mixed guilt feelings. A knowledge of doctrine does inhibit the joy of irregular relationships. One could say quite rightly so. And yet Pope Francis constantly states, especially in The Face of Mercy, that no one should feel excluded.31 Is mercy the only possible solution? Chapter 7 explores in depth the education of children and passing on the faith, morals, discipline, freedom and maturity. “What is most important is the ability lovingly to help them grow in freedom, maturity, overall discipline and real autonomy.” (AL 261) It is in itself almost a course in parenting education. It is helpful in that “the family” and “parents” are mentioned generically rather than mentioning specific types of family structures or situations. However, an assumption of a traditional nuclear family would be implied. On sex education it is acknowledged that this is not easy today but it should be seen within a “broader framework of an education for love and for mutual self-giving” (AL 280). The issue of orientation is rather skirted around. “Sex education should help young people to accept their own bodies and to avoid the pretension ‘to cancel out sexual difference because one no longer knows how to deal with it’.” (AL 285) “The configuration or our own mode of being, whether male or female” determined by multiple elements and the ultimate goal is marriage (AL 286). From experience I know that young people and their families do agonise over the issue of inclination and orientation which is a very spiritual issue for them in various ways. Passing on the faith is an important element in family spirituality. Rituals and traditions related to their daily life as well as church life are inherently spiritual. Chapter 8 addresses “Discernment and Accompaniment” (AL 291–312). This particularly concerns irregular and imperfect situations, i.e. those not built on marriage or derived from it. It does so mainly from a doctrinal position and in terms of canon law. Spirituality underlies this. The so-called “law of gradualness”, the knowledge that the human being “knows, loves and accomplishes moral good by different stages of growth” is very helpful in many cases (AL 295). Paragraph 297 contains crucial statements. Everyone can be touched, “by an unmerited, unconditional and gratuitous” mercy. No one can be condemned forever. Then follows a challenging passage for someone in my position. “If someone wants to impose something other than what the Church teaches he or she can in no way presume to teach or preach to others.” My reflections on spirituality do not address the teachings or impose something other, but address the issue of how people in any situation experience God’s presence and God’s plan. How many leave the church because they cannot reconcile their inner conflict, sometimes with the support of a pastor? The merciful approach, what I would describe as the spirituality of Pope Francis, can be a spiritual life-saver or be a difficult answer too at times. Also of interest is the statement “The synod Fathers stated that the church does not disregard the constructive elements in those situations which do

31 Francis: The Face of Mercy, Nairobi: Paulines, 2015.

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not or no longer correspond to her teaching on marriage” (AL 292). Many people who no longer practise their religion would claim they have not lost their faith and do have a spirituality which is not fulfilled in the traditional practice of their faith. Chapter 9 specifically on marital and family spirituality while containing beautiful images was ultimately disappointing to me. Meaningful examples of spirituality are given which are then at times explicitly linked to marriage (AL 314-316). Very valuable, for couples, is the statement that family spirituality does not detract from their growth in the life of the Spirit, “it is a path which the Lord is using to lead them to the heights of mystical union”. Forms of popular piety and prayer are valued in many cultures as an important herit- age. At times spirituality can be too simplistic. Maybe for me this is because it tends to focus on doing rather than relating and being. Saying “please, thank you and I’m sorry,” as Pope Francis often recommends are necessary and nice but more is required too than leaving a simple prayer at mealtimes to the young- est member, as has been common practice in my own family. A helpful process of teaching mutual life-giving decision-making to engaged couples that could well be generalised to families as an avenue towards a spirituality of ordinary life is the following: A. PRAYER – Prayer opens our hearts and minds to God B. DISCERNMENT 1. Gather information 2. Consultation 3. Mutual discussion 4. Consider consequences C. MUTUAL AGREEMENT – Make a decision together that we both (all) support. D. MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY – Beyond supporting the decision, we take responsibility for living it out. E. RE-EVALUATION – As changes occur, re-think and re-work our original decision. After all my reflections on marriage and family the final line in AL 324 left me feeling confused. “The family lives its spirituality precisely by being at one and the same time a domestic church and a vital cell for transforming the world.” Probably my most relatable statement is: “Jesus expects us to stop looking for niches that shelter us from the maelstrom of human misfortune and instead to enter into the reality of other people’s lives and to know the power of tenderness. Whenever we do so, our lives become wonderfully complicated.” (AL 357) These reflections and some more critical responses toA moris laetitia are a considered way to move towards addressing a serious need. Formation for an adult family spirituality of any kind, which includes marriage, like adult catechesis, is generally limited and most often non-existent across our country. Develop- ing this aspect is one of the expressed goals of the above-mentioned Parish Family Ministry programme. A personal experience of spirituality in widowhood is now presented to illus- trate a more distinctive family spirituality of a particular family situation.

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Widowhood and its Spirituality – a Personal Experience

In our marriage enrichment programmes couples are invited to share their thoughts on death. One never expects to be widowed relatively young. My husband’s short illness ended in his death without my having an opportunity to say goodbye and achieve some kind of closure. This was undoubtedly the most trau- matic experience of my life. On a psychological stress scale the death of a spouse rates the highest. I was shattered, felt torn in half, riddled with guilt, anger at him and at God, experiencing absolute desolation and great confusion. If our goal in our marriage was to achieve unity as we had so often shared, why was I being left alone? I expressed many of these thoughts and feelings in writing, in prayer poems addressed to God and to Chris some of which have been published in a booklet.32 This was my spiritual journey and a means of continuing our relationship. One poem was, “My widowhood is like my broken leg”.33 The opening poem in this paper, “Did you wash your face with tears?”, was written some six months later. Over the years my prayer poems have become fewer while I continued reflecting and writing on the process and developing some support for other widowed people. Where is God to be found in widowhood? Early on I spent almost an entire weekend retreat in tears, grieving tears, searching tears. A fellow retreatant said to me: “God says that he will be your husband”. That blew my mind. No way did I want God, I wanted my man, the one with whom I lived and loved, made love and had children with, but with whom I nevertheless at times experienced quite serious conflict. My pain has dulled as I have been able to reorganise my life, following alone the path we had chosen to travel together and become more self-sufficient. In my family ministry work now I often feel his absence. In the marriage movements I feel excluded as if I no longer belong. Church structures also appear to be more welcoming to couples than widows. Becoming widowed is a process one is forced into and is hardly a choice. Simple faith may accept that this is God’s will. That didn’t help me. I got help from reading and discovering that God’s will is our salvation. Suffering and pain are not God’s will but God can accompany one through it. One may not even want this accompaniment from God or goodhearted fellow parishioners initially. Peer support at widowed retreats, listening to others, crying, sharing their story, even repeatedly, is a healing balm for each of us. Different cultures experience dealing with the practical side of widowhood differently.F or example, black widows have shared difficulties even experiencing being blamed for his death by their husband’s family. What of physical needs, sexual or just the need to be hugged and held? What of the possibility of new relationships? How are all these integrated into oneself and spirituality?

32 T. Rowland: Becoming Widowed, Johannesburg: MARFAM, 2006 (revised 2016). 33 Ibid. 34.

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I studied bereavement theories of Kubler-Ross and Worden but Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief – a book of essays – presented me with a relatable response.34 Particularly helpful was a section “Ties with deceased spouses in widowhood”. My spirituality even after sixteen years remains built on marriage. It was our intimacy and the unity that we strove for in our relationship that was our way to God. I do not relate to God as a single, but as a no-longer- married woman. Memories are also important but I do not consider myself “stuck” as some people might say. A recent article “The Nature of Spirituality in Spousal Bereavement” in INTAMS Review supports my own experience and discusses the possibility of experiencing joy within the process.35 My research led to offering workshops, with some input on the process, followed by sharing. As resources for understanding the spirituality I produced the booklet Becoming Widowed (2006) and Stations of the Cross for Those Who Are Widowed (2001).36 In the widowed booklet the bereavement experience is related to each of the fourteen stations. Jesus was betrayed and unjustly condemned. Do you feel unjustly condemned, betrayed? Can you relate to Jesus’ own experience of being made to carry his cross? Because of the need for consolation to end on a note of hope for a future resurrection a fifteenth station, the Resurrection of Jesus, has been added. This in a way brings me back full circle to Amoris laetitia, the Joy of Love and my opening reflection poem on tears. At his bedside I was fascinated by the tear in his eye. Was it a tear of sadness or gladness, of having lived our commitment to God, the Church and one another? This was our spirituality. Even now I do at times when I share a memory still involuntarily dissolve into tears. But recently on the occasion of his anniversary I called up a favourite photo and my immediate response was not tears but to smile back at him, hopefully a time is coming of a renewed Joy of Love?

Concluding Comments

Spirituality as one’s personal relationship with God is a very complex concept. It is influenced by one’s values that have been taught and adopted yet is also related to how one works with one’s conscience. Couple spirituality is unique and doubly complex in “marrying” two individuals on many levels while retain- ing their individuality too. Similarly, family spirituality of the unit which may or may not include a couple has its own dimensions recognising God present within the family and acting out of that knowledge as individual members and

34 D. Klass/P. Silverman/S. Nickman (eds.): Continuing Bond: New Understandings of Grief, Levittown, PA: Taylor and Francis, 1996. 35 Cf. S. Tomkinson: “The Nature of Spirituality in Spousal Bereavement”, in: INTAMS Review 21/2 (2015), 212-220. 36 T. Rowland: Stations of the Cross for those who Are Widowed, Johannesburg: MARFAM, 2001 (also available in Zulu, Sotho and Tswana).

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a team. The concept of the common good is ideally formed and developed in such a structure. The spirituality of the sacrament of marriage is well described and appears to underlie the post-synodal exhortation as a whole. With the reality in family life in the South African context the concern in this paper is to what extent a spirituality is recognised of the many relationships that are not based on or derived from marriage. In the many cases where irregular or imperfect situations are noted it is suggested that they require compassionate care. It would be heartless to sug- gest that single parents do not experience the real joy of parenthood. I believe that an understanding around intrinsic spirituality is still to be developed. How does each family member feel and how is that related to God? There are no easy answers. Maybe the document should be “The Joy of Mar- ried Love” as those who are married, and maybe even struggling, will find much to inspire them. I believe there are other hurting people who I fear may not find that same personal comfort from reading The Joy of Love. Finally, it is timely and appropriate to return to the image of the nature of spirituality presented as my opening statement: the gift of tears and the question of my tearfulness as my involuntary reaction to reading Amoris laetitia. “It’s all about marriage. What about me? Where do I fit in?”Th is was my immediate heart-felt response. “Are only crumbs from the table to be offered to all those in imperfect, irregular situations and to those who have been but are no longer married or have never married?” Who knows?

Summary Amoris Laetitia and a Spirituality of Family Life: A Personal and Professional Response The Catholic Church is possibly better known for its moral than for its pastoral theology, for teaching and upholding doctrine than developing a spirituality than incor- porates doctrine and seeks to apply it to the daily life of its families. Amoris laetitia, Pope Francis’ Apostolic Exhortation on Family Life, was produced as his response to the two important consultative Synods of Bishops on the Family in 2014 and 2015. Interestingly it addresses itself in addition to pastors to “Christian couples and everyone” as it seeks to present a way forward to live according to God’s plan in the often difficult situations in which families of today find themselves. But how does the document approach a spirituality of marriage and of other aspects of family life? Do couples and family members in the various types of families that exist today live out a spirituality that speaks to them in their context or approaches them as individuals? Is a spirituality of sexuality, marriage over a lifetime, grieving and loss in widowhood, anger, resentment and guilt of divorce, the joys and pains of parent-child relationships from birth to adult- hood relevant and valued by families in the secular world of today? It is the writer’s contention that a spirituality of marriage per se is well presented in Amoris laetitia while that of other forms of family relationships is not explored.

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Toni (Antonette) Rowland was born in Holland in 1944 in the dying years of World War II. After the death of her father her mother emigrated to South Africa with three daughters. After studying music she turned her attention more to church work, catechetics in parish and diocese as well as a joint interest in church music with her late husband. Together as a couple they were instrumental in bringing Catholic Engaged Encounter and Retrouvaille to South Africa. Having come to an awareness that there is more to family life than marriage MARFAM was an initiative in 1994 to develop a ministry to families. After the death of her husband Toni continued alone and begun to offer widowed support.A Parish Family Ministry programme was developed by MARFAM which after her appointment at the SACBC Family Life Desk became a recognised interdiocesan programme. After retirement from the Bishops’ Conference the MARFAM publications ministry has continued with a range of publications in print and digital media being produced.

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