A YES / NO / MAYBE LIST (for beginners)
From Leah Carey Sexual Communication Coach Why use a Yes / No / Maybe list? The kink/BDSM community has been using Yes/No/Maybe lists for a long time to make sure that everyone is on the same page before a “scene.” But people who aren’t into kink (also known as “vanilla”) can benefit from the same concept – using a rating scale as a way to generate conversation and negotiation before getting into the bedroom.
How to use it Print two copies. You and your partner should each fill one out separately. BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE!! Giving the answer that you THINK your partner wants will only muddy the communication.
Once you have both completed the checklist, sit together and compare your answers. Put the majority of your focus on the places where your “yes”es align – this is where you’ll both be in your pleasure zone! DO NOT try to talk your partner out of a “no.” This leads to distrust and resentment – the exact opposite of what you need to build a healthy, fulfilling sex life!
There may be things on this list that you’ve never considered or are WAY outside your comfort zone. That’s okay. This list isn’t meant to pressure you into considering things that aren’t for you – it’s simply a place to record your honest feelings about various activities so you have a place to start conversation with your partner(s).
On the flip side – this is not an exhaustive list. If there are things you want to do that aren’t on here, I’ve left some spaces for you to add your own! (And please drop me an email at [email protected] so I can add them to my master list!)
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Start with the basics... Because this list is meant for partners who are just beginning to open the lines of communication, it assumes a two-person interaction. Adding another person to your sexual interaction requires a significantly higher level of communication and trust, so spend some time making sure you and your partner are VERY comfortable addressing the questions on this list before moving to varsity-level activities.
Speaking of varsity-level activities: this list includes some light power play activities, but does not delve deep into BDSM territory. There are already many excellent Yes/No/Maybe lists for BDSM play that can be found through a quick Google search. If you want to move into more serious impact play, fetish play, and other harder-core activities, seek them out.
Keep talking! This is not a one-time conversation. Make a date with your partner to revisit your lists periodically – every three months? Six months? Once a year? Things change over time. Make sure you are up-to-date on your partner’s needs and desires! And one more thing... There is a lot here. You don't need to do it all in one sitting! Take it in chunks if you need to. Or, if you're the power-through type, go ahead and get it done!
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Notes on the rating scale
A “yes” could mean many things. There’s a vast difference between a “HELL YES – any day, any time!” and a “Yes, I’m willing to do this occasionally to please my partner.” But an “x” in the “yes” column doesn’t provide that distinction.
That’s why I suggest rating your “yes”es from 1 (“I’m willing to do this occasionally to please my partner”) to 10 (“HELL YES!”).
It provides a means of negotiation with your partner – if they want something at an 8 and you only want it at a 3, you can either find an activity that’s an 8 for both of you … or on that night you can do the activity that’s an 8 for them with the understanding that next time the two of you will do an activity that is an 8 for you and only a 3 for them.
What if you mark something as a “yes” or a “maybe” … but when you do it, you don’t love it? Let your partner know! IT’S OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND! And if you find that something is more exciting to fantasize about than to actually do, let your partner know that too! Perhaps you can incorporate it into your dirty talk, but make sure your partner understands your boundaries.
Next steps
This checklist is a great place to start conversation with your partner. In doing this exercise, some couples may find that there are deeper issues to address. In those cases, it’s often useful to have a coach or counselor join you to make sure that everyone feels safe, seen, heard, and understood. If you find yourself in this situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me to talk about coaching. You can email me directly at [email protected] or you can fill out my coaching form at leahcarey.com/work- with-me. I look forward to talking with you!
And whether you feel the need for further coaching or not, I’d LOOOOOVE to hear how this checklist works for you! Please drop me a line at [email protected] or reach out to me on Facebook or Instagram to let me know what you're discovering about yourself and your partner!
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Here's to your better sex life! Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Types of touch:
Sensual kissing
Passionate kissing
Kissing/licking/nibbling (where?)
Feather light touch (where?)
Kneading/massage touch (where?)
Tickling touch (where?)
Pinching (where and how hard?)
Wrestling/play fighting (intensity?)
Other types of touch (describe)
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Genital touch:
Touching genitals with fingers (external)
Touching anus with fingers (external)
Touching genitals with mouth (external)
Touching anus with mouth (external)
Penetrating genitals with tongue
Penetrating anus with tongue
Inserting fingers into genitals
Inserting fingers into anus
Touching genitals with toys (external)
Touching anus with toys (external)
Inserting toys into genitals (what toys?)
Inserting toys into anus (what toys?)
Vaginal fisting
Anal fisting
Penis (or strap on)-in-vagina penetration
Penis (or strap on)-in-anus penetration
G-spot stimulation
G-spot massage
Prostate massage
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] QUICK CHECK-IN FROM LEAH
How are you doing? Is this making you nervous? That last page was a lot!
If so – THAT’S OKAY! This is stuff we don’t usually talk about, and some of us don’t even want to think about!
If you’re feeling a little jittery but okay to keep going, take a deep breath and turn the page!
If you’re feeling REALLY jittery, get a glass of water (or wine!). Do a couple jumping jacks. Do something to physically dispel some of the nerves. Then turn the page!
If you’re feeling like you can’t possibly turn the page because you might end up sharing something that you’re afraid for your partner to know, I can help. You and your partner can send me your FILLED OUT checklists separately (so neither of you sees the other’s list!) and I’ll get on the phone with you to work through the lists together. Find out more at leahcarey.com/checklist- mediator.
And if you’re not nervous at all … if you’re rarin’ to go … TURN THE PAGE!
Photo was taken by Zackary Drucker and is courtesy of The Gender Spectrum Collection. Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Activities that could leave marks:
Scratching (where? how hard? leave marks?)
Biting (where? how hard? leave marks?)
Sucking (where? how hard? leave marks?)
Slapping (where? how hard? leave marks?)
Sex positions:
Being on top during sex
Being on the bottom during sex
Sex from behind
Sex while kneeling
Side-by-side
Sitting
Standing
69
Dry humping / clothed rubbing
Scissoring / rubbing naked genitals
Tit fucking
Pegging
Quickies
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Cuddling:
Cuddling before sex
Cuddling after sex
Cuddling that doesn't lead to sexual play
Toys / props / role playing / other:
Role playing as foreplay
Role playing during sex
Costumes as foreplay
Costumes during sex
Lingerie during foreplay
Lingerie during sex
Cross dressing as foreplay
Cross dressing during sex
Blindfolding during foreplay
Blindfolding during sex
Restraints during foreplay
Restraints during sex
Dirty talk as foreplay
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Toys / props / other (continued):
Dirty talk during during sex
Hair brushing / nail painting / other grooming
Shaving / trimming pubic hair
Suspension (sex swing, etc.)
Rope tying
Electric stimulation
Strap ons
Ice cubes
Body paints
Candle wax
Nipple clamps
Food play
Enemas
Butt plugs
Sensation play (feather, silk, vampire gloves)
Vibrators (used externally)
Vibrators (used internally)
Dildos (used externally)
Dildos (used internally)
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Power play:
Many “vanilla” couples explore light power play activities like the ones listed below. If you are interested in pursuing more intense D/s activities, search Google for “BDSM yes/no/maybe checklist.”
Giving gentle instructions
Giving firm orders
Physically moving a partner into positions
Spanking during foreplay
Spanking during sex
Paddling / Caning / Flogging during foreplay
Paddling / Caning / Flogging during sex
Shoe / foot worship
Orgasm denial
Edging
Receiving impact / pain
Giving impact / pain
Giving impaOcnt a/ paaiinn / impact scale of 0 to 10, I can experience pleasure at a ____ On a pain / impact scale of 0 to 10, I can be comfortable giving at a ____ Sensation play (feather, silk, vampire gloves)
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Masturbation and porn / erotica:
Masturbation without partner present
Masturbation in front of partner
Masturbating with partner
Masturbating with partner's support
Watching porn alone
Watching porn together (what types?)
Reading erotica alone
Reading erotica aloud together
Leaving erotica for my partner to read
Masturbation and porn / erotica:
Public displays affection (where & how much?)
Role playing in public
Outdoor sex
Visiting strip club with partner
Strip club alone or w/ friends (w/o partner)
Visiting sex club with partner
Visiting sex club without partner
Voyeurism (watching in a sex-possible space)
Exhibitionism (in a sex-possible space)
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Ways to connect:
Lights on or off when I'm naked
Lights on or off when my partner is naked
Lights on or off during sex
Taking a bath together
Taking a shower together
Music on during foreplay
Music on during sex
TV on during foreplay
TV on during sex
Fluids and barriers:
Ejaculating in mouth
Swallowing ejaculate
Ejaculating in vagina
Ejaculating in anus
Ejaculating on face
Ejaculating on other parts of the body
Condom / dental dam for oral sex
Other physical barrier requirements
Birth control requirements
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Technology:
Sexy texts (words only)
Sexy photo texts
Taking nude photos
Taking nude video
Taking sex video
Phone sex
Video chat sex
Substance use during sex:
Cigarettes
Alcohol
Marijuana
Acid
Mushrooms
Other mind altering substances (specify)
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No
I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Ways to connect:
Lights on or off when I'm naked
Lights on or off when my partner is naked
Lights on or off during sex
Taking a bath together
Taking a shower together
Music on during foreplay
Music on during sex
TV on during foreplay
TV on during sex
Direct eye contact during foreplay
Direct eye contact during sex
Talking about my body (in what terms?)
Talking about my partner's body
Discussing sexual fantasies
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] OTHER THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER:
I prefer when my partner (does/does not) make noise during sex I (am/am not) comfortable with sex during menstruation I like my genitals to be referred to as: I do not like it when my genitals are referred to as: These parts of my body are off-limits: I’m not comfortable touching these parts of another person’s body: When I want you to stop, I will say: When I want you to keep going, I will say: When I want us to pause but not stop, I will say: I like it when (I/my partner) initiates sexual activities I like it when (I/my partner) initiates sexual activities unexpectedly I have trauma that gets triggered when: If I/my partner need to pause sexual activities to deal with a trigger or other emotional upset, my preferred way to handle that is: If I/my male partner can’t achieve or maintain an erection, my preferred way to handle that is: If I/my male partner can’t achieve or maintain an erection, the activities I would like to halt are: If I/my male partner can’t achieve or maintain an erection, the activities I’m comfortable continuing are: If I/my female partner isn’t lubricating, my preferred way to handle that is: If I/my female partner isn’t experiencing orgasm, my preferred way to handle that is: If I/my female partner isn’t experiencing orgasm, the activities I would like to halt are: If I/my female partner isn’t experiencing orgasm, the activities I’m comfortable continuing are: After I experience orgasm my preference is to: After I experience orgasm I would like my partner to: After my partner experiences orgasm my preference is to:
LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Holy shitballs, you did it!!!!!
That was a lot and you got through it!
Now make a plan to sit down with your partner and go over your lists.
If you find that you need support to have this conversation, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me! Visit leahcarey.com/checklist-mediator or email me directly at [email protected]. I look forward to talking with you!
Here's to your better sex life!
What if you could have ANYTHING you want in the bedroom without fear of being shamed or feeling like there’s something wrong with you (even if what you want is LESS sex)?
Leah is here to help you make that a reality!
Leah Carey is a sexual communication coach who helps people learn to communicate about sex so they can get what they really want in the bedroom - rather than just accepting (or tolerating!) what they’re given.
Sexual freedom is a subject that is deeply personal to Leah because she spent most of her life being a VERY good girl. Most of the sex she had was either boring or painful, but she endured it because she wanted the cuddling that happened after.
Having taken her own journey to sexual freedom, she is now passionate about breaking the silence, fear, and shame around women’s sexuality and pleasure, and redefining what it means to be a “good girl.”
Leah is the host of the “Good Girls Talk About Sex” podcast (click here to listen.)
You can find her at www.LeahCarey.com or: