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A YES / NO / MAYBE LIST (For Beginners)

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A YES / NO / MAYBE LIST (For Beginners) A YES / NO / MAYBE LIST (for beginners) From Leah Carey Sexual Communication Coach Why use a Yes / No / Maybe list? The kink/BDSM community has been using Yes/No/Maybe lists for a long time to make sure that everyone is on the same page before a “scene.” But people who aren’t into kink (also known as “vanilla”) can benefit from the same concept – using a rating scale as a way to generate conversation and negotiation before getting into the bedroom. How to use it Print two copies. You and your partner should each fill one out separately. BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE!! Giving the answer that you THINK your partner wants will only muddy the communication. Once you have both completed the checklist, sit together and compare your answers. Put the majority of your focus on the places where your “yes”es align – this is where you’ll both be in your pleasure zone! DO NOT try to talk your partner out of a “no.” This leads to distrust and resentment – the exact opposite of what you need to build a healthy, fulfilling sex life! There may be things on this list that you’ve never considered or are WAY outside your comfort zone. That’s okay. This list isn’t meant to pressure you into considering things that aren’t for you – it’s simply a place to record your honest feelings about various activities so you have a place to start conversation with your partner(s). On the flip side – this is not an exhaustive list. If there are things you want to do that aren’t on here, I’ve left some spaces for you to add your own! (And please drop me an email at [email protected] so I can add them to my master list!) LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Start with the basics... Because this list is meant for partners who are just beginning to open the lines of communication, it assumes a two-person interaction. Adding another person to your sexual interaction requires a significantly higher level of communication and trust, so spend some time making sure you and your partner are VERY comfortable addressing the questions on this list before moving to varsity-level activities. Speaking of varsity-level activities: this list includes some light power play activities, but does not delve deep into BDSM territory. There are already many excellent Yes/No/Maybe lists for BDSM play that can be found through a quick Google search. If you want to move into more serious impact play, fetish play, and other harder-core activities, seek them out. Keep talking! This is not a one-time conversation. Make a date with your partner to revisit your lists periodically – every three months? Six months? Once a year? Things change over time. Make sure you are up-to-date on your partner’s needs and desires! And one more thing... There is a lot here. You don't need to do it all in one sitting! Take it in chunks if you need to. Or, if you're the power-through type, go ahead and get it done! LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Notes on the rating scale A “yes” could mean many things. There’s a vast difference between a “HELL YES – any day, any time!” and a “Yes, I’m willing to do this occasionally to please my partner.” But an “x” in the “yes” column doesn’t provide that distinction. That’s why I suggest rating your “yes”es from 1 (“I’m willing to do this occasionally to please my partner”) to 10 (“HELL YES!”). It provides a means of negotiation with your partner – if they want something at an 8 and you only want it at a 3, you can either find an activity that’s an 8 for both of you … or on that night you can do the activity that’s an 8 for them with the understanding that next time the two of you will do an activity that is an 8 for you and only a 3 for them. What if you mark something as a “yes” or a “maybe” … but when you do it, you don’t love it? Let your partner know! IT’S OKAY TO CHANGE YOUR MIND! And if you find that something is more exciting to fantasize about than to actually do, let your partner know that too! Perhaps you can incorporate it into your dirty talk, but make sure your partner understands your boundaries. Next steps This checklist is a great place to start conversation with your partner. In doing this exercise, some couples may find that there are deeper issues to address. In those cases, it’s often useful to have a coach or counselor join you to make sure that everyone feels safe, seen, heard, and understood. If you find yourself in this situation, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me to talk about coaching. You can email me directly at [email protected] or you can fill out my coaching form at leahcarey.com/work- with-me. I look forward to talking with you! And whether you feel the need for further coaching or not, I’d LOOOOOVE to hear how this checklist works for you! Please drop me a line at [email protected] or reach out to me on Facebook or Instagram to let me know what you're discovering about yourself and your partner! LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Here's to your better sex life! Yes Maybe No I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Types of touch: Sensual kissing Passionate kissing Kissing/licking/nibbling (where?) Feather light touch (where?) Kneading/massage touch (where?) Tickling touch (where?) Pinching (where and how hard?) Wrestling/play fighting (intensity?) Other types of touch (describe) LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Genital touch: Touching genitals with fingers (external) Touching anus with fingers (external) Touching genitals with mouth (external) Touching anus with mouth (external) Penetrating genitals with tongue Penetrating anus with tongue Inserting fingers into genitals Inserting fingers into anus Touching genitals with toys (external) Touching anus with toys (external) Inserting toys into genitals (what toys?) Inserting toys into anus (what toys?) Vaginal fisting Anal fisting Penis (or strap on)-in-vagina penetration Penis (or strap on)-in-anus penetration G-spot stimulation G-spot massage Prostate massage LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] QUICK CHECK-IN FROM LEAH How are you doing? Is this making you nervous? That last page was a lot! If so – THAT’S OKAY! This is stuff we don’t usually talk about, and some of us don’t even want to think about! If you’re feeling a little jittery but okay to keep going, take a deep breath and turn the page! If you’re feeling REALLY jittery, get a glass of water (or wine!). Do a couple jumping jacks. Do something to physically dispel some of the nerves. Then turn the page! If you’re feeling like you can’t possibly turn the page because you might end up sharing something that you’re afraid for your partner to know, I can help. You and your partner can send me your FILLED OUT checklists separately (so neither of you sees the other’s list!) and I’ll get on the phone with you to work through the lists together. Find out more at leahcarey.com/checklist- mediator. And if you’re not nervous at all … if you’re rarin’ to go … TURN THE PAGE! Photo was taken by Zackary Drucker and is courtesy of The Gender Spectrum Collection. Yes Maybe No I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Activities that could leave marks: Scratching (where? how hard? leave marks?) Biting (where? how hard? leave marks?) Sucking (where? how hard? leave marks?) Slapping (where? how hard? leave marks?) Sex positions: Being on top during sex Being on the bottom during sex Sex from behind Sex while kneeling Side-by-side Sitting Standing 69 Dry humping / clothed rubbing Scissoring / rubbing naked genitals Tit fucking Pegging Quickies LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Cuddling: Cuddling before sex Cuddling after sex Cuddling that doesn't lead to sexual play Toys / props / role playing / other: Role playing as foreplay Role playing during sex Costumes as foreplay Costumes during sex Lingerie during foreplay Lingerie during sex Cross dressing as foreplay Cross dressing during sex Blindfolding during foreplay Blindfolding during sex Restraints during foreplay Restraints during sex Dirty talk as foreplay LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Toys / props / other (continued): Dirty talk during during sex Erotic dance / lap dance Hair brushing / nail painting / other grooming Shaving / trimming pubic hair Suspension (sex swing, etc.) Rope tying Electric stimulation Strap ons Ice cubes Body paints Candle wax Nipple clamps Food play Enemas Butt plugs Sensation play (feather, silk, vampire gloves) Vibrators (used externally) Vibrators (used internally) Dildos (used externally) Dildos (used internally) LEAH CAREY www.LeahCarey.com Sexual Communication Coach [email protected] Yes Maybe No I want Maybe I do not I want my Maybe I my I do not want my to do partner could do partner want to partner this to do this this could do do this to do (1-10) (1-10) this this Power play: Many “vanilla” couples explore light power play activities like the ones listed below.
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