EVERYONE COMMUNICATES, FEW CONNECT EVERYONE COMMUNICATES, FEW CONNECT WHAT THE MOST EFFECTIVE PEOPLE DO DIFFERENTLY JOHN C. MAXWELL © 2010 by John C. Maxwell All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or other—except for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher. Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc. Published in association with Yates & Yates, www.yates2.com. Thomas Nelson, Inc. titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fund-raising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail [email protected]. Scripture quotations from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson. © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved. Scripture quotations from HOLY BIBLE: NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION ®. © 1973, 1978, 1984, by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved. Page 27 Cartoon © Randy Glasbergen. Photographs were submitted by commentators on Dr. Maxwell’s blog. Used by permission. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Maxwell, John C. Everyone communicates, few connect : what the most effective people do differently / John C. Maxwell. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-7852-1425-0 ISBN 9781400280803 (IE) 1. Business communication. 2. Interpersonal communication. 3. Interpersonal relations. I. Title. HF5718.M387 2009 650.1'3—dc22 2009051528 Printed in the United States of America 10 11 12 13 14 WC 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 This book is dedicated to John Wesley Maxwell, our fifth grandchild. He has already “connected” with his Mimi and Papa. As he grows older, it is our prayer that he will learn to connect effectively with others. CONTENTS Acknowledgments Prologue PART I: CONNECTING PRINCIPLES 1. Connecting Increases Your Influence in Every Situation 2. Connecting Is All About Others 3. Connecting Goes Beyond Words 4. Connecting Always Requires Energy 5. Connecting Is More Skill Than Natural Talent PART II: CONNECTING PRACTICES 6. Connectors Connect on Common Ground 7. Connectors Do the Difficult Work of Keeping It Simple 8. Connectors Create an Experience Everyone Enjoys 9. Connectors Inspire People 10. Connectors Live What They Communicate Conclusion Contributors to JohnMaxwellonLeadership.com Notes About the Author ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Thank you to Charlie Wetzel, my writer Stephanie Wetzel, my social media manager and blog administrator Sue Caldwell, who types the first draft Linda Eggers, my assistant And thank you to the hundreds of people who read the manuscript on JohnMaxwellonLeadership.com and gave me their feedback (and whose names are listed beginning on page 251). PROLOGUE ast month I received an overseas phone call from LSangeeth Varghese, author, columnist, and founder of LeadCap, an organization developing leaders in India. He was interviewing me for Forbes. I enjoyed talking to Sangeeth, but we had a problem. Our phone connection was bad. I bet we got disconnected nearly a dozen times. One minute we’d be enjoying our conversation on leadership, and the next minute the line would go dead. Everybody’s had that happen during a phone call. It’s the reason Verizon did their “Can you hear me now?” campaign. When your phone drops a call, you know it, don’t you? And what is your reaction? How does it make you feel? Annoyed? Frustrated? Angry? Have you ever thought about why you react the way you do when you get disconnected? Being disconnected wastes your time. It interrupts the flow of what you’re trying to accomplish, and it undermines your productivity. The bottom line is that connecting is everything when it comes to communication. You know when you don’t have a good connection on the phone, but how about when you’re communicating with people in person? Do you know when a connection has been made? Can you tell when the connection is starting to go bad? Can you identify when the “call” has been dropped? Most people have an easy time knowing when the connection is good on the phone. But they have no idea if they’re connecting with others in other everyday situations. How do I tell? How do I know that I’ve connected with others? I look for the signs. When I interact with people, whether one on one, in a group, or with an audience, I know I’ve connected when I sense: • EXTRA EFFORT—people go the extra mile • UNSOLICITED APPRECIATION—they say positive things • UNGUARDED OPENNESS—they demonstrate trust • INCREASED COMMUNICATION—they express themselves more readily • ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCES—they feel good about what they’re doing • EMOTIONAL BONDEDNESS—they display a connection on an emotional level • POSITIVE ENERGY—their emotional “batteries” are charged by being together • GROWING SYNERGY—their effectiveness is greater than the sum of the contributions • UNCONDITIONAL LOVE—they are accepting without reservation Anytime I interact with people and I see evidence of these signals, I know I’m connecting. I’ve learned what it takes to connect with others, and I’ve learned to gauge when I’m succeeding. How are you doing when it comes to connecting? When you interact one on one with someone important in your life, do you receive these signals? When you lead a meeting or attend a group function, are these connecting characteristics evident? When you speak to an audience, do you connect with them in such a way that you’re not only effective at communicating, but it’s also a highly enjoyable experience for you and them? If you can’t answer these questions with a resounding yes, then you need to improve your ability to connect with people. Everyone talks. Everyone communicates. But few connect. Those who do connect take their relationships, their work, and their lives to another level. If you want to learn how to connect and thereby become more effective in everything you do, there’s good news. Even if connecting with others isn’t something you’re good at today, you can learn how to do it and become better tomorrow. And that’s why I wrote this book. I have learned how to connect well with people, and it is one of my greatest strengths. It’s one of the main reasons I am able to communicate with people. It is a foundational part of my leadership. And I’m even learning how to connect with people using new technology. In fact, I put this manuscript on my blog, JohnMaxwellonLeadership.com, so that I could connect with people on this subject and get their input and feedback. The chapters received more than 100,000 views during the eleven weeks they were posted. More than seventy quotes, stories, and anecdotes from readers made it into the book, and I made nearly one hundred changes and improvements to the manuscript based on people’s comments. I even asked the people who commented to submit photographs to be included in the book. The images on the cover and in the endpapers of this book are of the people who took the time to give their input and make the book better. But that wasn’t my primary motivation for posting the manuscript, nor is that my motivation for being on Twitter or using other new technology. I do these things because I want to add value to people. In 1979, I began writing books to make an impact on people I would never have the opportunity to meet in person. In 2009, I began blogging and using social media to expand my circle of connection with people even further. Now I can also add value to people who may never read one of my books. It’s just another way to connect with people. I am convinced that I can help you to learn how to connect with other people. That’s the reason I wrote Everyone Communicates, Few Connect. In the first part of the book, I’ll teach you the five principles that are foundational for understanding how to connect with people. In the second part, you’ll learn five practices that anyone can do to connect with others—regardless of age, experience, or natural ability. Learning to connect with people can change your life. Ready? Let’s get started. PART I CONNECTING PRINCIPLES 1 CONNECTING INCREASES YOUR INFLUENCE IN EVERY SITUATION ccording to experts, we are bombarded with thirty-five Athousand messages a day.1 Everywhere we go, everywhere we look, someone is trying to get our attention. Every politician, advertiser, journalist, family member, and acquaintance has something to say to us. Every day we are faced with e-mails, text messages, billboards, television, movies, radio, Twitter, Facebook, and blogs. Add to these newspapers, magazines, and books. Our world is cluttered with words. How do we choose which messages to tune in and which ones to tune out? At the same time, we also have messages we want to get across to others. I’ve read that, on average, most people speak about sixteen thousand words a day.2 If you transcribed those words, they’d fill a three-hundred-page book every week. At the end of a year, you would have an entire bookcase full of words. In a lifetime, you’d fill a library. But how many of your words would matter? How many would make a difference? How many would get through to others? Talk is easy. Everybody talks. The question is, how can you make your words count? How can you really communicate with others? CONNECTING CAN MAKE YOU OR BREAK YOU People cannot succeed in life without communicating effectively.