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4-1-2008 The oW oster Voice (Wooster, OH), 2008-04-01 Wooster Voice Editors

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This Book is brought to you for free and open access by the "The oV ice" Student Newspaper Collection at Open Works, a service of The oC llege of Wooster Libraries. It has been accepted for inclusion in The oV ice: 2001-2011 by an authorized administrator of Open Works. For more information, please contact [email protected]. 1 he Wooster Vice Vol. gxkvih issue xxi A STUDENT PUBLICATION SINCE 1883 TUESDAY, APRIL I, 2008

"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.' Robin Williams

Cornwell first, presid nfc to J on frat more than a ' the president's home after being great things they have done for this and after reviewing the proposaf, the few goals in invited by Cornwell for a meet-and-gre- et. campus and surrounding community Committee on Social Organizations mind, one of is incredible." (CSO) accepted Kappa Chi's charter which was to "I was particularly interested to The Greeks are so incredible, in Wednesday. "Just in time for Lip integrate him- meet this fabulou s1 group of students fact, that Cornwell decided he want- Sync," Cornwell added proudly. ... I v , self into stu- early in my term," Cornwell ed to be one. "There is really no rea- According to Joe Kirk, Director of dent life. But explained. "I have heard nothing but son I couldn't join a Greek group," Safety at the College as well as no one, not the best from our faculty and staff, said Cornwell. adviser to the Greeks, the reinstate- even the presi- and I was impressed by the high Indeed, there is no College bylaw ment of the Krappers "is a great dent himself, standards of Wooster's Greek com- that forbids a member of staff or fac- stride for the clubs and sections. suspected munity." that t ulty from participating in the fall They will be a wonderful asset to our his aspirations Cornwell added that he was espe- rush process and joining a club or community." would exceed cially intrigued by the clubs and sec- section. As their community service proj- everyone's tions after hearing about the highly Last fall, after unsuccessfully rush- ect, the Krappers have adopted expectations. successful faculty reception that the ing Xi Chi Psi and Phi Omega Sigma, Christmas Run Park, where they will Since Inter-Gre- ek Council (I.G.C.) held two of the College's chartered sec- help repair both park benches and September, the last spring. tions, Cornwell did not despair. buildings. president hasP The faculty reception, explained "Obviously, I really wanted to be a Next year, rather than occupying a

made' co-presid- ent it his Mike Doerr '08, former bro," he Q said. "But then I realized section in Bissman, the Krappers will duty to get to of I.G.C, was to share with the fac- that myriad groups have died out, reside in what is currently the presi- I know the stu- ulty that, even though the clubs and per se, and I could bring one back." dent's home, which will be converted dents. Through sections "are Social groups who have After doing an extensive online to a Greek' house, complete with a a series of din-- a lot of fun," the Greeks are primari- search and visiting Special .big screen plasma television and a President Grant Cornwell has joined the Kappa ners held at his ly service organizations, with each Collections at the College's library, ping-pon- g table. According to Chi brothers to further integrate himself into stu- - home on can. .member volunteering at least eight Cornwell felt he had found his home Cornwell, the section's official crest

pus- - he ha hours in the dent life at the College (Photo, by Karin Johnson). community. "No matter with Kappa. Chi, also known as "The will also 'be painted on the house's ., made personal the letter," Doerr added, "we're all Krappers." This fraternity was last front door. Justine McCullough connections with nearly every' stu- Greek together." active officially at Wooster in 1999, Please ,visit h Up: en. wikipedia dent The REAL Pick 'Em Champion group. Referring to the reception, and unofficially as late as 2005, .org wikiStudentsociaIorganiza-tionsattheCoHege- of On Sept. 12, the approximately Cornwell said, "The fact that almost according to Cornwell's Wikipedia Wooster Just-ine.- .. "This 200 members of the College's Greek 75 percent of our faculty met with search. for more information on past and Dr. Grant H. Cornwell began his , population, who are grouped the Greeks after school hours to hear Cornwell, along with five male stu- present groups at The College of in position as president this fall with er clubs and sections, assembled at about their service projects and the dents, drafted a proposal last winter, Wooster. . Black squirrels infect Wooster with the bubonic plague

Chandra Asar After the Wellness Center's first case, other Residence halls," said Anderson. swollen glands, and who do not yet live their clothes!" Otherwise, students are Tabloid Editor Anderson said that subsequent patients "It's also pretty close to the Wellness . in Wagner Hall are highly encouraged encouraged to leave campus while they started coming in with greater frequen- Center, so we can have nurses and doc- to start packing their things and burn ' still can.

Health officials have announced that . cy, and that it is now overflowing with tors stationed there." Wooster's black squirrels pose a threat infected students. The next step would be to invite an to the campus, as well as to Wooster cit- 'They're just running out of places extermination team to kill the black izens, since the rodents have recently to put everyone. And the town citizens squirrels. 'They weren't even original- been found to carry a highly infectious started getting it first, so Wooster ly from Wooster. They were intro- - disease: the bubonic plague. Hospital was already having a problem duced from Kent-Stat- e University, or" "We were very surprised when we with finding space for everyone before somewhere," said Holmes. "So that's had our first patient," said Nandy the campus started getting infected," probably why the black ones are taking Anderson, director of the Student Anderson said. over the other squirrel populations, and - Wellness Center. "At first we just However, despite Wooster's sudden why they're breeding so quickly ... at thought it was just a cold, because of infection, no immediate notifications this point, we feel that exterminating 7f his swollen glands, but then more were sent to the student body, since the them is the only thing we can do to pre- swells appeared on his body." first 14 victims were not directly asso- vent the spread of disease." t

. Anderson explained that some of the . ciated with the College, and also since However, several groups have criti- ways the bubonic plague can be spread the first student victims were on the cized this choice. Anna Smith '08 from is through contact with small rodents men's basketball team. Greenpeace, Wooster Chapter, said,

and flea bites, but it can also be passed Kurt Holmes, dean of students "It's completely unethical . . . have they from person to person. The combina- explained, "We thought the students even, like, thought about what killing 4 tion of the students' close quarters in got it from an outside game, and we off the squirrels would do to the dormitories, as well as the black squir- didn't want to cause panic since we' ecosystem? The plague is not a big t ! rels' ubiquitous presence on the cam- weren't sure whether the infection enough problem to warrant the murder pus, has caused the disease to spread would reach campus from the town." of these poor creatures." quickly. Now with the disease's quick prolif- Of course, other students feel differ- "You see them everywhere," she said. eration, recent discussions have been ently. Gregory Hyde '08, who is in such "Outside near walkways, in the attics in underway on how to prevent the spread an advanced state that lymph nodes are some student houses, in the garbage of infection. Administrators have dis- protruding from his body, said, "Dude, bins near Lowry. No matter where you cussed the possibility of quarantining it ain't no time to go all tree-huggi-ng! I 1 l are on campus, you run into them. So it those infected to Wagner Hall, and always knew they were up to some- Terrified students run in the I.S. march as plague-ridde- n squir- was inevitable that once they carried moving the still-healt- hy Wagner resi- thing ... kill them ofT! Kill them ofT rels swarm around them. The bubonic plague is infesting fill all!" the plague here, it would spread around dents to in the rest of the halls. "It's before they kill us . Kuyk-White- ). out-of-the-w- city quickly." relatively ay, away from Students who are experiencing Wooster and campus (Photo by Peterson

Chuck Norris does roundhouse for Huckabee To our readers students will adapt to be least of which is former Arkansas gov- Emily Ryan ers extremely The Vice is published to the new pro- "Well, who do relevant issues facing ernor Mike Huckabee's failure -- to secure Female Hunter S. Thompson you nunciation before the nation today. For the Republican nomination. Norris was annually to celebrate April think whipped that , ' is." . is in Huckabee Fool's All events, "Yes, it v Norris arrives in example, Norris a an omnipresent figure the Day. Such was the response given by two weeks' time to man into shape? I strong supporter of campaign, as revealed by the vast num- quotes and other accounts taken ex-gover- nor famed American martial artist and speak at Lowry Second Amendment ber of pictures of the are completely fictional action star Chuck Norris when he was Center. His stop in decided a few years rights. Without delivering sjieeches while an atten- and fabricated. informed by town officials that the Wooster will be back that Huckabee firearms, he believes, tive Norris stood in the background in a .name "Wooster" is not, in fact, pro- one of the many Americans would manner some anonymous citizens have The Wooster Voice editorial nounced in a way that would cause it to he is taking on his was the right man for never have a fighting ventured to call "creepy." board is responsible for all rhyme with the word "rooster." Town current rally tour chance against him, Norris takes umbrage at Huckabee's content. officials are now seeking to quickly pass of the United the job." though he concedes defeat mainly because he himself a bill that would force city residents and States, which is that they don't invested so much time and energy into Comments regarding students at the College to pronounce designed to give regardless. the former governor's presidential run". this issue can be sent to ' Chuck in has so him a chance Norris also to "My of this man was "Wooster" the way Norris to Norris plans sup)ort great - voicewooster.edu. recently deemed correct. discuss his stances chuck freaking norris address a few griev-

. It is hoped that the townspeople and on what he consid- - ances of his, not the See "Chuck Norris," page 2

i MUMaanffe 1 1 i News 2 67 Watson '11 praises the Viewpoints - 3 upcoming Lindsay Features 5 LohanParis Hilton film Arts 6 "Twice Twilight" for its artistic Sports 7 integrity. Find out more on MEMBER page 4.

Bobby Billings '09 discusses Seniors burn I.S. theses in Larry Stewart will star in The Wooster Fighting Scot a) the merits of Sen. John Friday's bonfire as an effort to Wooster theatre's fall produc- mascot has been arrested o McCain's bid for president in provide an alternate energy' tion of "Anna Nicole Smith: after an altercation with a ASSOCIATED the general election. Read resource. Read the story on The Musical." more pho- Wooster during COLLEGIATE See cheerleader PRESS more on page 3. page 5. tos on page 6. a recent home basketball

2007-0- 8 game. See more on page 8. TUESDAY, TV Vice section editors: APRIL 1 T Jonah Comstock Chandra Asar 2 Assistant editor: News EmilyEMILY RyanRYA ResLife to install puppies in campus dorms

CAMPUS ' called into question of late. This fall,f; ' . - ! ' ' ' - I I .1 when the big screen TVs were intiintro- H n . L-l- '0 f Kauke Arch alert ' jj l down,' numl .- chained a , M . . - duced and number. lU IT , I U I' not ' - r stolen. system set to yellow I vi , LTZ were lost or I J -- I ' This is ridiculous," said Nick LatlLatkas The Kauke Arch Security Alert '09. "If we couldn't even have TVs Level was recently lowered to without breaking them, what makes . Yellow after the campus administra- them think we can take care of living trouble." tion decided that the student popula- creatures? These dogs are in tion no longer posed an immediate Further controversy comes from the ' threat to the Arch. outcome of the decision last semester The warmer weather is believed to to decorate several dorm lounges be the reason behind the change in around campus with decorative fish .alert level, though the red tape sur tanks, again with the responsibility for rounding the administration makes care placed with the students. A month it nearly impossible to uncover such later, .three dorms reported dead fish classified information. and the fish in Bissman Hall had disap- - . The decrease in security concern v. peared entirely. Though no one has is a marked change from earlier this come forward with information, the year when the administration, fueled date of the disapearance did coincide by the paranoia brought on by last with a WHN announcement advertis- year's devastating attack, raised the ing the first annual Xi Chi Psi fish fry. level to Really, Really Red. "TVs have been stolen, fish have'been

. . . well, not so lucky we may have to Former editorflips 1 accept that we're holding students to an S3 awfully high standard," said Anya out over Valentine Reese-Marti- ns '08, a member of the original Wooster Ethic committee. Elizabeth Miller '07, former editor Other students are very excited about in chief of The Wooster Vice, became Prior to installing them in all dorm rooms April 7, the Office of Residence Life has left the new puppies. "I always love it when they bring the incensed when the current Vice staff puppy dogs in the. Holden lounge for the past week as a trial run. Students have enjoyed sent a "Voice Valentine" to another dogs into Lowry," said Lizzy Jeflfers '11.. playing with the puppies, though many have complained that the dorm has developed a . former editor and not to her. "But now I won't even have to leave Kuyk-White- ). Sources close to Miller say that in new and interesting smell (Photo by Peterson Wagner! We're going to take such good addition to cancelling her subscrip- care of our little puppy dog!" tion, she is "seriously considering Jonah Comstock nishing. Starting Monday, April 7, each and the Wooster Ethic" said Director of Kracker says students will just have not donating to the next capital cam- dorm lounge will have a live puppy Residence Life Christie Bing Kracker. tolearnfromhavingapet. . Awesome Editor paign." Vice President for installed that all residents can cuddle, "We want to show that we trust the stu- "I hope students leave Wooster with Development Sara Patton said she is With big screen TVDVD combos, and play with at any time. The puppies, dents of Wooster to take care of these some education beyond just what they not worried about the loss of foosball machines and comfy furniture, who will be adopted from the Wayne adorable animals." learn in a classroom. These cute addi- income. it might seem like the Office of County Humane Society, will require a Residence hall communities will be tions to our campus community Won't Residence Life is doing all it can to" fairly small expense, especially since the expected to feed, walk, and play with just make the dorm lounges warmer make our dorm lounges as comfortable school will pay only for vet checkups the animals, as well as clean up after and friendlier environments, they also NATION ' as our living rooms at home. However, and doggy beds, leaving day-to-d- ay them during walks. stand to teach students how to be is Res Life is challenging that notion by care up to the students. . The decision somewhat controver- responsible for another creature, and Clinton, Obama visit introducing an even more homey fur .'This is about student responsibility sial as student responsibility has been that's what our school is all about." superdelegates directly Students can't hide Security upgrades to Humvees Although Sen. Hillary Clinton has j made some impressive strides in catching up to rival presidential from Chuck Norris hopeful Barack Obama, she continues to trail dangerously in terms of del- against the. American people. Norris, egate count, particularly in terms, of Chuck Norris however, claims residents of Wooster "superdelegates" who can vote essen- need not fear. He harbors no intention continued from p. 1 1 tially however they choose. Obama of doing anything of the kind. Yet, at currently leads Clinton in delegates more than just superficial," he says. least. 1;622 to 1,485. When asked to expand, Norris let out a "I'm a very reasoned man," he said, In response to this continued gap, snort of laughter and, with a reference practicing his infamous roundhouse Sen. Clinton has abandoned tradi- to Huckabee's substantial weight loss, kick in front of a full length mirror in w tional campaigning and instead asks, "Well, who do you think whipped the local martial arts studio where this begun to visit superdelegates' houses that man into shape? I decided a few interview took place. directly. years back that Huckabee was the right There will be other chances, I know.

The American people are obvious- man for the job he's a fine leader, a , Huckabee's a young man, and thanks to

ly having a hard time making1 up fine musician. But there was serious . my hard work he's got many healthy their minds, but at this stage it's the work to do if we were going to make it years ahead of him. Unless, of course, delegates that really matter," said to the White House. He needed condi- he decides not to select me as his run- Katie Snopes, senior analyst for the tioning, so I came to help. Even today, ning mate." Clinton campaign. "Sen. Clinton is he'll tell you it was dieting and exercise As thus, Norris has not given up the just pursuing a strategy that reflects that helped him lose that weight. That fight for the White House. "With my this reality." wasn't it though. It was fear. When good brother Huckabee unable to con-

I I ,. ,- -.,,.,,. , Sen. Obama has said that he will Chuck Norris is your trainer, fear is all tinue his run, I am considering giving 1,1,,.,,. ,,, not stoop to the level of visiting del you know." my indispensable support to Sen. In effort to increase campus safety, the Office of Safety egates at their homes, but at least one Yet Norris's aid was not enough to McCain. Chuck Norris likes to stay on and Security has purchased two High Mobility delegate has reported receiving an land Huckabee a spot on the ballot dur- the winning side. It's the role I've Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicles, or "Humvees." invitation to a barbeque at Obama's ing the general elections in November. . always played." The place. The former governor's loss in the pri- The only problem with such an armed men patrolling around campus in black Humvees Sources say that in addition to vis- maries was recently the cause of great alliance is the widely known fact that are not, as some students have speculated, guerrilla iting the superdelegates, Clinton has security concerns in the White House, whoever Chuck Norris stands next to townies out to get students, but in fact security showing been seen bringing them, freshly where President Bush temporarily con- immediately appears older and feebler. off their" new rides. In the future, security is considering baked chocolate chip cookies. sidered raising the terror alert level due Such a phenomenon could cause purchasing a tank (Graphic by Andy Maloney). to his fear that Norris might attempt to Senator McCain to look vaguely WORLD commit a devastating act of retribution become head Putin to . New Lowry initiatives too Green to function? ofjournalistic group Jonah Comstock announced Monday that Lowry Center lighting fixtures "with natural light by "What if it rains?" said Erik Mumbo will be removed. '09. all Kind of a big deal going even greener. The having the building's roof "Won't we get wet while we're In what is believed to be an changes are being implemented by This is an easy fix because we eating? And what about the winter?" attempt to counter speculation that In response to two or three students' Hospitality Services, working closely already have students dining on the EAG president Melissa Glass '08, he will continue to play a strong role complaints that Lowry's green initia- with the Ecological Action Group. top floor," said Wagers. "Removing the who helped formulate the plan, says in the Russian government after tives were insufficient, Director of The biggest immediate change is roof allows for natural light and saves that these concerns have been consid- stepping down as the president in Hospitality Services Chuck Wagers that Lowry will replace the current power on not only lighting but also ered. "We're looking into providing May of 2008, Vladimir Putin has heating and cooling." large Ix'ach umbrellas for each table in announced his intent to become head In addition, in order to provide 100 Lowry in the event of rain," said Glass. of the International Federation of percent locally grown produce, the golf "And anyway, a little discomfort in the Journalists (IFJ). course land, whose future has been winter is a small price to pay for saving .1,,. His move has raised the question hitherto undetermined, is going to be II 1C Kll III. of whether or not exposure to turned into farmland, a change which With the Lowry project well under- gerous chemicals has caused him to has Vice President of Business and way, the EAG is currently working act 'In an uncharacteristic manner. Finance John Sell particularly excited. with the Campus Center Steering When Putin was informed that the "As well as turning the golf course, Committee, to ensure that the new IFJ already had a perfectly capable which everyone knows is a money pit, campus gym will lx sustainable. They leader, he ambiguously responded into profitable farmland, this change have submitted a plan to replace the

that "it could be taken care of." will also provide many much-need- ed treadmills with giant hamster wheels

low-pay- student jobs, as we'll need ed which could be used to power the Briefs compiled by employees to make the farm profi- Center. Jonah Comstock and Emily Ryan table," said Sell. Quentin Smallgraven '10, one of the The few appliances that will still be students who originally expressed con- required, including refrigerators, cern with Lowry's green policies, is freezers and stoves, will run on solar still not satisfied. and wind power. The panels and tur- "OK, so we got rid of the roof, put in Much like Chuck Norris, the Vice bines will le installed right on top of some turbines and solar panels, planted does not make mistakes; we round- the kitchen area, which will not be some farmland," said Smallgraven. house kick journalistic integrity in the Some students have objected to the various green initiatives at open air like the dining room. "Big deal. There is so much more they face. Please send your praise and ado- Lowry, arguing that the removal of Lowry's roof is uncomfortable Some students have expressed con- could be doing to be sustainable. The

well-intention- ration for our journalistic excellence cern that the new plan, while ed, rolx)t employees they hired two years for students. The environmental impact, however, is unques-tionabl- y voicewooster.edu. We make no In-a- r to may some unforeseen . ago themselves still eat up almost as positive (Photo by Karin promises about answering fan mail. Johnson, courtesy OPI). problems. much power as this is saving." section editors: Vice Tuesday, Ted Irvin T T April 1 Sara Brown viewpomts 3 The Wooster Vice The College of Wooster's Student Newspaper Since 1883 ' Published Weekly on Fridays Katie "233" Foulds Chris "68" Sweeney Editors in Chief EDITORIAL BOARD Justine "203" McCullough, Managing Editor Jonah Comstock, News Editor Molly Lehman, Features Editor Chandra "204" Asar, News Editor Gillian "9" Helwig.A&E Editor Emily Ryan, Assistant News Editor Missie Bender, A&E Editor Ted Irvin, Viewpoints Editor Nicholas "249" Holt, Sports Editor Sara Brown, Viewpoints Editor Andrew Vogel, Sports Editor Kate Vesper, Features Editor Jennifer "20" Jones, Lead Illustrator Karin "290" Johnson, Photo Editor

A14 "321" Raza, Business Manager Taylor "343" Swope, Chief Copy Editor Kaitun Krister, Ad Manager Chalkey Horenstein, Production Assistant Julie Perry, Ad Manager Alex Cacioppo, Production Assistant Lauren "71" DeZellar, Ad Manager Ashley Farrar, Production Assistant Daniel Norris, Web Editor Brian Frederico, Production Assistant r

All materials published herein are property oThe Wooster Voice and cannot be reproduced without written consent of the editors. The Voice can be contacted by

C-318- 7, mail at College of Wooster, Wooster, OH 44691 or by phone at (330) 263-259- 8. E-ma- il can be sent to the editors at voicewooster.edu. Editorial cartoon by Jennifer Jones. Send comments to JJones08wooster.edu. Lowry food isn't even Support our Bush forfour more years: fit for servants to eat change those laws and let him run I don't want to be rude here, but my ground beef came from. there is a serious problem with stu- Perhaps even more disappointing Over the past eight years, we as day. Thanks George! ing at his gorgeous, wrinkly face. Look dent life here at Wooster. And I'm not than the quality of the food that is Americans have all grown to love Second, the show "Lil' Bush" on out, John F. Kennedy, President Bush talking about the lack of under- offered, I must most strongly object tg President George W. Bush. In all hon- Comedy Central is perhaps one of my is in the house. ground tunnels, which force us to the variety of food that is offered. esty, I can't think of anyone in the favorite TV shows ever. If President Let's be honest, being President of walk to class through snow, mud, rain What establishment doesn't offer a world who could possibly not love the Bush leaves office, what are they going the United States is not about all of and all sorts of selection of freshly caught fish? And current President of the United to use as material and inspiration for the good things one has accomplished frightfully com- these "enhanced water" and bubbly States. He is so the show? Due to my love for this bril- while in office (sorry, Abe Lincoln). It mon weather. No, fruit drinks are no substitute for a bot- cute and adorable liant television show, I cannot bear the is about all of the free entertainment I am referring to tle of fine wine. . Plus, I have been with the way he thought of George W. leaving office. one can provide to the American peo- the campus food. waiting two years for them to serve g1 constantly butch- It would be a crime against humanity ple and the world. vT C Lowry food is lobster. ers the entirety of to deny Americans the pleasure of It is hard to imagine that in January mossimolopez quite possibly the I didn't have to go to The College the English lan- watching a show that displays all of we will be inaugurating someone into worst food I have of Wooster. Lots of more impressive guage while he President Bush's best qualities. office who doesn't have the name dollymason ever tasted, and I have tasted a lot of institutions would have accepted me addresses the citi Thirdly, I know I absolutely love a George W. Bush. food. I haven't led some sheltered life. with my family connections. I chose to zens of this nation. Why would we man with an accent. How can anyone Due to all the reasons listed above, I once tasted the food the servants eat come here because I liked the feel of want him to leave the Oval I suggest that we change . at my parents' Italian villa, and Lowry the place and the atmosphere. Had I Office? I personally can't think "Let's be honest, being President of the laws and allow food is worse. I have smelled, though but known about the quality of the so-cal- led of any reasons; however, I can the United States is not about all of President Bush run for never actually tasted, the food given to food perhaps I would not have think of several reasons for yet another term. Four the dogs at my parents' French been so hasty. Add to that the fact that him to stay in office. the good things one has accomplished more years of Bush. chateau, and Lowry food is perhaps I'm forced to pay for a full meal plan First of all, his speeches are while in office What could be better? I comparable. even though I have my parents' spare probably the most entertaining (sorry, Abe Lincoln). It" can't think of anything. addresses to the nation i have is about all of free entertainment," .So instead of cam- - the 1 1 1 1 . 1 . . j. "What establishment doesn't offer a selection . ever heard. It's so. endearing paigning around campus of freshly caught fish? And these 'enhanced when he tries so very hard to say big deny that George's accent doesn't for Clinton, Obama or McCain, I say. words but ends up just fumbling with sound like sweet, sweet music while he we all support Bush. water and bubbly fruit drinks are no substitute them and saying really stupid things. I addresses the nation or is making a In the end, that is the answer to for a bottle of fine wine. Plus, I have been wait- mean, let's be serious, he did make it dumb quote on VHl? everything. onto VHl's "40 Dumbest Celebrity And isn't he so adorable with those ing for two years for them to serve lobster." Quotes" and that is quite, an accom- big, goofy-looki- ng ears? His beauty is Dolly is a southern belle who is an avid plishment. I am aspiring to accom- so appealing that it is nearly impossi- supporter of anything occurring south of For instance, I have tasted tiramisu. chef fly over in the spare jet to serve plish something that fantastic some- - ble not to be stunned by it when star the Mason-Dixo- n line. I've had tiramisu at home, on cruise my friends and me a meal every other ships, and at a number of restaurants, day, and the entire affair quickly and the prepackaged filth that has becomes ridiculous. Keep the White House red '08: recently appeared in Lowry's frozen Lowry needs to make some changes in section does not deserve the title. quickly. The only possible explanation I am thoroughly convinced that for such abysmal quality is that they "Chef" Rick of The Wooster Inn does simply aren't trying hard enough, so I why McCain's the man in Nov. not deserve the title. I decided one don't think it's unreasonable to expect day to test him on the quality of his a huge increase in quality without McCain's sensible foreign policy, attention to the average American and fearlessness make him prime candidate ingredients. increasing funds. I went through the highly unsavory I expect to see these changes enact- As a hardcore right-win- g reac- I read something about McCain the ly promised to pump in more forces on process of obtaining a "taco" one ed by the end of the week. tionary, I'm all about violence and other day. It said he's an unabashed the ground, flood the zone, and give us Thursday, and I found that not only aggression. I don't have time for find- militarist who's willing to go where a touchdown. Make it atomic, Mack! were the vegetables not freshly picked, Mossimo enjoys writing romance novels and ing out "the truth" and explaining it to old Bushy won't. We've got a strong friend in Israel and but also that the Lowry staff couldnl playing elaborate self-writt-en songs on the "power." Yeah, that's what I'm talking about! as an ardent Christian fundamentalist, tell me anything about the cow where banjo when he isn't volunteering at the zoo. I like power. In fact, I love power Power projection, munitions! No more I strongly support Israel. So does and want as much talk about namby-pamb- y negotiations McCain and so does his big backer of it as possible so and useless sanctions. The ragheads John Hagee. I can use it to only respect force, and we got plenty Some say Hagee is an apocalyptic To the editors: crush my enemies of it. And McCain's the man to deliv- evangelical whose support for Israel is

mercilessly. That er it, and he'll even sing about it! Boy, just a cynical cover for a deeply antise-mit-ic Lately I have been very concerned when reading the Vice. I am an avid read- c would be fun! But, I tell you, he's got a great sense of worldview that involves some- er of the news and I feel that you all have been conducting yourselves in ways bobbybillings as with most humor: "...bomb bomb bomb, bomb thing or other about the Lord return- which are not acceptable in the field of journalism. things in life, you bomb Iran." ing and a mass conversion of Jews. For instance, when you are writing a critical review of the plays your fellow gotta do things vicariously. I can't You see, Bush was too soft on using But hey, whatever will defeat the ter- students are performing, why would you put in a negative critique? It doesn't stomp around the world throwing my our armed forces. He was not a very rorists is fine by me. I got a good place

matter if people are getting up and walking out during the play. What matters weight around, so , in heaven waiting for is that they get a good critique no matter how awful the play. I need a strong "In the broader Middle East, the forces of evil me, so what do i Also, I would advise you to keep students' names out of news stories that leader to do it in really care? cover their legal troubles. Even though The New York Times and The my name, on my and extremism are stronger than ever and our We need Israel to Washington Post would put an adult student's name in their article because it dime.and with my homeland is still insecure. McCain can, and will, f'ght the Arabs and follows the ethics and integrity of proper journalism, what's the point of that, values in mind and McCain understands really? It's not like the rest of the student body has a right to know the truth or at heart. turn all that around. He has repeatedly prom-- that. Last, but cer- anything. tainly not least, thTwTe ised t0 'lU m0Ye forCeS 011 the Please take these suggestions into consideration and perhaps just make the sen is PUP gUnd, McCain understands Vice a useless student publication that provides nothing of any use or value to the best and if you flood the zone, and give us a touchdown. Make America. community. don't like it, get . the Wooster n i i t r r i McCain knows that out of the way. it atomic, Mack! We ve got a strong friend in the United States is Barbara Walters That's why i m israej ancj as an ardent Christian fundamental- - a nation full of pulling for my proud, hard-worki- ng Opinionated? Contact Viewpoints! man John McCain, ist, I strongly support Israel." Joes and Janes who Some of my com . . , don't want Shrillary Viewpoints is looking for additional editorialists this year . to patriots will say he's too soft on ille- good communicator. He couldn't artic- Clinton (redefeat communism!) or express their opinions about campus, national or global issues. ulate, gals and whatnot, but what really he stumbled, he groped in vain Barack Hussein Obama and his cryp-to-Musl- im Interested writers should contact the Viewpoints editor at counts is what we're going to do about for reasons or pretexts for using our plan to enslave us all to voiceviewpointswooster.edu. the Persian menace. And I'm such a tanks and fighter jets. He didn't get it: Shariah law. the editors power-worshipp- er that we need to we don't need reasons.' The mission The only alternative is Senator Thejyjceekomesjejte bomb those guys back to the Stone justifies itself. And the man was just McCain. If you think his policies w ith Letters cannot exceed 350 words in length and must arrive to the Age it'd be an improvement for 'em, incompetent. Our noble war in Iraq ' respect to foreign affairs are danger-wa- s Vice by 5 p.m. on the Monday before Friday publication. too! Heh. - --..- ur badly mismanaged. And that was ous or foolish, then you obviously hate All letters must be signed and include contact information. In addi- My boy McCain isn't a "moderate," the' only thing wrong with it. America. In that case, you can just get either. That's for fence-sittin- g, limp-wrist- ed In the broader Middle East, the out here. tion, the Vice reserves the right to edit and hold letters. of liberals, this middle-of-the-ro- ad forces of evil and extremism are Please send letters via e-m- ail to voiceviewpointswooster.edu. talk. We need strength, compe- stronger than ever and our homeland Bobby loves everything to do with the C-31- Letters can also be sent by campus mail to 87, The Wooster Vice, tence and no fear of what the world is still insecure. McCain can, and will, political process, and aspires one day to College of Wooster, Wooster, OH 4469 1. government people tell us to do. turn that all around. I le has repeated- - btivme a Xew Jersey state senator. 4 Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Wooster Vice Meltdown for Manilow: Breaking through cultural waste: singer charged withfraud Hilton and Lohan band together filmmaker, Quentih Tarantino Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan collaborate on touching drama directed by acclaimed Barry Manilow's concert to the blind amongst benefit causes a scandal the eflects, as well as his Today our entertainment industry and Paris Hilton, has a release date of stunning visual visually-impaire- d community music in United and among fans the States widely-anticipat- of the historical fiction genre is facing a divergence of values. Mav 14. and is a ed mastery is expected to prop up the crum-- As most people are now aware, tact that Manilow and other concert Hollywood has long since mirrored date for many independent film lovers, and that our society's cul--. Barry Manilow, the popular singer organizers displayed with their deci- our society's collective loss of artistic Lohan and Hilton co-st- ar as Eva bling pedestal les- tural identity now rests upon. songwriter has recently been charged sion to mislead a crowd of visually-impare- d integrity; everyone has become a vic- linger and Amalia Brunstein, two has accomplished' so many with fraud after organizing and host- fans. This festival was meant tim of this cultural genocide. Actors, bian lovers forced to flee Nazi persecu- Lohan goals within the film indus- ing a rock festival for the blind. The to aid research and promote aware- writers, painters, tion in 1930s Germany. sweeping offi- mostiotably with her work with festival, "Songs for Sight," took place ness for people with disabilities. sculptors, even With Allied bombings and SS try, adaptation of the 1961 classic during the week- Instead, it became yet another exam- 3t the mime falls vic- cers in hot pursuit, "Twice Twilight" the as "The Parent Trap" and the dark and . end of March 14--16 ple of the prolonged mistreatment of tim to our lack of is a harrowing story of the pair cult, classic "Mean Girls." after gaining a disabled persons. interest in true they're forced to flee eastward, only to disturbing that her soon-to-- be significant deal of This occurrence has proved to be a art. Those who discover the hospitality of Soviet The splash 1 collaboration with Hilton vl attention from sad irony, as the tickets bought by capitalize are stu- Russia's labor camps and their broken released billwatson and' Tarantino is bound to make will the media and concert-goe- rs with disabilities, instead dio owners, film dream of freedom and love. waves of praise in support from of providing the means to overcome producers with little or no regard to In' the glitter, and glow of inevitably create thomaslamb cinema. musicians all over their handicap, essentially paid the the damage they are inflicting on Hollywood distractions, films of our the world of questions her versa-- the nation, price for their further exploitation. artistic expression. The film industry generation have failed to live up to the While no one Popular rock bands including Had it been any other concert,

"Audioslave," "The Red Hot Chili Manilow would presumably . never Peppers" and "Angels and Airwaves," have considered such a devious act; among others, showed their support however, a concert catering to blind by appearing at the festival to benefit-th- e patrons provided an opportunity research in the field of vision which he shamelessly took advantage restoration. of them. During the second nigTit of the fes-- Many Barry Manilow fans across

"As most people are now aware, Barry Manilow, the popular singersongwriter has recently been charged with fraud after organiz- ing and hosting a rock festival for the blind. dur- k A The festival, "Songs for Sight," took place w ing the weekend of March 14-- 16 after gaining' a great deal of media attention..."

tival, Manilow was unable to fill two the United States, including myself, timeslots onstage after Three Days have' responded to this incident by S Grace" and "Plain White TV were boycotting iTunes purchases of clas c unable to appear due to travel compli- sic Manilow hits, such as cations. "Copacobana" and "Mandy," as well as to Rather than cancelling the per- posting scathing remarks on Barry Illustration by Jennifer Jones. Send comments JJones08wooster.edu. formances, however, Manilow and Manilow fan Web sites. other concert organizers decided to As a matter of principle and in a has been leading the downward spiral. standards presented by previous eras. tility as an actress, the difficulty of simply play previous recordings of show of support to those victimized There are so few celebrities in No longer are we given the sentimen- her role only adds to the respect that these musicians through the sound by Manilow's deception, I have decid Hollywood who still remain truly ded- tality and cultural clashes that great she has been given throughout the system while sound technicians mim- ed to stop listening to all Manilow icated to the artistry that is all but lost movies like "Pretty in Pink" and film industry. icked their performances onstage. music and beg the blind community in the film industry today. "Weekend at Bernie's" provided for us Her experience in the film industry Reporters from "Rolling Stone reading this article to accept my con Fortunately, there are still a handful by our forbears. is likely to carry Hilton's performance Magazine" covering the event were dolences. . of truly committed actors and actress- Instead, we are shown films that and propel the pair into the sort of ' "Bio-Dom- e" aware of the fraud perpetrated by v If.you're reading this, Barry, shame es continuing to create films for their . degrade our values and insult the underground reverence that Manilow and the others involved and on you. , sheer artistic value,, including under- artistic intentions of cinema, mostly gave Stephen Baldwin and drew further media attention to what ground stars like Matthew recently found in commercial sell-ou- ts Pauly Shore. was later described as "Manilow's Thomas is currently on parolefor indecent McConaughey, Keanu Reeves, Sarah like "There Will Be Blood" and "No This film is bound to create the sort - meltdown." exposure and is working toward Michelle Gellar and Drew Barrymore. Country for Old Men." "Twice of aura that shallow dramas like I am truly appalled by the lack of Bachelor's degree in theology. The artistic integrity of these Twilight," with its exceptional cast of "Schiftdler's List" and "Hotel Rwanda" celebrities and the spirit of under- talented actors (including William were expecting to capture. ground film is expected to be captured Shatner as Hilton's estranged father K-Fe- d in Quentin Tarantino's upcoming film, and Ben Affleck as Lohan's unwitting Bill is one of Ohio's foremast authorities wins heart-wrenchi- ng almost for "Twice musical on seen award Twilight." fiancee), the independent films, having The film, starring Lindsay Lohan score by Randy Newman, Tarantino's ten movies not starring Bruce Willis. Mr. Dad of the Year United States on verge of chang- Britney's former bad boy cleans up his act and does a 180 to win presti

gious award. K-F-ed becomes role model for parents in the United States ing national age-of-conse- nt laws Kevin Federline is a name that has It seems that the newest trend in become synonymous with Britney Hollywood is men who aren't really Does the sound of children laugh- boys from freely enjoying their bodies. Philippines is one of the lowest in the Popozao. ex-M- r. Spears and The celebrities for any real reason and who ing and frolicking through a play- (2) We call for the release of all men world at 12 years old. As you can see, Britney Spears is, what I like to call, a are more or less just raging tools are ground make you feel nostalgic and and boys' imprisoned by such laws." the United States has one of the old- white trash hillbilly who accidentally reproducing at an alarming rate. fuzzy inside? Does a nice warm, However, this does not necessarily est age of consent, on average, at 17 fell into a load of big money, automat This will be the future of America, sunny day at an amusement park with mean we are pedophiles, just looking or 18 years old.

" 1 1 ically making thank We don1 '"'"'"''"J goodness for that. your "little brother" bring you the to have sex with unsuspecting youth. In Ancient Greece it was not

him rel-tio- worthy of need children from normal, function utmost joy? If these NAMBLA's Web site also holds uncommon at all for men to have ns time. has our He ing families anymore; let's just get the are thoughts you've another truth for our cause evident with young males. As you can recently been most screwed up rich kids to take over had, among others, saying, "NAMBLA does not provide there are precedents for this cause. award given an and run the country. than you are no dif- encouragement, referrals or assistance I am calling for a legislative reform for Mr. Dad of c For instance, let's take a look at ferent than me. for people seeking sexual contacts" on these child protective laws in the Year since Kevin and Britney's children, Sean T I I often find myself and that it does not "engage in any America. I hope the Federal govern- perezhilton his ex has gone Preston and Jayden James. Two young parked outside of activities that violate law nickysparx the or ment will recognize this basic right of off the deep end. children who have the world at their playgrounds watch advocate that anyone else should vio- its citizens to engage young males, Before he started Britney, no dating fingertips: money, drugs and booze. ing the youngsters joyously running late the law." and females, in the hopes of igniting a one had ever heard of this white tool be I They should OK though, mean, from swing to swing, pole to pole. I wholeheartedly agree with this. beautiful and righteous relationship. bag. But thank God for Britney's just look at their parents. Britney's This is the kind of . As early as ten amazing taste in men; she introduced I "As going through a psychotic meltdown scene often find you can see, the United States has one years old, many chil- us a new side to completely of society. and Kevin's only the next biggest rap- of dren think for them- Once in the a I the oldest of consent. average, at , limelight, sketchy past per to hit the scene; think the kids rEiTSLZ aSe " selves and make many of Mr. Fed-E- x came to the forefront will be fine. just that watching young 17 or 18 years old. In Ancient Greece it was of their own rational- ' ent in every single tabloid magazine on In a interview, Mr. pre-pubesc- recent Federline boys , . r , ized decisions, so we the market. He was a was be not uncommon at all for have rela-tossi- ng struggling quoted as saying, "I'm going to shooting hoops or men to must we take away dancer that left his with girlfriend the best role model for my kids. And if a baseball an tions with young males. As you their right to individ- whom he had two children in order to can see that example helps other young, single altogether satisfying ual thought and free become Britney's arm candy. be dads who might going through the experience. there are precedents for this cause. I am call-- will. For too long the I can understand what Britney was same experiences that I am now, right for legWative American govern- thinking when she decided he was the be a inS reform on these child it would great compliment." ment has wrongfully one. Who wouldn't be in want to seen Kevin Federline, believe me when I this country that sees protective laws' in America. I hope the been the "light on the public with someone who looks like ' say you are an inspiration to everyone my simple pleasure as "r j i . . hill," imposing her they haven't showered in a few weeks? I Federal will .... who someday wants to be a parent. a sick and twisted government recognize this basic values and beliefs on Totally normal, showering and per- think it's everyone's goal to marry process my dement- - right of its citizens to those who differ in sonal hygiene is overrated who is ignite relationships." anyway. someone filthy rich and then go ideology. I join in the It's obvious that K-F- ed is a very through a sloppy, messy divorce and Thank God for NAMBLA. That's As I've mentioned earlier, my aims are cause with NAMBLA to abolish the upstanding gentleman. Let's take a then keep pretending to be famous and rignt. i ne iNortn American Man boy not to coerce ' young men into eneag-- nonsensical laws of consent. look at some of his more upstanding worthy of time by Love exploiting your Association supports my cause, ing in inappropriate physical relations. The youth of America are the epit- qualities. children in the tabloids. NAMBLA is the interest group I hold No. I merely wish to freely and ome of innocence, beauty and purity. One, he left his girlfriend and two He does sure know how to set an the most support for as it lobbies for legally express my body with other Why must those, like myself, who

children become ent to Britney's arm be age-of-cons- amazing example of how to a per- the lowering of the individuals who embody the physical wish to have relationships with these and set around the world, all fect candy jet parent. Who would have ever from the current 18 to an idealistic qualities to which I am attracted. I do children be labeled as sick, twisted expenses paid. guessed? eight and even younger if possible. believe ent not that the current age-of-cons- pedophiles? I am just a man. I am just Two, he doesn't believe in shower- I would like just to say thank you for The main platform for this organi- laws in the United States like you, just like any of you. I am I ing. Can we say an environmentalist? being Mr. Dad of the Year. zation can be taken from their Web allow me to freely do so. In South NAMBLA. so! think . site, ent "(1) The North American America, the age-of-cons- is as low Three, he's a white Some Perez has his Web rapper. own gossip site about ManBoy Love Association calls for as 14 or 13 in most countries. Asia Nicky works at a fastfood restaurant in

day he even be the Eminem. celebrities, con- ent may next and was kind to age-of-cons- enough the abolition of and all also offers the same principle freedom Wayne County, and spends most of his Look out, America! tribute an editorial in this issue. other laws which prevent men and to citizens as young as J 2; the free time volunteering with children. section editors: ' Molly "Kate" Lehman Tuesday, April 1 Kate "Molly" Vesper Features 5 International students exhibit superior grasp of U.S. politics Flogging Molly Lehman "The next American president will In Charge have a significant impact not only on America, but on the rest of the

he-sai- world," d. "It is crucial that all Jeremy Reynolds '09 has been liv- students, not simply Americans, take ing in the United States his. entire active and informed roles in the elec- life. Born in Bethesda, Md., Reynolds tion process." moved with his family Colonial to Shakil cited foreign policy as the Heights, Va. in 2003, where he has reason he is an Obama supporter, until lived coming to The College of including Obama's willingness to Wooster three years ago. meet with leadership from Iran and .. In spite of his citizenship, howev- North Korea. er, the 20-year-- old history major "Returning to diplomacy immedi- admits that his knowledge of ately is the only way to the nuclear American politics is far outstripped weapons problem," he said. "The U.S. by that of his international peers. . has to rebuild international relation- "It's really pretty sad," Reynolds ships, and Obama is capable of that." said. "I was sitting in Lowry the Reynolds exhibited his lack of other day and I heard this group of knowledge about his nation's politi- internationals talking like, they cal scene regarding other candidates, were -- discussing Hillary Clinton's as well. 2002 voting record involving Iraq, in "Hillary's okay, I guess," he said. the Senate or something. I seriously "But, like, she has cankles I saw it had no idea. I just sort of figured online. It would be weird if she was she's a Democrat, so she's against the meeting some diplomat from war, right?" Argentina or wherever and he looks It's not only in the dining hall that rr... a J down and is freaked out. And McCain Reynolds has experienced the phe- i in Two international students discuss American politics at Lowry while an American student was born Costa Rica or something. , nomenon. watches in silence (Photo by Karin Johnson). I don't think that's even legal." "I'm taking Intro to Comparative Reynolds also could not successful- Politics this semester, because I had and whatever. Last week he couldn't have a black dude in office. Like, com- Wooster Students for Barack Obama. ly name the next U.S. state to partic- to fulfill some Learning across the' stop talking about Obama's speech ing full circle and all that," "Amir's a cool guy," said. Reynolds. ipate in primaries Pennsylvania Disciplines requirement and it didn't on race or .something like that. It's However, he has only a vague idea "He wouldn't steer me wrong. I fig- and has only a vague idea what a cau- start before ten," he said. "I sort pf cool and all', but class ran over of Obama's stances on the issues and ure hevknows what he's talking cus is. . regret it, because it's a lot of read- because of it." admits that his decision stems large- about." " "Yeah, I know it's pretty; important

this, like, , kid ing. But there's Nepali Reynolds has personally endorsed ly from his . Indian roommate's Amir Shakil '10, Reynolds's room- and all," he said, clicking away from in my class who just goes on and on Sen. Barack Obama (D-Il-l.) in the involvement in the recently formed mate, spoke about his involvement CNN.com to log in' to Facebook. "I about international political climates past because, "it would be sweet to student group The College of with the group. should really pay attention to this shit." The College of Wooster announces plansfor alternative energy source Clara Sill - Armand Hammer

been thwarted by the capitalist pigs in ing, a bountiful resource that seems to Boyle Jack the administration. They don't care increase yearly. In fact, we have so Vice Staff about going green; they just care much of this stuff right under our about making it." noses that we don't know what to do Fueled by suggestions from campus All this could be about to change, with it. We might even sell surplus organizations such as Green House, however. This week, in a special energy to the city once we switch to the College has begun the prelim- impromptu address to the administra- the burning of student Independent Clara Sill and Armand Hammer wound up making out on inary steps toward a decreased tive staff, President Cornwell Study manuscripts." the floor of the Underground Friday night, after 12 beers sources, of announced reliance, on traditional the College's plans to The College's plans to burn senior and a half bottle of Lady Bligh. Sill, an economics major, oft' . . energy. , wean itself coal. theses as an alternative energy studio-a- rt and Hammer, a major, have no plans to see . '"I thought this ' source Ever. day would never may not each other again. come," said Green have been House member what - Andrew Gross '08. Green Eugene Schmitz Rolling Roxie "The College has House and often dismissed other stu--d ; our pleas to switcli v e n t to other alterna- .'.: activists tive energies." v. . .. were hop- In the past, even v ing for. when construct- Many ing the new Gault I parents, Manor, the Col- informed Eugene Schmitz, a mathematics major, recently lege has ignored of the announced his plans to hit on that hot girl drinking Rolling news by student sugges- Rock in the comer. He hopes to make his move by next tions to incorpo- their chil- week, planning on first splitting a keg of PBR with his more dren, have rate energy I,- . efficient construc- already roommate to bolster his courage. tion methods, such sent angry as the use of recy- letters to cled carpeting and the admi- Missie Bender - Some Guy compact fluores- nistration. cent lighting. The presi- "The College dent plans always opts for Student assists the environmental cause (Vice archive photo.) to burn let-wi- short-ter- m finan these th

cial savings while ignoring the impli- "For too long has this college relied ters as , fuel alone the cations such choices could have for the on coal as a fuel source. For too long Independent Studies. , - ' v future of our community, both here in have we depended on a depleting an A student protest is in the works . i Wooster, and on the planet Earth." unrenewable form of energy," said the for next weekend. Some loser spilled rum all down the front ofZeta Missie "You've to the some Amber Phillips '08, Green House president in Thursday's address. "It got give college Bender, ruining her purple top on Saturday night. Bender said member and Vegan-Coo- p coordinator, is time for a change. We must credit for trying," sympathetic plans to glare at him viciously when she sees him in continued, saying, "All our attempts at decrease our dependence on coal, and philosophy major Jon Martin "08. which is lack "They have to somewhere." Lowry for the rest of the month. making Wooster sustainable , have switch to a supply never start Student embraces opportunity to get credit by sleeping i n 1 Kate "Scooter" Vespa expected of me," Tripp said. 'The moments I spent being transported Runs the Show experience I had abroad truly repre- through the city in an ambulance sented what all forms of education showed me enough of a true taste of Three months after spending a fall should be like, and I have successfully Bolivian culture, while months resting semester abroad in Trinidad, Bolivia exercised the same revolutionary in a quiet environment allowed me to Anita Tripp '10 has returned to method of learning since my return to undergo the kind of reflective me-ti- me Wooster feeling unlike returnee Wooster." that really facilitates my way of travelers from most programs a bit Tripp explained that her illness learning as a philosophy major." ' nostalgic and melancholy. This allowed her a refreshing vacation from In light of Tripp's exceptionally unusual reaction becomes understand- traditional methods of instruction successful abroad episode, The i': ... able given the reason for her reminis- while allowing her to catch up on College of Wooster is instigating a

cence. some much-need- ed rest. new "Semester at Spa" program in While students undergo a "I feel so grateful to have wandered which students will register at an ; many f j drab experience of intellectual off from the orientation hike into international Club Med of their oppression and increasingly stiff les- those mosquito-infeste- d swamps," choice for fall or spring term. sons while carrying out their abroad Tripp said reminiscently. Those involved in this innovative studies, Tripp was lucky enough to Tripp went on to say that she looks program will receive four course cred- spend the entire semester not labori- back on the credits received for her its for their involvement in such cours- ously studying, but infected with time in Bolivia in the instructionless es as "Tanning 101" and "Introduction malaria at a local American-ru- n med- modified hospital-friendl- y program to the Nap." ical facility. with more pride and satisfaction than Forms are now available at the "It was so wonderful to finally have those of any other semester. International Programs Ollice for stu- the opportunity to be a part of an aca- "If only more people could have an dents interested in applying for enroll- demic in abroad term as useful and rewarding ment in "Semester at Spa" as early as courtesy Picasaweb). program which reading, Tripp waves from her hospital bed (Photo writing, and attending class were not as mine was," Tripp mused. "The next year. Tuesday, SECTION EDITORS: April 1 GILLIAN HELWIG 6 Bender Arts & Etfetairirnent Missie "Anna Nicole" starring Larry Stewart coming to Woo New musical to bring newflavor; spice to College community

Shirley Huston-Findle- y, Missie "Cabaret" Bender Theatre Another exciting feature of this Many theaters believe that Smith Students are more than encour- who will direct the musical. musical is that Huston-Findl- ey will is still a touchy Subject, audition for this musical and Arts & Entertainment Editor and that aged to Huston-Findle- y is thrilled to be bring in real babies to play the role of audiences would be outraged with they can do so by signing up in the The department of theatre and directing Stewart, Shaya and Schiltz Dannielynn, Anna Nicole Smith's. the profanity and pornography either the men's or women's bath- dance recently made the daring deci- and she is just included in the room in Morgan Hall. sion to begin producing a musical as excited to musical. Students are to prepare two songs each fall school year. (In the past, the cast the rest of The College, to sing: one sad yet inspirational musical. department has put on a musical the 1.., however, is dar- "Somewhere Over the , ' . (think, i Hi every other fall.) Students Ml . t I ing to put on the Rainbow") and one from a current The decision was made because of will not have production in television show (the introduction multiple requests from faculty mem- the opportuni- spite of such song to Showtime's show "Weeds" bers, who have been writing e-m-ail ty to audition fear; many peo- would be a smart choice). after e-m- ail to the department until early ple feel it will Students are also required to bring regarding their desire to be involved September. make th& theatre their unofficial college transcript in the theater. "Anna Nicole and dantje pro- and a drawing of Anna Nicole ' l Mildred Foss Thompson Professor Smith: The n ii1 ill gram more di- Smith. II 111! - ill i- of English Language and Literature Musical" will verse. As far as the plpt goes, the theatre and Professor of Education Larry cast 22 mem- : hp. " Stewart has and dance department have kept it a Stewart expressed great enthusiasm bers of the been promised secret. com- in performing on the Freedlander College at least two tap Only Huston-Findle- y and Stewart stage. munity and dance solos in have seen the script and score. will include 14 , "I have this dream of standing on his role as Lar- It is up to our imagination to that stage in a spotlight, singing musical ry King. determine what exactly this new musical tunes and dancing in my tap numbers. One theatre musical will be about. said. -- Songs Yrom shoes," Stewart . major was dev- There are many things to look for- Stewart has been a tap dancer for this musical M astated to hear ward to in terms of "Anna Nicole over 30 years. "I tap dance a lot in will include: that the role of 'Smith: The Musical," my free time, it's really stress reliev- "The Next Larry King was For one thing, Stewart, Shaya, Mon- ing," said Stewart, adding that he Marilyn already cast and Schiltz and Huston-Findle- y will rep- usually performs his regular dance roe,""! Re- expressed his resent the faculty with their aston- routine for other English faculty placed Claudia concern to ishing performances and directing members on Friday afternoons. Schiffer," "My. Stewart. skills. When the department of theatre Marriage to "I felt horrible,, The music is guaranteed to be bet- and dance contacted Stewart about Marshall," "I when this stu- ter than anything we've ever heard. next year's musical, he was more want a Di- dent told me "I think this music is better than ' Prolific tap dancer Larry Stewart as Larry King in "Anna Nicole.' than thrilled. vorce, Billy!" that I was tak- - Sondheim, but you'll have to decide Next fall, the College will present "Playboy," ing away one of for yourself!" Stewart said. ' . "Anna Nicole Smith: The Musical" "Who Gets Dannielynn?" "Playboy daughter. his dream roles. , The performance will run for two and the production, has already cast Reprise," "TrimSpa Baby" and the "My colleagues thought babies "I am hoping that he will be cast as weeks in November. three faculty members. finale, "Are You In The Will?" would add a distinct level of realism my understudy. He seems to be a Auditions are open to all students Joining Stewart' will be Assistant Stewart seems impressed with the to the musical, and I couldn't agree brilliant actor and I would love to and will take place in Freedlander Professor of History Greg Shaya score. more," said Huston-Findle- y. work with him!" said Stewart when Theatre. He a and Assistant Professor of got sneak peak of it during Theaters around the world have asked about the confrontation with f More information regarding "Anna Philosophy Elizabeth Schiltz. spring break. postponed the production of "Anna the theatre student. Nicole Smith: The Musical" will be "The three make up a great dance "Shirley let me look'over the script Nicole Smith: The Musical" for vari- The musical will last four hours available to students next fall via the

team!" said Associate Professor of and score, it truly is a masterpiece!" ous reasons. with a 20-min- ute intermission. Wooster Web site. Someone kind offamous performing at COW Spring Fest 2008

Gillian "Gill! Gill! Gill!" Helwig with Eliot (Francis voicing their ; excitement about Arts & Entertainment Editor Spitzer!" Dupre's trip to Wooster. Indeed, in laterretracted his . "I used to think Tila Tequila was -- '.i'J'lf i's disappointing but understood early March, offer , when the bigges star, to break out of reality for Wooster students that New York The he discov- MySpace, but this girl is giving her a small colleges like our own rarely Times tracked ered he al- run for her money," said Christy draw performances from big-na- me down Dupre ready had Brown '09. "I can't Del ieve she's com- stars. as the call girl footage of ing to our school!" Although the Wooster Activities whose 22-year-- tryst the old "She's pretty hot, at least when it's Crew (WAC) does schedule comedi- with former Inter- from afar and she has. her sunglasses ans and musical artists to perform, Governor of net sensa- on," said Tyler Jones '10. there is never enough money to New York tion from "I don't know if I'll go to the show, secure the most popular ' acts. Eliot Spitzer : : . 1 f .. her 18th but I'll definitely hang out with her at However, in an exciting twist of cost him his ' birthday the UG later." . fate, one of the artists scheduled for political office celebration "It's pretty excitingi" admitted this year's Fest has Spring recently and his repu- a few years Iaquinta. been catapulted into the national tation. ,,jtJ.aS0) ' "We've gotten a lot of Criticism in spotlight. . And while u u p r e the past for the unknown ))ands that "We were looking for an opening the scandal isn't the we get to perform. . act to perform before Firey Furnaces brought noth- only one "We thought Da Shop Boyz's per- and The Cool Kids. When none of ing but criti- - with the op- . formance at Party on the Green the College's own student acts, many cism and shame portunity to would go over well, but you can only of whom perform at Common for Spitzer, 1 capitalize on hear so many remixes of 'Party Like Grounds and Mom's, were available, Dupre became - V"" Y i I1CI IClCIll a Rockstar' in a row. we tiirned to MySpace," said Helena an undeniable brush with "Ashley Dupre may not have as Iaquinta '06, program coordinator shining star. ' I 'J fame; The catchy of a single as Da Shop' Boyz, for Lowry and student activities. Pictures of ja College of but at least she's famous enough that "We 1 , ended up picking emerging her were all Lr. -- Woo s t e r people can get excited about her artist Ashley Alexandra Dupre; none A over Drint i Jiff now stands coming. of us had ever really heard of her, media and u- - One of noted whore Ashley Alexandra Dupre's sassy MySpace pictures to make a "At the very least, people can prob- but she agreed to perform for a great biquitous on . : name for ably get some ironic Facebook pic- price. Internet blogs. on her MySpace page. itself as the young singer's first venue tures out of this," she added. "We were shocked a few months Her single, "What We Want," Dupre has also fielded million dollar since the scandal erupted several Spring Fest will take place on April . later when we recognized her on the became an ironic club hit in New York offers from and Hustler Girls Gone weeks ago. 18, 2008. For more information, visit CNN she was the hooker involved City and has had over million 4.7 plays Wild creator Joe Francis. And Wooster students have been www.wooster.edu wac. Fearless Fashion: Louis Vuitton, Lebowski Announcing: 2003-200- 9 JUDICIAL If you ever needed to see if some- would be publicly recognizing the Considering the film's subject mat- the decriminalization of marijuana one is BOARD currently in college, there is event by changing their spring fash- ter, as well as the constant barrage of (pot), stating, "If Lebowski does it one sure-fir- e tell that way to has ion line to now include some pieces obscenities flowing out of the char- then there's no way it can be all Selection Process never tailed me. reminiscent of outfits worn by char- acters mouths, it might be some sort that bad." Not once. acters in the movie. of surprise than to hear that the I be , personally will taking it upon Applications are available at Take the In per- Milan last week, models for Catholic Church has also decided to myself to show my own form of www.wooster.educampuscouncil, son bowling and Donatella mid-summ- Versace were walking join in on the er unwaning respect for this true classic Lowry Center Information Desk, if their toe goes down the catwalk sporting the finest festivities. of the silver screen. and the Dean of Students Office even close to in terry " From now on when I coming over the cloth go out it will be with a Interested? Come and gingerhughes stop line, whip bathrobes. "Nobody Jesus!" in hand, fcks with the White Russian find out more! During I will keep a very close order the person Big scoring to mark it a phone "The Lebowski" eye on my cadence a zero. interview ' tapes, and never again If the person is in fact a college yesterday i will I roll on shabbos. OPEN HOUSE student they will find this very funny with notorious fashion designer Louis Last Tuesday, at a news conference So please join me in a tribute to April and re-bo- wl Wednesday, 2, from just the frame knowing Vuitton, I was informed that over the in the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI "The Big Lebowski." full well that mimick- 7:00 p.m. to 8:00 you are simply coming months his company will be announced that July 23 is now offi- Join me in what will surely result in p.m. a from the cult-class- ic Lebowski-relate- ing scene 1998 releasing a collection of d cially a religious holiday, and that the cure for AIDS, cancer, the end to Lowry Center, Room 118 film, "The Big Lebowski." accessories that any true fan of Jeffery Lebowski has been nominated the war in Iraq, congenital blindness, the ten-ye- ar With anniversary of the film can not do without. for sainthood. the growing number of homeless peo- tins film culturally defining rapidly Some of these items include: a pair The Pope also went on to state ple living in America and, of course, Questions? Contact approaching in late July, die-ha- rd of solid gold, diamond studded roach that "amen" is being replaced at the crappy food at Lowry. Sheldon Masters, Judicial fans from all walks of life are stand- clips, platinum bowling bowls and end of, all prayers; the sacred rheto- Board Chair ing up and taking notice of this gold chain, necklaces with a replica ric will now conclude with "Nobody Ginger Hughes is the Fashion occasion. smasters09wooster.edu momentous pinky toe pendant that is, complete fcks with the Jesus!" Columnist for The Vice. He will be The fashion world was the first nail with red polish made out of Even the U.S. government has offering more of his fashion advice to major industry to announce that they rubies. decided to follow suit by announcing students in the Lowry lobby this week. Section Editors: TUESDAY Nicholas Holt APRIL 1 Andrew Vogel Sports 7 Squirrel hunting sweeps campus fills UffiHP

; Nick Holt 1 What no other sports Taxidermy Enthusiast

A new fad has swept the College of . writer will say on record Wooster sporting community, squirrel hunting. As a sportswriter I am often horri- let those in Hollywood get away with The sport began to take hold on fied at how rarely sports writers take that and we shouldn't give athletes campus this winter as students looked a stand and speak out about tough the benefit of a doubt either.

I.S.-relat- for sporting outlets to ed their issues. Over the course of the past However, the crackdown on per- frustrations. ."We were looking for year we have seen a formance enhancers should not be( something to do and all we could see gold medal winner limited to steroids. For years the were squirrels, so we figured, 'Why r admit to steroid NFL has been testing and suspend- not?," said avid squirrel slaughterer I use, an asterisk- - ing players for testing positive for Dave McNew '08. '" ridden home run marijuana. However, early tests are The sport is a actually team compe- recoru, a in-rei-er- ee not released publicly and the suspen- tition, with participants gathering betting scan- sions are minimal. This should before hand and nickholt then agreeing to a dal and a near-p- er change immediately. The NFL needs later return time. The individual obvi- or fect team get caught cheating. Yet, to make- - a statement about the - . team to record the most kills in the there has been a glaring lack of cov- ously deadly drug that I have heard allotted is ' period declared the winner. erage. I mean the Patriots, w ho were sketchy individuals refer to as . Winners are given a bumper sticker caught in what I will freshly coin, "weed." Not only are athletes who are anti-squirr- depicting an el logo. Gabe "Spygate," went to the Super Bowl using such drugs getting incredible ' Topping 10 owns the Wooster indi- and you probably never heard of it. benefits (did you see how full Ricky vidual record for kills in a two-ho- ur So as I round out my years here at Williams beard got, cough cough, with period an impressive total of Above: The logo of the local Squirrell Hunting Society, Wooster it is time for me to stand up holy testosterone) but they are con- seven. The record is contested by some those filthy disease carriers (Photo by Nick Holt). and comment on the hard issues. suming a drug that the vast majority however, who claim that Topping col- - To begin with, Spygate has to be the of American's would never consider kill. lected road 0 Advocates of the sjwrt claim that it's the squirrel hunting fad, is here to stay. single largest event of our lifetime. I putting into their bodies. Perhaps the most interesting part of safe and performs a valuable service to Since there are no firearms "involved it niean, they were videotaping the I'm sorry for having to bring up me spon is uie cnoiceoi weapons, lne the community by ridding it of "pesky is hard to take away the hunter's other team, trying to steal signals and these issues now, at the most pure only acceptable kills are those done by rodents." Yet others find the sport to instruments of death. Also it is diff- signs. The lack of coverage on this ' sporting time of the year, March car. Squirrel hunting enthusiast Odin be inhumane. Squirrel supporter Randi icult to prove whether drivers are matter is atrocious. I blame it on the Madness. I mean these kids are going Tangvald '10 claimed that this was the Keefe '09 claimed that the sport swerving to hit or avoid the rodents. media's bias in area coverage. I mean, out and playing for nothing more best part of the sport. "Any idiot can encourages poor driving and Perhaps most, importantly, the the media never covers anything that than the 60 percent chance that snoot a gun sports supporters are accurately, but Any idiot can snoot a gun accurately, but it almost as rabid as. their The NFL needs to make a statement about the

it takes real foamy-mouth- ed rea taJent to nQ tire With a targets. obviously deadly drug that I have heard sketchy line taes Upy0ur talent to . "Once you get a taste for up your tire squirrel's head in that split second." squirrel blood there's no individuals refer to as "weed." Not only are ath- right with a going back," said UUIN lANtiVALD lw letes who are using such drugs getting incredi- snuirrel's head . tb;.Topping. - EXPERT SQUIRREL ASSASSIN in that split For more information ble benefits they are consuming a drug that second." . on squirrel hunting The sports' growing popularity has exclaimed, "Squirrels are cute!" tact Sweeney" '08 at the vast majority of American's would never inspired a great deal of debate. Despite the protests it seems that csweeney08wooster.fdu. consider putting into their bodies.

happens with New York or Boston they'll graduate from a college that Football team severs ties with band sports teams; Can you imagine if the is willing to pamper them. These ultra-slea- zy 1 1 Browns and Bills were playing and guys arc the heroes, unlike the ""I IIIIIIIIM.il Jill 111. Ill, IIIJI pageantry of walking down the hill one team got caught cheating. It NBA. Why does nobody ever with th'ose foghorns took away from would be all over the media. talk about those positives? our ultimate goal, which was to win Spygate is a huge deal. I can't even Athletics are a key part of life in 0 the game," said one of the assistant think of an equivalent of this in America. I can't even imagine life coaches, who requested anonymity other sports. 1 mean in baseball, third without ESPN. In these days with

because of .. thesensitivity- - of . this base coaches just mouth orders, to boring politics that have no implica- subject. base runners because they can trust tions to young people, it is more "Also, the fact that every one of that the other team won't look. Can important to know exactly what those pipers wore a skimpy kilt down you imagine what would happen if Mike Vick did to dogs than it to the hill surely didn't help our players coaches had to start disguising their know the differences in Obama and concentrate either," he added. "It is signals? It could regress to 40-pl- tis Clinton's voting records. A golf simply time for our program to move year old men making ridiculous magazine joking about how golfers in a new direction. That direction motions and introducing baseball to should "lynch" Tiger Woods is far does not include bagpipes." crotch grabbing. Can you imagine more important than the issue of While some believe that the Scot watching this happen for nine race in this campaign. pipers took away from the players' innings and still trying to take the In short, sports journalists should feel-go- concentration, others speculate that sport seriously? I sure can't. stop looking for od stories or i the team's close connection with a Speaking of unfair advantages and covering the actual events and start j bunch of band nerds simply was not Xhe national pastime, the world of fishing for controversy. If I hear one good for the team's image. baseball lias been under a cloud of more story on Marvin Harrison I "Honestly, being connected with a steroid allegations and I'm horrified. will be sick. I want to hear what bunch of bagpipers doesn't do much I mean these guys are supposed to be Chad Johnson and TO. are up to. to improve our street cred within the playing for the love of the game. If Journalists should question every- - - ...... NCAC. I think it actually made us anything the millions of dollars that thing but the three absolute sports The Pipers will never be seen making their traditional proces- appear soft compared to a team like they make based on their perform- truths: Sports matter more than any- said senior ance, and society's continued obses- thing, race never plays a role in any sion down the hill again (Photo courtesy OPI). Wittenberg," one player, who also requested anonymity, who sion with every minute aspect of pro-perso- nel decisions and Brett

d-li- ne. to rein- is a doubt the single Andrew Vogel ball team and the pipe band will was a fixture on the Scot their lives, should only serve Farve beyond sever ties. While the partnership "Just because the instrument is force the point. How dare they do greatest quarterbackfootball play- He's So Much Cooler Online between the pipes and the football part of your school's tradition does- everything they possibly can to per- erhuman beinglifeform ever to The bagpipes are an integral part team is one of the unique traditions n't mean it's a good idea to have the form in one of the most ridiculously exist. If you question any of these of the College's tradition. Many fac- at Wooster, the athletic department team march next to it to open the competitive and well paid professions you are a bitter idiot. ulty, alumni and students would even simply believed it was time for a game. You don't see Phil Fulmer and on the planet. Other players would be say that they typify the spirit of the change. the Tennessee Volunteers march into forced to take them to keep up. It Nick "The Model of Integrity' Holt is "We would be like some women in the a sports editor the Vice. He is also campus. Next year, however, the bag- . truly admire the support the Neyland Stadium along 15 banjo if for pipes will not be marching down the band has given us through the years. players dressed in overalls playing Hollywood elite started artificially an activist for the war on drugs. He hill with the football team before However, there's no denying that 'Rocky Top,'" he said. enhance their bodies so that regular believes that the war on drugs is noth- every hqme game. ' those pipes are simply quite loud, and The band director Nancy Ditmer is women would be continually trying ing like ourfailed prohibition. He hates The administration and athletic sometimes, they tan even overshad- currently on sabbatical and was not to make themselves into some that you never call orvrite anymore, so ow us. I think sometimes the available for comment. unachievable ideal. We would never you get no contact information. NCAC Spring Standings gsheuiiirv grams Grams Baseball Men's Lacrosse NCAC East 1.) Wooster (0-- 0) (2-0-- 0) f ' (3-1-- 0) 1. ) Wooster (2-- 0) (14-1- ) 2.) Kenyon (0-0- ) 1

' (3-2-- 0) 2. ) Kenyon (3-- 1) (11-5- ) 3.) Denison (0-0- ) Synchronized Swimming have proposed that sports like baseball, basketball,

(1-1-- 3.) Hiram (1-- 3) (3-5- ) ' 4.) Wittenberg ((H)) 0) football and volleyball are cut from college budgets 4. ) Allegheny (2-- 6) 5.)OhioWesleyan(0-0)(l-4- ) like dis- (0-0- 4) (0-0- (0-- 0 the Survivalists laud 5. ) Oberlin ) (0-- , 6.) Oberlin ) 0) The Miami of Ohio Community was struck by around country. sports tragedy last weekend as their entire women's synchro- tance running, sprinting, some jumping events, swim- NCAC West accident at ming and crew. (9-4- the (2-0- a 1 drowned in . ) Denison ) ) Women's Lacrosse nized swim team bizarre

1 (0-0- (2-0-- 0) (3-1- ) (10-7- ) .) Kenyon ) MAC-Championshi- 2. ) Wabash ps. The nationally-ranke- d Red 3. )OhioWesleyan(l-3)(9-6- ) ' 2.) Wittenberg (0-- 0) (2-2-- 0) mid-wa- y routine when Dance Dance Revolution (0-0- ) (1-3-- 0) Hawks were through their 4. ) Wittenberg (0-2- ) (5-3- ) - 3.) Denison

(0-2-- 0) 9.) Earlham (0-0- ) (8-8- ) 4.) Oberlin (0-0- ) investigators believe Miami's captain, Ima Swimmer, 5. ) Ohio Wesleyan (0-0- ) (0-2-- 0) suffered a cramp and began to struggle. The rest of Wooster's new Dance Dance Revolution team kicked 6 ) Allegheny (0-0- ) (0-2-- 0) Softball 7.) Wooster (0-- 0) (0-0-- 0) the team appeared to follow Swimmer's lead even after off their season with a huge victory over the Earlham 1. ) Denison (0-0- ) (7-1- ) she became motionless. Onlookers appeared to think it Quakers. Despite the inherent dance ability of the ) Wooster (0-- 0) (9-- 5) 2. in applause Quaker mascot, the Scots were able to pull out the win. 3. ) Wittenberg (0-0- ) (6-6- ) Men's Tennis was a revolutionary performance, erupting

(5-3- (5-6- (2-0- ) ) 4. ) Allegheny (0-0- ) ) I ) Oberlin when the team simultaneously stopped moving; before Nico Francesgeli '10 was Wooster's top performer,

1 (2-0- 1 3-- 0) (0-0- (4-6- ) .) Kenyon ) ( 5 ) Ohio Wesleyan ) had witnessed. busting out a wicked combo of 97. -- (9-2- they realized the tragedy they 4-- 6) ) 6. ) Kenyon (0-0- ) 3.) Allegheny (1 0)

(1-- 0) (4-2- ) 7. ) Hiram (0-0- ) (4-6- ) 3.) Denison At a memorial on Monday, the Miami coach deliv- The win was the first ever for the new program, (2-2- ) (6-9- ) (0-0- (0-4- ) 5.) Wabash 8. ) Oberlin ) co-e-d. mem- ered a tear-fill- ed speech in which she called her team, which is The team originally had over 50 6. ) Wooster (1-- 1) (4-- 5)

7. ) Wittenberg (1-- 3) (2-- 4) "the most dedicated group of girls I have ever known." bers, however, the team's numbers have drastically Women's Tennis 8 ) Earlham (0-0- ) (0-3- ) declined since Guitar Hero III and Rock Band came out . (0-4- (4-8- f 1 (2-0- ) (4-- 4) 9.) Ohio Wesleyan ) ) . ) Oberlin ' this winter. . 2. ) Kenyon (2-0- ) (6-- 3) Div III Athletics 2.) Allegheny (1-0- ) (8-5- ) The team will continue its season by traveling to

4. ) Wittenberg (1-- 3) (5-- 4) IMPORTANT NOTE: While the rest of this A new movement has begun in the debate as to what Hidelberg College to face the Student Princes on April 5. ) Earlham (0-0- ) (3-0- ) sports section is comprised of entirely fake news,

(0-0- (5-3- face 6. ) Denison ) ) these are actually mil standings. The standings are role sports should play in Div. Ill Athletics. The new 24 at 7:30 p.m. before returning home to the (0-0- ) (0-5- ) current as of March 26, were retrieved from 7. ) Wooster and movement called survivalism, proposes that sports arc Kenyon College Lords and Ladies on April 51. 8. ) Ohio Wesleyan (0-2- ) (2-6- ) nonhcoast.org. only useful to students when the learned skills could be useful in everyday life. Because of this survivalists Briefs compiled by Nicholas H'tlliams Holt 8 Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Wooster Vice Mascot arrested after encounter with cheerleaders danc- would I do this job? I can be bringing the future of the mascot in While no charges were filed, the trouble again. This time, it's for - Why else Andrew Vogel and obnoxious with- - serious doubt. mascot was given a stern warning by mg Typically, this would come as no loud, ridiculous Shirtless Wonder . the week, This is the second infraction by the the school and athletic administration. surprise for school mascots, who are out a costume on any day of provocatively The Wooster Fighting Scot is in mascot in less than two weeks. On. Aaron Stone '08, the student inside the known for ridiculous dances during An opportunity to dance trouble yet again. This time, the mas- Feb. 16, the mascot was apprehended did and harass-me- recT'deny I do job? I can be loud, ridiculous cot has been accused of sexual nt by Wooster Security after Security S "Why else would this of the school's cheerleaders dur- found that the mascot was drinking allegations, howev- - ODnoxious a costume on any day of the week. The inside the costume. without ing a recent home basketball game, during the game vi, u.u iic aiiviiuwi- - ...... , i edge them opportunity to dance provocatively with the cheerleaders either. In fact, presents itself far less frequently." Stone has AARON STONE '08 lodeled STUDENT MASCOT h e ighting Scot mascot after the games. However, in the conference with the cheerleaders presents itself semi-fin- I do what I Stanford Tree. The Tree, tournament al game, the mas- far less frequently. had to while one of the most popu cot was caught dancing with the had to do" he said. I. lar mascots in all of colle cheerleaders. The problem was, the Stone also brought up an offensive, giate sports, has run into its dancing was not consensual. yet interesting point. "After being fair share of problems. "It was in the middle of the second inspired by some members of the In 2006, the tree wasc half, and all of a sudden, the Fighting marching band, I decided that I would arrested after drinking from a Scot just came up and started dancing go true during every basketball game flask from inside the costume. right behind me. He even tried to grab this season. Why do they think, we It has been rumored that this under my skirt. This is totally inap- wear these kilts? We don't wear noth- ' is exactly what the Wooster propriate. I mean, it's a basketball ing under this attire for nothing. It mascot did during the game for crying out loud. What does was time for me to get up and do my Wittenberg game. The mas- he think this is the UG?" said one thing. You know, like a sex machine," cot, however, was simply cheerleader who refused to be named Stone said. asked to leave in the middle of but is pressing charges against othe Stone has issued an apology to the the game. mascot. cheerleading squad, claiming that it v Stone has said that he has With the entire crowd as witnesses, was a misunderstanding. The tried to model the Wooster Stone was caught dead in the water, in leading squad is still very upset over mascot, after the Stanford front of God and everybody. Stone the entire issue. V Tree, for better or worse. "I was immediately apprehended by the . The scandal comes less than two ' - v ,, X mean, aren't mascots sup Wooster police and cuffed in front of years after the mascot was unveiled posed to be ridiculous and the home crowd. during the 2006 football season. The - -- ml" r li i1init.',A .:, obnoxious? I sta- has yet said ' think that's He then taken the administration not -- why was to police - V , ? .. . I myself am such a good fit tion, where he was arrested on whether the mascot will be brought for this job," he said. charges of sexual harassment. back at all next yfcar. "My personality and style Stone issued the following state- Instead of facing trial, however, is a little on the edge, just like ment from the Wooster Correctional Stone reached a plea deal and will be The Fighting Scot mascot was immediately taken to jail after an indecent a mascot s should be. i don't Center. "I don't really know why peo- deported back to his home in Scotland. altercation with a cheerleader in the middle of a basketball game. He will really see what the big deal ple are so surprised by these actions. I He is forbidden from ever returning ' - HAnnrtprl seyual ( illustra- - is" said Stone- -- i mean, when you're the mascot, you to the College, or the greater Wooster ho tn Smtlarirl avnid a harrassment trial vPhnto r No more than two, weeks can get closer to the cheerleaders than area for the embarrassment he has Kuyk-White- ). tion , ' by Peter , ' later, the Fighting Scot is in anybody else, at least during the game. caused. '' ' Cheeseburger costs Geffert, Boyd 2004 conference championship Chris Sweeney gal compensation." won in 2004. As far as the NCAA is "We won those games, and unless Both are graduating in the fall and Apparently, Mom's Truck Stop is is Mom's HGH into their ham- - are no longer eligible to play college .Zydrunas llgaskus concerned, there no telling how puts not NCAA sanctioned food. deep this corruption goes. burgers, we won them fair and football, so a suspension is pointless. Mom's Truck Stop could be the "We were just a couple of hungry "We need to investigate every reason The College of Wooster guys who forgot their wallets and member of the team," said the offi- "This is really messed up. Who keeps a Mom's Fighting Scot football team forfeits our coach happened to lend us a five,"-sai- d cial. "Purchasing non NCAA sanc- its 2004 NCAC title, all over a couple Geffert. "If I knew that the tioned food is unacceptable." Truck Stop receipt anyway?" ' ' was come down of cheeseburgers. . . NCAA going to on Should the NCAA uncover more DERON BOYD '08 -- in-Nove- ...... The NCAA violation took place mber . us anyway, I would have ordered compensation in the form of Mom's, jDEFENSVE UNEMAN) of 8007 and now a reveal- some fries too." Wooster's football program could

ing receipt found in head coach Mike The NCAA was led to investigate receive the "death sentence." A pun-jshm- ent Schmitz's office proves that he ille- Geffert and Boyd when NCAA offi- - most notably performed in square," said Boyd. Wooster is currently standing by gally purchased two cheeseburgers cials found Mom's paraphernalia lit- 1987 on Southern Methodist Geffert agreed, "This is just ridicu- Schmitz, who has been the head for his senior defensive stars, Jeff tered in their lockers. The official University for their NCAA viola- lous, we're losing our 2004 champi- coach for 13 years and is one of the Geffert '08 and Deron Boyd '08. had the sense to know that neither tions. onship for a violation that happened winningest coaches in the school's "This is really messed up," said could have afforded the empty ham- Geffert and Boyd are both aston- in 2007. It's also a bad rule." history, and has indicated that he Boyd. "Who keeps a Mom's Truck burger wrappers. The discovery led ished that the NCAA would do some- It is unclear hoSv the NCAA will will remain head coach for the 2008

! Stop receipt anyway?" to a full investigation of Wooster's thing this extreme. punish Geffert and Boyd individually. season. . Both receipts confirm that the football program. burgers tallied approximately five "We needed to look into this mat- dollars without tax. ter," said the NCAA official. "We can- "I don't understand why the not have our athletes profiting off of. NCAA is going to strip us of our their sports." 2004 championship over five dollars The odd part is if Schmitz had in food from Mom's," said Geffert. "I taken the two to Burger King or would have thrown my receipt out McDonald's, he would have been in had I known it would have caused the clear. Apparently, both establish- this much trouble." ments are considered "NCAA sanc- The receipt found in Schmitz's tioned food." office is identical to the one NCAA "Burger King and McDonald's are ' officials found in the pocket of two fine establishments and longtime Geffert's jeans. According to Geffert partners with the NCAA," said the he "hasn't worn those jeans in NCAA official. "There would be no awhile." problem had the food come from But unfortunately for Boyd, either of those venues." Geffert and Schmitz, NCAA rule The official would not define what 505, section two, quadrant six, sub- it means for food to be NCAA sanc- s ' ' section 18, notation eight, segment tioned, just that food from Mom's A three, paragraph four specifically was a violation of the rule. -' : .- . ' it. states that: "No head coach or assis- - Since the food was purchased at

"We were just a couple of hungry guys who forgot their wallets and our coach happened to lend us a five. If I knew that the NCAA was 7 going to come down on us anyway, I would have ordered some fries, too." ' JEFF GEFFERT

Deron Boyd '08 (left) and Jeff Geffert '08 may have cost the football team its 2004 NCAC title ta'nt is allowed to buy any athlete any Mom's, the NCAA has no choice but when they both received $5 from their head coach Mike Schmitz to buy cheeseburgers in Mom's form of non-NCA- A sanctioned food. to come down with the hammer and Truck Stop (Photo courtesy Deron Boyd). Otherwise, it will be considered ille-- revoke the championship Wooster

2007-200- 8 SURVIVOR SUPPORT SYSTEM A group of faculty and staff who are available to confidentially assist survivors of, or those who know survivors of sexual assault. For assistance contact: '

f- Nancy Anderson Longbrake Ext. 2038 - Mary Bader Kauke 005 Ext. 2357 v 00 .a o Heather Fitz Gibbon Kauke 007 Ext. 2371 T m V O PamFrese Kauke 014 Ext 2256 Shirley Huston-Findle- y Wishart 118 Ext. 2543 ffi B 3 Q Dianna Rhyan The Lilly House Ext 2301 Carroll Meyer Westminster Church Ext. 2208 2: o Students may also call the College counselorsmedical staff at Ext 2319 or the Campus Chaplain at Ext. 2558. To report an assault, contact the Wooster City Police at 9 1 1 (emergencies) or (330) 264-333- 3, or Campus Security at Ext. 2590. ' For Information, please access: http:www.wooster.edupolicies,