Only Slightly More Offensive Than Cable November 2009 FREE!

Vol. 1 - Issue 8 In this month’s issue...

Check out our interview with !

Before (On Left) After

Shana McCoy’s Makeover see more pics on page 11 The Best of Paducah O Vote On Your O Favorite Spots Around Town Freezor Pop Fest Come The Show You Don’t Wanna Miss! Win A Date With Bella! Get You Some...

See Page 7 For Details

‘Cause Momma Does It Best! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 2

2 - Editor’s Note Shana McCoy’s Makeover Pics 3 - Upcoming Events 12 - Momma Does It Best: Mother Duncan’s 4 - Rant ‘N Rave: I Heart Paducah 13 - Mother Duncan’s Cont’d Contents 5 - Movie Going For Morons 14 - Freezor Pop Fest Why Must the Holidays Be Hell-of-Days? 15 - The Season For Giving: Local Charities 6 - Sex In the Sticks and Where To Get Your X-Mas Gifts 7 - Win A Date With Bella 16 - Shana McCoy’s Makeover Check Out Bella Bazooka’s Face- 8 - Old Crow Medicine Show Interview 17 - The Best of Paducah book page, with pics of us being sa- 9 - Old Crow Cont’d 18 - The Best of Paducah Cont’d lacious hussies and everything. And 10 - Around Town Pics 19 - The First Ever Affordable Art Show we now have our very own web- site! www.bazookamagazine.com 11 - Around Town Cont’d 20 - Back Cover Editor’s Note

Hey Guys! Welcome to the eighth issue of Bazooka Magazine. Man, this thing is just blowing up! In just the past month I have heard from so many new fans who tell me how stoked they are that there is finally an alternative newspaper in town. If this is your first time seeing our little ‘zine, you’re in for a treat.With the help of some fans in Murray, I got THE hookup, and your very own Bella Bazooka was able to get an interview with Ketch Secor from Old Crow Medicine Show! Trust me, when his publicist wrote me and gave me his cell number, I was so nervous I about puked. But it was awesome, and I think the interview was not only a personal thrill for me but also a great piece with some wonderful quotes that might even make it out of the confines of our little town. Since everyone is in the giving spirit this holiday season, I thought I could have a fundraiser to benefit the paper and a local children’s charity the best way I know how...by prostituting myself! Ah, don’t get too excited. I’m not providing the happy ending, unless you’re a rich old man who’s prepared to keep me in the lifestyle of Bud Light and fried Spam that I’ve become accustomed to. But I am raffling off a date with me that includes dinner for two, after-dinner drinks at a local bar, and two tickets to Freezor cover photo by Brian Steffen Pop Fest, which takes place on December 11th and 12th. Friday is acoustic night and Saturday is the punk/metal show. So I guess which night we go out depends on if a country boy or a headbanger wins the date! And if your significant other objects to the date on the grounds that I’m a bad influence, you guys can have the prizes to go on a date night of your own. I may be a hussy, but I’m an understanding hussy. Contributors, Ad Info, Also in this issue is the first ever Best of Paducah poll! On pages 17 and 18 you can vote on all the things you love in Paducah – everything from the best bartender in town to cheesy Senior Superlatives that if anything will be good for a laugh. I want either Submissions, and best writer or biggest flirt, but I better get sumthin’ if you know what’s good for ya. If there was a category for Best Cleavage, I would have that shit in the bag. Random Crap On a serious note, I do want to sincerely thank all of our fans and advertisers for helping Bazooka get off its feet. It’s you guys Of course, we couldn’t do this without advertisers, who make this all possible. If it all ended tomorrow, I would still feel honored and blessed that so many people have supported so please support them! You can find this issue at my little dream. Shit. Ya’ll are gonna make me cry. But enough of that! There will be enough tears at the end of my date when that 55 places in Paducah, KY - including Roof Brothers poor boy (or girl) has to leave the warmth of my magnificent bosom. Wine and Spirits, Crash Comics, Fat Moe’s, Maiden Until next time, dear readers: hug your kids, kiss your sweetie, grab a beer, and settle in to enjoy the newest issue of Bazooka! Alley Cinema, Smoke Shop in Lone Oak, Flamingo Row, B&G Liquors and many more. Our ad rates start at $50 so please give ne money so I don’t have to work the truck stop. We love contributors, so send all Feedback: work and feedback to [email protected]. Thanks for all the LOVE! “When I first moved here three months ago I was given the impression that the com- munity was fairly stuffy overall (like the town in Footloose, as one of your colum- Bazooka Publishing nists put it). Seeing your magazine was a good sign that Paducah’s not all banks and Bellablue: Owner and Editor churches.” Jessica: Layout, Cover Art, and Graphics Ginny: Photos, Graphics and Bella’s Bitch “Hey, just wanted to let you know that there are a couple of us down here at P.F.D. All opinions expressed in this paper are entirely the edi- Station X that can’t wait for the newest edition of Bazooka. We’ve only been lucky tor’s bad judgment and she begs you not to sue her. It’s enough to come across a couple of issues which means we’ve missed out on your entertainment. Please do not take it seriously. genius. If we could get a heads up so we can look out for the next issue I’m sure we would love you in a variety of ways.” Special Thanks To: photo by Jessica Brian Steffen, Ginny Harris and Jill Tanner for “What’s up? I like your outspoken mag. I like the way you’re presenting Paducah as you see it and not the way the Chamber of Photography Commerce sees it. I do video profiles for FB, sites, whatever. When you want some new vids on your site talking about the mag Karen Myrick for Research or your behind-the-scenes, I’d like to work with you. Can’t wait for the next issue.“

“Hey just saw on Facebook that you did an interview with the Old Crow boys, sounds fun indeed. Thanks for doing the Bawn in For Ad Info Call Bella the Mash story this summer, it was great and I love reading Bazooka. Keep up the good werks.” 270-366-9565 “You should be my MILF for Christmas.” [email protected] 3

If you want to have your show or venue listed here, it’s free! Please send them to us at [email protected]. Also, for a much Upcoming Events more complete and diverse list of events in and around town, check out our partners in party pro- motion, Mary and Nikki, the hot gals at ilistpad- ucah.com - they know where it’s AT!

Friday, Nov 20 Fat Moe’s — National Poker Tour Di Fratelli — Ladies Night Wine Pro — Little Black Dress Wine Tasting Tuesday, Dec 1 Etcetera Coffeehouse — Paducah Writers Group 45 Downunder — Lincoln Hawk Carson Center — Larry Gatlin and the Gatlin Brothers KC’s Rec Room – Open Mic Mother Duncan’s - Wither Under Water Nick’s - Constant Calling Fat Moe’s — Dirty Cherry Pure Country — SOL Band Wednesday, Dec 2 The Hilltop - Syndicate 4 45 Downunder — Open Mic Friday, Dec 11 The Keg - Piano Man Terry Humphrey Fat Moe’s — Cornhole Tournaments Di Fratelli — Ladies Night Mother Duncan’s – Open Mic Night Etcetera Coffeehouse — Paducah Writers Group Saturday, Nov 21 426 Broadway — Freezer Pop Fest Paducah Expo Center - Roller Girls Scar Wars: Return of the Thursday, Dec 3 Mother Duncan’s — Midlife Crisis Jammer Buckets — Kerry-O-Kee Fat Moe’s — Darling Parade Mother Duncan’s - Roller Girls Scar Wars After Party Club Plush — Rhythm and Poetry Pure Country — Southern Express Lovett Auditorium - Old Crow Medicine Show Pasta House — Celebrity Bartender Bob Tumbarello The Hilltop - Shipwreck Fat Moe’s — The Anythings Philosophy Gallery — Affordable Art Show The Keg—Piano Man Terry Humphrey Pure Country — SOL Band The Keg – Tony Louge Friday, Dec 4 Saturday, Dec 12 Doe’s Eat Place – John Tate Di Fratelli — Ladies Night 426 Broadway — Freezer Pop Fest The Hilltop - Greysin Etcetera Coffeehouse — Paducah Writers Group Mother Duncan’s — Midlife Crisis Mother Duncan’s — Adam and the H Bombs Fat Moe’s — CJ Vaughn and HWY 58 Monday, Nov 23 The Dairy — Willy Porter House Concert Pure Country — Southern Express Fat Moe’s — National Poker Tour Fat Moe’s — John Sutton Band The Hilltop—Wolfman and The Pack Pure Country — Tabatha and Southern FRY’d Tuesday, Nov 24 The Hilltop - Tony Logue Monday, Dec 14 Big Apple Cafe – Bawn in the Mash The Keg - Piano Man Terry Humphrey Fat Moe’s — National Poker Tour KC’s Rec Room – Open Mic Nick’s - Halo Stereo Saturday, Dec 5 Tuesday, Dec 15 Etcetera Coffeehouse - Sorry, Michigan KC’s Rec Room – Open Mic Wednesday, Nov 25 Mother Duncan’s - The Cruisers 45 Downunder — Open Mic Fat Moe’s - Mozley Rose Wednesday, Dec 16 Fat Moe’s — Cornhole Tournaments and DJ Chester Hack Pure Country - Tabatha &Southern FRY’d 45 Downunder — Open Mic Harrah’s Casino - Top Tier K.C’s - Don Gibson Benefit and Fundraiser 1-5pm Fat Moe’s — Cornhole Tournaments The Hilltop - Greysin Mother Duncan’s – Open Mic Night Thursday, Nov 26 Buckets — Kerry-O-Kee Sunday, Dec 6 Thursday, Dec 17 Club Plush — Rhythm and Poetry Four Rivers Covenant Church — Show Your Heart Concert Buckets — Kerry-O-Kee Club Plush — Rhythm and Poetry Friday, Nov 27 Monday, Dec 7 Di Fratelli — Ladies Night Jasmine — 40/50 Group Friday, Dec 18 Etcetera Coffeehouse — Paducah Writers Group Fat Moe’s — National Poker Tour Di Fratelli — Ladies Night Fat Moe’s — August Christopher Etcetera Coffeehouse — Paducah Writers Group Pure Country - The David Ivey Band Tuesday, Dec 8 Carson Center - Cirque Dreams: Illumination The Hilltop - Lincoln Hawk Carson Center — A Christmas Carol Mother Duncan’s — Heart & Soul The Keg - Piano Man Terry Humphrey KC’s Rec Room – Open Mic Pure Country — Tabatha and Southern FRY’d The Hilltop - Lincoln Hawk Saturday, Nov 28 Wednesday, Dec 9 The Keg - Piano Man Terry Humphrey Etcetera — Dereck Yarbro 45 Downunder — Open Mic Fat Moe’s — Greysin Fat Moe’s — Cornhole Tournaments Saturday, Dec 19 Cherry Civic Center — Thanksgiving Dance Mother Duncan’s – Open Mic Night Etcetera Coffeehouse — Abby Potts, Abi Robins and Anchor in Pure Country — The David Ivey Band the Valley The Keg – Johnny Mac and the Heart Attacks Thursday, Dec 10 Carson Center - Cirque Dreams: Illumination The Hilltop - Lincoln Hawk Pasta House — Celebrity Bartenders Alex Metzger and Eddie Mother Duncan’s — Heart & Soul The Keg - Jonny Mac & the Heart Attacks Grant, iSurf Paducah Fat Moe’s — Greysin Buckets — Kerry-O-Kee Pure Country — Tabatha and Southern FRY’d Monday, Nov 30 Club Plush — Rhythm and Poetry The Hilltop - Lincoln Hawk

Dreading hanging out with your family?! Go to Harrah’s Riverfront Event Center on Thanksgiving Eve from 8pm til l midnight for drink specials and free live music from Nashville band Top Tier. Free admission! l 4

I’m Not A Bitch, I Just Sound Like One by Bella Rant Good Lord...you say someone was acting bitchy or make other motherfucker around. And I can bitch about it if I want to. fun of a politician’s last name in this town and everybody goes As far as me sharing some negative opinions and being criti- apeshit. cal about certain things, dude, if you’re in the public eye, you The problem is that Paducah hasn’t had a critical eye cast on are going to get some criticism. You are putting yourself out it or any kind of voice that doesn’t toe the party line in....well, there for better or worse, and sometimes it’s for worse. pretty much forever. Trust me. People have said far shittier things about me than I If you go to bigger cities and read their alternative newspa- have ever written about anyone else. There are pages and pages pers, or hell, even their daily newspapers, you find that people on local message boards devoted to what a whore I am, what a have opinions. Sometimes even negative ones. shitty writer I am, and how I’m just an awful person. There’s Recently there was a minor brouhaha over some things I had even a psycho girl who makes sure she’s in a public place written about the Buy Local campaign on my blog. I felt like when she takes her little red pen and goes over the whole issue that was my place to bitch and rant and rave about things that I circling all the editorial mistakes. Seriously. She’s like my own either wouldn’t put in the paper or would like to get more infor- little Mark David Chapman. mation or opinions on before I put them in the paper. So dude - if I can take it, so can you. Because we can’t keep our opinions to ourselves. But this is a small town and pretty much no matter what you I really do want Bazooka to be a positive contribution to this do or say, you’re going to piss somebody off. There are always area. Well, at least until some publishing company comes along about 20 sides to every story, and no, I don’t have time to get all and offers me a million bucks to write my autobiography. I’ll be opinions on any subject anyway. I don’t want to be one of those of them. on the next puddle jumper out of Barkely Airport on my way to people who sits around the coffee shop all day being bitter and So many people around here are scared to say what they the islands. cynical and pissing on everything anyone tries to do because think. Hell I’m scared. You think I don’t worry about what Seriously though, I want people to come here and say, “You they don’t have the balls to get up and do anything themselves. the consequences of this paper will be? I thought about it a lot know, this place might be a little repressed but there are some But you know what, I did it. I made my own newspaper. If I before the first issue ever came out. I knew I would step on toes badass folks here.” Hell, I want the people who are born here had the ability to be objective and all nicey-nice all the time, I’d and offend people and maybe even get in some serious trouble. and who are a little bit different or weird to not feel like they be working for someone else. I have busted my ass to make this But in the end, I felt like it was not only something I needed to have to leave because don’t belong. Good lord, they used to call work, and I’ll continue to do so. Part of the reward of having do for myself but also something the people of this town des- me a witch in my high school science class because I believed in your own paper is that I get to say what I want. Yes, I might lose perately wanted. There are a ton of things I’d like to print that I evolution. They called me a dyke because I disagreed (loudly) advertisers and probably get a little shit for it, and sometimes don’t because I’m a single mom and pretty vulnerable. I don’t with a girl who thought you should do whatever your husband I might have to suck it up and say I’m sorry. And there will want to end up in a ditch, either. told you to do. probably be times I’ll just keep my mouth shut because I don’t And actually, I’m not a total bitch. Notice I said total bitch. I I get a lot of fan mail from townies and newbies alike that want to deal with the fucking drama. I’ll be a martyr when I can admit I can be a bitch. But I also like to think that I’m funny and love the fact that someone has the balls to speak out in this afford it. have gone out of my way to promote a lot of great small busi- town. I would like to think that if I’m bitching about something, nesses, bands, and charities simply because I want to help out. They are proud of me. They think I’m making Paducah a even if I don’t have the opportunity to fix it, I can at least offer In the very first issue I printed a piece, which I have reprinted cooler place to live. That makes me happy. That keeps me truck- space for people to voice their own opinions on how to make below, on how I really do love this town. Granted, this is mainly ing along when the pressure of making this work pretty much on it better. Unless they’re being a douche and I don’t like them. because I have wonderful friends and family here; but hell, my own just kicks my ass. Sucks to be them. They should have been nicer to the girl who this is where I was born and raised and will probably die. I’m I like to try and be fair and balanced. That’s not too hard for owns a newspaper. passionate about this place and it belongs as much to me as any me to do because I’m all Gemini and have about 12 different Paducah Ain’t That Bad! Uh... Except For The Cancer by Bella (Reprinted from Issue 1) You know, I was born and raised in this town. I went to Lone If you open doors for someone in a bigger city, they look at heart and I have faith that they will keep going strong. Hell, we Oak High School, worked at Paradise Snow, and spent my you like you’re going to mug them. You think traffic on Lone even have the Radioactive City Rollergirls – and that is like, the weekends at the “new” mall and making out with bad boys from Oak Road is bad? Try driving on Busch Boulevard in Tampa, top of the barometer for coolness as far as I’m concerned. Reidland behind Phar-Mor Pharmacy. I was the scary, misunder- Florida. They have around 50 wrecks and probably eight bodies With the recent Ice Storm Catastrophe of ’09, we got to see stood girl in school, a little hippie, a little punk rock – yes, two in trunks on that road on any given Sunday. Around here, I can our friends and neighbors really step up and try to take care of things that totally don’t go together, but it was called “alterna- start a friendly conversation in Wal-Mart, and not worry that each other. I had neighbors I rarely talk to come by and check on tive” back then. All I ever dreamed about was getting out of the person is going to follow me out to my car and kill me. And us, and once some people got power they were calling friends here. Getting far the hell away from Paducah, Kentucky. actually, I feel like Paducah is getting kind of cool. like crazy and having slumber parties galore. I’ve moved to the deserts of Mormon-infested Utah, braved I had a very good friend named Luke when I was growing up; the wild and felonious Santeria lands of Southern Florida, and he was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, and a wonderful soul. waded through the hippie/biker wonderland that is Humbolt At one point in my life I was so jealous of him because he County, California. For anyone familiar with that area, my only was traveling to all of these wonderful places like Guatemala, defense is I was 21, and I’m a good girl now. I’ve traveled to and he told me, “Look...you can go anywhere in this world, and Canada, Mexico, and all over Europe. But I always end up back all that really changes is the scenery. There are good people and here. And for the first time in my life, I feel like that’s not such a bad people everywhere, it’s up to you who and what you fill bad thing. your life with. Your home is what you make it.” Part of it is that I have children now, and I as much as For right now, I’m happy that this is my home. Yes, the my family can drive me nuts, I want to be near them, for my We have a larger venue here in the Four Rivers Performing Paxtons still control everything and you can’t get a decent meal children to feel like they have good, solid roots in this world. I Arts Center. I mean, hell, we had George Carlin and John Prine after 10 p.m. – I’m not saying it couldn’t use some improvement have four best friends here that can be at my house for cookie here. Maiden Alley Cinema brings not only classier film fare but (a Target and a Hooters would make me happier), but it’s a good dough and trashy reality TV in thirty minutes or less, and those also fun girls’ nights and Rocky Horror Picture Show on Hal- place to live. And if you’re bitching about it, maybe you haven’t silly nights can be more sanity saving than you can imagine. But loween, one of my faves. We have our burgeoning little arts dis- met the right people. And if you have met the right people and also, the more I’ve been around, the more I appreciate this little trict, which is bringing tourists and an influx of new energy into are still bitching about it, then maybe you should do what we’re Southern town. town. Our music scene is struggling, but damn, it’s got talent and trying to do…make it better. 5 Movie-Going For Morons by Bucky Manitoba

Since I live too far from the thriving Metropolis of Paducah already know what’s available there. They’ve had the same shit for that shit. to do any serious drinking and still make it home in one piece, I since Dillinger’s days at the Biograph. If this is your first time When the movie starts, that’s your cue to stop talking. You’re go to the movies a lot. There’s just not much else to do around seein’ the movin’ pitchers, it’s still not too hard—popcorn, hot- not in the trailer anymore, so you need to be considerate of here that’s still fun when you’re sober. I usually average around dogs, nachos, and candy. They’ve even got the containers up on other people. I came here to ogle Amanda Seyfried, watch Jason two movies a week, so it’s not unusual for me to encounter top of the popcorn machines so you can see the sizes. Seriously Statham beat the hell out of a bunch of people, or be deeply people who don’t seem to understand how the movie-going folks, this ain’t Spago’s. Get your popcorn and get the fuck out disappointed by Roland Emmerich, not to hear about Aunt experience is supposed to work. If you’re one of these people, I of my way. And don’t complain or make jokes about the price Earline’s foot operation. And if you’re talking because your wife hope this article helps. of the snacks. The prices are high because that’s how the theater can’t follow the plot of Last House on the Left and you’ve got Let’s start with buying tickets. This seems like an easy makes money, and everybody knows the prices are high. Your to explain it to her, maybe fine cinema isn’t for you. I’m sure process, but some people manage to fuck it up. It’s important to complaints won’t change anything and the poor bastards behind there’s an episode of John and Kate Plus Eight More Rat’s Asses decide what you want to see before you get in line. I don’t want the counter hear the same jokes hundreds of times a day. If you Than I Give that you could be watching instead. The only time to stand around listening to you and Mrs. Dumbass try to figure can’t afford $10-$20 for popcorn and drinks, maybe you should it’s permissible to talk during a film is if you’re of African- out whether The Men Who Stare at Goats is a porno, and neither be looking for a better job instead of wasting your time at the American decent and you’re talking to the characters on screen does the person working the ticket booth. You can find out movies. during a horror movie. what movies are playing (and even read reviews, cast and crew Once you’ve got your munchies, you’ll need to find a seat. Eventually, the movie will end (even Transformers 2). DO details, and other useful decision-making information) online, in Again, this is not rocket science. The way today’s theaters are NOT APPLAUD. The people who made the movie aren’t here, the newspaper, and even on your phone before you ever get to built, there are really only a few bad seats (usually the first so it’s really kind of pointless. I’m sure Bruce Willis appreci- the theater. If all else fails, or you’re illiterate, there are a bunch couple of rows). Find an empty seat and sit down. When you’re ates your support, but he isn’t watching you via hidden camera. of big posters with pretty pictures hanging on the outside of the doing this, be aware that personal space preferences increase Before you leave, grab all those (now empty) food and drink building that you can look at before getting in line. And speak- as the number of people in the theater decreases. If the house is containers and throw them in the trashcan on your way out. The ing of lines, if you and your little throng of adolescent obnox- pretty empty, give the other people a little space. I’ve already got people who have to clean up after the show will appreciate it. iousness are more than 3 feet from the end of the line, you’re not plenty of friends and I’m not taking applications for new ones. That’s about all the time we have this month. Look for future in line. Don’t start quoting Dane Cook to me when I get in line Also, the farther away you are the less likely you are to annoy installments of the For Morons series, including “Turn Signals in front of you. me. The only exception is if you’re Patricia Arquette and you’re and You: A Moron’s Guide to Driving” and “ATM Machines: Okay, you’ve got your ticket. Now it’s time to go to the there to fuck me so hard I kill Gary Oldman, steal a suitcase full Convenient Technology or Satan’s Plaything.” concession stand. If you’ve ever been to the movies before, you of blow, and run away to California with you. I’d give up an eye Why must the holidays be Hell-of-Days? by Rosa Moon The holidays are here and who the hell invited them? her reputation she would be sharing the holidays with the F & F happy “Hell of Days” shopper? When something is on sale and Whether you have family close by or not, everyone is sucked instead of snorting coke off the ass of a cabana boy in Hawaii. they have a discount card with coupon - the shit hits the fan. into the suckativity of the “Hell of Days.” If you have no family If you made an apple pie, should you also make a cherry pie? Some go in F & F packs to push and shove others out of the way. around, you are cast as a loner or a loser. Every Tom, Dick and But what about the pumpkin pie? What was that made-from- I personally have an Aunt that openly admits she eats deviled Harry sends you an invite to their crappy holiday gatherings scratch, great-great-grandma’s recipe that calls for one pound eggs the night before her holiday-sale, double coupon shopping They don’t realize that you have been lucky enough to be one of of butter, two gallons of milk fresh from the cow and sixteen sprees. We are talking chemical warfare folks. Beware all and the few that has made it away from their family. They want you pounds of sugar? Who the fuck cares?! know they have strategies. Military boot camps have nothing to share in their suffering. Stay home people! Remember, misery I want to carry around a sign that says, “Do the best you can! on these women. You can’t compare a few months of hell to a loves company. The hell with the rest!” But let’s face facts - it’s never enough. lifetime of family stories, the legacies of the discount buyers Unless drinking is involved, then attending is a must. Go and Why? Because you have a whole year to think about and reflect trained since birth. Just remember the pack is only as strong as don’t forget to encourage dancing. And take a video camera. on what you didn’t do. Believe me when I say the perfect gravy it’s leader. If you think you can take the leader bitch down then A frolicking family dinning room can become a fucking white can only be achieved with a blender. That if you put a few pieces do it. Just be careful not to mistake the bottom bitch for the trash family bar room brawl in no time. The friends and family of real potato in with the instant crap no one can tell the differ- leader bitch. (F & F) can be very unpredictable, especially with booze around. ence. Do you understand what I am saying? Another good tip for the “hell of days” conversation is to say, We’ve all seen the women with two carts shopping. Do you Ask your self this: Who came up with this shit? “Well I heard she...” then tell about your most embarrassing or encourage them by mentally taking notes or do you discourage Can we cram any more bullshit into the “Hell of Days”? sluttiest moment in the past year. It’s a lot like confession, but them by taking their second cart when they’re not looking? I’m I say calm the fuck down people. It’s just a day, a day society you don’t have to feel like you’re bragging or owning up to the a cart-taker myself. Ok, I dream of taking their carts and yelling, decided to dress up before we were born. We had no say in it, so act. Plus someone else gets blamed for your shame and you get “Stop fucking it up for the rest of us!” Please, all you Martha why encourage it? Make your own “Hell of days” tradition and to hear what people would have said about you behind your wannabes out there, knock it off and give us “Hell of days” turn it back into a Holiday. That is all. back. Who cares if Grandma thinks your second cousin in St. Jerry’s kids a chance. Louis is a sicko pervert slut? If your cousin really cared about Piss on the season to be jolly. Have you ever seen a truly OOOOO 6 Sex In The Sticks

Bellablue, Love Guru, is a pagan goddess of silly sweet snuggles, long licks of skin and nibbles of the neck, of babies, moonlight and rock and roll. Okay, enough BS for the moment. I am not a licensed sex therapist, couples counselor, or cosmetologist – but I still do great makeup. With many lovely and lusty experiences of my own, including a passion for romance novels, the selling of sex toys, and even a brief stint as a dominatrix, I shall try to help all my darlins with love and lust advice of their very own. Originally I was going to do a love question and a lust question, but the more I do this, the more I realize that the two are often intertwined, as they should be. So send your queries to Bella at bazookapaducah@ gmail.com. And even if I’m totally full of shit, I promise it will at least be entertaining. Picture by Brian Steffen

You can always (bleep) their (bleep)! by Bella The best Sex in the Sticks question I got this month was, I know, I know...you’re tired and don’t feel like it and you If you go to the website and check out the forum, you have to “What’s the best intoxicant to fuck on?” And even though that’s have to get the kids ready for school and blah blah blah. But be a registered user to get to the Sex in the Sticks thread. At a very interesting question – there were 139 comments at last man, you are talking about a ton of relationship points here! He least I’m trying to keep the really dirty stuff tucked out of sight! count on my Facebook page – I have a feeling that it would get will be your love monkey slave for days. You don’t even have On there we can get super freaky, borderline porno freaky, but everybody in a whole lotta trouble. It’s pretty bad when you feel to get up. Just lie on your side and slide down under the covers. until then you’ll have to make do with the Skinamax version safer writing about squirters than pot. But I digress. Hell, you could stay half-asleep and just slobber and he’d enjoy here. Sorry readers, I don’t want to burn at the stake just yet, I So I decided that this month’s subject would be something it. But for some insanely hot tips on how to do this and just have some lovemaking under an XXXmas tree to do! The glow a little sweeter, like love. Okay, quit puking into your trashcan. blow his fucking mind (heh, blow) I have to send you to the reminds me of stripper lights. Ah, memories.... Love for me includes intimacy, which in turns includes hot nasty Sex in the Sticks forum on the Bazooka website, because I’ve sex. Don’t quit reading just yet. gone just about too far here as it is. If I start talking about that, Everyone is so stressed out this time of year, and for good I’m pretty sure the town would say, freedom of speech laws be reason. The weather’s shitty, you have a million things to do, damned! Burn that hussy! However, just follow some of those and you have to spend time with your fucking fambly. Yes, I rules above. The ones about the light licks and touches, not the know how to spell “family,” I just like that rednecky term. biting. Ow! Every relationship goes through sexual highs and lows. You can go weeks, even months, without having sex. I know, it’s a damn shame. For the Dude In Your Life... Besides Sex To break out of that rut, here are a few ways to rev things up by Wally P. Doyle and get what everybody wants for Christmas...laid. Well, it’s that time of the year again. The kids are making Rent/Remote Control Car – I put these two items together Guys, I hate to say it, but it’s true that a woman is more their wish lists, families are bringing the Christmas tree out of because if you are in such a dire need for either one of these likely to take you to bed if the dishes are done when she gets the attic and mistletoe in the workplace is opening up new and things that you have to ask for it at Christmas; you need to move home. One simple reason is that it’s one less thing she has to do exciting avenues for sexual harassment suits. No longer do back in with your mother. before getting some nooky time! Take the kids to your mom’s, people only want their two front teeth for Christmas. (except Lil UniqueSkins.com – They’re not sponsoring the magazine clean up a little, meet her at the door with a glass of wine and a Wayne; his incisors could pay off my mortgage) Most everyone or anything but, I’ve used their product and can vouch for the fuzzy robe and tell her to get naked. has someone that they need to buy a Christmas present for and quality. They make skins for iPods, phones, Xbox, PS3, Wii, It may sound cheesy and like a total line, but give her a it is notoriously hard to find gifts for men. That set of sockets anything. You can use their designs or download any picture massage. Dude, my neck is killing me. I’d probably screw the and a tie shit just won’t fly anymore. So, in an effort to make you want: sports teams, album covers or his favorite girlfriend’s right guy for a good rubdown right now. You should add a little everybody’s relationship all peachy, I asked some random guys photo. The girlfriend thing is great: they don’t want to do it but, something unexpected like lightly licking her from the dimple in what they really want for Christmas. they feel like they have to if you buy it for them. By the way, her lower back up to the nape of her neck. When I say “lightly” I tried to limit the answers to realistic, not-horribly-expensive there is only one Union Suit iPod out there and I expect it to stay I mean barely touching her with your tongue, just lifting all the items (eliminating plasmas, motorcycles, boats, etc.) and omitted that way. tiny hairs in the skin and feathering her with warm breath while the obvious gifts such as threesomes and fellatio while driving. Beer – Roof Brothers has some great beer baskets to give a you do it. Especially right there at the baby fuzz just under her Believe me, if you are getting your significant other a ménage eclectic sampling of culturally diverse beer to the alcoholic in hairline...dang, just writing that makes me squirm. trios, you can skip the cordless reciprocating circular saw. If your life. Or, you could be the sweetest person ever and buy After you’ve primed her up, reach around to stoke and caress you’re not ready to get your “Eyes Wide Shut” quality time yet, him a kegerator. $400 on ebay. Yeah, it’s a little steep but, can the front of her. While you’re doing that, turn your head to the check out these gifts and see which one is right for him: you really put a price on love? side and gently bite the back of her neck. You ever watch nature iTunes Gift Card – I heard this answer a lot and it makes Concert/Sports Tickets – A lot of people are buying the men shows where lions do that? They do that shit for a reason. It’s sense. Everyone has an iPod and iTunes has everything from in their lives tickets to the event of their choice. This is a great primal in a “Stay right there – you’re MINE” kind of way. Of movies and apps to music and books. This is the perfect gift to time to do that. Normally, you wouldn’t drop $400.00 on a pair course after that, I enjoy having my neck and skull bit the shit say “I don’t know you that well so you pick out your gift.” of tickets to see his favorite team playing within driving distance out of, and if she’s writhing pretty hard she might want that, Pocket synthesizer - This portable Herbie Hancock was very but, it’s the holidays. Nothing smartass here, it’s just a good too! But I think I might like it a little rougher than most people. popular among 1 out of every 2 small, bearded men surveyed. idea. Maybe. Ok, probably. Best Buy Gift Card – See “iTunes Gift Card” description And, finally my favorite; Ladies, if your guy has been in a slump for a while, there is but replace “books” and “apps” with “electronics” and “candy.” A Lady Friend – This Christmas wish was hurled North- one thing guaranteed to cheer him up. Get him up, whatever. Smoker/Dehydrator – Sought after by a gentleman who is a wardly by a patron of a downtown restaurant who smoked a lot, A guy’s testosterone level is highest in the morning, hence all hunter and wanting to make jerky. I’m not necessarily down wore a green T-shirt (reportedly pants, as well) and was notice- those wonderful early morning hard-ons they like to poke in with hunting but, I’m not scared of some deer jerky if you’re ably missing teeth. A Lady Friend? You and I both, Abner; you your back. And nothing feels better to a swollen and strain- handing out. Just a guess but, I would imagine you could also and I both. The only difference is that I would probably let the ing boy than your sweet, soft mouth. Yes, we are talking about get him something camouflage and he would be happy. Even girl leave eventually. morning head. camouflage toilet paper. They have it. Check the internet. 7

Buy Your Raffle Tickets, Win a Date with a Hot Mattress Kitten... Me! Only $5, At by Bella www.bazookamagazine. Haven’t had a good date since flannel was out-whereabouts through the website or my com Or At Mother in? Then you’re in luck! Because I, the lovely Facebook, which is under Bella Bazooka. I can Duncan’s, Where The and sassy Mistress Bella Bazooka, am pretty guarantee if you do it that way, you’ll at least Drawing Will Be Held On much selling my ass for Bazooka’s Christmas get a hug or back scratch for your wonderful December 4th fundraiser. support! Every organization has their hand out this And if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t time of year, and I thought hey, if you’re going want you hanging around me because I’m a to give money to help a good cause, you might terrible influence, I totally understand. I get that as well get a little fun out of it! And what’s a lot. In that case, if you win you can have the more fun than a night out with me? Going dinner, drinks, and Freezor Pop tickets to do skinny-dipping with Salma Hayek? Drinking with as you wish. See, aren’t I such an under- Jaeger shots with Zach Galifianakis? Eating standing hussy? mushrooms with Hunter S. Thompson? Of The proceeds of this fundraiser will help course he’s pretty ripe right by now, so that keep Bazooka Magazine on the counters of would probably be a bad trip. shady adult bookstores and dive bars every- But no! I’m way more fun than all of that where, but it will also benefit abused and combined! neglected children through Sunrise Children’s And if you want to be all cool and Services. They are a faith-based charity that like...”Naw, man, I totally don’t want to sit operates residential treatment facilities and across from Bella’s luscious candlelit boobs therapeutic foster care homes throughout the while eating a big juicy piece of meat” - you state, and through those serve nearly 400 chil- can tell everyone you’re just a huge supporter dren daily. Through their Foster Care program of the magazine and you knew I could tell a in Paducah and the Genesis Home for Girls in mean dirty joke. Ask me to tell you the one Mayfield they care for more than 30 children about Leroy; Philip and Joe love that one. I act locally. out the voices and everything. This raffle will serve so many useful pur- Our date will begin with a yummy delicious poses. It will be good publicity for the charity dinner at a local restaurant, followed by some and businesses that have donated their services, heavy drinking at Mother Duncan’s, and then it will make some money for the paper, it will you will escort me to Freezor Pop Fest where help kids, and the people who hate me can photo by Jill Tanner we can enjoy some talented local musicians finally feel vindicated for calling me a shame- and you can meet like a million people. Of less whore, attention and otherwise. Everybody course if you want to keep me all to yourself, I wins! understand. But don’t just take my word for it! Local But don’t go thinking this date will buy you lothario and lead guitarist for The Great Gatsby a happy ending, unless you’re a very rich old Jazz Funk Odyssey Tommy Buford , who’s man who wants to support me in the lavish personal credo is “Guitars, cars, and bars,” lifestyle of cheap beer and fried Spam that said, “Most of the time when you ask a girl out, I’ve become accustomed to. Dude - whatever you have no idea what to expect. Is she going happened to those wonderful people from to be happy or sad, is she going to be really yesteryear who just gave you money to make self-involved and whine all night, will she be art? Benefactors, patrons, people buying off psycho...it’s a gamble. But with you, I know their guilt from shaming their art fag kids into that I would just have a fucking awesome time becoming mimes in Quebec.... and just laugh all night!” The contest is open to anyone who buys I may not be a good housekeeper or know a $5 raffle ticket (or several), which you can how to do algebra, but damnit, the one thing I purchase at Mother Duncan’s or on our website do know is how to have a good time. So buy a at www.bazookamagazine.com. Or you can raffle ticket, or 20, and let me take you out for just see me out drinking one night and I’ll hook a night of sin and debauchery – and probably a you up! I will keep you posted on my going- hangover the next day that is totally worth it. Hawk’s Bargain Center Buy - Sell - Trade Located Inside Kentucky Tobacco Outlet

121 South 9th Street (Behind Fat Moe’s) Mon - Sat Mark 10 AM - Tina 4 PM (270) 564 - 7811 270-519-7212 Mark (270) 519 - 7212 8 Old Crow Medicine Show - It’ll Cure What Ails Ya

Bella interviews Ketch Secor of Old Crow Medicine Show, play- ing in Murray on Nov. 21st, about his trip to Paducah, their new album , and a life led on the sidelines of outlaws. by Bella Ketch Secor of OCMS

I was driving home from the bar one Saturday night a couple probably not good. mountain before meth arrived, when they were still shooting of years ago, windows rolled down and the smell of honey- Just tell him not to sing it at school. So, you write for the people over corn whiskey. And then it seemed like meth came suckle drifting in, listening to Outlaw Hours on WKYQ, when magazine? over night and changed everything. We lived in the crack part this song came on. When that sweet lonesome fiddle started up, Actually, I own it. It’s a entertainment paper, kind of like of town in Nashville, and were always around people that were I kind of gasped and turned the radio up. Before the song was a small town version of The Scene, but with more cussing high and homeless. And personally, I’ve always had an eye out over I was singing the chorus. I later found out that the name of and a lot racier. for the darker side of humanity. As a kid, my dad put me on too the song was “Wagon Wheel” and the band that sang it was the Good, well it’s great that you’re independent, because my many greyhounds. Old Crow Medicine Show. issue with the Scene is the lack of independent thinking. Well it will give you an education. I had my outlaw days, I danced with my son to that song at my sister’s wedding and I’m kind of surprised they’re letting me get away with it, and it gives you a lot to write about. I sing it to my children as they fall asleep. Of course I also sang I keep waiting to have a cross burned on my lawn. Yeah, you really have to experience that. Like in the song a painful rendition of their version of “Down Home Girl” – one Well I think that speaks volumes about the kind of town Methamphetimine, you really had to have knocked on that of the sexiest damn songs I’ve ever heard – at Jeremiah’s Open that you live in. I recently came to Paducah for the first time trailer door to know what’s on the other side. To know how loud Mic Night, and that’s a memory best forgotten. the weekend of the 4th of July. We woke up that morning, my the TV is and how smoked out the place is, and how you can run So when I heard that Old Crow Medicine Show was coming wife and I, and we said, “Hell, let’s go up to Southern Illinois, your finger over the wall and it’s just black from the grease of to Murray’s own Lovett Auditorium on Saturday, November the Shawnee National Forest, we’ve never been and god it’s so the way she cooks, the way she lived. 21st, not only was I painfully excited about seeing them live close.” We stopped in Paducah for the day and night, and had Yeah, I’ve seen that. Walked into trailers with people who again, I also hoped and prayed that I would get an interview... just a great time. We really like that town. Went to the antique haven’t slept in days and highchairs with burnt tinfoil on and I did. stores, the quilt museum, the bakery, the art gallery downtown, them, it’s disturbing. If you aren’t familiar with the band, you should be. Roll- the Farmer’s market...had a picnic on the levy, ate chow chow Well, you are in Kentucky. ing Stone has described their music as “old time string music and tomatoes. We brought our dogs. And then we took the little Hey! (laughs) But that was my next question, that song, and punk swagger” as well as hillbilly, Americana, bluegrass, one lane bridge over to Brookport Illinois, over into Indian Methamphetimine, is very powerful. Who wrote it and what and alt-country. Made up of Ketch Secor, , Kevin Country. It was great. was the inspiration? Hayes, Morgan Jahnig, and ; the guys throw every- I did, with David Rawlings. Nothing in particular, just a thing from fiddles, slide guitar, , harmonicas, standup “I learned this really great word, composite of cookers, crooked police officers...to me I really bass, and even a guitjo into their ass-kicking, foot-stomping felt it coming into my head when I was up in eastern Ky, near music. They’ve been at it for over a decade, and went from ‘Canadiana.’ - I think that’s how I Boone, where we used to live. But no coal where we lived, busking on street corners to being the band that really ushered want to be described from now on. that’s the great thing about East Tennessee, you can find a place the old-timey music sound into Nashville. with no coal around, that’s not destroyed. Coal kills everything, Imagine taking a bunch of wild-ass, hillbilly boys strumming Fuck that Americana bullshit...I’m everything it touches. Cultures, school systems, freedom of dance music in smoky mountain barns at the turn of the last Canadiana.” speech – a lot of those commodities do that. So I wanted to pit century and smacking them down into a lifestyle of playing dive meth, coal, and Appalachia together in that song. The thing is, if bars in the crack part of town and hustling music for money in Ketch Secor, OCMS meth took the form of an act of god, it wouldn’t be a hurricane, dark alleys all over America for a few years and this is what you That’s a scary bridge, dude. it would be a twister. get – hell-raising songs about running drugs down I-65 and soul- Yeah that is a scary bridge. Did you grow up in coal country? ful heartbreaking ballads about meth that sound like they could So, you’re in Virginia getting ready for the show tomor- I’ve lived in a lot of different places growing up, and it really be coming out of a radio in 1924. row? helped form me. New Orleans, South Carolina, Virginia, St. Their latest album, Tennessee Pusher, was released this fall Yeah, we’re in Virginia, not really getting ready for the show, Louis – it all helped to steer me in the direction of wanting to be and is the first one that features mostly original music. Ketch Se- though. We’re getting ready for the show in Murray. a part of music, inspired me to do a lot of reading and travel- cor, vocalist on “Wagon Wheel” and the man behind the fiddle Oh, hush. So, a lot of your new songs are very outlaw, ing, reading a lot of Walt Whitman, wandering...and of course and harmonica, was kind enough to chill with me on the phone a hellbent for sinnin’ kind of tunes. Is that from life experience we were out on the road with Old Crow in that way, it was so bit and tell me a little about where their inspiration comes from, or just a modernization of the old rumrunner and bootlegger much like a beat poem, but instead of jazz it was old time fiddle the resurgence of old-time music in Nashville, and even about tales? music. his recent day trip to our lovely little town of Paducah. Well I definitely have experienced, watched from the side- I love old beat stuff, I even named my son after Jack Hey Ketch! I’m Bella from Bazooka Magazine and I just lines with great wonder, episodes like the ones described on the Kerouac. want to let you know, I’m a little nervous. Tennessee Pusher record, and found myself in lots of sketchy Really? That’s cool. Now why ever would you be nervous? situations. We always did, of course, because we were play- You guys really ushered in this explosion of Americana, Well, ‘cause I’m a fan! My 5-year-old is a fan, he loves ing on the street corners, going back to $23 motel rooms in the bluegrass, old-timey music, and I think you really do it Wagon Wheel, he calls it “the rock me momma” song. crack part of town – so the scene we were apart of was very bus better than anyone. So is Nashville overrun now, everyone Yeah, we’re big with the 5-year-old set. station. I don’t know who else in Nashville, or who at the CMA coming in to town with a fiddle and a ? He likes “Tell it to me” (a song about cocaine) also, that’s awards can claim that, but we sure as hell can. We were on the Definitely a lot more than when we first came to town. All 9 there was when we got to town was bluegrass, wasn’t any old Old Crow Medicine Show. Many of us, timey music, as least as far as we could find. But this stuff members of the Old Crow, are going to be comes in waves. In the big picture, nobody is really responsible, joining (singer of “Didn’t nobody can really claim it, ‘cause it’s folk music, and we’re just Leave Nobody But the Baby” and “I’ll Fly a part of it. The force of the music that we play is so much stron- Away” on the O’Brother, Where Art Thou? ger than anything you could do with a lifetime because it’s a soundtrack) on a tour that’s in support of composite form of so many lifetimes, so many people. So many the new Dave Rawlings record, his first voices have been lended to the big song of American folk music. solo effort. There’s a Louisville date and a You could say “Oh there weren’t any old time string bands Nashville date, so if anyone in Paducah or at the turn of the 21st century in Nashville, and it’s kinda true, Murray is of such a mind... His new record we felt like we were the only ones. But you know 25 years ago is incredible, really great. Or come catch John Hartford was coming into town saying the same thing, that some crow in December. everyone was playing bluegrass. Of course John plays great Okay, indulge me. I know you opened too. I think that as time has moved along from for Dolly Parton one time, and my friends the big bang of Lennon/ McCarthy and Chuck Berry, music has and I just love her. So, was she as sweet in gotten so compartmentalized. And I don’t’ really understand person as she seems? why. I know that we don’t’ really play a lot of bluegrass music, Yeah, she’s great. My wife just got a and that’s because bluegrass is really specific...but sometimes letter from her, actually. Dolly’s really we play a bluegrass tune and sometimes we play a jug band tune involved in literacy programs around the and sometimes we play an old time string sound or folk music or world. When it all started she just wanted whatever. to know that the kids in Pigeon Forge had a But there’s all these different kind of genres that make up...I world-class library. Since then she’s started mean I kind of eschew the word “Americana”... You know I the Imagination Library that has brought heard a wonderful word just yesterday, someone was talking books to kids around the globe. And my about how they’re running the Olympic torch to Vancouver for wife is a fiction writer, her book just came the winter games, and it started in Old Crow. They flew this out. She was a speechwriter for the governor torch, I guess from Athens, to this little town in the Yukon called and met Dolly through that, and Dolly really Old Crow, right up against Alaska...it’s the Northern-most Indian liked the book. So we got a really nice letter community in the nation of Canada. I’d love to play there, in with butterfly stationary and the return ad- Old Crow...but I learned this really great word, “Canadiana” – I dress says DP. It was unreal. Actually, the think that’s how I want to be described from now on. Fuck that book has a lot of Paducah and Cave-In-Rock Americana bullshit...I’m Canadiana. in it. It’s called Reasons for and Advantages Oh that’s a great quote; I’m so using that. So, guys have a of Breathing, and her name is Lydia Peelle. live DVD that just came out, so we need to tell everyone that I just did a story on Cave-In-Rock! if they can’t make it to the show, they have to buy it. The bloody pirate history of the Harpe If the winter comes on hard like it’s supposed to and and Potts gangs, I love that stuff. Paducah gets all socked in and you can only make it out to the Yeah, what a town. That ferry, huh? Did liquor store for a carton of USA Gold’s and a couple of cans of you dig it? burgoo, then make sure you pick up the Old Crow DVD and it’ll Oh, I know. I didn’t know they still did that stuff, so cool. keep you warm all winter long. So, how does the book have Paducah and Cave-In-Rock in Well you guys are also playing at the Ryman in Nashville it? on New Year’s Eve, I bet that’s exciting. It’s about a lot of Southern places, about how social events Ringing in the New Year at the Ryman, it’s one of those gigs of the past 100 years have shaped and re-shaped towns like that means so much to you, that shows how far you’ve come. It’s Paducah and towns on the river that are so bound by the river, symbolic of a whole lot of things. It’s not just how far our band yet now pay more respect to the interstate. (Towns) that have has come, it’s how far appreciation for acoustic music has come. more commerce because of a road that’s not even forty years This is a really great time to strum a banjo. I don’t think there’s old instead of a river that’s 40 million years old. But yeah, it’s a really been as good a time to pluck a banjo since Lester Flatt great book, a short story collection. was hiring. Awesome, I’ll be sure to check it out. And I’ll bring some I got to see you guys play at the Ryman last fall, that’s copies of this paper to the show for you guys. such a magical place. I’ll admit, I was a little drunk and Yeah, why don’t you and Jack come up and say hi? when Wagon Wheel came on I totally cried. It’s just such an I used to have a talent for that in my younger years, important song to my kids and me. always figuring out how to meet the bands. I have a picture No, that’s great. It’s a lot of peoples’ song, that’s why it’s of me on Reverend Jim’s lap. there...for people like you and Jack, and the girl last night who That’s why you’re in the press. had a grandson whose onesie I signed. I had songs like that ‘Cause I’m sneaky. when I was a kid, songs that brought me closer to my family Oh, I have to give a shout out to my boy, Colonel J.D. Wil- and my mother. Songs that I just assumed that she wrote. ‘Cause kes. where else would it come from? You didn’t know anything about I was just going to mention him! the radio when you were a kid, you just knew your mom’s voice, Yep, he’s the new Duke of Paducah. and what came out of her mouth was the truth. I thought she Well darlin’ I appreciate the time, and it was wonderful 314 N. Sixth St. wrote all those songs she sang. Now I really love Irving Berlin talking to you! for it. No problem, and thanks for the press up there in the big city Paducah,KY 42001 I sing mine Wagon Wheel and Don William’s “Good Old on the river.... Tammy Sills, CEO Boys.” Pretty badass, right? I think so. When my son got home, I Yeah, you’ll have to read him some Uncle Remus while said, “Guess who I just talked to? The singer of your favorite email: [email protected] you’re at it. I love that song, too. song, Wagon Wheel. He even said you should come say hi to So, the most important question...I noticed that the Mur- him at the concert.” And Jack looked up at me with huge eyes ray date is your last show for a while. Does that mean we get just shining and said, “How did he know I was his biggest fan?” to go out and party at The Big Apple Cafe afterwards? And I just laughed. Hmm...that sounds like fun. Actually, we do have another But maybe he knows now. tour coming up that you don’t know about ‘cause it’s not the 10 Caught Ya, Lushes Photos by Bella and Ginny For more pics check out Bella Bazooka’s page on Facebook - lots of fun stuff! 11

Shana McCoy’s Bitchin’ Bazooka Makeover We know that the chick rockin’ bass guitar for the Hi-Fi Ninja is a total hottie, and now so do you! Sorry boys, she’s married. (See story on page 16.) photo by Keith Ford

Before After 12 Momma knows best: Pat Duncan gets a new shot, and it ain’t bourbon. by Bella

Ah, Pat Duncan. Where in the hell do you begin with Pat next day I was working just hungover as can be. Duncan? As someone who has known her intimately for over Hell I felt like my face was bleeding and I just a decade (and by intimately I mean she has felt me up about a felt like shit when Tom Sanders (the owner of thousand times) – I know that there’s not enough room in this Jeremiah’s at the time) came in and I said “What paper to tell all the wonderful stories about her and her life. are you doing here?” He said, “I thought I’d But that’s why you go to her new bar...to sit down and order a just come down for a bloody mary.” And I said, beer and just let words of wisdom and filthy jokes roll over you. “What a coincidence, I need one too!” She’s gone by many names, some call her Patricia, some call “So I made us both a Bloody Mary and we sat her Duncan, and she even used to have a nameplate that said there and had our drink together. Turns out Sally, “Bar Goddess” – but most call her Mother. Seriously. She has the manager at Jeremiah’s, had sent him down been a momma-figure for many patrons over the years. Well, a here to check me out; she thought they should momma that makes you drink shots of tequila chased with pickle hire me. Well had I known he had come down juice. I know, it sounds disgusting, but it’s really good! there to offer me a job ya think I would have had Recently Pat opened her very own bar, Mother Duncan’s, in a drink with him? Good god! But he came back the old Jeremiah’s building. Many people were sad to see such and told Sally “Hire her ass!” an amazing institution like Jeremiah’s close – it was an old cozy It was the first time she went to work for the place with brick walls, stained glass, an ancient mahogany bar downtown crowd. and the ghosts of many good times and people that were very “When I first came here I was intimidated as loved. hell. ‘Cause there was a whole different crowd And Pat, who was the bartender there for over 20 years, than I was used to working with. Of course, once wasn’t ready to let it go either. She put on her big girl panties I’d been here a while I figured out they were just and with the help of her friend Michele Thomas has been bust- like everybody else.” ing her ass to get the place up and running. “One time they stole the popcorn machine Pat grew up in West Paducah and started bartending in 1976, from me, the little bastards. Hell they left a trail when she was barely 21-years-old. of popcorn all the way out the damn door, it “I was out of work and had a child I was trying to raise on stopped at a parking space where they put it in the my own, and a friend of mine who was working at a hotel bar car and left. I still never found out who did it.” said, ‘If you go buy a pair of black pants and a white shirt I’ll It’s shocking that no one ever got drunk and hire you.’ I had ten dollars to my name, and at that time it was fessed up to it, or at least broke down and said just enough to buy the white shirt and black pants, and the rest is they knew who did it. history,” she said. “Now I’d just like to know! Hell, I’d offer photo by Brian Steffen She worked at Ichabods, which was located in a hotel that a reward or a drink or something. I used to do a thing, long And they came. was most recently a retirement home across from the Taco time ago, people would steal glasses all the time. Well, it got “Oh my God, I’m so overwhelmed by it. I am so pleased. John’s on the Southside. so expensive to keep buying glasses, that about once a month The first night we were open, without any advertising at all, this “Oh lord, I didn’t know anything! Someone would look at I’d tell people to bring me back all the bar glasses and I’d give place looked like Friday night in the old days. me wrong and I’d cry. I was so shy,” she said, “And I thought, ‘I ‘em a free drink. They’d come in with Kroger bags just full of And all the customers...oh, I’m gonna cry... that have been don’t know any of this stuff!’ But I learned pretty quick.” glasses and be like, ‘Okay, where’s my drink?’ But hell it was a comin’ out for the past 20 years, they showed up and gave me so Those were the crazy days of disco, and back then Paducah lot cheaper than buying new glasses all the time.” much support. I’m just absolutely amazed.” was a hell of a place to come get your freak on. It still hasn’t sunk in yet that she owns her own bar. “The thing that everyone said was that they were so glad that “When I first started bartending all the salesmen would come “ It’s not real yet. It’s not. I still feel like I’m working for I did it, that I was the one that opened it back up. They could to town. And they were just wild, I mean, it was like they were someone else. I can’t explain it.” see walking in that I cared about the place enough to fix it up, to in heat! They all said Paducah was such a party town, that they “Sometimes I have to walk out front to see my name up make it look nice, knowing that I cared enough to clean it up and wanted to hurry up and get done with work so they could just there. Actually, I did that the other day. Bill Brandt was sitting make it a good place for them.” play.” here and he made some smartass comment and I said, ‘Could “I want everyone to come in here and have a good time. I’ve “Of course times have changed, laws have changed. Now you wait just a minute?’ And he said ‘Where you going?” and I always said, you can buy a six-pack and sit on your front porch there are stiffer penalties for drinking and driving, and we have said, ‘I just want to walk out front and see if it’s got my name or and drink it at home, it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than going to a to be careful of how much we serve people. Of course it was your name out on that sign.’ That sonofabitch.” bar. Or you can go to any bar in town. But it’s up to me to make nice when I worked at the hotels cause you could just send them It wasn’t until after Jeremiah’s closed that she really started sure they have a good time. And I said I want everybody to up to their room. And there were many times when I would thinking about buying the place. know that. I want everyone to know that they can come here and wake up in one of those hotel rooms!” “It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but it’s always just feel at home at Mother’s.” Over the years she worked at many of the famous bars been talk. And it was time for it to be action. I’m proud that I And she means it. I worked at Jeremiah’s on and off for over around town. She worked at Ichabods, the bar at the Best West- did it. I mean, I want it to work for myself, but I really want it to 10 years, and in that time Pat Duncan became like a second ern, Rolling Hills Country Club and the Pines. work for everyone who works here. And I want it to work for the mother to me. Her and Julie, who sadly passed away this past “I even did a two month stint at the Long Branch! Hell, I did customers. I want them to be happy. I don’t want to go through spring, not only helped me through a million dark times but a one-night stint at the 10th Street Club (a bar in the rough side those days ever again when the customer wasn’t treated as they also taught me a lot about loving life, about being there for your of town that at one point had strippers, female and male). I was should be.” friends, and about taking care of people. Not only that but they like...oh hell what have I gotten myself into. I’m just not tough “My number one priority is them. I want them to be able to were some funny motherfuckers who have made my life brighter enough to work here.” come here and sit back there in my living room. Have you seen and made me laugh ‘til I about pissed myself. But then one day Pat set the tone for her next gig, by drinking it? There in front of the fireplace I have big comfy couches and So whether you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to on the job. a TV and a coffee table, and that coffee table is there for them to make you laugh ‘til you cry, there’s no one like family. There’s “I was working at the Twinkling Star before I came here. One prop their feet up on. They can even hold the remote. no one like Mother. day I went in to work, and I had been at Jeremiah’s the night “I want everyone to be comfortable. I want them to feel like before, of course just drinking and partying my ass off, and the they’re comin’ home to see momma for goodness sake.” 13 14 d d A Hot Time On Cold Nights d d by Bella You can’t go one day in this town without hearing about some to help in one way or another. It’s amazing to see how generous event Ronnie McCoy is trying to promote...and that’s because he people naturally are.” busts his ass at it. Along with friend and partner Corey Richards, “ Some financial backers have decided to remain anony- the two have been working hard on Freezor Pop Fest, a two- mous,” said Ronnie, “but we’ve definitely had some help. Not day musical extravaganza (insert jazz hands here) that will take enough to where we’re sitting around saying ‘Hey what can we place on December 11th and 12 and features an acoustic night do with this huge pile of money’ - we basically figured up what with performers Animal Crackers, Bryan Moore, Anchor in the we would need and told people what we were doing and the ones Valley, the Betty Rats, Abby Potts, and Adam Grant, and a punk/ who donated financially paid exactly the amount we needed for metal night with Parasite Diet, Be My Doppleganger, Middle different expenses. At this point our sponsors are the Law Of- Clash Trash, Hi Fi Ninja, the Wish You Weres, and Desperate fice of Andrew T. Coiner, TGIFridays, Comcast Cable, Harpers Measures. Country Hams, Jolly Roger Tattoo, and Area 51 Game Center. Both Corey and Ronnie have been around the local music But keep in mind not all sponsors are financial. Some just helped scene for years, but currently Corey plays with the Wish You us promote in one way or another. We’ve also had a ton of Weres and Parasite Diet and Ronnie plays guitar and screams people help by putting the flyer on their Myspace or mentioning “fuck” a whole bunch for Hi Fi Ninja. Together they also rap in it here and there or passing out flyers.” a side project that basically makes up jingles for local businesses That’s one thing you have to love about this scene, one thing that don’t want them to. Really vulgar, offensive, funny-as-shit that I’ve noticed, that people will help promote each other jingles that sound like The Jerky Boys meets the Beastie Boys. whether it’s by hooking you up with a phone number or repost- Look up Produkt Plasemint on Myspace - you will piss yourself. ing your shit on Facebook or just telling people about the shows. “Early on I was really into the local bands, they are basically “There are a few people like Gabe Camacho, who is really trying what inspired me to write my own songs. Bands like Ozone Kite, to give us somewhere to play and supports local talent with his Meanson, The Inflatable Dates, and Room 27, these were local open mic nights, and that’s fantastic,” said Ronnie. “And Andrew dudes writing their own shit, and it really got me wanting to do Coiner has really stepped up and has been a big supporter of it, too. Then Tony Foo Yong basically took me under his wing local music with his Porkstock event, and of course Bazooka (and taught me) how, where, when, how much to promote. I Magazine and Adam Shull have all given us spotlights. 106.7 thought it was awesome that he was just putting on the show and has their Locals And Legends show that showcases local bands. not playing,” said Ronnie. There could be more, but I wont go into all that. I am very happy After helping with uber-event Porkstock this past summer, to see the things around here that do help our little community Ronnie started thinking about a Christmas show. And since keep going.” Corey has some experience in charity work with the Youth Toler- “There’s a lot of talent in this town,” said Ronnie. “I’m trying ance Organization, the guys came up with a plan to help out... to get more into promoting other band’s shows, whether that and ROCK OUT! (Insert cheesy fist-pumping motion here. No, means mentioning it on Facebook, creating an events page, or not that kind, you pervert.) mass emailing people. I think people need to know about how “This event will directly benefit one family provided to us fucking awesome these bands are, Animal Crackers, Middle through the Salvation Army,” said Corey. “We will also be Class Trash, the Union Suit, The Wish You Weres...the list goes making donation to Ronald McDonald House charities, Martha’s on and on, and I just want to get as many people to these shows Vineyard, and we are an official drop-off point for Toys For as possible.” Tots.” It’s guys like these that are really working to make the music The guys decided to split the work fifty-fifty, with Corey scene thrive in this town, and I think that’s something we can all working with the charities and booking the bands and Ronnie be thankful for. Well, that and their killer rap skillz. And guys, I finding sponsors and setting up the venue. totally expect a Bazooka jingle for this. “Our main team is Ronnie McCoy, Shana McCoy, Josef Rumsey, Maddye Johnson, and myself,” said Corey. “We operate Tickets are only $10 and include both nights! You can buy them www.jilltanner.com under the names of the Paducah Promotions and the Youth Toler- at Etcetera Coffee House or order them online at ance Organization. Beyond that it almost seems like everyone [email protected]. Bring toys and canned goods to 270-349-3806 jill@jilltanner. who has caught wind of the event has taken it upon themselves help out needy families. 426 Broadway, at the old Unga Bunga. AAA Tattoo Company Gilea N Artist N (270) 442-6009 1731 Irvin Cobb Drive 15 Put A Little byScrew Bella Mall Traffic - Buy Local!

Love In Y I hate driving to the mall on any day, much items you can get for as little as $3 each, and downfall) for $3.75. They are so rich and less around Christmas season. It’s worse than the lady who runs it is willing to work with yummy they will last you for days! Your Heart driving through Lone Oak, and I freaking hate you on the prices a little bit. And if you want Groundfloor(206 Broadway) – I’ve been driving through Lone Oak. Um, there’s a turn to splurge (or your boyfriend to splurge) they a huge fan of this little shop since before there Help Those In Need lane, idiot, use it. have some of the most beautiful pieces I have was anything else in downtown. I love the way by Bella If you haven’t been downtown in a while, ever seen. And they have layaway! it smells when I walk in, like leather, coffee you’re probably not aware that there are some Studio 7 – Located right next to Etcetera and incense. They are one of the oldest inde- delightful little shops that sell inexpensive Coffee House on 6th St., Tammy Sill’s Studio pendent Birkenstock dealers in the country, but Benefit for Don Gibson – Don is a items that would be perfect to buy as gifts for 7 has everything from Pride jewelry and hand- also have a wide selection of Indian and copper local man who was in a terrible motorcycle friends for Christmas. crafted rugs to these wonderful little handmade jewelry, organic goods, and cute little stick- wreck on September 21st. He suffered severe Here are a few: cake soaps that sell for $3 and are a perfect gift ers and knickknacks. They have some lovely head trauma, and is currently drawing un- The Chocolate Factory – One of the first to stock up on for friends. My favorites are the necklaces and earrings in the $5 - $20 range, employment and has no health insurance. So places I stop is this local candy store, located French Lilac and the Lathered in Chocolate – and they are some of the nicest people you will Kilroy and Phyllis, owners of KC’s Rec Room, in Market Square, because along with buying and who doesn’t want to smell like something ever meet. are sponsoring an event on Saturday, Decem- little boxes of cutely-shaped gourmet choco- good to eat? So my suggestion is to grab a few of these ber 5th from 1 p.m. to 5 p.m. that will include lates, I can get a white chocolate pop to nibble Artisan Kitchen (1704 Broadway) – little items and put them in gift bags that you watching the UK/North Carolina basketball on while I walk around. They make them in Speaking of yummy things to eat, this little can get two for a dollar at places like The Dol- game, a fish fry, a 50/50 drawing, and a raffle. a myriad of designs, from trains to trucks to gourmet food caterer and cafe has some of the lar Tree and then you have something on hand So go cheer for the Cats and eat some yummies moons and teddy bears. My children love them, best desserts you’ve ever had the pleasure of to give your friends, especially when they say, for a good cause! and at less than $2 each they are a great little to putting in your mouth. I swear I don’t mean for “Oh, I have your present!” and you’re like, drop in a gift bag. all this stuff to sound so naughty! But maybe “Shit. I didn’t get them anything.” Now you Paducah Area Sexual Assault Victorian Parlor (210 Broadway) – One of I do, because some of their specialty cheese- can look all thoughtful and sweet and you’re the rollergirls turned me on to this place after cakes, cookies and brownies are so good they supporting our advertisers and local businesses. and Child Advocacy Center - This they found vintage stockings for $5. I went in are sinful. They will be featuring sweetbread That’s okay, you can thank me later...preferably wonderful charity which helps victims of and was so tickled to find a huge selection of loaves like their pumpkin walnut cranberry for with a piece of cheesecake. sexual trauma is always in need of items such vintage costume jewelry (I’m a sucker for spar- $6.95 and thick slices of one of their 40 flavors as household supplies, art supplies (which can klies) priced at under $20. There are baskets of of cheesecake (snickerdoodle is my personal sometimes help children in their emotional recovery) and snacks. One of the best things you can do is buy a new teddy bear that will be given to comfort a child who has been through a horrific experience. It may not seem like much, but every little bit of kindness helps. So when you’re in the toy aisle buying gifts for the beloved children in your life, find the snuggli- est stuffed animal you can and take it to 1605 Carry Out and Catering to Simplify N. Friendship Road, behind Guy Gray. There’s Your Busy Life! Menus and Daily no sign, just a column with the house number. Specials Available Online. They sure would appreciate it. Or call me, I’ll come pick them up and deliver them. www.artisankitcken.net Merryman House – This local spouse 270-538-0250 abuse center is always in need and will accept donations of any kind, even used clothing and toys. This is pretty rare, most places want only new items. So just in time for Christmas, when you need to clean out your kid’s toy box to make room for all the new stuff they will be getting, be sure to bag up the old ones and donate them to a good cause. For drop-off info, call Tammie Lynne at 443-6001.

Heartland CARES is having their annual fundraiser in honor of World AIDS Day: Universal Access and Human Rights on Tuesday, December 1st, at Madison Hall, which is located at 919 Madison St. The benefit is called “Rouge – An Eclectic Evening of Des- sert, Fashion, Art and Soul.” Heartland CARES provides comprehensive, client-centered, qual- ity health care, support services, prevention education and HIV testing. For information or Come play your favorite games free tickets, please call Angie @ 270-444-8183. with us! Setup for xbox 360, wii, ps3, and many more! 16

(see pics on page 11) byShana Bella McCoy’s Bitchin’ Bazooka Makeover Have you ever checked out a really cute girl wearing an had a choice, she was like, “Nope, let’s go sexier.” Hell yeah! Seriously. But that’s not the best part of the story – the best part extra-large T-shirt and jeans, her hair in a ponytail, and no Then we chose a peasant girl costume at Creatures of Habit, was she had just gotten her car out of the shop from a previous makeup on and thought, man, what would she look like all tarted Natalya and Jack are always so helpful! We also found a little wreck three hours before. She wants me to make sure and tell up like a hooker? black strapless dress at a consignment shop for twenty bucks, everyone that the one before wasn’t her fault. Well that’s what I thought every time I hung out with Shana and borrowed some sexy accessories like belt and shoes from She said, “My car’s cute and dysfunctional, like me.” McCoy, bassist for local kickass band Hi Fi Ninja. Jessica and Carrie Stipp. But she was okay and we went upstairs to pose all slutty on Don’t get me wrong, she looks very cute in her black Chuck On the day of the shoot, we went to Al’s Ratt and Roll and dude’s bed. Eventually the guys from Animal Crackers came Taylors, but that girl was just screaming for a makeover! Like had Gil do our hair. I love Gil, we always have these conver- by to have their pics done, and we had an audience. They were Cher in Clueless, my main thrill in life is a makeover. It gives sations straight out of Sex in the City. Shana had never had tryin’ to act all cool, like they totally weren’t peeking in the me a sense of control in a world full of chaos. highlights, so we definitely had to give her some of those! I just doorway. Also it was a good excuse for a girly day! I knew I had the wanted my hair all “been in bed doing naughty things all day” – Jill Tanner was on hand to take the gorgeous pictures that photo shoot for the Win a Date with Bella posters coming up, so too bad I had to fake it! prove we actually got Ms. Official Tomboy ’09 in a dress. You I decided that she could be the girl tying up my corset. So she After that I sent Shana to Merle Norman to get her makeup can check out the before and after on page 11. Doesn’t she look and I spent about a week doing everything from costume and done by Amanda Canter, who did an excellent job! I loved her amazing? dress shopping to me doing some precision eyebrow plucking. eyes, all dark and smoky, it was just the look I wanted for her. And no, she didn’t win a contest or bribe me, it’s just very What can I say, I’m a girl of many talents. Then we headed over to Dustin McLain’s apartment, who had well-known that Shana is the coolest rocker in town and the First Shana had her very first manicure and pedicure by Kala graciously offered up his pad for us to take pictures in. But then sweetest person you will ever meet. She has to be to put up with Noles at Creative Touch Nail Salon, which is inside Express Tan again, what 21-year-old guy wouldn’t want a couple of half-na- Ronnie. Just kidding, dude! on southside. She texted me right after and said, “That was fuck- ked hot older women frolicking around his bedroom? Did I say You can see all kinds of hot pictures from the shoot on ing amazing! I need to do this all the time!” Of course she has older? I meant experienced. And did I mention hot? Facebook – check out Jill Tanner’s page. We had a blast doing it, her nails done slut-red. Then disaster struck. As we were waiting for Jessica to show and now that posters are up all over town with me looking like a That was one thing that surprised me; I thought she would go up and help out, standing out front of the building smoking, we trollop, I have to say that I couldn’t have had a better partner in for all these nice-girl type colors and styles, and every time we watched Jessica’s little blue VW bug smash into an ambulance. crime.

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Good Times – Entertainment and People

Best Festival or Event______The Best Of Paducah Best Band (Original)______Are you bored? Do you like sharing your opinion? Or are you just ready to prove to all the other alkies at the bar that Pizza by the Best Band (Cover)______Pound has the best pizza in town? Personally, I prefer Michael’s. The Best Waterin’ Holes See, we’re fighting already! Best DJ ______Welcome to the first ever Bazooka’s Best of Paducah poll. We Best Neighborhood want to know everything from the silly stuff, like the best place to Best Band Name______cougar hunt, to the serious stuff, like who has the strongest drinks Bar______in town. That’s pretty important to brokeass people like me. We Best TV Personality______even have senior superlatives like best body and class clown! I don’t Best Happy Hour______know why, we just felt like it. Best Radio Personality______Now, please understand, this is the first time we’ve done this. So Strongest Drinks______cut us a little slack if we leave some obvious and glaring things out. We will totally take some constructive criticism and suggestions for Best Local Writer______next year. Best Bartender______After you fill it out (and no, you don’t have to fill it out complete- Best Local Artist______ly) - tear out this page and take it to Mother Duncan’s, Fat Moe’s, Classiest Joint______Karson Kelley’s Salon, Crash Comics, or Roof Brothers on Park Most Entertaining Politician______Avenue and let your voice be heard! Best Dive Bar______But you only have two weeks – all votes must be turned in by Best Photographer______December 7th! Hopefully we’ll have all the votes tabulated and Best Drink______have the results in the next issue. That’s only if we get a couple of hundred votes. If all 3000 readers turn one in...uh, it might be the issue after that!

The Best Places to... Class Favorites – Senior Superlatives!

Granted, we don’t all know the same people – but we know a lot of the same people! I’ll prob- Best Place to Cougar Hunt______ably list a few from each category. I totally won Most Unforgettable in high school – we took my picture with a bull whip. Best Place to Meet Single Women______

Best Place to Meet Single Men ______(Male) (Female)

Best Make Out Spot______Friendliest ______Friendliest ______

Best Place to Enjoy Nature______Most Popular______Most Popular______

Best Place for a Day Trip______Sexiest ______Sexiest ______

Best Place to Find Cool Stuff______Best Scene Spirit______Best Scene Spirit______

Best Cheap Thrill______Best Looking______Best Looking______

Best Place to People Watch ______Best Smile______Best Smile______

Best Overnight Trip______Best Eyes______Best Eyes______

Best First Date______Best Body______Best Body______

Best Coffee Shop______Best Sense of Humor______Best Sense of Humor______

Best Book Store______Most Fashionable______Most Fashionable______

Best Place to Take the Kids______Most Unforgettable______Most Unforgettable______

Best Gallery______Most Reliable______Most Reliable______

Best Salon______Biggest Flirt______Biggest Flirt______18

The Yummies Category:

Best Burger ______Best Fine Dining______Best Pizza______Best Bar food______Best Burger______Best Desserts______Best Mexican ______Best Buffet______Best Steak______Best Sandwiches______Best Pasta ______Best Seafood______Best Soul Food______

Best Asian______270-442-0197 Stylists Alvin Champion & Gil Dycus Okay, now you can tell us a little bit about yourself! Getting some demographics would really help us get advertisers, and that would mean we could have more pages and stuff! You know you want some more wonderful Bazooka, admit it, we won’t tell anybody... Happy Holidays

You don’t have to give us your name, just a little info!

Age:______

Sex (And don’t put yes please)_____

Occupation:______

Location:______

Rent or Own:______

Marital Status:______

Children: ______

Where do you find Bazooka?______

Hobbies and Interests:

Fave Places Around Town:

Tell some things you love and hate about this town:

Give us some feedback about Bazooka! What you like, what you don’t like, and what you want to see!... Roof Brothers 19 Turns Out You Can Buy Class... For Twenty-Five Bucks by Bella Everyone knows I go back and forth on the whole Lower- those myths in a fun party-type atmosphere,” said Nikki May, a as well. If you are an aspiring artist and would like to have a Town Arts thing. When the artists first started coming to town, it volunteer and artist participating in the event. wonderful chance to meet people who are interested in art (and felt like they were being a little pretentious and pretty much say- Events like these have been successful in larger cities, and maybe even make a little cash money, baby) – you have until 4 ing, “Oh, you poor ignorant yokels, you should be so thankful with art starting at $25, the organizers are hoping that people p.m. Monday, November 23, to submit your work for the show. we’re saving this intellectual and artistic wasteland of yours.” will think of buying art not only for themselves but also as The only requirement is that the work needs to be priced from Of course, I can be pretty defensive. Christmas gifts for others. $25 to $500. I am so tempted to paint my boobs and squish It wasn’t just me, a lot of people felt that way. It’s not a big “Our main goal is to make people aware that art can be them on some canvas. For more information (about participat- news flash that there has been a little tension between the artists affordable for everyone. Nobody expects to buy a wall-sized ing in the event, not my boob art) - contact Jessica Perkins at and the locals. And that’s another problem. People group all the masterpiece for $25, but someone who may not be able to afford 444-8649. artists into one big entity when there are actually a lot of differ- a large oil painting from an artist they admire may be able to ent personalities and styles down there. I shouldn’t judge the afford a small watercolor,” said May. “The idea is to make art whole group just because some guy was being a prick. more accessible to people who may not be aware that they actu- So when it comes to that area, I’ve printed pieces that were ally can start small in collecting art and not be intimidated.” The First Ever Affordable Art Show a little smartassy and I’ve printed pieces that were supportive, And gallery shows perfected the art (hey, a little pun!) years Thursday, December 3, 2009 neither of which was written by me. The best thing I can think ago of tempting people to check out their work by bribing them 5-9 p.m. of to do is to be honest and fair, and give a little shit where it’s with treats...like booze! Philosophy Gallery, 333 N. 9th Street. deserved and stand behind things that I think are positive steps “Art, music, wine, hor d’oeuvres, people... (This will be) an in the right direction. Okay, admittedly, now I’m the one who introduction to what LowerTown has to offer to people who may sounds pretentious. Sigh. Oh well. I should really just stop try- not have experienced it,” said May. “We want people to realize At the time of printing, the following ing to explain how my fucked up mind works. that there are alternatives to shopping at the mall for holiday artists works are featured: One of those things that will give the community a chance gifts. We want to showcase local talent in a fun evening event. Char Downs to see the other side of our local arts district is the 1st Ever Think of it as an introduction to what you can find in Lower- Freda Fairchild Affordable Art Show. It’s sponsored by the Paducah Renais- Town and Downtown. See a small sampling in this show and Ike and Charlotte Irwin sance Alliance and is being held on Thursday, December 3rd at next time you come down, go to the rest of the galleries and see Paul Lorenz Philosophy Gallery. more!” Deb Lyons “We want to give people the idea that art accessible to ev- You know if anything advertises free alcohol I’m there. Hell, Nikki May eryone, no matter what their budget. We’ve heard from multiple Mom doesn’t need another robe for Christmas. Even if your Jerry Oliver sources, both locally and in the art world in general, that many mom might appreciate a carton of Virginia Slims and a box of Bill Renzulli people do not visit art galleries because they believe them to be wine more, get that hussy some art! Who says you cain’t buy John Romang snooty or intimidating, or they think they can’t afford anything. class? Julie Shaw With our Affordable Art Show, we hope to disprove some of They are including not only professional artists but amateurs

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