Give Em a Licking!

GIVE EM A LICKING!

HERE ARE A FEW IDIOTIC SAMPLES OF THE "MORE MAD MISCHIEF STICKERS" YOU'LL BE GETTING...

...ALONG WITH THE USUAL ARTICLES, AD SATIRES AND OTHER GARBAGE FROM PAST ISSUES IN... THE NINTH ANNUAL EDITION OF MORE TRASH FROM MAD ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FRIENDLY NEWSDEALER'S-AND ALSO AT SOME OBNOXIOUS ONES! NUMBER 106 OCTOBER 1966 VITAL FEATURES

'THE BUNCH" "Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg often (A MAD depends upon the chick he marries!"—Alfred E. Neuman MOVIE SATIRE)

WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor Pg. 4 JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLiN associate editors MARTIN J. SCHEIMAN lawsuits GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRILLO Subscriptions CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS

the usual gang of idiots THE DEPARTMENTS LIGHTER BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT SIDE OF MUSIC LOVERS The Lighter Side Of Music Lovers 16 Pg. 16 BOMBS AWAY DEPARTMENT "Twelve O'Crocked High" (A MAD TV Satire) 41

BRANDING IRONY DEPARTMENT A MAD Look At Trademarks 10 J=£ COURSE HUMOR DEPARTMENT THE Golf Foto-Plays 14 MAD AIR TRAVEL DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT PRIMER Late One Night 13 Pg. 21 Spy Stuff 24 The Bricklayers 48

GLUB-GLUB DEPARTMENT Scuba Diving (A Study In Depth) 25

GROUP THERAPY DEPARTMENT SCUBA "The Bunch" (A MAD Movie Satire) 4 DIVING (A STUDY JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT IN DEPTH) Spy Vs. Spy 20, 32 Pg. 25 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2

MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas by Sergio Aragones ** A ONE FOR THE ROADHOGS DEPARTMENT MAD MAD Visits A Typical Johnson Howard's 33 LOOK AT BATMAN R.I.P. KIRBY DEPARTMENT Obituaries For Comic Strip Characters 38 Pg. 36

TWO WRIGHTS MADE A WRONG DEPARTMENT The MAD Air Travel Primer 21

WEST-WARD-HO-HO! DEPARTMENT A MAD Look At Batman 36 "TWELVE *% O'CROCKED **Various Places Around The Magazine HIGH" MAD—Oct. 1966 Vol. I, Number 106, is published monthly except February, May, August and No­ (TV SATIRE) vember, by E. C. Publications, Inc., 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10022. Second Class Post­ age paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 21 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A., 21 issues $6.25. Allow 8 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright © 1966 by Pg. 41 E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. LETTERS DEPT.

TREAT YOURSHELF TO MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS!! LOUSED UP IN SPACE Your June issue was exceptional. I've just finished reading it, and I felt that I must sit down and write. "Loused Up In Space" was the best satire on television programs, or movies, or whatever that I've read in your magazine or any other for that matter. You really caught the idiocy of the program perfectly. Tom Tyson Oreland, Pa.

"Loused Up In Space" really loused up your magazine! It was the worst! M.C. Toronto, Ontario, Can.

Your whole premise was wrong! "Loused Up In Space" is not a juvenile counterpart of "Peyton Place"! Take an­ other look: seven castaways—four male and three female! It's obviously a science- fiction version of another idiotic show— "Gilligan's Island"! B. V. Davenport Toledo, Ohio

I've always thought that your Televi­ sion Satires were the funniest part of your magazine, but "Loused Up In Space" really took the cake. Congrats on showing up a perfectly ridiculous program. Kathy Jones Winston-Salem, N.G

I regret to say that "Loused Up In Space" was the worst MAD satire I have ever read. Richard Scollon use coupon or duplicate Dansville, New York NAME "Loused Up In Space" was fatal! Main­ ADDRESS. ly, I died laughing! Congratulations on MAD another witty success! CITY Fred Heintz 485 MADison Avenue, Cleveland, Ohio New York, N. Y. 10022 STATE. -ZIP-CODE. Dick De Bartolo and Mort Drucker make a great team! Let's see more of PLEASE SEND ME: • Like MAD • It's A World, World, etc., MAD them! • The Ides of MAD • Raving MAD Lisa Myers • The MAD Reader • Fighting MAD • DON MARTIN Steps Out Janesville, Wise. • MAD Strikes Back • The MAD Frontier • DON MARTIN Bounces Back • Inside MAD • MAD in Orbit • DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories • Utterly MAD • The Voodoo MAD • DAVE BERG Looks At The U.S.A. Try "12 O'Crocked High" in this issue!—Ed. • The Brothers MAD • Greasy MAD Stuff • DAVE BERG Looks At People • The Bedside MAD • Three Ring MAD D MAD's All-New "Spy-vs-Spy" THE FUNNY PARTS • Son of MAD • The Self-Made MAD Your TV satires, and Berg's-Eye Views • The Organization MAD • The MAD Sampler I ENCLOSE 50c FOR EACH: of "The Lighter Side . . ." are by far the funniest parts of your magazine. Elizabeth Wilson We cannot be responsible for cash On orders outside the U.S.A. be Sunset, Utah lost or stolen In the Mails. Check sure to add 10% extra. Allow at or Money Order preferred! least six weeks for delivery. AMERICAN MEDIOCRITY STUDENT PROTEST Why Lean On A Man "The American Mediocrity Academy" Usually, Dave Berg's aim is Dead- article was long overdue. The only thing Center in his sagacious "The Lighter Side wrong with it was that you did not tell Of . . ." pieces. However, in his article in Like Klopman? enough. Look at the American Theater! your July issue, "The Lighter Side Of In 1963 and 1964, no play produced was High School," he was uproariously funny worthy of a Pulitzer Prize. There does not and wrong at the same time: There just (Or Any Other Newsdealer, seem to be any place on Broadway for isn't any "lighter side" of High School! For That Matter?) original, serious drama these days. Look at Kay Killmer the field of Journalism! Most of our news­ Long Beach, California papers are a myriad of crime, sex, divorce, violence, comics, horoscopes, gossip col­ SUCKER PLAY umns, etc., where coverage of interna­ tional and domestic events is negligible. What about the Movies? We could cer­ I certainly agree completely with your tainly do without Beach Movies, Gidgets, article, "Advertising Campaigns With Tammys, and those tasteless Ross Hunter Ulterior Motives," wherein you state that sex comedies. The real tragedy is not in the American Public can be sold almost them, but in us. The reason mediocrity is anything. Just look at how many gullible produced is because we tolerate it. Medi­ people buy "MAD"! ocrities exist because we let them. Gary Croner Joan O'Connor Jamaica, New York New York City, N.Y. STEREOTYPE-CASTING

MIXING POLITICS WITH CAREERS "Stereotype-Casting" managed to walk the fine line between humor and bad taste in the dialect-joke field. Congratu­ After reading "Mixing Personal Poli­ lations on a brilliant piece! tics With Careers," I believe George Woodbridge and Frank Jacobs should be Charles J. Feltman commended. The article was one of your New York City, N.Y. greatest accomplishments in presenting a I would like to compliment you on true picture of different political points of your tremendous magazine. It has become view. The "Careers" were chosen with in­ a truly authentic picture of today's society. sight, and the writing and drawing were The article, "Stereotype-Casting" was one done with inspiration. of the best I've ever read. SUBSCRIBE TO Geoffrey Blood George Robbin Ridgewood, New Jersey Yellowknife, Canada

FUTURE WIT AND WISDOM BOOKS ANOTHER FAILURE-FOR MAD ... and get all our idiotic material by mail! Your "Future Wit and Wisdom Books" I began reading MAD when I was a was one of the greatest articles ever pub­ Freshman in High School. Since then, I use coupon or duplicate lished in your magazine . . . the best ever! have not missed a single issue. In a few Spencer Cherashore weeks, I will graduate—3rd highest in my Wynnewood, Pa. class of 317. My humble thanks for your MAD continuing inspiration. 485 MADison Avenue, Most of the time, I enjoy reading MAD Linda Tretheway New York, N. Y. 10022 —but your "Future Wit And Wisdom Muskegon, Michigan Books" was absolutely nauseating. In my I enclose $5.00*. Enter my name on your subscription TEACHERS' PET opinion, there is no humor in mass mur­ list, and mail me the next 21 issues of MAD Magazine. der (The Incomparable Wit Of Adolph I use MAD in a course in "Magazine Hitler) or in persecution (The Discrimi­ Editing" as an example of a successful NAME nating Humor Of Robert Shelton)! This publication based on fresh ideas. No other article was in extremely bad taste. ADDRESS course on this campus uses MAD as in­ CITY Sandra J. DuPont structional material. 'My students have the Santa Barbara, Calif. idea that Miss Johnson is an eccentric. STATE ZIP-CODE They may be right! AN ABSOLUTE MUST "Future Wit And Wisdom Books" was Miss Dorothy M. Johnson •In Canada, $5.00 in U. S. Funds, payable by International Money Assistant Professor Order or Check drawn on a U.S.A. Bank. Outside the U.S.A. and one of the funniest articles in a long time. Canada, $6.25, payable by International Money Order or Check drawn Writers Phil Hahn and Jack Hanrahan University of Montana on a U.S.A. Bank. Allow 8 weeks for subscription to be processed. did a great job in showing to what extent Missoula, Montana We cannot be responsible for cash lost or stolen in the mails, so money-grubbing book publishers might CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PREFERREDI go with this new gimmick. I started reading MAD when I was in Eric Bauman High School. Now, I am a teacher ... and Saginaw, Michigan I still read MAD! Could this mean any­ thing? Franny RESEARCH GRANT Keith Lindstrom Sacramento, California and It has occurred to me that in order for you to do your excellent satires on Movie It could mean—when this is published— and Television Dreadfuls, someone actu­ you're fired!—Ed. Zooey ally has to see the originals. May I express Yep, Franny Furd, and Zooey Greebish, and some Catcher my deepest sympathy. Please address all correspondence to: in Rye, N.Y., were the only three people to order these full-color portraits of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What— Mary Fox MAD, Dept. 106, 485 MADison Avenue Me Worry?'" kid last month. So if you'd like to keep us Denver, Colorado New York City, New York 10022 from becoming "J.D.'s"—send 25c for one (or 50c for 3) to: MAD, 485 MADison Avenue, New York, N. Y., 10022 GROUP THERAPY DEPT. Hey, Gang! Here we go with this "MAD Newsletter" treatment of one of the most ridiculous college farces in recent years. And we don't mean "Phone-Booth-Stuffing" or "Gold­ fish-Swallowing" ! We mean "Movie-Making" ... mainly the one they made about a group of graduates from a posh all- girl's school. First—so you can follow who's who—which is more than most people could do for the first half hour of the picture—we'd like to present the elite members of

FLAKEY... Mona Lisa of DUDDY...They told her PRISSY... She was a frail PILLY. ..She caused quite the smoking room! She was thin girls are more sensual, flower among the weeds... a commotion at Vassar when expelled from school for and she believed them-until a tender and sensitive child! she kept snapping wet towels kissing on her first date she saw her first stag movie Her face would break out in at everyone in the shower ... mainly for kissing Miss in the dorm, starring Phyllis a terrible blotchy red rash room-mainly because it was Tittle, the Dean of Girls! Diller doing a strip tease! during Final Exam week. the Princeton shower room!

BIG OPENING SCENE ! The girls of "The Bunch" were graduating !

And as we, the Class of '33, That's Well, she's certainly the most serious! Did you say the "Vassar" Class go out into these Depression Helluva! If she's so Why, listen to the courses she took: of '33! Oh, excuse me! I'm in the wrong place! The way these Years, it is up to us to help The most brilliant, "Advanced Croquet", "Contemporary girls look, I thought I was at the the poor and downtrodden brilliant why is she Sterling Silver", "Intermediate Harvard Graduation Exercises! who are less fortunate—less girl in reading her Snobbery" and "How To Talk To A wealthy than we! Like the our Vassar |speech from Maid"! The rest of us took silly, Vanderbilts, the Astors and Class of "Idiot meaningless courses! the Rockefellers . . . ! '33! Cards"? **

EBUNCARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: ARNIE KOGEHN

KAYO... Her marriage was PUKEY... Money, money, LIPPY... She lied, cheated, HELLUVA... She completely quickly destroyed by temper money! She was wealthy and screamed—even opened a mouth destroyed her face... which tantrums and infidelity... eccentric! For example, she and yelled a lot-anything to wasn't very beautiful to and her career was quickly actually hired a tutor to get what she wanted! But she begin with... when she used destroyed by sloppy direction help her cram... for the still couldn't get out of her it to block a punt during a and a terrible script. "TV National Health Test"! contract to play this role! Smith-Vassar Football game!

After Graduation, everybody attended THE CLASS DAY DINNER, where each of the members of "The Bunch" announced their plans for the future...

I'm I'm set as I'm giving Who'da thunk it? What Getting married?! I is* • going a technician Croquet I'm taking Flying are I have But Vassar never \f took , -5 into in a New York Lessons on Lessons! I hope your no plans! trained us for a Publishing! Medical Center! Long Island! I'm not a drop-out! plans. I'm that—to be a Correspon­ Tee-hee! Giggle! Kayo? getting woman and a wife! dence married! Course! KAYO'S WEDDING ! It was such a nostalgic affair ! She said, "I do !" and he said "I do !" It was nostalgic because that was the last time the two of them ever agreed on anything I

Look at It's just And that dark And that But the What groom? Come to think of She started that outfit! too much! Homburg—with tattoo on groom We're talking it, during Prom acting strange Week, she kept Black pants How unposh that ridiculous the forearm! isn't about Flakey— after she took asking me to that Freshman with Brown can you red tie! Who'da It's . . . dressed the leader of dance! And that suede shoes! get! thunk it? embarrassing! that way! "The Bunch"! Course— was in the dorm "Introduction —after the Prom! To Whipping"!

I'd like you to meet Dick!? Must be an Imagine going I don't Kayo said they Don't you get the impression "The Bunch"—this is What attention through life mean to be were going that Flakey is angry at Kayo Flakey, Duddy, Prissy, a getting with a stupid catty, but someplace cool and jealous of her marriage? Pukey, Grumpy, Sneezy silly device of name like Harold has and not far and Dopey! Girls— name! no money! from home! I some sort! that! Who'da ^ Why? She's Yeah- This is my husband's thunk it? Where are think they're best friend, Dick! they going going to spend throwing but hers on their two weeks in rice like is HOT honeymoon? his mother's the rest FRIED basement! of us? RICE!

Yep, it looked like Flakey was pretty upset at not being invited on Kayo' s honeymoon! Because, for spite, she decided to go off on one of her own...

There goes Flakey— That's just it! And they say Vassar girls They'll dive! Off on an ocean liner! She's hired this are snobbish and selfish! What's the big But that's the Have you How wild! How avant ocean liner to Look how democratic Pukey deal? Lots of Hudson River! forgotten? We're garde! How perfectly sail to The Bronx! is! She's tossing coins College girls The only natives in the middle posh! That girl will do Next week, she's into the water and letting take ocean > around here are of a Depression! anything to show off! cruising to Eui cruises to New Yorkers! Europe! Next comes the big SEDUCTION SCENE, in which we see the behavior of the kind of girl that comes out of an exclusive Finishing School as compared to, say, a cheap little High School "Drop-Out"

Gee, I've known What a life! All Why so much for gas? Oh, but they'll How you for eight the girls I want hear it from me! can you minutes—and Hey, you're —Vassar, Skidmore, That's half the say For my Suicide already I'm really no Smith, C.C.N.Y., kick—telling that? Attempts! Who alone in your Relax, different from Montauk Junior High the girls about Do they can stand living apartment! I Boston! it! Remember! any cheap High School! And this They School "Drop- quote like this? Kissing, wonder what "The "They do not love garret! Only $2.50 hugging—trying to won't Out" I've Shakespeare? Bunch" would say! that do not show a month, plus act suave in all hear it brought up their love." $35.00 for gas! this filth and mess! from me! here!

Lippy, the "Gossip" of "The Bunch" , had nice things to say about everybody ! To play her part, the Producers looked for someone with the biggest mouth around. But Cassius Clay and David Susskind both refused to act in drag...so...

Did you hear the Hot news from Prissy had Harold and Kayo had Helluva started I dunno, Pilly! I latest? Pukey Europe! Flakey's another a tremendous fight! some row in Rome! guess you caught broke out in now gallivanting miscarriage! Lots of hair-pulling, One day, she slapped What's me in one of my pimples! Listen, around in Spain! Oh, well— scratching, screaming, eight Italian men! ) wrong good moods! I'm I've seen her Oh, didn't you that's the and hysterical crying! Why? Because not with pretty catty on hear? She was complexion! It's way the cookie And poor Kayo got one of them would you, these phone banned in Paris! an improvement! crumbles! pretty upset, TOO! pinch her! today, calls usually! Next, Kayo and Harold threw a BIG PARTY ! It was a typical Vassar soiree. The discussions involved Roosevelt, Abstract Art, Machiavelli, Fallopian Tubes and George Bernard Shaw. These were discussed by the servants ! The Vassar graduates were too busy gossiping !

Look at that idiot Really? Twelve blocks That Pukey! Her parents' Yeah, but a in the Flying Suit! Where wealth is ruining her! She Messerschmidt?! Don't be silly! away on 53rd What's so Don't tell me! I does Street—but it's was always the "Republican" Last Tuesday, That's Pukey! She wrong about know! Flying Saucers she way over on the of "The Bunch"—but now she strafed has her own plane! her parents just landed and that's live? East Side and she's become a "F',r Connecticut- It only took her an buying her one of the pilots! you know that Rightist"! A FASCIST! And just for laughs! hour to fly here! a plane? slow cross- her parents buying her town traffic! that plane is what did it!

HAROLD, dissatisfied with KAYO'S f9 a week Suddenly, everyone started to leave ! And job at Macy's, decided to have an affair with with dialogue like that, who can blame them ! ? ! MURINE, who made $1,1 a week at Gimbels I

Wait! The party's not We heard But it Instead of Harold! You're right! After all, over! Aren't you going he was going to turns out his PLAY we You and Hey, that's Pukey's line I was Valedictorian! to wait around for the burn a script! he's going thought he Murine! Besides, in a dramatic Hey—I've got it! How scene where my That's why we to burn the was going to Who'da situation like this, you about "Oh, you men! husband refuses to waited around WRONG throw THIS thunk it? ought to be able to come E You're all alike!" read his play and THIS long! script! SCRIPT up with something clever! I burns the script in down the the incinerator incinerator! instead?

Next, LIPPY dropped her Editor and took up And, we found that PILLY had taken up with the with a Norwegian Ski Instructor I Editor that LIPPY dropped for the Ski Instructor !

Frigid Shows you what kind Pilly, I'm suffering from an That's all right, darling! A Ice of an education you anxiety neurosis, a compulsive Maiden! woman should share the bad get at Vassar! You neurosis, temper tantrums and times as well as the good! Why don't study Mediaeval schizophrenia! I'm morbid and you kiss Ceramics and melancholy and what's more me? Nietzche—but I black out a lot! But you don't understand! Arithmetic, they These ARE my good times! never teach you! Then, it was rumored that Pilly CONGRATULATIONS ! After two miscarriages, PRISSY gave birth had dropped the Editor, and was to a boy! Her husband, a modern Pediatrician, supervised I living with another man ! Is that clear, WHAT Mother What's that? Neither! It's a Another Nurse!? A bottle The baby's You call Chipped Yes, Doctor! and Baby?! graph of my man!? every hour- Feeding But I'm doing Beef On Toast I'll see That stuff movie career! HAH! plenty of blankets Schedule, all the exotic?! Tell you that Mother is for ME It's going It's my —soft music—74° or his housework, what, Dad! Let me and Baby —while I downhill with Father! room temperature Weight- Pilly! and pay you 250 an are taken relax in the this idiotic And he every night I hour! Just come —and have a Staff Lounge! Growth role—especially can't go care of! cook you in on Thursdays pacifier available! Chart"? after being so on living an exotic and do light brilliant in with me! gourmet cleaning! "A Patch Of dinner! Blue"!!

POOR KAYO I Her life was filled with Next, FLAKEY returned from Europe with a big surprise 1 danger ! Mainly, she got hit on the head a lot... THAT I can Her father is the No wonder Yeah! believe! What's famous ventriloquist! I get a Who did it, No .. . this report says that it Who'da hard to believe Maybe the rumor is mouthful of Kayo—that happened the day Hitler invaded thunk it! is that after true that during this splinters no-good Poland! Kayo stormed into a Flakey— 281 scenes, whole picture, she's every time husband German-American Restaurant, and holding she still been moving her I kiss her! of yours— tried to make a "Citizen's hands hasn't changed mouth—but he's been Harold? Arrest" of all the waiters! with a her facial doing her talking! Baroness! expression! SB

An untimely event now saddened "The Bunch" ! They got to see the rushes of the first month's shooting! But still they went on—with the big "Funeral Preparation" scene:

I realize this is a morbid task, girls! But it has to be done! Now, what do you think —embalmed or natural? IF BRANDING IRONY DEPT. ^ GM^© y°)®C^T

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ENOVI^ ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE Nam DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I ^o£

Well, I guess the only way I'm going to get any sleep is to use these new "Sleep-Eez" Ear Plugs...!

_, . COURSE HUMOR DEPT. GOLF Kid, I hope you understand, but I ^fy didn't make much money in this tournament, so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to "stiff" you! I PLAYS Gee, I knew when we signed up that Saturc morning back in August that there'd be < long wait to tee off, but this is ridiculous!

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.. . and if you let me make this putt, Lord, I promise I'll start going to Church again on Sunday Mornings! BERG'S EYE-VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER SIDE OF... MUSIC For our movie, I Good idea! And when we And let's not forget think we should appear on "Hullabaloo", "16 Magazine"! When use the Director we should insist upon they do our story, we the Beatles used! the Opening Spot! should make sure we're V featured on the cover!

Listen... Beg pardon, ol' You're both wrong! I'm afraid not! It's Hold it! Hold You're all wrong! Tchaikovsky's boy! It's Dvorak's It's Prokoviev's Cesar Franck's it! I'll settle It's the Symphonic Symphony No. 6/ Symphony No. 5! Classical Symphony, Symphony in D m this thing Arrangement of the The "Pathetique"! The "New World"! played by the Phila­ played by the New once and for Beatles' "I Want delphia Orchestra, York Philharmonic, all by looking To Hold Your Hand", conducted by Eugene conducted by at the played by the Boston Ormandy! Leonard Bernstein! record label! Pops Orchestra!

I'd like to That won't be necessary. That's Oh, I have an Whatever I CAN'T STAND, buy some Just give me a batch of very infallible I know he'll LOVE! Rock 'n' Roll the latest releases! I'll unique, system! records for my listen to them and make coming son's birthday! my choice. I'm quite an from an expert on this kind of music! adult! WRITER& ARTIST: DAVID BERG

LOVERNOW, all we gotta do is S learn to play these things!

i was an idiot! Here I go out and spent $500 on a Like an idiot, I hadda go out and spend $500 on a piano—and shell out $5 for a lesson every week ... piano—and shell out $5 for a lesson every week .., and I never, never, NEVER HEAR HIM PRACTISE!! just so he could drive me out of my mind with his practising . . . practising .. . PRACTISING!!

Harry, you gotta But I'm in a Get a load of that instrument It cost me What can I say? It's MUSIC!? Who cares come in my house hurry—Oh, all panel! Like a jet plane's ... a bundle beautiful! I don't about music!? I and see my new right! I know Stereo Indicator; Fine-Tuning of dough, blame you for being just like pushing Stereo-Multiplex how it feels Indicator; Speaker Switch; Bass but, man, so excited! I get BUTTONS!! Hi-Fi Phonograph to get something and Treble knobs; AM, FM, AFC, it was the same thrill from Component System! new! I wanna Phono and Auxiliary Switches; worth it! hearing good music! show it off, too! Earphone Output; Volume Control; Tape Recorder Input... the works! Hi, Dad! I'm rehearsing So It's this Friday night! We're playing May I But why, Dad? I know! That's why for a concert our school I The William Tell Overture by Rossini, ] beg off we're playing I'd rather not go! orchestra is giving! hear! Highlights from Carmen by Bizet, and this all the music The Peer Cynt Suite by Grieg. You'l time? you love! come to hear us, won't you?

Will wonders never cease! ? Take a look at that You gotta listen to this wild pair of Beatnik Teenagers! They're actually Stereo "Gimmick" record! Hear listening to . . . and seem to be completely that? The sound is coming absorbed in ... a Beethoven Symphony!! from over there!

Mmmph! I finally There Hey, Hah! Pop pushed YEAH! Will every­ What's with I do! But that's my dime found a record on goes that's the wrong button bYEAH! body please you? I in there . . . and I'm gonna this Juke Box that Pop... not and got Rock 'n' shut up! I thought you enjoy every rotten "Yeah, I know . . . Barbra with his Barbra Roll instead! want to hated this Yeah"—even if it kills me! Streisand singing cornball Streisand!! hear this! kind of "People"! Let's see music music! .. . that's 3-C. . . again!

You made such a fuss about seeing How should I know!? that Rock 'n' Roll group perform in I couldn't hear them person! Tell me—now that you've above my own screaming! seen them, do you really think they sing that well? Oh, I just love this piece! It builds No! We're coming to the crescendo, and builds so magnificently! and I didn't want to miss any of it passing under the bridge!

And now the sound is MAKE THAT DARN And now the sound is coming coming from over there! THING LOWER! from way over THERE!

Hi, Mitch! Hey, I've noticed that l-er- Why can'tch le'me If you'll promise not You're you're always walking around with uh-l see the Guitar, to blab it all over— NOT!? that Guitar Case! Man, you must can't! Mitch? Huh? Why? I'll tell you a secret! So what be hip—a real swinger! Bet you I I have you get invited to lots of parties got in and stuff, huh? Le'me see the there? Guitar, Mitch? Huh? Le'me see it?

When I first started my record But the record companies weren't All this time, I'm getting the So you're gonna NO! I'M collection, I spent a fortune on through with me yet! Next, they feeling that the record companies give up your old GONNA the old 78 RPM's! Then the record came out with STEREO records! So are out to get me personally—and Stereo record GIVE UP companies pulled a fast one! They I gave up my old monaural Hi-Fi now I'm sure of it! Because now collection and MUSIC!! came out with 33% RPM LONG- equipment and my old monaural LP they've come out with a real lulu equipment?! PLAYING HI-FI records! So I gave records and I bought new STEREO .. . Stereo TAPE recordings! up my old equipment and my old equipment and an all new STEREO 78 collection and I bought new record collection! HI-FI equipment and an all-new LONG-PLAYING record collection! JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I "- - - - /• ••rli ; ~ ,_^ ' TWO WRIGHTS MADE A WRONG DEPT. Contrary to popular belief, the writers at MAD are not always well-versed in the subjects they write about. Take this article, mm mm f'rinstance. The writer frankly admits that he has absolutely no faith in Air Travel. Not only has he never been in a plane in his life, but he even refuses to send out letters via Air Mail. He is very nervous about this Air Age we live in. In fact, the only way he relaxes is through his hobby: raising Homing Pigeons. And that hasn't worked out too well for him. Maybe it's because he makes the Pigeons travel by train! Oh— by the way, if this introduction seems ridiculous to you, forgive us. The idea of running another Primer is even more ridiculous! ^l^fstrated by George Woodbridge |?y'; Written by Larry Siege I nrrrti i li nintT" • •• U Chapter 1. Chapter 2. THE TAKE-OFF THE LANDING

THE TAKE-OFF See the busy airport. THE LANDING See the busy terminal building in the busy airport. See the other nice airplane. See the nice airplane leaving the busy terminal building. See it coming into the busy airport. This is a 9:00 A.M. flight. It is arriving in New York from Washington, D.C. The airplane is leaving exactly on time. The whole trip took less than an hour. Along the ground. See the nice airplane circling the busy New York Airport. For another spot on the busy airport. It will circle and circle. Where it will wait in line to take off. For four hours. Wait, wait, wait. Waiting for the plane circling underneath it to land. You won't be in the air for an hour yet. Which is waiting for the plane circling underneath it to land. Aren't long, delayed take-offs fun? Which is waiting for the plane circling underneath it to etc. They give you more time to get settled in your seat. Etc., etc., etc. They give you more time to admire the airport scenery. Isn't air travel from Washington, D.C. to New York wonderful? They give you more time to pray! Sometimes, it's almost as quick as going by car!

21 Chapter 3. Chapter 4. THE HALF-FARE TEENAGERS THE TYPICAL PASSENGER

See the typical airliner passenger. See him squeeze into a typical airliner seat. He cannot put his feet on the floor, Because his hand luggage is down there. He cannot put his hand luggage on the rack, Because the pillows are up there. See the happy teenagers. .**=. He cannot put a pillow under his head, They are waiting to take advantage of an exciting offer. Because he cannot raise his head. The airline has promised them half-fare tickets. He cannot push his seat back, If they are under 21 years of age. Because it crushes the knees of the passenger behind him. There is just one catch to this offer. Look at the funny, cramped position he is in. They are on a "Stand-by" basis. Funny, funny, funny. That means they must wait for cancellations. Why is the Stewardess hovering over him? That means they must wait until military people are taken care of. She is waiting until he falls asleep. That means they may have to wait quite a while. Why is she waiting until he falls asleep? By the time some of these teenagers finally get on a plane. Because there is no fun in tapping him on the shoulder They will have to pay full-fare anyway. And telling him to fasten his seat belt Because they will be 22 years of age! When he is awake!

Chapter 5. Chapter 6. THE STEWARDESS THE FOOD

See the nice Stewardesses preparing the food. •a— See the nice Stewardess. Why do they dawdle so? She is explaining how to use the life preservers. Because it is not yet time to serve the food. She tells you where to find them. Now they are putting the food on trays. S She tells you how to put them on. Why are they continuing to dawdle? She tells you how to inflate them. Because it is still not yet time to serve it. She tells you that they may save your life. Oh-oh! The plane is flying into a storm. She asks if there are any questions. It is bouncing up and down. Here is something to think about: Up and down. When was the last time you read of an airliner Up (ugh!) and down (ugh!). Crash-landing in the sea and staying afloat Now it is time to serve. Long enough for passengers to get out The Stewardesses always make sure And use those life preservers? That the food is quickly distributed throughout the plane. Don"t ask her that question! After it is served! Chapter 7. Chapter 8. THE AIR SICKNESS BAG THE BAGGAGE CLAIM CHECK

See the nice passengers. See them reach for their air sickness bags. They arc all violently ill. See the happy passengers. Choke, gagg, urrrp! What a nice flight these passengers have had. Have they just eaten that nice airline food? Now they are ready to claim their baggage. No. Each passenger is holding his Baggage Claim Check. Is the plane flying through a storm? But no one is looking at these Baggage Claim Checks. No. They never do, at Baggage Return Sections. Is it a bumpy flight? See the happy man. No. He is walking off with two nice leather suitcases. Then why arc all the nice passengers sick? Isn't that funny? Sick, sick, sick. Before boarding the plane, that very same man Oh, oh! Look up at the movie screen. Checked in with only one piece of baggage: Now we know. A brown paper carton. The airline is showing another Doris Day movie! Isn't the Baggage Claim "Honor System" marvelous at airports?

Chapter 9. ""V Chapter 10. THE DISTRAUGHT RELATIVE THE DISTRAUGHT NEIGHBORS

See the lovely house. See the people who live in the lovely house. See the anxious lady. See them cringe in fear and cover their heads. See how worried she is. See the windows shatter. See how she paces up and down. See the doors rattle. See how she wrings her hands. See the dishes crash. Why is the lady so upset? See the furniture splinter. Her husband is on an airline flight. See the floor-boards quiver. And there is no telling what can happen. See the goldfish having heart attacks. Oh, oh! The telephone is ringing. See the house leave its foundation. Ring, ring, ring. Is the lovely house under an atomic attack? The lady has just received the news that she has been dreading. No, the lovely house is under a Jet airliner Her husband's plane has landed safely. Taking off from the airport next door. Another $200,000 Air Travel Insurance Policy shot to hell! Isn't it fun living near an airport!

23 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

CO cr GLUB-GLUB PEPT. Movies and television have brought about a sharp increase in the public's interest in under­ water exploration. People everywhere now want to be like Lloyd Bridges! (Which would seem to call for an article on "Plastic Surgery," not "SCUBA Diving"!) Last year, for example, 778,000 people took to the waters and spent countless hours exploring the deep. And many of these ... especially the ones who took along SCUBA equipment . . . returned. Here then, gang, is . . . A MAD LOOK AT THE JOYS OF

SCUBA Diving has become extremely popular in recent years.. .mainly among all the people who just can't stand the shoving and pushing and jostling and noise of our overcrowded daily lives.

SCUBA Divers are thrilled the minute they come to a stretch of quiet, peaceful, serene water.

Unfortunately, the thrill quickly vanishes. Because under that water, they meet all the people who can't stand the shoving and pushing and jostling and noise of our overcrowded daily lives. SCUBA DIVIN THE FIRST THING TO DO BEFORE DIVING: BECOME FAMILIAR WITH YOUR EQUIPMENT!

In the scene above, the prospective SCUBA diver is making the left. We mean that Medical Equipment on the right . . . a terrible blunder. He is not becoming familiar with his which he will desperately need because he unwisely became equipment. And we don't mean that pile of SCUBA junk on familiar with the Lifeguard's equipment—namely his wife!

The mask keeps water out of The Mask diver's eyes and nose, permits him to see clearly underwater.

To put on mask, hold up to Next, test mask for "snug" If mask seems snug enough, If mask is snug, but still face, pull straps over head. fit — which is so essential, test for "water tightness." leaks, you may need new one.

The SCUBA Diver wears a weight-belt The Weight-Belt and weights (depending on his buoyancy) to make his underwater descent easier.

Too Little Weight The Right Weight Too Much Weight G EQUIPMENT The Swim Fins

This is what a set of Fins looks like. It's al­ so what Donald Duck Fins give you greater speed and swim­ While swimmer B, using fins, traveled ming range. In this swimming pool 80 feet in the same amount of time. looks like ... buried up- £ demonstration, swimmer A traveled 60 Unfortunately for Swimmer B, how­ side-down in the sand! feet in one minute . . . without fins! ever ... it was only a 70-foot pool!

Without an air tank, breathing underwater can The Air-Tank be quite difficult for the SCUBA diver. Here are a few of the common air-tank arrangements:

SINGLE TANK DOUBLE TANK TRIPLE TANK QUADRUPLE TANK

The single tank arrangement The double tank supplies air A triple tank supplies air This supplies a hernia for supplies air for short time. for a fair period of time. for a good period of time. a permanent period of time.

The Knife The Wet Suit Other Diver Equipment

You are 50 feet underwater. The temperature is 30° and The above items are only a Suddenly, 20 sharks attack. you want to SCUBA Dive. If bit of the "must" equipment This is the point where an you own a wet suit, you can every diver should hav . . . experienced SCUBA Diver do this. You can even SCUBA OOOPS! We made a boo-boo! puts his knife into action. Dive in zero degrees. But, This is "must" equipment Mainly, he kills himself! Gad, you're going to freeze! every DRIVER should have! 27 GETTING INTO THE WATER The Right Way The Wrong Way

Face boat, press mask, and gently lower yourself into the This "show-off" dive will also leave your gear in place, water. This will insure that your gear remains in place. Unfortunately, it won't be in the same place you are at! GETTING INTO THE BOAT

ANOTHER WAY OF GETTING INTO THE BOAT IS BY FIRST REMOVING CUMBERSOME GEAR

First, put air tanks in ... Next, put snorkel in... Then, put face mask in ... Then, put swim fins in ...

Now see how easy it is to get in? Oh, by the way, we forgot to mention: Always put the air tanks in very carefully! Mainly, they're so heavy, they might go right through the bottom of the boat! UNDERWATER SAFETY THE SCUBA DIVER ALWAYS CARRIES A GREAT DEAL OF SAFETY EQUIPMENT Should a SCUBA Diver's air supply Should a SCUBA Divers snorkel fail, he Should his inflatable life vest fail, a fail, he always carries a "snorkel". always carries an inflatable life vest. SCUBA Diver always carries Blue Cross.

THE SCUBA DIVER'S FLAG BUOY

The SCUBA Diver's Flag Buoy is extremely important for his This is important because it also tells the Diver where it safety. It tells boats in the area that he is diving below. is safe to come up, which is mainly anywhere the flag isn't! THE BUDDY SYSTEM It is extremely dangerous to SCUBA Dive alone. For that reason, a Diver should always have a "Buddy" to depend on. Here are a few things "Buddies" should know:

Buddies should know how to Buddies should know how to Buddies should know how to But most important of all, help each other put on and stay close together at all communicate underwater to buddies should know when to take off complicated gear. times while SCUBA diving, share joys and discoveries. stop being such good buddies. • COMMUNICATIONS UNDERWATER Unless a SCUBA Diver can afford expensive radio equipment and special masks, there is no other way to communicate underwater except by sign language. The novice Diver should memorize these hand signals—his life may depend on them: y

"WHY ARE YOU "I AM "I LOVE "ACT NONCHALANT! HERE "ACT NONCHALANT! HERE TURNING PURPLE?' DROWNING!' YOU!" COMES YOUR HUSBAND!" COMES A KILLER WHALE!"

"I'VE CAUGHT "THE BOAT IS "THE BOAT "WHAT IS THE BOAT A LOBSTER!" UP THERE!" IS GONE!" DOING DOWN-HERE?"

'HAVE YOU GOT VMY SUNBURN IS 1 THINK WE ARE "I'M FROM YOUR "I'M FROM A MATCH?" KILLING ME!" IN A SEWER!" DRAFT BOARD!" AUSTRALIA!"

"THIS IS NOT A "I'M GETTING THE NEW SCUBA OUTFIT! HECK OUT OF HERE! I FELL OFF A FERRY!" EXPLORING UNDERWATER The waters around us, whether ocean or lake, abound with magnificent marine life. The Diver will be richly rewarded if he is alert and observant and seeks them out.

Here is a lovely sight to Snails are plentiful, and Bright colored underwater Many varieties of fish will see—a bayscallop skipping they are fun to watch as plants sway to and fro like float lazily by in swiftly gaily through placid water. they slowly wend their way. graceful ballet dancers. moving currents and eddies.

Here we see a beautiful white "Arch Here we see the dazzling "Pink Giant Now we see the little "Picket Corals," Coral," distinguished by its symmetry. Sausage Plant," gracefully undulating. growing in their semi-circular design.

Yes, there is no limit to Nature's bounty under the sea . . . providing, of course, that you are alert to its dangers as well as its pleasures. The beautiful, and yet safe places above are certainly spots that any diver would be anxious to revisit! 31 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II

32 A.#^ ONE FOR THE ROADHOG DEPT. HEY GANG, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT AN AVERAGE, HUNGRY AMERICAN FAMILY RIDING ALONG AN AVERAGE HIGHWAY IN MOST PARTS OF THIS COUNTRY . . .

Mom, Dad, I'm hungry! No, we will go to a Johnson r I'm starving! No, there's a Johnson It's only 212 Let's go to a restaurant! Johnson Howard's! We I Howard's! I'll die in Howard's up ahead! miles from here! Look—There's a nice will look for a Johnson I Johnson five minutes! A Johnson Howard's— Johnson Howard's place! It says: "Joe's Diner Howard's! We will find Howard's! Look, there's just ahead! A Johnson Johnson Howard's —Good Eats". . . a Johnson Howard' a nice place- Howard's—ahead . . . Johnson Howard's r

Boy, this place looks Johnson It's the only place crowded! How about Howard's! to eat! It's the only "Frank's Pizzeria"— Johnson place to eat! It's across the road there? Howard's! the only place to eat!

Anyone that has traveled around the country by car knows what it's like to be caught under the hypnotic spell of the "Johnson Howard" name... the name that is synonymous with American Road­ side Dining. What is it about a Johnson Howard's that attracts motorists like the sea attracts Lemmings? Is it the delicious food? Is it the prompt, courteous service? Is it the 28 exotic ice cream flavors? Just what goes on inside these orange-roofed colonial-style restaurants that continues to strengthen their Svengali-like hold on the American public? Let's find out as . . . MAD VISITS A TYPICAL Joumon UOUJARDS

RestauranARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. WRITER: LARRYSIEGEL t 33

WEST-WARD-HO-HO! DEPT. A M/m L@@K

R.I.P. KIRBY PEPT. According to U.S. Government statistics, the average American lives to be 70 years Oliver Warbucks Dies; old. This, however, is not the case with RENOWNED TYCOON WAS 71 the average American comic strip character. In the comics, it seems that people never ha in Brooklyn, Warbucks be­ gan his career as a peddler die of old age; they just go on living... of men's underwear. With presumably forever. And this, of course, is his profits, he began his shirt-stud company in the preposterous. Nobody can live forever, not back of a candy store. After wiping out his competitors even these lovable folks in the comic strips. in the famed Rhinestone Therefore, let us look ahead to those black Price War of 1922, he merged his activities into days in the not too far off future when we one giantcorporation, "War- will open our newspapers, turn to the death bucks, Punjab and Asp." notices, and be greeted by the following ... Warbucks leaves one sur­ —. - m vivor, an adopted daughter, Oliver Judson Warbucks Annie, 45, to whom he has Oliver Judson Warbucks bequeathed the sum of one is dead. dollar. The remainder of his The 71-year-old tycoon, $17 billion estate will go to who was known as "The the National Institute to Shirt-Stud King", collapsed Combat Baldness. in his Manhattan offices this It is requested that no morning on learning: that flowers be sent to the fu­ President Johnson would neral. Mourners are asked, run for re-election. instead, to send contribu­ tions in Warbucks's name to Born Oliver Warbrzsky the John Birch Society.

KATZENJAMMERS PERISH IN BLAST

FABIAN MAOR«l.n r.. Mr. Hans Katzenjammmer j Mr. Fritz Katzenjammer The family moved to a Twin brothers Hans and small island off the coast of Fritz Katzenjammer, 72, Africa where the brothers were killed today when their spent their careers invent­ home-made bomb exploded ing new methods of liquidat­ prematurely. The victims ing Captain Katzenjammer had planned to detonate the and a family friend, known bomb underneath the chair as "The Inspector". of their father, Captain No funeral services will Heinrich Katzenjammer. be held. Instead, the surviv­ The Katzenjammer ing members of the family brothers were born in Don- will hold a three-day cele­ nervetter, a suburb of bration. Arrangements are Munich, Germany, but were being handled by Rollo deported by the German Worthington, a family l Government in 1914 for friend. ..vw^4^ MlcM/M/4vf >; being too warlike. Donald Duck NANCY RITZ Snuffy Smith, 55, DIES AT 42 Dies In Explosion Killed In Hunting Accident Snuffy Smith, 55, died in an explosion at his Tennessee farm today. The blast took place when • • • he mistakenly emptied a can of ls gasoline into a five-gallon tank '- of simmering corn liquor. la According to witnesses, Smith jt was last seen passing in a north- L easterly direction over the farm L of a neighbor, Caleb Perkins. f Smith was born in East Tater, Miss Nancy Ritz f Arkansas, moving out of the state f~ at the request of the State Liquor ( Nancy Ritz, 42, died in Authority. He became a success-1., her home today after tak­ ", ful turnip farmer, being aided t| Mr. Donald Duck ing an overdose of sleeping '','greatly by his wife, Lowizee, I, » i pills. Police term the death whom he used as a plow. Donald Duck, 36, noted man ll I an apparent suicide. A firearms enthusiast, Smith about town, was shot to death to­ According to a friend, day in a hunting accident. Duck was noted for his marksmanship. ' was killed by two hunters who Morris "Sluggo" Kelly, Miss '. His favorite targets were pos-1 » mistook him for a species of wild Ritz had been despondent I sums, buzzards and agents of the canvasback. for the past 18 years, due to Bureau of Internal Revenue. Duck was born in a marsh near her inability to reach ado­ In addition to his wife, Smith Chillicothe, Ohio. He became an lescence. is survived by a son, Jughaid, and orphan at the age of five when She is survived by an a cousin, Barney Google, a famed his parents, Exeter and Mamie [s I horse-breeder. Duck, strayed too close to a pil­ aunt, Fritzie Ritz. L 1= low factory. A spirited eccentric, Duck was known for his clever wit, all of which was unintelligible. He countered this, however, with sav­ age bursts of temper which ac­ complished nothing. PRINCE VALIANT DIES Duck is survived by an uncle, Prince Valient, a crusading knight, died yesterday Scrooge, and three nephews, of natural causes. HWe» wa**"*«s 649 *• . Huey, Dewey and Looey. In ac­ cordance with the wishes of the family, Duck's body will be sau- teed over a low flame at 300 de­ grees. SMILIN' JACK MARTIN DIES AFTER ACCIDENT Smilin' Jack Martin, 60, an out-of-work test pilot, died to­ Dick Tracy Dies Of Gun Wound* day of injuries sustained when Dick Tracy, 66, a local po­ he drove his car off the Golden lice defective, died today of Gate Bridge. lead poisoning after being According to a surviving shot for the 47th time in the passenger, Downwind Jack­ ?) left shoulder. son, Martin was suddenly A dedicated lawman to the stricken with the false impres­ end, Tracy was giving instruc­ sion that he was in a plane. tions over his two-way wrist "I would have warned him," radio until just before his Jackson said, "except I was death in Mercy Hospital. Ac­ looking the other way." cording to Police Chief Pat Martin was born in Koko- "rrt/A Patton, Tracy's last words mo, Indiana. He entered his were, "I'll finish the job—up first air meet at the age of truss became impaled on his there!" "\seven, placing last when the throttle. Born in New York City, Detective Richard Tracy .'rubber band broke. In 1941, at Immediately following his Tracy enrolled in the New death, the United States Gov­ ed son, Junior, and a half- 'the request of the Army, he York Police Academy in 1919, brother, Morton ("Fearless") became a test pilot for the ernment announced that Mar­ and graduated in 1928. During Fosdick. Immediately after Navy. In 1944, during a dog­ tin's moustache would be put World War II, he aided the Tracy's death, his widow, the fight with Japanese Zeros, he on permanent display at the scrap-metal drive by donating former Tess Trueheart, an­ nearly lost his life when his Smithsonian Institution. 33 bullets lodged in his body. nounced her marriage to Chief He is survived by an adopt- Patton. MANDRAKE DIES REX MORGAN DIES; Henry Smith Found MYSTERIOUSLY PHYSICIAN WAS 49 Dead In Elevator Dr. Rex Morgan died in his of­ fice last night after trying unsuc­ cessfully to remove his own ap­ pendix. He was 49. Morgan was born outside Craw­ ford's Crossing, West Virginia, and graduated with honors from the Acme Correspondence School in 1936, receiving a degree in i Animal Husbandry. Three years ^ later, he entered the Eastern West Virginia School for Veterinarians, but was dismissed from the insti­ tution after incorrectly diagnos­ Mr. Henry Smith ing a hoof condition in a cham­ Henry Smith, 48, was found dead pion Black Angus as "Athlete's today in a stalled self-service ele­ Foot". vator. A doctor at the scene esti­ mated that Smith had been trapped Mesmerist M.J. Mandrake Further details of his career were un available. Telephone calls there for at least three weeks. to his office for the purpose of According to medical reports, Mandrake J. Mandrake, 68, the gathering this in forma ti Smith remained alive until shortly noted magician, died today under intercepted by hii \nsw< before his body was found. It is be­ |mysterious circumstances while Service, who insisted was" lak- lieved that if he had cried out for rehearsing a new magic act for ds at the hospital' help he could have been rescued. the Ed Sullivan Show. But for unknown reasons, he failed to let his presence in the elevator be According to police, Mandrake j I had just finished successfully I. known. changing his assistant, Sidney Friends and relatives of the de­ iLothar, into an ocelot, when the ceased will attend private funeral beast suddenly attacked him, DAGWOOD BUMSTEAD DIES services tomorrow at 11:00 A.M. clawing him to death before the at which time, in Henry's memory, IN ACCIDENT AT OFFICE they will observe two minutes of magician could utter the magic noise. i words that would have brought Lothar back to his human form. Mandrake is survived by a |half-brother, known as the Phan- jtom. Lothar has been purchased Mary Worth Is Dead |by the Bronx Zoo. At 83; Made Fortune Selling Apples Mary Worth, 83, died today of an acute earache. She had ac­ JOE PALOOKA quired the ailment, doctors re­ ported, as a result of having to DIES AFTER listen to the problems of her sev­ eral hundred friends over the RING KNOCKOUT Mr. Dagwood Bumstead past fifty years. Dagwood Bumstead, 61, was crushed Born in Kenosha, Wisconsin, •Joe Palooka, one-time heavy­ to death today in a giant computer. The Miss Worth was the daughter of weight champion, died last night accident occurred in the offices of the shortly after being knocked out in vaudeville stars, Sam and Flossie a five-round preliminary bout in the J. C. Dithers Construction Co. Worth. At 18, she began her own Altoona, Pennsylvania, Boxing In describing the tragedy, J. C. Dith­ stage career, becoming famous as Arena. The 55-year-old boxer was ers, president of the firm, said that he attempting a comeback. had told Bumstead to run some infor­ an exotic dancer at the St. Louis According to his ex-manager, mation through the computer. Bum­ World's Fair in 1904. She was Knobby Walsh, now retired in Mi­ stead, it appears, took the order too known especially for her daring ami, Palooka refused to give up box­ literally. artichoke dance, in which she ing even though he had been knocked out in 31 of his last 32 fights. Dithers immediately announced that performed in a costume made up In recent years, Palooka worked he would use the money in Bumstead's of two dozen artichokes. . . as a sparring partner for local box­ pension fund to pay for the cost of re­ When her savings were wiped III ers and as a runner for city mob­ pairing the computer. out by the Stock Market crash of sters. It is estimated that the former Bumstead was employed by Dithers champion earned more than two as an assistant associate junior execu­ 1929, Miss Worth was forced to million dollars in his prime. But a tive. He joined the company in 1938 as sell apples. Known as Apple series of bad investments left him Mary, she amassed a fortune, bankrupt. an assistant associate junior executive. Pallbearers at the funeral will include which enabled her to devote the He is survived by his ex-wife, the former Ann Howe, now a waitress Dithers, neighbor Herbert Woodley, rest of her life to her favorite in the Times Square area. postman Myron Beezley, and Horace hobby, meddling. Dripple, a family friend. Miss Worth is survived by a distant cousin, Juliet Jones. BOMBS AWAY DEPT.

WO

Boy! Flying I'm glad I had that booze! I'm can sure be a going to show up at the General's frightening briefing at twelve o'clock, high! experience! Hey, how's that for a title for this 1 ridiculous TV series ... mainly...

12 O'CROCKED HIGH ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO //mu=3\\ \ \ ^^nrp- „;\y m Glad to see you, Colonel. I was just That's the color my wife wants We'll I'm talking about the enemy briefing the men on this new mission. the dining room. But forget that! need positions, you idiot! Now These red pins represent our positions, What I want is a bomb dropped some the rest of you get back to and the black pins are the bad guys! squarely on every black pin! pretty your quarters while Colonel tiny Gullible and I map out the bombs! rest of the details.

First let me tell I hate his guts! That's Now, Colonel! What That happens \ you, Colonel, that If he goes, I You mean Old Sweaty? My him! could that mild- He sometimes. A I've selected the roomie at West Point? stay! And if I go, mannered, soft- stole woman gets best co-pilot My buddy in basic he stays! And if spoken, gentle- my tired of available for this training? My co-pilot we both stay, you living man like wife being married mission: Capt. Sweat! on my first flight? go! And if... Capt. Sweat have away to the same done to warrant from man and .. . V such hostility? me! I never figured you to be the kind to hold petty Why I have a serious disability that keeps me from grudges. But even so, Colonel, personal matters don't flying. Worst case of dandruff in this man's army. are one thing, bombing pins are another! You're you And you know what a drawback that can be in a going to sweat out that mission with fly—er— come crowded cockpit. So I'll do the best I can down fly out that mission with Sweat. . . and that's an along, here. Now good luck, Colonel Gullible! And if you order! I only wish I was going with you . . . sir? don't mind, here's a few quarters for you to take out some flight insurance in my name . ..

ACT II—The Plane Yes! Especially since it's Jimmy! But I'm Colonel Gullible to you, Captain Sweat! Remember that! And one thing more—I may have orders to fly with you, but there's nothing in the rule book that says I gotta like you! Personally, I hope your half of the plane crashes!

The right wing, The left wing, engines Pilot to gunner... "Yes sir, yes sir?" engines and landing and landing gear are, pilot to gunner! What's that, a nursery gear are, sir! too—maybe more so, sir! Do you read me? rhyme? "Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full"? It's "Roger" on a plane, Cummings. You Good. Now do try and know that! take off together!

4*>fSvO -M^mk%}\ You do the dirtiest work on the base, Wolfe. ;| You're the finest boot­ black I've seen. The way you scrape the mud off the boots and a Why, it's a great feeling to go into battle with the shiny shoes that only you are responsible for!

How's that, Excellent! But I don't think Pan-American Airlines is going sir? to be too thrilled about it. You know .. . with the civilians and all! But you did show spirit! So I'm going to let you stay on, even though I'm breaking every rule set up by our government—not to mention a few set up by the enem;

I think we're approaching Should we course as the target area, sir! drop the south-by- bombs on southwest by • How can you tell, Lieutenant? the target northeast-by- at the west and 1 same time. maybe just a I see these huge black pins pinch to the sticking into the ground! right... That's it! Now listen close, men . . . we're going to come in pretty low so that we can drop the eggs right into the basket! That was the most incompetent, ineffectua You won't win me with compliments, ! and ludicrous maneuver I have ever seen in Sweat! We're in this together and all my years in the service! we'll get out of it together! Monsieur, in French "maisoui" Thank you, and Same to ACT III—At The Stream means "but yes!" First, you go Vive La France! you, fella! down this path for 2 millimeters, then turn left for 3 kilometers, "What are you, some kind of nut?" right for 4 decimeters and left Swim across this river. Your next again for 2 parking meters. contact is on the other side. New You'll see a small stream with password: "When the moon comes over an old man fishing. Say to him: the mountain!" He'll answer: "What "Are the barracuda biting?" ever happened to Kate Smith!?" He'll answer: "What are you, some kind of nut?" Then he will tell you what to do next! ACT IV—Headquarters We did our job At ease, men. I knew teaming you two up was a stroke well! It was of genius! What a wild idea—purposely crash-landing the crew's fault! right on target so that the enemy, in trying to finish off your disabled plane, blew up the target themselves! The whole operation can be described in only one way—pure fantasy! But what the heck . >M~!iW£i

EPILOGUE

Well, Sweat! We were thrown together against our will, but side by side we accomplished our mission! So, before we part, I'd like to give you a little something to remember me by . . . something that will remind my wife of me each time you're together. . . something I hope you'll keep permanently . . .

V^PfNV^S DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

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48 WHAT PROFITABLE HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS CAR-BUYER MARKET WILL AUTOMAKERS MAD FOLD-IN STUPIDLY LOSE Spectacularly designed cars, brilliantly promoted, will send AGAIN WITH THIS the auto manufacturers' profits skyrocketing again next year. But these profits could be even higher if automakers bothered YEAR'S MODELS? to plug a leak through which a lot of prospective car-buyers are lost. To find out how they are lost, fold page as shown. |B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS

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KICK-OFF FOR BIG PROFIT SCRAMBLE WILL BE JAZZY NEW, GIMMICK-FILLED ARTIST & WRITER: 1967 MODELS, SOON TO BE UNVEILED IN SHOWROOMS EVERYWHERE.THEN AL JAFFEE UNSAVORY AD CAMPAIGNS WILL CONVINCE ALMOST ALL CAR-BUYERS THAT LIFE CAN BE GAY AND MEANINGFUL IF THEY DRIVE ONE OF THESE FLASHY CARS A>

ARTIST: FRANK FRAZETTA WRITER: DON EDWING

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