Abstinence scandal [ Adams attempts to lose uBro" title breaks campus spirit take extreme measures to keep By DEE-KAY SUNDAH its facilities organized with all of MINISTER OF DAT ASS the condoms around. "We have AL-PAL EXXZERCHIEN- encouraged faculty and staff to SHANBERGER take from the stockpile and use GREAT SEX AMBASSADOR the condoms for any purpose they can think of." Rumors circulating campus of To this end, the physics de- a widespread abstinence scandal partment has begun a long-term are sweeping the campus. The study comparing the spring Colby Echo, your source of all constants of condoms made things good and true, is here with by different manufacturers. the inside scoop. Though the physics professors It 's a Saturday night and are excited to be handling a the campus has fallen into a new material, the students re- deathly silence as students re- main uncomfortable with han- fuse to fornicate. dling items that were intended It is a hard time for this cam- to cover penises. pus, and the administration is not "It makes me feel funny when making the blow any softer with I touch one of them. I just don't its nebulous emails that just leave know how to deal with this," the students in a greater shroud of Chrissy Redoh '12 said. mystery. President William "Da Alumni who have heard of Bro" Adams wrote, "My lack this widespread abstinence of prior comment to the com- have become increasingly con- munity should not be taken as cerned about the blue light indifference," on the subject of on Miller Tower. If this trend abstinence. "These are deeply continues, a virgin may gradu- troubling allegations that have ate from the College this year. far-reaching impacts on our com- Though many students know munity. And I know we are all that the blue light will go out concerned about whether the if a virgin ever graduates from campus climate encourages or ex- the College, it is not common- cuses behaviors that are antitheti- ly known that such an event ¦-—¦ " "" ""¦ '- -—>—-- - ¦ ------—¦ - ¦>¦ - - - -- — - -•" ~- - - cal to our community values. would cause immense destruc- COURTESY OF PRESIDENT ADAMS'PERSONAL STALKER One could say community values tion. A catastrophic explosion Don 't forget to put a caption here. Seriously, it s' , like, really important because the article about this totally isn 't right below the picture. have changed a great deal. at the top of the tower would "I used to fall asleep to the cause Shockwaves of the Col- By THE NEW GIRL fused, teachers and students "In November, we expe- walking by, and offended by sound of my neighbor and his lege 's 200 years of sexual en- HOB-NOBBER simply refer to Adams now as rienced the lowest numbers the statement, suspended the girlfriend getting it on," Susie ergy. The College 's tenured "the Administration," and staff for bro tolerance on campus, student for a semester based Needafinger, a first-year, said. parapsychologists have theo- When students, faculty and members in the Eustis offices although we have not gotten purely on insubordination. "She was very vocal, and you rized that every man and wom- staff reflect on the 2011-12 aca- are now so disoriented that back the analysis of why," Ter- When asked about his al- could tell he 's a randy guy," she an in a 10-mile radius would demic year, they will undoubted- they now simply drop to their hune explained, "From there, leged double life as an under- smiled shyly. "They would be experience a mind-numbing ly see it as one of Colby's most knees and bow whenever Ad- we thought that maybe we cover member of the Colby going at it all night. The sound orgasm, causing permanent active years, with a consistently ams' presence is confirmed in should take a step in a differ- lacrosse and football teams, was very rhythmic and soothing, cognitive impairment. present vocalization of the need the building. ent naming direction." Adams declined to comment, but since this disgraceful move- "It has been the duty of the 'se- for change and improvements The decision A freshman although he did mention the ment has hit campus, I can't fall cret ' frats for decades to ensure on the Hill. From the establish- to drop "Bro" (who wished to re- "ease with which people can asleep anymore." that every student gets laid before ing of a Gender and Sexual Di- from the seal main anonymous be disguised in sports that re- One of the perpetrators of graduating. The blue light must versity Program to the outrage and signature In his search for fear of her dis- quire helmets." abstinence agreed to speak with stay lit at all costs," Vice Presi- over Meatless Mondays, stu- of the Presi- ciplinary record Despite the imposed identity the Echo on the condition that dent for Student Affairs and Dean dents have expressed their frus- dent was made for less and social stand- crisis, the Colby President is he remain anonymous. "Every- of Students Jim Terhune said. tration through paper banners, with the help provocative ing) tearfully re- still standing strong. "No need one's attacking us. We get no Officers of the Outings and Discourse posts and screaming of Dean of Stu- called the night to worry," Adams said. "I have love from the students who still Activities for Students Initi- matches with the administra- dents and Vice titles, Adams that she was "in been and will always continue engage in sexual activity, and ating Sobriety Club (OASIS) tion. Students have been picking President of has considered the Apartments to be a *bro. ' My bro-ness is none from the administration. have seen an incredible jump in sides, teachers desperately avoid Student Affairs when someone entrenched in my very soul. I It 's become a brave act just to membership. Students abstain- using the words "assault," "scan- Jim Terhune. "Supreme yelled *Hey Bro!' can 't turn my back on that." • save room for Jesus' with my ing from sex have found a new dal" and "gender" in classroom Adams and Lord," "His at someone who Shawn Thompson '15, one girlfriend on the Pulver dance home with the sober population conversations and parents have Terhune, it has had just come in. I of the remaining members of floor," he said. "Colby's become on campus, likely due to the ceased their mid-week phone been revealed , Bro-liness" was kinda wasted the football team, expressed his a hostile place." strong tie between the previous calls to ask how things are going have developed and "The and high and para- sympathies for President Ad- The prominence of absti- alcohol and hook-up cultures. on campus. a richter-scale noid , so I freaked ams' situation by saying, "wait... nence on campus has caused a "1 don't see any point in do- No one is feeling these of sorts, pri- Grand Poobah out and leapt un- does that mean we don 't get our storage crisis for the Garrison- ing body shots if I'm not going changes more, however, than marily used to of All things der a table." new weight room?" The men 's Foster Health Center. Having to have sex afterwards," Chastity President William D. Adams, gauge student Another senior lacrosse and hockey teams ex- been accustomed to an incred- Beltsmith * 13 said. whose now-former nickname acceptance of Colby-ish." remembered his pressed similar concerns. ible demand for condoms over The question still remains if all of 'Bio ' has been called into the bro culture. own sophomore In his search for less pro- the past decade, the Center had parties involved have abstained question. Accusations of in- "It helps me to experience, when vocative titles, Adams has signed up for a weekly deliv- with consent. Security officers sensitivity and sports-team feel connected after an afternoon considered "Supreme Lord ," ery system. However, since have begun an investigation to favortism have run rampant to the students," playing football "His Bro-liness" and "The the scandal began, the condoms determine whether the abstinence as of late. In a last-ditch at- Adams said. "Whenever some- on the Quad, he yelled at his Grand Poobah of All Things have continued to accumulate at has come about as a result of ram- tempt at damage control , Ad- one on this campus says the friend, "Bro, you ' re such an Colby-ish." Suggestions may a breakneck pace. pant cock-blocking on campus. ams has only been referred word 'Bro,' the scale confirms a ** hole." Little did he know be submitted by email to "We were not prepared for this The Echo will continue to to as "President Adams" in whether or not it is in reference that President Adams was [email protected]. rapid change," Medical Direc- thoroughly probe deep inside this emails and Official Notices for to me, and whether it is positive. tor DT. Paul Berkner said. The "Bermuda Triangle" until it has the last few months, creating This is how 1 know if s okay to Health Center has been forced to satisfied all parties involved. use the name." a panic around the Hill. Con- ITHIS WEEK'S ECHO I Something called "Pugh Center" closes
By SOME WHITE KID "It had these couches that the Goldfarb Center 's large tip said. After saying this, he HIP-HOP EXPERT always looked really comfort- poster-printing machines. promptl y buried his head in able," Huntington 's friend, When asked about this ru- the dirt of a potted plant in Last Monday, President Skylar Simmons '14 said of mor, Vice President of Student his office. William D. Adams an- the now-non- Affairs and Dean With no guidance on the nounced the closing of the existent com- of Students Jim subject, diversity—devoid of Pug h Center due to lack of munity space. Terhune replied its penoptic staging grounds- funding. The Pugh Cen- "I've definitel y that he did not has started to manifest itself ter , which included offices thought about I wish 1 had feel authorized in dilute forms all across cam- for campus clubs such as doing home- something to comment at pus, from the sweet smell of SOBHU , The Bridge and work there on this time, but that hookah escaping under the the Colby Christian Fellow- more than one meaningful to students should door of a Woodman basement ship, once served as a home occasion." say. I really be on the lookout triple to the sound of Michael for students seeking solace The College for more a in- Jackson singing from battery- in spicy food , rainbows and Committee on don't like to formative email powered speakers in a supply Jesus, and many have al- the Closing of be quoted sometime within room in Mudd . ready begun to notice the Resource Cen- the next one to From photos of students eat- effects of its absence. ters will meet like this. seven months. ing take out from Pad Thai Too, "The Pugh Center was an next week to The Commu- wearing Batik-print scarves Dr. Just Shuttup essential part of the cam- determine the nications Office and occasionally reading books Communications pus community," Campbell future of the was similarly about "gender norms," inside- Huntington *14 said. He re- rooms on ine sneni on inis Colby photographers are mak- members it fondly as "that first floor of topic. "I wish I ing a concerted effort to cap- room with glass walls and Pulver, but rumors have had something meaningful to ture and caption this diversity colorful posters that I'd already started to circulate say. I really don 't like to be in order to represent campus walk by sometimes on my that they will be used as quoted like this," Communi- culture artistically and accu- way to class in Olin." storage space for several of cations Officer Dr. Just Shut- rately to prospective students. New print-release New Wellness system helps College Seminar:DFMO achieve goal of zero pages printed ally producing a printed docu- es, but at least we can say that ment. Happily, the system has we didn 't waste any paper. Or exceeded our use any." expectations and The college. not a single page pleased with was successfully Happily, the the success of printed this se- system has the print-re- mester." lease system, Students from exceeded recently sent all disciplines , our expec- out an Official despite fail- Notice detailing ing every single tations and some other eco- written assign- not a single friendly rules to ment of the be instituted for spring semes- page was the 2012-2013 ter, begrudg- successfully academic year. LIZ TULL ingly admitted "Next year, we ln a f requent display of intimate co-ed action, this privileged photogra- PHOfOGS MAGOGb ht two subjects in the wild mid DFMO but most certainly well Printing in Miller has come to a tess-than-conspicuous end their respect for printed this will be tak- pher caug on their way to an intensely public, intensely intimate DFFB Get it in! the library 's ac- semester. ing some steps By PRINTY DENJGHED to reduce our By GIMME SOMMADAT on a section entitled "Not NEWS STAFF Director for Technical Ser- complishment. vices , the system was an over- "I mean , fuck ." Toni Katz footprint , in- MAKEOUT ENTHUSIAST Too Much Tongue, " in addi- The staff of Miller Library, whelming success. said junior Kurt Mastermind of cluding remov- tion to giving instructions on in concert with the College's "At first we were a little Hamberg. "I'd Painful Printing ing the water- It has recently come to the how to successfully termi- Information Technology Ser- worried that students who never printed wasting laundry attention of the administra- nate a make-out session with vices, recently celebrated a were patient enough , who anything at Mill- machines in tion that many Colby stu- minimal awkwardness. Based ¦".uccessful first semester of planned to print their docu- er, but 1 figured that someone all dorms and instituting a dents have been engaging in on her firsthand experience, the new Pharos print-release ments several hours in ad- must have. That 's pretty im- campus-wide ban on car head- DFMOs (Dance Floor Make she's learned how to turn a system. According to Toni vance, would be able to trick pressive. It sucks that I'm not li ghts to help reduce light pol- Outs). Various studies show DFMO into a sleepover, or Katz, the library 's Assistant the Pharos system into actu- going to pass any of my class- lution." that students engage in DF- even a relationship—and she's MOs almost anywhere there willing to share her skills. CAMPUS GOSSIP is music and dim lighting. The Styx supports the DFMO as a administration recognizes this great way to sexually explore act as a natural ritual in mod- lots of different kissing expe- Residents of Coburn Hall have been ern day courtship. riences, and as yet is distressed a way to have by the careless at- good, clean, titude, or "sloppi- safe fun. quietly plotting blowoutparty of year ness," of the clas- She cau- sic Colby DFMO. Styx tions students to treat the By PARTY HARDY man ." span all four levels of Cobum so ties of alcohol from their respective The student body under- MEWS STAFF "I'm really happy that residents countries to allow invitees to par- as a whole does DFMO as more were finally turning can experience ticipate in a rich cultural exchange. not have the best stands of a special- The Echo recently mocked the volume up in here," Loudness in Decorator and technical guru track record, the young occasion treat the high price of dorm damage said Salzer. "You don't "We're all the fashion in- William Kalasky ' 15 has also been but it has be- adults' rather than a amassed o\ er the course of the year know how awful it is to doing our dicated by the appointed by SPB officer Wayne come clear that nightly occur- in many buildings, specifically the come back on a Satur- event's very Kim to work the theme of interna- the combination desire rence. Her lec- Alfond Apartments, w here fees day night and see your part," Salzer name. "We'll tional brotherhood into this nine- of inexperience to pas- ture ends with reach just over SI00 per person. dorm quiet and spot- added. "We be responsible, hour rage. and eagerness cautionary Even more spectacular is Sturtc- less. It 's embarrassing." of course," "I'm proud of the Coburn kids that manifests it- sionately tales of how vant Hall, where, so far, each resi- "Something needed don't need said Spierer. and their efforts to step it up party- self within many make young men and dent owes a w hopping SI 19.28 for to be done," said Sal- to bust up "Paramedics wise," conceded Kenniston. "That freshmen results women have the semester alone. zer's roommate, Con- will be sur- said, I'm a little weary of the fact in particularly out with destroyed their This trend, however, has left nor Clancy, also '15. our bath- rounding the that this is many of these students' cringe-worthy randos reputations members of the Coburn commu- "Every night, the emp- rooms or rip building." first times experimenting with DFMOs. In order through dance nity feeling excluded from the fun. ty darkness that is the Cobum is noise. Thankfully, senior Devin to fix this prob- in front floor OTPHJ's "As a dorm," said Gabriel Salzer silence transports me toilets out of also known for O'Brien '12 will offer some of lem, Bro Adams of large and the occa- '15, "we only owe Si.20, respec- to a plane of constant the wall to being one of his expertise." O'Brien, according has invited Cyn- sional DFFB tively. That's pathetic. It 's less than nihilism. The morning the most inter- to Kenniston, will be strolling the thia Styx, teenage groups. (if you don 't Oasis." sun beckons, but his find national dorms halls, serenading partyers to the sexpert , to have know what that Associate Director of Campus rays are harsh against accep- on campus, sound of an amplified guitar. an all-school , means, step up Life Kim Kenniston agrees. "We my face." and residents "It's all really coming togeth- mandatory well- your game and don 't normally expect a lot of dam- Fortunately, thanks tance on representing er," said Spierer. "1 think we can ness seminar on "The Art of Urban Dictionary the meaning age from die alternative housing to both Clancy and a college many of Col- make our quota for dorm damage the DFMO." real quick on your smartphone dorms, but at least Piper managed Salzer, Cobum will be by's multicul- by finals. I've already started by Styx understands the young so your friends don' t know to get some interesting things on its bringing in Tony Atkin- campus.... tural groups, knocking down exit signs every- adults ' desire to passionately you 're so out of the loop). The rap sheet, like two broken antennas son ' 15 to deejay, along But it sure including the where I see them." make out with randos in front Administration hopes this will and a missing couch." with some help from Asian Cul- "We're all doing our part," of large groups of their peers aid freshmen girls during their This campus-wide shame has Nate Morgan '15-—but helps." fural Society, Salzer added. "We don't need to and wants to work with stu- first Loudness dances, when lead Cobum seniors to throw what that 's just the second french Club bust up our bathrooms or rip toi- dents in order to improve they will inevitably hook up some, including Sarah Richard '12. floor. and the Colby lets out of the wall to find accep- their skills. She advocates with older guys, most likely call "the largest, most earth-shatter- The party, accord- African Soci- tance on a college campus.... for a "three-song waiting pe- on the hockey team (or was ingly crazy party in the history of ing to CA Adam Spierer '13, will ety, will be importing large quanti- But it sure helps." riod ," meaning that the danc- it baseball?). Statistics show ers must wait a minimums of that approximately two per- three songs before engaging cent of DFMOs lead to rela- WHAT THE $50,362.50 IN DORM DAMAGE THIS FALL SEMESTER COULD HAVE BOUGHT YOU... in any sort of consensual or tionships, while one in three nonconsensual interactive hundred results in Chlamyd- mouth movements. Cynthia ia—unless you go to Bow- spends an entire half an hour doin, then you 're fucked. 2011 damage^N ISR T t*L *a" t'orm •^Byty\Jj Classy Dance-Floor Make-Outs Dos and Don'ts
\ ^ $4 360 pitchers A Dos: Don' ts: ^ ^ / ^^^ -^J of beer at the pub — > Wear underwear. > Don't look them in the eyes g> > Wear deodorant. Things may > Don't make out with your heat up. neighbor.
11,739 Spa Quesadillas > Do avoid sports teams...or > Don't make out with your class- ^gft don't. Depends on your taste. mate.
Compiled by freshmen guinea pigs. No freshmen were "hurt " in the making of this list, although some may be emotionally damaged. CREATURES *SEXY vs. SKANKY * Students hold Love Letters Whatshouldweobime.tumblr.com Powderpuff Editors-in-Chief Editor-in-Chief football game, Hooking up with 2 guys in 1 night A threesome Taking a hike Hiking up your skirt wonder why Echo op-eds Civil Discourse posts sexism still exists Blowjobs Watching them Reading in the stacks Breeding in the stacks Mule Mob Powderpuff Football Drinking Coca-Cola Snorting coke Messenger bags Fannypacks Liz Tull Last Chance Dance First Chance Dance
AMATEUR PORNOGRAPHER In "an amazing display " of athletic abilities, female students gathered to Party With Consent Frat Ball compete in the game of the century, short-shorts hiked up and cleavage a showin ' as their mate classmates came to cheer on the girl-on-girl ac- tion. "I don / get why. like, guys think that they can just treat women like The Libel OutsideColby objects, " Betty Humpter '12 said. "We are like, just as committed to our sport as the guvs. We get together and do our Kegels every single night Smoking ban to protect Admissions add new potential Colby fetuses Health center years of research that all female smoking ban will prevent ex- questionnaire to office students were in fact capable of pectant mothers from inhaling concludes that all carrying a child. And because toxic chemicals while waddling By MART COLBY preppy look around campus. of classic, old school prep. In all students at the College are across campus. TOUR GUIDE One trustee specifically high- order to create a body of stu- f emale students clearly sexually active, it only "With so many woman of lighted how much he liked the dents that closely resembles a are pregnant made sense that, thus, all fe- childbearing age on this cam- As spring has sprung, one way that Nantucket red shorts J.Crew catalogue, a wardrobe male students must be preg- pus, who knows which ones can't help but notice the abun- looked while walking next sample will be added to ap- By LIL P nant," Dr. Dick said. may or may not be pregnant," dance of pastels, Sperry 's, to against the classic Colby plication process. Applicants HAS FULLY UTILIZED HER TWO The health center's study is Bro said. "The only safe deci- vineyard vines and lilly pu- brick buildings. Under direc- must submit several sample COLBY-SPONSORED ABORTIONS groundbreaking in that they sion was to assume that every litzer around campus. After tion from the administration, outfits to admissions in order have discovered that women at woman with a uterus is prob- a series of spring meetings admissions is now abandon- to promote a school whose Bro's recent announcement the College do not even require ably pregnant. And since Colby realized that they rather en- ing its diversifying efforts and students match as well as the of the tobacco ban that will be sexual activity to become preg- was ranked #4 on healthiest joyed the homogeny of the working on fostering a culture buildings do. implemented across the cam- nant. The health center has not campuses, we want to ensure ^ —^^— ¦ " ¦ W^-^— Mil 1 i pus beginning the 2013-2014 yet released a statement con- that the children of Colby stu- "vl T-W T 0fTK£ OF ADMISSIONS AND HNANCIALAID academic year comes following cerning the high levels of Im- dents are just as healthy as their /^J* JV «0OAWffl.OWERHIU. DRIVE DATE V• **"***+*"IIII years of research by the Garri- maculate Conception amongst parents." T HWBMUfi ME04901 '" son Foster Health Center con- Colby students. The school will be taking "The health center was so other actions to promote health- " cerning the pregnancy rates of LAST NAME FIRST NAME MIDDLE. female students at the College. helpful in helping me real- ier living for expecting mothers The research, spearheaded ize I was pregnant," Emma as well. Seafood will no longer ' ' "~ °~~~ "~~~~ = by campus physician Dr. An- Royds '15 said. "I thought be served in the dining halls, ADDRESS OT< STATE ZIP CODE ida Dick, has followed every that I had broken my arm and all female students will be female student that has come playing iPIay broomball; I given a cupful of prenatal vi- ¦*~~"~ "~ ~'~~ ~" PHONE NUMBER BIRTHDATE EAWLADDRESS to the health center complain- had no idea that arm pain was tamins upon entrance into the ing of any bodily discomfort, a symptom of pregnancy. I'm dining halls at breakfast. Colby ~" "~~ ~ ~ whether it be a sore throat or in the process of renovating Emergency Response will be PRESENT HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION TEAR a sprained ankle. The findings my two room double into a changed to Colby Pregnancy nursery for me and my room- Response (CPR) and will begin were conclusive, as the cause INTERESTS of every complaint was found mate 's children." taking classes to train them in to be an unknown pregnancy. With the high number of on-campus deliveries. Pl£ASE CHECK Oft WHICH CROUPS YOU WISH TO B£ IDENTIFIEDWITH:
"Once a woman hits puber- pregnant females on campus, The Pub will be turned into Q LAXBRO D WANNABE ACTIVIST QANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEMS ? HIPSTER ty, she is capable of carrying Bro decided that it was the Col- a nursery school for students ? PREP Q PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL ? LEGACT DTOBACCO USER a child. As all female students lege's responsibility to protect during the day while they at- at Colby have reached puberty, the health of the unborn fe- tend classes, and quiet hours PLEASE SELECTrOUR DRINK Of CHOICE fREMEMBER THE HARD ALCOHOL BAN) nNATTYUGHT DPABST BLUE RIBBON OVODKA we were able to deduct after tuses as much as possible. The will now be obsolete. Colby College Department of Security Idiocy Report Log NO ONE EVER READS THIS SECTION. EVER. Seniors run "Hunger Games 2012" the philosophy major can free campus. Class of 2012 only take you so far, so we This might be seen as both are left with no choice but to an advantage and a disadvan- takes job annihilate the competition— tage. A PPD staff member, competition especially the econ and en- who has encountered nu- vironmental studies majors merous suspicious-looking to new level who have students leav- a higher ing the senior in non-Career chance in the apartments at real world.... 4 a.m., thought Center Sadly that The College this was a great might mean adrriiriistration disadvantage sanctioned our friends." as it served as a "workshop " Reports of appears to be divisive factor heinous and completely in the commu- cripp ling nity. "There are crimes have oblivious of [The those who were B KATNIP EVER-FROSH y consumed the born without a ALWAYS HUNGRY. ALWAYS BADASS psyche of the Hunger Games] vengeful spirit seniors and who are only As commencement rears as they focus on the entire trying to guar- l head , it is a reminder its ug y college at establishing a antee a S85, that it is that time of the year large. system for 000 a year, again that almost every se- There is which they can nior dreads. news of criti- implementing barely survive With the unemployment cal files that on." On the President William D. Adams has refused to comment on the existence of the senior Hunger Games, although , rate up to 8.2 percent a sig- contain re- their newest other hand, many suspect that he is going by the alias "President Snow. " nificant increase from the sumes, senior those who are orous hours in the Alfond overwhelming and a little campus is quite torn about U.S. historical average of initiative for a theses and ready for this Athletic Center working the scary watching penises turn the Games' impact on the 5.70 percent , it 's a dog-eat- end-of-year tobacco-free are somewhat weights and the step ma- on each other, and amongst state of the College. For dog world. The weaponry projects, de- at an advan- chines; his impressive pres- my classmen there are those some, this serves to build and armaments that ha\e campus. terminants tage. One Mat- ence earned him the coveted that are taking notes and al- character, and others be- been under lock and key have for graduat- thew Gosling "Freshman Girl G ym Crush" ready strateg izing. I guess lieving that it corrupts char- come out. This has damp- ing and ac- '12, an econ award of 2011-12. When my idea of college is very acter. Rumors have already ened and cast a shadow over quiring a job, and math dou- not toning and strengthen- different from everyone begun to circulate around the campus 's excitement and being erased ble major and ing his rockin ' bod Gosling else's." campus that President Ad- eagerness for the coming of , from student 's computers also the quarterback of the is preparing himself for the In a campus-poll run by the ams plans to change his Britain 's former Prime Min- and the wipe-out of any evi- football team said, "I knew mental trauma of being a underground fraternities, the nickname from "Bro" to ister Tony Blair. dence of prior existence in what 1 was signing up for part of the Games by sub- odds seem to be in underdog "Snow." It has been noted that as the database. when 1 chose to come to Col- mitting strong l y-worded Luke Morgan '12's favor. He President Adams has not a way of eliminating each The College administra- by. I knew this day was go- posts on the Civil Discourse is slated to win the entire commented as of yet on his other 's chances of success, tion appears to be completely ing to come, and 1 have been and staying sober during the competition with his knowl- opinion of this and how to some seniors have resorted oblivious of this as they fo- preparing for it both mental- dances in Page Commons. edge of rugby-style combat , handle this issue as he and to drastic measures. cus on establishing a system ly and physically." This has not left the rest of sensitivity to gender norms his colleagues have been en- In one instance, Rachele for implementing their new- Gosling's training regi- the campus unscathed. Sarah and soothing, sultry voice. gaged in conversations on Overt '12 and a philosophy est initiative for a lobacco- men consists of long, rig- Lincolnville ' 14 said, "It's It is quite evident that the around College policy. major said. "As we all know A Cappella tensions hit a high note
The Colby Eight brings together survival skills and excellent fashion sense and has already gained The Blue Lights ' is the projected winner of Survivor, mostly because no one wants to see Obi harmed ,\ a fan base. and he 's pretty to look at. "• the show after finding out that pate, Colby 8 curled up in his Siren 's bright neon clothes derdog, oft-forgotten-she-ex- could no longer focus on mak- . Centuries-old Colby 8 has forged an alliance sleeping bag. proved too dazzling for them isted contestant won the chal- ing the contestants life hell. with EVE, in spite of his time- Walking toward the sun, the to sleep. lenge and immunity. So, there was to be no voting .' rivalries come honored coalition with Col- contestants saw host William Megalomaniac, or as s/he is Back in camp, Meg, being that night , and Bro biked up ; byette. In her exit interview, "Bro" Adams frolicking in better known, Meg, sang a duet the megalomaniac (look it to his house as the contestants to a head, Colbyette said. the old rugby with him/herself. The snakes up!) that s/he is, started talk- walked back to camp. ; I am leaving the field with a were too confused by the lack ing about why s/he did not win FAVORITE QUOTES OF; groups compete Arboretum be- gaggle of gi- of sexual certainty and started the challenge. "No wonder THE NIGHT: f or turf rights to cause I feel that it ant poison- breathing fire . "Oh, by the those damn snakes did not fall is my time to go. Blue Light ous snakes. way, they're magical snakes," asleep; I was too entertaining I trul y enjoyed "The chal- Bro said hastil y as he ran back to be missed," s/he said. Lorimer Chapel •"Where could 1 iron this my three hours would have lenge today to his posh house on campus. Suddenly, loud moans were Sunday dress7" in the woods, been burned to is to sing to Blue Light came up cau- heard nearby. EVE, with her By DEEP-ECHO but the pressure these snakes tiously and sang a Backstreet "ethnic senses," pranced from - Colbyette A CAPPELLA MOLE of the competi- a crisp had EVE to Make them Boys/R. Kclly/Boyz II Men rock to rock , and the others tion is beginning fall asleep. mash-up, hoping to first sexu- followed. There, on the cold , •"This tie is on too tight." | This week' s episode of Sur- to fray my hair." not stepped The prize is ally attract the snakes, then muddy forest floor laid Blue - Colby 8 vivor: Perkins Arboretum saw Colby 8, hesi- in. She sang a immunity for "take them to bed." At first , Light , naked atop one of the the remaining contestants reel- tant to comment, the next tribal the reptiles were immediately show's producers. Out of the •"I'm bri ghter than the sun." ing from last week's dramatic said that he did parseltongue council ," Bro enamored by his honey-like blue. Security jumped out - Siren debacle. For those who have what he did "in lullaby, at which said. "May voice. However, they sudden- from some nearby shrubs and not been paying attention , order to stay in the odds be ly remembered one late-night separated the couple. They > "Je suis la meilleure concur- have been buried underneath a the game," while point the snakes ever in your tryst with one Mason Roberts, took Blue Light away and the rente ici. Capite?!" mountain of homework, have EVE merely favor." and the snakes started hiss- producer stood up, wiped her - EVE injured themselves from loo muttered a few perfunctorily fell Siren ing and breathing fire at each li ps, straightened her plaid or have much leg-spreading, words in what walked to- other. skirt, and walked away. '"1 just fell on her. I didn 't * been in a drug/alcohol-in- asleep. could only be wards the Blue Light would have At tribal council the next mean to fuck her." , ' duced stupor all week here s Klingon, and no monstrous burned to a crisp had EVE night , Bro announced what - Blue Light what happened: in a genuinely translator was at reptiles and not stepped in. She sang a people already expected: Blue theatrical manner that is defi- hand. sang her ver- parseltongue lullaby, at which Light was disqualified for giv- "I am the coed-iest contestant • nitely beyond her, Colbyette The next sion of "Roll- point the snakes perfunctorily ing sexual favors to win the icre. I am sexual diversity per- • tore the pearls off her neck and morning, the remaining play- ing in the Deep." The snakes, fell asleep. After EVE finished competition. Apparently, over sonified." ! walked out of the woods, back ers were awakened by loud clearly Adele fans, enjoyed her song, the field became so the 24 hours in the Arboretum, -Meg bubble. into the Colby hissing and roaring. Claiming the performance. However, silent , you could hear jaws he had slept with more than ten departed She voluntaril y he was "too bereft " to partici- the upbeat song coupled with dropping all around. The un- Survivor employees, and they WHATSHOULDWEECHOME
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EVEN YO' GRANDMA LINDSAY FUCKSUM COM 'ON RACHFACE D0IN ' FEATURES & . „,.... . -_.. _ *-fc \ M r. LOVIN THE^u- LOCALS ON MY DICK EVERYTHING ELSE RACK CITY BITCH Adams: behind the Bro President William D. "Bro" Ad- over. nickname Bro?" I asked, eager to JANK IN THE THANK QUEEN OF THE WANKW WATERVILLIANS ams has held a range of distin- Camping out in Bro 's backyard finally know the truth. ROSTER STALKER COURT SHE'S MY BOSS guished positions including college that Friday evening, tucked beneath "Funny story actually," Bro re- CHODER the lilac bushes, I began to drift to sponded. "It alt started back dur- So HAMMERED president , war veteran and Fulbright CUTTY KRAPSAK scholar. For years, students of Col- sleep. I was awakened by the sound ing my freshman year at Colorado. IKAANTSCHPELL MAN DA HEADRINGTON THEPEEPINGCHRISES CELEB SHOT ' ' " "" by College have wondered why a of laughter. Looking up, I saw two After eating eight earth worms one CARPET MUNCHER "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" man as professionally acclaimed as figures emerge from Bro 's house night, I was officially inducted into QUESTIONABLE SEARCH SNOOKI "Tut I mgiiv President Adams still refers to him- and sprint towards Hillside. Jump- the Phi Gamma Delta fraternity. It HISTORY DID SHE EVEN P „ _j~_= self as "Bro." ing to my feet, I quickly followed was there that I truly honed the art WORK HERE? rAYS BErTEK The accredited website Urbandic- them. Their laughter led me to the of bro culture. Let 's just say that I T.« H.^ TVUICTX: "I HATE THIS PLACE" IIM DAll I WttIS CLEAN-UPi.LE«»ur CREW tionary.com defines a "Bro" as an Hillside underground tunnels. was pounding brews like it was go- BIG SHOES TO FILL FAMILY JULES ">" "18-25 year old white upper middle Now in the light, I could see Bro ing out of style and winning fantasy FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMENT class male who...is usually a mem- and Terhune jumping into the nor- football games before there was DAVID HASSELHOFF THE HONORABLE ber of a fraternity....A bro parties mally locked tunnels, clearly in a even fantasy football games. Vince BITCH OF ADZ MIEGIWNG NAHU 2012 CLASS hard ." Yet Bro Adams is none of rush. In their hurry, they forgot to Lombardi was my dude." Bro con- KOPP A FEEL SPEAKER SKETCH these things. He is over 25 years of relock the trapdoor. I jumped in af- tinued to tell me about how through PENO ILLS ER P MAD'S STREAKIN' S * F H U G n ,N wr HIN age, heads a college that banned fra- ter them. the years, he remained active to bro £ ™ J CALL ME KASEY ternities in 1984 and has restricted I was greeted by a familiar smell culture. But he said nothing about TUTTUNGFOR TlTS r, IRF rjirKS-Yl IM PROFESSIONA L VOYEURS Ll^^f party culture by banning both hard on campus: stale beer. In the dark- his time at Colby. Y ME^UT alcohol and tobacco products. So ness, I could see matches flicker- Curious, I asked, "Bro, if you tru- SWAN SONG why refer to himself as Bro? ing. Walking towards the light from ly are a bro, then why the anti-frat- OPEN FOR BUSINESS Searching for an answer, I first the matches, I came upon President alcohol-tobacco culture at Colby?" 5430 Mayflower Hill Drive, Waterville, Maine 04901 went to Bro 's office hours to ask Adams and Terhune removing Natty His eyes lighting up, Bro whis- (207) 859-5430 him for an answer in person. I went Lights from a box , the sheet from pered excitedly, "That 's the key to [email protected] I www.lhecolbyecho.com to his office hours every Monday earlier tossed to the side. Bro was the whole plan , bro! Where do you for four weeks, but seeing as they dressed in Nantucket reds, a la- think every confiscated bottle of are only for an hour each week , Bro crosse pinnie, a vineyard vines hat Bicardi and pack of Camels go? To could not be reached for comment, and boat shoes. Terhune wore a Ha- me and my brothers! You see, when even though 1 sat in his lobby twid- waiian shirt, a hard hat, jorts and coming to Colby, I was disturbed The Colby Echo is the weekly student newspaper of Colby College in Waterville. Maine. The paper is published every Wednesday that the College is in session. dling my thumbs. Pounding down a work boots. Caught red-handed, I by the lack of frat culture. Thus, I Students are strongly encouraged to contribute and should contact the editor's) of the pack of cigarettes and several shots asked , "Excuse me, but can I have called in my right hand man Jimmy section(s) they are interested in working for in order to learn more. to think , I saw Jim Terhune, Bro 's one of those Nattys?" "Kegzilla" Terhune to get the party right-hand man , walking down from "For sure, bro! Nothing like a started. The underground tunnels Hillside with what looked like a box fresh brew!" Bro responded, tossing connect to specific off-campus lo- LETTERS covered by a sheet. me the sacred nectar. cations where I can throw rippers Springing upon him , I posed my "Are you sure about this?" asked and play "Call Me Maybe." Those The Eclut encourages letters from its readers, especially those within the immediate question to him. The sound of met- a nervous Terhune. "He could be a underground fraternities you hear community Letters should not exceed 400 words and pertain to a current topic or is- al cans clinking together could be cop." about, me and Kegzilla revived that sue. However, the Echo reserves the right to run longer letters. Also, the Echo reserves heard from beneath the sheet. "Ex- "It 's all good mah dude ," Bro re- ish! We funnel them all the stuff we the right to edit submissions for grammar and clarity and may choose not to run a let- cuse me. Dean Terhune, why does sponded. "Just relax a little Jimmy. banned!" ter The Echo will not. under any circumstances, print an unsigned letter, President Adams refer to himself as This kid seems chill , he's wearing "So the nickname...?" I asked. letters are due to the Echo by midnight of the Sunday preceeding the publication date. Bro?" clothes that don ' t match, the sign of "You ever see The Godfather?" he They should be submitted via e-mail to [email protected] and be in a text-only format Stopping to stare at me, Terhune a true bro , and his jacket says Pa- inquired. looked me right in the eyes. "Don 't tagonia. Hey kid , you wanna hit up "Yes." ask questions you don 't want to a party with us?" Delighted to have "Well they call the Godfather Don OPINION PAGE know the answer to," Terhune said. an actual party to attend rather than Corleone in that movie. Fraternities 't realize what you ' re gel- to spend another night wandering are just like that. They call me Bro Editorials representthe majority opinion of the editorial board. Opinions expressed in the "You don Adams for one reason. Because the individual columns, letters or cartoons are thoseof the author, not of the Echo. ting yourself involved in. For your between Dana, the apartments and , The Etlio welcomes columnand cartoon submissions from members of the Colby community. own safety, I'm going to have to ban Hillside, I quickly agreed. girls love this one, I am the Bro fa- you from asking any more questions Although I don 't remember the ther " Shocked, I quickly paid my on this campus. It 's for your own rest of the night, I remember from respects. The Brofather had always ADVERTISING & SUBSCRIPTIONS good if you can 't ask questions as about 4 a.m. onward. It was then been a man of legend and mythical Colby." With the ban now effective, that I hid behind a large oak tree proportions , and now here he was, For more information on publication dates or advertising rates contact David I was forced to let Terhune continue with Bro while the cops searched crouching next to me behind a tree. Deneroff.ad manager, at [email protected] or (207 ) 872-5430 his way towards President Adams for us. Bro Adams. College president by house. But this quest was far from "Hey Bro, why do you use the day, Brofather by night. ii M ¦ — On the deans' hair IA vision-impairment simulation The Administration. That pro- a silver fox with the classic and verbial "other " that is a constant boyish side part. Dean Johnston presence in all of the dealings here has a meticulously styled hairdo at Colby. A body cited so frequent- with just the right amount of gray- ly by students for better or worse ing at the edges to look distin- during their gri p ings about The guished. Michael Kiser, the VP of Hill. After four years here at Col- Communications, has lusciously by I have found The Administra- flowing curls arranged in just the tion to be caring and hardworking right way. As for William Adams? people who truly do care about the Let's just say that Bro's got flow. needs and best interests of the stu- Don 't think that it 's only the male dents. While I have never doubted Deans that have impeccably styled the qualifications of members of hair either. Barbra Moore, a senior the administration , I have always associate dean also has a fantastic found myself wondering, "how did hairdo and Janice Kassman , spe- they end up in this job?" cial assistant to the president sure The question always "how are doesn 't roll out of bed that way. these people qualified to be ad- Neither does it seem that this con- ministrators?" Who chooses them spiracy is limited to just head hair, to become Deans of the college, my thoughts are that Jed Wart- and on what criteria are they cho- man an associate Dean of students sen? It seems to me like choos- made the cut on the strength of ing a Dean would be a difficult that voluptuous beard alone. process. The requirements of the Maybe it's coincidence. Maybe job seem to be varied and intan- all of these higher educators just gible. How would you know if happen to converge on the school they suited for the job? Are they with their impeccably styled hair the product of graduate programs by chance alone. My thoughts are in "higher ed?" Were these people though that the conspiracy runs who were really "good" at college much deeper than that and that during their four years as students proficiency in applying hair prod- and are subsequently suited to ad- ucts is evaluated during the hir- minister an institution of higher ing process. Colby is seeking to learning? After four years here at attract the brightest students , and Colby and countless interactions best groomed administrators. With with members of the senior staff, this thought in mind it may be pos- I have figured out what the most sible to predict some of the future important characteristic is to be- administrators at Colby based on come a Dean at Colby College. To the merits of their hair styling 's. become a member of the adminis- John Turner , you' re making a pret- tration here on the Hill , one must ty good play at the position. Paule have great hair. Yup that 's right; Spangle, not bad but I would sug- all of the members of senior staff gest going the route of thick facial have a particularly impressive hair hair like Jed if you 're looking to style. make the jump to Dean. Professor Let me go into a few examples. Reisert and Maisel, I'm sorry but Dean Terhune is the definition of give up hope now. Uncontrollably Growing Headline Threat- ens to Swal-
GET FUZZY BY CHARLES SCHULTZ low i y l Entire Page Shit Colby MTV rejects the Jitney 's desperate girls say... plea to be featured on Pimp My Ride 1.1 have to tell you about my night last night. 2. Who's that? I've nsver seen that person before. 3.1 have a table on the first floor. 4.1 made the best panini today. 5. The chicken's kind of dry. 6. She has really nice calf muscles. 7.1 think I'm going to go for a run later. 8. Someone stole my elliptical. 9. Want to go to that talk tonight? 10. 1 think he's a freshman? 11. He's okay. He doesn't wear Spetry's. 12. Did you read the discourse last night? 13. Then he shaved his head for crew. 14. When Obie sings this I want to cry. 15. Does Mark Nelson have a girlfriend? 16. They're out of soy milk! 17. Can 1 wear spandex with this? 18. Want to go to the spa after? 19. Want to split a quesadilla? 20. 1 don't think his roommate heard us... 21.1 think I need to re-evaluate my life. SPENCER PHILLIPS/THE COLBY ECHO ' ' requests to have jet engines and swag installed. 22. He's actually really nice. MTV's hit show that customizes vehicles to fit the owners needs denies Jitney drivers New water fountain New water fountain raises $$$ for Romney does other thingstoo least 65 decibels." the selection. By SIR WATERSCOTT Most students were very So far, many librarians are NINJA MERMAID responsive to the new water pleased with the progress that fountain, while others have has been made through the By now, most students been more apprehensive about use of the new water fountain. are familiar with the hands- the changes in hydration pro- President William "Bro" Ad- free water fountain on the cedure. Some students claim ams weighed in on this mat- first floor of Miller. Instead that the new water fountain ac- ter, saying "The fountain has of turning to Dasani and Po- tually increases the degree of simultaneously helped use land Springs to quench their awkwardness they experience achieve two goals: first , to thirsts, students are flock- when they go to refill their wa- increase the amount of social- ing to the water station to fill ter bottles. izing on the first floor and sec-! their reusable water bottles. One student said, "With the ondly, to convert more people What many students are less old water fountain, at least I into sticker-crazed, Nalgene- familiar with, however, is the had something to do with my toting hipsters." Library 's recently declassi- hands while I was filling my To help with this aspect of fied program to boost the lev- water bottle. Now I just don 't the campaign, the library is el of socialization on the first know where to put them. If I currently designing a new line floor of Miller. don 't see any of my friends of stickers to distribute during; "At this time last year," sitting at any of the tables next year 's first-year orienta- Research Librarian Suzi nearby, I just stand there awk- tion that read, "I only drink Cole said, "the loudness wardly while I watch my Nal- Miller [water]." The library level on the first floor of gene fill up." hopes that this will help attract Miller only reached about The library recently con- even more students to Miller* 50 decibels: the equivalent ducted an anonymous survey next year. of a loud whisper. When we to gauge how students spend Many students still have started losing kids to Olin their extra 15 seconds of lei- some questions about this ANNA THIN/THE COLBY ECHO and Bixler , we knew we had sure time while waiting for new aqueous installment. Miller s new water fountain is not only eco-friendh . but also increases the campus ' involvement in the Mitt For example, many students Romnev campaign Most students who work in Miller support Romney. " Librarian Marilyn R Pttkkila said to do something. In response their water bottles to fill up. to this sub-par performance, According to the results, 58 wonder about the counter on, Douglas Terp said , explain- efits of this support. "1 think the other librarians and I got percent of students prefer to the fountain that displays; By WATER HATCH ing that the count that sup- many students would agree together and decided that socialize with their friends, how many plastic water bot- MANATEE posedly records the number that it 's time to put another it was time to reassert our- 23 percent like to browse the tles have been saved through of plastic bottles saved actu- fiscally conservative can- selves as the most social li- DVD collection, 14 percent the use of this fountain. This past fall . Miller Library ally denotes dollars raised. didate in office," Terp said. brary on campus." take the time to use the bath- Dee Hydrated '12 asked, replaced a broken water foun- "So far, students have "Besides, Mitt really needs Cole believes that "by in- room and five percent pre- "Who are the thousands of tain on the first floor with a raised over $33,000 dollars." the money." vesting in a hands-free water ferred not to answer. mysterious water bottle filler- new eco-friendly version that he said proudly, and the Col- While Terp is impressed by fountain, we're giving students One student who refrained uppers who have increased expedites the refilling of reus- lege is optimistic about reach- the unprecedented student re- the opportunity to socialize in to answer the survey cited the number to almost 20,000? able water bottles and raises ing its goat of $40,000 by the sponse to his initiative, many the library while they are wait- his friend's negative expe- Either it 's some sort of con- money to support Mitt Rom- end of the school year. students have expressed out- ing for their water bottles to rience with water fountain spiracy, or Colby students just ney 's presidential campaign. Terp designed the fundrais- rage at the hidden agenda fill up. Gone are the days of down time. Apparently, his drink a s**t-ton of water." The "Every time you fill up ing initiative as a way "to behind the College's fancy having to stand dutifully by recently paralyzed friend, Hydration Research Team is your water bottle , the Col- promote student support for new technological device. "I the water fountain as you wait. who happened to be a DVD currently investigating this lege donates a dollar to Rom- right-wing politics ." he said, thought I was being green , We 're hoping the extra 15 sec- browser type, tripped when matter, but as of yet the identi- ney," Vice President for Ad- and the administration chose not voting red," one upset onds or so of socialization will he realized his Nalgene was ties of these thousands of stu- ministration and Treasurer Mitt Romney to reap the ben- student said. increase the noise level to at overflowing as he skimmed dents remain unknown. .'
Prof. Sandvmr Maisel turns in his bow tie By HARVEY SPANGLE partment said. We will be cancelling the daily PUPPY At the moment, Govern- Goldfarb dinners." ment Department Chair and Maisel's co-workers in Af ter an unconstitutionall y Professor Joseph Reisert is the government department lengthy term. William R. Ke- scrambling to find a professor have declined to comment on nan Jr. Professor of Govern- to replace Maisel next year— his leaving, althoug h some ment Sandy Maisel is stepping someone who can leach one in- students reported hearing down as President of the Gold- troductory class and one "ego whoops and cheers coming farb Center and the United trip" class, and ideally some- from the offices of Professors States of America and moving one who is excellent at estab- Qui lain Denoeux and An- to Brazil. lishing a sense of community thony Corrado. When asked While he is sad to leave the among students who spend a for comment while diligent- College and the country, *'I lot of time in Diamond. l y working in his office at 4 look forward to having time "He was like a father figure a.m.. Professor Kenneth Rod- to spend on my other inter- to us gov. majors." Maisel's re- man appeared to have been ests," Maisel said, including search assistant Justin Rouse ' 12 deep l y shaken by the news, he sewing floral aprons to sell said. "In fact, one time I got in a onl y muttered and hid under on Etsy.com , baking Funfetti fight with my parents and he of- his desk. birthday cakes for friends and fered to adopt me," Rouse said. While Maisel's co-work- singing Dolly Parion to his "From what I hear, I have ers—as well as several female honeybee hives. some big cowboys boots to underclassmen—are experi- Maisel said that after his fill ," Daniel Shea, Maisel's encing a myriad of emotions "'long, fun-filled career" on the replacement as Director of the surrounding his departure, in Hill it was just time for him to Goldfarb Center for Public Af- the end they will be sad to see try something new, although fairs and Civic Engagement, him go. "1 have to say, Maisel "\se all know he is leaving be- said. "However, I already brought something interesting cause fewer people have been foresee several hundred thou- to the department," Govern- commenting on his 'cool and sand dollars in budget surplus ment Professor Jennifer Yo- SPENCER PHILLIPS/THE COLBY ECHO fresh' bowties," one of his col- since I am not , how should I der said. "He always brought Goldfarb Center hosts a Harry Potter-themed going away party to give fomer director and professor leagues in the government de- say this, as hungry as Maisel. his dog." Sandy Maisel a proper send-off to Brazil, where he will teach Defense Against the Dark Arts classes. COLBY SEX WEB I 1 . Reporters from the Echo took on IWomens Rugby I the news-that and much more- —J T_ I—J I ^ "" Mens Rugby ^^ —p, Team Volleyball "~"~~ ^ s Sports \^^ I Editors | |COC ^^^ Female Class of 2012 ^ ~^ At Cougar Party \ psfewman CounriTj |Geo Majors [ Due to religious """ '— conflict, Bro Adams was C forced to intervene... r I Williams I ry^H through a threesome. | o l All Feb Frosh l Quad ¦ I Ji I I j_ 1 '——i s _—L—. I 1 SGA I ?, r-| Frat City | ' C ^ I [Class of 20151 \. °
^^^. Justin Rouse ^ Feminist I ^ IMens Hockeyl ( I y JAUiance I 1 I—J Men's Track and Field
I Women's Track and Field —I
I Gentlemen of Ss I — *- 1 ^ s*>« Physics Majors ^^ ^-i . \, Frisbee I ^ r^ I Those I "\ | OASIS I Theater I J MPhoto Editors| I Kids fc I Dartmouth I' '
I The Blue I I Anyone who has I laid their |Mr. Colb" y l I Obi I I 1 Lights privileged eyes , I — I on him. I rzEiz. I , . . ' Swimming, Diving, anything ,_—_ , . _ ,_,—. Mr. Bowdoin Bowdoin involving! water T_ I ~^1 I ^ ^K , , 1 -^-^^ I I |r xl^ - of at . l_| The Bridge^^ [Class 2014 Me !] Colb 1 Trustees Track, SGA fund drug cartel I DEVASTATOROF THE YEAR Colby 's offense explodes in wins ouer Brandeis
By S. BREEZY DEA OFFICER
Finally making sense of a suspicious consortium between Ihe College 's track team and the Student Government Association (SGA). the administration uncov- ered a long-standing erythropoie- tin smuggling network organized by the SGA. Masking its illegal activi- ties behind trips to other New England Small College Athletic Conference (NESCAC) schools to learn about their Gender and Sexuality Resource Centers, the SGA has accumulated nearly 15 tons of erythropoietin, a perfor- mance-enhancing alternative to blood doping, in the last year. "I thought I could kill two birds with one stone," cross country co-cap- tain and Resource Officer Berol Dewdney ' 13 said of her involve- Miller Printers ment in the transactions. "After all. my studliness on the track benefits the school too." SPORT: Eager to maintain their ac- BRITTNEY BELL/THE COLBY ECHO PT Members of the track and field team run their own drug cartel through the Student Government Association. Fucking up your day cess to the political drug trade, £^ ^^ the College track team upheld better, he wanted to get out of it. SGA impeachment for speaking ture SGA presidents and eager to HOMETOWN: >J S-J 4^1 their policy of solely recruiting But the dealer wouldn't let him. to the press, the administration take over the erythropoietin trade government majors this term. "I Now, Justin is Sandy Maisel's re- was shocked that such an ex- before the NESCAC Track and You know. Productivity hours thought Coach Aitken was ask- search assistant. So Sandy went tensive hazing event had gone Field Championships, 2012-2013 l0St ing about my major because she to see this dealer and offered him unpunished. According to SGA track captain and SGA President WHY: wanted me to go to a class, but SI0,000 to let Justin go, but the Co-President and four-year team Morgan Lingar '13 teamed up Finish homework on laptop. E-mail yourself your she kept mentioning how great dealer said no. So the next day, member Rouse, "any great poli- with Vice President Kareem Kahl the Gov. Department is," prospec- Sandy went back, only this time tician knows that a position of to stage an attempted coup. The homework. Log into Miller computer. Wait two tive student Kelly Hathaway said with Jared Beers. Within an hour, power is essential to a successful pair planted their ally, Uzoma minutes for Windows to load. Think, why do these of her experience being recruited he had a signed release for a certi- cover-up." After a 2010 hazing Orchingwa '14, as a disgruntled computers still run on Windows? Open your e-mail for the track team this spring. fied check of $ 1 ,000." scandal, the College's swim team student to stir up dissent from the on computer. Download your one-paged double- "Government's cool, but I kind of Silence ensued, partially be- quickly realized this tidbit and existing regime in the Digest of spaced response paper. Print. You're home free. just want to be a Spanish major." cause the first-years were still slapped Samuel Andler *12 and the Civil Discourse. Orchingwa Upon realizing that her exces- panting from their jaunt up Run- Raymond Rieling '12 onto the was unavailable for comment, but Wait. No you're not. Log into Print Release Sta- sive nose hair left her better suited nals and partially because they SGA Executive Board. More in- a spokesperson for the Charles tion. Print your homework. Paper jam. Ask librari- for Bowdoin College, Hathaway were unsure where this reenact- formation on their activities will Hamilton Houston Colby Pre- an to fix paper jam. Librarian fixes paper jam. Print chose another NESCAC school, ment of The Godfather would be addressed in next week's cor- Law Club assured the Echo that again. Log off print release station. Log off. FUCK. and the decision spared her the lead, according to current Per- ruption series installment, "Aqua he was unaware of the group's track team's brutal hazing ordeal. kins-Wilson Dorm President Mule Gambling Ring: Swimming drug involvement. A first-year track member who David White '15. East Quad in Dangerous Circles." The biggest blow to SGA's asked to remain anonymous re- Dorm President Monica Davis Hoping to divert attention from erythropoietin smuggling system, BY THE NUMBERS layed the hazing process, in which '13 spurred the story on, asking, the track team, SGA refused to and the incident that led to its dis- first-years were required to sprint "How did he do that?" renovate the notoriously shoddy covery by the administration, was 0: Jokes about Colby volleyball in this issue. up Runnals Hill 68 times while "Coach made him an offer he four-lane indoor track this year Dominique Kone's *13 refusal to Just saying. Hi Mackie. answering political trivia. After couldn't refuse," Williams replied and instead allotted funds to a become involved. "Normally, the they completed this feat, upper- with an eerie smile, referring to four-month reconstruction of the tradition is that the people with classmen explained the team's the $25 million of Nike gear pur- swimming pool, which looks ex- the longest races get the high- 1500: Weekly hunger strikes staged in pro- involvement with SGA and the chased for Middlebury College, actly the same, though some of est SGA positions, but we were test of Meatless Fucking Monday. drug trade. allegedly with SGA drug money that money came from the swim going to make an exception for "Well , when Justin [Rouse "I thought we were playing an team's gambling activities. The Dom," Rouse said of the 100-me- '12] was first starting out, he was extended version of the movie organization also removed perks ter national champion. Refusing signed to a erythropoietin contract game," White said, "But once the for the SGA Executive Board in Rouse's offer to become SGA with this dealer in Middletown," political trivia started up, and they an attempt to appear less corrupt dictator, Kone exposed the drug I Colby fall semester Perkins-Wilson waterboarded us for every answer and because "I'm graduating any- scandal the administration say- Dorm President and track team that we missed, 1 sensed some- way," Rouse said. ing he was opposed to an SGA- member John Williams '13 told thing was up." Frustrated with the incumbent Track drug consortium on moral first-years during the initiation. Having heard White's testimo- co-president 's dismissal of the grounds and because "I'm just On Deck "And as his running got better and ny and learned of his impending first pick at room draw for fu- that good," he said. THIS WEEK'S FEATURED GAMES
IPLAY SOFTBALL Meatless Monday analyzed THE BEERS VS. DANA SAUCE SATURDAY AT 1 P.M. Athletic Conference schools. the Meatless Monday cam- pecially on the football team, Athletes suffer In order to maintain our reputa- paign is the effect that it has are suffering from these re- f rom malnowrish- tion and high college ranking, on the College's tuition rates. forms. A high number of foot- CAMPUS GOLF MASTERS it is important that our students Rather than suffer through ball players have complained FINAL ROUND ment, dorm dam- succeed not only academically, constant tuition rate increases, that they are malnourished. SUNDAY AT 7 A.M. MILLER LAWN but also aesthetically." Colby has decided to spend Additionally, the menu change age decreases On another note, studies less money on meat and there- has created much confusion. show that Colby athletes, in at- fore this year the tuition will One football player said, "No COLBY BEIRUT CLASSIC tempts to pack on the pounds, only increase by 3.5 percent. one told me 1 had to actually FINAL FOUR intake vast quantities of meat. The Colby administration is pay attention in my Spanish By TARA TINKLER and FRIDAY AT 9 P.M. IN THE APTS, PROBABLY ; SYD LICIOUS Companies inject steroids into taking these measures a step class. What does couscous NUTRITIONISTS their livestock in order to en- further. In a recent all-campus translate to? And what is Sa- rich the overall quality of that forum discussion, Dean Ter- tan? I mean, Seitan?" This past year, Sodexo in- meat. Therefore, when Colby hune stated that , "This past As President Bro Adams had troduced the "Meatless Mon- athletes digest these products, admissions cycle, vegans hoped , Meatless Monday has day" plan into Colby 's dining the steroids enter their bod- and vegetarians were given resulted in dramatic weight loss. halls. This system is designed ies as well. These steroids priority. Within the class of Interestingly, several football to not only curb student ap- increase the athletes ' aggres- 2016 , 99 percent of accepted players have been approached to petites but also to hel p com- sion levels and lead to violent students do not eat meat. We appear in campaigns similar to bat the ever-increasing tuition cases of dorm damage, includ- recognize that Colby is often the popular projects that combat S^^B rates at the College. ing the example of the vending viewed as the one percent and starvation in Africa. ^ President Bro Adams was machine penetrated by a tree so, through this measure, we It is unclear what long-term quoted as saying: "It has come trunk. Colby nutritionists con- hope to make the 99 percent effects Meatless Monday will *—^yi Bi* to our attention that Colby has clude that the Meatless Mon- more comfortable." have on the student body. De- v J a hi gher average body fat per- day tactic has helped decrease Despite the positive effects pite concerns of malnoursh- centage in comparison to other such aggressive behavior. of Meatless Monday, many ment, the administration ap- New England Small College Another positive effect of groups of student athletes, es- pears committed the cause.