[ Adams Attempts to Lose Bro" Title
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Abstinence scandal [ Adams attempts to lose uBro" title breaks campus spirit take extreme measures to keep By DEE-KAY SUNDAH its facilities organized with all of MINISTER OF DAT ASS the condoms around. "We have AL-PAL EXXZERCHIEN- encouraged faculty and staff to SHANBERGER take from the stockpile and use GREAT SEX AMBASSADOR the condoms for any purpose they can think of." Rumors circulating campus of To this end, the physics de- a widespread abstinence scandal partment has begun a long-term are sweeping the campus. The study comparing the spring Colby Echo, your source of all constants of condoms made things good and true, is here with by different manufacturers. the inside scoop. Though the physics professors It 's a Saturday night and are excited to be handling a the campus has fallen into a new material, the students re- deathly silence as students re- main uncomfortable with han- fuse to fornicate. dling items that were intended It is a hard time for this cam- to cover penises. pus, and the administration is not "It makes me feel funny when making the blow any softer with I touch one of them. I just don't its nebulous emails that just leave know how to deal with this," the students in a greater shroud of Chrissy Redoh '12 said. mystery. President William "Da Alumni who have heard of Bro" Adams wrote, "My lack this widespread abstinence of prior comment to the com- have become increasingly con- munity should not be taken as cerned about the blue light indifference," on the subject of on Miller Tower. If this trend abstinence. "These are deeply continues, a virgin may gradu- troubling allegations that have ate from the College this year. far-reaching impacts on our com- Though many students know munity. And I know we are all that the blue light will go out concerned about whether the if a virgin ever graduates from campus climate encourages or ex- the College, it is not common- cuses behaviors that are antitheti- ly known that such an event ¦-—¦ " "" ""¦ '- -—>—-- - ¦ ---- -- —¦ - ¦>¦ - - - -- — - -•" ~- - - cal to our community values. would cause immense destruc- COURTESY OF PRESIDENT ADAMS'PERSONAL STALKER One could say community values tion. A catastrophic explosion Don 't forget to put a caption here. Seriously, it s' , like, really important because the article about this totally isn 't right below the picture. have changed a great deal. at the top of the tower would "I used to fall asleep to the cause Shockwaves of the Col- By THE NEW GIRL fused, teachers and students "In November, we expe- walking by, and offended by sound of my neighbor and his lege 's 200 years of sexual en- HOB-NOBBER simply refer to Adams now as rienced the lowest numbers the statement, suspended the girlfriend getting it on," Susie ergy. The College 's tenured "the Administration," and staff for bro tolerance on campus, student for a semester based Needafinger, a first-year, said. parapsychologists have theo- When students, faculty and members in the Eustis offices although we have not gotten purely on insubordination. "She was very vocal, and you rized that every man and wom- staff reflect on the 2011-12 aca- are now so disoriented that back the analysis of why," Ter- When asked about his al- could tell he 's a randy guy," she an in a 10-mile radius would demic year, they will undoubted- they now simply drop to their hune explained, "From there, leged double life as an under- smiled shyly. "They would be experience a mind-numbing ly see it as one of Colby's most knees and bow whenever Ad- we thought that maybe we cover member of the Colby going at it all night. The sound orgasm, causing permanent active years, with a consistently ams' presence is confirmed in should take a step in a differ- lacrosse and football teams, was very rhythmic and soothing, cognitive impairment. present vocalization of the need the building. ent naming direction." Adams declined to comment, but since this disgraceful move- "It has been the duty of the 'se- for change and improvements The decision A freshman although he did mention the ment has hit campus, I can't fall cret ' frats for decades to ensure on the Hill. From the establish- to drop "Bro" (who wished to re- "ease with which people can asleep anymore." that every student gets laid before ing of a Gender and Sexual Di- from the seal main anonymous be disguised in sports that re- One of the perpetrators of graduating. The blue light must versity Program to the outrage and signature In his search for fear of her dis- quire helmets." abstinence agreed to speak with stay lit at all costs," Vice Presi- over Meatless Mondays, stu- of the Presi- ciplinary record Despite the imposed identity the Echo on the condition that dent for Student Affairs and Dean dents have expressed their frus- dent was made for less and social stand- crisis, the Colby President is he remain anonymous. "Every- of Students Jim Terhune said. tration through paper banners, with the help provocative ing) tearfully re- still standing strong. "No need one's attacking us. We get no Officers of the Outings and Discourse posts and screaming of Dean of Stu- called the night to worry," Adams said. "I have love from the students who still Activities for Students Initi- matches with the administra- dents and Vice titles, Adams that she was "in been and will always continue engage in sexual activity, and ating Sobriety Club (OASIS) tion. Students have been picking President of has considered the Apartments to be a *bro. ' My bro-ness is none from the administration. have seen an incredible jump in sides, teachers desperately avoid Student Affairs when someone entrenched in my very soul. I It 's become a brave act just to membership. Students abstain- using the words "assault," "scan- Jim Terhune. "Supreme yelled *Hey Bro!' can 't turn my back on that." • save room for Jesus' with my ing from sex have found a new dal" and "gender" in classroom Adams and Lord," "His at someone who Shawn Thompson '15, one girlfriend on the Pulver dance home with the sober population conversations and parents have Terhune, it has had just come in. I of the remaining members of floor," he said. "Colby's become on campus, likely due to the ceased their mid-week phone been revealed , Bro-liness" was kinda wasted the football team, expressed his a hostile place." strong tie between the previous calls to ask how things are going have developed and "The and high and para- sympathies for President Ad- The prominence of absti- alcohol and hook-up cultures. on campus. a richter-scale noid , so I freaked ams' situation by saying, "wait... nence on campus has caused a "1 don't see any point in do- No one is feeling these of sorts, pri- Grand Poobah out and leapt un- does that mean we don 't get our storage crisis for the Garrison- ing body shots if I'm not going changes more, however, than marily used to of All things der a table." new weight room?" The men 's Foster Health Center. Having to have sex afterwards," Chastity President William D. Adams, gauge student Another senior lacrosse and hockey teams ex- been accustomed to an incred- Beltsmith * 13 said. whose now-former nickname acceptance of Colby-ish." remembered his pressed similar concerns. ible demand for condoms over The question still remains if all of 'Bio ' has been called into the bro culture. own sophomore In his search for less pro- the past decade, the Center had parties involved have abstained question. Accusations of in- "It helps me to experience, when vocative titles, Adams has signed up for a weekly deliv- with consent. Security officers sensitivity and sports-team feel connected after an afternoon considered "Supreme Lord ," ery system. However, since have begun an investigation to favortism have run rampant to the students," playing football "His Bro-liness" and "The the scandal began, the condoms determine whether the abstinence as of late. In a last-ditch at- Adams said. "Whenever some- on the Quad, he yelled at his Grand Poobah of All Things have continued to accumulate at has come about as a result of ram- tempt at damage control , Ad- one on this campus says the friend, "Bro, you ' re such an Colby-ish." Suggestions may a breakneck pace. pant cock-blocking on campus. ams has only been referred word 'Bro,' the scale confirms a ** hole." Little did he know be submitted by email to "We were not prepared for this The Echo will continue to to as "President Adams" in whether or not it is in reference that President Adams was [email protected]. rapid change," Medical Direc- thoroughly probe deep inside this emails and Official Notices for to me, and whether it is positive. tor DT. Paul Berkner said. The "Bermuda Triangle" until it has the last few months, creating This is how 1 know if s okay to Health Center has been forced to satisfied all parties involved. use the name." a panic around the Hill. Con- ITHIS WEEK'S ECHO I Something called "Pugh Center" closes By SOME WHITE KID "It had these couches that the Goldfarb Center 's large tip said. After saying this, he HIP-HOP EXPERT always looked really comfort- poster-printing machines. promptl y buried his head in able," Huntington 's friend, When asked about this ru- the dirt of a potted plant in Last Monday, President Skylar Simmons '14 said of mor, Vice President of Student his office.