Other-Child Play: Collaboration Or Power Struggle?
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other-Child Play: Collaboration or Power Struggle? IE\"'B~R. WILSON, FELICIA ROBERTS, AND ELIZABETH A. MUNZ ing of family boundaries begins in for the connection and interaction between a par- cirildJuxxr (Karraker & Grochowski, 2006, p. 346). ent and a child. Therefore, styles of play or con- Ie most complicated aspects of raising flict may work well for one parent-child dyad and involves letting go, allowing a child to become problematic for another one, even in the next move toward independence. For same family. 111lJs.parents this is a bittersweet process; for some Family power struggles are natural and even ptlTmrs letting go becomes a highly conflictual healthy as long as one person is not always over- process- When children are young, renegotiation powered. Part of parenting involves "letting go" ol j1OW"i!T involves subtle shifts managed through as a child struggles to learn new ways to gain - and nonverbal communication by parents independence. Physically abusive parents are char- and their offspring. "The pushes and pulls among acterized by the following patterns in face-to face famil), members as they work together to meet family interactions: (1) frequency, duration, inten- inJivid1lll1 and family needs require negotiation" sity and sequencing of negative parenting behav- (Karraker 5- Grochowski, 2006, p. 346). Yet, in iors, (2) verbal aggression and physical aggression healthy families, the end goal is to empower every are linked, (3) abuse reflects how parents form/ family member. pursue interaction goals, (4) thinking and feeling SegotiLlting family power does not come eas- differently during family interaction and (5) hold- ily to an parents. Although some parents make ing distorted perceptions of their child as an inter- l'ery conscious choices about raising children, action partner (Wilson, 2006). many rely on their family-of-origin or cultural In the United States corporal punishment, such patterns to raise the next generation without con- as slapping, hitting, grabbing, or shoving is declin- sidering any alternatives. In certain cases, positive ing; it is highest with younger children and declines outcomes result; in other cases, struggles abound. through adolescence (Olson, DeFrain & Skogrand, The transactional nature of relationships, or the 2008). Do you believe these changes might con- mutual influence process, serves as the unpinning tribute to the use of verbal aggression? If so, what 346 36: Mother-Child Play 347 might be done to also reduce the amount of verbal can reveal important insights about the parent- aggression? child relationship. We have studied how mothers who self-report a tendency towards verbal aggres- REFERENCES siveness play with their children. We found that Karraker, M. W., & Grochowshi, J. R. (2006). Families they often try to control the interaction rather with futures. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum. than following their child's lead. In other words, Olson, D. H., DeFrain, J., & Skogrand, L. (2008). a tendency to be verbally aggressive is associ- Marriage & families: Intimacy, diversity and ated with broader patterns of parenting that may strengths. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill. undermine children's self-esteem or encourage Wilson, S. R. (2006). Child physical abuse. In K. M. oppositional child behavior even in situations that Galvin & P.J. Cooper (Eds.), Making connections: are supposed to be fun. To clarify this point, we Readings in relational communication (ath ed., provide a brief background on verbal aggression, pp. 260-265). New York, NY: Oxford University describe our own research on parent-child play, Press. and discuss what the findings tell us about the role of communication in defining healthy parent- child relationships. The mother and child relationship represents one of the most powerful human bonds. Such a con- VERBAL AGGRESSION AND nection is seen as uniquely special; many consider PARENTING it a cornerstone for a child's well-being and devel- Infante and Rancer (1996) define verbal aggression opment. Yet, just because persons in a relationship as behaviors that attack another's self-concept in hold the label of "mother" or the label of child does order to inflict psychological pain (e.g., feelings not predict with accuracy the nature or quality of of humiliation or embarrassment). They distin- their tie. guish verbal aggression from argumentation: the For many, the word "play" brings back former occurs when parents attack their child fond childhood memories. Although difficult to personally whereas the latter occurs when par- define precisely, researchers have identified sev- ents explain why they disagree with their child's eral typical elements of play, including that it is: ideas. Examples of verbal aggression include call- (a) intrinsically self motivated (done for the sat- ing a child "dumb," "lazy," or "no good" as well as isfaction of doing it), (b) freely chosen by partici- yelling or swearing at a child. pants (children forced into an activity are unlikely Although all parents say things that they to view it as play), (c) pleasurable, (d) non-literal later regret, many studies have found that fre- (often involves an element of make-believe), and quent parental verbal aggression is associated (e) actively engaged in, physically and/or psycho- with negative outcomes for children, including logically (Hughes, 2010). Through play, children low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, having use their creativity and imagination, practice adult trouble making friends, getting into fights with roles, learn to work in groups and manage conflict, other children, and poor school performance address fears in a non-threatening environment, (Moore & Pepler, 2006; Solomon & Serres, 1999; and discover their own interests (Ginsburg, 2007). Teicher, Samson, Polcari, & McGreenery, 2006; Children sometimes play alone, but often play with Vis sing, Straus, Gelless, & Harrop, 1991). These Siblings, peers, parents, and other adult caretakers. studies show that: (a) parental verbal aggression By joining their children in play, parents have the is associated with negative outcomes for children chance to see the world through their child's eyes even after controlling for parents' physical aggres- while communicating that they are responsive and sion (e.g., slapping, shoving), (b) the frequency involved with their child (Ginsburg, 2007). of parental verbal aggression is as good-if not Although play is "fun" rather than "serious," a better-predictor of negative outcomes for observing parents and children playing together children as is parental physical aggression, and 348 PART VII: CONTEXTS (c) these negative outcomes occur regardless of or "Other." About 60% were single mothers who whether children are in preschool, elementary lived with their children, extended family, and/ school, or high school. or an unmarried partner. Flyers advertising the In the communication discipline, a large body study (approved by our university) were posted at of research has focused on trait verbal aggression the social service agencies, and mothers contacted (VA), or individual differences in people's general us to set a time to complete the study. tendency to be verbally aggressive. Most stud- Upon arriving at the social service agency, ies measure people's trait VA using Infante and each mother was videotaped playing with her Wigley's (1986) verbal aggressiveness scale, which child for approximately 12 minutes. A blanket was asks respondents to rate whether statements such placed on the floor of a conference room and a box as the following are true of them: "When indi- of toys (e.g., puzzles, blocks) was placed on the viduals are stubborn, I use insults to soften their blanket. A camcorder on a tripod was set in the stubbornness" and "If individuals I am trying to corner to videotape the play. The mother and child influence really deserve it, I attack their character." were told that they could play with one or several Parents who score high on this measure are thought toys in any order that they chose. They were asked to be extremely sensitive to situational stressors to stay on the blanket so that they would be in (e.g., a child who repeatedly ignores his/her par- range of the camera. After 10 minutes, a researcher ent's reminders that it is bed time) and hence more knocked on the door and said it was time to clean prone to using verbal aggression. Parents high in up. The mother had been instructed to put the toys trait VA report being angry with their children back into the box at that point, making sure her more often and spanking their children more fre- child helped clean up. This cleanup period lasted quently compared to parents who score low on the about 2 minutes. Upon completing the play ses- scale (Bayer & Cegala, 1992, Roberto, Carlyle, & sion, the mother responded to several question- McClure, 2006). naires including the trait VA scale, after which we Although parents who self-report a tendency answered questions and thanked the mother and to be verbally aggressive may be most likely to act child for participating. directly on this predisposition (i.e., attack their Initially we trained undergraduate coders to child verbally) when faced with situational stres- count the number of commands and suggestions sors, the predisposition may be evident in other each mother used during her play period (Wilson ways that parents behave even in situations that et al., 2008). Commands take the form of impera- are much less stressful. Our own research has tives, such as "Take that out of the box"