other-Child Play: Collaboration or Power Struggle?

IE\"'B~R. WILSON, FELICIA ROBERTS, AND ELIZABETH A. MUNZ

ing of family boundaries begins in for the connection and interaction between a par- cirildJuxxr (Karraker & Grochowski, 2006, p. 346). ent and a child. Therefore, styles of play or con- Ie most complicated aspects of raising flict may work well for one parent-child dyad and involves letting go, allowing a child to become problematic for another one, even in the next move toward independence. For same family. 111lJs.parents this is a bittersweet process; for some Family power struggles are natural and even ptlTmrs letting go becomes a highly conflictual healthy as long as one person is not always over- process- When children are young, renegotiation powered. Part of parenting involves "letting go" ol j1OW"i!T involves subtle shifts managed through as a child struggles to learn new ways to gain - and nonverbal communication by parents independence. Physically abusive parents are char- and their offspring. "The pushes and pulls among acterized by the following patterns in face-to face famil), members as they work together to meet family interactions: (1) frequency, duration, inten- inJivid1lll1 and family needs require negotiation" sity and sequencing of negative parenting behav- (Karraker 5- Grochowski, 2006, p. 346). Yet, in iors, (2) verbal aggression and physical aggression healthy families, the end goal is to empower every are linked, (3) abuse reflects how parents form/ family member. pursue interaction goals, (4) thinking and feeling SegotiLlting family power does not come eas- differently during family interaction and (5) hold- ily to an parents. Although some parents make ing distorted perceptions of their child as an inter- l'ery conscious choices about raising children, action partner (Wilson, 2006). many rely on their family-of-origin or cultural In the United States corporal punishment, such patterns to raise the next generation without con- as slapping, hitting, grabbing, or shoving is declin- sidering any alternatives. In certain cases, positive ing; it is highest with younger children and declines outcomes result; in other cases, struggles abound. through adolescence (Olson, DeFrain & Skogrand, The transactional nature of relationships, or the 2008). Do you believe these changes might con- mutual influence process, serves as the unpinning tribute to the use of verbal aggression? If so, what

346 36: Mother-Child Play 347

might be done to also reduce the amount of verbal can reveal important insights about the parent- aggression? child relationship. We have studied how mothers who self-report a tendency towards verbal aggres- REFERENCES siveness play with their children. We found that Karraker, M. W., & Grochowshi, J. R. (2006). Families they often try to control the interaction rather with futures. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum. than following their child's lead. In other words, Olson, D. H., DeFrain, J., & Skogrand, L. (2008). a tendency to be verbally aggressive is associ- Marriage & families: Intimacy, diversity and ated with broader patterns of parenting that may strengths. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill. undermine children's self-esteem or encourage Wilson, S. R. (2006). Child physical abuse. In K. M. oppositional child behavior even in situations that Galvin & P.J. Cooper (Eds.), Making connections: are supposed to be fun. To clarify this point, we Readings in relational communication (ath ed., provide a brief background on verbal aggression, pp. 260-265). New York, NY: Oxford University describe our own research on parent-child play, Press. and discuss what the findings tell us about the role of communication in defining healthy parent- child relationships. The mother and child relationship represents one of the most powerful human bonds. Such a con- VERBAL AGGRESSION AND nection is seen as uniquely special; many consider PARENTING it a cornerstone for a child's well-being and devel- Infante and Rancer (1996) define verbal aggression opment. Yet, just because persons in a relationship as behaviors that attack another's self-concept in hold the label of "mother" or the label of child does order to inflict psychological pain (e.g., feelings not predict with accuracy the nature or quality of of humiliation or embarrassment). They distin- their tie. guish verbal aggression from argumentation: the For many, the word "play" brings back former occurs when parents attack their child fond childhood memories. Although difficult to personally whereas the latter occurs when par- define precisely, researchers have identified sev- ents explain why they disagree with their child's eral typical elements of play, including that it is: ideas. Examples of verbal aggression include call- (a) intrinsically self motivated (done for the sat- ing a child "dumb," "lazy," or "no good" as well as isfaction of doing it), (b) freely chosen by partici- yelling or swearing at a child. pants (children forced into an activity are unlikely Although all parents say things that they to view it as play), (c) pleasurable, (d) non-literal later regret, many studies have found that fre- (often involves an element of make-believe), and quent parental verbal aggression is associated (e) actively engaged in, physically and/or psycho- with negative outcomes for children, including logically (Hughes, 2010). Through play, children low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, having use their creativity and imagination, practice adult trouble making friends, getting into fights with roles, learn to work in groups and manage conflict, other children, and poor school performance address fears in a non-threatening environment, (Moore & Pepler, 2006; Solomon & Serres, 1999; and discover their own interests (Ginsburg, 2007). Teicher, Samson, Polcari, & McGreenery, 2006; Children sometimes play alone, but often play with Vis sing, Straus, Gelless, & Harrop, 1991). These Siblings, peers, parents, and other adult caretakers. studies show that: (a) parental verbal aggression By joining their children in play, parents have the is associated with negative outcomes for children chance to see the world through their child's eyes even after controlling for parents' physical aggres- while communicating that they are responsive and sion (e.g., slapping, shoving), (b) the frequency involved with their child (Ginsburg, 2007). of parental verbal aggression is as good-if not Although play is "fun" rather than "serious," a better-predictor of negative outcomes for observing parents and children playing together children as is parental physical aggression, and 348 PART VII: CONTEXTS

(c) these negative outcomes occur regardless of or "Other." About 60% were single mothers who whether children are in preschool, elementary lived with their children, extended family, and/ school, or high school. or an unmarried partner. Flyers advertising the In the communication discipline, a large body study (approved by our university) were posted at of research has focused on trait verbal aggression the social service agencies, and mothers contacted (VA), or individual differences in people's general us to set a time to complete the study. tendency to be verbally aggressive. Most stud- Upon arriving at the social service agency, ies measure people's trait VA using Infante and each mother was videotaped playing with her Wigley's (1986) verbal aggressiveness scale, which child for approximately 12 minutes. A blanket was asks respondents to rate whether statements such placed on the floor of a conference room and a box as the following are true of them: "When indi- of toys (e.g., puzzles, blocks) was placed on the viduals are stubborn, I use insults to soften their blanket. A camcorder on a tripod was set in the stubbornness" and "If individuals I am trying to corner to videotape the play. The mother and child influence really deserve it, I attack their character." were told that they could play with one or several Parents who score high on this measure are thought toys in any order that they chose. They were asked to be extremely sensitive to situational stressors to stay on the blanket so that they would be in (e.g., a child who repeatedly ignores his/her par- range of the camera. After 10 minutes, a researcher ent's reminders that it is bed time) and hence more knocked on the door and said it was time to clean prone to using verbal aggression. Parents high in up. The mother had been instructed to put the toys trait VA report being angry with their children back into the box at that point, making sure her more often and spanking their children more fre- child helped clean up. This cleanup period lasted quently compared to parents who score low on the about 2 minutes. Upon completing the play ses- scale (Bayer & Cegala, 1992, Roberto, Carlyle, & sion, the mother responded to several question- McClure, 2006). naires including the trait VA scale, after which we Although parents who self-report a tendency answered questions and thanked the mother and to be verbally aggressive may be most likely to act child for participating. directly on this predisposition (i.e., attack their Initially we trained undergraduate coders to child verbally) when faced with situational stres- count the number of commands and suggestions sors, the predisposition may be evident in other each mother used during her play period (Wilson ways that parents behave even in situations that et al., 2008). Commands take the form of impera- are much less stressful. Our own research has tives, such as "Take that out of the box" or "Help investigated differences in mother-child play momma clean up." Suggestions propose a course when mothers are high versus low in trait VA. of action for the child (or mother and child) in the form of a statement, such as "Let's do this" to "You MATERNAL TRAIT VA AND gotta put it in the right hole" (explaining how to MOTHER-CHILD PLAY use a toy). Coders also identified any instances of In our research, we observed 40 mothers playing verbal aggression or statements in which a mother with one of their children between the ages of 3 and communicated overt disapproval of her child (e.g., 8 years (Roberts, Wilson, Delaney, & Rack, 2009; "You're lazy," or "It's no wonder your little brother Wilson, Roberts, Rack & Delaney, 2008). Mothers doesn't like to play with you"). Other undergradu- were recruited from two social service agencies in ates were trained to rate the degree to which each a large metropolitan area and paid $50 for partici- child was cooperative during the play period. pating. On average, mothers were 31 years and had Child cooperation was defined as the degree to completed 13 years of education. About two-thirds which the child's actions were in harmony with described their ethnic background as "African the apparent wishes of the mother, and demon- American," 20% as "Hispanic/Latina" and the strated by behaviors such as a child complying rest as "European American," "Asian American," with the mother's commands/suggestions as well 36: Mother-Child Play 349

as asking questions rather than demanding his/ detailed written transcripts for all eight play ses- her own way. None of the undergraduate coders sions, taking note of what mothers and children knew which mothers had scored high or low on said and also nonverbal features such as vocal the trait VA scale. pitch, pauses, and gestures. We analyzed what Several interesting findings emerged from child behaviors led up to mothers' commands and these initial analyses. First, verbal aggression did suggestions, what mothers were trying to accom- not occur in these play-time interactions. The 40 plish with them, and how children responded, mothers performed virtually no verbally aggres- looking for differences that consistently distin- sive behaviors as they played with their chil- guished high vs. low trait VA mothers. dren. This may reflect that mothers were being Based on these follow-up analyses, we con- videotaped, their children were actively engaged cluded that mothers high in trait VA not only with new toys, and the play sessions were only 12 used commands and suggestions more often minutes long. The play periods did not contain than low trait VA mothers, they also approached the types of situational stressors (e.g., repeated the activity of "play" itself differently. High trait child noncompliance) that would elicit verbally VA mothers tended to treat the play session as a aggressive behavior. A second, key finding is that "task" to be managed, and attempted to control although mothers were not verbally aggressive, the choice of activities and the manner in which those mothers who scored high on the trait VA activities were done. Low trait VA mothers tended scale still used far more commands and sugges- to treat the play session as something to be done tions during the play periods compared to moth- collaboratively with the child (i.e., play for play's ers who scored low on trait VA. It is important to sake), and hence used a variety of actions includ- clarify that all mothers gave commands and sug- ing commands and suggestions to support their gestions as they played, but mothers high in trait child's playful pursuits. VA did so especially often. For example, the 10 Comparing how two mothers-one high in mothers who scored highest on the trait VA scale trait VA and the other low-initiate a new activity on average made more than 5 commands or sug-' with their child should help illustrate this differ- gestions during each minute of their play period, ence (for more examples, see Roberts et al., 2009). whereas the 10 mothers who scored lowest on trait Excerpt 1 occurs at the start of the play period VA made about 3 commands or suggestions per involving a high trait VA mother and her three- minute. Finally, children of mothers high in trait year old son. The mother (M) pulls a shape sorter VA were rated as less cooperative than children of from the box, but her child (C) is not particularly mothers low in trait VA. This occurred despite the interested and keeps trying to return to the box fact that observers did not know which mothers of toys. were high or low in trait VA and even though most children appeared to enjoy the play. Excerpt 1 (Dyad 21) Given these initial findings, we wondered: 1. M: Wanna play with Mpulls out shape what were mothers high in trait VA doing with all mommy? sorter from box those commands and suggestions? When low trait 2. C: Uhhuh. VA mothers made commands or suggestions, were 3. M: Come on. they doing similar things? To answer these ques- 4. (2 second pause) C turns back to box of tions, we selected the four mothers from the over- toys all sample who scored highest on the trait VA scale 5. M: Come here let M'shand on C's and the four who scored lowest for more detailed mommy show you. shoulder, Msqueezes analysis (Roberts et al., 2009). The two subgroups and were similar in terms of mothers' age, ethnicity, 6. pulls slightly back and education, and both contained preschool J. M: Wait a minute. M removes toyfrom C's and elementary school-aged children. We created hand 350 PART V,,: CONTEXTS

B. :\1: This next, okay? 10. M: Watcha wanna 9. C:Mhm write? 10. M: Come right here. e again turns back to 11. C: I don't know. Put it right here. box of toys 12. M: Or what you lL C: Look. Wait a Mputs her hand on wanna draw? minute. child's lower arm and 13. (5 second pause) e kneels down in front pulls toward her; e of paper. straightens his arm and 14. M: Here you can Mhands epad, M lifts it out of her grasp write on this. picks up puzzle 15. I'll write top of here. and puts her Single In this example, the child already had pulled out a sheet on it. container of Lego blocks from the toy box, but his 16. C: I'm gonna write mother instead invites him to play with a different my name with a red toy that she has selected: the shape sorter (line 1). marker. Although the child initially accepts her invitation 17- M: I'm gonna draw. (line 2), his attention quickly returns to other toys lB. C: I'm gonna write in the box. The mother then uses a series of com- my name first. I'm mands (lines 3, 5, 7-8, and 1O-1l) along with physi- gonna write my last cal touch (lines 5-6 and 11-13) to prevent her son name too. from moving towards other toys. Her verbal and nonverbal behavior indicate that her focus is on completing a particular game that she has chosen, In this example, the low trait VA mother does and her son's interest in other toys is not encour- make several commands and suggestions (lines aged. In the process, she sets up a power struggle 6-7,9, and 15). Yet this example differs in impor- in terms of who will decide what activities are to tant ways from the first one. Here, the mother's be performed. commands and suggestions help set up a draw- Excerpt 2 involves a low trait VA mother and ing activity (e.g., lines 15-16, where the mother her 6 rear old daughter. After putting together gives them both something on which to draw) puzzles, they are transitioning to a new activity: that she and her daughter have jointly chosen. drawing/writing on a pad of paper. The mother asks several questions to solicit her daughter's input (lines 4, ll, 13) and some of her Excerpt 2 (Dyad 31) suggestions elaborate on her daughter's answers 1. C: Yeah. I wanna (e.g., lines 5-6). By the end of the excerpt, the write some markers. child describes her unique part of the activ- 2. M: Here go some ity (she's going to write both of her names even paper. though her mother has started to draw). The 3. C: Kay. daughter does not resist her mother's sugges- 4. M: "'\Thatare we M now has paper pad tions, perhaps because the activity is constructed gonnado. in her lap. collaboratively with the mother organizing some 5. C: \Ve're gonna write e opening marker case details while also inquiring about her daughter's 6. M: We're gonna write M & e set paper and plans or preferences. rour name then markers on blanket in we're gonna draw. front of them IMPLICA TIONS l- M: I'm gonna write Mothers who score high versus low in trait VA onone. differ not just in how much verbally aggressive B. You're gonna write M tears off a sheet of behavior they direct towards their children but on one. paper. also in how they orient to positive interactions 9. C: Kay. such as play. Our research has implications for 36: Mother-Child Play 351

understanding the nature of trait VA, includ- ships. Southern Communication Journal, 57, ing what the trait VA scale actually measures 277-284· (Infante & Wigley, 1986). Rather than only being Ginsburg, K. R. (2007). The importance of play in hypersensitive to situational stressors, parents promoting healthy child development and main- who score high on trait VA appear to be very sen- taining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, sitive to power or control even during positive 119,182-191. parent-child interactions. High trait VA mothers Hughes, F. P. (2010).Children, play, and development in our study appeared to frame play sessions as (ath ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. situations in which they needed to take control as Infante, D.A.,&Rancer,A.S.(1996).Argumentativeness opposed to playing with their child for play's sake and verbal aggressiveness: Recent theory and (Wilson et al., 2008). Our findings also may help research. In B.R. Burleson (Ed.), Communication explain at least part of the reason why children, yearbook 19 (pp. 319-351).Thousand Oaks, CA: as they get older, tend to be less satisfied with the Sage. parent-child relationship if their parents are high Infante, D. A., & Wigley, C. J. (1986).Verbal aggres- in trait VA (Beatty & Dobos, 1992). Play is sup- siveness: An interpersonal model and measure. posed to be fun, but what messages do parents Communication Monographs, 53,61-69. communicate to their child by playing in ways Moore, T. E., & Pepler, D. J. (2006). Wounding words: that downplay their child's preferences and limit Maternal verbal aggression and children's adjust- their child's autonomy? ment. Journal of Family Violence, 21,89-93. At a more practical level, our findings sug- Roberto, A. J., Carlyle, K. E., & McClure, L. (2006). gest that high trait VA parents would benefit not Communication and corporal punishment: The just from learning about the harmful nature of relationship between parents' use of verbal and verbal aggression, but also from programs in physical aggression. Communication Research which parents are encouraged to practice follow- Reports, 23,27-33. ing their child's lead and side-stepping unneces- Roberts, F., Wilson, S. R., Delaney, J. E., & Rack, J. J. sary power struggles with their children during (2009). Distinguishing communication behav- play. One such parenting education program iors of mothers high and low in trait verbal is the Incredible Years which was designed by aggressiveness: A qualitative analysis of mother- Carolyn Webster-Stratton at the University child playtime interactions. In D. D. Cahn (Ed.), of Washington (Webster-Stratton, Reid, & Family violence: Communication processes (pp. Hammond, 2001). The program helps parents 155-178).Albany, NY: State University of New develop positive relationships with their chil- York Press. dren, including children with conduct disorders. Solomon, C. R., & Serres, F. (1999).Effects of paren- Training programs such as the Incredible Years tal verbal aggression on children's self-esteem would profit from considering how learning and school marks. Child Abuse & Neglect, 23, child-directed play may be especially valuable 339-351. for particular types of parents such as parents Teicher, M. H., Samson, J. A., Polcari, A., & who are high in trait VA. McGreenery, C. E. (2006). Sticks, stones, and hurtful words: Relative effects of various forms REFERENCES of child maltreatment. American Journal of Bayer, c., & Cegala, D. (1992).Trait verbal aggres- Psychiatry, 163,993-1000. siveness and argumentativeness: Relationship Vissing, Y.M., Straus, M. A., Gelless, R. J., & Harrop, with parenting style. Western Journal of J. W. (1991).Verbal aggression by parents and Communication, 56, 301-310. psychosocial problems of children. Child Abuse Beatty, M. J., & Dobos, J. A. (1992). Relationship & Neglect, 15,223-238. between sons' perceptions of fathers' messages Webster-Stratton, c., Reid, M. J., & Hammond, and satisfaction in adult son-father relation- M. (2001).Preventing conduct problems and pro- moting social competence: A parent and teacher 352 PART VII: CONTEXTS

training partnership in Head Start. Journal of always verbally aggressive with their children? Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology, 30, Why or why not? 283-302. 3. What did the authors learn about the relation- Wilson, S. R., Roberts, F., Rack, J. J., & Delaney, J. E. ship between trait VA and how mothers' inter- (2008). Mothers' trait verbal aggressiveness as a acted with their children during play? predictor of maternal and child behaviors during 4. The authors conclude that mothers high in trait playtime interactions. Human Communication VA may use more commands because they Research, 34, 392-422. view playas a task to be controlled compared with mothers low in trait VA who view playas QUESTIONS/THOUGHTS a collaborative activity. What are some other 1. What is trait VA and what is the impact of trait reasons why mothers high in trait VA may use VA on children? Why might some parents con- more commands? sider verbal aggression to be necessary parent- Steven R. Wilson, Elizabeth A. Munz, and Felicia Roberts, ing behavior? "Mother-Child Play: Collaboration or Power Struggle?" 2. What are examples of verbally aggressive Copyright © 2011 by Oxford University Press, Inc. All rights behavior? Are parents who are high in trait VA reserved.