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Rise empowers parents involved with the child welfare system to tell their By AND FOR stories. Rise magazine provides peer- PARENTS IN THE support and information to parents and educates child welfare profes- CHILD WELFARE SYSTEM sionals about parent perspectives. RI S S U E N UMBERis 11, F ALLe 2 0 0 8 Healing Ourselves for Our Children Parents who were abused or neglected as children, or grew up in foster care, face challenges creating safe and stable family lives. But it is possible to heal from childhood trauma and become a stronger parent. In this issue, parents write about breaking destructive family GHES patterns—and working to prevent U foster care placement in their F PAMELA H O communities—with support from TESY UR loved ones, therapy, community O C organizations and effective services. HOTO P IN THIS ISSUE 3 FRAGILE FAMILIES Building a Foundation Offer support without judgment. I’m giving my kids the love I never had. 4 IT TAKES A NEIGHBORHooD By PAMELA HUGHES Breaking the cycle of foster care for my community. When I was a little girl, my siblings children grow up feeling cared about like your mother.” One day my and I went from group homes to fos- and loved. grandmother hit me with a two-by- 5 ‘YOUR HiStoRY IS ter homes, from one grandmother’s four and I hit her back with my hand. Not DEStiNY’ house to the other grandmother’s On My Own That is when she called the agency to 6 CALLING FOR HELP house, due to our parents’ drug use. Moving from home to home as a take me once again to a group home. I reached out for support. child, I felt that no one cared about Some people might think that, grow- me, especially my mother and father. My grandmother rode with me up to 6 ‘CAN I Do THIS?’ ing up in the foster care system for a group home where I stayed for four Preparing for motherhood. half my life, I wouldn’t let my children I felt unwanted, and this made me years. As we rode down the highway, 8 Do OVER go through the same experiences. feel like no one could like me. I my grandmother told me, “I’m send- You can change as a parent. Not so. I have five children and—I’m remember being in gym class in ing you upstate for your own good.” I 9 BREAKING A PAINFUL not proud to say this—all five chil- the 8th grade. Every day, I sat in felt so alone and unwanted. PAttERN dren eventually wound up in foster that same corner. The other girls My kids won’t grow up afraid. care too. would go to the locker room and Looking for a Connection get dressed but not me. I wouldn’t In the group home, I started drink- 10 OUT of THE FIRE Having five children in the system is play. The gym teacher did nothing to ing and smoking weed more often. Unlike my own mom, I got my very depressing for me. But I’m in a break me out of that corner. As I am When I was high my loneliness and children out of foster care. treatment program and I feel confi- writing this story, remembering those depression went away for a moment. 11 LEGAL RIGHTS dent that I will reunify with my two times, I am feeling a little lonely. Teen parents have more youngest children very soon. I am Looking for love also wound me up to prove. determined to succeed. As a teenager, I started staying out in violent situations with men, and the until 2 a.m., smoking marijuana and violence sent me further into my drug I want to break the cycle. I will not sleeping with boys. Sleeping around addiction. die from drugs like my mother did. made me feel wanted. My grand- I will build the foundation that was mother called me a ho. She would At 16, I left the group home to live missing in my childhood and help my always say, “You’re going to be just with an older man who I wound up fi RS T P E R S O N marrying. At first I was holding down up on life. I was out on the streets. a 9 to 5 and also going to the clubs Finally, though, I went to a women’s and getting drunk on the weekends. shelter and told the social worker But as time went on, our drinking there that I wanted to get clean but led us to lose our jobs. My husband couldn’t. They sent me to an out started stealing, got caught, and the patient rehab program, but I still judge slapped him with a long sen- couldn’t stay clean. I set myself back tence. so many times. I thought I would die. I was so scared. Finally, I came to a residential pro- All I knew was this man. Soon I start- gram, VIP Women’s Services, on ed hanging out with a negative crowd Sept. 2, 2007. I relapsed for one GHES and, when I was 19, I was introduced U month on New Year’s Eve after I to crack. I didn’t know the impact it went to see my son and daughter F PAMELA H O would have on me. and grew depressed. But I returned TESY to the program, and since February UR O Repeating the Pattern C 25, 2008, I have been clean. HOTO I got pregnant with my first son when P I was 23, after I met a big drug dealer Getting Help who supplied me with crack. I had youngest daughter. My last two chil- lived, and my school was far away in This is the best program I have my son because I was lonely. But he dren I took home with me from the the other direction. I began feeling ever attended. In therapy I realized was born positive tox and was taken hospital. I was proud of myself. depressed and stressed out being a that since I had no solid emotional from me from me right from the single parent of a 2 and 3 year old. foundation in my life, and no secure hospital. Eventually he got lost in the I relapsed once, when my son was That last straw was that the pro- feeling of being loved or of belong- system. To this day all I know is that four months old, and I found out gram that was helping me pay my ing, whenever things became hard, he is 21 years old. his father was cheating on me. But bills ended, so I had to pay $1200 a I became depressed and turned to I straightened out, and after that, I month for rent on my own. Soon I drugs. Five years later I had a son and a worked hard to be a good mother was backed up on my rent. daughter who were also taken at and to stay clean. I also started to see a psychiatrist. I birth and were adopted by their aunt. I started hanging out with old friends had always said, “I don’t need pills.” They are now 17 and 13. At that I went to an outpatient program, I and drinking every weekend. Then I But I knew I was falling into depres- time, their father used to beat me for got a two-bedroom apartment, and lost my home, and I started drinking sion again and would relapse. So breakfast, lunch and dinner. He took I went to an employment program even more. Then I turned back to he put me on an anti-depressant my money, my dignity and respect. I and landed a job with the Board of drugs. Eventually, I lost my children. medication. Soon I could feel a dif- just kept on drugging. Education. After four months, I was ference. Now, when I get stressed promoted to a private secretary. I Out on the Streets about my children, I am better able One Program to the Next was climbing the ladder fast. I even For a while after I lost them, I gave to stay focused on getting my life Drug use completely took over my started to go to school to get my GED. life. I almost died from drugs and ISSUE #11 // FALL 2008 yet continued to use. Using landed www.risemagazine.org me in prison for three years. There I also decided that trying to find the 80 E. 110th St. #1E New York, NY 10029 I kept asking myself, “What is wrong right man was too much drama. I felt R i s e 718-260-8818 with me that I can’t stop using drugs? good being a single mother to my children. Every Saturday we went to Why am I in these abusive relation- EDITOR/DIRECTOR PRODUCTION ships, thinking about a man before Jamaica Avenue and shopped. I treat- NORA MCCARthy EFRain Reyes ed the kids to McDonald’s and I ate JEFF FaeRbeR myself or my children?” I also thought CONTRIBUTING EDITOR pizza. At home, they liked to jump on Rachel BLUstain EDITORIAL BOARD about how my family didn’t care for TRacey CARteR me. Those thoughts put me into a my bed and bother each other. ART INSTRUCTOR Bevanjae Kelley Joanne Pendola Lynne MilleR deeper and deeper depression. YOUshell Williams After school, they loved to watch Madagascar. I still love to watch After I left prison, I went from one CONTRIBUTING WRITERS program to the next.