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Home , Mark Sanchez, Vic Fangio

2019 Mock Mock Draft Matt Nagashima

1. Arizona Cardinals Every Single Person Sean McVay Has Ever Met

Sean McVay is the name on every NFL analyst’s lips. Sure, ol’ Billy Belichick bested him in the Super Bowl (using a scheme Vic Fangio may have drawn up, sorry ) but he’s a coach on the rise. He’s one of the top young offensive minds in the league, and every franchise needing juice is scrambling to find someone who might replicate his success. At 33, he’s already sprouting his own coaching tree as teams around the league hire young offensive minds in an attempt to find the next Sean McVay. , the young offensive mind that the Cardinals brass decided to roll out in 2019, is “good friends” with McVay according to the man/myth himself. My concern is that perhaps not enough of McVay’s young offensive mind magic dust has rubbed off on Kingsbury via their good friendship, and the Cardinals would be wise to simply hire to their franchise every single person McVay has come in contact with during his young career. I think I sat on a plane with him once. I’ll await their call come draft day.

2. A Lifetime Supply of Bubble Wrap

The 49ers have found their franchise in Jimmy G, and paid him $137.5 Million for the title. His on field numbers are great, and he can win games but in 10 career starts he has suffered two season ending injuries. The first was to his throwing shoulder, and the other a torn ACL. If John Lynch and his 49ers want to stay relevant in the NFC West among perennial contenders like the Seahawks and Rams, they’ll need to protect their quarterback and keep him on the field. If a lifetime supply of bubble wrap is still on the board at this point and the Cardinals haven’t already taken it to keep Larry Fitzgerald playing into his 50s, this is the move the 49ers need to make

3. ’s Wardrobe

The Jets and their fanbase have made it clear that is the heir to their franchise. Despite a few good years from and...Mark Sanchez the Jets have not had a franchise quarterback since Broadway Joe himself. By fetching his vast collection of furs and silk shirts out of storage, the Jets with will be ready to steal the heart of New York yet again. It’ll be an adjustment for Sam, who did not live in the 1970’s, but with the full support of the coaching staff and organization I believe he will be able to transition to the vintage aesthetic. It’ll take a lot of hours hitting the white boards and film rooms, but Darnold should be able to take up the fuzzy mantle of Broadway Joe and lead the Jets to their first Lombardi trophy since Super Bowl III

4. Oakland Raiders An Audition Tape for American Makeover: Franchise Edition

Oh boy. There are so many issues with this organization right now that, even with three first round picks in the 2019 Draft, they need every single one to hit if they want to salvage the direction of their franchise. From literally being homeless, to potentially moving to a city ripe with cocaine, prostitutes and free alcohol, apparent cash flow issues or willingness to purge his team of cornerstone talents in favor of flashy players, Mark Davis can’t handle this on his own. We need a team of community volunteers led by Ty Pennington to completely rebuild this franchise from the ground up. Move! That! Bus!

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers Familytime

Familytime is one of the top rated parental monitoring apps for Android and iOS. For just $27/year and his new staff can keep a close eye on their troubled QB Jameis Winston with state of the art geofencing, location tracking, web filtering and even bedtime options. If this new coaching staff wants to contend for the NFC South title, they’ll have to keep their quarterback upright as a citizen and on the field.

6. New York Giants A New Public Relations Team

Wow. If you ask anyone, the Giants are having almost as bad an offseason as the or the AAF. Sure, giving OBJ a $95 Million deal with $65 Million guaranteed before trading him a few months later looks pretty bad, or signing an aging if talented Golden Tate to replace him for $37 Million doesn’t really make a lot of sense. You could point to the fact that they traded away their best pass rusher in , or that they’re claiming to have faith in ’s 38 year old arm. But it’s really not that bad. Sure they’re going to eat a massive amount of dead cap from OBJ’s contract for the foreseeable future, but not resigning a Landon Collins was a good financial move. He was incredibly effective as a box safety against the run game, but I don’t consider him an asset in coverage, and even in a division with Ezekiel Elliot, it's a pass oriented league. The Giants are in position to add talent at key spots and build towards the post-Eli Era. A New Public Relations Team would really help them sell this point to the fanbase

7. Jacksonville Jaguars Prayer

If prayer is still on the board at this point, the underperforming Jaguars should absolutely add it to their franchise. Their defense has a lot of talent, they have offensive weapons, but what they need most is to pray to the old gods and the new that plays well. A streaky player who is dominant at best, and forgettable at worst with a 4-year, $88 Million deal warrants a lot of faith, which the Jaguars should build on here.

8. The Entire New England Patriots Roster

Every few years, it’s the same story. Some underling gets a HC position, as the (insert ailing franchise here) hopes to steal some of his dark wizardry for themselves. Until Bill himself consents to being cloned and installed in every head coaching position around the league, the best thing to do for Matt Patricia and his Lions is to take every single player from the Patriots, attempt to replicate the culture of Gillette Stadium, wear a hoodie and hope for the best.

9. The Buffalo Bills

The Bills have established an offensive identity centered around an athletic, big armed quarterback who can barely hit the side of an amazon warehouse, but they need a backup who fits the system. The other on the roster don’t fit the bill, as Derek Anderson is 35 & slowing down, and has never proven that he can be consistent an NFL level. Tebow is only 31, a ripe young age for a quarterback these days, and with his athleticism, running ability & accuracy issues he’d be a perfect fit to fill in for a few games if Josh Allen gets injured. If the glove fits...

10. The Avatar Program from David Cameron’s Blockbuster Film: Avatar

John Elway is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time and retired with a rap sheet of NFL records & two Lombardi trophies. Yet his biggest issue as GM has been that there is not another John Elway. had an incredible run for the Broncos at the end of his career, but what John really needs, is John. The Broncos haven’t seen quality quarterback play since 2014, and something needs to change. By adding the Avatar program to his franchise, Elway can pick up another tall, athletic quarterback with a big arm, then take over his body on Sundays and trot back out into Mile High on a fresh pair of legs. At 6’6”-6’7” he’d be able to look down on a talented group of receivers, a strong run game to move the chains and a potentially elite defense under Vic Fangio. At #10 they could opt to finally select a stadium name or a legitimate heir to the Bowlen family fortune, but if the Avatar program falls this far in the draft it would be an absolute steal for the Broncos here.

11. The Cincinnati Bengals Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus

The city’s namesake was a Roman farmer who rallied his countrymen to help defend his city. Rome’s armies were trapped by invaders, but he organized a counterattack, defeating the enemy before returning to live on his farm. He is often cited as a model citizen: selfless, heroic and bold. I cannot think of anything more needed by the Bengals organization than this sort of leadership. After a decade plus of stagnation under Marvin Lewis and the wasted talents of A.J. Green, Geno Atkins, and Ochocinco himself, the city of Cincinnati has never needed its hero more than it does now.

12. Green Bay Packers 52 Aaron Rodgers Clones

This offseason, there’s been talk that Aaron Rodgers is selfish, egotistical and harsh on his teammates. But he’s the best, and he expects the best from everyone around him so players on his team that don’t live up to that aren’t going to mesh with his culture. I’ll go on the record and say he’s the most gifted passer in the NFL, and he wants to win Super Bowls as he should. By adding 52 exact genetic replicas of Rodgers himself, the Packers’ new coach Matt LaFleur can guarantee the same high level of commitment throughout his roster and create a locker room culture that suits their franchise quarterback. Aaron Rodgers is cerebral and athletic enough to play most positions on offense and defense. While his 4.71 40 time and 6’2”, 225 pound frame might not suit certain spots on the roster, the strength & conditioning coaches should be able to hone each clone into their specific roles, given Rodgers’ commitment to success and work ethic. Great pick for the Packers here.

13. Miami Dolphins An M1A2 Abrams Tank

The Abrams has been the MBT (Main Battle Tank) of the United States Armed Forces for the past four decades, and the M1A2 represents its newest incarnation. The M1A2, with it’s depleted uranium armor, 120mm main gun and .50 Cal & 7.62mm MG’s, this tank stands ready to go toe to toe with any enemy. The Miami Dolphins have recently sold Ryan Tannehill, their once-starting quarterback for a day three pick and replaced him with , a 36 year old journeyman. I love Fitzmagic as much as anyone, and the dude looks rad in aviators but let’s be honest, they’re committed to tanking in 2019. They might as well learn from the best and whether they’re Tanking for Tua or Bombing for Fromm, the M1A2 Abrams is the perfect fit. Hooah

14.

Under Shanahan’s offensive guidance Matt Ryan and Julio Jones tore up the league. While they ultimately crumbled against the Patriots in Super Bowl LI, that offense was teeming with potential. The passing attack under Shanahan was prolific to say the least, as Matt Ryan had an MVP season to the tune of 4,944 yards and 38 . Now with Calvin Ridley in town they could reach even greater heights and stay relevant within the highly competitive NFC South. Stealing such a bright young offensive mind with ties to Sean McVay from the 49ers would be a brilliant move for the Atlanta Falcons.

15. Washington Redskins A Bottle of Bourbon for

Let me just say, Case seems like a great guy. Stand up dude and a solid player in the right situation. I believe he can be a starting quarterback in this league. His bad stints were with Jeff Fischer and led teams, which is completely understandable. Trading for him was a great move by the Redskins, and the $3.5 million they’re paying him in 2019 is an absolute steal. But. He’s too nice. During a press conference last year after a tough loss to the Browns, he apologized to his mom for saying that he was pissed off. He was 30 years old. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a little bit of a momma’s boy but you’re a grown man. Now. You just lost your job in Denver. Get pissed off about that, drink some whiskey neat, saddle up and get back out there.

16. More Hats for Cam Newton

Cam Newton seems like a fun guy. And when he’s having fun, he wins football games. But once he starts to lose, he mopes on the sideline with a towel on his head, and once he mopes, he does things like throw and wince away from instead of diving into the pile in the god damn Super Bowl. So. The Panthers need to keep him happy, and he seems happiest when he’s wearing his fresh, unique hats. Keep em coming.

17. New York Giants Odell Beckham Jr.

OBJ is one of the best receivers in the game, and this would be a match made in heaven. Getting Eli Manning,and whoever comes after him a target like this would set their offense on the right track for years to come. He’s a playmaker and a deep threat the league hasn’t seen since the likes of Randy Moss. Sure he might be a little bit of a Diva, but bringing him on board would give the Giants the juice they need to get back into contention. If he falls this far in the draft, David Gettleman would be crazy not to take him.

18. Minnesota Vikings One Cadillac Escalade

Show up at any given training camp across the league, and you’re fated to witness a parking lot packed full of Escalades. It seems like a rite of passage for NFL players, almost like a standard issue among active rosters. But , the Minnesota Vikings multimillion dollar man still drives his grandma’s minivan. It’s kind of a cute story, I guess. Who doesn’t love their grandma? But. A guy who drives a beige minivan isn’t one who inspires confidence. Look. I drive a trusty ol’ RAV4 so I’m not even a car guy, but I wouldn’t follow a 2000 GMC Savana into war, and I wouldn’t follow the dude driving it either. With their first round pick, the Vikings would do well to bring the quarterback they’re married with up to speed. If One Cadillac Escalade has already been selected, we’d settle for a 2013 Ford Focus SE instead. You like that?

19. Tennessee Titans

By adding Ryan Tannehill to backup(?) Marcus Mariota, the Tennessee Titans have made one thing clear. They are committed to their quarterback room. They found their type, and good on them for sticking with it. Mariota and Tannehill are both gifted, if somewhat underperforming passers with prevalent injury concerns. In his four years in the league, Mariota has yet to play 16 games in a season due to various ailments, and Tannehill has missed significant time in the past couple years to ACL and shoulder injuries. Adding Sam Bradford to the roster would guarantee that if both Mariota and Tannehill are sidelined, they will have another mid level starter to step up in the pocket and get injured.

20. Pittsburgh Steelers More Miracles from Ryan Shazier

I was gonna take a jab at the Steelers here, but then I saw that video of Shazier doing box jumps nearly a year and a half after doctors told him he’d never walk again. Wild stuff. The man can’t be stopped. This year, he’s set up to make $1 Million from the PUP list, but he’s not just riding the bench. Shazier has been attending practices, meetings and is a constant figure at the Steelers facility. He committed to playing football yet again, and I have a feeling that doubting the two time Pro Bowler isn’t likely to be a successful venture. He’ll be back on the field soon enough.

21. . Just someone who can help Russell WIlson

Someone. Anyone who plays on the offensive side of the ball that can make plays and take all the pressure of moving the chains off his shoulders. Jesus.

22. Terrell Owens

The man wants to play, and as of this date, the Ravens have three wide receivers plus a return specialist on their roster. If they want Lamar Jackson to grow as a passer, they might consider getting someone for him to throw it too. Willie Snead had a productive season last year behind and John Brown, but they’re gone, and he’s never been a WR1 before. The rest of the group has a whopping 44 total career receptions between them. Last offseason Terrell Owens posted workout videos showing off his athleticism, and stated it was “a joke” that he’s not on an NFL roster. Give the man a one year contract and roll the dice. Why not. It’s a match made in heaven. The Ravens get an established veteran presence in a young recieving group, Lamar Jackson’s growth isn’t stunted by a near total lack of targets and Terrell Owens gets to be the first active Hall of Famer in NFL history. Everybody’s happy.

23. A Little Bit of Honesty from JJ Watt

The jig is up. We know who you are. JJ Watt is an earthly incarnation of Thor, and if he wants to improve relations between the Norse pantheon of gods and humanity, he’s going to need to be straight up with us. Until now he’s been contented to win America’s heart by smashing all our quarterbacks and being a philanthropist & community leader off the field, but he is capable of so much more. It’s been good, but he needs to become the god he was born to be. Watt must don his armor, pick up Mjolnir and seize his destiny in full view of the world.

24. Oakland Raiders A Team of Russian Hackers to Delete Everything Antonio Brown Posts on Social Media

By this point, we’re all well aware of the mythic powers possessed by Russian Hackers, and with the 24th overall pick in the draft, Jon Gruden & co would be wise to pick up a few of them to scrub the internet of everything Antonio Brown has to say. Whether he’s attacking former teammates, friends or just generally self destructing, keeping the Raiders locker room free of that toxicity is a great value for the team. There’s a chance the Steelers might preemptively take this pick at #20, but if they’re still on the board here, Gruden and Mayock have to pull the trigger.

25. Uncle Rico

After parting ways with Philadelphia legend Nick Foles, everyone in the city of brotherly love is hoping that can stay healthy. Wentz is a MVP candidate when on the field, yet he’s missed significant time in 2 out of the 3 seasons in his young career. Every team needs a backup plan and current incumbent Nate Sudfeld isn’t likely to help carry the team deep in the playoffs. Enter Uncle Rico. We all know he can chuck a football over them mountains, and that he’s gunning to come off the bench. The Idaho native can provide Wentz with steady middle aged wisdom in the locker room, and is ready, willing and able to step on the field and lead this team if need be. Running back is also a need here, as Jay Ajayi is gone but since Wentz has already shown a pattern of injuries early in his career, the Eagles would be wise to ante up and grab one of the top passers in the nation.

26. Just a Little Bit of Ambition

The Colts headed into the free agency period with around $100 million in cap space, and what do they have to show for it? One good pass rusher, a on a one year prove-it deal, and a smattering of resignings across the roster. As of today, they have nearly $60 million left in their cap, with no big name free agents left to target. In a market with top tier talents all around, the Colts chose to play it safe and let all that cap space just sit there like a big pile of wasted potential. But hey, they were good last year. It’s a bold strategy, let’s see if pays off.

27. Oakland Raiders A Good Couple’s Therapist

It’s clear that Jon Gruden and starting quarterback Derek Carr’s relationship is on the rocks. They have loud public arguments for the whole world to see, Jon is actively courting younger men right in front of Derek, and its seeming more and more like the love is draining out of this partnership. The good news is that it’s not too late. With a good therapist, a lot of open communication and compromising on both sides, these two could end up as happy together as any QB and his coach can be, all things considered.

28. Los Angeles Chargers Some Nice Herbal Tea

Philip Rivers is undeniably talented. He’s a fierce competitor, and just wants the potential on his teams to translate to wins and playoff runs. Despite playing with LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates, Vincent Jackson, Melvin Gordon and Keenan Allen over the years, Rivers has yet to make it to a Super Bowl. This has to be incredibly frustrating, considering his level of talent, and the talent that’s surrounded him his whole career. Yet whether it’s due to coaching issues, injuries or whatever, it always seems that his Chargers have underperformed. It’s easy to make fun of him for flapping his arms and screaming on the field whenever things don’t go his way, but the man has reasons to be upset and someone should get him a hot mug of tea with some milk and honey so he can relax and be at peace.

29. Kansas City Chiefs Chase Winovich, EDGE

The Chiefs offense is prolific. We all know this. Despite losing Kareem Hunt and possibly Tyreek Hill this offense is not hurting for weapons and Mahomes can distribute the ball to whoever the front office puts on the field. Their atrocious defense (31st in yards allowed and 24th in points allowed) is a glaring weakness, and though their offensive momentum carried them to the AFC Championship, they need to shore up the other side of the ball. This past season, the sole bright spot on the Chiefs defense was it’s pass rush, with a whopping 52 sacks, but 22 of those just walked out the door. By trading Dee Ford and cutting Justin Houston, they removed both of their starting edge rushers. Chris Jones is a force up the middle, but without his bookends outside, he’ll be facing a lot more attention from offensive lines next year. If Winovich falls this far, his ability to create pressure off the edge would help staunch some of the bleeding caused by the exodus of pass rush talent suffered by the Chiefs this offseason.

30. Green Bay Packers (via New Orleans) One More Clone of Aaron Rodgers

Matt LaFleur is a great young offensive mind with ties to Sean McVay. We all know this, and from all accounts, it seems like he’s a real stand up guy. He runs a solid yet creative offense, and his playbook could mesh well with Aaron Rodgers’ skillset. He could give Rodgers the ability to audible at the line, as the QB usually does, but by adding another clone of the 35 year old All-Pro they can ensure that Rodgers gets to dictate how the playbook is executed. He’s a plug and play at offensive coordinator/playcaller and this would help LaFleur not step on his quarterback’s toes & focus on game management.

31. Los Angeles Rams A Home Depot Bucket Full of Stem Cells

Todd Gurley has arthritis in his knee. The Rams have been trying their damnedest to downplay this story over the offseason, but it’s a serious issue that could threaten his longevity, surfacing just a year after the team extended him through 2023. Since for whatever reason they decided to not resign postseason hero CJ Anderson, they need to deal with the RB position in the first round. Arthritis cannot be cured, but according to a quick WebMD search its symptoms can be treated and progress abated. So at the tail end of the first round, the Rams should nab a giant orange bucket filled to the brim with stem cells and whether they slather it on his knee, inject it directly or blend it into protein shakes, they need to draw up a playbook for how to get the magical little cells into his body before time does its damage. They might also want to consider investing a late round pick or UDFA contract in a CBD vape pen, just in case the NFL decides to let its players take care of their bodies on their own terms. Stash it on the practice squad and pretend it’s a USB drive, maybe one day it can help their bellcow RB recover.

32. New England Patriots Nothing. They’re God Damn Perfect Apparently.

We all know this isn’t true. They lost their top threat in , talented receiver Josh Gordon is out of football again after his off the field issues resurfaced, and Tom Brady continues to age, just not outwardly. Tom Brady’s body may be starting to slow down, but he’s always won games with his mind. What TB12 needs most at this point in his career is a stash of lip balm and mints to carry around with him at all times. From Bill Belichick to Robert Kraft to his own son, Tom Brady seems committed to kissing all of people in his life that are important to him. He’s a legend in his own right, and it’s honestly a sweet gesture but nobody likes a big ol dry-cracked-lipped-smooch that tastes like electrolyte-infused water, raw vegetables and whey protein mixed with sweat. Tom Brady is a public figure, who meets many men and women of influence and if his career continues on this trajectory, there’s a solid chance he’ll have more White House visits in February. The last thing this country needs is a @RealDonaldTrump tweet about what a gross kisser Tom Brady is. Or maybe that’s exactly what we need.

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