Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality

A Ghost at Church: A Narrative Inquiry into How Single LDS (Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality

by Aleesa Sutton

B.A., Brigham Young University, 2002

Thesis Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Arts

in the Counselling Psychology Program Faculty of Education

Copyright in this work rests with the author. Please ensure that any reproduction or re-use is done in accordance with the relevant national copyright legislation. Approval

Name: Aleesa Sutton Degree: Master of Arts (Counselling Psychology) Title: A Ghost at Church: A Narrative Inquiry Into How Single LDS (Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality Examining Committee: Chair: Michael Ling Senior Lecturer Sharalyn Jordan Senior Supervisor Assistant Professor Özlem Sensoy Co-Supervisor Associate Professor Marla Buchanan External Examiner Associate Professor

Date Defended/Approved: November 13, 2018

ii Ethics Statement

iii Abstract

There is very limited research exploring the experiences of single LDS (Mormon) women and sexuality. This study used a narrative approach to explore how ten single LDS women make meaning of their sexuality within a context that forbids premarital sexual activity. Four main constraints emerged from participants’ stories. As women, they face limits on institutional authority and pressure to put their personal needs second. As single individuals, they are susceptible to stigma and have no legitimized outlet in which to discuss or express sexuality. These significant constraints were most evident in bishop’s interviews. Experiences there impacted how women viewed themselves and formed their identities, including their sexual identities. Challenges include arbitrary penalties and experiences of judgment and shame. Some women act agentically within these institutional constraints as they choose how to interpret rules, define their own relationships with their sexuality and negotiate changing perceptions of the institution and of God.

Keywords: Mormon; LDS; single; sexuality; psychotherapy; narrative methodology

iv Dedication

This is dedicated to the ten brave women who shared their stories with me. Thank you for your willingness to discuss a sensitive topic and for your desire to make things better

by doing so. I also dedicate this work to all those women who continue to struggle to

integrate their sexuality into their lives in healthy, joyful ways.

v Acknowledgements

Thank you to my senior supervisor, Dr. Sharalyn Jordan, who saw the importance of this work and encouraged me to aim high right from the beginning. Thank you to my secondary supervisor, Dr. Özlem Sensoy, who gave importance guidance through one of the earliest challenges of the work and many subsequent ones. You have also demonstrated a commitment to research, no matter the obstacles, which I hope to emulate in my future work.

I have been fortunate to be surrounded by supportive friends. I am not sure completion of this thesis would have happened without them. There have been innumerable instances of excitement, frustration and commiseration along the way. Thank you to Amelia and Quoc for your unflagging support and the many, many delicious meals you provided. Thank you to Denise and Dan for your encouragement. Thank you to Alona for helping me trust myself. Thank you to Maren for all the study dates and the early invitation to think bigger. Thank you to Mathew for driving me forward! Thank you to Marcus for way too many things to list; it’s been a gift to work simultaneously on such personal and important research. Thank you to Darren for your interest and belief in the research. Thank you to Galya for helping me stay grounded and charged. Thank you to Anita, Gosia and Rachel for your listening ears and cheerleading. Thank you as well to my chosen family of many other friends—too many to list—for your support.

Finally, I would like to acknowledge the financial support I received for this project. Thank you to the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council for the Joseph-Armand Bombardier Canada Graduate Scholarship.

vi Table of Contents

Approval ...... ii Ethics Statement ...... iii Abstract ...... iv Dedication ...... v Acknowledgements ...... vi Table of Contents ...... vii

Introduction ...... 1 Significance and Rationale for the Study ...... 2 Introduction to the Problem ...... 3 Theoretical Perspectives: Social Constructionism and Critical Feminist Theory ..... 4 Purpose of the Study ...... 5 Research Questions ...... 6 Implications ...... 6

Literature Review ...... 8 Definitions of Sexuality ...... 8 Social constructionist paradigm ...... 10 Women’s sexual identity development ...... 13 Mormon views of the body and sexuality ...... 16 Literature search strategy ...... 19 Findings ...... 20 Studies of Christian Women and Sexuality ...... 20 Studies of Mormon Women and Sexuality ...... 24 Grey Literature ...... 27 Contributions from Pastoral Counselling ...... 29 Themes in the Literature ...... 30 Church culture ...... 30 The single aspect ...... 34 Issues of patriarchy, authority and agency in church culture ...... 37 Emotional and physical challenges ...... 43 Mormon women and same-sex attraction ...... 49 Conclusion...... 52 Rationale for the Present Study ...... 53

Method ...... 54 Research Question ...... 54 Narrative Approach ...... 54 Feminist Perspective ...... 56 Researcher Subjectivity ...... 59 Recruitment and Selection ...... 60 Recruitment ...... 60

vii Selection Criteria ...... 65 Participants ...... 66 Data Collection and Analysis ...... 68 The Interview ...... 68 Transcription ...... 69 Analysis ...... 70 Criteria for Evaluating the Worth of this Study ...... 73 Credibility ...... 74 Transferability ...... 75 Dependability ...... 76 Confirmability ...... 76

The Agency/Obedience Paradox ...... 80 Introduction ...... 80 “Why be in a place feeling we are not successful?” The stigma of being single ... 80 Social challenges: treatment by others ...... 81 Personal challenges: views of self ...... 83 Religious challenges: view of progress ...... 84 Discussion ...... 87 “Being female in the Church [is] open to patronization quite a bit”: Limits on women’s authority ...... 91 Gender roles and agency ...... 91 Deference to male authority ...... 93 Difficult to trust oneself ...... 95 Discussion ...... 100 “The Mormon woman definition of selfish”: Limits on women’s needs ...... 104 Discussion ...... 106 “Satan’s mistress”: Delegitimized sexuality ...... 108 Ideas about women’s “purity” ...... 108 Acting passively ...... 111 Acting assertively ...... 117 Discussion ...... 120 “I was worried that God wouldn’t connect with people that weren’t like God”: The particular challenges of sexual minorities ...... 123 Understanding self ...... 123 Relationship with church and sexual self ...... 126 View of God and view of self ...... 130 Discussion ...... 131

The Heart of the Agency-Dilemma: The Bishop’s Interview ...... 135 Arbitrary Penalties ...... 136 Responses ...... 138 Judgment and Shame ...... 142 Shame Around Sexual Activity ...... 142 Shame in the Bishop’s Office ...... 148

viii Positive Experiences with Bishops ...... 152 Discussion ...... 153

Conclusion ...... 164 Limitations ...... 165 Strengths ...... 166 Implications for Counselling ...... 168 Implications for Research ...... 171 Recommendations ...... 172 Conclusion ...... 174

References ...... 175

Appendix A. Literature Review Themes ...... 191

Appendix B. Recruitment Ad ...... 192

Appendix C. Facebook Groups ...... 194

Appendix D. Screening Questions ...... 198

Appendix E. Informed Consent ...... 200

Appendix F. List of Therapists ...... 205

Appendix G. Possible Discussion Questions ...... 207

Appendix H. Member Checking Questionnaire ...... 208

ix Introduction

“Sex casts a monstrous shadow over my life: the visceral wanting of it, the religious sanctions against it...and the damaging ways I’ve devised to resist it.” This statement, voiced by single Latter-day Saint (LDS or Mormon)1 woman Nicole Hardy (2013, p. 178), is just one example of the “learned disconnect” between sexuality and spirituality (Mahoney, 2004, p. 77) with which many women, particularly Christian women, struggle (Baker, 2010; Daniluk & Browne, 1998; Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Sutton, 2009). Patriarchal institutions, including many Christian religions, limit women’s ability to act on their own behalf, especially in the area of sexuality. This leads to many women feeling guilt, shame and disembodiment, as well as “disconnection from a vital source of their power and pleasure” (Daniluk & Browne, 2008).

The challenge is particularly difficult for those who are single within Christian communities that have prohibitions on pre-marital sex. Since acting on sexual desire outside of marriage is forbidden, these women are not seen as sexual beings (Aune, 2008; Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013). Mormonism is one such Christian sect that forbids sex before marriage. Its norms around sex are among the strictest in the world (Shaw, 1987); sexual sin is spoken of as the “sin next to murder” (Baker, 2010; Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Hardy, 2013; Mackelprang, 1994). There are high social, moral and spiritual risks for single individuals who engage in sexual activity as the consequences of non- compliance include possible appearance before a Church “court,” disfellowshipment (temporary probationary status) or excommunication ((Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Shaw, 1987). This excommunication prevents one from being accepted into the kingdom of God (Hafen, 1992). As Hardy (2013) states, “to falter mean[s] to jeopardize [one’s] eternal salvation” (p. 133).

1 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released an updated style guide in August 2018 stating that “LDS” and “Mormon” are no longer authorized substitutes for the name of the Church or its members. The guide expresses a preference that Church members be referred to as “members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints” or “Latter-day Saints” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2018a). The majority of this thesis was completed before August 2018, so I have used the terms referenced in the existing literature and with which my participants self-identified, which are “LDS” and “Mormon.” I have used “LDS” and “Mormon” interchangeably throughout this thesis in keeping with the various self-descriptions the participants used.

1 Perhaps unsurprisingly, many LDS women do not fare well when it comes to their sexuality (Finlayson-Fife, 2016). Mormon researcher and psychologist Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (2016; 2002) found that LDS women take on disproportionate responsibility for men’s feelings and desires; they neglect to own their own eroticism; and they participate in sexual activity because they feel obligated. She made these statements in light of her study of married women. If those who are permitted to express their sexuality (within marriage) have such struggles, it is likely these struggles are exacerbated for single Mormon women. Not only are single LDS individuals not to engage in sexual activity, they are not to talk about their sexuality or sexual desires either. This can create severe challenges when they seek to integrate the sexual aspects of themselves into their lives and their spirituality. As one Mormon woman put it:

I am deeply troubled by the realization that I have no sanctioned, appropriate, spiritually legitimate alternatives to celibacy or marriage for dealing with my sexuality (Richardson as cited in Shaw, 1987, p. 62).

With no appropriate outlet for discussing or expressing sexuality and sexual desires, the impacts on one’s mental and spiritual health and well-being are likely significant.

Significance and Rationale for the Study

There is a paucity of academic research that explores how Christian women experience and/or understand their sexuality within their religious contexts, indicating an under-researched area of study. I located just seven studies looking at Christian women and sexuality (Ellis-Gowdy, 2006; Ellefson Terhune, 2012; Hoga, Tiburcio, Borges & Reberte, 2010; Johnson, 2001; Mahoney, 2008; Sharma, 2008; Sutton, 2009). Most of the studies were qualitative. Only three of these were published articles; the rest were doctoral dissertations or master’s theses. In most of these studies the majority of the participants were married or partnered. In two others marital status seemed to be considered insignificant as it was not mentioned (Ellis-Gowdy, 2006; Sharma, 2008).

There is even less research regarding LDS individuals and sexuality. I found two quantitative studies, each at least twenty-five years old, examining the experiences of male and female single adult Mormons with sexual desire (Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). Neither was published in academic journals. For LDS women specifically, I located three

2 qualitative studies (Anderton, 2010; Jacobsen & Wright, 2014; Finlayson-Fife, 2002). Two of these explored same-sex attraction among Mormon women (Anderton, 2010; Jacobsen & Wright, 2014) and the other explored sexuality among married heterosexual Mormon women (Finlayson-Fife, 2002). Two of these had been published in academic journals (Finlayson-Fife, 2016; Jacobsen, 2017).

The unique stresses that single Christian women face require more study, particularly in Mormonism, where women face the risk of strict censure if they engage in sexual activity outside of marriage (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Shaw, 1987; Sutton, 2009).

Furthermore, existing research has almost exclusively explored the experiences of heterosexual women. More research is needed into the experiences of Christian and Mormon women who are members of sexual or gender minority groups (Anderton, 2010; Irby, 2014; Jacobsen & Wright, 2014). Sexuality has historically been seen as a pull towards heterosexual marriage (Irby, 2014). For individuals who have not fulfilled this ideal, how are they impacted by the intersections of gender, religion and sexuality? The fact there is significantly less research on the gendered and religious lives of unmarried individuals of all sexual orientations “problematically contributes to the invisibility of the…lives of certain populations” within conservative religions (Irby, 2014, p. 1278). More attention to these questions is needed (Anderton, 2010; Irby, 2014; Jacobsen & Wright, 2014).

I could find no studies focused solely on single Mormon women that included all sexual and gender orientations. Therefore, I designed my study to include these populations and thereby increase their visibility. My study fills gaps in the literature by asking single Mormon women of all sexual orientations to talk about their experiences of sexuality within the LDS faith.

Introduction to the Problem

In this study, I explored the narrative accounts of women about their experiences of sexuality in the Mormon church. The narrative approach was used because it values and provides space for subjective experiences. It can enable access to the identities women create through the stories they tell (Riessman, 1993). Since so many of women’s experiences have been delineated by others (Daniluk, 1993), narrative also responds to

3 feminist researchers’ call to enable “the authority of women’s experiences to construct women’s realities” (pp. 54-55).

This research is important because we know little about the meanings that single Mormon women make of their sexual desire or how they manage this desire in a social and religious context where it is prohibited.

Theoretical Perspectives: Social Constructionism and Critical Feminist Theory

This study is guided by the social constructionist paradigm, which takes a critical stance towards taken-for-granted “knowledge” (Burr, 1995). Social constructionists posit that our current, accepted ways of understanding the world are not derived from objective observations but from the historical, cultural and social contexts we inhabit (Burr, 1995; Morrow, 2007). What individuals “know” and see as reality is constructed via the meanings and purposes they give to behaviour, as influenced by the particular values and beliefs of the society and culture around them (Hamilton, 1994).

Socio-cultural values and beliefs lead to oppression of various groups. Therefore this study is further guided by critical feminist theory, which states there exists a ubiquitous “reality” in the form of power relations based on gender and sexual values (Morrow, 2007). Oppression is both socially constructed and produced. Critical feminists who use a social constructionist epistemology include Rachel Hare-Mustin (1994) and Michelle Fine (1988). As they state, individual experiences uniquely shape one’s identity, yet always occur within the context of gendered beliefs and expectations about social relations and identity (Fine, 1988; Hare-Mustin, 1994; Marshall and Rossman, 2011). Besides gender, the intersection of other identities such as race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, social class and religion contribute to the numerous realities an individual experiences. Feminist theory surfaces and analyzes power relations and usually aims to emancipate its participants (Creswell, 2007; Marshall & Rossman, 2011).

A prominent example of power relations is gender roles, which in second-wave feminism’s view are the main tool of oppression within patriarchy. Socially and culturally- ingrained expectations about gender roles, established by those in power, control how both men and women behave, what they can know and to whom they must answer if

4 they violate these expectations (Nelson, 2001). In terms of sexuality, Daniluk’s (1998) research findings indicate that the sexual scripts of popular culture, disseminated by the media, perpetuate traditional and limiting ideas regarding female sexuality and sexual expression. These ideas are that women are naturally less sexual than men; to feel sexual desire is to be unfeminine; and women are to be objects of desire and not subjects in their own right (Daniluk, 1998; Isherwood, 2012; Tong, 2014).

Because of these dominant discourses (Hare-Mustin, 1994), researchers have not explored women’s sexuality to the same degree they have explored men’s (Bellamy et al., 2011; Kleinplatz, 2002; Tiefer, 2001). Feminist scholars have called for research that features women’s subjective experiences at the core of inquiry. As Kleinplatz (2002) states:

Female sexuality is best understood by listening to women’s own voices rather than attempting to peer from a safe distance and have our views filtered through the distorting lenses of conventional and sexological images of sexuality and female sexuality. (p. 130)

Purpose of the Study

The purpose of this research was to understand how single Mormon women make meaning of their sexuality within a religious context of expected chastity before marriage. How they make meaning of the tensions they experience impacts how they view themselves, how they cope with the challenges and how they interact with others. This has implications for their physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.

5 (YSA) congregations, social activities, service projects, religion classes and conferences, where it is hoped they will find someone to marry (Welker, 2018; Young, 1992). If an individual turns 31 and is still single, they are no longer permitted to attend (Young, 1992). It is likely that a single individual over the age of 30 who has not married and is not allowed to go to YSA events may experience stigma. This may manifest internally in terms of personal concerns about attractiveness, suitability for marriage and even one’s standing before God (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013; Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). Externally this stigma may manifest as pressure to marry, questions about one’s faith and righteousness, judgment and even rejection from others (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013; Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). These experiences have been linked to depression (Rutledge, 1993).

Research Questions

The primary research question was: How do single LDS women narrate their experience of sexuality within the Church? The secondary research question was: How do single LDS women navigate the expectation of celibacy before marriage? Further, how do they make meaning of its implications for their mental health and well-being?

Implications

Rutledge (1993) spoke of the unique challenges single Mormons face due to the conflict between their basic psychological desires for intimacy and the expectations of their church. She asserted that neither church leaders nor psychotherapists understand the needs of single Mormons well enough to provide suitable counsel. As an example, she reported experiences of group facilitators that heard from Mormon men who had gotten married on Friday and had the marriages annulled on Monday in order to meet intimacy needs and still feel as though they were meeting chastity requirements. Within the safe atmosphere of the group, these men described feeling intense regret and self- contempt. However, when Rutledge (1993) discussed this with a church leader, his response was devoid of empathy and focused mainly on the “evil” of their behaviour (p. 6). Rutledge (1993) points out that few leaders are trained therapists and if their main focus in these situations is on religious dogma and violation of standards, this could be problematic.

6 This study can foster a better understanding of Mormon women's experiences, beliefs and practices, therefore enabling better therapeutic support. Work with this population will also sensitize researchers and therapists to issues potentially relevant to other communities. Counsellors, church leaders and others who interact with women, such as health professionals, will be in a better position to offer support and assistance if they are more informed about Mormon women’s experiences of their sexuality, particularly within their religious context. Ideally, this increased understanding will enable the development of more supportive therapeutic strategies, not just for single Mormon women but for women everywhere struggling to integrate their sexuality and live more holistic lives. Indeed, integration of spirituality and sexuality can develop “wholeness, harmony, meaning, connection, greater self-understanding and mutual fulfillment” (Stabb et al., 2008, p. 43). What we learn about the experience of these women has broad relevance not only to women in other conservative religions but to all women who must navigate and live within a patriarchal society.

7 Literature Review

In Western society, most women find it difficult to feel comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality (Daniluk, 1998; McCormick, 1994). This is due to patriarchal scripts that dictate restrictions on how women can appear and what desires they can express (Hare-Mustin, 1994; Isherwood, 2012; Tiefer, 2001). These can severely limit women’s roles and agency. This is particularly true within the Christian religious tradition, where many experience some level of sexual oppression (Stabb et al., 2008). Women in the patriarchal and conservative religion of Mormonism face a particularly potent version of the struggle, as men hold virtually all authority over their spiritual lives (Christensen, 1994; Cornwall, 1994) and there is no legitimizing discourse in which to make sense of erotic experience (Finlayson-Fife, 2002). It is transgressive to even speak of such things (Peterfeso, 2011). Yet sexuality is an integral aspect of an individual’s self and identity. It has deep and multi-layered connections to personal agency, empowerment and wholeness.

Definitions of Sexuality

Some have said that “sexuality” is one of the most difficult areas of human experience to describe and define (Bellamy et al., 2011). I will review some religious, psychological and social science attempts to define it.

Before the advent of modern medicine in Western society, religion—specifically Christianity—held the definitive view on sexuality. Church doctrine declared what was “normal” and “appropriate” in God’s eyes (Bellamy et al., 2011; Daniluk, 1994). A good example of this declaration is the official definition of sexuality in the LDS faith. Sexuality is defined in the current Encyclopedia of Mormonism as “attitudes, feelings, and desires that are God-given and central to God's plan for his children” (Olson, 1992, p. 1306). It goes on to state that “sexuality is not characterized as a need, or a deprivation that must be satisfied, but as a desire that should be fulfilled only within [heterosexual] marriage” (Olson, 1992, p. 1306).

This definition may seem limited to much of today’s secular population. While religious views are not as prevalent in modern society, it could be argued that the secular view of sexuality also has constraints. The conventional view of sex is “that

8 which happens between the legs in bed” (Kleinplatz, 2002). Nicolson (1993) speaks of the so-called biological, coital and orgasmic imperatives that accompany this view, where penile-vaginal intercourse is “natural” and “normal” and where sexual activity supposedly reaches its peak most healthily and pleasurably with orgasm. Many have critiqued this “genitalization” of sexuality, or focus on the mechanical aspects of sex, for its reductionistic view of human sexuality (Kleinplatz, 2002; McCormick, 1994; Nelson, 1978; Ogden, 2002; Weeks, 1986). It has been observed that this focus on acts, rather than the biological, social and psychological processes underlying the behaviour, limits understanding of the full range of sexual experiences and possibilities (Daniluk, 1998).

Furthermore, this phallocentric focus on penile-vaginal intercourse and orgasm has privileged the male experience of sex (Bellamy et al., 2011; Daniluk, 1998; Hare- Mustin, 2002; Kleinplatz, 2002). This has created a sexual double standard (Ashley, Hart, Stefaniak & Harvey, 2018) where women are judged “more harshly than men for comparable sexual behaviour” (p. 230). Men are conceptualized as active agents spurred on by instincts and urges while women are positioned as passive subjects as well as gatekeepers. If women do act on their sexual desires, they can be seen as sluts or whores (Bellamy et al., 2011; Daniluk, 1998; Sakaluk et al., 2014). Research on the sexual double standard points to mixed findings and shifting terrain on “slut” shaming. It appears that in modern society, young women encounter the “slut” shaming discourse alongside sexual empowerment and highly sexualized discourses (Thompson et al., 2018; Webb, 2015).

An example of this can be found in Sakaluk et al. ‘s (2014) work, where they conducted three studies among undergraduate students to examine current dominant sexual scripts of heterosexual adults. They found that while there is growing evidence of more egalitarian scripts, in general participants demonstrated strong agreement regarding what is acceptable behaviour among men and women, many themes being consistent with traditional sexual scripts. The authors found that most participants believe women experience sexual desire less often than men (Sakaluk et al., 2014). Furthermore, the current scripts dictate that men are to initiate sex while women are to be gatekeepers. Women are also to service or pleasure men, according to the traditional scripts. Women are to limit their sexual desire and not talk about sexual pleasure. As one participant stated,

9 I’d say that women are more inclined to—uh, single women in particular—are more inclined to shield their real sex drive for fear of being labeled as a ‘‘slut’’ or anything like that. (p. 520)

That being said, there was wide agreement among participants that once in a committed relationship, women are free to express themselves sexually. One modernization of the script researchers observed was that women are now expected to be sexually skilled and knowledgeable.

“Slut” shaming was discussed in a number of studies. Webb (2015) defines slut- shaming as the “public exposure and shaming of individuals for their (perceived or actual) sexual behaviour” (p. 1) and argues that it is a form of “cultural suppression of female sexuality” that has occurred since history’s earliest days (p. 1). He states it is currently rampant on the Internet, is primarily focused on women and subjects women to disproportionately greater inspection and judgment of their sexual behaviour (Webb, 2015). These themes are echoed in Tanenbaum’s (2015) work, where she discusses the current challenges young women face in being encouraged to express themselves sexually and then being derided as “sluts” if they do.

Social constructionist paradigm

This study is guided by the social constructionist paradigm, which takes a critical stance towards taken-for-granted “knowledge” (Burr, 1995). Social constructionists posit that our current, accepted ways of understanding the world are not derived from objective observations but from the “social processes and interactions in which people are constantly engaged with each other” (Burr, 1995, p. 3). These are impacted by historical and cultural constraints as well.

The theorists Michel Foucault (1981) and Jeffrey Weeks (1986; 1985) have played key roles in documenting the historical shifts in the social construction of sexuality. They questioned the above conceptualizations of sexuality and instead suggested that sexualities are continually produced and modified in response to historical, societal and cultural influences (Bellamy, Gott, Hinchliff & Nicolson, 2011). For example, the idea of “sexuality” itself only came into existence in the 19th century

10 (Bellamy et al., 2011). The concept of sexual orientation was also developed during this time (Worthington & Mohr, 2002).

Christian sexuality scholar James Nelson (1978) takes up a social constructionist perspective in arguing that humans are born into historically-created “sexual worlds” where various organizations and groups transmit meanings of sex and sexuality. Or, as psychologist and sexuality scholar Leonore Tiefer (2004) puts it, “hormones and life histories are far from enough to understand sex….human sexuality must be seen in light of competing ideologies and economic interests” (p. xiv).

This study also utilizes a feminist lens, which understands the western world as patriarchal and thus guided by male-dominated sexual paradigms (Kleinplatz, 2002, p. 124). Neither women’s desires nor how they subjectively experience sexuality are part of the typical discourse (Kleinplatz, 2002). A feminist social constructionist perspective sees these discourses as a means of regulating and controlling women, or in other words teaching them what is “appropriate” rather than allowing them to explore their intrinsic desires and identities (Daniluk, 1993; Kleinplatz, 2008; Hare-Mustin, 1998; Ussher, 1994). Consider the example of what is taught in sexual education (if sexual education is taught at all). The focus is on the body parts relevant for sexual reproduction: the penis and the vagina. When a girl is not taught about the parts of her body most relevant for her pleasure, such as the vulva and the clitoris, the message sent is that at best her pleasure is not relevant (Kleinplatz, 2002). She may also come to understand that she must not talk about sexual desire or pleasure at all. This silence may be part of a larger lack of acknowledgement of sexuality, as is the case in many cultures. This silence shapes women’s conceptualizations and beliefs around sexuality (Daniluk, 1998). It can prevent women from feeling comfortable communicating about sex and lead to naiveté, ambivalence, vulnerability and a lack of sexual fulfillment (Mahoney, 2008).

Given these issues, any discussion of sexuality must also include discussions about power, control, identity and views of the self (Bellamy et al., 2011; Foucault, 1981). Hillman (2000) made this attempt at capturing the complexity:

Sexuality will be defined here as a broadly based term that indicates any combination of sexual behaviour, sensual activity, emotional intimacy, or sense

11 of sexual identity. Any individual’s wish to engage in any of these activities may also be considered an aspect of sexuality. Sexuality may involve sexual activity with the explicit goal of achieving pleasure of climax (e.g. kissing, foreplay, intercourse), sensual activity with or without the explicit goal of achieving sexual pleasure (e.g. wearing body lotion to feel attractive or feminine), or the experience of emotional intimacy within the context of a romantic relationship. Thus sexuality incorporates a vast number of issues including body image, masturbation, love, libido, intercourse, homophobia, relationship satisfaction, marital satisfaction, desires for sensual and sexual experience, and participation in high risk behaviours. (pp. 5–6)

Female sexuality scholar Judith Daniluk (1998) adds that for women, sexuality could also include “physiology and reproductive capacity…the relationships and activities she engages in… her feelings, attitudes and self perceptions, or…particular organs and body parts” (p. 6). Feminist scholars emphasize that sexual bodily contact is not limited to genitalia (Mahoney, 2004).

Ogden (2002) expands the definition of sexuality even further with her belief that it must take account of “subtle, non-physical dimensions” (p. i). Her view of sexuality includes “relational connection, emotional feelings, intentionality, imagination, memories, beliefs and judgments, spiritual connections, and transformation[;] that is, a sense of movement or change from one state of being to another” (2002, p. i). Ogden (2002) notes these are part of Maslow’s concept of peak experiences and that there is a large amount of evidence to support the idea that these elements are important for women’s sexual fulfillment.

Perhaps the broadest definition of all comes from Daniluk (1998). She proposes that whether an experience fits within a woman’s sexuality all depends on whether the woman herself defines it as sexual. This is in line with the feminist social constructionist perspective in which the meaning of an experience is constructed by the individual as they interact with others and the environment (Ussher, 1994). As Daniluk (1998) states, the meaning of a body part or an encounter will vary depending on the woman’s particular history and the “contextual, situational, and relational realities of her life” (p. 8). Therefore, there are as many forms of sexuality as there are women on the planet, and each of these is shaped by a variety of contexts. Furthermore, these contexts change

12 over time, which means it is more “accurate and empowering to view women’s sexuality as process” [emphasis in original] (Daniluk, 1998, p. 9).

Women’s sexual identity development

Our gender and sexual identities are an integral part of our human experience. The social constructionist paradigm sees gender as a social construct. Therefore, the working definition of “woman” that I use in this study is an individual who self-identifies as a woman and/or as female.

What comprises sexual identity and how it is created has been a source of significant debate and growth in comprehension in the last few decades (Hildebrandt, 2014; Lara, 2017; Worthington, Savoy, Dillon & Vernaglia, 2002). My study uses the narrative model of identity development, where the stories that individuals tell guide the formation of their identities and selves (Riessman, 1993). That being said, I will provide a review of two sexual identity development models for contextual information.

The first, developed by Worthington et al. (2002), is considered a “significant contribution” to understanding (Bieschke, 2002, p. 578). Previously, there had been almost no research on how heterosexual individuals perceive their personal sexual identity as virtually all the literature on sexual orientation is regarding LGB issues (Bieschke, 2002). Worthington et al. (2002) situate their model of heterosexual identity development within a biopsychosocial context. They state that the social context in particular influences sexual identity development as it holds ideas about sexual values, sexual activities, gender roles and expectations to conform to those roles. They see gender as particularly important. In fact, they conceptualize heterosexual identity development as “subordinate and concomitant to the processes involving gender identity development in Western cultural contexts” (p. 504). Worthington et al. (2002) theorize that how one develops an identity as a sexual being will be strongly influenced by how deeply they internalize gender role expectations and norms. They speak of double standards regarding sexual behavior as ultimately shaping and confining sexual identity development. They point out that individuals receive harsh judgments when they don’t conform to norms.

13 Women in particular receive mixed messages from family, society and culture: they learn from the time they are young that they are “responded to as sexual, but they are not to act sexual” (Westkott, 1986, as cited in Worthington et al., 2002, p. 505). This is an echo of a “socio-religious” ideal known as the Madonna/whore dichotomy that became particularly dominant in the Victorian era (Crooks & Baur, 2008; Ogden, 2008). Kleinplatz (2002) describes modern women as experiencing remnants of this image because they face expectations that they should be sexy and desirable, but not overtly. This evidences the dominant paradigms that privilege not just heterosexual relationships but heterosexual cis-men’s sexual desire (Crooks & Baur, 2008; Daniluk, 1998; Grobbelaar, 2012; Hare-Mustin, 1994; Hoffman, 2004; Hunt & Jung, 2009; Kleinplatz, 2002). These discourses, steeped in patriarchy, are so ingrained that they are seen to be the natural order of things. The conventional understanding is that masculinity equals dominance, aggression and natural sexual “needs” that must be satisfied (Grobbelaar, 2012; Hare-Mustin, 1994; Hunt & Jung, 2009; Soble, 2009; Worthington et al., 2002). Females, for their part, are seen as the objects that arouse male sexual desire and are expected to comply (Grobbelaar, 2012; Hare-Mustin, 1994; Hunt & Jung, 2009). As Bepko and Krestan (1993) note: "The preferred form of all heterosexual relationships [is one] in which man is the performer, the woman his audience, he the important one, she the support system" (p. 107). Related scripts include that women’s bodies are key to their worth; that women must not initiate sexual activity or engage in it with many partners or else they will be “sluts”; and that women are the gatekeepers of sexual activity (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Grobbelaar, 2012; Hunt & Jung, 2009; Sakaluk et al., 2014; Sharma, 2008).

These prevailing scripts within society and culture are reinforced at every turn (Brown, 2004). They have a tremendous impact on women’s sexual identities and how they behave in the sexual realm. Unquestioning acceptance of the script of compliance, for example, means that women who feel uncomfortable complying may see themselves as “bad” women—whether they acquiesce or not (Finlayson-Fife, 2016; Hare-Mustin, 1996). This view of themselves as “bad” can have major repercussions on their identity as a whole. Another example is that women may come to believe that their sexuality equates to their sexual attractiveness to males (Tiefer, 2004). These concepts and others will be discussed further in the findings chapter.

14 In brief, Worthington et al.’s (2002) model advances the conceptualization of sexual identity as a multidimensional construct that includes:

(a) identification and awareness of one’s sexual needs, (b) adoption of personal sexual values, (c) awareness of preferred sexual activities, (d) awareness of preferred characteristics of sexual partners, (e) awareness of preferred modes of sexual expression, and (f) recognition and identification with sexual orientation (i.e., sexual orientation identity). p. 512

They theorize that these components of individual sexual identity “evolve and interact” with social identity development, which includes the process of group membership identity and attitudes toward sexual minorities (p. 512).

Worthington et al. (2002) further conceptualize this development as moving between five stages. These are unexplored commitment, active exploration, diffusion, deepening and commitment and finally, synthesis. They describe each stage as follows. Unexplored commitment is the stage where individuals are not considering their sexuality at a conscious level; correspondingly, they are operating within culturally prescribed norms. Active exploration entails purposefully examining one’s sexual needs, values and other aspects of sexual identity. Diffusion is explained as the absence of exploration or commitment and is often a result of identity confusion in other aspects of one’s life. Deepening and commitment entails moving towards a greater commitment to one’s sexual needs, values and other aspects of sexual identity. They hypothesize that an individual may arrive at this stage without active exploration. Finally, synthesis is the most mature status of sexual identity where there is congruence among the dimensions of individual identity and development processes. Worthington et al. (2002) suggest it is likely that individuals in this state are more affirming toward LGB individuals and understand human sexuality as a continuum. In general, research has found that commitment to one’s sexual identity is associated with a positive sexual self-concept and healthy sexual decisions (Lara, 2017). Interestingly, two of the models developed to conceptualize healthy gender identity in women suggest that women move from traditional, imposed gender role norms to internal, personal standards (Worthington et al., 2002). It has been theorized that recognizing, accepting and expressing each aspect of one’s sexual identity is key to one’s overall sexual identity (Worthington et al., 2002).

15 Worthington et al. (2002) also point out that religion can have significant consequences for sexual identity development, given that virtually every religion dictates specific values and behaviours regarding sexuality (Worthington et al., 2002). A religion is likely to focus on theological teachings about sexual matters, with an emphasis on appropriate sexual practices, which leaves little attention for theories of human nature in their fullness. Religiosity, or the level of adherence to the religion, the frequency of church attendance, spirituality and beliefs, is particularly relevant to sexual identity development. As an example, researchers have found that women who attend church were more likely to view masturbation as unhealthy or sinful sexual activity (Davidson, Darling, and Norton, 1995, as cited in Worthington et al., 2002). In general, religiosity can have significant effects on the levels of exploration and commitment that one may have regarding one’s sexuality.

Another recently-developed model of sexual identity is that posited by Kelley Winters as discussed in Hildebrandt (2014), who has proposed an integral model comprised of four independent components: biological sex, gender identity, gender role and sexual orientation. The model considers biology, gender expression, sexual behavior and sexual/affectional attractions in the context of cultural norms and beliefs related to gender and sexual activity norms. It also includes the collective social system including dress codes, dating and mating rituals and laws that govern how gender and sexual behavior is expressed. Taken all together, these factors “enact the human experience of sexual identity” (Hildebrandt, 2014, p. 135).

Mormon views of the body and sexuality

Mormonism has undergone such extensive social and intellectual alterations that one Mormon historian has wondered if its founder, Joseph Smith Jr., would even recognize it today (Hansen, 1994). Regarding sexuality in particular, it is interesting to note that members of the LDS church were once seen as promiscuous due to their practice of polygamy in the 19th century (Riess, 2015). Mainstream Mormonism now officially disavows the practice (Bowman, 2012). However, changing societal norms of greater permissiveness around sexual activity have prompted Mormon leaders to respond with stricter rules and sanctions around dress and sexual morality (Hansen, 1994). The primary values around sexuality in Mormonism today are procreation and chastity (Swedin, 1998).

16 Mormons do not give credence to the idea of original sin, but there is “popular LDS skepticism of physical experience” (Brown & Holbrook, 2015, p. 295). While the original prophet, Joseph Smith, saw only blood as “contaminated,” later leaders saw the entire body as such (Brown & Holbrook, 2015). In general, contemplating the body in Mormonism is usually done within the context of long-term relationships, whether those are between the individual and God or between a wife and husband (Brown & Holbrook, 2015). Sexual desire is rarely acknowledged, even in the context of marriage. This is exemplified in the book “Mormon Doctrine,” written by a prominent church leader long considered the authority on the religion (Bowman, 2012). For the entry on “Sex Desires,” it contains no information and refers the reader to “see Sex Immorality” (Mackelprang, 1994). Sexual sin, in fact, is described as the sin next to murder (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Holman & Harding, 1996; Mackelprang, 1994). Originally this sin was defined as adultery; the definition was later expanded to include fornication, or sexual intercourse outside of marriage (Shaw, 1987). This view of sexual sin is widely accepted as doctrinal (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013) but at least one alternative belief exists. Michael Ash (2006) analyzes the Book of Mormon scripture on which this assertion is based and suggests that the actual sin next to murder being described in the verse is the sin of causing the spiritual death of others. He points out that if sexual sin was indeed the most serious sin, one would expect the rest of the chapter to be dedicated to it, but that is not what occurs (Ash, 2006). He discusses other scriptures where the seriousness of “murdering” another’s testimony, or destroying their faith in God and religion, is laid out as evidence to reinforce his interpretation.

Some efforts have been made by church leaders to discuss sexuality more openly over the years. In the late twentieth century, the LDS church commissioned a manual entitled “Human Maturity,” which included some sections on sexuality. A large amount of time was spent on developing the materials, but the manual was never published (Mackelprang, 1994). Lessons on sexuality, intended for inclusion in church instructional manuals, were developed but also never published (Mackelprang, 1994). The Church did publish A Parent’s Guide, with guidance on topics for infants up to young adults, in 1985. It contained some candid discussions about sex and sexuality and has been described as “to date…the best effort by the Church to deal with the broad range of sexual issues confronting church members” (Mackelprang, 1994, p. 52). However, the same author indicated that only a small minority of Mormons know that it exists.

17 Two good examples of the ambivalence Mormons feel towards sexuality and sexual desire can be found in Mormon popular culture. As Jana Riess (2015) stated, “Mormon young women want to be perceived as sexy and tempting while remaining within the acceptable boundaries of their religion” (p. 442). These boundaries have been defined in a Church pamphlet entitled For the Strength of Youth (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2011), which outlines church standards for many areas of living. In the section entitled “Sexual Purity,” it states:

Before marriage, do not participate in passionate kissing, lie on top of another person, or touch the private, sacred parts of another person’s body, with or without clothing. Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body. (p. 36)

There are web programs such as The Mormon Bachelor and The Mormon Bachelorette, but they emphasize maintaining these standards. There is no sex (Riess, 2015). In the popular Twilight series written by Mormon author Stephanie Meyer, the main characters did not have sex until their wedding night. However, church-owned bookstore Deseret Book removed the books from their shelves when Mormon customers complained the books were “too steamy” (Riess, 2015, p. 443).

When sexuality is discussed in Mormonism, both an LDS historian and an LDS researcher agree that the focus has usually been disproportionately on women (Brown & Holbrook, 2015; Finlayson-Fife, 2016). Mormon women receive mixed messages regarding their bodies. The cultural script is that women’s “virtue (by which is meant their virginity at the time of marriage) is their greatest possession” (Brown & Holbrook, 2015, p. 302). Not only do women learn they must guard this “virtue” at all costs, they also receive implicit messages that they are responsible for managing men’s behaviour through the way they dress and act (Finlayson-Fife, 2016). LDS researcher Jill Peterfeso (2011) states that Mormon women are to dress modestly to protect men from being sexually aroused, yet women are also to appreciate their bodies, including the sexual aspects, as a gift from God. Patriarchal ideology places more responsibility on women to manage sexual activity but also to yield to male “authority.” Therefore, women are caught in a dichotomy of conflicting cultural scripts. Women must put men’s needs before their own, but women must also not allow men to go too far sexually (Finlayson- Fife, 2016; Hare-Mustin, 1994; Hyvaarinen, 2008). Since these contradictions are so

18 difficult to navigate, women are vulnerable to feelings of shame and guilt for being involved in sexual activity that devalues them and for not stopping the behaviour in the first place (Tolman & Higgins, 1996). Marecek & Gavey (2013) speak of expectations so ingrained in culture, it is as if they are surrounded by "historical and cultural force fields” (p. 5). This description appears relevant when speaking of behavioural norms for Mormon women. Gender roles and teachings about sexuality in the LDS religion will be discussed further in a later section.

As mentioned above, LDS leaders often use the term “virtue” to refer to any or all of the following: women, the law of chastity, virginity and/or “clean thoughts” (Kelly, 2011). It is often spoken of as something that must be preserved that women should not allow to be taken from them. However, this is problematic given that the definition of virtue encompasses much more than sexuality. One Mormon observer points out that the Bible, recognized as a book of scripture in Mormonism, describes virtue as marital fidelity, loyalty, skill, independence, commitment to hard work and generosity (Kelly, 2011). As Kelly (2011) puts it, virtue is something a woman gives herself, not something that can be taken away from her. For the purposes of this study, I will use the terms “chastity” or “law of chastity” to mean the LDS standards around sexual activity described in the above For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.

Literature search strategy

I conducted a systematic search of the following databases: Academic Search Complete, ATLA Religion Database, Google Scholar, Humanities and Social Sciences Index Retrospective: 1907-1984, PsycARTICLES, PsycINFO, Social Sciences Full Text and Women’s Studies International. In my first search I used combinations of the search terms conservative Christian, LDS or Latter-day Saint, Mormon, sex*, female and woman or women. Inclusion criteria for review were: a) main focus on Christian women, b) main focus on those women’s experiences with both sexuality and spirituality, c) published in or after 1980 and d) text written in English. There were no limits on age range of participants due to the relevance of this topic across the life span. I then conducted more specific searches: one in the same databases with the addition of the search term single, and one within the database of the Mormon peer-reviewed journal Dialogue: A Journal of Mormon Thought with the search term single. Due to the lack of existing literature, these constraints were all I needed to determine relevance.

19 It became apparent that literature from pastoral counselling on sexuality could be relevant, so I conducted another search in the above-mentioned databases using the search terms pastoral/Christian counsel(l)ing or pastoral/Christian counsel(l)ing care and sexuality.

As analysis of findings commenced, it became apparent that literature on Mormon women and agency could provide useful contextual information, so I conducted another search of the above-mentioned databases with the search terms Mormon and/or LDS and/or Latter day Saint and agency and woman.

I also used Google Scholar to cross-check citations on the articles I had found. In some cases this resulted in finding other potentially relevant articles to review.

Findings

The final sample of studies that conformed to the search criteria was very limited, indicating an under-researched area of study.

Studies of Christian Women and Sexuality

I found seven studies focused on Christian women and sexuality. That includes two published articles based on doctoral dissertations that studied Christian women (Mahoney, 2008; Sharma, 2008), a published article based on research with Brazilian Catholic women (Hoga, Tiburcio, Borges & Reberte, 2010); a further two unpublished doctoral dissertations that studied Christian women (Ellis-Gowdy, 2006; Sutton, 2009) and two master’s theses based on research with predominantly Christian women (Ellefson Terhune, 2012; Johnson, 2001). In most of these studies the majority of the participants were married.

Amy Mahoney (2008) conducted qualitative semi-structured interviews with 10 participants ranging in age from 46-72, most of whom were married. There was diversity in terms of sexual orientation: three identified as heterosexual, four identified as lesbian and three identified as bisexual. Mahoney’s (2008) purpose was to explore the interaction between Christian women’s sexuality and spirituality and the impact of sex- negative messages on sexual and spiritual development. Her study had a unique inclusion criterion that women had to have experienced conflict between their sexuality

20 and spirituality and resolved it. However, she found that her participants faced difficulties integrating their spirituality and sexuality and it was an ongoing process. Further, she found an inverse relationship between the amount of importance women gave to the authority of the Christian churches in their lives and the level of sexual/spiritual satisfaction they were able to experience at various points in their lives. One of the most important aspects of Mahoney’s (2008) study was her point that clinicians can benefit female clients by helping them understand that sexual and spiritual growth is a developmental process that can be understood as interactive throughout the life span. One drawback of Mahoney’s (2008) study is that she did not explore the single woman’s experience.

Sonya Sharma (2008) conducted qualitative interviews with young Protestant women, interviewing 28 women between the ages of 18 and 25. Two of the participants identified as lesbian while the rest identified as heterosexual. Her purpose was to learn how the women’s church involvement impacted their sexuality. Her findings were that there is a pervasive discourse of sexuality being confined to marriage and that participants felt a sense of accountability to the group for this. This resulted in either a repressed, oppressive sexuality or an empowering sense of community. These findings were useful for understanding how some conservative Christian women make meaning of the constraints regarding their sexuality. It would have been useful to interview women outside of this rather narrow age bracket to have a richer understanding of women’s views at various ages. Emerging adults may have vastly different opinions and values around sexuality as compared to older individuals.

Luiza Hoga et al. (2010) used the oral history method to interview 17 Catholic women in Brazil regarding the teachings they received from priests and parents and how those influenced their sexual attitudes. They conducted in-depth interviews with women ranging in age from 19-68. The majority of participants were married. Sexual orientation was not mentioned. The researchers explained that their operational definition of sexuality was to include women’s comprehensive views toward sex: it included the “man-woman relationship” as well as the way “women themselves feel as persons living in this condition in family and social relationships” (Hoga et al, 2010, p. 703). After completing the interviews, the researchers performed narrative content analysis. This resulted in three themes summarizing women’s experiences which they list as

21 orientations about sexuality received from priests; lack of orientation or existence of open dialogue about sexuality: distinct experiences in the family context; adherence or repudiation; and distinct attitudes toward orientations received. (p. 700)

It is unclear how the researchers meant to group these categories. There was some difficulty for this reader in understanding the article given vagaries of word choices, possibly due to mistranslations. That being said, the findings regarding the lack of dialogue around sexuality either at home or at church were informative.

Julie Ellis-Gowdy (2006) performed a qualitative study with 10 young self- identified Christian college women (ages 18-22). All were heterosexual, White, American women. She used semi-structured interviews to inquire about their choices regarding sexual activities and relationships. Major themes she found were participants’ experiences of guilt, cognitive dissonance and conflict in regards to their sexuality. Five participants reported shifting their perceptions of what the Bible says to better match their behaviour. These were interesting and informative findings, however, the population lacked diversity in terms of age, sexual orientation, ethnicity and nationality. The study did not contribute to understanding the experiences of minority Christian women.

Debra Sutton (2009) performed a feminist, hermeneutical, phenomenological study examining how women reared in Christian faith traditions were influenced by dualistic thought, or the sexual-spiritual split. She collected qualitative data through interviews, journaling and labyrinth walking with 11 women. The women ranged in age from 33-55; the majority were “European-American”; all were heterosexual; and six were in relationships while three were divorced and two had never been married. All of the women participated in some kind of spiritual or religious practices though some no longer considered themselves Christian. Sutton (2009) found that for some women, their sexual identity can be shaped by religious teachings that separate body from spirit and view women as secondary to men. These identities are also shaped in families where women’s silence and submission is expected. Sutton’s participants (2009) were both empowered and disempowered in areas of sexuality and spirituality. The more strongly connected women were to an internal authority, the more they resisted harmful religious teachings. Sutton (2009) also discussed the implication from her findings that women

22 benefit from hearing one another’s stories. A positive aspect of Sutton’s (2009) study was her strong feminist critique of religious institutions and teachings. Some issues were that her study questions were rather vague and so her findings were as well. She also often used one statement to represent many women without a rationale.

Cheri Ellefson Terhune (2012) interviewed 21 evangelical Christian women who attended church regularly or had done so in the recent past. Their ages ranged from 18- 26. Four were married and the rest were single. Sexual orientations were not disclosed. She reported using “narrative-style” research in which she conducted semi-structured, one-on-one in-depth interviews. Ellefson Terhune (2012)’s purpose was to explore how evangelical Christian women utilize messages regarding sexuality from their pastors and parents to shape their attitudes toward sexuality. She used the theoretical frameworks of subculture identity theory, scripting theory and reference group theory and the constant comparative method to analyze the interview data. She found that vague and inconsistent messages from pastors and parents regarding sex, lack of conversations from parents on sex and Biblical scripture all contribute to the participants’ general construction and understanding of sexuality. More specifically, despite traditional messages, young evangelical Christian women do not necessarily incorporate only those messages when conceptualizing their sexuality. Women perceived those messages to be unclear and so constructed their own understandings of sexuality. Ellefson Terhune (2012) included informative data on how “sex” is defined by young adults. One drawback was the length of her thesis: just 39 pages meant the findings were not as rich as they could have been.

Carole Johnson (2001) performed a quantitative research study with 96 women between the ages of 18 and 50. Fifty-six percent were married while 39% were single and 3% were divorced, which means that her study was one of the few to incorporate single women to such a large degree. The majority identified as Christian, though some Jewish participants were also included. All participants identified as heterosexual. Johnson (2001) used a feminist social constructionist framework to explore possible relationships between sexual self-esteem and spiritual orientation in women, using various inventories to do so. A humanistic perspective was also incorporated. She found a measurable and identifiable relationship between sexuality and spirituality, suggesting a woman’s feelings about the sexual aspects of herself and the spiritual aspects of herself are connected. More specifically, Johnson (2001) found a relationship between

23 moral judgement, idealism and altruism. She points out that a more heterogenous sample might have yielded findings of a more pronounced relationship between sexual self-esteem and spiritual orientation. It would have been interesting to explore both religious and non-religious but spiritual women’s experiences of sexuality and spirituality in her sample to learn how experiences compare.

There were a number of key themes that emerged in the literature. One theme centred on the impacts of messages regarding sexuality that participants received from religious leaders and parents. Related to this was the silence, explored by a number of the studies, surrounding sexuality both at church and at home. Another key theme was regarding the difficulties women had in integrating their sexuality with their spirituality. A third theme emerged around power and authority, specifically whether women felt disempowered or empowered by their religious contexts and what they did about those feelings.

Studies of Mormon Women and Sexuality

My research located a total of five studies looking specifically at LDS women and sexuality. Two were doctoral dissertations examining the experiences of male and female single adult Mormons (Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). One was a doctoral dissertation limited to Mormon women in heterosexual marriages (Finlayson-Fife, 2002), later published as a book chapter (Finlayson-Fife, 2016). The final two were doctoral dissertations exploring same-sex attraction among Mormon women (Anderton, 2010; Jacobsen, 2013). Two articles were published drawing on research in the second dissertation (Jacobsen, 2017; Jacobsen and Wright, 2014).

Beverly Shaw (1987) and Jane Rutledge (1993) both examined how single Mormons cope with desires for intimacy. Shaw (1987) conducted quantitative research among one hundred and seventy-two single adult American Mormon males and females, the vast majority of whom were active in the Church. The age range was 25-65 with the average being 40. Homosexuality was specifically excluded from the study with no reason given. Shaw (1987) designed the study to investigate the types of sexual behaviours in which they engage (and if they are congruent with LDS norms) and the coping methods they use if they encounter dissonance. She mailed out a 100-item questionnaire and analyzed the responses using a descriptive-correlational approach.

24 She learned that the majority of single adult Mormons in her study acted in accordance with their sexual values. She also found that while individuals navigate societal influences by making ongoing modifications to values and behaviour, the influence of the Church mitigates these changes. She described the coping methods individuals used as well. This study appears to be the first of its kind and is an important contribution to the literature.

Rutledge (1993) conducted a quantitative study examining how the LDS religion impacts its never married and single-again (i.e., divorced or widowed) adult members as they cope with various aspects of intimacy. The participants were 175 males and females aged 30 and over living in Colorado with the majority of respondents (70%) female. She mailed out a survey (a 152-item questionnaire she designed) in which she posed eight different research questions. The ones most relevant for this review were regarding how the LDS milieu impacts efforts to cope with issues of intimacy (helpful and unhelpful aspects); the congruency of LDS sanctions with personal attitudes and behaviours; influences of perceptions around religious or gender roles; whether depression was an aspect of coping with intimacy issues; and which coping styles more fully resolve intimacy issues. She used a descriptive-correlation research approach to analyze the data collected. She found a high level of conflict between personal desires and church rules. She also found that the lack of official church attention given to adult issues of intimacy is problematic for many single Mormons, though at the same time the ideals taught are related to better adjustment to the single life.

Rutledge’s (1993) study is valuable for the examination of the Mormon single experience, only the second study I could locate on the topic. She made some important recommendations, such as creating discussion groups for single adults around sexuality with facilitators who are trained psychotherapists; thoroughly briefing church leaders about the ramifications of being a single adult so they can appropriately counsel this population; and ending chaperoning of single adult activities. She also emphasized the legitimacy of sexual desire and expressed concern for single adult Mormons who “must find a socially and theologically acceptable way of expressing or burying” their desire, perhaps resorting to unhealthy strategies and risking conflict and/or depression (p. 101). This compassionate and curious stance is all too rare within Mormon culture.

25 Finlayson-Fife (2016; 2002) used qualitative interviewing to examine married Mormon women’s experiences of their sexuality, specifically the relationship between the patriarchal church’s gender and sexual code and Mormon women’s sexual agency. She interviewed 16 heterosexual women between the ages of 23 and 53 who were active members of the Mormon church. She used a feminist framework for its critique of patriarchy and sought to understood the relevance of this critique to LDS women. She found that while Mormon women develop sexual identity within a patriarchal religion and culture, Mormonism demonstrates the potential to support female sexual agency in the religion’s ability to domesticate the sexual behavior of Mormon men. She also found a double standard regarding sexual legitimacy that interferes with women’s sexual agency, though some women are able to use the cultural strictures around sexuality to their advantage. All participants had been members of the Church since birth; it would have been interesting and informative to interview women who had become members of the Church later in life to compare and contrast their experiences with their sexuality to lifelong members.

Cindy Anderton (2010), Jeanna Jacobsen (2017) and Jacobsen & Wright (2014) explored the difficulty and conflict that Mormon women with same-sex attraction experienced. Cindy Anderton (2010) used a phenomenological approach to explore the experiences of women in the LDS church who “have or have had same-sex attractions” (p. i). She spoke to 10 White women, aged 25-50 (mean age 40) from the United States. She found that women struggled with the LDS religion and religious culture, understanding and identifying as non-heterosexual and coming out to others in their lives. Anderton (2010) indicated that counsellors could benefit from research providing in-depth and descriptive information about the experiences of participants who have same-sex attractions and come from a religious faith tradition that does not accept those attractions. The thick descriptions she provided in her study provide crucial insight into the experiences of this very understudied population.

Jeanna Jacobsen (2017) and Jacobsen and Rachel Wright (2014) used semi- structured interviews to speak to 23 Mormon women about their experiences with same- sex sexuality and the LDS church. They reported that the sample was heavily biased toward White women who now identify as lesbian and who had been born or raised in families practising the Mormon religion. Two women identified as bisexual and one as heterosexual. Another identified as same-sex attracted. One participant identified as an

26 ethnic minority. Data were analyzed using phenomenological methodology. The authors explored how the conflict between sexual orientation and religious beliefs impacted participants’ mental health and what kinds of mental health treatment they engaged in. Themes found included experiences with mood disorders, self-worth and suicidality. Further, Jacobsen (2017) found that community life can be troublesome for those who are part of a community that rejects their sexual identity. Her research explored themes of loss of community and rebuilding of community, finding there is a need to build safe community spaces where women can safely integrate their religious and sexual identities. As with Anderton (2010), this important work fills a gap in the literature in understanding of the same-sex attracted experiences of Mormon women.

I located a published article (Darrington, Piercy and Niehuis, 2005) based on a master’s thesis exploring the meaning of being single for Mormon college-age single adults (Darrington, 2003), but it did not contain any mentions of the word sexuality or anything related to it. Jana Darrington (2003) researched the meaning of being single among 24 American Mormons attending a predominantly LDS university. Ten were male and 14 were female. The majority of participants were between the ages of 20 and 29; the mean was 23. She used a qualitative approach in which she provided an open- ended questionnaire. Data was analyzed using a modified grounded theory method. Darrington (2003) examined influences on the construction of meanings of singlehood, gender patterns regarding the meaning of singlehood and pressures on Mormon singles to date and get married. The main finding of the study was that participants defined singlehood as a temporary state and marriage was a major goal (Darrington et al., 2005). That being said, Darrington (2003) stated the most important finding was that positive attitudes toward singlehood are more prevalent than negative or ambivalent ones. I am curious if similar results would be obtained from interviewing a more diverse sample, particularly one that included older individuals. As discussed elsewhere, the pressure to get married and stigma of being single can intensify the older a person gets, especially after age 30 for Mormons.

Grey Literature

Because of the limited number of academic publications, I am also including some grey literature. This non-academic work consists mainly of a book written for a layperson audience, containing findings from two studies of unmarried Christian women

27 (Aune, 2002); three memoirs by single Mormon women (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013; Sutton, 2012); an article about lesbian Mormons’ experiences published in the radical feminist periodical Off Our Backs (Severson, 1998); and an anthology of essays by Mormon women on love, sex, dating and marriage (Welker, 2016).

Aune’s (2002) book contains findings from two separate studies with 88 not- married (i.e., never married, divorced, separated or widowed) women. She declared that a single evangelical woman (or arguably any type of single Christian woman) today is in an “ambiguous position” regarding womanhood and religious identity both inside and outside the Church.

The memoirs were written by single Mormon women and address in detail their experiences of feeling abnormal and out of place as singles in the Church. Numerous feminist researchers have called for “the authority of women’s experiences to construct women’s realities,” since so many of their experiences have been delineated by others (Daniluk, 1993, pp. 54-55).). For this reason, although the books are anecdotal, they are included for the value of their first-person accounts. The women wrote candidly about the seemingly irreconcilable longings to both abide by Mormonism’s teachings and express their sexuality. Hardy (2013) described it as a “crisis of celibacy” (p. 2) while Baker (2010) put it thus: “it was like riding two horses. I had one foot on the back of each. . . . [and] the more that time passed, the farther apart these horses got” (p. 207). Other experiences will be discussed in a later section.

Kristin Severson (1998) wrote about conversations with lesbian Mormons for her thesis on moral authority. She declared that identifying as both lesbian and Mormon “can create a moral conflict which brings into question one’s whole conception of moral authority” (p. 10). Her other findings will be discussed in a later section.

Finally, the participants in Welker’s (2016) anthology wrote about the pressure they experienced to get married, the stigma of being single, the challenges of being gay and the impacts of such experiences on their sense of worth. Specific experiences will be discussed in later sections.

28 Contributions from Pastoral Counselling

I was able to find four pastoral counselling resources that addressed the issues of singleness and/or sexuality within pastoral care.

The first, meant to be a general “resource piece for singles ministry” (p. i), was a collaboration between a number of U.S. church associations including Episcopal, Lutheran, Evangelical Lutheran and Catholic churches (O’Donnell, Nelson & Rediger, 1986). The book contained some useful first-person stories on the experience of being single in the Church. It encouraged church leaders to consider the potentially harmful stereotypes about singles that exist at church. Interestingly, it contained a quote from an individual on the importance of supporting single adults in the grief caused by their singlehood:

In this culture. . . we are constantly . . . grieving the loss of expectations. If I have decided that by 30 years of age I will be married and have three kids and I reach that age and have fulfilled none of those goals it seems to me it is possible that I might be in the place of experiencing grief because of those unmet expectations. It also seems to me that the primary role of ministry with single people might be to facilitate the grief that comes from unmet expectations (p. 68).

Some parts of the book alluded to sexual desire, but there was nothing for clergy on how to support singles with such desires.

A second book (Nelson, 1983) outright declares that the biggest “stumbling block to an “effective singles ministry is the issue of singles sexuality” (p. 116). Nelson (1983) declares it to be a mistaken idea that there is one sexual ethic for all people, whether married or unmarried. He states that this belief has Victorian roots but is not substantiated by the Bible, where sexual conduct “is highly regulated but seldom prohibited” (p. 116). However, in Mormon doctrine premarital or extramarital sex is very much prohibited (Olson, 1992). Nelson’s (1983) suggestion to the Church is that it revisit some of its Biblical, theological and cultural presuppositions and trust the Holy Spirit, as well as singles themselves, to lead it in new directions.

In a book on women and developmental issues in pastoral care, a psychotherapist working pastorally observes that single women have been “especially

29 perplexing” to mainline Protestant churches (Dell, 2000, p. 331). She notes the importance of acknowledging that “single women are in a bind” (p. 322) when it comes to talking about sexuality at church due to stigma; however, she did not provide any practical guidance on how to support women in this position. She simply noted this was an area that required further discussion.

Another author provided more somewhat helpful information. In a book written for clergy, Carolyn Bohler points out that “single people can be whole” (Bohler, 1991, p. 315) and that single, celibate people can achieve a “healthy integration of sexuality into their lives” (p. 315). She emphasizes the need for “realistic” sexual norms (p. 318) and to trust others to develop their own guidelines. She suggests that ministers who only give instructions to not have sex before marriage are “opting [themselves] out of providing any guidance at all” (p. 318).

Themes in the Literature

Three main themes emerged through the review of the empirical studies, lay literature and pastoral counselling material. These themes center around (a) church culture, including lack of discussion or role models for healthy sexuality and the stigma regarding singleness; (b) patriarchy/power, including questions of agency and authority; and (c) emotional challenges, specifically conflict/shame/guilt and coping. There was strong consensus across studies for these subthemes.

A smaller set of studies, the literature regarding LDS women experiencing same- sex attraction (Anderton, 2010; Jacobsen, 2017; Jacobsen & Wright, 2014), described the challenges women faced given the intensely heteronormative context of LDS church culture (Dehlin et al., 2015; Henderson, 2016). Themes from this literature centred on impacts on mental health and severe emotional challenges. These will also be discussed forthwith.

Church culture

Official silence creates everyday silence

A common theme in the literature was the lack of discussion at church regarding sexuality. Turner and Stayton (2014) discuss how not offering dialogue or courses on

30 sexuality also serves as a kind of education. The message can appear to be that sexuality is not important and should not be acknowledged--at least in any significant way. This can also increase discomfort and shame about sexuality (Turner & Stayton, 2014). This is similar to the findings of Sutton’s (2009) research, wherein participants reported learning about sex and sexuality mostly through non-verbal messages. These were predominantly negative because the messages emphasized the sin of sexuality with words such as guilt, embarrassment, shame and sinner. Sutton (2009) argued this messaging contributed to women separating their sexuality from their spirituality. Only two of the 11 participants reported receiving positive messages about sexuality and religion when they were young.

Rutledge (1993) found that more than 25% of the women labeled the lack of discussion about intimacy issues as the least helpful aspect of the LDS milieu around sexuality.

The silence around sexuality in Mormon culture was very evident in a master’s thesis on the meaning of being single for Mormon college-age single adults (Darrington, 2003). The study examined the meanings of singlehood, gender patterns and pressures on LDS singles to date and get married. One might expect that a discussion of these topics would lead to discussing challenges with navigating sexuality and sexual desire; however, sexuality was never mentioned by any of the participants or the researcher (Darrington, 2003).

Lack of role models

Mahoney’s (2008) participants, all from western Christian religious traditions, shared that they did not receive the teaching or preparation they needed as teenagers to feel ready for sexual relationships (2008). The adults in their lives did not talk about sex, so these women sought information from friends, siblings and boyfriends. Sutton (2009) found that older family members were significant sources of negative messages about women’s roles and women’s sexuality.

Families also impact how young women view their sexuality. Ellefson-Terhune (2012) found in her literature review that families had mixed influences on young Christian women’s sexuality. On the one hand, if a family was involved with a religion, teenagers had their first sexual experiences later than peers. However, if parents in

31 particular attended church on a consistent basis, this meant that discussions regarding sex were limited. Ellis-Gowdy (2006) found that three of her five participants who were still virgins had been given “the sex talk” by their parents at a younger age and had been allowed to ask questions. The women who had had the sex talk seemed not to experience cognitive dissonance or guilt to the same degree as the other participants.

Hoga et al. (2010), speaking to Brazilian Catholic women, found that few participants had been able to talk to their families about sexuality. The researchers stated it was “embarrassing for mothers” due to “rigid moral values [that] predominated, affecting communication between parents and children” (Hoga et al., 2010, p. 707). A number of women sought information instead through friends and books. For those whose families had spoken more openly about sexuality, they learned that sex was a natural aspect of life though virginity was emphasized in many families. Other families permitted sex before marriage but this was considered a concession (Hoga et al., 2010).

The silence at church regarding sexuality means there is little information regarding what to do with one’s sexual desire (Aune, 2002). Some of Aune’s (2002) participants expressed a wish that they could talk about sexuality with other single Christian women. This was also observed in other studies where women wished they could have had some kind of mentor to help them make sense of their sexuality (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Mahoney, 2004; Sutton, 2009). Women were generally “left to their own devices to figure out what sexuality and eroticism meant for them” (Finlayson- Fife, 2002, p. 193). Mahoney (2004) emphasizes the lack of role models as contributing to the dissonance between sexuality and spirituality for her participants. Dell (2000) stated that many women do not talk about sexuality except with their female friends, worried that if they do talk about it, they will be seen as “loose, immoral or unprincipled” (p. 322). In a separate issue, she points out that not talking about sexuality lends credence to the idea that one is not fully adult until married.

In a more extreme example, Hoga et al. (2010) reported that their participants heard persistent parental messages that their daughters needed to stay “good girls” as this was the type of woman a man wanted to marry. This meant minimizing makeup and dressing discreetly “so as not to evidence female sexuality;” to do so would “lower their moral value” (Hoga et al., 2010, p. 709). Some participants had internalized the idea that a woman cannot manifest her sexuality because it is not feminine to do so.

32 “I sometimes think people want to think that as a single person (especially a single woman) you are somehow asexual, which is, of course, absolute tosh,” stated Sue, a participant in Aune’s (2002) research (p. 73). However, within most Christian religions, the theology of sexuality for the single person is basically non-existent (Rosenau & Tan, 2002). Rutledge (1993) found that the lack of official attention to adult intimacy was problematic for her participants. A “substantial” amount of single women in Aune’s study (2002) said that sexuality needs to be acknowledged and talked about more among Christians. One participant saw the Church as walking a fine line between “encouraging promiscuity and laying really heavy guilt trips on people for every mistake they make” (p. 73). Feelings of not being understood or of deep conflict were often reported. Some even stated they felt it was impossible to be forgiven by church leaders or God for their sexual activities outside of marriage.

In Mormonism, the cultural discourse is that “pre-maritally, it’s wrong to think, speak, feel, or experience sexual feelings” (Kincaid as quoted in Peterfeso, 2011, p. 76). As discussed in an earlier section, having sexual experiences outside of marriage is seen as “the sin next to murder” (Baker, 2010; The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2011; Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Hardy, 2013; Mackelprang, 1994). As a result of these strongly negative messages, many singles do not know what to do with their sexuality. They struggle with conflict, repression, guilt and the lack of opportunity to discuss the issues in any sanctioned way. Hardy (2013) states “Were I married, my sexuality would be acknowledged, and valued. It would be holy, fully sanctioned, God- given. But as it stands I must pretend it doesn’t exist. I must keep myself apart from it, rise above it. Sexuality is destructive for a woman like me” (p. 160).

Shaw (1987) found that some of her research subjects were in full agreement with church standards while others felt they had no choice but to follow them. There were also individuals who believed the Church should not be dictating their sexual activity. Shaw (1987) reported that over 50% of the study’s subjects behaved in ways at variance with the Mormon standard of chastity. Her participants reported experiencing conflicting feelings whether they were abstaining from sexual activity or participating in it. Celibate individuals felt positively about following church standards, but also felt negatively about the lack of sexual intimacy. Sexually active individuals had feelings of relaxation and happiness, but also guilt and fear of religious punishment (Shaw, 1987).

33 The single aspect

Shaw (1987) described her single Mormon adult research population as involved in a particular set of life stresses. They were "single in a married Church," alone in a society of couples, and asked to be celibate in the midst of an American culture that offers unrestricted sexual freedom (p. 131). Compounding this was the knowledge of the extreme importance of chastity within their religion and of the eternal consequences of transgression.

In addition, there is limited acknowledgement of these struggles. Rosenau and Tan (2002) affirm that “historically, single persons have been an ignored or neglected population within the evangelical church” (p. 186).

In Mormonism “opting out” of marriage is not a possibility, as marriage and family “are more than a matter of social convention or individual need fulfillment; they are fundamental to personal salvation” (Holman and Harding 1996, as cited in Beaman, 2001, p. 70). For some participants in Darrington et al.’s (2005) study, singlehood meant they felt they were lacking something. The main finding of the study was that participants defined singlehood as a temporary state and marriage was a major goal (Darrington et al., 2005). Some participants felt frustrated with their single status because of the influence of the Mormon church. Others specifically distinguished between positive feelings stemming from church doctrine versus negative feelings stemming from church culture. One said:

the L.D.S. [sic] religion has validated my feelings that everything will be all right. I know that I am an okay person even if I am not married….[However] [t]he L.D.S. culture (or people) has made me feel like I am worthless because I am not married (Darrington et al., 2005, p. 654).

Interestingly, while the authors of the article (Darrington et al., 2005) stated they were interested in learning about the social construction of singlehood among this population, they did not discuss the Mormon church’s influence on this construction. They discussed its doctrine on marriage in order to provide context only. The participants all came from one congregation and/or one university in a predominantly Mormon area and were all lifelong members of the Church. Pressure to marry was spoken about by some participants, but generally it appeared that participants

34 associated their negative feelings about being single with the fact they were not married and their desire to be so, rather than connecting them with the intensity of the focus on marriage within LDS culture. They viewed their feelings as a result of the environment and their current situation and spoke about an internalized sense of responsibility. It did not seem that any participant questioned the impacts of an external force such as the institution.

Singles seen as abnormal

Singleness is seen as non-normative, even deviant, both inside and outside religion (Aune 2008; Rosenau & Tan, 2002). Marriage as a state of being receives the majority of focus in Mormon sermons, lessons, articles and talks from leaders while the states of being single, widowed, legally separated or divorced are rarely, if ever, addressed (Rutledge, 1993). If they are spoken of, it is not in positive terms. Mormon researchers Raynes and Parsons (1994) conducted a content analysis of what LDS leaders said regarding singleness (specifically never-married people) from the years 1831 to 1982. They found that very little of the material was non-judgmental and was almost exclusively negative. Many of the official statements contained dire warnings about how unhappy one would be if not married. The authors found there were “overtones of unrighteousness or abnormality” regarding single people (Raynes & Parsons, 1994, p. 217). In fact, a consistent theme in the statements was that unmarried people are disastrous for society (Rutledge, 1993). The researchers concluded that LDS leaders “do not know how to talk positively to [single people] or really recognize [their] existence in a positive way” (p. 225).

In another content analysis of church literature, this from 1951-1979, Rytting and Rytting (1982) found that exhortations regarding chastity had increased in that time period. Messages about the importance of remaining celibate had become more explicit and stronger in their rhetoric (Rutledge, 1993).

It does not appear that any similar surveys have been conducted since. While it is hoped that the message has become less negative since the 1980s, the three recently-published personal memoirs of single Mormon women (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013; Sutton, 2012) suggests otherwise. Every woman describes feeling very abnormal and out of place as single in the Church and experiencing a great deal of pressure to get married. This is true for members of other conservative Christian churches as well. Aune

35 (2008) embedded herself in an evangelical congregation in Britain for fifteen months and observed that singleness was talked about negatively the vast majority of the time it was discussed. In her interviews, she found that singles experienced social marginalization and “feelings of insignificance” (p. 60). Similarly, Rutledge (1993) found that negative verbal comments and rejection by church leaders and married people was one of the least helpful aspects of the LDS milieu, listed by 11% of women (and 14% of men). Women reported hearing that unmarried women were "bad,” "degenerate,” "different," "irregular," "unacceptable," and "second-class citizens" (Rutledge, 1993, p. 70). Almost all participants stated they felt pressure to get married and felt at least some degree of rejection from other church members and leaders because they were not. In general, there was a high degree of conflict visible for respondents who sought to both meet their needs for intimacy and abide by church standards. Rutledge (1993) also found that those who described feeling “second class” because of their marital status were more likely to report symptoms of depression. She clarifies that this is not due to wanting to be married but rather to having a negative perception of oneself within the social system.

In an earlier book written for a layperson audience, Aune (2002) shared findings from two separate studies with 88 not-married women. She found that the question of identity within the Church community was the issue of greatest concern among her participants. In sum, Aune (2008) did not hesitate to say that not being married has a negative effect on women’s religiosity. Indeed, she stated that “this positioning of single women as abnormal . . . ultimately led to their disengagement from the Church” (p. 61).

Raynes and Parsons (1994) see an inherent conflict in the statements LDS church leaders make about their care and high regard for singles, which are given in a form that strongly suggests the leaders do not “understand enough about the issues of this particular population to provide adequate counsel” (Rutledge, 1993, p. 6). While statistics on the worldwide Mormon population are not readily available, as of 2014 single Mormons made up an estimated 30% of church membership in the United States (Pew Research Centre, 2014). How those single Mormons are treated is therefore not a small issue.

36 Issues of patriarchy, authority and agency in church culture

The second-wave feminist movement of the 1960s and 70s saw male-led institutions as the source of women’s oppression. Conservative Christian religions are generally male-led and patriarchal. These patriarchal organizations weaken women’s ability to act on their own behalf in large part because women do not usually hold positions of power or authority (Tong, 2014). They experience invisibility, whether in church history, scripture or leadership, which means that from a young age “girls fail to experience themselves” at church (Sutton, 2009, p. 9). In Mormonism in particular, men hold virtually all authority over women’s spiritual lives (Finlayson-Fife, 2002). Only males are permitted to hold the priesthood, or the power and authority by which the Church is directed (Ellsworth & Luthy, 1992). The highest levels of leadership of the LDS church are comprised of a first presidency, quorum of twelve apostles, presiding bishopric and eight quorums of the seventy. All of these positions (up to 578 in total) are held by men (Gardner, 1992). On a local leadership level, women are to confess their sins to a male bishop (local ecclesiastical leader similar to a pastor) and/or male stake president (a leader responsible for a number of congregations in a geographic district). If sins are seen as serious, women may be called before an all-male disciplinary council (Hafen, 1992).

A number of studies have been done examining the intersections between LDS women and agency, four of which seemed particularly germane to this study (Beaman, 2001; Burke, 2012; Irby, 2014; Kane, 2018).

Sociologist Lori Beaman (2001) interviewed 28 Canadian LDS women with the goal of learning if LDS women maintained their autonomy and agency within the patriarchal system of the Church and if so, how. She found that individuals tended to fall into one of three groups: feminist, moderate or so-called “Molly Mormon” (defined by her participants as a “good” Mormon woman who follows church teachings). She found that LDS women exercise agency in both how they interpret doctrine and sometimes by how they ignore it. The women dealt with inequalities through “cognitive restructuring”, defined as “reinterpreting their environment and adjusting their responses to it” (Beaman, 2001, p. 66) so as to preserve their self-esteem and maintain their religious beliefs. Some women also chose to view dictates as originating from flawed human men rather than a perfect God, which helped the women stay committed to the faith.

37 Sociologist Kelsy Burke (2012) reviewed concepts of agency within feminist research on women within gender-traditional religions. She defined this term to mean those religions that “promote strict gender relationships based on male headship and women’s submission” (p. 122). She includes Catholicism, conservative Protestantism, Orthodox Judaism, Mormonism and some sects of Islam (p. 122) in this definition. In these religions, there is an emphasis on “ontological differences” (p. 122) between men and women which leads to the belief of different and complementary roles for each gender that “tend to privilege the status of men” (p. 122). Burke (2012) discussed the challenges scholars have faced in defining and understanding the agency of women and criticized the “false dichotomy” (p. 123) of women in these religions as either “empowered or victimized, liberated or subordinated” (p. 123). She argues that much more nuance is required. One way of incorporating this nuance is through utilizing the four approaches to viewing agency Burke (2012) reviews: resistance, empowerment, instrumental and compliant. The resistance agency approach focuses on women who actively attempt to challenge or change some part of the religion (beliefs or practices). The empowerment approach looks at how women “reinterpret religious doctrine or practices in ways that make them feel empowered in their everyday life” (pp. 123-124). The instrumental approach emphasizes the non-religious outcomes of religious practice (i.e., the veil worn by Muslim women is a distinct cultural and religious marker that can aid in the development of friendships). And finally, the compliant approach recognizes agency in women who participate in gender-traditional religions for other reasons, such as becoming an authentic religious being.

Sociologist Courtney Irby (2014) reviewed studies of married men and women within conservative religions to better understand how gender and intimate relationships intersect in daily life. She spoke to the question of why women invest, in greater numbers than men, in institutions that “systematically devalue them” (Ozorak as cited in Beaman, 2001, p. 66). Irby (2014) stated that scholars have found women to feel empowered by their religions even if they did face subordination. A number of ethnographic studies found that women were able to “subvert, resist and even use gender ideologies to their own advantage” (p. 1269). Irby (2014) found the focus on agency that has been a major part of these analyses problematic and called for greater nuance, specifically to include considerations of the “gender regime” of an institution or society. She describes gender as a series of relationships that “position men and women

38 in socially significant and often unequal ways” (p. 1269) and the regime as governing how people are connected and divided.

Sociologist Nazneen Kane (2018) interviewed 18 LDS women who had attended the temple to explore intersections between the temple rituals, religious identity and institutional patriarchy. A member of the LDS church who desires to attend the temple must participate in two interviews with local leaders, a bishop and a stake president, to determine worthiness (Tucker, 1992). These worthiness requirements include:

being honest, keeping the commandments, such as chastity-sexual continence before marriage and fidelity within marriage-obeying the laws of tithing and the Word of Wisdom, fulfilling family responsibilities and avoiding affiliation with dissident groups [sic]. (p. 1446)

A worthy individual then participates in ordinances, or rituals, such as baptisms for the dead, washings and anointings, endowments, and marriages or sealings for eternity (Rozsa, 1992).

Kane (2018) found that women used rituals to “challenge Mormon patriarchy and reimagine themselves as ‘priestesses unto the Most High God’” (p. 97), or in other words, women who hold and utilize the priesthood. Rather than resisting, the women created oppositional identities through observing ritual. However, Kane (2018) found that the LDS church “appropriates, manages, and suppresses women’ s priestess beliefs and identities in ways that maintain the patriarchal organization of the Church” and specifically points to the “pervasive culture of shaming, silencing, and disciplining LDS women” as a mechanism for doing so (p. 97).

Researchers have found the patriarchy of conservative Christian religions can lead to feelings of disempowerment and lack of legitimacy among women, particularly on the topic of sexuality (Daniluk & Browne, 2008; Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Sharma, 2008). There is no legitimizing discourse in which to make sense of erotic experience (Finlayson-Fife, 2002) and it is transgressive to speak of such things (Peterfeso, 2011). Fundamentally, female sexual desire is not seen as valid (Daniluk, 1998; Finlayson-Fife, 2002). Women are seen as sex objects rather than sexual actors in their own right, which means that they cannot experience sexual empowerment (McCormick, 1994). This de-legitimizing of women’s sexuality is an extreme form of oppression because it

39 prevents a woman from having a relationship with her body, limits the potential of her pleasure and suppresses her ability to know herself and be autonomous as a result (Daniluk & Browne, 2008; Finlayson-Fife, 2016).

The absence of women’s authority, agency and voices operates in tandem with the absence of discussion and therefore legitimization of women’s sexuality. Sutton (2009) found there was a lack of direct messages and a lack of space for dialogue in her participants’ churches regarding sexuality. She suggests this taught women that they had no voice and that the patriarchy “was clearly the only ‘legitimate’ access for being seen, heard and appreciated” (p. 76).

Sutton (2009) discusses the disempowerment her participants felt because of the patriarchal teachings of the Church and its implicit double standards for men and women regarding sexuality (i.e., that sexual sin is more serious for women than for men). The women responded in various ways which Sutton saw as examples of a “fracturing of self” (p. 82). One participant responded by “disconnecting” her physical body from her feelings. Another “escap[ed] into [her] mind,” seeing it as the one thing she could control (p. 83). Others took control by using sexuality to get what they wanted. Overall, Sutton observed that the more connected her participants felt to their internal authority, the more they resisted “traditionalism.” Unfortunately she did not explain what she meant by these terms. This was a vagueness that occurred throughout her dissertation, making it difficult to understand her results.

Sharma (2008) found that her participants walked “a fine line between oppression and empowerment” (p. 356) as a result of being involved with their church communities. On the positive side, for some, their friendships within their churches gave them support and empowerment regarding the sexual limits as determined by the Church. They appreciated the accountability they felt towards their church peers. However, Sharma (2008) saw the accountability as potentially creating a limited, non- active sexuality that can be oppressive and increase feelings of guilt. Two women’s accounts of how they monitored their bodies, prevented themselves from acting on sexual desire and stayed silent about sexual expression highlighted the way they became “complicit in their own oppression, supported by their church communities to repress their sexual subjectivity” (p. 352) without even being aware of the conditions of oppression. In fact, some participants saw their sexual selves as belonging to the

40 community rather to them personally, and the decision to have sex not a personal but a community-based choice.

The particularities of the LDS faith were described by Finlayson-Fife (2002; 2016). She stated that because women are not seen as authoritative, this may have created a Mormon construct of female sexuality where men’s needs and desires are prioritized above women’s. This reduces women’s sexual empowerment and abilities to make their own choices (Finlayson-Fife, 2002). She found that women had fundamental difficulties in being aware of their feelings, due to conflicting expectations: the societal ones of accommodating men’s needs and the religious ones of remaining chaste (2002). It was often difficult for women to “speak for their desires” in their physical relationships with men (p. 109). Further, the women who demonstrated less sexual agency were more prone to defer their thoughts and experiences to the “truths dictated by authoritative others, even when their lived experience clearly contradicted those dictates” (2002, p. 223). For example, one participant said she masturbated before marriage and experienced a relatively easy transition into marital sexuality. When asked if she believed masturbation could help women understand themselves as sexual beings, she acknowledged that her experience seemed to suggest so, but then said she has been told God does not approve of masturbation, so she will not question further. Those participants who had more agency paid attention to their own feelings and made choices accordingly.

Finlayson-Fife found that those who had more agency were guided less by reliance on leaders or LDS popular beliefs and more by a personal relationship with God (2002). This relationship helped them feel more trust in themselves, which meant they paid attention to their own feelings and made choices accordingly. Fundamentally, however, women had difficulties being aware of their feelings. This was due to conflicting expectations between society (to accommodate men’s desires) and religion (to remain chaste).

Finlayson-Fife (2002) mentioned that analyzing her data was challenging because women had experienced sexual desire within a context that basically does not acknowledge or allow it outside of marriage. She stated that it was difficult to separate the joint influences of sexism and Puritanism. In spite of most Mormon women in her study experiencing conflict and threats to their agency, she did find that some of her

41 participants experienced the law of chastity “in its purest theological form” (seemingly meaning gender-neutral) as supporting their agency and enhancing their quality of life (2016, p. 254). That was because when married, they could expect commitment and fidelity from their spouses (2016). However, since Finlayson-Fife did not include any single women in her study, it is unknown how they view the strict requirement of abstinence.

Leaving the church

Leaving the church in order to find empowerment or embody one’s sexuality was a common theme in Sutton’s (2009) and Sharma’s (2008) studies. In Sutton’s in particular, eight of the 11 participants left their churches (2009). Others made deliberate choices about what they would or would not “participate in” and took responsibility for that. Six of those who left found, “through their own efforts, spiritually empowering ways of connecting self and a higher power” (Sutton, 2009, p. 86). These were within nature- based spiritual practices, which were important because they involved the women’s inner authority and were therefore self-empowering.

Leaving the Church did not come up in Finlayson-Fife’s (2002) research, which was probably due to her inclusion criteria. She required that participants were practising Mormons and “ever-married” (i.e., currently or formerly married). Interviewing women who were single (therefore experiencing great pressure to stay celibate) and/or left the Church would most certainly have provided a wider variety of data.

In fact, both of the single Mormon memoir authors spent a great deal of time discussing their challenges of trying to remain active in the faith while coming to terms with their sexuality. Baker (2010) described her experience as trying to ride two horses at once, one foot on each, as the horses got further apart with the passage of time. By the end of the book she was making choices to express herself sexually rather than maintain the Church standards and implying that she might leave. Hardy (2013) clearly stated that, after years of conflict, she was leaving the Church and becoming sexually active. Interestingly, both women seemed to find being sexually active and unmarried irreconcilable with staying Mormon. There is not enough research to know whether it is typical for Christian women who choose sexual activity to do so at the expense of church attendance and, for those who do, what impact that has on their faith. Another question is whether the separation from church is permanent. If women decide to return later in

42 life, what are their motivations for doing so, and how many of those who leave make that decision? From the very limited amount of existing research, it appears possible that the lack of church dialogue and support in integrating sexuality with spirituality can presumably lead to a total loss of spirituality for some.

The experiences of conservative Christian women’s sexuality were not completely lacking in agency or power. Sharma (2008) found that for some women, the rules around the expression of sexuality fostered a sense of community and empowerment. Similarly, the dictates against premarital sex helped some women define their sexual identities in both Sharma’s (2008) and Finlayson-Fife’s (2002) studies. They found “relief” in a source of strength that was not their own which empowered them to say no. Some of Hoga et al.’s (2010) participants considered premarital abstinence very valuable and wanted the same for their children. In Rutledge’s (1993) study, both men and women reported that the basic teachings of the Church (i.e., guidelines about no premarital sex) were the most helpful aspect of the LDS church milieu regarding sexuality. In Shaw’s (1987) study, 80% of the subjects indicated that moral and religious teachings were the main reason they exercised sexual restraint. One woman in Sharma’s (2008) study declared that rather than feeling oppressed, she felt freed. Indeed, Murray, Ciarrocchi and Murray-Swank (2007) stated that adherence to a faith may assist religiously-oriented individuals to maintain an “internal locus of control” in regards to sexual experiences (p. 230).

Emotional and physical challenges

Fear and anxiety

Fear of the power of sexual desire and its uncontrollable nature has often dominated the Christian narrative (Foucault, 1981; Mahoney, 2008; Nelson, 1978; Sutton, 2009). Finlayson-Fife argues this is manifest within Mormonism through the “communal silence” on sexuality (2002, p. 214). As Raynes (as cited in Swedin, 1998) put it, "We have experienced collectively in the [Mormon] Church a winter season of buried feelings, ideas, actions. Discussing sexuality openly has been difficult" (p. 8). Foucault (1981) saw this “instruction to disappear, to be silent, to declare that [sexual desire does not] exist and to imply that there was nothing to say, to see or to know” as a hallmark of repression (p. 4). He saw repression as the key link among sexuality,

43 knowledge and power. From that lens, if people are not able to discuss sexuality openly, they are not able to access knowledge nor therefore power.

Finlayson-Fife (2002) wrote candidly about her motivation for her research, declaring that as an unmarried woman she had seen sexual desire primarily as “dangerous”. She goes on to say that “I felt both proud and ashamed of erotic desire— aware and afraid of its power” (p. 2). Hardy (2013), the single Mormon woman, wrote that her motivation for finally deciding to become sexually active was that she was tired of keeping herself “numb, alone, and half-dead from fear” (p. 259). Similarly, a “significant minority” of the participants in Finlayson-Fife’s study (2016) reported feeling uncomfortable and uneasy about the first time they experienced sexual desire. It led to feelings of self-doubt and fear (i.e., asking themselves whether they should be having those feelings). One woman saw her pleasure as fundamentally “bad” and “dirty”, saying she thought “[it] feels good. I shouldn’t do it” (p. 105). For these women, “sexuality was so non-legitimate that it threatened their sense of well-being” (p. 106).

Interestingly, this fear of personal sexuality and sexual desire was unique to the Mormon women. It appears that none of the women reared in other Christian faiths shared the alarm expressed by LDS women regarding sexuality. Participants from Sharma’s (2008) and Sutton’s (2009) studies talked about feeling fear of being judged for their choices; many of Mahoney’s (2004) participants talked about a general fear of being sent to hell for having sex outside of marriage; and one of Ellis-Gowdy’s (2006) participants confided she felt somewhat afraid of physical contact with the opposite sex. However, This supports the earlier point that injunctions regarding sex may be particularly intense and consequence-laden in the Mormon faith.

Guilt and shame

Closely related to this fear was a strong sense of guilt and/or shame. Guilt is defined by researcher Brene Brown (2004) as “a feeling that results from behaving in a bad or flawed way” whereas shame is defined as “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging” (p. 45). Brown (2004) has described shame as a psycho-social-cultural construct. She found that women feel shame within the context of interpersonal relationships and connection. In her study, she found that women most often experienced shame

44 as a web of layered, conflicting and competing expectations that are, at the core, products of rigid socio-cultural expectations….[…These] are narrow interpretations of who women are “supposed to be,” based on their identity (e.g. gender, race, class, sexual orientation, age, religious identity) and/or their role (e.g., mother, employee, partner, group member). These socio-cultural expectations are often imposed, enforced or expressed by individuals and groups…and are constantly reinforced by media culture including television, advertising, marketing, film, music and print. (p. 46)

Brown (2004) goes on to say that these expectations reach into all aspects of a woman’s life, are constantly emphasized and are found in many kinds of experiences and interpersonal interactions. Appearance and body image, sexuality and religion are some of the areas Brown (2004) found that women struggle the most with feelings of shame. A woman’s real or perceived failures to meet socio-cultural expectations in these areas can lead to a feeling of shame, which may jeopardize her sense of belonging in her groups and community.

Conservative Christian religions have very strong expectations of how women must behave in the sexual realm. The fundamental message is that femininity and sexuality are incompatible (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Mahoney, 2008). These are negative constructions of women’s sexuality rooted in patriarchal values and can have tremendous power (Daniluk & Browne, 2008). Indeed, Daniluk (1993) found that religious attitudes and beliefs were extremely influential on participants’ experience of their sexuality. Women reported that negative statements from their religions created feelings of shame and “dirtiness” about their bodies and their bodies’ processes. Participants also pointed to the longstanding societal depictions of women as either virgins or whores as preventing them from experiencing their sexuality in healthy ways (Daniluk, 1998; Mahoney, 2004; Sutton, 2009). Interestingly, spirituality, specifically a female-centred version of it, was seen by the participants as “an important road to healing, with the celebration rather than denigration of the feminine serving as an antidote to shame” (Daniluk, 1993, p. 67).

Nelson (1978) believed that some sexual desires were an appropriate reason for guilt (though he did not elaborate on what those would be). However, he states there is reason for concern when an individual feels guilt and shame “simply because of any kind

45 of sexual desire” (p. 81). He sees this as rejection of the body-self and alienation from one’s body, which leads to alienation from God.

Murray, Ciarrocchi & Murray-Swank (2007) found that there is a relationship between religiosity and sex guilt and that men and women who attended church often had more sex guilt. They performed a quantitative study with 176 students on levels of religiosity/spirituality, shame and guilt on sexual attitudes and experiences. They found there was a difference between participants who felt guilt simply for being sexual beings and those who felt guilty about doing specific sexual activities. There were also some outliers who did not feel the guilt they expected to feel while engaging in sexual activities (2007). Interestingly, the researchers did not find any relationship between particular religious denominations and the degree of shame and guilt. They cited a number of other studies that found links between sex guilt, sexual activity and attitudes and religiosity: however, many of them were from more than two decades ago.

Mahoney (2004) found turmoil and contradictions in her participants, even though as mentioned earlier, her study had a unique inclusion criterion that women had to have experienced conflict between their sexuality and spirituality and resolved it. The participants self-reported as having achieved resolution, but all of the women evinced continued confusion and incongruities between their sexuality and spirituality. Mahoney (2004) suggested this indicates just how pervasive and often unconscious the conflict between these two issues remains. She also found that all of her participants had experienced guilt due to their religious backgrounds, which in part led to feelings of anxiety and “scrupulosity.” Other feelings included shame, low self-esteem and lack of worthiness. Mahoney (2004) also found that her participants had experienced “intense cognitive and emotional turmoil” in their attempts to maintain their “sanity” or “health” while faced with the dichotomy of Christian values and their personal and relationship needs (p. 140). One participant said, “Maybe I’m not a really good person, you know because I like to be touched” (p. 141). This participant must have received strong messages regarding the fundamental illegitimacy of women’s sexual desire to believe that she was evil because she sought touch. In a similar vein, Finlayson-Fife (2002) found that some women saw masturbation as more sinful than premarital sexual activity with a partner. She theorized this is due to a view of feminine sexual desire as fundamentally non-legitimate.

46 Guilt and shame were prevalent in other studies as well. In Ellis-Gowdy’s (2006) research, 70% of her participants had experienced guilt regarding their sexuality. Finlayson-Fife (2002) found that many women in her study also felt guilt. She suggested that while this guilt had the potential to guide women to make different choices, it usually put women in direct conflict with their desire and intensified their sense of shame. This decreased not only their trust in themselves, but their sense of value “in the community and in God’s eyes” (p. 135). Participants in Rutledge’s (1993) and Shaw’s (1987) study also emphasized guilt as the main negative feeling they experienced with regards to their sexuality.

Disembodiment

Disembodiment was another common theme in the literature. Speaking candidly about desire and locating it in their bodies was more than many women could manage. Logan (2004) found that her participants struggled to speak about the physical aspect of their sexual desire during the research interviews. These were not Christian women but still they chose not to or were not able to discuss their bodies’ involvement in desire. Logan (2004) questioned if this might have been because they did not have the language to discuss it, particularly if they were unfamiliar with positive ways to discuss female sexuality. As an example, she included earlier work by Fine (1988) who had also interviewed adolescent girls about their sexual desire. One participant said “I wanted to spend the night with him” (p. 33) as indication of her sexual desire, but made no reference to what she felt in her body. Finlayson-Fife (2002) and Sharma (2002) found that for Christian women, a disembodied sexuality, where they did not speak of desire or passively “allowed” things to happen, meant they saw themselves as less “bad.”

Hardy (2013) spoke of trying to “disconnect from her body—shove desire down and lock it in like a clown in a tin box (p. 154).” Similarly, some of Finlayson-Fife’s (2002) participants dealt with their sexuality by not allowing themselves to have erotic thoughts or feelings. One said, “I would kind of check [my physical response]. . . . I wouldn’t dwell on it, or I would kind of repress it, I guess. . . . I didn’t want those feelings to get out of hand” (p. 101). In her memoir, Baker (2010) recalls getting physically close with a partner, but as soon as either of them got aroused, she felt she had to stop it. It seemed for many women, the “moment of transgression” was located not in the sexual act itself but the desire for the act (Foucault, 1981).

47 For many of the women in Ellis-Gowdy’s study (2006), putting their values “out of [their] head” (p. 77), shifting their values or practising denial were the strategies they used to cope. One participant, Liza, stated, “When I’m doing something wrong with a guy, if I feel I’m going to[o] far, I ask God to ignore me for a while” (p. 77). One of Sutton’s (2009) participants stated,

I chose to deal with this religion’s reality by becoming completely separate from my own physical body and my emotions. . . . My religion’s belief system instilled a lot of shame in me – taught me that I should feel shame when I was disconnected from God (p. 71).

This disconnection from one’s body also led at times to a disconnection from the self, one’s church community and ultimately, God. In fact, Murray, Ciarrocchi and Murray-Swank (2007) found that the more disconnected participants felt from God, the more shame and guilt they felt. Finlayson-Fife (2002) points out the unfortunate consequences of this disembodiment: when women most needed “access to God” to figure out their confusion, it felt the most impossible because of their feelings of shame (p. 131).

While shame and guilt influenced the behaviour participants chose to engage in, it did not always prevent them from engaging in sexual activity. In Rutledge’s (1993) study of single Mormon adults there was a significant discrepancy between what participants reported were acceptable behaviours and their actual behaviours. It appeared that approximately one-quarter of the sample were having sexual intercourse contrary to their own beliefs about the inappropriateness of this behaviour. In contrast, Shaw (1987) learned the majority of single adult Mormons in her study acted in accordance with their sexual values. A very similar number (26%) acknowledged having sexual intercourse outside of marriage but did not view this as incongruent with their values. It was those who engaged in light or heavy petting (i.e., fondling over and under the clothes) that reported the biggest discrepancies between their behaviour and values, which Shaw (1987) saw as an indication these individuals were less able to integrate the opposing values of church and society. Participants’ strategies for coping with shame and guilt included problem solving (i.e., taking action to deal with a situation), information seeking (i.e., asking for guidance from members of one’s social network) and “emotion

48 discharge” (defined as expressing unpleasant emotions verbally or through behaviours and indirect efforts to reduce tension).

Interestingly, while fear of religious punishment and guilt were the most common feelings reported as a result of engaging in sexual activity, happiness was the next most common feeling reported (Shaw, 1987). Indeed, a connection between one’s sexuality and spirituality has many benefits. Johnson’s (2001) research found a simple, positive linear relationship between a woman’s sexual self-esteem and her spirituality. She stated that “to an extent, how one feels regarding her sexual thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, is related to her awareness of herself as a spiritual being” (Johnson, 2001, p. 80). While unfortunately she did not elaborate further, it seems that the better a woman feels about her sexuality, the stronger her sense of spirituality.

Mormon women and same-sex attraction

Jacobsen (2017) observed that the scholarly literature on the topic of same-sex sexuality and Mormonism has “over-sampled men and has sometimes ignored women’s voices altogether” (p. 1317). Yet Mormon women experiencing same-sex attraction face unique and multiple challenges due not only to the LDS church’s exclusive focus on heterosexual marriage but also the patriarchal dictates of the Church regarding gender roles and ideals of “femininity.” The roles of wife and mother are held up as the pinnacle of women’s achievement (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995; Kane, 2018). As Anderton (2010) states, the Church is “adamantly opposed to its members living a gay, lesbian, or bisexual lifestyle” (p. 4). As long as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) individuals remain celibate, they may participate in all church meetings and rituals. However, members who engage in sexual activities with same-sex partners face possible excommunication from the Church (Anderton, 2010). Those Mormon individuals who are married to their same-sex partners are, as a result of a new 2015 policy, officially “apostate” and subject to a church disciplinary council (Jacobsen, 2017). In this environment, most LGB members feel torn between their religious identity and their sexual orientation. They face the impasse of either choosing their religious faith and potentially losing all opportunity for “intimacy, romance, emotional security and sexual expression” or choosing their sexual orientation and potentially losing their “family, friends, religious community and religious identity” (Anderton, 2010, p. 4).

49 I located two studies examining the experiences of Mormon women with same- sex attraction (SSA). In the Mormon church there is an emphasis on this term as opposed to identifying members as gay, lesbian or bisexual and so I will use this term throughout (Anderton, 2010).

Results of Anderton’s (2010) study indicated that women struggled with the LDS religion and religious culture, figuring out and identifying themselves as non- heterosexual and coming out to others in their lives. All 10 participants reported struggling with self-acceptance as a lesbian, gay or bisexual woman. Five spoke about the relationship they had with their higher power being impacted by their experience of SSA. Ninety percent of participants described having a struggle directly associated with the Mormon church (Anderton, 2010). The majority experienced feelings of not fitting in and/or feeling unaccepted and/or feeling undervalued as well as feelings of anger or hostility toward the Church. Two individuals stated they did not have any negative feelings towards the Church in spite of their struggles.

All participants reported having extreme fear regarding how others would react when they found out about their same-sex attraction or orientation. Five participants stated that their relationships with family members had changed permanently after coming out. Many family members were very concerned that, according to LDS beliefs, the individual would not be able to be with them in the after-life if they acted on their same-sex attraction (Anderton, 2010).

Jeanna Jacobsen and Rachel Wright (2014) assert that the culture of the Mormon church has often caused same-sex attracted people to feel that they cannot value their sexuality within the religion. While same-sex sexuality is generally not discussed in official Mormon arenas, participants implicitly understood their attraction as evil and taboo. The authors state that Mormon women with same-sex sexuality “experience microaggressions from a religious community that bombards them with negative messages about same-sex sexuality and heavily endorses heteronormative behaviours” (pp. 689-690) while pathologizing deviance from heteronormativity (Sumerau & Cragun, 2014). Most women reported a negative impact on their self- esteem. Participants also reported “deep struggles and feelings of isolation, worthlessness and loss because of the conflict between their religious beliefs and their sexuality” (Jacobsen & Wright, 2014, p. 689).

50 Some women did not report any mental health concerns, but a larger portion indicated that they had diagnoses of depression and/or used antidepressant medications. Anxiety co-occurred for several women. The conflict between sexual identity and religion was not the sole factor, but some participants stated that this particular conflict worsened their symptoms. This depression and anxiety severely affected performance at work and school. Women’s interpretation of their same-sex feelings led to decreased mental health and self-loathing. They believed that “there was no answer and any option they chose would result in additional pain, rejection, and isolation [which] caused feelings of hopelessness” (Jacobsen & Wright, 2014, p. 677).

There are strong connections between mental health and self-worth. Jacobsen and Wright (2014) found that as same-sex sexuality was at odds to women’s belief systems, it damaged feelings of self-worth and caused guilt and shame. When attempts to “get over” the attraction failed, it led to perceptions of self as inherently defective. Some women experienced suicidal ideation ranging from low risk (vague thoughts) to serious attempts. Some women also engaged in self-harm in attempts to punish or control their sexuality. Most women sought professional help from therapists.

Jacobsen and Wright (2014) stated that one theme “reverberated” throughout their interviews (p. 688). That was that women felt like “second-class citizens” because of their same-sex attraction and also because they are women and unable to hold the priesthood. Lacking the desire or ability to conform to the expectation of being a mother in a heterosexual family exacerbated the challenges (Jacobsen, 2017). As one woman said, “I don’t think the Mormon culture realizes how much they cut people up. I don’t think they have a clue about [it] because they’re in their little microcosm and they don’t feel the, the exclusion and the isolation” (p. 688).

Jacobsen and Wright (2014) stated that several women reported they healed from their depression after they stopped attending church and hearing messages that they were evil because of their sexual attraction. In fact, research has found that a small minority of same-sex attracted people stay within homophobic communities (Jacobsen, 2017).

51 Conclusion

Three themes emerged from the review of the existing literature on conservative Christian women’s experiences of their sexuality and spirituality: (a) issues of power, including questions of agency and authority; (b) emotional and physical challenges including conflict, shame and guilt, and disembodiment; and (c) the influence of church culture, including lack of discussion or role models for healthy sexuality and the stigma regarding singleness. There was strong consensus across studies for these subthemes. Related themes in the literature specific to LDS women experiencing same-sex attraction were impacts on mental health and severe emotional challenges.

For some women, the religiously-imposed limits on sexuality provided a sense of freedom and a lessening of pressure to be sexually active (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Sharma, 2008). For others, reconciliation between sexuality and spirituality came from leaving the Church behind (Hardy, 2013; Sutton, 2009).

Some surprising findings were that some women welcomed the limits on their sexual expression (Finlayson-Fife, 2002); that women who had had the “sex talk” from their parents felt less shame and guilt (Ellis-Gowdy, 2006); and that many women knew the limits but were sexually active anyway (Ellis-Gowdy, 2006; Hardy, 2013; Shaw, 1987; Sutton, 2009). Many women were better able to understand their earlier sexual selves only with the benefit of looking back across the years. This suggests that integrating spirituality and sexuality can be a lifelong process.

A major limitation in the research was the dominant population in all studies, who were White, American, middle-class, heterosexual women. Further, many of the studies focused on married or partnered women. There was a glaring lack of diversity in terms of race, geographic location, class, sexual orientation and relationship status. Going forward, it will be important for research to look at much more heterogeneous populations, and especially single women, who arguably face greater challenges and stigma regarding their sexuality. From a counselling perspective, this approach will enable development of more supportive therapeutic strategies, not just for Christians but for women everywhere struggling to integrate their sexuality and live more holistic lives.

52 Rationale for the Present Study

What is known about women’s sexual feelings, behaviours and expressions is limited (Kleinplatz, 2002; Lara, 2017). The heterosexual- and cis-male sexuality-centred paradigms of western society have limited research efforts on how women themselves view and experience their sexuality (Kleinplatz, 2002; Lara, 2017). Current male- dominated perspectives “eclipse” women’s sexual experience; most of what is known is from the outside looking in, rather than from women themselves (Kleinplatz, 2002).

Research on the experiences of Christian women and sexuality is even more limited. Within this population, single Christian women may face significant difficulties as they struggle to find legitimacy for their sexual desire within a context that dictates its total inappropriateness outside of marriage. Mormon women in particular face the risk of disfellowship (temporary suspension of membership) or excommunication if they act on sexual desire. Given these serious constraints, it is important to learn more about how women are impacted by the challenges and how they are responding to them. The purpose of this study was threefold: a) to find out how single LDS women narrate their experience of sexuality within the Church; b) to find out how they navigate the expectation of celibacy (or chastity) before marriage; and c) to find out what implications this has on their mental health and well-being. This can inform and enrich the support that church leaders, counsellors and others provide to this population.

53 Method

An Interpretive Method of Inquiry

I sought to understand the lived experience of single Mormon women navigating their sexuality. I chose a qualitative approach because of the opportunity for rich detail it can provide. This approach can give a better sense of experiences than quantifiable data. It also provides the opportunity to understand the meanings people assign to their experiences and actions while considering the sociocultural context in which they live (Morrow, 2007).

I utilized a narrative research methodology in order to offer space for individuals to tell their stories. As Lieblich et al. write, “We know or discover ourselves, and reveal ourselves to others, by the stories we tell” (1998, p. 7). Stories are how we construct meaning and identity (Riessman, 1993). I wanted to explore how single Mormon women created meaning and identity out of the experience of expected chastity in a world awash in sexual expressiveness.

Research Question

Narrative Approach

As we live our lives, we are constantly interacting with our world, others and ourselves. This can be overwhelming at times. One way we order this complexity of experience is by organizing it into stories (Moen, 2006). Stories have existed since the beginning of time; in fact, in Barthes’ (1966) view, “there does not exist, and never has existed a people without [them] (as quoted in Arvay, 2002, p. 207). Stories are, in fact, how individuals construct a “reality of meaning” (Goncalves as cited in Arvay, 2001). The

54 narrative approach examines the stories individuals tell and how these contribute to the formation of their identities and selves (Riessman, 1993).

The narrative approach exists within a social constructionist paradigm, which posits that humans do not exist independently from the historical, cultural and social contexts they inhabit and the dialogic interactions they have with each other (Morrow, 2007). What an individual “knows” is therefore shaped by these contexts. That means there is no one objective reality; there exist many personal constructions of realities (Ponterotto, 2005). These are constructed via the meanings and purposes humans give to behaviour (Hamilton, 1994), which meanings vary depending on who is speaking to whom and the power relations either implicit or explicitly present within the interactions (Arvay, 2003) This also impacts how a person views one’s self.

This construction and reconstruction of realities is continually occurring. This does not necessarily lead to coherent stories with one single plot; rather, we narrate in order to make sense of experiences (Hyvärinen, 2008). As Polkinghorne (1988) states,

We are in the middle of our stories and cannot be sure how they will end; we are constantly having to revise the plot as new events are added to our lives. Self, then, is not a static thing nor a substance, but a configuring of personal events into a historical unity which includes not only what one has been but also anticipations of what one will be. (p. 150)

This means that “self” is a process. Identity is derived from, as Nelson (2001) declares,

complex narrative constructions consisting of a fluid interaction of the many stories and fragments of stories surrounding the things that seem most important, from one’s own point of view and the point of view of others, about a person over time (p. 20).

The narrative approach therefore enables exploration of the subjective meaning individuals make of their experiences through the stories they tell (Hyvärinen, 2008). In other words, it enables the researcher to learn about participants’ worldviews. The method allows participants to describe their experiences in rich detail. It also allows for collaboration. In this type of research, participants are seen as “co-investigators” (Arvay, 2003). Knowledge and truth in the way of research findings are not “discovered;” they

55 are co-created by the researcher and the participants as they participate in dialogue and analysis together (Arvay, 2003; Guba & Lincoln, 2005; Ponterotto, 2005). This promotes the empowerment of participants, who as the research process unfolds are invited to share their stories, provide their own analysis in dialogue with the researcher and become co-editors, with the final say on the form and content of their narratives (Arvay, 2003).

Feminist Perspective

It has been noted that human behaviour is influenced by social context. This social context in turn is shaped by power relations, specifically around gender, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, social class and religion (Morrow, 2007). While individual experiences uniquely shape one’s identity, those experiences are always within the context of gendered, raced, classed and other socially constructed beliefs and expectations about social relations and identities (Marshall & Rossman, 2011). These discourses around power are so much a part of life that they are not generally given any thought. They are thereby both reflected and sustained through the ways most people in society think, talk and behave (Hare-Mustin, 1994). This research study is guided by critical feminist theory, whose goal is to surface and analyze power relations (Naples, 2013; Olesen, 2000). Ultimately the aim is to challenge sexism and other inequalities in institutions and women’s diverse situations through research processes (Creswell, 2007; Marshall & Rossman, 2011; Naples, 2013; Olesen, 2000).

The particular feminist lens this study uses is that of third-wave feminism, which seeks to “understand the ways in which gender oppression and other kinds of human oppression co-create and co-maintain each other” (Tong, 2014, p. 243). Third-wave feminists seek to make evident and eliminate marginalization not just due to gender but also race, class, physical ability, nationality and sexual identity and issues such as colonialism, and economic injustice. Given that this study examines the experiences of women within a patriarchal religion, it will focus on marginalization due to gender. These were concerns first developed with second-wave feminism, which sees male-led institutions (or patriarchies) as the “root of women’s oppression” (Finlayson-Fife, 2016, p. 248). Those in power—in this case, males—exercise control over the identities of less powerful ones in the group (Nelson, 2001). This control looks like expectations about how group members behave, what they can know and to whom they must answer if they

56 violate these expectations (Nelson, 2001). A prominent example is that of gender roles, which in second-wave feminism’s view are the main tool of oppression within patriarchy. These gender roles are also manifest through dominant scripts regarding sexuality. According to patriarchal convention, when it comes to sexuality, women are naturally less sexual than men; to feel sexual desire is to be unfeminine; and women are to be objects of desire and not subjects in their own right (Daniluk, 1998; Isherwood, 2012; Tong, 2014). If women do act on their sexual desires, they can be seen as sluts or whores (Bellamy et al., 2011; Daniluk, 1998; Sakaluk et al., 2014). Fundamentally, women’s sexual desire is often not seen as legitimate.

Bellamy, Gott, Hinchliff & Nicolson (2011) as well as Sakaluk, Todd, Milhausen, Lachowsky & URGiS (2014) investigated how closely men and women adhere to these traditional social scripts today. Bellamy et al. (2011) commented that in theological writings on sex, men had a sexually active position while women were paradoxically positioned as either passive (i.e., an asexual virgin-type figure) or dominant and therefore a “whore or a bitch” (Bellamy et al., 2011, p. 85). For their participants (23 women aged 23–72 years), the idea of the “good” woman was still in force, although it was exemplified in a different way. Women spoke of the pressure to meet socially constructed standards, disseminated and enforced by media, regarding aspects of their physical bodies and beauty in general. Kilbourne observed how women’s bodies are often “dismembered into legs, breasts or thighs,” suggesting that women are seen as objects rather than whole human beings (as cited in Bellamy et al., 2011, p. 93). This makes it much more difficult for women to have an authentic sense of themselves and their sexuality. The authors concluded that for their participants, sexuality is best understood as experiences that arise as a woman makes embodied efforts to meet socially constructed standards defining the ‘‘good’’ woman. They also found that some equated sexuality principally with heterosexual intercourse, the so-called “gold standard” of sexuality (Bellamy et al., 2011, p. 92). The authors commented that this patriarchal “knowledge” created by primarily male theorists continues to impact current understandings of female sexuality.

Sakaluk et al. (2014) conducted three studies to examine current dominant sexual scripts of heterosexual adults. Some findings were discussed earlier in this thesis. They spoke to three focus groups of men (n = 19) and four focus groups of women (n = 20) who were undergraduate students. They used those findings to develop

57 a Sexual Script Scale measuring script endorsement. Finally, they presented the model to a separate sample of 289 participants and found evidence of reliability. The authors state that while there is growing evidence of more egalitarian scripts, established heterosexual scripts for men and women are largely “oppositional yet complementary” (Sakaluk et al, 2014, p. 517). The scripts dictate that men are to initiate sex while women are to be gatekeepers. Women are also to service or pleasure men, according to the traditional scripts. Women are to limit their sexual desire and not talk about sexual pleasure. In their first study, Sakaluk et al. (2014) found that some participants believe women must limit their sexual behaviour so as to avoid social sanctions. However, there was wide agreement that once in a committed relationship, women are free to express themselves sexually. The authors found that most participants believe that women experience sexual desire less often than men. There was unanimous support for the script that women are gatekeepers, or the ones setting limits on sexual behaviour. There was also strong support for the script that single women who appear sexual are judged negatively.

In general, participants demonstrated strong agreement regarding what is acceptable behaviour among men and women, many themes being consistent with traditional sexual scripts. However, as mentioned earlier, one modernization that researchers observed was that women are now expected to be sexually skilled and knowledgeable.

The above-described patriarchal dictates mean that most women find it difficult to feel comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality (Daniluk, 1998; McCormick, 1994). This damages women’s identities and limits their agency (Bamberg, 2011; Nelson, 2001). It also leads to many women feeling guilt, shame and disembodiment as well as “disconnection from a vital source of their power and pleasure” (Daniluk & Browne, 2008).

There is little research that asks women about their own understandings of their sexuality (Bellamy, Gott, Hinchliff & Nicolson, 2011; Grobbelaar, 2012; Kleinplatz, 2002; Tiefer, 2001). Tiefer (2001) has thus called for an “avalanche of qualitative research” that utilizes women’s own voices regarding their sexuality. Giving women the opportunity to voice their experiences has the potential to increase their own awareness, agency and empowerment (Finlayson-Fife, 2002).

58 Researcher Subjectivity

In order to represent participants’ stories as accurately as possible, the researcher must engage in reflexivity. This reflexive awareness lessens the risk of bias and therefore increases confirmability, or the extent to which the results reflect the data and are not overly influenced by the researcher’s biases and interpretations.

Within the narrative approach, Arvay (2003) defines reflexivity as “exploring how my personal experiences shape my understandings of my co-investigators and how viewing issues from multiple viewpoints affects our understandings of the phenomenon under study” (p. 163). Feminist researchers posit that the power difference between researcher and participant must be acknowledged and carefully navigated, and so reflexivity includes scrutiny of power relations both within the research relationship and in the construction of the research narratives (Arvay, 2003; Naples, 2013). This means researchers must explore their own positions in terms of social location and values in order not to reproduce dominant race, gender and class biases (Naples, 2013; Olesen, 2000). For example, a researcher who is female must not assume she automatically has full access to other women’s knowledge (Olesen, 2000).

As Arvay (2003) puts it, I, the researcher must always be conscious of the role I am playing “in the construction of the ‘script’” (p. 165). Both the interviewee and myself hold multiple “I” positions as we continually choose how to position ourselves within our interaction with each other (Arvay 2003; 2002). For example, the participant may tell a story in which she positions herself as a victim, underdog or heroine; I may position myself as a peer, a sympathetic listener or up on the “researcher’s perch” (Arvay, 2003, p. 166). These positions are constantly shifting.

Attending to the multiple perspectives, positions and power relations as carefully as possible means recognizing and acknowledging my own positionality and subjectivities and journaling about them as part of the research process. I maintained journal notes throughout the course of the research in order to document personal thoughts, assumptions, questions and observations that came up during the process. This helped me to be aware of my own perspectives and biases, which enabled me to check in with myself to ensure I was telling the participants’ stories rather than mine. This was especially important given the personal relevance of the topic I was

59 investigating. As one person with multiple subjectivities, my location in the research process continually changed; at times I was very close to the data and at other times I was more distant. As Weston (1996) declares, “A single body cannot bridge that mythical divide between insider and outsider, researcher and researched. I am neither, in any simple way, and yet I am both” (as cited in Olesen, 2000, p. 227).

Given the social constructionist view that knowledge is constructed via the social process of dialogue, I chose to include at points my own voice in the narrative accounts of my participants. I influenced the conversation because of my responses. There were certain interactions where this influence seemed particularly pertinent. I also chose to self-disclose at certain moments in order to initiate authentic dialogue, for example to let participants know I identified with their stories and they could feel comfortable going into further depth.

I shared the chosen narratives and my initial analysis with each co-investigator and invited her to provide her own feedback and analysis. I advised each woman that they had the final word on narrative content. This opportunity for both researcher and participant to voice their understandings equally is important, given the fundamental questions of who, in the end, has authority and authorship over the research text (Arvay, 2003).

Recruitment and Selection

Recruitment

The recruitment process was much more fraught with tension than I had anticipated, as I encountered some surprising pushback to the study. I will describe the methods of recruitment first and then the events that followed. Once I received university ethics approval, I began recruiting participants through snowball sampling and Facebook groups.

Snowball sampling entailed sending my recruitment ad (see Appendix B) to my personal contacts in Mormon communities locally, nationally and internationally. I invited them to forward the ad to anyone they thought would qualify and might be interested in participating. Some individuals contacted me as a result of this and two women eventually took part in the research.

60 I chose the Facebook groups based on the number of group members, international reach and level of religious conservatism (see Appendix C). I also found groups just for LDS singles in various parts of the world. I attempted to find a range of groups that represented the conservative end of the Mormon belief spectrum all the way to the liberal end and beyond to the no longer believing. I based my perceptions of their level of conservativism on how group administrators described the group. For example, this rule from the group “Mormon Lounge” suggested it was highly conservative: “No Mormon Bashing: Putting down the Church, Apostle, General Authority, Member or doctrine.” This description from the group “Exponent II” suggested it was more liberal: “a group for Mormon feminists, Mormon feminist allies, and people considering becoming a Mormon feminist or ally.” I was surprised to find a group entitled LDS Women and Healthy Sexuality. They appeared to be quite conservative, as their rules included:

Please do not suggest any sex therapists unless you know for sure they stick to doctrine and not teach worldly views such as porn in moderation is healthy or masturbation while single at any age or alone while married is healthy and ok.

While I originally selected over 25 possible groups, I was only able to post (or have posted on my behalf) in 18 groups. I was told that my ad was posted in two other groups.

Recruitment became interesting when people began reacting negatively to the ad and to me personally. This seemed to be signs of the ambivalence and/or discomfort some LDS people have with the topic of sexuality. One group, A Thoughtful Faith, which appeared to be more liberal, told me I was not allowed to post my ad because it was in violation of the rules. When I asked for elaboration, the administrator replied that:

This support group is not a platform to advertise or promote causes or events, post advertising for businesses, sales, or fundraisers, solicitations, etc. Any such posts will be removed (personal correspondence, December 15, 2017).

This was puzzling because my research recruitment ad did not fit any of those descriptions.

I made an attempt to post in the conservative group Mormon Lounge. Knowing the topic would probably be a sensitive one, I first posted a question about whether it

61 was appropriate to post about research for the purpose of recruiting participants. While I had not mentioned what the research was, a group member (who must have seen my ad in another group) responded that:

She's looking for single LDS sisters willing to talk about their sexual lives. I doubt she's a Church member and if she is there are some that have joined for reasons not sincere. It appears she thinks our American President Trump is a terrorist. I doubt she respects privacy or sanctity for the fact she wants to write about single sexually active sisters in the Church and doesn't actually believe most abstain and honor the law of chastity. She should certainly ask her Church leaders the appropriateness of questioning single sisters about their sexuality and submitting it for a thesis report, published report, film or book. Makes me wonder your true reasons and in all due respect, have you sought counsel from your bishop in this pursuit regarding single sisters and this very personal subject that is also sacred according to sacred covenants of chastity that you should know about, but appear not to be (personal correspondence, December 16, 2017).

While anonymous strangers on the Internet often post negative, critical messages towards others, it was interesting that this individual was also attempting to reinforce silence around sexuality, which was one of the phenomena I set out to study. Since it appeared this member had misunderstood my ad, I responded and clarified that I was not looking for any details regarding any sexual experiences or whether individuals were sexually active. It was interesting that this individual felt they could judge me, question the sincerity of my church membership and make assumptions about my political beliefs and morals, all because I was interested in doing academic research on sexuality. It was also interesting that she believed I should have spoken to my bishop about my research. It appeared she believed that my desire to talk about the subject of sexuality was an inherent violation of its sacred nature. I am puzzled as to how one comes to a healthy understanding, not to mention expression, of sexuality if one is never to talk about it.

I encountered a similar response from the administrators of a Facebook group for single Mormon folk, LDS Single Adults 25+. I requested permission to post my ad and was told that while the female administrators did not have a problem with it, the male

62 administrators did. I engaged in a dialogue with one of the male administrators to find out if there were any specific concerns I could address. He responded thus:

I am going to be very honest. I do believe there can be future value from the results of such a study. The research I have read shows a tendency for single women of all backgrounds to feel guilty after intimate physical touch, even when the woman initiates and participates in the moment willing.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we taught that any sexual act / thought outside marriage is a sin. Specifically asking single Mormon women to discuss their "sins" is something I cannot support. But don't be discouraged, there are hundreds of FaceBook groups for LDS singles. I am a member of many of them. LDS Singles 25+ is one of very few who hold its members to the standards of the Church. We kick out and block people who are inappropriate / offensive. We strive to make this group a safe place for the more tender Saints. So I don't believe this is the best venue for solicitation of participants for your study. There are many other popular FaceBook groups where LDS singles can be more open to discuss topics not suitable for church. (personal communication, December 16, 2017)

This individual acknowledged that there could be benefit to the study, but at the same time declared the study inappropriate because “any sexual act / thought outside marriage is a sin.” This view is an extremely conservative interpretation of what is taught at church. Church leaders have explicitly stated that feeling sexual desire is not a sin though acting on it is (Ballard, 2015). It was also interesting that this individual saw discussing “sins” as totally inappropriate and suggested that it was actually offensive. Church leaders often discuss behaviour seen as “sinful” in order to teach members what is morally wrong and what can be done to avoid it. Further, he seemed to equate his Facebook group with “church.” It is doubtful that church leadership would share his view.

This interaction between a male in power and myself, a female, making a request to that male was reminiscent of what Kane (2018) found in her study of LDS women and temple rituals [special ceremonies conducted for and by those members who have made more significant religious commitments]. She found an “enormous paradox” in that temple rites are central to Mormon belief and significantly impact how women define

63 themselves, but there is no approved arena in which Mormon women can discuss them. Kane (2018) found that her participants were eager to share their thoughts and appreciative of the opportunity to speak freely; for many, the research interview was the first time they had ever spoken of their temple experiences. From Kane’s (2018) view, the women’s narratives exposed two key mechanisms of social control. The first is a culture of silence, which creates a “façade of widespread consent” (Kane, 2018, p. 103) to the LDS definitions of femininity despite LDS women’s diverse perspectives (Beaman, 2001). The second is official sanctions against LDS women via priesthood leaders if the norms of silence are violated.

In my experience with the Facebook administrator, a similar paradox was evident. I was clearly told that sexuality, as central as temple rites to women’s lives and how they define themselves, was not an approved topic for the group. Yet the female administrators of the group felt otherwise. In that arena, silence was enforced. Secondly, my request was not only denied, it was implied that I had done something offensive and harmful, i.e., jeopardizing a “safe place for the more tender Saints.” As a result I could be kicked out or blocked. This male administrator enforced a culture of silence regarding LDS women and warned me of sanctions if I attempted to violate that norm. This threat of sanction, according to Kane (2018), is a “powerful mechanism through which everyday theologies are managed in ways that preserve broader patriarchal values and norms” (p. 106).

Although there were some negative reactions to the ad, I also received positive feedback. Members of various groups “liked” the post. Others made comments such as “I think it's great that you're studying this!” and “Ds [sic] is beautiful sis, keep on the good work.”

I received a large number of messages from women who were interested in participating. I heard from 45 women in total. The majority of them expressed pleasure and excitement that such a study was occurring as well as an eagerness to participate. It seems that single Mormon women want a safe place to talk about sexuality.

64 Selection Criteria

The selection criteria included self-identification as female; single (i.e., not married; divorced or widowed was acceptable); aged 30 or over; and ever-Mormon (defined as, at one point in their lives they identified as Mormon, though that did not need to be at the time of the study).

I selected the post-30-year-old age criteria because of the potentially greater stigma this population may face. Marriage and family are heavily emphasized within the LDS church (Bowman, 2012; Darrington et al., 2005; Raynes & Parsons, 1994; Rutledge, 1993; Rytting & Rytting, 1982). Up until at least the early 1990s, the majority (75%) of Mormon women were married by their early 20s (Bahr, 1992). More recent data indicates that the average age of marriage among Mormons is 23 (Sloan, Merrill & Merrill, 2014). Single Mormons can attend special singles-only “Young Single Adult” (YSA) congregations, social activities, service projects, religion classes and conferences, where it is hoped they will find someone to marry (Welker, 2018; Young, 1992). If an individual turns 31 and is still single, they are no longer permitted to attend (Young, 1992). It is likely that a single individual over the age of 30 who has not married and is not allowed to go to YSA events may experience stigma. This may manifest internally in terms of personal concerns about attractiveness, suitability for marriage and even one’s standing before God (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013; Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). Externally this stigma may manifest as pressure to marry, questions about one’s faith and righteousness, judgment and even rejection from others (Baker, 2010; Hardy, 2013; Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). These experiences have been linked to depression (Rutledge, 1993).

I decided on ever-Mormon, rather than currently Mormon, as an inclusion criterion. It was clear from the literature review that some Christian/Mormon women leave their churches over the issue of sexual desire, so it seemed that talking to only those that stay would provide a highly skewed picture. Indeed, Shaw (1987) made a call that future research on single Mormons and sexuality specifically include those who are no longer actively involved with Mormonism in order to gain a broader understanding.

I became aware of a strong bias for heterosexual women in the research. Therefore I made sure my recruitment materials included an invitation to those who

65 identified as queer. This was encouraged by Shaw (1987), who spoke of the importance of illuminating challenges faced specifically by this Mormon sub-population.

Finally, the majority of study participants in the literature were White, American middle class women, so in my recruitment materials I expressed that I was particularly interested in selecting participants who identify as women of colour and who live outside of the United States.

Participants

As mentioned, I received messages from 46 women who were interesting in participating in the study. I emailed each of them further information about the study as well as the screening questions (see Appendix D). I also answered any questions they had about participation. Sixteen women returned answers to the screening questions. Many of these identified as White, American women and so I let them know that their acceptance into the study was pending and I would get back to them at a later date. This was part of my goal to use purposeful sampling, or participants selected because they best represent the design and limits of the study (Jensen, 2008).

I eventually identified ten women as study participants. The sample size was limited to ten due to my usage of the narrative approach within the qualitative paradigm, which values rich, deep knowledge about the lived experience of a fewer number of participants (Riessman, 1993). Time constraints were also a factor: the number of interviews, their length and the corresponding analysis would have made it extremely time-consuming to include more participants in a study of this size and scope.

Recruited participants were diverse in age, affiliation with the Church, ethnicity, location and marital status (see Table 1). The ages of participants ranged from 31 to 58, with an average of 39.5. Five participants identified as active church members; three identified as not active; one had resigned her membership and one had excommunicated herself. In terms of ethnicity, self-identification was thus: Arab (1 participant); White and Native American (2); White and Metis (1); White (4); Latina (1); and Northern European—Germanic, Scandinavian, British Isles (1). Two participants lived in Canada, seven lived in the United States and one lived in Scandinavia. Two participants were divorced, seven were single and one was married. The married woman

66 fell outside the selection criteria, but had disclosed that issues with sexuality had brought her to the brink of divorce. After consulting with my primary supervisor, I decided to include her in the study. I was guided by theoretical sampling from the grounded theory approach, wherein more data is collected to fill out the properties of a theoretical category, find variation in it or delineate relationships between categories (Charmaz & Henwood, 2008). My hope was that including an individual just outside the borders of the study criteria who had been impacted by the phenomena I was exploring would help deepen understanding of the phenomenon and enhance analysis (Charmaz, 2000).

The sample was biased towards educated women: at least four participants had a bachelor’s degree while three had a master’s degree or higher. Curiously, at least six participants had attended the LDS-owned Brigham Young University in Provo or Idaho. In terms of occupations, four participants are educators; one is a real estate broker and writer; one is a daycare worker; one is an animator and one is a family physician. Two participants’ occupations were not disclosed.

At least 9 participants possessed or had at one point possessed a temple recommend, which means they had made more significant religious commitments in a Mormon temple. In terms of sexual orientation, six participants identified as straight; one as mostly heterosexual; one as bi/pansexual; one as bisexual/bicurious; and one as queer and lesbian.

The participants came from both snowball sampling and the various Facebook groups in which I posted the recruitment ad. Three participants had heard about the study through snowball sampling; four came from progressive Mormon groups; two came from Mormon dating groups; and one came from a Facebook group but did not disclose which.

Table 1: Participant Demographics Church Demographics Status of Activity at Church Active (5); Not active (3); Resigned (1); Excommunicated herself (1) (self-identified) Temple Recommend (made 9 (1 unknown) significant religious commitments)

Marital Status Single (7); Divorced (2); Married (1)

67 General Demographics Age 31, 35, 36 (2 participants), 37 (2 participants), 38, 41, 46, 58 Average age 39.5 Self-identified Race / Ethnicity Arab (1); White and Native American (2); White and Metis (1); White (4); Latina (1); Northern European—Germanic, Scandinavian, British Isles (1) Country/Region Canada (2); United States (7); Scandinavia (1) Education Bachelor’s (4); Master’s (3); Unknown (3) Attended Brigham Young University (Provo or Idaho) - 6 Occupation Health educator in higher education (1); Educator (2); High school teacher (1); Real estate broker and writer (1); Daycare worker (1); Animator (1); Family physician (1); Unknown (2) Gender & Sexual Demographics Sexual Orientation Straight (6); Mostly heterosexual (1); Bi/pansexual (1); Bisexual/bicurious (1); Queer and lesbian (1) Gender Orientation Female (9); “Non-binary woman” (1)

Data Collection and Analysis

The Interview

Nine participants lived in other cities or countries than the interviewer, and so I scheduled Skype interviews with them. The tenth participant came to my home to participate in the interview in person. Before beginning interviews, I reviewed informed consent (see Appendix E) and answered questions they had regarding confidentiality, the use and storage of data and the overall study process. Given the sensitive nature of the topics disclosed in these interviews, I advised participants that we did not have to discuss anything with which they were not comfortable. I also provided a list of therapists, both Mormon and non-Mormon, local to their area and online, should they feel the need to explore topics further after the interview (see Appendix F).

After getting consent to participate, I shared the list of possible discussion questions (see Appendix G) and asked the participant which felt most relevant and important for her to discuss. I invited her to add other questions if she so wished. Then we proceeded with the interview based on the questions the participant selected. The rationale for this was that less structure gives more control to participants (Riessman, 1993b), allowing for detailed accounts rather than short answers (Riessman, 2008). The answers the participants gave “continually inform[ed] the evolving conversation” (Paget, 1983, as cited by Riessman, 1993b, p. 55).

68 The length of interviews ranged from one hour to three hours and 10 minutes, with the average length being one and a half hours. The interviews were conducted between November 2017 and January 2018. There was a restriction in one of the participants who contributed data: she had an impairment that prevented her from speaking freely. I found it necessary to paraphrase what I thought I heard her say and ask her whether what I heard was accurate. Another participant contributed further information via email after the interview concluded.

Transcription

After completing the interviews, I transcribed them to closely reflect spoken language, including what I said as well as what the participant said. I preserved both parts of the conversation because the act of storytelling within dialogue, as Riessman (2008) declared, is what constitutes the autobiographical self. As mentioned earlier, both the participant and myself continually chose different self-positionings to be in line with what we were communicating in the moment. The ways the participant identified herself in her narratives were significant. These various ways of identifying were pieces of a puzzle that provided information as to the facets of her character. The findings section includes a few segments of dialogue between myself and the participant in which some contain examples of the self-positioning I was doing as an interviewer. Sarah, for example, spoke about creating God in her image and asked, “Who’s to say that Mormons aren’t?” I responded by laughing and then saying “Bam! Drop the mic!” My response certainly influenced the direction of the conversation with Sarah. This was a point at which I failed to maintain a neutral interviewing stance. My reason for doing so was to communicate my identification as an LG2TBQI ally and let Sarah know that although she was speaking with a fellow Mormon, she was in a safe space to discuss her sexual orientation. Sarah responded by elaborating on her perspective and shared some other views with which a more traditional Mormon would likely not agree. There are four other segments in which I did something similar in an attempt to communicate my non-judgmental stance and thereby greater safety for the participant to explore their perspective.

In the transcriptions I also included important information about features of speech, i.e., whispering or yelling, because these help indicate how a text is to be interpreted (Riessman, 1993b). With the first five interviews, I took what appeared to be

69 significant phrases and used them as section titles, based on Riessman’s (1993b) approach. I decided not to do this with the others as it was not useful for the particular analytic approach I settled on.

I used pseudonyms to protect anonymity. Eight participants chose their own. For the two others I suggested pseudonyms; one agreed and another did not participate in a member check interview and so it is unknown whether she was comfortable with the pseudonym.

Analysis

After transcribing the interviews, I wrote an outline of each one. This helped me get a sense of chronology and have a better view of the weight participants gave to various topics (i.e., what they chose to discuss or not and how much time they spent doing so).

I then began analysis using a modified version of Arvay’s (2003; 2002) interpretive method of analysis. Arvay (2003; 2002) suggested reading each transcript through four different lenses; I used three because of the large number of participants and the associated constraints on time. Another modification was that I used anecdotes clustered around themes rather than holistic narratives. The rationale for this was to protect confidentiality in a tightly networked community (Jordan, 2010).

The first was a reading for the research questions, looking at key events, people and meaning-making in how the participants were navigating and constructing their sexual selves in the context of Mormonism. I paid attention to when I expected a particular response, for example a yes or no to a closed question, and how an individual actually responded.

The second lens was a reading for how the individual was constructing themselves through their stories in dialogue with myself, the researcher. I looked at how they were positioning themselves (i.e., as victim? Hero? Underdog?) and who they were addressing, or in other words if there were others implicit in the room such as parents, church leaders or the men they’d dated. I also paid attention to intersectionality, or overlaps between markers of diversity such as race, social class, sexual orientation, etc.

70 I used the following series of questions (questions 1-11) from Arvay (2001) and added the last four on relational and contextual considerations from Jordan (2010).

1. Who is telling this story?

2. How are they situated in this story?

3. How do they present themselves?

4. What voice are they using?

5. What are they feeling?

6. What do they share about themselves? Possibly keep hidden?

7. What relationships do they draw on?

8. What do they want to convey to the listener?

9. What do they want to convey to others in the story?

10. How do they create a sense of continuity/consistency of self?

11. How do they understand discontinuity or changes?

12. What relationships do they draw on to tell their experience?

13. How do they speak of time and space?

14. What elements of their contexts do they recognize as significant? How?

15. What cultural resources or meta-narratives do they draw on to tell their story?

16. As the protagonist of her own tale, what does she want to convey to the reader?

The third lens I used to analyze the transcripts was a critical one regarding power, authority and repression. As Riessman (1993b) states, “Individuals’ narratives are situated in particular interactions but also in social, cultural and institutional discourses, which must be brought to bear to interpret them” (p. 61). I paid attention to examples of patriarchal power in particular but also tried to stay aware of racism,

71 heterosexism and other forms of oppression. I was interested in how participants interpreted relations of power and the strategies they used for dealing with them. Again, I used a series of questions from Arvay (2001) and Jordan (2010), as follows:

1. What meanings do they give to power and authority in their lives?

2. How do they speak of social institutions?

3. In what ways do they struggle with issues regarding inequities?

4. Where are they silenced?

5. When do they lose their voice?

6. Is the narrator conscious of the power or political influences in their life or of the influences of culture?

7. How do I understand their history/context/social world? In what ways are their ‘personal realities’ challenged?

After using these three lenses, I then formatted the interviews for coding in the qualitative coding software NVivo. I had originally planned to rely on the speaker’s intonation and pitch for line breaks, but the format requirements for NVivo did not allow me to do so. I decided to focus on thematic analysis, focusing on the content and “themes” of the phrases rather than the structure. While coding, I preserved the long accounts rather than breaking them up into vignettes, as in narrative analysis, it is important that sequences are preserved (Riessman, 2008). For the individual storyteller, meaning is derived from the whole rather than the parts (Riessman, 1993b).

I created three main coding nodes based on the lenses I had used to do an initial analysis of each interviews. I then used open coding, meaning line-by-line coding, to create initial sub-codes. I utilized a constant comparative method which made it possible to identify categories that, through repeated analysis of transcript data, emerged into general themes. This allowed me to observe broad patterns across accounts but also how meanings differed between participants (Riessman, 2008). I stayed attentive to whether there was material that was contradictory. I observed the use of emotions and metaphors (Gibbs, 2007). As I engaged in multiple listenings and readings of the

72 accounts, I took notes about the ideas I had and used them to guide the development of themes. After this initial reading and coding process, I reread the codes in order to organize them into finer subcategories.

The final process in data analysis was developing themes. I utilized discussions with my supervisor, a peer researcher and mapping strategies to develop themes and eventually distill them down into the categories described in the Findings chapter.

After completing the analysis and writing the findings, I conducted a member check wherein I contacted each participant and invited them to review their transcript and make any changes they felt necessary. I used the questions found in Appendix H. This collaboration is an important aspect of narrative inquiry as it gives participants a great deal of control over their own story (Cresswell, 2013). It also invites participants to provide feedback on the credibility of the findings and interpretations, which is in Lincoln and Guba’s view the most “critical technique for establishing credibility” (as cited in Moen, 2006, p. 8).

I sent the transcripts with password protection through www.securedocs.ca in order to ensure confidentiality to the extent possible. Any information that could have potentially identified the participant was anonymized (i.e., the name of a city was changed to “local city”). Of the ten participants, eight responded to my invitation and participated in a member check interview. The ninth participant became quite ill and was not able to participate further in the study. It is not known why the tenth participant did not respond.

Criteria for Evaluating the Worth of this Study

As discussed, the basic paradigm of interpretivist-constructivist qualitative research fundamentally rejects the existence of objective truth. Therefore validity of qualitative research findings is most appropriately judged in an “individualized contextual manner” (Miller, 2008, p. 909). This manner includes the components of credibility, transferability, dependability and confirmability, which apply to all qualitative projects (Korstjens and Moser, 2018) and were initially proposed by Lincoln and Guba (2005). These are seen by many as important to increase the trustworthiness of the research.

73 In terms of credibility of narrative research in particular, Moen (2006) suggests that narrative research is trustworthy or reliable because of the depth of its process, as outlined above, and the extensive data that is generated. He also describes the importance of member checks, where the participants’ view of the credibility of the findings and interpretations is sought (Moen, 2006).

Credibility

The concept of credibility deals with the question of how congruent the research findings are with reality, or in other words whether a true picture is presented of the phenomenon being studied (Shenton, 2004). It is also the level of confidence, or belief, the reader can place in the truth of the research findings (Korstjens and Moser, 2018). In positivist research the equivalent concept is that of internal validity, or whether the study measures or tests what is intended. But in interpretivist research, credibility is determined by description and explanation and whether the explanation fits the description. It is not claimed that there is only one way of interpreting an event; there is no one “correct” analysis (Janesick, 2000).

Credibility is one of the most important factors in establishing trustworthiness (Lincoln & Guba, 2005). To ensure credibility, I used methods that are well-established in psychological research and a good match for the questions I was researching. I sought participants from a variety of sources who came from diverse backgrounds and represented a wide range of experiences. This sampling provided assurance that the individuals selected are representative of the larger group (Shenton, 2004). Nine of the 16 million members of the LDS church are located in North America, with slightly over 500,000 members in Europe and the rest scattered over South America, Asia, Oceania and Africa (Mormon Newsroom, 2018). Research participants represented this demographic makeup, with the bulk located in North America and one located in Europe. Including a range of participants also added greater rigour, breadth, complexity, richness and depth to the study (Denzin & Lincoln, 2000). Individual viewpoints and experiences could be compared to others, eventually contributing to a rich picture of the behaviour and perspectives of those being studied (Shenton, 2004).

Since the subject material was sensitive, I ensured participant confidentiality to the extent possible, and participants were advised that they could withdraw from

74 participation at any time. This meant the data collection involved those who were genuinely willing to take part and so encouraged honesty (Shenton, 2004). Furthermore, I used iterative questioning, where I returned to previous subjects and asked further questions in order to gain more data and potentially uncover dishonesty. This meant I gathered clear and in depth information, enabling thick description of the phenomenon under study. This will allow readers to scrutinize the work and judge its credibility (Maykut and Morehouse, 1994; Moen, 2006; Shenton, 2004).

Additionally, I used reflective processes throughout the research as recommended by Shenton (2004) and Creswell (2013). I met frequently with my thesis supervisor to debrief and to be guided in the development of ideas and interpretations (Shenton, 2004). I participated in discussion and debriefing with peers, which provided the opportunity for checks and balances. It enabled me to get feedback, look critically at my approaches and stay open to other ideas, questions and interpretations. This increases the ability to trust the data (Maykut & Morehouse, 1994). I also journaled about my own reactions and thoughts to the narratives I heard once I completed interviews, transcribed and coded them, in order to stay aware of how I was being influenced by the research. Finally, I used member checks, where I took data and analysis back to the research subjects so that they could judge whether I had accurately described their experiences (Maykut & Morehouse, 1994; Moen, 2006). Taking work back is also politically important because of its possibilities to create change among the community of participants (Riessman, 1993b).

Transferability

In the quantitative paradigm, researchers are concerned with whether their results can be generalized to a wider population. However, in regard to the questions of meaning and interpretation in individual cases that qualitative research explores, the concept of generalizability falls short and may even do real damage to individuals (Janesick, 2000). Therefore, qualitative researchers are interested in transferability, or whether the findings of the study can be related to those in other contexts or positions. The researcher provides thick description: enough detail regarding the context of the research study for the reader to decide whether the environment is similar to another situation with which they are familiar and whether the findings can be applied to that situation (Shenton, 2004). This can be achieved if the researcher provides a detailed

75 account of all aspects of the study, including the restrictions in the type of people who contributed data, the number of participants, the data collection methods, the number and length of the data collection sessions and the time period over which the data was collected (Shenton, 2004). This information was provided in previous sections.

It is my hope that this information will be transferable to practical use in the understanding of how single Mormon women and other types of Christian women navigate their sexuality within their religious context. These results may provide information for others who want to gain a better understanding of this experience, particularly those in positions of support for this population such as religious leaders and mental health specialists.

Dependability

In positivist research, the issue of reliability is addressed by reporting details of the study processes in order to allow the study to be repeated by a future researcher and obtain similar results (Shenton, 2004). However, this is difficult due to the constantly changing nature of the phenomena that qualitative researchers study. Therefore, a qualitative researcher may not be able to gain similar results even if the study is repeated. That being said, the initial study can be seen as a “prototype model” whose design, at least, can be replicated. Therefore the researcher must include the research design and implementation in detail, the details of the data gathering done in the field and reflective appraisal of the project (Shenton, 2004). Maintaining an audit trail is an important strategy (Korstjens and Moser, 2018). I have sought to describe each of these clearly in order to enable other researchers interested in the topic to replicate the procedures of this study.

Dependability also entails participants evaluating the findings, interpretation and recommendations of the study so that all are supported by the data (Korstjens and Moser, 2018). This is explored through member checks.

Confirmability

Quantitative researchers believe they can achieve objectivity in their results by avoiding bias. However, qualitative researchers take it as a given that since human

76 beings conduct research, they will inevitably bring their own biases to the process. Therefore they do not aim for objectivity, but for confirmability. This requires the researcher to demonstrate that the findings are a result of the data rather than their own predispositions (Shenton, 2004). This is particularly important in narrative inquiry, which is personal and interpretive and requires the researcher to acknowledge their positionality. Riessman (1993b) states that researchers must describe how they are situated in the personal narratives they collect, as perceptions can become obscured by their own experiences and unduly influence the process (Dwyer & Buckle, 2009). The resulting persuasiveness of the project is an important aspect of overall trustworthiness as well.

I am a single Mormon woman and presumably have had similar experiences to those of my participants. Prior to beginning any work as a master’s student, I wrote a memoir exploring my Mormon faith and my attempts to reconcile my single life with strong expectations from my community, my family and myself, developed at an early age, to get married (Sutton, 2012). This life experience has motivated my research interest in the topic and how I have conceptualized my approach. I brought a number of questions to the research from my own experience. I was interested in how empowerment and agency would show up in the interviews. Did participants find those things through accepting the challenge of chastity as a God-given “trial of faith” and maintaining their commitment? Or did they find it through making their own, institutionally unsanctioned choices to express their sexuality? And how do they discover which paths are right for them? I was also interested in those who state they are committed to chastity but when the opportunity arises, engage in sexual encounters. What are the stories they are telling themselves? Finally, I was curious to learn if participants experience less guilt than they anticipate and if so, how they explain that to themselves.

I am aware that my background had the potential to influence the process and analysis of the interviews, so tried to remain very sensitive to this personal subjectivity. Throughout the process I used reflexive practices such as journaling, where I acknowledged my own struggles and resonances, and debriefing with peers. I also maintained an audit trail that included notes on my decisions during the research process, reflective thoughts and information about the data management (Korstjens and Moser, 2018).

77 Being a single Mormon woman myself, deeply conversant in the culture and language, gave me an interesting position as both insider and outsider. Knowing whether I was part of the community was important to many participants, as it was one of the first questions they asked me. When I said yes, this may have provided a level of trust, openness and safety that would otherwise be difficult to achieve (Dwyer & Buckle, 2009). Participants may have been more willing to disclose their thoughts and feelings because they believed I would understand if not share them. Participants may have trusted me more than a non-Mormon researcher, especially on such a personal topic, since Mormons are generally protective of community and personal knowledge (Finlayson-Fife, 2002).

On the other hand, as a result of this commonality, participants may not have fully explained their experiences because they did not see it as necessary. The participants and I may have inadvertently colluded regarding shared assumptions and meanings because of our mutual culture and experiences (Morrow & Smith as cited in Anderton, 2017). There was also the potential that participants would be more guarded because of worries about how a fellow Mormon might judge them.

It is also possible that I would be seen as an outsider for various reasons. Many participants spoke of a particular kind of church culture specific to Utah, where the Church’s headquarters are located and where in many cities, Mormons comprise the majority of the population. Living outside of that state prevents me from understanding that particular culture. Secondly, the fact that I published a memoir in which I was candid about challenges negotiating my faith may be seen by some Mormons as a kind of “defection” that renders me untrustworthy. Furthermore, my plan to ask difficult questions about Mormonism and sexuality may be seen as inappropriate, particularly because it could be seen as a challenge to authority, leadership and even doctrine. Challenges such as these are taboo in many Mormon circles. Finally, I have not been an active, practising Mormon for the last two years, which for many active Mormons raises serious questions about legitimacy regarding my words or actions towards the Church. Mormons who are not “faithful” to the religion tend to be seen as untrustworthy.

In spite of these considerations, Dwyer and Buckle (2009) assert that insider or outsider status does not matter as much as an ability to be “open, authentic, honest, deeply interested in the experience of one’s research participants, and committed to

78 accurately and adequately representing their experience” (p. 59). As mentioned, reflexivity, or writing about my own experiences and thoughts as the research proceeds, is an important aspect of this accurate representation and was something I engaged in throughout the process. I also spoke frequently with peers and supervisors and kept notes on my processes and decision making. These notes and records constitute an audit trail, which will allow others to walk through my work from beginning to end, understand the paths I took and judge the trustworthiness of the outcomes (Maykut & Morehouse, 1994).

Ultimately, according to Mischler, “the key issue [of trustworthiness] becomes whether the relevant community of scientists evaluates reported findings as sufficiently trustworthy to rely on them for their own work” (1990, as cited in Maykut & Morehouse, 1994, p. 11 PDF edition). Maykut and Morehouse (1994) add to this the criteria that layperson readers find the study so interesting and persuasive that they are willing to act on it in their every day worlds. Riessman (1993b) asserts that persuasiveness is made possible when the researcher supports their claims with evidence from participants’ accounts, includes negative examples and makes space for other interpretations. By adhering closely to the above-described methods and considerations, I believe my study will be seen as trustworthy and hope that it will inspire action.

79 The Agency/Obedience Paradox

Introduction

The answers participants provided to these questions were ultimately grouped into four categories, described as various types of constraints. Single Mormon women are located within a context where they face a lack of legitimacy due to both their marital status and gender. As single individuals, a) they are susceptible to stigma and b) have no legitimized outlet in which to discuss or express sexuality. As women, they face a) limits on institutional authority and b) pressure to put their personal needs second. These significant constraints impact how these women use their agency, which in turn affects how they view themselves and form their identities, including their sexual identities.

The findings within each of these constraints will be discussed in detail. Following that, the most important symbol of the negotiation of the agency-dilemma, the bishop’s interview, will be discussed.

“Why be in a place feeling we are not successful?” The stigma of being single

Numerous participants discussed at length their experience of being single in a marriage- and family-centred religion. They described challenges in three major areas: socially, due to how they were treated by other Mormons; personally, because of the way they made meanings of their experiences and how that impacted their view of themselves; and religiously, due to the doctrinal obligation of marriage in Mormonism.

80 Social challenges: treatment by others

Women described feeling out of place and uncomfortable in both congregations solely for single Mormons and in so-called “family” wards (congregations of both single individuals and families). A main problem with singles wards, according to participants, was the heavy focus on dating. As Sarah said, “I felt like we went to church and that was all we talked about.” She went on to say she skipped church often as she could because she did not want to be in that environment. For her, the only way to avoid the focus on dating was to avoid church entirely.

Due to the emphasis on dating, another participant spoke of feeling like a commodity at church, a place she desired to be a sanctuary. She described it thus: “It’s very very uncomfortable to be in…like, the meat market and nobody wants to buy you…. I don’t think that I should go to church with that idea. That’s why I thought, there is no place for me here.”

This lack of belonging and feeling of uselessness was exacerbated by local church members and leaders. Sarah said that when she moved to a family ward, it was “kind of better” because they “didn’t talk about dating all the time”; however, “they had no use for single people.” Similarly, Sofia recounted that “this wife of one of the [bishop’s] counsellors, she said, single people that are more than thirty are waste for the Church.” This married Church member seemed to be saying that single people are not valuable to the Church and, in fact, the Church may not even have use for them. If single people are made to feel unneeded and/or unwanted, it is unlikely they will want to stay! It is little wonder then that Sofia said she did not feel she belonged in the religion. “When my real friends ask me,” she stated, “I tell them, yeah, the Church is good, but I just don’t belong there. I just feel like…uh…it’s just for families. And I don’t have a family so I don’t have a place over there.”

Stigma was particularly pronounced for one divorced participant. Gertrude said there was a “dramatic difference” in the way she was treated by other Mormons as a married person and then as a divorced person. As she put it,

Divorced women…I might as well come in a witch costume to church. It’s kind of the feeling. Of course, I do a very nice witch… Everything I say is taken with, you know, but she’s a witch. When I was a married woman and raised my hand and

81 would say the exact same thing because it’s still me [laughs], you know…it would be taken so differently.

It appears that Gertrude was experiencing implicit messages that what she said and thought was now less legitimate because she did not have a husband.

Of more concern is what this participant meant by referring to herself as a witch, considering witches are generally women who are feared because they are seen as having dangerous powers and historically, have often been killed. It is possible Gertrude is saying she got the feeling that other members would have preferred she was not around because she had committed, in words she used ironically earlier in the interview, the “wrong and evil” act of divorce. Married members may have considered her to be a threat to the social order of the Church. As Shaw (1987) points out, “When an active member divorces….there is the "damning banner invisibly strung across every Church entryway...[which reads] 'No other success can compensate for failure in the home’ (pp. 23-24). Since Gertrude had voluntarily ended her marriage and was not visibly suffering under a “damning banner” as a result, this may have also made her a subtly threatening figure. Indeed, she indicated that friends had written to her after she got divorced expressing the wish they could do the same, but were stuck in their marriages because they did not have education or a job. As Gertrude wondered, “Are any Mormon marriages happy?” It is interesting to consider that many single Mormons experience stigma and struggle due to lack of marriage while some married Mormons may experience struggle and unhappiness precisely because they are married.

The stigma was described by multiple participants in multiple ways. Sofia said, “Here [in the singles ward] it’s just like, oh [sighs]. Like I feel…[sighs]… Like you don’t, I don’t know. Like you don’t worth [sic] the same as the ones that are married.” Diane spoke of the messages she hears about being single as, fundamentally, suggesting there is something wrong with her:

I’ve been told in the Church, over and over again…is if I’m upset about not being married, it’s because I don’t have enough faith. That either my lack of it is why I’m not married or my lack of faith is evidence of my not trusting in God that it will all be okay, and I should just be totally fine with it right now.

82 This message suggests the onus is on Diane to change herself. Once she does, she might be able to get a man. In other words, she is not acceptable the way she is. Not only that, the change supposedly required is one regarding one’s faith, an extremely personal and significant thing. It is surprising that anyone feels they have the right to tell someone else how or what they should believe. This “lack of faith” narrative appears to just be a different kind of female victim-blaming. When a woman is sexually assaulted, she may get asked what she was wearing, suggesting that the attack was at least partly her fault. In this situation where a woman is not finding a husband, she is getting asked whether she trusts God enough, suggesting that the lack of marriage is at least partly her fault.

Personal challenges: views of self

Constantly hearing messages about the need to be married, and not being able to achieve that goal, was damaging to some participants. At least one woman began to view herself as flawed. Sofia said, “Now [marriage] is not happening. No!...[laughs] and then you’re like, what is wrong with me?” She attempted to make sense of the way things were by blaming herself. She described feeling this way for a number of years before deciding that it did not align with her views of herself and the world. She then declared that she would not continue carrying this responsibility: “I guess I will not punish myself for not being married and not punish myself for not… Because, I started thinking, what is wrong with me? Everybody thinks that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t get married, if you are not married…and yeah, and I had a couple experiences where, like, yeah, you have to pray. You don’t have enough faith, and I’m like, really? It’s not.”

It seems Sofia came to the realization that there were more factors at play in her possibilities for marriage than just her own righteousness. In other words, she came to the conclusion that being single was not her “fault.” She goes on to say that she “just decided” to stop believing everything depended on her and furthermore, to stop believing that if she was not married, she was not successful. This participant was able to change the meaning she made of her single status. She greatly reduced its significance (i.e., she no longer saw it as indicative of some fundamental failure as a human being).

83 Gertrude stated that she chose her pseudonym for this study based on the Gertrude from Shakespeare’s “Hamlet.” In her words, this character is “defined by marriage,” marries a “weirdo” and feels “safer” because she is married. It seems that in choosing this name for herself, she identifies with these descriptions. In speaking about being defined by marriage, it seems Gertrude struggled to identify herself as anything other than a wife. One wonders also how she may have felt “safer” as a married person.

Religious challenges: view of progress

Some participants saw themselves as limited in growth and spiritual progress because of being single. Diane said,

[the] struggle with being single as I’ve gotten older is a sense of being, of liminality, a sense of being trapped on the threshold…and um, trying to maintain identity as an adult but still feeling like I haven’t hit mile markers. Um…and it’s something that I feel, at times, hyperaware of…the sense of here’s this thing that everybody else around me has experienced but I haven’t…

It’s a holding pattern…

Kate said:

It was almost this realization of, well, I’m never going to make any spiritual progress, am I. Unless I’m married. Like, I have hit the ceiling as far as Mormonism is concerned….Or you’re not a whole person until you become a married person. You’re only half a person until you’re married.

When asked what, if anything, church leaders could do to make the experience of being single easier for women, Diane stated that “it would be nice if things weren’t the way they are right now.” She says that ultimately, “this idea of marriage being essential to achieve the highest level of salvation” is “doctrine based” but goes on to say:

it would be nice if there were just basics like, treat people like adults or…maybe we even need to just have something that serves as that ritual passage into adulthood that’s not connected to the things that can be outside of people’s control…. if there were something that enabled you to feel that sense of

84 progression that wasn’t tied at its essence to you being connected to someone else. That instead it would just be you approaching God in any way.

So although the doctrine is immutable, she believes there are possibilities for different ways of treating singles in the Church.

For Diane, her connection to God has been negatively impacted by her struggles with being single. She stated that her relationship with God was “on the negative side” because of “that, um, anger that I alluded to over, like, I was promised this [marriage], I’m not getting this…” In regards to the promise Diane mentions, she appears to be referring to messages at church that faithful members will receive answers to their prayers. Because this has not occurred for her, and because she is constantly being reminded of how crucial it is, she is currently unable to enjoy a fulfilling relationship with God.

One participant believed that marriage was so crucial that other important doctrinal requirements, specifically the law of chastity, could be ignored if they got in the way of marriage. As Kate stated, “the number one priority for Mormon women is to make sure the guys like you and you know, secure one for marriage.” She linked the pressure to marry with a sense of obligation to be accommodating sexually: “I can’t tell you how many things I let happen to me sexually even though I didn’t want to…I didn’t want to say no in a way that made them not want to go out with me again….when men give you that sexual attention, you don’t want to tell them no, because then they won’t spend time with you anymore and that defeats the whole point of the whole dating to get married.” As problematic as this may be, it is even more of an issue given the LDS culture where women are expected, or some would say conditioned, to obey their priesthood leaders. Given that any priesthood holder “outranks” any woman, there is a risk that certain aggressive men could demand sexual accommodation based on that privilege. If a man claims to have received revelation from God, for example, that she should do what he wants, a faithful, trusting LDS woman may believe it.

Other participants were not even sure they wanted to get married, but did not feel they had space to voice that ambivalence, let alone explore it. The teachings were all- encompassing. As Sofia put it, “you started, like, being trained from…twelve years old to…eighteen that, okay. Temple marriage, temple marriage, temple marriage, temple

85 marriage, temple marriage….I feel like I was brainwashed and programmed to want to be married.”

When Sofia says she was “programmed to want to be married, this suggests she does not feel she has a choice, not just whether to get married but to have the desire to do it. She elaborated by saying that she is very “confused” as to whether she wants to stay in the Church. She is not sure she wants to be married, but for her, if she wants to stay active she believes she has to be married. She said, “If I want to belong to the Church, I have to follow the rules. Just like when I came to this country. In order to stay, I have to keep the laws.” This belief that staying single is not an acceptable option for Church members was echoed by another participant, who said, “to even suggest…to suggest that somehow single women can become at peace with being single goes against everything that I’ve ever been taught in the Church.”

Ambivalence regarding marriage was most clear with Chantel. She stated, “A lot of the time I’m trying to fight with the idea of getting married and, of course you always have in the back of your mind saying, oh, it’s a good thing, it’s a good thing.” It is interesting to wonder what two sides are fighting within Chantel. It would appear that there is tension between the teachings she has grown up with and her personal desires. She goes on to say,

I grew up with a friend who knows me perfectly well, like--she’s not a Mormon though. And so at one point, she did ask me, she is like, do you really want to get married? Is that what you actually want? I mean, you’re taught that you should, that it’s something good, that it’s what you’re supposed to be doing but yeah…I was like…And it hit me, like, do I really want to get married? Do I want to go down that road? Like yes, you want to, like, go to the celestial kingdom and everything, like…I don’t know, though. I don’t know if it’s worth it [laughs] as horrible as that sounds. I’m like, is it even worth…I’m sure it is. Yes, it is. It is. But at the same time, I’m like…I don’t know…Also at the same—I know I don’t want to end up alone. Because I’m a very social person...”

This participant is expressing some reservations as to whether she truly wants to get married. At least one other Mormon woman has spoken about this in the literature; Watkins (2016) stated “I wonder if marriage is something I really want or something I’ve

86 just been told to want” (p. 83). It appears that for Chantel, there is real confusion as to what she wants for herself. She acknowledges she wants to reach the highest level of heaven (the “celestial kingdom” in Mormonism). However, even the promise of all that could come in that heaven does not make her sure that she wants to put up with getting married; she is not sure it is “worth it.” She also seems to believe that marriage is the only way to avoid “ending up alone.”

Another compelling example of the conflict between personal and Church- dictated wishes comes from Sarah. She said she came to realize over time that she enjoyed being single, which was a major realization. In fact, she stated that it took more emotional work for her to accept herself as single than as a queer person: “it’s almost…being okay with being single has actually in some ways been, like, a bigger paradigm shift than being okay with being queer.”

Discussion

According to Irby (2014), within conservative religions the “ideological power of marriage” weighs heavily on those who are not married. It is LDS doctrine that marriage (between a man and a woman) is essential to God’s plan (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995). As Holman (1992) states, “Marriage is more than a matter of social convention or individual need fulfillment in Latter-day Saint society and lifestyle; it is central to the exaltation of the individual person” (p. 855). Not just any marriage will do: it must be celestial marriage, or one that is performed in an LDS temple between a man and woman who are active, believing members of the Church. Bennion (2008) declares that Mormons on the fringe, in which category she includes singles, are seen as “problematic because they do not express the Mormon ideal of eternal marriage and kingdom building” (p. 136). Multiple research participants spoke about this experience of being seen by other Church members as problems. Worse, in Sofia’s case, where she and people like her were seen as “a waste.” Another issue was not being seen at all. Porter (2016) spoke about this; she said, as a single Mormon woman, she felt herself “becoming invisible” at church and feeling “increasingly unwelcome” (p. 156).

Since constructs of gender are so tied to marriage, it is challenging for unmarried people to navigate their gender and religious identity without it (Irby, 2014). Beaman (2001) found this to be true for the single Mormon women she spoke with. She

87 described an “interesting tension” that required single women to “negotiate the boundaries of church teachings to find a place for themselves” (p. 77). Kate and Diane spoke about their struggles with being seen as adults because they are single. Diane spoke about her desire to be recognized as a fully developed adult in spite of not achieving marriage. As O’Donnell et al. (1986) point out, in conservative religions marriage tends to be “the only way to be socially recognized as adult” (p. 78). Diane echoed O’Donnell et al. (1986) when they urged both the Church and wider society to affirm “formally the adulthood of the single” as is done for married people and priests or nuns, who receive formal celebrations that identify and bless their new identity.

There are also challenges when there are implicit messages that there is something wrong with you if you are single. The experience of being second-class as a single person, which many participants spoke about, is supported by official church practice. According to the current edition of the Encyclopedia of Mormonism (Young, 1992), when leaders consider two equally devout people for a church calling, they are more likely to extend the calling to the married individual. This suggests that married church members have more opportunities for institutional involvement than singles (Young, 1992). A recent quote from the current church president suggests that this way of viewing singles persists. In January 2018, Russell Nelson was appointed president of the Church. In the media events that followed, at least one reporter asked about the role of women in the Church going forward. President Nelson responded that “We love our wives and daughters” (Stack & Noyce, 2018). Mormon blogger Ardis Parshall commented that: “it wasn’t enough…for those of us who are nobody’s wives and nobody’s mothers, looking for a place in the Church. We needed a little bit more” (Stack & Noyce, 2018).

Sarah spoke of the work she had to do to become accepting of who she was as a single person. This suggests she had originally accepted the view imposed by the religious culture that single people are not legitimate and had to extend effort to counter it within herself. This presumably pertained to who she believed she was overall but also to her sexual self in particular. As Nelson (2001) states, the labels others use to describe our identities also establish what we are permitted to do. Similarly, Sofia made meaning of the negative messages about singles by ultimately deciding she did not believe them. This echoes the findings of Burke (2012) and Beaman (2001), who each found that re-

88 interpretation of religious doctrine or practice was a strategy that women in gender- traditional religions utilized to empower themselves.

In studies of unmarried conservative Christian women mentioned elsewhere (Aune, 2002; Sharma, 2011), researchers found that singleness can instigate an identity crisis for women regarding who they are and what God desires of them. As one woman stated, “A woman begins to fulfill her role as a good Christian woman when she becomes a wife. Until then, she is simply waiting” (Freitas as cited in Irby, 2014, p. 1275, emphasis original). It is possible this woman believes that being a “good [Christian] woman” entails self-sacrifice for one’s husband and children. If a woman’s identity is bound up in this self-sacrifice, it is likely that her self-esteem and self-worth are significantly impacted. This may be particularly if she is not married and does not have children. An unmarried woman may indeed feel that she is “worth” less. Hanson (2016) put it this way:

I grew up believing that my worth was based on my ability to attract and land a desirable man. Sure, it’s not just Mormonism— girls also get these sorts of negative messages about their own value and importance from the culture at large. But Mormon culture shouts them with a megaphone. (p. 200)

Indeed, Gill-Austern (2000) declared that the message that a woman’s identity is built on self-sacrifice can be a “handicapping indictment” against unmarried women (Gill- Austern, 2000).

While Church doctrine emphasizes the importance of marriage and family, most Mormon women today are not living within a traditional family unit (Bennion, 2008). As Bennion (2008) states, the “heterogeneous mix of single and often marginalized women actually represent the majority of female experiences in the Church” (emphasis in original) (p. 136). Furthermore, even if a Mormon woman is heterosexual and wants to marry a Mormon man, it is demographically impossible for all Mormon women to do so. There is a ratio of 90 males to 100 females on church membership records globally, though the discrepancy may be higher due to the fact that records do not indicate religious attendance or activity and women are more inclined than men to be affiliated and/or remain in institutional Christian religions (Irby, 2014; Sloan, Merrill & Merrill, 2014). What is known is that there are more Latter-day Saint women than men on every

89 continent but Africa (Sloan, Merrill & Merrill, 2014). As Gertrude said, “I don’t know how you get married in the Mormon singles world, because everywhere I go, it really is like, four to five women to one man.”

It is interesting to consider how a Mormon woman’s single status, and the possible stigma it carries, may impact her construction of her sexual self. As mentioned earlier, one constructs their identity within a complicated interaction between one’s own sense of self and others’ understanding of who one is (Nelson, 2001).The social context is particularly important for sexual identity development because of its expectations regarding sexual values and behaviours (Worthington et al., 2002). If a woman experiences herself as a whole as less legitimate because she is single, it is likely she will hold this same view of her sexual self but even more intensely, given the moral violations inherent in non-marital sexual activity (from the Mormon perspective).

Fundamentally, it appears that within the LDS faith, a sexual identity is seen as irrelevant for a single person. As Finlayson-Fife (2015) points out, there is a “deep- seated desire” among married Mormons to “pretend that the sexuality of single Mormons does not exist, or shouldn’t exist, if one is good.” Therefore, the struggle for single Mormons is against the total erasure of any sort of sexual identity. If this fundamental aspect of one’s identity is not supposed to exist, then single Mormons are prevented from forging strong relationships to themselves, inclusive of their sexuality (Finlayson- Fife, 2015). Melissa spoke of the “conditioning” she experienced regarding her sexuality:

Every message from the Church to women, whether subtle or overt, is “don’t attract attention to yourself, don’t behave in ways that make people think about your sexuality, don’t aspire to satisfy your sexual needs or create or ascertain your own sexual identity. Your only legitimate outlet for sexual activity or even sexual contemplation is within the confines of marriage and under the supervision of your spouse.”

Melissa described this as “soul-killing.”

Sofia’s experience of stigma led her to stop attending church. Gradually, after she did so, she came to view non-marital sex not as the “evil act” she had been taught it was but simply a “natural” act between adults. While an active participant in LDS services, she had developed very few of the aspects of Worthington et al. (2002)’s

90 sexual identity model. She had an awareness of her sexual desires, which awareness she spoke of as causing her pain. As she related:

I had those thoughts…and I asked my…the therapist, uh, what is this? I cannot! And she was like, “well, Sofia, you are thirty-five. Your body is just asking those things and it’s like, it’s part of being human. It’s like air…it’s like food”…and then I’m like, well, I don’t want it. It was just so painful.

In terms of other aspects of the sexual identity model, Sofia had been taught LDS values around sexuality, but clearly there was a great deal of dissonance for her personally between what she felt and what was considered appropriate. As with Sarah, it appears Sofia was not able to develop personal values until she disaffiliated. Her sexual “values” were imposed on her and there was no room for any variance. When Sarah left the Church, she developed an awareness of the ways she wanted to express herself sexually. As Worthington et al. (2002) point out, a person’s levels of exploration and commitment in terms of defining their sexuality can be significantly impacted by the person’s level of religiosity.

Navigating the emphasis on heterosexual marriage is even more difficult for gay and lesbian participants. Mormon leaders published a proclamation on the family just over two decades ago that enshrines the religion’s emphasis on the traditional family and excludes single and/or LGBTQ individuals (Bushman, 2015). This means that the Church disputes the fundamental “legitimacy” of LGBTQ desires, relationships and identities (Irby, 2014). This issue will be discussed further in a later section.

“Being female in the Church [is] open to patronization quite a bit”: Limits on women’s authority

Gender roles and agency

Within Mormon doctrine is the unique belief in a Heavenly Mother, described as the wife of God (Heavenly Father), and co-creator of worlds with him (Cannon, 1992). It could be empowering for LDS women to be aware of this divine female figure. However, there is very little spoken of Heavenly Mother in Mormonism. Mormons do not hear about her character, actions, sphere of responsibility or anything else. Sarah said, “There [is] this female figure who’s really important and is really comforting to know

91 about the existence of, and yet she’s solely defined by her relationship to other men. She doesn’t exist outside of her marriage to God or her being a mother.” Nor is she spoken of as an agentic being.

Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, stated that an individual must know the character of God in order to know themselves. It seems likely that this lack of information about the paragon of divine femininity ((i.e., that to which women should aspire) limits women from knowing themselves (Steenblik, 2017). Sarah said the lack of dialogue around Heavenly Mother as someone with agency or responsibilities “definitely” impacted how she saw herself.

Kate spoke of spending a lot of time as a youth “hunting” to find out more about Heavenly Mother. She said she would be:

searching, searching, searching, and all I could find was just a lot of…a lot of very pretty, nice language, very complimentary language. Nothing that was very concrete, that was very defined, other than, wife-mother. And…every time I get down on my knees and I pray, I am filled with a sense that there is more than that. That there is…that there is worlds more than that of my worth and abilities. And I remember, I kept asking my bishop, over and over again, I was like, really, really trying to understand, what is my role. What is all women’s role? What…what role do we play in this next life or in the temple or like…. I want to understand. And he kept saying, well when you go to the temple, you’ll understand more. It will answer all these questions. When you go to the temple, it’ll answer all these questions.

It is curious that this participant’s spiritual leader did not choose to or was not able to answer those questions himself. Topics discussed in the temple are seen as too sacred to discuss outside of it (Kane, 2018). However, women’s roles are not something one would expect to fall under this category. Given that in Mormon doctrine and culture the roles of wife and mother are held up as the pinnacle of women’s achievement (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995), perhaps the bishop did not have a conceptualization of what Mormon women’s roles are beyond wife and mother.

92 Kate went on to say that when she did attend the temple, she did not find answers to her questions. She ending up developing her own theory as to why Heavenly Mother is not spoken of more in Mormonism:

You would have to look at Heavenly Mother as her own person, and if you talk about roles, gender roles or whatever, you can’t sit there and look at God being the only person doing all the work and Heavenly Mother’s just over there, you know, penitently just sitting behind him, just going gosh, gee whiz, God’s so great.

It was apparent that Kate chose to view the lack of information about Heavenly Mother as a result of the patriarchy. To talk more about a divine female’s role in supervising all of creation, equal partner with God, could be a threat to the patriarchal power structures of the religion. That is, when those with power believe that there is a finite supply of it and empowering women means, by definition, diminishing the power of men.

Deference to male authority

According to my participants, sitting passively does appear to be what is expected of Mormon women in certain contexts. Kate speaks of it in regards to the system of dating in the Church: “The society already sets [men] up to be in the place of choosing their spouses. And women just sit there, you know, it’s like…it’s like we’re a litter of kittens, just hoping that someone chooses us.” What appears implicit in this description is the powerlessness Kate and potentially other women feel when it comes to marriage. It appears Kate is speaking about the dependence and lack of autonomy she has sensed in this arena. It also seems that Kate is observing tacit resignation to the system as is, as evidenced by women “just hoping” they get chosen rather than exercising agency, (i.e., by choosing someone themselves or by going beyond the choices in men that are available).

Deference to male authority is an ingrained part of Mormon church culture. This deference was discussed by numerous participants, though some spoke of it more directly than others. Kate spoke of receiving this message from her family in regards to

93 dating. She described how her parents responded if she told them she was not interested in a particular Mormon male:

if he’s a nice guy, and he was Mormon, and he had a temple recommend and he was a returned missionary…Kate, why wouldn’t you go out with him? Why wouldn’t you, you know, let him enjoy your company? And I’m like…it was always this obligation that I didn’t really have a say. Or I had a say, but I only had 49% say....[because the guy’s] desires and what they wanted to do really always trumped…um…whether or not I felt a connection…or anything like that.

It is interesting that Kate uses “49%”. A sole one percent difference would seem to be insignificant. Church authority would probably describe it that way. Yet for Kate that one percent makes all the difference as to whether her desires are seen as important as her male date’s.

Another example of deference occurred in a bishop’s interview Fatima experienced. It appeared she disagreed with his decision but, in keeping with expectations, accepted it anyway. She had scheduled a bishop’s interview and disclosed that she had had oral sex with a partner. She described what happened during the interview thus:

My bishop gave me a year of not being able to go to the temple. I remember saying to him like, you know, like…I said oral sex, right? Like, not sexual intercourse. No penetration or anything....And he’s like yeah, I know…because you’ve been endowed [made more significant religious commitments], that’s what’s going to happen. Like, okay. And I was devastated.

Fatima frames her question to him as an effort to make sure he heard her correctly rather than an overt challenge of his authority. Although she questioned the bishop’s decision, the feeling of devastation she described is one she immediately linked to her own prior action rather than from a decision that may or may not have been fair. The meaning she ascribes to this feeling was this: “I was totally humbled and devastated because I just couldn’t believe that I had made that kind of mistake and I felt like a weak person. I don’t know, it was really hard.” While she wondered whether the punishment was appropriate, she accepted it. By doing so, it appears she also accepted the accompanying conclusion that she was a very sinful person to receive such a severe

94 punishment. She concluded that the fault was hers. In a recent Mormon #MeToo essay, another Mormon woman (Adams, 2017) reports a similar view of culpability but in some disturbing situations. She said:

A constant theme in my early life was that of men who had an obligation to protect me and to respect me, instead committing numerous small acts of petty domination, verbal threatening, and entitled abuses of authority. In general, I did not see their behavior as an abuse of power. Instead, I often saw fault in myself. In my home, in school, and at church I was taught to submit to the authority of the men in my life.

Both these women followed expectations by deferring to male authority, viewing this as the appropriate way to demonstrate obedience. They did not necessarily agree with the leader’s decisions but they accepted them because they viewed the decisions as coming from God. It is likely the women concluded, for the same reason, that they deserved the punishment or negative treatment they received. Capitulating to the bishop’s view may have impacted the way they constructed their identities. Fatima may not have gone into her interview thinking of herself as a serious sinner. But by accepting the serious sanction she received, she had to accept that it was handed out because that is what she was. She may have had to adjust her view of herself to a worse person than she had believed she was.

Fatima, however, seemed to weary of the extreme variances she experienced in bishop’s interviews and decided that she must rely on herself as an authority. She said, “I feel like I should make my own standards of what I should do and what I shouldn’t…and shouldn’t, like, base those boundaries on what I’m afraid my bishop is going to tell me. So I think that’s one thing that I’ve learned from these recent experiences.”

Difficult to trust oneself

When women have been trained from a young age to defer to male authority and have many experiences over many years of doing so, it can become very difficult for them to trust themselves. Melissa stated that she was not able to be herself and implied

95 that she did not even know who she was while she was affiliated with the Church. She reflected on her journey of figuring out who she is now, saying:

After 45 years of not being me, of whoever I thought I was expected to be, it has been a really interesting journey to just sit back and ask myself what I think from time to time.

When I commented that it sounded like she was on a journey of restoring herself, she replied, “yeah, or figuring out who that self ever was.”

It appears that it had not been natural for Melissa to be aware of her own opinions. She also speaks of an experience where she was aware of how she felt, but did not give it much credence because she did not see herself as an authority. It occurred during a moment of great significance in her life: her marriage ceremony. She related:

[The officiant asked] do you promise to give yourself to [your husband]? And I said I do. And I gave myself to him but he didn’t do the same. His promise was that he would dedicate his life to God and making sure that we both got there.

This experience raised some concerns for her. She related:

I mean I was a deer in the headlights, I had no idea it was going to be that….And at the end [sighs], I was walking around…so that’s it? I’m married? Yay [laughs]. Somehow this doesn’t feel like what I thought it was going to feel like. But I kept thinking, you know, if this is what everybody else has done, it must be fine, it must be okay, it must be okay going forward, everybody else is doing it

R: …You’ve ticked the last box…

M: it’s okay, it’s going to be okay, you must not be doing it right, you must not have understood, you don’t get it, you’re too stupid, you have no clue…

R: so you took the responsibility on yourself of figuring it out. There was something wrong with you rather than with the experience or the situation.

M: yeah. Exactly.

96 Melissa did not feel what she was “supposed” to feel upon getting married. One would expect to feel excitement, happiness and hope for the future on their wedding day, but Melissa seemed to feel let down and disappointed that it was not more special. She made meaning of this by concluding that the error lay with her and rather harshly berated herself for this supposed error. She also told herself that “everybody else” had gone through the same process and so that must make it okay. Melissa chose to silence her uneasy feelings rather than explore them, and in doing so silenced herself.

Expected deference to leaders and preference for “spiritual” over rational knowing can mean that when individuals use their reason to make decisions that go outside the expected church norms, or even have feelings that aren’t what they are “supposed” to feel, the knee-jerk reaction may be to assume that it must be the devil, or Satan, at work, leading the person away from God. As Sarah said,

I can remember going outside under this tree and praying to feel guilty about masturbating so that I could repent of it, because I didn’t feel guilty about it at all. But…I read something or someone said in a religion class that you know, if you can’t even feel guilty about something, it’s because your heart is like, so far away from God and it’s been like so hardened that you can’t even feel these things….it was awful! And so I sort of, I thought that for a while, but then…Even during that time, when I was thinking maybe, you know, maybe I had sinned so much that I didn’t even feel the Spirit anymore, I still felt that same connection to whatever that was that I had felt all along and so that was, there was some dissonance there.

Sarah was aware that she did not feel any guilt for masturbating but was not able to trust this feeling. Instead of relying on her intuition, her default response was to wonder if she was even more evil than she had thought. She went to the extreme of wondering if she had distanced herself from God because of serious sin. However, Sarah was also aware that she continued to be able to feel God’s presence. She had to decide what to do about the dissonance. She said she realized that either her feelings were “wrong” or the teachings of the Church were. She said, “I think that was sort of the first, the first sort of crack in my, you know, needing to be, needing to follow all of the teachings of the Church, as I was like, maybe the Church is wrong.” Sarah initially wondered if there was something fundamentally wrong with her, as Melissa had.

97 However, she eventually concluded that this did not make sense, which led her to wondering if perhaps what she had been taught by Church leaders was not correct.

Another participant, Fatima, also struggled with the appropriate response to masturbation. She related that she asked a bishop about it and he told her it was not something to worry about, or in other words it was not something that he saw as preventing her from maintaining a temple recommend. She said she had always thought masturbation was a serious sin so she was surprised by the bishop’s leniency. She then spoke of engaging in masturbation and feeling less guilty, but unsure as to why. For her, it was very difficult to distinguish between her own feelings, the guidance of her Church leader and the Spirit of God. She said:

Usually there’s this guilt, and then I wasn’t feeling guilty anymore. Well like, not, I don’t want to say the guilt was gone completely, but it was definitely lessened. And so that also caused me to evaluate, like, am I feeling less guilty because the Spirit is telling me that I shouldn’t…and I don’t know if that’s because, you know, the Lord…um, like, since that conversation with my bishop, the Lord was like, yeah Fatima, it’s really not that big of a deal?

I sensed this decrease in guilt was concerning to Fatima and asked if that was the case. She replied:

Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. Because I feel like, because I’ve always felt guilty for it, and so all of a sudden not feeling as guilty….It’s just like, it’s weird. I’m just not used to not feeling guilty about it.

I reflected that it felt like there is something wrong and she agreed. She goes on to describe herself as someone who always wants to go by the rules and who wants to be a good member of the Church. This implies that she is concerned she is not obeying the rules anymore. But now she is faced with a dilemma: who should she allow to determine the rules? Should it be herself or the bishop or the Spirit of God? It seems that for her, the goalpost has suddenly moved and it is unnerving. Perhaps there are some subconscious questions that have not quite surfaced yet as well. Maybe Fatima will ask herself questions about whether she can trust her own feelings of guilt, if this is where the goalpost was all along.

98 At least one participant shared a perspective demonstrating that she was able to trust herself. Sarah had disaffiliated with the Church and spoke of living a happy life. Given that the message in Mormonism is that staying Mormon gives one the best likelihood for having a happy life, I asked her the following:

I can imagine that some active Mormons would say to you, well, it’s all well and good that you’re feeling happy with your life and etc., but it sounds like you’re just, you know, making up your own gospel in order to satisfy yourself. What would you say to people like that?

She responded:

S: you know, I’ve thought about that a lot, because I’ve heard that. Not to me because I don’t, I try not to get into these discussions with really active Mormons, but I’ve definitely heard that in people’s church talks and things like, oh my sister’s gay and she says she’s happy but it’s just Satan or whatever.

R: [laughs]

S: and I think, you know what. You know, I very much might be creating God in my own image, and I’m actually okay with that, because who’s to say that Mormons aren’t.

R: [laughs] bam! Drop the mic!

S: [laughs] yeah. The more I’ve allowed myself to--and some people step away from Mormonism because they start having problems with the history and the truth claims, and that wasn’t why I stepped away. But now that I’ve stepped away, I’ve allowed myself to explore some of those problems with the history of the truth claims and I am not at all convinced that Mormonism is something that came from God…I might be fully making all of this up to make myself feel good about life, and I think that’s great. And I think we should do that. I think we should create our own mythologies if they’re going to help us feel, you know, fulfilled and connected, because I think if there is a God, then whatever God is transcends all of this understanding and when we get there at the end, God’s not going to be like, well you should’ve gone to the Church down the street, sorry, you’re going to

99 hell now. I think God is just going to be happy that we came up with some sort of framework to help us live happy lives and be good to each other.

While Sarah had initially struggled with knowing whether to trust her feelings versus what the Church dictated, the conflict was an impetus towards building greater self-trust. Now she has a perspective quite far from what the Church would approve of but seems secure in it. She expresses that she is happy with the understanding she has and does not appear to question herself. In fact, she suggests how important it is to develop one’s own perspective by advocating this for everyone when she says she thinks we should “create our own mythologies.” Given where she has come from—a religious culture where only one story or “mythology” is allowed—this seems to be quite a significant achievement.

It is important to note that my response of laughing and then saying “Bam! Drop the mic!” likely influenced the direction of the conversation with Sarah. This was a point at which I failed to maintain a neutral interviewing stance. My hope in responding the way I did was to let Sarah know that although she was speaking with a fellow Mormon, she was in a safe space to discuss her sexual orientation. It was my attempt to communicate my identification as an LG2TBQI ally and thereby communicate I was interested in her experience in a non-judgmental way. Sarah responded by elaborating on her perspective and shared some other views with which a more traditional Mormon would likely not agree.

Discussion

Scholars disagree on whether roles for LDS women have increased or decreased in the last century. Beaman (2001) found one study that argued the Church has become more accepting of non-traditional roles (i.e., women doing paid work outside the home), while another study argued that LDS women’s roles have narrowed significantly as compared with their roles in the 19th and early 20th centuries, when they were administering blessings, autonomously running their own women’s organization and advocating for women’s suffrage. Mormon sociologists Cornwall (1994) and Mauss (as cited in Kane, 2018) have averred that institutionally speaking, roles for LDS women were retracted as the Church grew. Where women had once performed priesthood ordinances, supported in doing so by the Church’s founding prophet Joseph Smith, by

100 1946 they were banned from doing so by way of official pronouncement from church leadership (Kane, 2018). Around the same time, a shift occurred wherein women’s roles began to be redefined as mothers, homemakers and wives (Kane, 2018).

Social research has found that the role and identity of mother, “glorified” through intense Church campaigns beginning in the 1950s, became “central to definitions of LDS femininity” (Kane, 2018, p. 100). The current conceptualization of gender in Mormonism is “a set of complementary roles that emphasize women’s domesticity and men’s leadership” (Irby, 2014, p. 1274). These theoretically balance each other out within a heterosexual marriage. However, if wifehood and motherhood are the key pieces that determine femininity in LDS women, it is not clear how a single Mormon woman without a husband or children develops a feminine identity. In addition, if there is no place for the non-wife feminine, this devalues women’s ways of knowing and being (Mackelprang, 1994).

This lack of legitimacy of women’s knowing is perhaps one of the reasons participants described such difficulty with trusting themselves. According to Barlow (2015), in Mormonism there is a preference for “prophetic over intellectual authority…obedience over questioning…communal loyalty over independent thought, and intuition and spiritual promptings over unaided reason as the primary form of intelligence” (p. 234). It is likely that this tension is exacerbated for Mormon women, as men hold virtually all authority over women’s spiritual lives (Finlayson-Fife, 2002).

Men’s leadership constitutes the Church hierarchy. When Mormon boys turn 12 years old, if they are deemed worthy they receive the priesthood, or the power and authority by which the Church is directed, and are ordained to the position and title of “deacon” (Ellsworth & Luthy, 1992). At 14, boys receive greater responsibilities and are ordained to the position and title of “teacher.” At 16, boys receive even greater responsibilities and are ordained to the position and title of “priest.” There are further levels of leadership beyond that such as bishop (leader of the local congregation) and numerous others (Ellsworth & Luthy, 1992). By contrast, when girls turn 12, they receive the label “beehive” (a pioneer symbol in Mormonism). At 14 they receive the label of “Mia Maid” and at 16 the label “Laurel.” Girls do not at any point in this progression receive any congregation-wide responsibilities. This means that women are excluded

101 from both instrumental and spiritual practices of the priesthood and from holding corresponding positions of church leadership and administration (Kane, 2018).

McBaine (2012) points out that these rites of passage are significant for boys and play a major role in the narratives around youth in the Church, but can cause pain for girls and their mothers. Not only that, females learn from a young age that they do not belong in leadership roles. As Madsen (as cited in Alberty & Ingraham, 2018) puts it, “You just don't see women leading when you're a girl, and then you don't think women should lead.” While their male counterparts are being groomed for leadership, females are being systematically devalued. Melissa commented on this further:

That devaluation occurs both systematically and progressively, to the point that by the time a girl is of marriageable age, she no longer has any value in the culture except for that of being a wife/mother. If she doesn’t marry promptly and move into the Relief Society [women’s organization] rank and file, the Church has no idea what to do with her because she can’t be assigned any meaningful responsibilities in the Church without a spouse to oversee her activities. It’s an unwritten rule, but it’s definitely a rule. There really is no place for the single female in Mormondom. Giving a single woman responsibility is tantamount to rewarding her for refusing to marry, and heaven forbid that should ever happen.

Feminist psychologist Rachel Hare-Mustin (1994) has stated that “in the face of male authority, women are expected to give way” (p. 24). Finlayson-Fife (2016) points out a deeply systemized example of this in LDS culture, seen in the differences between lesson titles in the Church’s worldwide manuals for young men and young women (ages 12-18). The young men’s manual has a lesson on marriage titled “Choosing an eternal companion,” demonstrating an agentic position, while the reciprocal lesson for the young women is titled “Preparing to become an eternal companion,” demonstrating a nonagentic position. Finlayson-Fife highlights the supposition here that males act from a place of agency, as they “actively choose” a wife, and females do not. She states there is a “presumption of female nonagency as women in relative passivity prepare to be chosen” (Finlayson-Fife, 2016, p. 250).

When LDS girls and women are taught that their roles are primarily wives and mothers, that they do not belong in leadership and that they should defer to male

102 authority, it is no wonder that these research participants have difficulties knowing and trusting themselves. These difficulties can manifest in many aspects of their lives and identities, whether that be work, social, family or sexual identity. As a woman constructs an understanding of herself as a sexual person in particular, she will be influenced by multiple factors: the persistence of the messages she receives in her social world, where the messages originate from, the level of investment she makes in the messengers, her own values, her age and life stage and her sexual self-construction at the time (Daniluk, 1998; Laws, 1980). Her understanding will also be influenced by the past (i.e., her personal history), the present and her desires for the future (Weeks, 1985). It appears that Melissa, Sarah and Fatima’s struggles with self-doubt and guilt are a result of, in part, the messages they have received at church. Two other Mormon women have written about this experience. Both Hardy (2013) and Baker (2010) commented on not feeling guilt they expected to feel for participating in sexual acts they believed were sinful. They both expressed feeling puzzled at the lack of guilt. Like Sarah, Hardy (2013) wondered if it was because she had become so sinful she could not receive messages from God anymore.

The participants demonstrated significant investment in the Church as arbiter of religious commitment and ceremony: Melissa got married in a Mormon temple and the other two women confessed what they believed were sins to a bishop. With this level of investment in the institution, it is likely the women will accept the messages they receive from it. This is troubling if those messages have a negative impact on their identity, self- worth and ability to trust themselves, particularly if the messages are said to originate in “divine inspiration.”

Struggles with patriarchal structures and resulting disempowerment were also main themes in the literature review. Leaving the church in order to find empowerment or embody one’s sexuality was a theme in two studies and two of the Mormon women’s memoirs. Five of this study’s 10 participants had left the Church for similar reasons.

Many of this study’s participants also spoke about difficulties trusting themselves due to a strong belief in external leaders and authority. Sutton (2009) examined this and found that for her participants, the more connected they felt to their internal authority, the more they resisted harmful religious teachings regarding women’s silence and submission.

103 “The Mormon woman definition of selfish”: Limits on women’s needs

Gertrude spoke about the messaging that occurs regarding the appropriateness, or proper place, for women’s desires. She says, “As a Mormon woman, you’re kind of taught, you know, don’t be selfish, put others first, especially your husband.” I clarified that by saying that it seemed this really meant, don’t give any value or weight to your own desires. Gertrude replied, “Yeah. Yeah. Which of course…it’s not the best definition. But a Mormon woman definition.”

At least two participants indeed described themselves as “selfish” because they had desires that were not in keeping with expectations regarding marriage. Chantel said: “I really like being single and I don’t have to worry about like, the whole sexual tension and I don’t have to worry about that whole…committing to changing your life for someone else. Which is a super selfish thing to do.” Sarah had very similar words:

It’s going to be a struggle to give up being single, because I actually love being single. I love living on my own, I love being in charge of my own stuff, you know, I love being able to have just a casual relationship if that’s what I want, um, I actually love all of those things, and that is not even remotely okay in Mormonism. That’s like, selfish, and you know, it’s against the plan and you’re not going to go to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom…

These participants had different nationalities, sexual orientations and ages but had somehow both absorbed the exact same message: to not want to be married is “selfish” and wrong.

Gertrude speaks of a definition of “selfish” specific to Mormon culture. From a discourse theory perspective, language and meaning-making are controlled by those in power (Hare-Mustin, 1994). Discursive practices reflect and reenact power relations (Hare-Mustin, 1994). Endorsing the idea that a woman is “selfish” if she gives her desires as much weight as a man’s seems to be a powerful way of exercising control. Though at least one participant definitively stated she does not accept this attempt at control. Melissa said “I don’t like to be told, over and over and over again, that what I need and want is secondary to what some guy wearing a tie may need and want…simply because he’s a guy wearing a tie.” When I reflected that fundamentally, it

104 was an issue of inequality, she replied “Yeah, it just doesn’t jibe and I’m not going to pretend.” However, Melissa went on to say that for the first 50 years of her life, she pretended this inequality was okay because she did not know how to exert her own will in a way that did not fly in the face of her cultural conditioning. She simply did not feel she could seek out what she wanted at the expense of what the males in her life wanted of her.

Chantel also spoke about her difficulty navigating a male’s expectations of her in an experience at college. A fellow student had expressed interest in her for an entire semester. She did not return his interest, but one day found out that he had a special code for a video game she enjoyed playing. He offered to exchange a code in return for some cuddling. This is what happened next:

At the end of the semester, he’s like, hey, you owe me a cuddle. And I’m like oh, I guess I do, and so I was just over at like, a friend’s house and we were watching a movie and he like, put his arms around me and I just felt so uncomfortable the whole time, like the whole time I felt like I had just sold myself for a stupid game and I was like, this is just not right. And nothing was happening, he just had his arms around me and everything, but I was still, I just felt nasty. This is not… I don’t like the situation... And yeah, that wasn’t, like, nothing happened or anything like that, but at the same time, I felt like I had sold myself for like, cheap. For nothing.

Chantel describes rather intense self-recrimination (“I felt nasty; “I had sold myself”), taking upon herself the responsibility to say no and viewing it as a poor decision that she did not. It appears she did not consider that western culture has taught women to please others and deny themselves (Jack, 1991). Luckily Chantel was able to learn and grow from the situation. She went on to express feeling angry about what happened and said:

Actually it was a good thing though, because it taught me to like, if anything, it made me even more conscious of like, when to say no, that I’m not comfortable with the situation….And from that experience now if any guy says, like, ooh, you owe me this, I’m like, no I don’t! I do not owe you for anything.

105 Melissa spoke of rather more extreme problems in her marriage because of inequality, both in general and sexually. She stated, “We worked and played very well together as long as we had a common goal. It was, all this stuff that had anything to do with me having an identity of my own that he struggled with. As long as I didn’t make any demands, we got along great.” Sexually speaking, “he just wanted to be the one in charge,” she said. “If it was like his idea, he was all over it. But if it wasn’t, no interest at all.” When asked how her ex-husband’s lack of interest in acknowledging her identity and sexual desires affected her current relationship with her sexuality, she said,

M: it’s a really good question. [Pause] it’s no--easier for me to just ignore it

R: to ignore your sexuality, you mean?

M: yeah. Just not worry about it.

R: because that was your experience…

M: that’s what I did for so long, what I needed or wanted was irrelevant anyway. I’m good at pretending it’s just not an issue.

Melissa learned over time not to pay attention to her own desires. Now, even though she is divorced and on her own, her conditioning is such that she continues to ignore her desires.

Discussion

As Worthington et al. (2002) have theorized, a woman’s identity as a sexual being will be strongly influenced by how deeply they internalize gender role expectations and norms. Melissa spent many years being taught that as a woman, she must put her needs second. This constant lack of attention to her needs became such a habit for her that now, even though she is on her own, she is struggling to understand what they are and whether they are important. It appears that Melissa absorbed the message from an external source (her ex-husband) that her sexuality and sexual desires were “irrelevant.” Although her marriage is over, this belief continues to guide her behaviour. This downplaying or perhaps even sublimating of her sexual desires is problematic in a number of ways. It may have serious impacts on her mental, emotional and spiritual well-being and may impact her view of her sexual self. If she believes that what she

106 wants is not very important, she may deny herself her desires in various aspects of life. If this occurs on a regular basis, this repression can lead to ruptures within the self, creating a fragmented being. Her identity will be in large part based on the things that seem important from the point of view of others (Nelson, 2001), not on internal, personal standards. As mentioned in the literature review, it has been theorized that a woman can develop a healthy identity only when she rejects traditional norms and develops an inner sense of self.

Chantel also struggled with whose needs took precedence in an intimate situation. Second-wave feminism asserts that in patriarchal systems, women are required to manage men’s sexual behaviour but they are also supposed to be “proper” women who defer to men’s wishes and needs. This which creates a very difficult situation for women in which they must not give in to men’s sexual overtones but still remain kind (Brownmiller, 1975 and Tolman and Higgins, 1996, as cited in Finlayson- Fife, 2016). Since these contradictions are so difficult to navigate, women are vulnerable to feelings of shame and guilt for being involved in sexual activity that devalues them and for not stopping the behaviour in the first place (Tolman and Higgins, 1996, as cited in Finlayson-Fife, 2016).

As far as a spiritual self goes, some religious feminists believe that for women, the work of accepting one’s own desires is fundamental to developing one’s spirituality. Religious studies professor Joann Wolski Conn (1996) asserts that:

Most feminist issues are also spirituality issues because they focus on self- transcendence [which includes] mutuality rather than domination in female-male relationships….Spiritual direction cannot be fruitful unless one has the ability to heighten awareness of what one really wants in life and how one really feels in God’s presence. Women conditioned to role conformity, to self-doubt, and to dependence find it quite difficult to get in touch with their deepest desires or to be peacefully present to God who calls them friend, not child or servant. Freedom and friendship require significant decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences. Until women become more secure in addressing feminist issues they will be insecure in the very prerequisites for mature spirituality. (p. 12)

107 Self-silencing has negative impacts on an individual from a more global perspective. Jack (2011) has found that:

Self-silencing contributes to a fall in self-esteem and feelings of a ‘‘loss of self’’ as a woman experiences, over time, the self-negation required to bring herself into line with schemas directing feminine interpersonal behavior. (p. 525)

This silencing means that a woman is prevented from acting on her own agency or motivations, which can have serious detrimental impacts on her self-development. Furthermore, self-silencing significantly correlates with symptoms of depression in women and adolescents across a wide range of context and cultures (Jack, 2011).

“Satan’s mistress”: Delegitimized sexuality

In keeping with church messages that sexual desire is not appropriate for single people (Finlayson-Fife, 2016), and both church and larger societal messages that it threatens women’s “purity” or is “unfeminine,” the vast majority of study participants did not speak of having sexual desire. Women spoke of sexual experiences inside and outside of marriage, but almost exclusively spoke of their own passivity during the acts. They linked this passivity to religious reasons. Either they believed the activity would lead to marriage, which they saw as more important than an infraction of the law of chastity, or they believed the activity was less of a sin if they were not active participants.

Ideas about women’s “purity”

Kate described how even talking about sex with other Mormons negatively impacted their view of her. She said,

I remember I had people who told me that…well you know, I used to think that Kate was pretty, and then I heard how she talked about really sacred things, and I just don’t think she’s pretty anymore. And I was like, sacred things - ? And I had a friend tell me this, and I’m like, what do they mean, and they’re like, well, you know, you just talk about sex.

108 For Kate, her openness to discussing sexuality led to being seen as not “pretty anymore.” If the culture creates a belief that talking about sex is taboo, then those who do so run the risk of being shunned.

It is likely that societal and cultural constraints, as well as (a fear of) shame, prevented all but one of ten participants from speaking about their own sexual desire at all, whether it was attraction or the physical dimension of their desire. Sexuality was described in terms of what the women permitted or did not permit their partners to do. Gertrude said “I let him touch skin, and boobs, because… and then I talk to other single Mormon women who are dating non-member men…And you just can’t have him not touch the boobs. He’s going to do it and pushing him away makes him think you’re a real nut.” Gertrude appeared to allow sexual activity because of information from peers and a fear of being seen as crazy. What she actually wanted from her partner in that moment is unknown. During the member check, she stated that part of her wanted to have sex with him while another part of her felt relieved and enamoured with him because he respects her boundaries.

The women did not speak about what they actually wanted, sexually speaking. Furthermore, they almost always framed sexual activity occurring because of negative external factors, such as fear or a lack of self-control. Fatima blamed her sexual activity on her lack of spiritual commitment. She said, “I was in a weak spiritual place at the time and we--[clears throat] we had oral sex.” Given that she does not speak of her own desire, it is unclear whether the sex was consensual. In other situations, she speaks of what she did sexually in the context of disclosing it to her bishop as part of her repentance process.

Kate speaks of her rationale for having sex with her fiancé being that she “could not have been more in love, more connected, um, to someone.” She did not speak about being sexually attracted to him, but did talk about the chemistry between them. As she put it:

what kind of led up to that was, I mean, slow, steady, like the relationship got more physical and more physical. Even though we would try and stop, and then like, we’d be good for two weeks and then, you know, we’d start kissing and it would just be like electricity all over the place.

109 It appeared that for Kate in this moment, sex was the natural next step in the expression of love and attraction that she and her partner felt for one another. It seems that she viewed the presence of love as legitimizing her sexuality.

Another participant, Gertrude, spoke more openly than the others about her sexual desire, for example she described a trip home to her husband feeling “excited because I know I’m going to have sex tonight.” However, she seemed to problematize her experience of desire. She speaks of her desire stemming from being “sexually reactive,” which she appears to link to a experience of sexual assault by a Mormon teenager in childhood. She said:

I’ve been through a lot of therapy and it has all kind of come back clearly through the years and I say all this to explain, it made me, like most molested people, sexually react. You know about sex from a very early age…[which was] a real struggle in the Mormon world, to really want and like sex and think, you know… kind of known about it longer or something, too, in a world where they do seem to try and suppress it.

It appears that Gertrude believes her appreciation and interest in sex is linked to being molested as a child. While this may or may not be the case, viewing it this way enables Gertrude to attribute the source of her desire to something external to her, or in other words imposed by circumstances rather than something inherent within her. Simply feeling desire for its own sake, as a natural part of being human, does not appear to be legitimate for her.

Given the women’s general lack of acknowledgement of their own sexuality or sexual desires, it is not clear how the participants saw themselves. At least one participant stated that she was not sure she even was a person with sexual desires. Perhaps other women had the same question. Or perhaps women felt they could acknowledge that they were sexual beings but only if they followed that by stating they needed to be in control of their desires at all times or, as in Fatima’s case, mention it in the context of repentance.

It is likely that speaking to another Mormon woman, myself as the researcher, made participants wary. As a fellow member of the religion, I may have been seen as

110 more likely to understand the challenges, but also more likely to judge because of knowing exactly what the boundary violations are.

The vast majority of participants spoke about acting passively in the sexual realm, yet also placed almost all responsibility for “wrongdoing” on themselves. A few women were able to act assertively in regards to their desires. Each of these will be discussed in turn.

Acting passively

Similar to one of the main themes found in the literature review, many participants reported a lack of discussion regarding sexuality at both church and home. It appears that the lack of knowledge and education on this topic meant women did not realize they had a choice in how they acted. Nor did they have skills to communicate what they wanted or how they felt. The only thing that was clear was the expectation to accommodate another’s wishes and put their own needs second.

Some felt that engaging in sexual activity was required in order to achieve the ultimate goal of marriage. Sarah said,

There was this other guy that I dated, “dated,” for about a month. He was my friend’s roommate. And he was pushing me to be like, really sexual, and I wasn’t interested, but I sort of did some things. Like we made out, we would have, like, phone sex, which was so awkward because I didn’t know what to say, and he would be like on the other line, like…and he was really into it, and I was sort of like, I was like, probably playing computer games while I was trying to say sexy things to him…. Somehow I thought that having phone sex with this random guy was going to lead me to a temple marriage.

Kate said she did not even know how many things she had let happen to her sexually when she did not want them. As she put it, “I didn’t want to say no in a way that made [the guys] not want to go out with me again. Um… I didn’t want them to stop wanting me or desiring me, that somehow them desiring me was the pinnacle of my creation.” Kate clarified this to mean that she had received numerous messages that it was very important she be desired by men because this would result in marriage. She said that

111 her own desire was not discussed but she was taught that being desired was the ultimate achievement.

Neither Sarah nor Kate felt there was any room in this scenario for their own desires (or lack thereof). Somehow, for them there was a direct line from sexual accommodation to temple marriage. The narrative was one of a romantic fairy tale where everything would turn out all right in the end. The women’s consent was never sought. At the time, neither seemed to realize they could even choose whether to consent, therefore they did not see they were in a position where it was being violated. This lack of knowledge was echoed by others. As Chantel said, “when I was put in that situation, I didn’t know that was really an option to like, say, hey, I actually don’t like this, I don’t feel comfortable.”

Even if women knew they were uncomfortable, they stated they did not feel capable of communicating it. Gertrude said, “He was touching me and stuff like this already, and I was a little bit nervous. Like no, I didn’t know what to do with it.” When Melissa spoke of the sexual issues in her marriage, she said “I didn’t have the tools I needed to communicate that I was not happy, that I was feeling neglected, that I had needs that were going unmet.” Sadly, she went on to say that the marriage lasted longer than it should have because she was trying to figure out how to communicate what she needed with no way of knowing how to do it. Kate summed it up well when she said,

I remember my family always raised me to say no. Oh, say no, just say no. But they never told me how to say no….There was never an entire section on, you know, here’s actual words you can use of hey, that kind of makes me uncomfortable, or, hey, can we do this instead, or, can we go back to kissing instead?

This lack of knowledge Kate and others describe is undoubtedly a result of the lack of discussion of sexuality at both church and at home. As far as lack of discussion at church, Sofia stated, “we don’t really talk about it in church, and it’s like a taboo…with the members.” In speaking of how the Church influenced her understanding of her sexuality, Jane said she felt “very isolated” and had to try to understand things on her own. Further, Piper pointed out that when sex is spoken of at church, the terminology is problematic. She said:

112 I do have a bone to pick with the fact that the church doesn’t like to say things like sex. It will say things like intimacy. They mean sex but they are totally ignoring the fact that there are a lot of ways to be intimate.

A number of participants also spoke about the extremely limited dialogue or total lack thereof regarding sex in their homes. Fatima said she was raised very strictly by immigrant parents who “were afraid that we would become too Americanized, and what that meant in their minds is that we would be promiscuous.” As an example of this strictness, she said she was not allowed to talk to boys. She thus described her teenage self as “pretty naïve sexually.”

Melissa disclosed that sex was not discussed in her household either. She said,

My mother never said the word sex in front of me until I’d been married for five years. You just don’t. At that point we had no kids and she was like, are you guys doing okay with, you know, the sex thing? [Laughs] Yeah Mom… It’s just not happening. And that was it. That was all the discussion we ever had. I think that’s pretty typical.

Sarah said that she also did not speak with her father or mother about sexuality, attributing that to what she believes is her mother’s extreme discomfort with sexuality. Gertrude reported a tension in her household where her mother was more open to talking about sex than others, but her dad was a “Southern gentleman” and “when Dad’s around you don’t talk about these things.” Kate reported that her father never talked about sex and her mother, who was in the medical profession, spoke about it from a biological perspective. This limited knowledge in such a way that when Kate’s brother and his new wife returned from their honeymoon, his wife told Kate that she had “spent [her] honeymoon in Mexico drawing anatomical diagrams on cocktail napkins to explain [her] anatomy and his anatomy.”

Piper said that at her home, they just did not talk about things beyond the “official birds and bees and maturity and whatever.” She reported feeling “mortified” on her wedding day when her mother told her to “have fun” because she had “never ever brought up that context in [her] entire life.”

113 A number of these same women also attended an LDS-owned college, where enrollment required signing an “Honor Code” pledging commitment to celibacy and presumably a culture of silence regarding sexuality prevailed.

This lack of discussion, or in some cases total silence, was also a very common theme found in the literature review. If sexuality and sexual activity is never talked about, it follows that people would not know how to talk about it. It seems that just saying no to discussions of sexuality made it much more difficult for women to just say no in the moment. As a result, these women’s lack of ability to communicate in the sexual realm meant that their agency was limited. They were not able to speak what they needed and therefore could not achieve congruency between their desires and what actually happened. Looking back, Kate, who is now a sexual health educator, said “Frankly, I wish they would just scrap the entire thing altogether and just teach sex and sexuality around what makes you comfortable. Do you feel respected right now? Do you feel that your voice is being heard?”

Kate also believed that acting passively meant the degree of sin was lessened. She said:

In actuality I was very passive at that time, because I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to actively do something wrong, so in my head it seemed better to just passively let something wrong happen to me, rather than choose to be a part-- rather than actively engage. Let alone actually enjoy it.

This seems to echo Kate’s experience with the bishop who asked her if, during a sexual experience, she had climaxed. Would it have been worse if she had, she demanded. She did not relate how the bishop responded. Instead she stated,

I think that’s where I got this whole idea that, as long as I can stay emotionally and mentally detached enough from any sexual situation to not orgasm, that will be less bad for me. Less of a sin.

It seems Kate believed that if a woman experienced enough pleasure during sexual activity to climax, this made the sin of sex outside of marriage even worse

In contrast to this passivity, women overwhelmingly located themselves as the main bearer of responsibility for what happened with the boys or men around them. Only

114 one talked about where this belief might have come from. Piper spoke of receiving messages as a child and youth to avoid inadvertently arousing boys. She said:

I remember some pretty specific comments from my parents as I was getting into my teens and starting to develop breasts that, make sure you don’t, um… like, be careful about hugging a boy, because he’ll feel your breasts and that will turn him on.

From these messages, Piper learned that her body was a liability for what it could do to boys. It was risky to engage in something as simple as a hug for what it could prompt, regardless of her intention. For her parents, it seemed that a boy becoming aroused was the acceptable, natural order of things, but her “causing” it by sheer virtue of having a body and using it to express affection or closeness was not acceptable. In the realm of sexuality, her female body, fundamentally, was a potential source of a moral problem.

Fatima described making out with someone who made her feel “really guilty” for not going all the way with him. She said “I felt like a bad person in the way of, I shouldn’t have led him on…of course taking all the responsibility.” The two divorced participants spoke of taking on all responsibility for birth control. It seems that this responsibility- taking potentially enabled the women to feel in control in situations where they really did not. Sofia stated that she felt acted upon rather than agentic in certain situations:

I felt that so many times, that they just wanted me to experiment with me, because I’m kind of open mind[ed]….[but] if you’re going to pass time with a girl, it’s supposed to be with the idea of getting to know that girl and maybe like, be friends or have a relationship, but not just to use me.

She then explores the idea of being victimized, suggesting she had no agency at all, but seems unclear as to whether this is true. She says:

I just feel like…I shouldn’t feel that way, like I shouldn’t feel victimized, because I also have a good time, but [laughs] I…I don’t know…I feel…I don’t know. Especially with Mormon guys. I’m like, what?

R: yeah. Say more about that. That’s an interesting idea.

115 S: yeah. I expect it from the non-members--I expect it. Like, I expect it. But not from the Mormon guys.

During the member check conversation, Sofia clarified that she was disappointed that “fooling around” with a guy did not lead to a relationship. She wanted to know whether this lack of a relationship was her fault because she “allowed” a guy to become physical with her. She appeared to feel quite conflicted about how much agency she was exercising by deciding to engage in physical intimacy. Furthermore, she did not appear clear on whether this was benefiting her.

The most extreme example of victimization was described by Gertrude, who recounted an experience of sexual assault. She said she was 16 and had gone out with an older girl, a friend of a cousin. She related:

Somehow we met or picked up these two men on the beach and I remember, you know, he was touching me and stuff like this already…. then that turned into a very weird hotel scene where I was refusing to do anything and the other lady was having full on sex with the guy she had met. And you know, I’m being this like, ah! Ah! You know…

She continued, “I really try to shut that one out because I feel like, I’ve repented of it, but I also look back and realize, I think that was statutory rape.” She then laughed. Her laugh at such a poignant moment suggests that she needed to distance herself from what she has just said out loud. It appears this had provoked too much discomfort for words. When asked what she felt she needed to repent of, she said:

In the Mormon world, I was getting myself into the situation, not stopping him maybe instantly on the beach, but I have to say in my defence, I didn’t know that that’s how men work, and that that’s how, that’s what they were expecting. And I honestly feel like I was just kissing and stuff like this just to survive and get out of it. But yeah, just repenting that I was even involved in it, for sure.

It appears that in choosing to repent, Gertrude accepts the role of gatekeeper, or in other words, she saw it as her responsibility to maintain the boundaries around sexual activity. When the boundaries were violated, she took that upon herself. Choosing to repent of the experience may also have provided her with a mental defence shield that enabled

116 her to put the trauma of the experience behind her. Repentance means moving on and not thinking about the sin anymore. In this constrained context, she may be exercising her agency by choosing how she makes meaning of the experience.

Later in the interview, Gertrude describes choosing to have physical interactions, chiefly kissing, with many of the men she dates after her divorce. She describes it as more or less necessary: “This is a way to like, have a boyfriend, learn a little bit about all this dating.” This can also be seen as examples of her exercising agency by making a choice about physical intimacy that was not afforded to her earlier in her life.

Acting assertively

In contrast to the above situations, some women were able to assert themselves in sexual situations without a great deal of difficulty. They described acting according to their own desires rather than what a man wanted. This included both decisions to practice abstinence and to engage in sexual activity.

Kate recounted an experience where she was making out with someone in his car and he ended up climaxing. She said:

Right after it happened, he was swearing at me, he was yelling at me…”I just knew, I knew in my gut that I should have just never spent time with you,” you know, and I’m just like, what? And he called me Satan’s mistress……I remember I looked at him and I said, you need to tell me when you get to that poi—when you’re getting close to that point. Why didn’t you say anything?

R: Good for you!

K: I was like, why didn’t you say something to me? Why didn’t you say, we need to stop? I mean, how am I supposed to know that me just kissing you is making this happen?

Chantel also asserted herself with no apologies. She described having a boyfriend who was not Mormon and matter-of-factly informing him that passionate kissing was not okay with her. In the moment, she followed through:

117 There were several times where it got a little bit far and I was like, I had to tell him, like, I had to tell him, that’s, like, the limit. That’s where we stop right here. And like, yeah, we got to where, he’d like, trying to get his, like, tongue down my throat and I’m like no! That’s…that’s passionate right there. Let’s cut it off there.

This demonstrates a high level of self-awareness around what made her uncomfortable as well as a powerful ability to speak her needs (learned from a previous experience with the video game code where she could not).

Other participants were able to explain their rationales for sexual activity or the lack thereof, two of them pointing to shifts in their thinking over time. Diane, for example, described coming to see sexual activity, which for her was masturbation, as healthy and acceptable. She said:

I’m aware of church teachings against [masturbation] but I’m also aware of how the Church has been shifting…in their teachings about things like masturbation or things like that…it’s something that I have been coming to terms with for about ten years probably, um…and more and more so lately, which is feeling like, this isn’t something wrong. This is something that is actually healthy and it’s something that can be done in a safe way that meets needs that I need to be okay with having. And that part is hard to reconcile with the Church teachings: being a sexual being despite not being married [laughs] or despite being a woman having sexual desire. Yeah.

Sofia began to see her sexual activity differently once she decided to stop attempting to attend church and withstand the stigma regarding singleness. She spoke of being told for many years that sex was evil, but that she has come to believe that it is simply a healthy part of the human experience. Furthermore, she has come to a place of acceptance of herself even if she acts on her sexual desires. Whereas she used to berate herself for them, now she says:

But now, the way I see it is that, it’s not a big deal. It’s not a big deal [pause] and I wish that someone had told me that, that it’s not, it’s not, just not a big deal. And I would enjoy that part of my life more….

No longer was sex evil and no longer was she for having it. She said:

118 I’m still the same girl. I’m still, I still have the same values. Those things haven’t changed who I am. I still… If I have sex, that doesn’t mean that I’m going to steal from you. If I have sex, that doesn’t mean I’m going to hurt you… I’m going to end up killing you or…it hasn’t changed anything of me.

While Sofia experienced greater peace and self-acceptance once she decided to allow herself to express her sexuality, Fatima felt the opposite. She said that she does not question the commandment to be chaste and is committed to it, though she acknowledges it is difficult to maintain in the heat of the moment. For her, however, it is worth it. She says:

What I’ll say is, um, with sexual gratification and whatever else, it feels great, but to me, nothing feels better than when you feel that, like, overwhelming love and peace from the Spirit. And so for me….It’s so easy for me to say that now [laughs], but when I’m in the moment with somebody, it’s so much harder, but that’s the thing, like especially now that I’ve been working in the temple, like, I look forward to it. I love working in the temple. I have more, I have better spiritual experiences as a temple worker than as a patron, for whatever reason. I just do. And I don’t want that to ever be jeopardized. I want to continue to serve in that way. And so I would never let a temporary…well, I don’t want a temporary fix, if you will, to ruin it for me, you know?

While Fatima desires sexual gratification, her desire for spiritual experiences is even greater. Gertrude demonstrated a similar perspective. She spoke about a man she is currently dating who is “good and kind” and whom she loves. She said that she would be in a relationship with him if it were not for the “sex issue.” The requirement of marriage before sex, in her mind, has “screwed up” the natural progression of the relationship. She believes that once a couple has become acquainted with each other up to a certain point, getting to know each other sexually is very important. This seems particularly relevant for her given the sexual incompatibility she experienced in her marriage. She also expressed the fear that, due to age and health challenges, she only has “a few good sex years left.” In spite of these concerns, however, Gertrude stated that at the end of the day, obeying God’s commandments is still more important than what she wants out of life. She said, “If the prophet tells you to put gross lamb blood over your door, you do it. It’s an act of faith. I’m having faith that somehow this is going to be good for me.”

119 Both Fatima and Gertrude’s ultimate priority is their connection to God. As single individuals, they are forced to choose between that and sexual gratification. For these women, a relationship with divinity and sexual expression are mutually exclusive.

Discussion

In Mormonism there is a professed single standard regarding sexuality, which is chastity before marriage. This applies to both genders. However, sexuality is linked to “virtue” only for women (Finlayson-Fife, 2016). Book of Mormon scripture quotes the Lord as stating “For I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women” (Jacob 2:28). Furthermore, church messaging (curriculum, speeches by leaders and even scriptures) focus on women’s sexual “purity” as analogous to desirability. No such languaging exists regarding young men.

Kate experienced shunning because of her openness to talking about sex. This would appear to corroborate messaging from church apostles that women run the risk of shame and shunning if they acknowledge or act on their sexual desire. As an example, Apostle James Faust stated that “young women should realize that young men they date will not honor and respect them if they have been involved in moral transgression” [a euphemism to describe sexual activity] (as cited in Finlayson-Fife, 2016, p. 251). The troubling implication here seems to be that a young woman who is not chaste does not deserve honour or respect. Another issue is that chastity for women is emphasized while men’s behavior is not even discussed. This suggests a double standard regarding sexuality. Furthermore, there is an insinuation that women are responsible for maintaining boundaries around sexual activity with men. At least one church leader has gone outside this cultural norm and spoken against the idea. Apostle Jeffrey Holland (1988) stated:

I have heard all of my life that it is the young woman who had to assume the responsibility for controlling the limits of intimacy in courtship because a young man cannot. Seldom have I heard any point made about a subject that makes me want to throw up more than that . . . To say that a young woman in such a relationship has to bear her responsibility and that of the young man’s too is the most discriminatory doctrine I have ever heard.

120 Finlayson-Fife (2002) found that the Mormon women in her study believed themselves to be at greater (short and long-term) social risk than men for any level of sexual activity, an idea often perpetuated by family and church instructors. Many of her participants were afraid they would be judged by their partners for feeling or demonstrating sexual desire. One woman suggested she was afraid her partner would think of her as a “slut” if she demonstrated sexual desire.

Given these issues, it is not surprising that the vast majority of women in this study did not speak about their sexual desire. Perhaps they also did not have the language to discuss it, given that they were probably unfamiliar with positive ways to discuss female sexuality (Logan, 2004). As Worthington et al. (2002) assert, a lack of identification and awareness of one’s sexual needs prevents one from developing an individual sexual identity. The social identity development process, wherein one develops a group membership identity, takes priority (Worthington et al., 2002). If a single Mormon wants to maintain this group membership, it seems she must sublimate her sexual desires.

While the participants did not speak of their desire, they did engage in sexual activity. However, they usually acted passively. Finlayson-Fife (2002) found that some of her participants were “sexually passive” so that they would be seen as “good or feminine” women (p. 110). While this strategy may assuage cognitive dissonance in the short term, there may be significant long-term consequences for the health of women’s sexual selves when they act passively. They may see their sexual desires as less of a priority or fundamentally unimportant. They may not develop the ability to determine personal boundaries and, just as importantly, assert them when necessary. This leaves them vulnerable to manipulation, exploitation and sexual violence. Gertrude was raped ostensibly because she did not have the language to communicate her desires or a realistic perception of the situation. She was never taught how to recognize a situation of risk. Similarly, Melissa stated that being “unsafe” at church due to expectations to submit to male authority and discuss her sexual activity with male leaders meant that she ended up in an unsafe marriage.

Gertrude also seemed to demonstrate a view of sexual activity that is common in Mormon church culture: even if it is assault, the “sin” of sex outside of marriage is more important. Some examples include the fact that until 2016, students at Mormon-owned

121 Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, faced the risk of questions about their own conduct when they reported sexual assaults (Alberty, 2017). In the Church’s worldwide general conference in April 2018, Apostle Quentin Cook (2018) spoke of rape as “non- consensual immorality,” eliding the fact that “sex without consent is categorically different, in moral terms, than sex with consent” (Kristine, 2018). As Kristine (2018), a writer on a popular Mormon blog, states:

Where there is consent, one may believe the act to be sinful or not, but both parties are responsible/culpable. Where there is no consent, one party is guilty of coercion and violence (as well as whatever sin may be imputed to the sexual act), and the other party is blameless, in either a moral system based on consent or one based on sin. It ought to go without saying that rape is categorically different from adultery.

Kristine (2018) supports her critique with further examples of a cultural focus on sin rather than force or violation when it comes to sexual activity. She lists a smear campaign against a woman accusing high-profile Mormon leader Joseph Bishop of sexual assault; an 1992 talk from an apostle suggesting that bishops may help survivors of abuse determine their own degree of culpability and repent of it; and talk from a Mormon prophet suggesting rape victims ought to prefer losing their lives to being raped (Kristine, 2018).

In spite of these issues, there were some participants who reported acting assertively. Kate and Chantel, for example, did not feel it was their responsibility to take care of men’s feelings in the sexual realm. They believed men needed to manage their own feelings. Finlayson-Fife (2016) found that some of her participants believed the same thing. She defined these as women with high levels of sexual agency. This agency was also exemplified by Diane and Sofia. All four of these women described an ability they had developed to take a more objective look at their situations. They were able to hold space for both what they had been taught and the personal feelings they had. They also had enough self-awareness to sense dissonance between those things. Ultimately they were able to make decisions they felt at peace with, even though those decisions went against what they had learned or been trained to do.

122 “I was worried that God wouldn’t connect with people that weren’t like God”: The particular challenges of sexual minorities

While most studies in the area of religious women and sexuality have focused on heterosexual, cisgender women, participants in this study expressed a diverse range of sexual orientations, sexual attractions and gender identification. In the Mormon church as well as the academic literature regarding LDS individuals, there is an emphasis on the term of “same-sex attraction” (SSA, or same-gender attraction) as opposed to identifying individuals as gay, lesbian or bisexual (Anderton, 2010; Dehlin et al., 2015; Jacobsen & Wright, 2014). The narrative method that guides this thesis privileges participants’ voices and their self-identities, so I will use the words they use to identify themselves throughout.

In terms of sexual orientation, one participant, Melissa, identified as mostly heterosexual. Another, Jane, identified as bisexual/bicurious. A third, Kate, identified as bi/pansexual. A fourth, Sarah, identified as queer and “maybe lesbian”—the “maybe” due to the fact that she is attracted to both women and non-binary people and so she is not sure if she is lesbian. In terms of sexual attraction, one participant, Piper, identified as possibly demisexual/greysexual because she said she seemed to fall in the asexuality range. In terms of gender identification, one participant, Sarah, stated she was assigned female at birth and identifies as a “non-binary woman.” She elaborated on this: “I identify as non-binary in feminine ways, and I use she/her pronouns, and yet I have dysphoria about, like, some of the female-ish parts of my body and I don’t feel like I identify with the community of women.”

Only two of these participants, Kate and Sarah, explored their experiences with sexual orientation and attraction in depth during our interviews. Jane also spoke about it briefly.

Understanding self

Sarah knew as a young person that she was different but explained it in the context of church beliefs. She said,

123 I was pretty young when I realized that my sexual desires were not, were not the norm, or not the, or not what most people have….I think I was pretty young when I wondered if I was gay, because I never really had crushes on boys, I never was really, like, wanting to be with a boy so I thought, maybe I want to be with girls, which I do, but…not…what I don’t…I don’t know, it’s just…I feel like I’m queer enough—and I’m happy, you know, I’m happy about how I am. And it was a weird road to get to understanding how I am, because just, it’s not the norm, and people don’t talk about, like, the asexual spectrum all that much, so I just thought like… I remember thinking, something was wrong with me and talking to my mom about it and being like, I don’t even like boys. Like they talk in young women’s about how you’re going to have all these hormones and you know, like, it’s going to make you want to do things, and like…but I don’t want to do these things. And I remember talking to my mom and she’s like, well, maybe that’s Heavenly Father’s like, giving you the strength to keep the law of chastity. And I was like, okay, maybe, yeah.

It is interesting how Sarah made meaning of her lack of attraction to boys. Within the religious context she knew, having “strength” to keep the law of chastity seemed to be a plausible explanation that she hesitantly accepted. She mentions that she did not have any other framework for understanding because it was not something people talked about. She continued:

I definitely grew up in a place where, to be cisgender and heterosexual is the norm and you don’t see anybody like that and if you do, they’re an object of pity at best and you know, they’re like a horrible sinner at worst.

And then you go to BYU and if anybody is gay, which they are, they’re pretty closeted about it, so you just don’t see that. And like, what’s held up as the ideal is these sort of temple marriages, where it’s a man and a woman and they’re happy and you know, they fit into these gender binaries and that’s what I saw. That was all I saw, really.

However, Sarah said that when she expanded her relationships to people outside of the Church she began seeing not only more diverse individuals, but ones who had positive relationships with their sexuality. She said,

124 I think medical school actually contributed to that. Because there is, at least in my school, different schools are different, but there’s a fair amount of LGTBQ health stuff, you know, and we have, like, we have teachers in med school who are openly gay…we have, there’s even a few openly trans doctors around, there’s…And you just see these people and they are happy and they are compassionate professionals who like, make a huge impact on people’s lives and I’m just like, you know, it’s…you’re like, maybe I can explore this part of myself that I’ve been burying, and maybe it can be okay.

Sarah concludes by saying “I think, just being exposed to, just more, like gender and sexual diversity just made me feel like, it made me feel like I could first of all figure out my own identity and then, like, learn to accept and love who I am.”

Kate narrated a similar story in that seeing other LGBT2QI people, specifically ones that were living healthy and happy lives, helped her accept herself. She came to greater awareness of her sexual orientation in her 30s and informed me that she did not experience any shame when she did. I asked how she managed to do that and she replied,

I think…I had friends who are gay all growing up…. I think it was kind of, just, spending time with my friends of various sexual identities, um, you know, friends who were trans, friends who are gay, friends who were pan…and living functioning, happy lives. You know, having jobs, dating…I mean, everything that every straight person was experiencing.

This exposure to sexual diversity enabled Kate to see people all along the sexuality spectrum as healthy, happy and perhaps more importantly, “normal.”

Another participant spoke of how dating a man who later came out as bisexual led her to contemplating her own sexual orientation. She said, “After we broke up I have thought about sexuality a lot.” She said that “it didn’t exist for me before that” but “I started thinking about what I am, like…before that, I always [thought I was]…100% straight. 200% straight!” She went on to describe meeting a female gym instructor around that time who she thought was “very nice.” She said, “It took about a year before I was like, yes. I like her. [laughs] One year.” The way Jane spoke about this demonstrated a great deal of ambivalence around her identification. Although she had

125 identified as bisexual/bicurious on the screening form, when I spoke of her as such during the interview, she stated she did not know if she was. I asked how she navigated her shifting identity in light of the Mormon church’s position and she said she sometimes just shuts off her brain. She said she blamed herself for her sexual orientation. If she were different, she said, she would be more accepted. As it stands, however, she said God accepting her is “impossible because the Church will say it’s not possible.” She said she was looking forward to understanding it all when she got to heaven, where everything is perfect. It appears that for Jane, considering other churches’ more accepting views on sexual orientation was out of the question. She had accepted the Mormon Church’s teachings that a bisexual orientation is fundamentally wrong.

Relationship with church and sexual self

Jane, who has remained active in the Church, appears to struggle with her sexual identity. Kate and Sarah stated they were only able to explore their sexual attraction once they left the Church. As Kate said:

It was a time where I could actually think about my sexuality, I could explore my sexuality….Once I left.…I no longer had to be…embarrassed about wanting to know more about it. Um…I felt like it was a time where… I allowed myself to feel attracted however I felt attracted to people…which…you know, was really great in the sense that, like, it helped me kind of, I think discover that I feel sexually attracted to more than just one gender of people.

Even thinking about her sexuality was not possible for Kate while she remained within the Church. This makes sense in light of multiple experiences of shaming she encountered (recounted in earlier sections) when she did act on her sexual desires. Those were of course desires for the opposite sex at that point. If she encountered such extreme oppression for her heterosexual activities, perhaps it was for protection and self-preservation that she did not “allow herself,” as she stated, to think or explore beyond that.

Sarah stated that how she understands her sexuality has changed as her relationship to the Mormon church has evolved. While she was closely tied to the Church and attending Brigham Young University, she described herself as “pretty, like, deeply in

126 the closet and in denial about being gay at the time….I knew that dating wasn’t something I was interested in, even though I wasn’t maybe really honest with myself about why.” A turning point came for her as a result of her experiences with masturbation. She describes being told that masturbation was a sin and feeling puzzled that she did not feel any guilt about doing it. She stated that she still felt the same connection to God she had always felt, which caused dissonance for her. This ended up being a significant pivot point in terms of her relationship with the Church. She said, “I think that was sort of the first, the first sort of crack in my, you know, needing to be…needing to follow all of the teachings of the Church, as I was like, maybe the Church is wrong. That was my first ‘maybe the Church is wrong’ experience.” This moment also became significant in terms of her relationship with her own sexuality. She said,

Yeah, I think it was that experience that was what later, like, made me okay with stepping away from the Church and unders—making the steps to understand and accept my own sexuality and my own sexual identity.

Sarah was able to have awareness of the dissonance within, caused by a conflict between what she had been told was wrong versus something she did not personally experience as wrong. She was also able to listen to her own voice to guide her decision- making. Ironically, choosing not to conform and thereby maintaining personal integrity, a positive religious value, required her to move away from the religious institution. As Cammock declares, “When Mormon members[’] intuition runs contrary to the policies of our leaders many are no longer able to implicitly trust the Church’s prejudice over their own conscience” (Colvin, 2016).

Sarah then spoke about coming to realize it was impossible for her to stay within a church where there is no room for people like her. She said,

I think being queer, like, does, I think being queer is what makes me feel like I couldn’t have been okay with it if I was still like, a very believing and very literal Mormon. Because there’s just not a framework for that, I don’t think, in Mormonism….like, it doesn’t fit…into the whole plan of salvation. And I think people have tried to make it fit, and tried to, you know, in various ways, by saying, just be celibate and you’ll be cured in the next life…

127 Here Sarah is alluding to what some Mormon observers speak of as a “theological reality” that leaders believe but do not directly articulate: that there are no gay people in heaven (Bennion, 2008; Cammock, 2016). She continues:

So I, yeah, people pose this framework of, you know, you can just be single and keep the law of chastity forever and everything will be cured in the next life and what I think…I think I can actually do that, but still not be okay with, that still doesn’t make me feel like the Church has a place for me. Because in the next life, you’d still have to be married to someone of the opposite sex, in a very binary way, and that’s another reason, is that I don’t identify in a binary way with my gender. And so it still…the idea the idea of living like this now and somehow, like, God changes you to be a cisgender, heterosexual woman married to a cisgender heterosexual man in the next life, I don’t want that. I want to be me in the next life, and the Church doesn’t have a place for that.

R: well, this is your identity right, so I mean, there is a difference between so- called sinful behaviours and how a person identifies and if we’re saying that God changes your identity in the next life, that’s… very…messed up

S: it is very messed up, it’s very…it feels very threatening to me. You know, it’s not as if, it’s not, it’s not like God would take away my…tendency to leave the dishes in the sink or something. It’s like, that would be changing me to the point where I would not be me anymore.

R: yeah

S: And I would feel like, I feel like that’s erasing my existence

R: wow. Yeah

S: yeah. Even though I feel like, you know, I could do that, I could not have sex, I could not marry a woman and I could be quite happy like that. I still don’t want the end result of, and then you get to be like that, you know, the proclamation on the family and fit into that little mold, because then I wouldn’t be me anymore and…yeah.

128 Sarah points out that to accept the basic premises of Mormon doctrine on the family would mean erasure of who she is. The “ideal” in Mormonism, a heterosexual marriage between a cisgender man and woman, is actually the only acceptable scenario. During the member check, she also expressed confusion about the Mormon proclamation on the family’s statement that gender is eternal. Given that she identifies as gender fluid and still on a journey of understanding her gender, she has questions about how that fits with Mormon belief.

Although Sarah had been deeply in denial about her sexual orientation, she stated that she now feels at peace, not only for herself but regarding her relationship with God. She said,

I very much feel like, God is okay with me being queer and, like, non-binary and this is, I don’t know if God made me this way because I don’t know if God makes things, but whatever, you know, me being this way is not a mistake and it’s something I’m supposed to enjoy. It’s not something I’m supposed to hide or feel guilty about.

Another participant spoke explicitly of the threat and/or harm the Mormon church’s position on homosexual orientation has caused and connected it with her decision to leave the Church. Piper, who is married, expressed concern about what her loved ones have experienced. She said,

I…see how damaging it was to my husband to be told how broken he was for being bisexual. I have another family member who is also bisexual--one of my siblings has come out to me and hasn’t told any of the rest of the family, because they know that it’s not going to go over. And I’ve watched that sibling struggle a lot with…you know, with the messaging, with knowing that that’s not who they are and knowing that they are just a person and it’s okay. I, you know, I see the, a lot of that kind of messaging around sexuality and orientation that I believe is very harmful, and so…that was one of my final straws.

Piper connected her decision to leave the Church with her concern for others’ mental health and safety. She continued,

129 Feeling I can’t stay part of this church, is realizing that it was straight up damaging people’s mental health. I can’t…and their self-worth…and a church that drives people to suicide is not something I’m okay with being a part of. That was really my final straw, was when I came to the conclusion that church policies were not being based on love, so I did not feel like they were being based on anything holy.

View of God and view of self

Some participants chose to respond to the research question on Heavenly Mother and whether this belief in a divine female figure had any impact on their understanding of their personal sexuality. Responses were varied. Most said they had never thought about the connection before. Interestingly, those who self-identified as queer and/or non-binary, Kate and Sarah, appeared to have done the most thinking about this topic.

Sarah, the one participant who identifies as non-binary, stated that the idea of a Heavenly Mother was actually not helpful to her developing understanding of sexuality. She said she was glad that Heavenly Mother is discussed and people have the concept to relate to, but for her, she said “I think that was actually a bit of a roadblock in the way of understanding my own sexuality.” She continued:

I think some people have had some really lovely experiences with Heavenly Mother, but I think being non-binary too, I don’t fully…I don’t fully relate to the idea of a Heavenly Mother. Like, she is, still like, she is still a cisgender heterosexual woman. She may very well exist, but I still struggle to see a reflection of myself in her, because I’m not like that….I saw all these other women, like, identifying with her and that was helping them connect to themselves as women and as sexual beings and they seemed really happy about that, and I wanted to be really happy about that too, but then it didn’t work.… that was just one more…one more person that wasn’t like me.

It would seem that when a person cannot relate to the divine beings of their religion, this would have a detrimental effect on one’s understanding of the world and their place in it. Especially given that in Mormonism, it is a fundamental principle that we

130 are created in God’s image and we can become like God (Bowman, 2012). Kate echoes the idea of a diverse God. She said,

I think that the more I think about deconstructing masculine and feminine and just viewing them as traits and attributes, the more I view a higher power as being one thing rather than two things or a multiple of things. Like in my head, it’s either one thing or a bunch of things….I’m like, there’s either one higher power or there’s like, an absolute prism scatter of a million things, because it would be so much for one thing to be, or it is possible for one thing to be all these things.

This view of gender and sexuality is one that came about not through the Mormon church but in spite of it. Kate goes on to say that this kind of thinking is very dangerous in Mormonism, because it means one becomes “very accepting” of folks who are LGBTQ, which is not something the Church would ever encourage.

For both Kate and Sarah, thinking beyond binaries in terms of gender and sexual orientation was helpful in understanding themselves. Kate stated:

And so, I feel like that, that thinking for me has really helped me. I think one, not view things in the binary where it comes to my gender, or if it comes to my orientation. I’m able to view bodies and sex, I think as less like, oh I’m only attracted to masculine bodies or I’m only attracted to feminine bodies. I think it becomes much different as when I see the divinity in someone as…they are just who they are as a person and whether I’m attracted to that or not is separate.

Similarly, Sarah declared that seeing God as many different things helps her connect with God. She said, “God isn’t one thing, so you don’t have to fit into this box and there, God may or may not be like me, but God is at least different enough things that I think that I can connect.”

Discussion

The LDS church’s current stance on SSA is that having the feelings is not a sin while acting on them is (Ballard, 2015). This focus on one’s attraction is perhaps best exemplified by church apostle David Bednar’s statement that “there are no homosexual members of the Church” (Henderson, 2016). In Apostle Bednar’s view, a person is not

131 defined by sexual attraction or sexual activity. Furthermore, a non-heterosexual attraction is something to be overcome. According to Apostle Bednar, people are “sons and daughters of God and all of us have different challenges in the flesh” (Henderson, 2016).

When identity as gay or lesbian is fundamentally delegitimized, those who are religious and have same-sex attraction may struggle with conflicting religious and sexual identities. Strategies used to navigate the conflict may include rejecting a homosexual or LGBTQ identity in spite of feeling attraction to the same sex; compartmentalizing the two identities; rejecting the religious identity; or integrating the two identities (Dehlin et al., 2015). Severson (1998) interviewed lesbian Mormons, all of whom spoke about their struggle with identity. One said, “I feel a pull from the Church equally as much as I like women, and I think for anybody, when it becomes…”who you are” pulling apart “who you are,” that becomes a real struggle. You just can’t ignore this. If I could have, I would have” (p. 11).

Jacobsen and Wright (2014) assert that the culture of the Mormon church has often caused same-sex attracted people to feel that they cannot value their sexuality within the religion. While same-sex sexuality is generally not discussed in official Mormon arenas, participants implicitly understood their attraction as evil and taboo. As Anderton (2010) states, the Church is “adamantly opposed to its members living a gay, lesbian, or bisexual lifestyle” (p. 4). In Anderton (2010)’s study, all 10 participants reported struggling with self-acceptance as a lesbian, gay or bisexual woman. Jacobsen and Wright (2014) reported that several Mormon women with same-sex attraction experienced depression, which dissipated after they stopped attending church and hearing messages that they were evil because of their sexual attraction. In contrast, both Kate and Sarah spoke about how understanding and accepting themselves was enabled in part because they saw LGTBQ individuals outside the Church who were happy. This was probably a significant thing to witness in light of the overwhelmingly negative messages regarding non-heterosexual sexuality in the Mormon church (Anderton, 2010; Dehlin et al., 2015; Jacobson & Wright, 2014; Sumerau & Cragun, 2014).

In her interviews with lesbian Mormons, Severson (1998) found that many women navigated questions of identity through coming to a change in understanding of authority. What they once viewed as external moral authority, or coming from church

132 leaders, shifted to internal, or coming from oneself. One woman in Severson’s (1998) research saw her queer identity as an opportunity to question Mormon moral authority. It was an opportunity to be a “heretic” and question gender roles. Another participant also took the opportunity to question the system. She said:

I thought the prophet knew best and the bishops had authority over me and knew better than I did, and all the leaders of the Church knew better than I did…it took ten years of struggling with sexual identity before I realized that they were wrong. (Severson, 1998, p. 11)

A change in understanding of earthly leadership also meant a change in relationship with the divine. Fifty percent of Anderton’s (2010) participants spoke about their relationship with their higher power being impacted by their experience of SSA. This was particularly true for Sarah and Kate, whose views of God changed considerably as they navigated their gender and sexual identities. Sarah said, “I think, I think for a long time, I felt that you couldn’t connect with God unless God was like you and that’s what I think tried to make me fit into that box.” She described the strain of trying to fit herself into the box thus:

I think I tried to identify with [Heavenly Mother] and I couldn’t…but I think for a while, I put a lot of energy into trying to identify with her. And that…that was sort of a misdirection of energy that I could have been using to figure out who or what I actually did identify with.

She compares that experience with what she believes today. “But now,” she said, “I think….It’s more that…you know, I was worried that God wouldn’t connect with people that weren’t like God. But now that I have this comfortable idea of God having some diversity.”

In an examination of God images and their impacts on belief, researchers found direct correlation between personal experience, belief and one’s image of God at a given developmental stage (Rizzuto as cited in Conn, 1996). Belief in God was dependent on whether an “identity of experience” could be established between a person’s image of God and the self-representations they required to “maintain relatedness and hope” (Conn, 1996, p. 13).

133 Religious studies professor Joann Wolski Conn suggests this has huge implications for women’s spirituality. She postulates that “a woman experiencing a shift in self-understanding from dependence and conformity to self-direction and spiritual freedom can be expected to feel a strain in her relation to God if the image she has absorbed works to reinforce lack of self-esteem or restricts hope. Such a woman, in order to maintain her spiritual development, must drop that God-image; she must cease believing in that God” (Conn, 1996, p. 14). Indeed, as Sarah and Kate came to accept themselves, either as non-binary or queer, their orthodox images of God, both Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, changed.

134 The Heart of the Agency-Dilemma: The Bishop’s Interview

The primary research question for this thesis was: “How do single LDS women narrate their experience of sexuality within the Church?” The secondary research questions were “How do single LDS women navigate the expectation of celibacy (or chastity) before marriage? Further, how do they make meaning of its implications for their mental health and well-being?” The answers participants provided to these questions were ultimately grouped into four categories, described as various types of constraints. It seemed that the most important symbol of the negotiation of the agency- dilemma was the bishop’s interview. Although there had been no research question about it, it was discussed by six of ten participants. Some context for understanding this interview will be provided.

All Mormons are required to confess any “serious sin” to their local ecclesiastical leader, usually called bishop, who is male (Hafen, 1992). This leader is the “common judge” and “determines the worthiness of all members” of his congregation (Pearson, 1992, p. 117). He may “impose appropriate discipline” (Pearson, 1992, p. 118) for misconduct, which can include restrictions on participation in religious rites, including rites seen as necessary for exaltation. It is implicitly understood that sexual sins are of a serious enough nature to be reported to the bishop (Hammarberg, 2008). However, the subtleties of interpretation are left officially undefined, which means that individual members are on their honour to report anything they may think is a sin—and then accept whatever “punishment” may be meted out as a result of their own reporting.

Participants described a number of issues regarding bishop’s interviews. In an environment where there is largely silence around sexuality, women struggled to understand what the “rules” around sexual misconduct were, which was made more difficult by experiences where various bishops dictated completely different penalties for the same activity. A second challenge was grappling with bishops’ extremely personal questions regarding sexual activity and the tension that created between the need to obey versus the need to preserve one’s dignity and privacy. A third challenge was experiences with judgment and shame in the bishop’s office.

135 Arbitrary Penalties

Lack of clarity around rules meant that many participants had no idea what to expect in terms of the bishop’s decision on “punishment” for sexual activity. As Kate stated:

I’ve had some bishops who were the most kind, loving, like, sweetest bishops I’ve ever had. Which I mean, with any religion, you have the best and the worst, all at once. So I had bishops that like, I had done more than just kissing and Levi lovin’ [grinding with clothes on], and that bishop was just like, hey, you’re fine. Keep taking the sacrament…like you’re fine, you need this. Like, there’s no time where you don’t take the sacrament. I’ve had [other] bishops where, it would be the slightest thing and they would be like, you can’t take the sacrament for four months, and I’m like, [whimpers] o-kay. But there was no regularity.

Here, Kate describes major variation in punishment, with some bishops displaying leniency even with more serious activities (“more than just kissing and Levi lovin’”) while others displayed severe punishment even with minor issues (“the slightest thing”). She chalks up the variation to her view that in any religion there is a wide spectrum of moral character (“you have the best and the worst”). What she is also alluding to is the fact that, as discussed above, laypeople in a position of authority (i.e., bishops) have a great deal of leeway when it comes to determining a) whether something is a sin, b) if so, how serious it is and c) the requisite punishment.

Fatima described her experience confessing the same sexual experience (oral sex) to two separate bishops and receiving very different responses. She described her reaction thus:

I was shocked because of how different, yeah, just how different the experience was from the bishop before. Not saying the other bishop was bad or anything, like, he was an awesome guy, one of my favourite bishops ever, but I don’t know. I don’t know if it was like, he felt that the Spirit inspired to give me a year [of not going to the temple] or what, whereas this bishop only felt inspired to give me a month, I don’t know how it works. And I think that’s where it can be tricky with bishops because there isn’t a cut and dry, like, oral sex, six months…

136 The same participant then talked about a third bishop she spoke to about what she viewed as a sexual “misdemeanour.” She reported that:

Basically, what [the bishop] said was, outside of straight up fornication, you can go to the temple and you don’t have to talk to me about issues. And I was like…[pause]…oh-kay. It was weird! It was like wow, this is crazy….I was really shocked.

Later in the interview she said “But then I know if I go to another ward in a year, it might be a totally different situation and I might have a bishop that tells me that[…]…You know what I mean? It’s just, I don’t know.” Fatima struggled to make sense of extreme variation in the rules as set down by various bishops she met with.

Another example of arbitrariness was the fact that males received fewer penalties than females for the same act. When Kate had sex with her fiancé, her bishop decided she had to be disfellowshipped. This entails a temporary suspension of membership privileges wherein a member is not allowed to enter the temple, hold a church calling, take the sacramental bread and water or participate openly in public meetings (i.e., by giving a prayer or talk [Hafen, 1992]). In fact, her bishop said he wanted to excommunicate her, but as he described it, God wouldn’t let him. Kate relayed: “He was like…I’ll be honest, I want to excommunicate you, but when I prayed about it, I know that God only wants you to be disfellowshipped.” Kate’s fiancé, who had a different bishop, was put on probation and asked to give a talk the next Sunday on repentance.

Fatima reported an experience similar to Kate’s regarding punishment for her versus a man. She said:

I have a…male friend who was divorced who had sex with a woman…after the divorce. [He] was given six months [of not going to the temple] for having sex. And I was like, what? Because I remember, that was like, I had just moved here and I was like, wait, I had, I got a year for having oral sex and you were, like, you had sex! That’s not fair!

While Fatima acknowledged a lack of fairness and said it can be “confusing,” she attributed the variation to differences in divine inspiration or bishops’ personalities

137 (specifically tendency towards leniency or a lack thereof). While at one point she states that “it’s not fair,” overall she seemed to believe that God was still involved (she refers to bishop’s “inspiration”) and therefore things must be accepted the way they are. However, later in the interview she alludes to frustration with the arbitrary nature of various bishops’ responses. She states she has recently realized that she needs to make her own standards. This will be discussed in a later section.

Responses

Participants dealt with the arbitrary rules regarding sexual expression in various ways. Some questioned the bishop or the system as a whole. Others chose to make their own decisions on what their personal rules were. However, as described earlier, navigating these choices was challenging because many of the women found it difficult to trust themselves.

Question the system

Kate asked why women are required to report to men but not vice versa. Furthermore, she asks about the purpose of this reporting in the first place.

This idea of, like, scorekeeping, spiritual scorekeeping, is very odd and bizarre when I’m like, who is the one keeping score and who…why is it only men get to be these gatekeepers of the scoreboard. And why isn’t that just a decision made individually between me and God, and why do I have to go and tell a guy about it across from his desk and tell them about how, oh yeah, a guy put his hand up my shirt and like his hands down my pants.

This questioning is one way to resist the authority of male leaders.

Some participants shared more general concerns about the rules and the focus on obedience to them at the expense of critical thinking. Piper said:

I can see a lot of people having a conflict over what they feel versus what they’re told they should feel…. I’m feeling that now and saying gosh, I didn’t learn how to make my own decisions. I learned how to accept what I was told.

138 In speaking of the conflict generally, Piper communicates that she does not necessarily identify with it personally. But perhaps this is simply a soft start, a way of more gently introducing the tension before building on it with her personal experience. She had identified herself as coming from a family where obedience to the rules of Mormonism were extremely important. She related that for many years, that was what she did without questioning. So perhaps, although she has now disassociated from the Church, tension between what she is supposed to say versus what she actually feels is still colouring how she relates (to) stories. Piper continues:

In the long run…it’s hard for me to say [if the institution setting boundaries was] helpful or harmful for myself personally, but I do feel like it’s a lower law, as it were. It’s a simpler form. It’s like when a child is really small, you start with no, don’t touch the stove. And as they get older, you teach them this is why and you teach them how to use it safely. And I think, I think the Mormon law of chastity as written is a no, don’t touch the stove….I think it’s that very simplified, treating us like small children, kind of way of handling it, rather than saying consent matters and comfort matters and you know, all these other things matter and that you need to make your own moral choices….I think drawing a line in the sand is always a simplistic way…and I don’t think it encourages maturation.

Once again, Piper seems to hedge initially (“it’s hard for me to say…”) though by the end of the paragraph, she has suggested that someone else setting the rules is harmful because it prevents maturation. In these excerpts she is alluding to an important issue, which is that she was not taught any critical thinking skills. She informed me that she is taking a different route with her teenage son:

I’ll be honest, I look at my upbringing, and I’ll tell you that what I’m teaching my children is not chastity. I’m teaching them consent. That it’s always about kindness and it’s always about consent and it’s always about making sure that both people want to be doing what you’re doing.

I asked how it felt to be talking about something so different from the way she was raised. She said:

um…[sighs] I think…there was a part of me that felt…weird about it. That felt weird about not teaching him to be good the way that I was taught to be good. I

139 am disentangled enough from the Church that I…I do see that there’s very harmful teachings within the Church and I don’t know that the sexuality ones were per se…

Piper seems to be suggesting that there are more ways to be good than the one she was taught. Her way of navigating the agency/obedience paradox is to provide choices, rather than prohibitions, to her son.

Melissa also expressed concern about the expectations and the limits they place on personal expression. She says:

If you were raised LDS, you know all the songs, all the hand motions, you know…all the checklist stuff that you’re supposed to do. There’s no room on any of those lists for you to find self-expression, or artistic development, or any of those things. Nobody cares about that stuff. You’re just supposed to show up on Sundays and do whatever the bishop asks you to do.

While younger Mormon women may not identify with these types of limits in the Church culture, Melissa is 60 years old and may be speaking of her experience from earlier decades when gender roles for women were even more limited. Melissa seems to suggest that the way to salvation, as a Mormon, is to follow the “checklist stuff” and then do whatever leaders say. Earning salvation therefore does not include thinking for oneself or expressing oneself in creative ways (“nobody cares”).

Make their own decisions

While Kate did not describe herself opposing the bishop’s counsel in any of her interviews over the years, she did begin to ask herself if she wanted to continue going through the process. She disclosed that by her early 30s, she was not at all sure she did. At some point she ended up having intercourse again. Afterward, she wrestled with whether she would tell the bishop. She knew that if she did, it would be extremely unpleasant. She said:

I was like, ugh, they’re going to call a bishop’s court and I’m going to have to do all this and blah blah blah, and I knew exactly what I did when I was disfellowshipped, I had to do a bishop’s court, and tell an entire group of men all of my, like, business, and you know, this is just going to be the worst and yada

140 yada yada. Um…and I remember, I was laying in bed--well, laying in my sleeping bag in the middle of a mountain range…um…and I just remember, I just couldn’t sleep, and all these questions were going through my head, about like, well, you know, I could be put on probation and what would that mean? Or I could be disfellowshipped and what would that mean? Could I do this, like, be a ghost at church for another year? And then I thought, oh, you know, I may end up being excommunicated…and this one voice in the back of my head just goes, ahh, wouldn’t that be a relief.

The “bishop’s court” that Kate mentions is a “disciplinary council” of between three and 15 men. These councils are typically convened in the case of:

such extraordinary behavior as murder or other serious crimes, incest, open and harmful apostasy, and flagrant or highly visible transgressions against the law of chastity” (Hafen, 1992, p. 386).

It seems that the first time this process was required, Kate’s bishop perceived her action of consensual sex with her fiancé--incidentally, a night where she says she had never felt more in love or connected to someone--as being a “flagrant or highly visible transgression against the law of chastity” on the same level of seriousness as murder and incest.

It is likely that one’s view of self as well as one’s ability to worship and connect with God would be negatively impacted while going through a church disciplinary procedure. Given these emotional and psychological challenges, not to mention the many emotional difficulties Kate had already experienced with bishops regarding sexual activity, it is not surprising that she felt relief at the thought of leaving it all behind. She related that she asked herself a series of questions regarding this relief and figured out that maybe she was “just really tired of stuff that seems like I’m catering to something that I don’t exactly agree to. And it’s exhausting me, emotionally, spiritually, physically, it’s exhausting.”

She did not end up returning to her bishop to engage in the disciplinary process. In a later section, she expressed frustration of theoretically being old enough to make her own decisions and be accountable to herself for them, but actually not being seen that way in the eyes of the Church. The only way she could assert her own authority was

141 by not recognizing the bishop’s authority. And so, she did not end up returning to the Church at all. She took a break from attending church for a year, which she described as “heaven,” though she experienced a great deal of turmoil in coming to that decision. She eventually officially removed her name from the records of the Church. This leaving was, for Kate, the most suitable way she found to resist the dominant narratives and authorities she had faced for so many years. She saw no way out of the process except to leave. But that leaving brought relief and clarity. As she put it, after leaving she slept well for the first time in years because “there was just all these expectations that I suddenly, like, stripped off and I was like, I don’t have to do that because you think it’s the right thing to do. I don’t think it’s the right thing to do.”

Judgment and Shame

Shame Around Sexual Activity

As sexual sin is seen as second only to murder, partaking in sexual activity can have serious impacts on how an individual views their “worthiness.” This “worthiness” ostensibly refers to one’s eligibility to participate in religious ritual, but it is commonly understood as one’s fundamental amount of worth. As Sofia said, “I felt that the way they taught me made me feel like that thing, like virginity and sex, that sex was so evil, was…a big deal.” She has now stopped attending church and shared her new perspective where she normalizes sex: “It’s just part of being human and it’s not that you become evil or you become worthless.” The fact she states one does not become worthless if one has premarital sex suggests that she did at one time believe that to be true. This sense of worthlessness, spoken of by multiple participants, is a key aspect of shame, which will be discussed below (Brown, 2006).

Jane spoke about similar intense negative feelings. She said, “I broke the law of chastity [and] it was awful.” When I asked what was awful about it, she said it was “the feelings afterwards….shame…self-hatred…uh…guilt.” These feelings suggest that Jane had lost her basic sense of worth as a result of having sex.

Sofia elaborated on the pain she felt because she had sexual desire. I asked what was painful about it and she said,

142 It was shame. Shame that I cannot control my thoughts. Shame that I cannot control my desires. Shame that…uh…I wanted to be good. To be…uh…to be prepared for my Prince Charming.

At this point she laughed, perhaps at her naivete that being “good” meant that she would not have sexual desire and be rewarded with landing the perfect man. While Sofia professed to a new perspective on sexual activity, it was apparent she still felt conflicted. She said,

Today I feel like I’m worthy, but I feel ashamed…is that the right word? I feel ashamed with God. I don’t feel that I deserve his blessings anymore, like…even though I’ve still got them. I still feeling that is, I’m not being, I’m not doing good, and that’s why I don’t… I don’t even, I know I’m not right, because he loves me, but [sighs]…like when you know that you are not doing something good and you talk with someone and you know, you know. You don’t feel good about talking with that person.

The fact that Sofia is asking whether she is using the “right word” suggests she views the researcher as an authority figure: someone who can confirm or disconfirm the appropriateness of the way she is describing her experience. It appears that how she is constructing herself during this conversation is being impacted by the person she is speaking with. This person is not only a researcher but a fellow Mormon woman who is well-versed in the religion’s standards of sexual activity. Could it be that when Sofia says “you don’t feel good about talking with that person,” she is speaking about me, the researcher?

Sofia also says that “I’m not being, I’m not doing good.” This suggests a tension between a view of herself as fundamentally flawed, which prompts a feeling of shame, or that she is merely behaving in a flawed or bad way, which prompts a much less intense feeling of guilt (Brown, 2006). I asked about what caused this feeling that she was not “doing good.” She stated it was not because she was sexually active; rather it was because she had stopped going to church, reading her scriptures and going to the temple. Then she reversed and said sexuality was a part of her feeling badly. She continued:

143 It's hard because...because I wish I could have both. I wish I could be feeling good at church, keep doing my tithing, I could keep reading the scriptures, and also have a relationship with God and no shame, no guilty, and still feel sexually healthy, mentally healthy…

I asked if she meant that if she weren’t expressing herself sexually, she would not be sexually healthy. She replied,

It’s hard…it’s hard. Probably…[pause]…I don’t know…I’m confused now…. probably not. I don’t know. To be honest…to be honest, I, um, I don’t know. I need to experiment more, I think.

She elaborates:

I don’t know how to explain it because I’m confused too. I’m confused too. It’s like, so many years of thinking one thing, and a couple of years of realizing these things, and I don’t know which one is healthier and which one is not. Because like I told you, I know the law of chastity is for protection. For protecting you from…evil, actually. From damage…and protecting you also for not pregnancy, protecting you from not being hurt. However, it’s hard when you are old and you have those things, like, desires.

Once again, it is apparent that Sofia feels conflicted. While she states at one point that she no longer believes sex is evil, here she states that the law of chastity is a protection from evil. It is not clear what she believes or exactly how she is defining evil, especially since it seems to be a separate category from the consequences of unprotected sex.

Sofia goes on to request, “don’t think that I’m too, like, experienced,” suggesting once again a fear of judgment from myself, the researcher. This dread of sanction is understandable given the context. Sofia is an immigrant and a person of colour and spoke about how she feels different from those around her. She has also chosen to engage in activities that are viewed as serious violations of Mormon standards.

Whether or not women experienced sanctions from others did not matter for some participants because they described great pain and judgment from within themselves. Fatima spoke of agony after a physical experience with a boyfriend. She said:

144 We would get hot and heavy making out or whatever, you know, and I remember one time he slept over and he had gone down my garments [sacred underwear] and I just remember like…oh, the pain in the morning was excruciating. We had this talk and we were both crying and it was like, we can’t…we can’t believe this happened. Because he had just gotten home from his mission. He was kind of older…

I asked her if she meant emotional pain and she replied:

Yeah, emotional pain. Yeah, just like, emotional pain of how could we let this happen, and then within a couple of months we were having inter—uh, oral sex.

She spoke of another similar situation and how she viewed herself:

So it made me feel horrible spiritually, because I was like, oh, I messed up for this stupid idiot, and it made me feel so weak that I would allow myself that to happen.

Fatima uses some very negative language to speak of sexual intimacy: “excruciating pain,” “horrible,” “messed up” and “weak.” She also speaks about “allowing” the intimacy to occur, appearing to take on all responsibility for activities that involved two consenting adults. It is interesting to wonder about the purpose of viewing things this way and how it serves her.

Piper spoke about having her first kiss with a boyfriend at age 17 and feeling extreme self-recrimination afterward. She said,

In my journal, I had these things written about how I felt guilty…I used the word slut several times…about how this was so wrong and I shouldn’t have been doing it and I did it anyway and that’s so bad and I had all of this guilt and shame about it.

When I asked why she felt so badly, she said it was something she was trying to figure out with her therapist. She did know that she had identified her boyfriend as someone she shouldn’t have been dating. He was Lutheran and “a not church approved boyfriend. He was a really good kid but he was not Mormon.”

145 Keeping a journal is something members of the Church are encouraged to do in order to preserve their personal histories. One Mormon leader, Spencer W. Kimball, even promised Mormon individuals that journals would be a “source of great inspiration” to their families and posterity (Jessee, 2015). It is interesting that in this case, Piper’s journal was a source of insight into issues regarding sexuality that continue to plague her to the present day. She continued,

I kind of realize that there’s, you know…I had all of this, if I can’t say no to a kiss, where am I going to be able to say no and so I had all of this fear wrapped up in it…. I realized that I freaked out about physical intimacy from basically the first moment that I ever had it.

She said that now she feels appalled that she felt that badly about kissing a boyfriend as a teenager and that “maybe I got some really unhealthy messaging that taught me to feel that way about my body or about sexuality.”

This “unhealthy messaging” manifesting as a fear of loss of control was echoed by another participant. Chantel said “I’m very protective of myself because I don’t want to have…even get close to, um, breaking the law of chastity.” She continued that “you get like your, good angel or whatever saying, no, you shouldn’t be doing this, and the other one saying, you must protect yourself. And then it’s like, nothing’s happening, it’s fine. This is normal.” When I asked her what it was like to hear those voices and try to figure out which one to trust, she said, “um….[sighs] well, you trust them both, but you still have to like, recognize that you’re still a person and you need…you need interaction, I guess? I don’t know.”

While some women had internalized shame, others experienced it from the men they dated. Kate said she had experienced blaming and shunning from Mormon men repeatedly after sexual activity had occurred. Kate described how men that would respond this way also told her they eliminated her from consideration for marriage. She said,

Even though they instigated it or they pushed it, it was, um, I was suddenly, like, they thought I was this really great, awesome girl, but then the second we were sexual, they were like, oh, now you’re like, no longer on my wife possible list .

146 Cause, we, you know, did that thing, and I’m not going to marry some chick who…would do…[that].

Kate was chastised and ultimately rejected by this man who used church teachings against her. Kate also described hearing from multiple bishops, men she dated and even her own family that because she had had premarital sex, she was no longer worthy of a virgin man and would have to be satisfied with someone who had sinned like her. One bishop told her “well you know, Kate, I just keep praying every night that you will find a man who will look past this about you.” It appears Kate was receiving some powerful messages of unworthiness from her bishop and her family. It is likely that experiences like these would have a major impact on one’s sexual self, or the ideas, beliefs and perceptions one holds about the sexual aspects of themselves (Andersen & Cyranowski, 1995). Indeed, Kate spoke of extremely negative feelings about her sexual self that manifested in dreams. She said:

I would have nightmares about, like, oil sludge…have you ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

R: uh…yup, I think so

K: ages ago, that entire room of all insects? I had a dream where all of that was coming out of my vagina.

R: ohh

K: that, like, bugs and oil and sludge and pollution was all coming out of my vagina…because I was no longer a virgin, I had an STI…I was disgusting. I was disgusting, I was trash, I was gross, um… I was just, I was garbage. And I woke up from that dream sobbing. I was like, I’m just the filthiest person on the planet.

R: that makes me want to cry

K: it…I…I was crushed. I felt so low about myself. And…I had no one comforting me or telling me, like, it’s going to be okay

The experiences of intense shaming led to Kate viewing herself not just as dirty and gross but as “the filthiest person on the planet.” Furthermore, as she said, there was no

147 one to mediate these ideas or provide alternative ways of viewing the situation. As far as she was concerned, whether she had fundamental worth as a person was in question. She continued: “I’m a piece of shit and I should be so lucky if someone loves me again someday.”

This experience exemplifies sexual shame, defined by Murray, Ciarrocchi and Murray-Swank (2007) as the “emotional experience of unworthiness that clusters around events of the past” (p. 225).

Shame in the Bishop’s Office

A church leader has full prerogative to determine another member’s standing or “worthiness” in the Church (Hafen, 1992). As mentioned earlier, it is implicitly understood that sexual sins are of a serious enough nature to be reported to the bishop, at which time he may “impose appropriate discipline” (Pearson, 1992).

Some participants spoke of disclosing what they viewed as sexual misconduct to bishops who did not provide the support and guidance they hoped for. Kate spoke about the first time she went to a bishop to confess a sexual indiscretion. She was 21. She had engaged in some heavy kissing and her male partner had rubbed himself against her. Her bishop responded very judgmentally. She relayed:

I had that bishop tell me that I was…God, what did he say. I was no longer straddling the line between good and evil. I had thoroughly crossed the line….he said, what do you expect me to do to honestly help you? And I was like, what do you mean? He’s like, well, I mean, I can help you now, but are you just going to come in the next week? And then the week after that and the week after that? I was like, uhh, no - ? But I mean, if I did, I hope that you would help me then, too. He was like, well, I don’t know. I don’t know if I could. And I was like, are you kidding me?....He full on told me that I was too far down the path for help.

To be told that one has crossed the line into fundamental evil, and is in fact past all hope of redemption, would seem to have serious impacts on one’s sense of identity. Kate said she left this meeting sobbing. She had sought to have a weight taken off her shoulders but she ended up feeling worse about herself. She stated that it was three years before she ever took the risk of seeing a bishop again. She believed there was no

148 point in confessing anything because she had already “thoroughly crossed the line.” Kate said this experience set the tone for how she viewed herself and her worth for a number of years.

Similarly, Sofia talked about going in to see her bishop for a number of weeks, experiencing ups and downs in her ability to refrain from sexual activity. While he was supportive at first, eventually he cut her off completely. She said:

He was trying to help me and everything. I was getting better, I was not, I was getting better, and then I… I just feel like, he got tired of that.

R: hmm. What gave you that impression?

S: [laughs] I don’t know. Because he texted me, “Sofia, I’m moving your records to the mid-singles.” Do you know to which one you have to go? I was like, why are you doing this?

R: he did that without getting your consent?

S: Yes. Uh…well, ok. And then I said, uh, let me find out. And then I tried to find out and I was like, oh the one I should go is this and this but it’s at nine and I work at nine…ok…yeah. And that was the way he kicked me out.

She then described dutifully attempting to attend some other church congregations. She also tried to connect with at least one new bishop but, as she describes it, he was too busy supporting others to meet with her. Sofia does not draw a line directly between this bishop kicking her out and her deciding to leave the Church, but it appears there is a connection. In one part of the interview she estimated that this getting “kicked out” happened about two years ago. Elsewhere in the interview she informed me that she stopped going to church about a year and a half ago because she started feeling she did not belong. It makes sense that she would have felt this way if even her ecclesiastical leader sent her the message (literally) that she was not welcome in the congregation anymore. It is possible that she felt shunned as a result of her struggles to remain celibate.

In telling this story, she positioned herself as an object—someone being acted upon—rather than a subject—someone who is acting of their own accord. She

149 questioned the decision (“why are you doing this?”) but appeared to have no ability to impact it. She also took upon herself the responsibility of finding out where her next congregation was, not even asking the bishop to provide that information. It appears that she felt she had to obey the bishop even though she questioned the decision. She attempted to do so, but upon meeting other obstacles, used her agency to decide to stop attending church.

Another, Melissa, spoke of the risk of being judged and shamed as the main reason she avoided having sex. For her, it was not about whether it was a commandment or not. She said: “I’m absolutely certain that the only thing that kept me from going all the way with some of the boys was that I didn’t want to go through the repentance and bishop’s interview process.” I asked if she meant that it did not come down to a moral question for her. She responded that “I didn’t want to deal with some man who didn’t know me or care about me from anybody else on the planet, looking down his nose at me and telling me I was a sinner.” For Melissa, it appeared she was more concerned about being judged by a stranger than by whether she was pleasing God.

Bishop’s interviews occur in a closed-door setting between the individual and the bishop and begin as early as 8 years old, when a bishop can interview a child to see if they are ready for the commitment of baptism [which occurs at 8 in the LDS church] (Pearson, 1992). The bishop decides what questions to ask about whatever sin the individual has disclosed. Multiple participants spoke about the difficulty of discussing sexual activity with their bishops, describing it as extremely awkward and/or uncomfortable. Fatima said she made a confession about masturbation and wondered what her bishop was thinking: “Like, I don’t know, thoughts going through my mind of, is he…picturing me…masturbating while I’m talking to him about this? She described it as “mortifying.”

It is expected that members of the Church will participate with meekness in bishop’s interviews. Participants described their interactions with bishops as such. In some cases they confided to me that they did not agree with a bishop’s decisions, but this is not something any of them actually said in the room with the bishop. I asked one participant, Kate, if it were possible to decline to answer questions within a bishop’s interview and she responded:

150 oh, absolutely not. Absolutely not. No, there’s always the expectation that you…because of the power dynamic you feel that whatever they’re asking you, you have to answer. Absolutely. There’s zero….And never once did I have a bishop tell me, you don’t have to answer this question. It may inform my decision. Or, you know, I’ve never had…I’ve never had a bishop ask me a question that I didn’t feel obligated to answer. And honestly, I think that…I think that unfortunately the Church is set up to make you feel that way on purpose. Because, you know, if you ever said “no, I’m not going to answer that,” then you’re defiant and you’re willful and…Satan has a really good hold on you. If you’re like, I’m not answering that. That’s really private and not okay.

It seems that refusing to answer the bishop’s questions is not just inappropriate but sinful. Kate imagines the possibility of saying no, but for her this must stay in the realm of imagination, because to actually say no carries serious risks. If the bishop does indeed see Kate as unrepentant for choosing not to answer his questions (Stack, 2017), she could lose her access to religious rituals. The choice is stark: an individual must attend the interview, answer whatever questions might be asked and accept whatever punishment might be meted out. If the person does not do all these things, the understanding is that they may forfeit their opportunity to repent and receive forgiveness. It is interesting that Kate framed setting personal boundaries as a defiant, willful and sinful act. In a context where individuals are expected to defer to authority, particularly when they are women, it more or less is.

In bishop’s interviews the questions are up to the bishop’s discretion. In some cases participants reported that bishops asked extremely personal questions that made them very uncomfortable. Fatima said, “I’ve had bishops ask me for like, details. You know, like….And then what happened? And how did you feel? Etc. What did you do? What did he do?” Kate’s experience was markedly worse. She states:

I remember I had a bishop asked me once if I climaxed….and I was just like, uhhh…[laughs] and I remember—God, how old was I? … I was like, nineteen or something and he was like, and I was like, this thing happened, and blah blah blah, and he’s like… He has his hands on top of my hands on the table in front of me and he goes, okay, well I’m just going to ask a question. I’m like, okay. He’s

151 like, did you climax? And I go, uhhhhh…I don’t know - ? I don’t…think so? And he goes [sighs] “okay.” [mimes patting hand] “okay, good.”

Kate’s response was to go outside the norms to learn more about bishop’s interview protocol. This protocol is spelled out in a church handbook that is only available to priesthood leaders, who are male. She indicated that she had deliberately tracked down a copy of this leaders-only handbook of instructions from a church bookstore “because I was like, I want to know what information do they have to know to actually make a decision? And really, they don’t have to know that much. At all. I mean—pardon me, at fucking all.”

By finding out the information herself, Kate was able to subvert the traditional power structure that keeps women from knowing the procedures by which they may receive church discipline. She found out that a bishop is not required to get very much information at all and was understandably angry at the exploitative and violative nature of her bishop’s interview.

Positive Experiences with Bishops

While the majority of participants (five of eight) that discussed bishop’s interviews reported awkward and/or negative experiences, three women also talked about having positive experiences. These participants spoke of their bishops in glowing, superlative terms such as: “an amazing bishop…who was awesome”; “most, kind, loving, like sweetest bishop I’ve ever had”; and “the best bishop ever.” There was little elaboration on what made these bishops so great besides that they were supportive, merciful and encouraged the individual to maintain their religious rituals (such as the sacrament). Indeed, for some people, confessing to a bishop can be healing (Stack, 2017).

Two of the three participants spoke to the importance of mercy as a religious principle. Fatima spoke about Brigham Young University, a church-owned school that requires its LDS students, faculty and staff to maintain the Church’s behavioural codes (especially abstinence from sexual relationships outside of marriage). She said, “I would like to think that they’re not that strict because it’s the Lord’s university and the Lord is merciful, you know what I mean?” For these participants, it seemed that allowing for mistakes and responding with leniency and love, rather than strict adherence to rules

152 and corresponding punishment, was a true manifestation of the principles of their religion.

Discussion

The bishop’s interview appears to be the crux of the conflict between the four constraints single Mormon women must navigate. In this situation, a woman must submit to male authority; she must discuss whatever sexual activities the authority inquires about; she risks being judged and/or shamed about those activities; and as some participants discussed, she sublimates her own feelings of distress during the process. The tension between agency and authority will be discussed first, followed by a discussion regarding shame.

In the Mormon belief system, both obedience and intellectual freedom are fundamental religious principles. Agency is seen as a God-given capacity while obedience to God’s commandments is the way individuals are expected to use their agency (Warner, 1992). This creates a tension that scholars and observers both inside and outside the Church have recognized (Mauss, 2015). Catholic sociologist Thomas F. O’Dea describes this as the “dilemma of authority and obedience versus democracy and individualism,” or, at the operational level, “consent versus coercion” (as cited in Mauss, 2015, p. 386).

Psychologist Michael Bamberg (2011) speaks of this as the “agency-dilemma” (p. 10). In his view, the fundamental question is who is in control? In other words, whose agency is involved and to what degree? Is the person a subject who constructs their world and sees themselves as an agent, or are they an “undergoer” who is positioned by “societal, socio-cultural constraints seemingly ‘always and already’ at work” (p. 9)? Bamberg (2011) suggests that the agency-dilemma be viewed as a constantly fluctuating navigation between the self as subject and the self as object.

Lori Beaman (2001) interviewed 28 Canadian LDS women with the goal of learning if LDS women maintained their autonomy and agency within the patriarchal system of the Church and if so, how. She found that LDS women exercise agency in both how they interpret doctrine and sometimes by how they ignore it. The women dealt with inequalities through “cognitive restructuring”, defined as “reinterpreting their

153 environment and adjusting their responses to it” (Beaman, 2001, p. 66) so as to preserve their self-esteem and maintain their religious beliefs. Beaman (2001) found that some participants accepted the decisions of male leadership as being inspired by God, as Fatima initially did. Others, however, distinguished between their faith in God, a perfect being, versus church leaders, who they saw as imperfect. Those in the latter group created this separation in order to maintain their commitment to their faith in the wake of the occasional aversion they felt towards church policies. Viewing dictates as originating from flawed human men rather than from a perfect God enabled these women to stay committed to the faith (Beaman, 2001).

Other Mormons have commented on the potential detriments of the Church’s focus on obedience to the rules and how this may impact agency. Individuals may learn that obeying rules is more important than developing critical thinking skills and using agency wisely (Croft, 2018). One concerned Mormon has expressed fear that for some Mormons, “arbitrary rules [have] become a mindless substitute for thoughtful engagement with life” (Croft, 2018). She asks why God has given individuals agency if there is only one actual option: following leaders.

The importance of unquestioning obedience, and the risk of sanctions if not demonstrated, was highlighted in Kane’s (2018) study of LDS temple-attending women. She spoke with one woman who described feeling marginalized because of what she saw as inequality in the LDS temple ceremony. She brought this concern to her bishop. His response was to temporarily deny her recommend, or basically “temple access pass,” until they “work[ed] this out together” (p. 106). Not only did the woman not receive clarity and comfort, the bishop asserted his authority by “invalidating her concerns” and preventing her from accessing religious ritual (p. 106). Kane states:

His response demonstrates the ways in which local ecclesiastical leaders can employ techniques of social control to manage women’s thoughts and feelings, equating their curiosity and questioning with unrighteousness (p. 107).

It seems that women are not permitted to voice concerns. Male leaders, who control women’s access to the temple, also control what women can say.

Perhaps more sobering is a history of Mormon women silencing each other. Kane (2018) found that numerous women described trying to discuss their concerns

154 about religious identity and institutional patriarchy with other women and being sanctioned by those women. They were made to know that if their stories did not promote faith or fit with normative interpretations, they would not be heard. Kane (2018) found that a patriarchally-determined norm of silence was aided and abetted by women who adhered to the norms and suppressed other women’s attempts to dialogue. Participants stated that it was common to see women “shamed, embarrassed or interrupted and their perspectives dismissed by other women” (p. 108). This perhaps explains why Sofia, for example, was concerned about whether she would be judged and subdued by me, the researcher.

This study explored how Mormon women make meaning of the agency-dilemma and how it impacts their agency. Burke (2012) argues that it is simplistic to see women in this or any other gender-traditional religion as either “empowered or victimized, liberated or subordinated” (p. 123). She argues that much more nuance is needed and suggests four approaches to viewing agency: resistance, empowerment, instrumental and compliant.

As described previously, the resistance agency approach focuses on women who actively attempt to challenge or change some part of the religion (beliefs or practices). The empowerment approach looks at how women “reinterpret religious doctrine or practices in ways that make them feel empowered in their everyday life” (pp. 123-124). The instrumental approach emphasizes the non-religious outcomes of religious practice (i.e., the veil worn by Muslim women is a distinct cultural and religious marker that can aid in the development of friendships). And finally, the compliant approach recognizes agency in women who participate in gender-traditional religions for other reasons, such as becoming an authentic religious being.

At least two participants seemed to represent the resistance approach. Gertrude seemed to view it as her moral obligation to stay and work for change. She said:

It sounds like I’m quite critical of the Mormon world but it’s really from, more a point of, I’m really concerned about this organization, you know, this organized religion that I love so much. I’m really concerned with kind of, things I see.

Melissa said:

155 Part of me says, I should stay involved and be more involved you know, act as a voice of reason in the wilderness or the canary in the coal mine or whatever you want to call it, but another part of me is like, fuck this, no, I’m done.

Melissa and Kate were two women who decided to leave in part because of the harm they had suffered as well as the futility they sensed of trying to change anything within the institution. Kate stated that as she grew into her thirties, she had begun questioning the validity of the doctrines of the Church. She stated that the catalogue of harms and wounds to her sexual self, a result of views and behaviour embedded within Church culture, provided the final impetus to leave. She said she realized, “I could stay and hate myself or I could leave and actually risk loving myself—all of myself.” For her, leaving the Church was a form of self-preservation.

Kane (2018) observed that within the organization, “less visible layers of control are so powerful that LDS women are more likely to leave the Church rather than oppose it from an insider location” (p. 108). Though if a person stays and tries to advocate for change from the inside, they are likely to face excommunication anyway. The most prominent examples of this regarding women’s issues are the excommunications of feminist advocate Kate Kelly, who advocated for female ordination and was excommunicated in 2014 (Walch, 2014); Sonia Johnson, who protested against the Church’s opposition to the Equal Rights Amendment in 1977 (Bowman, 2012); and the so-called “September Six”, the majority of whom advocated for greater equality for women in the Church (Brooks, Steenblik & Wheelwright, 2016).

While these women considered ways of actively trying to challenge the institution or the established norms within it, others spoke of much more subtle challenges, such as Fatima asking her bishop if he heard her correctly during an interview where she felt the punishment was unfair.

The empowerment approach is applicable to other women in the study. Many participants spoke of re-interpreting or modifying the existing standards to fit with their desires or behaviour. Burke (2012) states this approach does not require that women try to change religious beliefs or practices but that they change their responses to beliefs or practices. Examples of this include Diane choosing to masturbate in spite of conflicting

156 church messages about it and Fatima actually stating that she was going to make her own standards rather than rely on her bishop.

Research among evangelical women (Burke, 2012) has found that they view some part of their religion to be empowering. For the participants in this study, they viewed the law of chastity as helpful to them in some ways, though there was ambiguity. Piper stated she did not regret keeping it before marriage. She thinks it may have hurt her, but she is uncertain whether that was due to the Church or her family’s way of approaching it. Fatima and Chantel expressed full support and understanding of the law. Jane said she felt it was important and she wanted to keep it her whole life. On the other hand, she spoke of some occasions where she had not and described these as fundamental to her maturing.

Beaman (2001) asserted that religious participation is not a static state but a dynamic process. Women in Mormonism may utilize more than one of these approaches to agency at various times in their lives, depending on how pressing they perceive the issue to be. When sexuality is already so delegitimized in the culture, however, it may not be something women view as important and they may not take an empowered approach to it.

Women may be particularly unlikely to view their sexuality positively given the shame they experience around it. Participants in this study described fear about saying no to sexual activities and feeling a desire for protection from evil. This suggests they view sex as dangerous. It is not clear whether they see the danger as physical, for example consequences that could result from unprotected sex such as diseases or pregnancy. Or perhaps for them the danger is more emotional and psychological, in terms of the shame they may face from themselves and shunning from others. Messages from church leaders certainly do speak of the perils of sex outside of marriage. Ones from the 1990s, when some of these women were teenagers, were quite threatening. Apostle Richard Scott (1994) declared:

Sexual immorality…cause[s] serious emotional and spiritual harm. [It] engenders selfishness and can produce aggressive acts such as brutality, abortion, sexual abuse, and violent crime.

Apostle Jeffrey Holland (1998) said:

157 If you persist in pursuing physical satisfaction without the sanction of heaven, you run the terrible risk of such spiritual, psychic damage that you may undermine both your longing for physical intimacy and your ability to give wholehearted devotion to a later, truer love…. Unless such powers are controlled and commandments kept, your future may be burned; your world could go up in flames.

The image of fire was repeated in a quote used by at least three different male leaders. One example is in a talk from Apostle Neal Maxwell (1993), who said:

A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume both the individual and the group.

With messages from church leaders like these, where premarital sexual activity is equated with harm and ruin and loss, it is no wonder that individuals could feel terrified about sexual activity. It also makes sense why they would feel such intense shame.

This shame can be perpetuated by the lack of a safe, nonjudgmental space in which to discuss sexuality and sexual desires. A number of participants spoke to the importance of this study, suggesting there is a yearning for the opportunity to discuss these issues in a safe space. Fatima said she thought the questions are important ones to ask. Gertrude, Chantel and Kate expressed they were happy the study was being done because of the need to talk about sexuality more. Melissa said:

I’m just super glad you’re doing the study. I think it’s important. I think it’s something that needs to be made available--the results of it need to be made available in places where women are likely to see them.

Melissa seems to feel that learning about how other Mormon women have grappled with these challenges will help them feel less alone and less unique in their struggles. It has been suggested that women benefit from hearing other women’s stories and coping strategies (Sutton, 2009). The issues can become more normalized. Perhaps also, as women begin to understand how common these experiences are, they could

158 come together to work collectively for more open discussions and better education regarding these issues. Chantel, who stated she was not even sure she has a relationship with her sexuality, said the following:

These are good questions, too, because I feel--I honestly feel like we don’t talk about this subject enough in the Church. I was talking to my friend about this too. Whether it’s… I don’t know exactly if it’s the Church’s responsibility to talk about it, but at the same time, we all do need a place where it’s…we know it’s safe, we know everybody has the same standards, and I think it would be good to talk about that in the Church. And not to feel judged or anything, like, just basic exploration, we’re trying to figure it out.

It was apparent from the interviews that women’s feelings, desires and bodily responses are all under scrutiny by men. There is no sanctioned space for women to discuss sexuality. The only appropriate place is in the bishop’s office, in the context of transgression. As Kane (2018) asserts, this “forces women to follow a pathway in which the most likely outcome is to be invalidated or punished” (p. 108).

In an earlier section, church messages regarding “purity” as it is related to sexuality were discussed. It was mentioned that these messages are only given in regards to women, who are told that their “virtue” is at stake if they engage in premarital sexual activity. It seems these ideas may influence bishops who make decisions about appropriate penalties and decide upon harsher penalties for women. Women who receive these punishments or hear about them from others may then believe more firmly in the messages equating female sexual activity with loss of “virtue” and worth. Indeed, Finlayson-Fife (2016) found that most of her Mormon participants had internalized a sexual double standard. The women believed that sexual acts were less serious for men than for women and were more willing to forgive their husbands’ past “transgressions” than themselves.

A number of participants spoke of the shame they felt because of the questions the bishop asked them. Explicit questions are not uncommon. As Stack (2017) has stated, some bishops keep their interview questions general while others ask detailed questions about masturbation, petting and/or fornication. This kind of invasive questioning by a church authority with the power to excommunicate can have serious

159 implications for a woman’s sense of agency and her ability to form a healthy sexual self. Over time, a woman creates and modifies cognitive constructions of how things work, which are fundamentally important in how she experiences her sexuality and how she perceives herself as a sexual person (Daniluk, 1998). These meanings are dynamic, continually being refined as women take on new roles, experiences and relationships. If, at a formative age a woman experiences humiliation and shaming when speaking about sexual activity, it is likely these feelings will be perpetuated into future experiences as well as, fundamentally, her view of herself.

In 2018 the Church published a new policy document entitled “Preventing and Responding to Abuse” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 2018b). In speaking about the new policy, official LDS church spokesman Eric Hawkins (2017) said:

In [bishop] interviews, church leaders are instructed to be sensitive to the character, circumstances and understanding of the young man or young woman. They are counseled to not be unnecessarily probing or invasive in their questions, but should allow a young person to share their experiences, struggles and feelings.

However, the fact that young men and women can be requested to discuss explicit sexual experiences with an older male authority figure whom both parties believe has a right to question them is concerning to many members of the Church (Stack, 2017). These types of situations, where there is an “inherent power differential — adult to youth, authority to follower, male to female” (Stack, 2017) are rife with risks. Stack (2017) has asked whether the bishop’s interview itself constitutes sexual harassment. Some therapists have reported that LDS bishops occasionally seem to take an “almost voyeuristic pleasure” in asking teen girls about their sexual experiences (Stack, 2017). Many clients have reported bishops asking for more information than was outlined in the handbook, resulting in girls feeling uneasy and confused about the possibility that the men were titillated by their answers (Stack, 2017).

In fact, a member of the Mormon church and former bishop, Sam Young, started an online petition in 2017 to end the practice of sexually explicit questions in bishop’s interviews with children and youth (Young, 2017). As well as launching the petition,

160 Young formed a group called Protect LDS Children, went on a three-week hunger strike and led a march to the church’s headquarters in Salt Lake City to deliver tens of thousands of signatures in support. Church leaders’ response was to excommunicate him. Leaders stated it was not because he had concerns or disagreed with the Church’s guidelines but because he had acted to “undermine the church and its leaders” through public opposition (Stack, 2018a).

As Mormon therapist Julie de Azevedo Hanks points out, asking children and youth about details of their sexual experiences with bishops is:

intrusive, inappropriate and sends a mixed message regarding boundaries around sexual conversation with adult men. In no other situation would a parent allow or encourage their minor child to have sexual conversations with an adult (as quoted in Stack, 2017).

These messages around boundaries can have powerful, lifelong impacts. A Mormon blogger (L, K., 2018) described some thus:

As a child and young adult, from multiple leaders in multiple contexts, I was asked questions about masturbation, about whether I had climaxed during a make-out session, about where exactly hands went, about how frequently things had occurred. Not one of these questions was remotely helpful or appropriate. They triggered deep shame and anxiety, and taught me that I could not trust my own instincts about what was okay and what wasn’t: these questions felt wrong, yet here were representatives of God asking them because of a policy mandated by “prophet, seers, and revelators.” I learned to sublimate my God-given instincts that protect me from danger to the authority of the Church. I was made weaker and more vulnerable to abuse and harm as a result.

Through these violative experiences, this woman learned that she could not trust herself. As she points out, she became more vulnerable to harm as a result. If women are trained to ignore their discomfort when men in authority engage with them in sexual ways, this may set precedents that influence how women respond in other situations.

Further, if women experience discomfort and shame while talking about sexual experiences in this context, it may be very difficult for them to shake these feelings in

161 other contexts. If a woman internalizes these negative feelings, these can become incorporated into her sexual self (Andersen & Cyranowski, 1995). Shame, the researchers go on to say, involves global negative evaluations of the self (i.e., who I am) versus guilt, which is about feeling badly about doing something specifically wrong or condemning a specific behaviour (i.e., what I did). Shame, they state, is extremely painful because “our whole being is at fault. Shame makes us feel condemned to our very core" (Murray, Ciarrocchi & Murray-Swank, 2007, p. 225). Brown (2006) adds that this leads to a belief one is flawed and unworthy of acceptance.

A prominent example of this belief can be seen in the experience of Elizabeth Smart, a Mormon woman who was kidnapped at age 14 and abused for nine months. Now an adult, she has repeatedly spoken about how chastity lessons she received as a teenager made her kidnapping experience worse. She said she believed that after being raped and sexually abused she had lost all of her worth. She felt like a chewed-up piece of gum that was only good for being thrown away (Bennion, 2013).

A person experiences situations that they define as sexual and comes to view themselves as a particular kind of “sexual” person. Over time, the more situations they experience, the more they solidify their self-conceptualization as sexual beings. Elizabeth Smart experienced feelings of worthlessness because she had been sexually violated. Kate, Sofia and other participants engaged or were coerced into sexual activity and came to internalize the messages that they should see themselves as dirty and worthless. Sofia believed that feeling sexual desire was a weakness that had to be overcome. It took years for these women to overcome those messages and know that their sexual activities had nothing to do with their worth.

Some may wonder why single women stay in the Church when they can face such duress. Many do not just stay, either; they go through what can be the “mortifying” process of the bishop’s interview multiple times. What compels them to stay? For some, it may come from a desire to remain part of a community and a religion that has significant meaning and influence on almost every aspect of their lives. Fatima said that she could not leave it behind even if she wanted to: “Sometimes I had wished that I had lost my testimony, because then it would’ve been easier to do the things I wanted to do.” Sofia also said that in spite of everything, the Church was a part of her. Though she does not attend church anymore, she said “I still [sic] wearing my garments…uh… I tried

162 to…I tried to take them off and uh… I couldn’t. It is just now… I feel like, being Mormon is just part of my life.”

This feeling of belonging is one that is put at risk when shame enters the picture. For women, shame is bound up in an interpersonal context that includes relationships and connection (Brown, 2006). Perhaps it is worth it to go through an emotionally draining and even damaging experience if it means one can avoid the risk of losing these connections. As Miller and Stiver (1997) put it,

We believe that the most terrifying and destructive feeling that a person can experience is psychological isolation. This is not the same as being alone. It is feeling that one is locked out of the possibility of human connection and of being powerless to change the situation. In the extreme, psychological isolation can lead to a sense of hopelessness and desperation. People will do almost anything to escape this combination of condemned isolation and powerlessness. (p. 72)

Perhaps this explains why women submit to the process: because the risk of shunning and of isolation is simply too much to bear.

The experience of shame as a result of bishop’s interviews was not discussed in any of the existing literature. In the literature, women expressed feelings of guilt and shame stemming from their churches’ teachings on sexuality or from their own sexual desires. This study appears to be the first that explores women’s experiences of shame due to confessing their sexual behaviour to male clergy and receiving sanctions for that behaviour.

163 Conclusion

I would like to elaborate on the title of the thesis, “a ghost at church.” This was the way a participant described herself after she had been disfellowshipped, or put on religious probation, and was not allowed to participate in most religious rituals for one year. The more I thought about this phrase, the more it seemed an apt description of single women’s experiences at church. Ghosts cannot do the normal activities living beings can such as eat, sleep and have sex; a single woman expressing herself sexually is similarly unthinkable. Like a ghost who lacks flesh and blood, a single woman is not seen as a whole person; that only comes if and when she marries. A single woman is often not visible, or only visible to some. Visibility may not translate to audibility: there are things she wants to say and experiences she wants to share, but she may not be heard. A single woman hangs around the periphery of things. And as at least two church members said to participants in this study, it would be better if she weren’t there at all. Like a ghost, a single woman may be seen as threatening. She may be seen as a spirit to banish so that those who want to occupy the space can feel comfortable. There is limited awareness of the single person’s narrative because it is not the dominant narrative. Therefore, it is my hope that this thesis helps to make more “visible” single Mormon women and the challenges they face.

The current study explored and provided an understanding of how single LDS women narrate their experience of sexuality within the Church, how they navigate the expectation of celibacy (or chastity) before marriage and how they make meaning of its implications for their mental health and well-being. This research is important in light of the silence women in conservative religions face regarding sexuality as well as the patriarchal expectations to defer to male authority. The concluding chapter of this thesis provides a summary of the current study, addresses the limitations and strengths of the methods used, offers implications for future research and discusses the recommendations of the study findings for Mormon religious leaders, mental health workers who support Mormon women and the institution as a whole.

As with all research, the current study has both limitations and strengths. Each will be discussed in turn.

164 Limitations

One of the limitations of the study was the recruitment methods. The sample was derived from ultimately, either a contact’s connection to me (snowball sampling) or a participant’s access to a computer and membership in a Facebook group about Mormon topics. Women who did not have access to a computer who were not members of Mormon Facebook groups were not aware of the study.

The study was also limited to participants who speak at least an intermediate level of English. Since American culture is deeply interwoven with Mormonism (Bowman, 2012), it would be interesting to look at the experiences of single Mormon women in other countries where the cultural understandings, beliefs and expectations around female sexuality may be different from those in North America. Location may also affect how women receive “doctrinal” messages. For example, if these women receive fewer talks, lessons, manuals etc. on chastity from Mormon leaders due to the simple issue of lack of translation, do these women also experience fewer pressures and difficulties? Or are the expectations around chastity so embedded in the culture and doctrine that they are experienced in similar ways worldwide?

Another limitation was that I only interviewed women. As Finlayson-Fife (2002) points out, interviewing men “would allow a greater distinction to be made between the burdens of patriarchy on women’s sexual agency and the burdens of a restrictive sexual code, generally” (p. 238).

While it may have been a strength to be a Mormon woman myself, it is also likely this made participants wary. As a fellow member of the religion, I may have been seen as more likely to understand the challenges, but also more likely to judge because of knowing exactly what the boundary violations are. During the interviews I used my counselling training to maintain as non-judgmental a stance as possible. In interpreting and writing about the results, I strove to make objective observations about participants’ experiences and refrain from including my subjective reactions to their thoughts and behaviour. .

Another major limitation in the research is self-selection bias: I only talked with women who were willing to discuss their experiences regarding sexuality. Volunteer bias in sexuality research is an issue that has been discussed in the methodological research

165 literature since the 1970s (Strassberg & Lowe, 1995). In one study, researchers studied biases associated with volunteering for studies in human sexuality and found that, compared to non-volunteers, volunteers reported “a more positive attitude towards sexuality, less sexual guilt and more sexual experience” (Strassberg & Lowe, 1995, p. 369). They found this to be true regardless of religious background (Strassberg & Lowe, 1995). Interestingly, the researchers were located at the University of Utah and specifically named the fact that Utah has a large Mormon population as their reason for including religion as an independent variable in their study. They spoke with Mormons and found that in general, those who self-identified as Mormon reported more sexual guilt and less sexual experience than non-Mormons or those identifying no religion; however, they stated that these differences did not interact with volunteer status, suggesting that biasing effects are likely in other religious demographics as well (Strassberg & Lowe, 1995).

A more recent article (Dunne, 2012) summarizes the findings of a number of studies which corroborate the above findings:

Compared with refusers, volunteers have been found less often to be virgins, have had more sexual partners, be more interested in erotica and novel sexual practices, hold liberal sexual attitudes, and indicate higher sexual self-esteem and less personal sexual guilt. (p. 107)

Given this information, it is possible that the women who volunteered to participate in this study have more liberal attitudes towards sexuality and higher sexual self-esteem. Indeed, some of them disclosed having had sexual partners in spite of being unmarried. However, the majority of participants, even those who were sexually active, also spoke about high levels of guilt and lack of sexual self-esteem. It cannot be known how representative this sample is of all Mormon women. At the same time, the experiences of the women who participated in this study may have implications for others who seek support for difficulties navigating their sexuality.

Strengths

My review of the literature suggests that the current study is the only research to date that explores the experiences of single Mormon women of various sexual and

166 gender orientations in regards to their sexuality. Previous research has explored the experiences of Mormon women with same-sex attraction (Anderton, 2010; Jacobsen, 2013; Severson, 1998) and married heterosexual LDS women (Finlayson-Fife, 2002) Other research from over twenty years ago explored the experiences of male and female single Mormons combined (Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987).

I maintained multiple activities throughout the study that contributed to its overall trustworthiness. I engaged in reflexivity through journaling and memo writing; consulted with my primary supervisor; engaged in conversations with a peer researcher; and used member checks to assess authenticity and provide participants control over their own stories.

During the member check process, I was very pleased to learn that the participants viewed the data from both other women as well as themselves as closely representing their own experiences. To initiate the process, I provided a draft version of the findings and discussion chapter to each participant. At least three of the eight participants who participated in member checks reported that they read the entire chapter and found resonances with what other participants had said. The women said that reading the stories was empowering, validating and affirming. One reported that being able to witness her story helped her realize it is an important story and worth witnessing. As a result, she felt less alone. Another’s perspective shifted because of what she read. She stated: “This really resonates with me…in ways I hadn’t actually contemplated before talking with you and reading this.” These reactions suggest the presence of catalytic validity (Lather, 1986), or the fact that the research has re-oriented, focused and energized participants. The study appears to have had a “reality-altering impact” on participants. This suggests just how important the study is. Participants themselves suggested it would be beneficial for other Mormon women to read. It seems important therefore to disseminate the findings to other women who may benefit from reading it.

One of the strengths of this study is its inclusion of a diverse range of participants in terms of ethnicity, nationality, age and sexual orientation. This was important given a strong bias for White, American, heterosexual women in the literature. Including all sexual orientations was encouraged by Shaw (1987), who spoke of the importance of illuminating challenges faced specifically by this Mormon sub-population.

167 The study also included a range of levels of affiliation with the Mormon church, heeding another call from Shaw (1987) that future research on single Mormons and sexuality specifically include those who are no longer actively involved with Mormonism in order to gain a broader understanding of the challenges. This importance was emphasized by completing the literature review and seeing that some Christian and Mormon women leave their churches over the issue of sexual desire.

Another strength that arose, due to using a narrative research methodology, was the opportunity it provided women to tell their own stories and get a sense of themselves as they navigated the challenges. Melissa made this statement on her experience:

Your questions offered an excellent opportunity for me to reflect on my own views and beliefs about myself and my place in the culture, and that exercise has been really interesting and helpful for me.

Being a single Mormon woman myself, my insider status may have provided a level of trust, openness and safety that would otherwise be difficult to achieve (Dwyer & Buckle, 2009). Participants may have been more willing to disclose their thoughts and feelings because they believed I would understand if not share them. Participants may have trusted me more than a non-Mormon researcher, especially on such a personal topic, since Mormons are generally protective of community and personal knowledge (Finlayson-Fife, 2002).

Finally, as a trained therapist, I was able to offer empathy, curiosity and a non- judgmental stance. My goal was to create a safe environment to explore a sensitive topic. It appeared that two participants in particular greatly appreciated the opportunity to discuss their experiences, given their interviews lasted over two and a half hours.

Implications for Counselling

This study has provided greater insight into how single LDS women make meaning of their sexuality within the Mormon church and culture. From the results of this research, we have seen that single women must navigate their sexuality within a context where they face a lack of legitimacy due to both their marital status and gender. These significant constraints impact how these women use their agency, which in turn affects how they view themselves and form their identities, including their sexual identities.

168 In general, previous research in this area has established the imperative for therapists who work with LDS clients to have a basic understanding of and sensitivity to the culture (Finlayson-Fife, 2002; Lyon, 2013; Rutledge, 1993). Counsellors who work with single LDS women in particular could support their clients by exploring the women’s perceptions of their agency and their identity within the culture. Counsellors could introduce the concept of identity as the interaction of a person’s self-concept with how others conceive her (Nelson, 2001) and explore it further. It could be useful to explore how much weight the client gives to others’ conceptions of her versus her own view and, if it lacks balance, support the client in moving towards a greater balance. This assistance to help clients increase their sense of agency could look different from one client to the next. Perhaps for one it looks like a shift in how they view what is spoken of as doctrine; perhaps for another it looks like finding safe ways in line with their values for sexual expression. It seems important a greater sense of agency is particularly important for women who attend bishop interviews. Counsellors can help clients figure out how to navigate the bishop’s interview in terms of what will they answer, what will they decline to answer and what their coping strategies will be if they encounter resistance.

As the research found, single Mormon women may experience guilt, shame and a lack of self-worth in regards to their sexuality. Counsellors need to empathically explore this in a person-centred way that includes unconditional positive regard and a nonjudgmental attitude (Finlayson-Fife, 2002). This will be important in assisting women move towards self-acceptance. The power of shame is lessened when silence and secrecy are no longer kept (Brown, 2004). Providing a safe space in which to discuss sexuality at all could be very beneficial. In Rutledge’s (1993) study, many of her participants said they did not know anyone in the LDS community to whom they could take their concerns about issues of intimacy “without fear of condemnation” (p. 103).

Psychoeducation can be considered another important aspect of counselling work with this population. Introducing ideas regarding the sociocultural construction of “sexuality” and the dominant scripts in Western society that privilege male desire could help single LDS women develop a greater understanding of factors beyond personal or doctrinal ones that influence their sexuality (Hare-Mustin, 1994; Tiefer, 2001). As Tiefer (2001) declares:

169 Too many are…blinded by the idea that sex is somehow natural and don’t see the social constructions at work….They take too personally the anxiety that inevitably results from ignorance and insecurity….If you lack “media literacy” and “consumer literacy”, then you’re going to be a patsy. (p. xiv)

Counsellors could also provide psychoeducation on healthy sexual identity, sharing models such as Worthington et al. (2002), where sexual identity includes identification and awareness of one’s sexual needs and adoption of personal sexual values, among other things. Single Mormon women who wish to remain affiliated with the Church may not wish to act on their sexual desires, but developing a greater awareness of what they feel and how they wish to manage their feelings may help them become more integrated and motivated by internal rather than external factors. As Lara (2017) states:

More must be done to help women gain a greater understanding of their sexual identity and take an active and conscious role in their own formation of their sexual identity to decrease the influence of negative messages, values, and myths from extraneous sources and increase awareness of positive formation experiences. (p. 108)

Counsellors can help women realize that sexual and spiritual growth is an interrelated developmental process across the life span; one cannot occur without the other (Conn, 1996; Mahoney, 2008).

Finally, the patriarchal nature of the culture means that the therapist-client gender dynamic must be carefully navigated (Lyon, 2013). Lyon (2013) declares it is probable that both male and female Mormons would be more resistant to working with a female therapist and may be “overly deferential and obedient” to a male therapist (p. 627). Male therapists who see Mormon women must be careful not to replicate a problematic bishop-confessor dynamic, where a male authority figure requires women to violate personal boundaries. Male therapists who provide psychoeducation on appropriate boundaries and model it could thus provide healing experiences for women.

Specific to Mormons who Experience Same-Sex Attraction

Jacobsen & Wright (2014) declare that counsellors who work with individuals experiencing conflict between their religion and sexual orientation need to work within

170 the client’s values. They point out that counsellors must honour all aspects of a client’s identity. Given that the identity of same-sex attracted individuals is delegitimized within the LDS faith, it may be helpful for counsellors to explore how clients self-identify. In general, identity exploration could be useful in terms of exploring clients’ self-concepts and the impact this has on their self-esteem. Counsellors could also explore how clients view God and how that impacts their identity. As participants recounted, coming to see God as more diverse than they originally believed, in terms of gender and other attributes, helped them to see themselves as acceptable in God’s eyes.

Participants also spoke of how important it was for them to see other LGBT2QI people, specifically ones who were leading healthy, happy lives, in order for them to accept themselves. Counsellors could connect clients to LGBT2QI organizations for peer support, groups and other resources.

Implications for Research

The limited research conducted on women in conservative religions and sexuality has focused on White, American, middle-class, partnered or married heterosexual women. The research has lacked attention to race, geographic location, class, sexual orientation and marital status. In regards to single Mormons specifically, research is limited and dated (Rutledge, 1993; Shaw, 1987). I derived much of what is currently known about the challenges of single Mormon women and sexuality from grey literature.

It is important for more research to be done with many understudied populations such as those of other races and ethnicities, those in other areas of the world besides North America, other classes, other sexual orientations and other marital status. Future studies need to be inclusive of much more heterogeneous populations in general. There is a lack of attention to the particular challenges faced by these understudied populations and therefore much is unknown and not understood. Furthermore, emphasis needs to be placed on single individuals, of all genders, who arguably face greater challenges and stigma regarding their sexuality than those who are married.

The most unexpected finding of the study was the emphasis on challenges participants face with bishop interviews. It seems clear that many single LDS women struggle with trusting their own authority because of the pressure to defer to priesthood

171 authority. It would be useful for future studies to explore how to advocate for women’s needs within a strictly patriarchal institution. Future research could also explore how women can be supported to navigate the challenge of trusting themselves in ways that support their mental health and well-being. This premise is supported by the response multiple participants had to my question of what they see as the takeaway of their story. Five of the eight participants who participated in member checks said the most important point of their stories is that women can figure out their own paths. Participants declared that women do not have to try to fit inside a box; they do not have to be subject to the whims of male authority; they shouldn’t allow others to have the final word on who they are; and finally, it is possible to find peace in making choices that are right for them personally.

From a counselling perspective, greater understanding of the needs of these specific populations will enable development of more supportive therapeutic strategies. This will be relevant for both lay clergy as well as professional therapists who provide counselling to these individuals.

Recommendations

Single Mormon women are located within a context where they face a lack of legitimacy due to both their marital status and gender. This can have significant impacts on how they view themselves and their worth. Mormon clergy need to be aware of these challenges and recognize the validity of the struggles. Leaders therefore need to be more careful as to how they interact with single women. Their interactions with single women should be supportive and free of judgment. Women need to know they have fundamental worth. This worth is not dependent on marital status. Nor is it taken away if they engage in sexual activity. Leaders could help single Mormons internalize a sense of worth by focusing less on whether they have attained the goal of marriage and more on whether they are living a good Christian life. The single women I spoke with are well aware of the importance of marriage. It would be helpful to focus more on fundamental Mormon doctrines that every Church member can strive towards such as personal spirituality and growth and strengthening one’s relationship with God. This change in focus could be particularly important for individuals who feel same-sex attraction and/or identify as LGBTQ2S and desire to maintain their Church membership. In addition, Church members could benefit from more nuanced lessons and stories about faith, with

172 greater attention paid to stories of those who pray with sincere intent but do not receive what they desire (Sutton, 2013). For many single Church members, a “just keep waiting” message is not supportive and carries the risk of implying something is wrong with them.

Furthermore, leaders should be guided by fundamental Mormon principles when counselling women who have engaged in sexual activity. Specifically, this means modeling the unconditional love of God and speaking frequently of the power of the atonement to heal all sins. Leaders must refrain from telling someone they are beyond help or moving their records to another congregation without their consent. Secondly, leaders must not ask explicit questions about sexual activity. If the questions must be asked, give stewardship of women’s sexuality over to women, as Butterworth suggests (2016). The president of the women’s and young women’s organizations could take this on as part of their callings. These leaders could also be tasked with providing what many participants said is lacking at church: a safe, nonjudgmental space for single members to talk about sexuality.

As Diane wistfully expressed, it would be supportive if there were a ritual other than marriage that serves as recognition of adulthood. Diane imagined it as something that “enabled you to feel that sense of progression that wasn’t tied at its essence to you being connected to someone else. That instead it would just be you approaching God.” Related to this, leaders need to avoid using marital status to determine who receives callings to serve in a congregation. Choosing married over single individuals perpetuates the idea that a married person is more valuable to the Church and to God.

Members could benefit if the Church updated the 1985 Parent’s Guide to human development to provide a framework for parents to talk to their children about sexuality. Mormon sexuality experts such as Jennifer Finlayson-Fife could be invited to provide guidance on revision in order to ensure the topics are kept within appropriate Church boundaries. This revised guide needs to be distributed widely and training provided to parents if necessary so that healthy, informed discussion about sex and sexuality can become normalized within Church culture.

Finally, Mormon women could benefit from more symbols of female authority. It is important for women to be given more church leadership opportunities so that they see themselves and hear female voices in positions of authority. Women also need to be

173 taught to rely on “personal revelation” (Butterworth, 2016) or in other words, their own sense of what is right.

Conclusion

This study sought to explore the ways in which single LDS women make meaning of their sexuality within a religious context of expected chastity before marriage. Navigating the constraints of being viewed as less legitimate both as women and as single means that relationships with authority, both internal and external, are at the crux of the challenge to integrate sexuality in healthy ways. It was surprising to see that the vast majority of women chose to discuss their experiences in bishops’ interviews. I had not expected this to play such an important role in how single Mormon women make meaning of their sexuality. Yet this is the only situation in which it is appropriate, or more accurately, expected, that single individuals will discuss their sexuality. This is concerning when it is done in a punitive context with a male authority figure. However, awareness of this issue is growing. Asked what they hoped readers would take away from the research, multiple participants emphasized the importance of women figuring out for themselves what is right and true for them, rather than depending on a system or authority to determine it for them.

Counsellors can support women navigating the challenges of integrating sexuality in a number of ways. They can help women become more aware of their beliefs and values around sexuality and, just as importantly, the societal and cultural scripts that have formed them. Counsellors can also help women to get a sense of their relationships with external authority as well as with themselves as authority. Finally, counsellors can help women explore what values and beliefs they wish to carry forward and if necessary, help them adjust their relationships to authority. I hope that with this support, single Mormon women will feel less like “ghosts at church” and more like whole, valid beings.

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190 Appendix A.

Literature Review Themes

THEME ASSOCIATED STUDY 1) Influences of church culture, including

- lack of discussion Aune (2002); Ellefson Terhune (2012); Ellis-Gowdy (2006); Hardy (2013); Hoga et al. (2010; Jacobsen (2014); Mahoney (2008); Rutledge (1993); Sutton (2009); Turner and Stayton (2014) - lack of role models Aune (2002); Finlayson-Fife (2002); Mahoney (2008); Sutton (2009) - the single aspect and stigma Aune (2008) & (2002); Baker (2010); Hardy (2013); Mackelprang (1994); Peterfeso (2008); Raynes and Parsons (1994); Rosenau & Tan (2002); Rutledge (1993); Shaw (1987); Sutton (2012) 2) Patriarchy / issues of power, including

- authority Daniluk (1998); Finlayson-Fife (2002); Hardy (2013); Jacobsen (2014); Mahoney (2008) & (2004); McCormick (1994); Sutton (2009) - agency Baker (2010); Daniluk & Browne (2008); Finlayson-Fife (2016) & (2002); Hardy (2013); Murray, Ciarrocchi & Murray-Swank (2007); Sharma (2008) 3) Emotional and physical challenges, including - anxiety and fear Finlayson-Fife (2002); Foucault (1981); Jacobsen (2014); Mackelprang (1994); Mahoney (2008); Nelson (1978); Rutledge, (1993); Shaw (1987); Sutton (2009) - guilt and shame Baker (2010); Finlayson-Fife (2002); Foucault (1978); Hardy (2013); Hoga et al. (2010); Jacobsen (2014); Johnson (2001); Mahoney (2004); Murray, Ciarrocchi & Murray-Swank (2007); Nelson (1978); Rutledge (1993); Sharma (2011); Shaw (1987) Sutton (2009) 4) Mormon women and same-sex attraction

- impacts on mental health Anderton (2010); Jacobsen (2017); Jacobsen & Wright (2014); Severson (1998) - intense fear and anxiety Anderton (2010); Jacobsen (2017); Jacobsen & Wright (2014); Severson (1998) - extreme guilt and shame Anderton (2010); Jacobsen (2017); Jacobsen & Wright (2014); Severson (1998)

191 Appendix B.

Recruitment Ad

Seeking single, ever-LDS (Mormon)* women for research on sexuality and religion

I am a master’s student in counselling psychology. My master’s thesis is on “How Single LDS (Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality: A Narrative Inquiry.” I am looking for women who identify as Latter-day Saint (LDS)/Mormon (either now or previously), single, over 30 who are willing to talk about their experiences regarding their sexuality. Note: it will not be required to share specific details of sexual experiences. The research questions are focused on how participants feel and what they think about their sexuality in a broad sense.

I would like to talk to women over 30 who are single (i.e., unmarried). In a dating relationship, partnered, separated, divorced or widowed is ok. The little amount of research that exists on this topic has focused on heterosexual Caucasian women from the United States, so I’m particularly interested in talking to women who live outside the United States, identify as women of colour and/or identify as LGTBQI.

My interest in this topic stems from my own experiences as a single LDS woman as well as conversations with others. I am interested in learning more about how the sexual code of conduct has benefited or been difficult for single LDS women over the age of 30. I hope through this research to expand knowledge on this topic of how single Christian women make meaning of and live their sexuality for both the LDS and non-LDS community. It is hoped that therapists will find these firsthand accounts informative when helping women and that this will enable development of more supportive therapeutic strategies, not just for single Mormon women but for women everywhere struggling to integrate their sexuality and live more holistic lives.

Interviews can be scheduled via Skype** at your convenience. The study involves two online interviews of about an hour to hour and a half each for a total of approximately 2 to 3 hours. For your participation, you will receive a transcript of your interview as well as a $10 donation to a charity of your choice. If interested in participating, please email [email protected]. You can also send any questions you might have.

Feel free to share this with anyone who might be interested. I look forward to talking with you!

Warmly,

Aleesa Sutton

* At one point in your life you identified as LDS/Mormon, though that does not need to be currently.

**Every effort is taken to ensure that all of your personal information is kept confidential. Interviews will be conducted in an environment that guarantees participant privacy.

192 However, the researcher acknowledges the online mediums of Skype and email are not a completely secure medium of communication, therefore confidentiality cannot be guaranteed.

***NOTE: Please be aware that any “likes” or comments on this post can be seen by all members of the group. (However, it cannot be shared outside the group.)

Version 5, prepared on December 4, 2017

193 Appendix C.

Facebook Groups

Name Description Posting Reason [selections taken verbatim from Approved? group’s Description] 1. A Thoughtful for LDS members who are working to no “Your post in ATF Faith stay engaged in constructive ways with asking for research Mormonism. help is in violation of the rules." This support group is not a platform to advertise or promote causes or events, post advertising for businesses, sales, or fundraisers, solicitations, etc. Any such posts will be removed. 2. ExMormon [Secret group; not publicly visible] (posted by Singles group someone else) 3. Exponent II a group for Mormon feminists, Mormon yes feminist allies, and people considering becoming a Mormon feminist or ally. We host civil dialogue about Exponent II magazine, the Exponent blog and Mormon feminism in general. 4. Ex Relief [Secret group; not publicly visible; yes Society Sisters description not available] 5. Feminist The FB fMh page exists as an auxiliary yes Mormon to the blog feministMormon Housewives housewives.org, to provide a safe Society place for people to learn about and explore the issues of faith and feminism, to foster fellowship, and to discuss actions that will contribute to making the LDS Church a place where women feel respected, involved, and equal. 6. LDS 40- This…Group's purpose now is to help yes something connect with other LDS 40-something Singles of the Singles and used as a forum to flirt, World chat, share ideas, share activities, support, lift, and strengthen each other.

194 Name Description Posting Reason [selections taken verbatim from Approved? group’s Description] 7. LDS Europe Wondering about been single, I ended yes Friendly Social to think: why not trying to know more Singles single lds throught Facebook ? So I did, starting to look and find groups of singles lds. But then I realized that of course there were lot of nice people, but most of them were from U.S. and really few from Europe. I kept going pondering, "there's full of ysa groups in Europe, why not trying to have a group on facebook social, where to chat, posts and message each others ? 8. LDS Midsingles **This LDS Midsingles (30-something) yes (30-something) of the World Facebook Group's (first of the World and largest Midsingles Facebook Group) purpose now is to help 30- something Midsingles connect with other 30-something Midsingles and used as a forum to flirt, chat, share ideas, and help lift and strengthen each other.** 9. LDS Women This group sticks closely to church yes and Healthy doctrine, if You think masturbation ( we Sexuality are not talking about touching spouses or using toys during sex or self stimulating during sex) or porn is OK then you might not like some posts or group rules, so you may be more comfortable joining another group. 10. LDS Single Relax, kick off your shoes, & have fun! no Approval required by Adults 25+ This is NOT an official dating site. every admin; female It's a singles board, so anyone who is admin approved but not married is welcome to males did not participate. Any Gospel Doctrine that is taken out of context will be reviewed & possibly deleted. Any False Doctrine will be deleted. Check your facts folks. 11. LDS SINGLES FIND FRIENDS AND A yes SWEETHEART HERE.WHO KNOWS HE OR SHE IS HERE.

195 Name Description Posting Reason [selections taken verbatim from Approved? group’s Description] 12. LDS Singles This group is for all the single members yes Canada (YSA and SA) of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints from Canada and others who are residing in Canada for various reasons. All active, less active and completely inactive LDS members around the world are welcome to join. Non-LDS (Non- Mormons) are also welcome, providing that they are to refrain from posting any anti-Mormon discussions or so called "Mormon bashing". Respecting every member of the group is highly recommended. 13. MoFems Higher This is a place to vent about yes Education frustrations related to being in school, Support to brag about a job well done.. and Community well.. for people trying to remember how to write research papers to ask a few dumb questions.

It is also for those who are trying to get into school to find support, and for those who have been through it all and understand. 14. Mormon Lounge no Mormon Bashing: Putting down the Not Church, Apostle, General Authority, attempted Member or doctrine due to response to general question 15. Mormon VIP we are here primarily to support people yes Lounge QUESTIONING MORMONISM or who are NO LONGER MORMON 16. Mormon A place for women to connect, yes Women communicate, collaborate, and Scholars’ encourage participation in Mormon Network Studies, religious scholarship, and related disciplines.

196 Name Description Posting Reason [selections taken verbatim from Approved? group’s Description] 17. "Not Just Welcome to our (31+) LDS dating yes Another Sweet group where we openly want people to Spirit" 31+ LDS discuss dating, flirt, and ultimately, Single Adult hopefully find their eternal companion. Dating Invite all of your Mormon friends to come join in the fun! Let's try to keep all conversations in the PG-13 range. If you need to post something or ask a question you feel might be controversial, please preface it in the post and then post the actual question in the comments below, as to not offend those that might not want to see or read it. 18. Post Mormon [Secret group; not publicly visible] (posted by Relief Society someone else) 19. Seattle Area This is a secret group, so no need to yes Exmo Relief worry about others seeing that you are Society in here, if that is a concern. Please feel free to chat about anything and everything! Get to know each other, develop real and meaningful friendships! Also, go ahead and set up get togethers. 20. SINGLE LDS With over 1000 success stories and yes MORMONS counting.This is the right place to find single LDS friends or LDS dating and start lasting relationships. As the largest and longest running LDS singles site "this is the place." 21. The Mormon Discussions in the group should reflect yes Hub a desire by participants to maintain some connection (religious, familial, cultural, intellectual?) to the Mormon community, broadly defined. It operates as a separate entity under the Sunstone Foundation.

197 Appendix D. Screening Questions

Hello!

Thank you for contacting me regarding the study “How Single LDS (Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality: A Narrative Inquiry.” I am currently screening participants. So that you know, I would like to select a diverse sample, so it may not be possible to invite you to participate, even if you are eligible.

This study is conducted by me, Aleesa Sutton, under the supervision of Dr. Sharalyn Jordan, who is an assistant professor at Simon Fraser University.

I am investigating how single LDS women over the age of 30 narrate their experience of sexuality within the LDS church. Some of the questions you will be asked to answer and the topics of discussion will be personal and sensitive in nature. Participation in the study will include two Skype interviews lasting approximately 1 to 1.5 hours each.

I will provide you with a list of potential interview questions via email. In the first interview, I will ask you which of the questions feel most relevant and important for you to discuss. If there are other questions you would like to add, we will do so. Then we will proceed with the interview. It should take approximately 1 to 1.5 hours. It will be audio recorded in order for the researcher to transcribe it.

Following this interview, within 1-3 months I will send you a transcript of the conversation. You will be invited to have a second Skype interview with myself, the researcher, to discuss your thoughts. It should take approximately 1 to 1.5 hours. This interview will also be audio recorded.

In total, the two Skype sessions should take approximately 2 to 3 hours.

For participating in this study, a $10 donation will be made to a charity of your choice.

Here are the questions I need to ask to determine whether you are eligible to participate. Just so you know, your responses are confidential, and you don’t have to answer any questions if you choose not to. Please type your answers next to the questions you feel comfortable answering.

1. How did you hear about the study?

2. Are you or have you ever been Mormon/a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

3. What is your relationship status? (e.g. single, dating, partnered, separated, divorced, widowed, etc)

198 4. What is your birth year and month?

5. What is your gender? What pronouns do you prefer?

6. What sexual orientation do you identify with?

7. What ethnic background do you identify with?

8. What city and country do you live in?

9. Is English one of the main languages you use to communicate?

Version 3, prepared on December 4, 2017

199 Appendix E.

Informed Consent

How Single LDS (Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality:

A Narrative Inquiry

Page 1 of 4 Informed Consent

How Single LDS (Mormon) Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality:

A Narrative Inquiry

Simon Fraser University

This document will outline your involvement in this study. Please feel free to ask any questions that may come up for you while reviewing this document. Your participation is voluntary and you can choose to end your participation at any point during the study.

Study Team

Principal Investigator: Aleesa Sutton, Faculty of Education, […]

Faculty Supervisor: Dr. Sharalyn Jordan, PhD, Faculty of Education, […]

SFU Collaborator: Dr. Özlem Sensoy, PhD, Faculty of Education and Department of Gender, Sexuality and Women's Studies, […]

This study will contribute to the completion of a graduate thesis. Accordingly, the research will be made publicly available upon completion. Findings may be disseminated through academic channels (e.g. scholarly journals and conferences) and media outlets (e.g. news print and online media). Efforts will be made to disseminate practical counselling implications derived from the study’s results to organizations such as the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. The results will also be shared with Latter-day Saint

200 (LDS) and other religious communities in lay language through local pastoral counselling workshops, letters to leadership and blog posts. Quotes from interviews may be used, but participants’ names will not be attached. No identifying information specific to participants will be included in the dissemination.

Who is funding this study?

The study is being partially funded by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.

Purpose of the Study

This study aims to explore how single Mormon women make meaning of their sexuality within a religious context of expected celibacy before marriage. You are being invited to take part in this research study to help the researcher explore this topic.

Your Participation is Voluntary

You have the right to refuse to participate in this study. If you decide to participate, you may still choose to withdraw from the study at any time without any negative consequences.

What to Expect During the Study

Should you decide to participate in this study, you will be asked to have two conversations over Skype with the Principal Investigator. 1) The first will be an in-depth, audio-recorded conversation about your experience of your sexuality within the LDS church (approximately 1 to 1.5 ). Note: it will not be required to share specific details of sexual experiences. The research questions are focused on how participants feel and what they think about their sexuality in a broad sense. 2) One to three months after this conversation, you will be provided with a transcript of the conversation and the researcher’s analysis. This audio-recorded Skype call will be to provide feedback on the transcript and analysis (approximately 1 to 1.5 hours).

In total, your participation should take approximately 2 to 3 hours.

201 Potential Risks of Participation

This study asks you to talk about your experiences of your sexuality. This may involve some personal and sensitive topics that may cause feelings of discomfort. You do not have to answer any question if you do not want to. Remember that you can end your participation at any time during the study. The researcher acknowledges the online mediums of Skype and email are not a completely secure medium of communication, therefore confidentiality cannot be guaranteed. Accordingly, there is a potential risk that your participation in the study and/or information shared may be inadvertently disclosed. In order to minimize this risk, your name will not be associated with the data I collect today. Pseudonyms will be used to help conceal your identity. All audio recorded during today’s Skype session will be written directly onto a password-protected USB drive that will be securely stored in a locked cabinet in the Principal Investigator’s residence. All documents created during the data analysis process will be stored on a password- protected USB drive. Your data will be kept separate from all documents containing your personal information. Finally, no one besides the Principal Investigator will have access to your audio recordings or the methods used to protect your identity.

Potential Benefits of Participation

You will not experience any direct benefits from your participation in this study. However, your involvement may help inform future research and clinical practices, which may benefit women in the broader religious community and women in general.

Donation

For participating in this study, a $10 donation will be made to a charity of your choice. Please let me know which charity you would like to receive your donation.

Measures to Maintain Confidentiality

Ensuring that your privacy is protected is of the utmost concern. All of your personal information is kept confidential amongst the members of the research team. Identifiable information will only be released with your permission, or if required by law. Every effort is taken to ensure that all of your personal information is kept confidential.

The researcher will conduct the interviews from the privacy of her residence, where the

202 interviews will not be overheard, and encourages the participant to situate herself in a similar private space in order to protect her privacy. ,The researcher acknowledges the online mediums of Skype and email are not a completely secure medium of communication, therefore confidentiality cannot be guaranteed.

No one besides the Principal Investigator will have access to your audio recordings or the methods used to protect your identity.

Your name will not be associated with the data we collect today. Pseudonyms will be used to help conceal your identity. If you have any other identifiable personal information (e.g. occupation, ethnicity) that you would like to be excluded from published findings, please let me know.

All audio recorded during today’s Skype session will be written directly onto a password- protected USB drive that will be securely stored in a locked cabinet in the Principal Investigator’s residence. All documents created during the data analysis process will be stored on a password-protected USB drive. Your data will be kept separate from all documents containing your personal information. Audio recordings will be stored until analyses are completed, at which time they will be destroyed. Following analysis, the transcripts and other data will be stored on a password-protected USB for seven years to allow for future analyses, in accordance with Canadian Psychological Association (CPA) guidelines. The PI’s research supervisor, Dr. Sharalyn Jordan, will be entrusted with secure storage of the data in her office (Room 5215 on the SFU Surrey campus) upon the PI’s graduation from SFU. In keeping with current best practices in research, electronic data will also be preserved for future use in open access initiatives. Data will be stripped of any information that could identify participants (i.e., names, email addresses, etc.). Once the study is completed, de-identified data will be uploaded to SFU RADAR under Dr. Sharalyn Jordan’s protection.

Withdrawal

Your participation in this study is completely voluntary. You may withdraw from this study at any time and for any reason. You also have the right to refuse to answer any questions that you may be asked during your participation in the study. You may also request the destruction of any of the audio that is recorded.

203 Study Results

The results of this study will be reported in a graduate thesis and may also be published in academic journals, through media outlets, and/or at academic conferences.

Who can you contact if you have questions about the study?

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to contact the study’s Principal Investigator, Aleesa Sutton, at […]

Who can you contact if you have complaints or concerns about the study?

If you have any concerns about your rights as a research participant and/or your experiences while participating in this study, you may contact Dr. Jeffrey Toward, Director, Office of Research Ethics […] or […].

Future Contact

I would like to contact you in the following months for feedback on my initial analyses, and to ensure that you consent to what is reported in the research findings. Please place a tick on the line that applies to you.

______I consent to being contacted via email.

______I do not consent to any further contact.

Taking part in this study is entirely up to you. You have the right to refuse to participate in this study. If you decide to take part, you may choose to pull out of the study at any time without giving a reason and without any negative impact.

• Your verbal consent indicates that you have received a copy of this consent form for your own records. • Your verbal consent indicates that you consent to participate in this study. • You do not waive any of your legal rights by participating in this study.

______

Verbal consent to be provided at interview Date (yyyy/mm/dd)

Study Number: 2017s0480

Version 3, prepared on October 30, 2017

204 Appendix F.

List of Therapists

Single LDS Women and Sexuality Study Therapist Referrals

As participant locations are as yet unknown, it is impossible to source local therapists. Once I learn where each participant is located, I will find at least two local resources in their area to add to this list. Whenever possible, those local resources will specialize in sexuality counselling. I am also providing a list of LDS-specific therapists that provide sexuality counselling via Skype, i.e., they are accessible wherever one may be located.

Below is a list of therapists, should you wish to explore any concerns in greater depth.

Online therapists: www.betterhelp.com Therapists are available 24/7 with the option to also have a live phone session. Privacy standards are used on the same level as financial institutions using military grade 256-bit encryption. BetterHelp offers a 7 day trial period, after which billing occurs weekly with no limit on the amount of sessions. They offer their services to clients worldwide and currently provide counseling to users in over 200 countries. All of their counselors are licensed and based in the U.S.A. currently.

*The following is a list of Mormon therapists who specialize in women, their emotional health and sexuality. They offer mental health support sessions via Skype.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife LDS relationship and sexuality counselor Located in Chicago, IL, US. http://www.finlayson-fife.com/ […] Skype counselling is available. Dr. Finlayson-Fife also offers online courses on LDS women and sexuality.

Natasha Helfer Parker Certified sex therapist and Founder/President of the Mormon Mental Health Association http://www.natashaparker.org/ Located in Wichita, KS, US. Skype coaching is available. Specializes in, but not limited to, working with those who come from LDS/Mormon or other religious backgrounds. Areas of expertise include working within the intersections of faith, life transitions and sexuality.

Dr. Julie Hanks http://www.drjuliehanks.com/ Located in Salt Lake City, UT, US.

205 Skype coaching is available. She is LDS, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist specializing in women’s emotional health and relationships.

Version 2, prepared on October 25, 2017

206 Appendix G.

Possible Discussion Questions

How Single Latter-day Saint (LDS) / Mormon Women Make Meaning of Their Sexuality: A Narrative Inquiry

Possible Conversation Topics

Note: it will not be required to share specific details of sexual experiences. The research questions are focused on how you feel and what you think about your sexuality in a broad sense.

Please select the questions that feel most relevant and important for you. When we begin our interview we can talk about the questions you’d like to discuss.

1. What is your relationship like with the Mormon church currently? 2. How has the Mormon church influenced your understanding of your sexuality? a. Were there times that the church’s teachings on sexuality have had a positive influence? b. Were there times that the church’s teachings on sexuality have had a negative influence? 3. What kind of relationship do you have with your sexuality? a. What experiences in your life have contributed to developing that relationship? 4. How has your relationship with your sexuality and/or your sexual experiences (of desire or behavior) shaped or impacted your relationship with God? 5. What does the “law of chastity” mean to you? 6. How has the law of chastity influenced your dating relationships? 7. While dating have there been times that you went further sexually than you believed you should? a. How do you understand why you crossed limits you felt comfortable with? b. What impact did it have on you? How did you feel about yourself? c. What impact, if any, did it have on your relationship with God? 8. Does the Mormon belief in a Heavenly Mother and the concept of the “divine feminine” have any impact on your understanding of your sexuality?

Version 3, prepared on October 30, 2017

207 Appendix H.

Member Checking Questionnaire

As you read please think about the following: Does this narrative fit with your experience? Is anything missing? Did I get anything wrong? (timeline/locations/people involved) Is there anything you would like to add? How does it feel to read your narrative? What would you like readers to take away from this narrative?

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