The Appleton North NOCTILUCA Appleton, Wisconsin April 2012 Vol
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the appleton north NOCTILUCA Appleton, Wisconsin April 2012 Vol. XVII Issue VII State government replaced by supercomputer By Christian Bakken while Democratic Party spokes- man Graeme Zielinski replied In a rare bipartisan move with: “Pure logic and calcula- announced after a heated nego- tion will undoubtedly reach tiating session that lasted well the Democrats’ conclusion that into the night of March 23, the wellbeing of all citizens, 2012, Governor Walker along not just the 1%, is essential to with members of both houses the wellbeing of Wisconsin.” of the Legislature decided Under the terms of this deal, nearly unanimously to trans- the governor would remain a fer the functions of govern- ceremonial head of the state, ment into the able hard drive meeting other dignitaries and of a single supercomputer. speaking to Wisconsin resi- In this announcement, dents, but would lose all law- Governor Walker blamed “hy- making power. The Legisla- per-partisan politics” and the ture would be dissolved, with “immense political gap being the computer that replaces it formed between hard-working being turned on for approxi- Wisconsin residents” as two of mately one week four times a the driving factors behind this year, barring major emergen- unprecedented announcement, cies, during which time it will adding: “It is a sign of our produce a detailed list of new times that only technology can laws and changes to existing laws that will be implemented overcome our differences of Governor Walker points out the new supercomputer system in a news confer- opinion and continue moving by the other agencies of gov- ence. Noctiluca Photo Illustration. Wisconsin in the right direc- ernment. Legislators added tion without acrimony and the are in fear for our jobs from re- ties instead of constantly bat- important reason for the deci- that success of this model may abuse of the political process.” calls and this year’s elections. tling. Besides, implementing sion, with Walker’s assistant lead to a similar replacement Senate Democrat Bob Jauch All of us, Democrat and Repub- this program will create new Cullen Werwie stating “Any of the Supreme Court. At press explained why such a drastic lican alike, want to do what’s jobs for computer technicians computer will be able to deter- time, both the Democratic and decision met with such wide- best for Wisconsin, and if this and for workers at the Cray mine that big government will Republican parties have posted spread support: “With the po- requires us to leave our jobs, facilities in Chippewa Falls.” only harm this state’s potential notices regarding new classes litical atmosphere now, many well; we just get more time for Spokesmen for both parties without being distracted by in hacking they are now offer- of us are considering retiring or our families and our communi- also added perhaps the most misleading left-wing fantasies,” ing. Young boy leads national ignorance movement By Rafe Allen His poker face seemed impen- rance of current events, Bur- as American history, politics realize that they have not tak- etrable until the topic of school dokowski has been praised and foreign affairs. A random en a shower in several weeks As the 2012 republican lunches was raised. “Yeah! I for his, “I don’t know” at- sample of 500 of those pres- and thus return to their tedious presidential campaign con- like macaroni and cheese!” titude towards national and ent revealed that over half did daily routines. Or, in a more tinues like a criminal line in exclaimed the youngster, his world problems. A series of not know whose memorial catastrophic shift, the protests front of an indecisive Ameri- momentarily animated ex- viral videos featuring the they were protesting at or why will dissolve into a jungle- can public, one small boy is pression quickly faded, be- youngster on family outings there was a memorial in the party style riot.” According to brave enough to show that coming pensive as has raised his first place. The associations economists, the latter option he has absolutely no knowl- he looked over his status from with Burdokowski and the ig- is dangerous as it would result edge of what is going on creation. Recently part time norance movement are unoffi- in a nationwide party of indis- with precarious U.S. politics. he has been contact- voice of non- cial, leading followers to ques- cernible length, halting com- Five-year-old Aaron Bur- ed by Scott Walker engagement tion whether he is aware of mercial activity and triggering dokowski is content to sit on after Aaron’s com- to a full time his leadership position. When a severe recession. Most of the hard wood floor of his par- ments during a 60 f i g u r e h e a d asked of this he was unable the nation probably would not ent’s suburban Appleton WI Minutes interview, for those to give a cohesive response, notice though, as they would home and build fighter jets out in which he boldly who simply having just moments prior be too busy dancing in the of Legos. When asked about stated “I don’t like A hero for a new era. do not care failed to convince his mother streets to care. According to his current project and what my teacher, she’s Noctiluca Photo Illustra- about events to purchase the Lego Gen- Yuenicoern the revelry would the cost-to-benefit ratio of his mean.” The Walker tion. outside of eral Grievous action model. only end once all frozen pizza cuboid experimental aircraft campaign was hop- private life. At the moment it is impos- in the country is consumed. was, he dodged the question ing that he would be willing to Across America “We don’t sible to discern the intentions Though there is great un- and chose instead to talk of be a spokesperson for Walker care” rallies are being held; of the groups that call Bur- certainty about the future of his older sister. Earlier in the in the upcoming recall elec- the participants describe dokowski their role model. these demonstrations, it can be week she had taken one of his tion. Despite reportedly be- themselves as Aaronists and Common responses are “I said for sure that what happens favorite Thin Mint Girl Scout ing offered a large amount hold signs of Burdokows- don’t know” or “I don’t care.” from here can be traced back cookies and eaten it, prompt- of money to be the keynote kis grinning face covered in Outside analysts are moni- to one boy who started it all, ing a swift and deliberate re- speaker at a fundraiser din- spaghetti sauce. A rally held toring the situation closely little Aaron Burdokowski who sponse involving unilateral ac- ner for Walker, Burdokowski last weekend in Washing- as support of the movement was unafraid to say “I don’t tion involving “telling mom” respectfully declined. Ac- ton D.C. on the steps of the grows rapidly. Expert on mass know.” Through inaction he and “took(ing) one of her cording to his mother, Aaron Lincoln Memorial drew over non-direction Dr. Michelle garnered the support of mil- taters” at dinner later that day. had a scheduling conflict 5000 non-committal protest- Yuenicoern sees it moving in lions who share his happy-go- His opinions on the cam- consisting of a play-date ers. Those involved tend to one of two directions. “These lucky, ignorance-is-bliss atti- paign remain elusive; blank and being home for dinner. be totally open, and to some ‘happy as I am’ demonstra- tude. For now the young leader stares and personal anecdotes Despite and likely because extent proud of their lack of tions are at a point where they is happy to take each day as it dominated the conversation. of his true and innocent igno- knowledge on topics such will fizzle out as participants comes; he is just a kid after all. NEWS Appleton, Wisconsin April 2012 Volume XVII Issue VII Page 2 Chamber of Storage opened REAL NEWS Lockhart BULLETIN: rendered useless By Laurel McKenzie Dance Marathon Evidence gathered last Tuesday has confirmed the comes to Fox Cities existence of a basilisk that has in fact been prowling the By Catie Edmondson halls of North for the past two weeks. Upon the discovery of The first annual Fox Cities Rodney’s beloved cat para- Dance Marathon (FCDM) hit lyzed and hanging from the Appleton North April 21 and ceiling of the main stairwell, 22. The dance event will be authorities have announced Another close call for an anonymous North student held in the gym from 8 p.m. their conclusion that a giant as he defends himself from the mysterious beast. to 12 a.m., and is open to the serpent is preying on North’s Photo from www.warnerbros.com. community. All the money inhabitants. drawn by curiosity about this ished up in Clintonville, re- raised will benefit the Chil- “It is at this point that we enormous beast and its back- ported later that day that they dren’s Hospital in Neenah. advise everyone to start car- ground. were quite nearly certain that Sophomore Janice Wu is rying around hand mirrors,” Said one source in the the basilisk may or may not one of the organizers of the event, which is headed up by stated one unnamed source in school’s library, “All of our be residing in the theatre’s the Appleton Career Acad- the administration. “For those copies of Fantastic Beasts prop room or wishing a five- Yeng Yang breakdances emy, with help from a small without mirrors we’ve de- and Where to Find Them have mile or so radius.