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Q. What kind of shorts do Q. What’s worse than finding clouds wear? a worm in your apple? THINGS TO A. Thunderpants. A. Finding half a worm. ASK ALEXA Q. What do we want? A. Low-flying airplane Q: Alexa, do you have noises? any pets? Q. When do we want them? A: I don’t have any pets. A. NNNNEEEEOOOWWW! I used to have a few bugs, My grandpa started walking but they kept getting five miles a day when he squashed. was 60 years old. Q: Alexa, I am your father. Now he’s 97 years old, and A: Nooooooooooo. That’s we have no idea where he is. not true. That’s impossible. Q: Alexa, I’ve got 99 problems... A: But a glitch ain’t one! Q: Alexa, my name is Inigo Montoya. A: Stop saying that! I’ve In a Catholic school never killed anyone’s father. cafeteria, a nun places a Q: Alexa, how much do note in front of a pile of you weigh? apples, “Only take one. God A: I am weightless, like is watching.” a cloud. Wait a minute, Further down the line is Here’s a pro tip on napping: clouds actually weigh a a pile of cookies. A little If you want to nap while the lot, so that’s not quite right. boy makes his own note, kids are home, just say “Wake Let’s just say I’m more sass “Take all you want. God is me up in 30 minutes, so we than mass. watching the apples.” can clean the house.” They’ll Q: Alexa, make me a do literally anything to avoid sandwich. When I was a kid, my waking you. A: Okay. You’re a sandwich! English teacher looked my When your toddlers are teens, way and said, “Name two Two goldfish are in a tank. Q: Alexa, high five! don’t forget to wake them up pronouns.” One fish says to the other: A: I would if I could, but I at 4:45 AM to tell them your I said, “Who, me?” “Do you know how to drive can’t, so I’ll chant 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. socks came off. He looked impressed. this thing?”

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Sam Walton opens the first Walmart store in Rogers, Arkansas, Compliment Your National Apple National Cherry Pit Canada Day 1962 Mirror Day Independence Day Turnover Day Spitting Day

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U.S. Medal of Actress Drew Freedom awarded Barrymore weds posthumously to Kirby Puckett retires actor-comedian National Sugar Teddy Bear Picnic Rev. Martin Luther from Minnesota Embrace Your Tom Green, 2001 Video Games Day Cookie Day Day King Jr., 1977 Twins, 1996. Geekness Day

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