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Home , Hideo Kojima

Lazytango #1 L x SOLID V THE PHANTOM PAIN

"An Amadeus fart33 years in the making" - Lazytango

he Metal Gear of the long running series. , the franchise has company that makes the game, very always been unique publicly fired Kojima in 2015 for among other tentpole unknown reasons. The firing was so franchises. I scorched-earth in its execution that played the original, the noted pachinko machine Metal Gear on the NES and makers actually tried their best to haven’t missed one of these remove Kojima’s name from as increasingly overwritten and many places as they could while increasingly bat-shit insane advertising Metal Gear Solid 5. In games since then. For a series what seems to be an almost that has featured, giant robots, purposeful attempt at creating vampires, zombies, cyborg bad press for themselves, ninjas and an obese man on Konami also added probably roller skates it’s clear that the most ridiculous paid writer/director, and noted pen- content to the game this side of on-paper masturbator, Hideo Train Simulator’s barrage of $2,000 Kojima wanted to make a James DLC — base insurance — Actual Bond game. Buried deep homeowner’s insurance for the somewhere in Metal Gear, which player’s virtual home. somehow spans about 20 games, there’s the basic story of a spy MGS5: The Phantom Pain is a very infiltrating A to recover B… Now that strange Metal Gear game even by lofty story is buried under so many Japan- standards set by the previous games. In isms that choosing to watch Inuyasha this mildly intoxicated ’s humble instead of playing these games would opinion, The Phantom Pain has the best mark you as a more stable adult. All in gameplay of any Metal Gear before it, all Metal Gear is mixed with but has the most disappointing story of a Japanese panty vending machine, any Metal Gear before it. We’ve all peppered with Rambo, a poorly become accustomed to how convoluted researched book of mythology and the the story is at this point, but here it wet dreams of a conspiracy theorist. doesn’t make things harder to understand, it just adds bad ideas to a Metal Gear Solid 5: The Phantom Pain is story that was great and didn’t need more than likely the final proper game bizarre concepts to muddy the water. 3 Lazytango want. There’s something for everyone Spoilers whether you like to burst into a military base with rocket launchers and a take- Skull Face, the main antagonist of the no-prisoners attitude or if you like to game, and the revelation of who he was sneak into a military base with a and why he did what he did was great, it tranquilizer gun and a take-all-as- added an element to the whole of the prisoners attitude. Using a very Metal Gear lore that really did a incorrect idea of how the Fulton fantastic job of raising the right surface-to-air recovery system works, questions and letting your imagination you airlift enemy combatants from the do some work as to how he and his field and they always appreciate the team would fit into everything. XOF ass-kicking and being shot into the air being a cleanup crew for FOX was on a balloon so much that they willingly something unexpected but it made join your ranks. Once a part of your sense. crew, Diamond Dogs, the former enemies are assigned to jobs that best The problem comes around the time suit their abilities and help you develop that we learn that Skull Face is breeding new weapons, get resources, provide parasites in people’s throats and intel on hot zones, etc. It’s a good thing teaching the parasites languages by that, for the most part, the base shoving earphones into said throats. I management is pretty automatic, tried my best to chalk that weird shit up because it could have easily been a to basic Kojima lunacy, but somehow deal-breaker for the game if base immortal vampires and a villain that management were a more intrusive knows I played make more factor… Which it kind of is at one point. sense than this. is known for a lot of The big reveal at the end… Much like things: Making great games, wearing Metal Gear Solid 2, it felt like someone leather jackets, being a competent and gave you a Rolex and after letting you sushi-eating version of , wear it for 50 hours he tells you “oh, by but one of those things is not subtlety. the way, that Rolex is fake… It’s actually I’m fairly sure that Kojima doesn’t know a Casio, but we made it look like a what subtlety is and if anyone tried to Rolex, so you know… Fuck you… I mean explain it to him in concept he’d have a enjoy.” stroke. There are so many ham-fisted references Gameplay-wise Metal Gear Solid 5: The and ideas in The Phantom Pain is Phantom Pain that really fun and that’s one of the biggest the best compliment I can give it. ones actually has a The game gives you free-range pigs face on it. to tackle missions however you want using whatever weapons/tools you 4 Lazytango At one point you meet a child soldier she’s . Quiet, or as she’s known (Yeah… There are child soldiers in the briefly in a later part of the game Ms. game and it’s pretty uncomfortable MacGuffin (that’s a joke, but I need to every time the story deals with them,) clarify because I’m pretty sure it must that goes by the name White Mamba have crossed (guess why?) He’s the leader of a child Kojima’s mind to soldier army and he sits on a throne on do that,) dresses a beached boat. When you first meet in a skimpy bikini, him, he’s sitting with a pig’s head on a doesn’t talk and table in front of him (you already see does yoga on the where this is going.) White Mamba has helicopter a conch shell in his pocket and wear’s a between jacket that says “Never Be Game Over” missions. In with a drawing of a pig with an eye- case you’re patch just like Snake. thinking that she wears a bikini Side-note just to satisfy a Snake can acquire a pet dog called D- repressed Japanese sexuality, there Dog. Much like Snake is a mercenary actually is reason that she wears a bikini pretending to be a freedom fighter, D- into battle that fits into the story, so I Dog is a wolf pretending to be a dog. won’t reveal it, but needless to say it’s Don’t get it? They also both have eye bullshit because other characters with patches. Subtlety! the same reason as her are fully clothed. Let’s just say that Quiet is After a while of being with Diamond deathly allergic to clothes much like Dogs, White Mamba (Who has a real Kojima is deathly allergic to nuance. name, but I’m trying to avoid too many spoilers,) instigates a fight between the Alternate costumes for Quiet can be other child soldiers and one of the kids researched and include a bikini covered dies when he’s crushed by a pipe. Now, in fake blood and gold body paint in without further information and what I assume is an homage to Shirley knowing that Kojima thinks Subtlety is Eaton. just the name of a character he’s going to put in a future game, what was the There's a scene in which Quiet takes a name of the kid that died? Keep in mind shower in a cage while soldiers watch that none of the kids are fat. If you on and I can almost picture Kojima guessed anything other than Ralph making the case for the scene to you’re clearly not much of a reader so I Konami: “She’s a strong female commend you for having made it this character! That half-naked shower far in the article. It was a very on-the- scene is integral to the story and nose Lord of the Flies reference. empowering for women!” I also have to imagine that Kojima was mid- Relatively early on in the game you run masturbation while making the case. into a sniper called Quiet… Because 5 Lazytango The Good

Amazing gameplay and freedom

Airlifting things (cars, people, goats, shipping containers) is surprisingly cathartic The Bad

Some of the worst Kojima-isms this side of Staring at Meryl’s breasts

Worst downloadable content idea this side of horse armor

Not the best way to end the 33-year story of Metal Gear The Verdict

77/100

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