of color: poets’ ways of making

an anthology of essays on transformative poetics

Amanda Galvan Huynh & Luisa A. Igloria, Editors the operating system print//document

OF COLOR : POETS’ WAYS OF MAKING AN ANTHOLOGY OF ESSAYS ON TRANSFORMATIVE POETICS

ISBN: 978-1-946031-49-5 Library of Congress CIP Number: 2019933115 copyright © 2019, Amanda Galvan Huynh and Luisa A. Igloria, Eds. edited and designed by ELÆ [Lynne DeSilva-Johnson] interior layout by Zoe Guttenplan and ELÆ

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Ernesto L. Abeytia, Melissa Coss Aquino, José Angel Araguz, Remica L. Bingham-Risher, Ching-In Chen, Wendy A. Gaudin, Abigail Licad, Kenji C. Liu, Sasha Pimentel, Khadijah Queen, Tony Robles, Craig Santos Perez, Tim Seibles, Addie Tsai, Mai Der Vang, and Ocean Vuong

contents

Editors’ Introductions . 11

Foreword . 23 Mai Der Vang

How Do You Begin? . 26 Ching-In Chen

I’ll Take What I Can Get: Some Thoughts on Erasure Re: MFA vs. POC . 29 Addie Tsai

Holidays: The Custodial Artist as Writer . 34 Tony Robles

On My Grandmother’s Face . 39 Wendy A. Gaudin

Reflections on Poetry/Reflexiones sobre la poesía . 48 Ernesto L. Abeytia

Destroyed Out of Her the Great Voice: On Writing as a Disabled Filipina American Poet . 53 Abigail Licad

Desperate & Beautiful Noise . 61 Tim Seibles

My Life is Not a Stereotype Though Sometimes Writing About It Feels That Way . 66 Melissa Coss Aquino On Reading, and Shame . 74 Sasha Pimentel

Becoming the Weather: Reflections on Poetry as Cultural, Political, and Spiritual Act . 87 José Angel Araguz

A Radical Poetics of Love (A Benjaminian Essay on Invisible Man) . 92 Khadijah Queen

Standing in the Shadows of Love: Desire as Obsession . 101 Remica L. Bingham-Risher

Night Walks: On addiction, adolescence, and art making . 109 Ocean Vuong

On Writing from Unincorporated Territory . 127 Craig Santos Perez

The Monstrosity: Notes Towards a Frankenpo . 134 Kenji C. Liu

______

About the book . 140

INTRODUCTION :: Amanda Galvan Huynh | /// 11 /// Amanda Galvan Huynh Huynh Galvan Amanda editor’s introduction editor’s program, my view of the world told me I had assimilated well. More American American More well. assimilated had I me told the view world of my program, Program writing for the white reader by default; I attribute I attribute default; by reader the white for writing Program mfa an 2014, I entered In In high school, I was one of three Latinx students in the higher-level classes. I classes. in the higher-level Latinx students three of one high I was school, In from myself distance learned to “illegal,” and “wetback” dodge thelearned terms to my with in blend and Spanish, my quiet learned to Latinx students, the lower-level invested I had myself. suppressing and heritage my Survival: denying surroundings. these kids of “Some say teachers math white my because overhearing in whiteness I knew who filledshame. me with workers,” construction be to our meant just are on the board: lesson The mine. as color the same they whose talked bore skin about; school. graduate to and college through me with I carried it = white. success Tías, tíos, and my parents were pulled from school, or sent after, to work because work to after, sent or school, pulled from were parents my tíos, and Tías, to low- led education of little survival. repercussions The meant the table food on mis For advancement. for the opportunity jobs without intensive labor and paying alcoholism, abuse, domestic pregnancies, teen tangents: of a myriad meant it primos meet. Observations ends making and missed opportunities, incarcerations, dropouts, express. and a vocabulary explain lacked to but noted always I’ve violence passive of I was cost what At to? manage does one Why the cracks? through slip does one How back? someone’s on standing Writing reflects our lives as we understand it in a given present. Upon entering an entering Upon present. in a it given we understand as our lives reflects Writing mfa of takes the form American, Mexican the label, me to though even Mexican than of the shapes into out Dough rolled comal. abuela’s my tortillas on state-shaped cultural My recognizable. Florida—all California,but Oklahoma, imperfect Texas, I am try together. back stitch I desperately to something yet fragmented, inheritance: of the born a child guilt with elders; her from labor the fruits whoa child inherited of pieces the with left season, moved Texas, of the fields worked abuelos Mis knowing. that a rural settled dirt each harvest, like town with and in Floydada, themselves of a map. on locate can the place to connections with people only \\\ 12 \\\ | INTRODUCTION :: Amanda Galvan Huynh mfatheir increative writing. Iknow for holds this true me. exhaustion. It’s almost a miracle that bipoc within academe, the doubts with understood, being and double consciousness similar intersections within our with cultural stories: identity, struggle dissonance discouraged afew ultimately while donot continue. writer Ifind With bipoc every our depressing reality. Ahandful ifnot majority the students of bipoc become of microaggressionsfilterthe spectrum in an undiversified workshop remains To students that grasp idea the bipoc across nation the invarious mfa programs resistedhis peers his work—which was not default, the was which not white. class of middle-class, straight, white people.” attending program the as aqueer writer Latinx he because into would walking be “a Torres, former student of Iowa the Writers’ Workshop, recounted his hesitation in to challenges the discuss of having asupportive faculty, but resistant Justin peers. in asegment “In titled Elite mfa Programs,Challenge The of Writing While ‘Other’” color, writers growth the suffers. of bipoc npr In programs with alack of diversity, evenifthere are workshops by led professors of alone. frustration into something powerful. Most importantly, itthat confirmed Iwas not gaveinterview me permission angry, to be gave me encouragement to transform my Cisneros’s depression turned into anger that her writing. fueled Her four-minute the 1970s,the her white her professors, peers, and moment the she had her own epiphany: In an interview, Sandra Cisneros her at time describes Iowa the Writers’ Workshop in students creatingstarted space for bipoc necessary and the faculty. diversity question there are many organizations that have stopped waiting and have writershappens Whilefaculty? are universities bipoc when given bipoc debate the relief; however, landscape in the of our writing communities it bears witness. What me two professors of color. I wish sentence this didn’t to need hold its importance of professors of color, Ididnot realize how spot-on my instincts were. Fortune gifted worst Ihadn’t part: it. realized While slightly cognizant that Iwould better off be with by and for majority the of white and peers, continuous the study of white writers. The tothis years sixto seven of lectures from white creative writing professors, critiques sense ofsense shame. this room that doesn’t have this house… it filledwith me sense a of horror and a magazines, but I had never seen my house…and I thought I’m the only person in ever talked about my house. Ihad seen other houses in literature and media and It occurred to me in seminar that we had never—in all my years and education—

1

2 Automatically, he othered became and are able and to survive graduate with ’s ’s All ThingsConsidered covered this INTRODUCTION :: Amanda Galvan Huynh | /// 13 ///

3 I But what about the reader? What What reader? the about what But bipoc my with and colleagues I have conversations From writers. bipoc To compensate for the lack of diversity in my first semester, I sought out and read and out I sought semester, first in my diversity of the lack for compensate To only reaction my I remember in 2015, Literary Festival University’s Dominion Old At abuela. my like sounds that thought: first my and reading Muñoz’s Manuel to Contemporary Classics, a literature class for writers, encouraged us to compile a compile to us encouraged writers, for class a literature Classics, Contemporary I words, other In winners. Prize Pulitzer and Book Award National of list reading their list, creates student a poets. white Typically, by dominated list a compose to had options: two have we bipocFor students, class. next to on the and work, their finishes emotionally. and physically work, extra requires latter The out. stand in or blend voices for searching thing: the same all doing are we institutions, other at students poems, bilingual who were writing poetswho were for search to I had own. our like workers migrant about writing anyone Was identity. race and with in conversation Was Spanish? they using were How images? they creating were how so, If in Texas? other them and I learn from could distracting? What or accenting Spanish the use of answer:plenty. The Latinx writers? and debates numerous poems provoke can multilingual and bilingual Writing and English should be in words What craft. about also often these are discussions; the against bilingualpushes of poems verybe? The existence shouldn’t words what transcendence.” and universality, normality, imagination…of white “the of privilege my defend debate, italics” no the “italics with or wrestle to had I have writing, my In a experience. While a bilingual truth: I live and stance my explain and reasoning, tough be the only the would italics that hope would languages multiple using writer follow: questions the case. More not that’s decision, recognized something familiar and intimate: my reflection. Later in the year I year when in the reflection. Later my intimate: and familiar recognizedsomething in Words manifested. feeling the same Austin in Latinxwriters other alongside read poems and these within stories and space, in the coexisted same Spanish and English home. at I felt the standard texts, bilingual to receptive becoming are journals and publishers While to marks use other or italicize, to is text a within languages non-English of format multilingual and bilingual our even italicize we should why But otherness. its highlight consciousness? double our imagine to readers for too difficult it experiences? Is a translation? include you Shouldn’t lost? poem the Isn’t Spanish? know don’t they if who does a reader not be on lost might the Spanish Of course, footnotes? about What workshop my Naturally, experienced this workshop. in have I speakthe language. take the not may or who may students white predominantly of consists audience experience bilingual my if I translate the consequences are what But translate. time to the part of surrender if we stake at is what Or really lost? is all What English? into being? own our informs that language \\\ 14 \\\ | INTRODUCTION :: Amanda Galvan Huynh intentionally discriminating result the because is same.” the reality the true, of situation the is that “unintentionally discriminating is as as bad I was toldexperience. writer the didn’t mean any harm. While I’m sure that’s Spanish. Without adoubt, was most this the uncomfortable and frustrating narrative voice—fast worker, food living at home with his mother, and learning One night inworkshop, Ihad to critique awhite student’s that aLatino used poem The Latinx is The experience multifaceted. However, manywhowith are carry privileged I am forced of apart to anglo the be culture keeping while one foot inmy own. I can’t my because has proven experience her words Ilive true. to inaworld be where cooperation with it.” Chicana,being about my family, subverted has been by anglo culture and my own inside my skin...Ihave had to confront that fact the much of what Ivalue about “the of object oppression is not only someone outside of my skin,but someone the comes with my own internalized racism and classism, and with realization the that The process writingof involves bringingpage the to all of baggage.our For myself, it Idonotbecause feel “Latinx enough.” of my own internalized notions that Idonot have permission to my own experience my own.that The idea I theheld to validatekey the characterbecause left me uneasy feel comfortable on speaking someone’s Ican when cultural barely behalf write about Peruvian, Rican, or any Costa other heritage Latinx my besides own, and Idonot I questioned my own “authenticity.” Idonot know of experiences aSalvadorian, the When asked to a peer validate authenticity the of characterLatinx their story, in their I’m generous being with that term as we are not as we from detached write. society encounters Iam uncomfortable others innocuous, disclosing but while seem maybe ofpockets air. Ihave my experienced share of just being Alienation and doubt, during my ingraduate time school, were constants with small communicate mixed the feelings to incident. this tied of our white female students brought attention to it didwe evenhave achance to Latina or overly angry the being sensitive student, I kept quiet. It was not until one moment, valid. As aworkshop group, we didnot situation. this discuss For fear of “correct” way Spanish. to and speak experiences suggestions Our were not, inthat weused, were discounted writer the because was process inthe of learning the When I,along student, with another to give bipoc tried advice about Spanish the my colleagues and from writer. the of problem. the The main issue emergedfrom the frompoem responsereceivedthe not boxed be into one gender, one race, and on. so However, was only part poem the as Iunderstand of that middle in the spectrum the awriter, regardless of race, should strong supporter is fair of that game idea the in writing. everything Isit somewhere 5 Iwish Icould Moraga’s disagree with Cherríe observations, but awriter of color. Some of my 4 To clear, be Iam not a INTRODUCTION :: Amanda Galvan Huynh | /// 15 /// writers ? What happens when bipoc happens What ? This new consciousness coexists with the inherited inherited coexists with the new This consciousness 6 mentors? Magic. Conversations around kitchen tables. Ideas born from born from Ideas tables. kitchen around Conversations Magic. bipoc mentors? mfa mfa first-year a green as me shaped have would these words how imagine to I like found I have post-MFA who Even they and will shape. how imagine to I like student; cheered, these treasures; reading in reveled I have in these words. myself of pieces some into a revelation is Each one each essay. with in excitement yelled cried, and and you all with of work to truly has been honor an collective being. It aspect our of light. take in your to What is the benefit of diversity within mfa the within diversity of the benefit is What poets who have thankful the I am following to a full gratitude, heart and With Chen, Addie Ching-In (Foreword), Der Vang Mai us: with their essays entrusted Seibles, Licad, Tim Abigail L. Abeytia, Ernesto A. Gaudin, Wendy Robles, Tony Tsai, Khadijah Queen, Araguz, Remica Angel José Pimentel, Sasha Coss Aquino, Melissa C. Liu. Kenji and Perez, Santos Craig Ocean Vuong, L. Bingham-Risher, guilt of knowing you are the embodiment of your elders’ labor. The reconciliation, reconciliation, The labor. elders’ your of the embodiment are you knowing of guilt poem What myself: I ask write, to down so the when page sit I on happens me, for types what writing, creative relearn I could If need? you do poem What need? you did have would writing in the my beginning? poems I imagine given I was do I wish of me stop does not be. It needs to it exactly where it’s trust that sooner but transformed community. growing our to bipoc contributing emerging and writers helping from have these. as such places meeting leads to It bread. warm than more of the nourishment beginning. are—a we as diverse as essays of compilation A complex Naturally, when I became aware of myself my poems and their topics shifted. James James shifted. their topics poems and my myself of when I became aware Naturally, precisely is beautifully: of education “The this phenomenon paradox Baldwinexplains the society examine begins to in one conscious become begins to one as this—that being educated.” is which [she] them the question: “Am I Latinx enough?” It invades everyday life: they either don’t don’t they everyday life: either invades I Latinx enough?” It “Am them the question: don’t cumbia, dance can’t in the barrio, up grow did not enough, well speak Spanish insecuritymay constant This ruler. “authenticity” other some foods, spicy like or fear: I am struggles. underlying That family’s my about write to I hesitate be why to myself wanted I if ask to had I when a point came There family? my exploiting would long them then how about write I did not If family. my about writing continue me their story? ideamakes The record to entitled feel to writer another take for it from come to were be if the writing as the same not would it because I know queasy fade into to want I do not complexities. the culture’s knows in and who lives someone my want I do not else. someone by be to portrayed want not I do the background. me So if not lives. our the of pulse from removed far someone by portrayed family then who? \\\ 16 \\\ | INTRODUCTION :: Amanda Galvan Huynh these books into books these world the as we as them much need as we poems. need have had acraftbook or essays backburnerthe on to find encouragement tobring I hope anthology this love,the and reassurance the struggle, the that you are not artistry. alone poetic in this To for inus and believing work. this Operating System: thank you for bringing anthology this into physical the world, and To Amanda Ngoho Reavey, Tattered Press,Lynne DeSilva-Johnson, and The long.too for wonderful the guidance on project, this and for my being haven. The list is just To my co-editor Luisa A.Igloria: thank you for saying yes, for with idea, running the 6 5 4 3 2 1 Notes bipoc writers: Ihope you bipoc what find youpages, the to these need hear in support, Baldwin, James. Baldwin, “A Talk to Teachers.” 16,1963. October Anzaldúa, Gloria E.and Moraga. Cherríe This BridgeCalled Back:My 51. Rankine, Claudia. Rankine, “In Way: Our inCreative Racism Writing.” The Writer’s Neary, Lynn. “In Elite mfa Programs,Challenge The of Writing While Cisneros, Sandra. “The House on Mango Street—Inspiration.” Interview by 2015. Print. Writings by Radical Women of Color. State University of New York Press, Chronicle, vol. 49,no. 2,2016,pp. 47–58. 2013. October 363580/in-elite-mfa-programs-the-challenge-of-writing-while-other. 3 codeswitch/2014/08/19/341 Considered, ThingsNPR: All www.npr.org/sections/ ‘Other.’” Knopf Group, 1April 2009. will continue conversation the and inspire bipoc writers who INTRODUCTION :: Luisa A. Igloria | /// 17 /// ) in Luisa A. Igloria A. Igloria Luisa - a- u- ti- ful I whenever e)- a- u- ti- (open editor’s introduction editor’s . To leave an article of clothing you have have you clothing article of an leave I. To may please , and . It was even possible to make up a word based on one’s memory of how it it how memory of based one’s on a word up make to even possible was . It My mother was a talented kosturera or seamstress who could rip through a pattern a pattern through rip who could seamstress or kosturera a talented was mother My official city of some whoever for daughter hours, three in less than finish start to from social other or event. a dance for minute the last at made a dress beggedhad have to keyhole like words sophisticated impossibly were me to I learned her what From ruche, placket, piping, facing, sleeve, raglan chiffon, voile, godet, eyelet, neckline, some of the names know not did when she But closure. frog hook-and-eye, smock, for substitute to metaphors or use images simply to possible was I learned it colors, became the-inside-of- taupe for: in this way, the language have did not one what peanut-skin the market—wet baskets full of possibly the tiniest fish in the world, their eyes mere mere their eyes world, in thethe tiniest fish full possibly baskets of the market—wet them in batter coat would bodies. We silvery translucent on and black of pinpricks unfamiliar crossing Before leaves. banana in fragrant fryand platefuls steam them, or the spirits to say to supposed were you overgrowth, of the garden clearing territoryor no mean harm you that your of scent so behind, thelingering leaving are you a while the ones with for worn a little. easebody their might loneliness What else was I taught, what else did I learn by taste or by feel and remember with with remember and feel by or taste else learn did I by what I taught, else was What knew family in my the women days, body? whole On certain types overcast my of (sicyopterus ipon of be mounds would if there lachrimosus clouds the look of from There are things I do that I realize I hardly need to think consciously about anymore: anymore: about needto think consciously realizehardly I I I do that things are There and vinegar much ginger; mince how and crush garlic peel to and when cooking, how on poured rice grains lightly fingertips rest to the adobo; how into throw to leaf bay water much how measure to finger the index on use line the second and the pot, into to together thread of ends two pinch to sewing how a hem, cook. When needs to it be my mind in Hearing a knot. twirl firmly into in the syllables down I broke the way is because that beautiful, the word across come a for word remember the help to device, a mnemonic turned into grade: I them first bee.spelling \\\ 18 \\\ | INTRODUCTION :: Luisa A. Igloria in apark on Marine Drive, west of Shore Lake Drive. He holds inhis left hand abook In Chicago, where Ididmy work doctoral early inthe ‘90s, there is astatue of Rizal novelist, doctor, ophthalmologist, polyglot, musician, painter, among other things. himas akindof renaissance Iread described books the all man: he was apoet, I was familiar with statues dedicated to Philippines’ the national hero, Jose P. Rizal— workalso things, to to sense feel, to remember. thought as work, as something that really involves whole the body—and that it was austere or coollycerebral. It was with akindof shock that Icame of back to idea the saw it was how adepiction it of seemed “thinking” as physical, rather than merely features and physiognomy are European. Despite that, what me I first struck when Thinker.”“The sculpture the Though is cast in bronze, there is no mistaking that its inadvertently were they male, and white. The housestheRodin famous Musée statue “the life of mind.” the included They philosophers, mathematicians, artists; and In school, there were plenty of examples of “thinkers,” or of individuals who’d lived musicians always eat last. But Iwanted to write poetry. something that inmy family was not considered or practical serious:artists are poor, He thought Iwould, like him,go to school to study law. Instead, Iwanted to make art, and become “professional.” pretty toonly be expected and get married, an education would help one tojob find a graduate school. In order with taken any to be seriousness inaworld where one was to school, butschool,school,school: finish grade college; high beyondand that, nature or with one’s hands. involved to Learning think going to school. Not just go for reflection self-awareness,and besides learning how thingsto do of a practical At that least he believed one had to develop—especially if one was a capacitygirl—a though I don’t agree, that is somehow thinking opposite the of doing, and versa). vice had to strive to become to something seems (which imply, of a doer besides a thinker My father was of ageneration that believed who inorder “successful” to be inlife, one inform my writing. arethey kinds the of lessons that have stuck with me most, the and that continue to or way inthe logical, useful that we typically understand what that might mean. But None of were these inschool. things learned None of might considered these even be ear.external plastic-like,the cream-colored connective tissuebones or between that made up the and my Ibelieved mother she when said culidon must have sounded before one forgot what it was—and thus for years, my daughters (not cartilage ) was name the for INTRODUCTION :: Luisa A. Igloria | /// 19 ///

? If two poets of color (one male, one female) both teach both teach female) one male, (one poets two color of ? If Creative Writing Program at Old Dominion University. Amanda Amanda University. Dominion Old at Program Writing Creative If normative models for learning or thought depict it as mostly separate from the from separate mostly as it depict thought or learning for models normative If by performed in the specialized as locale represented further, and functions; body’s what know to they come poets how to extend and the academe—does that school or have, knows” one “what of does the relationship what poets color, of For they know? pedagogy, and mentorship publishing, to limited not but extending conditions with poet a real if one Is possibility? and love, friendship, collegiality, and comradeship mfa an have does not one Such a contrast, I thought, to the depiction of Leona Florentino, considered the first the first considered Florentino, Leona of the depiction to thought, I contrast, a Such world. printed and the oral bridge and Ilokano, and in Spanish poet publish to Filipina mayor the married town’s was to she Ilocos Sur, in Vigan, family Born a well-to-do to in feminist sentiment the for by family shunned and town exiled was a different to but wine- who her was the woman with in love fell she that her also is of said It verses. her domestic in a rather in Calle a woman depicts Crisologo statue her yet, And seller. the traditional with seated is she hair, in her leaves laurel of crown a poet’s pose—despite She shoulders. her over a shawl legs and thighs her and over skirt spread or striped saya to someone for the window at waiting eternally grandmother, or becould a mother thinker. feminist and a progressive obviously not a poet, a writer, not home—not come or craft inthat the felt she how condition: to office a similar bewail my to came often that lists reading course or in syllabi nothing theory was taking, was there she courses asked: finally she my kitchen, in One evening herself. to was back she reflected who I’d it was something that a craft book? I admitted writing of ever thought you Have a such planning and started plotting we knew it, we Before do. to wanted always contribute. to others invite to how then talkingbook, and about and a quill in his right, held just slightly under the chin in that pose again meant to to pose meant in that again the chin under slightly just held right, in his a quill and “thinking.” suggest a graduate as stint recent Huynh’s Galvan Amanda to me, for years 23 forward Flash mfa our in student I’ve experienced the difficulty of finding my own models to guide my studies and studies my to guide own models my experienced finding of the difficulty I’ve a person color, of a woman immigrant, an as write to means it what experience of Illinois of in the University doctoral program my the of tail end At in the diaspora. Writing Creative and Literature American Asian designate to wanting Chicago, at I was examinations, my comprehensive of sections the five of out two as Pedagogy or expertise in on facultyhad the the who background anyone find to put hard Gloria of those works, like primary and critical significant were There theseareas. Cha, Kyung Hak Theresa Kingston, Hong Maxine Cisneros, Sandra E. Anzaldúa, Jr., Juan, San Epifanio Hagedorn, Jessica Minh-ha, T. Geok-LinShirley Lim, Trinh poetics, on collected works many that weren’t there But Wong. Sau-ling Cynthia poetsand of color. poets of indigenous the perspective and from for craft or theory, \\\ 20 \\\ | INTRODUCTION :: Luisa A. Igloria me capture best spirit the of what eachof to dofor us has tried undertaking: this offer here acento—a gathering poem prose someof from lines their essays, that to In of lieuof summary eachpoet’s the essay that is typical inmany introductions, I Risher, Vuong, Ocean Craig Santos Perez, and Kenji C.Liu. Aquino, Sasha Pimentel, José Angel L.Bingham- Remica Araguz, Queen, Khadijah Wendy A.Gaudin, Ernesto L.Abeytia, Abigail Tim Licad, Melissa Seibles, Coss Mai Vanganthology: Der (Foreword), Ching-In Addie Chen, Tsai, Tony Robles, We are honored so to and have thankful words the of following the inthis poets future. of strategies, intersections, bridges; to map our histories, to sight possibilities for the profit.serving Instead,there let be a steady effort to compile loretake and inventory play game the of divide and conquer and turn us against eachother for narrow or self- of color find ways to gain strength andvisibility without replicatingthe systems that craft or of doingthings,although them in is expressedwish—that acollective writers stance. Neither dowe offer essaysthese as prescriptive waysof certain thinking of of In we collection, this make no claims of presenting any definitivetheoretical or other was born. of ofexperiences writing color as poets anthology milieu—this project inthis to sharealso what we’ve from learned—each our unique as well as bonded of careers. their Out of desire the not only to hear from each other but of color.as poets And we hear of from them color poets at various stages These and other questions come so consistentlyup in daily our experience with and discuss can they pass on what have they to learned others? should change in order to How accord space and the deserve? them they respect best effects theircultural, ethnic, class,of racial, linguistic, and identities,other what minority not considered poets of part mainstream the of because combined the pejorativelyis described as an “academic poet,” what that does exactly mean? For samethe kinds of courses same inthe university program, but only one of them that was left behind. …may we never stop singing of our elders, ancestors, and forgotten every body a fire, if they don’t so do already. everywhere, especially those of color, equate the act of writing a poem to starting Perhaps anew version of literary civility what is we seek, one where poets Her father says, “If that’s what you must do… then goand do it.”

INTRODUCTION :: Luisa A. Igloria | /// 21 /// How do you begin? you do How body my own lineage; my understand is to story collective this understand To space. and time across breath for jostling bodies other to relates do to everything has landscape white a predominantly in body hybridized a be To craft. regarding makes one choices the with wasted “No learns work—he work—custodial janitorial do father his Watching energy.” wasted no movement, and interrogate, to complicate, to unearth, to challenge, to form essay useI the phenotypes, their beyond lives full their and women these venerate to ultimately, men’s white of objects as the condition their beyond selves, external their beyond desire. home of feeling a feeling, a about also place—it’s a than more is about …poem and belonging. and self-love own my in believe and integrity, with honestly, live to I am If my of discovery others’ with only not comfortable be I must then acceptance, without and it—unapologetically of own declaration my with also but illness shame. a of worthy a voice fashion to silence, the bend to us try of so hard any do Why listen? of felt sense our reflect significantly actions our Either living. neutral no is There feel. we what of spite in lives perform we our or things manage we where space tiny is the for aiming are we target us that of so many For sometimes us, but used against long stereotypes enacting without truth the tell to turn. we way which matter no stereotypes of list long a like feels truth our a time. at arrow One dark the love to Ashamed body. my in stirred what feel to then ashamed I was body. have efforts their weather the and predecessors their through read must One it. to add to order in weather that go against then established, \\\ 22 \\\ | INTRODUCTION :: Luisa A. Igloria possible to bring volume this into world. the Johnson and TheOperating System, as well as Amanda Ngoho Reavey for making it for her patience, energy, and friendship. And of both us want to thank Lynne DeSilva- Thank you to my hard-working co-editor Amanda for her dedication this to project, generosity, hospitality. experienced destruction, can imagine—an ethics of mutual grieving, radical humanism or dominant universal. Instead, something only monsters, having Perhaps only monsters can reinvent humanity, though not with areplacement and ferocity. Not an attempt to create anew kind of man, but to grow amonster of compassion Write Cartographic Write Archipelagic Oceanic Write Write From As arule, be more. My words, they’re still so on the page, but on good days, they outpace the bullets. Are you there? Are you still walking? itself. to recall to is fill the presentwith the past. The cost of remembering, isthen, life Thesentence is a linear object—but thoughts are not lines. Memory returns, and The truestruins are writtennot down. shadows. and love examining dig into. Poetry about is mining—extracting things that come back to us—re- Desire obsession, is the things we keep going back to, that dig in that us, we works asthe opposite of narrowing— based on radical love, rooted in womanist thought. …[A]poetics of love that To feel not is weakness, but strength. This…advocates for critical engagement FOREWORD :: Mai Der Vang | /// 23 /// foreword foreword Mai Der Vang Mai do it, to not undertake an opportunity to enrich the possibilities for for enrich the possibilities to opportunity undertake an not to do it, “I’m going to study poetry,” I said. My parents normally don’t meddle in my meddle in my don’t normally parents My I said. poetry,” study to going “I’m I grew up in a Hmong refugee family that kept to the ancestral practices of shamanism. shamanism. of practices the ancestral to kept that family refugee in a Hmong I grew up departure my of the day on ceremony a brief conduct to parents my for custom was It in the there morning, August early That way. my lead on me could sothe ancestors a literary into steps take the first I would the day on room the living of half-light poetry. about my parents with a conversation I finally began future, But even in the midst of uncertainty and risk, of endings, beginnings, and reshuffling reshuffling beginnings, and endings, of risk, and uncertainty of even in the midst But long has that culture oral an from color of a woman As on. push I knew to I had life, of for stake at more much was so just seemed it there literary history, a definitive lacked not to that me at affirmed I “Yes,” real it, was risk. the bereft largely in a community writing creative this.” doing “I’m last, When I heard I had been accepted into the program, I shared the news with my the news my with I shared the program, been into I had accepted I heard When stoic usual his in father, this?” my about sure “You’re vaguely. rather though parents receptive. yet and He seemed concerned it. mentioned I first day that asked manner, moment, that In do it.” can think you you as long “as continued, he “Well,” sure. I was job at my end Fresno, of hometown my leave it, do all I could of sure entirely I wasn’t my of years six last the had devoted I where organization media youth a non-profit a of in pursuit Fresno, of the opposite a metropolis, to relocate and car, sell my life, its investment. on return sure no offered that degree graduate It was an early August morning still hours before any sliver of light, before the before light, of sliver any before still hours morning August early an was It familial space of cavern that In day. a fresh of the turning and stars of surrendering beginning was life home, parents’ my at room living lit dimly and in the quiet seated tempered anxiety in a of as if washed sea feeling recallof emotions, I shift. twist to the headed to a flight board to going I was hours, a few calm. In of kind a strange with writing. in creative degree M.F.A. an for school graduate attend to City York New \\\ 24 \\\ | FOREWORD :: Mai Der Vang kingdom pages, continually intoning and out calling to say let forge us our narratives into a new a hand reaching out to touch reader, the as ifamouth stitched has been onto the make louder chorus the and rumbling, the drive shape-shifting deeper become to other, communities, their and shared their labor with language. of voices Each these give who ofby poets themselves essays these inthese as away of honoring each encouraged, demand also for they ear the to hear, to heed,to receive. Iam moved The essays offered this in important collection notonly hearttheopen to feel be and world.the andexperiences, realities for people of color and country in this throughout our understandingdeepen and our care call and attention to lives, the much diversity needed to national the landscape, literary voices whose to resound of insolidarity color with poets work whose and presence bring my life, for my family, with my community. It would give also me achance And was this a choice that not only had potential the to break ground new in future of writing was somehow right the one to make. vast universe of work much and so ahead still unknown, decision the to embark on a gathering of ancestors were standing alongside me, that there asserting was while a did not require me present to be for its duration.there I left feelingthough as a was almost for time me to leave brief as the he ceremony, proceeded to begin which He sat down at kitchen the table with lit incense inhand, its smoke trailing air. the It “If that’s what you must do,” my father replied, “then go and doit.” of my mouth and into spaceof moment this unexpected the with my parents. historiesthe of and traumas suffered by communities like my began own, to spill out pushing against erasure the of our individual and collective stories, to make visible long-term aspirations Ihad, to write, to publish, to harness language as away of recognitionwild that there must something be larger and more profound the ahead, And simple inthis conversation, sudden this invitation, surprising this and arrival like kwv the txhiajs we sing,” Iexplained, “but written be mine down.” will we dohave arich oral tradition that includes folk forms art such as sung-poetry. “It’s Hmong equivalent, we Irealized may not have had adefinitive history writing,of but my“What mother asked. doyou In mean searching poetry?” my thoughts for a attend graduate school, Ihadn’t yet shared with what them Iintended to study. educational or professionalthemknow affairs Ididlet while so about my decision to . There is the coreat these compassionof pieces the fiercestof kind.

FOREWORD :: Mai Der Vang | /// 25 /// If ever we are asked why we write, what little room there is for our voices, whether it whether it voices, our for is there room little what write, we why asked are ever we If the page. to steadfastly return then let us even matters, Should we be antagonized for our use of native tongues, unrelatable images, images, unrelatable tongues, native use of our for be we antagonized Should in thelanguage answer thenlet us grammar, bastardized or syntactical disruptions, crow. a rooster’s in the vernacular of in the dialect rivers, stars, of of And if ever we are told to explain our fire and intensity, to defend our histories of our histories to defend intensity, and fire our explain to told are we if ever And our of singing stop never we then belief, may of positions clarify to our trauma, left was bodybehind. that every and forgotten ancestors, elders, That’s the kind we desperately need here, now, and today given this country’s harsh harsh country’s this given today and now, need here, we desperately the kind That’s reservedPleasantries or tones. courtesies for time is little There political climate. truthful echo to enough more and larger something of be in favor discarded must is literary civility of a new version Perhaps so many. by felt angst and the frustration the act equate poets where seek, everywhere, we one what especially color, thoseof do so already. if they a poem don’t writing fire, a starting to of \\\ 26 \\\ | HOW DO YOU BEGIN? :: Ching-In Chen how doyou (another begin?* poetics) Ching-In Chen each story. dreamThey against skin waytheir to closer detritus. bite outer eating sections, Chunky beginnings writing, Iam hungry. edges because Because Because TrishBecause Myung Salah, Mi Kim, Natalie Maiana Diaz, Minahal, M.NourbeSe Is there someone inside you that you might not have met yet? Do youDo know my name? to re-wire your tongue. to adifferent learn syntax, To me meet is (athem) Oliver, Kimiko Hahn, Sharon Bridgforth, Sarah Gambito, Craig Santos Perez. Catalina Cariaga, Layli Long Layli Catalina Cariaga, Soldier, Saar, Betye Juan Felipe Herrera, Akilah Phillip, Gloria Anzaldúa, Suheir Hammad, Mendi +Keith Obadike, Brenda Cárdenas, Cathy Park Hong, Noah Purifoy, Truong Tran, Kearney, Douglas body-doubles. necessary to make the impossible connection between between them, the brief connection of synapses next, and yet when laid side by side, there aspark is fragment, one historical project to the there no is direct linear trajectory from one narrative their textual bodies? always, how do trans /genderqueer writers create being alive. And I’m so curious, so still and As if the page a tiny is body, a place to practice – Morty Diamond – Natasha Marin – Larissa Lai

HOW DO YOU BEGIN? :: Ching-In Chen | /// 27 ///

- Donna Haraway Chagoya & Felicia Rice & Felicia Chagoya remains. – Adrienne Rich – Adrienne remains. – Guillermo Gómez-Peña, Enrique Enrique Gómez-Peña, – Guillermo others, on a page, something written down that that down written something a page, on others, can re-create that fierce charge, for yourself and and yourself for charge, fierce that re-create can – That you yourself, through recombinations and and recombinations through yourself, you – That permutations of the languages you already know, know, already you languages the of permutations you can listen to the voice of your other selves * & selves other your of voice the to listen can you a digit push can * you ancestors your of voices the to * you vice versa * or image to voice your & transfer need even don’t * you anymore go out to have don’t simplified been has syntax * our read art or make to needs psychocultural your meet to The main trouble with cyborgs, of course, is that that is course, of cyborgs, with trouble main The militarism of offspring illegitimate the are they state mention to not capitalism, patriarchal and often are offspring illegitimate But socialism. fathers, Their origins. their to unfaithful exceedingly inessential. are all, after ... the cyborg does not expect its father to save it …. it save to father its expect not does cyborg ... the Because I growl from throat, throat, from Because I growl all variations say fully present. Remembered, hot- magnificent, Monstrous, bodied, multi-channeled, constraint. cross blurred close. ears, teeth, my Because my wrestle, Ready to take to a clearing for waiting shape. Using photographs, newspaper articles, maps, scholarly research and archaeological archaeological and research scholarly maps, articles, newspaper photographs, Using of struggling theimaginings, erasure with other and dreams alongside reports memory through communal reconstruct to the attempt history and community re-imagining. actscollective of unable to access intimacy to those who lived through this history [excavating the thishistory [excavating thosethrough to intimacy wholived access to unable locations, – dates, a sea information through xxxx] of history of “real” and “imagined” an in artifacts and only existing city between a historical – conversing numbers redevelopment constant through identity its re-negotiating city future imagined Demand concentration, a sinking concentration, Demand the surface. past down recycling, constantly the future of city” “shiny un-named an Investigating roam/s m s/t/he/ as traveler a following itself, regurgitating and cannibalizing, departure. before the city through \\\ 28 \\\ | HOW DO YOU BEGIN? :: Ching-In Chen to other bodies jostling forto other bodies breath across and time space. To understand is to collective story this understand my own lineage; my relates body layeredtheir trails and of stories artifacts the that surround them. and re-making themselves imagination inthe of connected to through those them two These “cities” reflections each of other, continually the in process of un-making [Note: *from Mouth waits. open and loose grow landscape the infront of us. to never feelBecause whole intelligent? forward or backward? Are her movements progression demanded. is Has she moved she has become by the end of the novel? A any one moment and how can we trace who reliable source of her story? Who she is in told – what happens to { In aconventional novel readers expect to be Bhanu Kapil’s Bhanu – Laynie Brown }?Is she a The Vertical Interrogation of Strangers] this, you are not yet awriter.” horizon before you continue.Until you understand stop, look both sides, check the trajectory of the sign on the road of life. Its purpose to is make you shook his head. He told me, “A story like is the stop stories, with beginnings, middles, and ends. He work of awriter. Itold him that awriter writes My Uncle Eng once asked me if Iunderstood the uneasy relation. swallowed into tongue, it/they/we exist/in network financingsecret nameservitude, laborership hands, carrying moneyed container. If my profit bodies prison, accent (or apart less), set from its family it non-conforming, it different call color, itetcetera. woman, Call it queer, call call of courseBecause –we are human all – Kao Kalia Yang I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET :: Addie Tsai | /// 29 ///

Addie Tsai Addie – Homi K. Bhabha – Homi re: mfa vs. poc vs. re: mfa i’ll take what i can get: get: i can what i’ll take some thoughts on erasure on erasure some thoughts this poem should include Asian stuff, like lemongrass and soy soy and lemongrass like stuff, Asian include should poem this , wouldn’t it be fun if this named all the different brands of rice, like Uncle Ben’s Ben’s Uncle like of rice, brands different the all named this if fun be it wouldn’t , or By the time I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in English with a concentration in a concentration with Arts in English of a Bachelor with the time I graduated By understand to the lineage or the tools I had that say not I could Writing, Creative an of a child As the particular a poet identity. as I occupied biracial position of mother, abandoning a weed-addled and Chinese father, abusive and omnipresent female) male (or any for survive. desperate to I was in those enough days was it my in which ways the regarding stridetookcuts in I little the onto. hold to figure Rice” to poem “Ode my the time that as poems—such my entered racialbackground student: male graduate a white led by workshop all-white in an mocked literally was Asian tomatoes aren’t To that end we should remember that it is the ‘inter’ — the cutting edge of translation translation of edge cutting ‘inter’ — the is the it that remember should we end that To the negotiation, and inbetween space of — meaning the of burden the carries that and polarity of politics the elude may we Space, Third this exploring by . . . And culture. selves our of others as the emerge sauce mockery other than anything for fight to how know I did not , etc. rice Minute or rice, the idiosyncratic with along went I merely that so much wasn’t It condescension. or that, was derided, it or mocked was workshop a into brought I material any that way it. get I could where get, I could I expected what time, I took it. that at age, that at poetto first take mentor—the my male poetas to the white who still I When refer travel to hard were that in places me push to talent, my praise to wing, his under me blank, point me, told and cafeteria in the campus lunch at down me the page—sat on of poetry my Asianness, addressed manuscript first my sure I needed make to that felt , I white aren’t you that will know one no workshop, a in being without because strangers. of the kindness refute to in a position time not the same at but tokenized, \\\ 30 \\\ | I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET :: Addie Tsai me to what might happen within next the hour, but most of Ispent time the inthe Sven! Without your dashiki Ihardly recognized you! Perhaps that should have alerted offaculty color gave during my second residency. The name the lectureof titled was I discovered just how white mfa this program was, ironically, during lecture the a creative work. essay-long semester project,almost left which time no for any engagementwith my me instead, or connected being with two Asian new just faculty as Iwas reaching my from by them yet another white enforcing faculty male his way into working with almost ironic that by Iwould time the faculty finally meet of color, Iwas either kept explore, and that Iwanted acknowledged by my and peers by my mentors. It seems by Mandarin but without any tools to understand sounds, those that I wanted to representationthis of my interior and exterior life as one was who surrounded any poems the more than others did. But it push was this of meaning and language, my material difficult. Ididn’t so poetic understand the characters I was inserting into to question, to implore what it was about my non-white that particular body made their incomprehensibleleft texts to standwithout explanation. Icontinued to argue, includedwhich any of Romantic the languages—Italian, French, Spanish, German— character the when was followed with aliteral translation, other evenwhen poems ofbody students inany workshop that to translate Ineeded infootnotes, them even into text the of my Iwas even when told poems, repeatedly by white almost the all I pushed and fought and toiled inmy own way. Icontinued characters Chinese to insert studentsboth and faculty—uncomfortable with my foreignness. to point, the explicitly directed to change course as not so to make white the bodies— by ways the in I which felt ofmy color as a poet body made erased, invisible, or more me and transformed my relationship to craft in a profound way,transformed also I was Although Ican say without doubt that my inmy experience mfa changed absolutely thatbelieve ifIplayed game the sincerely enough, Iwouldn’t forsaken. be didn’t feel Icould authentically exist inawhite universe, naïve Iwas still enough to father had kept me from any immersion true in that world; and although I certainly programthe where Ireceived my Bachelor’s. Ifelt like afraud among Asians, for my attend, aprogram of Ilearned from and other faculty white graduate poet students in miracle that I learned when I was accepted to low-residency the program I would soon their hazel tones giving me away, neither one nor the other. I felt it was no less than a memoir: Many what Iscrawled times Iimagined would opening the sentence be of my first Who was Itohorse agift look the in mouth? For, told, be truth that kindness was more than Ihad everreceived from my parents. I am like that overlap in aVenn diagram, pug nose and almond-shaped eyes, I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET :: Addie Tsai | /// 31 /// That one’s Asian because foot foot because Asian one’s That . And onwards it went. It began It went. it onwards . And mother overbearing Jewishbecause one’s That . . But, . But, happening be actually can’t this a joke, be must this myself, to I thought first, At answers tone-deaf horrific, most the proceededwere that answers The was. it oh, bodies: othered to regards with witnessed ever had I heady rush of learning, and took all substance that I could gather from whatever it it whatever from gather I could that all took substance and learning, rush of heady in the entire embroiled I became immediately Although I experiencedwas there. faculty and student white a mostly for set which this had faculty member up context and quickly me, absented that the set to up the responses in reality, was, it body, memory serves, calledwas If does, I believe thegame it the room. and from painfully, excerpts readshort proceededto member faculty then The Person. Colored the Name were attendance) other faculty in any (or students The color. of writers various from the piece. of the “color” name literally, quite to, policies underhanded to regards with the institution against push to I did attempt a poet with color paired of I was residency, third my At color. of people regarding binding experience took never entire that I wished that be say easy to would it Although even if largely can, in which bodies color the ways of understand me helped it place, able aren’t that in institutions racial inclusion, of tokens become unintentionally, I since years ten been over It’s be else needs to acknowledged. what understand to faculty and of inclusion the program’s in the time since, and the program, attended color) of students queer as such identities intersectional as well (as color of students recent the most at a student by told I was a thousand-fold. evolved have seems to their took and together them got of number a that conference writing a at reunion their complaints time, over be, and that the powers to diversity grievances regarding ultimately, that, regret I change. inform to takesa group it Sometimes addressed. were psychology my in too cemented demands, real any make to been had I too passive allows that the institution against push to how know survivor to still abuse a child as get. I could taking than what rather erasure, such to feel like assault, an erasure of trauma enacted upon bodies of color by white white by bodies color enacted upon of trauma of erasure an assault, like feel to moment present the myself leave felt I time, the first For centuries. for interpreters bodies me, surveyedI bodies surrounded hall and of the that lecture continued, it as then the I realized was only I was It safe. I felt whom with me, understood who I felt of in the all student Asian a single was There genre. in the entire color of student hadwho been in color poetry, of member one faculty was There well. as genre fiction initially had reason beenThis the in fiction. two lecture and time, the first for invited with connect to admiration, of out shy, incredibly although forward, myself I pushed one no with have I could conversations the have to able were we this poet. Thankfully, in position my about having was I realizations the myriad through me got that else, there. body disavowed was in which my the ways and the program, \\\ 32 \\\ | I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET :: Addie Tsai lyric withlyric his fragments of landscape and patois the formed from colonialist the agreatI learned from deal Walcott with regards to how he expanded romantic the to write about Derek Walcott, rather Frost. than poet, aCaribbean Robert Although By end the of residency, the program the had given me aconsolation prize: Iwould get to dowith choices the everything one makes regarding craft. To owntheir poetics. ahybridized inapredominantly be body white landscape has relationshipthe aperson’s otherness (or whiteness) had to dowith how one crafted to of atextual body whiteness. Secondly, what decision made this invisible also was thatdo with were fact the they not me, forced to write inand continue to contribute hadn’t published to enough And inorder had this everything experts. deemed to be any of judgment their aspect on that the my poets list were they because not experts of mybodies institution: you cannot remove role the of patriarchal whiteness from whatThis is Idid not havethe heart or agency to explain the degree-conferringto other words include me. did not include my most fundamental experiences asaperson of color—that did not in MFA: Vs.POC mypoliced own and body politic program inthe as well. As Junot states Diaz inhis metaphor for how policing the of text which Icould inmy use essay ultimately wept. It my presence seemed small squeaky on audible the mattress was aperfect recognition. Itucked myself into on plastic the aball mattress inmy dorm room and students the past all could who basksun, inthe comforted by visibility their and publicationsenough book to warrant that title. After silentlythe Iwalked meeting, thaton are poets clearly “experts,” and that many simply of poets these didn’t have where I was told that for an essay of magnitude, this would they like us to focus an “issue” that I was into taken a private meeting with director the of program, the I was told, explicitly, that Iwas not allowed to any use It of poets. these such became craft.via more deeply understand ways the Asian inwhich address American identity poetics working opportunity with abiracial Asian aperfect it American seemed to poet; Marilyn and Chin, Paisley that, Rekdal. at Iwas beyond thrilled long last, Iwas Mei Berssenbrugge, Amy Kwan Berry, Rick Barot, Cathy Song, Chitra Divakaruni, Li-Young Ihad on list initial the poets that Other Lee. from Iretrieved my files: Mei- an Asian informed particularly who my American poet creative work at time, the an “expert” genre inthe manages of set craft aparticular elements. Iwanted to study my semester-long essay project, a 30-50 page analytic essay that demonstrates how contemporary biracial Asian I’d poet heard read inperson. It was to time work on workwhose tremendously had been during impactful my undergrad: first the Simply put, Iwas aperson of color in aworkshop whose theory of reality

I’LL TAKE WHAT I CAN GET :: Addie Tsai | /// 33 /// In my final residency there, I would no longer ask for permission. I worked with a with worked I permission. for ask no longer would I residency final there, my In quite me, for who asked the start, but at me understand to poet claim who did not work the where from her understand help could that information any offer to clearly, use poets’ American Asian biracial three study I would I decided that So, emerged. that arguing presentation, class final graduation my for in their work the image of It a non-issue. completely was It their bodies as their were. hybrid poetics as were a private without question, without came It do. to get would I that even a thing wasn’t that time, over learned, I have couch. a curled a sunken body on meeting, without and the self-policing of theout very way a at least, or change; generates resistance self-materialization. to instead burden of the island, I always wonder what I would have come away with if I had if I had with away come have I would what wonder I always theisland, of burden with consoled ownthan truth, rather my to discover place in a which been offered when that seems telling It about. read willing to they were color of writer the of kind brim filled with white to it the was only not time, that of list reading my I look at back beenhad a in the or past, presently, every themwas almost of that one but writers, the program. faculty of \\\ 34 \\\ | HOLIDAYS :: Tony Robles holidays: thecustodial artist aswriter decay of city the spirit, not to mention various wisecracks—have gone over quite well of my life inmy city—firings, epiphanies nature,solitary of a the crisis, eviction the andpoems short stories, offering goofball insights gleaned the lastdecades over 3 and short stories—Cool Don’t Live Here No More—A Letter to San Francisco. The number of requests for such presentations since publication the of my of book poems have invited been to a morning to speak English class. Ihave received an increasing ofI think my father as Imake my way to City of College San Francisco where I introduction that amazes still me and that me to led become awriter. of highest the order. of Ithink himand my introduction to holy the trinity—an of other held sounds artists the also my father made—a janitor, artist acustodial contained voices the of world class sopranos and tenors, pop and vocalists, amyriad wielded edifice much influence on his life the as church.walls Thebuilding, whose Avenue House, past Opera the place the that employed himas ajanitor. Thatgrey on couch while the tales or driving his brown Cutlass with tan the roof on Van Ness where he proceeded to climb out of nearest the stained-glass window. In encounter with pristine the collar would put himinquite motherfucking the wringer. got hell the outta there”—showing wisdom beyond his years inknowing that such an “What did you I asked my do?” dad. “What He’d hell the you I did?” think reply. said priest, the “A little bit more to left…ok, the nowbend over.” priest, made who my young father stand of middle inthe room. the “Turn around,” parish priest as aboy insearch of ajob. “Well, son, let’s have alook say, alluding to penchant the priests had for young boys—recalling his own visit to a of some of goings the on church. inthe “There’s lots of the in punks priesthood,” he’d one or perhaps Easter. He would sometimes regale me—aof kid 11or 12—with tales worship—the Catholic brand—at untimely the (or timely) death of or afriend loved introduction. He was not a religious man. He inched his way towards house the of I remember long ago my introduction to holy the trinity. My father made the Tony Robles getting the hell outta there he proceeded, inquick fashion, to go to restroom the at you,” said the He wove such “I “I HOLIDAYS :: Tony Robles | /// 35 /// What do you want? Can I help you with something? something? with you I help Can want? you do What

Hey! My father, as custodial artist, likely never thought of himself as an artist, or a a or artist, an as himself of thought never custodial as likely artist, father, My of circumstances result as a him upon was title bestowed The custodian custodian. of men young for a time when opportunities at age of came He life. his permeating of on limitations the more reflect imposed limitations very The limited. were color them make parts that is—human the moving—that and themselves the institutions artist, trained formally a to say not is That artist. an was father my function. But Getting back to the holy trinity: I became acquainted with this bell with trinity: curve the holy to back Getting becameI trifecta acquainted via head my over a roof keep to father my by endured duty daily work—the janitorial engendered as quality this trinity possessed spiritual a Perhaps gut. food my in and one is that of labor division and son—a is a father There texts. its and the church by divine. tothe say, dare may I affinity, or a commonality have we that, In the same. and tactile us those the senses to of of more which I speak the trinity of much is However, wasthe to me introduced so deftly my father beings. The trinity that sentient who are implements or do these ask, items may you What, the wringer. and the mop, bucket, whatsoever? consequence any of anything academic or setting, an do with to have “Mr. Robles?” Who might this might Robles?” Who “Mr. place. wrong the have must : You commonly most or, who it of still I am half unsure the mirror with encounters of a lifetime be?person In for search I look and as breath my under I say Robles, Mr. side. I see theis other on father. my “Mr. Robles?” a voice announces. I am not accustomed to such formal introductions. introductions. formal such to accustomed not I am announces. Robles?” a voice “Mr. to accustomed more am I I roam the halls some 20 years later. I see the same floors, doors, structures—new and and structures—new doors, seeI floors, the same later. years 20 the halls some roam I collective heartbreak—the disappointments, thoughts, dreams, of old—incubators in the Creative artists experience. I see aspiring the faces of the human of tissue class, for waiting and boards, sketchbooks thewith floor on sitting Arts building, direction in either by pass humans their fellow of droves as inspiration for waiting that classroom the for my search in the hall. which I find, is procession in a runway a by building the correct to directed I am building. in the wrong I am that me awaits some fullstudents, nearly is with It classroom. at the arrive I finally art teacher. kindly arriving. some sitting, with readers; for the first time in my life, people appear genuinely interested in what in what interested genuinely appear people my life, in time the first for readers; with more this institution I used take when I attended to bus I take the same say. to I have my life of a part much buildings—soand see bus the the off I get 2 decadesthan ago. sea air—I or land, on perhaps or chair up—a end I would idea no when where I had classes, innocence I walked my the halls to stumbling idea. With the faintest not had in I was myself convince to in the quest or something of in search the bathroom, to it. the ever elusive of search \\\ 36 \\\ | HOLIDAYS :: Tony Robles I look atI look area the and hemop is correct, afew spots. Imissed “The must have…” “Look at that,” he says, his running finger over an area the floor.of “You this.” missed My father at looks me as if Ihave lost my mind, and perhaps Ihave. cleaner aroma whose burns “I nostrils. the don’t anything see wrong.” atI look floor. the glistensIt theand air scentis withtheheavy of industrial floor atLook that floor…does it look clean to you?” “Well, you might an be author but you ain’t shit it when comes to mopping afloor. “Step on what? I’m an author.” “Hey, step on it!” he says. dimensions. his face. It Isee with urgency and is riddled impatience. with my father. It is aroom not classroom the unlike Iam visiting—roughly same the “Mr. Robles,” Ihear again. And just as quickly as it is said Ifind ina myself room lab away pecking typewriter at keys like the some bird hungry burdened too to fly. knowing meaning the of my name—that is—the meaning of my life. Hours inthe in classes, writing my name on endless sheets of paper, scribbling quickly—barely into of walls the hallowed this institution searching for direction. I remember sitting at facesabout the me, not my unlike face20years facefirst earlier Iwalked when wasn’t shit—no title, neither Mister nor author, fish nor Ilook fowl or otherwise. before imbiber this scribe, of this Ibecame words—in short, myself Irecall I when managed to somehow make it. But Iremember myself before Mr. Ibecame Robles, that of plagues those us by blessed human the condition—a C+average student who overgleaned time, glistening with patina the of effortsfailed and requisite idiocy In name the of bucket, the mop Iam and classroom inthe wringer: with arespectability me. for and Iinan attempt to climb for ladder socioeconomic the himand abaptism of fire notions and delusions, he his started own janitorial business—a 2-man crew—he confront we who were. In expanse the of his dreams with Horatio sprinkled Alger with something that would sustain uswe when could barely into look mirror the to and moved across his skinlike songs the that kept us alive, filling our emptypots B was adance, aflow, an exhibition impartedof a story thatto him livedbones inhis moment he put on his His shoes. mundane movements, his moving from point Ato an artist from moment the he rose from to moment the bed he showered to the but and art expression moved me communicate Let inhis blood. to you that he was HOLIDAYS :: Tony Robles | /// 37 /// . out and in boom, boom operation… to supposed be a simple was . This ass my I needn’t belabor the point that when one encounters a toilet, particularly one in a particularly one a toilet, encounters when one that the point belabor I needn’t and the maintenance been with entrusted have space—especially when you public The inevitable. are stain the shit with encounters your toilet—that said of cleanliness factors—not of number any by be can measured these encounters of tenor or quality spiritual that wielding the one of mind of the which mood is state the of or least quite up I worked ensued. case, the scrubbing my In brush. a.k.a. the toilet baton DJ a club of reminiscent frenzy forth and a back brush: toilet my with a sweat “See, that’s how it’s done,” my father says. I look at the floor. Every inch mopped over, over, Everymopped inch the floor. I look at says. father my done,” it’s how that’s “See, outta the hell get let’s and the toilets of take care and go be to seen. “Now holidays no h e re .” I watch my father wring out the mop and glide it over the floor. Wide strokes, cutting cutting strokes, Wide the floor. over glide it and the mop wring out father my I watch part part urgency, part is music, that ensuing a rhythm in a loop, the corners at wasted No done. get needs to what done added together—gets that—when dance energy. wasted no movement, “For the half-assed job you did on this floor, I wouldn’t give you a packet of ketchup. ketchup. of a packet you give wouldn’t I this floor, did on the half-assed job you “For yet—let better again—wait, the floor deserve Mop thein ass. you foot a anything, If Learn something.” shut. mouth your and open eyes your Keep do it. me “I like hamburgers.” hamburgers.” like “I “But We half-assedwork. your over to backtrack have we the job finishing of instead Now over going we’re instead but fries now french right and hamburgers becould eating work.” your “But…” “But…” “It’s when you mop a floor and you miss spots. You never want to have holidays. I holidays. have to never want You spots. miss you and a floor mop when you “It’s me.” disappoint You that. than better you I taught thought “What’s a holiday?” a holiday?” “What’s “Those are holidays,” my father says. says. my father “Thoseholidays,” are “Oh, it’s the mop’s fault?” my father says. I look at my father. His dust rag hangs from from hangs rag dust His father. my look I at says. father my fault?” the mop’s it’s “Oh, loop. belt his from dangling keys dozen a with brazen ring key pocket, back his his everything, eyes notice His every speck on body. in pace his with moving is mind His the wall, everyon wall the the event. documenting fly \\\ 38 \\\ | HOLIDAYS :: Tony Robles one taught who me most about what would ultimately become my craft: ofwalls institution this yet Icannot extricate myself from my father—for he was the “Mr. A voice Robles?” says. around Ilook classroom. the much Ilearned within the a hamburger and more father and son dialog. a future essay. I help our him load janitorial supplies van in the before off taking for toilet you realize that you, at that moment, must utilize it. But is this another topic for shitthe stain. An ever bigger comes quandary process inthe when of scrubbing the father laments “holidays” on amopped floor, onecan never hope for a holidayfrom cameotimes appearances form inthe of family, and friends, neighbors. So, my while shitthe not stain does retreat into for obscurity long, but makes consistent and at that I—ifyou have will—halfway my shit together. But is this temporary relief, for as my father my inspects work and announces that I’m finally gettingthe hang of it, that clouds imagination the and more begets shit stains. My assault is not for naught shitthe stain of world, the shit the stain that smears across mind, the shit the stain shitonly the scrub stain porcelain inthe bowlbut, with my effort, attempt scrub to “Don’t day all take on that toilet,” my father out. until calls my Iscrub eyeshurt. Inot of other persons, are who far more difficultmake to disappear. many more exist, varieties inone manifestation or another—oftentimesthe in form porcelainthe to mock me. seemed Mind you, is this only one varietyof shit stain, as stain was stubborn—as shit stains usually are—and more the more the Iscrubbed, scratching arecord, creating rhythms and sounds he didn’t know he had. The shit attention. myclass gleams father with everything taught me as Ihave students’ the undivided Don’t leave any holidays, to myself Iwhisper before to speak as Irise class. this The can report and poet the is bound to report just as he or she is bound to breathe. inspiration inrelating that my as is, a poet; a teller experience of that truth only fromI rise my chair, ready to impart students to these my and, story hopefully, some my firsteditor, spotting my omissions,flaws and holidays. not deceive, donot for take granted or time the attention of your reader. He was truly anything less“Don’t than truth. the leave holidays” could mean, easily donot lie, do were art—communicating an intention that lived inhis core that would not accept would eventually attempt to write. Thorough and fluid, his mopstrokes were lines, When telling me, “Don’t leave any holidays,” of he was lines speaking the that I

writing. ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin | /// 39 /// . Say . Say ; slightly nasal timbre nasaltimbre ; slightly Wendy A. Gaudin Wendy maw , not slack-jawed slack-jawed , not . Here is how you say her name: accent on the on accent name: her say you how is Here . on my grandmother’s face grandmother’s on my Mema ; open-mouthed ma ; open-mouthed . Say it in a way that makes your teeth show, a smiling expression: Mema expression: a smiling teeth show, your makes that in a way it . Say , not the ma , not Her house had two bedrooms tucked in the back like carrots buried under the earth. buried under carrots in the like back tucked bedrooms two had house Her dressing and room own powder its had it and room, her was on the right one The Mary and the Virgin The stool. upholstered an and a mirror with complete table bed, her whose the wall white framed above on hung Jesus of Heart Immaculate it. them over when I ran hands my under feeling a bumpy made bedspread chenille warmed heater A gas bills. 100 dollar of stash her held a dresser A Kleenex on box a chain. of the end at a rubber plug included tub the porcelain and the bathroom, Mema lived in a bungalow on the west side of the city of Los Angeles, a mountain a mountain Los Angeles, of the city side of the west on in a bungalow lived Mema can You Valley. Fernando in the San home my from away freeways two and range porch gated a raised, with house, white and blue a little mind: in your it picture A canary the street. onto out looked that windows angled with nook a breakfast and a under couch paisley white a teal and chairs, matching with table kitchen yellow circular a on base sitting its as piano miniature a with lamp a and cover, plastic thick On the back three. into out spread leg that one curved and one with table drawer and twin rollers and handle its with machine, washing antique an was there porch, and mustards beets collards, line, and a clothes in the yard, back and bucket, big radishes. it with your eyes wide open, face tilted up to the sky, like you were calling her name name calling her were you like the sky, to up tilted face wide eyes open, your with it Los your Alimos, and West Key of the corner on up feet, roller-skated your from their rubber band waist, your striking both of sides braids heavy and brown dark line, fishing of a long termination at the weights like ends finger-curled index and of in front standing sight, your within Avenue, Bismarck of the corner on is she and fuzzy in her she: tree, olive and grass dichondra delicate, its with home golden your housecoat. ubiquitous and slippers throughout. Say it brightly, as if the sun were shining into your mouth as you speak: you as mouth your into shining were if the sun as brightly, it Say throughout. Mema We called our grandmother called grandmother our We me \\\ 40 \\\ | ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin my naturally hair: curly, windy and swirly, unpressed, unrolled, unrelaxed, untreated, waythe that my Icarried body, way the that Idirected my gaze, way the that Iwore of my voice didit for me, my pronunciation, my reformed-Valley Girl enunciation, hierarchical manners, titles and local and Ididn’t have to announce myself: tone the most definitely out-of-sortswiththe accents this of theplace, colloquialisms,the I arrived inNew Orleans areturnee, abackslider, abackward-settler of sorts, thatparts were missing, of all it me back. calling To Louisiana. and its abbreviations, inheritance richand the of full Mississippi the Valley and the afacetellingwilderness, its whole history, its movements and its arcs, its crescendos place? Her face:an opus. Asand mandala. Agrand sequoia inaserene California androsary asaint’s inher purse, medal her accent and grammar from some other gelatinous, homemade hogshead dish inaglass cheese refrigerator, inthe acrystal came from. How didshe get here, with her white-white skinand cornflower blueeyes, Street, with its motif castle and windows, semi-circular you might wonder where she Marguerite, cousins, extended family. If you entered her bungalow at 3215 West 30 whom she came. No images of her mother, her father, her grandparents, her sister Mema had no photographs of family the that came before her, people the from swept up inapile on top of her head. neck, her shoulders painted narrower should than they have her dark been, hair painted photographs of Mema herself at an older age, astrand of pearls around her and amoustache, his eyeslooking away from camera. the You one might see of those photograph of Pop, wearing aplaid and shirt wavy greyhair horn-rimmed glasses, Sonny Boy, he when was just brown-skinned asmall, child. You aframed might see you walls, On the might findlarge a photograph of a young Memawithson, her blonde Jesus with astrawberry in her bed, watching over me. copy of Valley of the Dolls on nightstand, the but up Mema up Iended beside cuddled person’s room. When Islept at Mema’s house, out Istarted inPop’s cold double a bed, in a state andhidden under bed, the of everything unmovement, it felt like a dead cold and,very Ialways thought, it of smelled him. With boxes the of unopened gifts that Inever met. Mema kept his door and closed, Ientered when his room, it was bedroomThe the left on was Pop’s. Pop was Augustus Lawrence grandpa Burns, the spread smell. the suspended inbrightly-colored liquid, and you stick the pulled out of bottle the to Her bathroom kind that the like smelled pine was like awet stick Airwick, spongy * th

ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin | /// 41 ///

. there he is. he exhaled, there , she In 1930, Mema and Augustus Lawrence Burns—he, working as a Pullman Porter, she, she, Porter, Pullman a as working Burns—he, Lawrence Augustus and Mema 1930, In the Sunset boarded Directory— City Orleans New in the 1929 a laundress as listed they left behind. daughter first California. Their Monica, Santa for bound Limited unfixed, untamed, un-done-something-with. The only thing that marked me as me marked that thing only The un-done-something-with. untamed, unfixed, Gaudin. very surname. Louisiana Southern my was this place part of somehow There he was: survived by his wife and his two sons, his eight grandchildren, and his his and grandchildren, eight his his two sons, and survived by his wife was: he There stood peering mother at My a daughter. of mention No seven great-grandchildren. Wowthe microfilm. didn’t She doctor. French a was her father was this: told had Mema story short that The circumstances under her, whothe person fathered as only father, her as him know in a family, wedlock in a Catholic of born a child outside as her marking unknown, birth giving race women mixed history of a long with in a place community, Catholic the to her took mother her once: him only saw She men. white of the children to the stark uttered mother Mema’s walked when he by, and worked, he where hospital him. seen you’ve Now father. your There’s words: I lived on the bottom floor of a double-gallery up on Laurel Street, where the floats, floats, the Street, where on of a double-galleryup Laurel floor the bottom on I lived before lined up and gathered hooded horseback and on men bands, marching banana and yard front linedthe tiny fence iron Hinderer’s old An Carnivalparades. came mother in the My back. wooden fence the rotting against heavily leaning trees Mema where Vacherie of town the little to road the river up drove we and me, visit to the other on and tresses cane tall, perennial sugar side by one on encircled grew up, the cemetery through Walking River. the serpentine the Mississippi levees of side by the Ella. In Aunt Mema’s of the headstone spotted we behind Our Peace, Lady of room, in floor the the third Louisiana on Orleans, New library downtown in central the Times-Picayune of in the obituary father Mema’s found we My return to this place was a reclamation of history and ancestry. And privilege. My My privilege. And ancestry. history and of a reclamation was this place to return My did those as and who could positioning family’s all signals my at return to ability choose leave. to Mema held Sonny Boy in her arms. My mother was born almost a decade later. a decade born almost was later. mother My Boy arms. in her Sonny held Mema lefttheir later who Creoles of Louisiana the thousands among the earliest were They in sunny, a new life embrace behind to families and foodways traditions, homes, sat people black where gold, with paved were the streets California,Southern where but at best ambiguous was their racial classification where the bus, of the front at soon as as sky blue the bright as clear was Louisianans Southern as theirethnicity they their opened mouths. \\\ 42 \\\ | ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin maternal family had lived for over 100years. 1910, medicine he little inthe practiced town on Mississippi the River, where Mema’s addresses, his appointments, clinical and his connection to Vacherie: from 1904 until through his file and his learned entirepersonal and professional his home history: dark suit tucked tie with a silky into vest, the and ears with dangling I looked lobes. sittingglasses upon high his long, narrow cornflower nose; blueeyes,thin lips, a to right, the his straight, light-colored hair at beginning his widow’s frameless peak, I found him–his face, insepia, staring at me staring at him:his slightly head angled with hisa file name front.the on Graduate faculty of Medicine, it,. Opening 1924-1948 While I was flippingthrough the pagesaged the of of all them, them. arranged on ashelf, laws that made progeny their illegitimate. He any could be of recreational, that made children their laws, shielded by laws that made offspring their rumor, that sex their made miscegenation laws, anti-cohabitation laws, anti-concubinage laws, integrity racial sample like hors d’oeuvre except with brutality, with impunity, shielded by anti- anvista, endless number of open doors, an endless number of women of color to boy growing into awhite South, man white Deep inthe man with an endless he really anyone could be image. inthe And, really, of he: all could white them be man front, inthe farwith left, lighter hair and fading out the of photograph. But on right the at top, the one man with thick, dark hair, turned, head and another tothislarge find himin group, I have narrowed searchmy down twoto faces: sporting large mustaches and squinting sun. inthe Although it would impossible be presumablyall white but men, all number asmall wearing dark suits and ties, or effort, I found him amongthe graduates other the of Class of Medical 1904: I beganwith Jambalaya the last this bitLearning of information, to ITulaneheaded University’s archives. gynecology. Irony of ironies. where he graduated degree. with amedical His specialization: obstetrics and school,Sixteen Warren primary school, and Easton Tulane secondary University, French-named,also of both inNew born them Orleans. He attended McDonough According to obituary, the he wasinNew born Orleans in1882, of both his parents clinical. Literal. Cold. Reverence. Offerings. Origins. Great-grandfather. In our family history, termis the for my great-grandfather, name the alone connoting warmth. Asweet old man. After my mother home,returned Californiato desert her Icontinued searchmy , the university’s, the annual, little and time with very quadroons * Jambalaya , like light-skinned knickknacks , an archivist handed me ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin | /// 43 ///

* you I saw child a girl it’s so much potential so much ground: the in cold birth: gives she when profile in hands, your in a hat you for looking came she when waist her around apron an and nose a sharp and eyes blue with shoes black stiff in her I imagine away… is brushed soil the when touch the to sharp and flesh alien forgetting and newlywed are …you faculty other the like tie and suit dark root a tuber or potato white a little like but my mother says that you don’t look happy. look don’t you that says mother my but a step on foot one resting and half-smiling are you daughter her with act little private your unbury to hands her to stuck antennae shrimp and seeds okra expecting been had we cactus the like look don’t you and , the same woman he had his way with sometime in the month of July, July, of in themonth sometime with way his had he woman , thesame yearbook old an in woman one and men forty-six with posing Touse Through poetry, I contemplate the entire dilemma of fatherhood in Mema’s life. For For life. Mema’s in of fatherhood dilemma entire the I contemplate poetry, Through pregnancy: daughter’s young her of learns mother Touse’s that the moment example, existence: grandmother’s my fact of the plain and I went home to Laurel Street and stuck a tack through my copy of the photograph the photograph of copy my a tack through stuck and Street Laurel to home I went to Next desk. my above the corkboard into it pushed and great-grandfather, my of family her whom great-grandmother, my of a photograph of a copy him, I tacked called and records, files, diocesan university records, census manuscripts, History 1904. one as life her birth and Mema’s the story of of outline an form me helped obituaries missing. was so much but men, white of children fatherless of number countless a of with the doctor and Touse of the narrative into Sopoetry to turned I delve to only not blue not are which mine, storytell to their also but through eyes, blue the cornflower them. into shines when the green sun of bits with brown but \\\ 44 \\\ | ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin and uncovering him, letting himknow that he’s found: been him: Throughpoetry, directly to I speak great-grandfather,my explainingwhy write I to I consider my great-grandfather, himself, as achild: you probably wore short boots with buttons and avest I need to bury you inside that so Ican forgive you. and grown-up clothes to make you look grown up I am sure McDonough Sixteen’s yellowed annuals since childhood had barely been invented then on that dirt road ashort drive from the River, nothing for my voice to find now that you’ve I need to find you to make you innocuous. because there’s nowhere for my voice to go and gone to bed in the swamp, for good… I was years seven unborn when you died would show you with ahead full of hair small turquoise eyes and blond lashes and everyone knows she your is child I can see you, walking down the aisle fair hair and aturned-down mouth manufactured by unlucky little girls girls little unlucky by manufactured or had been set aside for dark men I need to write to speak to you and mine coming together… but no one says it out loud. your body turning to sand to turning body your I need to speak to you: much older than you; of Our Lady of Peace lost your memory your lost considered white. still diaphanous still and shirtsleeves and who weren’t yet it urgent. is

ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin | /// 45 ///

1931 of so tragic then cry… then young doctor but you never did… never you but girl blue-eyed …your returns. heat the until breathe, them make to fall the in you see I can her? remember Did you the wounds of her birth. her of wounds the Democrat? vote Did you a Packard? drive Did you man? your Hoover …Was know would one no so that kissing your virgin-white bride on the eleventh of January, 1905… January, of eleventh the on whom someone called octoroon an notice to even you for enough white ambition your betray that shoes and place this in month hottest is the July that than whiter so much was she but suit Sunday your in severe you, see I can so wholesome wholesome, was child Your ankle the by them dangling babies, delivering bed? your over netting mosquito hang Did you records her of all from dates the ripped she that afternoon thunderstorms bring cool and wet for a little while while little a for wet and cool bring thunderstorms afternoon Through poetry, I contemplate, too, ideas about race and whiteness when and whiteness race about ideas too, I contemplate, poetry, Through looking at my grandmother, who may have been reminded of the man who fathered who fathered the man been of reminded have who may grandmother, my at looking face: own every her her at looked time she line: the bottom is me, to what, and and asking him questions that will be never that answered: him questions asking and \\\ 46 \\\ | ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin space to direct my thoughts are who to as perpetrators those seen and them. to expose that inherited from they women the gives me the came who before poetry them, into spiritual their lives, to resuscitate ways the of love and worship and protection essay to excavate and decorate lives the of women the came who before me, to delve of my of ancestresses act leaving fatherless. very them inthe While Iprefer to the use women inmy family, who, those ironically, helped to define and delineatethe lives desire. poetry, Iuse on other the hand, to converse fathered who with those the beyond selves, external their beyond condition their asof objects the white men’s and ultimately, to venerate women these lives and beyond full their phenotypes, their beauty. essay the Iuse form to challenge, to to complicate, unearth, to interrogate, werewho oftentimesstatusbecause social their of objectified their and colonized andChoctaw Cherokee, of French, Spanish, and German, Irish men, as women race women inLouisiana, as descendants of enslaved African people, of land-thieved grandmother’s grandmothers and as womenhistory free their of color and mixed Many of my and personal historical essays shine light on my ancestresses, on my andshe carried that I,too, carry. to understandparishes, family the trying that Mema wasinto, born heritage the that community. Ipursued along line of research on my ancestors lived who sugar inthe young daughter having child of the awhite doctor, Catholic rural, small, inavery Touse, on Touse’s parents and what time wastheir a difficult in certainly lives: their I, as an historian and as awriter, keen attention focused not only on him,but on narrativethe that we’d always heard. Some of expressed them adistanced interest. him and details of the his life (where is he buried?), but understandably continued writings, different triggered responses in my family.Some them of had no interest in Unearthing my great-grandfather, whom I’ve Blue Cornflower called her father. showed photograph himthe that Ifound university inthe archive. That man was not I don’t want to see that man’s face, my mother was told by her brother she when or in acreaky old house that smelled of lye Touse gave birth to aradiant little girl whom man every must have wanted and generations of women’s pain? or in your private practice private your in or Did you take her out in the woods except you. *

inother ON MY GRANDMOTHER’S FACE :: Wendy A. Gaudin | /// 47 /// Although my family lost Mema when I was just seventeen years old, her voice remains remains voice her old, years seventeen when just I was Mema lost family my Although the fingernails, and fingers her humor, sense her of facial expressions, Her me. with the accent, her laugh, her store, the walked corner when to we me onto hung she way on me to belongs it All of history. Her house. Her name. Her kitchen. in her smells own begins in my What linguistic. something into transforms it and level, the cellular a as identity my mother, my I look like much how face, skin, my my of examination in ends race grandparents, mixed four of who the race person grandchild is mixed the woman as existence unmatched in her me, of love in her skin, in her body, Mema’s in the presence light-filled her in me, birth to who gave the woman birth to whogave the cypress, and myrtle the crepe through blow that in the winds movement her air, Orleans. in New here out me, surround that in the waters radiance her In history, men like my great-grandfather are culprits, lit by the spotlight of racial, of the spotlight by lit culprits, are great-grandfather my like men history, In they are poetry, In they indeed, are. privilege—and, gender socioeconomic, and a receiving forgiveness, receiving criticism, audience—receiving captive a – listeners say, I can poetry, In those they from acknowledged. never attention focused, dynamic I will speak. not, or me hear you Whether there. was she not, or her saw you Whether \\\ 48 \\\ | FOREWARD :: Mai Der Vang acutely and explore it in my own poetry. Sometimes what I have to say doesn’t said snowy, /inthis blond, blue-eyed, gum-chewing English.” Ifeel sentiment this “Bilingualpoem Sestina,” Alvarez writes, “Some things Ihave to say aren’t getting that Spanish is political, away of definingself theand surrounding world. In her JuliaReading Alvarez’s The collection, Other Side/El Otro poetry Lado , Irecognize For me, Spanish is akey to myself, unlocking away of connecting to my history. for sharing laughter over coffeefriends. with whom Ilived as achild, Spanish was for one secrets between whispering another or was understood, but never shared. For my grandparents, me raised who and with didn’t Spanish use for anything other than simple, nouns. everyday For Spanish them, reflexiones sobre la poesía reflexiones sobrela reflections onpoetry / Spanish world with words like When Iwas growing up, my parents primarily spoke English, only hinting at the bilingüe poeta As el theBilingual Poet /Como and abicultural person. my career, academic I’m encountering works that to me as abilingual speak writer identidad idiomas dos de is searching for myself, exploring my Spanish American heritage, reconciling mi intercessionthe of Plath and Bukowski. Now, nearing end the of my M.F.A., poetry anda mixof criticism, Aristotle theory and Foucault, research dissecting methods blowing between the crosses, row on row became my. During M.A. in English, poetry mingledbloods was Shakespeare’sundergraduate, poetry sonnets, John Donne’swith our flea two I walk in blackness and Istumble and fall Paz’s, as in Octavio Street.” “The As an is amysticalPoetry creature I’m to figure trying out, still along silent street where Ernesto L.Abeytia , Yeats’s coat covered with embroideries , and John McCrae’s poppies , expressing myself in Spanish and English. And, for once in puerta (door), * basura (trash), or mijo (my son). They REFLECTIONS ON POETRY :: Ernesto L. Abeytia | /// 49 ///

), matador (corner). There There (corner). (bullfighters, generally), generally), (bullfighters,

toreros (bullfighters who weaken the bull for matador the bullfor weaken the who (bullfighters (decorated wooden sticks with barbed ends). These words have specific have words barbed wooden These with ends). sticks (decorated … no English English no translations, with me confuse to head my in yet words of array dizzying no synonyms, with world the doubling Spanish— in intact and simple was world —the nombres the , as if flor casa, sol, luz, luna, so close were words as if things, of skin outer the were by saying things on breath of mist a left one … English in for yearn I now intimacy an names, their palos fit the standard narrative or needs words as I know them, not as they’re often often as they’re not them, as I know words needs or narrative standard the fit what’s because it’s English and Spanish blend I poetry, my of much In prescribed. an as primarily Spanish I Though learned effectively. the poemneeded work to for Spanish knew in I first sentiments and words are there in Madrid, while living adult just really are Some in English. me for resonance the same have which don’t and the only these are me, for But then forgotten. and learned once vocabulary words just than more something means “sol” Alvarez, for as sense. Just make that words theythan seem. more are us usedaround daily words and the even names “sun,” Union Memorial University’s State Arizona at Room the Ventana into go can’t I the southeast think about or (windows) ventanas of the lack at wondering without rincon the name at laughing without Room Rincon corner’s using bullfight, a poems, describe I my watching the experience of of one In terminology like bullfighting common is a world of words with clear, discernible meanings. discernible clear, with words of a world is (star bullfighter), banderilleros bullfighter), (star More languages mean more ways of describing and more possibilities, but, as Alvarez Alvarez as but, possibilities, more and describing of ways more mean languages More clarity less even offering confusion, create those sometimes possibilities suggests, before: than definitions not readily translatable or available in English. Including such words only only words such Including in English. available or readily translatable not definitions also sometimes it’s necessary the poem. sometimes is Yet, for in Spanish available foreign or hyper-specificity with readers my isolating I risk since dangerous difficult. is Deciding between languages two Working concepts. and terminologies be can tricky. language a foreign incorporate to when/how use and to which words is want I thing last The genuine. feel be deliberate, always needs to Spanish use of My superfluously. or superficially Spanish include to and in it wants Spanish, in it has She knowing. the of intimacy want to right is Alvarez \\\ 50 \\\ | REFLECTIONS ON POETRY :: Ernesto L. Abeytia Spanish and English to offer parts the of that myself can’t be shared monolingually. in my writing across languages. both Itowant work my with and against poetry Ifeelbecause disconnected. Iwant intimacy Alvarez the of, speaks and Iwant it conflict self.of I’m reclaimingthe Spanish side of my identitythrough writingmy “other,” didn’t want that for themselves or for children. their The result,though, is a own inEnglish, their knew fully difficulties with assimilation, saw how language can away from teaching me Spanish?saw They parents’their knowto the struggles world English. Perhaps is this what my parents to protect tried me from turned they when Extremadura and emotions the that resonate from living there: opens which andpoem comprises roughly It book. the half by begins describing life inSpain foreigner as both and native.title The piece, “Extremadura,” is along language. Her weave poems together hope and despair, embroidering stories of bordering Portugal. Extremadura writing inExtremadura, an autonomous community far inthe west of Spain and Ann Sittler’sLee Extremadura collection solelycollection about Spain. that hasSpain Spanish or influences. poetry AnneLee Sittler is with one a poet such Spain’sBecause lived. Madrid, for me, was an enchantment— encanta!me spent five years, whereor Phoenix, grew I up, evenor New York,where my father While there, Iemerged myself city inthe life that Tucson, unlike was so where I I returned for graduate school, attending Saint Louis University’s Madrid campus. of Segovia, and Monastery the enamored so I became Escorial. in El with Spain that trip, this During Ivisited capital the city of Madrid, Greco’s El Toledo, aqueduct the I firstvisited Spain in2008, just after graduating from The University Arizona. of back to visit many since. times there, in Madrid, especially where I lived and studied for two years, and have gone pulls me to write about my it. connections, Beside familial Isimply feel at home countries. There’ssomething people,abouttheair in the the that Spainfood, very to thoughts of Spain, my brief life there, and my travels across it and its neighboring When Ireflect on currentmy work whatand Ilike writeto about, Iinevitably drift As theTraveling Poet /Como el poeta viajero your mother—your You recognize, in its voice, duende continues to influence writing,my I’m about drawnpoetry to , Sittler’sseductive, first book, is withclever * takes its takes name from her living time and —literally, it enchants me! REFLECTIONS ON POETRY :: Ernesto L. Abeytia | /// 51 /// *

Como el poeta yo soy yo poeta el / Como I Am the Poet As something indistinguishable, lost and trapped Someone hills. two between you never met life, whole your known have and her meet you and once, at all land, foreign in a time first the for tongue, a non-native in away miles of thousands home. of incarnation last your from Ultimately, I want my writing to be the best expression of myself that it can possibly be. possibly can it that myself of be to the best writing expression my I want Ultimately, traveler, as son, as brother, as husband, as Spanish, as be American, as to me it I want In my own work, I find myself expressing similar sentiments of wanting to belong, to belong, of wanting similar sentiments myself expressing I find work, own my In land” “foreign as between balancing Spain I am while alien. Like still Sittler, feeling . extranjero as me marking sentiments mispronounced my home,” of “incarnation and help to Spain useas I own writing my to is oneself pertinent struggle This to know very of I know Basque little yet origin, of is surname My identity. own my inform is surname maternal My history in the traditions. Basque Country its or family’s my Toledo. capital, former the country’s and Spain central from Castilian,which comes own. my as much as their pasts trying uncover to theseI’m places, about write I As history has that how history and Spanish of in terms myself understand to I want me. shape to continues and shaped These opening lines speak of Extremadura in terms of an intimacy that goes beyond intimacy an that of terms in speak of opening lines Extremadura These a feeling, also about a place—it’s than more the poem about is Rather, landscape. memory the book in whose mother’s Sittler, For belonging. and home of a feeling who both is mother a surrogate represent to comes place the physical written, is miles of // thousands tongue, “in a non-native Sittler embracing foreign, yet familiar of rest the opening section informs This home.” of incarnation last [her] / from away for in Spain lived while having longing and belonging of themes its the collection and foreigner. a like stillyet feeling and in language, the being fluent years, \\\ 52 \\\ | REFLECTIONS ON POETRY :: Ernesto L. Abeytia at my best. great works produce as guides,I’ll work the Iwant to produce, work the that is me Iaspire.which Iknow that ifIcontinue to write with great work inmind and with sought and returned to. They representbestthe alsoof representus. They best the to andtwice move on from. They’re meantbe loved to and admired and continuously but,them, that’s Ithink, okay. Stories and aren’t poems meant read to once be or me, challenge me, and, ultimately, make me better. I don’t know do justice if I’ll to I want and poems novels and short stories Iconsume, and to everything to speak thatwith idea the works these help shape my writing, give me guidance, inspiration. as storyteller, as bilingual, as bicultural, and as multifaceted. what Ichoose Iread DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad | /// 53 ///

Abigail Licad Abigail filipina american poet american filipina on writing as a disabled on writing destroyed out of her the great voice: voice: great her the out of destroyed As the rapid-cycling, polyphonic thoughts in my head multiplied, I felt compelled compelled I felt head multiplied, in my thoughts polyphonic the rapid-cycling, As make and some purge to way a was It possible. as them down of many as write to Since mind. my in sprouting frantically kept that all new thoughts the other for room verse that I concluded revelations, of short be to nothing thoughts my I considered was I bad. quite were wrote I “poems” The them. for expression fitting the only was the capacity have I did not Wordsworth. or Blake like visionary genius Romantic no severely a of ramblings clamorous were All produced I way. disciplined in any edit to To any “normal” mind, my thoughts followed no logic. But to me, my thoughts thoughts my me, to logic. no But followed thoughts my mind, “normal” any To of fallen short have lunacy may of brand grandiose truths. My into aggregated I thought minds. read I could believed I that but voices, hearing or hallucinations friends. I believed and they members all family of the motivations decipher I could from love—not feel to unable was I me. against conspiracy hateful a all plotting were myself. for not especially, and others, for not others, I’ve failed at all my attempts through poetry or prose to adequately describe my describe my poetry through adequately to prose or attempts all my failed at I’ve metaphors intricate and most thoughtful the Even mania. of experiences firsthand of a full-blown in center the I was right when is that say I The can best inadequate. are my I pleaded for Mostly, end. to all the excessiveness wanted I just attack, hypomanic physically me left and row a in nights for awake me kept They stop. to thoughts racing exhausted. Around the time of my most acute manic episode that led me to swallow a bottle of of a bottle swallow led to me episode that manic acute most my the time of Around passed, I still can’t a decade now has Although poetry. write I started to pills, sleeping I’ve notebooks. old my fills that scrawl the desperate through read to myself bring attack: anxiety an of the begin symptoms feel to time each I would tried but twice, the that fear overwhelming palms, an sweaty thoughts, racing breathing, troubled in. will do me to be the one attack oncoming \\\ 54 \\\ | DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad keeping me from ultimate seeking and silence final reprieve. my me existence to led I asserted choose Poetry over will. nothingness, thereby internal noises that were wearing me out. In choosing to immerse myself inpoetry, gave me away to least, poetry Or at cope. It very the gave me away to the redirect all me. saved or depressed inreaction. Ihung onto word every for dear life. In way, this poetry able to access its core emotions, to intensely feel so them that my grewelated moods tosynthesize ofform apoem aspects aholistic interpretation, but somehow, Ifelt stimulated brain to derive endless layers of meaning. Imay not have able been to amusicalobservation, phrase—was catalyst enough for my over-sensitized, over- understanding. Comprehending evenjust one­­ portion of apoem down. Ididn’t read for coherence across stanzas. Rather, Iread for just any While writing helped me exorcise helped me to thoughts, slow them reading poetry aiming, however feebly and desperately, at truths. deeper crippled, disjointed mind. Still, Ithought unit, of each one eachline as apoetic beliefs andbeliefs representations of mentally the women, ill: a being weaker mental and to agree with gendered the notions of sickness that continue to inform society’s than excusing my culpability, my “natural,” instability hereditary to me seemed “trigger” to my malady, Ihadsomehow to be genetically predisposed. But rather working hard so to disprove through my accomplishments. there was Because no insane woman proffered patriarchal,the by Eurocentriceducation that been I had I was no better, I thought, than and literary the psychoanalytic stereotypes of the and rage materialized through no fault of my own, Ihated myself for afailure. being understand from an abstract standpoint that debilitating the extremes of melancholia For along time, Iwrestled shame with deep over my diagnosis. Although Icould upon me suddenly, oftenwithout reason. currently on sixdifferentdaily medications, sometimesbut descend dark still moods effective medication and dosages rid me to largerof a part of cycling I my am moods. for most of time. the It would another take sixyears before adoctor found most the immediately put under antipsychotic powerful that drugs left me sleepy and lethargic but it mania was virulent,that cyclical the finally brought me to adoctor. Iwas of episodes depressionexperiencing undiagnosed perhaps as early school, as high yearsI was 28 with old IwasBipolar when finallydiagnosed IIDisorder. been I had Utterly Broken —an image, abrief shred of DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad | /// 55 /// However, the growing number of psychiatric studies on people of color may provide provide may color of people on studies psychiatric of number the growing However, of proportion higher the hypothesize that studies These a partial explanation. the to due is color of people diagnoses among manic-depressive and depression struggles. struggles Such class-related race- and by on brought stressors additional personal experiences confirm my Certainly, women. in the case of compounded are Convinced by others’ reproaches that I needed to “pull myself together”—for my my together”—for myself I needed “pull to that reproaches others’ by Convinced ailed forwhat causes for acceptable searched “all inthe mind”—I was affliction Rizal’s Jose in the frenzied Sisa Unlike crazy. going for reason “real” no had I me. who were dead her sons of calling the the names streets roaming Tangere Me Noli Lady who kills Macbeth herself Shakespeare’s or colonizers, Spanish by murdered any from suffered not I have a murder, orchestrating from guilt unbearable to due tragedy. other any or rape, or war by caused trauma Despite my awareness of the social construction of my ailment, the stigmatization of of the stigmatization ailment, the social my of of construction awareness my Despite as mind in my prevailed phenomenon contagious and deviant sort of some as mania the expelled from felt I opinions. ignorant of the lens through startedI seeing myself freakish, deformed, I felt desirability. and beauty female of expectations patriarchal “the of end in a spectrum I existed the opposite at damaged. and inferior, inherently now?” I me love “Who will self-flagellation. to psychic led These thoughts ideal.” a of full, trappings conventional the attaining of chances My myself. asked often thoroughly happiness—felt stability, economic children, successful life—marriage, disorder. my by me leveled upon impossibilities the many I mourned quashed. It’s enough for now to say that the cultural and intellectual inheritance of these of inheritance intellectual and the cultural that say to now for enough It’s conclusions. form and me “read” to people for a shortcut provides constructions erases the distinctiveness disruption or imbalance sign of any Because a woman, I am in the “madwomen the other all classify too among easy to me experiences. It’s my of illness, to my of speech symptomatic as and actions my all of pathologize to attic,” myself. I choose represent to in how agency erase my Since my focus in this essay is to trace the relationship between my personal need between my trace the to relationship is focus in thisessay my Since overview Western a historical of into poetry dive write to illness, I need not my and still that notions misogynistic, The madness. and patriarchal mania on discourses as women view of Aristotle’s illness today—from mental of the lexicon inform to “neuroses” of attribution Freud’s to Animals of in Generation “monstrosities” this—exceed essay. the scope of of Dreams Interpretation in The women physical embodiment compared to men, were far more susceptible to hysteria and and hysteria to susceptible more far were men, to compared embodiment physical sex. expectedthe weakness my of overcome I failed to words, other In derangement. \\\ 56 \\\ | DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad when youwhen grew up poor? impractical vocation as awriter that risked material comfort, especially you have choice the to more?” earn In other words, why a “frivolous,” choose rhetorical of immigrant questions: “Why to less earn choose money when andalien evenselfish to me as an immigrant. so contraryIt was the to most resisted definition the of happinessbecause self-fulfillment seemed as it entirely less than Despite achieving best. the my all therapists’ encouragement, I fear of failing at my ambitions “failing” when for me, at time, the meant anything My mostly white psychotherapists found it difficult to understand myextreme status.social to impose upon Idecided in America, myself responsibility the of raising my family’s originated first and foremostwithin myself. Fromthe moment I stepped theoff plane diluted forms of pressure from immigrant their parents, ambition the that drove me immigrant. Unlike second-generation Asian Americans perhaps who inherit more in an unforgiving drive to succeed, was exacerbated by afirst-generation being I may wrong, be but at it times to seems me that pressure the Ifelt, manifested which system that immigrants devalued of color. resign themselves jobopportunities to debased offered by an Americancapitalistic DespiteAmerica. college their degrees and strong work my ethic, parents had to redeem from them diminished their status of as part a“silent” immigrant class in would not only demonstrate gratitude for my parents’ but sacrifices, wouldalso heavily upon me. Economic and respect success, admiration and social the it brings, world poverty firsthand,the pressurebecome to an immigrant success weighed story Ihad grownBecause up Philippines inthe until with third- Iwas 13 and struggled entrance working exam while at as aparalegal atop Silicon Valley law firm. my burgeoning and interests writing, I prepared in poetry to law the take school expectationsthe of minoritymodel the myth dictate my goals. thanRather pursue that my didnot calling conform true to conventional definitions of success, Ilet American culture. Uncertain over my values was, and or Itruly perhaps who afraid practice of female genital cutting. My life was influxto tried as I reintegrate into as avolunteer for organization ahealth that educated communities rural against the an MPhilinliterature from Oxford University, and one where Iworked inSenegal Francisco Bay Area afterthree years abroad—two inEnglandwhere graduated I with next step toward achieving minority model status. Ihad just returned to San the At height the of my most manic episode, Iwas midst inthe of deciding on my myth as an Asian American might have to deterioration led the of my health. hypothesis.this In my intense the case, pressure to live up to “model the minority”

DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad | /// 57 /// The WoundedShall Groan The The culture of illness in our society worships the “cure” as its god, which equates to god, its equates which as “cure” the our societyof in worships illness The culture seen is as disability result, a As disability. illnessand chronic accept to inability an Many inhabit. to states of seen intolerable is the most as It life. ruining a person’s “disabled” refuseto as self-identify disorder bipolar or depression from who suffer Because conspicuous physical “markers” of disability like wheelchairs or hearing hearing or wheelchairs like disability of “markers” physical Because conspicuous handled often are illness,we mental with those who live by employed not are aids illness, as chronic my still deny parents my this day, To disbelief. and suspicion with episode manic my last refuseto They believe that it. banish so would doing though just me visiting While inherited. I’ve that condition a permanent of symptomatic is seeing medicine upon confusion surprise and expressed mother my ago, days a few asked. she yet, I cured wasn’t nightstand—why my on bottles Despite the efforts of my mother’s family to guard their tragic stories in secrecy, as in secrecy, stories their tragic to guard family mother’s my of the efforts Despite in his alone himself who shot uncle an about cousins whispers from I heard a child elder an overdose, a drug after be to had pumped whose stomach aunt an room, It head. in his voices to violently reacting for be to who had institutionalized cousin in ran and schizophrenia depression own diagnosis that my after me to became clear secrecy. in shameful been had shrouded knowledge angry such that blood. I felt my have likely I would family, illness in my mental this history of of I been informed Had futile it however And, sooner. been treated and diagnosed and sooner, help sought than rather in life, success more achieved have I might suppose, to me be of may been had presented that opportunities golden the many wasting for myself blaming to me. No friend or family member has ever asked me directly what it’s like to have bipolar bipolar have to like it’s what directly me ever asked has member friend family or No look, curious a with met am I someone, illnessto revealed my Each timeI’ve disorder. a silence, but sympathy, quiet or understanding the silence of Not then, silence. and the confession elide to topics, switch to their desire In refusal. of me, seems to it quickly and happened has significant nothing that occurred, pretend to just had that rather they would Perhaps I sense their discomfort. conversation, normal resume questions ask they don’t Or perhaps unbearable. the is intimacy perhaps know, not media populate mainstream from clichés and stereotypes because sensationalized them. scares it illness, and mental about know already to their silence—they presume As I failed to reach the ambitions that would gain me acceptance into the dominant the dominant into acceptance me gain would that the ambitions reach I failed to As between cycle the to rapidly I began breakdown. nervous first I experiencedclass, my mania. uncontrollable acute, most and depression darkest \\\ 58 \\\ | DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad poetry book review blog review book poetry after I started feeling more coherentfrom medication, I stumbled upon Eileen Tabios’ into submerged Ihad which been and reading Filipino American authors. Shortly conscious decision. slowly, Istarted first by venturing out white,the of canon literary For began even before me, through it starting to writing speak was and a poetry own declaration of it –unapologetically and without shame. I must comfortable be not only with others’ of discovery my but illness with my also to live honestly, with integrity, and in my believe own self-love and acceptance, then to feel moreI am trying comfortable with no longer inshame. hiding truth the If Iam label ofthe adisabled being Filipina American woman writer, Slowly, is act. apolitical out” narrative, that Ihave bipolar disorder. For me, claiming my mental and illness important for me to affirm here, publicly and the for first time, in my own “coming- Thewidespread inability to accept and accommodate disability makesthe moreall it disability is astate thateach defines someof us in way, eventuallyat least in old age. disabilities ifonly we, as asociety, would stop “abled” the idealizing and accept that progress and mechanisms legal put could be inplace for accommodating with those to accepting defeat and owning of asort inferiority. fail They thatto realize more in an effort to empowerthemselves, though as acceptingthe label akin be would similar to my own, yet I have to find still mentorsthe in form of authors also who I may have at last found forebears of immigrant speak who and experiences racial When Her Waves Great Waters Roar Like Do validation that would me to lead find a voice whichwith to speak. at swingsfrantic beginning mood lastthe to settle,moment finallyexperiencing of updesk, on drugged acocktail of downers and magic the pill that is Abilify, my and validating moment.” And indeed,there Iwas, hunched over on book my the that “When one himself/herself work inarespected sees of literature, it is apowerful presented akey revelation—the first of many to come. At point,one Carbó observes that shared same inthe and as history my experiences own. The introductionalone ofexperiences my self-education—here finally was proof inheritanceof aliterary atop aparcel wrapped inan American flag. It was for me one the of mostjoyous proudly book, the showing front himthe illustration of ayoung brown man sitting daythe Ireceived my copy review mail. inthe Iremember to running my father with American essays and edited by poems Nick Carbó. details from vividly recall Ican still For my firstbook review, Poetics I Pinoy chose she reviews received, Iwas able to musterpoetry courage the to submit. Galatea Resurrects Galatea . Since Tabios published nearly of all the , the anthology, the of Filipino and Filipino DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad | /// 59 /// as if the illness experienceas of — However, my sense of an absent happy ending in my life story thus far has, I believe, believe, I has, far story thus life my in ending happy absent an sense of my However, poetry this point, been has a vehicle At process. my writing to be to a benefit proven be to an myself I consider memory. or hunch, thought, a feeling, out parse to me for the meditative. beyond seem reach to poems don’t poet my of because most “aspiring” for language, with experimentation use or in my versatility acquire to yet I have has been of color woman as a disabled being self-identified I suspect that instance. to continue must I I find that writing. in my resolution at arrive to inability my to key thein social cultural and complicit become elseI or explore, and out, parse unpack, begin health to poor Always with. mental for risk a greater at me place that structures Although I am surviving and living a relatively “healthy” life, I feel that, unlike these that, I feel life, “healthy” a relatively surviving living I am and Although conclusions, triumphant successful and glamorously at arrived who have memoirists sweep to blood, threatening in my simmering constantly is imbalance incipient an notice. moment’s a random episodes at depressive or manic full-blown into away me just and job, my losing from away small step one only I am that aware always I am threat, ever-present an as illnesslooms My poverty. from away paycheck lost one everything I have. take away to waiting could somehow be measured hierarchically. hierarchically. be measured somehow could Despite suffering the maniacal ravages of bipolar symptoms and suicide attempts attempts suicide and symptoms bipolar of maniacal ravages the suffering Despite eventually to managed have read I’ve the all writers mine, of than worse much after guilt much I used feel to professors. or lawyers, doctors, jobs as succeed in elite than myself of “more” make to I been able haven’t these memoirs—why reading did occur it to hand, On the one bills. my paid that the menial work admin-heavy well- to access them better permitted privilege of positions these women’s that me whereas healthcare, expensive more and networks support stronger and connected leisure to let alone treatment, proper to access less has color of woman the average my that consideration I also into took hand, On the other a memoir. writing time for theirs as debilitating or extreme as not illness was own In the bipolar memoirs I have read, a consistent storyline prevails. The speaker The traces storyline prevails. a consistent read, I have memoirs the bipolar In hallucinations, (involving mania extreme to “normalcy” trajectory from life’s her frightful a sudden, to etc.), sprees, shopping sex and judgment, distorted dangerously my healing.to Although then finally, and depression, the darkest into descent ending.” “happy a of lack in its story diverges own my been similar, experiences have identify as disabled writers. The recent emergence of the bipolar memoir as a genre genre a as memoir bipolar of the emergence recent The writers. disabled identifyas overwhelming an illness, but mental who explore writers exposedhas many to me efforts, vigilant my Despite women. white upper-class middle- to them are of number the experiences about who writes American Asian or a Filipino discover to yet I have life. a manic-depressive of \\\ 60 \\\ | DESTROYED OUT OF HER :: Abigail Licad Because the Spoiler Is theSpoiler on Come HerBecause notionsand loop infurther of otherness, diaspora, history, and postcolonial. the in my my poems meditations circle through triple the axes of race, class, and gender, consoled—perhaps grateful. evenbe Iwill Perhapsmy as apoet. calling true feel an Iwill intime even greater feeling than being atwill least feel consoled by that fact the my is illness what me to led finallydiscover freedom, but not hopefully at cost the of ignorant persecutions. Whatever comes, I nonetheless.experience If I did submit, I told myself I would likely realize a new didn’t, it energy took the then to write psychic it and useful would be emotional still As Iwrote essay, this Ididnot know Iwould whether submit it at end. the If I I’m not acoward. response prepared: It’s not my fault. It’s not your fault, either. But it your is fault that me about breaking themselves they silence the have practiced, Ialready have my fearful, suspicious, dismissive opinion upon me. levied Should my parents confront reflects somethemupon in way. That they are always hostile,implicated in every revelationthe Iam now making to world. the mightthatbelieve They illness my Perhaps my onlythe unselfishis shame thatworry my family mightfrom feel mightwhispers spread. The judgments might rain. than challenge themselves to understand, let alone read essay this in its entirety. The mightally me reject upon cursorily of discovery their my bipolar disorder rather to knowledge about my Apotential illness. partner, friend, employer, mentor, or Foremost among my worries are opportunities the that to might denied me due be about to go into battle would have in facing attackers. external attack emanating from chemical imbalances within, but kind of the anxiety a soldier right now causes me kind of a new anxiety. Not anxiety the of an oncoming panic public to strangers reactions whose are out fully of my control as Iam doing here my bipolar disorder and to friends relatives one by one, makingknowledge the made infinally “owning” illness my theand courage it takenhas me to slowly reveal It has me taken months to write essay. this Despite considerable the progress Ihave DESPERATE & BEAUTIFUL NOISE :: Tim Seibles | /// 61 /// —Jimi Hendrix —Jimi Tim Seibles Tim desperate & beautiful noise beautiful & desperate Might even raise a little sand. a little raise even Might a mountain to next up I stand …Well, hand my of edge the with down it chop to think R&B and dream of Motown. of dream think to R&B and island an make and pieces the all up I pick Well, Of course, there are those who have said (and will say) that it was this rough crucible crucible this was rough it will that (and say) said those who have are there Of course, people of the millions to point only I can fertilized potential. his him, that made that misery- often and their general about ask and privation such raised with born and whichfind I painfully “genius,” word the catchall Others willout ladensilence. toss high octane a kind of fuel for genius consider unless we explanation, an as empty effort. manic Surely, the sociopolitical circumstances of the time were heavily fortified against him: against fortified heavily the time were of the sociopolitical circumstances Surely, a guitar, on money” spend “good to reluctance father’s his death, early mother’s his Black musicians. white of the dominion entirely almost was itself music rock and supposed were people James Marshall Hendrix, born in 1943, grew up in Seattle. According to his aunt, he he aunt, his to According in Seattle. grew up born in 1943, Hendrix, Marshall James Who man.” old a little thinking like alone, “sitting often and odd shy an child, was in gaps cover to used who sometimes cardboard this boy, inside then, that knew, electric the way change would that the seed shoes, a voice resided his the of soles of him take made What forever. perhaps time—and a long for be played would guitar noise? beautiful and desperate his with world the given on As I enter what must be the last third of my life and realize I’ve given half my waking half my given I’ve realize and life my of be third the last must what enter I As god guitar Hendrix—that Jimi think about but help poems, writing I can’t to hours so rarely, not and, a day 12-14hours practiceobsessively to Sixties—known The of tryus bend of the to silence, so hard do any Why do it? did he Why eat. to forgetting a listen? of worthy a voice fashion to \\\ 62 \\\ | DESPERATE & BEAUTIFUL NOISE :: Tim Seibles food forfood emotionally chargedseems reflection,which clearly false. unless we are to that believe what is expressed through harmony and melody is not Though words have definitions specific and musical notes doboth do not, time, relationship the instrumental utterance between and poetic becomes evident. of lines, rhythm, rhyme, tone, and way the music both and verse move through and descending inflections, assonance and consonance,the turning (or phrasing) but syntax imply does a kind of linguistic melody—and we when consider ascending At firstglance, the development of aguitarist’s voice may unrelatedseem poet’s, to a voice about that voice, that lacerating and tender attack on silence—and the makes this me think place like “Voodoo Chile”?) It me, strikes that no matter what he was after, I needed byam carried that sound to destinations unreachable by other means. (Is there any indecipherable atlook otherwise the subconscious life of aperson. Nonetheless, I his music aforay is both into cultural the discourse and an intimate but incomplete pretty sure it’s not ravaged by The ideas? bad “darksounds” Lorca’sof duende What do I hear that when guitar is playing? Love? Rage? A stand against a world LadylandElectric soul, though I’ve listening been to it since Iwas twelve, my when older brother put foundation the which of my faith in life was built. find his I still music central to my brought to light asound that made an indelible mark on eraduring Sixties, the the I am mystified both and inspired that the fact by in Hendrix, spite so of much, My soul, like some heat-maddened summer fly, Dark, dark my light, and darker my desire. All natural shapes blazing unnatural light. Death of the self in along tearless night, A man goes far to find out what is— he and in broad day the midnight come again! A night flowingwith birds, a ragged moon, correspondences! of storm steady A windingOr path? The edgeis what I have. That place among the rocks—is it a cave, My shadow pinned against asweating wall. I know the purity of pure despair, At odds with circumstance? The day’s on fire! …What’s madness but nobility of soul in all its inall forms. on our mom’s old record player and turned it up. exactly whatexactly he heard. hard-earned all Like expression, artistic ? Whatever Ihear, I’m mean— DESPERATE & BEAUTIFUL NOISE :: Tim Seibles | /// 63 /// about life. (“Hendrix (“Hendrix life. about to be said. (I love you: now now you: love be (I to said. is a crucible from which ideas, actions, which ideas, actions, from a crucible is culture for a community’s voice. And, though one might might one though And, voice. community’s a for we share the entire spectrum of emotion. (Black grief (Black spectrum emotion. the entire of share we stand-in .) to the full extent that language allows. Stephen Dunn calls this Stephen allows. language that the full to extent Keeps buzzing at the sill. Which I is I? Which sill. the at buzzing Keeps fear. my of out I climb man, A fallen mind the God and itself enters mind The wind. tearing the in is free One, one and Time” A Dark “In Roethke, – Theodore from In the broadest sense, a time, a place, a a place, sense, a time, the broadest In We often think of “crossover” artists as musicians but, of course, there are crossover crossover are there of course, but, musicians artistsas “crossover” of think often We wide understandings—that perspectives, sensations—felt poets who capture well as come Neruda, Pablo and Amiri Baraka, Ai, Jordan, June embrace. people varieties of mind. to readily When we think about voice, generally, we think of an individual speaking (writing) individual an think we of generally, voice, thinkwe about When a voice that considering worth is it mind—but heart, her position—his a single from or be can representative nations.) many from and colors in many came Freaks” What we want from the guitar, the piano, the sax, the cello is similar to what we crave crave we the what sax, to similar the cello is the piano, the guitar, from want we What in submerged are we lives, daily our In in a poem—which vocal solo. a kind of is who partlyor themselves whoexpress faces: people stolid by surrounded half-light, is said is that much in intimacy, Even mislead. to calculated precisely use language supposed is what a sense of obligation, in a sense of rooted and White grief overlap quite a bit, I think—as do gay and straight glee.) This is why is glee.) This why straight and I think—as do gay a bit, quite grief overlap White and Chapman Tracy of the music to connection a passionate feel might Latina a straight might Philadelphia part of in a gang-ridden kid who up grew a Black why and poems. Roethke’s Theodore who loves adult an become rightly think of community in narrow terms—race, gender, class, or sexual or identity— class, gender, terms—race, narrow in community think rightly of many of members include to boundaries such also across cuts community the idea of a particular feeling a sensibility, share who groups different been hearthave will likely my example, for singer, a black I am If emerge. voices and reach people may I sing what but my experience, specificto circumstances by forged because backgrounds many of or back… it else say you good poetry: about love we exactly is what good music the absence about love we What to enlighten, to enliven, to honesty: intended every of the presence word trickery, of carry sayable is what disguised horseshit the barely to be antidote to an believes it and speech” “crucial \\\ 64 \\\ | DESPERATE & BEAUTIFUL NOISE :: Tim Seibles so farso as to say that cynicism thereI believe is aprofound hunger and pervasive for such authenticity. Iwould go essentialthe thing. word, note silence,the every every Sexton. In presence the of such work, Iam convinced sounds, that everything—the that has me reading and re-reading Hayden, Robert Lucille Clifton,Basho, Anne What brings me back to music the of Jimi Hendrix again and again is same the thing they’rewhether bigger selling burgers or casting news. the that from spews mouths the of many politicians, preachers, heads— talking and TV frankness, attentivenessfrankness, to what is felt, asharp turn toward knowledge the that of all more readily with fundamental the imperatives of human association: emotional in many offering cases, acorrective—a different sense things that of correlates It back to world this to talk me strikes that lives spendtheir are, who those trying by-product of cynicism. through fascist intimidation upon of is based atype projected self-loathing, another religious or secular—that perceive human life as a problem to transcend wants to wait afterlife the till forfulfillment. Theprevailing interestideologies— in makes evident failings that tragic the of have societies the developed. Nobody world to we which are That born. treading such anguish is acommon state of mind Nobody, is who sane, wants to live without faith inother people, without faith inthe Black Lives Matter come to be.) makeswhich genuine community first the casualty. (This is why movementslike contempt. This makes empathy impossible.Compassion seems naïve, impractical— of hearts the our fellow citizens incontempt. Some may evenhold own their in hearts suspicion that most human action has its roots indeceit. Too often, secretlywe hold – Cesar Vallejo,– Cesar from “Black Stone Lying on aWhite Stone” With all the road ahead of me, alone… wrong, and never much so astoday have Ifound myself, these lines, Ihave put my upper arm bones on It be will aThursday because today, Thursday, setting down perhaps on aThursday as todayis Thursday, in autumn. dieI will in Paris—and Idon’t step aside— on some day Ican already remember. dieI will in Paris, on arainy day, , akindof cancer of spirit, the with nagging the begins —is there for of communicating purpose sole the or or really fix

DESPERATE & BEAUTIFUL NOISE :: Tim Seibles | /// 65 /// , here , here , the will to ignore or or , the will ignore to authentic, a way to break through through break to a way authentic, what we feel. We live against the grain of of the grain against live We feel. we what . in our bones? in our living. Either our actions significantly reflect our felt sense of sense felt reflect our significantly actions our Either living. who invents a new way to engage the world we share. Perhaps the critical Perhaps share. we the world engage to a new way who invents morning of heat the to i wake when …but life my of highway the down galloping me rises in hopeful something road the into out me runs rises and high thigh fierce my lob i and honey and day the of rump the over i ride i ride Riding” “Hag from Clifton, – Lucille in spite of lives our perform we or things There is no neutral is There hide what is felt, such a celebrated feature of masculinity (and adulthood in general)? masculinity (and of feature a celebrated such felt, is hide what depression, frustration, chronic for a formula core, its at is, authenticity—which our The epidemic? behind the opioid (What’s madness. complete and violence perhaps of Trumpism the riseof the police?—and militarization The guns? of fetishizing I believe that it is this urge, this hunger to put into words what seems to have been have seems to what words into put to this hunger this is urge, it I believe that compulsion my drive to continues that silenced, intentionally missed or or forgotten principal energizing bethe might This it down. write and mean I what out figure to for anyone or poets or (painters they guitarists love—be we the artists learn from we thing means that restlessness that guts, our inside itch that value trust to and dancers)—is said get to got has know we something us are equally lonely, equally vulnerable to the damage that cruelty and greed inflict. and cruelty that the damage to equally vulnerable equally lonely, are us is in to all that affront an but authenticity is What humane most its In so loud? playing start Sixties the of bands so many did Why inside hear we what that begins realize when we say to urge thefundamental forms, found a person If in the society belong. which we to true no has correlative ourselves need to be little would there world inner her with in harmony the external world to effort in an voice a distinct shaping of task lonely terribly and begin the arduous sway. the heart held to contrary or something a void assert previously truth a where all that is at odds with what we know we odds what with at is all that the takes seriously that expression human of form solo: any A poem, a guitar a song, the surrounding that the exact to extent the heart subversive is opening of project is partly This emotions. our of complexity abiding denies the primacy and culture ourschools in often scarce artsis funding why “weird,” viewedas often are artists why toughness is Why football. for money always seems there’s it but the globe?) around and \\\ 66 \\\ | MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino hablando poruntuboysietellavesor hablando sometimes writingaboutitfeelsthat way my lifeisnot astereotype though with never label it: enough. Some wasteful, will annoying, and repetitive. You must Talking until someone finally listens.with writing. Replacetalking Replace too much muchtoo and at all once. Talking and until you talking say finally what you mean. even ifit is coming out from various spigots and faucets at all same the time. Talking of nothing. It is supposed an to be insult, but it means from talking one source true wordythe ones like who to tell out truths much too loud, talk who and about alot hablaEsa por untubo ysiete llaves as my grandmother likes to say insulting when to hit One arrowand truth. the keep trying at bull’s atime. Each eyeamoving target. to over look my shoulder and wonder is who watching and what might they think, bull’s eyeof my own vision, work against compelling, the sometimes irresistible, desire feelstruth like along list of stereotypes no matter way which we turn. Istare at the withouttell truth the stereotypes enacting long against used us, but sometimes our For many so of us that target we are aiming for is tiny the spacewhere we manage to arrows. One by one. net through river. the You keep pulling on tension the of your bow and releasing know suicide, addiction and self-annihilation. But you do, you so keep pulling your you must. Your on depend really it.who does Those argue survival it doesn’t don’t thatunleash arrow, not for your readers, though you hope, but for yourself because it down and figure it out,with precision; you must learn how to controlbowthe and whatever corner of world the you have out carved for writing, and you to need stare andtask The needs. of untangling hasbe like a placed to bull’seyetarget just above ifthat of done, can survival, evenbe poetics is tango atangled of competing wants waterdrinking clean, it becomes increasingly more difficult to do. Moving past the placethe you go, and thing the you do, to drag net the through river the to keep your lifetimes, and yet, sometimes, you when are it writing because to has survive become untangling you story the to need tell from one the people want to hear is work the of me, writingOye when from conditions and communities that feel under siege, Aquino Coss Melissa MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino | /// 67 /// Llave #1 since the 1950’s when there was declared a literal situation referred to to referred situation a literal declared was when there the 1950’s since NY Times This statistical information makes for controversial subject matter everywhere I go. everywherego. I matter subject controversial for makes information statistical This as “the Puerto Rican Problem” because we had arrived in huge numbers (some years years (some numbers in huge arrived had because we Puerto Problem” Rican “the as but for, asked never we citizenship American with arrived we time)and a at 40,000 in Spanish wrapped tongues with arrived We vote. to register use to began to quickly posed our We us. of out it beat to hard worked jobs that and schools into love and and black on set a country clearly so for being racially unfit by “problem” biggest beige, and brown white, in every black, arrive to of shade the audacity had we white; have must arrival our that forget People the fifties. was It commingled. marriedand true all to come those trying securenightmare a like to the American looked and felt but fit in the refusal to Here, accordingly. treated were We freedom. such from future and read, are which we through survive, born a poetics is to discontent of longing the from dysfunctions the entrenched of one pick Did you ourselves. read then must be can applied not, are several that and listed, the ones of one Any above? list limited too),but there plenty is there (though family extended by not and life, my to directly and which I belong, to people of group a tiny of circle concentric in the tight right complications. without not though deeply who I love and I emerged, whom from Pick, at random, almost any of the maddening statistics/stereotypes/half-truths/ the maddening of any almost random, at Pick, the Puertofrom Ricans my people, Bronx, The community, my lies about: blatant Poverty. raised in the Bronx. born and a Puerto woman Rican myself, or Bronx, Parental parents. Drug Drug dealing. Teen addiction. Alcoholism. Welfare. could diseases. We treatable and preventable for health outcomes Poor abandonment. don’t we in which on all ways the done studies of lots are There not. let’s but on, go of a sub-genre is It thrive. to fail we all the ways you tell to statistics of function. Lots the anoint it: required. If you are looking to find the thing you are actually trying to say, actually tryingare to say, you find the thing to looking are you If required. it: anoint clearest and water clean spilling the one hit you all until open better those faucets you words unlike water, that learning, been has about life the writing arrival at truth. My been especially conservation, denied when careful free they have our require don’t read and it. Teach Bear witness it. Do Open faucets. the centuries. for free flow, range, we willprizes, though alsoor do winning that. selling books about only not is This it. by roomful stream, by stream lives our creative of waters the cleaning about is This the seven examine to chosen I have hundred. two or two of in communities roomful, in llaves the word but truth spills, sometimes which my through the faucets llaves, that Remember castle. in Bluebeard’s rooms the to keys like keys, also means Spanish also is the using, from forbidden expressly you’re blood, with that marked the one door. that open and face reality to the courage have if you life your will save that one \\\ 68 \\\ | MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino ourselves? other? Each us better. Hate us less? But how would we sound if we were to know only trying it, and tell it how to flow whereand thatto so go others mightknow better, us like is constantly crashing like water up against to hold it adamn trying back, re-route built upon to poetics, to Our heal. prove arock of trying trying been our worthiness, without pissing someone off a new wound wherecarving or an old wound had just Ay mija esa’ hablan. no se cosa Porbecome Dios.Thethinghas can’t a I story tell happened to us, what happening is still to us? How we make will that magic realized? quality of light can our we to use scrutinize lives, ifwe can’t say out loud what really space with me one second before we move on. What magic can we pursue, and what This essay is required reading in my Intro to Creative Writing course. Staythat in light that we form by ideas those we which pursue our magic and make it realized.” upon changes the wewhich hope to bring about through lives. those It is within this our wewhich scrutinize lives has upon direct bearing product the we which live, and Lorde, wrote essay inher magical “Poetry is Not ALuxury,” quality “The of light by is notArt public relations. As one of my intellectual and spiritual mothers, Audre pride and rest hidethe inshame. Except that is not astory. That is public relations. ofstory hard work and achievement always linked. being Iam supposed to tell it with are.” Iam supposed to tell it as some kind of “pull yourself up by bootstraps” the official version I am use to to supposed everyone tell “we are likenot think we you laid grooves of past. the This is, all, afterthe way I am tothesupposed tell story. The like our lives, exists at across current of possibilities and futures indeeply embedded in addition to Starbucks, Target and TJMaxx distance. within walking home, Our but there an is empty still lot on our block and acommunity center across street, the thatCollege is undergoing its own transformations from working class to gentrified, bought ahouse Bronx inthe inacomplicated Riverdale spacebetween and Lehman light. He is completing a PhD at cuny the alovingis also father and fierce and gentle warrior committed to justice, truth and and is embodiment the of American the Dream, interms of his achievements. He five years Dominicanto a manwho arrived twenty-twoat and spoke no English college, one arecent graduate of City College. Ihave happily been for married twenty- Rican Studies. of my Both sons are beautiful creative spirits and men. One in good Graduate Center. Ijust my signed first contractbook Centerwith The for Puerto mfa it told. Iam an Assistant Professor of English at Bronx Community College. Ihave an let’sSo another story this begin way. Let’s to tell it way the try some people would like #2 Llave and am currently writing my dissertation for aPhD inEnglish from cuny the Graduate Center in Political We Science. MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino | /// 69 /// Llave #3 Yes, yes it is creative, and wonderful, and I am proud of every single instance of every of of instance single proud I am and wonderful, and creative, is it yes Yes, my speak or me to doesn’t it even if accomplishment intellectual and creative Latino/a Chimamanda group. any story a single is for believe there experience because I don’t Story”and even Single of a this in “The Danger captures brilliantly Adichie Ngozi couldn’t she women transgender around trap single-story a in mind herself found to how knowing, born not are we for allout, trying are figure to We escape. quite a people, represent to truth the responsibility with own our freely and speak bravely Except some of us are or were or might have been if not for the teacher, the guidance the guidance the teacher, for been if not have might or were or are us of some Except the abyss. and in between stepped you that the one the aunt, or the cousin counselor, another is It always make the to point. enough is This not. let’s but on, go could We could that in a world to accustomed I am that silencing of a kind imposing Latino/a never fails that but Problem”, “Puerto Rican or the the poor, Bronx, The about less care I consider in it ends someone years, because twenty-eight even after deeply, wound to even statistics, so to many resemblance uncanny my and life, my calling me, “safe” makes it because crap that talkabout “Don’t stereotype. of a them, defiance in my Lin or the Virgin need Jane really is we because what so over-done, it’s look bad, us creativity!” is that Now Hamilton! Look at Miranda. Manuel “ … and right away they want to make the college student someone struggling cut to someone student the college make to they want away right “ … and members.” all gang not are We the streets. on life ties his with “People who write about those things are just looking for attention and pity. Poor me me Poor pity. and attention for looking just those are things about who write “People stories.” “Wasn’t all that shit in the past. Look at you now. Write about that. That’s what we what That’s that. about Write now. you Lookin the past. at shit all that “Wasn’t promote to supposed if art is as slant relations the public (Note need be to promoting.” hold) heal and and allow and reveal to opposed as “Why is it that only books and movies about our criminality and poverty sell?” poverty and criminality our about movies books and only that it is “Why “Why do we (you) keep performing the same stereotypes white people have have people white stereotypes the same performing keep (you) do we “Why all these years?” for us perpetrated against “Oh great more work about Puerto Rican drug addicts, that is the last thing we need.” we thing the Puerto last drug is Rican addicts, that about work more great “Oh OK so let’s try again. As a writer, and an academic, I have been in rooms too numerous too numerous been in rooms academic, I have an and try a writer, As again. so let’s OK twenty- than more of (a span ago weeks a few to all undergrad the way from count to out: plays conversation thiskind of of version some where years) eight \\\ 70 \\\ | MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino yourself. that cannotwhich written. be Even if what I write doesn’t make you about feel good proof of status. Iamsay who exactly Iam, Iwrite who Iam, evenas Iam also identity”— a migrant’s path of crossing borders and languages without demanding of that truth must sustain, inimitable inthe Gloria Anzaldúa’s term, a“borderland correlated proof of about something special me. This is a challenge to create poetics a Did Not Die.” All The onecannot be held exclusive from the other, nor are a they family bound inlove, and we are, most of alive. us, still As June Jordan wrote, “We decimated by poverty and of all its complications and We illnesses. are a still also résumé, daughter the am still of two people ravaged by addiction,and drug afamily as apeople. And I,despite public the all relations worthy material inmy adult life somethingbecame to hide or ashamed be of or towho define used we are, or are not, had opportunity the to that evenlearn concept. That not does selves themake they my self, but best keenly I am aware also that not where everyone I come from has selves. She making clear is also that is this not of function the about Iam art. all only what feel has they not shown been that reflects our light, our qualities, best our Walker is writing about ways the some people long want degraded to art use show must honor its sacred We function. must help letart us.” is mirror, the perhaps only the one, collective face. we inwhich our We can true see donotwho mirrors. trust Not inany those, we inwhich case, ourselves appear…Art hurtbetrayal, so by misplacing belong trust…I their to a people, and heart mind, fromneed mirrors the Walker we seek. writes, “I belong to wounded apeople so by as a meditation tool for writers all of color to distinguish to begin mirrors the we was directed by Steven Spielberg. The preface is twoonly pages, but givenshouldbe Purple Color The First, book the when Difficult, to work through pain the of feeling utterly misunderstood by “her people.” communal its inall complexity TheSame book, inthe River Twice, Honoring the of letters, entries, articles, journal photographs and writing meant to capture the AmericanPurple. African community Color to The entirely dedicated to working through negative the response she received from the of how we tell we who are and we who love, and get burned, she still wrote in a book long on maligned, our Walker backs. Alice beautifully captured complex this space have never submitted it for publication were it not for her, and insome ways it was guidance of Emily Raboteau, I was in my while mfa program at City College. Iwould a tiny little “Una thing called Sinverguenza” inCallaloo diranQue gente. la habla. no se Ay Eso que verguenza. My first published essay was #4 Llave was released and again then movie the when Walker wrote/curated acollection , submitted under loving the MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino | /// 71 /// Llave #5 Water/truth spilling in and out from several directions is hardly the bull’s eye I have have I eye the bull’s hardly is several directions from out and in spilling Water/truth leading is distraction each condensed but essay, an write to when I setin mind out might You say. to is there what around writing keep to I have why unraveling to faster palabra’? tanta’ que Pa’ hablar? tanto que Pa’ the a poetics term coin obfuscation. of am, alsome I made who strong, me made that Bronx veryof the The streets same me not them and Why life. my of the core at the mystery is It parents. my destroyed all to the good according downfall that for in place markers so whenI had many Of course all of this is happening under a myriad of gazes. The white gaze. The The male gaze. gazes. The white of a myriad under this happening all is Of course of kaleidoscope a within operating are us of All respectability. and class of gaze The gaze. a very to difficult thing people” “a like a phrase make that identities intersectional of a deep is need for the communal, and community, Yet, see or clearly. hold or grasp quite never can you also that is the reality there writer a For survival safety. and way, in the same not least at from, come and love most you the people to belong belonged quite never because is you it them. Perhaps about start writing you once judging someone, iswhen wounding most The place. thein first write ever you that I have or face my or Spanish my or English my of based theallegedme “quality” on accuses experience of life me and be my possibly can’t decides that ideano what, en life of the phase entered I have us. about read to want people white what writing the for Except all. Almost. at not almost me to matters la Gente” Que Diran “Lo que they and Because mine theyare yours. because they are matter who always people matter. will always both horrifying and liberating to have it all out, all at once. All siete llaves pouring out out pouring All llaves siete once. all at all out, it have to liberating bothhorrifying and barely could you subterfuge and silence much buried in was it so the truth. Though me so deep into bred a shame of out crawling me of the sound was essay that it, hear the essay of point the whole wrong, me get Don’t it. knew who without I was I barely acting really were family my of sinverguenzas the “shameless” how out point to was their lives, our radically altered how imagine to impossible is all. us It save to out literally and being buried in shame not been by have would life mother’s my lives, when in reckless surprise, Latina/os, So my imagine de la verguenza.” “muriendonos “So asked, once Someone shaming. that recreate asides and statements careless and I responded, maturity furthermy in write?” to little A along how know all you that is left.” none Puerto drug Rican are addicts when there about writing stop to promise “I and man Puerto Rican forty-year-old a it was like that shamed I was time the first But two the only in the room, Puerto Ricans two the only were we and twenty-two I was tu sabes, ya Pero years. five for again write I didn’t and matter, that for color of writers in the tub. still can water pull you but in the kitchen, faucet one shut \\\ 72 \\\ | MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino It is aquestion that plagues me and me terrifies as sonsmy become men. digested, othersfully while through escape an eyeor an ear and live to tell story? the that price so blood others might go Why free? dosome of us live and beast inthe get studies about what happens to grow who kids up like me. How do some of us become long for pity, though compassion is always warmly received for we are walking the all story, our story, to perpetuate myths or stereotypes, and don’t I certainly or need isI hear not truth aluxury, and it comes all clear. Ihave no interest intelling my When Audre Lorde writes “Poetry is not aluxury,” Ihear is and not story aluxury #7 Llave well? Maybe we could invent of disruption. apoetics oftell story the me emerging through How them? can Ihelp my students as dothis oftell story the us, not of story the me versus How or them? them me surviving doI myself question: the How can illuminate I both and How fall grace? their their can I write and Iteach because creative writing at Bronx Community College, Ihave to ask crisis.Myhealth parents were never given that benefit the doubt.of because I Then, NYTs, looking for causes and reasons “these because were kids.” good It is apublic don’t know. The heroinnew white crisis in communitieseveryone, has includingthe and Park. Central Beach What bombtime went offthatthem in didn’t go off in me? I like Ilook Idance them, like three we love them, can all it otherwise? Orchard be me.”ruins look beneath shocked. They those are who seeds I theof Buried am. How First,that?” Isay “I don’t know” and Isay then but “I my suspect parents are just like awe meant acompliment, to be “Wow, but how can you how be you are coming from Unself-destruction. milagrito of choices good and behavior. good People ask in will knowI also it’s bullshit. Iam not some exceptional exception of to their rule the anywherebeen near acceptance. entire lives is my on edge. the Angry favorite one. second. aclose Ihave Denial never overof grieving and over again for near-death the all of experiences parents living No one to blame but themselves. I’ve there and been felt it. of All it. stages the All How we are norm the and are they exceptions. the Choices. Personal responsibility. awaylook and get on with proving how “we” good really are and how “they” bad are. I am, are. than they No one has paid more have than they for sins the of our longing to do I.You can’t possibly more be exhausted or frustrated or irritated by than story this You don’t want to hear about from addicts Bronx Ricanthe drug Puerto and neither #6 Llave MY LIFE IS NOT A STEREOTYPE :: Melissa Coss Aquino | /// 73 /// wounded with a story that needs to be respected and honored. I need to add our our I need add to honored. be needs to respected and a story with that wounded the to names give and lives scrutinize which I can our by light of story the quality to Puerto drug Rican addicts or about writing never am I be can thought. so it nameless, daughters and sons lost about writing always I am welfare. on drug people dealers or about best writing friends. I am and sisters and brothers and fathers and mothers and I think which is imperfectly, however by, been and loved loved most I have the people writing I am myself. about writing I am love. to how know us of any way the only were we how documenting first without it do cannot I but triumph, our imagine to be a poetics could thriving, if we I think, for of aim could, knees. We our to brought look. us make might there the path the way of afraid less \\\ 74 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel on reading, andshame But Brown then says: growing of and your bending to curve the forefinger as you use it to follow thistype. from under your pressed where palms you to body didnot find him,his expect you pageeven this book in the are holding—my father another father slipping up Brown’sLike speaker, am sick Itoo of so it, my father another awful father scarring “Again,”in his poem writes: practice ofthe reading, and it’s Idotoo: my longest safe relationship. Jericho Brown, I’m guessing anthology inthis else almost everyone has an intimate relationship with in reading: my public one and my private one. white mentors—because, like many writers of color, I’ve had two forms of education we are to ourselves and to others contours those because aren’t taught to us by our of itself, is akindof grappling that writers isto specific of color, how we define who have to learned live were with as ifthey my little brothers and sisters. This, in and shame into shame the Ialready know, have always known, different the shames I I’ve pushed into books my students’ hands.late This question entangles my present needhow to they know the conversation, what they’re writing into , or inmy office as I’ve front inthe stood of classrooms, aprofessor, extolling to younger writers of color voices over my development as awriter. It’s asource been of private shame for me as Black and than Asian Jewish American and voices Pacific inpoetry Islander American I’ve to understand why, trying been as aFilipinx I’d poet, found myself more drawn to Sasha Pimentel a bruising scratch. scarring this page too— another father awful their son keeping up. I’m sick so of it— even if hunched in retreat, and the shape of her body My father loves his wife ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel | /// 75 /// Teenage Mutant Mutant Teenage or Robotech

. The periods when my father was absent, my brother and I walked home walked I home and brother my absent, was my father . The periods when We walked back We door. open an through bundled I am again and clothes Kenny’s cousin in year school last from mother’s. my by held hand my us behind house the as if walk We enough warm isn’t dark the In feet. my for blocks a few make we neighborhood one-story the around I loved that written I’ve nothing though this. you tells In my own home, my brother and I were allowed one hour of television a day, which a day, television of hour one allowed I were and brother my home, own my In always choose,which was to got the elder as brother my earth the wet of into and above stepping mewled, hooves his a goat that, like just And one who me—the adult The slaughter. him for fasted family father’s the Ilocos my as bed as before these to raised me stories she me, told mother this because my knows and air our scenting VapoRub Vicks body, my rubbed streamed she the bruises that the from the clouds into groaning conditioning air American our brutality, quiet its Because the poemthis, like unfolded the was walked through back mother this and the door child open that know we pulled are we like that, just but triedwhichthey leave, to first had through door same homes. our they are if violent—because homes—even our to back Ninja Turtles every almost moved year—in Georgia—we Jersey, in Connecticut, school New from house where rented our to snow, with and boots whosedarkened tips jackets puffed mother, my woman, this considers crying. Sasha always was adult The mother my of (smelling whose mother father, who a gentle had parents, her by who loved was for cash hands her into press to in Sampaloc mother young my met fish) imported family’s her for but be oceanographer to an wanted who’d mother my tuition, her on father my met who’d mother my accounting, study to told was smallbusiness stood he night one then but him, hated had and Makati in job accounting first her curved darkening his body, framing lintel the steel exit, the door’s between and her the a taxi, luxury a taxi in Manila. of into her swept then he \\\ 76 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel In United the States, my father words confused like bitch forbed our daily whipping. I laid ourselves face down, hinged onto our bodies edge the of our parents’ marital to pick up scurried remnants the all of our play and our living. Then, my brother and But before my father came home, she her face, wiped pinched her cheeks back. We how we stopped her from brooking her freedom by of fact the our sweating bodies. told us with her hands flat glassthe on howbadly she’d wanted to die but we existed, flattheir pelvises softand Our faces. openlycried mother the dining at table then, house to tuck paper into itself as origami. Idismembered my Barbie dolls, grafittied When my father lived at home, we didn’t wrestle. We chose separate corners of the moaning mother. mother, my brother and I flushedwitheach other theand rhythm of our hidden spitting carpet the and punching eachother, but silently, as not so to bring out our wrestlingchild bodies quietly out our own angers, my brother and I encircled on door and quotidian sound the of as her afternoon crying, stormstropics,the in our my when So brother and Icame home, we only my knew mother’s bedroom closed took away her car country, even in a new where she couldn’t work legally anyway. My father to U.S. the us all ferried after, was moretraditional than my mother,so he an abaya. father had said, let him he, then took her to Saudi cry Arabia and cloakedher with to that feed goat, to make it stop, his yowls and shuddering whines night, the but my humidifier and her voice like rain—the adult knowsme that she’d asked my father trip. Jericho Brown says: “And why don’t Imention my /he kissed forehead /before own kindness took us to library, the told us we could check out up a to 12 books But what we were allowed, generously, were Once aweek, books. my father inhis chose me over her to touch way, this let so her cry. said quietly to my body, whore, slut, bitchwiththe finally unstressed vowel,that he woundbody asemi-circle over mine, my father telling my mother with his words atstood end the of room: the my mother having forgotten how to plead as my father’s blurred figure edgethe at her handsthecarpet, of fumbling one over another as she on den’s the television, nation’s the like news distant waves, my mother becomes a grew, my crevices sweltering, more the Dan Rather’s voice abeat became Iheard into embroidered the sofa as Ifainted in and out of his blows. The more body my pointed,too or not know what it is Isaid or didn’t say, my so father punched my head uncoiled; some nights it kept unrolling beyond 6o’clock the hour. I’d say something children sometimes said mm-mnh or or uh-huh instead of no, Papa or and and beach with his accent, his yes… , so his belt, so ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel | /// 77 ///

Jax of a can open he’d On Fridays mill, the from home coming After mother my to a letter write to me & ask desert flowers of postcards sent Who beg, would He men. than Taller her beat never to Promising . . . Again. rolled from under theWords pressure blueprints at look he’d but name, His bricks many how & say man, This wall. each Formed & hyacinth roses stole who there stand would yard, his For balled, & fists closed eyes With almost word, a simple over Laboring say. to tried he what by Redeemed call, he’d warm, were rooms the When dress, rise and I would slowly and house, that of angers chronic the fearing him, to indifferently Speaking cold the out driven had who as well. shoes good my polished and I know did what I know, did What offices? lonely and austere love’s of Love, ballpoint: Of my Please. Honey, Baby, . . . . father couldMy only sign And Robert Hayden, with all his wisdom in “The Whipping” of how whippers must must whippers how of all with in “The wisdom his Whipping” RobertAnd Hayden, against “muttering lean, too must the whipper how bear, to had they have what purge of this kind Sundays,” Winter in “Those also could summon, exhausted” / a tree, father: who while opera cooked, he sang and me with chess who played father, my was It covering me / on the couch that was my bed?” and too: “I should have told you this / you told have bed?” should too: “I my was and that the couch on / me covering writes: Letters,” Love Father’s in “My Komunyakaa Yusef ago.” lines \\\ 78 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel because I knew these books were books these changing Iknew because me into someone inthat house I wasn’t studying. It was my own form of study, beyond parents and teachers. Ihidthem looked through required the open door into my bedroom, it would like look Iwas paperbackstheir on my tented my legs behind algebra my when so textbook, parents The under titles likeHobbit The werethey Ifound who sticky furtively inthose public Ihid libraries, books whose Walker,Alice Maya Angelou, Nella Jamaica Larsen, Kincaid, Neale Zora Hurston, writers where Ifound women, and daughters—women Icould make into my own. found kinds the of fathers Irecognized. But it was stories in the of Black women You it see, was words inthe that wrote, Black poets male not white ones, where I adopted countries dreaming. You are Ireally who loved, am imagining alive. still distance—less than five years of my lifewith, physically, in theand thirty other through flights, blue-and-red-dashed mail rippletheand the of telephone’s long- ginger. the we unearth You are who, Irealize now, I’ve spent—getting to you only You are delicate the voices of my distant family, rising and rain inthe falling while down Ninoy because Aquino Jr. was murdered. we emigrated for Saudi as afamily day the before Manila International shut Airport where they’dfrom left me ages oneseventeen to months. According to my mother, approved, my mother and father with brother sweeping back to Philippines the aunts me raised who inour iron-gated Piñas house inLas before my was finally visa scene, as ifwe were powerful, could just “Let You be!” them are grandparents the and shall be or not, us colluding characters which we can leave on and hearth the ina Dear reader! It rests with you and me, whether in our two fields of action, similar things Philippines, to my sweet aunts and grandparents. You are not formal the Dickensian letter for now, as ifon onion the skin of air mail paper, like Iwere writing to still the I suppose Ihave constructed inyou of asort too reader I’m writing an imaginary gave me I readreading. Shakespeare, So of all plays, the “Dear Iam fourteen God, years old. am I somethingrecognized inPa, and myself wrote confused Celie inCelie. inher diary: publicin the library, Ifell down stacks inthe to industrial the blue I because carpet Butbodies. Ican tell you that too Idiscovered when Walker’s Alice Purple Color The refugeseek init, other other walls, places,those stories find in for ourselves other youthis already know it yourself, secret shuttered the life of reading, how we badly mywhyso cuffs seemed I “accident-prone.”can I tell you,though if you’re reading hands over mine, before asked they me from my and wrists forearms unburied from in me immigrant model the minority, folded into my their clasped as palms they grade. These werewhitethe dead, writers whitemy teachers,who, titillated to have Flies, Great Expectations, The Iliad and Ender’s and Game and TheOdyssey Ihave girl.” always agood been so my so father wouldn’t sight Ihid them. by Ifinished time the fourth Les Misérables Les , Lord of the

ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel | /// 79 /// , but I aged with the sharp the sharp with I aged , but as my horizon, as my own close constellation enough to slough off such a such off slough to enough close constellation own my as horizon, my as I may have been here when a child I immigrated have I may If I accidently tanned too much, my mother whopped me with her tsinela before before tsinela her with me whopped mother my too much, tanned accidently I If when he father, my And soap. bleaching or alcohol rubbing with me washed she 100 nose up my pinched him if I’d kiss to I had before night at me asked home, was this, forgotten (I’d architecture. Roman a face Pinay my from try timesto out draw to a Rosal talking I was at the the experience, poet normalized had to until or Patrick such asked had every family learned not and Filipinx week, the other conference their children). from things But I was ashamed then to feel what stirred in my body. Ashamed to love the dark the dark love to Ashamed body. in my stirred what feel then to ashamed I was But body. who color of in writers pulling of I suspect decades and more, years, taken me It’s speak dare is silence, curses or speaking, where against new community own my create To face. advocating Pardlo Levine Gregory Philip and like giants taken the belief of It’s valued. own my too quickly faces I sighted writers’ in apia see I could how before work my own confused my their artwith reject them because to I’d so face, wanted vague because talking you to now, taking is this I think essay me it family. my shuddering, me wince make don’t that features see, faces, to specifically in Filipinx Igloria, Luisa of warm his and chest father’s my into back right lasso me don’t in learned response, allowed to be—and as Janie drew the horizon in around herself, her cloak a crescent cloak her a crescent herself, around in the horizon drew Janie as be—and to allowed books whoI through became aunts authors and these characters body, her around very hands. my with touch could of the a wag and mouth the over hand a with said often is that a concept have We her thick how gall, the someone, dare how means It mukha.” ng kapal “ang finger: is “lose if to face” as honor, community’s her without herself be bare to face must meant a concept is It masks. too thick a skin, or under it submerging by loseto it community’s her into her norm lack—to her audacity—or individual’s an shame to values. consciousness that we did not belong. That our bodies were allowed in the United United in the our allowed bodieswere That belong. did not we that consciousness Cards” “Green pink our after, and H-1B Visa, father’s my virtue of by only States the into myself shut I knew to I had Alien.” “Resident the words with stamped there, quietly contract to school desks, of boards laminate and chairs polyethylene be I could deported. We being “un-American,” be time I could caught any because at and limbs brown shortened our of the anomaly of foreign, were we conscious were me gifted parents my trespasses, private our of the shame With hair. kinked black our citizenship. of the shame of hope in the great assimilation of the shame \\\ 80 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel minority story. I know sensations from memories incomplete, so my own can story only the be have spoken as akind of Morse of hoarse code, signal his own anguish. The nights And his words that took me until and adulthood my own parenting to he learn must to sayneeded My them. father’s tongue, inand darting out of acircle of bone marrow. our gatherings are made over slaughter. My family’s private, liesso never even they through that open door through I’ve which already left.I would toignoreneed how But to have that kind of thanksgiving, I would have to go home, back to walk hurt. which withsoft paper towels, food and air conditioning.So Igave you too the part of myself youbecause don’t ’Sha”) call, while I worked here to raise you. Ihave given you this life to me now, stinging, “you didn’t know your Tito Dante Heart was dead? attack. It’s my father—all gone, just like that asnap,—(in awink, my mother’s voice on phone the father, my mother, my little brother Dante Iheld my own body over to protect him from In dream, this my father’s hands blow open to say, Ihave given you everything. offerthe sum, and his accounting, of our unit’s immigration. bounty, put then down our Corelle plates and our for single beers our patriarch to eat animals the we’d roasted, for suck noodles the prosperity and long life, behold the for My this. brother’s shadows, inthe body and my twisting, for body We this. would might rest counter, upon atall for My this. mother hiddeninto house the for decades perceived friendship leaning forearms their onto his or head shoulder way the one wherein acountry women both and men were than him,white taller men intheir we one knew more of us was sick or dead. For this wobbly, how hesitated they aftertheladysaid, “Will youand acceptthis collect?” camecalls from other the side, we when heard our people’s voices, gauzy, trembling, until we could connect across Pacific, the for this That we waited for hours after holidaytaking dinners each turns holding the phone above hip his rigid say to each other, this, yes, and apig’soiled noodles slack mouth on table, the and asthe we meat flaked from made itselfvisible, so it inescapable. became where Thekind we could gather over and Visible Desperation”—before his uncle’s suicide, before shape the of emptiness OceanThekind Vuong“Thethe essayhad in Weight of Living: On FireEscapesHope, I wish Ihad that kindof tender, coadunate immigrant’s story. with, holding abottle of rubbing alcohol to scour it clean. and ifit which, much abody looked too like mine, I’d wanted to sit in a bathroom me much long too how to unlearn to untangle from other apia writers’ stories, aface breath, his hand heavy and on small my college-aged breasts in Manila. It has taken

this . That our chests hitched those when was what all that loneliness was for. . That my father found himself My My ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel | /// 81 /// ” I think maybe I’ve been drawn to Black and Jewish American poets, American particularly Jewish and Black to been drawn I think maybe I’ve The stories. difficult tell to able they are plainly poets, how because of narrative together: it words all of compassion, somehow pain, body, of breaches unspeakable in a ensnared grief so is such large, how grief. And above just bobbing paper and cannot you family’s, her and a girl’s just than incomprehensible more shame human poets writers such (I undertakingof language believe the I value Though look away. their own of the languages so decolonize they those pulled might to forms are the tell to new ways I still I think or a writer need as new stories, colonization), the shapes I still change need to Perhaps I need the the narrative. scene, story. same which words find to mouth my of the hollow for formed which were the words of of way a subtle really is mythologizing me, Levine true. Philip advises: “to more feel a kind construct You yourself. to being dishonest only you’re But lying. you’re saying more harsher, its and the past from you protects in a way that a fabric, history, of and one constructing truth with to do has oftechnique this lot A moments. difficult a start with you writing: of the process It’s one. second a with away it thenwiping a deeper to one. through break you truth, and When I lived in my parents’ houses, I’d misplaced the feeling that something was was something that the feeling misplaced I’d houses, parents’ my in I lived When being an with comes that “alienness” of soaking feeling that with home in my wrong culture in my larger something to family local was my I confused to what immigrant. “Filipino”; was authority of agents the present by told was I knew, what because it’s What stories. mother’s my their daughters teach all mothers not that know I didn’t after you whendo they to find the bruises. What about when they you ask say to the so of scared were (you A pluses than less with card a report from run away you’d from pulled you you, held had Fatima, neighbor, your how and beating), coming ask to fingers, her with tangled hair your comb to the sirens of in front mother your to wanted you’d anything wrong, something was if there cheek your held she as you who Fatima asking, of origami an face creased into her at looked you’d before her, tell words. mother’s your remembered you before loud, out it say to neededyou martial laws bankruptcies, Cancers, house. grandparents’ my to back it made I never imagination. through re-enter only I can a place into their windows shuttered have miss na Lola,miss aking Lolo, Tita, from, you poems write to more two have I But which begins: “Happiness,” Rekdal’s Paisley the first kita, I wonder if I’ve become some sort of sad curator of my experiences to you now, if now, experiences you to my of sad curator sort of some become if I’ve I wonder another just this paper, the thin skin of into hands in your blurring I am words as are so private longer no stories private My father. lousy another daughter, crouching an life inner my view / in a glass . . . on room,” end. time without for “preserved Laux’s in Dorianne as in amber trapped cradle a mosquito like might artifact you Pompeii.” poem “Theof Days Last \\\ 82 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel grandmother and her immigration, poem’s the voice courses holy as flood: admire, with alanguage writes apoem that moves truly me in“The Mercy.” About a was who an extraordinaryLevine, and exquisitely Imost direct man, poet the lookinglooking, for language the to give to what moves me.” for beauty—and the beauty is not always pretty—beauty brutal, can be but it’s that individual, everyday the looking for elegance the people inthe around me, looking faithful to what Iknow as ahuman What being. doIdare? .giving dignity to forum Iattended recently inMiami, “I’m not faithful to what Iknow as apoet—I’m Sasha, just apoet, to be observant.” Kwame Dawes said, inaquestion-and-answer before he went back inside to work, he told me, “you don’t depressed to need be came outdoors once, too watched us cage tomatoes. inthe Talking alittle of poetry watched her pluck from each tree could fruits boughs the bear.ripened the Phil That firstyear graduate in Levines’ school,the walked I garden incircles with Franny, Rekdal continues: taught me. plantI still tomatoes each year, Paso, El even in desert for what Franny has a white envelope with two crisp twenty-dollar bills, as ifshe were my grandmother. bloom. At end the of each of Sundays, those Franny pressed into my damp hands Franny, taught who me of to bushes shear would dewed bodies back the they so gardenin their on weekends the one Icut thorned season. branches down with to Fresno to study poetry. Franny letme and go to PhilLevine house their to help When my and dimmed clicked childhood shut too, inmy early twenties Imoved to be proud of, agarden. . than your grief. It such is asmall thing I can wait longer than sadness. Ican wait longer snap off in my hands? the living and the dead both tearing the yellow stalks back, wild so touching my hands to the greening tips or to watch me working in it, from the stubborn earth: does it offend you itself pulling indiscriminate, a beautiful garden, all abundance, I cannot help it: Ikeep I have been taught never to brag but now

ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel | /// 83 /// Island Ellis to mother my took that ship The Mercy.” “The named was ago years eighty-three a banana eat to trying remembers She orange first her seeing and it peeling first without a seaman Scot, a young of hands the in her for mouth her wiped and a bite her gave who word, the her taught and bandana a red with over. and over patiently it saying “orange,” . . . . book of a pages yellowing the on read I Mercy,” “The library the of room a windowless in I located days thirty-one sat 42nd Street, on passengers the before quarantine in offshore ships Other story ends. a There disembarked. Neptune” “The Glasgow, of out “Tancred” arrived, IV,” “Umberto as Danish, registered gives November pages, for on goes list the shore. alien this pounds sea the winter, to way dig Piemonte from miners Italian Pennsylvania western in towns under nightmare same the rediscover to only travels girl nine-year-old A home. at left they orange. an and suitcase one with train by night all eat can you is something mercy that learns She over spills juice the while again and again back the with away it wipe can you chin, your enough. get never can you and hands your of A poem too, or a story, can be, for a girl in shame, a mercy. She can read it again and and again it read can She a mercy. a girl in shame, be, for can a story, or A poem too, enough. get Can never again. \\\ 84 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel Eduardo Corral Billy Collins Chopin Kate Steven Church Marilyn Chin Frank Chin Chen Chen Cathy Che Linh Celan Paul Cassells Cyrus Nick Carbó Truman Capote Italo Calvino Toni Bambara Cade Dino Buzzati Jericho Brown Gwendolyn Brooks Carlos Bulosan Jorge Borges Luis Merlinda Bobis BitsuiSherwin BishopElizabeth Arlene Biala Tara Betts Rick Barot James Baldwin Maya Angelou Ivy Alvarez Maram al-Masri Kazim Ali Sherman Alexie Alexander Elizabeth Rosa Alcalá Neil Aitken Ai Chinua Achebe AbonadoAlbert Sasha’s Incomplete of Writers List to Turn to, For Children Other Lonely Juan Felipe Herrera Heaney Seamus Terrance Hayes HaydenRobert Harjo Joy C.G. Hanzlicek Lorraine Hansberry John Hales Hales Clegg Corrinne Kimiko Hahn Jessica Hagedorn Jorie Graham GlückLouise Eugene Gloria GinsbergAllen Amitav Ghosh Lim Shirley Geok-lin Roxane Gay Sarah Gambito Evelina Galang Sesshu Foster Lawson Fusao Inada Tarfia Faizullah Peter Everwine Jeffrey Eugenides Martín Espada Nathan Englander Dungy Camille Natalie Diaz Junot Diaz Oliver Paz dela Doty Mark Rita Dove Emily Dickinson Toi Derricotte Kwame Dawes Edwidge Danticat ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel | /// 85 /// Janice Mirikitani Janice Morrison Toni Mukherjee Dipika Alice Munro Murakami Haruki Marilyn Nelson Aimee Nezhukumatahil Nguyen Minh Bich Obejas Achy Olds Sharon Hong Park Cathy Pardlo Gregory Octavio Paz Philips Carl RankineClaudia Bino Realuyo Paisley Rekdal Reyes Jane Barbara Rich Adrienne Alberto Ríos Robles Tony Lee Roripaugh Ann Rosal Patrick Arundhati Roy Sáenz Alire Benjamin Sa-eun Nicky Schildkraut Sonia Sanchez Santos Bienvenido saxsam Natalie Scenters-Zapico Liz Scheid Gary Shteyngart Schwartz Delmore Seibles Tim Ravi Shankar Shaughnessy Brenda Nye Shihab Naomi Smith Patricia ć vi ski Mike Maniquiz Mike Masumoto Mas David Mikhail Dunya Miller Brenda Lee Herrick Hirsch Edward Hong Maxine Kingston Hongo Garrett Howe Marie bell hooks Hughes Langston Hurston Zora Neale Amanda Huynh Henry Hwang David A. Igloria Luisa Ishiguro Kazuo Randa Jarrar Jackson Major Honorée Fanonne Jeffers Jordan June Allison Joseph Joseph Janine Kafka Franz Kincaid Jamaica Kundera Milan Kunitz Stanley Komunyakaa Yusef n´ Kosi Jerzy Larsen Nella Laux Dorianne Lee Li-Young Legaspi O. Joseph LeviPrimo LevinePhilip Lorca García Federico Lorde Audre Limón Ada Macari Marie Anne Mahmuto Adnan \\\ 86 \\\ | ON READING, AND SHAME :: Sasha Pimentel R. Zamora LinmarkR. Kevin Young YoungC. Dale Monica Youn Karen Tei Yamashita Ishle Yi Park Richard Wright C.D. Wright Susan Wood WillifordLex Richard Wilbur WieselElie Whitehead Colson WestCornel WalkerAlice David Foster Wallace VuongOcean Mai Vang Der Luís Urrea Alberto Brian Turner Jon Tribble Natasha Tretheway Thao Bryan Worra TabiosEileen Wislawa Szymborska Arthur Sze Ira Sukrungruang David St. John SternGerald SpiegelmanArt Smith Zadie BECOMING THE WEATHER :: José Angel Araguz | /// 87 ///

José Angel Araguz Angel José me. Not only because of the because of only Not me. , was read with with read , was Ultima Me Bless of it – I read Anaya’s novel with what I what with novel Anaya’s – I read it of becoming the weather: the weather: becoming reflections on poetry as on poetry reflections cultural, political, and spiritual act and spiritual political, cultural, I grew up in a household where, yes, I spoke Spanish, but anything like cultural pride pride cultural like anything but Spanish, I spoke yes, where, in a household I grew up fluently, between forth languages and back went characters Anaya’s ended there. of in a city I grew up Mexico. in New communities in small, close-knit lived and translate who me had aunt and mother my of tones called the hushed in by strangers, the about stories share to not me who asked parents Texas, them in South for bills many in So, Mexico. in shacks makeshift and in ranches who lived the family of rest time the same while exposed, at singled out, I felt included, feel than rather ways, recognition, but because Anaya’s story was not my own. own. my story not was because Anaya’s but recognition, In high school, I read T. S. Eliot, Yeats, and e. e. cummings as part of the official the official part as cummings of e. e. and Yeats, S. Eliot, T. high I read school, In and novels of form in the were encountered of color curriculum. only writers The Anaya’s Rudolfo in One particular, essays. non-fiction My initial reading of Sandra Cisneros almost did not happen. happen. did not almost Cisneros Sandra of initial reading My me prepared had one no that is issue the main I see that this moment, Looking at back “diversity.” experience of uncomfortable yet the sociologicallyfor well-intentioned curriculum, to did addendum an as diversity about know Looking I did not back, many After so me. my to include behalf on made was being effort an that know not were there suddenly in classes, read the in literature being included not of years alienatedIt, ironically, terrified me. it And faces I knew. extreme mixed feelings on my part. His story of a young boy’s coming of age and to to and age of coming boy’s a young story of part. His my on feelings mixed extreme a powerful and in hindsight, is, Mexico in New background cultural his with terms the I recognized: things were then, however, to I responded What necessary story. the part as of violence the poverty; of the presence words; the italicized Spanish religion. and mythology, in folklore, the faith the home; outside and inside landscape because perhaps – or this recognition Despite resentment. and embarrassment a mix of as term only can \\\ 88 \\\ | BECOMING THE WEATHER :: José Angel Araguz “Dulzura,” spoke and who inriddles demands: work, I wanted in. I wanted to wieldtwo the languages given me of like speaker the put up any defenses about discomfort, Iwas swept up. Whatever poems made these to matchme to try ambition their and intensity inmy own Before poems. Icould moved inlove poems these me further to with language fall as well as challenged for outside reading . my school Spanish high teacher introduced of Loose me Woman to book poems the ofbecause aforementioned the with Anaya), experience when and was surprised so for of SandraI was introduced Cisneros. her as then famous being Iknew to poetry the changed, this All or, rather, I was forced into an uncomfortable reconsideration when how be Iwill expected to write, then have I’ll none of it. moment of click a writerbe (I could point of acts tofaith several and omens early on, but no outright of weather the inmotion, set and it. rejected While Icannot to say Idecided when doubly excluded. of Some part me had then an of inkling decisions the made for me, The House on Mango Street Ipointedly (which didnot read until school grad (Loose Woman 27). even before Iknew you I want to know that Iknew you The way it’s supposed to said.be Say my name. Say it. from my ears and neck. in the gold that dangles the sweet meat of the mango, inside the harp of my wrists, the mouth of my heart, wantI you inside querido, that loved. lullabied, I want to be that crooned to babies. tender like the language I want you juntito ami, Not with that other tongue. Make love to me in Spanish. mi bien ), Iremember that of part my reaction to reading Anaya that’s was: If With mixof their Spanish and English, passion and bitterness,

BECOMING THE WEATHER :: José Angel Araguz | /// 89 /// poems was one of voice and of of and voice of poems one was writers of “El Movimiento,” the politically-motivated artists artists the politically-motivated Movimiento,” “El of writers was instructive for me; not only did it let me off the hook for for hook the off let me did it only not me; for instructive was …[early] in my life, Chicano writers didn’t appeal to me. I have to admit now as now admit to I have me. to appeal didn’t writers Chicano life, my in …[early] still they writings, Chicano early these at looking writer older an poet, older an importance their and them acknowledge I can very me much. to appeal don’t think don’t I but from, coming were they where see and socially and historically a very emotional I think period. that of out came writing Chicano best the that Chicano create to need a real with time that of out came voice social and voice a literary in sense, not a historical in me to important so they’re and identity via audience an reach to meant it’s that so shifted has writing sense… [Latinx] and is tighter work the Technically rallies… via public simply to as opposed books subjects the because as a woman me to exciting more much it’s Also, now. stronger feel I didn’t before. heard never we that voices are hearing we’re that voices and early those I read when moved emotionally feel not I did and identity sense of any my or experience urban my of to say anything have didn’t They writers. Chicano (Torres away them throw just and them read I could and as a woman experience 213-214). Loose Woman Loose In keeping with my early, bristling self, in college I refused to read only Latinx only read I refused to in college self, bristling early, my with keeping In and Lorca, Garcia Federico Neruda, him Pablo added to and Yeats, my I kept writers; Loose Woman the Loose of me Seeing for the lesson as those reconcile to how me also showed it book, but Anaya’s with discomfort my When consideration. sense of generous more and a humbler with feelings earlier throw “just to then being able and writers Chicano/a early talks reading of Cisneros cultural of every a practice that regardless talking is writer she about them away,” the and their predecessors through read must One through. go to has background add to order in weather that against go then established, have their efforts weather it. to Cisneros’s poems were unabashedly emotional and direct, the exact opposite of the of the direct, exact opposite and emotional unabashedly poems were Cisneros’s charged is the italicized Spanish poems been I had then. Here, exposed until up to of speakeras pieceevidence the another affection of phrase each meaning, with reading me kept then. What way that it understand I did not case. But her makes the writing much how was recognition emotional and cultural of the charge beyond language. loved herself the writer how showed owning my sense of self, culture, and literary heritage, I was surprised to find, years years surprised find, I was to literary heritage, and culture, self, sense of my owning them.In write to in order had I as issues similar overcome to had Cisneros that later, the Chicano/a to regards interview: in an states Cisneros 70’s, and the 60’s activists of community and my experienceAnaya with after years twenty nearly this statement across Coming and \\\ 90 \\\ | BECOMING THE WEATHER :: José Angel Araguz fact thatfact Igrewup speaking readingbecause Neruda and other Spanish language meant poets having to face the could muscle out words the for myself, was which its task. Unnerving, own unnerving despite respective the merits of and Merwin Bly, Icould embrace), never fully or I with Neruda,identifying meter; Ihad to to either choose atranslation trust (which, Spanish and English, on opposing pages. Studying Auden was counting syllables and invention, versus someone often like Neruda, poems faced whose up bothat me in difference felt in someonereading like who IloveAuden, for his breadth of prosodic Naomi Shihab Nye. As much as my reading widened, however, Icould not ignore the Alejandra Pizarnik, with Charles balanced Simic, Sharon Olds, W. H.Auden, and In my near twenty years of awriting life, it isquestioning this that energy remains am Imade of? – kept sideof this my writing at bay, kept What me mistrustful? was Ilacking? What into that? What about my schooling –from schoolto aPhD high increative writing ofto asense that self spoke with conviction of whole the person? What went exactly but also, and more importantly, expression? inaesthetic How gained had access they tempered by envy. What figured had they out to reach bothsuccess, in publication would bristle; found yet, Ialso myself reading some of same the writers with an awe words as ornamentation or bringing incultural markers to exoticize themselves, I mixed reaction. When Icame across awriter Ifelt was not genuine, using Spanish For longest the time, I could not read another writerLatinx without some of sort Whole worlds come up texts. with these bilingual wizardpoetic like Urayoán Noel, alight has never matter been for me. it &Noble-canonized aBarnes whether be great like Neruda or acontemporary spiritual”; “nieces and nephews”; a“love” of languages. writer, aLatinx Reading Note what comes up for Martinez indiscussing Spanish: “cultural, the political, by Martinez regarding Demetria her feelings on writing primarily inEnglish: sorts inacomment distinction the I recognized of of reading this “stand-off” made andearned challenged by. college degree and Auden’s wit and metrical stoicism, was yet another thing to be areeven those mocho, still choppy). What was on page the was literary, and, like a page was far from intimacy and the recognition of my conversations back home (and nephews, to encourage them to love languages (Torres 88). acultural,is political, spiritual act. Iwant to be able to influence my nieces and conversational Spanish, but I’m not totally fluent. I read a lot in Spanish. To so do It was only later in life that Ihad achance to learn Spanish. Ican hold my ownin and not writing reading reading or in Spanish. What was on the BECOMING THE WEATHER :: José Angel Araguz | /// 91 /// shop. In workshop, I got direct direct I got workshop, In shop. . New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1994. Print. 1994. Alfred A. Knopf, York: . New . Writers Chicano and Chicana Contemporary with Conversations Albuquerque: University of New Mexico Press, 2007. Print. 2007. Press, Mexico New of University Albuquerque: Much of the work of accepting the particular bilingual stew my writing exists in exists writing the particular my stew accepting bilingual of the work of Much work writing the creative of outside be to had done Woman Loose Sandra. Cisneros, a constant. Whether bristling against something new or being swept away by it, the it, by away being swept new or something against bristling Whether a constant. literary traditions by informed States being a poet of raised in the United weather have I time, Over filled beenmovement. has one with Spanish and bothin English project. by project the weather read to beingunsettled, of this state accept learnedto point rather confused, but truculentthe highfor apologies kid I was, school no I offer it to return to only culture, of denying one storynot My is in the shift to perspective. it. of manifestation thorny being another a story is of it later; rather, Notes feedback on my overuse of prepositions, but sometimes rolled eyes, sometimes eyes, sometimes rolled sometimes but prepositions, of overuse my on feedback the by shaped was it Again, phrases. Spanish the use to of in response questions the wind with respond or bristle either to compelled feeling of weather, of notion of outside occurworlds these in reflections the brief this reason, For voice. my of myself find I self. of explorations my writing, my reading, my well: as workshop acts that spiritual” political, “cultural, in myself engaged in finding Martinez echoing for. one prepare can classroom no A. Hector Torres, \\\ 92 \\\ | A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen (a benjaminian essay oninvisibleman) a radical poeticsoflove of cynicism infavorof cynicism of afuture that, ifwe can imagine, we can ultimately create as itbecause is or futile. Far seems from afetish for foolish, the it recklessness the rejects applicable sure, to self be but a love also of future-making, of possibility, evenifor of love poetics A radical defines loveself-love, as a theboth andspecific broadly and what itpoetics, does mean? alongside of act the making? What love does have to dowith that, with writing, with awarenessdoes of that movement as function a feeling alongside and thinking, comes to that ego movement, How egoitself where the set aside body? does inthe reading and unquantifiable the elementthat is awareness/consciousness? When it to investigate once-fixedCan ideas? we make equationan time,of experience, prior ego where the then move does or quiet or activate inareader by triggered when atext If one aspires toward inahumanist collective good the rather than aMarxist way, / harvest.” each other’s /business” Brooksian inthe communal that sense; “we are eachother’s rather, as an encompassing that centers on capacious the notion of love: that “we are aimwhich to exclude; of love apoetics that works as opposite the of narrowing— shortfall of such completeness, but it may move also than lines of further inquiry emotional within intellectual the as an attempt at completeness. It may ultimately formthe of questioning awider than intellectual, to include physical the and the and connection, and if criticism’s main motive is inquiry, comes part radical the in thought. If any worthwhile exercise has at its root adesire for understanding deeper essay advocates for engagement critical on love, radical based rooted inwomanist know it. To feel is not weakness, but strength. This empirical theoreticalandpoetics of examination, allows which us to question what we we know think how via it feels to solidarity fosters an acceptance of emotional articulationan via imaginative process create abundantly and invent freely, a kind of solidarity with language That occurs. of feelings unruly through a process of definition and inclusionthat allows us to When writers work toward opposite the of detachment, toward an encompassing Khadijah Queen 1 A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen | /// 93 ///

, 4 ’s astrological astrological ’s

5 If we look at Invisible Man look at we If 2 , we see eerie parallels to what we already know, emphasizing an extant extant an emphasizing know, already see we , we eerie what to parallels 3 , that means interest in “intellectual activities, humanism, and abhorrence of of abhorrence and activities,humanism, in “intellectual interest means , that Indeed, it must be said that just as the mind is a powerfully creative living instrument, instrument, living creative powerfully a is the mind as just be that said must it Indeed, be to thus humanity—and ignore to is literature, even in that, ignore To so the body. is Invisible Man Ralph in Ellison’s demonstrated As literature. that to cross-purposes at a new reality if we pay attention to how we feel when we read and write, radically write, and read when we feel we how to attention pay if we a new reality inquiry—thorough, means a poetics love, of of the in context Rigor, rigorously. and severity or rigidity, (i.e. connotations the negative exhaustive—avoiding diligent, Rigor questioning. investigative a relentless of in favor the word of discomfort) describes a of a deadpoeticsof love the stiffness body—but example, for mortis, self. a whole part function as of to aims and life, from operates and assumes “in the that out points Benjamin Walter Faculty,” the Mimetic “On essay his In thoseAllusion […] in the sky included imitable considered the processes past remote an understanding for point reference a first supply may sphere the astrological to similarity.” nonsensuous of the concept of maybe everything. nothing; Ellison, Maybe literature? do with to have does that What I was “When reading: on NPR, thoughts recalls his on interviewin a 2014 aired audio I was always and soon, and translations Russian I read novels, English I read a kid, talkingjust not I’m and is integrated, Literature hero. with the I identified the hero. recognize, us make to literature of the power talking I am about race. or color about experience.” the human of the wholeness again, and again and in which the narrator’s body is turned into metaphorical negative space, the body’s the body’s space, negative metaphorical body into turned is in which the narrator’s observation, a terrorism unmediated of built existence in a grotesque results absence to somewhere have must energy The outlet. sans a hyperlucidity consciousness, of the larger to out all the place, way mind, body, of outside expand even might It go. time, of everything has the intersection with do that to connecting of way a universe, loop. endless in an future and present and linking the past in us, itself repeats it how apparently doessuch what But, is uncanny. novel to the chart of the resemblance The yourself love can’t You a radical do with poetics to love? of have knowledge esoteric the self into insight a connective astrology is and are, who you know don’t if you in the universe. place(s) possible one’s alongside violence, constant doubt of all mental concepts, hesitancy and academicinterest.” and hesitancy concepts, all mental of doubt constant violence, wholeness alongside the artificiality of separation. Besides having several planets in planets several having Besides of the separation. artificiality alongside wholeness and the is in Gemini, ascendant the Sagittarius, and Aries like signs fire bombastic Invisible For the world. to appears the individual how in astrology dictates ascendant Man Our aims as writers, then, are not separate from our aims as humans: connection, connection, humans: as aims our from separate not then, are writers, as Our aims the the world—and of others, of self, love—of yes, and, knowledge, understanding, chart \\\ 94 \\\ | A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen illusion and adanger throughout novel the itself: appearances and visual both cultural, although beauty functions most often as an early describing “hole” the book inthe where he lives reader lets the ruminate on resonate far beyond tumultuous the wrote Ellison erainwhich it. Passages like one of beauty, language the demonstrates arresting qualities and conjures images that Even content the when consists of harrowing and horrible arguing scenes opposite the but story in the language in the of text, the how it is formed or crafted the by author. at intersection the of love In and terms poetics? of Man Invisible of loveIf poetics aradical exists or can exist inthat field, beautyhow function does literature. beauty, and on relevance the of awork to larger the human within field the story of but that it liesat of heart the discourse the on text construction, on literariness, on how it’s constructed? Those questions assumethat love is notfrivolous a concern, authorthe show love for story, the language, or individual elements of piece the in oftype repetition, amechanical habit of born cultural or family programming? Does that love have substance, or is it aregurgitation of what they’re told to love, asurface reading for that love of is part reading generously: what characters do the love? Does novel at first appeared to have no love in it. In consideringof love,poetics aradical cost ustruth to know? Must existence? it our be The very nihilism the at theheart of What the What does dowe gain wean when self? lose externally imposed aself? lose material with material self the world’s What negation we do we when lose of that self? simply me.” people because refuse to see and liquids—and Imight said amind. to possess evenbe Iam invisible, understand, elements of narrator’s the makeup: “I am a man of substance, of flesh bone,and fiber is a key.body Importantly, novel the with a material begins recounting of physical the its compelling quality over many it because partly connects decades, seemingly it is expressed, and difficulty the the of content isa literariness that has retained Thus, the intersectionat the loveof the narrator expresses,beautythe whichwith reality, gives birth to my form. light, love light. But maybe it exactly is because I am invisible. Light confirms my light. Perhaps you’ll think it strange that an invisible man should need light, desire across my head much so that Inow can see the darkness of lightness. And Ilove world moves: Not like an arrow, but aboomerang. […]Ihave been boomeranged a hoax, or acontradiction, but that (by that contradiction Imean) how is the our whole culture (an important distinction, I’ve heard)—which might sound like Those two spots are among the darkest of our whole civilization—pardon me, spot in all New York than this hole of mine, and Ido not exclude Broadway. […] My hole warm is and full of light. Yes, full of light. Idoubt if there abrighter is 7 6 Ellison’s novel asks: How dowe reconcile a , beauty is not only A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen | /// 95 /// One One 9 8 , notably, there is no love for women. women. for love no is there , notably, Just as it looks for the presence of love, it looks it love, of thepresence looks for it as Just One cannot, then, use a poetics of love fully without talking about talking about fully then, use without a poetics love cannot, One of 10 How do fear and violence operate in a novel, outside of authorial intent but within within but intent authorial of outside in a novel, operate violence and do fear How otherwise? or A poetics subconscious a modernist zeitgeist, part as of itself the text (the attachment or love of fear as is manifests it way one that argue might love of the Thus brevity). the sake of for will which this paper avoid of implications spiritual the counterpoint of fear, and its fraternal twin, violence. twin, violence. fraternal its and fear, of the counterpoint The women in the novel are not referred to or discussed in true human terms, and and terms, or discussed to human in truereferred not are novel in the women The Mary Harlem, in figure mother the nurturing have We thin become archetypes. thus at the stripper/whore have we the symbolism); with heavy-handed a little (again, like yellow (“The was hair caricatured and dehumanized 19, page on royal the battle an form to though as rouged, and powdered the face heavily doll, a kewpie of that butt”); baboon’s a of the color coola blue, smeared and the hollow eyes mask, abstract “primitive.” who married) calls seductress, emotion (and the wealthy later, and as well where love is absent. In InvisibleMan In absent. is love where well as love. no but appreciation, fond and somewhat mild a there’s fear, there’s lust, There’s an representing and seductive, at sinister is the beginning woman white dancing The the sake for necessarily so perhaps but heavy-handed, bit is a ideal that oft-repeated to attention demands however, the text, of reading the time period.of womanist A of the depictions simplistic rather and toward feelings conflicted the male narrator’s characters. female What does contradictory-or multidimensional-content-as-wholeness have to do to have multidimensional-content-as-wholeness does contradictory-or What though? a radical with poetics love, of disparate ideas and makes room for the simultaneity of contradictions—a wholeness, wholeness, contradictions—a of the simultaneity for room makes ideas and disparate of definitions many with for: “The also room makes trouble Harshav which Benjamin it all under subsume to theyart wanted of was that aesthetic definitions or literariness multidimensional dealing with model […] while are linear we in one or principle one ” aspects. all in and levels all on forms optional and changing with objects could argue that the novel isn’t “about” the women, but the narrator’s interaction interaction the narrator’s but the women, “about” isn’t the novel that argue could his situation, his thereof) lack of them (and/or with the revelation to central is mind, of state narrator’s the usedshow tools to as function women The character. of repulsion, and desire of the dichotomy symbolize to the story forward, move to takes center desires his of fear the narrator’s While impossibility. and possibility often speculated upon, or incidental nonexistent, appear desires the women’s stage, and the reverently is the novel the beginning of at glaring Particularly ungenerously. feelings beset contradictory by the narrator with described dancer, exotically blonde the run time to from the same and one at wanted “I form: naked her of the sight at of and the eyes my eyes her from cover and her to go or the floor, sink through room, her love to her, destroy and her body; my to with caress the soft thighs, feel others to her.” murder and \\\ 96 \\\ | A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen identified richwiththe myself man (Mr. Norton) reminiscing the on seat.”rear his obsession with what a chance heto believes be to elevate his station in life: “I consideredbe his fatal flaw. cannotHe crawl outfrom the depth self-concern,of his narcissism. The narrator’sself-interest self-obsessionand is staggering, and could ofAnd speaking detours, here it’s important to digress into abrief discussion of illustrate. to fantasy of raping his own daughter, structurally, which, it is point the of sidetrip the rampant abuse of women. Further, Trueblood Mr. embodies Norton’s insinuated violenceof toward sexual her, exemplify justifications the forthe ancient and still and unintelligibility, along with his inscription of dream and onto memory his act just how deeply that destructive absence is. Trueblood’s daughter Matty Lou’s silence property again absence highlights the of love, for especially women, and exposes ofSpeaking inclusion, or lack the thereof, extended the detour at Trueblood the positive of rigor. aspect to accept it way the it is. Inclusion is simply another word for accuracy, and another plot We devices. of critical can American the be imagination, with love; we don’t have human) narrative, women must exist as more than markers of occasions or sidebar in singular novelistic ways on alarger In scale. a futuristic American (or indeed story, or might like what if we be didknow postmodern women the these characters created—makingin fact, loop. a destructive It means also we don’t know whole the in literature of because portrayal as their complicit, accessories inasystem that men, often,that morethan population half the of continues be silenced or to suppressed from afear of love as much against as system. it astruggle arigged It does means, rather than as complex individuals with own their identity to attend crises to, arises as symbols of American the Dream (or nightmare) and as function props to plot common American trope of alienated the man, for example, for whom women serve damage of such an absence is total and inescapable for involved. parties all In the ManInvisible or articulatesee it, apursuit is also of love; he wants loved to be and accepted. and repeatedly to impress tries novel. in the His pursuit, however, though he cannot erasure of himself that mirrors his invisibility to white the benefactors ardently he so by mere the of fact his existence, as opposedto outside recognition, he an enacts Indeed, without inner the knowledge and conviction of his own humanity as manifest state he cannot arrive that at functions inasociety completely counter to that desire. scholar, and at most the elemental level, as aman and ahuman an being: ontological entails. And more than that, wants he also He respect. wants validation as an orator, a acceptance forneed by survival: white benefactors and precarious the privileges that narrator is desperate for wrong the things, albeit with adesperation of born basic the tells us that absence the of that humanity love perverts and that the 11 The The A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen | /// 97 /// 14 actually so , as a kind of of kind a as , 13 In his incapacitated incapacitated his In 12 and what it thinks, wants, feels, and and feels, thinks, wants, it what and from sight in the name of trying to exist in some resigned trying resigned of in some exist in the name to sight from grief for enduring violence you cannot escape, of figuring out the world is world the out figuring of escape, cannot you violence enduring grief for But sight. your from the world redirect or up, give decide to you that brutal absurdly the narrator oblivion, into drinking themselves do, the veterans what doing of instead himself redirects ultimately done? I have else could “What rage: own his even from peace safety, of and measure the into clubbed I was and a club, as irresistible as is reality used it, get to you Once know.” be; to I don’t had it the way that’s Perhaps the hint. I caught before cellar In a radical poetics of love, one might revise the erased figure in future explorations explorations revise in the erasedfuture might figure one a radical poeticsIn love, of self-knowing, from self inwardly a sense derived of being toward and Blackness of the self alongside of examination pathological almost the narrator’s than rather in Invisible Man presented whiteness monolithic system institutionalized an of outside existence based its on a self-love does.Instead, a self- preservation; system’s that the sake of for the individual destruction of of forming self itself, as that of the here-ness a focus on by possible made actualization If, formation. ontological that to attention its powerful by made pressure, under Trueblood section, Mr. Norton’s sober insistence that his fate is tied to the Black tied is the Black to fate his that sober insistence Norton’s section, Mr. Trueblood The exaggeration. an isn’t in particular, the narrator and the college, of students speaks concept that of understanding slow or misunderstanding narrator’s young doesonly Not Norton. Mr. with also misguided identification his but youth, his to fears, deep it uncovers but identification, such upend Trueblood with the encounter vulnerable student a Black as position furtherinsecurities, and exposes precarious his during the he endures masking or pretending The benefactors. white the of whims to ruin could future. his misstep if one naught be for would royal battle violent and absurd such under suffering and brutality the then,purpose is enduring of What, truly not if they be a person can are visible even more, And conditions? persistent hilarious Norton’s Mr. selves. their own to invisible if theyseen? are not answer: One carries too, he, that, shows the Golden Day at the veterans among interchangeability theoppressor, represents he himself: than more represents He a certain invisibility. it chaos the it engenders, inflicts, it the traumas the pain racism, of the absurdity “Theseold out: bastards points prostitutes, the Golden Day of Edna, one As creates. world.” the whole have to They want enough. git never don’t The narrator, on the other hand, tries to intellectualize his feelings and disembodiesand feelings his triesto intellectualize hand, other on the narrator, The to in order memory, experiences into traumatic his integrate to the Self in order Ellison knew about much how unclear it’s While strive. to continue function and strongly the veterans with the Golden Day scene at victims, the elaborate trauma shock shell as existence Black about knew he something that suggests state, Mr. Norton becomes vulnerable to the Golden Day’s inhabitants’ scrutiny and and scrutiny inhabitants’ the GoldenDay’s to vulnerable becomes Norton Mr. state, faculties, his although of the height be if at normally wouldn’t he in a way commentary consequences. life-threatening real any him from still protects whiteness his \\\ 98 \\\ | A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen of for success inasick signs society the of life.” ameaningful america to repeat white america’s mistakes. But we ifwe will, mistake trappings the community. As Audre Lorde writes inSister Outsider , “It is not destiny the of Black have able been to and visualize himself actualize as a man and of as part a vital a remained with Blacks the inHarlem, inMary’s welcoming boardinghouse, he may rather than lured being by Communist the group’s flattery,the narrator had instead by Black people than to forcibly remove from them homes their name inthe of of, and participation in,aworld that largely incapable seems of doing any better Such internationality is important, since it constitutes and aseeing appreciation emotion Ifeared”: which elderly inhabitants, and overcome being by “a warm, dark, rising of whirlpool scene,narrator the eviction the During belongings the of describes displaced newly Blackness and national asglobal, local and international, andpersonal political. Worth noting is Ellison’s further frequent of use symbols that for make case the either. are human it then beings, problem the seems of integration cannot solved, be solved.be Until an ontological agreement that occurs, Black people doexist and givens don’t sync up different between systems equations,of the problemcannot assumption? In mathematics, we have agreed-upon givens inan equation. If the institutionssocial and environments behave truly inaway that operates on that white same exact wayin the people are, so-called why then don’t cultural the and naturethe of existence. If nonwhite we assume so-called people are, indeed, people integration individual as both and collective, bringing to how difference confronts to surrounding the monolith of whiteness. Man Invisible delicately positioned world of university the he made runs, to appear acceptable college’sthe culture, with Dr. fiercely Bledsoe guardingthecarefully built and visibilitytrue is possible? We pollution ideological the of born see segregation in erasure only by existing outside of white-dominated spaces? Is that only the place But, Invisible ManInvisible and mother of pearl. Fair…I stood in kind of adaze, looking at an old folded lace fan studded with jet pieces of delicate china, acommemorative plate celebrating the St. Louis World’s of aHollywood star torn from amagazine. And on apillow several badly cracked small Ethiopian flag, a faded tintype of Abraham Lincoln, and the smiling image a basket in which Isaw awhiskey bottle filledwith rock candy and camphor, a cold: ivy, canna, a tomato plant. And […]Iwatched the white men put down Pots and pots of green plants were lined in the dirty snow, certain to die of the also asks, is also it lot the of American African character the to avoid 16 presents problem the of 15

A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen | /// 99 /// , , Broadside Press, 1971, p. 1971, p. Press, , Broadside . Schocken Books, 1978, p. 333-336. Books,. Schocken 1978, p. 17 thus maintains that the repudiation, ill treatment, dismissal and and dismissal ill treatment, the repudiation, that maintains thus Astro.com. Personal Portrait. Inputs: 14 April 1952, 8:00am, New York City. York New 8:00am, 1952, 14 April Inputs: Portrait. Personal Astro.com. edited by Hannah Arendt. Reflections Arendt. Hannah by edited Benjamin, Walter. “On Mimetic Faculty.” Translated by Edmund Jephcott, Jephcott, Edmund by Translated Faculty.” Mimetic “On Walter. Benjamin, Invisible Man Brooks, Gwendolyn. “Paul Robeson.” Family Pictures Robeson.” “Paul Gwendolyn. Brooks, 19. https://www.instagram.com/p/BRwjZZuARF8/?taken-by=radicalpoetics https://www.instagram.com/p/BRwjZZuARF8/?taken-by=radicalpoetics 3 1 Notes 2 A radical poetics of love does not shy away from difficult truths. Rather, it pushes pushes it Rather, difficult truths. from away shy doesA radical not poetics love of honestly they can open, be where the into out thoughts problematic and difficult occur. can true and solutions loving toward evolution an hopefully, and examined, appears it not whether or worry does about not poeticsA love-based shame, no has thus is It progression. and transparency of the in name bare itself lays and foolish, favor which separation, toward opposes lean views that naturally it because fierce, win to party attempt in an another weaknesses against supposed or apparent using be domination. no there insists A radical poetics love of dominate. to or arguments and domination, toward tendencies own its about worries yet it insistence, its In poetics of kind even while rejects finds those one it it only the need for questions the acknowledges A radical poetics love of inclinations. own its of harmful in favor manifests. simultaneity such the wholeness upon in fact insists and simultaneity, profit, mirroring the reasoning behind the abductions and violent displacement of displacement violent and abductions the reasoning behind the mirroring profit, the eviction scene also But trade. visually demonstrates the slave during Africans regulation bestate with to met tend Blackness and both love and Black, is love that that of knowledge his from speaks comes of the narrator the fear violence—and and fact. without exist cannot radical love that acknowledges A radical poeticslove of both as just exist, horror and bothas beauty even readers, human consummately might the two Separating exist. created is in which it the world and thing the created to the body part of order in one on operating a surgeon as seem a clinical approach, also account must thesurgeon malfunction, but any correct function and its assess surgery a is for being violated, it a part reacts to of it how the body, of the rest for and/or the excision that reasoning its despite body, a whole into a cutting violation, the remembers it purposes.changes, healing it The body for is scars, bears invasion in Illuminations writes Benjamin as takes healing time and, that heals but it trauma, persecution of Black people, their bodies and belongings, means that the broader the broader that means their bodies belongings, people, Black and persecution of incompleteness. ferocious its lesser for crueler and will remain world infinite.” is event remembered “a \\\ 100 \\\ | A RADICAL POETICS OF LOVE :: Khadijah Queen 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 Benjamin, Walter. Translated by edited Zohn, by Harry Peter Demetz. p.270-271. Ellison, Lorde, Audre. Sister Outsider. The Crossing Press, 1984, p.63. p.572.Ellison, Alma. “HowCarten, Slavery’sthe Affects Legacy Mental Health of Black p.Ellison, 88. p.Ellison, 39. p.Ellison, 19. p.413.Ellison, Harshav, Benjamin. Poetics of Exploration p.Ellison, 6. Invisible Man Invisible Ralph. Ellison, Vitale, Tom. “Ralph No Ellison: Longer The ‘Invisible Man’ 100 Years After His Ascendant,Gemini Astro.com. via https://www.instagram.com/p/BRwkGTFg Illuminations republic.com/article/122378/h slaverys-legacy-affects-mental-health-black-americans#https://new Americans.” July 27, 2015. https://newrepublic.com/article/122378/how- p.166, emphasis Harshav’s. man-100-years-after-his-birth#http://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2 codeswitch/2014/05/30/317056807/ralph-ellison-no-longer-the-invisible- Birth.” Qxb/?taken-by=radicalpoetics All ThingsConsidered . May 30,http://www.npr.org/sections/ 2014. . Schocken Books, 1968. p.202.. Schocken Books, . Random House, 1952, p.3. . Stanford University Press, 2007,

STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer | /// 101 ///

, grapples , grapples (one-sided (one-sided That day in December, in December, day That 1 desire as obsession Remica L. Bingham-Risher Remica standing in the shadows of love: of love: in the shadows standing In the chaos of the next few weeks, there are many sleepless nights and so I won’t so I won’t and nights sleepless many are there weeks, few the next of the chaos In frightened I am me, for worried is he usual (as closer than lying husband my wake headphones I wear room) the in next sleeping son our for both fear we him and for focus. of out in and moving voices spin, and spin music in bed, letting awake lying Rumain became one more on the growing list of black men gunned down (mostly (mostly gunned down men black of list the growing on more became one Rumain August— Garner, July—Eric movement: Matter Lives the Black led to police) that by December— Rice, November—Tamir McDonald, October—Laquan Brown, Mike three through middle school, from Boy me who journeyedwith Brisbon. Rumain Chicago filled photographs, with letters thick calls and phone his college, past states, gone. a kin, close as now boy wild chuckling; and love Starlight & Starlight Error of sweetness the overt with wrestling revising, I am When with how all of us collide and come to be and how the mass of what we are—the stars, stars, are—the we what of the mass how be to and come and collide us all of how with desires/obsessions As reckoning. own our guide us—lead to that voices and songs, God, domesticity, music, will, this several work: rise the surfaceof to began always to killed. is Rumain the night seem converge All to that the things progeny. cosmos, chronologically), all stacked mothering, and mothered romance, nostalgia,too much by friends shot is dearest and oldest my of when one reality into back knocked I am Meal Happy pocket and in his bottle a pill with On Dec. doorstep his police. 2014, 2, on the taken. of line a long in next is Rumain thedoor, beyond daughter his for hand in White Brisbon: Rumain now, and Brown Mike Garner, “Eric headline reads, One Man.” Black Unarmed Kills And Shoots In Arizona Officer Desire is obsession, the things we keep going back to, that dig in us, that we dig into. dig into. we that in us, dig that to, back going keep we the things obsession, is Desire love us—re-examining to back come that mining—extracting things Poetryabout is families extended and children married I inherited I was in 2010, When shadows. and what I started interrogating upbringing. my became obsessed re-examining and with move thoselet lessons I’d childhood how and my throughout love learned about I’d all & Starlight this, Error from came eventually The book me. that through \\\ 102 \\\ | STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer Wonder: where I’m book in the poem to really channel just trying one of greatests, the Stevie Error enjambment, repetition and end rhyme make way their into much of Starlight & greatestthe compliment Ihave givenmy inall been natural life. Assonance, sparse and Temps the until she realizes how gorgeous lieswere” their gravitates toward addictive the sugar of music, soul follows gospel the of Smokey names then lost tribe, me among honor who those blacksaying: nostalgia, “She Patricia Smith’s introduction to my colored she second calls book, girls adefinitive, skippedof who over those vinyl eachSaturday morning inmy parents’ home. In As music soul is an obsession that resides in me, deep I am oftenwriting the in voices because, insubtle to ways, emulate Iam trying popular song. Here’s an early on fraught and ordinary pain. refrains, this insistence awful cinders, indecipherable soulful their Such strange obsessions Iinherit: what each of remembers. us and revelry,heartache how Iinterrupt their ending, my mother counts the years since their beginning, a tone’s shift or timbre— trailing, voice background a enthralled few days every by some new epithet— I spend ayear playing the set their scratches on the grooves. smooth booklet, worn inside, on the lyrics their marks on the sheath’s concentric circles, Sweet and Dee Junior Love Bee—In ’79 I marvel at the messages my parents inscribed: When Ifind the Songs Key inthe of Life45s It’sIf Magic

3

2 and is this maybe STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer | /// 103 /// One poem One 4

5 enough old are you discover you When novelty has nothing that teenagers with live you learned who’ve Time. Savings Daylight I hate everything— abhor to than more little being here. I hate Virginia. I hate … time and light their steal can we If without warning had, be to is there joy what fear? without love they can what How strange it is to realize in the days after Rumain’s death that, once and for always, always, for and once that, death Rumain’s after in the days realize to is it strange How passed time has between much how I forget Sometimes children. longer no are we the poem In time. losing about grief, I write my Amidst memory. experience and their trust lost in time, me—have children—like my and a still-point I am “Solstice”, in anyone: in Starlight & Error, “Our child is not yet ten and we are clearing his closet”, is about about is closet”, his clearing are we and ten yet not is child “Our & Error, in Starlight if as in desperation, wardrobe son’s the my hoodies from away throwing literally me all. at anything will solve that I met Rumain when I was around 13. That year, I kept a journal, every day for 365 365 a for everyjournal, kept I day year, That 13. when around I was Rumain I met shelf the lowest on kept binder blue the massive at looked rarely then, I’d Since days. for looking open killed, is the binder crack I Rumain bookcases. When my of one of begin people imagining. what opposed to as was, who he were, who we of remnants from who moved college, grade until seventh friend the closest from I had Rumain, As music informs much of this work, I turn to other poets—like Patricia Smith, Smith, poets—like other Patricia to I turn this work, of much informs music As how for models Douglas—as Mitchell and Jordan, Van A. Jeffers, Fanonne Honorée becauseit song to back I go course, embody the electric of to soul energy and, of book I carry what bed to or matter no dies, when Rumain But soothesusually me. so new I am afraid. and restless I am headphones, my through blare which tracks carry men black a weight as that the double-fear with living at being a mother, at mention to not fear, triple already woman’s black young own my balanced atop sake still, who is small son’s my for face, a brave and this hope balance with to having knowing.” not and space between knowing in that “sweet it puts Smith as \\\ 104 \\\ | STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer boy out or somebody,” Scarface to be is which to say, we are 21 in the myth. inPhoenix,my Back husband’s cousin to tell calls us, “They’re making your or story the other, the what’s strangest people say is about most everything is them When your becomes aflashpoint, friend everyonewith clamoring for one side of quickly to craft. begin any teenage little boy his natural with all of can myth the be—very insecurities people find theRumain light all was I remembered—silly solemn,funnyand and cocky as nightthe after killed. he theis In morning,when I am brave enough to them, I read and forth for at least Ilay adecade. on them my living room most floor of and cry Tucked into pages the of that old are journal letters and photographs we sent back spite of ourselves. for countless hours that year and many years grew thereafter; we up together and in out we’d who like to become. We dark, whispered in the backs of the behind our mothers jokes and late night meandering, boyequally to and figure of crazy girl both us, trying Mother’s Day. marathon Our phone got calls me grounded more than once—our inside recitals, gave me teasing nicknames, rapped Tupac’s “Dear Mama” to his mother on Heand friends. best Ibecame watched over me like abrother, asked about my chorus school, Ilovedhigh aboy and to lied himabout it man (the Iwould Rumain later marry), myReading journal,so Ifind much happenedthat year: my uncle died, I prepared for day he arrived. would.sentgirls The me to find the who out cute jacketboy thewas in Bulls the first boldnessthen or naiveté, evennow Ican’t sure) be to make no one an inquiry else older and infinitelywiser, always he laughed when I’d strut over (was my fearlessness Chicago to Phoenixand landed at he Challenger when arrived. Middle School Ayear voice he when writes: few months after we’veboth left Phoenix time.for a In it,I find what’s left of Rumain’s or say we’re for what sorry we imagined. One letter he’s written to me is from 1997, a betteris to still eviscerate some men than for anyone to admit we’ve made amistake why? Well tell I’ll you why cause you ain’t never had like afriend me. too close to your new homies cause can’t nobody replace me.you Do want to know that Ilove you with all my heart. Shorty, Ihope you like the picture. P.S. Don’t get don’t have much to say besides Imiss you and I can’t wait ‘til Isee you again, and I know at least one day before this life ends we see will each other again. I really won’t be there just hurts my feelings. But you know what, Iain’t gon’ trip cause Phx Ihaven’t had any one to talk to, and knowing that when Ido goback you Are you missing me yet? Cause I’m missing you like crazy. It’s like eversince Ileft st century but it 6

STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer | /// 105 /// in a poem that will eventually in a poem will eventually that 7

8 . I can count on one hand the times hand one on count . I can * ; I am obsessed with the ugliness of desire to to desire obsessedof the; I am ugliness with

Didn’t I treat you right, now baby, didn’t I? didn’t baby, now right, you I treat Didn’t I? didn’t now, I could best the I do Didn’t me leave you So don’t Standing in the shadows of love I’m getting ready for the heartaches to come to heartaches the for ready getting I’m The world is mourning a man and I am mourning a little boy, an almost man, a man man a man, an almost boy, a little mourning am I and man a mourning is world The never enough. is I find him everywhere. of pieces What for I search becoming. child “no the lines write be ruiningand him I might I worrythat parents, Like most mimicry” than other anything learned ever / by has A few days later, I am back on the living room floor, re-reading letters. Laying against against Laying letters. re-reading floor, room the living on back I am later, days A few my on hand his puts me, finds son my reading, I’m thewords mouthing a shelf, Hannah like look something alright?” I must you are “Mom, asks, and shoulder I do this confused. so so is perplexed, Eli, drunk so and to earnest grief. with He seem him like to must it in the open—that out in sadness infrequently—wallow I’m saying smile a and on putting terrible I feel very wrong. gone has something who in between is and video games a nine-year-old tell you else can what but alright, so unlike yourself? here you found has I let the song repeat for hours then days hours for repeat I let the song So when the Four Tops’ rendering of “Standing in the Shadows of Love” spins from from spins Love” of in the Shadows “Standing of rendering Tops’ So when the Four I hear wonder no is it mourning, of in those weeks playlist my on the shuffling the odd rioting, and the police brutality Amidst stuck. get and pleading their rough a man as not this familiar hear I suddenly house, own my over looming disturbance fallen her son: supplicating a mother as but woman his for longing become “Skipping Stones” in Starlight & Error Stones” “Skipping become sooner will weary him one I am make the world and up, be to grown had has son my were parents him, my than older years when a few I was Once to. it I want than it stand I couldn’t When did. they rarely something room, in the living screaming me!” killing You’re it! “Stop yelled, and clenched fists I rushed my in with anymore, to each me, then to first they apologizing, began startled it them so completely and who they part of seen were— already them for I’d done: was the damage but other, recognized growing become: I might who already they’d helpless—and and flawed son. my like gazing, and unsteady mirror, \\\ 106 \\\ | STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer other things, Ifind: Oxfordthe for of English word the Dictionary etymology the “shadow” and, among making plans to lay himto rest, and Four the Tops missive spinning, is still Iscour to climb into it at its core. Hence, my while boys are sleeping, Rumain’s family is pointthe of suffering. Whenwriting, I’ve found best it to fighttrying obsession by weight [they]’ll cradle.”weight [they]’ll problems they face?”, children are a haint and harboring, mothers are “bound by the “Regents Prompt: What are the best ways for step-parents to deal with the special I write inside and around throughout ideas these Error Starlight & of our limbs”, “illusions stacked into akindof mortality.” house is amess of musk and sawdust--/...keels and and caught kin/ scrim net inthe this? Here’sthis? poem: the no longerthey get to keep. And what of generations the weight the of carry all who mothers, women must who rearrange whole their lives to keep ‘doing’ for children upheavalby social the surrounding deaths, their suddenly then demanding activist of ‘martyr case the these children’ like Trayvon or Mike Brown or Rumain, created for what happens to children their by our judgment and questioning. in Thistruer is finally, Iaddress how deathtransforms the mothers too—how they are oftenblamed encapsulate many the pathways to death or roadblocks to keeping living; the and Imove from body; metaphor good ofruining aperfectly to to literal to trying lyric horror the things: enact that accompanies death, oft the unmentioned ugliness and in such aviolent world. to domany and as awhole, In book inthe Itry poem, the continue to question inmy God, faith and persistent the difficulty of maintaining it of what grief, we didn’t say to and for missing. the Poems are place the Ican also accompanies mothering and aging, that is always underlying the foundation inhopes ofI write apoem getting inside obsession—this this helplessness that save us? stars? Can the forgiveness? How dowe transcend mistakes the made of who us? Canmusic those In difficult the landscape the of present, isblack loverevolutionary? Are faith and thing: how dowe keep living beyond our fear? How dowe save what’s coming? • • • •

Image cast by abody intercepting light What fleeting is or ephemeral A phantom; afaintly surviving renown darkness Comparative 10 In the poem “Noble In poem the &Webster, Shadow Sculptures”, “Our 9 11 Iam stuck on difficult the . In the poem . In poem the STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer | /// 107 ///

12 becomes a desire—an obsession—with obsession—with a desire—an becomes bellowing are known I’ve mothers the boys. blue-black of sewn backs the up in badges, pipes, needles, wombs, hands. busy Devil’s the fights, prison letters, become rarely planes, or bullets like as long as free, as good, live rarely blameworthy, or saints become: must shelter mothers but gleaning gods or are holy- son-god, everyof generation—father-god, carved flasks and guns lighters, mothers a table, around gathered Ps. 39:6 – Surely every man walks about like a shadow. like about walks every man – Surely 39:6 Ps. ballad is half-sung a Grief stilledinto ears or stitches trauma: of sites various are There light, visible of wavelengths all unraveling, ropes leave they when aimed Bodies opening, welcome any fireworks, tulips, this enduring women The hope. as we men says Bible The memories. or miracles streets the wandering ghost-children in-between: the curio, the in toys albums, photo in spirit—flexing things left-behind the all initials, with I? didn’t I do the best I could, singing, Didn’t Getting Ready for the Heartache to Come to the Heartache Ready for Getting Light A Bodyor Intercepting Once it is written, I am at least freed from the Four Tops and move on to other fixations. fixations. other to on move and Tops the Four freed least from at I am written, is it Once Starlight & Error for hope overarching My memory) crafted CONQUERS and (layered LOVE life, and work in our proving, married, being after because, this now reading are you FEAR. truth be And, told, through trying a best friend, losing guide others and to bebeing a mom, to ready afraid I’m what be say to is free to it important realized how I’ve will come, losses that times, we even in unimaginable that children, my show to it; dispel to loud, out of nowhere ultimately, is, there in writing, living, In fear. of out way own our create can desires. our and us all than of bigger in things faith deep abiding my but turn else to one know girls “Colored saying: book second by my to closed introduction her Smith present, a God and real that is is that and else, anything they than know more thing \\\ 108 \\\ | STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF LOVE :: Remica L. Bingham-Rischer to sing.” hurtling through ourdawn blessing blood, with a blank canvas us every upon which 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Notes Bingham-Risher, L., Remica Ibid., p. 34. Ibid., p. 54. Bingham-Risher, Error L.,Starlight& Remica Online Shadow. Dictionary English (2017). In Oxford Holland, B., Dozier, H. and Holland E. (1966). “Standing Shadows in the of Bingham-Risher, Error L.,Starlight& Remica Brisbon, Rumain. Personal Letter. Received by L. Bingham-Risher, Remica 10 Bingham-Risher, Error L.,Starlight& Remica Smith, Patricia. (2011). Pearl, “Upward.” In E.Danticat Atwan &R. The (Eds.), Bingham-Risher, Error L.,Starlight& Remica Bingham-Risher, L., Remica 13 white-office-arizona.htm articles/51824/20141204/eric-garner-mike-brown-now-rumain-brisbon- and News Global from (HNGN). http://www.hngn.com/ Retrieved OfficerArizona In Shoots AndKills UnarmedBlack Man. Headlines Garner, Eric 4,2014). (Dec Mike Brown and now, Rumain Brisbon: White Ising shadow, inthis desire, intercepting Ihope abody to inevery be: light. Press, 2013), xv. 2017), 37. www.oed.com Michigan, Motown. (1967) Love” [Recorded by The Four Out Tops]. OnReach 2017), 56. 1997.October 2017), 55. Books. Best American Essays 180–184). (pg. 2011 New York, New York: Mariner 2017), 12. Press, 2013), xv. What We Ask of Flesh, (Wilkes-Barre, PA: Etruscan What We Ask of Flesh, (Wilkes-Barre, PA: Etruscan , (Doha, Qatar: Diode Editions, Diode , (Doha, Qatar: Editions, Diode , (Doha, Qatar: Editions, Diode , (Doha, Qatar: Editions, Diode , (Doha, Qatar: . Retrieved from http://. Retrieved . [Album]. Detroit, NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 109 ///

Ocean Vuong night walks: night up. on addiction, adolescence and art making and art adolescence on addiction, No, it’s like this, for the first time in a long time, I’m in a tryingto heaven, in believe I’m time, in a long time the first this, for like it’s No, overblows this after be can together we place I’m not with you ‘cause I’m at war. ‘Cause it’s already March and the president wants wants the president and March already it’s ‘Cause war. at I’m ‘cause you with not I’m explain. to hard friends. It’s erase my to Because it’s 10:52 pm on a Tuesday and you must be walking home after the closing closing the after be walking home must you and a Tuesday on pm 10:52 Because it’s shift. I am writing you because it’s late. because it’s you writing I am Dear Ma, Take the long way home with me, Ma. me, with home way the long Take Seven of my friends are dead. Four from overdoses. I am twenty-five years old, an age age an old, years twenty-five I am overdoses. from dead. Four friends are Seven my of reached. dead friends have my of none You asked me once what it means to be a writer. So here goes. So here be to a writer. means it what once me asked You // I’m writing you because I’m not the one leaving, but the one coming back, back, coming the one but leaving, the one not because I’m you writing I’m empty-handed. They say every snowflake is different. But the blizzard covers us all the same. ussame. Acovers all the friend blizzard But the is different. Theyevery say snowflake searching a storm, during out who went a painter a story me about told in Norway returned. never and green, of shade the right for \\\ 110 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong floor. that, so drugs hadbodies The blurred their for a moment, Ididn’tfeel Asian In that gutted bus I laughed among skater the layingkids on paint-chipped the metal is truth Thenone of us are enough enough. But youknow already.this say monstrous the of part me got large, so familiar, so Icould want it. Icould love it. switchblade—and something tore. In minutes, more Ibecame of myself, is which to white letter “I” glowed on seat’s the leather. peeling Inside me, “I” the a became an abandoned school bus Ifilled woods, my life inthe with aline of cocaine. A your whole life with it, ifonly briefly. Once, 14, crouchedat seatsthe between of In aworld myriad as ours, gazeis the asingular to at look act: something is to fill // After a month the on Oxy, Trevor’s healed, butankle full-blownhe was a addict. points to. by erased then an air-strike three weeks before war the ended—sheno one is aruin onethe sandals were whose cut from tires the of aburned-out Army jeep, was who ruins truest Theare notwritten down. grandmaCong, girl Go back The in knew during athunderstorm is achain-linked lot. dirt Take aleft on EmmetswhereRd.,that’s all left the of thathouse that burned summer and unaccounted for, inside work. the I never wanted of to build work,” a“body but our to these, preserve form. pill OxyContin, produced by Purdue Pharma in1992, is an opioid, making it heroin in ayearwoods before Imet him.He was 15. Trevor was put on OxyContin after breaking doing his ankle dirt bike jumpsthe in I don’t celebrate my birthday anymore. 112 I amtall, lbs. I 5ft4in. am handsome 3 at exactly angles and deadly at 17.at least apron. stuffingcloset, my mouth with cornbread I had snuck in myblack, standard-issue me any breaks. Where, on hungry a7-hour shift, I would lock the in myself broom Iwaswhen 17. Where Evangelical the fresh boss Christian from Pakistan never gave Take left the on Walnut,whereBoston the you’ll see Marketwhere I worked for a year bodies, breathingbodies, NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 111 /// them—yes—like words in a book. words them—yes—like I’m writing you at the speed of light and blood. That is, I am writing in the voice of voice in the am writing is, I blood. That and the speed light of at you writing I’m species. endangered an // Write that down. that Write It’s late in the season—which means the winter roses, in full bloom along the national the national in full roses, along bloom the winter in the season—which means late It’s notes. suicide bank, are The truth is I’m scared the need to use hasn’t left me. left needuse to hasn’t the scared I’m The truthis The truth is we enter language the way we entered ourselves, alone. alone. ourselves, we entered way the language we enter The truthis Or the way you pronounce spaghetti as “bahgeddy.” “bahgeddy.” as spaghetti pronounce you Or the way Sometimes those reasons are small: the way, sitting on the roof of a doorless shed, the shed, a doorless of the roof on sitting small: the way, are thoseSometimes reasons flames. low of color cheek the on a boy’s hair the fine turns August in late sun 7 pm you How face. his of onyouthe left side think, world, inthe brushfire smallest The for burns it country—so that that be god of to the brief aching look away, couldn’t else. no and one you The truth is I only came here looking for a reason to stay. stay. to reason a for looking here only came The truthis I The truth is the last time I relapsed, back in 2010, I said fuck it. Said I’m not gonna gonna not I’m it. Said I fuck in 2010, said back relapsed, I The truth is time last the be inside simply but anymore, the days count It’s been six years twenty-three days since I used but I made that number up. up. number that I made I used since but days twenty-three been six years It’s // I murdered myself, for I have remembered. remembered. I have for myself, I murdered The sentence is a linear object—but thoughts are not lines. Memory returns, and to and returns, Memory lines. not are thoughts object—but is a linear The sentence itself. is life then, remembering, of The cost with the past. present fillrecall to is the It took me seven years to get clean. Sorry. clean. get to seven me years took It and alone, but like a person beside other people. And the night equalized further us the night And people. beside person a like other but alone, and a cut. around gauze faces. Like black obscuring our by \\\ 112 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong library. are bodies unlegislated the Our archives of ghosts. To alive be isan to be unpillaged hook. the toparallel train, the like it’s following you, like where you’re from won’t letyou off where brickthe my Colt factory works, stepdad you dome rusted the see of asilo— you’re on train the looking across fogged the New England fields, toward beyondand with oxycodone, laced Cocaine, fast and at makes still everything once, like when me inplace, breathing. That’s alie. Writing didn’tsave me, it just kept me busy enough forthe years to hold My words, they’re on still page, the so but on days, outpace good they bullets. the way. this be But you should stay here. You should sing. soonerThe the longeryou dodging, learn to singwhile youstaywill here. It shouldn’t with capacity the body for safety, it which, turns inmotion. out, is perpetually to be safe where, spaces.Atime to live, we had to to learn charge finite the surface of a If you’re reading inyour this next life, know that I’m writing you without inatime Tell me where it hurts. You have my word. is truth The I’m beforeget scaredwill us they get they us. Are you there? Are you walking? still love it. say They nothinglasts forever butthey’re justscared last longerwill it canthan they You responded, hours later, with aphoto of abowlof squash soup you had just made. I wanted to tell you that—but instead Itexted you face. asmiley The thingone I’ve been my entire lifeson. is a That can’t be nothing. smiling he constipated.” looks “I feel for bad Trump,” you went on, watching President the on TV, “even he’s when faces closely you because can’t read. You once said,human “The facelanguage-less—butis tells youtruth.”the You read NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 113 ///

First developed as a painkiller for cancer patients undergoing chemotherapy, chemotherapy, undergoing patients cancer a painkiller as developed for First all bodily soon was for prescribed pain, forms, generic its with along OxyContin, arthritis. and spasms mild muscle as as even ones // I want to believe, walking those aimless nights, that I was praying. For what I’m still I’m what For praying. I was that walking believe, those nights, to aimless I want enough, walked I if far That me. ahead was of wanted I what felt always I But sure. not its of at end the tongue a like up, it hold even it—perhaps find would I enough, long word. Salat al-fajr: a prayer before sunrise. “Whoever prays the dawn prayer in congregation,” in congregation,” prayer the dawn prays “Whoever sunrise. before al-fajr: a prayer Salat long.” night the whole prayed had if he as is “it Muhammad, the prophet said Back in Hartford, I used to wander the streets at night by myself. If I couldn’t I couldn’t If myself. by night at the streets I used wander to BackHartford, in my night, walk. At just the window—and through climb dressed, get I’d sleep, without judgment, without terms, own its space on a public in body exist could I anonymous; beyond I was concrete, oily in theendless there, Out otherness. Arabic. in voice man’s a apartment, street-level of a window lightless the Through as it, used lift he to the tone by Allah. a prayer was I knew it I recognized the word I be could offered. that like which a word the from smallest was arm if the tongue the soft for waiting on the curb, there head I as his sat above floating it imagined but fall, a screw in a guillotine, like to the word I wanted I knewclink coming. was with they grew pinker hands, my and higher, higher and went it voice, His didn’t. it was it up—and I looked finally, until, skinmy intensify each inflection. I watched over. was It dawn. // praying. someone I heard night one Until You taught me that. You taught me by breathing. by me taught You that. me taught You bags, unseen, garbage behind shuffling, animal an was hear all I would nights Some of the scrape down, clicking leaves rusha of overhead, strong suddenly the wind or the on footsteps my only was there mostly, But sight. of oak an out from branches of grass brush gentle or the the a baseball dirtfewstars, or on a under field pavement, median. a highway on was no one. one. no was \\\ 114 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong The question,then, is how do of life,we speak celebrate withoutit, usingthelanguage killing with poetry. You’re knockin ‘em dead. target audience. Good for you, man, aman once said to me at aparty, you’re making a really that The bad? state,where people live,battleground is a state. The audience isa volume on beheading The scene, the violence please? was a bit melodramatic—was it I’m hunting for right the phrase. I’m wrestling with muse. the Canyou crank up the owned that workshop. Ishut it down. We them. Icrushed smashed competition. the novel guns blazing. Iam hammering words, these Iam banging out, them we say. I You we that say. poem, killed You’re it, killing man. You’re akiller. You came into that ourselves? Why can’t language the for creativity language the be also of regeneration? But why can’t Ithoughtbecause my saying it would help it. me believe No, sir, destruction not is necessary for art. I said that, not but I was because certain, white veteran from that war, he my could thinking be grandfather, and Isaid no. connectedtank to hissing his nose him.Ilooked at beside way himthe Idoevery andgaze deep wrought under his black cap stitched with ‘Nam Vet 4 Life oxygen, the prerequisite to His making. art question was genuine. He leaned forward, his blue Once, at awriting conference, awhite man asked was anecessary me ifdestruction // TrevorZeppelin. was 22.Trevor was. Therapy. Trevoralone was in his whenroom he died, surrounded postersby Led of a boy had who aname, wanted who to go to community college to study Physical and regaining his breath, “I I just think deep-throated an invisible cock.” Trevor was Mandy. Borderrescue Collie, Trevor who, after an asthma attack,said, hunched over Trevor was into The Shawshank Redemption and Jolly of Ranchers, Duty and Call his over $3billion. OxyContin for non-cancer pain increased nearly10 reaching with times, total sales less than 1percent of addicted. This users was became alie. By 2002, prescriptions of safe, “abuse-resistant” means of managing pain. The company went on to claimthat Using amulti-million dollar adcampaign, Purdue OxyContin sold to doctors as a that demographic. patients, means which there is only much so profit the drug producercan make off This mass prescription the of was no accident.pill There are soonly many cancer we fathom creation without annihilation, without going to war with NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 115 ///

My doctor, rubbing his five o’clock shadow, suggested that addiction, in many cases, many in addiction, that suggested shadow, o’clock five his rubbing doctor, My I got on. went he brain, in my the chemicals It’s disorder. be bipolar could linked to Theyhave the other. or one of enough get I don’t rather, or Ma, chemicals, the wrong get rich people youknow Did They millions. make an industry. Theyhave it. for a pill to look I want American sadness. of meetto millionaire the I want of sadness? off serve country.” to my been honor an “It’s say, and hand, his shake him in the eye, // That was then. This is now. And you and I, we are the last part of now—which means now—which means of part arethelast we and I, you And now. is This was then. That stopping. no there’s Her sons were Kevin and Kyle. Kevin, two years older than me, overdosed on heroin. heroin. on overdosed me, than older years two Kevin, Kyle. and Kevin were sons Her to a moved Marsha that After also overdosed. one, the younger Kyle, later, years Five remain. signs stop The sister. in Coventry her with park mobile We had many stop signs on our block. They weren’t always there. There was this There there. always weren’t They block. our on signs stop many had We like hair had and overweight was She the block. down Marsha named woman white door, to door go would She thick bangs. with cut mullet a kind of rancher, a lesbian in signs in stop put to a petition for signatures diabetic her leg, gathering on hobbling wants she and the door, at Ma told she herself, boys two has She the neighborhood. all when they be the kids to safe play. Staring into the screen, she said, “Well maybe they should have a stop sign, then.” sign, then.” a stop have maybe they should “Well said, the she screen, into Staring it’s a cliff.” it’s One afternoon, while watching TV with Lan, we saw a herd of buffaloof run, herd a we TV saw with whileLan, watching afternoon, One technicolor in thundering of them row steaming whole cliff, a off a file, single mouth her asked, she like that?” do die themselves “Why mountain. the off to, mean “They the spot, on don’t up something I made Like usual, open. know don’t They all. That’s family. their following just They’re Grandma. Sorry, just felt like saying that. saying like felt just Sorry, The truth is we don’t have to die if we don’t feel like it. feel like we don’t die if to have we don’t The truth is // of death? If we cut ourselves off from our bellicose roots, can we still be replanted; stillwe replanted; our roots, can be bellicose from off ourselves cut we If death? of also is a hem? the wound of the edge that forgetting without thrive we can \\\ 116 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong The truth is truth The can we our lives, survive but not our skin. But youknow already.this Therethat was aliein line and yousaw it. walking. Keep everagain.nobody the insideis, if truth The of my mouthtasted like Ranchers,Jolly I wouldn’tkiss Theregreenish was a lightthat in line and yousaw it. Once, anklebone the of ablond boy underwater. is truth The my Alwaysrecklessnessbody-width. is been. has forfries me, cold inhis lap. through window, the peering abagof Burger King with burger aveggie and small through dark the streets looking for me, passenger, inthe Lan his pinched face pale lips and my empty head night all under Route the 2overpass. It was 2007. You driving At my worst Iwas down to ninety-two pounds, aBlack and Mild hanging from my // Yay, Isay, swallowing my pills. There was awar,TV mansays, the but it’s “lowered now.” as longBecause as you’re there’s on earth, always more land. don’t have like buffaloes. to the be Youcan stop. Youcan wait untilthere’s moreland. if my sadness is my actually most brutal teacher? And lesson the is always You this: knowing that, or sooner later, yet another be there will cliff the on side? other What bridge appears out of nowhere, and you find yourselfrunningeven faster across, What you if, all when have before seeing been you is acliff, thisthen and bright sphere of medicine? tonight is children’s huge book and ridiculous my most faithful and feeble What beacon? ifI’m outside running moon the because home, that it’s pizza night sometimes because pizza night is more than enough, is I jump up and down and kiss you hard too on upon neck the Ilearn, when coming not another “bipolar episode” but something we fought goddamned hard for? Maybe othered.be They areboth mine. them. I whatmade And if—whatjoythe if we feel is I don’t want my sadness othered to be from me just as Idon’t want my happiness to over maple the line, sight the of it acool NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 117 ///

take me out. out. take me If they come for me, take me, me home for they come If I woke one night to the sound of wings in the room. It sounded like a pigeon had had a pigeon like sounded It in the room. wings of the sound to night one I woke I switched ceiling. the against its body thrashing opened window, the through flown sneaker his the floor, on sprawled Trevor I saw eyes adjusted, my As the lamp. on basement. in his were We the seizure. under the wall rippled he as against kicking arm, my down spreading mouth his from foam head, his I held in a war. were We the It was already he lived. hospital, in the night, That Daddy. his for screamed and measured? not if art was What // ricochets? but quantity by measured not if art was What Get at me. Get at it, shoot to offer his I declined needles. When of scared because I’m heroin did I never between teeth, his pointed with arm his around charger the phone tightening Trevor, he Then one.” little tampon, your dropped you like “Looks chin, his with feet my smiled.winked, second time. second In 2005, Johnson & Johnson began the distribution of a synthetic version of heroin heroin of version a synthetic of began the distribution & Johnson Johnson 2005, In 10 times more is Fentanyl Prince). of the death to (the drug attributed called Fentanyl // Let me tie my shadow to your feet and call it friendship, I said to myself. to I said call friendship, it and feet your to shadow Let tie me my Let me stay here until the end, I said to the lord, and we’ll call even. it we’ll and the lord, to I said the end, until here Let stay me He was my father, undressing after work. I am trying to end the memory. But the But am trying I memory. to end the work. after undressing father, my was He back. take it can’t you is forever about thing The first time I saw a man naked he seemed forever. forever. he man naked seemed saw a I time first The The truth is one nation, under drugs, under drones. Get at me. me. at Get drugs, under drones. under nation, one The truthis The one good thing about national anthems is that we’re already on our feet, and and feet, our on already we’re is that anthems national goodabout one thing The run. to ready therefore \\\ 118 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong windows he can’t so he facehe the prays. makes while see a man rooms through the walks all at bat, night smashing with abaseball out the Truth is none of us has beautiful, to just be warm, like alived-in house. One where // You and I,we were Americans until we opened our eyes. I’dsee. we’d like to think never close. without its skull, couldn’t shut. I’d evenwithout like to think, ourselves, we could still That night,thumb his hooked in my mouth, I remembered howthe raccoon’s eyes, If aknife is most aknife through cutting, is through most abody abody hunger. then sightthe of us. Augustin the breeze. Afew feet away, apair grained of with dirt, eyes,stunned by green of glow-in-the-dark stars animal’s indaylight.the bed Onhis truck pelt rippled skin araccoon he had shot with his granddad’s Smith &Wesson, by his teeth the then Take aright, Ma. There’sthe overgrown field where one summer I watched Trevor // That meant nothing, but you have it now. The black sparrowthis morning on windowsill:my a charredpear. I wake up, lunge for phone. the appears, young and warm and enough. think it’s gonna rain today. Ilay there dark, inthe mouthing words the until his face of Chevy, the tapping beat the on red the exterior. Humankind overflowing is / And I it—suddenly, lulls inour between conversations, his arm hanging out window the He’s singing Nina Simone, music whose Iintroduced himto, way the to hesing used died. Horror hearing Kevin’s story: voice my Iclose when eyesat night four years after he Horror “Johnson story: &Johnson: Afamily company.” more and more heroin with Fentanyl. is laced being potent than street heroin and first the time can kill it’sBecause potency,this of used. NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 119 /// What do you do waking up after that? What do you do knowing you had a body that had a body you that do knowing you do What that? after do waking up do you What Once, a soldier on leave from Iraq fucked me so hard I flickered between his arms. I arms. between his I flickered so me hard fucked Iraq from leave a soldier on Once, We skin. our off sparks in slamming The salt storm. bulb in a a like off, and on came pearl-white His knuckles the river. for raising fire, on both horses, running: two were still myself. somehow myself, of out in and I blacked throat, my around How many times have they told you you won’t make it here? But not only have you you have only not But here? it make won’t you you they told times have many How making. are you here, make you here, it made This is what I mean when I tell them I grew up in New England. I am not talkingnot am I New England. up in tell I mean I them grew I when is This what gold and red by flanked roads the Red Socks, or autumnal or the Patriots about to picking pumpkin or apple offering stands farm quintessential or trees, deciduous talking I am about numbers. talking L.L. BeanI am about jackets. donning families hands. your on exceed the fingers dead do not your of if the names are you lucky how // One of us, tonight, is inside out. out. inside is tonight, us, of One Are you cold? Don’t you think it’s strange that to be warm is to basically touch the basically be to touch is to warm that strange think it’s you Don’t cold? you Are marrow? its of body the temperature with After all, we are here only once. once. only here are we all, After Three weeks after Trevor died a trio of tulips in an earthenware pot stopped me in stopped pot earthenware an in tulips died of a Trevor trio after weeks Three still eyes sleep, glazed my from and, abruptly woken I had mind. my the middle of own their emitting theflowers the petals for hitting directly light the dawn mistook burning own my thinking seeing cups, I was a miracle, the glowing to I crawled light. then off, turned the tulips and the rays head blocked my closer, when I got But bush. change nothings some But nothing,know. I means This dazed. I shifted, as again on everything them. after The closest I’ve ever come to god was the silence that filled me after orgasm. In the orgasm. after filledgod me silenceto was the that come ever I’ve closest The his along the baseball I touched trophies who skinned raccoons, the boy of room seeing. my only with me, god touches thebookshelf way Be still. Can you hear it, the wind driving the river behind the Episcopal church on on church behind the Episcopal the river the driving wind it, Be hear still. Can you Wyllis? Truth is the page is a bandage, the words seeping through. through. seeping the words a bandage, is thepage is Truth \\\ 120 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong like teeth marks.like teeth The oldestgrave Cowderholds a (1784-1784). Mary-Anne on House past cemetery the Go St. The onewith headstonesso wornthe names look there is truth The are as many regretsthere as are words. overcast day inFebruary, apink and white dream catcher blades. the between tangled wired fenceOn abarbed surrounding an abandoned sanatorium seaside on an How come my each time hands hurt me, become more they mine? Can you hear me? there, I was asound changing into its echo. Horror In back of the acar doing story: 90on I-85, my veins burning with what Iput on your leash andyou call necessary. wantwill They you to succeed, but never morewrite will thantheir them. namesThey In our light, best we were light. the they is—totruth Theus erase mustpagethe live they burn on. a farmboy’s fist. me, you can shake wheat the nameless and be still as cokedust on tender the sideof obstacles by wrapping myself around You them. can make it home way. this Believe Ma,Dear from wind, the asyntax Ilearned for forwardness, how to move through Ma,Dear ifyou me wherever see you’re Iprayed then headed, correctly. // were made right? How many mirrors have you to prove tried wrong only to discover, late, too that you Hey you, Isaid one night to myself, let this body not merely be apoint of departure. moved. A page, turning, is awingwith lifted twin, no thereforeand no flight. And yet we are you,mind. Icalled asked what you from needed store. the even inpleasure, killed, could be but was spared? first Ididthe thingthat came to

NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 121 /// above all. Let’s look at how it’s made, they’ll made, it’s how look at all. Let’s above There was that night when, after riding our bikes for two hours so Trevor could score could score Trevor hours so two for bikes our riding after when, night was that There school elementary in the unlit sat we East Hartford, of the outskirts on Fentanyl he as I watched up. shot just had He us. beneath creaking the swings playground, // You know this already. this already. know You They will take from your roots and call it discovery. They will call it innovation. But They will it innovation. call it discovery. calland roots your They will take from ingenuity. not is amnesia This does not mean every story, decrypoem,should syntacticalshould unit a mean politics, every doesThis not story, be you, inside should, it but too narrow), a side is the even idea of a side (for pick time? in here, I arrive did how and Why a gaze demands which through filtered Because an apolitical life has never existed, will never exist, because we, all of us in us all of will because we, exist, never existed, never has life Because apolitical an to is apolitical is one say To the a political very history. of total are sum the present, skeleton. no has one that father, or mother no has one that say They will tell you that superior art is one that “breaks free” from the political, thereby thereby the political, from free” “breaks one that artis superior that Theyyou willtell truths.” “universal towards people uniting difference, the barriers of transcending They’ll craft is achieved through this say own. your often and is extinction, erasure “well-crafted” for Because the reward merely to to is be be merely political that theyyou willtell promise, a like like gravity, Then, They willspeak of the empty. and “raw” artless, depthless, therefore and angry, As the Bunny. Easter or Claus Santa if speaking as of embarrassment, political with water, of a bottle as mundane (even something life one’s and world one’s of write if to protected, distributed, its how accessibility, and source its examinations: brief under life. human from exception a rare is political actions) from made is sold, if the first As it. created that the alien impulse is to made is something if how say—as form. the human considering without existence into hammered was chair // Is it wrong that I always miss you more than I remember you? I remember than more you miss I always that wrong it Is In Vietnamese, the word for missing someone and remembering them is the same the same them is remembering and someone missing for the word Vietnamese, In I flinch, khong? me nho Con the phone, over me ask when Sometimes, you nho. word: me? remember Do you meant thinking you \\\ 122 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong “Again, bitch.” “I’m acocksucker” swaying her head, Isaid it, looking right into eyes. their was there, Lan me to sheneed Because because be. was mumbling inVietnamese and other boys repeated command. the wordthewill knew They marks whatme as they go home. on boy’s the I focused voice, how it had pressed on verge the of rage. The Say it, boy the demanded. Come on, bitch. Say it and you and your crazy grandma can around, delirious, plastic the bags pulling on her arms. father, whose them, like my father, inprison, was also stepped to my face. looked Lan from store the Iwas withsurrounded Lan, by agroup of neighborhood boys. One of Are you at bus the stop Harris between and yet, Risley back where, walking while Round corner the by traffic the light that, this at hour, blinks yellow. // and succeeding. and blood-shot.glazed Ibreathed smoke, sweet inthe scalding fightingback tears— Trevor had inmy slipped abogie mouth, and lit it. Theflame flashed in his eyes, somethingThen grazed my mouth. I clenchedStartled, my lips around it anyway. “That’s crazy.” laughed,He the clipped one you to use thicknessthetest of asilence. gay,” not knowing what Imeant. I couldn’t tell ifby “really” he meant gay very I’m when good be creaking, “I I’ll think 30, you know?” his sneakers. “You you’ll think gay, really be like, forever? Imean,” swing the stopped he said. His though?” true swing kept creaking, but woodchips the stopped grating his slurred voice, Icould tell that his eyes were “Uh closed. Iasked. huh?” “Is it, like, can crawl through, violet looked deep of the a giant bruise. “Hey, From Little Dog?” through during recess. In dark the sky-blue the hippo, its mouth open where you Now woodchips his the sneakers that, grazed earlier day inthe graders ran 4th past black the ticks on cylinder. the edges, browning, he stopped. Then thehe and took needle suckedthe clear liquid gathered into asticky at pool center. the When plastic the to started at warp the held a flamethe under transdermal adhesive,plastic untilthe Fentanyl bubbled and or truly gay Isaid,, so “Yeah, I’m really NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 123 /// Let me explain. Once, while driving through a desert in New Mexico, I saw a red a red I saw a desert Mexico, while through Once, driving in New Let explain. me its I drove, as larger grew It ancient. something like the horizon of risestallion out But you don’t have to build a cage. You can build a horse. a horse. build can You a cage. build to have don’t you But The truth is words, abstract as they are, can be solid as cages. as can be cages. solid abstractas are, they words, The truthis // If there’s a heaven, I don’t think I wanna go. go. think I wanna I don’t a heaven, there’s If You asked me what it’s like to be a writer and I’m giving you a mess. But it’s a mess, a mess, it’s But a mess. you giving I’m be and to a writer like it’s what me asked You after allthe is, writing what That’s down. it I made this making up. not Ma—I’m vision a larger angle, new merciful a offers the world solow down getting nonsense, exactly the size of fog of sheet a monstrous suddenly small the lint things, of made bath thein all-night see the steam and thick it look through you eyeball. And your of flute the trapped over stopped me, to out reached a hand where in Flushing, house the velvet the feeling, but to, belonged touch the face that saw I never collarbone. my thinking what be art: to touched, not that everywhere was Is it, me. of inside heat us? who found in longing, human, another was it in the end, ours—when, is feel we The truth is I’m not well. They got me on Prozac and Ativan, which makes everything makes which Ativan, and Prozac on me got They well. not I’m The truthis driftwoodof of a piece size the to clinging up I wake Each morning, away. so far myself. They say the ship is sinking—and yet they keep making cannons instead of lifeboats. of lifeboats. instead yet keepmaking they cannons is sinking—and ship the They say After making her a peanut butter sandwich, we sat, the TV painting our faces the the we sat, TV painting sandwich, butter her a making peanut After okay, anymore, be a scarecrow “Don’t said, me, to turned ink, she smudged of blue then smaller by hand, her serious, real me at looked this said she Dog?” she Little As it. lost I almost I swear and back, my on resting mine, than Later, at home, Lan asked me what they were doing back there. And I lied, said they said lied, I And there. back doing they were what me Lan asked home, at Later, to had you where her, I told game, the scarecrow just was It a game. playing were I said, endurance, of a test was verystand It still while names. called the boys you smiling. The boy stepped back, the others roared from the edge of their shadows. They slapped They slapped shadows. of their the edge from roared others stepped back, the The boy to life. They came over. doubled their knees and “I’m a cocksucker.” a “I’m \\\ 124 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong I’m writing fast as Ican. Canyou feel it? cool, inmy mouth. Green Apple. door, the closest, closed sat down tight in the dark, and candy, the placed gently and turning it that so it caught light the from window. the inside Thenthe Iwalked jokes. The of memory laughterour “Tell is inside it. what me youknow,” whispered, I to evening the Trevor and Iparked liquor inthe store lot singing off key and telling unwrapped it, held it my between fingers. This cube of sugar, thought, I was a witness an old coat. It was from Trevor’s He truck. always kept in his them cup holder. I While cleaning my one closet afternoon I found a RancherJollypocketthe in of // Keep going down Hubbard. If you forget me, you’ve then gone far. too Turn back. life. gaveBess, himalong kiss. In doing so, key that himthe she passed would save his Before Houdini made his famous straight jacket Thames inthe escape River, hiswife, just-shotthe doe. We have will to cut it open, you lifted, and I,like anewborn red trembling,and from I know. It’s not fair that word the laughter just to killed to prove be worth the of men. small You break will down bars the and build yourself ahorse, aGoliath that not does need built hogs on on of cries way the their truck-loaded to slaughter. But you know better. and say it’s freedom of that speech, it’s always way. this been That wasthis country giveAnd you will yet they acage and tell yougive grateful. towill be They youcage a made ofbeast lost things. Awriter, ifnothing else, is ajunkyard artist. “heightened.” No language is low, too rearranged when base too into jaw the of a Don’t convince letthem you that writing is only worthy “elevated” when or machines; ahorse written with debris. ajoint glass bulbed the hip inthe It socket. was asculpture made from pieces of dead of eviscerated tractors. Forming femur the was an entire lamppost standing upright, to itshewn rustedthe flanks, gears, sheets of from reddishstripped metal the side it by exhaust the foot, didIsee pipes bridge the running of its snout, hubcaps the the 20 ft.in air, darkening its head car.my when I Only pulled over, approached mane touching mesas punctuating the spines. the As Ineared, animal the grewnearly is trapped inside slaughter. NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong | /// 125 /// What were we before we were we? We must’ve been standing by the shoulder of a of the shoulder by been standing must’ve We we? were we before we were What I felt now. are we like been disappearing, must’ve We dirt while burned. road the city the smoke. still because face through I could knew see alive I was your but nothing my it was seeing, That world. little my head, my inside you keep to eyes worked My truest hunger. act of It is said, and I believe it, that even the person you bump into on the street is the one the one is the street on into bump even the you person that I believe it, and said, is It life. past in your met you’ve There’s the upstairs window where, one night long ago, I woke to a blizzard, the street street the blizzard, to a woke I ago, long night one where, window upstairs the There’s ended. things know didn’t and six or globe. five I was a snow inside one like below god’s touching beyond, brim—then the sky’s to continue would the snow I thought of floor the across scattered the equations chair, reading his in he dozed as fingertips no and stillness all would we be sealedblue-white a morning by inside That study. his leave. to have would one No be heaven. taken to would one Head around the bend, past the second stop sign with the word “H8” spray-painted spray-painted “H8” sign the word with stop the the second past bend, around Head left side darker its with the one the grey house, toward Walk the bottom. on in white the highway. furnace across the scrapyard’s from blown exhaust from We’re almost there. there. almost We’re A body beside a body inside a life. That’s called parataxis. That’s called the future. calledfuture. the That’s called parataxis. A body That’s beside a body a life. inside This way, you brush a little longer. You get a little cleaner. get a little You longer. brush a little you way, This Yes, there’s such a thing as useful sadness, like brushing your teeth in a motel teeth in a motel your useful as a thing brushing like sadness, such there’s Yes, TV on the bed, curled watching on are parents your imagining adult an as bathroom took. never you vacation American an If you’re reading this, and you’re in the next life, and you’re a girl named Rose (again) Rose(again) girl a named you’re and life, thein next you’re this, and reading you’re If a raised bed on in covers your under you’re If war. by short a childhood cut with not here, us, recognize books, you’ll maybe favorite your by surrounded room a lamp-lit hands. in your To be loved well is a rare thing; to love well even rarer. But you know this already. know you But rarer. even well love to thing; a rare is well be loved To Is the red wool scarf I got you warm enough? warm you scarf wool I got the red Is I’m not with you because I’m at war with everything but you. everything with you. war but at because I’m you with not I’m \\\ 126 \\\ | NIGHT WALKS :: Ocean Vuong Good lord,Good Green Apple. Goodbye. Goodnight. luck. Good Hey. If you find yourself,then your hands are yours to keep. ofmemory breaking. darkthis inside body. the Where like heart, any the law, beats for no reason but its Hey, ifyou find yourselftrapped inside adimming world, remember alwaysit was I’m Ikeep saying How sorry are you? Ireally when mean Are you happy? I know is this only paper—but my take hand. Things here are often elsewhere. Green Apple. I’m Idon’t sorry enough. call As “little” arule, is always than “small.” smaller Don’t ask me why. more.As be arule, more. is afield—itgrid always was there—where be lost wrong,is to be never to but simply Remember, like streets, can rules, the only you take to known knowing joy would tear stitches the from our lips. was amyth.our But survival they’re wrong. You and I,we were real. We laughed snowLike covering of city, particulars the the say we will never they happened, that Green Apple. places. Underneath the ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez | /// 127 /// Introduction Craig Santos Perez Santos Craig , I attended the Ph.D. program in Comparative Ethnic Ethnic in Comparative program the Ph.D. , I attended . I studied multicultural and international poetry poetics international and and multicultural studied I . on writing from unincorporated territory unincorporated from on writing I did not start writing poetry seriously until my family migrated to California when to migrated poetry start writing family I did not my until seriously very have to fortunate was high and school a public I attended old. years 15 I was Poetry literature. selection of a multicultural whotaught teachers English inspiring the traumas express to and homeland my to connected stay to me for became a way of the University at student undergraduate an as writing I continued migration. of I studies. interdisciplinary in majored I California, Southern where in Redlands poets with I studied art history. and writing, creative in literature, focused courses on Daniel and Bill McDonald the literary scholars and Ralph Angel, and Manesiotis Joy Dostoevsky and novelist the Russian on essays included projects senior My Kiefer. of exhibit an portfolio; writing a creative Tintoretto; painter, renaissance the Italian paintings. scale multimedia a series large and of photography; environmental my between aesthetics, ethics and all I focused the relationship theseIn on projects, San of theUniversity when I attended explore to continue I would a relationship mfa my for Francisco focused on coursework my While California, Berkeley. of the University at Studies Stories are an important part of my indigenous Chamorro culture. Stories are ocean- are Stories culture. Chamorro indigenous my part of important an are Stories hopes, fears, politics, ethics, histories, carry customs, that memories, vessels our going understand better to order in from come we where us teach Stories dreams. and by surrounded I was Guam, on up Growing the future. navigate to and the present the around talkingstories loved uncles and aunties grandparents, parents, My stories. my hearing loved I always the barbecuechurch. table, grill,dining after the beach, or interweave. their voices to talk-story listening and relatives mfathe I completed After with Aaron Shurin, Rusty Morrison, Truong Tran, Rob Halpern, D.A. Powell, Paul Paul Powell, D.A. Halpern, Rob Tran, Truong Morrison, Rusty Shurin, Aaron with of book first my become later would thesis mfa Gevirtz. Susan My and Hoover, poems. \\\ 128 \\\ | ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez there will be something be ofthere will interest to writers both and scholars. with abibliography of scholarship that written has been about my work. Hopefully For remainder the of essay, this myinmore discuss Iwill poetics and end detail will postcolonial, hybrid, documentary, and poetics. ecological in an form experimental that on is modeled frameworks from Pacific, indigenous, culture and memories of Chamorros at home and abroad. poems Theare written around 350 pages) attempt to articulate Guam and’s history politics, as well as the and(2014), unincorporated territory [saina] [saina] territory unincorporated [hacha] its own name territory inChamorro: unincorporated from territory unincorporated For past the ten years, I have working been from ofon titled books a series of has this helped me tell my own of story my family, culture, and homeland. involved with decolonial, demilitarization, and environmental justice All activism. and indigenous rights movements. This connection becomeme led also to has stories can mobilize human rights, rights, civil environmental rights, animal rights, oppression, slavery, genocide, migration, and other injustices. how learned Ialso how stories can inspire and empower people have who people, especially experienced mentored by writers and scholars from differentgroups, ethnic and I have learned culturesin all and across histories and national borders. Ihave studied and have been My and poetics. teachers have inpoetry beliefs taught me importance the of stories I share my educational biography it because has shaped my practice, pedagogy, and Giscombe, Hass, Robert and Arteaga. Alfred andmeet engage of with renowned their several faculty, including Lyn Hejinian, C.S. And eventhough Iwas not English inthe department, Ihad opportunity the to on expressionsfocused of indigenous identity incontemporary Chamorro literature. I independently studied Pacific IslanderLiterature and Theory, and my dissertation Beth Piatotewith Theory and Hertha Sweet Wong. part As of my doctoral area exams, Literaturewith Sau-Ling and Theory Wong, and Native LiteratureAmerican and I studied literature Latinx with Jose and David theory Saldivar, Asian American scholars approached who literature through an studies ethnic lens. For example, studiesethnic and racetheory, critical Iwas fortunate to study with many literary (2017). These books (totalingbooks (2017). These [lukao] territory unincorporated from . Thus far, four volumes have completed,been eachwith (2010), from unincorporated territory [guma territory unincorporated from from (2008),from ’] ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez | /// 129 /// The ” Poetics m from ‘I’m from I say, ” or “harvest “gather ” + carpere In the preface to my first book of poems, I wrote: poems, book wrote: I of first my to the preface In from ex- “out ” from Guam, USA.’ ‘Guam, named is Guam maps, On some m from ‘I’m from I say, island; a small, unnamed is Guam maps, On some ” from? you are “Where The imagination is an ocean of possibilities. I imagine the blank page as an excerpt excerpt an as blank page the imagine I of an possibilities. ocean is imagination The genealogy, myth, rumor, history, heavy with and thestoried ocean. is The of ocean ” nullius. “aqua not is The ocean plastic. even and the dead, life, money, war, loss, genealogies, histories, customs, beliefs,values, cultural for vessels are Oceanicstories protest Stories geographies. and generations weave Stories memories. and politics, revitalization, cultural promote and articulate colonialism, of the ravages mourn and decolonization. express and imagine and 2. Write Oceanic 2. Write textual its body; is invisible word the of the part visible The island. an is Each word the from emerging Words meaning. of mountain the submerged is the word part of a sentence, part is of every island, word an just is word No forming. islands silence are and currents. waves referential by space The is defined between archipelago. an From also indicates an excerpt or a passage quoted from a source. My own passage passage own My a source. from quoted a passage or excerpt an also indicates From existence; an excerpted living like feels California often to Guam from migration and to me for Poetry a way is homeland. in my heart still lives my here, bodywhile lives my migratory and processional, viaspaces these the transient, excerpted together bring seemingly books, and my each of poems, and my Each of the page. of cartographies incompleteness. and weight its bears and carries I take, theevery from breath storyof volcanoes submerged of consists truly never The then,page is blank. page, meaning. of depths unfathomable and from excerptus: “pluck excerptus: out from ’” States. the United a territoryof t exist; I point to an empty space in the Pacific and say, say, and in the space Pacific empty an to doesn I point ’t exist; Guam maps, “On some ’ here. ‘I’m from ’ place. this unnamed From indicates a particular time or place as a starting point; from refers to a specific to refers from point; a starting a particular as place time or indicates From a instrument, an agent, an a cause, imagines from limits; two of the first as location differentiates from exclusion; or removal, separation, marks from origin; an or source, borders. 1. Write from: from: 1. Write \\\ 130 \\\ | ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez The first bookThe first series, the of form. book, book, together and time house space(the or as spatial and book temporal). The fourth orwhich past.third the Thebook, means house or home, was an attempt to weave I chose name, the [elder], to resist that linearity and instead highlight genealogy, first island, first voice.booksecond be second, While to the named, one might expect and [home]. Mygiven first wasbook the name [hacha], to mark book,theit firstas archipelago has its own unique name. The namestranslatedcanbe as [one], [elder], an archipelago has aname, such as Marianas the Archipelago, eachisland of the titlesThe are meant to mark and name different books series.the in same Just as andbehind. left upon memories the that Ihave with me, carried as well that as all Ihave forgotten how island the has changed and how my of idea home has changed. meditate Ialso own return to my home island after living awayCalifornia) (in for 15 years. Iexplore cultural identity, migration and colonialism. Furthermore, [guma andechoes enlarges through earlier the themes books the of family, militarization, [guma territory unincorporated thatthird Thefrom book, same period. territory [saina] on (2010), my focused grandmother ’s contrasting during experience Japan by on my grandfather’s life and on experience Guam island the when was occupied complications of ongoing colonialism and militarism — me, complexity the of of story the Guam and Chamorro the people — learning, listening, sharing, and nature storytelling informed serial the of work. the To territory unincorporated GuamBecause of is part an archipelago, geography the inspired form the of my from and listening across archipelago. the islands, yet unique and different. travelingakin to is series ina books theReading an archipelago, inan ongoing books the are series related and woven to other the is an archipelago, series A book abirthing and formation of book-islands. Like of and history genealogy, culture and politics, scars and bone and blood. book-islandThe vibrates withthe complexity the of present moment theand depths living and human dead,the the and non-human, the multiple voices and silences. landscapewell as and auniquebook-island The poetic seascape. is inhabited the by An individual is an book island with aunique linguistic geography and ecology, as 3. Write Archipelagic from unincorporated territory [lukao] territory unincorporated from s military during World’s military War unincorporated second from book, II.The book series. Additionally, series. book unfolding the nature of memory, from unincorporated territory [hacha] territory unincorporated from (2017), includes themes of creation, birth, inspired ongoing the serial focuses on’] focuses my (2008), focused (2008), focused entangled inthe (2014), ’] (2014),

ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez | /// 131 /// ’s s Maximus. ’s Maximus. from aerial “from I employ this I employ and in its body, the tilde body, in its is that my long poem long my that is and Olsonand “A,” is divided into two opposite halves on on halves opposite two divided into is ” the Andoumboulou. of “Songs ’s always eluding the closure of completion. of the closure eluding ” always and Mackey ” ’s Zukofsky ’s Trilogy, H.D. Paterson, “Passages ’s appear in both my first and second from and Thesebooks). second threaded first differ poems in both my appear ” long poem:” Pound the “long of study my through also formed project multi-book My parenthood, money, climate colonialism, militarization, migration, and extinction. and migration, militarization, colonialism, climate money, parenthood, procession. of means the book, [lukao], name The Chamorro ’ Williams Cantos, I also became intrigued by how certain poets as poems: trans-book how such write I also became by intrigued Duncan will always contain the “from, contain will always I loved how these books were able to attain a breadth and depth of vision and voice. voice. and vision of depth and a breadth attain to able these books how were I loved poems” other “long and project my between difference One kind of trans-book threading in my own work as poems change and continue across across continue and poems as change work own in my threading trans-book kind of ” tidelands the poems “from from excerpts example, books (for One incessant typographical presence throughout my work is the tilde is (~). Besides work my throughout presence typographical incessant One “tide” the word containing and ocean current an resembling I use diagrams, maps, illustrations, collage visual poetry as a way to foreground the visual poetry collage foreground to illustrations, way a as maps, I usediagrams, used have maps as Just navigation. and between mapping, storytelling, relationship I believe typographical), poetry sometimes visual, (sometimes both can illustrations visual literacy. our disrupt and enhance 4. Write Cartographic 4. Write at end the Europe in developed Ocean the Pacific of representations Cartographic the Pacific maps: into incorporated whenthewere Americas century, the 15th of maps, world European America. In and Asia separating space became a wide empty “Oceania” and the center placed at is Europe many on Guam of book, first invisibility the my to in the preface I mention As roots their that numbering of the linearity because I resist ’s work Mackey and Duncan employs. work of a change the tilde used is indicate to languages, uses. In intriguing many has work my in of discourse kinds different I use many know, you As pronunciation. in a shift the indicate to the tilde meant is and etc.) personal, political, (historical, (i.e. equivalence the tilde used is show to mathematics, poeticdiscursive In frame. have or familialnarratives personal that show to I want work, my x~y). Throughout discourses. andpolitical historical official to importance equivalent an new data incorporated every new imperialism progressed, voyage As the margins. new maps. into \\\ 132 \\\ | ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez Briggs, Robert J. Robert Briggs, “There Michael Lujan.Bevacqua, Song “The Maps of Craig Santos Perez.” Baxter, Katherine and Lytton Smith. “Writing in Translation: Sullivan’s Robert Notes inhaling and exhaling. In way, this and books words become moving islands, expanding and contracting, canoe, reading songs the inorder to navigate archipelago the of and memory story. Guam across historical and diasporic distances. I imagine reader the is in astill With inmind, this Iimagine that are poems song maps of my own to journey find youthen know that island is nearby (thus, it has figuratively, expanded). and contract. For example, ifyou an offshore see bird associated withisland, acertain fish, and waves moveall inconcert. Islands not only move, but islands expandalso songs, canoe is the conceptualized as remaining stars, the while islands, still, birds, Scholars and navigators technique this as describe reading stars, the efflorescence, ocean wave currents, and fish and migrations.bird to are often understood literacy,as a“visual ” seafarers navigate and oceanic archipelagic spaces.Pacific navigational techniques “Song maps” of place and people. abstract, aerial view of view “Guam abstract, aerial tell never an show they abstracted story), us human the voices of a place. I place this While mapsbook. can locate, chart, and represent (and through representation this meant to provide acounterpoint stories to actual the that are told throughout the “Guam, restthe of work. the In my imagination, intwo function ways: they first, centerthey The a signifier. ishope to an for enact emerging my map of poetry “Guam maps “read actual maps“actual ” military strategy.military ” Green Letters: Studies (2016). inEcocriticism (2015). Geographies (2.2)(2016): 263-283. Star Waka and Craig Santos Perez’s from unincorporated territory.” Literary whether actual maps actual —whether or maps the of—has history always haunted me. One ” ” a locating signifier often omitted from many Second, maps. the maps are the naturalthe world inorder to make safe landfall. The key features include refer to songs, the chants, and oral stories that were created to help in my first book are, poems to bothillustrationsandvisual me, of ’s no place Home): (Like Craig Santos as Perez’s poetry ” alongside more the and embodied rooted portraits in the sense that sense in the anavigator has able to be “moving islands ” both as aplaceboth and as ” because in these in these because Transmotion 1.1 ON WRITING :: Craig Santos Perez | /// 133 ///

, Volume 3, Issue 2, 2011. 3, Issue , Volume Craig Santos Perez and Myung Mi Kim: Voicing the Integral the Integral Voicing Kim: Mi Myung and Perez Santos “Craig Asian American Literature: Discourses and Pedagogies 5 (2014): Pedagogies and Discourses Literature: American Asian territory [saina]. Spoon River Poetry Review River Spoon territory [saina]. (2013). Poetry in American Geography Cultural in the Making: in Places chapter 2016) Press, Iowa of (University ” and History Language, American by Reshaping Suffering Transcending Divide: Abroad, and Home at from Views in Context: Multiculturalism in American 203-220. 2017): Publishing, Scholars (Cambridge Ludwig Sami by edited Studies in Travel Directions New In Territory.” Unincorporated of Re-mapping 2015). (Palgrave American Literary History territory.” unincorporated from and Homebase (Summer 2012) 24: 2012) 2. (Summer Transnational of Journal The Guam.” Chamorro of Poetics Perez’s Santos Craig Studies American Pedagogies.” 45-60. 25, Volume Pacific, The Contemporary in Guam.” Empire Reading American 67-91. 2013: 1, Spring Number Cocola, Jim. “Forget your Pastoral: Haunani-Kay Trask and Craig Santos Perez,” Perez,” Santos Craig and Trask Haunani-Kay Pastoral: your “Forget Cocola, Jim. K. Jennifer Dick, Perez’s Santos and Craig Pacific of the The Cartography Guam: “Locating Otto. Heim, in Pacific the American and Literary Emergence, (Guam), “Guahan Hsuan. Hsu, Clark, Ryan. The Appositional Project: Craig Santos Perez’s from unincorporated unincorporated from Perez’s Santos Craig Project: Appositional The Ryan. Clark, Lai, Paul. “Discontiguous States of America: The Paradox of Unincorporation in Unincorporation of Paradox America: The of States “Discontiguous Lai, Paul. Cartographic and Epistemologies Distant Guam: „ʻFinding’ J. Cathy Schlund-Vials, Questions”: Many Too Asking Us Want They Didn’t Guess “I Valerie. Woodward, \\\ 134 \\\ | THE MONSTROSITY :: Kenji C. Liu notes towards afrankenpo the monstrosity: A wild maneA wild whips around lion-like the face, frame uneven an teeth expression of Paul Klee’s “Angelus Novus” is arogue taxidermy, an anatomically reversed griffin. II. despite This wouldis how speak, Godzilla appearances. room is left forthe meaningbe suppliedto through relationship. context. It leaves room for relationship the communicators. the between Orrather, It much does more than it receiver the seems: has to perceive meanings through Whybegins. should avoice and labeled gendered be as “passive” as ifit nothing? does insistence on explicit subject-verb pairs. Orrather, active negation of active the voice a sentence. Later as an adult to negate Ibegin and apoet, American the English Growing up inJapanese immersed intransitive verbs, to Ilearn omit subject the in I. Kenji C.Liu what we call progress. back turned, is while the pile of debris before him grows skyward. This stormis longer close them. This storm irresistibly propels him into futurethe to which his Paradise; it has got caught in his wings with such violence that the angel can no the dead, and make whole what has been smashed. But astorm blowing is from wreckage and hurls it in front of his feet. The angel would like to stay, awaken a chain of events, he sees one single catastrophe which keeps piling wreckage upon pictures the angel of history. His face turned is toward the past. Where we perceive His eyes are staring, his mouth open, is his wings are spread. Thisis how one Walter Benjamin on Paul Klee’s monoprint, “Angelus Novus,” inTheses on the Philosophy of History of Philosophy (1940). THE MONSTROSITY :: Kenji C. Liu | /// 135 /// III. the expert , The Archaeology of Knowledge of Archaeology , The Foucault Michel I am no doubt not the only one who writes in order to have no face. Do not ask ask Do not face. no have to order in writes who one only the not doubt no I am and bureaucrats our to it leave same: the remain to me ask not do and I am who when morality ustheir spare least At order. in are papers our that see to police our write. we We see this reflected in different poets: Don Mee Choi, Bhanu Kapil, Barbara Jane Jane Barbara Kapil, Bhanu MeeChoi, Don poets: see this in different reflected We Dolores and Raul Zurita, Ito, Hiromi Hyesoon, Kim McSweeney, Reyes, Joyelle of with. familiar most Because am I work whose writers the are These Dorantes. neoliberalism— imperialism,and extremism—colonialism, capitalist of centuries all idea the pernicious that Progress, of logic The up. evidence piled has damning Western under conditions better towards advances history always and humanity of failed because its has It spell. magic a dissipating is all. It logicno at is guidance, With few. a only benefits Universal The a pretense. just is universality of pretense in the US and power to sweeping populists neo-fascist and nationalist right-wing evident more is the wreckage in neoliberal capitalism, the cracks exploiting Europe to commitment ourpolitical differs, that response our is It and right. both the left to margins. the historic with solidarity and surprise, eyes slightly askew. The angel’s wings are also hands, recalling a feathered, feathered, recalling a alsohands, are wings angel’s The askew. slightly eyes surprise, “new a is This tail feathers. a set under of dangle legs bird-like and dinosaur, avian comes wars, between world two and with living Benjamin, Walter which for angel,” realities material and in the discursive present horror and the emptiness represent to patched itself is the angel modernity, of thewreckage to A witness modernity. of to respond neededis to presence monstrous A beasts. different from together times. monstrous Reading Foucault, I cultivate a suspicion of the master narrative and the all-knowing the all-knowing and narrative the master of a suspicion I cultivate Reading Foucault, for who Knows, the one of the arrogance For forms. many in its author male the white For alternatives. whose any expertise marginalizes and universal is because supposedly unassailable whose perspective unquestionable, is explorer I grammar, Japanese on drawing response, In universal. and objective, neutral, self— confessional hyper-individuated, the western, minimizing with experiment as a it produces it in all that to contextualize but writes, that hand efface to the not race, history, a construction—of but solid, not is subject The view. of point cultural more. and religion, gender, class, \\\ 136 \\\ | THE MONSTROSITY :: Kenji C. Liu Empire inorder to prevent Europe from conquering Asia. Therethe is Japanese becomessoldier asingle-minded, efficientkiller. toexpand the Ideology: Japanese of domination. of By letting a“compassionate” go of inservice self war, monk- the onto path. the My grandmother’s Japan was/is an power. imperial Buddhism as atool Gazing back at wreckage the as Iam swept towards future, the my family strides VI. monetization. It exists not inorder to produce use-value, but to create beauty, an effort to resist turned to it, but we create from what is in front of us, and that is a kind of future. state. We awaken dead.Benjamin’s the angel cannot future the see with its back wreckagein the we find ways to compost,recycle, be a wormtheto gut in the of either not painting inthis or pushed to its edges, buriedunder its pastoral. Yet blown westward by force the of explosions. their The rest theof us, majority, are genocide, slavery, capitalist exploitation, and gendered racialized, violence, beneath exterior the she is Frankenstein’s monstrosity, patched together from monster. An eroticized symbol of an expansionist, selectively benevolent state, Progress” is acelebration of colonization the of North and America, she a is also The angelic, floating white woman in John Gast’s 1872 painting “American V. one simultaneous reality, but never ignores world. the un- or that re-makingself practice of poetic self. This the is a embraces morethan and commitments in a field of compassion, a gentletitration self ensues between and backthe gaze intosuffering, which thefocuses world. Holding one’s communities precepts,ethical guidelines for cultivating conditions the for happiness and ending influenced by economic,our cultural, Therepoliticaland experiences. also are of self, community, and identity is not influence they minimized, because and are interaction with its environment. engaged In Buddhism, significance the socially as atemporary vessel. And yet conventional the is constantly self produced through practice, it grip on the becomes possible to conventional loosen identity, to regard it is cultivated and attachment as me toor body the mine is weakened. Through active isolatedeach part and reflected separately.on By contemplatingequanimityeach part, meditation inits on body physical the details, on its organs, fluids, systems, and fibers, contingent nature of self. In Satipatthana the Sutta, there are instructions for a meditation for many years and direct glimpses experiencing of changing, the There are compatible concepts in Buddhism. For instance, vipassana practicing V. I

THE MONSTROSITY :: Kenji C. Liu | /// 137 ///

VII. that VIII. (abridged), by Mary Shelley by (abridged), From Frankenstein I was going to create a new kind of man. This man would love me more than a than more me love would man This man. of kind a new create to going I was I maybe live, parts lifeless make I could if that thought I also father. his loves son life. to back dead the bring could occupation of my grandfather’s Taiwan, 1895-1945. Atomic obliteration in the Pacific, in the Pacific, obliteration Atomic 1895-1945. Taiwan, grandfather’s my of occupation half-life. long its with of Godzilla. wreckage, awakening is too This The in Japan. bodies, Digging up bodies texts. text antagonistic of with reanimations Mutations, And then, how does one reckon with Confucianism? I consult the online I Ching I Ching the online I consult Confucianism? with reckon does one then, how And rectifier Chinese heteropatriarchy, ancient of digital representative system, divination (which is I Ching the online Interviewing social relations. harmonious proper, of in a way, that answer, really never can it questions it asking translation), a British itself patriarchy? end to the best is way Dear I Ching, what best interest. own its against are destruction. Inserting own your Divine supremacy? white end to thebest is way What family—from my of the languages through going Google Translate, into answers its migration. English—imitates to back and Chinese Japanese to Traditional to English forced is voice I Ching’s The too. be included, this would available was Hakka If of imperfection The in others. exploding places, in some receding mutate, to in results meaning, of correspondence one-to-one of the impossibility translation, the up Cutting babel. of n+7 tower Like an wreckage. of production the intentional imperfect new, useful build which to with pieces the for trash among hunting results, responses. parts. To randomize and collect choose bodies, and dissect, to disaggregate, To For reanimate. To sew to together. erase the to extraneous, merge, and rearrange science of invention an progress, begins of a kind as this work Frankenstein, Dr. is monster a and in tragedy, It ends benefit. human for potential tremendous with of universal language the Enlightenment, European Since the world. roam the to left is It subtle. and overt imperial both and violences colonial justified has “progress” and American North spread to burden” man’s the “white and destiny” both “manifest in Discourse everywhere. notes disasters Césaire Aimé European on Colonialism while actual benevolence being is its for reason whose ostensible Europe, colonial name parts in the of lifeless a left trail has It “indefensible.” is exploitation, is motive we find new of in trash: middlethe alsocan creativity find we But the father. of between the parts. relationships \\\ 138 \\\ | THE MONSTROSITY :: Kenji C. Liu ferocious hospitality griffin caninhabit? we Can wedead? awaken the inorderneed and to survive live? What texts can we conjure from wreck, the whose What indefensible monstrosities dowe come from, live in?What dowe bodies new hidden messages emerge? How to implicate can used text the be itself? justifyingannexation the of Texas from Mexico. Mix it with itself. Fuck it up. What Steal text from an 1845 phrase the “manifest article in which destiny” is first used, and gender expressions. animatedthe TheLast film, Unicorn. Throughthis process, affirm multiple sexualities “genderless danshi” with aBuddhist sutta on loving-kindness, and screenplay the of Hongsexy Kong masterpiece, In the Mood for Love. Ormixan article on Japanese American men. Mix it with complete the English subtitles from Wong Kar-Wai’s Find afeminist article discussing USmainstream the emasculation of Asian what connectionsSee and contradictions emerge or get amplified. mixing and randomizing. Search for unique juxtapositions, phrases and odd images. Sith given by Senator Palpatine Senate inStar to Galactic the Wars III:Revenge of the uniquelybeing apocalyptic of history inthe such Then speeches. dig the up speech Isolate USPresident’s 45th the inauguration noted speech, by Washington the for Post IX. from future the we are always blown being into. of mutual generosity, radical grieving, hospitality. arriving A feral, generous poetry something only monsters, having can imagine—an destruction, ethics experienced humanity, though not with areplacement humanism or dominant universal. Instead, texts—a Frankenstein poetry, a frankenpo. Perhaps only monsters can reinvent of atomic the Godzilla—child bomb—we can commit rogue taxidermy against its isolate and pathologize communities that deviate from norm. the In solidarity with perhaps can counter only aGodzilla it. Systems of dehumanization proliferate, and ferocity. capitalism, Because white supremacy, heteropatriarchy monstrous, is so Not an attempt to create kindof anew man, but to grow amonster of compassion of old. the old ones are indefensible. Or composting—bodies growing out of indefensibility the Searching for connections, new formations. unseen the because Building bodies new organs, parts, body systems, from one location to another. Chopping, erasing, sewing. word,every randomizing order, mixing. Using text manipulation software, moving relations, mutually generative relations, or no relationship seemingly at Isolating all. , in which Palpatine, inwhich revokes and becomes Emperor. the democracy Isolate words, THE MONSTROSITY :: Kenji C. Liu | /// 139 /// X. We need poetry that We 11 Compost poetry. Literary poetry. Compost 7 poetry. Undocumented poetry. poetry. Undocumented poetry. 4 Composting the master narrative and and narrative the master Composting 10 Cunt-up poetry. Cunt-up 6 necropastoral 3 Poetry with little use for the shiny, never-quite- the shiny, use for Poetry little with 9 Feral, 2 troubling the text. The world as text. Kaiju/Godzilla poetry. Kaiju/Godzilla poetry. text. as world The the text. troubling 1 Witch/brujx poetry. Witch/brujx 5 A trash aesthetic. A trash 8 joyelle-mcsweeney-monstrosity-sor-juana) Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz (https://bostonreview.net/literature-culture-poetry/ Inés Sor Juana Rhee Margaret Bhanu Kapil McSweeney Joyelle Mohabir Rajiv Dominguez Angel Dodie Bellamy Ybarra-Frausto Tomás and Amalia Mesa-Baines Ben Highmore Hofer Jen Rich Adrienne

growing new bodies, new abilities. Diving into the wreckage. into new Diving bodies, new abilities. growing fulfilled or fulfilling promises of modernity, nationalisms, neoliberalism. Cross- neoliberalism. nationalisms, of modernity, fulfilledpromises or fulfilling between now, the past, Englishes, between and English betweenworlds, translating gaps out point to but legibility, or clarity for translating Not come. might what and them. create that relations the power and A monstrous poetry, A monstrous Taxidermy poetry. Taxidermy 1 Notes 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

With thanks to Vickie Vértiz and Heidi Andrea Rhodes for their generative readings readings generative their for Rhodes Andrea Heidi and Vértiz Vickie to thanks With here. noted be could work whose poets more many are There interventions. and What is the subject being produced through frankenpo? One who makes and remakes, remakes, and who makes One frankenpo? through beingproduced the subject is What parts leftover. always are There exactly because been destruction never has complete. ferociously we also become wreck, the from inseparable and intersectional Though of world a in poetry, generous monstrously A succulent. wild, different—imperfect, monstrosity. inhuman already knew it was political, and didn’t have to be convinced. be to convinced. have didn’t and political, was knewit already Mutant poetry. Cyborg poetry. Cyborg poetry. Mutant rasquachismo. about this book \\\ 142 \\\ | ABOUT THE AUTHORS About theEditors rga a Od oiin nvriy wih h drce fo 2009-2015. from directed she which University, Dominion Her website is: www.luisaigloria.com Old at Program Press), and She 12other teaches books. on of faculty the MFA the Creative Writing www.amandagalvanhuynh.com of Chapbook America Fellowship. Society 2017 Poetry the a 2016AWP Intro Journal Project Award, and afinalist for Rauschenbergand Foundation. Robert She is awinner of Vermont Studio Center, NYSummer Writers Institute, Writers’ Conference, Sundress Academy for Arts, the fellowships from The MacDowellColony, Sewanee the Songs of Brujería (Big Lucks, 2019). She has received HuynhAmanda Galvan is author the of achapbook, Pencil Eraser (2014May Swenson Prize, Utah State University Publishing, Montreal, 2018), Buddha Wonders if She Having is aMid-Life Crisis (Phoenicia Letterpress Chapbook Poetry award. works Other include The Ask Trethewey her chapbook selected What Left is of Wings, I Oswald, and Jo Shapcott. Former USPoet Laureate Natasha by former laureate UKpoet Sir Andrew Motion, Alice world’s(UK), the first major award forecopoetry, selected Luisa A. Igloria is winner of the 2015Resurgence the Prize as 2018recipient the of Center the Arts for Book the Ode toOde the Heart Smaller than a

ABOUT THE AUTHORS | /// 143 /// . She is the is . She and is on the on is and . He serves. He as The New York York New The The Bind The About the Authors the About the literary journal of BCC. the literary journal of Her Jesús Colón: 100 Years of of 100 Years Colón: book, Jesús . Her (Etruscan, 2013) (Etruscan, Flesh of Ask We What and elsewhere. He teaches at Arizona Arizona at teaches He elsewhere. and (Lotus, 2006) winner of the Naomi Long Long the Naomi of 2006) winner (Lotus, Thesis, and Centro editing staff of Airlie Press. A recent finalist for the Oregon Oregon forthe finalist recent A Press. Airlie of staff editing and Influence runs the he poetryFriday The blog Book Award, Linfield College. at writing creative and English teaches Right Hand Pointing Pointing Hand the journal Right for editor an is a CantoMundo fellow and the author of of the author and fellow Araguz a CantoMundo is Angel José Think We Everything the collections as well as seven chapbooks poems, . His Again Level Are We Until , and Fires Small Hear, We Prairie Review, Creek in Crab appeared reviews have and prose, and Review, Windward The Schooner, author of Conversion , a native of Phoenix, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, of , a native Remica L. Bingham-Risher other Poet.Among Affrilachian and fellow Canem a Cave is in been has published work her journals, and Essence Callaloo Chronicle, Writer’s The Times, Poetry Award, Madgett Starlight and Legacy Award the Hurston/Wright for shortlisted Book the Diode Editions (Diode,of winner 2017) & Error Award. Virginia Book of the Library for a finalist and Award at Initiatives Plan Quality Enhancement of the Director is She is a Spanish-American poet. He holds holds poet. He L. Abeytia a Spanish-American is Ernesto Saint from MAs and University State Arizona from MFA an Madrid. of University the Autonomous and University Louis in CrabOrchard forthcoming are or appeared poems have His Ends, Shallow The NewsHour, PBS Poetry, Glass Fugue, Review, Square, Zócalo Public @eabeytia. Twitter: him on follow can You University. State The from a Puerto writer , is Rican Coss Melissa Aquino Dr. department in the English Professor Associate an and Bronx serves She theco- as CUNY. College, Community Bronx at for facultyadvisor Callaloo, The Fairy Tale Review, Review, Tale Fairy The in Callaloo, been has published work Hippocampus set and contract under is York New in Puerto Rican Radical A City The from MFA her received in 2019. She beto published Graduate The from Ph.D. her CUNY and York, New College of Old Dominion University. She resides in Norfolk, VA with her husband and children. and husband her with VA in Norfolk, resides She University. Dominion Old Center, CUNY in English. She is a proud VONA, AROHO and Hedgebrook alumna. Hedgebrook and AROHO VONA, a proud is She CUNY in English. Center, \\\ 144 \\\ | ABOUT THE AUTHORS and Poetics 3: TheBest Innovative Writing, and Troubling the Line: Trans and Genderqueer Poetry work has appeared inTheBest AmericanExperimental Writing, The &NOW Awards Macondo and Voices of Nations Our Foundation Arts writing communities. Their Kundiman, Watering Lambda, Hole Fellow, and Callaloo are they of part the Angeles. @kenjicliu Resident Djerassi the Program, Artist and Community the of Writers, he lives inLos Without Your Shoes (2009).AKundiman fellow and an alumnus of vona for Creative Nonfictionfrom the AmericanNorth Review. . They serve as poetry editor the Texasof poetry as serve . They . www.chinginchen.com Review essay, “Beauty,” was awarded 2016Torch the Memorial Prize Review, the New Orleans Review, and appear del inPuerto Sol, the Rappahannock Review, the Indiana mixed raceperson inVietnam. Her most recent publications New Orleans, and traveling her experience and living as a andhistory narrative, her family’s inLouisiana history and Creoles migrated who to Her California. essays explore Creole and a university educator. She is descendant the of Louisiana Wendy A.Gaudinis an American historian, an essayist, apoet, and works San inthe Francisco Bay Area. and asSenegal Hyphen International as a Rotary served Ambassadorial Scholar to Chronicle publishedhas been in M.Phil inliterature from Oxford University. Her work her B.A. from University ofand California-Berkeley her immigrated to U.S. the with her family at age 13.She received is a 1.5-generationAbigail Licad Filipino American who of West Coast Kundiman Poets (Achiote Press). A End Press; AK Press) and Here aPen: is An Anthology Intimate Violence Within Activist Communities (South of editor to make black paper sing (speCt!They are books). co- (Arktoi recombinant(Kelsey Books), Street Press) and Ching-In is author the Chen of The Heart’s Traffic chapbooks, anthologies,of several week the series, and two Review, Action Yes! , (Inlandia Institute). is Poetry inAmerican His poetry winner of 2015 Gravendykthe Hillary Prize Poetry JamesAlice and Map Books) of an Onion, national Monsters of Kenji author is IHave C.Liu Been (2019, , and Los Angeles Times, among others. She has The Revolution Starts at Home:Confronting Craters: Field A Guide magazine’s editor inchief. She lives Calyx, Smartish Pace, San Francisco Anomaly , Split ThisRock’s poem About Journal. Place (2017) and You Left /Voices, Her ABOUT THE AUTHORS | /// 145 /// (Litmus Press 2015), won the Leslie Scalapino the Leslie Scalapino 2015), won Press (Litmus nsides She Swallowed Swallowed She Insides of also the author She’s . poets.org Fence, Poetry, Tin House, American Poetry Review, Best Best Review, Poetry American House, Tin Poetry, Fence, Award for Innovative Women Performance Writers, Writers, Performance Women Innovative for Award in December company theater Relationship The by produced appear works Individual City. York New in Theaterlab 2015 at in She elsewhere. widely and Reading Non-Required American of University at writing creative of professor assistant an is is the author of five books of of poetrybooks five of Khadijahand Queenthe author is Famous of A List I›m So Fine: recently most prose, hybrid play, verse Books 2017). Her On (YesYes I Had & What Men Non-Sequitur —“The People’s Poet of San Francisco” and and Francisco” San of Poet People’s —“The Robles Tony Cool stories, short Don’t poems books two and of of author and Fingerprints Francisco, San to —A Letter More No Here Live poetfor laureate finalist list a short Was Strike. a Hunger of Art Francisco the San awarded and in 2017 Francisco San of for nominated Was year. the same literary grant Commission Country” in My “In story, short his for Prize the Pushcart Francisco. in San advocate a tenant as Works 2010. Born in Manila, Philippines and raised in the U.S. and Saudi Saudi and raised in the U.S. and Philippines Born in Manila, Water: of Want For of the author is Sasha Pimentel Arabia, Gregory 2017), selected (Beacon by poems Press, other and Poetry Series. For the National 2016 of winner a as Pardlo C. Smith the 2017 Helen also is of winner Water of Want the 2018 PEN/Open for longlisted was and Award Memorial in appeared recently have essays poems and Her Book Award. The Hour, News PBS Magazine, Sunday Times York New The Lit Guernica, Review, England New Review, Poetry American Colorado, Boulder, and serves as core faculty for the Mile-High MFA program at at program MFA the Mile-High serves faculty for and core as Boulder, Colorado, Regis University. Hub, Poets & Writers and & Writers Poets Hub, Associate an She’s Book the 2011 American of 2010), winner Award. Press, End (West MFA bilingual (Spanish-English) in a poetry nonfiction of creative and Professor El Paso, at Texas of the University the at Americas across from students to Program Texas of the University of winner and México, Juárez, Ciudad of the border on will She be the holder Award. Teaching Outstanding Regents’ 2015 Board of system’s for Germany University, Leipzig at Literature for Professorship Guest thePicador of 2018-2019 term. the winter \\\ 146 \\\ | ABOUT THE AUTHORS writing program. where he teaches literature as well as classes mfa inthe in and is aProfessor of English at Old Dominion University released in2017. Tim is current the Poet Laureate of Virginia Prize. His Turn Sun latest Around the One collection, Award and Theodore the Roethke forMemorial poetry Poetry Award. In 2013 he won Pen the both Josephine Oakland Miles Fast Animal, was which a finalist forthe 2012 National Book including collectionsTim is author the Seibles poetry of several English Department at University the of Hawai‘i, Mānoa. of Berkeley. California, He is an Associate Professor inthe Francisco and aPh.D. inEthnic Studies from University the holds an mfa inCreative Writing from University the of San anthologies and author the of four of books poetry. He Pacificthe Island of Guam. theHe co-editoris threeof Dr. Santos Craig Perez is a native Chamorro from poet at at The Feminist Wire, and elsewhere. She is Nonfiction the Editor publishedbeen inBanango Street, TheOffing, The Collagist, Twin Woman’s University. Her queer Asian young adult novel, Dear Warren Wilson and College adoctorate inDance from Texas and and with Dominic Walsh Dance Theater on Victor Frankenstein humanities at Houston Community College. She collaborated Addie Tsai teaches courses inliterature, creative writing, and Mai Der Vang Der Mai The Flexible Persona. Review, forthcoming in Poetry, Tin House, and Institute Art the of Chicago. has appeared Her or is poetry Fellowship, as aVisiting she served Writer at of School the Tufts Discovery Award. Therecipient Lannan ofa Literary AwardBook in Poetry, and afinalist forthe 2018 Kate Academy of American Poets, longlisted for 2017National the 2017), winner of 2016Walt the Whitman Award of the The Grief Diaries The Grief Camille Claudel , is forthcoming from Metonymy Press. Her writing has among other journals and anthologies. Her essays Hurdy-Gurdy, Hammerlock, Buffalo HeadSolos, and is author the of Afterland , and Associate Senior Editor at inPoetry , among others. Addie holds an MFA from the American Poetry Poetry American the (Graywolf Press, , was

ABOUT THE AUTHORS | /// 147 /// is the author of the best- of the author is A New York Times Top 10 Top Times York A New Exit Wounds. with Sky Night Ocean Vuong Ocean essayist and Poet selling, Award, the Whiting of a winner was Book 2016, the debut of for First PrizeBest Forward and the Award, Gunn the Thom Kate Prize, the T.S. Eliot the for Collection, a finalist was and A Award. and the Literary Lambda Award Discovery Tufts honors his the Poetry Foundation, from Lilly fellow Ruth the Civitella Foundation, the Lannan from fellowships include The Foundation, The Elizabeth George Ranieri Foundation, Prize. the Pushcart and Poets, American of Academy , and elsewhere. elsewhere. , and Post Washington the Times, York in the New been published have co-edited she where Circle Writers’ American the Hmong of Der a member is Mai Mai fellow, A Kundiman Anthology. Literary American A Hmong Do I Begin: How Born raised and Ranieri Hedgebrook. and Civitella at residencies Der completed has California Berkeley of the University earned from degrees California, she in Fresno, Der will the Creative join Mai 2019, Fall Commencing University. Columbia and in Creative English of Professor Assistant an as State Fresno faculty at MFA Writing Writing. About the Artist

The front and back covers of this book feature paintings by artist Suchitra Mattai, a collaborator who also provided work for a 2018 release, Chlorosis. Mattai is a multi- disciplinary artist who lives and works in Denver, Colorado. Suchitra was born in Guyana, South America, but has also lived in Halifax and Wolfville, Nova Scotia, Philadelphia, New York City, Minneapolis, and Udaipur, India. These diverse natural and cultural environments have greatly influenced her work and research. While her practice includes a wide range of materials and ideas, her primary interests include 1) the complex relationship between the natural and artificial worlds and 2) the questioning of historical and authoritative narratives, especially those surrounding colonialism. Through painting, fiber, drawing, collage, installation, video, and sculpture, she weaves narratives of “the other,” invoking fractured landscapes and reclaiming cultural artifacts (often colonial and domestic in nature).

Suchitra received an MFA in Painting and Drawing and an MA in South Asian art, both from the University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia. She has exhibited her work in Philadelphia, New York City, Washington, DC, Minneapolis, Denver, Austin, Berlin, London, and Wales and her work has appeared in various publications such as The Daily Serving (Mailee Hung), New American Paintings, and will be in a forthcoming book, “A Collection of Contemporary Women’s Voices on Guyana,” (Grace Anezia Ali, Brill Press). Her next projects include a large scale commission for the Sharjah Biennial(2019), group exhibitions with the Museum of the Americas, Washington, DC, Pen and Brush, New York, NY, and the Lancaster Museum of Art and History, Lancaster, CA. Recent projects include commissions with the Denver Art Museum/SkyHouse, the Museum of Contemporary Art Denver, and solo exhibitions at the Center for Visual Art, Metropolitan State University Denver (2018), K Contemporary Gallery (2018), Denver, and GrayDuck Gallery, Austin (2018). She recently completed a residency at RedLine Contemporary Art Center, Denver, and is represented by K Contemporary Gallery Denver, and GrayDuck Gallery, Austin.

Mattai writes: In my practice, land is a conceptual space for the exploration of identity. The places I create are born from memory, history and imagination. Land can offer sanctuary or peril, sometimes both simultaneously. Through installations, mixed media drawings and paintings, collages, and video, I explore how our natural environment(s) shapes personal narratives, ancestral histories and constructions of “self.” I want my work to be both intimate and vast. Landscape allows me a wide visual lens within which to situate intimate cultural artifacts and discuss the inextricably intertwined relationship of history and identity. Combining fragments of landscape, vintage objects (often domestic), and culturally specific patterns, I create a nonlinear dialogue with the past. My current projects investigate the role of land in migrations, assimilations, and the creation of “home.”

Front: “There’s a rain cloud in my garden, if only I had a garden,” 2017. (Acrylic and gouache on synthetic paper, 27”x19.5”)

Back: “Plan B,” 2017. (Acrylic, tape, and gouache on vinyl, 19.5x27.5”) \\\ 148 \\\ | ABOUT THE ARTIST \\\ 148 | WHY PRINT / DOCUMENT?

The Operating System uses the language “print document” to differentiate from the book-object as part of our mission to distinguish the act of documentation- in-book-FORM from the act of publishing as a backwards-facing replication of the book’s agentive *role* as it may have appeared the last several centuries of its history. Ultimately, I approach the book as TECHNOLOGY: one of a variety of printed documents (in this case, bound) that humans have invented and in turn used to archive and disseminate ideas, beliefs, stories, and other evidence of production. Ownership and use of printing presses and access to (or restriction of printed materials) has long been a site of struggle, related in many ways to revolutionary activity and the fight for civil rights and free speech all over the world. While (in many countries) the contemporary quotidian landscape has indeed drastically shifted in its access to platforms for sharing information and in the widespread ability to “publish” digitally, even with extremely limited resources, the importance of publication on physical media has not diminished. In fact, this may be the most critical time in recent history for activist groups, artists, and others to insist upon learning, establishing, and encouraging personal and community documentation practices. Hear me out. With The OS’s print endeavors I wanted to open up a conversation about this: the ultimately radical, transgressive act of creating PRINT /DOCUMENTATION in the digital age. It’s a question of the archive, and of history: who gets to tell the story, and what evidence of our life, our behaviors, our experiences are we leaving behind? We can know little to nothing about the future into which we’re leaving an unprecedentedly digital document trail — but we can be assured that publications, government agencies, museums, schools, and other institutional powers that be will continue to leave BOTH a digital and print version of their production for the official record. Will we? As a (rogue) anthropologist and long time academic, I can easily pull up many accounts about how lives, behaviors, experiences — how THE STORY of a time or place — was pieced together using the deep study of correspondence, notebooks, and other physical documents which are no longer the norm in many lives and practices. As we move our creative behaviors towards digital note taking, and even audio and video, what can we predict about future technology that is in any way assuring that our stories will be accurately told – or told at all? How will we leave these things for the record? In these documents we say: WE WERE HERE, WE EXISTED, WE HAVE A DIFFERENT STORY

- Elæ [Lynne DeSilva-Johnson], Founder/Creative Director THE OPERATING SYSTEM, Brooklyn NY 2018 RECENT & FORTHCOMING FULL LENGTH OS PRINT::DOCUMENTS and PROJECTS, 2018-19

2019

Y - Lori Anderson Moseman Ark Hive-Marthe Reed I Made for You a New Machine and All it Does is Hope - Richard Lucyshyn Illusory Borders-Heidi Reszies A Year of Misreading the Wildcats - Orchid Tierney We Are Never The Victims - Timothy DuWhite Of Color: Poets’ Ways of Making | An Anthology of Essays on Transformative Poetics - Amanda Galvan Huynh & Luisa A. Igloria, Editors The Suitcase Tree - Filip Marinovich In Corpore Sano: Creative Practice and the Challenged* Body - Elae [Lynne DeSilva- Johnson] and Amanda Glassman, Editors KIN(D)* TEXTS AND PROJECTS

A Bony Framework for the Tangible Universe-D. Allen Opera on TV-James Brunton Hall of Waters-Berry Grass Transitional Object-Adrian Silbernagel GLOSSARIUM: UNSILENCED TEXTS AND TRANSLATIONS

Śnienie / Dreaming - Marta Zelwan, (Poland, trans. Victoria Miluch) Alparegho: Pareil-À-Rien / Alparegho, Like Nothing Else - Hélène Sanguinetti (France, trans. Ann Cefola) High Tide Of The Eyes - Bijan Elahi (Farsi-English/dual-language) trans. Rebecca Ruth Gould and Kayvan Tahmasebian In the Drying Shed of Souls: Poetry from Cuba’s Generation Zero Katherine Hedeen and Víctor Rodríguez Núñez, translators/editors Street Gloss - Brent Armendinger with translations for Alejandro Méndez, Mercedes Roffé, Fabián Casas, Diana Bellessi, and Néstor Perlongher (Argentina) Operation on a Malignant Body - Sergio Loo (Mexico, trans. Will Stockton) Are There Copper Pipes in Heaven - Katrin OttarsdÓttir (Faroe Islands, trans. Matthew Landrum) 2018

An Absence So Great and Spontaneous It Is Evidence of Light - Anne Gorrick The Book of Everyday Instruction - Chloë Bass Executive Orders Vol. II - a collaboration with the Organism for Poetic Research One More Revolution - Andrea Mazzariello Chlorosis - Michael Flatt and Derrick Mund Sussuros a Mi Padre - Erick Sáenz Abandoners - Lesley Ann Wheeler Jazzercise is a Language - Gabriel Ojeda-Sague Born Again - Ivy Johnson Attendance - Rocío Carlos and Rachel McLeod Kaminer Singing for Nothing - Wally Swist Walking Away From Explosions in Slow Motion - Gregory Crosby Field Guide to Autobiography - Melissa Eleftherion KIN(D)* TEXTS AND PROJECTS

Sharing Plastic - Blake Neme The Ways of the Monster - Jay Besemer

GLOSSARIUM: UNSILENCED TEXTS AND TRANSLATIONS

The Book of Sounds - Mehdi Navid (Farsi dual language, trans. Tina Rahimi Kawsay: The Flame of the Jungle - María Vázquez Valdez (Mexico, trans. Margaret Randall) Return Trip / Viaje Al Regreso - Israel Dominguez; (Cuba, trans. Margaret Randall)

for our full catalog please visit: https://squareup.com/store/the-operating-system/

deeply discounted Book of the Month and Chapbook Series subscriptions are a great way to support the OS’s projects and publications! sign up at: http://www.theoperatingsystem.org/subscribe-join/ DOC U MENT /däkyәmәnt/

First meant “instruction” or “evidence,” whether written or not.

noun - a piece of written, printed, or electronic matter that provides information or evidence or that serves as an official record verb - record (something) in written, photographic, or other form synonyms - paper - deed - record - writing - act - instrument

[Middle English, precept, from Old French, from Latin documentum, example, proof, from docre, to teach; see dek- in Indo-European roots.

Who is responsible for the manufacture of value?

Based on what supercilious ontology have we landed in a space where we vie against other creative people in vain pursuit of the fleeting credibilities of the scarcity economy, rather than freely collaborating and sharing openly with each other in ecstatic celebration of MAKING?

While we understand and acknowledge the economic pressures and fear-mongering that threatens to dominate and crush the creative impulse, we also believe that now more than ever we have the tools to relinquish agency via cooperative means, fueled by the fires of the Open Source Movement.

Looking out across the invisible vistas of that rhizomatic parallel country we can begin to see our community beyond constraints, in the place where intention meets resilient, proactive, collaborative organization.

Here is a document born of that belief, sown purely of imagination and will. When we document we assert. We print to make real, to reify our being there. When we do so with mindful intention to address our process, to open our work to others, to create beauty in words in space, to respect and acknowledge the strength of the page we now hold physical, a thing in our hand, we remind ourselves that, like Dorothy: we had the power all along, my dears.   the PRINT! DOCUMENT SERIES is a project of the trouble with bartleby in collaboration with the operating system