Spewing shit at Dalhousie since 1868
I .t::. N """'- ·;:: Q. < ...... ()() N I 0'1 M """'
Gaze e designer reveals all
caught in h act CALNEN PHOTOGRAPHY Calnen Photography is proud to be the official graduation photographer WEEKLY authorized by the Dalhousie Student Union. Our studio/gallery is located at 1469 Birmingham St. just south of Sprtng Garden Road . DISPATCH Professionalism, superlative quality and competitive pricing since 1972.
Student Lifestyle Documentary: If you wanted to be a movie star when you were young then we may have just the opportunity for you. Documentary film maker Morgen Sporlock is looking for students who have finished at least one year of university and have interesting student experience£ that they are willing to talk about. He is lookins For more information for stories such as the longest studying stint, or to schedule an appointment, partying in res (or off campus), or an interestins call: class you attended. If you are interested please sene a description of your experience to msfilm@gmail. con 423-8840 no later then May lOth. Filming will take place between September and December 2007. Any student Email : [email protected] selected will receive an honourarium for Visit us on the web : www.calnenphotography.com participating in the. film, and a free copy of the DVD. This documentary will provide a behind the scenes look at what students across Canada up to anc the challenges they face;
New Student Space: Since the recent failure of the referendum or creating more student space on campus the DSU haE taken steps to address the lack of student space REGIONAL MUNICIPALITY ourselves. On April 15th we will close a $iO millior dollar deal that will see us take possession of Par~ Attention Off-Campus Lane Mall. This purchase was made possible by ar University & College Students interest free, unsecured loan from the Canadiar Federation of Students (CFS). Earlier this year the CFS set: a precedent that they had an obligation to provide loans to student Please be environmentally responsible when disposing of your unions in financial need. Check out garbage by placmg it at the curb for collect1on on the scheduled http://www. dailymotion.com/student3 for the full day and week for collection . Remember that for residential details. Af ter a brief r ound of ne gotiations the} dwellmgs, there IS a limit of 10 garbage bags/cans on garbage collection week, plus one bulky item. For small apartment conceded to l oan the DSU t he money for this mucr buildings up to six units, the limit is 5 garbage bags/cans needed impr oveme nt. per unit and two bulky items on garbage collection week. Over t he next two years, the DSU will take Please place food and leaf and yard waste in your green cart; c o ntr o ~ o f all the leased spaced in Park Lane Mall. bottles, cans and milk containers - with caps off - m blue bag; The s pace will be use d to create late night stud} newspapers, flyers and magazines in a plastic grocery bag; and flatten and tie cardboard boxes. s pace , hang out space , and group work space for Dalhousie students . We will continue t o operate the exis ting movie the a t r e a nd will add an a fte r hourE ni ght c l ub i n the l ower level of the mall. We hope that by creating a space for students to go after the bars close we will alleviate the concerns that some neighbours have about disruptive students coming home late at night.
Coming Soon: The DSU Lizard Lounge: Last summer the DSU renovated the Tim Horton's area on the first floor of the SUB. This was the first part of a larger plan to relocate the Tim's to the other side of the building creating a DSU exclusive lounge in its current location. The purpose of this lounge was to recognize the work The following are collection weeks in Area 1 Halifax: that councilors, board members, and societies do for ....,...._ --- April 9 - 13 Garbage & Recyclables Only the DSU and provide them with a place to call their April 16 - 20 Green Cc:rts & Recyclables Only own. The lounge will be opened by a reunion April 23 - 27 Garbage & Recyclables Only performance of the famous jazz group, The Lounge April 30 - May 4 Green Carts & Recyclables Only Lizards during Orientation Week 2007. May 7- 11 Garbage & Recyclables Only ~------~------~ For other collection areas, or for further information call 490-4000 or visit our website at www.halifax.ca/wrms POOP CHUTE: LETTER TO THE CREDITOR 3 Dear Students of Dalhousie, Please stop pestering us with collection notices. We cannot pay the levy fees.
Editor-In-Chief A .. staff contributor• is a member of the paper defined as In accordance with the Debt Collection Act, please find below the answers your ques Who is this? a person who ha• had three volunteer articles. or photo· graphs of reasonable length, and/or substance published in tions. whereishe "'ddl azett, .ca three different issues within the current publishing year. 1. We do not know, exactly, the amount paid. It is lost in the annals of our bookkeeping. Copy Editor rite Gazette is the official written record of Dalhousie Uni versity since 1868 and is open to participation from all stu As you are well aware, we are the oldest campus newspaper in the country. As such, we have Deadlines, remember? dents. It is published weekly during the academic year by dictator( Finally, cease and desist from contacting me in this, and any and all related matters, except All contributions in this issue of 71ze GazRlle have been made up and iU'e completely false. via registered mail, and only then to inform me that you are terminating all efforts to collect. They were made up by staff and selected 'elite' contributors who will not be listed for fear of retribution. Inside jokes become common after you've been wo rki ng with someone for countless Although, as stated above, any mail from you will be immediately discarded, so you might as hours a week for the past several months. You should fee l left out if you don't get them and I well not bother. recommend you join The Gazette next year so you can be in on the fun as well. We get free beer, if you need more incentive. All these silly li ttle comments this week have been made up by me or stolen from the Internet by me. Ca n you steal from the Internet? Isn't that li ke saying you're Sincerely, breathing my air? CHIEF EDITOR, The Gazette We also stole this disclaimer. KIT KAT PIZZA DON~RS - SUBS - SEAFOOD BACK PAGES ~@«LU~ 429-3223 or 425-2229 Books bought and sold ~ ~£UI1UTill& 2314 Gottingen St., Halifax Buy a 16" pizza 1526 Queen St., Where students party &play pooe Halifax 423-4750 Rode A Roll Tan .. w/ works for $13.99, D_..._,. get 9" garlic fingers ._.._ for$1 .00 100% fresh or~anic Introducing MIRELLA direct from Toronto A hairstylist wtltt fiilir thar will eteate a /oolc that tS you. 16" pepperoni pizza for sold frozen ...6 ...... Pool. T,aw .. $9.25 15% Off for Students ..... for your convenience Or_Sp_ or 2 for $16.99 Book an appointment w1th MIRELLA at: 2 med. pizzas Available at Pete's Frootique Arl-··- w/3 toppings and Saturdays Yoiregoin g to love this place! $14.99 at the Halifax Farmers' Market 5619 .~wi•tr G.mlm Rmd 51117 Soler stnHOI (lower level) H,,Jrjiu·, W1n S.Wi11 3 small donairs 423·2522 - locasBar.com for $7.99 plus tax www.lifesgoodsoup. com TEL , 90!.4!2 HJS •'~"90L/.!2.ollo 4 20-9999 611 2 Quinpool Rd. @Vernon St. IServing Halifax Peninsula & Fairmount 444-9999 480 Parkland Dr. Se rving Clayton Par k , Fa irview, 3 Medium Pizzas Kingswood, & Bedford South of 6 Toppings (combined) Hammond Plains Rd. POOP CHUTE: SPEWS 4 Spews Editor: Read Northdlck Assistant Editor: Katie Maynot Talk Contact: [email protected] ! Grad cock rings recalled RusTY RuLER The cock ring controversy Resident Penis Enthusiast sparked a worldwide protest last month. Sex-deprived Dal alumni alhousie issued a recall of all formed a group called "We want our D graduation cock rings last week cocks back." after several alumni suffered from The group published advertise shrinkage below the belt. ments in hundreds of newspapers Several reports also indicate the that read: "Missing: Our Cocks. Help rings, designed for men's fifth ap us get back the only thing we learned pendage, may lead to dwarfism. to use in university." Alumnus Dick Cockburn said Dal officials later issued the re his "little fella" turned blue several call and have since recovered less months after he started wearing his than one third of the 2,000 rings, grad ring. A few weeks later, he said, which were first issued during the the ring was the only object visible 2004/2005 academic year. President between his legs. Thomas Teeny said he's sorry for the "I can't get up in the morning, alumni's losses. in more ways than one," said Cock "Make no mistake, we value the burn. "There's just nothing there. I'd cock," Teeny said in a statement re take the ring off, but I can't find what leased earlier this week. "We are work it's attached to. ing night and day to recover the rings, "I've resorting to talking to the and the province's health officials are little fella, trying to convince it to identifying methods to bring alumni Sex bursary to draw Toronto pop out of its shell." cocks back out of their shells." 'harlot demographic' DIRK DIGGLER harlot demographic at Dalhousie," for my exams this year, get decent Contributing Sex Monger said Travers. "But chicks from Toronto grades, get the bursary and stuff are hungry for the cock, so we really my pants with the ultimate Toronto alhousie has invested $5 mil feel we need to capitalize on that." chick magnet- money." D lion in a new bursary for male News of the bursary's launch has Female high school students students to help them seduce their left campus in a sex-deranged frem:y. in Toronto, meanwhile, have been Toronto-born female counterparts. Hundreds of male students have flocking to libraries across the city in The move is geared toward attracting been seen chasing their busted pants record numbers. more students from Canada's most buttons with flies down and erections Lacy Loafsdaddacok said she's populous city. dangling out their Dockers. now dedicated to reaching the "over University mouthpiece Thomas Dandy Dingles couldn't keep whelmingly high" grade standards at Travers said females from Toronto are drool from trailing out his mouth. Dal. "gold diggers" and would likely flock "Tee-dot sluts are where it's at," "I'm like totally stoked to get to to the university in a widespread hunt the 13th-year philosophy student Dal campus," she said. "I can't wait for wealthy male students. said. to see all the meat, I mean, meal "We haven't yet tapped the hussy/ ''I'm going to actually study plans at Dalhousie." We've been waiting all year for an excuse to print the word cock. And that moment Is finally here! Cock, balls, cock, penis wrinkle, cock, cock, cock. 1!1on: Co<.k Cold War designs save Killam from fire JAMES PORKMANSTEIN StaffMuckraker J\ fire in the basement of the Kil r\.iam Library incinerated the building's interior. The fire consumed all books, ar chives and furniture, but no one was hurt. Several of the librarians were slightly annoyed. Halifax fire chiefJ.Q. Firehydrant said the fire began as a practical These creatures have sometimes been mistaken for beached whales. We're told they're in fact joke, but the police haven't yet found human. But we don't really believe it. Phot~ 0 oiJieo e w J1ed., re the arsonist. "It looks like we're dealing with a classic case of a dump and run," said Firehydrant, referring to the burning Union execs charged with bag of dog feces that was left in front of the electronics department. Dalhousie student Mark Geek, unlawful ugliness who found the bag, said he panicked. "I didn't know what do with it, fLUFFY "THE CAT" DOWNS from potential injuries. so I kicked it onto the transformer," Staff Pussy "I couldn't tell if what I saw was Geek said. a stack of dead ocean mammals or The transformer caught fire and This university Is going straight to helL You heard It here first, folks. Photo i)o y1u even JAr ' J\ Dalhousie student was taken to people," said Seenisafore. "But we it quickly spread to the rest of the ~ospital last week after finding weren't prepared to take any risks building. student union executives fornicat with our health. We have been in The exterior structure of the li According to original building sales this summer to replace the ing in the campus bar. vestigating this group for several brary appeared unaffected by the plans, the army planned to use the university's "outstanding" repertoire Tarmaye Iseout suffered a heart months and are well aware that their flames that rocked the building's atrium as a missile launching pad, the of books. attack when he witnessed all five haggard appearances have eroded study and storage areas. Smoke bil circulation desk as a control centre "Right now, we're looking for Dalhousie Student Union executives any claims to human dignity." lowing out of the atrium was the and the Second Cup as a Starbucks. anything we can get our hands on," engaged in what he described as "a Police charged the executives only evidence of fire. But when Dal decided it needed said Crosby. "Though we'd prefer disgusting orgy" in the Grawood. with five counts of indecent ex The Killam was built with metre a library in 1971, it bought the Killam more academic stuff, we'll take Mad "All I could see was rolls of male posure and 25 counts of unlawful deep concrete walls, which kept the from the government. magazines, Danielle Steele novels, flesh and a goatee," said Iseout. "Didn't ugliness after last week's incident. burning building from collapsing. "I was surprised they were able even used Playboys." they do enough damage with that Seenisafore said police likely now Architect Leslie Watchman said the to make the thing into a library," To give students a similar study photo in the student handbook where have enough evidence to put the ex Killam wasn't originally designed as a Watchman said. "I mean, the fact we space for exams, the administration they weren't wearing any shirts?" ecutives behind bars for a long time. library. didn't leave room for any windows bought the University of King's Col Police arrived on the scene at 1 "These guys have been a threat "We built her to launch missiles and the amount of nuclear waste lege's library. Plans are underway to a.m. on April 5. Chief investigator to Dalhousie students for too long," at Russian subs," said Watchman. still being stored there, I can't imag fill the windows with bricks, remove Ivaneever Seenisafore said officers he said. "We are confident the ex "The idea was if there were any of ine anyone can work." any relevant books and rename the immediately threw blankets over ecutives will face extensive jail sen them in the harbour, we'd just blast Dal spokesman Charles Crosby library "Killam 2: Tom Traves' Re- the executives to protect themselves tences for their grisly appearances." 'em from Dal." said librarians will scour garage venge." · POOP CHUTE: SPEWS 5 DSU prez poses nude in Playgirl IVANA HAVISTITS DSU Incest Whistleblower he outgoing president of the T Dalhousie Student Union re cently posed in Playgirl magazine as part of his final efforts to represent the union. Ezra Edelstein "flaunted his goods" for the publication's an nual "Student Bodies" college issue, which is expected to be released in May. The "erotic" magazine chooses 10 "men about campus" each year to feature in nude and semi-nude poses. Senior editor Colleen Kane We admit that this story and photo are extremely lame. A certain douchebag atThe Gazette Is spotted Edelstein when a copy of solely responsible. You know who you are! >''Jot R ent J the 2006 /2007 DSU Handbook was anonymously sent to her office. In the handbook, the all-male execu tive poses shirtless. "We usually go for the varsity athlete or fraternity president look," said Kane. "But when I took a look Codd narrowly escapes bloody attack at Ezra and those wavy locks, he seemed like the clear choice. Our PAWN JACKMAN things," he said. "They're like rats readers have indicated that they are Contributing Douche with flippers. becoming more drawn to that 'natu "I wanted to be a convenience ral' look that doesn't involve a lot of alhousie's 100-kilogram bull store clerk, but no. My parents said tanned skin and rippling muscles. D seal attacked a marine biology I should get into academia." "I can only imagine that whoever professor during a presentation for Doris Patterson's Grade 2 class sent me the handbook wanted to children last week. watched the bloody attack. The Bed draw my attention to Ezra's raw tal Periwinkle the seal bit Derek ford Elementary Academy class had ent." Codd's arm after the professor glued come to see a promotional presenta Edelstein said he's excited about a large clown wig to the seal's head. tion, "The Fun of Marine Biology." the prospect of being in an interna In a perverse tum of events, Ezra Edelstein actually got laid following the photo shoot with Upon realizing how silly he looked, The presentation was designed to tional publication. Playgirl. We would li ke to thank the unlucky lady for busti ng Edelstein's cherry. Maybe now he won 't Periwinkle attacked the professor. boost the Dal's enrollment by inform "SMU student union President be so bitchy. / P~oto I 'dYQ•rl F. Pad\bQy After biting the tenured profes ing future recruits about the universi Zach Churchill posed for Bluenotes sor, Periwinkle tried to drag him into ty's marine biology program. last summer and we didn't hear the ''I'm really glad people can see his arms are." the waters of Dal's Aquatron, the Patterson said the presentation end of it," said Edelstein. ''I'm pretty I'm not just ali about student advo The source said LeClair, DSU marine biology's research facility. was the worst she's ever seen. sure that this will shut him up." cacy, and that there is more behind vice president (finance and op Codd managed to beat the seal away "This was even worse than the The former math major is con this stoic exterior." erations), goes to the gym as much by repeatedly bludgeoning it with time they tried to make the Imagine sidering turning this modelling stint The Gazette has received a tip from as Edelstein, and even more on the metre-long clown shoes he was 07 event more exciting by gluing an into a full-time profession. a confidential source, however, that Wednesdays. wearing. afro-wig to Tom Traves' head," said "It was a pretty classy shoot over the anonymous mail-out came from Any monkey can handle CASP>s In the middle of the spectacle, the Patterson. all. I'm pretty sure I made the right another DSU executive member. $400,000 budget, said the source, children began to scream and throw The marine biology department decision going fu ll out with the nu "How could Coll een possibly but LeClair has "the mad skillz, es their bagged lunches at the seal. said despite the relatively poor result, dity and to include the flamingoes. I think that Ezra is the best-looking pecially at nerf gun shooting. That's Codd was noticeably shaken by officials will hold the presentation figure this is just the first step to big one in that photo?" the source said right, son." the incident. again. Next time, the department ger and better things. Just IMAGINE last week. "Chad LeClair is clearly the LeClair was not available for "God, I hate these fucking plans to glue a wig onto a walrus. the possibilities," said Edelstein. buffest one - look at how sculpted comment. ! Traves, Edelstein caught in wild sex ad MIKE TIPPING Staff Rat everal Dalhousie students say Sthey found university President Tom Traves in his office last week ESEARCH handcuffed to his desk, sporting only a leopard-print thong and a and the FUT RE of Health Care. pink tutu. Traves was dancing to disco The Dalhousie Medical Research Foundation (DMRF) is pleased sensation Boney M's "Horny Unit ed," says witness Grouse Towt, who to present guest speaker: stormed the president's office with four other students looking for a box of condoms. The president was swinging a ze Ms. Rasheda Ali bra-print tartan that is rumoured to have once covered the midsection of (Daughter of world-famous athlete, Muhammad Ali) student union chief Ezra Edelstein. Edelstein appeared shocked Understanding her father's Parkinson 's has allowed Ra when he entered the room behind to spread awareness and hope for all affected by this the students wearing no clothes and neurodegenerative disease. holding a leather whip, giant plastic tube and gerbil, says Towt. "We knew Ezra and the student Please join us for a unique public lecture blending personal experienc union were in bed with the admin istration, but we never knew it went with scientific discussion of future Parkinson's treatments. this far," says Towt. "If we hadn't in terrupted this midday sexcapade, it looked like Ezra was gonna serve Wed., April18, 2007 • 7:00 - 9:00 p.m. limited seating. Traves with that rodent." (lecture, Research Panel Discussion &Reception) For more information contact: Traves denies the incident in Tom Traves was a ballerina volved anything "out of the ordi before becoming president of Dalhousie. University of King's College [email protected] nary." The alleged sex act was merely I Photo lllustra t io~ U!dl Monger Alumni Hall, New Academic Building or 494-4529 "university business," says Traves, http://ihrtp.medicine.dal.ca a "cordial" interview between col 6350 Coburg Rd. , Halifax, NS The referendum on student leagues. "Ezra and I have been hold spaces, says Traves, was a shining ing these meetings for the past six example of how the affair best serves Parkinson Society Maritime Region \Ui1 DALHOUSIE months," he says. "I resent any sug the student body. Edelstein was not available for \$'UNIVERSITY gestion that our relationship com Societe Parkinson Regional Maritime promises the interests of Dalhousie comment. He was still looking for Inspiring Mitu:ls students." his pants. POOP CHUTE: I COMMANDEERED THIS PAGE, SUCKERS! 6 hat bu ns 's shit SuE nal navigation system. Just stop at a "revenge is a dish best served cold" fucking gas station, Matt. MAROUN Having a 24-year-old dependent Staff Strumpet son who claims he's my roommate. Get off the goddamn shit, fuzzy man o you know what burns my peach (Peter). D shit? People trying to tell me what Well I'll tell you. burns my shit about their shit. Quit Finding out on New Years Day copy editing what burns my shit that I was hired, and start tomorrow. about you, Jessica. Isn't there a ciga What do we pay you for, Rafal? rette you should be smoking or a Journalists telling me how to bottle you should be downing? lay out a paper. Leave your dick at People who claim they can run a home, Reid. better news section than Reid South People who invent polysyllabic wick. Stay in your thought bubbles, words to appear intelligent. Eg: Katie May. P.S. no eye contact. enormousize, enigmatize, thesau People who try to burn other risize, lamisize. Get a real job ... Sue people's shit through my shit by Maroun. burning my shit through their shit. That guy at the office that does This isn't a fucking soapbox, Reid, it's extremely poor impressions of peo what burns my shit. ple. For the sake of argument, we'll Empty space in The Gazette. label him John Packman. "Look, I'm There was a whole lot of it after I laid wearing Sue's hat," says the douche. out this slammin' article. That concludes the impression. Ordinarily, I stop at nothing to People who like unicorns with fill empty and make sure the layout rainbows shining out their asses, doesn't look stupid. But since I have and burning my shit on a weekly secretly commandeered this page basis with photo spreads. It's been a with an article about what burns my slice, Fartsies. shit, it seems only appropriate that I That guy who thinks D.O. is fun People who try to bum other people's shit through my shit by burning my shit through their shit. mention that this white space abso ny. It's not funny, man, it's not funny. lutely positively BURNS MY SHIT! It burns my shit. Skankasaurus Rex. cousins and chair launching - all of having no soul to The Poop Chute A naked girl jumping in my bed at Working at a job that has a the stuff that makes Jerry Springer office, Room 312 of the SUB. four o'clock in the morning, spoon comparable environment to a Jer funny. My boyfriend claiming he has ex FUCKYOUWHITE SPACE! ing my boyfriend and then playing ry Springer episode, sans the KKK We need therapy. Psych students, tensive military training and there with my dog. You know who you are, members, transvestites, kissing please bring your resumes and proof fore believes he possesses an inter- -Maroun out Student Employment Centre We're here to help ... all year 'round Do you need a job? Congratulations all 2006 Graduates! Is your resume working for you? Stay connected- our services don't stop when you graduate. SEC offers Job and Volunteer Postings, Stop in and meet with an Employment Advising and Resume Critiques to Employment Advisor to students and alumni. learn how you can get the BEST job. - Resume and Cover letter Review - Career and Job Search Advising Summer Hours: Monday to Friday 8:30 am - 4:00 pm. -Online Job Postlngs Job and Volunteer Postings at www.dal.cajsec lWJ DALHOUSIE 4th Floor· Student Union Building • 446-6136 University Avenue· Tel: {902) 494-3537 \.ll' UNIVERSITY To access job postings and view the career events calendar go to www.dal.ca/sec @ POOP CHUTE: UNINFORMED OPINIONS 7 Uninformed Opinions Editor: "Johnboy" Contact: [email protected] Umericks will test DSU wannabes KIMSUM JAPCHES Staff Laughing Stock applaud the Dalhousie Student ! Union for using on-the-spot lim erick testing to elect our future rep resentatives. It was a ballsy move to scrap the dated system, which asked students to rank candidates. Limer ick testing will ensure students have quick-witted representatives, some thing the DSU has lacked in recent years. A few limericks leaked to this outstanding publication show there were members of the DSU ready for Streeter regular Joey Ryba will be moving out of his current spot. spot-checks on their limerick virtu osity. Rumours abound, both verified and otherwise, of roaming poets being on the payroll for next year's elections. "English iambic pentameter," New Gazette weirdo writes one elected candidate, "is dull versus my new parameter I which I will inherit I all thanks to my merit: I needed my pen of a whopping diameter." Another candidate wrote, "I am JOE MANPACK know how repetitive the Dutch oven an Ontarian Lady I when drunk, my enthusiast's rants really are. behaviour turns shady. I If you vote A two-tonne machin e manned by th ree engineers will judge DSU candidate's limericks for th eir azette sports editor Joey Ryba Former Gazette staff member for me I right after I pee I I'll show cadence, humour an d overall cleverness. Gwill be leaving his hallowed spot Chris LaRoche originally held Ryba's you what Mom says degrades me." in the streeter. current spot. As Ryba's answers were The English department and "Giving politicians, even the the composition of pithy rhymes at He first appeared on Nov. 3, 2005, inspired by his personality, LaRoche's numerous members of the admin depressingly uninteresting student tough times. answering a question about his quotes sprang ftom the disturbingly istration aren't enthused about the politicians, free rein over versifica I think it's most fitt ing to remind thoughts on daylight savings time. creepy pictures that appeared over prospects of dirty and non-dirty tion through limericks is a danger everyone about the importance of "It's great! I get a whole extra hour to his answers. (also known as "boring") limericks ous game." this new policy through the most blast gas in my sleep," he said. While LaRoche's answers didn't flooding the electoral fields. This new limericking policy will eloquent verses of this year's clan For the next year-and-a-half, shy away from pornography and One professor, preferring to remain test the versatility of otherwise un destine limerick testing: "There was Ryba consistently answered streeter masturbation, most were con anonymous, said, "There is nothing re thinking B-list politicians. a young man from B.C. I who, post questions with commentary on far cerned with insulting King's College deeming about limericks, not even the The current system is fl awed. partying, was too pained to pee. I ting, Dutch ovens, masturbation or students or simply being creepy. few that manage to incorporate the We need to fill those plush and pad His testicular lumps I turned out to Bleu Nuit, a soft porn television show Topics ranged from necrophilia to Lady of Shalot, which rhymes with a ded DSU chairs with bums who can be mumps/ 'Ne'er again shall Halifax that airs on a Quebec station. LaRoche's fictional frequent visits to lot. .. of different dirty things. think fast, and who are adept at I see' ... (said he)." Gazette staff members invented the Palace. Ryba's quotes, but the words were LaRoche finally left the streeter always inspired by the notorious after he and his sister applied for sports editor. the same job and he didn't get it. When the real world Ryba smiles The employer said the decision was or laughs without provocation it's based on the comments LaRoche usually because he's thinking about made in the streeter. SUBTLE ADVERTISING one of the four categories. Just as LaRoche left the streeter This year, Ryba's most frequent last year, Ryba is now off to greener questions were not "Do you know the pastures. The Gazette needs a new time?" or "How's it going?" They were face and persona to fill the void. "Do you know what a Dutch oven is?" Interested applicants should or "Do you like Dutch ovens?" send nude photos and a brief de Several readers have complained scription, written in blood, indi that Ryba's answers are repetitive cating why they deserve to be the IF YOU ARE A STUDENT or childish. But these readers don't streeter's new weirdo. AND WANT OR NEED Attention Students Great Student Hous.ng at OCEAN TOWERS From $700 - $875 per month !f Large suites with Ocean Views TO TRAVEL THIS SUMMER, .!f FREE Fitness Facility access C!:f FREE wireless study .!f 24-hr security TRAVEL CUTS WILL SAVE !f YOU MONEY. Join the best dressed. Join the Krisp Militia. Sign up today at: IT'S THAT SIMPLE. utterlykrisp.com get a chance to win a limited edition t-shlrt EVERY MONTH. Thts month from Tnumvir, win a tee w1th a limited edition Spedd~ street-weer end Sred<.ers snowtrooper beer cozy. For Lnique !..odes ~ Ger&men Only 500 made. NIKE 110 DEEP I SHMACK I TRIUMVIR 3 I JB CLASSIC 'S I EDWIN JEANS I SHTHWK ARTFUL DODGER I GRAVIS BLACK BOX I SNEAKER PIMPS I SPOONFED I ORISUE 902-429-3530 I utterlyknsp.com I myspace.com/krispklothmg I 5189 Sackville St. I Halifax, N.S. In an exam-review dass ••. Prof: So, what are some of the main themes of our course which may come up on the exam? Class: (Absolutely silent) Prof: Say some one had a gun to your head, what are some of the main themes? At the Killam ... Guy: Today I've eaten five hotdogs, a bag of chips and four cookies. I bet it would look really gross if I puked. Sexton Ubrary •.. EnglneerGuyl: Dude, I'm going to go study at Killam. EngGuy2: What? Why? EngGuyl: Because there's more girls there! ''I'm going back home and sewing all the blankets together ''I'm going to reorganize my Penthouse collection." for the biggest Dutch oven in history." At Starbucks ... Joey Ryba, fourteenth year archivist Joey Ryba, sixth-year knitting Girl: 10 p.m. isn't that late. Neither is ll...but 11:30 is almost midnight. In the Killam ... Girl: I have a World War 1 exam tomorrow and a paper due Friday. I'm getting stressed! Guy: (looking at her agenda) Yeah, that looks pretty packed ... what the WWI stand for? In the Poop chute office .•. Us: Man, poor nun that's in the photo. John: Fuck 'er. In Abnormal Psych .•. Prof: Anyone in the class have a phobia? Girl: I have, like, this phobia of Michael Jackson's eyes in the Thriller video. Ever since I was a kid, l've been like so scared of scary eyes. ''I'm going to see if I can get my sister to teach me how ''I'm going to drink till I can't see." Prof: Right... to be a residence assistant." Joey Ryba, third-year opthamologist On the Killam staircase •.. Joey Ryba, first-year Howe Hall R.A. Girl: I'd recognize that cute little butt anywhere. (Smacks guy's butt. Guy turns around) Guy: Uh, I think you got the wrong butt. Girl: Oh shit, 1 thought you were my cousin. 1 HOT: End of dasses tit NOT: Start of exams 1 HOT: Being in the Not column a NOT: Complaining about the Not column 1 HOT: Getting sick during exams NOT: Being able to lie without guilt a ''I'm going to try to start a stripping career." ''I want to learn French and try to pick up Acadians." 1 HOT: Making up news a NOT: "Research" Joey Ryba, second· year pornographer Joey Ryba, fifth· year languages 1 HOT: Ripping off U Dong a NOT: Thinking for yourself 1 HOT: Finishing the year a NOT· Getting a real job 1 HOT: Seeing old friends I'Ji NOT: Realizing they're dicks 1 HOT: Procrastinating a NOT. Studying 1 HOT: Flying home a NOT: Busing home 1 HOT: Doing the last Hot or Not ~.1 T: Having no way to vent frustration ''I'm going to take Cold-fX until I can see through walls." ''I'm going to learn to be a math teacher ... No, really." Joey Ryba, first-year pharmaceuticals Joey Ryba, last-year Gaze'iter Views expressed in the Hot or Not feature, The Word at IJal, and Streeter are solely those of the contributing writers or th~ individual pictured, and do not necessarily represent thr views of The Gazelle or iL< staff. The quotes said by joey Ryba in the Streeter are completely fabricated by the staff and do not necessarily represent views held by joey Ryba himself, The Gazelle and or its staff. J he Word at Dal is taken from a Facebook group, with permission of the founder. Copying Faxing Digital Services Large Format Printing Mailbox Rentals Packing Services Packing Supplies Courier Services Queen Street Plaza 1096 Queen Street Tel: 902.423.2788 The UPS Store FILLER. KtT KAT PIZZA DONAIRS • SUBS • SEAFOOD 429-3223 or 425-2229 2314 Gottingen St., Halifax Buy a 16" pizza wlworks for $13.99, get 9" garlic fingers for$1.00 16" pepperoni pizza for $9.25 RENTALS, LESSONS and more••• or 2 for$16.99 2 med. pizzas 5239 blowers street-just above the subway- 431.7873 w/3 toppings $14.99 wwW'.hurricanesur£.corn 3 small donairs for $7.99 plus tax lVIETRO SELF-STORAGE HEY STUDENTS! 20% OFF STORAGE SPACE IS LIMITED, CALL NOW! WWW.METROSELFSTORAGE.ACL.CA POOP CHUTE: FARTS & SEPULCHRE 10 Farts & Sepulchre Editor: Laurel Throughway Assistant Editor: Ashlay Albatross Contact: [email protected] e p aces you'll go A Seussian' Interview with Dr. Aucoin KARYN HAAG hair perlect? Word Rhymer So, shears in hand, and my nerves quietly in tow, A listener will remove a lock of my hair after each and every alifax based musician Rich Aucoin, show. H With a member of The Gazette, who did gladly join, And so it'll be until it's all gone, my helmet now lose-fitting, Sat down for a chat with perlect timing. stuffed with Kleenex and yam . And found their voices were curiously rhyming. G: Is it true, as we've been told, Gazette: I know, dear reader, you think this is a spoof, 'That within you exists a heart of gold? But Rich Aucoin will give us proof. In that heart there will be a great light, Mr. Aucoin, I've heard that you are full of ambition, In which people will delight? Why are you departing in such a condition? A: '!his is all for people tall and small and slow and quick, Aucoin: With a bike, wheel and cap on my head. People who are healthy and people who are sick, A strong cap, no doubt, to keep me from harm, For young and old and near and far, for people whb vvish on I'll have two sacks on my bike and a phonograph player in each new night's star, arm. For indie kids and cartoon fans for the average Jill or Joe and With equipment carefully stowed, I'll bike road to road, travelling bands, And peddle coast to coast to raise money for those who need For the Canadian Cancer Society and all the good they do, it most. And last, but not least, this is for you. Playing shows to and fro, my hrst tour, Oh, the Places You'll Go' I'll spread the Seussian sync and good vibrations from the G: I've heard you climb mountains, songs And gaze upon fountains, Where Whos from all over can come out in throngs 'There is no doubt that you'll reach the big show, Victoria to Halifax May 11th to August 12th Where are some of the places you'll go? I'll be peddling on my bike just me and myself. The Bubbles vibe sprouts from a very humble seed. A: Up and down and round and round; the Rockies are the G: I see that you respect one Dr. Seuss, starting point bound That his rhyming and timing you put to good use. To Victoria, Vancouver and Nelson I'll wander, What is it about Seuss you admire? Calgary, Edmonton, Saskatoon and then yonder And how in the future, to him, you'll aspire? Through Winnipeg. Thunder Bay and Sault Ste. Made Interview with Bubbles? Past Toronto, Guelph, and Ottawa I'll just about have hit sea A: Dr. Seuss spreads happiness like spreadable jam, Montreal, then Fredericton, and perhaps Sackville too! The Poop Chute sits down with Bubbles impersonator With The Cat ln The Hat and Green Eggs and Ham. I'll end up back here in August with you. Oh, the Places You'll Go! inspires people to run on life's track, How the Grinch Stole Christmas teaches us how to love each G: Until you escape all that waiting. H ILARY BEAUMONT long I think it's time I get a try out." other back. To find all the bright places you're playing. Arts Questioner Cook claims he started imper You're anxious to leave and come back again, sonating Bubbles more than five G: Offyou will go thump-thumping and bump-bumping. What will fill your time until then? 'l/\ Jho is a Traile r Park Boys ambas years ago in order to get a song Qanging and banging and trump-a-trump-trumping. V V sador, wears thick coke-bottle played on the radio. He called Ot Could you describe this glorious sound, A: Before I embark on this adventure, I'll be perlorming non glasses and describes his voice as "a tawa's CHEZ 106.1 and requested That will be heard the whole wide world around? stop white Barry White with his tonsils "Tom Sawyer" by Rush in a perfect ln Halifax at Gus', the Seahorse, the Music Room and a benefit removed?" imitation of Bubbles' hoarse voice. A: This solUlds like whozits and wassits and chimmers and at the Bus Stop, Andrew Cook may not be the Not only did the station play Rush, it chimers alike, ln Wolfville on the verge then to Toronto for a festival called first name that comes to mind, but recorded his request as a sound clip Rather like the sound of a one-man-band on a bike! Over the Top! neither is Mike Smith, who plays and used it for publicity. Glockenspiels, organs, pianos and drums, horns, vibraphones So catch me if you can as this might be your last chance Bubbles on the hit TV-show, Trailer After his initial success in the and voices sung from the lungs As the Grinch sync might be retired to a seasonal glance. Park Boys. role, Cook got in touch with a cast Violins, cellos, electrical guitars and bass, percussion chimes There is little difference between ing agent from the Trailer Park Boys. and fifes, G: With your choppy hair flip- flapping. the "fun-loving, adorable character" He hasn't heard back, but he hopes Marimbas, tin whistles, turn tables and recorders, tympani, And your bicycle click-clacking. Cook plays and the original Smith that considerable group support will bongos and a voice-fill vocoder. The time will come when you need a snack, version, except that one has a prom give him another shot. But when oh when do you expect to come back? inent role on the show and the other ''I'd like them to look at my pack G: Your curly gold ringlets you'll willingly clip, does not. age," says Cook. "Not like that, you While you are gone away on your lengthy bike trip. A: ln August another Church might be played, But Cook has a plan to change silly fuck," he adds in a Bubbles' How will you find a hip "Who" to snip your hair, With bells and whistles by some of Halifax's finest musicians that. voice. And where will you send it with all of your care? displayed. On April 2, the self-proclaimed Cook says his convincing im So be on the look-out as the one-man band turns into a group, "Bubbles Jr." created a group on personations have helped him out A: Every year, people full of cheer let the barber grab her or his It could be one night only so don't stay out of the loop. Facebook to secure a role on the of many bad situations - he's even shears If you're nervous at all, don't worry and fret, show. By printing a list of the 550 made a few grizzled cops laugh. And cut their hair for those affected by cancer's chemo effect. I'm sure you'll be able to read all about it in an upcoming issue group members and presenting it as "Anyone can put on the glasses," But who needs a barber when there are listeners who cut my of The Gazette. a petition to the show's producers, Cook says. "But you have to get the he hopes to make his debut. mannerisms, the voice. Be humble, In the group description, Cook Bubbles comes from humble begin writes, "I've been acting the role so nings." MORE SPACE FILLER .. THEY DO IT TOO, YA KNOW. "The best comic book shop ever. ... and watch your head on the way in. - Wikimapia.org :n~ S262 SACK ILLE ST DO NTO N ALIFA 425·2140 POOP CHUTE: FARTS & SEPULCHRE l 11 ------Panda, spam inconvenience Halifax Shocking details revealed below EDNA PILAF Arts Violator he Union of All Musicians Every Twhere (UAME) announced to the world's larger pockets that all tours to the fair, yet far, city of Halifax would cease until further notice. UAME's announcement arrived after many Halifax faces began to MARCUS AURELIUS of chance. My boot narrowly pout and ask objects (that were thor Arts Emperor missed a stiletto heel, which oughly incapable of answering) why would have caused a delicious the city has been utterly void of out Audiencereaction: A(pparently) fall and possibly allowed a of-town musical acts for an indeter Sound: F(rom all I heard) glimpse of the stage. But this minable length of time - around Stage presence: F(rom all I saw) was not the case. Instead these three months. Crowd: F(ucking bastards) people politely stepped over Until at least some of these sen my toes and continued to block tences were written, the real reasons 1\ rriving at the undisclosed my gaze. IMPERTINENCE! behind UAME's final decision had .rl.location was pretty fun. I Only one recourse left, I never been known. walked in and people looked at stepped onto my chair. Lo and One reason (proclaimed to be me, probably thinking to them behold I could see everything "real," but it wasn't really) was the selves, "That guy is pretty slick." and my heart soared like the peripheral position of the city. The And I was. I headed to the bar, hawk I am. Suddenly, I was well-groomed voice of a UAME rep ordered a drink and shouted at thrust forward and, for the first resentative suggested the Maritime the bartender for extra olives on time in my long life, I surfed city either move 300 kilometres west the side of my Shirley Temple. the crowd. Oh, the pure mo or sprout oil wells. With olives in hand, I cir ment of delight that followed These preposterous reasons were cled the bar like a hawk on is indescribable and perhaps later pushed aside when this aggres an assignment from The Poop best left to that description. sive reporter did so. Apparently, the Chutei swooped in when a seat I woke up the next morning health and safety of travellers to-ing by the stage opened up. Yup, I in the now defunct smoking and fro-ing along the only road link got it. But, to my shock, a crowd room of the bar. Vaguely recall ing Halifax and Montreal over the quickly formed directly in front ing a sharp downward turn to past sextet of months has been dubi of my table. It was actually im wards the floor, I blacked out. ous at best. possible to see. It really was! The people responsible for the An impassable panda (not unlike "What next?" I thought to ruination of this report card the abominable snowman, though myself. Clearly, the only thing to are clearly those initial perpe more ferocious) is presently terror If you like giant pandas and Spam - Halifax is the perfect destination. I Photo. Raphal:l of !he 1ge Mutant Nin1a Turtle~ "Heroes tn a half well turtle po r. do would be to make the people trators who blocked the stage. izing this windswept thoroughfare standing in front of me feel re A short description of these and, duri ng car-less interims, at ally guilty for blocking my en ruffians will end this review tempting to plant bamboo. down two beedy ears encircled with The city is expected to find out joyment of the show. First things in the hopes that they will be The rare breed of panda is over black and white fur really puts things about the Panda Problem (PP) later first - I crossed my arms and found, and tarred and feath 16 feet in height and any cuddle in perspective." this week when the food shortage glared from side to side. This ac ered like the swine they are. some demeanour is absent from its Of the Pallett entourage, only becomes painfully apparent. The tion was delivered with a loud Good Night! features. It is rumoured to have no two people unworthy of newsprint mayor of Halifax says he has been "Haruyph!" but the people in Perpetrator #1: A burly fel soul. were lost. This same entourage later planning ahead for this problem. front of me barely moved. low wearing maroon leather Owen Pallett of Final Fantasy bought plane tickets back to Toronto. "I've always enjoyed collecting Around this time, some mu pants. Hair was formed into reported the first spotting of the im Local musicians attempting the per cans of Spam - it's really quite fas sic started playing. I would say one solid spike that was de passable panda late last year on his ilous drive out of Halifax were first cinating to watch the evolving design the music came from the stage, signed to either poke people's ill-advised journey to H-city. These alerted to stay in one spot by other of the cans," the mayor said, relating but I wasn't really "qualified" to eyes out or obstruct an inno reports, initially muzzled by the musical sorts of persons. the tumultuous history of Spam and make that judgment consider cent bystander's view. Halifax Police and other sources, are Over the winter, this small but the metal that it imprisons it. ing my obstructed position. Perpetrator #2: A girl with now coming to light. Scary, boldly industrious group put on more "When I heard that Halifax would soon have no food I've decided to The loud, insufferable music long brown hair and bangs. printed words peppered Pallett's re shows than ever in an effort to divert donate my hefty collection. I firmly rendered all complaints of a vo She wore a black and white port - "impassable!" and "panda!" attention away from the threatening believe this will stem questions as cal nature impossible. I decided stripped shirt and had a high, were definitely mentioned. panda that has blocked all out-of to why I've avoided dealing with the on another approach, namely to unmistakably false laugh. "Funnily, my near brush with the town acts. PP." stick out my feet abruptly and Perpetrator #3: A skinny, panda thing only helped me con "I've basically been living at Gus' Spam rations will be given out at knock over as many of the irri buck-toothed man wearing front larger issues in my life," Pallett Pub and the One World Cafe," said the upcoming Museum Pieces CD re tants as possible. a cowboy hat and caring a cried above the din when called on the multiple members of Scribblers simultaneously. ''I'm looking forward lease on Apri/12 and the Dog Day CD Once again, my efforts pointy-edged briefcase. Likes his cellie. '1\nd, I have that big beast to this thing being shot or something release on April20. Come early-you'll were frustrated by the demon to pump air with arm. to thank for a performance univer sally acknowledged as great. Staring so I can finally go home for a while." probably be hungry. Roll up the rim cups make tasty delight 'm making a swift, yet modest pro I posal to use those Tim Hortons coffee cups efficiently. I can't help but notice those lovely cups of caf feine and gambling all over campus and piling up. The question is what do we do with all the used-up cardboard that seems to be filling garbages faster than last week's Poop chute? Lightly sautee and roast brown. The cups have a surprising amount of nutrition, and are perfect for the starving student. ·wE DELIVE Large and extra large cups can feed a student for one, or even two, Students chow down on Tlm Hortons' meals. tasty cups. I Pl\n ' AP For a zesty taste, chop cup into several pieces, grease pan and sprin The cups are efficient and if I kle in. Add barbecue sauce, diced may say, very tasty. This supplement USE YOUR DALCARD vegetables and soy sauce. Sprinkle is a great way to feed those starving salt and pepper, and enjoy! Dal students I see lurking around the Around exam time, who has time Daw gfather in hopes of freebies. to grocery shop? At the end of the So next time you are at Tim Hor year money seems to be dwindling ton's and are about to add another and what's left goes toward your next coffee cup to the toppling g,!ll'bage, caffeine fix. Now you can use that ave the cup. And thank me next change (: r a midday snack or meal time you get peckish. 429-8080 as well. POOP CHUTE: FARTS & SEPULCHRE 12 Sex with Sister Nora Marie 007 Soul Saver ny and all allegations that this is Ajust another example of the en croachment of King's University on a Dalhousie publication are purely false. Just because we have a chapel doesn't mean anything ... seriously. I told that girl not to mess with me anymore. Well, the death threats Dear Sister Nora Marie: are in the mail. I'm told they'll arrive Friday (something about two to five I hooked up with this girl at the business days if you're sending over a kilogram of printed material). But, Dome last week. A buddy of mine just to assure you of my hatred until said threats are in your grimy little just told me that he heard she has hands, this one's for you. herpes. What can I do? l. "Laughter (Victims)" - A Sunny Day in Glasgow -"John" 2. "Dump (Ashleigh's) Body in Rikki Lake"- Japanther 3. "Whatever Happened to (Ashleigh)?"- The Mendoza Line John, 4. "Satin in (Ashleigh's) Coffin"- Modest Mouse First off, you should be ashamed 5. "Dear Mr. (Ashleigh) There Are Over I ,000 Words for Shit and Only of yourself for hiding behind the One for Music. Fuck You, Out Hud."- Out Hud name of one of the great apostles to 6. "The Life & Death of Mr. (Ashleigh)"- PJ Harvey mask your identity. 7. "Clinically Dead" - Chad VanGaalen Second, you can do nothing. Her 8. "Upon this Tidal Wave of (Ash leigh's) Blood"- Clap Your Hands pes was created by Pope Sisinnius in God's policy is "you break it, you buy it." I Photo· Huqh Hefner Say Yeah! 708 AD as a pre-emptive punishment 9. "(Ashleigh) Better Be Quiet Now"- Elliott Smith for the break-up of Canadian super whip. When you've done that, you In times of need such as this, I al 10. "(Ashleigh) is Easy to Kill"- Beulah group Rush. It also serves as God's can give yourself 30 lashes on the ways encourage young girls to pray way of smiting you for such indecent back for thinking such impure and to the Virgin Mary. She is well experi transgressions of the flesh. unholy thoughts. enced in this area. You think of that when you have Self flagellation is the only way to Practically, you must endeavour to explain to your poor grandmother rid yourself of the demons that pos to find the boy who "fired the deadly why you can't give her a kiss because sess you. While you're at it, get your shot" (God's policy is "you break it, Ashleigh is too scared to respond so it's time to vanquish my foe you're having an "o utbreak." friend and whip him, too. The mor you buy it") and get him to the alter once and for all. Yours in God, tification of the flesh will save you in the House of our Saviour while SNM both from the pits of hell. there is still a chance that people will 1. "Planning Your Demise"- Laura and the Screaming Hearts Band Yours in God, buy the "premature baby" explana 2. "Blunt or Sharp Objects?"- The OJ Simpson Sing-a-Long Dear Sister Nora Marie: SNM tion. 3. "I'm not a Bad Person"-The Convincers I'm a first-year male living in res Don't worry if you don't love 4. "Fooling the Cops"- Getting Off Easy idence. I am kind of feeling attracted Dear Sister Nora Marie, him/know him/like him. It matters 5. "Compassion for No One" -Jaded to this other guy on my floor, and I I just found out last week that very little whether or not you are 6. "Crackdown" -Going to Jail think he likes me, too. How should I am pregnant. To make matters happy in your marriage, so long as 7. "Scared Out Of My Bejesuses"- Behind Bars make the first move? worse, I don't know who the father you are together in the eyes of God. 8. "'TWenty Years Later"-The Ex-Cons -Confused is! What should I do? That is what makes for a happy and 9. "I Still Hate Ashleigh"- Laura and the Screaming Hearts Band -Janie well-rounded childhood. Reunited The first move you can make, 10. "Life Without Ashleigh"-The Pretty Sweets Confused, is to get yourself a stiff Janie, -SNM PAVEMENT VERSUS PIXIES Pavement or Pixies? It's an age-old question. Well, not really, but it should be. We all voted for this guy. Because we think he's sexy. I Phvto ~tote n from ':h e ~~ met We won't mention names. If you think it's a shout-out, It probably is. Going down to get back up The extra pressure to not suck is killing us. J vs. $-Pavement- "Shady Lane" Pavement- "Space Ghost Jam" Selling yourself for grades Pavement- "Cut Your Hair" Pavement- "Spit on a Stranger" HOLLY G. LucKY If you've got that, these steps to you're getting dirty looks for dress Pavement- "Stereo" Chief ofStaff, Prime Minister pleasing your professor will keep ing like a whore. Take a couple days Pavement- "Rattled by the Rush" Stephen Harper you getting "II.' after "A." I was able off if you need to, but not in front Pavement- "Shoot the Singer" to score a sweet "A+" in Underwater of your target - otherwise they will Pavement- "Greenlander" H You passed Spanish because Basket Weaving 4006 after I learned know your true intentions). Pavement - "Passat Dream" you gave profesor Montoya a lap all about office hours- more like of The third step is to stop by dur Pavement- ''Ann Don't Cry" dance." fice minutes. ing every office hour they have. Go There is no better way to prove to There are five steps in the process. for the full hour. Prepare enough a person in authority that you mean The first step is to catch the questions so that you aren't left business than to give them a little target's eye. Wear a low-cut shirt speechless. "something something." to show off your breasts. If you're a Usually four or five questions Not only is this practice extreme man, wear some tight pants to show will do, but you may not need any, Pixies- ''Alec Eiffel" depending on how much the profes ly popular among youth today, it off your package. If you're Jacking ei Pixies- "Number 13 Baby" also has been extremely successful ther, empty your sock drawer before sor likes the sound of their voice. Pixies - "U-Mass" throughout history. you leave home. The fourth step is to remem Pixies - "Head On" How do you think people get The second step is to impress the ber your subtleties. You can't be an Pixies- "Break My Body" overt slut: "Oh professor what a huge where they are? Stephen Harper person from whom you seek to gain Pixies- "Cactus" lovely man penis you have." But you would never have been prime min magical marks. You have to be a little Pixies- "Dead" ister unless he had learned to give bit smart to do this. can't also be a timid bible thumper: Pixies- "Gigantic" "I can't have sex until I'm married." a couple rim jobs along the way. In Start by writing them a note, as Pixies- "Holiday Song" fact, Stephen is quite good-he gets signment or creating a picture that The final step is going for the Pixies- "Mr. Grieves" his nose right in there. you think will inspire them or make gold. You have to work your way into One of the prerequisites of this them realize you're more than a your professor's drawers. You can't technique is being accomplished in pretty face. Get help from your smart expect to get that ''II.' without a little one area of sexual pleasure. Stephen is friends. I have a little trouble in this hard work can you? Reid needs a date. plca .... e call: 555-6969 for a area, so I just dress extra provoca Take a page out of the book of good a rim jobs. Cleopatra was good in mediocre time. Your date " ·ill consi .... t of the dri' e thru the missionary position and Juliet was tively to accumulate interest. high achievers and wrap your lips good at dance-floor hand jobs. You (Staying on track during this plan around something that can raise of your ~..·hoi~..· \..' (hrin~ )OUr O\\ n money and carl. neea ,orne special noticeable skill. can be pretty hard, especially when your grades. POOP CHUTE: SPORKS 13 ~-~----- Sporks Editor: Captain D.O. Assistant Editor: C.C.R. Contact: [email protected] Molson takes over Dal athletics sponsorship COLLEEN COSGROVE Assistant Sports Editor n a recent meeting with Molson, I Dalhousie Athletics agreed to sign a new five-year multimillion-dollar contract with the mega-corpora tion. The agreement comes into effect in September. It will, for the most part, override Dal's agreement with Adidas. Varsity and club athletes, as well as the store in the Dalplex, will all don Molson apparel. Al Scott, head of the athletics de partment, says the move is in Dal's favour. "We're a dominant school on the East Coast," says Scott. "It only makes sense that we have the best sponsors ... and a beer one at that!" Some returning athletes do not share Scott's excitement. Fourth year volleyball player Maggie Mor rison is concerned about the quality of these new garments. "Is Molson making them [the shoes] or can we not just still wear our regular court shoes and maybe cover the three stripes of the Adidas logo," says Morrison. "If not, it just doesn't make sense to me - as if Molson can produce great sneakers with one year of experience." When asked for comment, Mol son spokesperson Fred Hyatt re fused. But Hyatt's representatives at Molson did comment. "We see Dalhousie moving into a new realm of university popular ity with Molson in their back pocket. Maclean's university poll, here we BOOZE, SEX AND SPORTS SELL. I P~otc D1ck Pier ed come!" Coaches at Dal are pleased with Joey slept in my bed with no sheets and D.O'd all over the shit. Bastard. Sincerely, they're wearing while in the Dal jer progression that I think would've Reid Southwick. t>h~to: m the new agreement, though like Mor sey." come with or without the deal. Be rison, swim team head coach David Dal is the second school in Can sides, the clothing and our step up Fry has some questions of his own. ada to sign the Molson agreement. in that Maclean's poll is all we really "I heard we're no longer distrib Memorial University in Newfound wanted from this." uting juice to the athletes after they land signed with Molson in 2006. Molson and Adidas are negotiat Sports editor turns compete," says Fry. "I am really hop Memorial's student athletics rep ing how to manage this decisive split ing it's not beer. First off, I'm not a 1 resentative Sylvia DeCarr says the in Oat's sponsorship. Scott says he big fan of Molson products, and sec agreement was great, but the school hopes Molson retains a 98 per cent ondly, it's bad for my swimmers." has been compelled to create anAl majority over other sponsors and stripper Scott says beer would not be giv coholics Anonymous (M) chapter in that Adidas will still be present on en to the athletes unless, of course, one of the gym's unused changing some merchandise. they wanted it. rooms. "Like water bottles and whis SETH ALDERWOOD Aribba learned a lot of his moves "Perhaps they'll want it as a post "The deal [with Molson) created tles," says Scott. "Matches can't go Bleu Nuit Viewer from fellow entertainment officer match celebratory thing," says Scott. a huge party atmosphere," says De on without those two things, they're Bob,who's best known for starting "It's up to the athlete for sure- the Carr. "The M chapter was a natural important!" ports writing and radio will soon his performance with, ''I'm officer only thing that won't be is the label Sbe a thing of the past for sexy Bob and you ladies are under ar sports guy Jose Aribba, who is leav rest." ing the sports scene to become an Bob and Aribba worked together Do you have a large baguette? Please call Rafal at 229-9214 adult dancer. at the Porn Star Hotline, a service "It was time for a change," says that provides information on porn Aribba. "I want to show the world conventions. what I can really do. It's time to get "Jose likes to shake baby, shake down and move it all around 'cause baby one, two, three, four," says Bob. I got the looks that drive the girls "He has a lot of natural talent and the wild." women really dig his killer moves." Aribba, known as "Wild Stallion" Bob says Aribba has a good shot T~~WER to some local ladies, had contracts at becoming the next stripping su .. .. lined up with the CBS, ESPN and perstar. Sports Illustrated. But he's decided to "Look out ladies, this guy is com take his newfound talent to Boogie ing," says Bob. "I've never seen any Buns Agency. body just get in there and give 'er. He He performed on a freelance has the dedication and work ethic. I basis for Boogie Buns last year, and won't be surprised if he cleans house says it was "faaaannntastic." The at next year's stripper awards." mainly post-menopausal women in Aribba is a talented dancer, who the audience loved stuffing bills into performs to a variety of songs includ his Daffy Duck g-string." ing "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson, Stripping for an older audience "Dance Hall Days" by Wang Chung is a good way to start out, says Ar and "The Look" by Roxette. riba. "It's all about letting the beat 'Tm new to the business," he control your body," says Aribba. says. "With an older crowd I can try ""Dance Hall Days" is a nice start out new and different moves and not up song and "Billie Jean" just helps be self-conscious. The 20 to 30 age me get into the zone. I like to go all group is a bit intimidating, they're so out to "The Look," it really rocks my Membership includes use of Squash Courts, Cardio Room, critical of every move and they really world." know their strippers." Last month, Aribba performed Weight Room, Group Fitness Classes, Towel Service .... and more Venturing into a new career is a the Halifax Hotel. Candy Carmello bit of risk, but Aribba says he's up for attended Aribba's show and said it '"Membership Runs from May 1-August 31, 2007. Offer exp1res May 31, 2007 was "hot." the challenge. PR 5['1Tit.G PARTNfH 'Tm a grinder," he says. "I just get "Some like it hot, and it was," SAINT MARYS 420-5555 I 920 Tower Road, Halifax in my groove and really go to town. says Carmello. "He had the audience *,._* UNIVERSITY StN<.'fltiOl www.smuhuskies.ca You have to work hard to get to the aroused from the start. He looks famil One llnNWiity, One Wot1d. Vouts. top and I lilce being on top." iar. I wonder if he was in Bleu Nuif?" POOP CHUTE: STAFF 14 ------The one who never ever (ever!) manages to Jay out things perfectly, despite claiming to be a perfectionist: Sue Maroun Cat: Free, adorable, obedient, periods. Needs to own a car. recommended for children. house-trained, slightly dead. In Call526-5858, ask for Steve $25 o.b.o. Carie Smith 415- need of a good home. Excellent 8659 conversation piece, guaranteed Addicted to poker? Do you to break the ice at parties. feel you can't stop gambling? Overweight, tired, lacking KtT KAT PIZZA Call Gareth Morrison at 456- Pick up the phone and call energy, lonely? These are DONAIRS - SUBS - SEAFOOD 1596 Casino Nova Scotia at 425- symptoms of someone who 429-3223 or 425-2229 7777 probably isn't going to get a 2314 Gottingen St., Halifax Wanted: Staff for Aramark date. For verbal abuse, call Buy a 16" pizza cafeterias. Culinary skills, Roommate wanted Tom at 344-5600 w/works for $13.99, English and basic sanita Looking for a quiet, studious get 9" garlic fingers tion not required. Call James student. Must be tolerable of Fourty-two monkeys, six Introducing MIRELLA direct from Toronto for $1.00 452-2335 smoke, glue fumes, gasoline elephants, eight barrels of A hrurstyl1st with flair that wiN create a look that is you. 16" pepperoni pizza for and other fun stuff. Call Jake fish heads, a hot-air balloon, 15% Off for Students $9.25 Looking for that special 656-7894 and a bucket full of Quaker Book an appomtment w1th MIRELlA at: or 2 for$16.99 someone ... instant oatmeal needed for 2 med. pizzas To drive me back to Toronto. Brita Filter an elaborate prank. Anyone w/3 toppings $14.99 Preferably blonde, in early 20s Slightly damaged in vodka who can supply above items, ~PI<) Sprmr G taX EXPRESS Copying For All Your Bookkeeping Needs. Faxing Digital Services Large Format Printing Mailbox Rentals Packing Services Professional Accountant Packing Supplies Dalhousie Graduate £B.Comm'88J Courier Services student Specials E-l=ile wi~h Queen Street Plaza Diree~ Deposi~ 1096 Queen Street 5982 Spring Carden Road Tel: 902.423.2788 (above the Dairy De/iJ Call for an appointment! 404·4446(01 or 802·9074 fCI The UPS Store We meet i~ room 118 of the Law B1 ag. every ~J~day. BYOB, ammo provided ~<.V«LU~ moo £rol1~ Where students party & play pool! we make storage Rock & R John·, E'con Sen ILc'. contact us for details hc,fl·laccd ~ BACK PAGES Books bought and sold Graduating soon? Why not teach English in japan next year. Make new friends, earn a great salary 1526 Queen St., and travel to places you've only dreamed of! Halifax 423-4750 It's simple- complete our online application and BEDFORD'S PREMIUM FACILITY. start the reality today! Located across from the new WALMART. Interviews to be held in Halifax on April 19, 2007 For all the exciting details check out (902) 450-0050 www.teachinjapan.com i nfo@s pacesse lfstorage. com fr~OVAGROUP www.s acesselfstora e.com Grads. Celebrate with a Mac. ./ PCPC Monday- Friday: 10:30- 4:30 Dalhousie University pcpc.dal.ca 6230 Coburg Rd [email protected] Halifax, NS 494-2626