Tuesday 7th March 2006

Published by the USSU Communications Office.

Issue number 1099 Free The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper

Pie Fighter Konsumer Revoltees And the winners were... spent their spare time By Neil Boulton eating pies Editor-in-Chief this week. Eating pork pies in the name of science? Another year, another round of Sabbatical Definately.| Page 7 Elections – The two weeks of fury (commonly known as ‘campaigning’) have finished, the decisions have been made and the votes counted. Chancellor’s was the glamorous location for the results announcement, the room was packed and the air was heavy and sweaty with tension. Then the results were announced and the twin feelings of joy and frustration swirled in Chancellor’s pink-painted interior. Leading us quickly to the part you started to The FM Schedule... read this article for - The winners: GU2 continues its month on the FM waves. See their President: Gregory ‘Greg’ Scott action-packed schedule VP Education & Welfare: inside| Page 17 Gabriella ‘Gabby’ Sholk VP Societies & Culture: Thayana ‘Thay’ De Paula Manakin, Gabby, Thay & Greg, all joyous with victory. VP Sports & Recreation: Nick ‘Manakin’ Short

Then later on the 4 winners were then paraded before the part of the student body that decided to go to Rubix that night. Going Postal Their work doesn’t begin until July, when How far can you puch the hopefully they’ll put their manifestos into postal service? Barefacts action and improve student life for everyone. investigates | Page 6 ...continued on page 11... Their battle field, Our campus

Comment |Have the NUS signed their own death 20% pay claim will hurt students, warrant by supporting the AUT? |Page 4 ...Fake News |More of say university employers the stuff that didn’t really By Marcin Stylski The 20% pay increase is being pursued by examination season. Their aim is to create happen. You’ll think News Editor The Association of University Teachers and needless disruption now, despite the fact that again before the next Natfhe say that with the introduction of the the next review of higher education staff time you steal a trolley!| The lecturers “unreasonably high” pay £3000 tuition fees means that universities are salaries isn’t due until August,” said a Ucea Page 21 claim will leave less money for student now able to restore salaries which have fallen statement, which pointed out that the other bursaries and student facilities, university behind for decades. They said the employers five higher education unions had not even Arts Section |Film, Music, employers said. The lecturer’s union and had failed to come up with a serious offer submitted their pay claim yet. Gig reviews... The art universities are both appealing to students and explained their case to students and Dr Geoffrey Copland, who chairs Ucea, section has it all. |Page and their parents for support, as the situation parents in a full-page advertisement in the said: “The academic unions’ real threat to 14 escalated on the verge of a pay strike. The Guardian this week. students is twofold. If their new pay claim Puzzles| Another unions have been accused by the Universities The unions were refusing to suspend is not agreed to by employers, students’ selection of mind- and Colleges Employers Association for industrial action while talks could talk learning and qualifications will be affected bogglers from barefacts refusing to negotiate and says that strike place said Ucea. “It is now clear that they by the unions’ actions. But meeting such very own PuzzleLord!| action will result to boycott exam marking designed this industrial action timetable from an unreasonably high claim would leave Page 23 and assessment would hurt students the outset so that it would start in March universities with much less to spend on unnecessarily. - the beginning of most universities’ main student bursaries and facilities.”

May the farce be with you 2 NEWS 7 March 2006

Editorial Team Boris Johnson claims UniS Classical All these addresses are @surrey. ac.uk (unless otherwise graduates “not fit for Concert: What a mentioned). Editor-in-Chief workplace” marvellous evening Neil Boulton: ussu.comms@ By Marcin Stylski By Marcin Stylski & Kem K G Anyalezu News Editor Editor Saturday February 18th saw a very beautiful and wonderful perform- Chris Ward: cs21cw@ According to shadow education minister Boris Johnson, some ance by the University of Surrey Symphony Orchestra and Choir. The university graduates cannot even have “cannot even have a sustained event was held at the Guildford Cathedral. One of the exciting things Deputy Editor conversation.” The remark was made by the Henley MP ahead of Stu- about the concert was that two of the conductors are postgraduate Joshua Bates: cs52jb@ dent Volunteering Week 2006, which he launched earlier this week. students here while the other two conductors are staff members of the “Too many gradu- University. What an excellent balance and opportunity for the students Deputy Editor ates are simply not that took part. Similarly, among the choir are students from various Sophia Hawkins: li52sh@ ready for the work- degree disciplines, including music students. place, and it is ter- The music pieces performed on the night began with Handel’s News Editor rifying to discover Coronation Athem: Zadok the priest, conducted by R. McMillian. The Marcin Stylski: li12ms@ that some of them next was Bach’s, Cantata no.170: Vergnugte Ruh, conducted by C. cannot even have a Clausen, countertenor by R. Cross and Organ Obligato by A.Lo. Features Editor sustained conversa- The last piece before the interval was Handel’s Coronation Anthem: Lia Parker: ps41lp@ tion” he said on his The King shall rejoice, conducted by S.Forbes. After a short interval, website. The comments were made in response to the survey by the the Orchestra performed a wonderful piece by Ravel – Suite: Ma Arts Editor Association of Graduate Recruiters earlier this month which Mr John- mere l’oye, conducted by N. Conran; while the last performance was Beth Heale: [email protected] son claimed showed too many graduates lacked basic skills for work. Stravinsky’s Symphony of Palsms, which was conducted by S. Forbes Graham Allcott, director of the charity Student Volunteering England again. Arts Editor says that students who volunteer have “higher levels of teamwork, It was a very joyful and entertaining performance by the Orchestra Nicole Heel [email protected] leadership and time management.” He continued by saying “If the top and Choir. There was no doubt, all those that attended the concert firms really want better graduates, perhaps they should invest more would have thoroughly enjoyed. On that note, I say a big thanks to Fashion Editor in supporting student volunteering programmes. With the chancellor, UniS Symphony Orchestra and Choir, the department of Music and Natalie Dowle: ms42nd@ Gordon Brown, currently offering to match funding for those who do, the Dean and Chapter of the Cathedral. I do hope a similar event will and Conservative leader David Cameron also keen on the idea, we’re be possible soon. I am sure all those classical concert lovers will now Fashion Editor excited that this issue is high on the public agenda.” be looking forward for another one. Jamila Gangadeen: ms41jg@ Webmaster & Students support timetable change for Muslim prayer Puzzlelord By Marcin Stylski this can lead to other problems. You have to choose between lectures Colin Everett: ma41ce@ News Editor and prayers and that is not fair.” Postgraduate The new proposals would mean that lessons would end one hour Editor Students at Newcastle university have supported calls for a change later on a Wednesday afternoon and in return get an extended in the timetable to allow Muslim students to pray. The students are lunchtime on a Friday. The Student’s Union communication officer, Anne Abeygunasekera supporting a proposal to reschedule classes to avoid a clash with Ally Robson said “The motion was passed after more than 200 Proof Reader Jumah prayer time. The university already allows students to attend students turned up to the meeting. We will now be having a meeting prayer sessions during lectures and tutorials but the Islamic society with the university to see what is possible.” A spokeswoman for the Toby Shannon are concerned its members are missing out on crucial lessons. university said: “The university does its best to accommodate the Adverts & the like The society persuaded the students’ union to back its motion at an individual needs of all our 18,000 students, and we operate a policy of Aaron Salins: a.salins@ emergency meeting yesterday. flexibility and tolerance with respect to this.” The motion called for “the right to education without discrimination They continued to say “Currently Muslim students make against religious needs.” They also called for a change in the arrangements with their tutors to make time for prayer, and they university’s timetable to allow students to be off between noon and have a place of worship on campus. We look forward to hearing Contributors 2pm on Fridays. Jumah, Friday congregational prayer is the most from the union society about the motion, and intend to give it our important Muslim prayer session of the week. President of the full consideration under the committees set up to deal with student The list should go here, but we university’s Islamic society, Raed Al-Ahamdi said “Nobody stops us issues.” haven’t had the time to compile from praying but it means we have to miss lectures and tutorials and it.

Damnation. Do you have a complaint against this newspaper? barefacts is an editorially independant newspa- Contributions must be submitted per and is published by The University of Sur- by the Monday before publication If you have a complaint about any item in this newspaper which contains inaccuracy, rey Students’ Union Communications Office. date to guarantee publication and Damnation. harrassment, intrusion, or discrimination write to our editorial team about it. If you The views expressed within the paper are those may be edited at the discretion of the remain dissatisfied please contact the Press Complaints Commission - an independent of the individual authors and do not neces- editorial team. Please send them to organisation established to uphold an editorial Code of Practice for the Press. This sarily represent the views of the Editor, the [email protected]. Damnation. newspaper will abide by their decision. University of Surrey Students’ Union or the University of Surrey. Press Complaints Commission barefacts Damnation. 1 Salisbury Square barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions Union House London EC4Y 8JB University of Surrey Students’ Union Telephone: 020 7353 1248 [email protected] Guildford Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 www.ussu.co.uk Surrey Copyright USSU Communications Office 2006 GU2 7XH 7 March 2006 YOUR LETTERS 3 Letters to barefacts Your chance to get your views across. Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their pres- ence in the next newspaper. They may be edited for length or clarity | [email protected]

had at the time) would be particularly well making instant coffee. reason why only girls where allowed on the barefacts a political received by anyone who would consider stage and his reply was that it was soapbox? voting for me. Similarly, I would certainly Matthew W. A. Gardiner “… managers decision …”. If I was to go not use such style and content if I were back on stage he would kick me out of writing an election leaflet. The section the Union. Dumbstruck by this incident I Dear barefacts, of barefacts that is devoted to “political monitored the stage all night, to see who was Being a regular reader of the “Letters soapbox” articles, as you call it, is the GU2 FM Schedule allowed on or not. Most guys were turned to barefacts” part of your paper, I was comment section, where the article was down and only girls were allowed to dance interested to read a piece in that section by published. Dear barefacts, on stage, and I was just one of the numerous your Editor in which he hit back at a letter To suggest that I am a politician As a final year student, in distinct guys to find this highly unfair. from a reader who complained that barefacts controlling the press is to desperately clutch comparison to my first year, I find that One reason bounded around for this wasn’t taking a politically neutral stance at straws. I am held accountable by the rest barefacts no longer advertises the GU2 regulation, is that guys on stage are too in some articles regarding David Cameron of the editorial team (a few of whom were schedule. I’m sorry, but what is this about?!! boisterous, and for reason of safety they (barefacts, Issue 1097, 7 February supporting my opponents, but that did not I would’ve thought, what with Surrey being are not allowed on the raised stage area. 2006). Chris Ward pulls no punches; he rails mean they were not allowed to continue fortunate enough to have both a student However at some points of the night, there that he “would never condone barefacts contributing to the paper). They would newspaper AND a student radio, that we were as many as 30 girls on stage. In a coming to one solid opinion on everything certainly not allow me to use the paper as a would see some kind of collaboration?! small area this has got to be dangerous, but - that would be undemocratic, and in some “political soapbox”, and rest assured that if I Both societies could do with a wider the Security personnel were not concerned senses a dictatorship”. Strong stuff. ever did, they would be the first to speak out audience and more student participation, of this. Surely there must be a maximum I was therefore surprised by the content of against it. which they could gain from working number of students allowed at any one time. his article subtitled “Barefacts Editor Chris together and this would as a result strengthen In my opinion the underlying reason Ward gives an overview of the arguments the University community spirit. I am for this regulation is so that the Security given for and against [a smoking ban]”, on Anger at Iraq aware that Barefacts’ news is read out on personnel, the DJ and other USSU staff page 4 of the most recent issue of barefacts. GU2 on a regular basis, I would like to see can ‘ogle’ at the girls dancing. This to me The second half of the article is precisely pullout talks a similar supportive gesture in return from is sexual harassment towards the girls and that, but the personal-pronoun-riddled first Barefacts with the schedule being reinstated. gender discrimination against the boys. If half reads more like the sort of the leaflet Not too much to ask I would think, since USSU cannot issue equal rights on basis Dear barefacts, you get thrust into your hand by a smiley the schedule is readily available on their of gender, then what can be said about It annoyed me a great deal to see posters pensioner around General Election time. website. their stance on discrimination against race, around campus advertising a talk on why Statements such as “I was certain there were sexuality or religious beliefs? With rules like we should pull out of Iraq. I wish I had those who disagreed with [a smoking ban]... Thanks in advance, this, what’s to say they not going to open a been able to attend to hear the reasons put I personally felt that they deserved some sort Jayne Thomas and Emma Clarke bar that is for white, straight, middle-class forward. There are certainly questions we of representation”, and “people assumed I Guildford Court. students only. For the Students Union to should be getting together to ask. How was a disgruntled smoker...incorrect, I am an campaign for diversity and equality amongst does a sense of injustice, which so often adamant non-smoker”, have no relevance to its students is hypocritical, when they have inspires surrender to religious simplicity, the supposed subject of the piece. Now, why such measures enforced. come to trigger evil? Why does our notion USSU staff in might the Editor of barefacts include them The stage, if open should be place for of the spread of freedom, capitalism and in his article? What type of political system any student to dance with their mates and democracy look like greed and colonialism contravention of allows its politicians to control its press? A have a good time. Not just for the sexual to others? But how can anyone ask why dictatorship. equal rights? enjoinment for some of USSU staff and we haven’t just got up and left Iraq yet? So for the duration of the current election students. Although this may be a small campaign, I’d urge the Editor, for the sake of Well at least we can question I suppose Dear barefacts, insignificant point, I believe it is the tip of his opponents, to stop using his editorship – more than can be said for the last country Being a final year student I have the iceberg that shows some of the stone-age of the USSU’s only newspaper as a political I lived in. I have no problem with people participated in a large number of USSU attitudes of our Students’ Union. soapbox, and to confine such statements to arguing over whether Britain should have nights out. I recently went to another the section of barefacts that is devoted to invaded (I haven’t made up my mind either infamous Citrus night at the Union. After Name and address supplied that purpose. way). But now we are in, I would love someone to explain, how having removed having joined some of my mates on stage for a boogie, I was told to leave by one of Andy Fell the country’s dictatorship and having caused chaos we should leave Iraq in turmoil and the Security staff. After enquiring why only I was being asked to leave and not my other Got something to barefacts Editor, Chris Ward responds: on a downwards spiral. If the job of Iraq friends, the reason was that it was girls only. Dear Andy, was worth doing then it was worth doing say? “OK” I thought, maybe its just going to be Thank you for your comments regarding well. Leaving now would be morally one of those girlie songs and there’s going my article on the smoking ban. Yes, the unacceptable, unfair on the people of Iraq, be some sort of ‘dance off’ between them. article was more of a narrative style, which and destabilizing for the entire region. I So I left for a bit and a couple of songs Send your letters to was to highlight the fact that both myself do not for a minute except that it is none later decided to get back on stage and join and many other people were unsure of which of our business, since successful and stable barefacts@ussu. my friends. A minute or two past and then was the best way forward for the smoking neighbours are very much in our interest. I was forcibly removed from the stage by ban. I certainly do not think that such a Please, to anyone who went to that talk, co.uk one of the Security personnel. I queried the wavering set of opinions (which I admit I remember: developing democracy isn’t like 4 COMMENT 7 March 2006 Lecturers’ pay strike condemned by students By Marcin Stylski implications for a sustainable pay settlement for all HE staff. News Editor However, I can confirm that it is the employers’ intention to make an offer at an early stage in these negotiations.” A students’ union spoke out condemning the strike and Dr Copland continued: “Dialogue rather than dispute and boycott of exam marking, after universities have appealed disruption is how we are going to resolve matters to the to lecturers to call of the strike action over pay. The tactics benefit of universities and colleges, their staff (including used by the lecturers’ unions, Natfhe and the Association your members) and students. I very much hope you will be of University Teachers (AUT), in pursuit of their 20% pay prepared to join us at the negotiating table to this end - and claim have been criticised strongly by Bristol students’ for this purpose to defer or put on hold the industrial action union. which you plan to start next week.” A statement issued by Bristol students’ union said: “We Mrs Hunt responded last night by saying: “It is such a will campaign against the AUT and Natfhe local Bristol shame that the employers decided to spend the last couple of branches’ industrial actions until they target research and months trying to sabotage our industrial action ballot, when administrative work instead of students.” It added “We will they could have been holding talks and making pay offers. put pressure on both the AUT and Natfhe on a national level and constructive negotiations” on the academic unions’ pay If they know they are going to make an offer in March why to resolve their pay dispute before targeting students at their claim for 2006-09. Meetings have been arranged on March not make it now so that students do not have to suffer? Our most vulnerable time of their academic year.” It still seems 28 and April 25 with all seven trade unions with members in members have endured enough false dawns and broken that the one day strike will go ahead on Tuesday, followed universities and colleges. promises from the employers and our action will be called by a boycott of setting and marking exams and coursework. He said: “These meetings will need to discuss the merits off when we have an proper offer and not before. We will Chairman of the Universities and Colleges Employers’ of the unions’ claims and what HE institutions (individually meet them of course but the time for them to act on pay is Association, Geoffrey Copland wrote to Sally Hunt, the and collectively) might afford - aiming for a clear and shared now not in a month’s time.” general secretary of the AUT, and Paul Mackney, who understanding of the impact on institutions’ finances of heads Natfhe saying that the universities wanted “serious likely future funding including variable tuition fees and the [email protected] The good old days... Whatever happened to the sit-ins of the past and the politically-active student who demonstrated against anything and everything? Sophia Hawkins provides an insight to our feisty predecessors and compares the controversial past to our apathetic present.

Remember the days when students used as contentious and destructive as Vietnam to go marching down the street protesting “Parades, pickets, demonstrations, – yet what made the thousands of students about some issue or other? Probably not go out and fight against Vietnam but the – because over the past few years this has students now, let George Bush get away with seemingly stopped and the student protests marches, rallies, protests. No matter the war in Iraq? Top-up fees are set to have a have come to an end. In this I want to ask detrimental effect on students who now have why? Why do students now not feel the what they are called, perhaps the to pay 3,000 in tuition fees. But did we see need to want to get involved in issues that mass protest? NO! Did we see any change? affect them? Why do they not want to unite single most powerful, peaceful way NO! together and make real change to the issues In my opinion this has got to change. that they care about? to bring about social change is for Social movements should be a key feature For years students have fought over moral of student life, especially when democracy questions such as race discrimination, people to stand together publicly over here is being undermined by apathy and gender inequalities, workers rights and the small percentage of people coming out environmental protection. During the 1960’s on behalf of an important cause.” to vote. These social movements are a way and 70’s these movements became very of ensuring that peoples opinions are heard, powerful especially in the US – whereby it’s a way of letting the government know interlocks and unresponsive government student activity blossomed during the great to add insult to injury our very own NUS that they need to listen and more importantly bureaucracy.’ (http://www.factmonster. depression. ‘Many students spoke out supports this action. When this has happened it’s a way of ensuring that you make change. com/ce6/society/A0847019.html) Tactics against McCarthyism in the 1950s and for before we have seen students unite and go Students are the future and if we want to see included sit-ins, mass demonstrations and freedom of speech on campus in the early on strike themselves. This idea is unheard changes to the things that we care about then student strikes. Student movements were 1960s.’ (http://www.factmonster.com/ce6/ of now. Students have their opinions and we have to get out there and fight for them. very progressive and meant that they were society/A0847019.html) One of the most yet they are less keen on making themselves It’s about time the students of today’s society seeing big change. It seemed that students powerful student protests happened in the heard. The same applies for other recent stood up for themselves and went out there, were riled up over key political issues and 60’s when they all stood out and made issues that have seen students wanting to united, to make a difference. government action. their voices heard over the war in Vietnam. voice their opinion but not actually doing it. So I ask, what has happened to our This saw groups such as SDS – Students Where were the students protesting against Quote taken from: students now? Recently it has emerged that for Democratic Society, ‘advocat[ing] for the anti-war coalition – not just over http://www.now.org/history/protests.html our university lecturers would strike and participatory democracy and economic here but in America too? The war was just justice, criticizing corporate-military would lead an assessment boycott – and 7 March 2006 COMMENT 5 NUS: Get your priorities right With the National Union of Students recently supporting HE staff unions in strike action, Chris Ward suggests that the NUS have deviated from student representation further than ever before.

It’s very easy to take a crack at the NUS. action that could have dire and crippling What is supposed to be a powerful and consequences for your future. In their influential organisation fighting for the rights document they blame the Vice Chancellors of students all over the country has long for causing the strikes, but at the end of the possessed the image of being a bunch of self- day, it’s quite clear who will be facing the righteous mouthy would-be politicians that direct consequences, and it certainly isn’t the have little concern for anything except getting Vice Chancellors. Stuck right in the middle elected to parliament as quickly as possible. are the students, those whose papers will Consequently, it can be rather difficult go unmarked, those whose education will to criticise them without similarly being be severely affected as their lecturers and labelled in return. Usually the comeback is examiners take to the picket lines. The Vice that you are one of the “anti-NUS” lot who Chancellors are sitting rather comfortably could make a living out of ranting against this behind their student shield, and they are only “representative organisation”. I like to think hurt by this attack after the students have taken that I’m rather fair on the NUS - we need the majority of the blow. Yet, your National a national representative body that brings Union of Students is perfectly happy to still together the voice of all the students from support this. around the country, and despite its failings, it In response to this question on the NUS’ does need to be there. rather poorly-authored “Why students should One of the things the NUS did right and, as support the strike” document, they state that much as it pains me to admit it, particularly “The strike and assessment boycott will affect The Stop Fees Now march - have the NUS since lost the ability to represent? well, was the Stop Fees Now campaign. students. But the academic unions are not Were it not for a national organisation to didn’t just bloody Blair’s nose, it left him support the AUT and other unions in their strike undertaking this action lightly”. I’m sure this stand up against the introduction of top up totally and utterly concussed. action over pay is most likely the final nail in sentence will breathe sighs of relief amongst fees, and were it not for this organisation to So, it’s a shame that the NUS didn’t recover the coffin. If anything, it entirely destroyed the student population as they thank the NUS publicise their cause and campaign in such after tripping over at the final hurdle of the top any work they did against top up fees – to for supporting a damaging strike action – a high-profile way, we would certainly have up fees vote. So much more could have been even associate themselves not received the press coverage or the result done retrospective to the loss of that vote. with the allocation of “The Vice Chancellors are in the House of Commons when Blair nearly Instead of the campaign picking itself up after funding taken from a system suffered his first the narrow government they vehemently opposed is sitting rather comfortably defeat. Some may “Those that are win, it continued to lie political suicide. The only argue that “nearly on the ground, slowly link between the NUS and behind their student shield, there” in terms of supposed to ebbing away as the the AUT is that they are both the top-up fees vote NUS wrote it off as fighting the establishment. and they are only hurt by is not good enough, represent you, “done and dusted”, In some senses, the AUT this attack after the students which in some cases your National before moving onto is incredibly unprincipled. is true. However, if the next focus of They officially stated their have taken the majority of the you can’t knock out Union of Students, ensuring the £3k cap is support for the NUS Stop your opponent, then not removed. Is it any Fees Now campaign, but I blow.” at the very least you are supporting wonder that this failure am interested to know how should do everything to maintain pressure many union members were out on the streets everything is OK as long as the decision was you can to give them the strike action on the government has of London when students demonstrated not made “lightly”. The fact that the future a bloody nose. If knocked the credibility against the government. To state your of many students, who have slaved away for only three more that could have of the NUS to a new support is not enough, and I would argue years to get that piece of paper that makes Labour MPs had dire and crippling low, possibly damning to the NUS that actions speak louder than them employable, is at stake due to this voted against top it to a downward words. It seems to me that the AUT and the action is certainly not justified by that pitiful up fees, students consequences for spiral where very few NUS are working together only because they statement. starting in September people will ever take it are bigger as a combined force than as two Yes, it is important to sympathise with this year would not your future.” seriously again? Not separate entities, and that is an awful reason the fact that our lecturers are underpaid and be lumped with so only has the reputation to strike up a coalition. overworked, but the NUS need to remember much debt after graduation. It was an issue of the NUS been knocked, but the apparent If you do not graduate this year because of exactly what they are – a National Union of that, because of the campaign run by the “giving in” has given other organisations and the industrial action, any chance of attaining Students. It is not within their remit to get NUS, was brought to the top of the agenda. political parties a green light to accept the new employment you need to pay off the debt you fully involved with a separate campaign, It is also rather evident that this issue stuck top up fees as “the way things are” rather than have accrued through your university years particularly one that, in attempting to achieve with many who went to the ballot boxes in the previously held view of “something that’ll will be dashed. In this situation, where will its goals, hurts the very people that the NUS May last year, losing Labour many votes and favour financial capability over academic you go for representation? Those that are are trying to represent. university town seats to the Conservatives ability and must be stopped”. supposed to represent you, your National and the Liberal Democrats. That campaign The recent decision of the NUS to fully Union of Students, are supporting the strike [email protected] 6 GOING POSTAL 7 March 2006 Good morning Mrs Goggins Many of you may see a post-box and think “that is one sexy post box” and that’s okay with me, I’m not here to judge. Others may think “I wonder what I could foreseeable send with that” and for those people this is for you. In this Investigation I will send many things that push the boundaries of the postal service and see whether they arrive at there destination unharmed or not, I call this “Extreme Posting”. Bon appetit.

Small Letter Are you one of those environmentalist types, like to save Banana paper everywhere you can? Perhaps you thought of using I sent a banana in the post. What I didn’t know before this is smaller envelopes than needed to save precious trees, but that the Honda ad is right, bananas are so very nice to write surely smaller envelopes would get lost in the post. I sent Underwear on, the pen glides liquid smooth, try it now! If this doesn’t one to find out. Imagine the scenario, you mate from Birkenhead has just arrive I’ll go bananas! (That’s a pun). popped round to say hello, but after leaving you realise that Received he has left his dirty soiled underwear at yours. Obviously Not Received The letter arrived to the destination unharmed, so your friend is very upset and wants his smalls back. But The banana did not arrive. This makes me question the environmentalists can relax in the knowledge that in doing what a hassle; he’ll have to come back from Birkenhead to Tango advert, which displayed an apple being put through so will save the papers worth of a twig of a small bonsai tree. collect them. Or will he? What if the underwear could be a letterbox, into a juicer and then the floor collapsing under sent via the post saving a long arduous underwear retrieving the weight of juiced apples, which had been presumably trip? I investigate, as this is a situation many people face. been posted in the same way. I can only presume that those Insulting Letter cheeky monkeys at the Royal mail ate my banana. How about a letter that insults the noble art of the postal service itself? Surely they will see the comments on the Received A swift service of 1 day from the royal mail on this envelope and destroy it? I mean who can take the moral one, obviously, understandably because they wanted Well I hope that this was an informative high road and just ignore when faced with comments like the unpackaged, soiled underwear on their hands for as piece that highlighted the dangers of “postmen are arses”, “that’s a stamp Mr stupid postman” and little time as possible. Still when received it appears that sending a banana in the post (the danger “postmen couldn’t find there arse with a multi million pound somewhere along the line coffee had been spilt on the being that it won’t arrive), showed that postal system”? Nay anyone I’d say. garment, resulting in an unsightly stain on the front, not holidaying murderers should forgo holiday not Received good. But would you rather suffer the inconvenience of tradition and just send a letter and that personally collecting your underwear to avoid potential underwear can be excellent replacement This never reached its destination. The jibes were just too coffee staining? That’s the question and a toughie. for paper and envelopes. much, I can only imagine the emotional damage this letter caused to all those who saw it. Scott E. Burgess Death Threat For the murderer on a holiday, a death threat on a postcard. Letter to a morally suspect This threat was written in blood, well the first letter was, person but then I felt sick and had to use tomato ketchup. Never Surely the postal service should remove letters if it is in the being an attention seeking self harmer I missed important good of the public, a letter with “Head of Aryan Nations and life lessons like how to cut yourself to get the most blood, Neo Nazi Movement” and “Re. Bombing” on the envelope shame. The royal mail should immediately destroy this, but surely can’t be good for the public, and should be removed hopefully not contact the police because I don’t want to get at once from the mailing system. If this gets delivered I will into trouble. be forced to presume that the postal service is entirely made up of Neo Nazis and racists. Not Received This never arrived, which is rather unfair for the recipient as Received they will be left unaware that they are likely to be killed in The Postal Service is (possibly) full of Neo Nazis and the near future racists. Banana Thief 7 March 2006 FEATURES 7 ROOM 101 Agony Niece Work has somewhat gotten on top of David Hynds this Q. A friend of mine has been acting funny for a while. He fortnight, so won’t be able to provide you with his usual keeps going on about some kind of ordeal he has been Q. Since I left school, I have let my hair grow. I hated having Room 101 article. through, but won’t say what it is, and when you ask him how to keep it short for school, and as soon as I went to college, I he is, he says he is fine. He’s also really slating homophobes at said goodbye to the barber. My family are throwing a surprise However, he has made this delightful comic, which just the moment, which is fair enough, but seems a little over the party for my great aunt’s 60th birthday and my mum has said about describes the load he’s coping with at the moment! top. Do you think he might be gay? that she wants me to cut my hair. She wants me to look smart I’m sure everyone feels this way one point during their for the occasion, and doesn’t want me to show her up. It has university life. (Argh - Clip art!? Editor-in-chief) A. Does it matter if he is gay? Does it change the person he taken me several years to get my hair as long as it is now, how is? If he is in the process of coming out of the closet, the can I tell my mum that I don’t want to cut it all off? Remember, email those Room 101 suggestions to ordeal could be because he is scared of telling people. You [email protected], and he’ll be back next time with questioning his sexuality is not something he needs right now. A. How about a compromise? Explain to your mum that your regular Room 101. Either way, if your friend has been through something, he you like having long hair, but as it is a special occasion, you could probably do with some support, whether he tells you the will make an effort to look your best. You could tie you hair details or not. back in a pony tail for example. That way it wouldn’t look so unruly.

Q. In a fortnight’s time I have got to be in several Q. My boyfriend totally ignored me places at once. I’ve got on Valentines Day. I am so annoyed. coursework deadlines I spent ages doing my hair, applying approaching, a friend’s 21st my make up. I even bought some new birthday party to arrange, lingerie. I went over to his place and I have work commitments, we just sat watching tv whilst he did as well as sports ones. I’m some coursework. That was until his exhausted as it is and I don’t friend came round. Then the two of know which option to go them spent the evening playing video for. games. When he asked if I wanted to go out for a drink with him and his A. I think it is clear, even to friends, I stormed off. Why was he so yourself, that you can’t do rude to me? everything. At the rate you are going, you’ll have the A. Had you made actual plans for time to do all the things you Valentine’s Day? From the sounds of want to, because you’ll have to retake your year in order to it, you wanted to surprise him, but apart from that, had you pass it. You need to work out which things are most important; arranged anything? Not everyone sees Valentine’s Day with I would have thought coursework completion is the priority. the same importance, especially if you have work to do. Why Then again, you need a break every once in a while, and how not suggest a romantic evening or weekend together and plan would your friend feel if you missed their 21st? Make a list in it in advance, so you will know what to expect. order of importance, and set about doing those higher up. If Have you got a problem for the Agony Niece? Send you are efficient with your time, you may be able to do more them to [email protected] than one of them.

PERSONALS - In-jokes, get your in-jokes I’ll keep the red squirrel safe! I’d put it in a here! Get ‘em while they’re irrelevant! cage! Email personals to [email protected] I don’t get it. Nick, its important you know this.... Its yours. Put that underneath it.

If it bleeds nick, dont.... You’re just gonna quote whatever we say?

Metro-Sexual = Nick And Er’ Son Hahahahahahaha.

A hard man is good to find! The last laugh laughed by the person to get the joke last. I think!! Alan, your kisses make my knees weak! “Captain Chris, you are the human Ma Meeshka Ma Skwoz. No, I can’t spell it. equivalent of a tap that when tightened, refuses to stop dripping... ANNOYING” Shit happens. It smells too.

I’m back!!! Any personals? [email protected] 8 KONSUMER REVOLT 7 March 2006 barefacts very own attempt at a consumer testing section. We were aiming for interesting and informative... by Neil Boulton The Konsumer Revolt were all very busy this edition, alas, which means our art may have suffered because of it. This edition in the name of consumer safety, justice & other desired ideals we turned our ever watchful eye towards a staple snack food – The noble pork pie. The pies were gathered, taste buds prepared and the inspecting six ready to cast the standard ‘Yay’s and ‘Nay’s that their job requires of them. During this process Tree learnt the true meaning of ‘Melton Mowbray’, we discovered dark secrets about Susan’s eating habits and everyone over used the word Jelly. Porky Pig was used to indicate a ‘Yay’ on the table below... the insidious Daffy Duck was used to indicate a ‘Nay’...

Comments: Quotes gathered lovingly from the testing TESCO’S MELTON MOWBRAY SAINSBURY’S POSH process by Susan, the Konsumer scribe. Hopefully they’ll Thong: The meat’s not as nice in this one. Thong: It looks over cooked. provide an insight into out paths of decision Bertie: That’s really good pastry. Susan: It tastes burnt. Thong: Yeah but the meat’s no good. Bertie: It’s got a lot of seasoning. Thong: Thong is evens. Bertie: Yeah, but there’s not much of it! Special: If it they hadn’t burnt the pastry that would be a top Tree: “Thong is evens?” Oh Tree: A compact pie. pie. Tree: Quote, Aaaarrggghhh! Tree: Melton Mowbray doesn’t mean it has cheese in it! I have been lied to. TESCO’S FINEST TESCO’S VALUE Bertie: That’s a dual colour centre. Special: Tescos value doesn’t stay together very well when SAINSBURY’S NORMAL Special: It was reduced, I think it’s going off. you’re trying to cut it up. Tree: The meat has more flavour. Susan: Not so great. It’s good pastry tho. Not so fond of the Special: Tescos value have no jelly Bertie: There’s not enough jelly. ---- The jelly’s there to hold meat. Susan + Thong: NO JELLY! the meat in. Bertie: It’s definitely a good all rounder. Thong: there is a little bit of jelly round the edge. Susan: The pastry is not as good. Thong: I’m with bertie. It’s a definitely a good all rounder. Tree: Greasy, no gristle, but rather flavourless. Thong: That was horrible. Thong: Tastes better than you’d expect from value. Tree: The meat looks less appealing. RESULTS: Special: Tastes rather horrid Bertie: Yeah, but you can’t see the meat. What have we learned? No much really. The only real trend Bertie: No, I think it’s alright. in the results is that Tesco’s pork pies found more favour Special: It’s greasy. Thong: Susan, You like everything, We could feed you a turd with the Revolt than the Sainsbury’s pies. The results Bertie: I don’t know, I’d rather It was greasy rather than dry. and you’d like it. also strike another victory for value products, constantly Tree: please quote that... earning similar scores to their more up-market super market Susan: I don’t think turd’s in the dictionary. brethren. Thong: ...Susan. Bertie 3/3 Thong Susan Special Tree Total

Tesco Value 4

Tesco Melton 4 Mowbray

Sainsbury’s Normal 1

Sainsbury’s Posh 3

Tesco’s Finest 3 7 March 2006 FOOD 9 Jayne Thomas & Emma Clarke have once again provided us with some recipies that we could try in our very own kitchens...

Vegetable Curry Orange and Hazelnut Biscuits Prep time: 10 mins (Makes about 12) Cooking time: 25 mins Prep time: 5 mins Cooking time: 15 mins Ingredients: 1 tbspn vegetable oil Ingredients: 1 onion 175g plain flour 1 garlic clove 175g caster sugar 2 tbspn curry paste 75g soft butter 3lb mixed vegetables (peppers, mushrooms, 1 large egg squash, green beans, courgettes) 1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda 200g can chopped tomatoes 50g chopped hazelnuts 400g can coconut milk Rind of an orange 2 tbspn coriander leaves Methods: Method: Pre-heat the oven to 180°C. Cream the butter Heat oil in pan and add onion and garlic and and sugar together before beating the egg and fry for 2mins. Stir in curry paste and fry for 1 more adding it slowly. Gradually add the flour. Mix in the minute. Add vegetables and fry for few minutes, other ingredients thoroughly. Grease a baking tray stirring occasionally, then add tomatoes and and place heaped tablespoons full of the mixture coconut milk. on to it. Don’t forget to leave them room to spread Stir well and bring to the boil. Lower heat and (you can fit about 4-8 per sheet depending on your simmer for 15minutes until vegetables are portion size). Bake for approx. 15 mins or until they cooked. Stir in the coriander and dish up with are beginning to brown at the edges, but still soft rice and naan bread. and doughy in the middle. Leave to cool on the baking sheet for a while before removing.

Suggestions: any flavours will do! Chocolate chips, walnuts, lemon peel, raisins or almond Pea and Ham Soup (Good winter warmer for friends. serves about 6) Prep time: 10 mins **requires overnight soaking of the split Red Wine Risotto peas** (1 medium parsnip serves 2 people) Cooking time: 2 1/2 hours Prep time: 10 mins Cooking time: 25 mins Ingredients: 1.75 litres water Ingredients: 300g split peas 450ml (3/4pt) red wine Ham, preferably on the bone 600ml (1pt) chicken stock 2 onions, chopped 125g butter 4 celery sticks, chopped 1 tbspn vegetable oil 1 small turnip, chopped 2 garlic cloves 2 carrots, chopped 2 onions 1/2 tsp mixed herbs 300g risotto rice 1/2 tsp ground ginger 250g mushrooms 1 tbsp white wine vinegar (or balsamic) Salt and pepper Bay leaf, thyme, rosemary or parsley are all nice additions 175g parmesan cheese

Method: Method: Wash the dried peas thoroughly before placing in a bowl with half the water. Leave to Heat red wine in saucepan to simmer and add the soak overnight. stock. Place the peas, the liquid they were in and the vegetables with the rest of the water into a Melt half the butter with oil in another saucepan. large saucepan. add the ham, herbs and ginger. Add the garlic and onions and fry for 5 mins. Add Bring to the boil then simmer for approx 2 1/2 hours until the peas are very tender. the rice and stir so it is covered with butter and oil. Keep removing the scum from the surface with a spoon and discard it. Add the stock mixture, bit by bit so it is absorbed Remove the ham (if it’s on the bone), chop into pieces and add back to the soup. Add into the rice. Continue adding until the rice is the vinegar. creamy but firm, about 20mins. When the stock Bring back to the boil for approx 5 mins then serve hot. It is nice with crusty bread! is half absorbed, add mushrooms and salt and pepper. When all the stock is added, add most Suggestions: Soup can be blended or strained if your prefer it smooth. of parmesan and the rest of the butter. Mix well, Any veg will do; canned tomatoes go well cover and add grated Parmesan over the top and serve! 10 RENT 7 March 2006 HELP STOP RENT INCREASES ON CAMPUS & IN GUILDFORD Folarin Oyeleye Students’ Union President

Over the last three years the university has increase campus accommodation by 24% whilst inflation nationally has been 9% over the same three year period. The university are looking to increase campus accommodation prices by 11% over the next two years. The increase in maintenance and running cost are the university’s reasons for the proposed increase. he increase in campus accommodation prices has an impact on Guildford rent prices as landlords constantly match university prices. University of Surrey has an excellent future and will be the leading Higher Education institution of the South East in 5 years but the continuous increase in rents is threatening the future of our institution and its attractiveness compared to other great institutions regionally and also nationally.

As your Union President I had three options:

1. Do Nothing; 2. Negotiate with the university for a lower percentage increase; 3. Let the students tell the university if they agree or disagree on the increase.

Option 2 was always my first and preferred option. After a few weeks the Executive Officers of the Students’ Union collectively decided on taking Option 3 forward. They have my full backing and likewise I do have theirs on my negotiations which have continued. These options are not rebellious responses; they are options that allow the voice of students to be heard! Pick up a postcard today and make your voice heard!

If you hadn’t gathered from the poster here to the left. You can pick up a postcard from the Students’ Union reception! Do it TODAY! 7 March 2006 STUDENTS’ UNION 11 THE RESULTS TO THE STUDENTS’

...continued from page 1 UNION SABBATICAL Here are the full results of the BIG Vote ‘06 Sabbatical elections. For three of the positions the winner was clear after the first round - But for the position of President we had to fully ELECTIONS! use the Transferable Vote system (Which enables people’s 2nd preferences to be taken into account with the ballot). Hopefully the tables are pretty self explanatory - Also remember The new team represents 4 different countries, a first in Students’ Union Sabbatical team what these guys have promised, it’s your duty to hold them to their words. history. As well as congratulating the winners you should also all you voters out there should congratulate yourselves - The voter turn out was bigger than last year! Over 1650 votes were Here are some words from the election winners: cast and counted (Giving USSU’s highest ever votes-to-candidate ratio) President President (1466 Valid Ballots, 733 Required to win) Gregory Scott (Greg): PG Research, Surrey Space Centre Name of Candidate Stage 1 Stage 2 Stage 3 I want to thank everyone who helped me through the election process... whether Transfer Total Transfer Total you spent weeks sacrificing sleep and studies to promote my campaign or 30 Mark Rodgers 300 304 Eliminated seconds at a ballot box putting a ‘1’ in a little box... I certainly couldn’t have Gregory Scott 660 670 768 Elected made it here without you! You have selected a great sabbatical team for the 2006- 2007 academic year and I am excited to start working with them in the coming Christopher Ward 472 474 546 months. We represent you in all aspects of student life to the University, the R.O.N. 34 Eliminated National Union of Students, and the local community... but will only be effective Spoilt this Stage 6 with your help and feedback throughout the year. Help us make 2006-2007 the Non-transferable 18 1448 134 1314 best year Surrey has ever seen!

VP Education & Welfare (1286 Valid Ballots, 643 Required to win) Vice President Education & Welfare Name of Candidate Stage 1 Gabriella Sholk (Gabby): Second Year, Psychology Kathryn Foley 483 “Words cannot express how privileged I feel to be given the responsibility of the role of VP Education and Welfare. After an incredibly exciting and exhausting few days of campaigning, Gabriella Sholk 757 Elected the results are out and no one needs to stand outside in the cold any more handing out flyers! R.O.N. 46 Thank you to everyone who had the patients and listened to me and the other candidates Spoilt this Stage 5 explain what we were all about. A HUGE thank you to my friends who went above and beyond what I thought anyone would be willing to do for someone else. I’m very much VP Societies & Culture (1334 Valid Ballots, 667 Required to win) looking forward to start working with the sabbatical team and making sure next year is one of Name of Candidate Stage 1 the best!” Mark Griffiths 582 Vice President Societies & Culture Thayana De Paula 713 Elected Thayana De Paula (Thay): Second Year, Media Culture and Communications R.O.N. 39 “I would like to say that I am extremely happy that I won the election. Thank you very much Spoilt this Stage 7 University of Surrey for believing on me. I would like to thank God, all my team (Thales De Paula, Peter Azen, Japheth Newman, Kavita Sedapra, Anne, Alex Dens) and Lisa Widdows. I VP Sports & Recreation (1277 Valid Ballots, 638.5 Required to win) can not wait to start!!” Name of Candidate Stage 1 Vice President Sports & Recreation James Ancell 174 Nick Short (Manakin): Final Year, Management Nick Short 734 Elected “A big thank you to Kellie and the rest of my campaign team. Daniel Sidders 335 Everyone else, thank you for having faith in me to do not only what needs to be done, but to R.O.N. 34 trust me with your hopes and dreams. Spoilt this Stage 9 Sport at Surrey is more than a job or a hobby, it is a way of life.” 12 IT’S THE ENTS PLANNER! 7 March 2006 The Not-so-new-but-just-as-useful USSU e-News Letter! Yep, some of you may already have read this stirling piece of information delivery, others haven’t. Basically much like Grapevine supplies you with all you Union Entertainment news, The USSU newsletter provides you with all your general students’ union news & info: Sign up today (identically to grapevine) at ussu.co.uk/ grapevine March 7th - March 13th Tuesday Chancellor’s Challenge: USSU attempt to run a quiz! in Chancellor’s no less! 7th 8pm - £1 per person in a team All entry money goes towards the Quiz Cash Prize! Wednsday 8th

Thursday Open Mic Night in Chancell or’s 9th

Saints & Sinners Friday £2 Advance, £3 before 10:30pm £4 afterwards 10th Cyclone (Dance) in the HRB

OUTDOOR FILM NIGHT No-Wave in the HRB Saturday ussu.co.uk/grapevine (Rock, Punk, Indie, Metal) The 150: Tickets £1.50 International Disco in Rubix from the Union Shop 11th From 9pm 9pm - 2am

LIVE MUSIC: Hipslinky Sunday & Support 12th £2 - 7:30pm Rubix

Monday Chancellor’s Cocktail Night 13th 7 March 2006 OH YEAH! THE ENTS PLANNER 13 Fetish Night II - Son Of Fetish Everyone’s favourite opportunity to dress up in innappropriate clothing returns to Rubix. Just in time to see us into the Easter Holidays... Get you tickets now to avoid disappointment. Tickets are on sale now (As ever, from the Union Shop) March 14th - March 20th

featuring: Tuesday Quincy 14th Andrew Lawrence Wednesday Style Challenged The Suprise Style Make-over 15th Challenge thing!

Open Mic Night Thursday in Chancell or’s 16th

It’s Friday! (With Resident Dan Bailey) Friday £2 Advance, £3 before 10:30pm £4 afterwards 17th Presha (Drum ‘n’ Bass) in the HRB

Presha in the HRB Saturday (Drum ‘n’ Bass) The 150: Tickets £1.50 18th from the Union Shop 9pm - 2am

Sunday Stella Screen 19th Free Film in the HRB 8pm

Chancellor’s Cocktail Night Monday 20th 14 MUSIC 7 March 2006 The Arts Section, as usual, starts off with music. The Next CD Hand-out for Music Reviews will be Tuesday 7th March at 12.30 (The day this paper comes out actually...), then fortnightly after that. Neat, huh? ([email protected] if you can’t wait)

Jack Johnson and Friends Graham Coxon Sing-A-Longs and Lullabies for the Love Travels At Illegal Speeds film “Curious George” Parlophone Universal Records For those of you not aware of who He’s sold over 700,000 copies of his Graham Coxon is, he was and remains album ‘In Between Dreams’, and recently the main guitarist from 90s Britpop won a BRIT award for Best International band, Blur. In fact, the prospective date Breakthrough Artist. For this album he for the new Blur album has been put has recruited some of his friends and back to late this year to accommodate contemporaries including Ben Harper, G. Coxon’s harsh touring schedule after the Love, Matt Costa with his touring band release of this, his sixth solo effort. to produce this record. Bizarrely over the years Coxon has been Musically it is similar to what we’ve heard so far: soothing acoustic melodies, producing solo records, it has not (perhaps surprisingly) been a given that with a reggae feel and the occasional hint of funk. A bit like a tropical Badly Blur fans love his music – perhaps this is due to the fact that his style is more Drawn Boy; the vocals are velvety but not sedative. The songs are all featured guitar heavy and less polished than Albarn and Co. That said, this album is in and take inspiration from the yet-to-be-released Will Ferrell film ‘Curious more commercially accessible than those Coxon has produced before. George’ which is a animated version of the children’s book, and includes a The tunes are more catchy and the lyrics easier to relate too. The album is cover version of the White Stripes’ ‘We are Gonna be Friends’. The album as written, in Grahams own words “about the thin line between love and hate” a whole does reflect on the fact that this is a children’s film, although don’t and this theme is retained throughout. let this put you off – it can be enjoyed by all ages. There is one single from the album already penned for release: ‘Standing In my opinion Jack Johnson should be more than just a coffee table crooner on my own again’, and with its catchy riffs and hummable melody it has the for your parents. His songs have relevance and the ability to transport you potential to be a success. mentally to the Hawaiian island Johnson grew up on. This is definitely an Other high points include ‘I Can’t Look at Your Skin’, ‘You and I’ and ‘I Don’t album to cheer you up on a rainy day, and relax you when stressed. If you Wanna Go Out’ which mix pop and alternative guitar rock seamlessly; Coxon like what you’ve already heard of Mr Johnson or like the old acoustic album has really come good with this album. It’ll appeal to people who already every now and again, this folks, is for you. love his work, and is also likely to win over another slice of the Blur fan base.

3/5 3.5/5 Sam Carney Steve Hume Bell X1 Film School Flock Film School Universal Island Beggars Banquet

This is the second album from Bell X1, I’m frustrated. I don’t easily get an Irish band with a similar pop-indie frustrated, but some things bother me sound to that of Snow Patrol and a little. So there’s this band called Film possibly the Arcade Fire. School. They’ve just released their This record beholds a mixture of upbeat debut album ‘Film School’, and I’m songs led by catchy guitar riffs and listening to it right now. I’m on track 6, driving drum beats to very mellow, ‘He’s A Deep Deep Lake’, and it’s pretty chilled and sonorous tracks. The album good: somewhat psychedelic and with starts off really well, with a series of a bit of a groove to it. In fact, I’d say more energetic songs such as the opening ‘Reacharound’ and what will be that I’m enjoying it… but it just doesn’t feel right. And do you know why? the first release off the album, ‘Flame’, a song that after hearing for the first Because I’ve heard it all before – but better. time is guaranteed to leave you humming it for the rest of the day. Despite having a pretty dull CD inlay, they sound promising. If you like the Unfortunately, past the halfway point it’s the slower songs’ turn. Possibly Editors, The Cure, Pink Floyd, and that 80s sound that seems to be back in “unfortunately” is not the right word, yet after hearing the first half of ‘Flock’, fashion, then you’ll probably like Film School. On the other hand, if you’ve the second comes as somewhat of a disappointment. At first these tracks bought more than five of this type of album over the past few months, appear a melodic and dulcet alternative to the dynamic first half, but instead you’re likely to be as frustrated as me, and wish they’d been around last year of being a short breather for the listener, they make up the rest of the album. before the really good bands released stuff. Even though the tempo does slightly pick up towards the end, it sounds like Single ‘On & On’ is a fine track: Great drums, oodles of energy, and a real it is dragging and the overall feel of the music doesn’t match up to the quality smokey-pub kind of feel to it. ‘Harmed’ is a little bit more shouty and has of the beginning of the record. a nice guitar riff, but – as with all the tracks on the album – it’s a little too For diehard fans of Bell X1 I am sure this album will not let you down, but straightforward and unambitious. new listeners to the band may get bored of this quite quickly. ‘Film School’ isn’t a stunning album: it’s a great CD to just put on and listen to casually, but just far too boring to be taken seriously. Maybe if we got Gene 3/5 Simmons… Jake South 2/5 Patrick Hunter 7 March 2006 MUSIC 15

The FOPP Awards for New Music 2005/06 The Borderline Download of the Fortnight 9th February 2006 Look What I Did - Minueman For The Moment http://www.purevolume.com/lookwhatidid All of the bands playing the Fopp new music awards this year were Scottish. I think I could be forgiven thus for turning up at the borderline expecting to This song starts off with a fairly bendy nearly-metalcore, start shrieking see four bands resembling El Presidente or Franz. In my opinion, this would & growling away then injects itself in the arm with a dose of very not have been such a bad thing, but it appears, for better or for worse that pop-sensible melody. It’s sort of like if something close to Sikth or the the Scottish new music scene if nothing else has plenty of variety. Dillinger Escape Plan were being rewritten for Kids TV… and it’s good. The first, Monkeytribe, did not make a good impression on me, partly They also manage to make a chorus out of the phrase ‘Checkmate!... because the majority of their ‘music’ (if you can call it that) bellowed out of Hey!’, which is fairly ingenious. Definately worth checking out if you like two laptops accompanying the Miss Dynamite-esque, lead singer on stage. bands like Sikth and aren’t afraid of pop music. I suppose what Monkeytribe did they did pretty well, but trance beats and Neil Boulton rapping have never been my thing. I was relieved when in preparation for the next band, The Abdominal Showmen, two guitars were carried on stage. My hopes were dashed though when it became apparent that all they were was a one man GLC. Nuff said. Well, things could get no worse surely, and the penultimate band, Bouchereau, although pretty unexciting Keane soundalikes were certainly more enjoyable than what had preceded them, but in comparison to what was to come they paled into insignificance. At last, three men each with guitars took the stage, they were Thee Comrades (crap name I know, but don’t judge them on that) and despite a few technical problems they rescued my night. They list XTC amongst their influences, and the resemblance is clear, but to compare them to more recent and dare I say it more popular bands, they had the energy and stage presence of The Futureheads with the instantly lovable tunes of Maximo Park. These dudes were great, certainly worth the wait and they deserve to be huge in a few years time.. (try looking at www.theecomrades.co.uk)

Stephen Hume

Cuba Libra be as follows: Byron plays guitars, Ric on bass, Tom on drums and Bex on The Keystones vocals. However, this versatile group not only uses their instruments in Sat 25th February 2006 original ways, their skill as musicians came across in their ability to swap between instruments, and by instruments I am including vocals. It is becoming increasingly hard to At times you could easily be convinced Byron was drumming, as he categorise bands into a particular sometimes played the guitar by striking the strings and tapping the guitar’s genre these days. In discussing body. Forced to use only three band members at a time due to venue bands or artists, you’ll often hear limitations, Ric instead provided lead vocals, backing vocals, drumming, and something along the lines of to the surprise of many people in the audience including myself, a bit of beat “they’re sort of indie-alternative- boxing! rock” or “they’re like rock and Tom is the band’s drummer and so in the absence of a drum kit (in this pop”. Never do you normally acoustic set) he primarily played the bongo and djembe drums, giving their hear “the band play acoustic rock music it’s passionate pulse, supported by the rhythmic guitaring and vocals. but with a Latin and Flamenco Nonetheless, Tom also provided backing and lead vocals on a number of style”. Well that is how Cuba Libra songs, once again demonstrating the versatility of this band. Bex, the lead describe their music and if you vocalist of Cuba Libra is only a recent addition to the lineup but she sings as can’t imagine how that sounds, I’ll though she has been a band member since day one. tell you – it sounds good! My favourite song of the evening had to be ‘Rhythm of your Love’ for it’s Playing to a packed out venue, I wondered if the crowd had been drawn rousing changes in dynamics and tempo. At one point in the song, the in by the music, or perhaps drawn in by the heat in a bid to escape the tempo begins to increase, getting faster and faster, building to a climax, only cold winter’s night. However, by ‘heat’, I could be referring to more than to suddenly drop, before picking up again once more, leaving you excited just the literal warmth of the venue. Instead, I could easily be referring to the to know where the song will take you next. Similarly, their set left you atmospheric temperature of the music. Although the music crosses genres, wondering what styles the next song would incorporate, and eager to find the Flamenco and Latin style can be heard throughout their songs, allowing out. you to close your eyes and transport yourself away to a hot and exotic If this review leaves you eager to find out too, and you’d like to experience Spanish location. I should at this point say I didn’t actually close my eyes and Cuba Libra, they will be playing at the West End Centre in Aldershot on 8th do this for fear of looking more than a little odd, but my imagination is a very March, and their recently completed album “Aviendha” will also be available good one. to buy from this date. Cuba Libra is a four-piece band, consisting of three guys and a girl – Byron, For more information visit http://www.cubalibraband.com. Rychalo (a.k.a. Ric), Tom and Bex. A simple description of the band would Daisy Clay 16 ARTS 7 March 2006 A rather random dance troupe is brought to you in the arts page this week, would you dance ‘till you shop? Dance Till You Shop, House of Fraser 11th February 2006.

IIt’s early February, purses are empty, brimming with winter blues shoppers fumbling through the dregs of the January sales. This was distorted in an instant as a collection of Surrey University Dance students, staff and friends alike gathered in Guildford’s House of Fraser store to break the spell of February flatness. Susanne Thomas, reputed for her withstanding contribution to site-specific dance across Britain and Europe, aimed to whisk shoppers off their feet with three eruptions of dance during a typically turbulent Saturday in a department store. Disguised as shop assistants the dancers potter methodically until Shostakovich surges through the store and a waltzing display overtakes the shoppers’ forum. The layers of escalators and balconies add to the majestic tone, omnipotent to the sweeping motions of the waltz. Thomas succeeds in stopping people in their tracks as aisles are transformed into dance floors, staff rooms into rehearsal rooms and staff members into “Come Dancing” couplets! flaunted a tableau of a security officer, oblivious to the CCTV footage forecast It was pleasing to see staff members and shoppers hypnotised into taking on the widescreen television sat beside him. This was a creatively quirky to the floor themselves; students and staff had been rehearsing behind the touch that was most certainly good for business! scenes for weeks prior to the performance on the 11th February. With a larger mass of waltzers, ‘Dance Till You Shop’ has the potential to create Laura Griffiths immense impact. Nevertheless, the subtle motion through the store caused If you would like to see more from the Surrey University Dance department, creative collision rather than mayhem. The shop window on the high street check out their site at: http://www.surrey.ac.uk/Dance

Nicole Heel reviewed this interesting ballet adaptation of the Tim Burton classic, Edward Scissorhands, back in issue 1096 - As it’s coming back in the area we thought we’d let you all know about it.

The Ambassadors, Woking 28th March - 1st April www.theambassadors.co.uk/woking 7 March 2006 FILM/GU2 17 DATE MOVIE parents who want her to marry an Directed & Written by: Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg African-American, Greek, Japanese, Starring: Alyson Hannigan, Adam Campbell, Eddie Griffin Indian, Jewish man and you’ve basically Genre: Absolutely Sh*t Spoof Movie got the highlight of this comedy stinker. The film lampoons – as expected – a With the advent of Scary Movie 4 almost upon us, Date Movie treats us to whole cast of romantic comedies and yet another spoof movie, this time advertised as coming from “two of the even brings in those which seem to six writers of Scary Movie”. Sadly for the viewing audience, this selling point have no relevance at all such as Star which has featured heavily in the film’s promotion turns out to point to the Wars Episode III, Lord of the Rings and fact that it must have come from the third of the team who simply have no Kill Bill. Having been tempted to walk talent for writing funny parody. There is simply not a single funny moment in out of the film early from the outset, it Date Movie, and the so-called jokes are so completely uninventive that the wasn’t until approximately five minutes 12A certificate might suggest that any member of the audience could think until the end we did just that. It is not of anything more worthy of laughter – whilst trying not to doze off amidst the surprising that somebody would think deadly silent atmosphere the film is greeted with. A post-Buffy the Vampire this is a good idea, but the baffling part Slayer Alyson Hannigan stars as the lead character, Julia Jones and the film is that enough people would actually opens with her character dancing around – in a fat suit no less – to Kelis’ allow this actually get a release. A “Milkshake” in the background. Other side-splitters include Hannigan’s love poor-excuse for a parody film that interest, the hilariously named Grant Fonckyerdoder (Adam Campbell) of seriously could have benefited from the whom Julia falls for following a “Pimp Your Ride”-style makeover/liposuction other four missing Scary Movie writers Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg left treatment – and ends up winning a parody of “The Bachelor” following her behind. competitors being mowed down with a shotgun no less. Throw in a Michael Jackson lookalike who tries to pick up a little boy, a pooping cat, and Julia’s -5/5 Joshua Bates GU2 - 87.7FM - www.gu2.co.uk It’s the GU2 FM schedule! Someone complained about us not having it in the leters section. They shouldn’t however feel smug about it, the schedule was going to be in the paper before their letter reached us.

Anyway, read the schedule, listen in and enjoy some of the University’s Student Radio Station.

The Schedule is pretty useless on it’s own. You should look at www. gu2.co.uk and you can find out more about what goes on in all these shows. Go on - go there now! You might be missing something good! 18 PG TIPS 7 March 2006 The postgrad section (PG TIPS) is now in the very capable hands of new PG Editor, Anne Abeygunasekera. Any articles should be PG TIPS sent directly to her at [email protected] Why do People do Postgraduate Degrees? People take postgraduate degrees for many relevant to those motivated by vocational different reasons. The variety of different factors. A postgraduate qualification may modes of study and qualifications available be seen as a way of gaining an advantage makes identifying common motivational over colleagues and other graduates in the factors somewhat difficult. However a increasingly competitive working world. number of broad issues do seem relevant to • Drifting peoples decisions to undertake postgraduate For a number of students, a postgraduate study of one form or another. Many of these degree seems a ‘natural’ progression from issues are similar to those that provide the an undergraduate degree. This progression basis for the decision to do an undergraduate may not be a result of a specific decision to degree or any other higher education course. move in a certain direction, but more general A study by Rudd in 1977 suggested that inertia with regards to academic intentions postgraduate researchers tended to fall into and career motivations. three main categories. These categories also seem relevant to taught postgraduate In addition to these three main motivating students as well. They are: factors, in recent years other issues may have become important in the decision to • Academic undertake postgraduate study. An important Those who have a strong interest in a one here may be a desire to avoid the particular field of inquiry, often undertaking difficulties associated with the inflexible research or learning for pleasure and general working environment or the graduate job satisfaction. In many instances, individuals market upon completing an undergraduate motivated by academic factors go on to have course. Many students enjoy the flexibility some form of career within universities: and the lifestyle associated with full-time whether this be research, scholarship or student life and wish to maintain this as long teaching. Yet in recent years there does seem as is practically possible. Others may enjoy to have been a tendency for more people to the contact the with university environment pursue postgraduate studies, and particularly through part-time study at postgraduate This may be particularly valuable to those realised in the future. If higher education research degrees, for pure interest in a level. unsure of the direction in which they wish to is seen as something that can be accessed particular topic or subject area. The status attached to postgraduate take their professional, or even private, life. throughout your life and not just as a • Vocational qualifications such as PhDs is also a factor Finally, a reason cited by increasing continuation of primary and secondary This motivation relates directly to career important to some people. In certain sections numbers of postgraduate students for education in the early years then many development factors, such as access to of society (e.g. banks!), the title ‘Dr’ is seen doing a particular programme is that of self more people will return to higher education a particular profession that requires a as impressive and significant. Alternatively, improvement or challenge. This motivation several times throughout their lives and postgraduate degree (e.g. law). Improved any kind of postgraduate study may be is likely to become more important if the careers. salary and promotion prospects are also considered as a ‘time-out’ from working life. impact of lifelong learning is more fully Ewan Gillon and Jeremy Hoad PG Rant I’m a self-financing Masters level student. Due to an ineluctable situation I find it difficult to make ends meet. So I wish to drop out and receive a fee refund. -- Baffled worrier

Replies: It is very unusual for a university to refund fees to students except in the most extreme of circumstances. One possible solution is to do a shorter postgraduate diploma. A second way forward may be to examine closely the kinds of funding options that are available. Access funds and hardship funds are certainly open to postgraduate students, and career development loans may be available for certain courses. Alternatively you Don’t Read This Notice can search for work available to a postgraduate student in the university itself. 7 March 2006 FAIRTRADE 19 Fairtrade here on campus! What, why, where and when?! Fairtrade Fortnight runs from 6-19th March with the theme “Make Fairtrade Your Habit.” So come and choose great products with the FAIRTRADE Mark including chocolate, dried fruit, tea and coffee on sale in the Students’ Union between 10am and 4pm on Thursday 9th and 16th March.

But what’s Fairtrade all about? premium is paid which is set aside for farmers and workers have been fairly traded but do not carry the Mark. Fairtrade to spend on social and environmental projects or to standards are continuing to be developed to enable more And why should you bother? strengthen their organisations. This ensures communities products to be available to consumers’; therefore there Over one thousand products now carry the FAIRTRADE have the power and resources to invest in longterm are products that are not currently eligible to carry the Mark (see above/below). This Mark is awarded by improvement. More than five million people (producers, FAIRTRADE Mark. the Fairtrade Foundation to those products that meet workers and their families) across fifty-eight developing Sorrento, the café in the School of Management, sells international Fairtrade standards. It is an independent countries benefit from the International Fairtrade system. Fairtrade chocolate bars and biscuits, and Fairtrade tea consumer label which appears on products as a guarantee There are many heartening personal accounts of the and coffee are available on request. You can stock up on that disadvantaged farmers and workers are getting a better benefits of Fairtrade at http://www.fairtrade.org.uk/ Fairtrade products at Tesco and the Co-op on Madrid Road deal. suppliers_growers.htm Do have a look for yourself. Many – look out for the FAIRTRADE Mark. You can also get producers are pleased to be able to use farming methods Fairtrade at various places in town – there’s a great selection Why is Fairtrade needed? which respect the environment. Workers on plantations at Oxfam, plus just ask in Starbucks and Costa Coffee Prices can fluctuate a lot on international markets, and have better working conditions and belong to workers’ for their Fairtrade options. Guildford is currently aiming when prices fall it has a catastrophic effect for millions of organisations which allow them to represent their views to become a Fairtrade Borough – do look at http://www. small scale producers. Producers might not even receive to managers. Many, many people are also benefiting from guildford.gov.uk/GuildfordWeb/Environment/Fairtrade/ for enough income to cover what it costs to produce their crop, having electricity, clean running water, better housing, new details. and many are forced into crippling debt or lose their land community buildings, and so many children are getting the and homes. chance to go to school and to receive vocational training. By buying Fairtrade certified products, you’re giving farmers a chance to sell their products at a stable price that Isn’t Fairtrade really expensive? covers their costs and enables them to support their families Some Fairtrade products are often a little bit more and invest in a better future. expensive. But you might be surprised: a bunch of five Fairtrade encourages more direct trading relationships so Fairtrade bananas from Tesco cost me 83p (£1.14/kg that producers get a bigger share of the export price. Buying Fairtrade compared with 85p/kg not Fairtrade); and 45g Fairtrade products changes the lives of millions of people Fairtrade chocolate bar from the Co-op store on Madrid worldwide and shows how trade can be made to work in Road cost me 39p (prices as at 21/02/06). favour of poor people and the environment. And just think what a difference buying Fairtrade can make. Isn’t it worth paying a little bit extra to be part of But what about Make Poverty making such a difference? History? As students we have limited incomes so we can’t be In 2005, the Make Poverty History campaign involved expected to buy everything Fairtrade, but just doing what thousands of people campaigning for trade justice, dropping we can is an important contribution. How about making just unpayable debt and more and better aid. Although steps one of your regular purchases Fairtrade? Say bananas? Or were made, more change is needed to get justice for people tea? in developing countries. How about agreeing that your club, society or house will Compass, a Christian group in the Anglican way, is running So it is still really important to buy Fairtrade so that more use Fairtrade tea and coffee? You can buy catering packs the stall selling Fairtrade products in the Students’ Union producers benefit from fair, stable prices so they can invest of tea and coffee from online retailers listed at http://www. during Fairtrade Fortnight. Compass is open to all and in their communities and also get a stronger voice in world fairtrade.org.uk/suppliers_retailers.htm offers food, prayer, and exploration of Christian life in the markets. It is a simple act with far reaching effects. The real world. You’ll find a warm welcome, whatever your dramatic growth in sales of Fairtrade products is sending Where can I buy Fairtrade? situation or story. No experts (unless we invite them!) or a strong message to governments to put trade justice at the There will be a stall selling products with the FAIRTRADE easy answers: only those on a journey, ready to learn & heart of trade negotiations and national policies. Mark, including chocolate, dried fruit, tea and coffee in the grow! We meet on Mondays during Semester at 5pm in Students’ Union during Fairtrade Fortnight on Thursdays the Chaplaincy Lounge, Bourne Flat, Surrey Court. We’d 9th and 16th March between 10am and 4pm. Come and find Does Fairtrade actually help be very pleased if you would like to join us – please e- us in the main entrance to the Union – we’ll have leaflets mail Elizabeth Thompson [email protected] or the producers? and maybe even free tea and coffee samples. On the stall In a word, yes! Fairtrade guarantees that farmers receive Anglican Chaplain Jonathan Frost [email protected] if you may find past, rice and other Traidcraft products that a fair and stable price for their products. In addition, a you would like to find out more, or just come along. 20 COMMERCIAL BREAK! 7 March 2006 nightline Nightline is a student run amenity, managed as a Union society. They operate a listening service so that students can call a trained volunteer throughout the night from 8pm-8am on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday for advice and support. The telephone number is: 01483 686999 - or #9 6999 (from a campus phone) Nightline traditionally provides you with support and information over the phone, however here at Surrey we are fortunate enough to be able to offer a drop-in service too. This allows you to either call by phone or in person to the private and discreet Nightline flat, which is situated between Wandle and Wey Houses in Surrey Court. At least two volunteers will be on hand to give you non-judgemental and confidential support and information. A huge re-launch in September 2004 ensured that Nightline, is this year, up and running! A new committee with representatives from the Students’ Union and the University has been coordinated and an exciting new training scheme occurred, with opportunities to take part in workshops and seminars throughout the year. This has ensured that volunteers feel fully informed and competent to fulfill their responsibilites and callers can feel satisfied that their query will be answered by students who can draw on a wealth of knowledge. If you are at all interested in finding out more about the service, or indeed in volunteering your time throughout the year, please do not hesitate to click on the icon and contact: Ewan Panter or call 01483 68 (9228) The Nightline website can also provide you with more information about the service Its hip to be square

Are you the brains rather than the brawn? Do you sometimes wake up in the morning thinking your head is going to explode due to the sheer size of your cranium bulge? Well now is the time to put your mind at rest and to the test.

Here is your starter for 10.

The Marketing and Design Co-ordinator is bring- ing a team together for the next series of Uni - versity Challenge. You don’t have to be brainier than Einstein or Fry (but it would help), just make sure you have a IQ higher than Vyvyan from the Fashion was not Young Ones. Stephens best subject The Team has to be submitted at the end of this semester, so try and make the date at the bottom or contact Aaron Salins on 01483 689275/email ‘[email protected]’ if you cannot make it.

‘Oh, do come on’

Next Testing : Thursday 9th March Time : 5.30 till 7.00pm Place : GM Room - Union Offices 7 March 2006 NOT NEWS 21 Due to the success of the previous Not News (we were bombarded with compliments), Pete Nattress continues his work of satire. We obviously didn’t write it clear enough last time, so to avoid any confusion/lawsuits/rioting, we want to emphasise that THESE EVENTS DEFINITELY AND MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT HAPPEN, THESE ARTICLES ARE ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS. Stampeding voters hamper election process

The announcement of results for the when so many students voted that the annual USSU elections has been delayed ballot boxes became clogged, in some after several students were injured following cases exploding and injuring bystanders. a stampede to the ballot boxes last Thursday. It was also the last time pigeon voting was Election officials were overwhelmed all used at UniS, owing to a cat infestation on week by a multitude of eager voters ready campus which meant many ballots were to let their voices be heard, but the situation eaten rather than counted. Then-returning turned ugly when several students started officer Kathleen Stevens postulated that pushing and shoving to get to the front of encouraging fewer students to vote would the voting queues. The violence quickly actually make democracy easier for escalated out of control, with USSU everyone. She has since retired owing to personnel using water cannons to keep bladder failure. students at bay whilst simultaneously trying This year’s count is yet to be completed to take down their URNs. as many ballot papers were water damaged Whilst many have described the sheer during the riots. Exit polls indicate however number of voters as a positive step forward that the current leaders are as follows: For in Union democracy, several staff have VP Sports and Procreation, Umu “Sumo” expressed their concern at the handling of Smith; for VP Societies and Yeast Cultures, the stampedes, which left three students with Mary “Hairy” Williamson; for VP Education cuts and bruises and a further five unable to and Hellcare, “the fittest one” and for stop spouting Liberal Democrat rhetoric and stampedes to his own political advantage, and destructive ideal.” President: Tom Stevens. (Source: ICU) buying copies of The Independent. Resident saying: “This is the sort of behaviour that For many students, this election disaster university anarchist Tom Stevens used the makes it quite clear that democracy is an evil stirs grim memories of last year’s problems, Tesco will “shoot to kill” trolley thieves Corrections and

They take one out of every eight pounds we spend in Britain and Ammendments are one of our biggest brands, but that is not going to stop Tesco Last week, Not News ran a story about from gunning down anyone spotted stealing a trolley from its Daniel Jones’ cheating wife, and quoted Mr Guildford premises, barefacts has learned. Jones as saying, “I wish she was dead”. Not Armed sentries have been an ever-increasing sight outside News would like to apologise to Mr Jones, Guildford’s largest supermarket, employed to ward off the who never actually said this. His actual increasingly audacious students who have decided that the short words were the more grammatically accurate trip from the shop to the campus is too much for their feeble bodies “I wish she were dead”. Not News would to cope with. Trolleys are taken from the car park with reckless like to apologise and hopes this minor error abandon, many never again seeing the light of day as they are thrust has not damaged Mr Jones’ credibility as carelessly into shrubbery and roads. Tesco’s chief-of-security, a well-educated and syntactically pedantic Simon Hozzwallapoz, describes the thefts as akin to kidnapping. man. “Imagine if I came into your home and stole your child. You’d be distraught,” said Hozzwallapoz, continuing: “That’s how I feel every time I see another trolley has been taken from me. I feel that barefacts is the pain. Every day.” From Monday evening, Tesco’s battalion of guards will now aim student voice. their assault rifles and submachine guns at the bulging brains and pulsing jugulars of Surrey’s most prolific trolley rustlers. Previous preventative measures, such as magnetic wheel locks, spring-loaded If you’re a student, trolley traps, and laser-activated guard turrets have all been thwarted. but necessary aspect of the war on trolley pinchers. Metropolitan Stopping the thieves dead in their tracks, quite literally, remains Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair said that Tesco’s proposals then logic dictates the only alternative. “Warning shots just aren’t enough,” insists “sounded okay” to him. Meanwhile, sales of Kevlar vests and riot that barefacts is Hozzwallapoz. “Once I saw a student hit in the leg by a ricochet. shields at the Student Union shop have trebled in the past week as Instead of giving himself up, he clambered into the trolley and used many war-hardened students “kit up” for their weekly shopping trip. your voice. it as a getaway vehicle. That’s the sort of mentality we’re dealing “Usually I wouldn’t risk it,” says one, “but this week Stella is on two with.” for one and I really want to get a few crates, but I just can’t carry it. Local opinion is divided on the matter, with many residents I know it’s dangerous but it’s the only choice I’ve got. I’m going to expressing concern that they will be caught in the crossfire. Tesco have to steal a trolley.” The consequences, he adds, are beyond his Send articles. went off the record to say that civilian casualties are an inevitable control. 22 MAKE WAY FOR PAGE 22! 7 March 2006 The Baffling Crystal Balls Of barefacts Sophia Hawkins and Chris Ward provide this fornight’s combined forthcoming forecast into the foreseeable future.

Aries Virgo (March 21 – April 20) (August 24 – Sept 23) Your gambling problem is starting to You will find your true love this get out of control, and those dreams week if you spend an entire day you’re having about slut... I mean appending to each sentence you slot machines.. are going to get utter: “...according to the prophecy”. worse unless you do something about To ensure true-love-ness, make sure it. Try to get out more, it isn’t doing you speak to people otherwise like you any good. that robot from Buck Rogers.

Taurus Libra (April 21 – May 21) (Sept 24 – October 23) You will have an interesting Don’t resist the power of the glove- experience with a mobile phone this is vital and you must listen to over the next two weeks. What this advice. The glove will teach you this experience will be, we cannot things you never knew existed and tell. However, do not answer text will lead you onto the right path for messages that tell you you’ve won your life. Luck for you comes in the something. It’s not anything to do form of a Rose- especially if you with the prediction, just don’t be so pick a wild one and give it to the f**king stupid. person you have fancied since the beginning of the year. Just be careful not to get pricked! Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Spandex isn’t as cool as you once Scorpio thought it out to be. Your friends and (Oct 24 – Nov 22) family are extremely worried about Life is going your way, which is you, and are getting very frustrated fabulous really, but beware of the with the fact you’ve worn the pink green people surrounding you. When This week’s horoscopes were not brought to you by this lady Power Ranger’s costume for over you constantly wear your massive consider you too weird and ugly. a month now. And enough about cheesy grin it annoys people and monsters growing... makes them feel sick that life always Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20) goes your way. So this fortnight Dead tulips in a vase make for a Pisces I propose that you get yourself good drawing. Ease the anger and (Feb 20 – March 20) Cancer dumped by your partner- your frustration you feel (I’m not going Just a warning. He/she is not good (June 22 – July 22) housemates will find this hilarious to say what you’re frustrated about) looking, no matter how much the You will, at some point over the next when you come in stinking of old by donning a pencil in your hair beer/vodka tells you they are. Yes, fortnight, feel the urge to see how far banana skins and grass. in true barefacts form, it’s your turn you can get holding up a bank with and splashing some paint on some canvas. Pick some spots this week for us to tell you you’ll get laid*, but a bottle of “Shake ‘n’ Vac”. After you really don’t want to. It really is for luck. Just don’t do it near your failing to convince the clerk (and the Sagittarius NOT a good idea. police who have subsequently been (Nov 23 – Dec 21) lecturers and this could lead to some alerted) that the hoover-powder is in Oranges are really prominent right serious bad luck. *barefacts is not responsible for any lack of getting laid fact anthrax, you will regret the fact now, and it could be because of you may experience this Saturday. that the law doesn’t share your sense the colour. Orange is fabulous for Aquarius [email protected] of humour. cheering people up. So use orange (Jan 21 – Feb 19) to tell someone you care. And watch After your face cracked the mirror the cheer rolling in. The gods this you know your still experiencing bad Leo fortnight are treating you right which Fancy getting involved (July 23 – August 23) luck. To try and combat that, take is unusual for you but the moon will a friend and go running together in in barefacts? You are likely to feel an be fighting against this. We all know the fields. This will only work if you uncontrollable urge to lick a bare that you can’t fight the moonlight. wear Batman and Robin costumes. power line. We predict that if you Email us: Could lead to some interesting few You may get some strange looks do this, you most certainly will die. days. but at least you may not be under [email protected] Unless of course, there is no power, the spell of bad luck. Love may in which case you’ll live. be coming your way but they may 7 March 2006 REVENGE OF THE PUZZLES 23 Colin Everett, our very own puzzle-lord has crafted more things for you to do during that boring lecture. You’ll get the answer to the crossword next week. The answers, as always, are on page 24 (The back one).

Clues Across: Clues Down: 7) Raised wakway, especially by the sea. (9) 1) Part of a church, particuarly containing the altar. 8) In close proximity. (4) (4) 10) Involuntarily detains someone suffering from a 2) Hate to destroy a hotel. (Cryptic) (6) mental disorder. (8) 3) Interlocking bricks for children’s play. (4) 11) Character portrayed by Harold Sakata in 4) Swerves off course and sway back. (Cryptic) (4) Goldfinger. (3 - 3) 5) Wine lovers. (10) 12) Below; on the underside. (10) 6) Uncensored; Unabridged. (8) 16) A fish you might send for if your piano is a little 9) It grows into an oak tree. (5) off-key? (4) 13) Pan up for forty winks? (Cryptic) (3) 17) Birthstone associated with October. (4) 14) A major class of white blood-cells, involved in 19) Normal; Standard. (5) killing pathogens. (10) 20) Non-functional items; lemons. (4) 15) Former student loses Greek letter in Aluminium 22) A list of objectives or priorities. (2 - 2) compounds. (Cryptic) (5) 24) Futile ohms? (Cryptic) (10) 18) Respect. (4, 2, 2) 26) Ditch a sale agreement at the last moment to 21) Performing partner of Anthony McPartlin. (3) accept a higher offer. (6) 23) Deliver a speech. (5) 27) Forty-sixth US State where the wind comes 25) Stick to follow. (Cryptic) (6) sweeping down the plain. (8) 27) Stare. (4) 30) Bird’s dwelling snares Southerner in net. 28) A tree branch; A jointed appendage of a body. (4) (Cryptic) (4) 29) Cast anchor by back room. (Cryptic) (4) 31) Unwell; Sick. (3) 32) The elder of the Mario brothers. (5)

THE MODERATELY FREAKIN’ MAZE PSEUDO KU Place numbers in the empty boxes so you have numbers 1-9 in each row & coloum, and 1-9 in each 3x3 square. Easy. . . - . - . . . - ...... - . - . - . - - . . . . . / . - . . - . . - . - - / - - . .

IT’S A SEARCH-FOR-WORDS!

We’re going underground this week.

Twenty stations on the Central line of the London Underground system are hidden in the grid. .-- .... . -. / .. - / -.-. --- -- . ... / - --- / ..-. .- .. .-.. ..- .-. . / 24 SPORT-ISH 7 March 2006 2nd Team Football Victory University of Surrey 2’s 3-1 Lightwater Reserves corners and a whole host of crosses from Leon but went close but no real clear cut chance was ever 25/02/2006 no end product. A Free kick from Leon flashed carved out. Lightwater were by now really tiring across goal but Surrey could not equalise. With half and struggled to put any passes together and Surrey Surrey came into this match needing 3 points against time approaching Craig picked up the ball on the began to over-run them. On 80 minutes, Ridley ran another struggling side to push themselves away right hand touch line. He jinked past one defender down the line and shot across goal and Craig was from the relegation zone and up the league. Looking before cutting back inside and shooting into the net on hand to deflect the ball under the keeper and to build on last weeks win away in the cup, Surrey at the front post to surprise the keeper to score a give Surrey the deserved lead. From this point on had to begin with a patched-up side including some good individual goal. Surrey continued pressing but the game was never in doubt and Craig deservedly talented freshers due to injuries and players missing. the half came to an end at 1-1. completed his hat-trick with a neat finish under the advancing keeper thanks to good work on the right Team: Sieve, Dackers, Ben B, Nasher, Paul (Aps), H-T: 1-1 from foley. Dan (Tom Ridley), Robbo, Deano (Smithy), Leon, Craig and Foley. The second half began with Surrey on the back foot Overall a decent performance from Surrey despite despite the Lightwater side tiring. Lightwater had a never really playing to their full potential but with Surrey began the game sluggishly and found couple of half chances before their striker rounded the 3 points from the game nobody was complaining themselves at the start defending for the majority Sieve and passed across goal only to see his team and the 2’s look forward to a tough game next against a gale force wind. Surrey created little and mates shot stopped brilliantly on the line by Nasher. saturday against a good AFC Chilworth side. A soon found themselves a goal down. A Lightwater This again served as a wake-up call to Surrey and quick mention of the performances of the two midfielder split the defence and the striker drilled with the introduction of Smithy and Tom Ridley freshers Dackers and Tom Ridley who played well home from 15 yards. This only spurred Surrey began playing again and could have easily scored on their 2nd team debuts. on and then came out fighting. They forced a few from a great corner from Leon. Another freekick Man of Match was Craig Jones. Join The Debate - March 13th-17th Debating could, very tenuously, be considered a freezing - lecture theatre G! sport. So the back page seems a reasonable place to put details about the upcoming debating week Thursday 16th March taking place here at Surrey (March 13th to the Debate: Intelligent design - does it have any 17th) scientific merit? Time: 6.30 - 8pm The aims of the week are to stimulate Location: Wates House (TBC) discussion, debating, widening knowledge fields, as well as learning new skills, ideas and Friday 17th March opinions - for real issue debating as well as Debate: The Students’ Union building should entertainment. not wait until 2007 to introduce the smoking Feel free to come along to any of the debates ban, but should implement it from April - in all - you can just sit there and listen or join in. venues’ (Chancellors, Rubix, HRB, Harubix). Time: 1 - 2pm Monday 13th March Location: Student’s Union - downstairs in the Debate: Everyone is racist - whether consciously HRB. or subconsciously. Long drive, short pier. Time: 1 - 2pm So come along Location: 80MS02 and join the debates. Or are PUZZLE ANSWERS: READ UNDER ADVISEMENT Tuesday 14th March you a debate Answers to Crossword in Issue 1098: Debate: Should identity cards be introduced to chicken like Across: 1) Face The Music. 10) Ribbons. 11). Clarion. 12 and 16) James make the UK a safer place? Arnold? Bond. 13) Contract. 15) Cantilever. 18) ICBM. 20) Aspidistra. Time: 6.30 - 8pm 22) Narrator. 24) Rabbi. 26) Sincere. 27) Madison. 28) Illustration. Down: 2) Albumen. 3) Egoistic. 4) Hash. 5) Micronesia. 6) Shaft. Location: Roots 7) Chicago. 8) Projectionist. 9) United Nations. 14) Jesse Owens. ...I’m slightly 17) Microdot. 19) Burundi. 21) Tabsco. 23) Areal. 25) Amir. Wednesday 15th March worried by the Debate: Paris should have won the Olympic bid. debate chicken Time: 1 - 2pm personally. Location: Amphitheatre, or if raining/ snow/

This edition of barefacts was brought to you by the letter ‘W’, the number ‘2’ and a selection of motivated individuals. The next all highly absorbant edition of barefacts will hit the (small) kiosks Tuesday 21st March. Now get those articles/reviews/ obscene phone calls in immediately! You could always submit a personal (in-joke) to [email protected]