THE THE Elul 5763 • September 2003 JJewishewish U.S.A. $3.50/Foreign $4.50 • VOL XXXVI/NO. 7 OOBSERBSERVERVER Anti-Semitism Yesterday, Today…

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THE JEWISH OBSERVER (ISSN) 0021-6615 is published monthly except July and August by the Agudath Israel This is the full Table of Contents of the print edition of the of America, 42 Broadway, New York, NY10004. Periodicals postage paid in New Jewish Observer. The web edition contains only a selection of Yo r k, NY.Subscription $24.00 per year; articles (indicated in color). Click on the title to go to the two years, $44.00; three years, $60.00. Outside of the United States (US funds beginning of that article. Navigate using your browser’s menu drawn on a US bank only) $12.00 sur- charge per year. Single copy $3.50; for- and other options. eign $4.50. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to: The Jewish Observer, 42 Broadway, NY., NY. 10004. Tel: 212-797-9000, Fax: 646-254-1600.Printed in the U.S.A. ANTI-SEMITISM:YESTERDAY,TODAY… AND TOMORROW?

RABBI NISSON WOLPIN, EDITOR 11 A Blow to the Heart of Jerusalem EDITORIAL BOARD RABBI JOSEPH ELIAS 12 Yes,We Are Different, Rabbi Aaron Brafman Chairman

RABBI ABBA BRUDNY 15 The Truman Diaries in Retrospect, Yonoson Rosenblum JOSEPH FRIEDENSON RABBI YISROEL MEIR KIRZNER RABBI NOSSON SCHERMAN PROF. AARON TWERSKI 20 Reflections on the Passing of Moreinu Hagaon Rabbi DR. ERNST L. BODENHEIMER Z”L Yechiel Michel Feinstein l”xz, Rabbi Rephael Moshe Gettinger RABBI MOSHE SHERER Z”L Founders

MANAGEMENT BOARD AVI FISHOF, NAFTOLI HIRSCH ANTICIPATING THE NEW YEAR ISAAC KIRZNER, RABBI SHLOMO LESIN NACHUM STEIN 26 The King and i, Rabbi Yosef Levinson RABBI YOSEF C. GOLDING Managing Editor 30 Great Expectations, Rabbi Avi Shafran Published by Agudath Israel of America 34 Guilt:A Positive Factor in Teshuva, Mrs. Shira Frank

U.S. TRADE DISTRIBUTOR ISRAELI REPRESENTATIVE 38 “I’m Sorry”: Teshuva Begins at Home, Dr. Meir Wikler Feldheim Publishers Intnl. Media Placement 200 Airport Executive Park POB 7195 / 97 Jaffa Road Nanuet, NY 10954 Jerusalem 94340, ISRAEL

BRITISH REPRESENTATIVE BELGIAN REPRESENTATIVE 44 Rabbi Nachman Bulman l”xz: M.T. Bibelman Mr. E. Apter Grosvenor Works Lange Kievitstr. 29 A Page From the Book of His Life, Rabbi Yechiel Perr Mount Pleasant Hill 2018 Antwerp London E5 9NE, ENGLAND BELGIUM

FRENCH REPRESENTATIVE SOUTH AFRICAN Rabbi Bamberger REPRESENTATIVE SECOND LOOKS 21 Boulevard Paixhans Mr. V. Taback 57000 Metz PO Box 51552, FRANCE Raedene, Johannesburg 2124 SOUTH AFRICA 47 Alternative Closings, Rabbi Nachman Lapa SWISS REPRESENTATIVE Mr. S. Feldinger Leimanstrasse 36 49 A Tale of Two Students, Rabbi Avi Shafran 4051 Basel, SWITZERLAND 51 The Day the Lights Went Out THE JEWISH OBSERVER does not assume responsibility for the Kashrus of any product, publication, or service advertised in its pages 53 Letters-to-the-Editor © Copyright 2003 55 Leshana Tova Greetings September 2003 VOLUME XXXVI/NO. 7 SUBSCRIBE TO THE JEWISH OBSERVER. CLICK HERE. THE TERROR CONTINUES, k’’r ... ?rntb vn ?rcsb vn WHAT CAN WE SAY? WHATMUST WE DO?

Just when we were hoping…. just when things seemed to brighten up… just when we started to dream “maybe, just maybe”….

BUT IT WAS NOT TO BE. lives have been torn apart by the evil that plagues Eretz The barbaric bus bombing in Jerusalem has shattered Yisroel. And now, there are many more victims — bringing these dreams, and has shattered the lives of over 100 the total to over 1000 killed and thousands wounded — many of wonderful families. whose families need immediate assistance. THE AIA TERROR VICTIMS EMERGENCY FUND, We beg you to open your hearts, today, to help the founded by Agudath Israel of America a year ago, has orphans, the widows, and those maimed or crippled for life. already distributed hundreds of thousands of dollars to We beg you to help alleviate the unbearable pain and suf- families devastated by injury or death; families whose fering our brothers and sisters are enduring in Eretz HaKodesh. “Ribono Shel Olam, please bring this terror to an end!” vrhzdv gur ,t ihrhcgn ’vesmu’ vkp,u vcua,u

PLEASE RESPOND GENEROUSLY! Clip here and respond, today! YES! I want to assist Acheinu Beis Yisroel in Eretz Yisroel who are suffering as a result of terror. NAME

ADDRESS Please send your generous tax-deductible donation to:

CITY STATE ZIP AIA VICTIMS EMERGENCY FUND

TEL (DAY) (EVE.) Agudath Israel of America

Enclosed is my contribution of______42 Broadway, 14th Floor Check Enclosed Charge my: VISA MasterCard (min. $50 donation for credit card charges) New York, NY 10004 ACCOUNT NUMBER Tel: 212-797-9000 Fax: 646-254-1600 EXP. DATE / SIGNATURE F3 ANTI-SEMITISM: YESTERDAY, TODAY… AND TOMORROW?

A

Blowto the Heart of Jerusalem

piece of the Kosel was blown up mourning for them in their absence. as scores of people who frequented the by a suicide bomber a’’h at 9 p.m. • The body of Rochel Freydel Dushin- Taubenfeld home in New Square, N.Y. Aon Tuesday night, August 19 / 22 sky s’’hv was not brought to rest for two for a meal and an encouraging word. Menachem Av. At your next visit to the days, because she left no children • Reb Yosef Dov Binder s’’hv,a Gerer Kosel,you will look for the scars, and through whom her DNA could be Yungerman,was loved for his warm per- you won’t see them. But I tell you they identified. But she left thousands of bro- sonality by all who met him. He was a are there. ken hearts. She and her husband, Reb key member of the Kashrus department Earlier that evening, hundreds upon Mordechai h’’b – members of an old of the Rabbanut. hundreds of people ascended to the foot Yerushalmi family – hosted some 200 • Rabbi Yitzchok Ezrachi t’’yhka of the of the Har Habayis,the Temple Mount, guests at each of their Shabbos meals every Mirrer Yeshiva, testified that Rabbi to touch the splendor of the Shechina that week, most of them American yeshiva Eliezer Weissfish s’’hv,only forty years old, has never departed from this site, a rem- bachurim.They ate in three shifts of 30 had mastered Kol HaTorah Kulo — the nant of the Wall that surrounds the area. - 40 minutes each – Kiddush, full cours- entire Torah. They came there to daven,to beseech the es, Zemiros,a Dvar Torah, and Birchas • After Mrs. Lilach Karadi s’’hv had lost Almighty for the myriad needs of Klal Hamazon.At the funeral, Reb her father, she assumed responsibili- Yisroel and for themselves. And then they Mordechai weepingly begged his guests: ty of her ailing widowed mother and left, with the experience alive in their Don’t forget. Come this Shabbos. I’ll put her siblings. She would not entertain neshamos, taking a piece of the Kosel,as up the cholent (in accordance with his offers of shidduchim unless her two it were, with them. Rav’s directive). youngest siblings would be included. Well over a hundered of them • Wife of an admired talmid chacham, She leaves her husband, Dayan crowded aboard the Number Two bus, Mrs. Schwartz s’’hv,davened each of the Karadi t’’yhka,ofChacham Yosef’s Bet and at 9 p.m., on Rechov Shmuel Hanavi, three tefillos with a minyan, said Sefer Din,with one son, bereft of his wife a son of Yishmael detonated a bomb, Tehillim in its entirety every day. She was with their expected next child. and shattered many of these Kosel Jews. on her way home from the Kosel where The Yesod VeShoresh Avoda says that Every Jew is precious, and everyone who she had spent three hours in prayer for the last mitzva a person was engaged in is martyred by a blood-thirsty terror- the success of her son, who had been before passing away characterizes that ist is a Kadosh.We happen to know of accepted in a new yeshiva. person’s lifetime. These kedoshim, and several of these “Pieces of the Kosel”; • Mrs. Golda Taubenfeld s’’hv and her son the others with them, carried the Kosel as we weep for their loss, we invite the Shmuel s’’hv,left twelve mourning chil- with them... and we all surely share in reader to stop and savor the luminos- dren, plus the children of her late sis- mourning the loss of each and every one ity of their personalities, and join us in ter-in-law who joined her family, as well of those pure neshamos. N.W.

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 11 ANTI-SEMITISM: YESTERDAY, TODAY… AND TOMORROW? Rabbi Aaron Brafman YES,D WEIF AREFERENT AS IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN the eyes of the Poles, we could argue with them over the way they treat us. But they ur every brush with anti-Semi- do not give us any standing or consider tism, our every exposure to its us a people at all. Thus there is nothing Ovirulent expression is painful. to even talk about.” (from the Brisker But it never comes as a surprise. Haggada) Whether the recent disclosure of Pres- And so it has always been. Leaf ident Harry Truman’s diary and its rev- through Chumash and Nach and note elation of his anti-Semitic attitudes, the how, for example, the Sar Hamashkim rejection of the rights of Israel [read: (Chief Cup-bearer) informed Pharaoh Jews] in the U.N., its echoes in elite col- that Yosef interprets dreams, describing lege campuses across the U.S.A., or the him dismissingly as “a Hebrew youth, obvious bias against Israel in the media, a slave of the Chief of the Butchers.”... it is a prejudice that has been our con- Balak sent emissaries to engage Bilaam stant companion through the millennia. to curse “A people who has gone out of Close to 80 years ago, the Brisker Rav Egypt,” without even mentioning the (Rabbi Yitzchak Zev Soloveitchik) k’’mz Jews by name... on through the ages, visited the Chofetz Chaim when he was conferring neither honor nor dignity to on a stopover in Warsaw. The Chofetz the Jews. Chaim told him of an incident that had World War II abounds with cases in just occurred to him. point. For example, early in the war, Jew- Already in his 90’s, he decided to apply ish organizations pleaded with the U.S. for an exit permit to go to Eretz Yisroel. Government to make a strong statement [He never made the trip.] The responsi- condemning atrocities against the Jews, ble ministry told him that before they and to threaten the perpetrators with would grant him the permit he would punishment. European powers and the either have to produce a birth certificate U.S. Government refused to do so. (which were not even issued when he was In 1944, with Germany clearly head- born) or bring two witnesses to testify to ed for defeat, when such threats would the date and place of his birth. The Chofetz carry weight, the War Refugee Board Chaim replied that the witnesses would A History once again asked President Roosevelt to have to be over 100 years old, which made issue such a declaration. A statement was finding them an impossibility. of Being prepared, but when Roosevelt finally [The Chofetz Chaim continued:] released it on March 24th, 1944, the What was the rationale of the Polish Dismissed emphasis on Jews was moved from the minister? Don’t they recognize that first paragraph to the fourth. theirs was an impossible request? The presentation of his dedication to Lavan In September, 1944, retreating Ger- answer is in Parshas Vayatzei when the beyond the call of duty, and his mis- mans started killing surviving camp Torah describes the confrontation treatment at the hands of Lavan and his inmates. General Eisenhower warned the between Yaakov and Lavan: When sons. Lavan does not respond to Yaakov’s Germans not to “molest, harm, or per- Lavan pursues and catches up with argument. He merely says, “Your wives secute the concentration camp inmates, Yaakov and threatens him, Yaakov Avinu are mine and your sheep are mine.” no matter what their religion or nation- responds with a logical and passionate Lavan does not even consider Yaakov an ality may be.”Again specific mention of adversary worthy to deal with. the Jews was omitted. The excuse that Rabbi Brafman,a frequent contributor to these pages, is menahel of Yeshiva Derech Ayson in Far [Said the Chofetz Chaim:] “If Yidden mentioning Jews would only invite Rockaway NY. would be considered a normal people in more retaliation is rather lame.

12 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 Even today, when the Palestinians are the nations developed towards us in lining up against us, obviously some- allegedly reaching out to the Israelis in response to our assignment at Sinai thing is wrong with our spiritual status. an attempt to achieve peaceful coexis- (Shabbos 89a). And we do have the Torah to guide us. tence, they do not even allow the word And so we find ourselves once again “Israel” to be used in the Road Map A PATTERN OF SPIRITUAL at a major juncture in our history. On agreement. CAUSE AND EFFECT the one hand, there is an almost Indeed, consult the Chumash again. unprecedented amount of Torah learn- Bilam summed it up well when he he Books of Judges, and then ing and keeping of mitzvos in Eretz Yis- described the Jews thus: “Behold, it is a later, the Book of Kings, recounts roel, as well as an extraordinary amount nation that will dwell alone in solitude Thow, time and again, whenever of chessed being done by the Jews living and will not be reckoned among the the Jews were attracted by the culture there. This could be heralding the geula nations — u’bagoyim lo yis’chashav” and form of worship of neighboring we are waiting for. On the other hand (Bamidbar 23, 9). There is another nations, and strayed from adhering to (it is no longer even disguised), there are explanation of this prophecy, inter- those who want to do battle with G-d, preting the expression “lo yis’chashav” His Torah and with the upholders of to mean that we will not be accorded any Torah – which does not portend a peri- “chashivus”— neither respect nor legit- od of peace and security for us. The out- imacy — by the nations of the world. ne thing should come of the internal battle will ulti- We can at times attempt to ignore the mately determine the outcome of the fact, but now it is becoming rather Obe clear to all; external one. impossible. One thing should be clear to all; the the dream of dream of creating another secular state UNDERSTANDING aping Western culture with all its deca- THE UNREASONABLE creating another dence, as a means of bringing peace or secular state aping security, will not work. o understand why we have been What, then, can protect us from subject to this unreasonable Western culture with recurring anti-Semitism? Political and Ttreatment, we need only turn to social efforts do not yield positive the seminal confrontation between all its decadence, results by any conventional formula. In Yaakov Avinu and the Sar Shel Eisav — fact, results are often counter intuitive. Eisav’s Ministering Angel — as Yaakov as a means of Leaders and opinion makers respond prepared to cross the Jabbok Ford to bringing peace or unpredictably to our efforts. As the pas- enter the Land of Canaan. The Torah suk says: “Like streams of water is the says, “And Yaakov was left alone, and a security, will not heart of a king in the hands of Hashem. man wrestled with him to the break of As He wishes, so does He direct it.”Yes, dawn” (Bereishis 32, 25). work. this passuk explains how Harry Truman The Midrash comments,“Just as the — whose newly-found diary reveals him Prophet said,‘On that day Hashem will to have harbored strong anti-Semitic be alone – usck oav cdabu’(Yeshayahu feelings — spoke out on behalf of the 2, 17) so too is Yaakov destined to Jews during World War II and recog- remain alone.” G-d’s commands, they were persecuted nized Israel against the objections of the As the representatives of Hashem on by these very nations. A prophet (or State Department, while other heads of this world, we are designated to bear His judge) was given the task of calling the state since, who are considered to be message to the peoples of the world. We people to teshuva, and, as a result of their genuine friends, put pressure on Israel are the conscience of mankind, we tes- positive response, they succeeded in to accept proposals that would spell dis- tify that might is not the ultimate overthrowing their occupiers. aster to its future existence. source of power, that unbridled expres- This pattern is repeated numerous Obviously, in those days it was a mat- sion of passion is not a meaningful, pro- times. One thing clearly emerges from ter of simple survival, and we were ductive lifestyle, and that man is answer- the many events in Nach: the safety and zocheh le’nissim — Hashem granted us able to G-d for his conduct. But the security of Eretz Yisroel is dependent on miracles. Today, more is demanded of world does not want to hear this mes- the Jews’ conforming to the will of us. A positive outcome to current crises sage. That is one of the explanations of G-d. Today, we have no Navi to tell us is contingent on our personal and the Chazal – that Mount “Sinai” refers the specifics as to why we suffer and national conduct, and surely not on the to the sina – hatred – that emanated what corrective measures we should thrust of political pressures and eco- from the revelation at Sinai, the hatred embark on. But if we see the entire world nomic contingencies.

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 13 ”NO PEACE WITHOUT INNER PEACE” Thus, from every criterion, we are our silver and our paintings? We can’t just at a great crossroad — for us Jews as walk away from it all.” he Navi Yeshaya quotes the Rib- well as for the entire world. The My father began pacing back and forth bono Shel Olam,“For the sake of unrest in all areas of the world is not thinking. Finally he said, “This is the 20th TZion I will not be silent, and for separate from what is happening to us century. It’s the Western World. We are the sake of Yerushalayim I will not be in Eretz Yisroel.The outcome will educated. I’m a lawyer. I have plenty of still, until her righteousness emanates depend on the degree of ruchnius we influence. What could happen?” like a bright light and her salvation glows bring into our lives and into the lives He turned to my mother and said, like a torch.” of the world population. “You are right. Let’s go back.” So we The Targum explains this to mean: turned around and went back. “Until there is a redemption for Zion, recently published book, titled We were so close. Of the 182,000 Jews I will not give any rest to the nations; Heaven on Earth, is a collection in my hometown, only 184 survived. My and until there is a consolation and Aof essays by baalei teshuva about parents did not. comfort in Jerusalem, there will not be their life-changing experiences. There is The story is moving in itself. But it peace among the nations.” an article by a holocaust survivor who can also serve as a metaphor for our cur- Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler in sev- is now a psychotherapist. She describes rent situation, as well. We are all living eral places in the Michtav Me’eliyahu (I, how, when the war broke out in Poland, in momentous times. Let us rise to the pg. 68; III, pp. 97 and 163) explains it her family started to flee and make their challenges and not be destroyed by the on a yet deeper level. That until Moshi- way towards Romania. distraction from all the trinkets vying for ach comes and the focus of mankind can On the way we ran out of gas, so we our attention. Let us focus on the spir- be elevated to a higher spiritual level, hired a horse and buggy and continued. itual core of our peoplehood, the emanating from Zion, there cannot be We crossed a big river and it was very essence of our mission, the thrust of our peace. For if all of man’s strivings are for scary. Finally we stood at the bottom of goals for the future. Growth in Torah, more physical pleasures and the amass- a hill, seeing the border of Romania spiritual improvement, pursuit of jus- ing of material mementos, there will halfway up. At that point, my mother tice, love of chessed.These should be our always be strife and competitiveness turned to my father and said, “But distinguishing features, our message to among both individuals and nations. honey, what about our Persian rugs and the world. ■

14 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 ANTI-SEMITISM: YESTERDAY, TODAY… AND TOMORROW? Yonoson Rosenblum The Truman Diaries in Retrospect

I. THE HISTORICAL CONTEXT from harmless. Negative feelings about II. DETACHMENT FROM REALITY Jews doubtless had a great deal to do with he recently published excerpts American immigration policy through- he foregoing serves as the histor- from President Harry S. Truman’s out World War II. During the War years, ical context for President Tru- Tpersonal diaries serve as a useful polls consistently showed 71-85% of Tman’s now famous outburst reminder of how much America has Americans opposed to any increase in about Jewish selfishness after a phone changed over the last half century. Fifty immigration quotas. Even a proposal to call from former Treasury Secretary or sixty years ago, negative stereotypes bring 20,000 Jewish children to Ameri- Henry Morganthau, Jr. Morganthau about Jews were pervasive and discrim- ca over a two-year period was opposed sought Truman’s intervention with the ination was widespread. by 60% of those polled. The over- British to secure permission for a ship In the decade prior to Pearl Harbor, whelming opposition to any relaxation carrying over 4,000 survivors of the anti-Semitic firebrand Father Charles of immigrant quotas partly explains the European inferno to unload its human Coughlin commanded a weekly radio reluctance of the Roosevelt administra- cargo in Palestine. audience of 3.5 million listeners. A tion to commit any resources to the res- That humanitarian request moved wealth of poll data from the period reveals cue of Jews throughout the War. Truman to rage against the selfishness widespread anti-Semitic stereotypes. The murder of Jews elicited no out- of Jews: “They care not how many In one series of polls between 1938- pouring of sympathy. Audiences, in Estonians, Latvians, Finns, Poles, 1946, over one-half of those asked one study, reacted with seven times Yugoslavs or Greeks get killed as DPs described Jews as greedy and dishonest more revulsion to stories of Nazi as long as the Jews get special treat- and one-third felt they were overly atrocities when the Jewish identity of ment.’’ Having worked himself into a aggressive. Between one-third and one- the victims was hidden. That apathy to fine lather, he proceeded to compare half perceived Jews as wielding too much the slaughter of Jews was fully reflect- Jews to the two worst mass murderers power, in another set of polls. Most ed in the media. When the State in history: “When [Jews] have power, shocking was another group of polls Department confirmed in late 1942 physical, financial or political neither showing that 15% of Americans would that the Nazis had already murdered Hitler nor Stalin has anything on have actively supported an anti-Jewish 2,000,000 Jews, only five papers in the them for cruelty or mistreatment of the movement and another 20-25% would entire country placed the story on page underdog.’’ have been sympathetic. one, and none prominently. Two years There is no mitigating these com- Anti-Semitic stereotypes were far later, a report that 400,000 Hungari- ments. Truman’s dislike of Jews was an Jews had already been deported to such that it that left the President com- Rabbi Rosenblum,who lives in Jerusalem, is a the extermination camps at Auschwitz pletely detached from reality and sti- contributing editor to The Jewish Observer.He and another 350,000 were slated for fled all the normal human sympathy is also director of the Israeli division of Am Echad, the Agudath Israel-inspired educational outreach deportation merited only page 12 that the plight of the desperate sur- effort and media resource. coverage in the New York Times. vivors should have elicited. Such

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 15 remarks, for Truman, were neither a III. TYPOLOGIES OF ANTI-SEMITISM one-time event nor the sort of fleeting, private thoughts that most of us have resident Truman’s anti-Semitism from time to time and which would was both real and ugly. Yet it is still leave us mortified were they known to Pimportant to distinguish it from others. In a letter to his wife from older, more virulent strands of the dis- Miami, he once remarked on the sur- ease. There is no evidence, for instance, feit of “Hebrews’’ to be found there. that distaste for Jews played any central The accusations of Jewish cruelty to role in his worldview, as in the case of society’s underdogs and his comparison those who blame the Jews for all the to butchers who wantonly murdered world’s problems. millions of innocents Stalin are made Nor was Truman’s anti-Semitism doubly ugly by their lack of any basis in immutable or impervious to all evi- reality. In Truman’s day, as today, Jews dence. For Truman, negative stereotypes were the group most likely to take up the about Jews were no more than rebut- cause of society’s downtrodden, long table presumptions. His first business after they themselves had left the cate- partner was a Jewish army buddy by the gory of “underdogs.” name of Eddie Jacobson. Their friend- Morganthau did not seek special ship long outlasted their failed haber- treatment for Jews, only that Truman dashery. At Jacobson’s request, Truman should acknowledge the unique nature agreed to meet with Israel’s first presi- of their situation. The Jews alone dent Chaim Weizmann, two months among the post-War refugees had no before the United States became the first place to go. The doors of America and country to recognize Israel. In 1955, Western Europe remained closed for all shortly before Jacobson’s death, Truman but a lucky few. Most had no desire to wrote to his old friend expressing his return to their former homes in places intention to visit Israel and suggested drenched in the blood of their loved that they go together. He once called ones, and those who did often found Jacobson “as fine a man as ever walked.” themselves the victims of pogroms at Nor is there much evidence of a dis- the hands of those who had appro- taste for Jews overriding Truman’s esti- priated their homes. mation of either the national interest or Far from discriminating in favor of his own personal interest. He ignored a Jews, the Allies had systematically dis- threat from his Secretary of State Gen- criminated against them in all rescue eral George Marshall to resign if he rec- and relief efforts during the War. In the ognized Israel, though as Sidney Zion entire course of the War, not one Allied has pointed out, that decision may have ship was ever made available to trans- owed more to shrewd political calcula- port Jews to safety, even where that was tion than to anything else. As an unpop- possible and troop ships were return- ular incumbent approaching the 1948 ing to America empty. Yet, notes his- election, Truman felt he could not torian David Wyman, “transportation afford to lose the traditionally Democ- somehow materialized to move ratic Jewish vote in New York, if he were 100,000 [non-Jewish Yugoslavs, Poles, to have any chance to defeat New York and Greeks] to dozens of refugee Governor Thomas Dewey, who had camps that sprang into existence.’’ already strongly endorsed statehood for The British refused to allow foodstuffs Israel.1 to be sent to Jews in Polish ghettos on Finally, there were always counter- the grounds that the food might help 1 Richard Nixon was another president whose the Nazi war effort. Yet the Allies char- own personal anti-Semitism did not overcome tered ships to move tens of millions of his estimation of the national interest. The Water- dollars of food to Greeks under Nazi gate tapes are filled with almost paranoid rant- occupation, even though their average ings about the Jews. Nevertheless, Nixon over- ruled his Jewish Secretary of State, Henry caloric intake was 50% higher than that Kissinger, to resupply Israel in the first dark days of the Jews in ghettos. of the Yom Kippur War.

16 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 vailing factors present within American ic epithets are more likely to be used by cut out of professions like banking, society that limited the impact of anti- friends as a form of ethnic identification excluded from social clubs, and reject- Semitism, and are reflected in Truman’s than as expressions of hatred. ed by the old WASP law firms. overall behavior to Jews. Among those True, American Jews continue to rate Yet America also offered Jews the abil- factors was the constitutional guaran- resurgent anti-Semitism high on their ity to mitigate the impact of that dis- tee of religious equality – the protection list of concerns, but this has little to do crimination. Denied admissions to the of the “free exercise’’ of religion by pri- with their own life experiences. In one Ivy League, ambitious Jewish students vate individuals, on the one hand, and survey of Jews in Northern California, turned CCNY into the most intellectu- the protection against the establishment one-third expressed the view that non- ally alive campus in America. Cut out of any particular religion by the state, Jews would not vote for a Jewish can- of banking, Jews came to dominate on the other hand. The general egali- didate for Congress. At that time, all investment banking and built Holly- tarianism of American society and idea three congressmen in the area were Jew- wood. Denied places in blue-blood law that each man should be judged as an ish. One suspects that fears of renewed firms, they formed their own and, in individual also mitigated the force of anti-Semitism express a psychological time, competed on equal terms with American anti-Semitism. need rather than a reading of reality. those that had closed the door on them. Truman’s anti-Semitism, then, must Anti-Semites, even imagined ones, pro- be distinguished from older forms of vide confirmation that one is a good Jew, Missing: The Flip Side of Rejection what might be labeled theological anti- linked to all those other Jews through- Semitism.2 For the theological anti- out history.3 t the same time, the passing of Semite there is nothing casual about his No one will wax nostalgic about the the older forms of discrimination hatred of Jews. All his thoughts revolve waning of American anti-Semitism. Ahas not been without its costs. around that hatred, and it shapes every For those denied the societal benefits The discomfort that gentiles once felt in aspect of his worldview. The Jew is the that their abilities and ambitions should the presence of Jews reflected a meta- Other, the denier of the central values have won them, the discrimination of physical reality – Jews and gentiles are of society. the past was a bitter pill. Jews were sub- different. That discomfort is akin to the For the theological anti-Semite ject to rigid quotas in admissions to Ivy natural discomfort an am ha’aretz feels hatred of Jews is not a distraction from League colleges and to medical schools, in the presence of a talmid chacham. his life goals, it is the goal. Hitler, though Cultural anti-Semitism served as a 3 Perhaps the only places in America today where not a believing Christian, inherited the Jews are likely to confront blatant anti-Semitism useful reminder that Jews are different, mindset of theological anti-Semitism are the college campuses. The rabid anti-Israel are meant to be different. The flip side that once characterized the Catholic sentiment on many elite campuses has an intim- of anti-Semitism was far greater Jewish Church and later Martin Luther. The idating effect on many Jewish students. Reluc- pride than exists today. Shunned by gen- tant to be identified as co-religionists with the extermination of the Jews was for him colonial oppressors in Israel, they shy away from tiles, Jews were far stronger in their Jew- not a byproduct of world conquest; anything Jewish or too frequently join in the con- ish identity. They were more likely to live rather world conquest was the means for demnations of Israel. in Jewish neighborhoods and to asso- removing the stain of the Jews from mankind. That is why the Nazis con- You can! Just call tinued to divert badly needed military supplies to the extermination camps in I wish I could The Yitti Leibel the final year of the War. “ Helpline. H OURS: IV.WANING ANTI-SEMITISM Monday-Friday ...... 8am -12pm speak to a Monday-Thursday...... 8pm -11pm Sunday ...... 9am -12pm, 9pm -11pm he once pervasive cultural anti- Semitism has largely disappeared frum therapist 718-HELP-NOW Tin America today. Most Jews (718) 435-7669 have never neither been physically Chicago...... (800) HELP-023 attacked nor discriminated against by Lakewood ...... (732) 363-1010 on the phone Cleveland...... (888) 209-8079 anti-Semites. Even the old anti-Semit- Baltimore...... (410) 578-1111 2 That is not to deny that some of Truman’s Detroit ...... (877) 435-7611 attitudes towards Jews had their roots in his without giving San Diego ...... (866) 385-0348 Southern Baptist upbringing. He once Toronto...... (416) 784-1271 The Rebbetzin Phyllis Weinberg Branch of the Yitti Leibel Helpline remarked a cabinet meeting,“If J. could not sat- g’’v uuhkvgko crul anutk r’ c, suxht jh’v ban, kgkuh isfy these people, how am I supposed to?” But ,ak"v( thhr h"t )bpyrv r’ hagh’v ci r’ nav sus crtui g"v crtui sus nav r’ ci hagh’v r’ in general, his feelings about Jews were more my name. ,ak"v( xhui ’ c )bpyr social than theological. ” Dedicated by Mr. & Mrs. Shmuel Boruch Wilhelm

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 17 ciate primarily with other Jews. Jewish- would marry other Jews. are harder to sustain precisely because so ness was a far more crucial component Today the old social barriers have fall- little distinguishes the lives of most Amer- to their self-identity than today, and the en. Gentiles are no more likely to oppose ican Jews from their gentile neighbors. fate of other Jews around the world their son or daughter marrying a Jew than Does that mean that anti-Semitism will more central to their concerns. Jews of Jewish parents are to oppose their child not reappear? Not if the patterns of Jew- that era naturally assumed that they marrying a non-Jew. The old prejudices ish history hold true. Rapid assimilation into the host culture has often preceded [email protected] outbreaks of vicious anti-Semitism. The www.apply4amortgage.com hundred years of assimilation by German Jews prior to Hitler’s rise to power is but the most horrible example. Registered Mortgage Brokers NYS Dept. of Banking The Beis Halevi traces this pattern to our very birth as a people in Egypt.Amidst Corporate Headquarters: 800 Manor Road, Ste #1 • Staten Island, NY 10314 Phone 718-983-9272 • 914-MORTGAGE praises enumerating all that Hashem did Dovid Winiarz, President for our ancestors in Egypt, the Psalmist “We make you feel at home” 973-MORTGAGE • 212-983-1000 $ Loans arranged through 3rd party providers includes,“He turned [the Egyptians’] heart to hate His people, to conspire against His Considering a move servants” (Tehillim 105, 25). Why should Considering a move the hatred we suffered at the hands of the to MONSEY? Egyptians be considered one of Hashem’s kindnesses? asks the Beis Halevi. For careful attention to your After the death of YosefHaTzaddik,the individual needs, call us today! Beis Halevi explains, the Jews in Egypt began to fear the onset of the 400 years (845) 354-8445 of enslavement foretold to Avraham. They sought to prevent this by removing the most visible sign of their difference from the Egyptians: the bris of Avraham. The removal of that sign of Jewish dis- ARE YOU MOVING? tinctiveness led, for a period of time, to IS YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS PRINTED greater intermingling between Jews and Egyptians.At that point, says the Beis Hale- INCORRECTLY ON THE JO MAILING LABEL? vi, Hashem protected His people from We need your help to ensure proper delivery of the Jewish Observer to your home. being absorbed into Egyptian society by Please attach current mailing label in the space below, or print clearly your address and causing them to become disgusting in the computer processing numbers that are printed above your name on the address label. eyes of the Egyptians. Throughout history, writes the Beis Halevi,that pattern has repeated itself:“To the extent that Jews decrease the distinc- Affix old label here tion between themselves and the nations based on their observance of Torah and mitzvos, HaKadosh Baruch Hu increases the hatred of the Jews by their hosts.’’ Name ______Viewed from this perspective, the old social New Address ______barriers, which prevented Jews and gen- tiles from drawing too close together, City, ______served to protect Jews from the worst anti- State, ______Zip ______Semitic excesses. In sum, we may one day come to view Date Effective ______the diminution of older forms of social Send address The Jewish Observer discrimination, in the same way the Baal changes to: Change of Address HaTanya viewed Napolean’s emancipa- 42 Broadway, 14th Floor, New York, NY 10004 tion: Good for individual Jews, but not Please allow 4-6 weeks for all changes to be reflected on your mailing label. We will not necessarily good for the Jewish people be responsible for back issues missed unless you notify us 6 weeks prior to your move. or Judaism. ■

18 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 ANTICIPATING THE NEW YEAR Rabbi Avi Shafran Great Expectations

MESSAGE ON the arrow leaves the bow THE LABEL – or an error of a single digit at the first step in a houghts of conse- long calculation – can quence can some- yield a difference of miles, Ttimes arise from or millions, in the end. the most mundane expe- Modern scientific termi- riences. Even from some- nology has given the con- thing as unremarkable cept both the unwieldy as a headache. name “sensitive depend- Opening the medi- ence on initial condi- cine cabinet one day in tions” and the playful one search of relief, I was “the butterfly effect,” the struck by a sticker on a latter after the influence prescription container. I that the flapping of a had seen both the con- butterfly’s wings halfway tainer and the sticker around the world could countless times, but the presumably have on full implication of the tomorrow’s local weather. message on the latter The most striking but- had somehow always terfly effects take place escaped me. during formative stages, “Not for use by preg- when much is transpiring nant women,”the caveat with particular rapidity. read. Thus, the label on the “And why not?” a medication: the gestation part of my aching but of a fetus, that single cell’s still functioning head incredible journey toward wondered. personhood, is strikingly Because, another part responsive to so much of answered, a fetus is so what its mother does, eats much more sensitive to the effects of the most subtle stimuli. and drinks. The developing child is chemicals than a more developed person. Which thought led, slowly but inex- exquisitely sensitive to even the most oth- Partly, of course, because of its very tini- orably, to others, about b’rias olam – the erwise innocent chemicals because begin- ness, but more importantly, because it is creation of the world – and Rosh nings are formative, hence crucial, times. an explosively, relentlessly developing Hashana. Leaving the realm of the microcosm, thing. When things undergo a process of our world itself, too, had a gestation development – especially as furious a THE SENSITIVE LAUNCHING STAGE period, six days’ worth. Interestingly, just process as a single cell growing to a many- as the initial developmental stage of a billions-of-unbelievably-variegated-cells he Maharal notes that the trajec- child takes place beyond our observa- organism in a matter of mere months – tory of a projectile – or, we tion, so did that of the world itself. The they are easily and greatly affected by even Tmight similarly note, the outcome event and processes of those days are of a series of mathematical computa- entirely hidden from us, the Torah sup- Rabbi Shafran serves as Agudath Israel of Amer- tions – can be affected to a sometimes plying only the most inscrutable gen- ica’s Director of Public Affairs and as the Amer- astounding degree by a very small eralities about what actually took place ican director of Am Echad, the Agudath Israel- inspired educational outreach effort and media change near the start of the process. A then. Thus Chazal apply the passuk “The resource. diversion of a single degree of arc where honor of Hashem is the concealment of

30 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 things” (Mishlei 25,2) to the days of Cre- first Shabbos seeming in every detectable pun value – their names reflective of ation. Honest scientists admit the same. way to reflect millions of years of hoped-for blessings; they become sud- E.A. Milne, a celebrated British development, years that never actually denly valuable in an almost solemn way. astronomer, wrote:“In the divine act of were,eons that occurred entirely with- These simanim would hardly seem sub- creation, G-d is unobserved and unwit- in the six days of the world’s explosive, stantive means of ensuring good for- nessed.”The physicist Richard Feynman embryonic growth. tune, and are not suggested for any other once remarked about quantum Which leads to Rosh Hashana: “The time of the year, yet on Rosh Hashana mechanics, the physical system under- birthday of the world.”That, at least, is they suddenly enjoy great prominence. lying matter,“ I think it is safe to say that how the first day of the Jewish year is Could it be that the reason things not no one understands [it].” etched in many a Jew’s mind, the yield greatly significant under normal cir- Despite our inability, however, to of the phrase hayom haras olam on our cumstances suddenly take on pointed truly know anything about the hap- lips as the shofar echoes in our ears. importance during Aserres Y’mei Teshu- pening of the creation week, to think of va is because those days have their ana- those days as a gestational time is pow- WHEN THE NEW YEAR logue in the concept of gestation? That erfully enlightening. It may even help IS ABOUT TO BE BORN those days are so incredibly sensitive to explain the apparent discrepancy minor influences because they are the between what we know from the Torah he word haras, however, is root- days from which the entire year will devel- is the true age of the earth and what the ed not in leida, the Hebrew word op? And that, therefore, the first day of geological and paleontological evidence Tfor birth, but in hirayon,a word the year – the hayom haras olam, the seem to say. that means the process of conception conception-day itself – is the most sen- Consider: what would happen if the /gestation. Annually, at the start of the sitive of all? age of an adult human since his con- Jewish year, it seems we relive the ges- While mitzvos and good conduct are ception were being inferred by a sci- tational days of creation. But more: those always in season, they have particular entist from Alpha Centauri, a hypo- days are formative ones, the develop- power during the Ten Days of Teshuva. thetical intelligent creature with no ment period for the year that is to follow. And while simanim may not be of great familiarity whatsoever with our bio- Beginning with the “conception-day” of concern to us over the course of the year, logical world, using only knowledge it Rosh Hashana itself, and continuing on Rosh Hashana itself they are to be has of the human’s present rate of with the “gestational days” leading to cherished for their substantial, if growth and development? In other Yom Kippur, the period of the early new momentary, power. words, if our alien professor knew only Jewish year is to each year what the Cre- And so, it is with the very same vig- that the individual standing before it ation-week was to the world of our ilance and care an expectant mother has developed from a single cell, and saw experience: a formative stage. for the rapidly developing, exquisitely only the relatively plodding rate and All of which may well lend some sensitive being within her that we must wholly unimpressive degree of change insight into a puzzling halacha.We are all approach our own recurrent gesta- in its subject, it would have no choice instructed by the Shulchan Aruch to con- tion-times, the flap of the figurative but- but to conclude that the 30-year-old duct ourselves in a particularly exem- terfly-wings that is the start of a new human was, in truth, fantastically old. plary manner at the start of a new Jew- Jewish year. ■ What the Alpha Centaurion is missing, ish year. For each year’s first ten days, we of course, is an awareness of the spe- are to avoid eating even technically cialized nature of the gestational stage kosher foods that present other, less seri- Digest of Meforshim of life, the poignantly pregnant peri- ous, problems, and to generally conduct yjvkl rtb yjvkl od before birth, with its rapid, ourselves in a more careful manner than l”xz rijla lavms g”hrhm astounding and unparalleled rate of during the rest of the year.* development. Rosh Hashana itself, according to Available at If we recognize that a similar gesta- Jewish custom, is even more strictly LEKUTEI tional stage existed for the world as a responsive to our actions. On the year’s c/o Yitzchok Rosenberg 1445 54th Street whole at its creation – and the Torah tells first day, it is recommended that a Jew Brooklyn, NY 11219-4228 us to do precisely that – then it is only avoid sleep, that we utilize the entire day 718-854-6701 reasonable to expect that formative stage to the fullest and squander not a 20 Volumes on Torah, Perek, Medrash, to evidence a similarly accelerated rate moment. Megilos, Talmud, and Tehilim. of development, with the results on the Indeed, so sensitive is Rosh Hashana Proceeds of sales distributed among to what we do that even seemingly Yeshivos and used for reprinting of * For example, the prohibition against eating pas pointless and often baffling practices volumes out-of-print palter – bread baked by non-Jews on a com- mercial basis – which is an optional chumra,but take on sudden importance for that day. PRICE: $8.00 PER VOLUME to be avoided during the Ten Days of Penitence. For instance, the foods we eat for sheer

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 31 ANTICIPATING THE NEW YEAR Dr.Meir Wikler

I. THE ELEMENTS OF ATONEMENT gated to apologize whenever we have most important words in marriage are, hurt someone in any way. And the ones ‘I was wrong.’” ot all sins are absolved on Yom we are most likely to hurt are those with Invariably, many members of the Kippur. As the Mishna states, whom we live – our spouses. Teshuva for audience nod their heads in knowing N“Yom Kippur does not atone for aveiros bein adam l’chaveiro – interper- approval. It is almost impossible to live transgressions between man and man sonal sins – must therefore begin at with someone, anyone – roommate or unless one [first] appeases his friend.” home. relative – without offending him once (Yoma 8:9) The Gemora explains the What is the best method to “appease” in a while. To heal the wound that you extent of our obligation to ask others for your spouse? Why are some apologies inflicted, whether willfully or not, you forgiveness.“Rabbi Yitzchok said,‘Who- accepted, allowing couples “to move on,” must apologize. Your spouse’s accept- ever annoys his friend – even if only with while other apologies tend to provoke ance depends in large measure on how words – is obligated to appease him.’” even more hostility than they were orig- well you apologized. A successful apol- (Yoma 87a) inally designed to diffuse? This article ogy will clear the air, diffuse your The Shulchan Aruch also includes this will address these and other practical spouse’s angry feelings and soothe the requirement and goes one step further. questions about healing wounds inflict- injury. A failed attempt, on the other “Transgressions between man and man ed in marriage. hand, will generate more pain, disap- are not atoned for by Yom Kippur pointment and resentment. unless he [the transgressor] appeases The Three Most To properly elucidate this aspect of him [the victim]. Even if he only pro- Important Words in Marriage marital communication, I will present voked him verbally, he must still appease two thoroughly disguised case examples him. And if he is not appeased with the ften, when speaking publicly on from my practice, one of failure and one first [attempt], he should return and go husband/wife relationships, I of success. While the apologizers in both [to him] a second time and a third time.” Opose the following question to of these cases happen to have been the (Orach Chaim, Hilchos Yom Hakip- the audience: “What are the three most husbands, in general, wives need to ask purim 600:1) [Emphasis added.] important words in marriage?” forgiveness no less than their husbands. Clearly, then, we are halachically obli- After a brief pause, I continue.“Now, I know what you are thinking. The first II. MUTTY AND LIEBA Dr. Wikler,a psychotherapist and family coun- word is ‘I,’ but the third word is not selor in private practice, lives in Brooklyn, NY. This article was adapted from his forthcoming ‘you.’” or Mutty, the most important book, Ten Minutes a Day to a Better Marriage, to Puzzled, even worried looks appear. goal in life was to be respected and be published by ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications. Then I relieve the suspense. “The three Fhonored by others. And for Mutty,

38 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 the quickest and most direct route was to amass as much wealth as possible. Although Mutty was making a com- fortable living as an executive in a real estate management firm, he was not earning a salary close to what he hoped to be earning after seventeen years of marriage. As many of his friends and neighbors were purchasing or building new homes, Mutty felt pressure “to keep up with the Cohens,”but could not even redecorate his modest home. Mutty then withdrew all his family’s savings to invest in “high tech” stocks which were soaring at the time. To increase his potential profits, he pur- chased the stocks “on margin,” which meant that he was actually buying on credit. When the stock market crashed, Mutty’s entire house of cards collapsed and Mutty was forced to declare per- sonal bankruptcy. Mutty and Lieba’s home and cars were seized and they moved into a small apartment. Lieba was openly angry:“How could you have taken such a risk? Why didn’t you tell me about this before we lost our home?” “You were not interested,”Mutty shot back defensively. “You never asked about our finances.” Fast forward four years. Mutty and Lieba are now living in a new neigh- borhood in a private, but simple home. Mutty is working as the Chief Financial Officer of a junior college and reestab- lished their credit rating. Mutty would like to cash in his life insurance to invest in real estate, but needs Lieba’s approval to cancel the insurance policy. “Do you think I’m crazy?” Lieba explodes. “I’m not ready to lose our assets again on another get-rich-quick scheme!” “But, Lieba, this is different. I am not hiding anything from you. The real estate market is booming now. Trust me.” “How can I trust you? You kept me completely in the dark last time.” “I was different four years ago. Can’t you forgive me?” “You want me to forgive you? In the past four years, you have never once apologized.”

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 39 “O.K., Lieba, you’re right. I should Many people share Mutty’s misun- poor judgment in taking such a huge apologize for what happened. I’m sorry derstanding of asking for forgiveness, risk, his apology would have been more I got into that mess. But I was under a and their apologies are as ineffective as effective. More importantly, however, lost of pressure at the time. Could you Mutty’s was. Mutty should have included his deceiv- please forgive me now and let me cash For an apology to be effective, the fol- ing Lieba, violating her trust in him, in the insurance? This is a great oppor- lowing guidelines should be followed: as well. tunity now for both of us.” 1. Do Not End Any Apology With 3. Acknowledge the Damage. Even though Mutty was brought to “But….” A complete apology should include tears by her refusal, Lieba remained If you follow your apology with a a list of the damages that the victim suf- steadfast. long list of excuses, rationalizations or fered. It is not enough to say you were justifications – valid as they may be – at fault for going through the red light, III. WHAT WENT WRONG? you will severely water down its effec- for example. You must also mention to tiveness. the owner of the car you hit that you are hy was Lieba so unforgiving? Mutty included a “but” in his apolo- responsible for bending his fender and Where did Mutty go wrong? gy,inflaming Lieba’s anger at him. It sig- cracking his headlight. WAnd was there another way naled that he was more interested in If you do not realize on your own, Mutty could have apologized, which defending himself and escaping her wrath then by all means ask your spouse how might have been more effective? than he was in accepting responsibility for you hurt him or her. If you already Mutty did not understand that the the consequences of his behavior. know, however, then definitely inform purpose of any apology is to heal the 2. Acknowledge Your Wrongdoing. your spouse that you comprehend wound inflicted by the perpetrator on To be effective, your apology must exactly how (s)he was inconvenienced, the victim. The victim is emotionally include a statement of exactly what you insulted or worse. hurt, and is frightened that (s)he may are apologizing for. Saying only “I’m Mutty should have said, “I know I was be hurt again. The apology, therefore, is sorry” leaves it doubtful in your spouse’s responsible for our house and cars being supposed to provide the victim with mind as to what you are regretting. Are repossessed. I caused you and the children reassurance that the same injury will not you sorry you got caught? Are you sorry to be embarrassed and forced out of our be repeated. your spouse is angry at you? Or are you home. And I gave you good reason to be Mutty viewed an apology as a means sorry for what you did? distrustful of me for a long time after- to escape punishment or other negative Usually, a hurtful episode includes wards.” consequences of his misdeeds, and as a multiple statements and/or actions. 4. Acknowledge Your Spouse’s Feel- tactic to get Lieba to agree to release his Not all of them were equally offensive ings. life insurance policy for him to invest. to your spouse. You must, therefore, spell The purpose of your apology is to Failing to understand the purpose of an out exactly which statements and/or convince your spouse that you fully apology, he delivered his in a most inef- which actions you now regret. understand the gravity of your error. fective manner. Had Mutty apologized for using If you have any idea how your spouse felt about what you did or said, then mention it. This will communicate your full appreciation of the conse- quences of your actions. The purpose of your apology is to convince your spouse that you fully comprehend the severity of your offense. Clear reference to the negative feelings your words and/or deeds triggered in your spouse will increase the effectiveness of your apology. If you are not clear about how your spouse felt, then certainly ask. At least that way, you will demonstrate concern for his or her feelings. Mutty could have told Lieba that he understands now how shocked she had been. He could have acknowledged how disappointed and angry she must have felt towards him. Finally, he could have

40 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 indicated that he recognized how much IV. LABEL AND BLIMA Label’s invitation, adding that he would the financial debacle must have made like to speak, briefly, during the seuda her feel alienated and distant from him. ongstanding open wounds can be (meal) as well. Label took it as a mat- 5. Spell Out Your Resolution. healed. The healing, however, is ter of course that Blima would not object You are convinced that you will Lnot an event, but a process which to a short d’var Torah at the dinner. He never repeat the same mistake again. only begins with an effective apology. To was mistaken. But your spouse is not as certain about enable the reader to fully appreciate the “Speak twice? Is he serious?” Blima this as you are. To reassure him or her, dynamics of this healing process, I pres- was incredulous.“People want to social- disclose the steps you will take or have ent another in-depth case example: ize at a chassuna, not listen to speech- already taken to prevent a recurrence. Before Label and Blima got married, es. Once is pushing it. But twice is out If you have made a personal prom- they discussed every detail of their of the question.” ise to yourself, let your spouse know chassuna. Label, for example, wanted At Blima’s insistence, Label agreed to about it. If you have a plan that will pre- his Rabbi, who would officiate as go back to his Rabbi and ask if the din- vent you from making the same mistake mesader kiddushin,to address the cou- ner speech could be eliminated in def- again, spell it out. If you have resolved ple under the chupa, as was the min- erence to Blima. to handle similar circumstances in a hag in his family. Blima was not too “No speech at the seuda?” The Rabbi more constructive fashion in the future, thrilled about this, for her relatives and took umbrage.“It is our minhag to speak then, by all means, let your spouse in friends are not accustomed to this at the seuda.This is not a matter of on it. practice. As a concession to Label, how- kavod.It is a matter of principle.” Had Mutty decided that he would ever, she consented. Blima, however, would not give in. As make full financial disclosures to Lieba The Rabbi enthusiastically accepted the special day approached, Label in the future, or that he would never take high financial risks at all, shar- ing these commitments with Lieba would have gone a long way towards reassuring her that the previous catas- trophe would not be repeated. 6. Ask For Forgiveness. Only after you have completed steps 1-5 are you ready to say you are sorry and ask your spouse to pardon your wrongdoing. To seek absolution before you complete steps 1-5, makes it appear as if you are only seeking to avoid suffering any consequences. Your goal in apologizing should be to make restitution for your offense and to reassure your spouse that the mis- deed will not be repeated. For four years, Mutty never apolo- gized to Lieba for his misconduct. He did not acknowledge his error or the dam- age he caused. When, after four years he did ask Lieba to forgive him, the reason was transparently clear. He wanted Lieba to give him permission to cash in his life insurance policy. You might wonder whether it really mattered how Mutty worded his apol- ogy. After all, Lieba was so hurt by his deceit and high risk taking that no apol- ogy would have earned him a complete pardon. Nevertheless, it would have gone a long way toward healing the wound inflicted by his actions.

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 41 assumed it would all work out. He was reneged on an agreement we had made.” disturbed you so much. And I’m sorry wrong again. The Rabbi sent messages Label decided to avoid the issue it put such a damper on our wedding to Blima that she would be pleasantly entirely. In time, he reasoned, Blima for you. I know you had told me that you surprised with the brevity and warmth would let go of her resentment and for- were opposed to any speeches at wed- of his dinner speech. In the end, Blima get about the entire episode. And dings and you felt embarrassed to have relented. The Rabbi’s d’var Torah was indeed, she would have done well to take two. And I know that I had promised brief and extremely well received, but into account Label’s loyalty to his you that I would speak to the Rabbi Blima was left with a huge reservoir of Rabbi, and simply forget about the inci- about it before the chassuna.I did try resentment. She felt that Label did not dent. But that did not happen. to dissuade him from speaking at the live up to his commitment. Over time, whenever Label would dinner, but I was not successful. I real- After the chassuna, Label tried to mention the name of his Rabbi, Blima ize now that you were hurt by that. And minimize the incident. “We’re married expressed a disparaging remark. Four- you felt betrayed by me. I really am very now. That’s the main thing. Everyone teen months after they were married, sorry. I’m asking you not only to forgive had a wonderful time at our wedding.” Label felt he could no longer tolerate me, but also to tell me what I can do now This only poured salt on Blima’s Blima’s sniping comments whenever his that will demonstrate to you that I do wound.“So what if everyone had a won- Rabbi came up in conversation. realize how much I hurt you and that I derful time?” Blima shot back.“Not only Although he had pleaded with Blima to am determined not to hurt you again.” did you disregard my feelings, you also forgive him, he never succeeded in “For one thing,” Blima replied after receiving a full pardon from her. catching her breath, “you have just If he ever hoped to put this issue proven to me how sincerely sorry you CHEVRA OSEH CHESED behind them, I advised Label, he would are. I believe your remorse is genuine. have to offer an apology that covered all You don’t need to do anything to OF AGUDATH ISRAEL of the bases outlined above. Label was prove it. And secondly,… I accept your convinced that even a full apology apology.” BURIAL PLOTS would be useless. Once again, he was During the past year, to Label’s sur- wrong. prise, Blima has finally let go of her IN ERETZ YISROEL Label brought up the subject on his anger towards him and even dropped Interment in a Shomer Shabbos Beis own:“Blima, I want to apologize to you her resentment towards his Rabbi, Olam near Beis Shemesh for something.” demonstrating that wounds that festered “What did you do now?” for fourteen months can be healed if Please phone or write to: “It isn’t something recent. It took apologies are complete, sincere and non- Chevra Oseh Chesed of Agudath Israel place fourteen months ago.” defensive. 42 Broadway, New York, NY 10004 “What are you talking about?” Yes, Blima had been holding on too “Our chassuna and the fact that the long to her grudge and she certainly (212) 797-9000 Rabbi spoke at the seuda.I’m sorry it could have made life easier for Label by accepting one of his earlier apologies. But sometimes you need to apologize even when your spouse is making it dif- ficult for you.

* * *

s you approach the Yom Hadin this year, remember that to be Aabsolved for the sin of hurting others, you must ask whomever you hurt for forgiveness. You must apologize. A good place to start that teshuva process is at home with your spouse. Following the guidelines above can increase the chances that any apology you make will achieve your goal of appeasing your spouse and healing whatever wounds you may have inflicted. ■

42 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 RABBI NACHMAN BULMAN k’’mz A Page From the Book of His Life

One Year Since His Passing

Rabbi Nachman Bulman was a man no. He was doing so many things at of vast knowledge and extraordinary once, and he refused to focus exclusively passion, possessing a clear vision of on one item. Therefore, as a result, he truth, and a fierce dedication to it. was usually running late. These and other qualities of Reb Nach- man, founding editor of The Jew- e did not change when he ish Observer, were highlighted in sev- moved to Israel, in 1975. I met eral articles featured in the October him right after he had returned ’02 issue of JO. On the occasion of H here, on one of his visits to New York. his first yahrtzeit, we present several He was absolutely worn out, drained. I personal anecdotes by Rabbi asked him, “Why are you so tired?” Yechiel Perr, Rosh Yeshiva of He replied, “I was up the night Yeshivas Derech Ayson (of Far Rock- before.” away), who had enjoyed an especially I asked,“Didn’t you go to bed before close relationship with Rabbi Bulman. a trip like this?!” This is excerpted from a more “You don’t know what happened,”he extensive appreciation delivered sighed, and he told me what had taken last year. man: The Man Who Couldn’t Say No.” place in the previous twenty-four hours. often traveled by car with Rabbi Bul- At that time (close to 40 years ago), A young woman from Boston had man, and was amazed at how he Far Rockaway was blessed with a large gone to Paris to study art. There, in Paris, Iknew the roads of New York City, population of young people searching she met a non-Jewish artist. They keenly aware of every shortcut. We’d be for answers. Yeshiva She’ar Yashuv, for became close, and he proposed to her. stuck in a traffic jam with several thou- example, was a center for ba’alei teshu- She called her parents in Boston and told sand other cars on a highway leading to va.Ifsomeone was plagued with a them, “I met this fine fellow, and we’re the Midtown Tunnel. He would get off question at 2 a.m., he would not hes- thinking of getting married.” at the next exit and zoom down a side itate to call up Rabbi Bulman for guid- They replied, “Wonderful.” road while the others remained behind, ance. He wanted to come over and talk “Do you object to the fact that he’s sitting there on the highway. His com- with him, and Rabbi Bulman would not Jewish?” mand of the bypasses matched that of never say no. “No, we don’t,” they responded. the man in a traffic helicopter. After We would be on our way out of his “Why should we object?” marveling over this skill for years, I final- house to attend a meeting, and some- “I know that in both of your fami- ly figured out how he knew all these one with a nagging problem would call lies, the two of you are the only ones shortcuts. He was invariably late for his him on the telephone. He would imme- who married Jewish. Everyone else appointments. And since he was always diately pick up the phone. He could not married non-Jews. I thought that maybe late, he had to compensate with the go to a meeting if someone had a prob- because you married each other, you’d shortcuts. lem.He could not say no. mind if I’d marry out.” Why was he always late? Had I been His agenda was crowded, because Her parents hastened to ensure her asked to give him a title, I would have every need that people around him had that “it happens to be a coincidence that described him as “Rav Nachman Bul- become his need, and he could not say we married Jewish, and we’re not mind-

44 The Jewish Observer, September 2003 ful of the issue. You can marry whoev- immigration, she got into a conversation doorstep that evening. She spent sever- er you want as long as you love the per- with someone standing next to her. She al hours in discussion with him. Before son. If he’s a good person, what differ- confessed, “I know it’s a strange thing. he left for the U.S., she was already reg- ence does it make?” But I came here, and I can’t say exactly istered in a seminary for ba’alos teshuva. She had her parents’ approval to do why. I just felt I had to come. I’m not That’s what came from his inability something that she had expected would certain as to what I should do next.” to say “no.” ■ inspire resistance. Apparently, the Hash- The person alongside her said, “You gacha responded to her sincere ehrliche know what you should do? You should THE LEADER IN GLOBAL question – Should she marry a non-Jew? go see a person in Jerusalem. Bulman is CELLPHONE RENTALS – which opened the door for further his name, Rabbi Nachman Bulman. Go Torah explorations. From that little bit see him as soon as you can.” of Yiddishkeit came yet another thought: When they completed passport con- “Before I get married, before I make this trol, she got the telephone number from decision for life, I really should go to the party in line with her, and called him Israel. I’ve never been there.” This from the airport:“Rabbi Bulman, I came SATELLITE PHONES AVAILABLE thought entered her mind, and it did not to Israel, and I was told I have to see • Rental for over 150 countries let go. So she told her fiancé, “I don’t you.” • Nationwide delivery available want to decide just yet. I feel that I He said, “I’m sorry, but I’m leaving •Voice mail & text messaging should go to Israel first.” for America tomorrow.” • 24 hr. customer support Just as she had thought that she She pleaded,“Rabbi Bulman, please! • Call waiting • Caller ID should ask her parents before taking a I came to Israel, I guess, to see you. Oth- • Fax & data service precipitous step, she now decided that erwise, I don’t know why I came. • Itemized bill she should go to Israel and find out what Please, Rabbi Bulman, don’t say no.” other Jews are like. Off she went to Israel, So, characteristically, he said, “OK, with no clear idea of what she was going come over.” to do there. She arrived in Lod in the He gave her instructions as to how to afternoon, and while standing in line for reach him, and she arrived on his www.travelcell.com

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The Jewish Observer, September 2003 45 The Day the Lights Went Out

he lights went out at 4:11 p.m. on between man and nature, making one Living in a natural world makes the Cre- Thursday, August 14, and fifty mil- insensitive to the Creator’s constant pres- ator and His caring for our every need that Tlion people sweated, stumbled in ence and involvement in our lives. This much more imminent. the dark, got stranded in high-rise hit home when he was engaged in a A far cry from our contemporary buildings and subway trains, on top of lengthy conversation with an acquain- world, where – in our high-tech, world- ferris wheels and on unlit streets far away tance in the man’s office. Suddenly his sweeping sense of control of events and from home. Discomfort, uncertainty, pain, host pulled out his watch and com- occurrences – we have a sense of being enormous financial loss, and deep- mented, “We had better daven Mincha. impervious to the vagaries of nature. A seated fear played against one another, It’s getting late.” crop failure in the peach orchards of Geor- as the dynamo of America’s Northeast In contrast to the European shtetl gia? No problem. Peaches can be jolted to a stop. where Reb Yaakov was ever aware of the imported from New Zealand – even in We are told that while a storm in the afternoon’s lengthening shadows and the February, if you wish. Extremes of tem- Rockies, a revolt in Liberia, or a massacre approach of twilight, in this brightly- perature effect us only in our passage in Jakarta may sound remote, each event lit Manhattan office, he was unaware from our climate-controlled homes is in truth a message, and the message of the hour for Mincha slipping away. into similarly controlled vehicles, and is meant for us. How much more It could have been night, and he would then again, from car/train/bus to the immediate must the message be when have been oblivious to the dark outside. office. Distances between people and it is conveyed through an overwhelm- countries disappear through instant com- ing experience that shook up major pop- n simpler times, our comfort, well-being munication. Medical needs from pesky ulation areas in the Western world, home and focus of activity were directly tied illnesses to devastating plagues – some to millions of Jews. There may be peo- Ito the change of the seasons – espe- are neutralized and quickly cured; oth- ple who can divine the lessons to be cially in agrarian societies. No less the shifts ers must still wait for the ever-growing gleaned from Blackout of 2003. Until they in temperature and illumination around reach of scientific research and expert- — or he or she — share them with us, the clock. Exposure to the wonders, beau- ise. No, not yet controlled, but not out we offer several of our own. ty and bounty of nature, as well as the pain, of reach. suffering and desolation experienced from being deprived of nature’s gifts, served uddenly, at 4:11 Thursday, a 48th I. AS REB YAAKOV SAW IT to make us all the more aware of our floor in a Manhattan tower offers dependence on “Melech haolam, yotzer ohr Snot a commanding view, but a hum- When Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetzky k’’mz uvorei choshech oseh shalom uvoreh es hakol bling challenge. The oppressive heat of arrived in America, he had heard that – King of the universe, Who forms light the city’s streets is unavoidable, and the “the skyscrapers block out the heavens.” and creates darkness, makes peace and cre- miles between workplace and home were He had assumed that this expression was ates all” – as we say in our daily morn- to be counted shuffling one stride at a a description of the city landscape that ing prayer. And it inspires our gratitude time. Paying tribute to “Melelch ha’olam affords little exposure to nature. Later, to “Melech... hazon es ha’olam kulo betu- hameichin mitzadei gaver — King of the he appreciated it as a metaphor for the vo – the King... who nourishes the entire universe who prepares [and makes way in which all technology, as well as world in His goodness”— the words with firm] man’s footsteps” — part of the human achievements, form a barrier which we begin our Grace After Meals. morning’s blessings — is experienced not

The Jewish Observer, September 2003 51 just from the bedroom to the kitchen to sive Northeast? Whichever, one seem- Seemingly small, isolated acts and the garage, but again and again and again, ingly random jolt threw fifty million insignificant words reach the Heavens through agonizing repetition, from people into darkness and heat, with a and reverberate around the globe, rain- appreciation to prayer. And the need for legacy of discomfort, pain, and dis- ing down blessings or destruction in ways relief from the hot, unforgiving, dehy- orientation, and a tremendous blow to we cannot fathom. drating sun with a tongue-and-throat- the economy. Yes, they can make the world a wetting, thirst-quenching glass of Little things can make a big difference much better place: water... Ah,“Shehakol nihiyeh bid’varo — — not only through the unleashing of A man alone, sitting at his desk, por- all comes into existence through His natural and technological forces, but in ing over a difficult Tosafos;a minyan of word.” Will it ever again just be a mum- the realms of the spirit as well. And they Jews praying in earnest, listening care- bled, verbal crossing of the barrier can work for the positive, too, through fully to each word of the Chazoras between parched mouth and welcome the seemingly insignificant but truly potent HaShatz;a young woman in a hurry, stop- drink? Hopefully not. acts and words of every individual. ping to help a wandering old lady gain Yes, from anticipated need, through An empty moment during carpool from her bearings; an off-duty teacher stay- articulated blessing, to bonding with the home in Baltimore to the office in the Belt. ing in during lunch break to give guid- Creator. The illusion of man in control A passenger mutters to his companion how ance, friendship and comfort to a dis- of his circumstances and destiny is only ridiculously slow the baal tefilla was in shul couraged tenth grader who is being that — an illusion. Perhaps — just per- that morning. “Just because it’s Rosh scorned — or worse, ignored — by her haps — in the days ahead, one will rein- Chodesh and he’s up to Hallel, does that friends; a desperate father entrusting his force the deep sense of total dependen- make him Yossele Rosenblatt?” ailing child to a team of surgeons, and cy and intimate closeness with G-d A chance remark in an isolated set- then opening his Tehillim to pour out through daily repetition: making bless- ting. Yet Chazal say that, as a result, Galus his heart and his tears to the Chief of all ings, and articulating expressions of hope for Jews worldwide has just become a lot surgeons,“Rofei cholei amo Yisroel — Who and gratitude. longer and more painful. heals the sick of His people Israel.”The Puny,vulnerable man has the capac- The bell rings. Another meshulach at the cures, the blessings, the bounty come as ity to connect with the ultimate Source door – No. Another two meshulachim. Those a result. of Energy. poor fellows, shlepping through the hot And careless gestures and remarks deserted city, so far from home, thinks the can be destructive, beyond reckoning. II. WE ARE ALL CONNECTED man of the house. “Come in and sit down, For example, in his Introduction to the and have a drink. Then tell me what I can Sefer Chofetz Chaim, the Chofetz he lights went out in America’s do for you.” Chaim cites a quotation from the Zohar, Northeast — on a recent Thurs- An act of chessed that reverberates “A spirit rises from those who speak Tday. Was it terrorist violence? A around the globe, generating hope and lashon hara.When they provoke oth- tree that fell over power cables in Ohio? relief for far more than two dusty, tired ers with their speech... an evil, impure A weak link in the power grid of the mas- Jews. cloud is aroused above, called ‘Sich’- sucheh.’ It hovers over the tale-bearers... and causes death, sword, and violence in the world.”One might have dismissed this as poetic abstraction, mystical inti- mations... until a nuclear meltdown in Chernobyl caused death, and violent illness in far-flung corners of the earth with the destructive radioactiv- ity that rained down in Brussels, Kiev and points east. We may tend to gloss over the dynamic reach of potential spiritual forces. We then need to be reminded through physical, material or technological occurrences that can serve as compelling metaphors for the very real world of spir- itual cause and effect... The lamps flick- er and go out, and we begin to see the light. We have much to learn. N.W

52 The Jewish Observer, September 2003