ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 1

BILLY / HOPE BILLY Hi, Hope, how ya doin'? HOPE Hello, Billy... BILLY!!!!! BILLY You know you're beautiful when you're about to faint. HOPE (thrilled) Billy, I didn't know you were sailing! BILLY I didn't either. HOPE Then what are you doing here? BILLY Selling lifeboats. Hope, I stowed away to be with you. I couldn't let you go. And now I see that you're sailing with someone else. HOPE Billy, is that fair? BILLY Fair? I find you standing here in the moonlight with him. I didn't shoot him³I didn't push him overboard. I thought I was more than fair! HOPE You're being terribly bad, Billy. Why, we hardly know each other. BILLY Hardly know each other? HOPE We met one night at a party. We danced³ ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 2

BILLY ³Had a little wine« HOPE Had too much wine. Took a little spin around the park. BILLY You call five hours in the back of a taxi "a little spin?" END ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 3

BILLY / RENO BILLY Reno! Oh, my God! We had a date... RENO 7KDW·s O.K. I'd say forget it, but you already did. BILLY Reno, I'm sorry. My boss is going to London in the morning. I had to do a thousand things for him. RENO I'm going to London in the morning. All you had to do for me was buy me a drink. Why don't you just admit you're nuts about me. In fact, I've got a great idea. Why don't you come to London with me? BILLY Reno... RENO We'll do the town up right. Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, the bushes in Hyde Park. BILLY Reno, be serious. Guys like me are a dime a dozen. You won't miss me over there. RENO Why are the cute ones always so dumb? BILLY Reno, I'm in love. RENO I'm in cabin thirteen. Meet me right after we sail. BILLY Not with you. I'm in love with a girl. God, she's fantastic! She's so fantastic she won't even talk to me! ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 4

RENO Oh, so that's it, eh? All this time you were just giving me the run- around. BILLY How could you think that? I always treated you with respect. RENO Exactly! Did you ever try to get me drunk? No. Did you ever ask me up to your apartment to look at your etchings? No. We've been in a taxi dozens of times, and not one lousy grope. I'm not used to being treated like that! END ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 5

MOON / MINISTER MINISTER A fellow cleric! Are you on your way to the conference? MOON Actually, I thought I'd go to bed early tonight. MINISTER I mean the Westminster Conference. MOON No. You see, I'm not a West Minister³I'm really more in the East. MINISTER What is your field, Doctor? MOON Why I'm sort of a³kind of a³missionary. MINISTER Missionary! Where? MOON Way out in China. MINISTER I've served in China for years! MOON Well, I wasn't exctly in China³you see I was more« MINISTER Oh, I see³you were in Indo China. MOON That's it, I was in Indoor China. And you were in³ MOON & MINISTER Outdoor China! ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 6

MINISTER We'll have lots to talk about. (speaking in Chineese) Hung dung pling ding wing ding ching ding ding. MOON I don't know, but I think it's downstairs. END ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 7

EVELYN / RENO EVELYN Come in. I hope it's good and hot. RENO Nobody's complained yet. EVELYN Dear me! RENO You know, Evie, this is one American that certainly feels gaga about you. EVELYN Gaga? I'm not sure I follow. RENO I mean you send me. EVELYN Send you where? RENO One look at you and I get hot pants. EVELYN Dear me, 'would a bit of ice do any good? RENO Evie, "hot pants" means that I'm crazy about you. EVELYN "Hot pants" means that you're crazy about me?! Smashing! Because I think you're the rat's pyjamas! The absolute flea's knees! RENO I can't go through with it, you're too cute. ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 8

EVELYN Go through with what? RENO Evie, there's something I've got to tell you. I was going to set you up. EVELYN Set-me-up? RENO We were going to frame you. EVELYN Frame me? RENO Someone was supposed to bust in and catch us in a clinch. EVELYN

WHITNEY / MRS. HARCOURT WHITNEY Egad! Evangeline Harcourt! ("Growls" like a dog) MRS. HARCOURT Elisha Whitney! Eli, you haven't changed in forty years! WHITNEY Me! Look at you! You always did know how to fill a girdle! Listen, Evangeline, I just had a swell idea! I'm going to be all alone in my cabin, and you're going to be all alone in your cabin³at least I hope you are³ heh, heh... MRS. HARCOURT Eli, really! You might have some respect for the memory of my late husband. Look at the time. It's quite late. WHITNEY Who cares what time it is, my turtle dove? I think of you and time stands still. Your face alone would stop a clock. MRS. HARCOURT I shall retire to my cabin³alone! WHITNEY Yes, of course... You know, if it's any consolation, I was just coming out of the Stock Exchange when he took off from that ledge. He jumped like a Yale man. END ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 10

ERMA / MOON ERMA Pssssssssst! Moonie! The coast is clear. MOON Are we in England yet? ERMA Where's Snake Eyes? He hasn't showed. MOON Would you keep it down?! We're trying to make a getaway here! ERMA Right. MOON Where d'ya think you're goin'? ERMA The boiler room³to see if I can fmd a sailor to show me the finer points of stoking. MOON You're not goin' anywhere. With your big mouth, you could land us both in Sing-Sing. It would be quite a feather in their cap to capture me. ERMA Oh, sure. Public Enemy Thirteen³help police! MOON Sit down, we're gonna play cards. ERMA I don't wanna play cards! MOON Go on, will ya? It's your turn! ANYTHING GOES: Audition Scenes 11

ERMA All right. .. Got any fours? MOON Go fish! END