FREE 26/10/00 Issue no: 991

International Greensoc Life After News The Womb p2 p6 p19 p7-18 SURREY GRADUATE WITH LEUKAEMIA NEEDS DONOR

SURREY GRADUATE WITHrare bone marrow disease whichdone through just a small blood LEUKAEMIA NEEDS DONOR -left his immune system unable totest, but if you were found to be a can you help? fight infection. Sadly, no matchingdonor match for someone, then it Bhupinder (Bu) Nanua-Barnes,donor was ever found for Anthonywould be a relatively straightfor- and he died in 1979 aged justward procedure causing minimal a University of Surrey gradu- ate, is suffering fromseven, but 1,000s of people happydiscomfort. All bone marrow also Leukaemia and chemotherapyand well throughout the worldregenerates in the body so any- today owe their lives to Shirley’sthing donated will be completely has not yet been successful. Her only option now is for atireless work and the Trust nowreplaced and it is said that typical- holds one of the largest databasesly a donor will just feel tiredness Bone Marrow Transplant once a matching donor can be foundof unrelated donors in the worldand a little soreness in the lower and has links with many others setback. Unsurprisingly, most donors but unfortunately, none of her family match as a possibleup worldwide. find this a tiny price to pay for the feeling generated in the knowl- donor and now her only hope is In Bhupinder’s case, an Asianedge that they are saving a life. to appeal to the nation inDonor is most likely to be a match search of an unrelated match- I’ll hold my hands up now and say as tissue types are inherited ing bone marrow donor. genetic characteristics.that being a bone marrow donor is one of those things that has some- Bu and her husband both graduat-Unfortunately, of the 300,000 To find out how to join the registerThursday & Friday before that (9th potential donors listed on thetimes been the back of my mind as ed from the University of Surrey in a good thing that I could do, yet Ior for more information about what& 10th Nov). If you do consider Biochemistry 1995, they were nor-Anthony Nolan Bone Marrow it involves you can call the Anthonyjoining the Anthony Nolan register Register, less than 1.5% of volun-never looked to find out what it mal students just like you or me. would really involve or got aroundNolan Bone Marrow Trust hotlinethen they will be able take the teers are Asian, and the figures After graduating, Bu went on to to doing anything about it. It’s oneon 0901 88 22 234 or visit the webblood sample then and there, all work in the Careers Service onare much lower for many other eth- site at www.anthonynolan.org.ukyou have to do is ask them when nic groups. This means that theof those things that just got put to campus for a year and since then one side with the usual “it’ll neverjoin the register; Male volunteersyou turn up as long as it is your she has been working as a Clinicalpool of people which may be real- and those from ethnic minoritiessecond blood donation (this is due istically searched for donors is dra-happen to me” frame of mind. Research Associate. Meanwhile, Well, I met Bu last week and all Ineed be to be aged between 18-43purely to the demand the blood her husband was doing a PhD inmatically reduced, making it much and Women must be aged 18-40.service say they can cope with and more difficult to find donors forcan say is that she was a really Biochemistry here at Surrey until lovely young lady, and it brought itAll eligible volunteers, in gooddoes not affect your eligibility to last autumn. patients, like Bu, who are of non- health, are urged to come forwardjoin the register!). white UK origin.The Asian Boneall so close to home with a resounding thump of compassion.as soon as possible to join the reg- Marrow Crisis holds a website Founded in 1974, The Anthony This sort of thing happens to peo-ister, you might just save a life oneWhether you consider joining the Nolan Bone Marrow Trust waswhich has information specifically day. The Anthony Nolan Trustdonor register or not, If anyone for the Asian communityple everyday, and I am personally established as the first Register of moved by the fact that somethingdoes however have a particularwould be able to help carry out an volunteers willing to donate bonehttp://www.ckumar.freeserve.co.uk need to recruit more male, ethnicawareness campaign to remember / so horribly real is so easily marrow in circumstances where a ignored. Hopefully some of you willminority and mixed race volun-then please contact me the match cannot be found within a teers. Students’ Union, I need all the help Some people may often be put offread this and be motivated into patient’s family. It was established perhaps considering joining the I can get! You can email on: due to the hope and determinationthe idea as they mentally associ- Finally, the National Blood [email protected] or phone ate donating Bone Marrow to be aregister or even helping raise of Shirley Nolan in an attempt to awareness for her and anyone inis coming to this university onon tel: 01483 879228, ext. 81-9228 save the life of her son, Anthony; along and painful process, in reality Wednesday 15 and Thursday 16th however it is a relatively simplethe same situation. little boy born in 1971 suffering a November, Appointments will beSusie Westwell procedure. Joining the register is made in the students Union on theVP Education & Welfare UniS: School Of Chemical Warfare

The university is taking part in an initiative toless advanced nations to enforce the limita-Week 2 consists of industrial briefings. In theCosta Rica, Nigeria and Indonesia. recruit and train new chemical weaponstion and destruction of chemical weapons infinal week the participants must manage a inspectors from developing countries.140 participating countries around the world. simulated chemical plant and company. It isSheila Veefkind-Reyes, an inorganic chemist Twelve chemical engineers from overseas all intended to integrate academic, technicalsaid: "I have always done lonely research in have just completed a stint at Surrey to bringAs such people do not get suitable experi-and transferable skills. a laboratory before so I haven't had the them up to speed on Western technologyence in their place of origin, OPCW has cre- experience of working as part of a team or and practices. ated a 13-week foundation course. 3 ofThe tutees have come from a wide range ofseeing how a chemical plant operates". these weeks are spent at Surrey with Drscountries and backgrounds. Academics and The Organisation for the Prohibition ofDavid Faraday and Ron Schulz from theindustry experience has brought them from Chemical Weapons (OPCW) based in TheDepartment of Chemical & ProcessBenin, Cuba, Panama, Yugoslavia, Latvia, continued on page 3 Hague needs more representatives fromEngineering. Week 1 is skills training andVietnam, Bangladesh, Venezuela, Malawi,

[email protected] News 1-3n Features 4-6, n Barearts 7 - 18n Lifestyle 20 n Sport 22-23 2 News 26/10/00 Editorial please keep them coming. Without your contributions barefacts would be nothing.

Wooahh, this week barefacts is a stonking 24 pageKevin Marston Editorial Team issue, which has caused the barefacts team to haveEditor Editorr Kevin Marston a) writers cramp b) a temporary headahe c) an overpowering sense of joy Deputy Editorr Luke Hickey ...while the barefacts production team, Luke, Andy and I have suffered Production Editorr Andrew Thomas a) from a lack of sleep b) computer problems News Team c) ‘thank God thats over and done with’ syndrome James Buller But thanks to all the contributors this week and Features Editorr Vacant

Music Editorr Owen Hazelby

Arts Editorr ChrisMorton

Sports Editorr Dave Chapman Breakthrough in North Korea scale killings in Kosovo last year. The admission has come in contrast to the former President Marketing Team An announcement has been made by the UnitedSlobodan Milosevic, who continually insisted that Vacant State's Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright, thatthe West were to blame for stirring up the conflicts. North Korean leader Kim Jong-il is prepared, in Contributors principle, to halt his country's long-range missileIn an interview for US network CBS news; Ali Danby testing programme. The announcement was madeKostunica said, "I am ready to … accept the guilt Ellen van Keulen at the end of an historic two-day set of talks;for all those people who have been killed … for Dave Abbott Albright is the most senior US official to ever visitwhat Milosevic had done, and as a Serb, I will take Susie Westwell the communist state. In return for proposing endingresponsibility for many of these crimes." Chops the controversial testing programme, the US have Libby Hurt spoken about the possibility of them helping North Gisela Böhnisch Korea develop its own satallite launch capacity. Threat in the Gulf Tom Sugarman Caroline Thorpe Albright reported that Jong-il told her that theA United State's official has said, "Some of our Melanie Wilberforce launch of the Taepodong 2 missile in 1998 wouldforces have been put on a very high state of alert Andrew Gale be the country's 'first and the last'. The launch spo-in response to specific threats." This came two Greensoc ken of was a surprise test, which took place overweeks after an apparent terrorist attack on the Chops Japan and raised fears that North Korea was ablenavy ship USS Cole, based in Yemen. Some MWC to strike into nearby countries. However, the Northreports have suggested that Saudi exile Ossama & Dr Russ Koreans always claimed that they were performingbin Laden may be behind the threats, he is a pos- tests to see if they were ready to launch a domes-sible suspect of a previous bomb attack on a US tic satellite. When pushed on overall diplomaticnavy ship, where 17 sailors were killed and more barefacts relations between the US and North Korea, Albrightthan 30 injured. Union House, University Of Surrey said, "The road to fully normal relations remained Guildford, Surrey, GU2 7XH uphill." New Temporary England Manager Tel: 01483 879275 Fax: 01483 534749 Election Turmoil in The Ivory Coast Leicester City manager Peter Taylor and email: [email protected] Manchester United assistant manager Steve It has been announced by the Ivory Coast's InteriorMcLaren have been appointed as temporary part- Deadline for Publication Minister that the military ruler, General Robert Gueitime manager and assistant manager for the next Monday 12pm is the new president after having won the electionsEngland football match, against Italy in Turin, in last Sunday. It was also announced that the elec-November. Both managers will perform their cur- toral commission, which had put Guei's main oppo-rent tasks for their clubs, only being released for Submissions nent, Laurent Gbagdo, has been dissolved.the international. preferably on disk / email in Word 6.0 Format,Gbagdo then promptly told a news conference, Text in Arial, size 9 font "From this moment on, I am the head of the stateMeanwhile, the Football Association has of Ivory Coast" and called on his followers to takeannounced that they have a shortlist of three barefactsis an editorially independent newspaper, published by the University of Surrey Students' Union Communications Office. to the streets in support. Within hours, thousandspotential permanent managers but is refusing to be The views expressed within the paper are those of individual authors, and do not necessarily of people were demonstrating in the capital,drawn on its content. However, it is widely believed represent the views of the Editor, the Editorial Board, the University of Surrey Students' Union Abidjan. to contain the names of Arsene Wenger of Arsenal, or the University of Surrey. Sven Goran Eriksson of Lazio and Roy Hodgson, This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without the express permission formerly of Blackburn. of the publisher. The electoral commission stopped announcing on Monday when soldiers surrounded its headquar- All submissions must include the author's name and Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee of publication. Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. ters, after Guei accused his opponents of a 'mas- barefactsreserves the right to edit submissions. sive fraud' in rigging the elections. Guei came to Heath to Stand Down Printed by power in a coup last December and had promised East End Offset (TU), Bow, London, E3 3LT to respect the results of the elections. However,The ‘Father of the House of Commons’ Sir Edward © USSU Communications Office 2000 before they began, Guei had already gained aHeath, is to retire from the Commons at the next Supreme Court ruling that banned some of hiselections after over 50 years as member of parli- main opponents including former Prime Ministerment for Bexley and Old Sidcup. Sir Edward, is cur- Alassene Owattara, from taking part. France, for-rently the longest serving MP and was Prime mer colonial power of the Ivory Coast, has warnedMinister between 1970 and 1974. the military against ignoring the electorate's wish- es. Current Prime Minister Tony Blair has led the trib- utes, saying: “Sir Edward has made an outstanding contribution to British political life both through his Serbian Apology service as an MP and as Prime Minister”. Conservative leader William Hague said that Sir The new president of Yugoslavia, VojislavEdwards retirment would ‘leave a gap that no-one Kostunica, has become the first Yugoslav leader tocan fill. He will be suceeded as ‘Father of the accept responsibility and express regret for anyHouse’, subject to re-election, by long serving conflict in the Balkans, by admitting that theLabour MP Tam Dalyell. Serbian army and police force carried out large- by Luke Hickey 26/10/00 News & Emails 3 ...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief...News In Brief... from page 1 go towards replacing the entire train fleet. Allness of the whole air campaign as 'at best of the slam-door rolling stock will be gone bymarginal'. "The strikes against fielded forcesMartin was the bookies favourite for the job. Convenor Dr Faraday commented: "The2004." "We will then be spending a lot ofin Kosovo failed in their declared primaryHe beat off 11 challengers before the final course is going better than expected. All themoney on improving the rest of the stockobjective of averting a humanitarian disas-vote of confidence. With 370 favourable participants have engaged on it very enthu-with facilities such as air conditioning." "Halfter," it said. "This lesson must be learned".votes and only eight against he became the siastically" of the money will go towards track and sig- 156th person to take to position. nalling to grow the capacity and improveThe cross party group of MP's went on to Five more weeks of the course are still to gosafety and reliability." criticise the ruling out of using Nato's ground including placements at chemical plants and forces as a "serious error of judgement". Running On Empty a wrap up session in the Netherlands. Govia promised upgrades for the lines toThey felt political leaders were "confused" Brighton and Chichester. They also predict aand hence "hamstrung" the alliance's influ- A car that claims to run purely on air is has 70% rise in punctuality by 2005 - nine out ofence upon Serbia. been announced. e.Volution will be unveiled 10 trains being on time. The contract will last Ex-Connex in South Africa this week and models could for 20 years to encourage more long-termHoping to discourage similar action by Natobe gracing the roads of France soon. investment than was previously possible.in the future they conclude: "Kosovo has, Train operator Connex has been partly fortunately, dispelled the illusion that Nato is stripped of its franchise due to poor per- Not much is yet known about the inner work- As Govia also owns Thames Trains andan instrument that can readily be used in aings of the prototype car, designed by formance. Thames Trains will take over run-Thameslink the deal makes it the largestprecise and discriminating way to support ning of Connex services in Surrey and Formula 1 racing engineer Guy Negre. It will company running trains into and arounddiplomacy." "Military conflict, it reminded us,be displayed at Auto Africa Expo 2000 Sussex. London. The government hopes to improveis messy, dangerous and not wholly pre- under the slogan "Simple, Economic and the infrastructure of the railways by reducingdictable." "Politicians will, we hope, face upClean". The government cited a lack of punctualitythe number of companies involved. to some of its less palatable lessons." and failure to upgrade rolling stock as rea- The engine's pistons are said to work by sons for terminating Connex's seven-year The Minister for the Armed Forces acceded contract after just four years. Thames Trains releases of compressed air, stored in tank UK's Kosovo Effort Condemned that there were points to consider. Howeverreminiscent of scuba gear. As such the were named as successors, having pledged Mr Spellar insisted: "We must not let this £1.5 billion investment in to services. The engine takes up just 5% of the car's 700kg British forces played a disappointing role inovershadow the fact that our objectivestotal weight. When plugged in to electricity announcement was made to the ShadowNato's Kosovo war, according to awere achieved...The departure of Strategic Rail Authority (SSRA) on Tuesday the air tanks can fill themselves up in just 4 Commons report this week. The DefenceMilosevic's troops from Kosovo, the return of morning. hours using an integral compressor. The Select Committee said the UK's air forcesKosovar Albanians and now the rejection ofmakers say though that a stop at a proper Milosevic's dictatorship by the people of flew a tiny proportion of total sorties and that 'air station' could take just 3 minutes. Currently one fifth of Connex's trains runthey had little effect. Serbia has shown that Nato's approach was late. The carriages are also outdated and in right," he concluded. need of replacement. A spokeswoman said Usage statistics are still theoretical but do Nato tried bombing Serbian troops to stop predict 10 hours of driving at an average that Connex had promised plans and levelsthem committing atrocities against Kosovo's of investment similar to those of Thames speed of 50mph, at a cost of just 90pence. ethnic, Albanian civilians. Britain's planes New Commons Speaker ChosenThe mini people carrier type vehicles are Trains. They were therefore "very disap-contributed mainly by dropping unguided pointed" to lose the south central franchise. also expected to cost a very competitive 1,000lb cluster bombs. Connex and its French owners Vivendi will Labour MP Michael Martin has been elected£7,000 as the new Speaker of the House of continue to operate trains in the southeastThe report says these operations "of limited sector of the rail network. Commons. After an extended processIf e.Volution really works and can challenge military value and questionable legitimacy"Martin replaced the much-loved Bettycars using conventional fuels, it could revo- made up just 5% of the Nato campaign. Govia of the Go-Ahead Group owns Boothroyd as chair of parliamentarylutionise the international car market. The They were only confirmed as successful in adebates. first examples are due out of two French fac- Thames Trains. While it will not take over"distressingly low" 2% of cases. It continued: until next year, managing director Keith tories later this year. South African versions "The lack of all-weather capability to deliverPrime Minister Tony Blair praised thewill follow in 2002. Eight more production Ludeman has outlined his company'sprecision-guided weapons from the air improvement plans. "My initial message to Glasgow MP's "inherent sense of fairness"lines are slated for Mexico, Spain and severely compromised the RAF's and theand "good humour and gentle style of per-Australia. The ventures are being run as people who use the service is to be patient.Royal Navy's effectiveness." Another "major We have some detailed and imaginative suasion". In response Mr Martin said: "Iseparate franchises, giving boosts to local shortcoming" was the absence of a securethank the House for its confidence in me. Ipeople and companies. plans to transform those services... we arecommunications system, it goes on. keen to get on with it," he told BBC pray I will prove worthy of that confidence Breakfast News. "Half of the investment will and all of us will maintain the high tradition by James Buller The committee also described the effective-of this place."

Your Emails

Please send your emails to [email protected] To: barefacts To: barefacts From: Tristan O’Dwyer From: Jamie Innes Subject: Union Security Subject: Union Cc: Cc: Dear barefacts simply want to express authority. They seem powerDear Barefacts ting the time available for cheap hungry. I would like to suggest that each member of pints by opening later. In fact, I It seems there is a problem in our Union with the security has a number printed on his/her t-shirt, as 22ndOctober seem to remember that in previ- behaviour of some of the Security staff. This is happens in most venues. This would make them ous years, the Union opened at something that was confirmed by their actions lastmore easily identifiable to students who wish to Firstly I would like to say that I roughly 8 o’clock on a Friday Friday night (20/10/00). complain, and would perhaps encourage them to actwelcome the £1 per pint of evening. more responsibly. It would also help distinguish Carling offer in the Union. In fact, On two occasions I saw people get thrown out for lit-between those who are a problem, and those that I was so happy at being able to I am also curious as to why the tle or no good reason. Neither of the students had do a good job. I would like to stress that I do appre-buy it so cheaply that I decided toUnion bars are not open all day been causing trouble, or were acting dangerously.ciate that there is a need for Security, and that therego to the Union at 9pm last Fridayevery day, which again used to be Security seriously overreacted to both situations. ARE some members of security who do a good job,to take full advantage. the case in years gone by. Are and treat students with respect. No doubt these not both of these points an Earlier in the night a group of girls who were sittingmembers get more respect in return. My friends and I were met at theattempt by the Union to force stu- on the floor at the edge of the HRB dancefloor door by Security, who seemed todents to go to Chancellor’s and (which was empty at this point. It was early in the Finally I’d just like to refelct on what a member of think the time was 8.50 p.m., andspend £2 for a pint (or at the very night), were ordered, for no apparent reason, to security told me. He said “it’s always going to be a admission would not be allowedleast stop students taking full stand up. One girl refused, and was grabbed by the“them & us” situation”. Well perhaps if security until 9.00 p.m. After we pointedadvantage of the special offer)? arm and pulled up. Surely if these girls had been cleaned up their act it wouldn’t need to be that way.out that the time was, in fact, 9 treated with respect, and asked POLITELY to stand o’clock exactly, we were told theYours sincerely up, there wouldn’t have been a problem. Yours sincerely doors would not be open until 9.15 or 9.30. Now that the UnionJamie Innes. Behaviour like this is totally inappropriate, and Tristan O’Dwyer has cheaper prices for Carling, I shows that there are elements within security who Final Year Physics. do not think they should be cut- Drag &Fetish Feature 4 26/10/00 London Fetish Fair Union Fashion Well every first Sunday of the month theOther stalls looked to the darker, lessFashion Feature: Drag And Fetishrefuse to leave the house until you are sure London Fetish Fair (LFF) is held from 11amknown side with a veritable selection ofDisco that you will arrive at the Union well after to 5pm. Coming up in November it’s in awhips, chains and other toys (Why is it the cheap drinks promotion has finished for new location but still likely to be a great turnalways me to get the free trials? - Missie),With the Drag And Fetish Disco (DAFD) justthe night. out, so if you’re bored on November 5thandjewelry and footwear were also widely avail-a day away, we thought we would give you want to have a day out in London with aable. a few last minute suggestions to help youWhen getting dressed, remember that you twist try visiting the LFF. You can still be enjoy your sick twisted perversions to theain’t gonna feel like a proper woman unless back in time for any fireworks party andSo, is it as dark, gloomy, and scary as itfullest. If you haven’t planned your outfit yetyou’ve got correct the assets. Rolled up your Monday morning lectures if you can beseems? NO, we tell you, NO! The people then don’t worry, it’s still not too late tosocks can look effective, but balloons are bothered to get up. So what is it all about?there are so friendly, everyone there is there knock them dead. more traditional. Money spent on your Well why don’t we just give you a littlefor a laugh and although you do see the odd boobs is rarely wasted, so you may like to review of October’s fair and let you make upcollar and leash the people are just out to Choose your character invest in some flesh-coloured balloons, your own minds... shop and have fun. Get a drink at the bar, available from The Party Shop (near if you can find it, and wander! Our opinion? It’s clear from past DAFDs that many ofSainsbury’s rear entrance). You will be On a dark dark day, in a dark dark place,Well it was great! No reason to be shythose who choose the fetish option havedelighted to find your boobs getting wearing dark dark clothes, OH sorry, it was(unless you want to be), no pressure to not had to buy anything especially for thesqueezed aplenty at the disco, and it’s wet outside and we were on a tube and“dress accordingly” and you do not even disco. In fact, some of the outfits clearlyalways prudent to keep a spare in your going “gothic”. Anyhow, London mmmm,have to be into taking your partner and could not be purchased legally in Britainhandbag in case some rough brute should diverse place, especially at “Smithys” justspanking them! You just have to be open and must have come by mail order from thepop one. It’s very peculiar getting your off Pentonville Rd. The monthly fetish fairminded and the £3 entry fee will be wellmanufacturers in Amsterdam. We feel weboobs squeezed but not feel any sensation, hit London, not sure but we think Londonworth it. can’t help you sickos any further..... so theand it seems rude not to show any sort of ran away screaming! rest of this article is devoted to those menappreciation. Just to be polite, make sure Upon arrival two very dodgy (in the nicestSo where have they moved it to Mental? who want to use the DAFD to investigatethey’re kept pert by sellotaping ratisins to possible sense) men gave us freebies(Missie goes and hides away laughing their femininity. the front. stuffed into brown paper envelopes. Afterwickedly and Mental looks up grinning) Missie got worried thinking she was going toWell it’s now in a nice place called “The First, you need to decide on what characterBless their cotton socks for trying but, when have to ask questions at the next YoungDrome” on Weston Street, London Bridge,you are going to be. Sure, you could justapplying make up, men have a tendency to Conservatives Conference we realised (A)London SE1 a nice new location just down dress up in your girlfriend’s underwear, butoverdo it. Don’t get carried away - you don’t she’s Labour, and (B) no money. Once inthe road from the London Dungeons.that’s not terribly novel. You could do thatwant people to think you are a tart, do you? the pub the fight began to even get to theFollow the signs for London Dungeon from any night of the week, and you probably do.Remember the golden rule: less is more. first stall, however, much as it was a cultureLondon Bridge Station (or Tube), Weston No, what you need is a theme. This applies not just to the warpaint but to shock it was certainly an eye opener! TheStreet, it’s a tunnel, is the second on the underwear and backsides, too. When it stalls were as diverse as any definition ofright after London Dungeon. Look for the There are a number of basic varieties ofcomes to make up, it’s always best to trust the “fetish scene” can be, though sadly lack-entrance into the Drome halfway down the women you can go for. The first flavour, anda woman to do it, even if this goes against ing in the foot fetish and American Footballstreet. For a map try looking it up on the netby far the most popular, is The Tart. Largeyour instinct. A word of warning, though: players fetish - we know you love them real-at http;//www.streetmap.co.uk or take a boobs, exposed underwear, and heavythey generally neglect to mention that you ly. BUT the fair included a good range ofgander at the LFF website atmake up are essential for this character.need this stuff called ‘make-up remover’ to clothing (in materials such as pvc, rubberhttp://www.lff.nixnet.co.uk the Drome has a Nurses outfits and school uniforms arede-cake your face before going to work the and leather amongst others) including700 person capacity so don’t worry aboutobvious things to wear. Another major cate-next day. maids outfits, clubwear, and gothic dress.getting in! by Mental and Missie gory is The Demure Girl. Long dresses, freckles, and a shy demeanour are the keyBehaving in a lady like manner ingredients of the demure types. The last With Fudge it won’t budge!!! variety is the Comical Character. Here youYou might have the stockings, the boobs, can go as a pregnant woman, an old scrub-and the looks, but you are going to have to ber, a librarian, or something similar. modify your manners if you want to be a real lady. Here are a few tips. Firstly, keep Once you’ve chosen your character, whereyour legs together when you sit down, and HAIRTEC NEVER cross them. Secondly, don’t whistle do you get your outfit? It’s best to borrow as much as you can, but many women quite- only dustmen whistle. Thirdly, whenever a 24 Madrid Road rightly don’t like the idea of a sweaty oikman is talking to you, flutter your eyelids parading around in their clothes. The bestand laugh at all of his jokes. If the conver- (01483) 440414 option is to hit the charity shops, but wesation should turn to football or cars, quick- would advise against purchasing under-ly change the subject by saying something wear there. There aren’t many charitylike “Can we talk about shopping or puppies shops left in Guildford, and the Phyllisinstead, please?” Fourthly, always be cour- Tuckwell in Phoenix Court (nearteous to other women. Say nice things like, Reduced Woolworths, Photo Optix, and Cafenet) is“Oh, that is a lovelydress, and I love your the best. They even have a cheap basket ofhair, you mustgive me the number for your prices for fancy dress clothes. Another good shop ishairdresser!”. When they have gone, say: the one down Jeffrey’s Passage. The only“Cheap tramp - she looks like she’s been others we know of are Oxfam (near thedragged through a hedge backwards. And I Students King’s Head and The Star) and another onesaw that dress on C&A’s reduced rail”. near MacDonald’s (opposite Blockbuster). Both of these are quite expensive, though.Mandy Gale & Tanya Ede Tuesday’s - Woking has a great charity shop opposite the entrance to the train station.

Friday’s Some sort of hair accessories always look good, so give Claire’s (on the High Street) inclusive or Essentials (North Street) a try. If you are going to shell out on a wig then The Party Shop at the rear of Sainsbury’s and The Non-Stop Party Shop by TGI Friday’s should have some.

Preparing for your big night

You have to get in the mindset of a woman to make the most of the night. To achieve Lloyds this, start showering at 6pm, and take an Chemist amount of time is proportional to the num- ber of times that people hammer on the door and tell you to hurry up. If anyone Madrid should shout at you during this time, start The Astolat crying and refuse to leave until you have completed an extensive sulk. Just as you Road are about to leave, ask your partner if what you are wearing looks OK. Disregard their Apollo answer and say “I look fat, don’t I?”. xNewsagent Proceed in this paranoid manner and 26/10/00 Features 5 The USSU Review: Progress Report The USSU Review: Progress Report East Regional Officer. This initial meetingdate of forthcoming meetings via email. If set out the expectations and aspirations ofyou have not yet signed up but would still It has been a very successful two weeks forthose involved and allowed the NUS Rep,like to do so then please send an email Focus Group USSU regarding the strategic review andfrom experience of other Students’ Unions,marked ‘Review Participation’ to Timetable reorganisation process that was announcedto offer possible ideas and suggest [email protected] and your details at Student Council on the 10thOct. As hopedprocesses that might be involved in reachingwill be added to the contact list. the process is moving quickly and during thethe Working Party’s targets. This initial Friday 27th October past few days a Temporary Manager (Bobmeeting was also used to set topics for theA more detailed account of the Working Alcohol Range Anderson) has been appointed into thefirst stage of Focus Groups and it is hopedParty will be available on the USSU Website Union. Mr Anderson has a strong commer-that the student representatives of the work-as soon as possible. For more information Focus Group cial background with extensive knowledgeing party will lead these. The first Focusregarding any aspect of the review or the Helyn Rose Bar@5pm of NUSSL (NUS Services Ltd) and will act,Groups scheduled to meet (see table forUnion in general please do not hesitate in not only as a day-to-day manager and stafftimes and locations) will be discussing: contacting any member of the Sabbatical support, but also initially as an independent Team. Thanks for your support. Wednesday 1st November consultant figure charged with investigating Products sold behind the bars the problematic areas faced by the Union Facilities and Services on Offer Facilities & Services Club (Commercial part of the USSU). Mr Events and the processes involved in Focus Group Anderson will feed information back into the selecting them. Working Party and relevant focus groups Helyn Rose Bar@3pm and thus help to achieve and implement short and long-term goals. The Working Party agreed that in order for a Focus Group to be effective it should consist Friday 3rd November The review Working Party, met for the firstof no more than 20 people. We will therefore Entertainments & Events time also this week. The group comprised,be operating a first come first served sys- Focus Group the six Union Sabbatical Officers, three stu-tem. All those students who have expressed dent representatives (although due to illnessan interest in being involved with the review Helyn Rose Bar@5pm only two were present) and the NUS Southin any shape or form are being kept up to Your Shout

You’ve heard of the one-armed man, well, last week on campus you might have spotted what looked like a strange one-footed girl. The pathetic, hobbling specimen was a poor, partly disable student with a very sore toe. Me.

I was the innocent victim of a viscious assault by a lumbering Saturday night poser with two left feet. This former friend landed on my foot like a large African elephant, leaving one toe broken and sev- eral ear drums shattered. I scream loudly.

Little did I realise what further dramas awaited me at Guildford as I lurched and hopped my way back to campus on Monday morning. How do disabled people manage to get about here ? Many of you will have realised by now that Surrey is not exactly the flattest cam- pus around, Stag /Shag /Slag Hill providing a real challenge to the physically impaired student.

The Health Centre was obviously my first port of call, so off I went to see the nurse. This was not easy with only one foot functioning properly and about 2000 steps to negotiate. Not exactly a wheelchair friendly route. Safely installed in the Health Centre medical help was quickly provided. A prod of the offending toe was swiftly followed by a piercing shriek. The verdict? “ I think it’s broken “, the nurse exclaimed removing me from the ceiling of exam room one.

Fortunately help and sympathy were at hand after an exhausting trek back to my house. One friend attempted to carry me through the door way of my duplex room forgetting of course that it was built for midgets and certainly not disabled ones at that. Having sustained multiple bruising from this exercise I decided that attending lectures could prove a useful distraction.

Thankfully, I was not a wheelchair bound student because I realised at this point that disabled ramps on campus are, in fact, lethal. The one connecting Battersea Court to inner areas seems to have a gradient of 1 in 2, an impossible task for any wheelchair user actually wishing to live. The ramps are also narrow and appear to be very slippery.

There are steps everywhere on campus, seemingly very few ramps and doors are partlicularly difficult to use if you are not able-bodied. My own attempts at a night out at the union were scuppered by my mobility problems ( not due to alcohol ) as there are steps connect- ing every level.

Hopefully my toe will be less painful by the time the Fettish Night arrives so that I can wear my thigh-high boots and get around more easily. But I am concerned about those who can’t recover in a week. How can we make our campus easier to use for all students ? Suggestions please. by Libby Hurt 6 Green Society 26/10/00 What a load of Rubbish pressure build up and act as a lubricant allowing movement between layers of the lining. Then there is another HDPE layer, this time knitted to increase it’s strength and make it more resistant to puncturing by and protruding sharp waste that may be pressed against it. Finally there is another 1 metre of Newlands Corner – an ‘Area of Outstandingsand, and then the rubbish. At £97 per sq. Natural Beauty’, surrounded by wooded hill-metre it is hardly cheap, but every precau- sides and spectacular views. tion is entirely necessary. When a cell is full, and has been allowed to settle (there is Western Wood Hill – forested and scenic,approximately a 15% decrease in volume of rising behind Albury Village and part of thethe waste, so cells are ‘overfilled’ by about Albury Estate. 20metres to compensate), the top is sealed over with the same materials, and eventual- Enter the new generation of humans – massly plans are to replant it and monitor with an consumption, scant regard for the environ-aftercare programme lasting up to 60 years, ment and natural landscape, aeons ofby which time the waste will have decom- waste… posed, and therefore reduced in volume, as much as it is going to. Members of Greensoc and Fiona Wareham at eh landfill site Welcome to the landfill site! With 200,000 tonnes of sand excavated every year sincePipes are inserted to funnel out methaneincinerator at Slyfield would reduce the vol-using less. A huge proportion of rubbish is a 1988, the 52 acre site, once Western Woodgas created by the rotting matter. Currently but now owned by Chambers, is no longer athis simply perfumes the local atmosphere, picnic destination. The site now receivesbut when areas have been sealed and 140,000 tonnes of waste per year from com-become relatively stable (approx. 8 years mercial, industrial and domestic sources intime) it will be possible to collect and use Surrey. At current usage levels there is 8-9this gas for electricity generation. Although years of sand extraction left, catering for adecomposition happens faster in damp con- further 20 years of landfill before this hol-ditions, until the cell is completely filled lowed corpse of nature is sealed over andleachates are drained and treated to keep it’s noxious foundations hidden forever. Wethe waste as dry as possible. Vermin control hope… and Air Pollution control are regular visitors to the site – roughly monthly and 3-4 times a Of course it is not all doom and gloom. Themonth respectively, more in the summer. area of landfill, below the edge of the site to conceal it from view and prevent unpleasantA final precaution is a restoration bond on odours of the decomposing waste reachingwhich the Environment Agency has the first the local population, is divided into 10,000call. If anything does go wrong, this bond is sq. metre cells. These are lined by a com-designed to cover any resulting damage posite walling made up of several differentcosts. But at what price is nature? layers to minimise the risks of leakage and An aerial view of the landfill Site subsequent contamination of the surround-Other costs are implemented by the govern- ing area. I say minimise – the bodiesment. Landfill tax, currently £11 a tonne for responsible will probably assure us there isgeneral waste, is set to rise by £1 every yearume of rubbish into landfill generally,form of packaging – by refusing over pack- no risk, but think of the BSE crisis, nuclearuntil it reaches £15, from which point it isNewlands Corner would be fairly unaffectedaged products and reusing packets and disasters, the Titanic sunk! It is easy to beexpected to jump following the example ofsince the sources of their waste are local.bags wherever possible you will be reducing wise after the event. Against the rough edgeother European countries (e.g. in GermanyThe new sites would be taking the propor-your input to the growing waste mountain. If of the hole is a 2-metre layer of reinforcedthe equivalent charge is £45). This cost istion of Surrey’s waste that is currently beingyou are not convinced of the importance of sand, followed by polystyrene to create athen passed on to the producer, either byexported to other counties for disposal. Thethis, go and visit Newlands Corner for your- smoother and more cohesive surface. Nextcharging businesses or in taxes. At 30only way to reduce the amount of litter goingself. Look across the landscape and then is a lining of HDPE (a high density, non-tonnes per month, this is a significant cost toto sites such as Newlands Corner is for theimagine if all the hills were carved out and porous plastic, 3-4mm thick), and a ‘gasthe university! population as a whole to make a conscioustheir whole natural internal ecosystem mesh’, a plastic net-like material to prevent effort to reduce the volume of rubbish theyremoved. What a waste. pockets of gas forming which could cause aWhile new developments like the proposedgenerate by recycling and, more ideally,by Greensoc

The landfill Site The landfill Site

Elections end 4pm Friday 27th October PoetryPoetry PagPagee

Music Reviews Competitions Horoscopes Road Trip 8 News & Comps 26/10/00 Music News Paul Weller, former frontman with theexclusive Manson download. There is alsoto add a further 37 names to the list. Theers are allowed to perform. Madison Avenue Jam, has been released on police bail aftertalk of Manson touring the UK in January,event will be broadcast simultaneously onand Killing Heidi were the big winners at the he was arrested in connection with anwatch this space for more details. Radio 1 and to 178 stations in 37 countries.prestigious event. alleged rape. The incident is said to have A U2track featuring Mick Jagger, front-Meanwhile the 12,500 capacity Resolution Daphne & Celesteare taking a break happened in Farnham, Hampshire in 1996.man of Rolling Stones has been omittedat Alexandra Palacewill be headlined byfrom their hectic touring schedule to battle it The alleged victim is a 36 year old woman,from the band’s forthcoming album ‘All ThatPrimal Scream, with ADF and Ian Brow asout with Indie band Arab Strapto become believed to live in Stretham, London. You Can’t Leave Behind’. The track, calledsupporting cast for their New Year Party.the new agony aunts for the www.nme.com Marilyn Mansonfans are in with a‘Stuck in a Moment (You Can’t Get Out Of),DJs confirmed include Jon Carter, Lukewebsite. Voting takes place on Tuesday 31st chance of winning a trip to Hollywood tois now appearing as an alternative version.Slater, James Lavelle and Andy Weatherals.October, don’t waste your vote. meet the star as part of a competition aimedU2 guitarist, The Edge, said that the track Primal Scream have also announced a Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durstand at promoting his new website (www.marilyn-‘took a different direction’ and is now notsmall tour before Christmas, taking inEminem could be set for a duet on stage as mansononline.co.uk), up and running fromgoing to be used. Birmingham, Brighton and Manchester.part of their anger management tour of the the 1stNovember. Entrants will have to pay The Ministry of Soundis set to hold aBefore them the Foo Fighterswill be visit-US. Meanwhile Damon Albarn, lead singer a daily visit to the site, for fourteen days, to16,000 capacity New Year’s Eve party at theing Manchester, Birmingham, Brixton,with Blur, has become the latest celebrity in collect clues to obtain a secret message inMillennium Dome. The gig will be the lastEdinburgh and Glasgow in early November. the current feud, describing Travis as Manson’s new album ‘Holy Wood (In Theevent to be held in the controversial buildingRicky Martinis reported to have snubbed‘cheese on toast music’ and Limp Bizkit as Shadow of The Valley of Death)’. The cluesand will feature four rooms; house, UKthe Australian music awards (ARIA) after not‘shit’. It has become apparent that the only can also be found on the two CD versions ofgarage, drum n’ bass and a chill out / cine-being allowed to perform at them. Martin isreason Blur released a ‘best of’ album was his new single ‘Disposable Teens’ out on thema room. Paul Oakenfold, Artful Dodger,said to have pulled out from presenting anto take a year off and have said that they will 6thNovember or in his new album, releasedThe Dreem Team, Fabio and DJ Rap areaward at the Aussie equivalents of the Bitsbe back soon. a week later. All correct entries will win analready confirmed, with the ministry lookingafter being told that only Australian perform- by Luke Hickey

do is answer the following question: Competitions Win Supersister Goodies!!! Win A Cookery Book!!! What search engines can you use to find We’ve teamed up with Supersister, ‘the Welcome to our re-launcheda part time job on www.activate.co.uk ? three talented singers and songwriters withIn conjunction with New Zealand Lamb, we Competitions Page, up for grabs this(Hint: You might want to take a look at thestyle, intelligence, sex appeal and a wickedhave SIXcopies of ‘Famous Family Food’ week are an activate stunt kite, somewebsite) sense of humour’ to give away a prize of acookery books to win. The cookery book FNO tickets, some cookery books and Supersister bag and their latest singlecontains a unique collection of favourite some Supersister goodies. For all theWin FNO tickets!!! ‘Coffee’, plus 4 runners-up prizes of CD’s torecipes of many different famous people. All competitions please send your entries the people who can answer this question:you have to do is answer the following ques- in by email to [email protected] answer this question: tion: by 6pm Monday 30thOctober 2000. Complete the lyric from Supersister’s The winners will be notified within aIf you were one of the X-men, what would smash hit ‘Coffee’: Zoe Ball makes her cheesecake for which couple of days so please include youryour special mutant power be? famous DJ? contact details. Good luck! I like my man like I like my coffee; hot, The funniest and most original answer winsstrong and sweet like …… Is it a) DJ Larry ‘da’ Lamb Win an Activate Stunt Kite!!! you a pair of tickets to the FNO on 3rdon b) DJ Lovebite November. Is it a) toffee c) Norman Cooke In association with www.activate.co.uk we b) a stick of rock have one kite to give away, all you have to c) a wet weekend in Blackpool 26/10/00 Arts Feature 9

HHOROSCOPEOROSCOPESSBYASTROLOGICALALISON LibraSept 24th - Oct 23rd wait until the re-run of ‘Dad’s Army’ beforeTaurus April 21st - May 21st cheer up method I always find works well is A personal hygiene crisis is on the cards foryou get down to any funny business. This is your week to be giving and loving toto sleep for 48 hours. By the time you awak- all librans this week. You may not notice itLucky tinned food : Whiskers, gameothers so..... give back everyone’s cutleryen all your problems will have passed. yourselves but someone close to you will beflavoured. that you stole from the kitchen and give thatLucky tinned food : carrots quick to point it out to you. girl you’ve had your eye on some sweet lov- Lucky tinned food : spaghetti hoops withAquarius Jan 21st - Feb 19th ing. Virgo Aug 24th - Sept 23rd sausages. Thinking of going on holiday? The stars areLucky tinned food : cream of mushroomBe proud to be a virgo this week and wear spelling out a blokes / girly weekend insoup. all your clothes inside out. If anybody Scorpio Oct 24th - Nov 22nd Bognor so pack up those pulling pants and notices tell them you have just come back Do not, I repeat, do not eat that fruit cakehave a fab time! Gemini May 22nd - June 21st from a weekend in Paris and that is how all your mum sent to you for doing well in yourLucky tinned food : baked beans (what elseYou have reached your culinary peak thisthe supermodels are dressed. cross country running race. I am unable tocould you take on a camping trip toweek. Invite your neighbours round for teaLucky tinned food : plum tomatoes. reveal why so you’ll just have to trust me onBognor?) and cook up some of that casserole you are this one! so famous for. (Just don’t tell them what’s in Lucky tinned food : tuna in brine. Pisces Feb 20th - Mar 20th it.) This is a confusing time for pisces. On oneLucky tinned food : baked beans with HP Sagittarius Nov 23rd - Dec 21st hand you reeeally want to follow fashionssauce. This looks to be a great week for alland take the advice of your friends but on Sagittarians. The money may start rolling inthe other hand you really want to put thatCancer June 22nd - July 23rd but don’t spend it all of once, rememberposter of Daphne and Celeste up in yourFresher’s flu really kicks in this week and what you Granny told you....”save it for akitchen. you will feel rough. Look on the bright side rainy day”. On second thoughts the weatherLucky tinned food : peaches in syrup though, you now have a valid excuse for that is instructing you to spend, spend, spend! late piece of coursework. Lucky tinned food : all day breakfast. Aries Mar 21st - April 20th Lucky tinned food : alphabet spaghetti. A great week is in store for Aries. You just Capricorn Dec 22nd - Jan 20th can’t seem to get anything wrong. Just waitLeo July 24th - Aug 23rd This is a bad time to initiate a sexual rela-until next week when it will all go Pete Tong!You are on an emotional low this week and tionship at work. The stars are telling you toLucky tinned food : marrow fat peas. are in need of some major cheering up. A Time For Action! Escanna, Action Time, Mother Goose. G-MAS Plantation Café, Guildford, 18/10/00 Escanna, a local band (wellimpress. There were a couple ofIt's About The Groove! Dorking) are relatively new on thereasonable songs but not enough gig circuit, tonight being only theirto make a good set. Good times, good vibes and quali- second or third gig, and the first for ty tunes spanning the whole galaxy the new bassist. However theyThe last band, Mother Goose (pic-of dance music. You can bank on played a very tight set and I wastured) all the way from Finland,these when G-MAS put a night more than a little surprised thatwas very different. They absolute-together. Formed last year, G-MAS they hadn’t played more gigs. Thely kicked ass! It is rather hard tohas already attracted a dedicated music can be described as melod-describe their style as it veers in afollowing, and the events they put ic and was almost totally guitar led,bizarre, yet strangely enchanting,on show why. the ‘singer’ used his voice more asway between hard core punk, with an accompaniment to the musicthe accompanying basic riffs andOn Thursday night in Freshers than as a focus point. This is thethumping drums, to a more melod-week almost 300 people came sort of band that we could soon beic soft rock. They could almost bealong to sample the sonic smor- hearing on John Peel’s Radio 1described as stoner punk with agasbord laid on in the Helyn Rose show! mellow edge. Bar by G-MAS. They even man- aged to fill the dance floor when Action Time are a six piece whoSo, all in, not a bad night, Escannathey were competing with Chicane dressed all in black with threecould go far, Action Time, althoughlast Friday. singers, the male singer seemed toalready signed, should think about be trying to be Jarvis Cocker, hedragging themselves into the nowThe eclectic mixture of under- had the moves down but certainlyand Mother Goose just plainground dance music is what G- not the vocal talent. There soundrocked. MAS believe sets them apart fromcrowd the range of music theyCollins spins trip hop tunes for the was all rather five years ago and other societies. “Doing a night isn’twant to hear, otherwise we’d all getfirst hour. DJ Dilos and MC JJ get they, on the whole, failed toDan Driscal just about playing the records youbored!” said G-MAS co-founderthe place wiggling with powerful want to play, it’s about giving theand DJ, Cazimir Nech. AdamGarage sounds. DJ Tripwire brings the Breaks, Drum 'n' Bass and then some more breaks. Old Skool tuneage comes courtesy of DJ Kaz and Mark Blee takes to the decks, wielding a box full of excel- lent Hard House records. This diversity is unique to G-MAS and although purists say it shouldn’t work, G-MAS always seem to get away with it.

The trademark variety and quality of music on offer certainly pleased those who got to witness it all, many of whom have since remarked that G-MAS was the best event on offer during Fresher's Week. If G-MAS nights are this good at the start of the year, the sky's the limit for them from now on. The next G-MAS is on Thurday 2nd November, 9 ‘til 2 in the Helyn Rose Bar.

Simon Deeble Record Reviews 10 26/10/00 groove… 8/10 O.C

ONLY CHILD - I’ve got a Right Single of the Week These guys impress me everytime with their Singleson the edge style. Here they’re coming inSAMANTHA MUMBA - Body II with hip hop with a big hand from KriminulBody (Polydor) who hails from the home of hip hop, the oneBack with a sultry hip grinding MOJAVE 3 – Return To Sender (4AD) and only South Bronx. This is my kind ofgroove, Miss Mumba raids uncle No, not an Elvis cover, but this is along theeasy listening: futuristic funked up hip hopBowie’s box of riffs (in this case, same lines, “I send a letter but I get no reply,for those with good taste. 8/10 C.H. ‘Ashes To Ashes’) in a stunning just a note – return to sender”. The third follow up to her debut, ‘Gotta Tell track is a cover of Bob Dylan’s ‘Girl FromHONEYZ - Not Even Gonna Trip (Mercury)You’. Will no doubt cause much The North Country’, and the influence isThe British soul trio declare (like many oth-distress to teachers supervising obvious on all songs on the single, particu-ers) how they’re so over that no good man.school discos across the country larly the lead tune which even features a har-A little too close to TLC for comfort (rightas the kids get down and dirty. monica along with essential acoustic guitardown to the haircuts) this is still a cool slice 9/10 A.T. and piano. But they do the style skilfully andof soulful sound. 7/10 A.T. this single suggests new album ‘Excuses For Sillons (Constellation) reason the track is just far too slow. It is also Travellers’ will be worth investing in. 8/10MORGAN – Sitting In The Sun (Source)This three song EP sounds rather like a badfar too long, 5 minutes of utter boredom. The A.W. A slice of folky, lo-fi ska that will teleport youattempt at Pink Floyd. The actual instru-B sides are even slower and just as dull. to the streets of Rio in a happy daze… per-mental bits are quite good, but they are inter-Defiantly one to miss. 3/10 E.C. ONLY CHILD - I’ve got a Right fect now the weather is so dismal!! 7/10 O.Cspersed with long, seemingly pointless sam- These guys impress me everytime with their ples making the whole thing sound like a dullZIPPER J – Success Ambition (Humbug on the edge style. Here they’re coming inECHOBOY – Volume 2 (Mute) sound effects tape. Track 2Recordings) with hip hop with a big hand from KriminulEchoboy slakes our thirst for accessible but(Efferant/Afferant) would make good back-Just what the world needed, yet more remix- who hails from the home of hip hop, the onequirky pop. He’s not bursting to sound like aground music, but is really not somethinges of dull club music. Why do these people and only South Bronx. This is my kind ofTortoise side project, like many sell-outwhich can be enjoyed at a normal volume.bother to make loads of variations of an easy listening: futuristic funked up hip hopbands are doing at the moment. Volume 2There are no vocals to attract or hold youralready bad track? As usual there’s not too for those with good taste. 8/10 succeeds by courting lip-gloss dalliancesattention which only make it all seem muchmuch difference between the mixes unless with the avant-garde, while showing off alonger. 3/10 D.D. you want to listen to the same crap for 8 min- ANJALI – Lazy Lagoon (Wiiija) prude and traditional edge to its tunes. 7/10 utes rather than 4. Don’t encourage these A talented vocalist and songwriter, Anjali willO.C LUPINE HOWL - 125 (Beggars Banquet)people, boycott this rubbish. 1/10 E.C. surpass all your expectations with blissful ‘125’ is a slightly punky little number with enraptured voyage into the deeper realms ofFly Pan Am – Seditif en Frequences etinteresting scooping vocals, though for some

Joi was originally made up of brothers Haroon and Farook Shamsher, tragically Album of the WeekHaroon died in July of last year. As prepara- tion for this album Haroon had travelled to GORKY’S ZYGOTIC MYNCI – Bangladesh to record local musicians, play- Albums The Blue Trees (Mantra) ing traditional Bangladeshi music. Farook took the traditional elements provided by his Gorky’s return only a year after bass to glimmers of soul… a pleasing their last album release with an brother and pulled them together to create an album that will appeal primarily, to fans ofalbum, but not one of their best releases. 8 track mini-LP of what they do 6/10 O.C best – acoustic songs. These eastern and electronic music. ‘Don’t Cha tunes are beautiful, most with Know That’ is the stand out track, a wonder- fully funky example of what Joi do best.TURN – Antisocial (Infectious Records) just guitar and voice, although After a slow start the first track turns into an three are entirely instrumental. ‘Triatma’ is equally good: big beats, flutes and tabla all mixed up in wicked fashion.ok rock song, including thrashing guitars They all have a very summery and some shouty vocals. Unfortunately air to them particularly one of the The emphasis here is on instruments; singing is kept to a minimum so as not toafter this great beginning the rest of the standout tracks ‘Fresher Than album is a bit of a let down, getting slower, The Sweetness In Water’, a interfere with the beautiful Bangladeshi sounds. 7/10 A.R. more acoustic and dull. There seems to be cover of a song by ‘The a slight theme running through the CD. Honeybus’. The track is reminiscent of the one sunny day at Reading where they played ‘These Three Words’ seems to be a very in August. ‘Lady Fair’ is a gorgeous love song with lyrics like “What use is sun, when youNIGO – Apesounds (Mo Wax) This is an album of eclectic sounds to suit aacoustic love song, the next track surpris- haven’t got love?” The mini-album really is mini at only 23 minutes long, but is perfectly ingly picks up a bit, but still seems to be formed and even ends with the obligatory Welsh language song. Great.9/10 A.W. broad range of musical tastes, and a plat- form for a host of talent from the Tokyoanother love song. ‘Gav and Anne’ is defi- scene. The album features collaborationsnitely a love song, and guess what the THE HELLACOPTERS – High Visibilityits effect. Not much more can be said real-from artists such as K.U.D.O (Majorpenultimate track ‘Tired Love Song’ is (Universal) ly, other than I enjoyed the music and wasForce/Unkle collaborator), Money Mark,about’? I’m not too impressed with this Lp, The press release for this Swedish 5 piecemuch more chilled at the end of it. 8/10 D.D.Shaun Lee (Wall of Sound), James Lavellethere are a few ok tracks but nothing partic- claim they are ‘Defiantly original’, I would and Jadell to name but a few… If this yourularly outstanding. 5/10 E.C. have to disagree, they sound very much likeREACT – 10thAnniversary Albumkind of scene, buy. If not, well…don’t. 6/10. the older metal bands, such as Black“Former Glories & Future ClassicsJ.H MADISON AVENUE - The Polyester Sabbath and Iron Maiden. Not that there is(React) Embassy (VC) anything wrong with that, of course. TheIf you like dance music, you are in for aTIM HUTTON - Everything (PiasIt’s never a good sign for your follow up sin- overall sound is very good and is complete-treat… React have been at the vanguard ofRecordings) gle to sound so uncannily similar to your ly different from the glut of rap/metal bandsdance music since the early nineties, and‘Everything’ by Tim Hutton has a very mel-debut that you have to draft in a couple of that are hogging the limelight at thehave had 16 top 40 hits ever since. C.D 1 oflow and folksy sound. It is not standard folkDJs at the last minute to remix it into some- moment. An interesting album which bringsthis collection features some of their earlierby any means though as he has incorporat-thing a little less deja-vu inducing. Sure, back memories of the good old days ofstuff like The Source featuring Candied contrasting moods and clashing sounds.‘Don’t Call Me Baby’, had the white stiletto metal. 8/10 D.D. Staton’s “You Got The Love” or The Age OfThere are also abrasive beats and thegirls up and down the country wiggling their Love’s “Age of Love” whilst the second partalbum is full of mournful melodies that fit thecollective arses, as has the not so high ALABAMA 3 – La Peste (One Littleis a collage of the sound React producemusic well. The track ‘Eugene’, inspired bycharting follow up, ‘Who The Hell Are You’, Indian) today, like John ‘OO’ Fleming’s mind-blow-the jazz player Eugene McDaniels is an out-but even these are fantastic with compared This is a techno, gospel, country and aciding “Free”. 8/10 O.C standing track along with ‘Didn’t I Say’ andwith the remainder of the lp. Pseudo-funk jazz all thrown in to an album that will make ‘Been a Fool’ which is about laughing atsits next to neu-lounge-core (there’s a new your head spin. This is Underworld re-mix-REGULAR FRIES – War On Plastic Plantsyourself for being stupid. On first listen itterm for the music journo dictionary), or sim- ing Dusty Springfield. This is madness.(JBO) sounds a little depressing but it’s moreply filler before another kylie-does-it-better Camus came up with the title first, but A3The Regular Fries are more like a mostreflective and thoughtful. A good album,disco workout. The sad truth is, did anyone gave it its true significance ‘La peste’ = Theirregularexperiment in musical schizophre-which is perfect for those chill-out times.expect this to get more than 4/10 A.T. plague in french. This is seriously addictivenia — but in the best 6/10 N.M stuff. possible way. Their music is self-described 1-SPEED BIKE • Droopy Butt Begone! 8/10 J.H “heavy mellow.” They are equal parts elec-BOTCHIT AND SCARPER- Botchit(Southern) tronica and psychedelia, melding big beatsBreakspeech (Botchit) Techno and hip-hop are the order of the day o here. Aidan Girt, drummer with Godspeed The Letter E - N5ive Long Player (Tigerwith searing guitars to create what can bestBotchit and Scarper’s 11threlease deals Style) be described as unadulterated frenetic noise You Black Emperor and Exhaust has creat- with vocals across the board, from spokened a debut album with a decidedly unrefined The groove based sound played by thisof the most blissful variety.Enjoy! 7/10 J.H word, rap to housey female soul vocals, band makes for a nice relaxing record, sound. As you would imagine, drumming bringing them all under the breaks contextfeatures very strongly on this album. Big excellent for chilling out to. No vocals at all,JOI • We Are Three (Real World) with 95% of the album a dancefloor which doesn’t detract from the sound, in factTragic circumstances surround the return of beats provide the substance of each track 130bpm. The sounds range as usual fromwhile techno, hip-hop, punk and house gen- singing over the top of the music would spoilJoi and their second album ‘We Are Three’.jungle influenced break beat to dirty sub- 26/10/00 Record Reviews cont & Live Reviews 11

res are all visited in sample form. It’s clearThis album is a compilation of sketches from track one that Aidan Girt doesn’t caretaken from the series ‘Chris Morris’ Blue what people think about either his politicalJam’ broadcast on BBC Radio 1. It is per- Recommended views or the music he is creating. This isformed by British comedy actors against a reflected most obviously on ‘The day thatsoundtrack of unformed ambience and easyEVERCLEAR – Songs From An American Movie Pt 1- mauro ran over elwy yost’ finishing as itpop. It includes samples from tracks such asLearning How To Smile (Capitol) does with a political rant recorded on an‘Deep Blue Day’ by Brian Eno and ‘GoThe forth album by the ever-clever trio plays like the sound- answer phone. This really is very spe-Faster’ by the Propellerheads. I’m not real-track to frontman’s Art Alexakis youth. A throwback to the cialised music, quite unlike anything I’vely sure why anyone would want to listen tomelodic pop of the 60’s and 70’s, this concept album draws heard before. Drummers may derive enjoy-this let alone buy it. I don’t think I have everits inspiration from musical icons such as Otis Redding (on a ment but I’m not sure anyone else will. 4/10heard or will ever hear anything quite sostring drenched ballad dedicated to him) and Van Morrison – A.R. awfully dire again. This is absolutewith a cover of his immortal song that has been covered by garbage!! 0/10 N.M so many… yep, you guessed, Brown Eyed Girl. This is a fine TAILGUNNER – Tailgunner (No Label) return to form for the Oregon trio. 9/10 O.C Mark Coyle, the guy behind this albumLocked on Unlocked - The True Sound of should have stuck to what he does best, i.e.Two Step (Muzik) Rawkus. Featuring Mos Def, Talib Kweli producing albums (he produced Oasis’Two step is the sound of house featuringamogst others who have released albulms Definitely Maybe!), not releasing them him-Todd Edwards, Zed Bias, El Boy andunder Rawkus which are setting the pace for This Week’s Reviews by self! This record is supposedly influenced byMonsta Boy amongst others and some oforiginal funky down to earth unglamorous Pink Floyd, Neil Young and Led Zep… Ithis autumn’s best garage tunes.Safe tuneHip Hop.Again some superb scratching,but Andrew Thomas, Alex Reed, Nigel think they would all be embarrassed bycompiled fo Muzik magazine,mixed by Andywhat else to expect. The tune by Mad Skills Martin, Kevin Marston, Simon Robinson, Owen Hazelby, Ian hearing this pile of tosh. Don’t bother withLewis who lives up to his reputation. “Ghost Writer” is my favourite. Once again Id this. 3/10 J.H recomend it for any hip hop enthusiast out Purvey, Denise Nicholson, James Hemmingway, Oliver Chamero, Rawkus2000 - V/A (Mixed by Shorteethere, and I hope you enjoy as much as I CHRIS MORRIS - Blue Jam (WarpBlitz) have. Christian Hunter Records) Another killer cd from the one and only Explosive Action! Mikabomb / Remote Control, Camden Monarch, 23/10/00 Goths, cyber kids, and waywardChopped punk riffs with three ear teens cram their way into the tinysplitting shouted vocals combine in backroom as the first catatonica pogo friendly rhythm. “Some chord crashes out in a wall of dis-people say we are yellow, and I tortion and hormones. Remoteguess we are, this one is ‘Yellow Control appear as a four piecePeril’”, calls lead vocalist Mika glam punk band with Michael Stipebefore two minutes of something fronting in a cowboy hat. The rockapproaching the particularly hard- monoliths of much of their set drivecore thrashes of early Beastie home, usually with tongue firmly inBoys albums. Then it’s back to cheek. Mid-set the lead guitaristbusiness with the singles, ‘Heart wanders to the front of stage to pullAttack’, and, ‘Super Sexy Razor a full on Kiss-rock pose and twid-Happy Girls’, both simple punk dles a solo straight out of the poo-statements on intent. How much dle powered eighties’. A kick tofurther Mikabomb can go is uncer- convention and, along with Kingtain, this kind of music usually fill- Adora, possible leaders of a newing toilet venues but rarely any- neu-glam-metal movement. In thething more grand. Still, simply for main, Mikabomb are an (even)their enthusiasm and attitude they trashier version of Shampoo, butdeserve a chance even if they are occasionally they slip into moreoccasionally a little aurally chal- intense scream fuelled near-metal.lenged! Andrew Thomas Remote Control Glittertastic Punk

Pop Riot!Venus In Furs / Ciccone @ Camden HQs, 17/10/2000 A bargain bucket assortment of charity shop chic and toytown riffs,Venus In Furs Ciccone are a high velocity charge of delirious pop punk intent. A mangled guitar line, dizzy bass, and a four to the floor combustable drum beat. Boy/girl vocals squab- ble for air whilst the keyboard play- er sets off a sample then wanders off stage and dances in the audi- ence. ‘We Don’t Care’, cheerily dis- misses a dying relationship whilst, ‘Cool Cool Kids’, implores teenagers across the country to drop their work and get hammered. Expect them to get the blame next time the Daily Mail finds another “shocking” statistic on underage drinking (what better publicity could you ask for). If Ciccone are sweaty snogs at the back of a crap night- club then Venus In Furs are theband. Vocalist, Becky Stefani, isfuture, but it’s with current single, total opposite, in need of a restau-much like Lauren Laverne, all cute‘Carnival’, they exceed, swooping rant and some good conversationsmiles and wistful eyes, deliveringkeyboard lines and irrepressible before even considering you.tales of teen romance whilst nod-optimism defining their role as Venus In Furs are classy pop,ding to their inevitable stumblings.leaders in the anti-neu-metal back- assuming of course that you con-Songs like, ‘Where’s My Limo’, arelash. Andrew Thomas sidered Kenickie to be a classymore assertive to their destined Sunday Night Live Presents... The North Mississippi All Stars

Sunday November 12th

with support from “Mo Solid Gold”

If ever there was an event not to miss, here it is, direct from the US of A, the NMAS are set to take Europe by storm.

“If you think white men can’t sing the blues, you can’t have heard the North Mississippi All Stars” The Guardian

“Clapton, Cooder, Big Star pianoman Jim Dickinson’s sons give new life to old blues” Q Magazine

“It’s their desire to leave every room they play sweaty ‘n’ bourbon drenched, dancing and grin- ning like goons - Mission well and truly accom- plished” NME

Miss this gig at your peril ...

14 A Short Story 26/10/00

RRUNNINUNNINGGIINNRREVERSEVERSEEBYCHRISMORTON “Bang.” when he takes that first inhale of the day. Like them he looks busy. Faster this time, he The train meets the darkness of a twenty-carries on walking. There should be less second tunnel and Francis is awoken, fromdaydreaming, he is here for a reason after a forgotten daydream, to all the memories ofall. this once so regular routine. A hustle of impatience stirs around him as theseA bus is slowing to his right. This is the unfledged students gather their bags, theirbringing to, the shipping of more cargo and coats, and their books. In provision theymore colours. Students spew onto the path hold their packets of ten Marlborough lights,ahead of him. They disperse towards and anticipating the fresh air that lies ahead. Ataway from him, he dodges their dispersal. once Francis finds himself doing the same; apprehensive again, he watches the pass-It is one occasion only, which is triggered by a stolen book. The metallic strip had been ing world slow to a recognisable pace. this. This was the party on the seventh, theFrancis could ask why, but instead replieseasy to find, easy to pull off. A rare occasion second year of study. He remembers beingwith a simple “No.” he supposes. The train slips to its adapted home and thelate for work, and he remembers leaving the calm balance is broken by the inward andbus with those regrets of sleeping withHe looks around at the life that has sudden-The hand-in-point is still the same. It was outward waves of life. This is where he oncesomeone who he should never have sleptly become aware to him: And of him. It justfunny when Jenny had dropped all her text- belonged. with. And with the nicotine rush to his headcontinues as though the things that followbooks there, turned to look at her audience he remembers the blinding sun that broughthave no relevance to what is behind. Twoin embarrassment, and tripped over the Francis gets off behind two foreign students.the promise of more exams. He remembersgirls now walk up to him and hand him fliers,boundary of posts. Chinese-American he thinks; one of themher name and he remembers what she waswhich he takes. reminds him of Mia. She is wearing a redlike. Those small regrets that followed are And the photocopy machine where he had backpack, which bounces up and down inless important to him now. “Vodka one pound a shot.” met Mark for the first time: “You’re on my accordance with each step of the bridge. course aren’t you?” Francis follows the bag to the station gate.Francis tries to speed up; he does not like toFrancis pushes the cards into his pocket No one is there to check his ticket, not likehave these people in front of him. They walkand quickly moves up the steps of theUpstairs, though, is now downstairs. There before. Francis was only caught jumping thetoo slowly. If he slows his pace then he is fol-library. Once at the top, he finishes his ciga-is now less of a distance to walk to the short- train once. It was on his first day. This waslowing them, while if he speeds up then herette and turns one more time to watch theloan. It is ironic that Francis now has further day when he was unaware, a day when heis running away from them. He would ratherswarms of individuals. He listens to a con-to walk; this time his needed information is was innocent. run away, he has always thought so. versation about smoking on the beach ‘tillless of a commonalty. the early hours of the morning. He walks through the station and down theThe walkway to the music rooms moves Francis walks up the stairs, through the tow- steps of the subway. The big issue sellerabove and behind Francis. He can still hearThen he goes in, through the wrong door.ering bookshelves of the back, seldom would always stand here, ambushing pass-the familiar thud of drumbeats. Francis was breathed, areas of the library where he used ing students with a blackmail of guilt. Or thealways the guitarist because that’s what heAlready things have changed. The “Exit”to look up all those old books on psycholo- hip politics of an urge to be cool, to be partwanted to be. He can remember forgettingnow reads “Entrance.” The barriers are in agy. Psychology was a recommended pass- of Brighton, to be aware and worldly. how to play, the nervousness of perform-different place. He remembers the timetime. It was his escape from the revised for- ance in front of others. when he walked through those barriers withmulas, duplicate diagrams, learnt tech The steps to his left lead upward to the bus stop. The bus stop represents an escapeHe stops now; stands and listens. There are from university. Bus’s come every five min-more posters to read here. Francis reads utes and they provide a passage to the realthe posters of old; he cannot help but per- world. Francis, still, does not live in thisceive everything for what it once was. They place. advertise the gigs and events that he can remember going to or not going to. A nearby Passed the bus stop is an alleyway. If youdoor leads to the old nightclub. This was a have the right key then you can get into theplace where his first was met. Was, because computer buildings via this path. They haveis no longer has any relevance. No longer nothing to do with the university; this isany relevance because he has no wish to where Francis’ Dad used to work. During there-enter this place. second year Francis would escape from the bustle of life to sit alone in the car park there.A fashionable couple is standing against the Sometimes he would get a ride home, if hewall in front of him. A fashionable guy is felt like it. chatting up a fashionable girl. Fashions don’t change here. They simply become But Francis does not turn left, and thereforebolder. these places no longer exist to him. Francis walks further on. He looks at the The subway is white. White with memory thestrange building to the right and remembers posters and paintings fade in to and out ofbeing too scared to be seen in there. He existence. Local art, graffiti, advertisements,wonders what the inside actually looks like. insults, proclamations: Unoriginal and deep.He could find out if he wanted to, but it is It’s all the same. better not to spoil an intact memory. Anything new would bring it all to the pres- But now they are just white. ent and he would rather keep things distant. He is happy with that place of mystery. The end of this particular road now illumi- nates the whiteness. The gradient will steep-Walking up to the square at the bottom of en. The light at the end of the tunnel reflectsthe library, Francis feels that he is further in Francis’ eyes, but immediately he focusesaway from home. A lot of students here on more approaching figures. The figuresseem indie. This was a rarity once. are also white, and they too can be played upon. A lot of them seem so young.

Francis remembers a time when he could be“Excuse me.” played upon. He can go through incidents when he was. Watching a generation belowAnd a lot of them are looking at him. him he sees himself once again. “A petition against genetically modified “Yes, they are going through that world now,food.” and one day that was me.” “Sorry?” But Francis can still be played with because he is untogether. If he were a ghost then thisThe two mature’s swing into Francis’ view would be the place that he would haunt untiland stare at him blankly. They are dressed he could find that answer. Consciously heuntidily, a feigned untidiness Francis thinks. lights a cigarette while the figure’s brush passed him. He is in the middle of them“Genetically modified food.” 26/10/00 Barefiction 15 continued from page 14 again, that this is his last chance to explore. drink alone in this pub, he would always It should not be too hard, no one is there toThere are no Doritos, so Francis has to set-have something to read, more than often it niques, and studied facts. Inevitably though,recognise him and he can move aroundtle for one of the more expensive brands ofwas an NME. This way he would look busy pass-times were changed, and factsfreely. He is simply an observer. corn chips. It is not as if he cannot afford itand at the same time he would look cool. On became religion. It was the right choice for though: Some things have changed for thethis occasion however he has no need for Francis. Francis could walk through the arts buildingsbetter. distractions. There is too much to stare at, to his left. He could once again progress and no one to stare at him. The neurology section is easily found. those long shallow steps of the main hall. HeUsually he would recognise the person serv- could search for the tearoom where he useding him. Often it was Angelica, or Tobias.The three lads by the pool table, the two “Over the years, and patients undergoingto meet Holly once a week for fruit tea andBut most of the time it had been the girl ingirls sitting on the steps, the four mature’s both GABA and barbiturates, indeed, incarrot cake. He could find the familiar smok-the tight white shirt who always smiled atdiscussing things that are far too intelligent which nerve cell bodies are not established.ing spot, remember the deeply depressinghim, but always smiled at everyone. for the ears of the apprentice junkie smoking Very full scarlet appears, in much the samediscussions he would share with Nass and in the corner, or the ex-student sitting at the way as in adult mammals, when the con-Duncan. (There was something about ciga-The shop is not enough for Francis andbar with his pint and packet of corn chips. traction is near its maximum. Larger andrettes that helped you say what was on youronce outside again he decides that he must larger effects of partial denervation, a crus-mind). explore further. The East Slope pub is near-Francis finishes quickly; he has seen tacean axon studied in autonomic ganglion by; he could go for one drink, just for oldenough he thinks. cells, compared with the wealth of moreBut Francis heads down the main pathtime’s sake. He walks past the bank, where than one transmitter. An obvious effect ofinstead. As he walks past the old lecturehe would always get money out beforeOn his way out though Francis decides to these interactions with the significant restingtheatre he sees himself immersed in thosethose big nights out. Or more often it was fortake one last look at his old halls of resi- permeability to other ions is that which trig-“after lecture gatherings.” Why did he notthose “just one drink at East Slope,” nights.dence across the road from the pub. On the gers a vibrissae, more than ever known. Inappreciate these little things when they wereThose nights were always good. surrounding lawns his old friends sprawl in this way a self-feeling through the drugs withhappening? the sunshine of summer term. a comparable to a second important group Francis walks past the bus stop between the of adhesion effects. Too safe crest cells with“This lecturer, that lecturer. These notes,bank and the pub. He sees a queue thatOnce outside the building, however, Francis tenascin that do not give impulses are deter-those notes, who got the notes? Who under-holds himself and his old group of friends.already finds that he cannot go in. He lacks mined whether such changes are a majorstood the notes? Can I copy your notes?They are huddled together to keep warmboth the keys and the willpower. This is not advantage of these techniques. This systemWhat else have you got today? What areand are talking about and anticipating thesomething that he expected. would, however, be relatively useless foryou doing tonight? What did you do at thenight ahead. matching bedspreads, cushions, carpets,weekend?” Confusion sets in on Francis’ mind and an and curtains in a boudoir.” The East Slope pub is ahead of him now.urge to leave takes him in another direction. A new bridge is over Francis now. On theOnce again he sees the ghosts of his oldWalking back now he wades through a con- There is a mass of information to be takenother side an amateur film crew awaits. life. current absorption of the days of old. All that in. This is but the beginning and Francis is he has really found is the source of his not looking forward to the middle or the end.At least this is the view that he sees. TheyThe tables outside where they would sit inweakness. possess a camera and sound device; theythe summer, the pool table that they used Francis spends hours taking down informa-point it in his direction as he walks past. Atoo often, the steps that were so easy to tripWalking past the old Biology building, this tion. The person sitting next to him changesgirl with greasy hair and a bomber jacketover, the pride of place seating that enabledweakness turns to fear. There is too much every half-hour. On his way out he wonderstakes down notes. A tall man dressed inthe best view of the football screen, the tablegoing on there, someone may recognise if he will be stopped by an official, or a joker,black gives orders. in the corner where their band meetingshim. Someone may interact with him. to be told that he has won a thousand were held, the video games, the jukebox… pounds for being the library’s longest study-A group of trendy students are sitting out- He could disguise himself as a passive ing customer of the day. side the shop. There is a hazy look in theirFrancis orders a Fosters, which he remem-observer, but he would still know. He could eyes that Francis recognises. None of thembers as the average “cheap drink” of thisgo for a coffee. He could bump into an old It is early evening when Francis exits thelook at him as he enters the shop. university. Someone once told him that stu-friend. He could compare notes with his old library. Dusk sets on the university grounds dent beer was out of date working classtutor, who most certainly would still be there, below him, which sets off the beauty of thisOnce inside, Francis wonders what to buy. Abeer, and he believed them of course,in that over-cluttered cupboard of a room. fairytale world. Part of that world, though, ispacket of crisps is cheap, something point-because of the taste. The Fosters is more age. less enough to have no effect on the day.expensive than Francis recollects and heBut as Francis turns to the building he sees The isle of junk food brings more reminis-puts this down to inflation. himself once again and it is too much for him Suddenly Francis does not want to leave.cence. This was his oasis on those days of to handle. Somehow he knows that he will never returnmissed dinners. On the odd occasion that Francis would

BBAREFICTIOAREFICTIONN Fear and Loathing incar, feeling the white folds of the canvas topDouglas Coupland is a little too caught up inSeahorses by Bidisha Las Vegas bybeneath my trembling hand. The clerk, stillhis own ego, the characters are a little too Hunter. S.smiling, was poking the telegram at me.” boring, and the definitions are a little tooFamous for beginning Thompson confusing. But all the building blocks ofher writing career at Extremely hard to put down. Read it beforeweirdness make Generation X a cut abovethe tender age of 16 Fear and Loathingyou die. all the other books to tackle this subject. (included writing for in Las Vegas is NME), Bidisha was one of the all-time Generation X byRoller Coaster by Chris Allen given the chance to classics for the Douglas Coupland produce something alternative gener- Roller Coaster is a short novel about theof great speciality ation. When There is somethingteenage world of soft drugs, pubs, clubs,in her first novel. reading this book extremely Americangigs, supermarket jobs, festivals, college,Those intellectu- you are taken on a trip about this book, it’sangst, pregnancy, depression, andals, they hailed their newly through the surreal world that surrounds the probably deliberate.romance. It is set against the backdrop offound artist. The alternative culture scene, author’s interpretation of the mayhem that Actually it is notthe Britpop scene of 1996. The story is thatthat had given her her first break, eagerly his country throws his mind into, as he is intentional; thisof the main character Ellyott Chambersawaited the words of the new generation. desperately failing to collect and compose book is extremelywhose best friend Colin has committed sui-But instead of writing a really cool book, an article on a bike race that he is unable to contrived and thecide and tells of his troubles to come toBidisha decided to write something clever, understand. The prose is brilliantly colourful, morals are almost asterms with this. The reality of Ellyott’s situa-something really deep and artistic. the pace is faster than a speeding bullet. So annoying as the last two and a halftion is not revealed until near the end of theSomething powerful. Somethingdepressing. fast even, that quite often you are left trailingminutes of an American sitcom. But thebook, the distractions (of going out and get-Something nasty. Something with meaning. behind the author as he speeds ahead in histhing is, the subject matter is so relevant toting wasted) for Ellyott are the distractions huge red Chevy convertible, avoidingattitudes of the post eighties (yuppie) gener-for the reader. There are around 30 charac-Seahorses is the story of the stale lives and numerous drug-enhanced confrontations.ation, and the author is so intelligent andters; the scenes do not unrealistically onlythe relationships between a musician, a But what you don’t understand won’t scarepassionate about his ethics, that this book isinclude the main group. The book tellscomposer, and a teenage school-girl. An you and it doesn’t matter because at the endworthy of the “classic” label that it has beenthings the way it is in a street-talk prose,interesting read for lovers of alternative fic- of the day it is all about the trip, and anyway,given. Three twenty-somethings are desper-although some sections and chapters aretion. It’s just that, sometimes what you write the American Dream is dissed with almostately searching their minds for an answer towritten in a literary style. The main theme isis more important than the way you write it, every letter that Hunter S. Thompson putsthat ultimate question of “how can I reallyto do with having nothing to look back on inand the complex prose skirts around that down. make the most of my life in this one chancelife and nothing to look forward to, althoughcertain something inside that every good that I have been given.” The dead ends thatthere are many themes, mainly to do withbook needs. “I felt dizzy. It was too much to absorb all atface them are originally portrayed with car-being around that age of seventeen, that are once. From freedom, to prison, and thentoons, adverts, and meaningful storiesexplored. back to freedom again – all in thirty seconds.around the campfire. I staggered backwards and leaned on the 16 OFU 26/10/00

Director: Todd Philips gle, no blood, nor clothes and we haven’t found a drop of Length: 1hr 34 mins semen yet!’. In keeping with Roadtrip’s humour and styleIn Which Most Things there is a shower scene with full frontal nudity & a demon- Don’t Work Out Roadtrip’s main theme begins stration of a vibrator. However, neither of these scenes can when Josh (Breckin) Mayer gets quite match the infamous scene in American Pie where aWrithing like shrimps beneath the wheels of a disgustingly old his best friend to post a video he home made pie is ‘mounted’. woman’sshopping basket, here come this week’s set of films has made for his long-term girl- at OFU and University Arts Cinema! friend & childhood sweetheart. The film has a couple of interesting subplots – such as However, surprise, surprise his Barry (Tom Green) attempting to feed Josh’s pet snakeFirst up (this Sunday), is `Halloween H20`, starring Jamie Lee best friend sends the wrong tape with mice with mixed results. There is also a Ku Klux KlanCurtis. Following on from John Carpenter’s original shocker - in fact he sends a tape of Josh having sex with anotherjoke of debatable taste, when a black student finds a KKK(which was one of Curtis’ first starring roles over twenty years fresher! Hence what follows is Josh & friends travellingmask in Kyle’s luggage. ago), here we see the ultimate Annoying Little Brother, serial 2000 miles from their New York University to the University murderer Michael Myers, rise once again to terrorise the of Texas where Josh’s girlfriend is studying, to interceptRoadtrip is a very funny film to see with a group of friendsunfortunate Curtis. With a big shiny knife: the mark of a true the package. but its course pro, naturally. humour will not Naturally, Josh & friends possess neither enough moneybe to everyone’s For those unfamiliar with the general SP on this film, it goes for a flight nor a car. To solve this conundrum Josh invitestaste, so if a like this: Michael Myers is the original enfant terrible. stereotyped geek, Kyle, who conveniently posses a creditsophisticated Incarcerated in a psychiatric institution at the age of six after card and a car. Here begins the formation of a ‘gang’ afilm takes your stabbing his sister to death on Halloween night, he escaped concept common to many a teenage film, notably Porky’sfancy I’d advise as a young man to return to the scene of his crimes. Where & American Pie. Rest assured, no cliché is left unturned asyou to spend he summarily butchered his way through Laurie Strode’s the characters fall into clearly identifiable character types -your student (Curtis) babysitting friends, until he worked his way through to there’s the clever moody Physics student, the outgoingloan elsewhere. her... party animal, the hairy weirdo & of course Josh – the nor- mal one with a girlfriend. Tom Sugarman Twenty years after that disastrous night, Laurie Strode, now a headmistress at a private school of which her 17-year-old son The premise of a long road journey always gives the is a member, and now *also* under an assumed name, has scriptwriters plenty of opportunities to introduce new char- slowly rebuilt her life. However, she still fears that crazy acters and plot twists along the way. Roadtrip is no excep- Michael will return and try to do for her again... tion with Josh & Co faced with a missing section in the road, which they decide to jump… With a treatment by the man behind the Scream series, Kevin Williamson, it comes as no surprise to see that Halloween Roadtrip has a some very amusing and often distasteful H20 is a surefire success as a scary popcorn movie. There’s lines (depending on your point of view) including: ‘Well I’ve lots of cackles, lots of schlock, and lots of gropes to be had had sex before – but not with a person!’, and a forensic while you pretend to be trying to comfort your date. scientist at the scene of car wreckage, ‘No sign of a strug- Monday night sees our screening of an all-time classic thriller, Luc Besson’s `Nikita`. One of the most innovative features of Coyote Ugly (12) cated, no twists just pure old fashioned romance. the last ten years (just), this film was instrumental in Besson - Duration: 121 minutes who later went on to make `The Fifth Element` and `Leon` - Director: David McNally It must be a sign that I am getting soft in my old age, but Iestablishing a reputation as a force to be reckoned with in cin- have been to see a ‘chick flick’ and enjoyed it. The first halfema. The film also gained itself an enviable reputation, as a Based on a 1993 GQ magazine article, Coyote Ugly isan hour was a tad bor- French-subtitled film that transcended the usual restricted about dreams and going after them, no matter what. ing, but it does get bet- fandom afforded such features by the international audience. ter, noticeably when In Our hero, Violet (Piper Perabo) is a small town quiet girlViolet starts work at the particular, American filmmakers seized the rights, and pro- who dreams of becoming a big star in the big city, Newbar, and is overall rea- ceeded to turn out not only the usual dismal remake (`The York. She wants to do what her mother couldn’t, be a suc-sonably entertaining. Assassin`, with Bridget Fonda in the title role), but also an cessful songwriter, only one problem, she has stage-frightI’ve seen better this equally dire TV series, probably on a television set tuned to so bad that she can not even manage a note when facedyear, and seen worse Channel 5 right now. with any audience. (Shaft springing to mind in the latter cate- The sole survivor of a gun battle when her gang is trapped by After arriving in New York Violet finds a dingy apartmentgory), if you like an armed police unit, Nikita (played perfectly by the stunning and a job in a downtown bar called Coyote Ugly, whereromance films then go, Anne Parillaud) is unexpectedly spirited away by the security she is renamed ‘Jersey’, after the area she used to live in.if not you will probably services. Far from being summarily executed, however, she Coyote Ugly is no ordinary bar, though, behind it are an allfind better on at the finds herself being trained as a top secret assassin and secret female staff who spend most of their time dancing on themoment. agent. bar and keeping at bay the plethora of marauding patrons, often with a water jet. Here Jersey learns to come out of5/10 Her adventures and her resulting struggle to come to terms her shell, with the help of Kevin (Adam Garcia), an with her new life take up the rest of the film, and she becomes Australian who has more jobs a week that hot dinners.by Luke Hickey. increasingly ensnared in the machinations of the State... What then follows is a standard love story, nothing compli- A breathtaking thriller with a soundtrack that’s pure genius, there really isn’t much of an excuse for not having seen `Nikita` by now! Jean Reno’s eyeball-bulging performance as the hopelessly deranged `Cleaner`, Victor, is just one of the many highlights of this film.

Moving on to Wednesday, University Arts Cinema gives us all the chance to kick back and breathe a family-size sigh of relief after all that adrenalin has finally been flushed from our blood- streams. `Great Expectations` is the audacious modernization of Charles Dickens’ classic novel, starring the underrated Ethan Hawke as hapless and forlorn artist, Finnegan Bell.

Even in maturity, Finnegan remains heartbroken and anguished by his memories of the lovely but haughty Estella (Gwyneth Paltrow), who has spurned his advances again and again, and has now disappeared from his life entirely.

Director Alfonso Cuaron takes visual flights of fancy to the level of magic realism in this lurid and curious production. Worth seeing almost for curio value alone, this feature remains oddly compelling even if you find the art direction unappealing. A classic romance framed in an unfamiliar and somewhat alien light, `Great Expectations` is a genuinely weird and almost unsettling film. A long scene where Paltrow poses in the nude for Finn forms the centrepiece of the film, but the atmosphere of it goes beyond sensual, into positively haunting. Deeply odd, and recommended on such grounds.

Gwendoline Ottoman-Empire (retired). 26/10/00 Websites & Food Reviews 17 A taste of GuildfordWebsite Reviews

SO you fancy a curry? Where do youbefore ordered drinks appeared.large groups of people, in fact they love Here it is, hopefully to coincide with EVERYONE get- go? Well, in Guildford there are twoOverall, though it is quite a high classthem, so much so that if you are unfor-ting dressed up for the Union’s only Fetish night a main choices: The Bombay Spice (self-restaurant, with diners who expect totunate enough to be in a small group year...the world of fetish on the internet. proclaimed ‘High Class Indianhave a pleasant peaceful meal, so per-while a large party is there you can Restaurant’) or The Shahee Mahal. haps a place to avoid after your pubexpect to be largely forgotten about and http://www.expectations.co.uk This a good site with crawl. One last thing, book, it is usuallyto wait longer for your food than usual.lots to look at and to do, information and links as well The Bombay Spice is the closer of thevery busy, which must be a good thing.On my visit they also, rather worringly,as chat rooms and forums, and it’s all well laid out two restaurants, located in the campus ran out of draught bitter early on in the too...the online shop has some interesting stuff and if end of town by The George Abbot, thusThe Shahee Mahal is situated at the topevening. Again, book in advance foryou want to order any- considerably less far to stumble back toof town, just round the corner fromtables, as the restaurant is small, one thing and see where it is campus. The food quality here is veryCindies. It is cheaper that the Bombaygroup of twenty or so and another of a they have an online good, curries coming up neither tooSpice, expect to pay about œ4:50 for adozen can pretty much fill the area. order tracking system greasy or too dry, and the portions arecurry (there is also a 10% student dis- that will help you check if fairly large, however the prices do matchcount on Mondays), but the portions areSo if you’re going for quality of food and it’s near your door this, expect to pay about a fiver for onenoticeably smaller and or a lower quali-a peaceful quiet meal, go to the Bombay yet...9/10 curry. The drinks are about average forty than the Bombay Spice. The drinksSpice, if not the Shahee Mahal is for a restaurant, and probably cheaper thanare also fairly average for a restaurant.you. certain bars in town. The service wasThe main thing in Shahee Mahal’s http://www.castlerealm.com This is another great average, we did have to ask a few timesfavour, though, is that they will cater forBy Luke Hickey. info site and a good way to look at some of what goes on in the fetish lifestyle, I like the way they have split things into the world of Or what about a monogolian? of the chefs standing round their largeweek early) the service was fairly good the Dominant and sub- hot plate whilst you watch it sizzle away.for the number of us, although there was missive, for some of you The Mongolian Restaurant, Godalming.You can return as many times as yousome delay in the drinks arriving (but out there even this like, trying different combinations eachcould that be because Harvey was much information will be This eating establishment is situated intime. If you have a large appetite, thethere?) and despite some English com- too much, in which case Wharf Road, Godalming - just a short£10.95 charge for all you can eat ismunication problems, a great night was don’t go look. 9/10 walk from Godalming station, a mere tengreat value. The beverages are reason-enjoyed by all. Although there is one minute and £2.20 return train journeyably priced for a restaurant - £10 for a 4question: are frozen sweetcorn and from Guildford. This restaurant spe-pint jug, and £8.75 for house wine.peas traditionally a Mongolian speciali-http://www.informedconsent.co.uk Everything for the cialises in the traditional Mongolian bar-They cater well for large groups, (wety? beginner to the already converted, not always a great becue, where you choose your own rawwere about 50 hockey players dressed layout but the sheer amount of info brings the site up, ingredients, and give your choice to onein fetish, and yes, we know it was aby Caroline Thorpe full of links and reviews on things like good books on the subject of And finally a chinese masterchef... restaurant consultant throughout thedence needed to try more ambitiousfetish and BDSM, a world. recipes but also your meal will be all thegood way to find out Chinese cuisine has always been huge- more authentic for embracing a varietymore and begin to look ly important in Ken Hom's life.His most recent project has been theof techniques. around the web, join "Comforting, pervasive aromas andlaunch of the sophisticated and yet rea- email groups etc. 8/10 delightful tastes were part of everydaysonably-priced Yellow River Cafis inRemember that the art of Chinese cook- life," he explains. "My mother was aLondon, with more branches planned toing lies in achieving a harmonious blendhttp://www.preachingtotheperv.com If you liked the superlative cook, and our home wasopen in the near-future. of colour, texture, aroma and flavour.film Preaching to the Perverted you’ll love this site, it’s always filled with the smells of the sea- This involves using a range of cooking an official website for sonings, spices and sauces that charac-Aside from his extraordinary talent formethods. the film and you can get terise Cantonese cooking." cooking, much of Ken Hom's success the sound track from must be due to the fact that, with charmA fish may be steamed, a meal braised, here, go ahead take a Born in Arizona, he moved to Chicagoand charisma, he has managed towhile the vegetables may be stir-fried. A peek. If you haven’t as a child and by the age of 11 wasdemystify the art of Chinese cuisine formeal will also be designed so that each seen the film maybe working as an apprentice in his uncle'sa Western audience. In fact, he hasdish is different and yet they all comple- this’ll get you interest- restaurant, peeling pounds of prawnsbeen so influential that ten per cent ofment each other. ed. 8/10 and cleaning mountains of snails. British homes now own a Ken Hom wok. "I dream of food. I wallow in it," he says.One dish will be spicy and another mild;http://www.lff.nixnet.com Later he won a scholarship to study artHis enthusiasm is obviously catching.one may be chewy, another crisp. TheThe site of the London history and photography at university, total effect should appeal to all the sens-Fetish Fair, this isn’t and during his year out he went to the A Woking Good Time es. All the dishes should be placed inalways well updated but South of France, where his love of cook- the centre of the table to be sharedit’s still worth a look. ing really took hold. By Ken Hom BBC Worldwide (£15) between the diners, who help them-7/10 In the first of two serialisations from Kenselves and each other to a little of this On returning, Ken started teachingHom's new cookbook, Foolproofand then a little of that. cookery classes from home. The class-Chinese Cookery, we concentrate on es became so popular that it wasn't longpreparing a simple Chinese meal. For the Chinese, eating is a communalOnly the five sites??? Well there’s just SO much out before he was signed up to write his first experience, and a shared meal isthere, but to prove fetish isn’t just one thing... book, which was followed in 1984 byWhen you prepare your first completelyregarded as the visible manifestation of Ken Hom's Chinese Cookery, the televi-Chinese meal, choose just two or threethe harmony that should exist betweenhttp://www.true-glamour.co.uk A site about slip and sion series and accompanying book thatdishes and serve them with some plainfamily and friends. lingerie fetish, and no doubt a surprise to many peo- brought him to the attention of a widersteamed rice. Never select dishes that ple out there but there’s no rubber or leather allowed! public. The rest, as they say, is history. all need stir-frying or you will have aFollowing Ken's recommendations our traumatic time in the kitchen trying to getChinese supper consists of: http://public.diversity.org.uk/soccer/kit/index.html Not Now, with dozens of books - published ineverything ready at once and will arrive a good site but if you like guys in soccer kit that’s a several languages - behind him, televi-at the table hot and flustered. · Crispy Seaweed fetish! sion programmes, restaurants, plus his · Stir-fried Beef with Oyster own range of woks and accessories,Choose instead one braised dish, a coldSauce http://www.foot-fetish.co.uk Can’t you tell??? It’s Ken Hom is acknowledged by food-dish, or something that can be prepared· Perfect Steamed Rice about feet!!! There seems to be a lot here but you lovers and critics alike as an authority onahead of time then warmed through, andExtract taken from Foolproof Chinesemay need to be a member to get to parts of the healthy, delicious and authentic Chineselimit your stir-frying to just one dish. ThisCookery by Ken Hom. site...can’t tell you much about those parts, I’m not a cuisine, and is a sought-after food andmeans not only will you gain the confi-by James Buller member. Watch Out Phase 2 of the barefacts pub crawl in next weeks edition

26/10/00 Gossip, Sex & The Universe 19

Big Sister LIFE Welcome to yet another edition of hotthe groans!! Beaker lost out big timeyour mates will love you all the same. AFTER gossip from the hottest chicks in theapparently. union! Lots of breakage’s have been going on Big Sister received its first fan mail, andthis week and we have a message from THE Well, well, well you naughtywhat an honour from the ‘Stud of thethe Rugby Captains girlfriend….please boys…..dressing up as girls, showing usUnion’ himself. Diran, with a request fordon’t break anything else whilst climbing WOMB those boobs and best of all what wasa woman, not the older woman of yourout of the bath….I do need you for underneath those skirts. Hope thatdreams, but a sexy nubile 18 or 19 yearsomething!!! Vibrators are great but notI’m sorry, but I don’t understand what all the fuss is about. Britney bloody Spears. Truth is, she pisses me granny didn’t mind you stealing herold. We’re just the type of big sister youas good as the real thing! right royally off: it would appear that no matter where clothes for the night. The worrying thingare looking for, and we thought it was you go, what you do, or who you speak to, all you ever was the fact that you all seemed to bethe men of this university failing us. SoCath Court, 1A, level 3 is where you come across is this bloomin’ american girl that every enjoying yourselves so much and itgirls if you want this mans hot bod andwill apparently find the snog-a-thon man would love to romance (as opposed to many other wasn’t even drag night so what madethe description of it was in last weeksguys. Are you both enjoying tickling things - thought I’d be respectable, you see) and every you do it. Fed up with your own sticks,Big Sister article, then send us an emaileach others tongues in front of the girl would like to, well, I’m not sure, but they might want hockey boys? to the usual address. There’s nothingparents and sharing showers…oh to do something to her -we’ll leave that to your imagi- like a good old blind date. la la! nation. And if you missed out on the ski club crawl you missed out on some ice coldDid you see the girlies snogging in theStag Hill has been seeing some My main problem with her (‘main’, in that I have many madness, you put the ice cubesunion on Friday night?....See I am surewhip action flying around. Who was problems with her) is something that everyone else WHERE?? No wonder you got to knowits the men, are they really putting youthe girl chasing the boys around the seems to have missed, or at least is ignoring, just so each other so quickly!! off that much that you have to snogkitchen on Friday night? Apparently they can carry on adoring her: as far as I can see, each other. Though a request from onethe whip fell apart from the beatings Britney Spears has got a lazy eye. Good to see Tiny back on form, despiteparticular bloke for less tongue actionbut don’t worry, we’re sure she’ll his diminutive name, it would appear heand more pelvic action could get you inmake some more of them to whip It’s true - look closely at her right eye next time you see was more than enough for Naughtytrouble, so not in the union please!! up your fantasies. a picture of her - there is definately a case of “look at Nurse 2. me when I’m talking to you” going on, and this bugs me. A poster seen on someone’s room lastThat’s all for this week but don’t for- And GO BUNSEN, GO BUNSEN! Niceweek had a declaration that they lovedget, we’re watching you! I’m not sure why it bugs me, it’s just one of those things I suppose, but bug me it does, and so, because I can, to see you ‘lighting up’ one of our inter-the Spice Girls. Mark, you may have I’m moaning about it to you, the ever-present reader. mediates, yes, yes, we have all heardbeen a closet spicer till now but I’m sureTinks and Winks What is it about her that is soooooo wonderful? I mean, let’s look at the facts: she’s american, which in any Who’s Been Caught This Weekon camera english person’s book, isn’t a good start: american usually means fat, loud and offensive, so why would that be attractive? Secondly (and possibly most impor- tantly for all men, apparently) she’s a virgin. Well, she claims she’s a virgin. So what’s so good about that? I don’t really want to go into the details of it (oh no, my column is a respectable source of entertainment and enlightenment - at no point would I ever go so low as to talk about sex or other silly topics, such as monkeys or underwear) and so again, I’ll leave that to the imagina- tion, but as far as I can see (and believe me, I’m no expert) that can’t be a good thing...so may be this could be a rather good example of men not quite thinking with their heads, but rather thinking with another, probably smaller, part of their anatomy. (we’re such simple crea- tures).

And the final point on her, which i suppose I’d better mention because that’s what she’s famous for, is her bloody awful excuse for shitting music: please - can anyone actually hold their hands up (orkind of nod if their hands aren’t available {chaps}) and tell me that they like her music, because if they do, I’m perfectly willing to go around to their house, and shoot them. That is, after all, what they deserve. Again, let us just look at what it is she has contributed to our delicate lit- tle lives over the past 18 months: poppy, jumpy, boun- cy tripe. Music that can at best be described as mind- numbingly populist, dust-bin wielding, hold-on-to-your- pants-because-you’ll-lose-all-your-senses, give-me-a- hose-pipe-up-my-arse-because-that’s-more-fun-and- maybe-give-me-a-malaria-jab-‘cus-I’m-off-to-some-far- off-country-to-get-away-from-her-and-while-you’re- there-subject-me-to-a-local-ritual-involving-the-loss-of- If you have any photos you wish to send into barefacts then my-toe-nails type wank - in short, complete and utter pants, and not even the attractive kind of pants that please send them to [email protected] or pop them into theyou’ll find in my wardrobe.

office in the Students’ Union I suppose she serves some sort of purpose, but I’m not quite sure what that purpose may be....perhaps she is secretly employed by kleenex tissues to help boost their sales, or maybe she’s been assigned by the mid- Personals dle-eastern dictatorships to run around europe and the rest of the world to illustrate just how awful the ameri- www.chipsanalretention.com A trip to Rossyland again, USSU cans are, giving them some sort of justification in want- Warrior? Sheep boy, please deflate Dolly and ing to blow everyone up, as well as the americans. (I USSU Fireball keep the noises down!! say do it - what have they got to lose). Three times lucky! But you’ll never get Wassup Chop! hold of The Speedo Man girlfriend!!! Anthos:RAAAAAUUUUUUUF…… With love from the one with the pink Rauf: what? But as I see it, she’s simply being a bit of a tart: pranc- Big up the Pads, the Ads and the Rue streaks, the one with the live rodent ing around in micro-mini hot pants and telling everyone Rue Rue and the one with the attitude!! Lou: whats this a personal message... that she was ‘born to make them happy’ whilst at the yeah thats exactly what is John same time protesting her virginal innocence seems a Beware the cellar animal, he wields theYeah, of course I’ve got my ticket little bit silly to me, and the sooner everyone else sees nuggets of justice Hannah! I hear they’re selling quickly Hannah: hello... polo this, as well as her gammy eye, the better. though, so you better buy yours soon! We may be bad(sniff), but we Scott; You the money man, You the “hit me baby one more time”. Indeed. Any chance we feel(pause) gooood Hey Dave, Have you bought your Money! Charity Dinner Dance ticket yet?? could make that fifty more times, love? by Rich W Lifestyle 20 26/10/00

Dr Russ

Dear Russ following. First of all it’s very important to keep calm. Don’t worry about pausing before A friend told me about a really diffi-you answer. Ask yourself what exactly they’re cult question which she was askedtrying to get at. They almost certainly want to during an interview. How is it best tofind out something about you which will show answer these? them whether you can do the job. Frame your answer in such a way that it says somethingARE YOU HAPPY PAYING TUITIONpurely academic criteria. Dear Lisa positive and relevant about you. It doesn’tFEES? have to be earth-shattering - just confident, Protection against the threat of differ- The very first question I was asked in my firsthonest and to the point. THIS COULD BE YOUR LAST CHANCEential or top-up feesso that the quality of ever job interview was “Tell me, Mr Clark, TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT… a student’s education is not determined by what prompted you to apply to our company?”By the way, if you really can’t answer a ques- an ability to pay and that higher education This wasn’t really a difficult question. Thetion, why not ask if you can come back to itOn Wednesday November 15th, Studentsis not divided by the creation of an expen- trouble was, I hadn’t prepared for it, so it waslater. It shows you’ve got the confidence toacross the nation have the opportunity tosive elite. ten times more difficult than it appeared. As aask and it gives the old grey matter a chanceunite with NUS to take part in the Grants result, I simply panicked. What could I possi-to mull over the question in the meantime.not Fees event in order to show the nationNUS have organised this and are cam- bly say - surely the truth is the best thing inThey might even forget they asked the ques-just how committed us poor students arepaigning hard on behalf of every student, emergencies I told myself. “Well, you phar-tion in the first place - but don’t bank on it! to the abolition of Tuition Fees, and this isso lets show them that surrey students are maceutical firms are all the same so I just our chance to do it with one huge impactwith them 100%. stuck a pin in it”. Russ Clark of a united voice. Months of planning have gone into making Careers Service sure this Grants not Fees event will not My intense relief at being able to blurt out the Some of you may well remember theonly make a huge impact but also that you semblance of an answer was march for education last year wherewill all enjoy it. If you support the cause matched by the look of abject 1,000’s of students marched across(i.e. you are not happy about the likely horror on the interviewer’s face. London and threw 100’s of rubber duckspossibility of leaving uni in a ridiculous She got rid of me as soon as into the Thames. Everyone that went hadamount of debt) then use your voice and she could and I was left licking a wicked time last year and this year thesign up in the union reception to join this my wounds. turn out could be even better, particularlyevent (or email me on s.westwell@sur- as it is a crucial time as the parliamentaryrey.ac.uk - free transport will be of course What could I have said? How elections approach. The Grants not Feesbe provided from campus to and from the about - “I’ve applied to you th event will begin at 11.00 am on 15event. We do realise that it may clash with because I believe your compa- November in Malet Street in London. Fromsome of your lectures but please be ny could make the best use of here everyone will then march together toassure that all university staff will be my abilities”, or what about “I Kennington Park where London Mayorinformed that students may wish to attend read about the kind of work you Ken Livingstone, NUS National Presidentthis and that all Trade Unions are support- require graduates to do and I Owain James and others will address theing this event so it should not be a problem must say it all sounds extremely rally. An added bonus this year to end thefor them to let you go. interesting”. Those answers day in a more celebratory style, there will may sound naff but at least be a special concert for all the studentsTickets for the after party concert (Artful they’re positive. participating held at Brixton Academy fea-Dodger, Freestylers, Manchild, Roni Size turing Roni Size/Reprazent, The Artfuletc.!) do have to be bought in advance. That particular question is one Dodger, The Freestylers and Manchild.You can still just come along to the rally which you are almost certain to We are also trying to organise for specialand march for free, it is not obligatory that be asked during the interview. t-shirts to be made so you might even beyou go the after party as tickets for this do The best way to deal with it is to able to take a memento of the day – itcost – but all those featured acts will be for plan your answer in advance. could make history after all! no more than £5 so it is a complete bar- In fact, it’s a good idea to make gain if you are considering it. More details a list of all of the questions Without action to eliminate unequalof how to buy these tickets will be avail- which you think they’ll ask and access to higher education, higher educa-able soon, please watch out on the web- consider how you would reply. tion may once again become the almostsite and on the Student’s Union notice exclusive preserve of the wealthy. Theboards. However, if you do get a ques- recent Cubie Inquiry into student funding tion which you are not expect- in Scotland highlighted many of the defi- ing, could I suggest you try the ciencies of the UK system and radicallyby Susie Westwell altered the policy of the Scottish Executive. Scottish students are now eligi- ble for income-contingent maintenance Cindy’s Minibus allowances and are exempt from upfront Every Monday Night tuition fee payments. Leaving Chancellors between 10pm –11.30pm NUS is calling for this Pick up from Cindie’s between 1.15am –2.30am system to be extend- ed to all students throughout the UK, just as the campaign- Hazel Farm ing worked in Scotland, with Every Wednesday and Friday Night enough support it can Pick Up at Hazel Farm Bus stop (University) 1.45am –2.45am work here in the UK too.

NUS is committed to: The restoration of targeted grants in orderto encourage potential students from poor socio-eco- nomic backgrounds into higher education without the fear of huge graduate debt. The abolition of tuition feesin order that education may be free at the point of entry, does not dis- criminate against those who can’t afford to pay and does provide entry on 26/10/00 Societies 21 Orthodox Notices AGM’s “Orthodox liturgy on Saturday 21/10 atducted by Father Aimilianos.One liturgy per ALL MEETINGS:-- ThursdayThursday 26th26th OctobeOctoberr Lady Chapel” month is predicted,their dates for the autumn Greensoc AGM semester being: ThursdayThursday 26th26th OctobeOctoberr 6.30pm Roots “ The Orthodox Society of UniS is about to Exec Committee 6pm GMR enter its second year in one month’s 21 October 25 November 9 December Monday 30th Octoberr time.Established last November by a group of FridayFriday 27th27th OctobeOctoberr Emotive AGM students,it aims at the representation of theAll of them will take place at Lady Chapel at Product Range Focus Group TB6 6pm Orthodox students of the University and the11:30.The plans of the Society for the current 5pm Helyn Rose Bar (e-mail provision of fundamental religious services toacademic year include a visit to the [email protected]) TuesdayTuesday 31st31st OctobeOctoberr them. monastery of Essex and -potentially- the invi- The Mountain Biking Club AGM tation of speakers who will talk about and will FridayFriday 27th27th OctobeOctoberr 6pm in TB23. The Society has had the support of Greekgive answers concerning the Orthodox reli- Finance and Services 1pm GMR Archdiocese of Thyateira and Great Britaingion,while it intends to stay in close co-opera- Wednesday 1st Novemberr from the beginning;this year however,Fathertion with both the Hellenic and Cypriot Wednesday 1st Novemberr Yoga AGM 5PM Aimilianos from the church of St. George inSocieties. Union Facilities Focus Group Venue to be confirmed Kingston-upon-Thames has expressed hisYou can visit our Webpage at: 3pm Helyn Rose Bar (e-mail will to help the Society by all means,enhanc- [email protected]) ThursdayThursday 2nd2nd NovembeNovemberr ing the Society’s potential to fulfill the religioushttp://www.ee.surrey.ac.uk/Personal/D.Kouba Arabic Society AGM needs of the -more than 700- Orthodox stu-roulis/orthsoc/ FridayFriday 3rd3rd NovembeNovemberr Venue to be confirmed 6pm dents of UniS. Events Focus Group where you can find a lot of useful information 5pm Helyn Rose Bar (e-mail ThursdayThursday 2nd2nd NovembeNovemberr A second point that is worth noting is that thisand join the mailing list of the Society” [email protected]) Islamic Society EGM 6.30pm year the Society managed to book Lady Venue to be confirmed Chapel(by Guildford Cathedral) for the organ-We also attach a photo which could be com- Monday 6th Novemberr isation of Orthodox Liturgies -a much moremented as following: Culture and Events Committee Monday 6th November 20000 appropriate place for worship purposes than“Orthodox Liturgy at Quiet 5pm GMR Karate Club AGM the Quiet Center which was used last year.Center(29/01/2000)” UniSport Studio at 21:40 Monday 6th Novemberr On Saturday 30 September the first Liturgy ofWe wish you a nice academic year International Societies Standing Wednesday November 8thh this academic year took place in UniS,con- 5.30pm LTE Mature Student Association AGM 1.15 Grant Mitchell Room (Union) Monday 6th Novemberr Societies Standing and Focus Group ThursdayThursday 9th9th NovemberNovember Emotive 6pm LTE Ultimate Frisbee AGM Time 7pm Emotive (Student Dance Company) AGM everyone student in this University. You do THURSDAYTHURSDAY 9TH9TH NOVEMBERNOVEMBER 20020000 Venue Teaching Block (tbc) Are You Dancing? - We’re Asking! not need to have any previous dance experi- SIS SKILLS SOCIETY ence just interest and enthusiasm, but if you ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING ThursdayThursday NovemberNovember 9t9thh Emotive is the University of Surrey’s very ownhave had dance training we would love to see TIME: 7:30PM - 9:00PM Nightline AGM - 18AD04 - 6PM student dance company. You may have seenyou too. We can attempt any dance PLACE: TB 23 us performing in the 1998 Union Talent Show,event/activity that you would like to do provid- ThursdayThursday NovemberNovember 9t9thh at the 1999 Fresher’s Fair or in unusual loca-ed there is enough support so please bringDesigning Web Pages - Wednesday 1 Third World Development AGM tions around campus like Chancellors! In ouryour ideas! We will be electing a new board to November (1pm - 3pm) 6.30pm - LTE short history we have run weekly dance tech-run the society and all posts are up for grabs nique classes and workshops. This semester(the previous board has all graduated!). The This training session acts as an ThursdayThursday NovemberNovember 9t9thh we are planning a one day workshop with Filipposts are: Chair, Vice-Chair, Secretary,introduction to the design of web pages Student Industrial Society AGM Van Huffel, Artistic Director of Retina DanceTreasurer, and two Board Members. We are aand is particularly aimed at those within 7.30pm TB23 Company. The day will culminate in a sharingvery friendly bunch so it can be a good laugh student societies. It will be led by the (informal show) of the work created during theand helping to run a society looks great onTeaching and Learning Support Unit with day. But more details about that will be publi-your C.V. If you would like to know what hold-the first hour being a visual demonstra- EGM cised later. If this sort of thing tickles youring one of these posts entails please contacttion followed by an hour's opportunity to fancy why not come along to our AGM onKat Bridge by e-mail [email protected] or practice. IslamicIslamic SocietySociety EGEGM Monday 30 October 2000 at 6pm in TB6. Allby telephone - ext. 54205. 2nd Nov, 6.30pm LTE are more than welcome. Emotive is not a Election of strategic committee members dance department society, we are open toBy Michaela Lucking All ISoc members please attend

successful round of pub golf including a group ‘mooney’ outside Yate’s. Rugby girls on the social

If you are reluctant to join up to a sports club because you’ve never played that particular sport before then don’t be. I had never even caught a rugby ball before my first training session and I soon caught on to the game. Women’s rugby Even if you end up being useless at the actual sport you can still attend the social When I was younger I often used to sit downevents although do make sure that you fol- on a Sunday afternoon with my Dad andlow ALL the rules because the penalties can watch the rugby. I never understood thebe severe. rules because as far as I could see, there weren’t any! The impression I got was thatAs the training sessions have progressed I have learnt how to tackle and how to be you get hold of the ball (the shape of which still puzzles me) and run as far as you cantackled and my arms have not yet fully until someone jumps on you and tries torecovered. Being a musician I was a wee bit break your arms and legs. Fairly simple.....orscared of being injured but apparently so I thought. injuries are quite rare and only happen when you don’t know what you are doing.(God I decided that it was about time I learnt thehelp me!) The only down side of rugby are the occasional piles of fox s*** that people proper rules so joined up for Women’s rugby and would definitely recommend other peo-with blue hair are prone to falling in. ple to do the same. The first session I went to was quite easy going with some runningI would recommend women’s rugby to any- one, (providing they are female, obviously) (well more like jogging and excessive breathlessness) and a bit of passing. Myespecially if you have a lot of aggression friends had all been teasing me for a weekand phenomenal drinking abilities. before I went, saying that I would have to turn into a butch lesbian to fit in but I soonBy Alison Danby proved them wrong. I think I passed the ini- tiation test with flying colours ,managing a Me and my flexable friend Sport 22 26/10/00 SurreySurrey PridPridee Mountain walking Review MOUNTAIN WALKING CLUB GOESUnion. As the bowling alley had beenelec eng students managed. Jon won thenot much else was happening. BOWLING! booked up until quite late in the evening, wegame with many many points, and Maddie all went to Wetherspoon’s for cheap drinkslost with very few points (could it possibleThis weekend 27-29th Oct we should be I figured you’d all be bored of reading aboutand to catch up on the week’s gossip/newshave been the wine?). Evan and Sannagoing to the Cotswolds. Details of this trip us by now, so instead of giving you a breakfirst. A few drinks later, we went to get thecoped extremely well as this was the firstwill be on the website as from Tuesday I thought I’d write about something different.bus, which was late. We were just about totime either of them had played, and Sannaevening. If anyone would like to come along Well, a change is as good as a rest, theytry a taxi as we saw the bus come up thescored a good few points! Everyone man-then please e-mail us at: mountainwalk- say. We didn’t actually go anywhere thisroad, so chased after it (pumping the alcoholaged to score a strike. [email protected] to see if we have any week, I’m afraid. We did, however have aaround our bloodstreams as we did so!). I last-minute places spare! Social Event, at the request of some mem-have never seen Jon run so fast! The “Speed Round” Mike instigated failed bers of the club. We went bowling (as you miserable when somehow the computerby The Mountain Walikng Team guessed from the title). Once we’d actually arrived safely at thestopped measuring our bowling speeds after Spectrum, we had to work out the computerthe second time round! It was a good laugh, The evening started as we all met up by the- thing. It took a while, but eventually theand it was nice to meet up on a week where 6 a side Football

Wednesday 18th saw the start of theThe second saw the side show theirbargain basement for some cheap six a side football competition at thebattling qualities with an excellent 2-0and cheerful players and found Jim Varsity Centre and in particular thewin against Godzilla, both goals beingand Cocktail Dave who alongside long second season for Real Wages withexpertly put away by Jim. The resultsterm returnee from injury Sicknote Chairman Jamie “Playmaker “ Staceyleave Real Wages second in theSteve and developing home grown and Player Manager Chip Monks atgroup with an excellent chance oftalent have helped form a good side the helm. The team played tworeaching the quarter finals. After thewho could be capable of anything matches in their group, the first sawgames manager Chip was askedespecially after that result in the sec- them comprehensively outplayed byabout his teams early form “Theond game” Real Wages next play on the defending champions CCSR 2-0.Chairman said there was no moneythe 2nd November for new signings so I looked in theBY J Stacey 26/10/00 Sport 23 SurreySurrey PridPridee Ski-XmasUniSport The One Step Route to a Happierthe date) we plan to do it all over again inthere, we’ll also fill all your accommoda- Christmas! Alpe D’Huez, once again doing our bit fortion needs, throw in full insurance to SOCIAL SPORTS PROGRAMME Anglo-French relations! keep your parents from worrying, dazzle With the last of those scorching summer you with a six day lift pass and if that stillYes, your sports representatives have been doing days over for another year and ourSo if you don’t fancy sitting at home inisn’t enough we’ll have our tour reps a great job organising you all to take part in the fix- speedos safely back in the cupboard forthe Christmas holidays, eating left overorganise a packed week of entertain- tures which all kicked off this week – Frisbee, th a while, the cold weather is well and trulyturkey for the 9day in a row, arguingment both on and off the slopes for you. Mixed Netball, Unihoc, Soccer, Volleyball, Squash setting in. Whilst, for the sun worshiperswith your siblings, watching re-runs ofAnd for those of you who have never and Mixed Soccer are all on the agenda and the amongst us, this may seem like a fairlyThe Two Ronnie’s Christmas Specialdone it before? For a small fee we’ll even emphasis is definitely fun. If you would like to play depressing thought, for the rest of us thisand Noel Edmond’s Christmas Gifts thenteach you how it’s done! for your department / society / hall of residence – it means it’s the start of the Ski andwhy not throw a scarf and some gloves in probably is not too late – players are always need- Snowboard season and that means it’sa bag and come on the one and onlyFor more information on the tour or on ed! Contact your representative today! P.A.R.T.Y. time! This year has seen theUniS Snow Tour. We leave on Friday 5th the Ski & Snowboard Club in general UniS Ski & Snowboard Club achieve aJanuary 2001 from Guildford and returntake a look at our web site at www.sur- whole host of things and the winter’s onlyon the Saturday before term starts backrey-ski.org.uk or call our hotline on NEW 5 – WEEK COURSES STARTING FROM th just begun. With, one successful pub(13). For the bargain price of 285 quid,07951 07 45 70 (Our operators are wait- TH crawl under our belts, a fair bit of dry ski-not only will we chuck in your travel anding to take your call). 6NOVEMBER ing and boarding, a handful of bruisessome welcome drinks for the journey out and just a scattering of embarrassing Yes, it’s not too late to enroll in some of our new stories (thanks to our naughty nurses for courses! Body Max (Monday Evenings and supplying most of them!) the club is well Thursday Lunch time), Golf (Thursday Evenings), and truly off and running into the new Squash (Wednesday Afternoons), and Badminton season. Workshop (Tuesday Evenings).

Training, racing, arseing about strapped All exercise and dance classes are on-going – so onto either one or two planks (depending do join in if you haven’t had time or opportunity to on which side you play for!) has already do so before now. New students and beginners are started but the highlight of the Club’s always welcome! year is yet to come. Last year saw us take 123 of Surrey’s finest on a weeklong trip to the Les Arcs in the French Alpes AEROBICS CLASS OPPORTUNITIES FOR A for what can only be described as FASTER WORKOUT debauchery. This year, however, (well next year if you want to get picky about Vibeke is putting particular emphasis on intermedi- ate and advance students at her Evening Aerobics class on Tuesday’s 6.30pm at the Sports Centre. Sorry she was unable to take your class last The Full MontyTuesday – the flu bug hit her.

Unisport boys Do Full Monty sold so therefore the boys got their kitwell away. Sophie’s open class on Thursday’s 5.30pm in the off!! A few rehearsals and before we knew it University Hall is the second class when those who As all you lucky girls out there are aware we were on the Union Stage giving it want a fun, fast, high impact class will enjoy the that the Full Monty was re-enacted byAs we are sure you would agree that thislarge. challenge! (She will give alternative moves for new the boys of Unisport. We were verywas a hard task to follow after the attendees as well so don’t be put off!) appreciative of the response that wefamous young talented group ofWe hope all enjoyed it and once again were given when the idea came about.Bewitched? Having said that after somethank you for your support. To your luck yes the 1500 tickets wereawesome Choreography from the Acting CHANGE OF FOOTWEAR Dance Manager (Sophie Wells) we were Now that winter is on its way we do ask if you can bring a spare pair of shoes when entering the Sports Center. This is to preserve the floors and equipment so please try and remember.

FREE WEIGHTS ROOM

AS you may have already noticed the free weights room is starting to get very busy therefore we do ask if you can return all weights back to their origi- nal place. Failure to do this is a breach of the health and safety act so must be adhered to.

This can also cause a serious problem for our female staff on evening duty so please make sure all weights are returned

SWIPING YOUR CARD

All members must swipe their card when entering the building. If you wish to train in the gym you will also be asked to swipe upstairs before training and leave your card in the rack provided. Failure to do this is, can be a fire risk, so please don’t forget to swipe.

Thank you.