12A Tuesday 13.11.12 The shortest-serving clubThe shortest-serving By Jason Burke Burke Jason By that shookIndia’s economy The businessdisaster and bust boom Between 54 days Aditya Chakrabortty Fiscal cliff explained Paralympic inspiration By MikeBrearley Michele Hanson I love the BBC Town CalledMalice How we made Shortcuts

Careers Brian Clough Entwistle should remember that, George Entwistle sometimes, short tenures can lead to immortality. Clough’s notorious and the Shortest 44-day reign as Leeds manager in Serving Club 1974 might have been embarrass- ing, but they ended up making a fi lm about it.

lthough it might appear Michael O’Neill A that George Entwistle In April 1999, O’Neill became the didn’t achieve very much new head of Barclays. Then, dur- in his 54 days as BBC director gen- ing his fi rst day, he became the eral – other than getting bellowed William Pulteney 2 days William Henry Harrison 30 days shortest-serving head of Barclays at by John Humphrys – the oppo- ever, after failing a medical. He site is probably true. For instance, suff ered from an arrhythmic Total Wipeout was on TV before heartbeat that was exacerbated he took the job. Now it isn’t. That with stress. At least getting and alone is probably cause for some losing a high-profi le job on the sort of footnote. Isn’t it? Entwistle same day isn’t too stressful. has also qualifi ed to join one of the most elite groups in history: Pope Urban VII the Shortest-Serving Club. The fi gurehead of the Shortest- Serving Club is undoubtedly William Pulteney Pope Urban VII, the shortest- William Pulteney, the fi rst Earl of serving pope . Yes, he only Bath, became prime minister on 10 managed to hold his job for 13 February 1746 and then resigned days in 1590, before passing two days later because nobody Brian Clough 44 days Pope Urban VII 13 days away from malaria ahead of his wanted to be in his cabinet. offi cial coronation, but in that Boris Yeltsin Sweyn Forkbeard time he still managed to pull off William Henry Harrison Entwistle kept his job for much Entwistle has also edged out the world’s fi rst smoking ban. Harrison was the ninth president longer than Boris Yeltsin. In 1998, Sweyn Forkbeard, who was Proof that it’s not the time you’re of the United States. As a show during his presidency, Yeltsin the king of England for a mere given that matters, but what of bravado, he took the oath of sacked his prime minister and fi ve weeks between 1013 and you do with it. Entwistle will do offi ce in a rainstorm on 4 March cabinet and declared that he was 1014. Sweyn did, however, well to remember this. After all, 1841 without a coat or hat, and going to be prime minister from name his oldest son Cnut, only a titan could get rid of Total then died of pneumonia a now on. Then a few hours later he which you have to admit takes Wipeout that easily. month later. changed his mind. some balls. Stuart Heritage

Music 1 The honeymoon period. Every- See: Westlife, whose second suit one is smiling. Photoshoots involve phase was prompted by the exist- Seven ages of a primary colours, larks and some ence in 2004 of rat-pack covers sort of trampette. The teen sen- album Allow Us To Be Frank. boyband – when sations pose in Santa outfi ts for to get the tattoo? festive photo shoots. 3 That inking feeling. Boyband See: Gary Barlow’s naked bottom members react to the fact that covered in red jelly . their lives arear no longer their own bbyy laslashingh out with a “risky” ike grief and the ages of man, 2 The suit phase. By albumalbum nnewew haircut, while public L boybands exist in seven two, boybandism hass smsmoking,o indie allegiances stages, and One Direction become a job . The anand tattoos are the next are already at the third. This week, lads – let’s call them sstep.t Harry Styles has unveiled his latest Antony, Lee, Duncann SSee:e Boyzone “wild- tattoo, while Zayn Malik has been and Simon – show mman” Shane Lynch. pictured – fag in hand – sporting how mature they are

a Nirvana T-shirt. Where’s your by ram-raiding Dolce Zayn Malik and Harry

favourite boyband right now? & Gabbana. Styles from One Direction Ê How to be Danish Big bang HHookedook on The Killing? Kuwait celebrated 50 years Shorter GoGot 280 euros to of its constitution at the sspare? You can weekend with the biggest cuts buy Sarah Lund’s fi rework display in history: latest jumper from 77,282 fi reworks, costing gudrungudrun. £10m, over an hour. Suck com. on that, the Olympics.

2 The Guardian 13.11.12 An image from Dronestagram showing the site of a US drone attack

Military studies Pass notes The website No 3,280 that reveals the Stepping US drone war aside

he military is normally Age: Pending. T only too pleased to herald Appearance: More of a disappearance, really. its successes, and to This is where James Bridle Sorry, you seem confused. I’m trying to explain a praise the courage of those who comes in. Using what little infor- new offi ce craze called “stepping aside”, in which put their lives on the line for their mation there is, Bridle, creator IN NUMBERS BBC executives temporarily leave their jobs. country. Perhaps it is the link (or of the New Aesthetic micro-blog, Oh right. Like taking a sabbatical? A bit like that, lack of it) between these two that has set up Dronestagram . By yes. Only you do it after something embarrassing encourages them to talk-up cer- marrying images from Google and $21m has happened. Payment by Apple tain missions, and come over all target details from the BIJ, he has Wait a minute … This is just posh talk for to license the Swiss sheepish when it comes to drones. started to show the places hit in Federal Railways a “suspension”, isn’t it? Not in the least! Being Unmanned Aerial Vehicles UAV attacks. clock design, suspended is when you’re told not to come to (UAVs) have been the one On his blog, booktwo.org , according to a report work while they decide whether to fi re you. unqualifi ed triumph of the war in Bridle argues that “ drone strikes in Tages Anzeiger. “Stepping aside” is removing yourself from the Afghanistan. That is, if “success” are the consequence of invisible, The company was offi ce for the duration of an inquiry. comes in an equation where lots distancing technologies, and a accused of copying Completely diff erent. I see. It began with the of people get killed, at next to no technologically disengaged me- it for a screen icon Newsnight editor Peter Rippon, who “stepped when iOS 6 was risk, at an aff ordable price. dia and society... ” The images on aside with immediate eff ect” on 22 October, released According to the Bureau of Dronestagram may be just “foreign in September pending the outcome of the Pollard review into Investigative Journalism , which landscapes”, but he hopes their his cancellation of an exposé of child abuse compiles fi gures on drone strikes, immediacy will add to the demand by Jimmy Savile. the US has killed up to 3,378 people for transparency. Earlier this year, This is on full pay, presumably? Presumably. in 350 drone strikes in the past eight Apple rejected an App that did So to “step aside” is to announce that you are years. And that’s just in Pakistan. much the same thing , apparently going to stop doing any work while continuing The US also orchestrates drone on the grounds that many people to get the money? I suppose so. strikes in Yemen and Somalia from would fi nd the content objection- No wonder it’s caught on. Not everybody is a fan, a base in the tiny African state of able. Not, presumably, the relatives though. The BBC’s head of news, Helen Boaden Djibouti ( which nobody is supposed of the civilians who are often inevi- (above), and her deputy Stephen Mitchell both to know about). But does the White tably killed in drone strikes, how- had to be “asked to ‘step aside’” from their jobs House want to talk about this? Not ever carefully targeted the attacks. on Monday morning. unless it has to. And not even then. Nick Hopkins “Asked to”? Not “told to”? That’s what BBC News says . Hang on. Is this the BBC News that’s being 4 Bye bye bye. Remember See: Backstreet Boys’ reported on, or the BBC News that’s doing the the member least excited Greatest Hits: Chapter reporting? “Step aside” is a quote attributed to to be wearing that Santa One, which pre-empted the former. The latter reports that the pair were hat? Well he’s off . Doing Kevin’s departure. “asked to”. Look, I will admit I’m quite confused. A Robbie only works if People should just resign, like that nice George you happen to be Robbie 6 The split. Unfortunately, Entwistle. He didn’t resign. What he actually said Williams (right). the rumours are true, and from on Saturday was that he would “step down”. See: Bryan “Brian” McFadden, last today there’s no more … Down? And that means he won’t come back and spotted apologising for 2011 date See: All of the above. he won’t get paid? Oh, he’s being paid all right. He rape-themed single Just The Way will get £450,000 – double what he was entitled You Are (Drunk at the Bar). 7 Rebirth. The band announces a to for resigning, but exactly what he would have

ROBERT NICKELSBERG/GETTY ROBERT tour, repackaged greatest hits and got for being fi red. 5 The band plays on. Even if the a brand new album the follow- So “stepping down” is like fi ring yourself? I don’t lineup is still intact, a greatest hits ing year. As with Doing A Robbie, know. I don’t know anything. Please don’t ask me will be deployed , usually with a Doing A Take That really only any more questions. protesting-too-much title such works if you’re Take That. Do say: “Sorry, I have a terrible hangover. I’d better as Volume One or The Journey So See: Most of the above; others TBA. step aside for a few days.”

COVER PHOTOGRAPH COVER Far. Then a member leaves. Peter Robinson Don’t say: “I blame Strictly Come Dancing.”

Flawed genius Contrite, moi? Texter-in-chief Polling guru Nate Silver didn’t Lance Armstrong has “All men are created equal. do so well predicting the 2010 tweeted this picture of LOLZ!” Daniel Day-Lewis UK election. According to the himself “layin’ around” apparently remained in blog Political Scrapbook, he beneath seven framed character throughout the forecast far heavier losses for Tour de France yellow fi lming of Lincoln – even Labour and big gains for the jerseys. texting his co-stars in the style Lib Dems. of the US president.

13.11.12 The Guardian 3

Aditya Chakrabortty Those predictions of Obama’s America falling off a ‘fi scal cliff ’? Just as in Britain, it’s the right peddling scare stories

he morning after Barack Obama’s Americans would form a government with whom, the press re-election, panic broke out. Radio 4 and commentators in fi nancial markets colluded T described fi nancial markets slumping are not in the pretence that the Great God of Gilts had no on worries over something called a about to time for democratic deliberations. Nick Robinson “fi scal cliff ”. The New York Times, was on TV heckling Lib Dems: “Are you not in normally drunk on its own sobriety, warned of a have a danger of playing both sides while the country “looming fi scal crisis” . Other newspapers and TV collective waits and the markets quake?” networks predicted an economic “abyss”, “peril”, And then, when Cameron and Osborne were even “imminent armageddon”. And that was Wile E safely installed in Downing Street, they regularly before you got to the blogs. warned that unless historic cuts were laid out The clock is ticking, apparently. Obama has Coyote now, the markets would treat Britain as callously until New Year’s Eve in which to strike a deal moment as Greece. The results we now know: businesses with the Republicans – otherwise nearly 50 tax and consumers sat on their hands; tepid recovery cuts will expire and the defence department was snuff ed out; Britain went back into recession, alone will get slapped with $1.2tn in cuts. Unless and even now our annual national income is some the Democrats give the Republicans what they 5% below what it was before the crisis. want in the form of further tax giveaways for the Democratic debate was railroaded; the wrong richest, the senator Mitch McConnell and his economic policy was followed – and it was all rightwing allies will block any attempt to extend done to avert a wildly infl ated threat. borrowing – with disastrous economic conse- Something similar is happening in the US this quences. It sounds like a budgetary version of the time. Not everything is the same, of course, since fi lm Speed; but this is the fi scal cliff Washington history rhymes rather than repeats. So the argu- is driving off . And the result will be another ment in the US is about avoidingav having too small, recession in the US (and, more likely than not, ratratherher thanthan too big, a defidefi cit next year; even right- around the world, too) and soaring unemployment. winwingg Americans acknowledgeacknowl that severe and No wonder ABC News calls it “taxmageddon” . sudden austeriausterityty would beb disastrous. There is just one problem with this version But tthehe budget hhawksawks iin the US do want Obama of events: it’s exaggerated. Distorted. More ttoo accept austerity over ttheh longer term; and, spiced-up than a bargain balti. what’s more, they have pplenty of money behind For a start, the very term is wrong. Even if the ththem.em. One ooff tthehe major fi gures in that debate is most bloodcurdling predictions are borne out, thethe private-equity baron there will be nothing cliff -like about 1 January PeterPet Peterson, who has his 2013. Americans are not about to have a collective own foundationfou and is pumping Wile E Coyote moment , in which they suddenly in millionsmil to push for a fi nd themselves paddling furiously in mid-air – “grand“g bargain” in which before the inevitable descent begins. This isn’t the Democrats are a cliff -edge at all; it’s more of a slope. forcedforced to slasslashh social security and Over a full year, the measures surely will be healthhealth spendingspend to avoid the fi scal devastating (enough, predicts the Congressional cliffcliff . WithWith tthat much money, he Budget Offi ce, to see the US economy go from hashas plentyplenty of allies in Washington, growth of more than 2% this year to shrinking too – includinginclud former Clinton by 0.5% next year). Most recipients of a payslip WWhitehite HouHouses offi cial Erskine Bowles, will not immediately clock that they are paying wwhoho is now bebeingi talked of as a possible a bit more in tax – although they certainly will new treasury secretarysecretary.. over the course of a year. But that gives the I can onlonlyy hhopeope tthathat AAmerica’sm Democrats learn Democrats plenty of extra time to come up ththeireir lesson ffromrom thethe BriBritisht experience. Because with their own proposal for a deal and haggle tthehe rightright here owned the language and framed with the Republicans. ththee debate. But tthathat waswasn’tn enough to defy Yet metaphors matter; and so does media noise. economic reareality.lity. Making out that some indescribable calamity is The US, like the rest ooff the west, needs to already inked into the calendar allows the right hhaveave a serious debate ababouto its long-term budget to hijack the Democrats’ budget plans even before outlook. But thatthat needs tot take into account how Obama begins his second term in offi ce. Britons ttoo reduce its debt fairly aandn sustainably and in a have had some experience of this. way thatthat allows forfor growgrowth.t Exactly the debate After the general election of 2010, as Labour, ththat,at, two years into its austerityau government,

WARNER BROS/EVERETT/REX FEATURES BROS/EVERETT/REX WARNER the Tories and the Lib Dems negotiated over who BBritainritain is still waitingwaiting to hhave.

This week Aditya bought a stack of old Grantas. “Five for £4 from Charing Cross Road, for all my

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH old favourites: Dirty Realism, Richard Lloyd-Parry from Indonesia, Philip Knightly on news …”

13.11.12 The Guardian 5 rive out of Delhi, across United Breweries, has a sprawling its planes stopped fl ying. There were the heavily polluted coastal villa in Goa and a dozen or so even reports, denied by Mallya, that the D Yamuna river, turn right other properties. Other tycoons live tycoon’s own private jet might be im- and head towards the behind high walls and broad green pounded by Indian airport authorities, new $400m Formula One lawns in mansions in the centre of which say Kingfi sher owes them huge track – India’s fi rst – at Buddh. Take the Delhi. Mukesh Ambani, the chairman sums. Some suggested that the man Noida expressway, a six-lane speedway of Reliance Industries and India’s described as India’s Richard Branson through what was farmland only a few richest man, has built himself a home might choose not to come back at all. years ago. Either side, skeletal concrete towering above the slums of the com- But the Kingfi sher saga is about monoliths rise among the remaining mercial capital of Mumbai. With a more than just 4,000 jobs, an airline, fi elds. They are apartment blocks, reported price tag of $1bn (£625,000), large amounts of public money and homes for India’s new middle classes. it is the world’s most expensive private the career of a maverick tycoon. It is Many projects have names that mix residence. about India. Economic growth is slow- supposed European sophistication with It is Mallya who is in the news in ing – falling below the level seen by a sense of bucolic rural idyll: Lotus India these days. Watching Sahara Force economists as necessary to keep up Boulevard, Gardenia Glory, Blossom India, the F1 team he leads and co-owns, with the fast-growing population – and County. Then there is the “Brys Buzz”, compete in the country’s second ever confi dence is faltering . There are huge an immense 81-storey glass and steel grand prix last month, the 56-year-old problems with key parts of the infra- skyscraper, which is apparently “a multimillionaire bullishly rejected any structure – as shown by the three-day dream born out of a vision to give the suggestion from reporters that he might power cut that hit hundreds of mil- super-rich the home they deserve”. have avoided the fi xture. After fl ying in lions in the summer. Graft is rampant, In fact the Indian “super-rich” can from overseas he asked: “Was there any the currency weaker than it has been aff ord something a little more exclusive. doubt about my presence here?” for years and public fi nances fragile. Vijay Mallya, India’s most fl amboyant Well, yes, is the answer. There was Cut-price tickets failed to boost tepid businessman and the chairman of the plenty of doubt. For Mallya, the self- sales for the F1, with a third less seats vast beer and spirits conglomerate crowned “king of good times”, has sold than in 2011. The pundits say that fallen on hard times. His seven-year-old is usual for a new grand prix, but like airline has been grounded after Mallya with his parties, his $95m yacht authorities suspended its licence to fl y and his calendar girls, like the $200 on safety concerns. Crippled by debts caviar pizza at the new luxury hotel in which may exceed $2bn, Kingfi sher had diffi culty paying employees’ sala- ries. When engineers downed tools,

Fall of an Indian hero Over the past 10 years the Indian economy has soared, and with it enterprises such as Vijay Mallya’s Kingfi sher Airlines. But now the super-rich tycoon’s fl eet is grounded and debt-ridden, does it mean the boom-time is over for India? By Jason Burke

6 The Guardian 13.11.12 Delhi, the event already seems part of economic growth to negligible levels good-looking, wealthy people. It meant an earlier time when nothing seemed in previous decades led to a boom being part of the new, booming India. capable of slowing, let alone halt- in private air operators. Mallya, who Kingfi sher was aspirational. ing the inexorable rise of India. And inherited the chairmanship of United Mallya put his own persona at the when everything was possible – even Breweries when he was 28, spent the heart of the brand. The traditional a high-end luxury domestic airline in early years of the post-reforms era Indian businessman had been a country where almost one toddler in consolidating its dominance in the reclusive, hardworking, traditional two is malnourished. beer and spirits market. As well as a and often pious. Mallya’s own father When it was launched in 2005, King- talent for self-promotion and a taste was low-key, gritty and obsessed with fi sher Airlines was intended to break for high living, Mallya showed acumen, accountancy. Many of the country’s the mould of Indian air travel. For determination, drive and considerable richest men – Ambani or NR Narayana decades, Indian travellers had put up appetite for risk. Kingfi sher beer Murthy, the co-founder of IT giant with a single national carrier. The eco- became a household name and the Infosys – are still in that mould. Mallya nomic reforms of the early 1990s that business of making it hugely profi table. was very diff erent, and represented a partially dismantled a socialist-style But Kingfi sher Airlines was a late very diff erent India. The infl uence of command economy that had limited addition to a crowded and tough market. decades of socialist ideology, of Gandhi Its USP was “glamour”. Flying King- and his asceticism, of a generalised fi sher meant being part of the King- distaste for conspicuous consumption fi sher world, a world of parties, fun and have waned rapidly. Other hierarchies beyond those dependent simply on money, such as caste diff erences, inherited prestige, title or offi ce, have become less sure too. “India had never had a leader, especially in business, who had been unapologetic about his wealth and enjoying his wealth,” said Saritha Rai, a columnist for the Indian Express. “New younger Indians see wealth as a gauge of status. They are more west- ernised and more materialistic.” They are also wealthier. In 1992, according to the World →

High rise … a child on the building site of a new housing estate south of New Delhi

PHOTOGRAPH STUART FREEDMAN/PANOS PICTURES 13.11.12 The Guardian 7 wrong. The champagne was fl owing and no one asked: who’s going to ride these planes?,” said Rohit Bansal, a former aviation journalist and business consultant. Bank, India’s gross national Kingfi sher shared its name with was: how did it come to this? Many ← income per head of population India’s most popular beer and the blame the imprudence of Mallya (GNI) was around $350 (£220). By link with high-living was reinforced himself, arguing that his emotional 2005, when Kingfi sher was launched, at every possible opportunity. Mallya attachment to the airline blinded him it had reached $700. Much of this new bought a franchise to run a team in the to hard economic reality. Others point money was concentrated in the “super brash new Indian Premier League, a to a broader responsibility, asking why rich” – one recent study found that bil- TV-friendly rapid-fi re cricket tourna- the banks and the regulators failed to lionaires’ wealth comprised less than ment, guaranteeing further publicity act sooner. According to the campaign- 1% of national income in India in 1996 in a sports-mad nation. The Mallya ing magazine Tehelka , “the Kingfi sher and more than 20% in 2008 – but even Collection, “comprised of hundreds episode, with its high-octane mix of in a country where “middle class” of cars in over 10 countries owned by politics and business and smell of really means “not desperately poor” sports enthusiast Dr Vijay Mallya,” cronyism has raised questions about there was much more cash being spent. got its own slick website. Images of the independence ... of India’s bank- “India is the youngest nation in the the tycoon, diamonds in his ears and ing system”. In fact, although Mallya world,” Mallya told an interviewer in his wrists, mane of greying blond hair sits in parliament as an independent 2007. “We have 500m people under 25, swept back, posing with bikini-clad senator and is known to have had good and 400m under 20. India has 1 mil- calendar models or Bollywood celebri- relations with a string of civil aviation IN NUMBERS lion university graduates each year. ties fi lled the society pages. ministers and regulators, his network- Today, these people are getting jobs in But there was trouble brewing. ing is barely worthy of comment by 95m industries that didn’t exist in my time, The fi rst warning sign was a series of current Indian standards. Recent years The cost, in dollars, in software and biotech. They want to unexpected fl ight cancellations at the have seen corruption scandals costing of Vijay Mallya’s live like kids in Europe with satellite end of last year. The company blamed the public exchequer tens of billions luxury yacht TV, cars, bars and restaurants.” They technical issues but the problems rap- of dollars but even in a country where also wanted to fl y. idly worsened. In a cut-throat business allegations of graft are common, no one But did they want to fl y Kingfi sher, with wafer-thin profi t margins, King- is alleging any wrongdoing by Mallya. with its owner who welcomed fi sher’s glamour simply did not make Anyway, the money came easily, 1 million passengers in pre-takeoff videos, money. Indeed, the airline was losing without any illegality. In the past fi ve The number of passengers Kingfi sher boasting in a plummy drawl of huge amounts of money, even before years, the debt of the 10 biggest cor- carried in May 2009 “personally picking” cabin staff and it became clear that India’s economic porate houses in the country to banks instructing them to treat customers growth had started to slow, and with has risen fi vefold. Mallya’s companies “as if you were a guest in my own it people’s willingness to pay over the are not among them, but the tendency home”? At fi rst it seemed so. odds for luxury. Kingfi sher soon had of Indian public lending institutions to 800m For several years everything went diffi culties paying for fuel, particularly lend vast sums on comfortable terms Mallya’s personal wealth in dollars, having been as planned – even if Kingfi sher never as costs were infl ated by surging oil to people who are already extremely relegated from Forbes actually made a profi t. The airline prices and punitive government levies. wealthy, rather than to small busi- list of billionaires expanded rapidly . In May 2009, King- Tax demands began mounting up. So, nessmen and entrepreneurs, is well fi sher carried more than a million pas- to, did claims for airport fees. Salaries established. “The banks’ mantra is to ssengers,engers, ggivingiving it the hhighesti market went unpaid. Through this spring recapitalise those who already have shshareare in India. An internationalinte and summer, further fl ights were cut. massive net worth, often without real service was launched.launched By 2011, Expensively leased planes stood idle. collateral,” said Bansal the consultant. India’sIndia’s GNI per capicapitat had dou- Key staff repeatedly walked out. A This cosy relationship is a key reason bled again to more tthan $1,400, Kingfi sher store manager’s wife killed for the extraordinary wealth of many andand Mallya was beingbei hailed as herself, leaving a note blaming fi nan- of India’s super-rich, recent studies a standard bearer for the new cial worries for her decision. Almost have concluded. It is at the heart of the wavewave ooff swashbucklingswas all employees stopped work. Shortly nation’s distinctive economic system, Indian entrepreneurs after the company’s licence was sus- dubbed “curry capitalism” by some – all while hav- pended by regulators on 20 October, commentators. inging fun. “It was civil aviation minister Ajit Singh told a The considerable leeway off ered to a timet when TV channel: “It is unrealistic to expect Mallya, particularly by public banks heh could not Kingfi sher to fl y again.” that may now lose very large amounts putp a step The question immediately asked of taxpayers’ money, may also simply

8 The Guardian 13.11.12 By Patrick Kingsley

Making democratic music The orchestra isn’t the fi rst place you would look for non-hierarchical democracy. Its music is sometimes seen as elitist, while its musicians are the head of the family business. Sid’s often (if not always) beholden to two onerous task in recent weeks has been individuals: the composer and the to scour the world for models for the conductor. next Kingfi sher calendar. Like his father, Tod Machover wants to change that. he is a fan of social networking. Recent A composer and inventor, Machover tweets have given some clue to how he Grounded … is currently writing a symphony about ‘We thought India has been spending his time . O ne read : (from left) a the city of Toronto in collaboration “Just spent the morning playing volley- Kingfi sher with not just the city’s orchestra, but was impregnable ball with 12 bikini-clad models on the aeroplane on the also its 2.6 million residents. beach … now I understand why people tarmac; a staff “It’s beyond crowd-sourcing,” and Mallya was hate me. HA!” protest march; he says over afternoon cake. “I There is a chance that Mallya senior and Vijay think of it as massive collaboration. may just yet bring things round. He has Mallya enjoys Crowdsourcing is a one-way ask for the embodiment just sold a huge chunk of his beer and the good life something very specifi c. Collaboration spirits empire and could potentially is something that goes back and forth, of that India’ use some of the $1bn the deal gener- and turns into something truly open.” ated to get Kingfi sher Airlines fl ying Machover already has a loose have been due to an almost irrational again. The Indian government recently backbone of the piece – but the rest collective desire to see Mallya succeed, eased restrictions on foreign invest- is up for grabs. He might give two of at all costs. Mallya’s victories were, ment in domestic air businesses, which the piece’s main chords to school- and still are, to a certain degree, those could, perhaps, see a new infusion of children, and ask them to come up of his country. “We thought that India capital from a big international carrier. with melodies that link them. For the was impregnable and Vijay Mallya As Kingfi sher’s licence was suspended, last few months, residents have sent was the embodiment of that India,” not cancelled, its planes can fl y as soon him recordings of their favourite city said Bansal. Well before launching as fi nancing and safety issues have been sounds, which he then turns into mu- Kingfi sher, Mallya had established his resolved. A deal with the unpaid staff sic at public workshops around the credentials as a patriot by spending by which some of the arrears in salaries city. He also uploads recently imagined millions of his own money to bring will be paid in coming weeks has, at sequences, and invites all-comers to the sword of 18th-century warrior least for now, ended the walkouts. improve them – often on Hyperscore, a king Tipu Sultan, seized by the British One recent Mallya tweet spoke of composing programme that simplifi es after a bloody war, back to India from relief at being relegated from the Forbes music notation . the UK. Though the champagne has list of Indian billionaires – he is now “A lot of the project has to do long stopped fl owing, Anjun Kumar worth a mere $800m (£500m) – as his with who’s actually responded,” he Deveshwar, a 33-year-old Kingfi sher new status will mean less “jealousy” admits – but even so, it has blown a maintenance engineer who had not and “wrongful attacks”. Another tweet usually conservative institution wide received his £2,000 monthly wage pointed to a degree, if not of contrition, open. “Orchestras are expensive. The since March, recently described Mallya then of somewhat embittered regret. “I economics make it more diffi cult to to the Guardian as “an Indian hero”. have learnt the hard way that in India generate much new repertoire now It is perhaps only when living in wealth should not be displayed. Better to than it was 100 years ago. So the India, and exposed every day to the be a multibillionaire politician dressed temptation is to turn the orchestra white heat generated by the desire of in Khadi [homespun cotton],” it read. into a museum institution.” so many people for a better life , that On the Sunday of the Indian Grand With the Toronto symphony, such adulation becomes comprehensi- Prix, the tycoon was at the F1 track, Machover wants the orchestra to do ble. “There are tens of millions of peo- cigar in hand, watching the race. the opposite: to democratise classical ple who are living vicariously through Vast advertis ing hoardings on circuit music, while still making something Mallya,” Saritha Rai, the columnist, approach roads, urging “C’mon India, that is creatively excellent. “I want said. “They know they could never raise the fl ag!”, declared Mallya’s it to be something that I feel proud reach his level of wealth but still think, drivers to be the only ones “powered of, and I don’t want to feel like I’ve maybe one day, it’s possible they might by the hopes of a billion people”. The just managed something,” explains just have a little bit of his lifestyle.” claim was hyperbole, of course. Most the man who, incidentally, created The tycoon has 1.46m followers on people in India have never heard of the technology behind the computer PUNIT PARANJPE/AFP/GETTY IMAGES; EPA/STR; PETER DENCH/CORBIS; GETTY IMAGES EPA/STR; IMAGES; PUNIT PARANJPE/AFP/GETTY Twitter. motorsports. But it was not entirely game Guitar Hero. But equally, he Opprobrium has instead been unjustifi ed. The hopes are certainly says: “I want something to be created directed on Mallya’s 25-year-old son there. And it would take more than the that I couldn’t have done by myself, Siddhartha, known as Sid, who has been failure of a single airline, “glamorous” and for everyone else to feel that

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS groomed as the tycoon’s successor at or otherwise, to dampen them. way too.”

13.11.12 The Guardian 9 ow is it that the Para lympics posite error is that we allow ourselves were so moving? Nearly Power of to be moved in the wrong way, with H two months later I still too much pity; we may go along with ask myself the question. exaggeration of suff ering, with a victim The memories have mentality in which resentment at the stayed with me – of the tears I felt at the the blade cards dealt one becomes more power- sensational courage, fi tness and desire ful than getting on with life. As analysts in the wheelchair 400 met res of David or therapists, we need to confront such Weir and his fellow competitors as they runners grievance and envy to enable patients who hammered their way, backs horizontal, are in their grip to become more respon- necks forward and raised, arms pumping; Two months after the sible for their actions and attitudes. like swans in fl ight above a river. Or the Paralympics, former England Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner, guided blind runners, young women told a story of his mother’s matter-of- hand in hand with male runners in the cricketer Mike Brearley is factness when trying to get him and 200m sprint, freed into lightness from still moved by the athletes his siblings to school on time: to his all inhibition. Or the women from Saudi and what they taught us all brother she said, in eff ect: “put on Arabia and Jamaica trying to warm your shoes, it’s time for school”; and themselves in the chilly evening breeze to Oscar: “and you, Oscar, put on your before putting the shot or throwing the legs. And hurry up.” javelin from sitting positions. Talking to the former England What lay behind my tears? Was it pity, cricket captain Andrew Strauss, and a patronising attitude? Or was it partly coach Andy Flower recently, I discov- denial of a real, though embarrassing, ered that their highly successful work- discomfort in relation to disability, an ing partnership in leading the team unease combined with triumph that was based not only on a similarity of we may all feel at some level? attitude to the team. They also bal- Or, more simply, was it a matter of Some of the athletes had inborn anced each other; Strauss (in Flower’s being moved by the courage of these limitations, other acquired. Those words) had remarkable empathy and sportsmen and women in overcoming in the former category will feel that support for his team, and earned their disadvantages? Though most of us their limitation is their norm, and may love. Flower, according to Strauss, was have not had legs blown off , or suff ered therefore feel uncomfortable when willing to ruffl e feathers when players from meningitis as children, we all people like me go on about their bravery. needed to be confronted. Empathy have nevertheless some inner knowl- “They can’t see what all the fuss is and confrontation – both are qualities edge of how hard it is to be unable to about,” says Ian Martin, the England needed by leaders, parents, teachers, do things that others can do, to feel and Wales Cricket Board’s head of coaches and, in fact, everyone. vulnerable or ashamed or humiliated. disability cricket . But I suspect these Paralympic athletics has perhaps One palpable feeling that stayed with people have nevertheless had to face come of age when ambition can be me afterwards was the sense that I, down the ridicule, embarrassment or robustly or even crudely owned, as in too, c ould now tolerate mmore,ore, and ffaceace mockery ofof others,others on top of requiring the men’s sprints, with accusations more, of the little and bigig obstacles ooff ththee same sort ooff ccourageo as that of their from one athlete (Pistorius) about the living; that I could live wwithith these OOlympiclympic collecolleagues.a length of another’s ( Alan Oliveira’s ) diffi culties, and go throughugh thethe proc- AAss a psychoanalystpsycho I am fortu- blades, while in the ensuing 100m there ess of struggling to learnn new skills, nate to be pprivyriv to similar strengths were two tense and touchy false starts, new competences. I (andnd you) can and courage,courage, mainlym in relation to even possible gamesmanship in keeping learn from these athletes;es; tthehe psycpsychologicalhologica limitations. I can be other runners waiting. Disabled athletes experience of watching tthemhem upupsetset or troubled by others’ are not exempt from the tensions and can result in a calmer, lessess prproblemsoble and diffi culties, temptations of a fi erce desire to win. anxious, frame of mind.. I bbutut I can also admire and All of us have our limitations, our think all present also rec-c- be touchedt by people’s misfortunes, our disabilities and our ognised a shared sense ooff eeffff oorts to make the best disadvantages. We all have the choice generosity in the crowd;d; of a bad job without between underplaying our vulnerabili- the powerful insular pas-s- manimanicc attempts to deny ties (and then being prone to manic sion and patriotism did not push the pain,pain, without shifts to fl ight, addictions, escapes and retreats out respect and admirationtion fforor susuperiorityperiority oro to callous indiff er- of all kinds) and overplaying them by all the athletes. ence as meameansn of dealing with becoming victims . As I think back to thee eex-x- envy or a sesensen of inadequacy. We can, in short, learn a lot from traordinary events of earlyarly SeSep-p- Some patientspatient are remarkably free the Paralympic athletes. Their tember I also refl ect on hhowow we ffromrom ggrievancerievanc – or they struggle predicament is ours, writ large. And reacted diff erently to diffiff erent pluckily with thisth familiar tendency. something of their achievement, made classifi cations of event – fromfrom TTherehere aarere twtwoo main sources of possible by lottery funding and the athletes with magnifi centent phy-phy- error thatthat we aass analysts or thera- state’s commitment, could be ours. siques (the blade runnersers had ppistsists may fall intoi in relation to A touch of nature makes us all akin. an air of mythical beings,gs, larlargerger pspsychopaychopatthologyholo or psychological The experiences of all of us watching than life) to others withh momorere ddisability.isability. One isi to lack empathy, the Paralympics may result in such pervasive and severe disabilities.isabilities. ttoo fail to compcomprehendr and take on outcomes; I hope they will persist, GARETH FULLER/PA ANDRE CAMARA/I-IMAGES ssomethingomething ooff ttheh burden of suf- that the small fi res lit at the end of Will to win … gold ffering,ering, botbothh tthathat wwhich is directly the closing ceremony create a grow- medallists Jonnie Peacock expressed and thathatt which is projected ing heat, at both individual and public

and (top) Ellie Simmonds and given given to us to experience. The op- levels, in sport and beyond it. PHOTOGRAPHS

10 The Guardian 13.11.12 Women

udit Polgar is a phenom- Polgar … ‘I grew up in a very enon . She is not just the best special atmosphere’ J woman chess player of all time; she is the best by a mile. a closed circle and then we went out Chess grandmasters (note playing chess and saw the world. It’s master! – traditionally, chess barely a very diffi cult life and you have to be recognised the existence of women) very careful, especially the parents, who have offi cial ratings. Polgar is the only need to know the limits of what you can woman in the world’s top 100; at her and can’t do with your child. My par- peak, and before she had two children, ents spent most of their time with us; she was in the top 10. they travelled with us [when we played In December she will pay a rare abroad], and were in control of what visit to the UK for the London Chess was going on. With other prodigies it Classic and do what she has always might be diff erent. It is very fragile. But done – play as the lone woman against I’m happy that with me and my sisters it eight top male players, including world didn’t turn out in a bad way.” champion Vishy Anand and world No Top chess players can be 1 Magnus Carlsen. Aggressive at the dysfunctional – think Bobby Fischer, board and now getting back to her best who Polgar knew when he lived in after a mid-career slump when her Budapest in the 1990s – but Polgar is results were poor following the birth of relaxed, approachable and alarmingly her second child in 2006, she will give well balanced. After her 2006-09 slump, as good as she gets. she says she worked out how to juggle Does it feel odd to be playing against a career in competitive chess with a fi eld of men? “For me it is very natu- having two young children, running a ral,” she says. “I started when I was chess foundation in Hungary, writing fi ve, and grew up playing against adults books and developing educational and against men most of the time.” She programmes based on chess. “My life is never accepted the path many leading very complex and rich now,” she says. female players take, competing in sepa- Has she struck a blow for women by rate women’s events and aiming at the showing they can compete with the women’s world title. She took on all- best men? “There are many guys who comers from an early age, became the say: ‘OK, you are an exception, so you then youngest ever grandmaster (male prove the rule. Show me the next.’ or female) at the age of 15, and didn’t I say: ‘Yes, I am so far exceptional, but bother competing for the women’s I don’t think I will be the only one in world championship because she could the upcoming decades.’” Women’s have won it in her sleep. She simply chess is getting stronger, more girls are aimed to be the best in the world, playing at a very young age, and strong regardless of gender. women players are emerging from China Polgar, who was born in Budapest, When the and India. Chess would benefi t from is one of three chess-playing sisters. an infl ux of women able to compete The eldest, Susan , was women’s world with the top men, because it would champion; the middle sister, Sofi a, add spice to a pursuit that struggles for was an international master; but Judit, master is media attention. The fi rst ever world hard-working and with an immense will title match between a male and female to win, proved the strongest of all. The player would generate huge interest. three were part of a controversial experi- Polgar came close to the summit – ment conducted by their teacher father a woman she was eighth in the tournament to Laszlo, whose contention was that “gen- determine the world champion in 2005 iuses are not born, but made”. He taught Judit Polgar was the youngest ever – but, at 36, realises that the chance his daughters at home – the curriculum to compete for the world title won’t included Esperanto – and drilled chess grandmaster at 15 and is the best female come again. Forty is a watershed for top into them from an early age. players, and many start to ease away “I grew up in a very special of all time. When will more join her at from serious competition, but she has atmosphere,” she says. “Everything the top of chess, asks Stephen Moss no thoughts of retiring. “I don’t like was about chess. I learned from my ‘never, never, never’,” she says. “I don’t sisters and won my fi rst international think I could ever say that I will never competition at nine years old.” Did she play again, because even if I felt I could resent being part of her father’s experi- never play in top-class tournaments ment? “In the beginning it was a game. again because I don’t have time for the My father and mother are exceptional preparation, after a while you might one pedagogues who can motivate and tell day think: ‘maybe, maybe, maybe … it from all diff erent angles. Later, chess why not?’” for me became a sport, an art, a science, everything together. I was very focused The London Chess Classic is at Kensington on chess, and happy with that world. Olympia, London W14 from 1-10 December, I was not the rebelling and going out hosted by Chess in Schools and Communities. type. I was happy that at home we were www.chessinschools.co.uk

13.11.12 The Guardian 11 Women

They need an education Roma girls leave school at 10 on average. What can be done about it? A certain age Michele Hanson

Florina lives in a two-room house with Rotten luck if you work for the BBC. no running water in Targoviste, a city IN NUMBERS It’s almost as bad as being a social north-west of the Romanian capital worker. Damned if you do, damned Bucharest. Despite the smiles of her four if you don’t. A few of you cockup oldest children, who crowd around to 30.9% atrociously, and then the whole cuddle their two-month-old brother, her Percentage of most organisation must be lashed like a family faces crisis. “I haven’t paid rent senior jobs held by boatful of galley slaves. women across 11 key since January. I’m borrowing money to They even lash themselves. I heard sectors survive but I’m in great debt. I earn what someone doing it on the radio last I can by collecting bottles on the streets week. He was questioning a hopeless, for recycling, but it’s not enough.” miscreant, BBC weed mercilessly, Florina dropped out of education 29.7% on and on and on. when she was 10 – the average age at Percentage of senior Rosemary couldn’t stand it. She which Roma girls leave school. Illiterate level jobs held by switched off . But I lasted longer than and unskilled, any job she does secure women in news her. The Weed was fl ayed alive. is likely to be for minimal pay. media I don’t mind a bit of fl aying. I just Studies into the status of Roma don’t like total removal of all skin. Why women in eastern Europe suggest that ask 50 questions, when 25 would do? Florina is not alone. While the educa- Florina Milos (pictured with her son) 1.3% But I suppose the public wants blood, tional divide between Roma and non- dropped out of education aged 10 Percentage of top and I suspect our government wants Roma populations is stark, within the jobs held by women the last drop, because to them the BBC community, it is women who fare worst. “We show mothers the benefi ts in the armed forces is stuff ed with Bolsheviks, and worse A 2004 study by the United Nations of school,” says Danela Gatlan, head still, not yet privatised. found that a third of Roma women living teacher at Mihai Viteazul School, And so I feel obliged to defend in south-eastern Europe are illiterate, Targoviste. At the upper echelons of the BBC to my last breath. I love compared with a fi fth of Roma men. the EU, the benefi ts of improving Roma the BBC. It’s been with me all my More recent research carried out by access to education are acknowledged. life, from The Flowerpot Men, Dick FROM THE Unicef in Albania shows a similar gender Roma represent a growing proportion BLOG Barton, Quatermass and The Secret gap – Roma women there spend an aver- of the European workforce, making up Garden, to The Thick of It, Sarah age of 5.5 years in education, a fi gure for more than a fi fth of new workers in ‘The man at the Lund and EastEnders, with loads of which stands at eight years for men. countries such as Romania. top has to take David Attenborough most of the way But so far, EU initiatives have had responsibility for through, among a million other gems. ‘Prostitution is a problem’ little impact. And while Save the Chil- what’s broadcast’ And no adverts. In Romania, education is free but dren’s project has proved successful – David Dimbleby I can’t live without it. Music while I (below) equipment, and shoes to wear when – the majority of children who attended work, Radio 4 in the bath, World Service But does it always trekking through snow to get to school last year’s programme performed above have to be a man? when I can’t sleep. I even have a Ship- in winter, are not. Desperate poverty the average by the end of their fi rst guardian.co.uk/ ping Forecast drying up cloth. “We map – combined with traditions such as school year, regardless of gender – plans women our lives to it,” says Rosemary. “We have early marriage or, more commonly, to expand the project were suspended our rituals. Walkies, then market, then the belief that girls should care for after the Romanian government failed back for Week in Westminster and From younger siblings – means many do to deliver EU funding on time. Our Own Correspondent. I love them not complete school. It is seven years since European whizzing round the world. Without it But a lack of education has last- governments signed up to the Decade my life would be almost meaningless. ing consequences, says Sorina of Roma Inclusion , an initiative that We ring each other with instructions. Fekette, a social worker in Bucharest. also highlighted the needs of Roma Listen to/watch this, that or the other. “Domestic violence is a problem – so women. But there has been little help Wouldn’t you be heartbroken if it was all is prostitution,” she adds. “It’s the for Elena, a young mother. lost?” Yes I would. only way they can earn money. If their “My oldest daughter says she “I’ve seen what happens when husbands leave, they are powerless.” wants to become a nurse. I explain you don’t have a proper BBC,” warns Florina insists that despite fi nancial that is not a possibility now because Fielding, who has just returned from pressures, she won’t let her children we don’t have money for college. We downtown Brooklyn. “You get American drop out of their school, which is run will manage somehow, I hope. For mainstream telly. It’s compulsory by Save the Children. Established to now I tell her to study.” misinformation and brain-rot.” THE CHILDREN;GARETH FULLER/PA LUCZAKOWSKA/SAVE AGA help Roma children access education, Rebecca Ratcliff e Give us Newsnight any day. We and funded through the Ikea Founda- still love it. No one’s perfect. Not tion, it does not charge for the equip- To support the Ikea Foundation’s campaign (till even Lord Reith. And I heard all about 23 December) go to ikeafoundation.org ment or dinners provided. him on BBC radio. PHOTOGRAPHS

12 The Guardian 13.11.12

Theatres London

Adelphi Theatre 0844 579 0094 Aldwych Theatre 0844 847 1712 Ambassadors 08448 112 334 Duchess Theatre 0844 412 4659 LYRIC THEATRE 0844 412 4661 St James Theatre 0844 264 2140 NOW PREVIEWING TOP HAT STOMP OUR BOYS THRILLER – LIVE! DADDY LONG LEGS THE BODYGUARD "A musical like this comes around Mon, Thu-Sat 8pm Tue-Fri7.30, Sat 4&8, Sun 3.30&7.30 A new musical Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 3pm once in a lifetime." Sunday Tel Thu, Sat & Sun 3pm, Sun 6pm Garrick 0844 412 4662 Flyingmusicboxoffice.com Directed by John Caird www.thebodyguardmusical.com Tue-Sat 7.30, Tue,Thu & Sat 2.30 book online loservillethemusical.com www.stjamestheatre.co.uk www.tophatonstage.com APOLLO THEATRE 0844 412 4658 New London Theatre TWELFTH NIGHT LOSERVILLE the Musical 020 7452 3000 / 0844 412 4654 RICHARD III Mon-Sat 7.30pm, Wed & Sat 3pm St Martin's 08444 991515 In repertoire Tickets from £10.00 - £49.50 WAR HORSE 60th year of Agatha Christie's Tickets released every day Warhorseonstage.com Shakespearewestend.com THE MOUSETRAP NOVELLO 0844 482 5115 Evenings 7.30 Mats. Tues 3 Sat 4 'ABBA-Solutely Fabulous' D.Mail www.the-mousetrap.co.uk APOLLO VICTORIA 0844 847 1696 MAMMA MIA! WICKED Mon-Sat 7.45, Thurs & Sat 3pm, Vaudeville Theatre 0844 412 4663 WickedTheMusical.co.uk www.Mamma-Mia.com Mon-Sat 7.30pm Wed & Sat 2.30pm UNCLE VANYA Piccadilly Theatre 0844 871 3055 Mon - Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30 ARTS THEATRE 020 7836 8463 VIVA FOREVER! A Radio Play by Samuel Beckett Based on the songs of the Spice Girls Wyndham’s Theatre 0844 4825120 Directed by Trevor Nunn Book by Jennifer Saunders From 27 November | £20-£67.50 DREAMBOATS ALL THAT FALL www.VivaForeverTheMusical.com & PETTICOATS Cast includes Eileen Aitkins And Michael Gambon GIELGUD 0844 482 5130 PINTER 0844 871 7622 CHARIOTS OF FIRE ALAN AYCKBOURN’S ***** 'A magnificent triumph' A CHORUS OF DISAPPROVAL CAMBRIDGE 08444124652 Mail on Sunday achorusofdisapproval.com Roald Dahl’s Mon-Sat 19:45, Wed & Sat 15:00 chariotsoffireonstage.com MATILDA THE MUSICAL Prince Edward 0844 482 5152 Tue7Wed-Sat7.30Wed&Sat2.30Sun3 www.matildathemusical.com HER MAJESTY'S 0844 412 2707 JERSEY BOYS THE BRILLIANT ORIGINAL Winner Best Musical! Oliviers THE PHANTOM OF Tue-Sat 7.30,Tue&Sat 3pm, Sun 5pm Criterion Theatre 0844 847 2483 London’s Funniest Comedy THE OPERA QUEEN'S 0844 482 5160 Mon-Sat 7.30, Thu & Sat 2.30 The 39 Steps www.ThePhantomOfTheOpera.com LES MISERABLES Mon-Sat 8pm, Wed 3pm, Sat 4pm WINNER! 2012 Olivier Audience Award London Palladium 0844 412 4655 Eves 7.30, Mats Wed & Sat 2.30 DOMINION 0844 847 1775 TOMMY STEELE in www.LesMis.com WE WILL ROCK YOU THE SPECTACULAR MUSICAL by QUEEN & BEN ELTON SCROOGE Savoy Theatre 0844 871 7687 Mon-Sat 7.30, Mat Sat 2.30 Will Young as Emcee Michelle Ryan as Sally Bowles Extra show last Wednesday LYCEUM 0844 871 3000 of every month at 2.30 book online www.thelionking.co.uk CABARET www.wewillrockyou.co.uk Disney Presents

THE LION KING Shaftesbury Theatre 0207 379 5399 DRURY LANE 0844 871 8810 Tue-Sat 7.30, Wed, Sat & Sun 2.30 For Group/Education rates call ROCK OF AGES SHREK THE MUSICAL 08448717644 / Disney 02078450949 THE SMASH HIT MUSICAL Entertainment Style Q&A

Why does the Victoria’s Secret fashion Diddy and Justin Timberlake who, one show get so much publicity? I don’t Ask Hadley imagines, don’t need too much persua- see anyone giving a hoot about sion to spend an evening with models Ann Summers’ new range Here’s the grubby truth in their underwear. Mollie, London There are only two reasons to have about Victoria’s Secret and a fashion show for underwear, and I Last week was a great week for speak as someone who likes fashion fashion hypocrisy. There was the its so-called fashion show shows and nice lingerie: to create the Kardashian Kollection for Dorothy illusion that this brand is something Perkins (although I do think it’s a more than a meh underwear label, and shame they haven’t yet made a range to get men off . for Kenzo as then it could be called Websites, magazines and, in par- KKK), a pairing that plumbed new ticular, tabloid newspapers that gener- depths. According to a spokesman for ally ignore fashion shows altogether the store, the Kardashians are bring- cover the Victoria’s Secret show with ing their “exciting style to British high thigh-rubbing enthusiasm, delighted streets”, as well as, coincidentally, easy at having an excuse to publish pictures publicity for the oft-overlooked store of young women in underwear and while subjecting the British public to ‘The brand I walked past the newly opened angel wings, and no one covers it more sub-Jane Norman clothes. Victoria’s Secret store on New Bond enthusiastically than that bastion of Then there was the interview with is the Street the other weekend and there moral anxiety MailOnline. Kate Moss in Vanity Fair in which Moss Playboy of were passing female tourists having Now, to accuse MailOnline – the talked at length about how being told to their photos taken by their boyfriends home of “Smartphones are sexualis- pose topless as a teenager made her so underwear and husbands in front of the angeli- ing children” and “Hard to believe miserable it nearly drove her to a nerv- companies’ cally themed window displays. Photos! she’s only 16! Kendall Jenner looks ous breakdown. So how did Vanity Fair You don’t get that in front of La Senza, older than her years as she shows off decide to illustrate this heartfelt and which is all, really, Victoria’s Secret is – her model shape in a stunning bikini rather astonishing interview? Why, how but with an American accent. shoot” – of hypocrisy is to slap one- else? By getting Moss to take her top How has this company done this, self in the face with the giant hand of off and pose for three closeup photos, you ask? I will tell you: it has done it obviousness. But it is hard even for us in one of which she is on all fours and, by openly encouraging menfolk every- old hands of MailOnline bullshittery apparently, imitating a dog peeing.ng. wwherehere to masturbate over its wares. not to admire its shamelessness in run- But in the fashion-hypocrisy ““Victoria’sVictor Secret is known for its cat- ning around 30 stories on the Victoria’s competition, the extensive coverageerage ooff aloaloguegue andan annual fashion show,” reads Secret show. The Mail generally hates the annual Victoria’s Secret showw is, by the company’scomp commendably po-faced fashion shows as it believes that they a healthy measure, the winner. WikiWikipediaped entry. Indeed. In the US, cause anorexia. Yet its outrage dims Let’s be clear about this : Victoria’soria’s ththee Victoria’sVic Secret catalogue has when the models – the same models Secret is a lingerie company. Not a becbecomeo so infamous that it is now who appear in the usual shows – are particularly posh one, not even ususede as a shorthand for easy- walking on the runway in underwear a particularly nice one, just a aaccesscc quasi porn in US sitcoms as opposed to haute couture. run-of-the-mill knickers manu- ((FriendsFr was especially fond of A lot of men like looking at women facturer that has managed to con-- rreferencingef it ). in underwear. And that’s OK! But at vince a lot of people that it is some-me- TThe fashion show has taken least be honest about it and admit thing special and i s now the largestst this to a wwhole new level. Because that’s all the Victoria’s Secret fashion US manufacturer of lingerie. It is ththee VictoriaVictoria’s’s Secret is so lucrative, it can show is. This isn’t “the most popular Playboy Club of underwear manufac-ufac- aaffff ord to drag in improbably successful fashion show in the world”: it’s just a WIREIMAGE turers, selling an insultingly retrogradeograde models toto wear their tacky lines and live-action Loaded magazine. vision of femininity (from Playboy:oy: to hhireire exexcellent stylists who make the bunnies, from Victoria’s Secret: angels),ngels), whwholeole tthinghi look a bit less “La Senza on Post your questions to Hadley Freeman, Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, which some women, for reasons wwhollyholly the rurunway”.nw They then haul in cheesy 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS unclear to this column, buy into.. sleazehosleazehoundsu including Justin Bieber, [email protected]

13.11.12 The Guardian 15 Arts

ackson Pollock and David shade darker with a small brush. While Hockney are a strange coupling. Pollock works up a rhythm on one J They occupy the fi rst room screen, a naked young man plunges of Tate Modern’s new into a pool on the other. exhibition A Bigger Splash: And fire! The room seems to be all about Painting After Performance. The 1948 oppositions: vertical and horizontal, Pollock, called Summertime: Number Niki de Saint Phalle shot paint- spontaneity and calculation, fi guration 9A , sits on a raised section of fl oor, and abstraction, gay and straight. under glass, with a clip of Pollock fi lled balloons. Yves Klein used Hockney took two weeks to paint the playing above it . On the other side of splash caused by a dive, with its little the room, Hockney’s 1967 A Bigger women as brushes. So why does passages of tiny dots, curly white lines, Splash hangs alone. Nearby, footage of Tate’s new show about painting and carefully executed passages of the artist’s glamorous California life overlayed hatching and tonal gradations. and loves plays on a screen. and performance feel so safe? The Pollock just seems to happen. But I try to listen to Pollock talking, so what? In the end, a Pollock is as cal- but my concentration is shattered by Adrian Searle wants more dirt culated as a Hockney, and the pairing a phone ringing in the Hockney clip. feels like an irritating academic conceit. “Hi Jacko, it’s David,” I imagine the All painting is a kind of performance. conversation going, as they swap paint I guess curating is, too. Bodies present recipes. But it doesn’t happen. In the and absent are at the heart of this Pollock fi lm, the artist spends a long awkward and largely disappointing time struggling into his spattered old exhibition, which sets out to examine workboots before leaning over a the relationship between painting and skinny length of canvas , loading a performance art since the 1950s. Niki de brush , then dribbling and fl icking paint Saint Phalle used a gun to shoot holes over it, fi rst from one side, then the in paint-fi lled balloons stuck to lumpy other. Meanwhile, Hockney looks canvases . Kazuo Shiraga suspended owlish and neat in round glasses as he himself in a kind of Japanese rope tints the coiff ure of a male portrait a bondage over a canvas and painted

16 The Guardian 13.11.12 Present imperfect Video: Adrian Searle talks to painter Alex Katz about 60 years of capturing the moment guardian.co.uk/art

with his feet. This is a famous mess. Clockwise from main, Niki de Saint The Viennese actionists Otto Muehl and Phalle’s Shooting Picture, 1961; Günter Brus and their friends mud- Inhabited Painting, 1975, by Helena wrestled in paint, which was even Almeida; With a Throne, 1986, by messier, but not as shocking as Stuart Zsuzsanna Ujj; Jean Cocteau, 2003- Brisley’s performances – which, in black 2012, by Marc Camille Chaimowicz and white photographs, look distinctly coprophagic, a kind of dirty protest. early photoshoot guises, and the (There’s too much photography here.) gender play of Andrew Logan’s Video footage of Yves Klein using Alternative Miss World , of Leigh Bowery , naked women as living brushes or Urs Luthi and others all tell us some- stencils is accompanied by a blue thing about how gender – as well as age monochrome that has nothing to do or race – can be performed through with his Anthropometries , as the dress, cosmetics and body language. canvases that came out of these staged But surely this is another show? This is performances were called. This is a pity. something other than painting. A Big- Similarly, the fi lm of Brazilian artist ger Splash nods to queer aesthetics and Hélio Oiticica and his friends dancing politics, to the transgression of social while wearing his painted capes needs and artistic normative values, but it to be screened larger for the euphoric, doesn’t go nearly far enough. It short- languid energy to come across. But I changes its subject. Much of it is little did enjoy the repeated up-crotch shots more than a checklist – a bit of photo- of Oiticica’s unartistic underpants. documentation here, a video there, Oiticica went on to commission a a lone unstretched painting here. series of photographs of drag queen A few photographs of Portuguese Mario Montez on the streets of New artist Helena Almeida walking between York . There’s quite a bit of cross- canvas stretchers, or overpainting her dressing, body paint and slap through- refl ection in a mirror, give very little out the show: Warhol as Marilyn , idea of her powerful performance Zsuzsanna Ujj painting a skeleton on works. The piece with mirrors and blue her own skin. Paint can be like mud electrical tape by Polish artist Edward or faeces, and it can be delicate as Krasinski is interesting enough, but to makeup; it can adorn or besmirch, really understand how bizarre his work beautify or degrade. I wish there were is, you need to visit the late artist’s pre- a bit more of it here, and a few more served Warsaw apartment, which I was real performances. So many of the lucky enough to do last year. Krasinski artists here cry out to be dealt with in had a perverse and absurd approach to their own full-on, ecstatic, dirty, living and performing the role of the smelly, sexy, theatrical, orgiastic, artist that doesn’t come across here. atavistic, abject and even frightening At least Marc Camille Chaimowicz ’s ways. But they’re not. It all feels like room-sized installation, loosely themed a very goody-two-shoes Tate show. around Jean Cocteau , has the feeling of Everything is kept at a distance. What a whole world – with its wallpapers and the show rarely does is give you the furniture; paintings by Vuillard, Marie feeling that paintings, let alone Laurencin and Duncan Grant; a Warhol performances, are made by bodies. Electric Chair screenprint; and numer- We are tethered by earphones to ous furnishings either built or arranged video screens, kept on the threshold of by Chaimowicz himself. Sadly, you can stage sets in which there are no only stand on the brink, looking in. It performers. There is very little sense of does, however, give a sense that a our own bodily engagement, of one’s whole life is to be performed. own performance as spectator. Where’s The show’s fi nal space, by Lucy the jolt of confrontation, our desires or McKenzie , is rather beautiful. Are these repulsion as viewers? paintings or a stage set? The whole Karen Kilimnik is known as a painter, thing is an imaginary room, with walls, but her stage set for Swan Lake adds fake marbling, trompe l’oeil radiators, a little to our understanding of any rela- phone on the wall, the scuff s and stains tionship between painting and the stage and desuetude of a formerly elegant – one still, the other a place for action. house, subdivided for multiple occupa- Fake fog drifts, along with Tchaikovsky, tion. It’s brilliantly done. This is a set for through the gloom. Performance an imaginary version o f Muriel Spark’s pioneer Joan Jonas is represented by a 1963 novella The Girls of Slender stage set, for her theatre piece The Ju- Means. The whole thing has a feeling of niper Tree. There are painted elements, sadness, of life as anticipation and anti- along with a real kimono, wooden climax. What a performance it all is. NIKI DE SAINT PHALLE; MISSION ART GALLERY; DAVID LEVENE DAVID GALLERY; ART NIKI DE SAINT PHALLE; MISSION balls, and a fi gure made of sticks with a mask for a head – but so what? A Bigger Splash: Painting After Performance Shots of Valie Export in androgynous is at Tate Modern, London SE1, tomorrow to

PHOTOGRAPHS PHOTOGRAPHS man-drag, Cindy Sherman in various 1 April. Details: tate.org.uk

13.11.12 The Guardian 17 Arts

Wake up call Famed for his inspired nonsense, Ross Noble is now switching to ‘real things’. The comic tells Brian Logan why

’ve no sooner turned on my tape recorder than Geordie I comic Ross Noble unleashes a routine about Jimmy Savile. “Funnily enough,” it begins, “I told a joke about him at an awards ceremony years ago ...” On the story goes – it features necrophilia and an appearance by Paul Gambaccini – while ‘If it’s in the the notoriously expensive Edinburgh Our chat ends on the subject of Noble’s publicist shifts uneasily in her head, it comes fringe. The answer was almost unani- this explosion of standup in the two seat. But what else should we expect? out the mouth’ … mous: “No one – except Ross Noble.” decades he’s been working . Noble’s Noble’s current tour marks 21 years in Ross Noble But times are changing. The take on the phenomenon clearly standup for the 36-year-old, during compulsive performer is now on stage establishes that free association isn’t which he has rarely stuck to the script. less often, partly because he’s married just his stage craft, it’s his way of life. Noble is comedy’s great free- – to his Australian partner Fran – and “I think it’s great,” he starts, before associator. Give him a line and he’ll has a four-year-old daughter; the persuading himself, over the course of show you a tangent. Give him a stage family lost their 100-acre farm near a 10-minute riff , that it’s anything but. and he’ll digress for hours. Yes, there Melbourne in the 2008 bush fi res . And “There are young acts now tailoring are strands of scripted material – but his debut movie is also now on release their act so it’s short and punchy they’re launchpads for his loopy fl ights – director Conor McMahon’s comedy- and can get on Live at the Apollo ,” of fancy involving snooker-playing horror Stitches, which stars the comic he laments. “There’s no space for pirates, ballerinas blasted by giant fans, as a zombie children’s clown. “Me someone starting now who wants to do and Gerry Raff erty songs played on a slashing people to pieces,” he says. what I do.” Be creative, in other words, squirrel saxophone. Few people have “It’s horrible, but it’s funny.” and unorthodox. had more success just making stuff up . His standup is changing, too, he After another few minutes of “If it’s in the head, it comes out the says. “For ages, people used to come rambling, Noble conjures a dark vision mouth,” says Noble, but it’s not quite as and see me, and I was basically like for standup’s future. “We’ll have gone simple as that. His skill is not in generat- an alien on Earth. You didn’t get any full circle, back to the shiny-suited, ing nonsense, but knowing how to use sense of – was I married, did I have dickie-bow-tie stuff that alternative it – what to leave, what to weave, what kids, did I have a life? The answer was: comedy fi rst railed against. And in to confl ate , what to reincorporate. In I didn’t. All I did was gig, go back to that post-apocalyptic world, I’ll be Noble’s hands, it’s a feat of virtuosity hotel, watch fi lms, travel to the next in goggles with a shotgun, driving and a celebration of the unfettered ‘I’d do a gig, gig. So the fact that [my shows were around the wasteland, and there’ll be imagination. Not that he’d like it to be just] loads of pop-culture references is a TV show with someone who looks seen that way. “I don’t want people to go back to because I didn’t live in the real world. like Jim Bowen doing material that’s think about what I’m doing,” he says. my hotel, Partly because I’ve got more of a life, I halfway between Frankie Boyle’s and “I want them to get lost in the show.” now tend to talk about real things.” Michael McIntyre’s.” Noble is halfway through a national watch a fi lm, It’s an exciting development – one So the comedy boom is a good tour, an almost annual occurrence that’s anchored Noble’s colourful noo- thing ? Noble smiles. “Well, it’s good over the last 15 years. Few comedians then go to dling, off set his meaninglessness and for me. I’m not bothered about telly. gig so relentlessly; even fewer have the next gig. made a really good act great. Stitches The whole thing could implode.

built as big a fanbase while keeping has also got him dreaming of a multi- And like a cockroach, I’ll still be here.” FOR THE GUARDIAN SILLITOE DAVID TV appearances to a minimum ( Eddie I didn’t live platform existence in which his indie Izzard , Daniel Kitson, not many others). fi lms (he’s now writing his own script ) in the real Ross Noble plays Newcastle City Hall (0191- A few years ago, I wrote a n article spark interest in his comedy, while his 261 2606) tonight; then touring (rossnoble.

asking who actually makes money on world’ live show sends audiences to his fi lms. co.uk). His DVD Nonsensory Overload is out now. PHOTOGRAPH

18 The Guardian 13.11.12 How they made Arts Read more from this series, including the story behind The Piano and the Sooty Show guardian.co.uk/culture

How we made ... Town Called Malice ‘It’s partly about Woking where I grew up. I don’t think the swinging 60s ever hit there’

Paul Weller, singer-songwriter No 1 here we pretty quickly. I remember feeling good album on a reel-to-reel, which was a In 1981, I was going through a few come … (from about it, and when we played it to friends tape you could record over. So changes. I was taking note of what was left) Paul Weller, in the studio, everyone went “wow”. when I was learning guitar, I actually going on in our country . When you’re Rick Buckler and The song’s a strange contradiction. It’s taped myself playing over Walk touring, you’re often in your own Bruce Foxton got an uplifting feel, almost like a gospel Away Renee . Derek was really bubble, but we were going around the song, but it’s also got a hard realism. annoyed! But all this goes in, country seeing what was happening. It I had most of the lyrics before we subconsciously, and I rediscovered it was the start of the hardline Margaret started the song, but they were just through Paul. The Malice bassline is Thatcher years, and places – up north, words written down in a book . They’re very similar to You Can’t Hurry Love especially – were being decimated. partly about Woking , where I grew up, by the Supremes , but it worked. When At the same time, I was getting into which had always been a depressed we hit that groove, you couldn’t stop black American soul . I’d heard a lot of place. That line “rows and rows of empty your foot tapping. Motown and Stax when I was a kid, but milkfl oats dying in the dairy yard” was We were on a treadmill – recording, the more well-known end of it. On Jam directly infl uenced by Woking . “Cut TV, touring – which I enjoyed, but it’s tours, we had a DJ called Ady Croasdell , down the beer or the kids’ new gear” hard to remember things. It becomes a who ran a 60s club. He turned me on to ‘It’s one of was about how people were struggling. bit of a haze. We recorded the track at underground stuff and what people call my best I remembered my mum and dad: I don’t Air Studios in Oxford Street, London. northern soul . It just blew my mind. We’d think the swinging 60s ever hit and knew it was a winner. Rick already moved on from punk. We’d been songs. Woking. They were forever rowing [Buckler, drums] was always clicking a three-piece for years, and there are only about not having enough money. away with his camera, and took a so many variations on the guitar/drums When we Malice was our third No 1 [for three picture up north of some rundown format. So I was getting into brass sec- play the weeks, in February 1982] . It’s one of my houses that captured the sentiment , tions and female vocals and keyboards. best songs, lyrically and in terms of so we used it on the sleeve. Thirty I’d never read the Nevil Shute novel, opening what it means to people. I think it’s still years later, it’s such a joy to have been A Town Like Alice , but I must have seen bars, you relevant. When we play the opening involved . As soon as I start that

MARTYN GODDARD/REX MARTYN the title. The music came from us jam- bars, you can’t help being swept along. bassline, people go nuts. ming. I remember us fi rst hitting that can’t help groove and being fi red up . Then I added Bruce Foxton, bassist Interviews by Dave Simpson. The Jam’s The being swept Gift – Super Deluxe Box Set is released on 19 the middle eight and sorted the song My older brother Derek had been an November on Universal. Bruce Foxton is on tour

PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH out, adding the organ . It was all done along’ original mod . He had a Four Tops with From the Jam. Details: brucefoxton.com

13.11.12 The Guardian 19 Entertainment Television

n a piece the other day, I replaced Chinese CCTV footage showing Gu the characters in a political Kailai being taken into court in August I drama with their counterparts from real life. Today I’m doing he can’t think of anyone less likely to something a bit similar. Ponies, murder anyone. Heywood’s Harrow tricks, not very many, you might be housemaster says he was lazy, there was thinking. But it’s not a drama this time, something missing, and Neil didn’t keep it’s a documentary. So I’m not turning in touch after leaving. (Well, why should fi ction into fact, I’m just relocating the he? Maybe he hated you and your school? action, and changing the cast. OK? I fi nd myself warming to Heywood: a So Metropolitan police commissioner bit of a maverick, a bit hopeless, he Bernard Hogan-Howe shows up at the loved Talking Heads and didn’t fi t in at US embassy in London in a right old Harrow.) And here’s Denis MacShane, state. His boss, London mayor Boris Last night's TV talking about corruption in China. Yeah, Johnson, is going to kill him, he says, pots and kettles, Denis … though, and he’d like to defect to the US please. A Chinese murder mystery admittedly, expense fi ddling isn’t quite The reason Boris is going to kill him is murder by poison. that Bernard knows that Boris’s wife – that would be farcical if it Dispatches does have a new source with whom Bernard became friendly though, a Chinese contact who knew when she was the target of mercury both Heywood and the Bo family. The poisoning administered via her herbal weren’t a real-life tragedy unidentifi ed source sheds some light supplement pills – is herself a murderer. on things, but mainly on the characters Bernard says she killed a Chinese family involved – especially Heywood – rather friend (sort of) who was trying to extort than on what actually happened. The money from them. His body was found trouble is, the people who do know have in a Premier Inn close to the M25. either been locked up or are in hiding, Mrs Johnson is arrested. Her trial lasts too scared to talk for fear of being a day, there is very little evidence against locked up too or poisoned and swiftly her (the body of the Chinese sort of By Sam Wollaston cremated before anyone can determine friend was cremated quickly after his what really happened to them. death), the evidence the prosecution and Chinese characters fl ipped. For Boris It’s a proper and thorough investiga- claims to have isn’t shown in court, but and Mrs Johnson read Chongqing mayor tion, an extraordinary story told better she is convicted anyway and receives a Bo Xilai and his wife Gu Kailai; for here than it has been before. All it lacks suspended death sentence. Bernard Hogan-Howe read police chief Wang is answers, and an ending. Which it will doesn’t get his political asylum and is Lijun, and for the Chinese sort of friend probably never get, given the machina- sent to prison himself. Boris, who was read posh British sort of businessman tions, duplicity, divisions and dark forces seen as going right to the very top in Neil Heywood. It would be farcical, at play within the Chinese communist the next government, is under investi- laughable even, a kind of Chinese party. Look, there’s Peter Mandelson gation too and is fi nished politically. Midsomer Murders, if there weren’t a with Bo Xilai. I told you there were dark Nothing is clear, except that there is real human tragedy – Neil Heywood’s forces at play. What’s he doing? Perhaps the deepest corruption at the highest death – at its heart. it’s not so absurd to think something levels of the British politics. The story is familiar to anyone who like this could happen here after all … Nah, you say, nonsense (apart from has kept even half an eye on the news AND ANOTHER Full English (Channel 4), a new family- THING the last bit, of course). If this was a in the past year. But this Dispatches digs based animation, lacks the warmth of drama, you’d claim it was a step too far, deep. They speak to a lot of people, some The Simpsons and the smartness of belief not just suspended but hung, more useful than others. Among the I know he’s ours, Family Guy. It’s baser, more British, but of all the TV drawn and quartered. It’s not drama latter are Gu Kailai’s Bournemouth more about arses, and blow jobs, and food programmes. though, it’s Dispatches: Chinese Murder landlord (she spent some time on the Ottolenghi’s shagging the Queen, wey hey. Mystery (Channel 4), just with the English Riviera when her son Guagua Mediterranean Feast If you’re puerile, a 13-year-old boy location changed from Chinese megacity did an English course there) who says (More4) looks the at heart, it may amuse you. I think it’s Chongqing to London, and the English she was very smart, “a real lady”, and best. Mmmmm. hilarious. It’s already series-linked. AP PHOTOGRAPH PHOTOGRAPH

13.11.12 The Guardian 21 Film of the day TV and radio Tyrannosaur (11.05pm, Film4) Paddy Considine’s debut feature is a bleak tale of domestic abuse that makes for hard viewing, with utterly convincing performances from Peter Mullan and Olivia Colman.

BBC1 BBC2 ITV1 Channel 4

6.0pm BBC News (S) 6.0pm Eggheads 6.0pm Local News (S) 6.0pm The Simpsons Weather (R) (S) Weather (S) (AD) Bart pockets 6.30 Regional News 6.30 Strictly Come 6.30 ITV News And Denis Leary’s mobile. Programmes (S) Dancing — It Takes Weather (S) 6.30 Hollyoaks (S) Weather Two (S) Zoe Ball chats (AD) It’s the morning with Karen Hardy. of the double wedding.

7.0 The One Show (S) 7.0 Celebrity 7.0 Emmerdale (S) 7.0 Channel 4 News Team Rickshaw arrives Antiques Road Trip (AD) Kerry gets her (S) in Bath. With Matt (S) Germaine Greer marching orders. 7.55 4thought.tv (S) Baker and Alex Jones. and Clive Anderson 7.30 The Martin Is faith a matter of The Paradise, BBC1 7.30 EastEnders (S) hunt for antiques in Lewis Money Show nature or nurture? (AD) Cora’s reluctant Lancashire. (S) The fi nancial to talk to Patrick. journalist off ers advice Watch this (Followed by BBC on claiming back News; Regional News.) mis-sold payment protection insurance. The Paradise ward fi eld trip to the Pen- 8.0 Holby City (S) 8.0 MasterChef: The 8.0 Deirdre And 8.0 George Clarke’s 9pm, BBC1 nines, where Howard’s lust (AD) Ric gets back Professionals (S) Me: 40 Years On Amazing Spaces Being the fi nal episode of for Sabine and JP’s thirst for from holiday to fi nd In a skills test, fi ve Coronation Street (S) (S) The host sees an this Zola adaptation, the adventure leave each stuck Serena running the of the chefs have 10 Actor Anne Kirkbride ingeniously designed hospital in Hanssen’s minutes to break down looks back at four studio fl at in Barcelona plot’s chickens are fi nally between a rock and a hard absence. Michael a cooked lobster and decades playing one and offi ces built from coming home to roost. With place (one metaphorically, receives bad news. serve it with a salad. of the soap’s most old Tube carriages. Moray’s wedding to Katherine one literally). Back home, popular characters. imminent, his expansion Josie reckons she’s dis- plans are almost at the blue- covered a fi x for her entire print stage, as he plans to future. Providing Heather 9.0 The Paradise (S) 9.0 Dara O Briain’s 9.0 I’m A Celebrity 9.0 Heston’s buy the freehold to Tollgate doesn’t mind taking a tiny (AD) Moray realises Science Club (S) (AD) Get Me Out Of Here! Fantastical Food (S) Street using money loaned risk, that is. Mark Jones where his heart truly Marcus Brigstocke (S) More scenes from Heston Blumenthal lies, but is it too late? grapples with the life in the jungle. plans to build the by her father. That, how- Last in the series. concept of dark energy Continues Thursday. world’s biggest 99 ever, would be to reckon The Mind Reader: as Dara and guests fl ake — taller than fi ve without the spell cast over Between Life And Death investigate the world metres and weighing of theoretical physics. in at more than a ton. him by plucky Denise. As 10.35pm, BBC1 she returns to the Paradise What does it mean to have a fold, it’s clear that Moray’s severe brain injury in terms feelings for her are undi- of how you can interact with 10.0 BBC News (S) 10.0 Later Live — 10.0 ITV News At Ten 10.0 Fresh Meat (S) minished, so he resolves the world? Until compara- 10.25 Regional News With Jools Holland And Weather (S) (AD) Oregon starts to And Weather (S) (S) With Ellie 10.30 Local News/ fall for Dylan. to end his engagement. tively recently, “vegetative” (Followed by National Goulding, Band of Weather (S) 10.50 Random Acts John Robinson patients were widely as- Lottery Update.) Horses, Larry Graham, 10.35 Take Me Out (S) A man fi nds a sumed to be out of reach. 10.35 The Mind Foals and Luisa Sobral. (R) (S) Another edition teleporting box. Reader: Between Life 10.30 Newsnight (S) of the dating show. 10.55 Homeland Chateau Chunder: Now, as a Panorama Special And Death (S) New With Emily Maitlis. (Shown Saturday.) (R) (S) (AD) Brody’s When Australian Wine explores, this view is being research on severely (Followed by Weather.) loyalty is questioned. Changed the World challenged. Filmed over the brain-injured patients. (Shown Sunday.) 9pm, BBC4 course of a year, the docu- As the title here suggests, mentary-makers bear wit- 11.35 Veronica 11.20 Imagine (R) 11.50 Grimefi ghters Guerin (Joel (S) Alan Yentob charts (R) (S) A pest back in the 1970s Aussie ness as a patient regarded Schumacher, 2003) (S) how The Two Worlds controller shows his wines were regarded as as vegetative for more than A reporter investigates of Charlie F, a play son how to catch moles a joke. So what changed? 10 years answers questions Ireland’s illegal drugs performed by a cast of and turkey fat blocks trade. Excellent former soldiers, came sewers in London. Those who were there help while inside a brain scanner. biographical drama. to the London stage. to chart the transformation It’s a moment with profound Cate Blanchett stars. of an industry from the implications for patients and days when the Australian their families, and for medi- Wine Bureau had a London cal staff and scientists work- offi ce set amid Soho sex ing in this area. JW bandleaders like Benny English National Ballet. including Sanjo by Hyelim Radio Goodman and Artie Shaw 6.30 Composer Of The Week: Kim, Mouton’s Nesciens shops. As Oz Clarke, among took big band jazz to a mass Big Band. (R) Mater with the Tallis audience. 7.30 Radio 3 Live In Concert. Scholars, and This Is How We others, recalls, it’s in great 1.0 Radio 3 Lunchtime Shabaka Hutchings joins Walk on the Moon by Arthur part the tale of Aussies can- Concert. A week of concerts the BBC Concert Orchestra Russell. Radio 3 from the Isle of Man’s at the Queen Elizabeth Hall 12.30 Through The Night. nily making and marketing 90.2-92.4 MHz Mananan Festival and in a one-off commission Including music by WF Bach, mid-range wines that people Manchester Pride. Ruby as part of the London Jazz Arne, Pergolesi, Schubert, 6.30 Breakfast. Sara Hughes performs Purcell and Festival. Presented by Kevin Sibelius, Tchaikovsky, actually wanted to buy . Mohr-Pietsch introduces Roderick Williams sings Ian Le Gendre. Franck, Strauss arr Franz favourite pieces, notable Venables’ The Pine Boughs 10.0 Free Thinking. Rana Hasenohrl, Chopin, Grieg, Jonathan Wright performances and a few Past Music. Mitter chairs a debate about Liszt, CPE Bach, Berlioz and surprises. 9.0 Essential 2.0 Afternoon On 3. Katie world history at the Radio 3 Clara Schumann. Classics. With Sarah Walker. Derham presents the BBC Free Thinking Festival, with Fresh Meat Including the Essential CD: SSO and Concert Orchestra Antony Beevor, Andrew Marr Radio 4 Five Italian Oboe Concertos in music with a First World and Maria Misra. 92.4-94.6 MHz; 198kHz 10pm, Channel 4 played by Nicholas Daniel, War connection, by Elgar, 10.45 The Free Thinking More tertiary education performances by pianist Vaughan Williams and Essay: New Generation 6.0 Today. 8.31 (LW) Noriko Ogawa, and this Butterworth, plus Schubert’s Thinkers. Nandini Das, one tomfoolery, with Kingsley Yesterday In Parliament. week’s guest, author Anne Ninth Symphony. of Radio 3’s New Generation 8.58 (LW) Weather 9.0 The at war with tutor Dan (Rob- Fine. 4.30 In Tune. Sean Raff erty Thinkers, gives a talk on the Long View. Exploring topical 12.0 Composer Of The Week: introduces performances by 16th-century craze for crime issues through history. 9.30 ert Webb) over the latter’s Big Band. Donald Macleod jazz vocalist Kurt Elling and pamphlets, recorded at the In Alistair Cooke’s Footsteps. sedimentary-rock-shaped is joined by Guy Barker pianist Mikhail Rudy, and Sage Gateshead. Alvin Hall attends a baseball to explore the swing era, interviews dancer Tamara 11.0 Late Junction. Max game at Chicago’s historic knowledge gap. Cue an awk- Fresh Meat, Channel 4 when predominantly white Rojo, new artistic director of Reinhardt presents music

22 The Guardian 13.11.12 Full TV listings For comprehensive programme details see the Guardian Guide every Saturday or go to tvlistings.guardian.co.uk/

Channel 5 BBC3 BBC4More4 Atlantic Other channels

6.0pm Home And 6.20pm Come Dine 6.0pm House (R) E4 guests Dougie Poynter, Tom Away (R) (S) (AD) Brax With Me (R) (S) The Vogler is determined 6.0pm The Big Bang Theory. Fletcher, Mel C and Ashley Bernadette takes an interest Banjo. 11.45 Celebrity Juice. and Casey head out on dinner-party challenge to get House fi red. in physics. 6.30 The Big With Jonathan Ross, Marcus a trip together. fetches up in Watford. Bang Theory. Leonard’s Collins, Chelsee Healey, Max 6.30 5 News At 6.30 mother visits. 7.0 Hollyoaks. Beesley and Russell Kane. (S) Disaster strikes as the sixth- formers try to help Ruby Sky1 and Jono marry. 7.30 How 6.0pm Futurama. Featuring I Met Your Mother. Barney the guest voice of Pamela 7.0 Highland 7.0pm Total Wipeout 7.0pm World News 7.30 Hugh’s 3 Good 7.0 House (R) A defi es Ted’s list of things Anderson. 6.30 The Emergency (S) An (R) (S) The usual Today (S) Weather Things (S) Hugh meningitis epidemic the friends are too old to do. Simpsons. Lisa takes out a injured oil-rig worker obstacle course 7.30 Timothy Spall: Fearnley-Whittingstall hits the hospital. 8.0 How I Met Your Mother. restraining order against needs evacuating. silliness. Hosted by All At Sea (R) (S) (AD) prepares roasted Marshall worries about his Bart. 7.0 The Simpsons. 7.30 Highland Richard Hammond and The actor and wife squash with ricotta past indiscretions. 8.30 Bart risks being held back The Big Bang Theory. The a year. 7.30 The Simpsons. Emergency (S) The Amanda Byram. Shane visit Newcastle and Parma ham. friends fi ght over a ring they Santa’s Little Helper runs RAF goes to rescue a and Hartlepool. believe was used in The Lord away from home. 8.0 Last canyoner from a deep of the Rings. 9.0 New Girl. Resort. Chaplin heads the river gorge. (Followed Nick and Schmidt become search for three missing embroiled in an argument crew members. 9.0 A League by 5 News Update.) over DIY. 9.30 Suburgatory. Of Their Own. With Johnny George takes Dallas and Vegas, Charlotte Jackson Noah mattress shopping. and Harry Redknapp. 10.0 8.0 Rolf’s Animal 8.0 Great Movie 8.0 Canal Walks With 8.0 Grand Designs (R) 8.0 Friday Night 10.0 Tool Academy: Dude, Where’s My Car? Teen Clinic (S) Vet Sam Mistakes 2011: Not In Julia Bradbury (R) (S) (AD) An architect Lights (S) Matt is Boyfriends Behaving Badly. comedy, starring Seann Bescoby treats a horse 3D (R) (S) (S) (AD) An eight- designs a home reunited with his The couples discover there William Scott and Ashton that has a growth in 8.25 Bruce Almighty mile hike along the containing a sauna, estranged mother. are traitors in their camp. Kutcher. 11.40 Road Wars. 11.0 The Inbetweeners. Thames Valley Police combat one of its hooves. (Tom Shadyac, 2003) Caledonian Canal. spa, dance fl oor and DJ The gang goes on a fi eld vehicle crime. (Followed by 5 News (S) A reporter gets to 8.30 Britain On Film: booth for a small plot trip to Swanage. 11.35 The At 9.) play God. Watchable Brits At Play (S) of land in London. Inbetweeners. Will is given a Sky Arts 1 comedy-fantasy, Newsreel footage from work experience placement 6.0pm Spectacle: Elvis at a garage. Costello. Music and chat with Jim Carrey and the 1960s. series hosted by the Jennifer Aniston. Film4 musician and songwriter. 7.10pm Big Momma’s House. 7.0 Art Of The Heist. Comedy, starring Martin How Argentina’s military 9.0 Body Of Proof (S) 9.0 Chateau Chunder: 9.0 Sarah Beeny’s 9.0 Awake (R) (S) Lawrence. 9.0 Layer Cake. junta profi ted from stolen A man assumed to be When Australian Selling Houses (S) Complications arise Crime thriller, starring Daniel art. 8.0 Living The Life. dead rises from the Wine Changed The In Beckenham, Sarah when Britten and Craig. 11.05 Tyrannosaur. With Ken Livingstone Premiere. Drama, starring and Timothy West. 9.0 autopsy room. Plus World (S) (AD) The off ers home-selling Bird try to get an Peter Mullan. Parkinson: Masterclass. New the team investigates story of wine-making advice to the owners accountant to enter series. Michael Parkinson a local government in Australia since the of a converted church, witness protection FX is joined by fi gures from cover-up. 1970s, when down- a 19th-century and testify against a 6.0pm Leverage. Nate and the arts, beginning with Sophie are taken hostage. Jamie Cullum. 10.0 Classic under plonk was cottage and a spacious Russian crime boss. 7.0 NCIS. An agent’s body Albums. The conception regarded as a joke. maisonette. is found badly burned. 8.0 of Queen’s A Night at the NCIS. Gibbs is held captive Opera. 11.0 Rory Gallagher: in Mexico. 9.0 True Blood. Irish Tour 1974. Following Eric plots his escape from the guitarist as he tours his 10.0 CSI: NY (R) (S) 10.0 Some Girls (S) 10.0 Clarissa And The 10.0 Obsessive 10.0 House Of Lies the midst of the Authority. homeland in 1974. A murdered wrestling The girls think Amber’s King’s Cookbook (R) Compulsive Hoarder: (S) Jeremiah receives 10.0 American Horror Story: Asylum. A raging TCM coach’s body parts new boyfriend has a (S) The cook tracks The Big Clear Out bad news. storm approaches Briarcliff . 7.10pm Gunfi ghters Of Casa are scattered around mysterious secret. down Britain’s oldest (R) (S) Documentary 10.35 Nurse Jackie 11.0 The Booth At The End. Grande. Western, starring the city. 10.30 EastEnders known cookbook. about Richard Wallace, (S) Zoey and Lenny get Inquisitive waitress Doris is Alex Nicol. 9.0 The Fugitive. 10.55 CSI: NY (R) (R) (S) (AD) Cora’s 10.30 Jerusalem On whose chronic engaged. Kevin wants reunited with the Man. 11.30 Thriller, starring Harrison Family Guy. Peter sells Meg Ford. 11.30 Breakheart Pass. (S) (AD) The team reluctant to talk to A Plate (R) (S) (AD) hoarding made his custody of the girls. to pay a debt. 12.0 Family Murder mystery Western, investigates a sex- Patrick. Presented by chef home dangerous. Guy. Lois is sent to prison. starring Charles Bronson. traffi cking ring. Yotam Ottolenghi. ITV2 6.30pm You’ve Been Framed! Harry Hill narrates 11.55 CSI: Crime 11.0 Family Guy (R) 11.30 Inspector 11.10 Embarrassing 11.10 Mad Men (R) camcorder calamities. 7.0 The Cube. A primary school Scene Investigation (S) Stewie falls in love. Montalbano (R) Bodies (R) (S) Dr (S) Betty’s father has a teacher and a marketing (R) (S) (AD) Catherine 11.25 Family Guy An elderly couple, Christian Jessen meets stroke. Pete’s mother manager take part. 8.0 Mr and Keppler create a (R) (S) Peter joins the religious fanatics, a man with a genetic threatens to disinherit Bean’s Holiday. Comedy, fake murder scene. police force. barricade themselves condition that’s left him. Jon Hamm stars. starring Rowan Atkinson. 9.50 Tulisa: The Hot Desk. 11.45 American Dad! in their home and start him needing new ears. Interview with the singer (R) (S) Stan holds a shooting from the and X Factor judge. 10.0 fundraising telethon. windows. But why? I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out (First episode in a Last in the series. Of Here Now! With Laura double bill.) Whitmore and Joe Swash. 11.0 Celebrity Juice. With Mr Bean’s Holiday, ITV2

Wrigley Field. 9.45 (LW) 2.15 Afternoon Drama: Mad Modern exhibition A Bigger With Susan Hulme. 1.0 Orphans In Waiting Inexplicable World 2.0 Newshour 3.0 World Daily Service. Led by Mgr Girl. By Phil Gladwin. Splash. 12.0 News And Weather 1.30 White Heat 12.0 The Price Of Fear Briefi ng 3.30 Outlook 4.0 Tony Rogers. 9.45 (FM) Book 3.0 Making History. With 7.45 Children In Need: Jess’ 12.30 Book Of The Week: 2.0 The Color Purple 12.30 The Woman In Black News 4.06 The Documentary Of The Week: Former People. Tom Holland, Helen Castor Story. By Nell Leyshon. Former People. By Douglas 2.15 Laurence Llewelyn- 1.0 Orphans In Waiting 4.30 Sport Today 5.0 World By Douglas Smith. Abridged and Fiona Watson. 8.0 File On 4. The impact of Smith. Abridged and Bowen’s Men Of Fashion 1.30 White Heat 2.0 The Briefi ng 5.30 World Business and produced by Jill Waters. 3.30 Mastertapes. Paul “zombie companies” on the produced by Jill Waters. (R) 2.30 God’s Architect: Now Show 2.30 Tomorrow, Report 6.0 World Have Your 10.0 Woman’s Hour. 11.0 Weller revisits tracks from UK’s economy. 12.48 Shipping Forecast Pugin And The Building Of Today! 3.0 Show Boat 4.0 Say 7.0 World Briefi ng 7.30 Saving Species. Live reports the 1982 classic Jam album 8.40 In Touch. Presented by Romantic Britain Chattering 4.15 The Moment Click 7.50 From Our Own on wildlife conservation The Gift. Peter White. Radio 4 Extra 2.45 Other People’s Children You Feel It 5.0 Second Correspondent 8.0 News around the world. 4.0 Dads Who Do. African 9.0 All In The Mind. Research Digital only 3.0 Show Boat Thoughts 5.30 Semi Circles 8.06 The Documentary 8.30 11.30 Swansong. The Caribbean fathers playing at Queen Mary University 4.0 The 4 O’Clock Show The Strand 8.50 Witness Smiths’ 1987 album, major roles in the lives of the of London into the subject 5.0 Second Thoughts 9.0 Newshour 10.0 News 6.0 Orphans In Waiting World Service Strangeways, Here We children. of gaydar. 5.30 Semi Circles 10.06 Outlook 10.30 World 6.30 White Heat 7.0 Semi Digital and 198 kHz Come. Last in the series. 4.30 A Good Read. With 9.30 The Long View. 6.0 The Price Of Fear Business Report 11.0 World Circles 7.30 Rudy’s Rare after R4 12.0 News Peter White and Heydon Exploring topical issues 6.30 The Woman In Black Briefi ng 11.30 Business Records 8.0 The Goon Show 12.04 Call You And Yours. Prowse. through history. (R) 7.0 The Goon Show Daily 11.50 Witness 12.0 8.30 J Kingston Platt’s With Julian Worricker. 5.0 PM. With Eddie Mair. 9.59 Weather 7.30 J Kingston Platt’s 8.30 Business Daily 8.50 World Briefi ng 12.30 Click Showbiz Handbook 9.0 The 12.57 Weather 5.57 Weather 10.0 The World Tonight. Showbiz Handbook Sports News 9.0 News 9.06 12.50 Sports News 1.0 Now Show 9.30 Tomorrow, 1.0 The World At One. 6.0 Six O’Clock News With Robin Lustig. 8.0 Orphans In Waiting The Documentary 9.30 World Briefi ng 1.30 World Today! Presented by Martha 6.30 Rudy’s Rare Records. 10.45 Book At Bedtime: 8.30 White Heat The Strand 9.50 Witness Business Report 1.50 From 10.0 Show Boat Kearney. The Sharpes leap into action The Liar’s Gospel. By Naomi 9.0 Chattering 10.0 World Update 11.0 Our Own Correspondent 2.0 11.0 Chattering 1.45 In Pursuit Of The after Doreen is mugged. Last Alderman. Abridged by Sally 9.15 The Moment You Feel It World Have Your Say 11.30 News 2.06 The Documentary 11.15 The Moment You Ridiculous. Matthew Oates in the series. Marmion. 10.0 Comedy Club: Rudy’s Discovery 11.50 From Our 2.30 Outlook 3.0 Newsday Feel It meets avid birdwatcher Rob 7.0 The Archers. It is Peggy’s 11.0 Arthur Smith’s Balham Rare Records Own Correspondent 12.0 3.30 The Strand 3.50 12.0 The Goon Show Lambert. birthday. Bash. Comedy and music. 10.30 Such Rotten Luck News 12.06 Outlook 12.30 Witness 4.0 Newsday 4.30 12.30 J Kingston Platt’s 2.0 The Archers. Joe shows 7.15 Front Row. Mark Last in the series. 11.0 Acropolis Now The Strand 12.50 Witness Click 4.50 From Our Own Showbiz Handbook off his new purchase. (R) Lawson reports on the Tate 11.30 Today In Parliament. 11.30 Lionel Nimrod’s 1.0 News 1.06 Your Money Correspondent 5.0 Newsday

13.11.12 The Guardian 23 On the web Puzzles For tips and all manner of crossword debates go to guardian.co.uk/crosswords

Quick crossword no 13,265 Sudoku no 2,343

Across 123 4567 1 Spider’s creation (6) 4 Not transparent (6) 53 8 British thriller writer, Hammond ___ , d. 1998 (5) 89 9 Uproar (7) 41 8 7 10 Superior skill (7) 11 District of West London (5) 10 11 96 12 Strip of land cleared to prevent a confl agration spreading (9) 241 17 Fanatical (5) 12 13 14 19 Renaissance (7) 21 Culinary herb (7) 15 16 85 22 Tokyo (anag) — former capital of Japan (5) 17 18 19 20 23 Indulge in retaliation (6) 659 24 Don’t move! (6) . Down 21 22 28 1 Oversensitive — traditional British food 2713 shop (6) 0330 333 6846 2 Play truant (4,3) 23 24

3 Result in a particular way or call (5) 69 5 Wooden-handled iron 15 Italian brandy (6) Solution no 13,264 tool with a curved head, 16 Opt (6) NOTSOFAST Medium. Fill the grid so that each row, column Solution to no 2,342 pointed at both ends (7) 18 Push — boat (5) PGUAKRR and 3x3 box contains the numbers 1-9. 254396718 6 Shh! (5) 20 Motorcyclist (5) I NEPT S I ROCCO Printable version at guardian.co.uk/sudoku 678125493 7 Warm Pacifi c Ocean COSSATU Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0039 or text KERCHI EF L IMB 391784652 guardianbooks.co.uk current (2,4) GUARDIANQ followed by a space, the day and UGELZCL 9 Fruit — expression of date the crossword appeared another space and 869452137 PAELLA GAUCHE Stuck? For help call 0906 751 0036. Calls cost 77p a contempt (9) the CLUE reference to 85010 (e.g GUARDIANQ TFLWNIM 423917586 Wednesday24 Down20). Calls cost 77p a minute minute from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks 13 Sign of danger — sign of from a BT Landline. Calls from other networks HOOF P I ZZER I A may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. 715863249 socialism (3,4) may vary and mobiles will be considerably higher. ERDZ I CK Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 9769 for 986571324 TOMBOLA BEL I E 14 Amateur singing to Texts cost 50p a clue plus standard network customer service (charged at local rate, 2p a min from 547238961 charges. Service supplied by ATS. Call 0844 836 ABDRAER a BT landline). Free tough puzzles at www.puzzler. recorded music, perhaps 9769 for customer service (charged at local rate, BOYWONDER 132649875 in a pub (7) 2p a min from a BT landline). com/guardian . Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save £7.96). Visit . Buy all four Guardian quick crosswords books for only £20 inc UK p&p (save Doonesbury Doonesbury Garry Trudeau guardian.co.uk/crossword

Access over 4,000 archive puzzles at 4,000 archive Access over If... Bell Steve Want more? Want

24 The Guardian 13.11.12