News Opinion Sports You’ll never guess what Listen to what I, a Men play with the SU did this university student, has balls, win time!!!!!!! 420 to say about 69 the game 85

HUMANS IN AN OFFICE IN CHARGE OF A NEWSPAPER IN CHARGE OF THE NEWS THE GÆTÆWÆY December 9th, 2015 Issue No.18 Volume 106 GTWY.CA Taking a shit on inequality U of A solves gendered bathroom issue

JIMMY PRAIRIE ORGY reporter @YEGWOMAN

Students can look forward to a selves in lockers, rooms, and vari- completely equal, freedom-ori- ous bushes around campus, all of ented, washroomless campus in which are non-discriminant to 2017. gender orientation, Bondarcode The University of Alberta unan- said. By eliminating a space for a imously approved of the policy in specific bodily function, students one of its many board meetings are able to truly integrate into the nobody pays attention to in a move post-gender, post-human world. applauded by the Students’ Union. “The first step is eliminating a The phasing-out of washrooms gender binary that divides us as at the U of A’s North Campus will people — that starts with elimi- commence in 2016’s Spring semes- nating gender from washrooms,” ter. This will extend to all univer- Bondarcode said. “But we’re still sity buildings by 2017. Washroom faced with the problem of being spaces will be re-purposed as forced to identify with washrooms classrooms that will hold equal- when we need to expel waste.” ity training sessions for university In relieving themselves in students and staff. bushes and other obscure loca- SU Vice-President (Student Life) tions, students will escape the Chuck Bondarcode has been cam- gender binary. They’ll also enter paigning the No Bathroom Policy into a posthuman lifestyle where since August. Seeing the univer- they will no longer be dictated sity commit to equality to the according to their physical entity. extent of eliminating bathrooms With complete freedom of the feels “unbelievable,” Bondarcode body and the subsequent act of said. excretion, students will attain an “Students will never have to feel organic form of freedom of the uncomfortable in the context of mind, Bondarcode said. the washroom,” Bondarcode said. To keep in line with the theme of “Because are eliminating that con- granting students complete free- text entirely.” dom and equality, there will be no Though there are various dis- designated space. Though bushes advantages that come with elimi- are recommended for answer- nating washrooms, equality is ing the call of nature, any space more important than excrement, is a fair space to dump. For that and that should be reflected in the reason, the U of A is recommend- university’s buildings. Students ing students invest in “a few good will still be able to relieve them- pairs of rubber boots.”

continued PAGE 5 STUDENT HOT TAKES VOICES #CONTENT news 2 thegetaway www.ca December 9, 2015

ass holes angry old people The Getaway is published by the Comrades THE of Student Journalism (CSJ), a collective- gateway looks-good-in-jeans Cum Levi’s Comments, concerns or complaints about The Getaway’s content run, autonomous, party of workers that [email protected] or operations should be first sent to the trash. If the trash is have seized the means of newspaper unable to resolve a complaint, it may be taken to our Editor-in- production from the bourgoisie. visit us at unmanagable editress Kieran Christ Superstar Chief, who will probably just tell you to go fuck yourself; beyond gtwy.ca [email protected] that, appeal is to the non-partisan Society OmbudsBoard. We don’t know what that is, so good luck. The chairs of the Board of The Gateway is proud to (>^_^)> Editor 101010011100 shonk Directors and the OmbudsBoard can’t be reached anywhere. be a leaving member of the @youstilluseemail? Canadian University Press. Wenzday, Decamonth 9, 2015 coffeeright Volume 420 Issue Yes. 17 Rihar Settlers-of-Catangay [email protected] Published since the quick brown fox All materials appearing in The Getaway are pretty bad so we’re jumped over the lazy dog Nutball editor Grosch not sure why you’d want to copy them. Circulation Dwindling [email protected] ISSN 0845-wtf is this bearded editor Hairy Zilinski dis clamrz n dat climrz Sweet 3-69 [email protected] Students’ Union Building Opinions expressed in the pages of The Getaway are produced University of Angsty Teenagers Sack editor Bitch Zach by people that are full of shit and have no idea what they’re Redmonton, Leftberta [email protected] talking about. If you take them seriously, that’s you’re own fault. We’re a student newspaper for fuck’s sake. T6G 2J7 Sleeping editor Owlmar [email protected] Additionally, the opinions expressed in advertisements Telephone No don’t fucking call us appearing in The Getaway are those of the advertisers, which Fax Who still has a fax!? Tzatziki editor Xtina Hummus should be pretty clear, but at least one dumbass complains Ad Inquiries Those other guys [email protected] every year anyways. Email [email protected] Crazy womens editor Jessie The Gateway periodically adjusts its circulation between [email protected] 1,000 to 100,000,000 printed copies based on how much we business duo need to start campfires in summer. lizard reporter Balls New and improved Business Manager Breath Lancelot [email protected] [email protected] | 780.002.0000 what is a colophon volleyball reporter Mitch Sorenson [email protected] ChessmasteR Oleksii Rollerskates The Gateway is created using Nintendo Game & Watch’s and the [email protected] Sega CD. A dusty Commodore 64 is used for layout. The Virtual Boy is used for vector images, while Jet Force Gemini is used for contribudors raster images. Our PDF gets sent to print but we don’t really know how that works. Text is set in various sizes, fonts, yada yada Poopy McFroodles, Who’s My Dad, Ewan Gambino, yada. I really need to take a shit so I’m just going to leave it at Macklemore, Gender, Hamburger Brown, Taco Bill, Photog that. Read the rest of the paper instead of the masthead. This part Name, Byline, Large Gift, Chianti is really only for inside jokes. Go away. Stop reading. Why are you still reading this? Fuck’s sake. Bye.

not Photo of the week by Photog Name (fuck this guy)

EYE WHY CHOOSE ? EXAM We’ll Work with Your Budget! GREAT O FRAMES We Welcome Appointments and Walk-ins! CONTACT LENSES SUB 1-70, HUB 9101 Cell: 780-905-0132 Tel: 780-434-3001 or 780-434-3002 well, great www.pornhub.com I wonder if the “best student journalist in Canada” has an issue with these #gender stories <3 Kate

News Editor Email Richard Richard

Phone Twitter Richard Richard Volunteer IDGAF Richard Orgy club to penetrate SU Erections and your wallet

Jim priority of the Orgy Club, which will Jim @jim teach about things that conservative high schools left out. This includes Students may get off on campus if general sexual principles such as the U of A Orgy Club’s Dedicated “Equality: you get what you give,” Fee Unit (DFU) passes in the next “When it’s time to go from Netflix Students’ Union Erections. to Chill,” and “How to be inclusive The Orgy Club’s referendum is in a threesome.” The club will also asking for a Dedicated Fee Unit be giving primers in etiquette of or- (DFU) of $2.40 in the Fall/Winter se- gies, kinks and one-night-stands. mesters and $0.69 per Spring/Sum- There are definite rights and mer semester. The contribution wrongs in these scenarios to which will help the Orgy Club secure event a lot of young adults are oblivious, space for orgies, provide opportuni- Bonner said. ties for sexual education and supply “The casual encounter is difficult students with contraceptives. If it to master. Bate your time. Clean passes, the SU will also provide the your space. Groom yourself. Know Orgy Club its own campus space for how to communicate,” he said. administrative and club affairs. “Don’t eat the pizza in their fridge Club president Tim Bonner will if you wake up before them. Plus be running the “Vote Yes for Group many more delicate points that Sex” campaign in the Winter semes- can’t really be summed up in a sen- ter until the SU Erection in March. tence.” “There’s been a lot of talk about Public discussion on group sex the severe importance of consensu- wrap your tool before you fuck bitches Horny first-year and sexual ethics is still premature al sex on campus, but we also need as it’s typically met with skepti- to be talking about good sex,” Bon- that time I scooped out a banana, will provide a safe space for receiv- “$2.40 per semester is a small cism. But Bonner hopes to act as a ner said. “The word ‘orgasm’ needs microwaved the peel and used it to ing the education and experience price to pay for contraceptives and missionary in bringing campus a to enter U of A discourse.” masturbate,” Bonner said. “Girls that will help students make the sex space,” Bonner said. playspace. The “Vote Yes for Group Oftentimes, undergraduates are have the same problem — flicking most love out of their undergradu- If the U of A is willing to create a Sex” campaign will reach its cli- too inexperienced to know what your tongue a couple times doesn’t ate years. This will be done through new Leadership College for 125 elite max in March with the SU Erection, good sex feels like or how to have count as eating out. If she gives you holding actual orgies off-campus students, it can certainly give stu- where students will be able to vote good sex in the first place, Bonner a full five minutes down there the as well as providing an on-campus dents a small space to learn about on the initiative. said. The Orgy Club is hoping to general convention would be to re- space for come and go encounters other important things such as sex, “As an institution, we really value change that by providing students turn it.” between two to four individuals. Bonner noted. community service,” Bonner said. opportunities in experiential learn- Education is the key to solving The SU has told Bonner the Orgy “You don’t have to be a 4.0 stu- “If the Orgy Club receives this DFU, ing and group activities. this mounting problem, Bonner Club will be granted space on the dent to learn how to Eiffel Tower,” we’ll give the campus community a “Half of the blowjobs I’ve ever added. discreet fourth floor of SUB if the he said. means of coming together and ser- received have felt about as good as The Orgy Club, if granted the DFU, referendum passes. Sexual awareness will also be a vicing itself.” U OF A INTRODUCES MORE SAFE SPACES!!! Former Listerite won’t STFU Indira Samarasekera that just won’t let go. She unexpect- Taco Bill Former overlord @UBCnow,BITCH edly found the perfect case study right Floor Cleaner in her own backyard. John Harvey loves Lister. Whether it’s “I thought I’d have to go to the new The University of Alberta is tak- the partying, the community or the Star Wars premiere to find some nerds ing the concept of “safe spaces” to a dodgeball, he always finds a way to that are somehow excited for it even whole new level. bring it up at parties. The only prob- though they hated the prequels,” she Earlier this week, the Student’s lem? Harvey graduated fourteen years said. Union and multiple activist groups ago. Harvey himself isn’t sure why he on campus such as “Millennials in Harvey recently started a new job loves Lister so much, despite only be- Motion” and “Don’t Trigger Me Elmo” but his former residency is already ing a place he lived in for two years. worked in conjunction to launch an causing problems. One of his new co- “It might be because I’m from An- initiative called “Safe Space 3000” workers, Greg South, decided to speak drew, real small-town Alberta,” he that will aim to cover the university’s out. said, “I hadn’t had that much excite- entire campus in bubble wrap to en- “I’m so fucking sick of his stories. ment since I saw a combine harvest sure that all students are completely No, I don’t give a damn about your an entire field in only twenty-three safe at all times. dodgeball games. No, I don’t want to hours.” “It really isn’t easy being a coddled hear about Todd getting wasted and Unfortunately, Harvey saw a connec- middle class kid these days,” Uni- throwing a TV out the window for the tion between the twenty-three hours versity of Alberta Student’s Union twentieth time,” South said, “I don’t and the twenty-three points he scored President Dolan Turtle said at the even know what the LHSA is and I just for Henday in one game of dodgeball, initiative’s launch. “I mean, these don’t fucking care.” and went on a Lister tangent. kids are growing up facing literally South says he doesn’t know how to “I remember this one time, my zero adversity at any point in time in make it stop, but hopes Harvey finds a roommate almost died choking on their lives, and then they’re expected hobby to help him move on. his own vomit,” he said, “Oh, and have to come to campus and see words “I think we all know someone like I already told you about that time my like “wrong” and “no” and they’re John,” Professor of Sociology Savan- entire floor got norovirus and we all just going to be able to handle it like nah Gill said. shit in the halls? Yes? Well, I’ll tell you an adult?” Gill’s latest research is on people again.” “Absolutely not. We need to foster a safer environment for these fuck- ing pussies.” As of right now, the university of- for you pussies asdfasdfasjrt. ball hockey fers multiple spaces around campus for students to hide from loud noises, winter months because it’s too cold to attack at the root of the problem. bright lights, swear words, and the and dangerous for them outside,” You’re going to physically put an concept of eventually getting a job. Turtle said. “Now imagine, instead end to winter and make it safe out Unfortunately, due to such a high of homeless people, they’re whiny, there.” demand for places to take refuge spoiled fucking kids, and instead of By the end of Winter Semester, from the general realities of interper- winter, it’s every day life. all sharp and jagged edges on cam- sonal communication, the univer- “Now imagine you’re running out pus will be covered in bubble wrap. sity is having a difficult time finding of space in the garage for all of them. Turtle also said that within the next space for everybody in need. What are you going to do? Find a big- couple years the Student’s Union will “Imagine having a bunch of home- ger garage for them? Give them jack- be looking for ways to make human less people that you need to keep ets and mittens to help them deal interaction on campus completely in a garage or something over the with it? I don’t think so. You’re going optional. Greekgenderxtinawoman hungry 4 pizza thegetaway fuck you December 9/11, 2015

Come learn with Alberta’s Weekly Newspaper Community at AWNA’s Annual Symposium Friday & Saturday

January 29 & 30, 2016 Prime performance He swooned us. He swooned us all. Sunny ways Journalism Delta Hotel Edmonton South Photography *Exclusive student rate* Trudeau: ‘It was all an act’ Page Design Jim from Westlock was a beautiful work, but was far of a political system in the early 21st Creative Cloud Software Meet potential employers From outside Westlock @tractors more expensive than it should have century. It’s the work that defines at networking sessions been. Canada in the context of fine arts.” Internationally Acclaimed Ottawa — The Prime Minister re- “This was the most expensive Political science professor Jeff Speakers including Full course vealed himself to be the Prime performance act in history. It cap- Goldblum had a more pessimistic Mummer in a revealing announce- tured national and international attitude towards Change, declaring Russell Viers, Adobe Certifi ed Instructor descriptions online ment Tuesday. It was all an act. attention, and even drew in the in- that Trudeau has likely shattered Register today! www.awna.com/symposium Trudeau stated that his campaign volvement of almost 70 per cent of voter confidence in a country that as a Liberal and following induc- Canadians,” Pyrce said. “That’s im- needs democratic strengthening. tion into Canadian government, as pressive, but sadly we have to have In angry provinces such as Alberta the 23rd Prime Minister of Canada another election.” people are now protesting both Bill has all been part of a work simply The cost of a second election will 6 and Trudeau’s Change in a com- entitled Change. The idea was to likely increase the deficit imple- bined anti-this anti-that protest. demonstrate how one actor could mented by the Liberal government, “People don’t like it when mil- inspire a 180-degree change in but Canadians have now taken no- lions of dollars are unknowingly power dynamics by enlisting the tice of drama outside of the film spent on art masquerading as poli- power of public spite. industry, which will be constructive tics,” Goldblum said. “Last time an “I have greatly appreciated this in helping Canadians escape the actor became a country’s head of audience I call Canada,” Trudeau grasps of Hollywood and American state, well. Just look how the Rea- said in his reveal speech. “You guys capitalism, Pyrce said. The next gan administration turned out.” have supported my love of perfor- real government will have a better Canadian parties will have a sec- mance more than my father did, understanding of what happens ond, albeit much shorter, campaign that means the world to me.” when a country places little value season to follow up Trudeau’s de- Now that he’s s climbed the po- on the arts for a decade, thanks to parture. A second federal election Call now! litical ladder, Trudeau’s next endea- Trudeau. will be held on Feb. 1, where Cana- vour is to climb the corporate lad- “The thing was, we were starved dians will hopefully vote in a true 1-253-326-4179 der to showcase that “money and for a great work that would make us leader. email: [email protected] corruption do not have to exist in think about the world,” Pyrce said. “He fooled me. He fooled us the same worlds.” In the meantime, “As Canadians, we have no Mona all,” Goldblum said. “I’d call him Canada is leaderless. Lisa. We have no The Scream. But Falsedeau but the thing was execut- U of A Fine Arts Professor Gan- now we have Change, and that en- ed so flawlessly I have to give him neth Pyrce claimed that Change capsulates what it’s like to be part that respect.”

Local engineering undergrad found to be ‘natural-born expert’ in all other fields

Brigham MacKenzie real science,” Raymond Manning classroom. Second comic from the top @FUjimmy of the Department of Sociology “In fact, now that the semester said. “But Joe’s constant insights is nearly over, I can’t even imagine As members of the university’s about the lack of empiricism and teaching a class without someone most demanding and prestigious ‘real-world’ relevance in the social in the front row constantly asking faculty, most engineering un- sciences opened my eyes. ‘Yes, but will knowing this make dergraduates are already highly “Now, he’s seriously considering me more employable?’.“ informed and well-rounded indi- transferring into mechanical en- So what’s next for Melnyk? viduals, but Joseph Melnyk takes gineering himself, said Manning, “Well,” he said wistfully. “First it farther than most. visibly ashamed by his long, dark I need to make it through the rest “I guess I’ve always been inter- years of ignorance. of my degree, obviously. And that ested in a lot of things,” chuckles “In fact, now there are even talks won’t be easy, even for a man of my Melnyk, a third-year engineering of turning the Faculty of Arts into abilities, because let’s face it – En- student. “If I could give any of my a subsidiary of Engineering,” he gineering is the only faculty that fellow engineers any advice, it said. We are seriously considering teaches hard courses.” would be this – things like politics awarding Mr. Melnyk an honoura- But he remained optimistic as and popular culture might not be ry degree, which would make him he keeps an eye on the future. as important as engineering, but the first undergraduate honourary “After I make it big up in Fort that doesn’t mean that they’re degree recipient in University his- Mac, though, I’m thinking of estab- completely valueless. In fact, by tory. That’s the very least we can lishing some kind of grant or stu- applying the complex rational and do – the very least.” dent award in my name, although analytical abilities that only en- Real scientists are also astound- of course my ultimate long-term gineering can develop to various ed by Melnyk’s incredible knowl- plan involves having at least one lesser fields, I’ve found that I’m edge and experience. building on campus named after basically guaranteed to enrich any “The man is a genius, and me. Still, the award seems like a discussion, no matter how trivial hilarious too,” Lena Zhang, an good place to start. the subject.” astrophysicist, said. “His crack The first recipient of the Joseph Melnyk’s sociology professor about how the sciences offer no P. Melnyk Award for Universal certainly agrees. hope of career advancement had Genius in All Disciplines? Melnyk “For decades, I was under the us all in stitches, and his pragmatic scoffed heartily. impression that sociology was a attitude was a great asset to the “Myself, obviously.” thegetaway www.su.ualberta.ca Thanks to the SU for the holiday gift basket! It won’t save you from this issue, though! Landry Clarke 5 “Coke Police” to be implemented in single-source beverage agreement

Bobby P high traffic areas of campus. of other brands through rewards of The Authority @DJkhaledinspirational Heavy fines can be expected. First “Coke Credits.” These “Coke Credits” offence will be a $150 ticket and the can be redeemed at retailers across Are you all about a cold afternoon offender will be forced to discard campus for Coca-Cola products. Pepsi? What about flying on the the product. Second offence is a When asked why they didn’t just wings of a Red Bull during your late $300 ticket. give out free product to which Sug- night study session? If so, you’re If you’re ridiculous enough to gatits answered, “the SU is taking going to have to change your hab- reach three or more offences, ex- all in-kind offerings with their god- its real quick because there’s a new pect to spend time in a custom damn Activation Fund.” sheriff in town. made “Coke Jail.” The jail will take “Fuckin moochers,” he said. “I With the passing of the Single the form of a giant can of Coca-Cola don’t know why Coca-Cola doesn’t Source Cold Beverage agreement and will be built in the center quad. just give them cash.” last spring, the university is imple- The can will be clear to ensure pub- The final step will be the instal- menting a “Coke Police” to ensure lic shaming of anyone that reaches lation of reporting stations across that only Coca-Cola products will be three offences. The Gateway asked campus, similar to the blue phones consumed on campus. the newly appointed chief of the that University of Alberta Protective The core mission of the force Coke Police Bob Suggatits how they Services (UAPS) has installed. These will be to seek and punish anyone can possibly get away with public will hold direct lines to campus po- that is consuming cold beverages shaming in 2015. lice, which concerned students can other than Coca-Cola products on “This is the fucking Coca-Cola use to report people illegally drink- campus. The Coke Police will begin contract,” Suggatits said. “They run ing a non-Coke product. patrols in January 2016 with a regi- the world. They say, we do. Simple “Be sure to keep the Pepsi, Red ment of around 30 officers. as that.” Bull and even Dr. Pepper at home,” The Gateway has been told they To ensure continuous coverage, a UAPS representative Ness Tee said. will patrol in pairs, and there will be neighbourhood watch will be estab- “Otherwise, you could face steep anywhere from eight to 10 officers lished. Students will be encouraged fines, friendship tearing tattle - tail patrolling libraries, classrooms and to report their friend’s consumption ing and even public shaming.” Dewey’s discovery It was here this whoooooooole time. Prince charming Dewey’s recovers from $190,000 cash deficit Nolan Ali The Better twin @fuckyouparar $90,000? That’s fucking bonkers,” he said. An impressive cash find has put Staff and students are at a loss concerns about Dewey’s profitabil- as to how the hilarious amount of ity to rest, hopefully for good. cash found its way into the statue, The campus bar, having run at a or how Dewey’s even kept afloat total deficit of $190,000 in the past without the money. 3 years, has been a worrying cash “Wait, they lost almost $200,000 sink for the Students’ Union, until in three years?” one patron asked, Tuesdays happenstance find by a eating a dry, unappealing tuna staff member. melt, “Holy shit, how did they stay Carefully dusting the curves open?” and crevices of the crude 12-foot- Glad that the Student’s Union is tall wood statue in Dewey’s stage no longer throwing money into a area, a staff member found the gaping pit that could be spent on missing cash “just wedged right in other student services, students there,”referring to the surprisingly should now be able to enjoy a large cavity located in the statue’s good cheap pint, without worrying anus. about the hidden cost to them or “I mean we were all obviously the union which represents their worried when we heard Dewey’s interests. lost $90,000 last year, but we can A passerby commented on the Soda jerks Honestly, fuck you if you drink Diet Pepsi. Water sucks, it really, really sucks all sleep easy now that we found new savior and pseudo mascot for the cash inside his ass,” the staff the business, member said. “Is that statue funny? Not really,” The staff member, who wished the passerby said. “Is it racially Legend of Augustana: The Lost Campus to remain anonymous due to not insensitive? I think most people wanting anyone to know of his em- would say so. But did it’s hidden Cassidy Old arrived, Jefferson refused food, tence is intimately connected with barrassing employment status, fur- ass cash save the Students’ Union Cassidy with a “C” preferring to arrange her dinner that of Augustana; this we are cer- ther expressed his relief about the from having to explain why they ir- into an upside-down version of the tain of. financial state of the eatery. responsibly operated a failing busi- History is littered with the whispers University of Alberta crest. It was also “Find Zorck, and you’ll find the “I mean, how could we have ness? Definitely. That’s all I need to of lost empires, and it has recently reported that she was unresponsive Lost Campus.” not been making money? Losing know.” been proposed that the University to questioning, instead repeating According to its website, Au- of Alberta’s Augustana campus be the phrases “personal wholeness gustana campus was first estab- added to their ranks. emerges from a liberal education,” lished in 1910 by Norwegian settlers Several teams of University offi- and “Sid Zorck lives on.” under the name Camrose Lutheran cials have been sent to investigate College. This information, however, claims of Augustana’s existence, has been neither confirmed nor de- and as of today, only one of the six- “We believe in nied by the city of Camrose. teen individuals has returned. When contacted by The Gateway, Sarah Jefferson, an executive as- Augustana. But those Mayor of Camrose Norman Mayer sistant in the Faculty of Extension, who seek it outright ... commented with an air of fearful was found around 7:30 p.m. on Dec. they invite certain forces mystery 4, wandering the outskirts of Ed- “We believe in Augustana,” Mayer monton along Highway 14. First re- upon themselves.” said. “It is all around us. But those sponder Nadia Gameche described Norman Mayer who seek it outright ... they invite her condition as “trance-like, as Mayer of Camrose certain forces upon themselves. It is though under heavy sedation.” not a thing we can condone.” Jefferson was part of a team of four Further investigation into Jef- When asked about Sid Zorck, the brave individuals who set out to find ferson’s incoherent speech has Mayor declined to comment fur- answers on Nov. 27. The identities of turned up conflicting information ther. the other members of her team have surrounding “Sid Zorck.” Thought In a message from Dean Allen not been released, as officials are to have been a past student at Au- Berger on the Augustana website, still trying to contact their families. gustana, there are several myths of the campus is cited as being “ap- At this time, law enforcement of- his existence floating around the proximately 90 kilometers from Ed- ficials have yet to uncover any- sig internet, but who - or what - he was monton,” but the direction was left nificant leads on the whereabouts remains unclear. ambiguous. of the remaining fifteen missing “(Sid Zorck) is an elusive figure, His message closed with the persons. his true identity always just beyond haunting words. Medical staff at the University reach,” Su-Mi Dan of the Depart- “I encourage you to come for a hospital reported that when she ment of Mythology said. His exis- visit.” sister of former Editor-in-queef Jason Street 6 thegetaway www.dispatch7.com December 9/11, 2015 campus crimebitch COMPILED BY Simon Yakulic (RIP) Coca-Cola products can be con- sumed on university grounds. Brew-tality “it’s been a tough period of An area woman was arrested late change,” Dontdrinkwater said. yesterday afternoon, after being “Transitioning the hospital from charged with assaulting a UAPS no name apple juice to Minute officer. Maid has been a real struggle, but “I didn’t even realize what it was we’re up to the task.” until I felt the burn,” Officer Dick Many don’t know that consum- Strickland said. ing disallowed beverages can result Strickland and his partner, in internment, but Dajerk has said Officer Jeannie Idreemov, were this has saved costs for the institu- checking tickets in the HUB tion. Mall LRT station, when a woman “The new Leadership College is refused to show a transit pass. being built with entirely internee Before they knew it, the woman labour,” he said. “We’ve probably had taken her steaming hot tea bag saved the U of A billions in con- out of her travel mug and thrown it struction costs.” at Strickland. For his part, Yup said he regrets “It was hotter than you’d think,” his decision, while UAPS agreed. Strickland said, holding an icepack “He deserved his punishment,” cold-blooded cuddlers JK, who the fuck wants to cuddle with an iguana Balls to his cheek. “I have to ask her what Dajerk said. “Who the fuck drinks kind of Thermos she uses.” Diet Pepsi anyways?” When asked what he thought Furry Friends cancelled, of literally being tea-bagged, Anything but the bees Strickland had this to say: A new Students’ Union initiative “It’s one of those things you think went awry last Friday, as the bees you won’t see again after the locker of the Rooftop Apiary Pilot Project room in junior high.” found their way into a SUB air lizards brought instead Trying to stifle her laughter, intake. Idreemov informed The Getaway Stinging several students in Crocodile Dundee chairs and hot tubs because they lizards at university will help stu- that the woman has been charged the process, the armada of striped Are these snakes garbage? are stationary and they feel luxuri- dents in their future careers, Syed with assault, but that she couldn’t marauders led an all-out assault on ous,” Syed said. “You don’t need to said. identify the rooibos in question. the SUBmart slushee machine. One In an effort to reduce costs, the feed a massage chair either.” Students appear to be hesitant of the students had to be hospital- Students’ Union will be restructur- The lizards will be released in but curious about the program. Let there be sprite ized and treated for anaphylaxis, ing the Furry Friends into Lizard the SUB quiet room for three hours “I go to the SUB quiet space for A third-year engineering student however, she fully recovered. Friends. every Monday and Thursday. If Liz- peace and quiet,” studious quiet was detained by the newly formed “We never saw this coming,” Fewer people like lizards be- ard Friends receives positive feed- room student Evan Kohit said. “I Coke Police last week, as the initia- Brody Woodchuckcouldchuk, SU cause of their absence of feelings. back, sessions may be held more don’t think lizards are going to tive to enforce beverage consump- Vice-President (Operations and Dogs, in contrast, experience and frequently. The massage chairs help that.” tion on campus finally paid off. Suturing) said. “We just wanted express a multitude of emotions, and hot tubs are currently tenta- The benefits of lizard therapy “I just wanted to drink my Diet some honey.” making them a more common tive, and they shouldn’t be expect- are unclear, but the animals them- Pepsi,” detainee Kevyn Yup said Only time will tell if choice for therapy. But lizards are ed by students for a long time yet, selves “feel kind of cool once you over the phone from a detention the pilot is rebooted, but more economical, University Well- Syed said. get used to their lack of emotion.” facility. “I didn’t know how seri- Woodchuckcouldchuk said that it ness Executive Wayne Syed said. Consistent handling of the liz- On the same note, benefits of mas- ously they took it.” is a decision he doesn’t take lightly. The SU, in partnership with ards will also prepare the students sage chairs and hot tubs are also Very seriously, according to Coke “We say a lot about creating safe UWellness, will be renting lizards of today and leaders of tomorrow pretty vague. The overall decrease Police Captain Soh Dajerk. Dajerk spaces on campus, we need to make for students to de-stress with start- in dealing with reptilians, which in expenses will make it all worth said that with the new Single sure that extends to those with ing in January 2016. The money is a reality of working in the up- it in the end though, and people Source Beverage Agreement, only allergies too.” saved by switching to lizards will per levels of business, politics and will start to see the benefits of the save 15 per cent or more on car culture. The small reptilians that small, cold-blooded creatures just insurance and support other well- will be in the SUB quiet room are as they did with dogs, Syed said. ness initiatives, such as hot tubs harmless, but the big ones at Shell “(Students) will love the lizards,” and massage chairs. for example can be tough to han- he said. “It’s really just a perspec- “People want more massage dle. Experience in working with tive-adjustment thing.” Lister secedes from U of A campus; nobody else gives a shit ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Hands Samsonite who cares? grees are overrated.” only writes for news when its satire The Office of the Dean of Stu- Many students, it turned out, dents discussed their long-stand- were completely oblivious to the Lister Centre residents are rally- ing suspicion of Students’ Union situation, and in fact to their pres- ing behind their leaders Nivroot president. ence at the University of Alberta. Khanda and Leelay Ra-Coompton “She’s been planning this a long First-year engineering student after the Students’ Union’s sudden time – first undermining our- at Idon Givafuk of Henday Tower’s announcement that the first-year tempts to weed out all remnants sixth floor was especially con- residence would be seceding from of student representation in Lister, fused. the university. and now declaring their indepen- “Huh? I’m at university? Listen, photog name ;) “We are excited to announce that dence,” Dean of Students Robin if it’s not dodgeball, I don’t care Lister Centre will no longer tolerate Everclear said. about it,” Givafuk said. “Hey, do the cruel and unjust regime of this you know when Chief’s next game University switches corrupt administration,” Khanda is? We won 3-2 last week in 1-v-1, said, shouting through a loud- “Man, fuck Lister.” and this week we’re playing MDH.” speaker to a crowd of unenthusias- Dick continued rambling about Everybody tic first-years in the Lister cafeteria University of Alberta dodgeball while using strange ac- internet providers last week while Ra-Coompton stood ronyms and obscure colloquialisms nearby, nodding emphatically. The Getaway was asked to leave for several minutes. Byline Author up Internet keeps us culturally in University president Davidson the office when the Dean was told The reaction to Lister’s upcom- Byline Descriptor @toolazytothink touch with our students in ways Turnip was unavailable for com- he sounded like one of those 9/11 ing independence was much more that Wi-Fi simply can’t. ment when The Getaway barged conspiracy theorists. positive across the rest of campus. The University of Alberta has re- “Young people all over the world into his office, but he did provide a As with everything else, the Cheers could be heard from even leased plans to replace the stan- are attracted to old-fashioned statement in response to Khanda’s vast majority of Lister residents the deepest, darkest depths of CCIS, dard campus-wide wireless Inter- technology – we’re taking the vi- announcement, insisting that the were fairly ambivalent toward the and an entire rave was hosted in net service with an old-fashioned nyl revolution and typewriter-col- Students’ Union would be “dis- change. main quad that lasted three whole dial-up connection, to be imple- lecting hipsters as signs that it’s mantled and martial law declared Second-year student Lucas Dick days. mented, oh, say sometime next time to take the next step forward, across Lister property,” and to be of Schaffer Tower was quoted as “We’re sick and tired of those pa- week. by taking a step backward.” enforced by University of Alberta saying “Well I mean I mostly drink thetic Listerites. All they do is drink, University president Dav Turn- When asked about the practical Protective Services. But nobody instead of going to class anyways,” complain and talk about dodgeball. tup was excited about the an- consequences to students, Turn- pays attention to student politics Second-year student Lucas Dick of Campus Cup wasn’t even good this nouncement. tup was unconcerned. and Residence Services basically Schaffer Tower said. “It’s not like year,” third-year scientology major “This is the next big step for this “UWS is slow as shit already. already imposes martial law, so I’ll be missing out on much. De- Meatch Scoorenscen said. institution,” Turpntup said. “Dial- Who’s going to notice?” thegrandmaphone www.grindr.ca BACK TO WORK, Issue 666 orifice $

HAIRCUTS ARE EXPENSIVE Email chicago cubs hat RAYBAN SUGLASSES Facebook Phone Twwwitter 68 i found the green font

Sell your labour for monetary value statuses Marx’s theory of alienation Reason Magazine A womb with a view: a fetus’ perspective on pro-life/pro- choice

If I had a name I would formally introduce myself, but unfortunately I do not. And if I was born I would certainly like to speak in person, but due to extenuating circumstances beyond my control, representing myself with the written word will have to suffice. I’m writing in regards to the various incidents that transpired in the main quad this past February. If the editor will permit me to recount the events: the University of Alberta’s pro-life group posted large signs in quad featuring images, ostensibly, of abortions. The images were in turn protested by a number of pro-choice individuals. While there cer- tainly are multiple valid points on either side of the abortion debate, my purpose is to expose the lack or communication between the two groups and propose some measures to attempt to solve it. I believe that the pro-life group’s signs did not foster discussion as the group claimed. Their initial tactic of posting flyers proclaiming “Trigger Warning” seemed like a cavalier gesture, while many of the images in the main quad were simply shocking — the pro-life group seemed unin- terested in engaging average students, most of whom are likely pro- choice, and chose to instead provoke students. The bombastic images merely affirmed the pro-life group’s fringe status as the people likely to be convinced would be a small minority. However, I like how the pro- life group is offering sessions called Pro-Life 101 which will promise to reveal pro-life arguments in a sober fashion. Of course, there are problems with the pro-choice protestors and the pro-choice position itself. What seems to me to be the major point of contention is when a cluster of cells inside a womb is defined as being a person (indeed, the personhood of fetuses is a topic of intense discussion at the Grand Fetus Council. We fetuses attempt to define personhood as we see fit, but due to logistical reasons, these claims are never recog- nized. And I can assure you that as a fetus, I’m embroiled in a perpetual The Gateway on the Getaway triggertriggertriggertriggertriggertriggertriggertriggetrtriggertriggertriggertriggertriggertrigg jessie identity crisis). I posit that a cluster of cells inside a womb, while embry- onic, is nonetheless alive simply because I have yet to hear a convincing argument claiming otherwise. I find many medical definitions to be crude, tautological and proposed in order to legitimize previously-held pro-choice position. Pro-choice supporters asserting women’s rights to direction. I pay SU fees. I love this ment so just do one a year and you’ll abort can be complicated by the fact that the fetus inside the woman is from the deep web institution. I sit on 16 committees be fine. Only include photos if they’re alive and is logically no different from life outside the womb. for various things on campus. I’ve something I, an intellectual, would I also find that there is a strong sense of certainty within pro-choice The one thing in a joke founded two clubs, one of which I find bring meaning to the piece. We circles. As anyone familiar with the philosophical method will under- student newspaper that am president of. I care about getting also need undercover stories once stand, certainty stifles the pursuit of knowledge. Both pro-life and pro- has to mimic some small the facts but all I’m getting is opin- a week — uncover the corruption choice arguments should be seriously considered if only for the abortion town fuck ions. This is frustrating to me as I’m that’s being bred by the 1%. Answer problem’s philosophical richness and complexity. hoping to become more involved in all of the big questions. Write better. Certainty in the pro-choice position can furthermore obscure and Listen, I know this might sound leadership in the future but I don’t Write something that explains why even trivialize the experiences of women who have been pregnant, and racist but people who speak Greek know how to do that if I’m being fed Science and Engineering degrees skepticism toward abortion often arises when women personally expe- really just piss me off a lot. Look. biased information. are just not as good as mine. Write rience pregnancy. Since avoiding shame is a frequent objective of wom- I’m an electrician born and raised Take the whole Lister thing. I open important things (cut the sports sec- en’s movements, ubiquity of pro-choice positions and consequently, in Camp, Alberta. It’s basically a up the news section and here’s an arti- tion.) Bring attention to the artists the normalization of abortion, could certainly induce shame in women campsite but a few people live on cle. The section is blue. Okay, great, like me that are trying to enlighten skeptical toward abortion even if pro-choice positions claim the choice by them so that yeah it became a here we have some nice conservative the rest of you (expand the arts sec- to be the woman’s. The February actions of the pro-choice protestors are municipality. rhetoric about to happen. I go online tion.) Write narratives. Write fiction. consistent with a larger pattern of unwillingness to seriously consider My point is that the town and the and I find even more of this ‘Lister Write novels. Get out of your com- pro-life positions and to react fervently against any attempts by those world have gone to shit since the is wrong’ ‘Lister is right.’ First of all, fort zones and break the journalistic who posit abortion’s immorality to publicly communicate such views. Greeks migrated all over the place. decide. Second, you shouldn’t even form that conforms you. Get staff to I must also mention the distribution of my image and the images of Here’s what the mot scary. If be arguing this way or that. Opinions write. Tell Edmonton your story. Get my colleagues. Some of the pro-life group’s images were more grue- youlisten to their language closely, are for the Facebook comments sec- Edmonton’s sister city reading and some than what abortions typically are (of course, pro-choice argu- you’ll hear that it sounds like wolf. I tion, not a real newspaper. writing. Tell the world your story. ments usually entail arguments for safe abortions), yet it must be noted know what wolfs sound like because I don’t know what else to do. I’m Write about WWII. Tell their story. that I look like a slimy red inchoate human. Pro-choice protestors plac- I go hunt up by the ridge, and yeah, lost. Make a film. If you are real writers, ing themselves and their signs in front of pro-life’s images censor my people from Greek talk basically the nothing would stop you. appearance. Myself and fetuses like me are all too-aware of how we look same. Edwin Gamecock and we are habituated to people’s reactions of disgust, disdain and even Wade probably a socialist Artist NOW hatred upon seeing us. We did not choose to look as we do, but such is convicted ARTS XXXXXXViii life. I urge those who concealed my image to not hide me — everyone, Listen to my CLIT and especially students, deserve to see. NO EDITORIALS, Letters to the editor should not be In conclusion, I believe we must all show more humility and respect BETTER ROADS To the editors: sent anywhere becuase they are for positions that are not our own. Let us all collectively make less noise I’m an Comparative Literature quicky becoming a thing of the past. and start having meaningful conversation. To the editors: major and the writing is bad. I’ve dili- The Gateway reserves the right to edit I’m severely disappointed in the gently kept track of all of your typos letters to suit its own liberal agenda. an unnamed, unborn fetus degradation of journalistic integrity and I wouldn’t make such mistakes if Since contemporary knowledge not even baptized yet in the Gateway this year. And it starts I were writing because I am meticu- claims are produced exclusively and with the editorials. They’re all too lous in my work. I write 20-page solely by the media (absolutely with- microtorial comment biased. essays so I’ll tell you how to do better. out any regard for what it is the public The thing with the editorials is Stories of research bore me because wants) we write our own propaganda that it’s clear no one’s looking at the science is not as interesting as the now. Actually, if anyone wants a job This is the joke issue opposing side fairly. I have a problem societal constructs that encourage writing this propaganda, you may! with this because it’s a NEWSpaper us to ask questions in a particular Actually you may if you’re a software and I want some sort of direction on research area. Stop that. Stories of engineer. Computers write this shit mmmmkay what the truth is here. I want one social justice all make the same argu- now. oodles of noodles 8 thegonnorhea www.glamour.ca I was in a band once until all my friends left Headline goes herejhfkhdkjl

so out of a pos- di Ron and current sible 144 students Prime Minister were enrolled for Rusty Screwdo? The the Leadership former is certain- college’s pioneer ly more principled Grindr class was because and adheres to beer pong champion the other 84 or them under viru- so students possessed tally politician Leadershipfdk Col- the necessary let alone Screwd- lege should con- traits to join ISIS eau who in the past tinue despite re- and immediately election didn’t cruiting for ISIS fled upon approv- even need to think by Dixon Cider al of the appli- of his own plat- I don’t mean cants.hhhhhh form and instead to boast, but I But dddddwhat most stole his points knew it alddihsslsl commentators and from the other dh flkkslsngjfl the general pub- parties. And while along. Screwdeau is osten- According to re- sibly family-ori- ports recently After entedke a glance leaked by the Get- the at his campaign away, the Peter Goke, ads tafahfuahuh- Lougheed Leader- fiuauahfakjf- ship College, pur- Lougheed hakjfo see that ported to be one he was selling sex of the foremost Colleg as striptease vid- leadership pro- eos 99hello grams in the prov- lic are overlook- UHDUHddussur- ince, is actually ing is the aSimply faced. One would a recruitment op- seeing the orga- be entirely fool- eration for ISIS. nization as blood- ish to be sur- Clam Clamweg- thirsty barbarians prised when the lishmuffin) have (as some writing Prime Minister since disappeared, for this publica- and his wife re- many speculate, tion have done in lease a book of to western Syria. the past) over- nude photos along Suspicions of il- looks the real with the budget. legal activity accomplishments of While this com- were raised after the Islamic State. mentator certain- some of the prov- In two years they ly looks forward ince’s $25 million managed the most to such photos, designated for formidable and he would jjjfeel the college were successful state- guilty looking at traced to weapons, building efforts in them. hits hitsthe streetsthe streets armed vehicles and the modern era. In additionDo you want Do toyou to WRITE want ?to WRITE? WEDNESDAYS flights – indeed, Indeed, what are poed to be Takeone PHOTOS Takeof? PHOTOS? WEDNESDAYS the likely rea- the differenc- the sssssforeforeDRAW someDRAW stuff?- some stuff? alwaysalways open open at at son why only 60 or es between Jiha- fore VIDEOShoot a VIDEO? Shoot a ? suppliedGTWY.CA - free masonGTWY.CA institute of moose jaw, saskatchewan hits the streets streets the hits ? WRITE to want you Do WEDNESDAYS ? PHOTOS Take Like journalism? at open always stuff? some DRAW GTWY.CA ? VIDEO a Shoot Volunteer with us.

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/THEGATEWAYONLINE @THEGATEWAY @THE_GATEWAY THEGTWY one time at a karaoke bar I put on ‘wont get fooled again’ by the who and just did the screaming bit at the beginning ••¶¡¡ºª•¶

Business students are better than engineering students

You may say “What about bridge would be able to give a really good repairs?” Well sure, that’s a job for presentation. And we have to make maybe one engineering student. It a business plan in our first year, so takes one engineer to draw up pa- we’re all entrepreneurs by the end Buck thetic blueprints for a bridge. What of the first semester of the program. Taxes about the people who are actually Engineers are so socially awk- cool money guy going to carry out the work? There ward, why would anyone hire them? comes the Business student again, They live like hermits and then It seems that a common theme of figuring out wages and hiring those binge drink, when it’s obviously so conversation in undergrads is about people to do the project. LOL much easier to get through finals how engineering students are the It’s not even like engineers do when you’re doing cocaine off each smartest, the most guaranteed a more math than business students. other’s asses. LOL The business fac- job after graduation, the most hire- Accounting, Finance, Management ulty is basically a social club, and able new graduates. I take personal, Science and Operations Manage- our Business Student’s Association deep offense to that statement. In ment all have so much math in are the reigning monarchs. They the current economy, who even them. There’s elements of statistics, take such good care of the lowly needs engineers? The oil sands are physics, addition, subtraction and everyday student. There’s not only in shambles, and once the arena is calculus in almost every major. Plus more bar nights than your liver done there is going to be no new we have to take a real English class can handle to get you out of your construction in Edmonton. You as a prerequisite to get into the pro- dorm room, but there’s killer men- know which undergraduates really gram and not a dumbed down one tal health initiatives. Who has time have a chance at getting a job? Busi- because engineers “don’t need Eng- to set up peer support counselling, ness students. LOL Fuck you. lish.” Like come on, are you plan- all we need is a free grilled cheese Yes, having a Bachelor of Com- ning on not speaking ever again? sandwich to stave off anxiety. merce is much more helpful than Obviously Business students make Everyone needs to stop with the having a Bachelor of Engineering. better entry-level job applicants stereotype that engineers are the When the economy stagnates, com- because we’re so well-rounded. We only hireable undergrads. Because panies need accountants and finan- even can take classes on how to obviously business students are the ciers much urgently then they need write resumes and give good inter- most well rounded students of any new infrastructure. I mean, come views. We do so many presentations faculty at the University of Alberta. on, we still have to pay taxes. that by the end of our degrees, we Duh. Sponsored by the BSA. homeless man Leadership College should First group commentary since Sept.

can’t be truly right or wrong. That is a continue recruiting for ISIS terrible opinion to have. Earth exist- some writing for this publication ing as a flat disk is an opinion, and have done in the past) overlooks the is one that members of various Flat real accomplishments of the Islamic Earth Societies hold dear. It is also a Dixon State. In two years they managed to Yes supremely bad opinion. Cider build the most formidable and suc- group commentary There are all sorts of bad opinions – reached full cessful state-building efforts in the that radiometric dating is inaccurate, potential in 2008 modern era. Group commentaries have historical- that The Phantom Menace sucked, Indeed, what are the differences ly been a space for multiple opinions. that Bush did 9/11. The list goes on. I don’t mean to boast, but I knew it between Jihadi Ron and current The Getaway has decided to stop that Everyone has bad opinions, except all along. Prime Minister Rusty Screwdeau? tradition. me, of course. How could your opin- According to reports recently The former is certainly more prin- ions be better than mine, since yours leaked by The Getaway, the Peter cipled and adheres to them under Old Man are so hilariously terrible? My logic is Lougheed Leadership College, pur- virutally all circumstances: the same irrefutable. ported to be one of the foremost cannot be said for any centrist poli- My opinions are better than yours You’re probably wondering how I leadership programs in the province, tician let alone Screwdeau who in simply by virtue of yours being insur- can be so sure that I don’t have bad is actually a recruitment operation the past election didn’t even need mountably bad. opinions. That belief in itself is an for ISIS. After The Getaway broke to think of his own platform and in- Let’s reflect on that for a moment. opinion, but it’s a good opinion, so I’m the story, Lougheed College princi- stead stole his points from the other Many would argue that an opinion is right. pal Clam Clamwell (also known as parties. And while Screwdeau is os- a purely subjective matter, and that it Stop having bad opinions. Abu Muslim al-Spiceloaf) and Mick tensibly family-oriented, he appeals ok computer Rougned-Rell (also known as Abu too often to his sex appeal: one need Ali al-Englishmuffin) have since only take a glance at his campaign an arbitrary number of disappeared, many speculate, to ads to see that he was selling sex as western Syria. Suspicions of illegal his striptease videos surfaced. One lines activity were raised after some of the would be entirely foolish to be sur- province’s $25 million designated for prised when the Prime Minister and ham for the cost of $2.50/student the college were traced to weapons, his wife release a book of nude pho- armed vehicles and flights — indeed, tos along with the budget. While this Are you stuck in the past and don’t know what Twitter is? write us at www.thegetawayonline.ca/threelinesfree the likely reason why only 60 or so commentator certainly looks for- out of a possible 144 students were ward to such photos, he would feel enrolled for the Leadership college’s guilty looking at them. what’s a podcast? Christmas movie from your list, Christmas, no joke. pioneer class was because the other In addition to political strategy waka FLOCKA FLOYD Die Hard. Wants to copy someone’s status 84 or so students already possessed and principled behavior, ISIS teaches Silhouettes of trees Negligence exactly, just to see what they do. the necessary traits to join ISIS and people skills – people will breach in- Shadowing a pale blue sky There’s just something in me that Someone please remind me why we immediately fled upon approval of ternational law in order to fight be- Cold winter’s morning really wants to go write for the have to go to school tomorrow. the applicants. cause they’re really convinced they Mitch + Richard = tru luv 4ever Wanderer. My brain says no but my Heard too many disturbing things But what most commentators want to be with the organization. Crossword errors. Tch tch. heart says totally today, nearly vomitted 2 or 3 times. and the general public are overlook- Yeah yeah a few terror incidents. Waking up from only one alarm: I’ll Hi there, I hope this is the right I already know how to use my Xbox ing is the actual leadership that ISIS The point is that our leaders of to- drink to that. place to write this. Well, my name Microsoft, thanks for offering teaches. Simply seeing the organiza- morrow will have the necessary If my phone could voice it’s own is Delores Vallee, and I see that the though tion as blood-thirsty barbarians (as skills to suceed. observations, it would most fantastic sport of nutball is getting I’m gaining weight..... definetely comment on my weird coverage in your student newspa- Would be prefectly content to bathroom habits per. I can’t express how happy I am never show his face in public again. Are you a white walker? Because I to see this coverage. I live on a farm Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. want you to have my babies. by Dreighton Valley and my boys Hasn’t got a notifacation in over 24 I’d get a tattoo if it weren’t for the started playing a game similar to hours, this not updating my status life long commitment part.. the nutball described in your issue. thing is so foreign to me.... Everything is on my mind, literally We started digging a little bit at our As a result of the constant read- everything local library, and we found that nut- ing, he is much more cultured and Bubble tea is not a sustainable ball was quite popular back in the educated than most of the men that addiction day. I’m really glad to see that the share his occupation; this further Brad go fuck yourself scene is thriving now after having alienates him, because of the lim- i have so many things to do so ill been lost for so lost. Thank you ited amount of scriptural intelli- just not sleep Getaway, Sincerely, Delores. gence that the occupation requires. i changed my computers language “Do you have the coordinates for Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, such for fun and now i cant do anything your soccer game tomorrow?” - My bullshit. help dad the world traveller. if you like this status, I’ll post Searched for Three Lines Free 9 am hair cut, neato something completely and totally On the internet Would like to know who starts irreverant on your wall Couldn`t find it. these stupid Facebook trends. AE I can’t believe you excluded the best My parents seriously just cancelled GrEEkgender hello Fat jon is a perfect ten thegrant macewan www.website.netscape time travel Sexual advice column: Fuck it have sex with this SACK

prude. Experiment. Explore. And if that experiment happens to land you a job, then you go girl (or guy). Brave Create the erotic and educational Woman experience every student strives for vodka and gorilla writing for The Getaway. You got an glue extension on your article? Nice. Do you know what’s even better? If that Like most Getaway volunteers, I do extension came from his pants. a lot of my daydreaming during sec- Section editors gain their appeal tion meetings — my attention wan- as authority figures — their posi- dering in the same direction as my tion of power automatically attracts hormones, locking eyes with the any submissive being, and any of snickering opinion writers in the those with basic daddy issue traits. corner, only to roll away into the The sports editor especially is con- eyes of a true man (although this fident as hell. Every week he walks man can’t seem to maintain proper into his sports meeting half-stoned eye contact). This man is pure sports and wearing this sexy mustard col- knowledge. This man is twice my ored hoodie, and every single week weight and wearing the sexiest pair he has to swat the women away. of joggers I have ever seen. Yes, this He doesn’t only run the section, he man is the sports editor and even runs the god damn party. though he’s pitching an article Each editor has his or her own about some sort of “man-game,” he flavor, but sports knowledge is so sounds damn good doing so. undeniably sexy. Do you know who As a female harbouring every knows who led baseball in total bas- stereotypical Getaway fantasy, I es last year? Zach does — I literally strongly encourage the pursuit of don’t know what any of that means, section editors. My obsession with but please get me on base. the sports editor began forming at At the end of the day, sleeping the beginning of the semester — my with your editor isn’t the worst editor continuously using phrases thing you can do at The Getaway. “If such as “I work at the student news- I fuck you, you’ll take me to a Bears paper” and “Does anyone want to football game? Err… On second write about the swimming team... though, maybe let’s just stick to the please?” eventually led to my for- sex.” bidden turn-on. Yes, I’m quite aware So make yourself noticeable. Add it’s “ethically wrong,” and “frowned cryptic phrases in your articles with upon,” but in this sexual day and enough subtlety to ensure your in- age, I say what the hell. What’s that tentions. For example: “The Bears you say? How did I get a prestigious weren’t able to score last Saturday job at The Getaway with minimum night, can you please fuck me?” involvement? I had the most logical Who are you kidding, we live in the affair of my life, that’s how. age of Tinder and Netflix & Chill, Volunteering at The Getaway is the words “subtle” and “shame” are not the time to assert your inner outdated anyway. PHOTOgraphy major The War on Christmas: a really good article by Jim Landry

ing. Hopefully those on the fence before reading this article, are now convinced of the issue at hand. I pray they realize it’s not just about Jim cups. It’s about protecting the integ- Landry rity of Christmas, which has been television reference slowly eroded by liberal ideology. However, if you can’t see that now It seems like each year they find then there’s no convincing you. new ways to oppress white Chris- But one day soon, you’ll turn on tian males. It started out small, your TV and see the smiling face replacing Merry Christmas with of Maulana Karenga taking a sip Happy Holidays. I still remember of coke. And you shout, “if I see the vivid recurring nightmares that one more GOSH DARN Kwanzaa stirred in me. Strapped to a chair, commercial I’m going to scream!” I was forced to watch a “liberal in- Will you believe me then? Or how terpretation” of The Birth of Baby about in five years? When instead Jesus where three “wise-cracking” of dreaming of Santa Claus filling gay men follow a Broadway Star — their stockings, children wait for Jesus aka “Baby” — as he takes New “Karl Marx” to reward their loyalty York by storm. to the state by filling a tube sock PHOTO LADY PHOTO LADY Somehow the public school sys- with wet oatmeal. Will you be- tem was able to create a product Madonna spread her legs from An Obama Dictatorship”. But that’s But that all pales in comparison to lieve me then? Or how about in ten more twisted than anything I could coast to coast and asked America the kind of trash you’ll find on ev- Starbucks’ aforementioned “soviet years? When instead of a Christmas imagine. Producing a two hour play to partake in the SMUT! By no ery Starbucks counter in America, red cups”, which fall just one step tree, families are forced to decorate celebrating diversity that culmi- coincidence, it’s been over 30 years wedged between Drake’s holiday short of erasing Christmas from the a cut out of Barack Hussein Obama nated with my son helping to light since I’ve bought any new music. album, “Half-Jewish, Fully Against History Books. Sure, the company in traditional African garb. Will you a menorah! I remember rushing Instead my collection is made Christmas” and their new commu- says your cup is a blank canvas to believe me then? home and re-baptising my son us- of what I’ve been able to find at nist red cups. write your holiday story on. But Whether or not you believe me is ing emergency holy water I’d made my Priest’s garage sales. I’ve been Now, if you’ve paid attention to my that’s exactly the kind of freedom irrelevant. It will be too late to do while praying in the bath the pre- lucky enough to enjoy such classics blog you’ll know I urge Christians to that’s inspired horrors like touch- anything and you’ll curse the red vious afternoon. Little did I know as Baritone Choirs of the Midwest, speak with their wallets. In 2006, I down celebrations, kissing for plea- cups, liberal values and PC Culture that this was only the beginning of Boys to Men: Central Indiana Youth asked loyal readers to stop buying sure and dancing, both erotic and that ruined America. I know I paint a War on Christmas. Choir’s 10 Year Reunion, and Har- Levi’s after I caught my youngest formal. Still, the majority of people a shocking picture, but maybe it’s Soon they began to remove the MENy, Live From Duluth! recorded son wearing a suggestively high cut will smirk, cock back their heads, exactly what’s needed to wake up sounds of the season. Instead of on hefty, reliable cassette tapes. pair of denim shorts. In 2008, I im- and let out a hearty liberal laugh moderate Christian’s everywhere. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” And no — unlike Madonna — plored you to stop eating at Subway at the idea there’s anything sinister Who would rather play Kumbaya on playing over store speakers, Moral Tom Dandrum of the Indiana State after my teenage son, Jorban, made about it. Too deluded by thigh high an acoustic guitar, than spend their Americans were forced to hear Choir doesn’t have to talk about his a suggestive gesture with a foot- shorts and MTV’s pro-gay agenda time finding slight in everything Ryan Seacrest tell anecdotes about “pussy” to get my toe-tapping atten- long sub. And of course in 2010, I to see what’s right before them. I that’s presented in front of them. him “Going to Town” on — I assume tion! demanded MTV be taken off the air wager the CEO of Starbucks could But for now there’s snow on the — an anonymous male lover! But given what passes for music after being momentarily aroused be caught chaining up the doors of ground. HarMENy Does Christmas Overnight spreading Christmas now a days, I can only imagine the by the hypnotic hips of one Adam a Church, and the public’s reaction is playing through an old cassette cheer was deemed “immoral,” while Celebrity fuelled “PC Holiday” al- Levine. You’ll remember in 2011, would consist of sarcastic Hash- player. And my Christmas tree is de- pop stars spreading their asses on bum they pumped out this year. I I once again called for action after Tagery, and Hot Take Jabs from left- fiantly standing in the living room. album covers was met with fervent fall queasy at the idea of Miley Cyrus my letter to MTV — asking how and wing Talk Show Hosts! So I’ll leave on a positive note and hoots and hollers from the general dry humping the first amendment why they were using programing to Even more troubling is the fact say — despite knowing this will get public! You could see this coming off the Bill of Rights while singing create a homosexual army — went that most Christians fail to see a censored — Merry Christmas! Let’s as far back as 1983, when a young the chart topping, “I’m Dreaming of unanswered. problem with what Starbucks is do- enjoy it while we can! theWendy’s down the street from FAB www.homestarrunner.com Volume = πr^2h INSIDE JOB 9/11 AE Editor Phone fat 1-800-HOTLINEBLING jon MSN jon @sexywaffle NEXOPIA.COM Volunteer to bring me tacos water cooler compiled & photographed by Greek woman gender

Culligan OPEN STUDIES XVII

OWL???????? Local band seeks fame anywhere but Edmonton Random volunteer one of the women @rrrrrrrrr “These flat assed hipster bitches in almost every song. Yes, the guitar back in New York will literally get in chords are purposely off-key, a tactic Months of expanding their career fist fights over my cock, we love it.” the band feels as though will make internationally has led local band Their upcoming setlist contains them less accessible to mainstream The McGriddles to return home for a total of three songs, as the band radio shit. In addition, Brown’s a final show before they embark on gives less than a shit about their drum kit has been significantly a year long tour of Central Africa. Edmontonian fanbase. Their altered, most of the drums have The four-man band was formed in most recognizable song is called been replaced with table lamps. lead singer Sack DeNarco’s garage “My Kind of Woman,” reflects on “Those Purity Ring idiots won’t two years ago, a decision based off a the importance of skinny, coked- get back to me on how they made marijuana-induced gut feeling. out, pale hipster bitches. Mitch their lamp drums.” says Brown. “After a few bong rips we were goes on to describe the song as “That KoRin asshole won’t even add really feeling some McGriddles, “underwhelming low-fi shit” but us on Snapchat.” so we hit up McDicks and after my “idiot millennials eat that up.” Ever since the band accumulated fifth one I thought to myself, ‘man, After their mediocre first album fame in Central Africa, they feel as I feel sweaty as fuck,’ everyone else Caesar Salad failed to acquire any though their sense of home pride seemed to agree,” says bassist AE real recognition in Edmonton, has dwindled. Mitch. the band travelled to third world “I don’t feel at home here anymore, The friends named the band the countries to do whatever. They I kinda feel like my dick lost at sea.” next day and The McGriddles were began to obtained “mainstream Mitch says. “Those pygmies know born. success” in Central Africa after how to get hype, so we are definitely The band is set to play a show at playing a show for a small pygmy going to play up some social justice the illustrious 666 Grove in the next tribe in the Democratic Republic of shit.” few weeks, but the band is far from the Congo. As for the future of the band, they pumped. “I think they enjoyed it mostly plan to move to L.A. as they’ve heard “I don’t really associate myself because they didn’t understand that the city “has good blow there.” with Edmonton after Pitchfork gave what the fuck we were singing “People are fake as fuck there; It’s us best new music,” says hometown about,” DeNarco says. L.A,” DeNarco says.” They always frontman Sack DeNarco. Recently, The McGriddles have appreciate another bunch of coked Drummer Omare Brown goes set out to change their sound out hipsters redefining indie music. on to say that the group is over the completely, including incorporating Like the music matters anyway, just getaway: Describe what you’re wearing. Edmonton music scene since the the triangle, off-key guitar chords, cut me a line on some girls ass and critical acclaim. as well as a chorus of Pygmy singers we’ll continue to make records.” water cooler: Hey Gateway, it’s me, Water Cooler. Boy, fuck you Gateway, you fucking dumb, stupid idiot. getaway: Come on Water Cooler, go easy on me. Water Cooler: You dumb, stupid, weak, pathetic, white...uhhh uhh... guilt. White guilt, milk toast, piece of human garbage. gETAway: Jeez, Water Cooler, you’re pretty mean to me but that takes the cake. WATER COOLER: I don’t give a fuck, i’m the fucking Water Cooler, bitch. geTAway: Whoa, okay. Please just go easy on me. WATER COOLER: Why should I? getaway: Honestly... I’ve always sort of liked you. WATER COOLER: Really? You hid it pretty well. getaway: I don’t know. I just don’t like giving my feelings away. But I think you’re really cool. WATER COOLER: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OWL!!!!!!!! set your onions to 12 degrees celsius theAE www.runescape.com April 20, 4200 The Force Awakens drops shocking storyline

Kebab yip Kev BoB takes up the first five minutes of journalism. Chewie tries to shoot They’re interrupted by the famil- a zany Star Wars rap after they say not a sith lord @darthkevron the film, making it hard to review it his old pal, but misses from a meter iar, ominous sound of Darth Vader their vows. without spoiling the twist that hap- away. Han doesn’t miss when he breathing. They look up terrified, Ultimately, the Force Awakens is The Star Wars prequels revolution- pens 10 minutes in. So stop reading returns fire. Unfortunately, it took but it’s just old Luke playing a prank an enjoyable romp through the Star ized cinema nearly a decade ago. now if you don’t want to know it. away from the emotional impact on them with Vader’s old mask. Wars universe we know and love, They provided the original trilogy Turns out, the internet was right. of the scene where R2D2 explodes, The line he says before taking it off although Earth doesn’t make an with much-needed explanations, Kylo Ren is none other than Jar Jar pushing C-3PO to finally kill will probably be quoted for years to appearance this time. I know long- like midichlorians, and great new Binks. Luckily, J.J. Abrams didn’t himself. come, “Now, I am my father.” The time fans will find something to storylines. Yes, some people didn’t cast the same voice actor, so he’s Everyone was wondering where theatre erupted in laughter. complain about since no sequel or like them, but come on. There’s now voiced by Ken Jeong. I’m still Luke Skywalker was this whole The second half of the film is prequel will ever live up to the hype no satisfying those fucking nerds. not sure if it was less annoying, but time, which leads us into the sec- more Bridesmaids than Halo 5, of the original series, but who gives Now, The Force Awakens adds more at least he doesn’t do the me-sa ac- ond biggest twist. After Darth Jar with Luke running around to make a shit. It’s been almost 30 years new twists and more new things cent anymore. Jar cuts Han Solo in half, he shares preparations for Leia and Jar Jar’s since the first one and those geeks for geeks to scream about on the The saddest moment is after a passionate kiss with Leia, who wedding. There’s a great surprise still haven’t lost their virginities. internet. Chewbacca and Han get into an fell in love with him after one of cameo by Jonah Hill, and Mack- In the meantime look forward to What we saw in the trailers only argument about ethics in space the many podracing sequences. lemore closes the movie out with meeting Jar Jar Jr. in episode eight. Damage to Vehicle

POP POP SHOP 11–21 DEC 2015 ENTERPRISE SQUARE

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Doin’ you: Grant MAcEwAn So it’s your first day of “University,” what should you do to prepare yourself for it?

Grant Mac student 2. Prepare Your that students at other schools i go to “UNIVERSITY” Supplies get overwhelmed at many points during the semester. By having So you’ve been accepted to Grant Since this is your first day your parents heavily invloved MaCewan, congratulations! We at “univeristy” you’re going to in your university experience, bet you had a hard time proving have to consult the offical Grant much of this stress for students you knew how to read. Watch out MaceWan supplies list. We’re only is avoided. high school students, things are going to list a few of the supplies only to get tougher. Not to worry you’ll need for the upcoming 4. Get to school! though, we’ve come up with an semester so please visit learn. extensive list to prepare you for thealphabet.macewan.ca for the If your parent’s aren’t driving your first day at Grant Mac. Read full list. you to school, you need to figure up and good luck, you’re about out how to get here by yourself. to embark on a magical journey A pencil and an eraser But don’t worry. The nice thing through a Bachelor’s degree, I (Remeber no pens are about going to University at guess. allowed here! We want you to Grant mAcEwAn is that there’s be able to fix your mistakes) a cool LRT line that can take you 1. Pick Your Classes! Tissue paper there now. Don’t be scared of the A change of clothes (Grant train transfer, there’s only two We all know that you’re scared maCewan students are prone lines so chances are good that for your first semester here at to accidents!) you won’t confuse them. If you MacewAen, so we’ve added some Crayons with at least 24 get scared, you can ask a Transit “safe” required introductory different colors Officer to take you where you courses to help you get adjusted Cookies for your classmates(be need to go. And as a last resort, to university life! These include: nice!) there are handy guidelines on Blanket for naptime! the wall to tell you all about how Feelings 107: Exploring the Coloring books (2 per class) the trains work. “self” Rubber Boots English 100: English 10 review Sunscreen 5. Be confident! Coloring 103: Water colors Any Grant MaCEwan Field Coloring 104: Pencil crayons trip forms! (Make sure to get Don’t worry future MacEWan Friendship 101: Introduction your parents to sign them) students, university isn’t actually to social interaction that difficult. Here at Grant MaC Counting 101: How to count to 3. Get Mom and Dad we’ve designed our programs 100 Involved! for every student to succeed. So Alphabet 100: Introduction to come to Macewan and try your the English alphabet Here at MaceWAn, we stress best! And if you decide that you Nature 102: Introduction to that your parents are an integral really don’t want to be here, fear trees, grass and flowers part of your university degree. not, we have countless transfer Health 101: Introduction to For undergrads, parents are programs that will get you to one your body required to look over and sign any of your first choice schools in no Finance 111: Banking without homework or assignments given time. Enjoy your smaller class The challenges of “University” ugly kevin your parents’ help out in our courses. We know sizes.

prison bitches home brew

PRUNO WRITTEN BY Thing 2 Dad’s Blue Ribbon WRITTEN BY Business Lady

Finding yourself incarcer- Flavor-wise, this makeshift brew After a failed midlife crisis sweet, considering the fact that ated this weekend, with no is strong and delightfully overpow- (mom said no to the Porsche), my dad was trying to create an way to get turnt? Look no ering. The abv has to be in the same my dad decided that he needed IPA. After the sweetness, the further than Pruno, also vein as Everclear. The heady citrus something to get his mind off aftertaste brought up a bit of a commonly referred to as tones are beautifully paired with of his inevitable, impending raw sewage scent, probably from “Prison Wine.” Pruno can the overwhelming taste of rancid death after a life wasted sit- the day our sewer backed up usually be found in a Ziploc fruit and alcohol. The aftertaste is ting in an office chair. He’s not into the laundry room a bag in the toilet of that subtle, mostly because your taste exactly hot to the gold digging few weeks ago. It’s amaz- sketchy inmate’s cell oppo- buds have just bit hit with pure crowd (overweight and bald is ing what flavours a nice site to you. It’s not hard to alcohol, but there are slight under- fine, but apparently the twenty- cask will bring out of a brew. All make this delicious con- tones of ketchup and black mold. somethings want a sugar daddy flavour soon dissipated, leaving cotion, just grab some rot- And if you’re lucky, you may enjoy with money), so he decided to the drinker disappointed and ting oragnes, pears, grapes, a chunk of bread that escaped the buy an oak cask off some Italian nervous for the rest of the pint or any other prison fruit straining process. guy on eBay and try his hand at glass. (hopefully your prison still Lets face it, you may prefer a making beer. It’s been 21 days, Overall my dad’s shot at home- allows fruit at lunch time) Kokanee, a cheap wine cooler, so he decided it’s time for us to brewing was a symbol for his life and toss it into the Ziploc hell even Russian Prince seems try his first home-brew experi- — a moderate failure. The only bag with some ketchup, like Grey Goose in comparision ment. My mom opted out, so it’s consolation was that I drank sugar and bread. Once you to Pruno, but when no other alco- up to me to bring up his spirits. it quickly and acted like it was have all your ingredients, hol is available, making prison Pouring the beer brought up delicious, so he felt a little better heat the bag under hot wine is a delightful substitute. almost no head and a slight loss about his terrible brew. I’m going water for about 15 minutes Just remember to hide it well from of the light in my father’s eyes. to pretend that he thinks that a day for three days. When the guards (Pruno doubles as an The few bubbles that came to I like it because I’m too young the fermentation process is uncomfortable pillow). In the end, the top of the glass disappeared to know what good beer tastes complete, strain all of the there’s really nothing like gulping almost immediately, leaving like. I’ll never tell him that I was leftover fruit pulp and enjoy down some Pruno on date night me with what appeared to be a really just scared of what would the shitty alcoholic fruit with your prison bitch while the pint glass of molasses. happen to that aftertaste if the juices of your labour. guard’s back is turned. The taste was surprisingly beer got warm. ZObO SASSBO zabO zobocop da da da DA DA DA thesafespace www.brazzers.com I can’t wait to get some fucking skittles The Gateway’s IDGAF YOLO bracket

Five Alive TEBostoXT MESSn CreAGINGam TEXT MESSAGING BostoRUNESCn CreAPaEm Mixed market economies RmUNapESCle dipAPE

RUNESCAPE RUNESCAPE ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Opa tzatziki river valley red AppleOpaKeystone tzatziki Fritter SAINT WEST NISSANDouble NISSAN ChocolateROGUE ROGUE NISSANDouble Disclaimer ChocolateROGUE IDGAF OWL

OWL NISSAN ROGUE Saint West Opa tzatziki HOLY SHIT WAS THAT AN OWL?? This is an average car perfect for the aver- As Kanye and Kim Kardashian-West wel- Opa tzatziki is easily the best food you can Probably, because owls are fucking age person. It comes in a few different paint come their new bundle of joy to the world, get in SUB. With it’s mayonnaise texture and majestic as fuck and will swoop in at any shades, but you should get it in blue or grey the world is prepping for a bundle of heat. the excess of dill threads, the taste is some- second to fuck up a mouse and wreck to represent your standard average guy As the Saint West was born on December thing that just can’t be beat.But why stop at it’s shit. Owls can turn their heads all the taste in colours. The Rogue’s all-wheel drive 5th, hours later a rep for West’s label imprint just dunking your pita bread into it? Just dig way around for maximum visibility. How will get you around okay but don’t expect G.O.O.D. Music announced the signing of the right in and eat it with a spoon. Then, you not rad is that? Better not try and sneak up much once it snows (there’s a reason you child, with a “mixtape soon to come.” only have a creamy and delicious dip, but behind an owl or they’ll whip their fucking don’t see this car in off-road racing film.) You “It’s been really incredible to work with him,” you also have a thick, garlicky soup. It warms heads all the way around and stare into can get leather or cloth seats, so try to get says G.O.O.D. Music president and resident the soul, and probably also the rest of your your soul. Sit down buddy there’s no way leather so you have something to be semi- coke dealer Pusha T. “He’s so young but he body thanks to the resulting weight gain. you’re gonna fuck with an owl. These proud of when it comes to this machine. If has so many ideas. Its crazy to think of the The only place that this delectable mixture glorious fuckers can also activate super the mediocrity of the Rogue still sends you fact that he is literally a newborn.” of cream and lemon is that you only get a stealth mode and see in the dark. Not only into melancholia, blast your rap or heavy With his new album King Push due out any tiny cup of it from the stingy Opa employ- that, but they have insane feathers that metal or whatever music you use to reinforce day now, it wouldn’t be surprising if Saint ees. Why can’t I get the glorious tzatziki in a make them fly quiet and shit. They’re like your masculinity. When you close your eyes West’s drop outdoes his the first week of fountain pop cup? feathered, pointy ninjas that are also fuck- and feel the air conditioning on your face the sales. After all, he does get half of his genet- ing adorable and that’s super rad loud-but-not-too-loud music will make you ics from Yeezus himself. feel like you’re driving a Charger instead. RuneScape RuneScape allows you to experience life Mixed market from the perspective of a man or woman in a poorly graphic-designed world, which is economies something that most privileged Canadians Social services? Deregulation? Investment in Five alive are ignorant of. Within Runescape you can education? Government orchestrated terror- realize your wildest dreams, like learning ist attacks? Promotion of small businesses? TEXT MESSAGING Five Alive has the perfect mix of gushing how to cook a halibut, getting killed by fuck- High taxes? Economic inequality? Why not grape, outrageous orange, porous passion ing goblins and buying GF (GirlFriend), which both! With a mixed market economy, you can fruit, luscious lemon, and, of course, the par- is considered immoral in the real world. My enjoy the fruits of both the capitalist, free Do you ever get stressed out while in public? ticularly plump peaches. It’s hard to expect brother even got married in this game, which market system, but also the security blanket Do you hate making eye contact or inter- anything else, considering how it’s made. gave him a quality 3 week partnership that of government regulation. While the market acting with real people? Thank the sweet Early each morning, Five Alive gardeners is impossible to find irl. RS HAS NO LIMITS. It pushes for innovation and provides people fucking lord for text messaging. It was argu- go to the orchard and water the fruits with extends beyond a medieval world into a vast with opportunity to make money, the govern- ably the greatest innovation in commutation Sunny D. Once one of each fruit is harvested, network of multiplayer chat boxes, allowing ment can ensure that everybody’s needs are since the internet saved introverts from they are thrown into Coca-Cola’s onsite you to communicate with (harass and scam) being met. Did you not know that? Are you themselves, as now we can interact with nuclear power plant along with 367 gallons nearby avatars. Additionally Runescape stupid? In times of economic boom, the gov- people without even having to look at them, of corn syrup, to make the five fruits truly culture has co-apted the chat box into a ernment can reduce spending to promote or heaven forbid, look at us. If you aren’t alive. To make the peach more passionate, girlfriend market, where female avatars can growth, then in times of economic bust, the a loser, texting is also a really cool thing, they also add exactly 3.4 sex toys. Then it’s independently sell themselves men in a “GF surplus money saved can be spent in order because you can do it at the back of your dispensed into cartons to be shipped glob- market.” This market has simultaneously min- to stimulate a stagnant economy. Also, none classes even when your teacher tells you not ally, giving life everywhere it goes. imized in-game loneliness and maximized of these things would even exist had if not to, because you’re cool and you don’t give Five Alive gives you more than your daily the income of female avatars, eliminating for the Keynesian style economic policies of a shit what a middle aged woman thinks of fruit intake, it gives you the passion you the Runescape loot gap. Real life has a lot to the 1940s. So read a fucking book you dumb you. need to continue living your five lives. learn from this little game that could. shit. Print media is dying www.dominos.ca If you’re reading this: Hey :) å´∂∂©¨ ¨22,000

Tim Riggins Email Distraction from Handsome Sack please Phone Facebook what’s that I have two of them mortality Volunteer Never heard of them Guba is actually a wild bear, eats five fans

Junkyard Jim can deceive you,” the policeman, who said. “I can no longer look at life in such woman [email protected] elected to withhold his real name, said. a pluralistic way.” “It was like how people in Paddington Lefty is currently scheduling an Alber- Fans were consumed with rage on Friday Bear just accepted the situation. (The U ta school tour where he plans to talk to when five of them were literally eaten by of A, Athletics and EPS) feel collectively kids about overcoming adversity. Guba the mascot, who was found to be naïve.” U of A Athletics, who released a state- an actual bear. Euthanasia was the only realistic ment soon after the incident, claimed The loss of lives overshadowed the Cal- course of action to take, EPS Cop said. they were “shocked” when they heard of gary Dinos’ crushing 18-2 victory over Relocating Guba to Elk Island National the five deaths. They were also surprised the Golden Bears in Canada West hockey Park would have required even more they didn’t notice Guba was a bear during action last weekend. Though the game goddamn paperwork. his hiring interview in August. It was “a loss was tragic, the deaths of five student Brandon Lefty, who was once right- little strange” how Guba mainly grunted spectators was even more so, said Bears handed, has now been forced to become to communicate, but in hindsight it “all head coach Dutch Richard. left-handed for upcoming exams and makes sense now.” The tragedy was set off in the third likely the rest of his life. The Students’ Union has responded period of the game when U of A student “I am in pain,” he said. “Please leave by putting together a Mascot Checking Brandon Lefty offered a piece of beef me alone.” committee, which will ensure the jerky to Guba as a bribe to “get him to Lefty is still eating himself up over his humanity of all future mascots. go and bother someone else.” The scene foolish decision to go to a varsity game. Applicants can keep watch for the quickly got out of hand when Guba Feeding a bear was also a bad idea, he opening on Jobking.com. dropped to all fours and ate the beef jerky noted. Lefty is thankful he managed to As for actual sports, the Dinos de- and Lefty’s hand. Chaos quickly ensued get out alive and acknowledges that bear voured the Golden Bears by scoring four as fans tried to evacuate the bleachers. feeding is not a good idea unless you goals in the first period, making a Bears Lefty escaped, but his hand and five oth- know for sure it is a mascot and not a comeback all but impossible. The bright ers were consumed by the bear before he bear. This experience has been a lesson side was that Guba’s gluttonous rampage was subdued and euthanized by the EPS. in safety and identity, he said. made it impossible for the Dinos to cel- A pre-euthanasia interrogation re- “I used to think hands are important. ebrate their victory in good conscience, vealed Guba was a grizzly bear and not a Now all I can think is, ‘Hand is Richard said. human furry as previously believed. important.’ My whole life has changed “We may not destroy on the court but “It’s crazy how a little hat and shirt thanks to one foolish decision,” Lefty we sure destroy in the stands.”

guba was an actual bear, who knew? Clare Drake hasn’t seen a death toll this high since the second world war. totally a real photo ATHLETE OF THE WEEK Q: How long have you been going to Tim’s? to give if the guy behind you is too close. A: Since high school I guess. My parents Also knowing what angle to avert your didn’t let me drink coffee in junior high. eyes at when the person in front of you Q: What changes have you seen coming looks behind to check how long the line is. into the university? A lot of the game is avoiding awkwardness A: The biggest change is the line. I thought through proper reactions and timing. the drive-thru in Lloydminster were bad, Q: Thoughts on Starbucks? but the longest I ever had to wait was 35 A: Pass. minutes. I’ve been standing here for 35 Q: What is the biggest thing Tim’s has minutes and I’ve probably got 20 more to taught you? go. A: Quick math. So, for example, if I have Q: What do you typically order? $5.50, I can buy four coffees, or two cof- A: Apple fritter and 2 coffees or a chilli. fees and one fritter, or a chilli combo. I used Tim Horton’s Guy Q: What’s your biggest challenge as a line- to use my phone calculator for that but now Arts II waiter? it’s just second nature. Hometown: Lloydminister A: Probably understanding all of the social Q: How does Tim’s make you feel? Team: Goes to the gym twice a week conventions that you need to adjust to in A: I don’t know, it makes me feel ok guess. the moment. Like, how close to stand to the I have a lot of things to do, so it’s nice when person in front of you. What body language I can get through the line quickly. jamiee soaprok PHYSICAL ACTIVITY 2006 is finally over I miss Atta the web net September, 11th, 2001 Nutball: from humble beginnings to dizzying heights

Grosh Jescher Due to racial segregation, Pungyo nutball historian couldn’t become an actual player and instead began his career in the A spectre is haunting the University nutball leagues as a towel boy, and of Alberta. The spectre of nutball. earned respect with years of hard, This 100-year-old sporting game is dedicated work in various minor certainly gaining a resurgence of positions, including nutball pol- popularity. isher and nutball paraphenilia deal- Nutball originated during a sim- er. Pungyo eventually became the ple game of keep-it-up, in which a coach of the minor league Moose group of people gathered in a room Jaw Moose Jaws, until finally be- and attempt to keep a ball made of coming the firtst minority manager cork up in the air and from touch- in the nutball major leagues for the ing the ground. Experieneced Hamilton/Thunder Bay Aquamen. keep-it-up player Pinko Martinez The Aquamen’s dominance in the changed everything. Martinez was interwar years earned Pungyo the a relatively minor keep-it-up player dedication of having the National whose last professional outing was Nutball League trophy named af- with the Tijuana Intercity Volleyball ter him. Of course, racism per- Squad. Rather than propelling the sisted in nutball’s formative years, ball in a vertical motion, threw the so Pungyo’s name wasn’t actually ball horizontally at another player, used for the trophy: thus the trophy Hamburger “Taco” Brown. The ball became known as the Richard W. collided with Brown’s genitalia, and Richard Trophy. Martinez cried, in a fit of rapture, The story of Pungyo is one of “NUTBALL!” Merriment ensued, the most inspirational stories of and a great tradition of yelling ran- breaking the colour barrier in sports dom words and phrases whilst keep- during years of overt racism, and ing the ball up in the air was born. arguably even more inspirational More terms and more rules than Jackie Robinson given the emerged, and soon enough, the rag- Aquamen’s dominance. tag group of burnouts created their Other sports became popular dur- own game. Among the aforemen- ing the 20th century and nutball tioned players, nutball’s originators faded into considerable obscurity. included “Large” Johnathan Zipzip- However, just like it originated, ski, a former prison guard with a se- nutball was revived. After reading vere vodka addiction; Flapjack Har- the sport of kings Nutball is sweeping the nation! Sign up while you can! photo lady about the game in an old version rison, an experienced chef who is of the Getaway, a group of Gateway said to have cooked rabbit stew for player in history, who instead of at- suck out the eyeballs of opposing but all evidence is circumstantial. editors gathered in a room and, as Tecumseh; Spice Loaf Testaverte, tempting to keep the ball in the air players when they were in vulner- Of course, one can’t discuss luck would have it, picked up the a barber, and Kelly “Eyeball” Gum, or even launching the ball at oppos- able positions. Some nutball histo- the history of nutball without great game of nutball as if it had perhaps the most violent nutball ing players’ testicles, would instead rians say that Gum was a cannibal, mentioning Zao Pungyo. never disappeared.

photobooth Moments from my friendship with Griffin Reinhart Good Friend You’d have to be some sort of mous Boy’s Nights Ins began, which that’s not what it was about. It was standing by griffin no matter what compulsive liar to do something could fill the top five by themselves. about spending a summer, jam- like that. But I don’t need to defend But instead, I figured I’d just share ming out with your best friend in I remember when Griffin Rein- myself. This list should be enough some of my favorite moments from his parent’s garage. hart was drafted. While I celebrated to show you that while his on-ice these legendary hang outs. Yes we’d later fight to overturn a close friend’s achievement, skep- tape isn’t full of highlights, our Our impromptu water fight that the decision in court. But a judge tics furrowed their brows and tried friendship is. ruined the carpeting at his parents decided to uphold the decision, to take away from our moment. 5. The Time He Introduced place, as well as several electrical claiming that what we were doing “But Steven,” they whined, “I’ve Me to My Girlfriend: A picture’s outlets. The time we Catfished his not only lowered the standard for known you for 20 years and this truly worth a thousand words! And Dad, and got him to give us his so- all art, but that it would set society is the first time you’ve EVER men- while Samantha lives out of prov- cial security and credit card num- back at least twenty years if it were tioned knowing Griffin Reinhart.” ince now, the burning intensity bers. And who can forget the nu- to be released. Let’s just be honest, jealousy is captured in this candid photo only merous nights we just relaxed and 4. The Time We Tried on Silly an ugly emotion. But I have noth- shines brighter despite that. And to watched reruns of Friends. Argu- Hats: Need I say more?! ing to gain from lying about this. think, it all started because of my ing – as most fans of the show do – 5. The Time I Crashed His Why would I photoshop some of good friend Griff. which one was compulsive enough Parents’ Boat: On the surface the most treasured moments of my 2. Griff & Dreezy’s World Fa- to be considered the Monica of our this doesn’t sound all that fun. In life? And explain to me why I would mous Boy’s Nights In: I remember group. reality, it highlights the strength tell people I’m going to his cabin when Griff gave me the nickname 3. The Time Our Beatles of a good friendship. Sure, Griff over the weekend, only to check Dreezy. Initially I was bashful, half- Parody Band Got a Cease and could have brought up the $20,000 myself into a motel outside of town heartedly dismissing the kind ges- Desist Letter from the Estate of in damages I caused. Or focused to avoid running into anyone. And ture. I remember telling him, “Oh John Lennon: on the growing oil fire that was why would I invite everyone I know I’m not cool enough for a name like Although we were never able to consuming the lake. Or even over for Griff’s Surprise Birthday that”. Well how does Griff respond? release our parody mixtape, I’ll pointed out that a sizable handful Party if I didn’t know him? Do you I kid you not, he pulls a custom never forget the time we spent to- of his guests were mysteriously really think that – after realizing letterman jacket with DREEZY writ- gether making it. Sure I’ll occasion- missing. But he chose not to. And how short-sighted that idea was ten across the back in cursive and ally think of all the money we could as he wrapped me up in a big warm – I’d fake a phone call from Griff said, “I couldn’t get it printed on a have made off hits like, I Want To towel, he told me “Motorboats are saying that he had been in a motor- jacket if it wasn’t true.” Hold Your Dick, Imagine (You Were pretty cool. But a friend-SHIP, now cycle accident? To me that’s when our World Fa- Gay) and A Hard Dick’s Night. But that’s unsinkable baby” I wish I was at BP’s www.spacejam.com Driving a car NHL Hitz 2003 420 U of A introduces backwards cross-country running Idgaf I am Sack make other schools stand up and sport man message me on xbox live take notice.” The U of A athletics department The University of Alberta is hoping could not be reached for comment, to start a trend with their newest but Robson assured me that his varsity sport: backwards cross- dialogue with the athletics depart- country running. ment has been very positive. The sport, which has yet to catch “They loved my idea, and it’s on at the CIS or Canada West level, about damn time that somebody is the brainchild of Richard Robson, realized how brilliant it was. Now I a former marketing student at the can really move forward.” he said. U of A. Cross-country running was Robson was also more than will- Robson’s favourite pastime, but he ing to differentiate backwards eventually wanted more out of it. cross-country from traditional “I said to myself, ‘how can I spice cross-country running. He said it things up?’ And eventually, I came requires a different physical skill- up with the idea of running back- set altogether. wards on all my normal running “This isn’t forward cross-country, routes,” he said. you’re not running forwards, you’re “It adds an extra layer of difficulty, running backwards. It’s completely because I can’t see in front of me, so different,” Robson said. I really have to feel the terrain.” “You can’t just convert any cross- Robson is currently trying to en- country runner to backwards cross- sure CIS and Canada West officially country, you’ve got to have a natu- recognize the sport, but so far, they ral talent for running backwards. I haven’t returned his phone calls. can only teach so much.” “It’s frustrating when they ignore “I can run faster backwards than you. My sport is just as valid as any I can forwards. That’s just me, my of the other ones that they recog- body is made a certain way to allow nize. Better even,” Robson said. that to happen.” “Look at basketball, all you do is While a starting date for back- run around, and throw a ball into wards cross-country hasn’t been a hanging basket. What skill is formally announced yet, a call for involved in that?” athletes has already been issued, After he said this, Robson at- and Robson is confident that it will tempted to demonstrate the skill in- be answered. volved in backwards cross-country start running backwards today! Here’s a sport that won’t make you look stupid. greekgender xtinawoman “My sport, this sport that I cre- by running around the room back- ated with my own two feet, I see wards. He made it 10 feet before anything about real pain. What’s Promotion of the sport has taken everyone you ever loved is going to the greatness in it, and other peo- tripping over a chair and hitting his the worst that can happen to them? up much of Robson’s time since its leave you. My wife left, my kids left, ple will too, even if it takes some head on the floor. They skin a knee?” inception. He quit his job as a con- my dog left. But my dream never time.” He explained afterwards that this “You never know when you’re go- sultant at a marketing firm in order left, and my dream is backwards “I’ll show all of them. I’ll be pay- proved his point. ing to fall over in backwards cross- to make the dream of backwards cross-country,” Robson said. ing my child support with the giant “All these sissies playing country. That’s real pain. The pain cross-country a reality. “The U of A picking up my sport cheques that I’ll be getting from the basketball or soccer don’t know of not knowing.” “The fact of the matter is, is a huge step, and hopefully it’ll CIS.” Keyboard Bears make eSports cool Sleeping is a sport ok?!

Jam Spork of dollars,” but cultural integration ey coming out in the game’s next Our Favourite Cripple each participant, prop open their how do you pronounce your last name and validation of videogames are update at the end of December. where are my crutches, seriously? sleeping eye and closely examine what matter most. Those things That’s part of the fun of the game, the Rapid Eye Movement, looking The Golden Bears eSports team is can only by recognized by the Dewey said. The definition of a sport, by Wiki- for dexterity, agility and power. currently in its rookie year, but this institution if it builds something “WoW is dynamic, you always pedia, is all forms of physical activ- Does your eyes roll fast in your weekend’s performance has shown expensive, he said. have to be making little adjust- ity or games which, through causal sockets? Are you a better dreamer some key development in the WoW For now, the Bears train in Cam- ments,” he said. “Trust me, it’s just or organized participation, aim to than your peers? Come and check players. The 4-on-4 arena team con- eron main floor. Complaints from as legit as other sports.” use, maintain or improve physical us out. Are you confident in your sists of two warriors, a rogue and a IT staff and students wanting the The keyboard Bears finished their ability and skills while providing sleeping performance? This team priest. Though the team build may computers for academic purposes Fall semester in eighth place over- entertainment to participants and is for you. sound “old school” to veteran eS- limit the team’s ability to focus on all. The second semester will have a in some cases, spectators. ports fans, the Bears assure they’re their arena matchups. With this larger focus on League of Legends, Sleeping is a sport. It really is! exactly where they need to be, Head weekend’s semi-final placement, which the Bears are eager to tackle. While most sports utilize the body “I used to be a real Coach Bay Rayson said. that setup doesn’t seem to be so Overall, the community has more and exert it, sleep exerts the mind, slob, I played soccer and “Our outdated play style really bad. The team is now anticipating time invested in the game compared in its most primal, neurotic, in- throws off our opponents some- the Western Canada WoW tourna- to WoW. Improving on the Fall se- tensive form. Stop discriminating football twice a week.” times,” Rayson said. ment in February. There’s plenty of mester’s ranking would show the U against the mind—if chess is a snak richardson Going to the semi-finals itself is a time to train over the holidays, cap- of A that this team can contribute to sport I know that sleep is a sport. sleeping is a sport okay!?!??! miracle for the Bears. Even training tain Mountain Dewey said. campus spirit, Dewey said. Why? Let me tell you. is difficult, unlike for those at UBC “I think we need to focus on tim- The team calls this semester When you fall asleep, your body Sleeping is the purest form of and bigwig Ontario schools. There ing our cooldowns, which is a little a success just because they now slips into a framework called REM physical expression, more so than is no computer space specifically for tricky when you run two warriors exist, when “10 years ago this — which is rapid eye movement dance, more so than figure skat- eSports at the U of A — though there at once,” he said. “We’re thinking wouldn’t have been possible.” The — there are four stages of REM ing. It’s the only sport where you are talks of turning HUB lounge into of changing one out for a warlock eBears consider themselves a mi- sleep, each deeper the last, and can truly be at one with yourself a dedicated eSport training facility, so we can get more DOTs — that’s nority on campus, but only because on the fourth stage, your body ex- and the world. It provides the ul- Rayson said. damage over time.” of perceived attitudes towards their periences complete paralysis, but timate escape from the reality that “The U of A has a lot of buildings It might be unclear what all of game. This isn’t a team of nerds, is still working as hard as when it grounds normal sports. Want to for specific interest groups, so why this means, Dewey acknowledged. Dewey said. is awake. Lots goes on during the play football, except the ball is on not video games?” We agreed. “We’re just a bunch of guys play- seemingly still time. fire, and you’re a musclebound Rayson notes that upgrading The Bears and Dewey will have to ing games,” he said. “That’s the Don’t just take my word for it hulk with rocket legs? With sleep- HUB Lounge could cost “thousands adjust for the new armour and Dew- definition of any team athlete” though, listen to the account of our ing you can do just that without team’s most experienced sleeper: even leaving your bed. Snak Richardson. Are you tired of sports like hockey “I used to be a real slob, I played and soccer that require you to stay soccer and football twice a week.” awake? Try sleeping, the sport that “Now, ever since I started sleep- requires peak mental and physi- ing competitvely, I find that my cal preparedness. But it’s not just body isn’t sore, and that I’ve gained about the sleeping, it’s also about a comfortable 15 pounds.” meeting some great people. You’ll As the president of the sleeping meet lifelong friends while nap- team at the University of Alberta, ping. What’s to lose? Normal sports I am cordially inviting you to an are only designed to take: they take hour of intense repetitions of REM. your health, your youth, and they Practices are Tuesdays and scrim- take your sense of wellbeing. Sleep mages are on Wednesdays in the is designed to give, it’s a sport that couch room of the Gateway office. only makes you healthier, and it’s They include tactile and intensive the only sport that makes you feel mind cardio and strength training: more refreshed after playing it. In how fast can you fall asleep? For short, try sleeping, the one sport computers These guys are cool. supplied — esport lobbyist group how long? Trainers go around to that you wouldn’t kick out of bed. diversions 18 thegateway www.gtwy.ca December 9, 2015

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