February 2, 2003 The Antarctic Sun • 13 THE MIDNIGHT SUMMER JOURNA L OF A SOUTH POLE W INTER

Wri t ing by Judi th Spanberger Photos by Jonathan Berry

March 10, 2002 baby bee stings. I frostnipped my tongue (no joke). Everything fogs up at those We are three and a half weeks into the temps and I find it easiest to get around winter and the sun is low in the sky. He without eyewear. I pull my hat low and my moves along a track mere fingers above the neck gaiter up to my eyes, leaving a slit to horizon and parallel to the Earth, like a hair- look through, then put one foot in front of line on a monk’s head. Like 9 p.m. on a the other and hope for the best. I fall once summer’s day. The shadows are amazingly in a while but with 50 pounds of clothing long and feel foreboding, sending word of on I barely feel it. Getting back up is the the coming dark and cold. Soon the sun will hard part. die, and then the real winter will begin. to continue work on the new elevated sta- Sometimes as I walk out to get materi- Ending the summer was unexpectedly tion and fulfill my duties as the construc- als I wonder at how lucky I am to be here, emotional. Each day of that last week a tion materials person. She’s a beast whose despite the hardship of moving around plane took more of our comrades. We tracks clack and bang their way across the outdoors. Other times it seems so incredi- would all gather on the flight deck to hug polar plateau, but I love her. There’s a bly difficult, this life, and I want to shake and say goodbye. We’d eaten together, par- peace in trundling across “the long, flat my fist at the gods for this place. So I do. tied together, worked and functioned in the white” alone with my thoughts and the And it all snowballs into bigger questions same small spaces for four months. Once nighttime sky. of life and pain and hunger in the world, you’ve lived so closely to someone they are The atmosphere is more relaxed now. and children born into unloving situations part of your world, and now they were The community is jelling and we often and mean people and, and, and… going away, leaving little holes in your laugh together when we gather for meals And what could I possibly do about it heart. or parties. A settling-in is taking place. As all from here? Those were the times I sat The day the station began its winter one of my fellow winterers said, “The on my knees and wept, frustrated I could- isolation the last flight of the season cir- winter is the reward for living through the n’t overcome this place. Broken-hearted at cled overhead, bidding us farewell. That summer.” Amen. not just the pain of the world, but the pain night we gathered in the big heavy- in my own heart. Will I ever find my machinery garage and watched both ver- May 14, 2002 answers? Is the healing in learning not to sions of “The Thing” projected onto sev- want them anymore? eral large sheets sewn together and hung The sun set March 20. We had our sun- We see auroras now almost daily - from the ceiling. The first version takes down party in the new elevated station so sometimes they are painted across the sky place in the Arctic and is extremely silly. we could look out the windows as the as if with a broad sweep of God’s paint- The second version takes place in evening went on and see the giant yolk, brush. Sometimes they are the smoke curl- Antarctica and is even more ridiculous. sitting on its vast white, sinking lower and ing off a giant cigar and they shimmer We were wondering who the consultant lower. It looked like a radioactive egg high up in the heavens. Other times they was for that movie, or if John Carpenter glowing sunny-side up. The clouds were drip down on us like animated chandelier even thought he needed one... I mean, who pink around the edges as they nestled in crystals, dipping so low I feel I could would know whether his facts were cor- the darkening blue, much like a Georgia reach up and grab one. And if I could grab rect or not? Who actually goes to O’Keefe painting. A month later, it’s as one would I touch the face of this southern Antarctica? We got a pretty good laugh though we’ve never seen the sun at all. I God who challenges me so? out of it. It was a great way to start a win- feel I’ve lived half my life here already The moon rose this month and came up ter. Now we’re ready for anything...We and I still have six months to go. full. I wasn’t expecting it, but coming out just need to find the flame-throwers. The temps have been minus 80 or cold- of the dome that day there she was. Full, The temps are around minus 50, and I er. Unreal. Breathing is like sucking in big and low on the horizon with her light can stay outside for two hours before I spreading out from her like the dress of a have to come in and thaw. It amazes me princess in the depth of a curtsy. A mov- that I can survive this. I eat everything that ing sight. isn’t nailed down and I’m sure that helps. Our community continues to grow and Some of the adjustment to the cold has develop, and I’m finding I take a deep come from experience. I made the mistake pleasure in this. We had a wonderful time once... OK, twice, of putting my pencil in at the Cinco de Mayo party. We had home- my mouth while I readjusted my clip- made piñatas, margaritas in the juice board. It’s surprising to have a pencil machine, and great food. We decorated the freeze to your tongue by the lead. galley, the band played and we sang, When I’m not on foot I drive an ancient danced, laughed and grew easier with each Caterpillar track forklift named Felicia. other. By the end of the evening the place She helps me deliver the materials needed See Winter on page 14 14 • The Antarctic Sun February 2, 2003

Winter From page 13 was a mess and everyone was happily come and go that nothing would be a sur- everywhere... people forgetting the names chatting or dancing in it. prise, it all simply was. Sometimes I feel of their family members, why they walked like the gods are walking beside me. This into a room, etc. And what was so impor- June 27, 2002 beautiful and isolated place is showing me tant that it couldn’t be left till tomorrow? how to crawl around inside my own head Nothing. Life boiled down to a very sim- We’re still here. It’s still dark. and find comfort there. ple existence for me: put one foot in front We just passed the solstice, our half- The low temps are cooling off the polar of the other. Now do it again. Scientists way mark. Four months down, four more plateau to the point that we’re getting little call it T-3 syndrome and it has to do with to go. It’s tempting to start counting days. “ice quakes.” The ice contracts due to the the lack of a hormone that is produced Must resist. colder temps and makes noises like rail with the help of sunlight. Or something Mid-winter is a time of reflection and cars slamming into each other. Usually it like that. It was explained to me at one celebration. We’ve received mid-winter sounds like the rail yard is about a mile point, but of course I promptly forgot it. greeting cards via e-mail from probably away, but sometimes it can shake a build- What was interesting is the lack of moti- every station in Antarctica with a picture ing. vation and focus didn’t really bother any- of their winter crew and good wishes for The frost-cicles that fascinated me in one. It was as though we were all drugged safe travels home. We took our mid-winter October are once again hanging off the and that was fine with us. Nothing was picture just outside the dome entrance. It dome. The ceiling is full of fuzzy stalac- worth getting worked up over. It was all was minus 84. When it was time for the tites. They don’t have a strong hold and as getting very dreamy. flash to go off we all held our breath so they fall from 50 feet up they break up. We had a July 4 BBQ that felt weird in faces wouldn’t be obscured by the fog What falls on your head is akin to snow- the cold and dark. What made more sense from breathing. fall. South Pole: the only place where it was the “Christmas in July” party. We dec- Our mid-winter dinner was an elegant snows inside, but not out. orated the galley and bar and had a nice affair. We brought out the linen, china and The barometric pressure altitude jumps sit-down dinner. We made a snowman around quite a bit and last week it leapt to I have this place in my heart, a sof t area very close t o me, t ha t ho lds a deep fondness for the dark and al l I gai ned from i t. How i t brought my world right up to the t ip of my nose... that’s six feet tall. The snow here is so wine glasses. We dined on Beef 11,400 feet (physically we’re at 9,600). incredibly dry that it took six hours of Wellington, chicken Florentine, home- Breathing was difficult, and everyone was heating and wetting the snow and then made rolls and a real salad, thanks to the moving slow. This place continues to chal- packing it onto our snowman. But he’s greenhouse staff. It was an evening of lenge and amaze me. I wonder if life gorgeous and now sits under the dome memories and plenty of warm and sincere won’t be boringly easy when I leave here. next to one of the housing buildings. That toasts. A reminder that we are in this What will I do when simply getting was July for the most part, or what I together and we’re doing fine. What a around won’t feel like I’m trying to func- remember of it. wonderful group of people I am here with. tion under water? Earlier in August we hit minus 100. After dinner many of us sprawled out in Time for the 300 Club induction ceremo- the library like a happy litter of puppies to A ugus t 20, 2002 ny. First heat sauna to 200 degrees. Sit in watch The Shining. There were plenty of said sauna until eyeballs are just about to jokes about Jack Nicholson losing it due We have light on the horizon and it’s boil. Drop towel and walk naked (running to a little cold and isolation. Weenie. not aliens. It’s the sun coming back for us! not recommended) to geological pole Temps are in the minus 90s and, despite It was beginning to feel that nothing would marker, whoop and holler. Hobble back the cold, yesterday I went for a long walk. ever change here, one dark day after anoth- indoors and back into sauna. You betcha I The two circles of frostbite that sit under er until it seemed the world had never been did it, and I must admit being a member of my eyes, and have for the last few months, any other way. But there is a beacon now, the 300 Club is a proud distinction for me. are an accepted hazard of being here. The although faint, that change is on its way. Even with the sun coming back, my life moon was full and the winds were low. I Time to wipe the hibernation from our has its routines. Band practice, knitting, went towards what used to be the skiway. eyes. It’s hard not to begin packing my movie night and working out. It keeps me It’s been reclaimed for the polar plateau bags, even though we still have two busy and happy, but there are times I will by the winds. The berms and buildings months to go before the first flight arrives. blow it all off to shower and crawl in bed were well behind me and before me was a During the dark time I was feeling the early with a book or my knitting. It’s so moonscape, created by the lighting of the effects of living in total darkness for four safe and predictable here. What will it be moon herself. I felt I was in another place months. I lacked motivation and was bare- like to leave here? I try to remember the and reality. A very peaceful, deeply cer- ly able to compose a complex thought, smell of the woods after a rain. tain place. A place that had seen so much much less keep it in my head. It was See Winter on page 15 February 2, 2003 The Antarctic Sun • 15 Winter From page 14 September 27, 2002 several months ago.) There were also home- made chocolate-almond biscotti and treats Sunglasses. people donated from their private stashes. Today I needed sunglasses for the first We enjoyed music, poetry and one-act time in six months. The sun has been up for plays. The talent in this small community of a few days, but under clouds most of the 51 is impressive. I found myself appreciat- time. Today the clouds cleared and there he ing people so much more once I’d seen their was in all his glory several fingers above the creative side. horizon. Not a meek orange ball just barely We had a sunrise party in the new station waking up, still groggy and blinking from building. It marked something for us to his long sleep, but a wide-awake bright yel- view the return of the sun through the same low, powerful and glowing force that filled windows we’d watched him go down six up more of the sky than I can remember a months ago. The band played and we were sun ever doing. Was it always this amazing- on track and tight on every song except ly captivating and beautiful? Has it really one.....When the drummer’s girlfriend came been so long for me that I again can be com- out onto the dance floor in a sexy red dress pletely enchanted with the sun? Wow. I he completely forgot what he was doing and stared at it for far too long, but seeing spots started playing the drum part to a different for the next hour was worth the price. song. I will miss playing music with these Warmth and light and shadows and yellow people. Rehearsals were usually a time of on the snow and... “we’re outta the woods, creativity and silliness and drinking a mix- we’re outta the dark, we’re outta the ture of Crown Royal and brown sugar we night...” It feels like heaven on my face. I dubbed “the elixir of life” (good for the tilt my head toward the glow and drink it in. throat). What a great balance to the chores many more new faces pouring off the plane, Although, funny thing... I’m loving the of everyday life. and it struck me - the cocoon had been split sunlight and the fact that my winter is I helped launch weather balloons this wide open. The dark and familiar nest of almost over, but I have this place in my month. We would float the filled balloon our winter was gone. heart, a soft area very close to me, that holds outside carefully so as not to puncture it, It’s been a busy week since the station a deep fondness for the dark and all I gained attach the sonde (the data collection device) population grew from 51 to 138 in one day. from it. How it brought my world right up and gently let it slip towards the heavens. The methodical routines have been replaced to the tip of my nose... there was nothing to It’s really cool to hold onto a giant balloon by projects and busier schedules. It’s also see beyond it. I struggled with all that came and then release it to it’s own destiny. The been an adjustment having so many people into focus as I wandered around in the dark first time I launched one I couldn’t stop in our spaces. The galley is usually full and and found the darkness a soft place to land. holding on. I was attached to that big white there is more often a wait for the bathroom. Sometimes literally as I sat on my knees and gentle floaty orb. Let it go? I’d watched it I miss our old routines and the pleasure of wept out that which needed to go. I’m find- grow up! But then I did and whoooosh, up seeing only familiar friends in their usual ing it harder in some ways to get around she went bee-lining for the heavens, never places. But it’s hard to feel the loss too outside now that I can see. The light is flat, once looking back. deeply when I know in a few days I’ll be goggles fog and it’s distracting. In the dark gone and what I’ll take with me is what I went by feel. I think I understand blind- November 2, 2002 matters the most. ness a little more. This morning was the last time I will I leave behind many of the old griefs, We had our second coffee house and it have to put on my South Pole work clothes: sadnesses and disappointments, along with was as much fun as the first. We had cap- heavy duty long underwear, giant gray the deep gratitude that this wonderful place puccino drinks and Bailey’s made from socks, two poly-pro shirts, turtleneck, was willing to take it from me and dispose scratch (we ran out of the bottled version sweater, insulated Carhartt bibs, bunny of it. I leave behind my love for this experi- boots, coat, hat, neck gaitor, goggles, hand ence. I take with me the strength from this liners, mittens. Whew. I’m due to fly out of year, the confidence and pride in myself, the here on Nov. 4. A day after that I will wake joys of comfortable friendships and won- up and put on this: tank top, shorts, sandals. derful memories. I leave here happier and The first plane arrived Oct. 26. We were less judgmental, more grateful and calmer. all at the flight line fuel pits waiting and It struck me most one night in the galley watching, taking pictures, smiling, being about two weeks before the first plane was nervous and anxious. I felt out of my body due. I went in for a snack around 9:30pm when I saw that first plane fly overhead, and found no one there, which wasn’t making their approach. As it taxied to the unusual, but this time the silence stopped fuel pits we couldn’t see it for all the fog the me. I was aware that the energy and love of engines created. Then the plane emerged all those before me was in the walls. I felt out of the fog like a dream and we erupted their presence and fondness for this place, in cheering and spontaneous hugging and their awakenings and appreciations, just lots of comments like “We did it! We really like my own. I felt their joy and reluctance did it!” “Can you believe it’s over?” Then at having to leave. I felt the parts of them- the plane stopped and we stood still and selves that they had left behind. And I watched. Soon a face appeared around the became one of them. No longer was I a nose of the plane, the first new face we’d mere visitor to this place. I too had put seen in 8-1/2 months. And then there were myself into it, just as all those before me.