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The Macalester Hegemonocle Volume 6, Issue 2 Spring 2012 Jonathan Gershberg Alex Juffer Peanut Butter Jelly Justine Decker Party Roof Arsonist Ryan Kerwin Racist Michelle Einstien #4%*(%&?! Sarah Haight Demolitions Expert Joey Frankl Friends Cast Member Mackey Borg An Upright Citizenface Jake Waxman Oopsy Bear Patrick Leppink-Shands Wack-Tose Intolerant Jeff Garcia Mind of Garcia Vanessa Barrera Custom-Made Beretta Sarah Knispel Mission Knispossible Andrew Shirley Shirley he must.....not be joking Henry Fremont Hide Yo Kids, Hide Yo Wife Phineas Rueckert He’s the One with the Ruckus Tyler Krentz The Big Derp Heather Renetzky Pleather Libie Motchan The Funny One Joe Evers One Man Twerk Team Sophie Nikitas Mountain Dew Maiden Bo Brendel Shoeless Bo Jackson spring.2012 volume 6. issue 2. HEGE-MEMO #496 Hello asdadsasads and Birdman, We write to you in regards to our top-secret party plans for the upcoming weekend. We (Alex and Jon) were going to rent a petting zoo but when we got there Jon couldn’t stop petting the giraffe so we had to scrap that plan. Then, we thought about having Jamba Juice cater the party, but it turns out Jamba Juice uses asfasdf as their secret ingredient (but I already had a feeling they mixed their asdasd and asdasda in their Banana Berry). We then wanted to rent a bouncy castle but the owners of it said we could not bring our jasasd- mop into the bouncy castle, because they could poke a(n) eyxcmxce out. Of course, the logical decision at this point would be to pop these motherfuckers in the mouth and then use our eco-friendly Segways to get away. But, cooler heads prevailed and we made a pit stop at tacobell to get real freaky and sweaty and rub our nipples together. Then, as I am sure many of you have already heard, adkapkdap adopka adoak adjkaopkdka ajsdkoak adokak a das d adasasdasdadadsa daasdadadaesjfpo asjdfpoaskfpoakmp whippets dofmap- sofmasp paosmfpoam sd as masopfmaspo mf asd asmpfomasp asda dfasdga sdfasadfaafdsafa fad f asdfasdfdasfdasafsdadsfa a sdf as dfa afs fd adfasd da asdfas dfasdfadsfa dsafadsf a fada- faefd. Then I said to Al Sharpton, “That’s not an ostrich, thats my uncle!” And we laughed and laughed all the way to Dave & Busters. Well, as they French always say, asdgsdgfsadfasdfs asdfasdfasdfasdfasdf asdfasdfasdf! But who gives a shit about the French anyways? All you need to know is the party will be held at 215 as- fjkashf and that the only thing you need to bring is sajkdfha, besides your overalls, obviously. Your Fearless Leaders, Jon and Alex (and asdasda) spring.2012 volume6.issue2 Facebook Round-up - Frederick Douglass Facebook Status Deliberated Over For 40 Minutes, Taken Down After 7 Minutes of Not Getting Any “Likes.” After thinking of a Facebook status that was at the same time witty, subtle, subversive, and completely original to coincide with the premiere of the new Mad Men season for 40 minutes Sunday night, junior James Lasarius took the status down after seven minutes as it had received no likes. “I felt like I was going in blind,” James later said. “None of my friends watch Mad Men and all my Facebook friends who watch the show probably weren’t checking their Facebooks at that time.” James added that it was “embarrassing” and that he “prob- ably won’t throw up another status for quite some time” although a friend of James reported seeing a new status after the show along the lines of, “Thumbs up for the racial equality at the end of Mad Men #CivilRightsMovement!” The friend assumed that James was “trying to bring in a new demographic to like his status” but that it definitely wouldn’t work because, “black people don’t really watch Mad Men.” Spring Break Album Scrolled Through to Find One Picture of Hot Girl in a Bathing Suit Freshman Larry Grath, who spent his entire spring break in his dorm room watching all 5 seasons of “Psych” on Netflix, completed the impres- sive feat Sunday night of going through all 228 pictures on the album “SpRiNg BrEaK Biznitch!” The album, which was posted by this “total cutie” on his floor, had at least 13 shots of vodka bottles, 27 slanted pictures of the sky- line, 8 pictures of that adorable dog they ran into on the beach, and at least one picture of every meal she ingested while on spring break. “I wasn’t even planning on doing the whole marathon album,” Larry admits, “but once I got started I was like, ‘fuck it’, there has to be one picture in here of a nip slip.” Although Larry found no nip slips in the album, he was able to strike up a hallway conversation with the aforementioned cutie about the pros and cons of Miami v San Pedro v New Orleans v Puerto Rico v Doty 2. Anddddddddd quick hits: - What is soup and substance and who do I have to defriend to stop getting these invites? - Why is my mom liking the picture of me passed out on my bean bag chair? - How long does it take to accept a friend request dumb hot girl who I opened the door for at the LC? - What is Zombie Mansion Orgy Mafia Wars and who do I have to defriend to stop getting these invites? - Should I show the world how many Keystone lights I can crush or not? - How many photos do I have to like before I get ONE FUCKING COURTESY LIKE BACK IN RETURN? - I wish I was studying abroad every week so I could keep getting 67 likes on my status. - They’re friends now? They must have finger banged or something. - When will people stop changing their friend’s statuses to poop jokes? spring.2012 volume6.issue2 Blah People Direct Moderate Disapproval Towards Rick Santorum -Soledad O’Brien In January, Republican candidate Rick Santorum claimed that in an earlier speech, he had said that he did not want to make “blah” people’s lives better with welfare, rather than “black” people, which is what the rest of the country heard. Four months later, the Blah people are ready with a response. “Meh,” said John Doe, leader of the Blah Power Movement “Hey...that’s not real cool, man,” agreed a self-identified “blah” person, Sarah Smith. “I want Santorum to know that not all Blahs are lazy. I worked hard to buy my 2001 Toyota Camry!” Te Blah people released a statement yesterday saying that while they didn’t really think it was that big of a deal, they did think that Santorum “should maybe hate a little less, you know?” before turning back to to their TVs to watch Scrubs re-runs on Comedy Central. “Yeah, well, I probably won’t vote anyway,” admitted Jane Brown, Blah representative, “But if I did vote, it would totally be for that other guy. You know the one.” Bob John, member of the NAABP says that as a man who can please his wife “reasonably well some- times,” he deserves more respect from government officials. He also thinks that he deserves government aid just as much as any corporation or big bank. “I’m just a regular Joe, you know, just a classic American. I wake up in the morning just like everybody else, and eat plain yogurt for breakfast. I put on my Old Navy crew-neck tee, get in my car, crank up the John Mayer and head to work...I’m not hoity-toity like these corporations filled with Whack People.” Some of the most irritated Blah people have formed a protest group called the Blah Tabby Cats. But they’ve yet to achieve much at their biweekly meetings at the DMV besides electing a leader who goes by “Just” Malcolm, and deciding they’d all go hit up a Plain White T’s concert next time they were in town. At this weeks meeting, “Just” Malcolm cracked open his PC, smiled at his soothing background - that one with the green hill - and opened the Blah Tabby Cats’ list of demands on Microsoft Office Word 2003. Te list included a couple day’s worth of hot pockets and a Kohl’s gift card. “We want the government to know that we work hard to make sure our kids can download their favorite songs on Rhapsody, like Blah Blah Blacksheep, and Ke$ha’s Blah Blah Blah,” “Just” Malcolm mentioned with a shrug of his shoulders. “Yeah! Our kids shouldn’t have to work as janitors instead of going to school,” John Doe agreed, “they should be able to graduate from high school so they can do what I do - work part time as the guy who licks stamps for stu- dents at Macalester College!” Cheese So Hard Motherfuckers Wanna Find Me spring.2012 Homework Helper volume6.issue2 Doctor Professor, PhD Greetings once again, my string beans of youthful vigor – it is I, the great and celebrated Doctor Professor! You must truly be getting under my skin to elicit such a display of familiarity from a scholar so dour and reserved as myself. Congratulations. There is no prize for you, however, beyond a feeling of legitimized self-worth. For those who may not know me, I have no such affection. But send me your questions, treat me with the respectful awe that I deserve and maybe some day you too can appear to me as more than just a passing dust mote in this feeting beam of light that is life. Doctor, I’m studying geography, but I just don’t know where I’m going with my life.

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