HONI SOIT Issue 18 aug 31st 2011 6.30pm Woohoo! VERGE FESTIVAL aka our favourite ever shipping- container-related festival kicks off today. 10 days of uni fun, shipping containers, music, comedy, shipping containers, cupcakes, shipping containers and much much much more. Get involved. 7 - 11pm Local poetry in Surry Hills, WED Check out my mad rhyming skillz, They’re pretty fierce, something to fear You’re looking at the new William Shakespeare ... sorry about that... CARAVAN SLAM, at TONE, 16 Wentworth 31st Avenue, Surry Hills. Freeeee! 8PM Opening tonight for STC, THE THREEPENNY OPERA is a gritty, dark, bawdy and delicious must-see. Brecht’s delightful look at the underworld, you’re going to hear Mack the Knife in all its edgy glory. From $40. 10-12pM Choreographer Ros Warby is hosting a DANCE MASTERCLASS today at the Opera House. Challenging dancers to forget what they think they know, it’ll be a totally free and un-prescribed look at the body and movement. For intermediate+ dancers. $40. 8PM Woo! Even more revues! Bringing up the rear are Commerce with the brilliantly titled ECONOMY OF ERRORS and the Queer Revue’s THE QUEEN. Seymour Centre, tix from $14.

• 7-12am Manning, that great hub of student life, that home away from our cockroach-infested student homes, is turning 11! To • celebrate, join us at MANNING’S 11th BIRTHDAY party and groove PICK OF to the tunes of The Holidays, Megastick Fanfare, Guineafowl and THE WEEK Fishing. $5/10 + bf.

6pm I LIKE BEING CONSCIOUS! A fact, and also the title of a really cool stand up show on as part of the Verge Festival! Written and performed by acclaimed USyd comic Cyrus Bezyan, the quirky show will examine consciouness, and if it’s all it’s cracked up to be. FRI $3 Access/$5 General. Cellar Theatre. Sweet! 11.30-3.30 Fascinating talks and events going on everywhere. Today at the Customs House Library catch UNWRAPPED SWEETS: TALES FROM THE SAT CITY, a look at ’s relationship with food over the years. Free knowledge!

7PM Yeah, no biggie, it’s just that John Cleese, Dylan Moran and Louis C.K. 3rd 04 are alll in Sydney as part of the Opera House’s JUST FOR LAUGHS festival. Whatever. 05 ALL DAY It’s father’s Day! (Thank us later, just hurry up with the breakfast in bed!) SUN today + 1 year One year til Father’s Day! Thank us later. 07

8Am Well, the SRC Election campaigns begin today. RUN AWAY FROM EASTERN AVENUE AS FAST AS YOU CAN! MON 08

6pm There is such a thing as KANYE: THE MUSICAL, and it’s on tonight at the Cellar Theatre. Written by Theatresports fave Phil Roser, the show will be absurd and awesome, in that order. The LA Times interviewed Phil, for goodness sake. This thing could be big! $3/6. Strap yourself in. TUE P.S. Ever wanted to be an executive for a society dedicated to all things 10 music related and inspired? Beat the System, one of the youngest and fastest growing societies on campus is holding their AGM on September 7 at 1pm in the Isabel Fidler room in Manning House. Hip hop to it for an opportunity to be involved! 6th THE LOVECHILD: DISCLAIMER RETRACTION Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, O Jack Nicholson “Three ways to kill a duck” was an 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s Queen Latifah operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of unfortunate editorial mishap. It’s gruesome Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of and graphic nouveau-gonzo writing style, this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and and accompanying lewd “fuck-a-grams” distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s Say “see were unfortunately placed and ill-timed. directors of student publications: Pat Massarani, Rhys Pogonoski, Deborah White, We meant to write at least four more ways Pierce Hartigan, Alistair Stephenson and Meghan Bacheldor. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC ya!” to to kill those fucking ducks. unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it a super endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. Honi Soit is printed by MPD. ADVERTISING: To advertise in Honi Soit, contact Tina Kao or Amanda LeMay world [email protected] www.src.usyd.edu.au power. THIS WEEK’S TEAM EDITOR BOSS LADY: Neada Bulseco

READITORS: Jacqueline Breen, James Colley, Bridie Connell, Shannon Connellan, Andy Fraser, 7 Julian Larnach, Michael Richardson, Laurence Rosier Staines, Tom Walker

DAD JOKE OF THE WEEK: REPORTERS: Michael Coutts, Brendan Day, Hannah Bob Bruce, Rebecca Saffir, James O’Doherty, Symonne Who invented textiles? Torpey, Pierce Hartigan, Jim Fishwick, Jon Jobaggy, Katter: Raihana Haidary Some clever so-and-so. mad CONTRIBUTORS: Nick Kraegen, Harriet Gordon Anderson, Tom Cashman, Shami Sivasubramania, hatter! Hugh Satterthwaite, Rafi Alam, CRUCIVERBALIST: Jim Fishwick COVER: Samantha Hawker HONEY SUAVE COMIC: Shannon Connellan I must be an assassin, because I wanna take you out! 8

Bet your HONI SOIT bottom dollar WEEK 6 ISSUE with these 31ST AUGUST 2011 Rugby CONTENTS World Cup tips. LETTERS THE PROFILE 04 From A to Y! Yes, all of the letters. 11 Aussie comic, Greg Fleet, succumbs to rampant fanboyism from TOM WALKER & CAMPUS JAMES COLLEY 10 05 PIERCE HARTIGAN on oh what a night! HUGH SATTERTHWAITE isn’t calling post- FEATURE grads monkeys. No, siree! Ten years on from the Tampa affair, MICHAEL KOZIOL re-examines an event that Verge is ANDY FRASER finally puts that ear horn 12 shook . to good use. here! TOM CLEMENT, JACK GOW, JIM FISHWICK, JULIAN LARNACH & TOM WALKER reviewed revues, the lot of them. VERGE FESTIVAL Verge is HARRIET GORDON-ANDERSON chats to Verge here! NEWS 14 Directors Tom and Harriet. BRIDIE CONNELL chews up the news and OLIVIA SATCHELL does theatre. She does 07 spits it out in little bite sized pieces, like a theatre good. VERGE IS mama bird. ARGHYA GUPTA on Kanye: The Musical. RAIHANA HAIDARY ain’t seeing star JAMES O’DOHERTY is ready to party! HERE! spangled on that banner anymore. NICK KRAEGEN has a chuckle with . JULIAN LARNACH matters, and so does Steve Jobs. THE ARTS BIT 14 SYMMONE TORPEY corresponds from FARRAGO 16 Paris, cock to the sky. TOM CASHMAN tweeted this article in. SHAAMBAVI SIVASUBRAMANIAN is a 08 JACQUELINE BREEN lets the Katter out of bloody mess. Oh, and she saw Titus. Coq au the bag. REBECCA SAFFIR puts the cheap in SAMANTHA HAWKER made a horcrux out chic. vin de of a selfie pic. MICHAEL RICHARDSON boogies to RAFI ALAM is knitting tiny booties. the beats of Bioshock. Paris! CLAIRE NASHAR got the gab going with David Brooks, writer and poet. SRC GRIBBLIES 17 Chinatown this Sunday for Yum Cha-d? SPORT BRENDAN DAY counts down the days to the Rugby World Cup. CRYPTONOMICON DOMINIC BOWES blasted sport with the ol’ 10 shrinking ray. 20 MICHAEL COUTTS & HANNAH BRUCE battle it out on the court - badass. 16 ?

If you have any thoughts or comments FROM THE VAULT on anything in this issue of Honi Soit, please 1984 SRC Election write to us at: THE EDITORIAL Picnic Society Candidates honi.soit@ src.usyd.edu.au

David Such, Engineering David Crowe, Econ/Law I letters Politics just POLICY STATEMENT POLICY STATEMENT ain’t what it used to be. Gone are the WE ALWAYS days of orators that You may be somewhat Student Parasites! The could mobilise a nation surprised to see the SRC is a bloodsucking THOUGHT IT WAS and debate that divided . Today, Australian Sydney University Picnic bacteria rotting away HERE WITHOUT YOU. politics is riddled with toe tapping, Society running for office. this university. Don’t be Dear Honi, question-dodging power mongers I know I was. That is, at fooled by those political who remain uninspiring figureheads of I write in reference to the a population left uninspired. The left has first. However, on careful tapeworms telling you article written about the been quietly toeing its way to the right, reconsideration it is the about their new improved highly distinguished and well as the least liberal policies of the right are considered nothing more than empty only real alternative So SRC that’s really going recognized (I would say) rock threats. Desperation has wrought this bridge let’s talk about alterntaives. to do things. The SRC band, Three doors down. In between the two, leaving little distinction. today is too malarial to do regards to the point that it was They both simply swing with the polls. It’s sad Striding purposefully, you the “tenth anniversary since and, frankly, boring. anything new except die. enter the polling booth, anyone had thought about the The only improvement band” was unjust and plain The same cannot be said for politics on campus. your Honi Soit election This microcosmic representation of the broader it can make is to cease to uneducated in regards the national political scope here at Sydney Uni is, issue clutched grimly band’s history. I am a regular for lack of a better word, overwhelming. Hacks, exist. as these politically well-versed kids are known, in your sweaty hands. listener of the radio (much of it are driven by political passion. Nothing else. Handing over your beloved That’s why the Sydney is mainstream I am ashamed to There are no cameras distributing the action student card, only to see University Picnic Society say), yet I frequently hear their from inside the Eastern Avenue seminar room most famous hit Kryptonite or as where SRC meetings are held, no potential to it ravaged and returned is here. We’re your the writer would say: “the one dine with the cream of the international crop. a bit lighter. You’re tablet to salvation and They labour for the rights of students, support about superman” being played the ambitions of the collectives on campus and given a scrap of paper to you’ll only have to take us on the highly boasted newest hit bring you this very paper, Honi, and most of indicate your individual once. Our one policy is the stations as nova or today fm. them do it for free. preference, there is nothing complete dissolution of the In respect to no one knowing It’s not all good and there’s absolutely no left but to inscribe your SRC. We’ll throw it away the band, it seems to be the glamour but the upcoming SRC election will bring you more than a swarm of brightly irredemiable choice. With and leave Daniel Luscombe writer who does not seem to coloured t-shirts lighting up the law lawns. not a little trepidation you to twiddle his thumbs. know any facts about the article they are “writing”. There is no Student politicians will pose the best and, unfold and uncrease your admittedly, the worst policies ever conceived. Support us on the opening information given about the Ticket names often ludicrous and may leave crinkled and sweat-stained band’s hometown or name of you a little concerned about the truth to their day of the election. Come beforementioned Honi Soit. lead singer, all which would have policy, but politics doesn’t have to be boring. It’s to our picnic in the main democracy at its finest because, in this election, A sea of mug shots swim been found out in a 0.11sec you are represented. These students are your lazily past your eyes. Notice quad at 1pm and then google search to discover but friends or classmates; they’re that guy that sold go and vote. Note our we wouldn’t want to deceive you that textbook or that girl that held the door that the candidates fall into the nonchalant tone of the too for you that one time. They face the same essay four main categories: priorities. Picnics are of deadlines and walk the same hallowed halls. course more important cool yet clearly misled writer. Simply put, the politicians running in the SRC On a venture out a couple of election relate to you and your needs, and will a) Right-Wingers than any SRC could ever weeks ago to a well known bar strive to ensure they are met. If you elect the be. in Newtown offering wonderful representative that best serves your desires, b) Left-Wingers karaoke on a Friday night, I that is. Dissolution is the simplest c) The people in the middle myself, selected another hit of After this election the results will be evident way to eradicate those theirs: Here without me. I knew at short range. It will affect the way you study (don’t ask me what there political ticks we all know the song well and thought a few and play at uni; and will affect you beyond the [sic] on about) and others in the bar may know the confines of campus, as these guys help fight and loath [sic]. They’re chorus. I was then blown away for your rights as a student in Australia. Thus, fanatics; just common lice more than ever, your vote matters. It may d)The Screwballs when nearly the entire bar (and be the same old refrain but, from student to in this university’s trendy yes the bar was full) was singing fellow student, your vote could come to define Interesting you think, haircut. both the chorus and the versus your very experience here at Sydney Uni. It they seem to be either at the top of their lungs. has significantly defined mine; the Honi Soit politically motivated or These parasites are editorial team is democratically elected in the I suggest when picking an SRC election each year. Whether you love, like doomed, destined for the whacko. However, who you artist to pay out for being or loathe – hopefully love! – the paper we have dustbin of history. “ “. Do produced for you, it was democracy that got us may have initially placed unrecognizable after many years, here. It’s our goddamn right, as representatives in category (d) are in all your duty and send them pick one that people actually of the students, to publish meaningless bullshit reality the people most there by voting Picnic dislike. In this case, no one really in The Garter and deliver the most illegal tips cares enough to be bothered to we can get our mitts on in ‘Anarchy!’ each suited to representing you! Society. Vote for us and refute. week. And no one can take that away from us, I am of course talking you will never have to vote well not until the next editorial team is voted in by you. about the Picnic Society. again. Emily So vote! Exercise your democratic rights! Yes, the Picnic Society - a Make the Quad into a rave space or ensure the bubblers do spout coke (finally!), or keep it just totally apolitical group, the Bachelor of as it is. Scribble in your preferences, scrunch group to support you! Science II that ballot paper into something somewhat spherical and slam dunk it into one of those cardboard boxes on the 20th, 21st or 22nd of this month. Do it because you hate a faction, need a change or love this uni. Whatever your cause, your vote – or lack thereof – will impact them all. 4 Neada Bulseco " BIG GAY MOOT. PIERCE HARTIGAN followed the rainbow. HoniLeaks ANDY FRASER found a message in a bottle, then he It’s 2015. At some point between 2011 now, the straight community have been and 2015, the institution of barriage marginalized”. They won. Amen. wrote a song and some news about it. was invented as a separate but equal Semester 2 campaign season is alternative to marriage for same-sex Moot attendees were initially greeted Thompson’s and Pogonoski’s recent couples. Barriage soon became popular, by a projection of (acting) Chief Justice almost upon us. That means that election to board, perhaps new blood with ceremony guests required to wear Waterstreet, smiling and sipping a gin and over the next few weeks, campus will be a healthy change for the USU. outrageous hats, compete in gladioli tonic between a stripper’s legs in one of is going to be overrun with posters, It is interesting to note that neither Kings Cross’s finest establishments, an bouquet tossing contests and eat pamphlets, and campaigners walking of the remaining second year board image apparently supplied by Waterstreet purple pavlova instead of wedding cake. slowly towards cameras that stay members(James Flynn & Vivien Australians began to regard marriage as a CJ himself to set the mood. Despite being just out of reach. This time around the least qualified member of the bench, Moxem-Hall) scored a position. campus second-rate institution, only fit for people it is the Student Representative Justice Ballard owned the evening. He the wrong side of 50 or ultra-conservative Council elections and you’ll be voting Christians. Hipsters won’t even do it recently barried partner (and Olympic The negotiations between the swimmer) Eamon Sullivan and felt quite on the position(s) of president, Union Board and the University ironically. Everyone wants to get barried, representatives and yours truly Honi but the text of the Barriage Act is close to the matters at hand. The bench have remained relatively stagnant. Soit. Make us proud. Don’t forget exceptionally clear: “Barriage means the delved into general discussion of the The Union recently submitted a union of two persons, being a man and virtues of Grindr (a smartphone app to pick up a copy of next weeks funding request to extend the SLA another man, or a woman and another allowing gay, bi and curious dudes to find election edition brief on the all of (services level agreement), 3.4million woman, to the exclusion of all others, similar dudes nearby who are good to the candidates. We should also take dollars for repair and maintenance, go). Discussion found its way to a glimpse voluntarily entered into for life”. this opportunity to flag that Honi and also the agreement over the into SULS president Geoffrey Winters’ sex Soit is restricted from reporting or venues collection for another year. Yes, all law assignments are this cool. life (Ballard J at [252]: Is Geoffrey Winters commenting on any of the election some kind of slut or something?), and In a meeting with the Deputy Vice- events until after it is all over. There’s These were the facts of last Wednesday’s notably to a somewhat existential chat Chancellor Derrick Armstrong, the inaugural Rainbow Moot (or ‘Big Gay on carrots vs. deep rectal itching and why always the off chance that Bull Union Board were informed that a Moot’ as it was advertised). Sydney UNSW is shithouse. magazine will inform you but if not, response to the funding extension University Law Society (SULS) hosted we’ll see you on the flip side. requests wouldn’t be given until the an intervarsity comedy moot between While the bench’s academics, who had end of September, at a time when Sydney and UNSW law schools, judged presumably arrived under the impression In other news, last Friday saw the the University would have finished by Sydney’s Professor Anne Twomey and that some federal constitutional law was re-election of the Vice-President and UNSW’s Professor Andrew Lynch. And going to be discussed, were perhaps a business plan. This business plan Treasurer of your Union Board. We breakfast host . And ultimately disappointed, they bore it with is reported to be a design on the King’s Cross barrister/lothario…/god… grace and good humour. Before we left, congratulate Zac Thompson and Rhys process of taking over the Union’s Charles Waterstreet. Oh, what a night. Professor Twomey ensured us that we had Pogonoski on their new executive commercial services. The designer of all learned a very important lesson about positions and look forward to seeing this business schedule was a one Ed A moot is like a debate over a point of equality and what it means, especially them flex some political muscle. Zac Smith until recently. Smith was hired law. Like a debate, except that not only when the tables are turned and the Thompson scored Vice-President for his success involving the UNSW is your trying to tear you emperor really is naked. Why we are still in a photo finish with Brigid Dixon. to pieces; so are the judges. Sydney takeover but has been replaced for having these arguments eludes me. Preferences had to be distributed and University’s Dom Cucinotta and Pat one reason or another. We understand Bateman were out to convince the world Snaps to SULS Queer Officer Glen Wolter they showed Thompson -6, Dixon-5. that he finished drawing up a business that barriage should be for everyone, for conceptualising and organising an The battle for Treasurer proved plan but perhaps it wasn’t in line with both on constitutional grounds and amazing night, and to Professor Twomey cleaner as Rhys Pogonoski received the University’s goals. because, to quote Cucinotta, “for too long for writing the question (I love the way 6 primary votes without the need to your mind works). distribute preferences. Considering

Presented by the Seymour Rise of the Planet of the Post-Grads Centre in association with HUGH SATTERTHWAITE ain’t chimping around. Riverside Productions STUDENT RUSH For better or worse, University of Sydney the direction they wish to pursue as TICKETS $15 colleges are making a conscious effort institutions. Some of the greatest aspects to accept, and accommodate for more of college life survive solely due to a high postgraduate students than ever before. level of involvement from all students, Plans for a post-graduate house are and that is exactly why all freshers are well under way at St Paul’s College, and reminded constantly that college ‘is not St John’s also hopes to increase their just a room’. The problem here is that postgraduate intake should their new the majority of postgraduates seem only building proposal gain momentum. to venture from their rooms for meals. Of course this is a generalisation, but This begs the question: what effects, if generalisations have a habit of being any, will this have on college life? generally true. “A PROFOUNDLY For some, the move is seen as a good Are we chasing the Oxbridge dream, IMPORTANT PLAY” thing. Postgrad members of college tend despite obvious differences in our student to be more focused on their studies, IRISH CULTURE body and college structure? Is this an and as academic institutions colleges extension of the pompous wank that was have always welcomed a few more the renaming of the Sydney Business HDs. Postgrads also contribute to the School? Or are we chasing tutorial programmes that exist within the grants for construction of new student colleges, though this is often born out of accommodation? All weak justifications a desire for more pocket money than any says this humble observer. genuine interest in education. Somewhat less relevantly, ‘postgraduate’ is an This publication has seen its fair share anagram of ‘pastured goat’, and maybe of anti-college rhetoric, but there are the grass really is greener on the other countless traditions that colleges can and side of larger postgraduate intakes. should be proud of, and these traditions are not upheld by people who stay purely However, I myself am unconvinced. for ready-to-eat meals. Postgraduate is also an anagram of ‘a Of course this is not true of all Gestapo turd’. This is not to suggest that postgraduates in college, but college they are in any way a neo-Nazi group, but leaders and administrators should care many among them are about as involved Every night is student rush night for University of Sydney students at the Seymour Centre. about the impact of accommodating in college life as a lump of excrement, An hour before every performance our Box Office will release any unsold tickets for $15. for two large student groups with very and equally, do not respond well to being different, and at times, competing Not available for performance on 3 September. A student ID is required at time of purchase. polished. Valid for in person purchases only. Tickets are subject to availability. interests. Maybe this ‘outraged spat’ Looking beyond anagram-based analysis, (another anagram) will catch their eye… colleges do face a serious decision about 5 "

ARTS REVUE SCIENCE COMMERCEQUEER

campus ARCHITECTURE REVIEWMED L AW

ENGINEERING EDUCATION AND SOCIAL WORK ENGO REVUE: JAMES BLONDE AND THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN ALE JULIO LARNACH was ... unimpressed. TOM WALKER was ... also unimpressed. I’m writing this review having heard them easier to deal with. I am not making Engineering Revue just shouldn’t be. full beards and degrees in engineering, only half the show. Heckles destroyed this argument. You shouldn’t make jokes There. Everyone knew this except the cast: and these boys have been trotting out the entire sketches and, although at times about rape; you shouldn’t make jokes the barstaff insisted I would need another same thing year after year to an audience I didn’t appreciate the venom that about the Sudanese genocide. drink, security seemed reluctant to let me that seems to come to hate rather than was being spat, I think it was necessary. in and the audience angrily drowned out to laugh or enjoy. We get it, you like beer. The sketches I did hear were verging on The best thing about the show was the sketch after sketch. Determinedly oblivious That’s all you like. You don’t like women, discriminatory but never quite reached band. It felt more like a late night talk cast members trekked through a jokeless you don’t like politics, you don’t like it, they were teetering on that line like show where the house band rock out, wasteland, searching for… I don’t know, a ballet or arts students or the generally a drunk guy at a urinal. But, like a drunk independent from the success of the show. punchline? An opportunity to take off that recognized logic behind the construction of guy at a urinal, there’s always the chance If you ignored the song Pub Full of Queers horrible turban costume? A wormhole a show. Also you have an inexplicably good that he’ll spew on his genitals and that’s – which I did – the band was superb. It’s that would carry them into another, better band. what a majority of the jokes were - not like other revues - the audience comes show? disgusting and centred on dicks. in expecting to dislike the show – it’s what What I’m talking about is a self-indulgent I imagine shows in the Wild West were It wasn’t offensive. Well, it wasn’t clearly and self-contained world, so my disgust is There’s a difference between edgy like, appealing to the lowest common bigoted. I was offended, it’s true, but almost redundant. This isn’t for me. The and poor taste. Engineering Revue denominator and they needed a cage not by the material: I was offended that problem is, I’m unsure who it is for. It’s didn’t realise this. You could make the around the stage to save the performers this show was put on, that it received either for a sadistic cast and a masochistic argument that Engineering Revue (The thousands of dollars of funding from the audience or a masochistic cast and a Man with the Golden Ale) was a social I didn’t walk out at half-time because I USU. It’s hard to take a “boys will be boys” sadistic audience. commentary, mocking difficult to broach was given the ticket for free. I will not be approach when the boys in question have topics with abandon – trivializing them buying a ticket next year. in order to humanise them and make SCIENCE REVUE: NASABLANCA

JIM FISHWICK was ... spaced. I’ll show myself out. TOM CLEMENT was ... scienced (?) I’m outta here. James Colley and Sam Jenkins, directors missed. For some reason most dialogue The 2011 Science Revue, the greatest thing ever. But it of NASAblanca, clearly knew what they in the sketches was shouted, but not all NASAblanca, was just great. They didn’t stop there, the other musical wanted to do, and hot damn on a stick actors could carry their diction through have kept up with the standard they numbers were superb as well: did they do it. Delivering Star Wars, Harry sustained shouting. The more nuanced achieved last year with style, and Anakin, are you ok, the human Potter, and Pokémon to a crowd of Star moments came from the sharply-directed I congratulate all of the cast, crew piano and the Voldemort song to Wars, Harry Potter, and Pokémon fans is eponymous story of star-crossed lovers. and everyone else involved. The name a few. undeniably safe, but when it’s this well- audience loved it. executed, who cares? The band, led by Jarred Baker, were tight, especially in their blistering Ghostbusters The sketches were great too. 28 Directorial ambition was obvious and well- cover. I wondered why, with so much But I won’t lie, there were parts I seconds later, aggressive Harry placed, with extravagant dance and choral musical talent, there was only one original disliked. I hate storylines, and this Potter, Casper the friendly child and numbers throughout. Two tissu routines number. The other songs were beautiful was no exception. I didn’t come the pokemon rap were definitely (one ninja-based, the other stripping- renditions, but they were still renditions. to see a revue for dramatic acting, some of the highlights of the night. based) scored ‘oohs’ from the punters, or a non-cohesive plot line where Credit must go to the band as well and a Human Piano, though not perfectly There were occasional slow set changes apparently freezing the leader of for both their costumes and their carried out, was a cute touch. Followed by (with no covering videos or music), and the country you’re at war with in music; a band of superheroes the dirty touch of a Human Centipede joke. occasional microphones-not-conveying- carbonite was a bad thing. Some transferring from the Captain Planet lyrics, although seemingly these are of the sketches ran a little long, theme to Power Rangers was as The big ensemble pieces (my god, was endemic revue issues, not isolated SciRev pushing the joke a little too far, and nostalgic as it was excellent. it a big ensemble) were particularly ones. some elements were a little un- impressive. See, I can’t stand Queen, and I polished (which is to be expected Science Revue has set the bar high don’t know Star Wars thoroughly, but I still Anyhow, NASAblanca was excellent. on the first night). for the second year in a row, and found a ten minute retelling of the latter Exceptionally spectacular. Here’s looking at I’m looking eagerly to next year to through the former thoroughly enjoyable. you, kids. The pros, however, massively see if they can pull it off again. outweight the cons. The first act Outstanding scriptwork from head writers P.S. Fuck you, Patrick Massarani. Stop trying to stifle my words. ended with what can only be Matt Watson and Adam Chalmers was the described as inspired: Star Wars, bedrock of the show, and few beats were the Queen Musical, was literally ARCHITECTURE REVUE: NINETEEN EIGHTY FLOOR JACK GOW was ... floored. (you stallion, you!), I was greeted by showed me that a flashing red light, a future, there was no link whatsoever I’ve already left. a brave, audacious and occasionally bunch of wooden pallets and a voice- to its Orwellian namesake. Which is hilarious show. This is not to say that over does a super-computer make. a shame because I loved the title – a I’ll be perfectly honest; I didn’t go the show was perfect - far from it. But However, the conceit of a dystopian definite improvement on the pretence into the Architecture Revue with for every minor, or for that matter future so rapidly running out of of last year’s – and would have loved to the highest of expectations. Despite major, failing (killing your gay friend’s cat space that a no-holds-barred, don’t- see more effort go into its justification. being an Architecture Revue virgin, because he told you he “hates pussy,” throw-the-rule-book-at-me, Mohawk- I’d heard bad things. So just like anyone?), there were more than enough sporting punk P.I. had to be sent into All in all, Nineteen Eighty Floor was a real virgin, vulnerable beneath unexpectedly bold and delightfully the ‘Architecture Underground’ to a pleasant revue with just the right my metaphorical sheets, I waited controversial choices to compensate. exterminate all architects was a flimsy amount of chutzpah to shock the fuddie- with bated breath in the dark of justification for a laboured through-line. duddies, a brilliantly absurd streak and the Reginald Theatre for what I was Unsurprisingly, what with it being an an obligatory dig at the hideousness of worried would be a harrowing, painful Architecture Revue and all, the set Now you may be wondering why I’ve that scar upon the Sydney skyline: the and incredibly awkward experience. design was particularly impressive. yet to mention the title: Nineteen UTS building. Instead, to my immense surprise Somehow both minimalist and Eighty Floor. That’s because, outside 6 and not inconsiderable pleasure incredibly versatile at the same time, it of said conceit about a dystopian E Why Steve Jobs matters. News In JULIAN LARNACH is iNvestigating. Briefs QUEER On August 24th, the CEO of Apple Inc, declared his something beyond a trend: iPods have become BRIDIE CONNELL made her bed retirement. Some people shrugged over a distant fuss, synonymous with portable music. with broadsheets. some people were glad that the self modelled techno- Well, there’s not much happy to report this week, messiah would vanish from the public eye and a lot Whilst on the cult subject, you need cult leaders. with tales of worry and upset hitting the headlines of people unloaded their emotions into 140 character There’s none better than Steve Jobs. Prowling his around the world, but the Honi team has at least moulds. Whether you knew Steve Jobs or just his keynote addresses in black turtlenecks announcing found a heartwarming story about Ryan Gosling to products, his retirement seems an apt time to weigh products like commandments. He’s got the feel of a cheer you up at the end of all the gloom. his legacy. Wild West snake oil merchant with a god complex, a man of vision and spectacle in an industry that His most successful work is most visible on public isn’t known for emotion. His personality is informed full beards and degrees in engineering, transport. Scores of commuters bopping along in by a series of spiritual pilgrimages and LSD (calling The East Coast of the USA has been hit by and these boys have been trotting out the their own worlds, white headphones: a membership his experiences with drugs “one of the two most Hurricane Irene, causing widespread damage same thing year after year to an audience badge to a worldwide club. The iPod, and subsequent important things I’ve done”). The saddest thing about and claiming eight lives. Over 900,000 homes that seems to come to hate rather than iPhone, was a masterstroke. It’s an MP3 his addresses is that, as the years go by, his frame and businesses have been affected by power to laugh or enjoy. We get it, you like beer. player but better. It does what Apple has has succumbed to the cause of his retirement: shortages and other damage, and nearly 2.5 That’s all you like. You don’t like women, always done best – that is, making stuff pancreatic cancer. Once a jolly fat man million people along the coast were ordered to you don’t like politics, you don’t like easier and sexier. I remember buying with a beard, as his net worth has risen evacuate to safer areas as the hurricane raged, ballet or arts students or the generally my first iPod, a Nano, and asking his visage has faded. A staunch stork with winds peaking at 185km/h. At time of print, recognized logic behind the construction of whether it would skip if I used it of a man delivered his resignation 14 had been confirmed dead. All mortalities were a show. Also you have an inexplicably good while playing basketball. I got a address. It was sad to see a farewell in the state of North Carolina. The hurricane band. blank look and a sly reply, “It’s set in the same locale that has comes almost exactly six years after the an Apple, dude.” Every Apple launched his greatest triumphs. Hurricane Katrina disaster of New Orleans. What I’m talking about is a self-indulgent product is carefully constructed and self-contained world, so my disgust is with functional cool firmly on An oft-overlooked chapter in the almost redundant. This isn’t for me. The the mind, every- thing done story of his life is his involvement Three bones uncovered in bushland in the news problem is, I’m unsure who it is for. It’s with a purpose and crafted to with and nurturing of Pixar. Glass House Mountains area have been either for a sadistic cast and a masochistic a point. It’s the realisation of a Emerging out of George Lucas’ confirmed to be those of Daniel Morcombe, audience or a masochistic cast and a life long pursuit of a user-friendly The Graphics Group, Jobs saw the teenager who went missing sadistic audience. computer that is actually friendly Pixar as a potential proving ground seven years ago. The news comes a fortnight to the user: turning the personal for his radical ideas for computer after Brett Peter Cowan, 41, appeared in court computer into the interpersonal interfaces and, after 9 years of stifled charged with the schoolboy’s . computer, connecting people through success (or failures), he joined forces technology. with Disney for a new kind of graphics: computer generated movies. The Officals in Pakistan and the US claim that The Apple cult is vast and all consuming runaway success of Toy Story Atiyah Abd al-Rahman, the Al Qaeda second- and it’s hard to draw the line between the in 1995 bred a strong in-command, has been killed in a US missle company and its creator. It has proven connection between strike in Northern Waziristan. The death a Fordist wet dream; producer the two companies, comes just months after the death of Osama has become consumer and producing a slew of bin Laden, and US intelligence has heralded consumer has become acolyte. amazing, heartfelt the news as a major blow for Al Qaeda and a Jobs has created a dichotomy and visually stunning step closer to victory over the group. between Apple and PC users. animated movies. With the help of Justin Long When Pixar was he’s changed your choice in absorbed by the Kate Winslet managed to make herself look even more incredibly awesome last week computers into a lifestyle The man himself, Steve Jobs (pictured here). Disney giant, Jobs decision: do you want to be ensured that his voice by saving an elderly woman from a burning the bald guy in the bad suit complaining or do you was still heard – garnering a building. The elderly woman in question? want to be laidback and boyishly handsome collegian? 7% share of the company: this share dwarfs the CEO’s Richard Branson’s mum. Awesome. The fire Obvious. The aesthetic of Apple was a calculated share of 1.7% and Walt Disney’s latest descendent’s started during a tropical thunder storm on move by Steve Jobs, heavily influenced by calligraphy share out a measley 1%. billionaire Branson’s private island. classes he’d sneak in on at university. The lessons of beautiful functionality learned in these lessons are at Steve Jobs is one of the most influential people in the the core of all his ideas. The graphical user interface world and has consistently been a force for innovation Winslet wasn’t the only celebrity doing good of Apple products make them easier to use, and what and aesthetics, he leaves his CEO position with a last week, with Ryan Gosling breaking up a they lack in power they make up for in ease. Artists strong legacy of white headphones, touch screens streetfight in Manhattan. The international swear by them. Publishers praise them. When you and cowboy toys. He should be celebrated for that; an papers won’t tell us what the fight was about, influence those who control trends, you become influential person who is not evil. but they do tell us all about the tight stripy tanktop the hearth throb was wearing. Well thank goodnesss for that.

RAIHANA HAIDARY takes liberties A Postcard from Uncle Sam in the land of the free. “These are the pillars upon which rating was downgraded from AAA to America’s status as the beacon of light power. She was now a cheap tourist our great Democracy stands“. As the AA+ credit rating. This was coupled with for the democratic world is not only postcard picture-standing bored as ever. Capitol Hill tour video flashed images what could be called one of Congress’ built in to its monumental (and might of Congress in action and 18th century greatest debacles in recent history: I add spectacular) architecture and Lost on Wall Street in search of the men dressed in robes with the soothing the inability of the Republicans and stone pillars, but it also underpins Stock Exchange, mum looked aimlessly melodic voice-over, I couldn’t help Democrats to agree on a debt plan in its domestic and global actions. But from side to side and wondered: notice: Americans still look up to these the face of potential disaster - default. now, immersed in the clean-up of their “Where is that big building with all the pillars and buildings, these compounds disastrous efforts in WMD-less Iraq and men screaming over money?” They’re of bricks and water, as evidence that The attitudes and actions of the current the ongoing quagmire in Afghanistan, still screaming; screaming in the hope their country is still the most powerful US government contrasts greatly with the nation that once sought to built that the crumbling mega-giant lands nation in the world. To them, this is the the ideals enshrined within America’s democracies overseas is, as President softly. beacon of light, to which the rest of the Constitution and historical monuments. Obama admits, now focused on ‘nation world, both developed and developing, Nowhere was this contrast more building at home.’ looks up. obvious, than in the Lincoln Memorial in DC. Here stood a giant tribute Lady Liberty stands tall and green as Flash forward to this month, where to a humble man who once noted: ever over New York City harbour. She beneath that same white-marble “America will never be destroyed is still mobbed by hundreds of tourists exterior, partisanship played a key from the outside. If we falter and lose eager to capture their moment with her. factor in the lead up to the worst one our freedoms, it will be because we I could not help notice how her picture day crash since the GFC in 2008. A destroyed ourselves.” symbolised a great history of a great devastating week unfolded: the credit 7 Pres. Gloria Arroya Pres. Barack Obama PM Yukio Hatoyama PM Yukio Israel: @Netanyahm Israel: USA: @BarackObama USA: Jordan: @QueenRania Jordan: Queen Rania Al Abdulla Japan: @hatoyamayukiO PM Benjamin Netanyahu Philippines: @PresidentGMA Conduct) Act, which decriminalized Conduct) Act, which decriminalized (1994!). In in homosexuality antagonists 1996 he slammed political ideologues who as “little slanty-eyed average ordinary, persecute to want in 1997 He complained Australians.” were child support arrangements that the “in 90% of cases and that unfair [and] has done nothing wrong bloke And this fault.” at was the woman of climax recent in his most month, suggested Katter bigotry, destructive be to “deserved marriage gay that Seriously, and ridiculed.” laughed at this shit. write can’t you right be doing something But he must he because up in banana country, in each 70% of the vote around nets election. In deciding his preferences give would whoever he aimed for survive”, to “the right Queenslanders launch Katter’s to and he is set good the fight to Party Australian of breed It is a fight. agricultural in unpolished politician who speaks his true to and stays unsoundbites, loyalty. with unswerving constituency mental He has championed rural in regional health and quality of life no one else. So while this like towns left-wing-reading, inner-city-living, flat-white-ordering fag-celebrating, the fathom cannot socialist deeply with a lot man, he is resonating compatriots. of my FOLLOW THESE LEADERS ON TWITTER LEADERS THESE FOLLOW It’s not easy to say nice things about say to not easy It’s racism The homophobia, Bob Katter. enough to hard are and misogyny find and then you away, explain student as a jock and law out that, in 1964, he egged the university at on their Australian bloody Beatles that wears Dude probably tour. to hide the all the time hat Akubra decomposing lamingtons sticky should be. his brain where shit been stirring Although he’s politics since 1974, in Australian to national shot recently only Katter of the four As one notoriety. the hardballing left independents after of power balance parliamentary election, federal precarious year’s last and government has the Katter farmer’s weathered opposition in his parliament pass legislation, palm. To of a man who win the consent must backwards “walk to once promised of population if “the poof Bourke” to than more north Queensland is any making I wish I was 0.001 per cent.” up. that in as a minister served Katter for the 1980s, Queensland politics so pissed off with all and became spectrum that of the political colours party rogue. he went is lucky he is an independent, system to want no one would because he sludge verbal the toxic explain voted In 1994 he belches delightedly. (Sexual the Human Rights against LIFE CRITIC: BOB KATTER hat. cowboy her BREEN tips JACQUELINE TOM CASHMAN spoke to to spoke CASHMAN TOM morning this the President room. room. lounge his lounge his from from that is Julia v Tony, social media offers a social media offers is Julia v Tony, that earlier this year, but the focus was more more was focus but the earlier this year, than comments on dealing with abusive Malcolm their popularity. on expanding and seems both the exception Turnbull underperformance of Liberal the proof Twitter a larger While he has in this area. very sleek than Abbott and a following Turnbull his ‘Dog Blogs’ (where website, of his three- the perspective from wrote weird. downright legged dog) were sound endearing,While it might actually went own dog was his writing as if he quickly. pretty creepy to cute from further progressed While some have at it seems our politicians than others, potential. social media’s recognise least media crunch the daily As Australia’s with the cult of personality concerned earlier this year, but the focus was more more was focus but the earlier this year, than comments on dealing with abusive Malcolm their popularity. on expanding and seems both the exception Turnbull underperformance of Liberal the proof Twitter a larger While he has in this area. very sleek than Abbott and a following Turnbull his ‘Dog Blogs’ (where website, of his three- the perspective from wrote weird. downright legged dog) were sound endearing,While it might actually went own dog was his writing as if he quickly. pretty creepy to cute from further progressed While some have at it seems our politicians than others, potential. social media’s recognise least media crunch the daily As Australia’s seemingly only popularity figures, with the cult of personality concerned a social media offers is Julia v Tony, that own their to dictate politicians for way politicians are Or perhaps messages. attention the same low aiming at merely has already the media spans that social the reason, Whatever captured. important an media has quickly become our Prime Minister tool, where political with 120,000 Twitter communicate can we Before of a button. the touch at users 5,000 that’s though, away carried too get Big Ben, than London’s less followers of the consist only ever whose tweets ‘bong’. word

nonsense they were engaging in during engaging were nonsense they 2011. September on average With six billion photographs on Facebook, single month uploaded every an within many has instilled the site both capture need to overwhelming have often Users a moment. and share thousands of friends to or even hundreds sequence their perpetual to contribute how no matter of memories. However be, one may this public journal detailed pure of a more ask if something still must within this been lost have may substance overload. information found of music was In 2008, when a sheet of Nantes of the library in the archives as a and attributed France in Western of score and unheard unknown previously a type was there Amadeus Mozart, Wolfgang in hearing a tune that resonance of sweet Similarly, 300 years. over for had been lost to the public a released the Vatican year last of select years 1000 over of book consisting their secret from straight correspondence to included a letter The volume archives. on birch written Rome to an entreaty Hitler, Indians North American a tribe of bark by grandson Genghis Khan’s from and a letter IV. Innocent Pope from demanding homage about a touching is something There private and more With more history. secret of public the arena into moving moments has a the idea of a hidden past scrutiny other certainly are it. There charm to certain a legacy. leave to ways take Or maybe a tree. Pick up a pen. Or plant a while in the for advice and live Mistry’s of the present. confines strict These tactics are by no means limited means limited by no are These tactics 07 home, the Kevin Back America. to with social media engaged campaign politician had. no previous in a way were pages and Twitter Facebook Rudd’s popular and helped position hugely guy. PM as an innovative the would-be office, his (and then losing) Since gaining and has been an intriguing page Twitter his life. into insight heart-warming often in crescendo an unexpected to This came a tea-blending when he won weeks past garnered he’d votes to due competition Alan Jones and online, winning over among others. Beachley Layne has also Julia Gillard Prime Minister social media a commanding established 230,000 Twitter with over presence, combined. ‘likes’ and Facebook followers not be may While the accounts Gillard by all) managed (or at exclusively and constant for allow they herself, with the directly quick communication is so successful public. But not everyone There technology. the new in embracing Labor’s between gap be a large seems to party. Liberal of the and that online efforts Facebook and Twitter Abbott’s Tony of that to pale in comparison followings usage Liberal and his Labor counterpart, in seems less successful of these sites Laming MP Andrew Liberal general. his party a social media guide for created , ,

The leader of the free world is no world The leader of the free Obama year, In July this exception. Hall @ The White ‘Town organised tweets where webcast a live House’, were #AskObama with the hashtag 18 of Well, the President. put to to way made their 40,000 questions Still, the idea of Obama President. for an online up with Twitter teaming has what cements Q & A certainly while. And it isn’t for been a trend of the instalment newest the even ago weeks iBama phenomenon. Just on House opened a page The White foursquare.com. site location-based ‘tips’ get can users foursquare Now visitors and Washington Barack, from House. White The at in’ ‘check even can We’re all familiar with Facebooking with Facebooking all familiar We’re and tweeting friends overseas never we’ve celebrities to condolences More enjoyed. sincerely nor never met, Facebook and though, Twitter recently Arab the in pivotal as praised been have role in the for their Spring and criticised clearly London riots. The technology mobilise citizens, has the ability to leaders political many which is why reaffirm to use social media now technological gain messages, political public. the with connected appear and kudos Politics 2.0 Politics

SAMANTHA HAWKER leaves her legacy in pictures. her legacy leaves HAWKER SAMANTHA REMEMBER THE TIME... poses a poignant question. “What is the “What question. poses a poignant of possessing memory? It doesn’t help point happy remembering of amount no anything… can or nostalgia of yearning no amount days, live seems to society Yet a thing.” change the best that apothegm the well-known by the first of those who devote are lives spent the last building legitimacy while to 50 years with consecrating consumed are 50 years your of leaving The allure legacy. a lasting the for part of the reason mark is perhaps express to human desire obsessive almost and of Twitter With the tentacles oneself. a possibly infinite out to reaching Facebook online the incessant of followers, amount provide sites social networking that presence one with a sense of (usually false) leaves was say had to they what that reassurance meaningful. somehow Facebook has built in 2004, Since its creation of legacy. order of a new the foundation from users 750 million active over Now account a password have the world across an individualised and amazingly detailed to public journal. As a 2008 article published in titled ‘Brave Times magazine York the New ‘Can Intimacy’ of Digital asked, World New in children for imagine a Facebook you lose touch never they where Kindergarten of their lives?’ the rest with those kids for of the average grows As Facebook in a position are so children user lowers persona online curated the carefully where of almost act as a record may of Facebook possible It is also quite lives. their entire time will years born in twenty children that their parents down scroll the ability to have what exactly and find out page Facebook or capers types of devilry or shenanigans,

FARRAGO A Fine Balance 1996 novel Mistry’s Rohinton R JACQUELINE BREENtips her cowboy hat. BOB KATTER LIFE CRITIC: of my compatriots. man, heisresonating deeply withalot champagne socialist cannot fathom the fag-celebrating, flat-white-ordering inner-city-living, left-wing-reading, towns like nooneelse.Sowhilethis health andqualityoflife inregional He haschampionedrural mental constituency withunswerving loyalty. unsoundbites, andstays trueto his politician whospeaks inunpolished agricultural fight. Itisa rare breed of Australian Party to fight the good and heisset to launchKatter’s Queenslanders “theright to survive”, he aimedfor whoever would give election. Indecidinghispreferences nets around 70%ofthevote ineach up inbananacountry, because he But hemust bedoingsomething right you can’t write thisshit. laughed at andridiculed.” Seriously, that gay marriage “deserved to be destructive bigotry, Katter suggested month, inhismost recent climax of the woman was at fault.” Andthis bloke hasdonenothingwrong [and] unfair andthat “in90%ofcases the that childsupport arrangements were Australians.” Hecomplained in1997 want to persecute ordinary, average as “littleslanty-eyed ideologueswho 1996 heslammedpolitical antagonists homosexuality inTasmania (1994!).In Conduct) Act,whichdecriminalized a ConversationwithDavidBrooks Protest, Pedagogy,andSebald: ideological battlelines without The issuehasbeen usedto draw about Little Penny Wong. been employed withregards to thenews allegedly ‘self-evident’ principles–has with matter-of-fact statements about higher moral ground ofjournalism,mixed objectivity andself-indulgence aboutthe discourse we’re usedto now –feigned they’re covering theissue.Themedia the mediawas beingdeceptive inthe way But you wouldn’t beamissifyou thought Wong’s family life. andattacksknow’) ordefences of Penny declarations (‘it’s aprivate matter, you a hodgepodge ofkeeping-our-distance mixed bagofemotionsfrom TheMedia, Apathy? Scrutiny? No–instead, it’s a are having ababy! Timefor celebration? Senator Penny Wong andherpartner Two weeks ago, itwas announcedthat He goes onto add:“Australian writers, European culture.” resisting the fall-back positionofdeep kind ofwork whileat thesametime antipodean challenge to write [Sebald’s] remarks that itwould be“an intriguing Wales andSouthAustralia, Brooks been traveling inoutbackNew South past andpresent. Having recently is haunted by theghosts oftraumas with horrifichistories. Australia, too, is nottheonlycontinent to resonate As Brooks points outto me, Europe or D. M.Thomasandpeoplelike that.” always aminedground, àlaDemidenko can dowithdirect engagement whichis far greater inasensethananything you direct engagement because theaffect is by theaffect rather thanany attempt at glance, sothat theHolocaust isknown this marginal approach, thissortofside writing aboutitisintriguing because of sort ofcan’t befaced directly andhis of it,doesn’tface itdirectly because it of thetimehewrites around theedges the Holocaust,” says Brooks, “butalot andloss.“Hismainsubjectis memory is wrought ofthedeepsilences of post-WWII Germany, Sebald’s prose No meanfeat. Writing inthe context to read thelife works ofW.G. Sebald. Brooks’ summerproject 2010-11 was truly modernpolymath. Forget theRenaissance Man;here isa editor, animalrights activist and vegan. By night, heisareader, writer, poet, Australian Literature at theUniversity ofSydney. lectures twentieth-century poetics and By day, Associate Professor David Brooks CLAIRE NASHARtalks books withBrooks. PENNY WONGISHAVING ABABY, BABY, BABYOOH! RAFI ALAMdissestheDevine. headlines for thesamearticle:‘Pregnancy If that’s notall, onlineIfound two fatherless gay babies. riots, whichwere apparently caused by makes somesurreal leap to theLondon because you want to becool!’ Shealso a parent saying ‘you just thinkyou’re gay in modernsociety, which soundsabitlike heteronormativity isanembarrassment tirade abouthow thisjust shows how So far, ok?Notquite. Shethenbeginsa doesn’t make itnewsworthy etc. etc. have children; just because she’s gay about having achild;lotofpoliticians off by saying that there isn’tanything big Devine (groan) for asecond. Shestarts Let’s take resident right wingnutMiranda we’re at it,we may aswell talk aboutit.’ that there iscontroversy, sothat ‘while controversial at all…butacknowledging acknowledging theissuebeing also akindofmoral responsibility to put eye to thegeneral picture, butthere’s […] Itseemsto methat you keep an and teach what you thinkisimportant. the writers. You just sortofputitaside up knowing agreat many ofthepoets, you are awriter andsoforth you end been inthepoetrysceneandwhen poetry,” Brooks says, “and whenyou’ve teacher? you’ve “When beenediting How doesthisburden impactupona from acompromised moral position. that hedidn’tthinkcould write about. W. G.Sebaldhimselfoncesaid alone write about.Let aloneteach A hard self-image to face upto. Let confront anddealwith.” horror, ourown anguish,that we must hide intheoutback–andthat’s ourown we pushover themountains orthat we dark, darksideofAustralia that you start to thinkthat there’s awhole the inmates are Aboriginal,andthen of thosecorrectional facilities 80%of And thenyou thinkthat maybe insome that we are are causing, demanding. unpleasant, that we don’twant to know and to dothingsthat are really quite from theculture; aplaceto hidethings the abjectfrom thecityandabject countryside that you love, that isalso Australia that you love, you know, the you just realise that there’s onepartof heartbreaking amount ofroad-kill, and or abattery farm, andthere isa correctional facility, oraslaughterhouse, every second town hasaprison,or a highway towards Broken Hill[…] that direction; and yet, drivingalong suffering at all–whenthey turnin suffering whenthey write about most writers, write abouthuman Australia ships three to four million largest exporter ofsheepandcattle, an isolated incident. Astheworld’s limping backto Adelaide.By nomeans on itsway to theMiddleEast andwas trouble offthe coast ofSouthAustralian a shipcarrying 67,000sheephadstruck export billcoincided withareport that The lead-upto thevote onthelive ring ofsilence.” doing theirbusinessthey enter akindof anyway, andthenwhenthey’re actually so they weren’t there for theprotest not inCanberra, whenthey were home; the weekend whenthepoliticians were says, “that we didallthoseprotests over was thisdepressing thought,” Brooks on thebillto endlive export. “There organised for theactualday ofthevote August), there was paradoxically nothing the previous weekend (13thand14thof after the fairly highprofile protests of had bothindependently realised that vigil.” Two nights before, heandTeja me, “more like asilent presence, a next day. “Notaprotest,” hecorrects live export ofanimalsinCanberra the were organising aprotest against the our interview heandhispartner, Teja, then,that onthemorningof surprising, law. For me,it’s theLaw.” It’s hardly “tenderness towards existence isthe law iscompassion,”“The hesays to me, agree to.” that, that’s like livingingulagthat you a littlebitof compassion somewhere’ – day-job, andmy night-job isto exercise divided mindthat says ‘Okay, thisismy that’s partofwhat we suffer from. The can’t have thisdividedmindbecause yourself outthere alittlebitmore. You article ‘YouHerald article don’thave achild to blatant the orannoying, it’s notjust her. Whilenowhere nearas compounded by Evil ‘Fuck’Murdoch. But precipitated by Citizen ‘Hearst’ Kane and She represents thedeclineinjournalism Devine, it’s because Iam.Sheshitsme. If you thinkI’m picking onMiranda refugee left wingsociety? paedophilic-enabling atheist, Muslim- moral fabric ofourdisintegrating gay/ you must address itto keep intact the (and notyour pure, delicate that self), agenda makes everything acontroversy how you don’tcare butsincethegay like you needto write anarticleabout or doyou care aboutitsomuchyou feel actually notcare aboutherhaving ababy, to beanissueornot,Miranda? Doyou still best for children.’ Sodo you want this for masscelebration’ and‘Nuclearunits of Penny Wong’s female partnernocause Sydney Morning Amen to that, David Brooks. don’t just talk aboutit.” minimise it.Exercise compassion, contributing to suffering, but you can it’s impossibleto live without of today: “Lookaround you: Brooks’ adviceto thestudents So what can we doaboutit?David just hideous.” weather -thedeaths ontheway are for theseships to list terribly inbad things to break-down, thepropensity hideous isthispropensity for these but oneofthethingsthat makes itso this happens.Thetrade itself isevil, not designedfor animalsanyway, and yet they’re inbadcondition; they’re carriers because they’re cheap,and buckets are usedaslive-export happens,” says Brooks sadly. “Rust- isthesortofthingthat “This pay for alambkebab. pneumonia. Apretty highprice to disease, injury, heat stress and board theseships -from starvation, year around 37,000sheepdieon carry asmany as100,000sheep.Each to three week journey. Someships sheep persquare metre, for thetwo They are crammed inpens,three the portcan be1,000kmormore. trade, thejourney from thefarm to sheep earmarked for thelive export year. According to theRSPCA, for sheep aloneto theMiddleEast each letters section. P.S. Don’tget mestarted onthe hatred towards Miranda Devine. But don’tlet that distract you from my and insincere . piece becomes anexercise inmoderation be neutral themost’, whileanopinion becomes agame of‘whocan pretend to the media,where an‘objective’ article regarding themisleadingnature of articles. Itsmerely asighoffrustration This isn’tanattack onopinionated political point too. argument, butclearlymakeshollow” a as adeconstruction ofher“illogical and criticism ofDevine’s articleis presented ‘Oh Miranda’, theirquote-by-quote heterosexual hasakid);also, inCrikey’ legality ofheterosexual marriage whena it apolitical issue(you don’tdiscussthe make apolitical statement’ kindofmade

SMH s farrago _ U Sports stars getting drunk, getting rowdy, getting punchy at nightlubs. With media coverage constantly Sports In focussing on the bad stuff, where does the responsibility lie? Should sports stars grow up and start acting like the adults their pay cheques suggest or should the media mind their own business? Briefs DOMINIC BOWES hits it HANNAH BRUCE MICHAEL COUTTS VS. out of the printed park. The English papers were quick to ‘Celadus makes the girls swoon’ was inscribed onto a wall in The Rugby World Cup is the premier event on the international proclaim ‘the end of test cricket’ Pompeii thousands of years ago, referring to one of the gladiator rugby calendar. Accordingly, the team announcement of the as England moved to number 1 on greats before Vesuvius blew its top. If I saw a sexily-stubbled guy Wallabies team to contest the William Webb Ellis trophy is the ICC rankings this month. By this ripped like Eric Bana, wearing all but a scant leather skirt, I would correspondingly important. For James O’Connor to not turn up measure Australia has ended test probably swoon and blow my top too (indulge my Troy fantasies because he’d had too big a night before was a magnificent slap cricket over and over again during for a while). Sporting stars have been idolised and admired for to the face of the Australian Rugby Union and Australian rugby the last decade and a half. The 4-0 thousands of years but the modern media insists on incessantly followers. Rumours surfacing from the Wallabies hierarchy series drubbing over India capped harping on about the alleged (?) scandals in their personal lives. suggested that senior players and officials have long been off a remarkable couple of years for Why should our sporting greats be harassed and constantly frustrated with O’Connor’s attitude, egoism and disrespect of the team. It was just two and a half badgered by the media? Should they have to be subjected to established protocol. Despite this long history of antagonism, years ago that England was rolled review panels every single time there is a vague whisper of O’Connor’s punishment was a paltry one match suspension and for 51 by the mediocre West Indies. wrong-doing? a suspended fine of $10,000 (an amount he makes per game). Interestingly the team’s success has largely paralleled the absence of 05 Public figures, like politicians, should be heavily scrutinised for Sports stars really seem to get off easy for the wrong things Ashes hero Andrew Flintoff. their actions. They have been voted into their jobs and so should they do. Even when they mess up big time, they get a lot of be accountable to the Australian public. Sports stars on the second chances. Like seriously, A LOT. Take Todd Carney for other hand are in a completely different category. Their fame has example. Todd is 25 years old. He has been a professional The AFL’s best teams have continued come from the fact that they can score a bazillion tries or do a rugby league player for 8 of those years. In that short space of their march toward September triple-quadruple semi pike. They have trained hard to get to that time, he has been charged by the police five times for various uninterrupted. Collingwood, elite level but they never signed up to be idolised or to become misdemeanours, including a high speed car chase through and Hawthorn have all enjoyed wins a role models. That is not a choice sports stars have, it simply the streets of Canberra whilst his licence was suspended with in excess of 130 points. As a result comes with the territory. Being thrust into the public eye, with team mate Steve Irwin, then crashed said car, and attempted of the enormous and widening gap paparazzo trailing them and gossip mags splashing their latest to flee on foot (2007), and an incident where Carney pinned between the best and worst teams, inter-marital affairs over their sickeningly glossy covers, is not a man down and urinated on him in a nightclub (2008). After unemployment has risen sharply what sports stars signed up for. yet another incident involving alcohol, Carney was stood down amongst the coaches. Neil Craig, by his club last month indefinitely. NRL CEO David Gallop then Dean Bailey and Rodney Eade have Sure, some of them act like douches and lap up the attention. floated the possibility that perhaps Carney deserves no more all moved on; while Matthew Primus Many exploit their fame through sponsorship deals. There is chances and should be permanently deregistered from the NRL seems to be the next to go. no doubt that many live the high life but hey, if they’ve been (you think, David?). getting up at 6am to swim a causal 40km before breakfast for Lleyton Hewitt must now be coming years, then I think they’re entitled to enjoy their earnings. What The obvious question about all this is why any club would want to the realisation that his career sporting celebrities don’t deserve is to be crucified by the media a player like Carney and why the club wouldn’t come down like is over. It was a decade ago that as soon as a hint of scandal emerges. a ton of bricks on him. The answer is not because Carney is an Hewitt beat Sampras to win the alcoholic and his problem is pathological. If that were the case, US open. Hewitt’s chronic hip and SPORT The media circus surrounding Benji Marshall’s assault trial he would get drunk on the couch at home or go to a quiet pub foot problems have forced him to over the last couple of weeks is one example of the media somewhere. Instead, he hits the loudest, most public clubs in withdraw from that same tournament harassment high profile sports players are subjected to. After six Kings Cross: he is an egomaniac addicted to attention and fame, this year. Hewitt last made it through months of accusations, Marshall was acquitted from the charge not alcohol. The answer is much simpler: the boy is a bloody to the second week of a Grand Slam at of assault occasioning actual bodily harm following an alleged good footballer. If you can kick goals, score tries, make tackles Wimbledon in 2009. racial slur at a Maccas in the city. Marshall left the Downing or perform other sports related skills well, then you hold all the Centre saying “It’s been a tough time...now let’s play rugby”. The power. Clubs and codes are loath to lose such talent, and so do The A-League, on the other hand, fact that Marshall shined as a rugby league player for the Tigers not want to jeopardise their relationship with a troublesome has had a great week of publicity. in the lead up to the grand final, was completely overshadowed but talented player lest he not sign a new contract. That’s why Melbourne Victory’s signed Harry by the assault charges. players like Carney are constantly given second chances; in Kewell to return to play domestic contrast, his far inferior team mates Irwin and Watts were both football in Australia. Sydney FC then Why can’t we focus on the astonishing physical abilities, broken sacked by their respective clubs. Neither has played in the NRL announced the signing of Brett world records and feats of endurance by our elite athletes, since. instead of the media saga around their personal lives? Emerton. Both moves represent If O’Connor wasn’t crucial to the Wallabies World Cup campaign, a huge victory for the A-League’s he would have been cut from the squad for his disrespect, marquee player rule. A downside of immaturity and egoism. Let’s just hope he makes up for his the shifts has been the creation of RUGBY WORLD CUP actions on the pitch come September, because if he doesn’t, he minor rescheduling issue to avoid a might not be so lucky next time… clash between Australia’s world cup qualifier with Oman and the A-League season launch. PREVIEW! Samoa: They beat Australia. Everybody was a little BRENDAN DAY is closing all bets. freaked out. THEY’RE NOT GOING TO WIN, OKAY? Once every four years, the greatest sporting as they have declared the day after the final will be a Ireland: The dark horses of the Cup, the Irish are only spectacle the industrialized world has ever known public holiday. New Zealand are famous for choking a couple of years removed from a Grand Slam in the enters our lives, a glorious celebration of the fabled when it comes to the Cup, having not made the Six Nations competition. They are in the same Pool as human spirit and its incredible durability to succeed final since 1995, but it looks like they will be next to Australia, so look for them to challenge the Wallabies through the most extreme of hardships. I am of impossible to defeat. We can hope, though. for top spot. course talking about the Olympics. The Rugby World Russia: Russia is also in Pool B with Ireland and Cup, on the other hand, is a fairly rigid and routine England: English rugby is renowned for its boring Australia, but should get handily walloped by both exercise, a tournament that features an unchanging nature in both the descriptive and literal sense – their sides. A fun fact – I only discovered that Russia has a core group of countries competing for supremacy. style of play, revolving around rolling mauls, strong national rugby team ten minutes ago. The impending World Cup, to be played over seven scrimmaging, and tactical kicking, is akin to a drill boring into a rock until it breaks through. Though they weeks (!) from 9 September to 23 October 2011, Namibia: Oh, Namibia. After beating Madagascar displayed impressive attacking panache in a dismantling is to be held in New Zealand, and thanks to the 116 – 0 in 2002, they lost 142 – 0 to Australia at the of Australia last year, their form has been less than combination of a similar time zone and an exciting World Cup the following year. Long gone are the days stellar; hopefully, we won’t have to put up with much young Wallabies team, is set to be one of the more of Rudie Van Vuuren, the Namibian who doubles as of the refrain of ‘Swing Low, Sweet Chariot’ sung by intriguing Cups. To increase your familiarity with the the greatest human ever; not only did he represent drunken Englishmen. subject, here’s a rundown of the form of some of the Namibia in both the cricket and rugby World Cups, but key teams: South Africa: Look, it’s probably unfair to label all he simultaneously worked as a physician. Rudi Van Vuuren, we bow to you. New Zealand: The top-ranked side in the world, South African players as dirty, but I’m going to go ahead and do it. Somehow, the grubby Bakkies Botha is still a flawless Tri-Nations run (so far), a World Cup Australia: World Champions? It seems that our hopes playing for the Springboks, despite his proven penchant tournament in their backyard – everything point lie on the shoulders of Quade Cooper, rugby’s version for biting, eye-gouging, dislocating shoulders, and being towards the All Blacks adding to their lone World of Benji Marshall – an extremely gifted yet erratic an all-round bad guy. Let’s hope that if South Africa Cup victory at the event’s inception. Of course, this ballplayer who influences the entire team’s confidence. does make the final that it’s not against England, as the also means that the pressure for them to perform Less than two years ago, Cooper was charged with match the two teams played in the 2007 final was some is unbelievably intense; the country’s Government burglary – if worst comes to worst, he could just go and of the dullest rugby ever seen. seems to have already planned on their winning, steal the World Cup for Australia. THE PROFILE GREG FLEET hard for young comics to get really good now because now you’re luckyto be working onenight aweek… It’s a be working four timesaweek, whereas ifyou start out about for comics new four year. Wewere got allthe first spots, theopening spots.We’d there started I “When talent. the UK andFleet recognises thisasessential infostering Australian comics headed for thegreener pastures of There’s been amassexodus recently oftalented acts.” any women, hardly any doubleacts, hardly any weird stand up anditbecame abitgeneric. There were hardly people started doingitandwas allthese blokes doing became economically viable to do.Suddenly allthese all onemanandamicrophone because that suddenly “It got to apoint where itallbecame abitgeneric. Itwas able to diagnose the problems plaguinglive comedy. industry, but putshimintheunique positionofbeing allows Fleet notonlyto keep track ofwhat’s new inthe Keeping onthe forefront oftheAustralian comedy scene who wouldn’t know anyone whostarted after 1990.” people whostarted outwhenIdid, my contemporaries, comics onsoIknow what’s going on.There are alotof comedy nights andwork at nights where there’s new “So I’m notoutoftouch to Itry emcee alotofnew comics. scene, going outofhisway to perform alongside new keeping afinger onthe pulseofthe developing comedy He happilyattributes hislongevity inthe industry to might be. He’s always bounced back, no matter how low the bounce He now hashisfingers inseveral television-bound pies. the audience withanewfound passionfor hismedium. material, cleaned himselfupandbegan to engage with course of2009-2011hetransformed hismain-stage alternative comedy boomofthe90s.Hell, over the success. Heheldmassive influence over Britain’s the decades andstruggles to come, became acult Daphne character, briefly went into rehab and, through of NIDA hewent to Neighbours and killed thepopular Fleet isdefined by hisresilience. After dropping out heroin addiction,it’s easy to believe him. in aLongSleeve Shirtandadecades-spanning battle with up androbbing banks”. Withapast show titledTen Years comedy, Fleet laughsthat he’d be“robbing banks, tooled his best. When asked aboutwhat he’d bedoingwithout out anddishevelled, Fleet’s performance was far from Two years ago, the2009gala saw adifferent man: burnt from the leadingmanofAustralian comedy. was smart,sillyandaperfect example ofwhat to expect performance wasn’t acerbic, mean-spirited ordivisive; it worryingly violent vernacular ofcomedy, he killed. His sang asongaboutwearing jumpers aspants and, inthe friend andcollaborator MickMoriarty. Together they pyrotechnics, afleet ofdancers, (sorry) andlong-time renowned folk bandMyFriendTheChocolate Cake, GregGala Fleet took to the stage withinternationally For the 2011Melbourne Comedy Festival’s AllStar they’d go, laughingthewholeway there. comfortable whiletaking themplacesthey never thought Melbourne haunts. He can make acrowd feel instantly gives the audience backtheirroom, inthe way ofhisold and brutal honesty that hasmade Greg Fleet famous most casual ofstyles. The conversational, engaging tone an intimate venue andweave incredible tales withthe as he beginstalking. Hecan reduce thelargest rooms to be attributed to theinstant connection you feel assoon Fleet isastoryteller andhissurvival inthe industry can Comedy Show Ever onSeptember 8amongother biggigs. University’s own Verge Festival event The Best Damn show Thai Dieinthe works andanappearance at Sydney stage. The coming weeks seeaDVD ofhispopularlive Despite this, hehasn’t lost hisfondness for the stand up would beastand upshow withsketches.” a was that and stage conscious decision, because ifyouon saw them onstage it them see never You stage. comics andwhat they get up to whenthey’re noton year orstart ofnext year, aneight-part seriesabout “I’ve got ashow Iwrote coming outat the endofthis a has and force with varietyform ofprojects coming up. to returned He’s industry. Surprisingly, Fleet isn’t downtrodden aboutthe comedy a guest intheirlounge room, that’s great.” I started out, they were like that. When you’re almost like The Esplanade and the Prince Patrick in Melbourne where love rooms where theaudiencefeels proprietal aboutit. less likely to heckle andcarry onandwreck the night. I their place.Iftheaudiencefeels it’s be theirjoint, they’ll “It’s abouttherooms andthe audience feeling that it’s best rooms from therest. comedy thrives onintimacy, thefactor that separates the on thepopularityoflive comedy inAustralia. He believes of boththestructure oftheindustry andanindictment The necessityofthemove overseas, he says, isafailing Perrier award.” several timesanight –andheends upwinningthe he could, whichwas virtuallyevery night –sometimes wasn’t. He went to theUK andgot to work every time comic, Idon’t thinkhe’d mindme saying that, hejust point. When Brendan left Australia he wasn’t avery good time sothey get muchbetter. Brendan Burnsisacase in work for free, they go to the UKandget to work allthe particularly good at comedy andsothey couldn’t even “I have friends wholeft here whenthey weren’t they don’t get to work enough,” says Fleet. by TOM WALKER andJAMES COLLEY

profile X N How far we’ve come. MICHAEL KOZIOL explores a shameful day in Australia’s history and the steps we’ve taken to stay perfectly still.

On the 24th of August 2001, a small, wooden fishing Palapa was stricken. “Why else would we be knocking on boat carrying 438 asylum seekers – the Palapa – became Indonesia’s door trying to get them to co-ordinate the rescue?” stranded in international waters approximately 140 kilometres north of Christmas Island. Australia’s response Perhaps it seems petty to dwell upon a series of maritime marked the beginning of an ongoing battle against unfoldings more than a decade past. But those months a perceived threat, creating a debate that has been before the federal election are crammed with significant oftentimes loud, and always ugly. details now oft blended in to history, such as the communication failures which gave rise to the ‘children Exactly ten years on, journalist and author David Marr overboard’ affair. It demonstrates that while does not wish to let that moment in our history escape the push and pull the levers with an eye on the latest Newspoll, national consciousness. “Australia left that boat out for 24 out at the coalface those decisions have very real, often hours, knowing that it needed rescue, knowing that it was very harsh consequences for passengers, crew and our dead in the water, knowing that there were people jumping maritime forces. up on the deck desperately trying to attract the attention of a coastguard plane that twice flew over the boat.” “From the moment of the stopping of the Tampa, the new policy was put in place of attempting to force boats to “Australia did not do what it should have done, which is return to Indonesia,” says Marr. “That’s a tremendously to call for any ship in the vicinity to come and help these dangerous operation. The Navy hates those operations, people - because a decision had been taken in Canberra because the Navy knows what happens: people sabotage that these people, on that boat, would not be allowed in to their boats to compel rescue. That’s what happens. That’s Australia.” why all those people were in the water, that’s why people drowned, that’s why Australian military personnel were put Perhaps better than anyone, Marr is able to articulate with at risk.” great sensibility the realities faced by a battered old fishing boat manned by an ill-equipped crew in the middle of the A strong narrative history has developed over the last feature Indian Ocean. “That night there was a huge storm. They decade positing that Howard’s policy stopped the boats; survived it by a miracle. The following morning somebody and that when it was lessened under Kevin Rudd, the on the boat painted ‘SOS’ on some white scarves using onslaught resumed. There is a valid principle here: that the engine oil: they put them on the roof, and when the toughness or softness of Australia’s position does alter the coastguard plane came back the next morning, there was number of arrivals. For a while, many sought to deny this now an indisputable legal obligation on Australia to order simple logic. the rescue of that boat.” But the picture is also infinitely more complex. Marr notes The vessel which would come to the rescue was a that it was not chiefly the threat of being parked on Nauru Norwegian cargo ship, the MV Tampa. Its captain, Arne which reduced the boats: rather, it was the practice of Rinnan, was then barred from entering Australian territorial turning boats back to Indonesia, and sending their hopeful, waters to deposit those whose lives he had saved. The desperate human cargo back to where they came from. Australian government attempted to organise for Indonesia or even Norway to take them. “When we asked for food “The Pacific Solution wasn’t irrelevant, but it wasn’t really and medicine for the refugees,” said Captain Rinnan, “the what killed the trade. [It] was just an extremely expensive Australians sent commando troops on board.” They were way of warehousing the people who did get through the armed, and they were tasked with preventing the boat blockade. It cost about $600,000 a head for the Pacific reaching Christmas Island. A full eight days later, having Solution. You’ve got to understand that money is no object refused to back down, the Government arranged for a in this area, when it comes to blocking and punishing navy vessel to collect the asylum seekers and take them to refugees who come here by boat.” Nauru. It was the dawn of the Pacific Solution. The Gillard government hopes that its latest plan, which One of the architects of that policy was the then allows us to send 800 asylum seekers to Malaysia, will immigration minister, Philip Ruddock. He tells a different replicate this effect. It in fact hopes that it will not have story of that final week of August 2001. “I have absolutely to send anywhere near 800; that the boats will stop on no idea whether we even knew that [the Palapa] had account of people smugglers being unable to promise floundered. It was in Indonesian waters, it wasn’t in entry to Australia. To that end, the Government is prepared to Australian waters.” He says he would be ‘very surprised’ if sacrifice some – the families who will be tossed back in to limbo an Australian aircraft had flown over the stricken ship. Once in Malaysia – to bring about a politically expedient outcome. on board the Tampa, Rinnan’s logical move would be to The concern for Gillard must be that 800 is a fairly small continue to the Indonesian port of Merak to which he was quota to fill before she is back to the drawing board. People already en route. smugglers are more than happy to lie to a few prospective “The reason this became an issue is because those people customers. There appears to be a new option on the table: who were rescued said ‘we don’t want you to go to reopening Manus Island on Papua New Guinea. But it is Indonesia, we want you to go to Australia’,” says Ruddock. seriously unlikely – and by precedent unthinkable – that “And the captain succumbed to duress.” But when anybody processed on Manus Island would not end up in Australian officials denied permission for the ship to dock Australia eventually. So what is the point of it all? at Christmas Island, our neighbour changed its tune. “The For the Labor Party, the goal might just be to take the issue Indonesians came to the view that if it was good enough off page one. Labor loses when boats arrive. It would be for Australia to say they wouldn’t have them, [Indonesia] a truly impressive vanishing act for it to be off the agenda wouldn’t have them either.” at the 2013 election. “A determined and resourceful Marr has set out the events in his 2003 book, Dark Victory, opposition will make sure that is not the case,” replies Marr. with multiple sources - including rescue officials and the “Whipping up race fears over boat people is a principle official CMI report - evidencing that Australia knew the mechanism by which the Opposition intends to undermine 12 N

But when a small increase of boat arrivals in early the Government. They are playing race politics at a very 2010 threatened to destabilise an increasingly fragile brutal domestic level, and they know it.” government, Rudd reacted defensively and announced a Polling has indicated that a steady 30-35% of Australians processing suspension for Sri Lankan and Afghan asylum do not want to accept any asylum seekers who arrive by applicants. The spectre of another 2001 election loomed, boat. If you work at it, says Marr, you can whip it up to and that prospect frightens the ALP more than any almost double, as was the case during the height of the Australian fears dark faces on leaky boats. Tampa panic. And the question is constantly posed, in “I interpreted what he said as saying that he could not intellectual forums and over dining room tables: would face down the worst instincts of Australia on this issue - boat people be equally demonised if they were white? he couldn’t do it. And my view of Julia Gillard is that she “There’s a chorus of commentators in the press who cry shares many of those worst instincts of Australia. She that it’s completely, outrageously wrong to suggest that has no sympathy for these people. She believes Australia this is about race. But it is about race. There’s very good has the right to take this exceptional position. She is not polling material to show that the group in Australia who is going to spend any political capital whatsoever in trying most troubled by boats is the group who remains troubled to calm this situation down.” by immigrants coming to this country from the Middle The situation is not dissimilar to the panic which East and Asia. In other words, it’s the old white Australia engulfed Australia during the Tampa period. I sentiment in the modern day.” ask Ruddock whether his government shoulders responsibility for creating such a prolonged, disproportionate and touchy issue. “It only became divisive and contentious because of the “It cost about $600,000 a head for way in which the Labor Party flip-flopped in relation to the Pacific Solution. You’ve got supporting the measures that the government took,” he says. “There wouldn’t have been a political issue if these to understand that money is no people [aboard the Tampa] hadn’t...attempted to put the object in this area, when it comes captain under duress. The idea that this was in some way fabricated by the Howard Government...is fanficul. These to blocking and punishing refugees were legitimate responses to circumstances that the who come here by boat.” Government found faced them.” Those circumstances were essentially the opening of the floodgates. Ruddock doesn’t particularly want to countenance the darker forces behind Australia’s fears. He is a relentless yet admirable “The numbers in the pipeline which we were being pragmatist, who speaks the language of orderly process and advised would come by boat through Indonesia and border protection, and practises the art of the possible. Malaysia, or places like Pakistan, Iran and Syria, was in excess of 10,000.” He adds that to expect those numbers “The opinion polling makes it very clear,” he says. not to increase to European levels would have been naive. “Multiculturalism and immigration decline in terms of broad public acceptability when borders are being “I know that there are something like 20 million people administered laxly. One of the things that occurred who had been found to be refugees in the world. under me was that the immigration program grew with Australia is not able to take 20 million people for very strong public support, and that happened between resettlement. In essence, Australia has to make choices. 1997 and 2007.” He suggests that the recent ‘big Australia’ I believe the way in which we should deal with these debate may have unearthed a very different sentiment were matters is to focus upon those who need help most, feature Australians not unhappy about the integrity of their borders. rather than those who have the money to pay somebody else to put them at the front of the queue.” “That does produce a degree of anxiety within the Australian community which is quite negative to social The very notion of a queue is of course hotly contested. cohesion”. It’s quite a simple compromise: be tough on While there is some semblance of order in the United boat people and win the tolerance of multiculturalism and Nations refugee camps dotted across the Earth, one does migration. But is that a necessary sacrifice? Not according not have to be at a camp to be a refugee. And Australia to Marr. “There is also a very decent Australia,” he says is obliged to take them. “The conventions allow refugees optimistically. “When you ask people, ‘what do you want to travel by land, by sea and by air – always,” says Marr. to do with boat people?’, you find about 45 percent of “The notion that it is irregular or unjust for refugees to come people say ‘let them in and let’s assess their claim’, versus to Australia by sea is a very strange judgment. It’s a judgment 30-35 per cent who say send ‘them out to sea and we that is being reinforced by 20 or 30 years of politics.” don’t care if they drown’. So the politicians in this country “Would that the refugee system was orderly – it’s not, are choosing which constituents to play to.” it’s disorderly. Would that it were fair – it’s not, it’s unfair. Indeed, The Sydney Morning Herald produced an extensive It would be great if there was a queue in the refugee survey only two weeks ago revealing that 53 percent of world - there is no queue, it is confusion out there. But Australians want all asylum seekers arriving by boat to be the other day, some pollsters asked people, ‘do you think processed in Australia. 28 percent want them to be housed they’re queue jumpers?’ And the reply of 88% of the in another country, while 15 percent think the boats respondents was yes they are, they’re queue jumpers.” should be sent back out to sea. There is a hint of sadness from Marr in those words. He There has been, and continues to be, a severe mismatch can still be shocked, he says, by the callousness and the between the sentiment outlined in polling, and the ignorance. Asked to nominate a single memory which decisions taken in Canberra. Kevin Rudd was perhaps our still prompts dismay, he recalls a statement given by John best - and only - chance at shifting the paradigm. Marr, Howard in that spring of 2001. despite certain misgivings and a now very personal rift, “He said it was time to stop Australia’s humanitarian gives credit where it is due. instincts being taken advantage of - as he left a boatload “Rudd was more compassionate. Even the night before he of shipwreck survivors to bake in the tropical sun, on a was shoved out the window, he was still saying he would cargo boat, off Christmas Island. Just left them there to be forced to the extreme right-wing position on refugees. bake until he could occupy the ship with a commando army.” He put in place while he was Prime Minister a much more How far we’ve come. decent policy - and the opposition signed off on it. It was, at least briefly, a bi-partisan policy before new leadership of the opposition saw new political opportunities.” 13 P exploring VERge You might have noticed an elaborate tent sitting on the top of the squash courts, several shipping containers lining Eastern Avenue, and an excited buzz lurking on campus this week. Ringing in its ninth birthday this year, Verge Festival is back for ten days of comedy, art, theatre, music and Kanye. WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS? HARRIET GORDON ANDERSON sat down for a pow wow with Verge Festival directors Harriet Gillies and Tom Walker

Once again the USU has gone all out on a two-week with free popcorn in the Verge Tent, free art, free H: Look, the USU don’t make money running Verge, binge of creative and performing arts, comedy, music, amazing laser party and you can see not one but two of they spend money. A lot of it. But they are happy to do and ponies. That’s right kids, it’s Verge Festival time. the best emerging and experimental works in our new it every year just so that they can give us an amazing Chances are you’ve noticed the huge white tent above venue, the Wine Cellar, for only 5 bucks! festival that will inspire, educate and entertain the Manning squash courts, or if you’re really switched-on, T: Well for one you’ll have to come along to every event pants off us. They are brilliant and too many students the ten giant shipping containers on Eastern Avenue. don’t realise how much they do that effects our Honi caught up with this year’s festival directors, to find out which ones we’re giving away free food at. We’ve tried to keep all our events affordable. Sure everyday experience at Uni. They are legit as shit and I students Harriet Gillies and Tom Walker to see just what love them. the hell is going on. there’s free events, but you can see what we define as our “big five” events for $35 all up. T: The rest of the year we get to see how talented Honi: So the theme for this year’s festival is ‘come Tom, what has Harriet brought to the festival? students are within a few set frameworks. Kickstart explore’ eh? What can I expect to explore? Y’mum? grants, revue season, then Verge comes along and tells LOL. No but really: T: Harriet brings theatre-smarts and a savvy head, people they have money to do whatever the fuck they Harriet: Both of our mums’ names are Juliet and they which she shouldn’t get any credit for because if she want and they can do it inside an adorable tent. I think are both lovely ladies, so you keep them out of it. No didn’t bring the savvy head to the festival she’d die they keep letting us do it because secretly they want to but really, this year our main aim was to make Verge of blood loss. She’s dedicated, she doesn’t spend all see how far it can get pushed. day googling the words “discount ogres” and she’s as accessible and easily enjoyable as possible. We Ok Verge Directors, you’ve got no rules, a limitless are taking as much as we can to the streets, like the definitely got her ear to the ground. Basically she brought Sydney’s six biggest theatre people to Verge, I budget, and the ability to bend space and time. WHAT UnContainable exhibition, which is going to transform EVENT WILL YOU STAGE? City Rd and our daily FUNCH (Fun at Lunch) sessions. brought ponies. We want people to turn into explorers and get their Harriet, which event will make Tom cry tears of joy? H: I used to have this dream when I was little where adventurous spirit on, VERGE-STYLE. I was on a never ending slippery-slide in the sky and H: If I had a dollar for how many times Tom has on either side of me there was the most brilliant food Tom: Verge’s exploration is kind of like going to the mentioned how excited he is for the Petting Zoo and and chocolate and puppies and I would just reach out Moon for the first time if the Moon Landing wasn’t the Pony Rides my god I would just have so much and experience it all. I think that dream could be worth faked and all the aliens are replaced by talented people money I would buy him a golden saddle to ride the actualizing. Either that or go back to the sixties and get and ponies. The lasers stay the same. Also, everyone damn thing on. Tom is a huge comedy buff so he has all these amazing rock and roll bands to play in a field in can hear you scream. worked really hard to bring some of the coolest local, Woo... wait... shit. national and international comedy to Verge. Host of Is there anything in the festival for the cheapskates T: ALL PONIES ALL THE TIME ALL PONIES ALL THE TIME. among us? Canadian-Idol what?

H: This is a student festival directed by two students; of Why do you think the USU throws open its arms course there is free stuff. We have a free daily screening and piggy bank to a stage a creative arts festival every year?

THE KANYE WEST END ARGHYA GUPTA will let you finish. If you haven’t heard of the upcoming Kanye: The play. I spoke to Roser (or Rose, Rosser, or Rosen, as had more than 800 people attending, and with Musical that will hit the very shores of Science Rd different publications have put it) and he assured the page being linked to all those major websites, next week, you have been living under a rock or not me it won’t exactly be that, but it will be close, via it wouldn’t be a surprise if it hits a few thousand Googling Kanye: The Musical four times an hour. I the most ambiguous soundbites ever. by opening night. There have been requests by know I have. reputable American websites to stream it or at least “All the attention we’re getting is great, but so far, have it filmed professionally and put up on the This thing has gone off the hook. The brainchild people only really know the title of the show,” says internet. Whatever does happen, at the end of the of Phil Roser and Damien Higginbotham is going Roser, trying to keeping it under [w]raps, but letting day, it will be treated like a SUDS production: first to be a one-hour Yeezy-fest with original songs, out a sneak[er] peek. “We’ll be rapping like there’s come first serve, $3/4/5/6 tickets, and extremely and the ‘real deal’, as opposed to a joke, featuring no tomorrow, with the aim to put on an entertaining limited capacity at the Cellar. So line up next week aspects of Kanye’s life from his education to his show that people will come and see.” at Holme and see Mr West like you’ve not seen him mother. Or so I read on MTV, NME, Perez Hilton’s before, because you’re in Sydney and you can, while blog, The Huffington Post, the LA Times, and @ But Roser hasn’t decided on responding to the speculation by changing the format of the show. “I those in America are gagging for it. But for now, do xxBieber_4_mexx’s Twitter feed. That’s right. The your part. world’s biggest authorities have latched onto what wrote this as a Cellar show and that’s where it will is feasibly a revue title discard, each one quoting the stay.” But that’s only looking one week ahead. “If “[We’re just going to have] a gay old time.” But Facebook event page and some words Roser gave to it was to be taken to other venues, it would be re- there might be bigger things on the horizon, or so the LA Times blog, in a different order - all prepping written to suit the new venue.” Roser thinks. “I’d love to talk to Kanye about [the it up to be something along the lines of a Broadway The Facebook event page for it at the time of writing musical]. That would be excellent.” 14 Kanye: The Musical runs 5 - 7 September in The Wine Cellar (Cellar Theatre) 6PM $3 Access $5 General P

for societies to get together and talk to each QUEER SAFARI-IN’ other about ideas of what events and services to run.” was initially themed ‘It’s a jungle out there, JAMES O’DOHERTY only come and explore.’” The entertainment for the night, queer band spells it par-tay. Patrick and the Deep End was also chosen to fit There was also inspiration for using the Cellar with the theme. “Patrick’s a pretty extravagant Theatre as a venue. “I think it’s interesting to Readily nick-nameable, red-headed and self dude, and I think it’s just a cool idea to have a see that space used in that way. It’ll be a cool confessed “big gay deal,” Jack Freestone is band there.” bringing a whole ark-load of fun to the Cellar layout of people spilling out onto the lawn of Theatre during the Verge Festival. On the 8th the Holme building, as well. It’s just a cool idea Along with the zoological fun of the Queer of September, the tiny theatre will forego the to hold a big party in the Cellar Theatre, which Safari, SHADES is organizing other queer events latest SUDS production for a Queer Safari, hasn’t been done before in my undergraduate for Pride Week to coincide with VERGE. At the celebrating Pride Week. Freestone (‘the career.” SHADES Pride Week Speaker Night, prominent Freestone,’ ‘Free Stone,’ ‘J-Bomb’) is organizing people in the GLBTIQ community will present As part of Pride Week on campus, the Queer a Pride Week party with drink tokens, a series of speeches on queer issues. Among Safari will be celebrating queer culture. “Pride performances by Patrick and the Deep End the list is Monique Schafter from Hungry Beast, week is something organized by the SRC and and Mr Smithers, and a whole lot of people, Executive Director of the Australian Youth the Union, it’s one week that can happen any dressed in animal costumes and expected to be Affairs Andrew Cumming, and first time in the year,” Freestone says. “A lot of bursting out of the 80-capacity theatre. openly gay Australian radio newsreader Geoff workshops are run; there are workshops about Field. Where did the safari and animal themes sexuality, about safe sex and whatnot.” But it’s come from? “I guess the idea was essentially not all serious and formal. “There’s speeches So get in touch with your inner beast, dig out the people in the Queer committee who’s by noted people, and there’ll also be some your best animal costume, and get down and organizing Pride Week,” says Freestone. “It ties casual, picnic-like activities. Essentially it’s a join the pack at the Queer Safari.

in with the theme of Pride Week, and VERGE social week for queer issues on campus. It’s the arts bit Don your best safari gear fot the Queer Pride Week Party in the Wine Cellar (under Holme Building) on Thursday 8 September. It’s FREE y’all.

Definitely Queensland. Queensland is the butt of Australia’s jokes. It pretty much goes Tasmania – Adelaide – Queensland, just because people don’t cherry BOMBING Did your experience at go to them very often. is a whole other story. school lead into comedy – Nobody knows anything about Perth. You can’t make WITH MATT OKINE were you a class clown? fun of mining. It’s as empty as the…hole….you build to…find stuff. At primary school yeah, I NICK KRAEGEN dares to giggle. was, and then when I was So you’re saying Queensland’s reputation as a thirteen my mum died, hick, racist, uninformed, bigoted cultural void is and at high school I was Matt Okine broke into comedy with a spot in Triple undeserved? basically just a dickhead. J’s National Final when he was just 18 Just a little bit of a try-hard. years old. Seven years later he’s done festivals, solo Ah, geez, ease up on it! No I reckon it’s totally

shows, DJing, MCing, and made it onto TV both undeserved. I don’t like doing location jokes, just What try-hard movement were you part of? here and in the United States, all while remaining because if you’re making fun of a certain location,

an enormous, beautiful example of a human. He’s then you go to that location, they’ve got a place Basically a jock. Let’s put it out there, just one of performing at Verge and agreed to give Honi some that they make fun of, and then it goes down the those wankers. of his valuable time. line until somewhere, in some place, there’s this shit house on the shit street in the shittest town of You started at comedy young and successfully. Are Flush any nerds? the shittest state of the shittest country in this shitty you concerned that, unlike other , you world, and the person living there thinks everyone didn’t fail at a legitimate career first? Yeah, put cherry bombs down their pants. No, I else in the whole world is absolutely shithouse. didn’t. I was really into sports and just a bit of a No, not really. The whole process of becoming a dick. Sport was my world and trying to pick up girls Fair. What can people expect from a Matt Okine gig? is basically failing at everything along and getting into fights on the weekends and just the way. Failing opportunities, auditions, jokes. parties and bullshit. Just fun. A lot of ideas, and a different way of looking Everything. That’s one of the things about a at the world. I pick apart small things and look at comedian; they’re good at turning failure into You recently fled Queensland to take refuge in them in a different way. I’d like to think that when something funny, at least. NSW. What state is better to make fun of? I start to bring it to life people think, ‘yeah, that is what it’s like.’ Matt Okine joins Greg Fleet, Jon Dore, Michael Hing and at Manning Bar to MC The Best Damn Comedy Show Ever, Thursday 8 September 7pm, $10 Access $15 General

OLIVIA SATCHELL brings all BIG THEATRE NAMES AHOY the theatre to the yard. Breaking theatre boundaries other than with more than one member declaring they is open to anyone interested in what the fourth wall is Blank Space; an initiative were quitting law for theatre – encouraged it is that defines us in theatre, which is introduced this year to light a fire under us to look for a way to reach the broader the reflection of our lives – and whether the giant pants of the collective SUDS community on a similar principle. Structured this even matters. There are going to membership. As SUDS President, I introduced as a series of talks held intermittently be passionate, heated debates, possibly Blank Space as a way of bridging the gap throughout the university calendar, Verge will some tears, plenty of laughter, and between professional theatre makers in play host to a panel of prolific playmakers hopefully more questions asked than Sydney, and those looking for advice and for a special Blank Space. The five leading answered. We want you to be there to inspiration from those that know the real artists invited to battle it out over ‘What Is listen to these rad speakers, so come nitty gritty of the industry. The success of Uniquely Australian About Our Theatre?’ are over to the Verge tent to argue for what the initiative in first semester of this year – Tom Wright, Sam Strong, Suzie Miller, Anthea you believe in. Williams and Hilary Bell. The afternoon session

Check out Blank Space in the Verge Tent at 1pm on Thursday 1 September, for zero dow-lah.

We’ve only skimmed the surface of Verge here, nab a program fromwww.vergefestival.com. Manning or head to the website: 15 into a dark satirical comedy, director Victor Kalka chose to stick close to Shakespeare’s vision – which I believe S was the braver thing to do. The play was performed cohesively and was understandable through-and- through. And this mindset allowed the actors to ‘sell the tragedy’ to the audience; appropriate gasps and The Stage cringes were heard throughout the play during emotive scenes. IN DA Kalka employed poetic license to add subtle accents to the play: Chiron and Demetrius singing Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance during the rape scene, the Clown singing TITUS Amore by Dean Martin, or Lavinia’s death by lethal HOOD: injection. From a technical perspective, the lighting, at SUDS props and soundscape were appropriately minimal, PARIS SYMONNE TORPEY went to Paris, we think. SHAMI SIVASUBRAMANIAN is covered letting the actors do their job superbly. The Cellar Theatre was transformed to include a raised-level in SUDS blood. Theatre killer! stage, adding a professional finish to the production. I have come to the early realisation that Paris However the standout in prop design was the liberal is not the city of lights, but the city of men. Humanity has loved and hated Titus Andronicus. After it use of no less than two different kinds of fake blood. The streets crawl with both fine specimens of first exploded on to the stage in the late sixteenth century the race and skew-whiff tripod-like creatures, its popularity waned and wavered. Audiences found Unconventionally, large portions of many character relentlessly parading through the streets with the blood-filled tragedy too intense and the plotline too monologues and group scenes were spoken facing their cocks to the sky. In the former category, I ridiculous. It was only towards the end of the last century away from the audience. This may have been a have thankfully had the pleasure of making the that Titus returned to the repertoires of major theatre conscious decision on the director’s part, but the acquaintance of many. No one need be lonely in companies. Why the return to favour? Why does it work actors’ diction was severely compromised. Paris. Coquettish games are played out in Place Vendome, eyelashes are fluttered dramatically now? In our day and age, the word ‘ridiculous’ hardly This is entertaining, well-performed classical theatre. over vino, and there is even something about holds the same connotation as it did back in the day. The For the best experience, sit in the front row – unless of the banks. Here, they are dispatchers of golden idea of gore and death no longer flails our desensitised course you’d rather not be splattered with blood by the tinted euros rather than purveyors of emaciated society. Modern television plotlines have trained us to end of the show. understand long-winded, vengeful schemes. Modern student accounts (wrapped in long lines and reception differs starkly from the past. Wednesday 31st August, 6pm serenity genocide). With the SUDS production of Titus, instead of choosing to Cellar Theatre, $2/$3/$4/$5 The lustre of the city is bolstered by my own embrace the seemingly obvious route of turning the play narcissism. Outfits are changed at midday; the afternoon becomes detached from its morning as it runs with the reckless abandon of a new time and a just-born character. This is indeed the What’s New in Music? key to the city of men, which drives its temporary residents wild with heady, opiatic potential. MICHAEL RICHARDSON Controller? I hardly know ‘er! In the morning, I wear a knee-length spectator dress and I am a 1950s housewife sore-thumbing Well, that depends. is suitably catchy; every level has its own tailored along the hyperbolically contemporary Champs pastiche, and is bursting with musical tropes. The Élysée. The afternoon is filled with the whispers is a microcosm of the rest of Western soundtrack is a standout, full of whipcracks, of “is she Gaga?” and the jingle jangle of mini the industry right now. The game market is awash choirs, trumpets, grunge guitar, whistlin’, finger-pickin’, Eiffel Tower key chains. The effect is immediate with entries from all sorts of backgrounds – indies, and so on. blockbusters, AAAs and ZZZs. This also means that and utterly pleasing. The 1950s housewife there’s an eclectic spectrum of soundtracks out there, So what exactly is the soundtrack doing here? Is it attracts a slightly older, charming fruit seller from university students with a couple of synths in reflecting the game’s anthologised structure? Is it for a tour of Monmatre in comfortable quiet, their bedrooms to Hans Zimmer’s recent forays into sending it up? Is it changing how we view the game? punctuated by attempts to speak more French buying a solid gold helicopter after scoring Modern All of the above? For that matter, how do we classify it than I ever achieved back home. Gaga and her Warfare 2 and . Lord, he must be rolling in it. beyond ‘soundtrack’ when it switches styles every five minutes? black sunglasses draw a mix of awe from passers by, and silent terror as parents pull their snotty The thing that makes VG soundtracks difficult to Don’t ask me, I’m just a video gamer! It’s all I do! I love killing! broods closer. Conservative bosoms heave with discuss is that their function is often enigmatic, and What I’m getting at is that the advent of modern discontent underneath too much fabric. I revel can span genres and time periods and are developed games soundtracks with the fifth generation consoles in my nakedness. I smile at some, wink at many by a school of thought not largely discussed in the (N64, PS1, and its ilk) has encouraged some incredible and raise my figurative cock to the sky.

THE ARTS BIT good old Real World. To give you an idea of what I invention on the part of composers (and the designers mean, let’s look at Timesplitters 2. It’s a classic RARE I am becoming a Parisian man in the city of who have conceptualised them). I’m talking about Ben game about a time-war between humans and aliens, men. I am enjoying being wooed by them and Houge’s string quartet arrangements for Arcanum. I’m where your character jumps back in time and takes followed by them in the mornings, and in the talking Bioshock’s fusion of hubris-ridden avant-garde on a series of personas that fit that time and genre. afternoons, the metamorphosis into one of with Django Reinhardt on an old radio in a sunken, So, in 1938 Chicago, he’s a hard-drinking PI; in the them is intensely arousing. waterlogged apartment. I’m talking Christophe Heral’s Wild West, he’s a gunslinging cowgirl (the gender one-man opus for Beyond Good and Evil, which was Listen to the jingle jangle of mini Eiffel Tower key thing never comes up); and in 2019 Tokyo he’s a recorded using only samples from he and his family and rings and see the glossy skin of the unnecessarily streetwise hacker. It’s an absolutely brilliant game a phonecall to a woman in Bulgaria. handsome African salesman. Then, turn off on so many levels – not only is it a faithful, hilarious, your lights and snort up Paris like a multi- and well-written tour of pulpy genres, it’s a near- My God, it’s full of stars! personalitied motherfucking wonderman. perfect FPS and has a nearly inexhaustible multiplayer component. The soundtrack (to return to the subject)

HONI SOITORIALIST REBECCA SAFFIR is quitting the cycle for recycle.

I’m standing in front of a pair of shoes with a price about the merits of various children’s toys, mopping making you any more stylish. Caught in a cycle of buy- tag of $30. They’re not very remarkable shoes – black the floor and maybe popping next door for a healthy chuck-buy-chuck, we don’t even know what we like ballet flats made entirely from synthetic materials, helping of sushi. Tell me you don’t see a problem here. anymore – the only important thing is that it’s new. few distinguishing features, likely to fall apart in three months or less. But at thirty bucks, who cares? I have a Everywhere you walk in this city bargain fashion Which is why I’m giving it all up. New things, that is. job interview tomorrow and nothing to wear and these flashes its polyutherane-pumped wares. Everything For one whole year, from September 1, I’m not going cost about as much as I earn in an hour on Sundays at $10! T-Shirts $2! Buy 2 Get One FREE! But you have to to buy anything – anything – new. No clothes, no my retail gig, so it’s fine, right? wonder – when you’re paying less for your t-shirt than accessories, no homewares, no whitegoods, nada. for your coffee, what the hell are the people who make (I am not, however, going to take to bin-diving for Only it’s not. The comparison between the price of your t-shirt being paid? meals.) It’s all got to be second-hand, recycled, reused. these shoes and my hourly rate is a telling one. I don’t I don’t expect it to be easy and I don’t expect to single- know about you, but I don’t reckon I could produce The more information emerges about fashion’s impact handedly change the world. But I do expect it will the materials needed to make this shoe, dye them, on the planet and the poorest people on it, the less draw attention to how much stuff I (and others) would cut them, sew them (or more accurately, glue them), able I am to push uncomfortable questions like this out mindlessly purchase new when perfectly good older package them, ship them and merchandise them in an of my mind. We’re all complicit in driving the demand models already exist, and help in some small way to hour, or even two. My average Sunday at work consists for fast, cheap fashion but it is making the planet and break the demand for fashion procured at the price of 16 of folding and refolding T-shirts, chatting to customers its inhabitants sick – and I can promise you it’s not dignity. V CEntrElinK ASK ABE Q & A with students who need help and a dog who has all the answers... OvErpAymEntS: Send letters to: [email protected] Do you owe them money? Hi Abe, If Centrelink has written to inform behalf in front of the judge. you that you owe them money, you I had an absolutely shocking time last semester and failed every should take this very seriously and If you are “invited” by Centrelink subject I attempted. I have previously had an excellent record, take action immediately. to attend an interview, the SRC but had a lot of family problems last semester. Is there any way highly recommends that you do that I can have last semester wiped off my record so my bad Check that they are correct. Usually not attend. If they wish to ask marks don’t spoil my record? an overpayment will come from you questions you can offer to DS you not reporting an income. If take them in a written form and you have reported the income or respond within a week or so. You if they have made a mistake by can consult an SRC caseworker to Dear DS, themselves, that is, without you compose your answers. If you had a serious illness or misadventure (your family problems giving them any false information or may be described as this) that was out of your control, became withholding required information, Most of all, remember that worse after the DNF deadline (see the Uni’s list of important dates) you may have a case to have Centrelink Overpayments are a very and it seriously effected your ability to study, you can appeal to your the debt withdrawn. Check this serious issue and should be treated faculty to request if they can change the relevant fails or absent fails thoroughly with the help of a as such. Ignoring them will not to DNF (Discontinue not to count as fail) grades. You will need to caseworker. make them go away. be able to explain how your illness or misadventure affected your If you do owe the money try to Contact SRC Help: study – for example, did it affect particular assessments and how? pay the whole debt as quickly as Appointments: Naturally you will need to have documentation to show that you possible. If you cannot pay it in Phone: 9660 5222 really did have these problems. This could be a letter from a doctor one lump sum, consider making 2 email: [email protected] or counsellor, a community leader or someone else who knows or 3 payments. You may have to about the issues your family have been dealing with. Drop-ins: (no appointment needed) borrow the money from elsewhere You may also consider talking to an SRC caseworker about having Tuesdays & Thursdays 1pm-3pm (parents, university, bank). your HECS/fees refunded. The deadline for applying for a fee refund Level 1 Wentworth Building However, if Centrelink decides that if you are a local students is 12 months, but it’s so easy to forget that they want to prosecute you for Satellite Campuses: you’d be better off dealing with that straight away too. Fee refunds fraud having the debt paid will act Phone: 0466 169 664 for international students are not as straight forward as they are for as a show of good faith on your local students so come and have a chat to SRC HELP. Abe.

The Students’ Representative Council (SRC) Legal Service has a solicitor on campus to provide free legal advice, representation in court and referral to undergraduate students at Sydney University.

We can assist you with: Appointments • Family law (advice only) • Consumer complaints Phone the SRC Office to make an appointment 9660 5222 • Criminal law • Victims compensation Drop-in sessions Tuesdays & Thursdays 1pm-3pm (no need for an appointment) • Traffic offences • Discrimination and harassment • Tenancy law Location • Insurance law Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney • Administrative law (government etc) • Domestic violence Level 1 Wentworth Bldg, Uni of Sydney • Employment law • Immigration advice (one session only) 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au • Credit & debt • University complaints ACN 146 653 143 • Other general complaints Note: The solicitor cannot advise on immigration law but can refer you to migration agents and community centres. For Family The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Law and Property Relationships Act matters we can refer you to solicitors who charge at a fair rate.

BIG Savings when you buy your course books with us! • We have textbooks for most Sydney Uni Courses Cheap • We buy & sell textbooks Secondhand according to demand • You can sell your books on consignment. Please phone us before bringing in your books. NEW Location! • We are open to USYD students Level 4, Wentworth Building & the public SRC HELP (Next to the International Lounge) BOOKS Hours: Mon to Fri 9am - 4.30pm Search for text books online Phone: (02) 9660 4756 on campus now! www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Email: [email protected] Current second-hand text books on sale now! Call 02 9660 4756 to check www.src.usyd.edu.au availability and reserve a book. 17 V Donherra Walmsley [email protected] PRESIDENT’S REPORT twitter: @srcpresident

Welcome to week 6! Time has At the University of Sydney, we either in person or online. The certainly flown past this semester. have seen a consistently increasing Community Services and Disability With mid-semester exams and proportion of the student body taking Ministers Conference, at which we assessments in full swing, remember part in and voting in the elections, a fact intended to present the petitions, has that the SRC is here to help if you which is very encouraging considering now been pushed back until October need assistance applying for special that most other student organisations (most likely) from what was originally consideration, appealing a mark, or have seen a decline. As I have said a late August date. Whilst it’s annoying otherwise navigating the hideously regarding all the other elections that we’ll have to wait a bit longer complex beast that is the University currently occurring (Senate and Faculty to hear about the outcome of the bureaucracy. Board, for some faculties), making an conference and what will be done on the informed decision and taking the time issue of transport concessions, it also On Saturday, universities around the to vote on polling days (20th-22nd means that if you haven’t yet signed the state held their open days, which of September) is really not a big time petition, you haven’t missed out! Sign it provide an opportunity for high school commitment for you, but it does have online at http://www.gopetition.com/ students to assess the options offered the potential to make a huge difference petitions/a-national-student-concession- by each university before making their to the quality of student representation card.html. I will keep you updated on the UAC course applications. The SRC on your campus, so please do get situation as I obtain further information. had a stall at Open Day and we were involved! able to talk to a lot of prospective Ancillary fees students about the work that we do. **Election protip – if you don’t want Over the last few weeks, the SRC has Understandably, some of the major to be hassled on polling day, grab a been running a campaign around illegal attractions of the University of Sydney shirt off one of the campaigns (ideally course costs (also known as ancillary for many students are the vibrant one you’ve researched and the policies fees). For more information around what campus life and active student-run of which you agree with) and wear it constitutes an illegal course cost, check ‘Engaged Enquiry’ learning experiences organisations. Speaking of which, around. No one hassles people wearing out my report from a couple of weeks – the classes which challenged you to one of the biggest events on the SRC a campaign shirt to vote. Also just take ago (though it can be summarised as think and ask questions or to solve real calendar is coming up – the annual the time to vote. Democracy is super anything that is necessary for you to world challenges. In 100 words or less elections. fun. ** pass your course that costs you money tell us about the learning experience in addition to your tuition fees – i.e. – from your course that stands out as Next week, in place of the regular SSAF HECS). If you’d like to get involved in the the most ‘engaging’ and be in the (excellent) Honi, will be the election Last week I mentioned that the campaign, or know of an illegal course running to win one of 15 prizes of a edition of Honi, with all of the Student Services and Amenities Fee cost in your unit of study, department, $50 prepaid debit card.” I encourage candidates’ policies outlined. The was supposed to be going to the floor or faculty, send me an email! anyone interested to participate in this positions of President (one to be of Parliament to be voted on, and competition – primarily because this is elected), Councillor (33 to be elected), promised that I’d keep you updated Engaged Enquiry an opportunity for you to have your say delegate to the National Union of on developments. Currently, the The University, through the Institute on what you think there should be more Students (7 to be elected), and editors only development is that Parliament of Teaching and Learning, are running of in terms of teaching at the University. of Honi Soit (one team of ten to be didn’t get around to discussing it, an event called the Sydney Teaching elected) are all up for grabs. These are but apparently it is at the top of the Colloquium on the 20th and 21st of The organisers are also looking for the students who will be working to agenda for the two sitting weeks of September. The idea behind this is to students to assist with the running of represent you throughout the term of mid-September, and the Government improve the teaching (and learning) at the Colloquium. If you’re interested, hit the 84th Council, which commences believes that it will be voted on in time Sydney through sharing examples of me up via email, or on twitter. on the 1st of December this year, and for it to be implemented for Semester best practice and engaging in discussions I’d really encourage everyone to pick One 2012. around what makes for quality teaching. Best of luck with your exams and up a copy of election Honi, read the As part of the Colloquium, there is a assessments! policies, have a chat to the candidates, Fair Fares competition being run. The terms of and most importantly vote in the Thanks to everyone who has taken the the competition are as follows: “we are elections. time to sign the Fair Fares petition, looking for student descriptions of great

Pride week - Brought to you by the SRC Queer Officers

It’s Nathan here bringing you our 1pm: Sexually & Gender Diverse Picnic (#1) everyone to get to know everyone and everything! Also please, no touching. calendar for PRIDE WEEK!: This one is in Park and it’s for ask all the questions you really wanted to Friday 9 September *All the autonomous (queer all sexually and gender diverse people ask but you never had the opportunity to. 9am: Queer Breakfast identifying only) events are asterisked. and their friends/admirers. Come along And then WE WILL CHALK EASTERN To end it all, let’s have the best meal Monday 5 September because we will have sandwiches, gluten AVENUE RAINBOW! Chalk with us and of the day (it’s the best meal because 1pm: Queer Sports! free and vegan and all that too (and maybe even write a message or two to it’s the only one where I can eat bacon normal sandwiches for me as well). May celebrate diversity on our campus! Yay! without feeling guilty about it). We’ll Come kick a ball and throw around contain traces of nuts. And soy. a Frisbee on the lawns opposite 2pm: Drag Workshop – your sexy sexy have some breakfast together in the the Library! The weather is getting 6:30pm-9:30pm: Shades Speakers! NUS Queer Officer (Liv Hopkins) is going Queerspace. I’ll see if I can arrange warmer so put on your sexiest pair Confirmed speakers include: to run a drag workshop. Is she any good some cereal and milk for us. Gluten free, you ask? My answer is “she made me vegan yada yada etc. of shorts and I’ll see you there! No Andrew Cumming (Executive Director, registration required, just turn up and question my sexuality on so many levels” 11am: Scavenger Hunt! Australian Youth Affairs Coalition) – so I think that is a big YES. say hi! Ok, so like, Shades last year did a Geoff Field (2DayFM and first openly gay Thursday 8 September *6pm: Coming Out by Candlelight newsreader on Australian radio) gaymazing race. It was so gaymazing 1pm: Another picnic! we’re going to gayamaze you away by One of the most moving event, Monique Schafter (Presenter on ABC’s you get to share your stories and On the lawns outside the law building doing a scavenger hunt with chocolate It Hungry Beast, Social Media Jockey for again. Clearly I love to eat. Gluten free, will be so wonderful and I, Nathan, will listen to other people’s coming out Channel Ten’s ‘Can of Worms’) experiences. We’ll have some food vegan options available, do not operate be grand adjudicator. You will know I am src beforehand (at 6pm) and I’ll arrange We’ll let you know more about the venue heavy machinery etc. the grand adjudicator because I will be for some meat and non-meat items. closer to the date! 7pm: PARTY! wearing a fancy hat. Also there will be prizes. Gluten free sausages and vegan stuff. Wednesday 7 September In the Cellar Theatre, NO COVER Tuesday 6 September 1pm: Picnic (#2) YAAAAAY! Safari theme, so bring your Follow us on Twitter (@usydqueer) for any additions or changes to the 12pm: Speaker – Sen Raj We’re going to have a fun picnic sexiest outfit and lets go on the hunt grr/ programme! Sen from the Gay and Lesbian Rights event with baked goods. Bring some woof/roar. Lobby will come and give you a little sandwiches and a newspaper because 11pm: Queerspace evening hang out! With Sugar and Spice and CHEMICAL chat about what they do and some of I don’t want your bum to get wet when xoxo, Nathan Li you sit on our beautiful lawns outside the After our party lets retire into the the topical issues surrounding queer Queerspace. Bring a blanket and stuff! (Call/Text if you get lost: 0433495818) rights. There’ll be plenty of time for law building. We’ll have our potentially non-autonomous collective meeting Let’s chat and gossip like it’s high school questions and maybe some chips I again! And there’ll be make overs and 18 think. outside and it’s a great chance for V Tim Matthews and Al Cameron EDUCATION OFFICER REPORT [email protected]

In defence of the Bachelor of Arts* right??) can sometimes go awry. The SRC (no small part osmosis) that wealth sees a lot of people who find themselves of knowledge will transfer onto a new While working on an SRC stall at last up the proverbial creek when, come generation. Vocational degrees serve weekend’s University Open Day we third year, they haven’t fulfilled certain a different purpose. That is not to say learnt three things: that our University prerequisites, or jumped through the that it is necessarily less valuable, but has cheerleaders (who knew?), that our ring of fire required by BPESS. (Speaking that it is certainly distinct. It is laudable University has invested what looks like as two people currently in this position, that some people wish to dedicate a great deal in oversize Perspex cubes trust us – it sucks). It’s hard to get a BA themselves to accountancy or other to match its rebrand (who cares?) and wrong. more specific areas of study (heaven that nobody seems to have very high knows we could never do it!), but the regard for our humble B.A.s (who is Secondly, and on a more philosophical philosophy of University education is surprised?). So, because we like nothing level, University is about learning stuff. somewhat broader. more than arguing with children, we Some interesting, even less of it useful, wanted to defend our degree – but all of it stuff that isn’t available So, we’ll take our generalist degree, anywhere else. And that isn’t just so with all our accumulated knowledge- Firstly, overly vocational or specific because of our University’s penchant for stuffs. Being employable is overrated degrees are frequently incredibly Oxbridge aspirationalism. As a societal anyway. limiting. To people who don’t know institution, we have Universities to bring exactly where they want to be in three together in one place a group of people * We’re also happy to defend the BSci, years a choice made because ‘BPESS’ dedicated to thinking in abstraction or and any other degree that knows what or ‘BIGS’ have more letters than ‘BA’ experimenting with the unknown, in University is for! (and are thus obviously more valuable, the hope that through some process

Chad Sidler GENERAL SECRETARY’S report [email protected] Nominations closed last week for capped at $2000. This should ensure all It is interesting to note that two of the the Four SRC Elections that will competitors who wish to edit Honi Soit five presidential candidates are members be simultaneously occurring in have a fair chance. of the University of Sydney Conservative September. These are to elect: the SRC club, two of the five are members of the President, 7 Delegates to the NUS, 33 Our next SRC meeting is scheduled for Liberal Club, two of the five are members Representatives and the 10 Editors of Wednesday 7th September. This will of the Labor party and two of the five are Honi Soit. finally allow the council the opportunity members of the greens on campus. That is to vote on Fair Trade Collective and a lot of two’s... As I mentioned in my last report, the Closed Campus proposals. As I wrote last SRC has undertaken electoral reform week I am yet to have anyone seriously over the past 12 months. We hope put the case for closed campus. This that this will give you, the students, doesn’t include personal attacks and confidence in the democratic process. hiding behind anonymity. At this rate I believe the council will embrace the More importantly this will provide for a formation of a Fair Trade Collective and “fair” Honi Soit election race as tickets will continue to retain a prosperous and are now capped at $2000 expenditure. open campus policy. This is in contrast to before where Honi Chad (L-R) Tickets that had individual cap of $600 Next week, I believe it will be the could be combined with representative election edition of Honi Soit. It will tickets to form gigantic caps. In previous provide you with all the information years this has facilitated $10,000 you need to know about the candidates campaigns. This year however this running. I highly recommend you have a process has been outlawed. Honi read and focus not just on what people Tickets may still run representative plan to do but what they have already tickets but their expenditure is still done.

Jaya Keaney WOMENS OFFICER REPORT [email protected]

Week Four saw the launch of the new influence gendered experience such as Another inclusive, interactive project We are also organizing a feminist film Feminist Discussion Group organised class and race, affirmative action policies currently being planned is a zine series. night in order to broaden out the by the Women’s Collective. We kicked and the alienation many young people The Women’s Department is planning to scope of feminist activity on campus off with an exciting and varied panel of feel from feminism today. compile a number of zines on different to interrogations of contemporary speakers: Raewyn Connell, a Professor feminist themes, such as ‘Bodies’, pop culture, so stay tuned. from Usyd and the author of much We’re very excited about the ‘Sexuality’ and ‘Safety’. Sourcing open feminist work including the influential potential for this group to incite some contributions from a range of different The Women’s Collective meets book Masculinities, anti-rape activist controversial discussion around a wide people, these zines will provide a on Wednesdays at 1pm in the and journalist Nina Funnell, academic, range of topics, and to provide another platform for feminists to collaborate and Holme Women’s Room, and are author and media commentator Jane point of access to feminist ideas and speak out directly on issues relevant to always looking for new recruits. Caro, actor and Greens Councillor Alan politics for Usyd students. This week’s their lives. Through such publications You can also contact us at discussion topic is Sexual Ethics. We will [email protected],

Cinis and writer, blogger and ACON we aim to encourage a DIY ethos of src Officer Shinen Wong. discuss issues such as consent, sex work empowerment and reclaiming creative and on our facebook group ‘Usyd and pornography in relation to concerns expression for women on campus. Women’s Collective 2011’. We discussed gender and the feminist of female sexual empowerment and Work will begin on these zines over movement today, exploring diverse feminist ideas. We meet every Monday the next few weeks, with a launch to topics such as autonomy and the notion at 6pm in the Refectory, inside the be held towards the end of Semester. of ‘men’s spaces’, creating safe spaces Quadrangle. Please contact us if you are interested in for women, intersectional issues that contributing! 19 D CRYPToNOMiCON ACROSS! DOWN! CRYPTICCROSSLYRICS 8. Belligerent 1001 set fire to worker (8) 1. Real pain revealed by flyer (8) 9. American to take extreme ends (6) 2. Head bugs on empty nights (4) 10. Some of my vespa seems full of 3. Reverse mint strategy? (6) bubbles? (4) 4. Carelessly bites at what the heart 11. Bananas rate the first dessert (5) does (2,5) 12. Looker’s in there, yes? 5. Stop me amidst daybreak of 13. Biro’s introduction of words with Orwellian world (8) weak-strong metre? (6) 6. Bury Astaire outside grave, finally 15. Cock’s measurement dances mildly obstructed (10) (4,4) 7. Calm point regarding direction (6) 16. Counteracts Bill after extreme noise 14. 20-Down is to be outrageously late. (7) Shit! (10) 18. Young One in papa spice (7) 17. The genie broke the last hole (8) DR CANCER DECLARED (BENIGN) 21. Equivalent to buttsex and love with 19. Smarties with no boundaries, say? some guests (8) (8) 23. Katter embraces a DJ - a poor way 20. Adjusted belt, tie... leave it alone! MAYORSusannah Biscuit OF GARTER GLADES to earn a living (3,3) (3,2,2) Journalism - with a crunch! 24. Liquid as odd contraception 22. First use sodium before sea sickness methods (4) (6) In an unprecedented landslide victory, 25. Dance, Oliver! (5) 23. Worst Shakespearean ass-head (6) Doctor Cancer has triumphed against 26. Lame mix of food (4) 26. Emu chooses hidden majority (4) Alderman Hope in the 2011 mayoral 27. Put new wheels on and give up? (6) election (brought to and from you by 28. Cool crib, messy veggie (8) Absorba Corp). In his inaugural address, broadcast from Ziggurat 2 last night, Mayor-elect Cancer had this to say: “There are obviously a number of people JIM FISHWICK is words. I’d like to thank - firstly, my mother and father for donating their necrotic biomass in order to facillitate my spawning. I’d also like to thank the staff of Ziggurat 3 for answering any enquiries about my supposed funding fiasco - you’re doing a PSEUDOKU incineratingly good job, guys!” At which point he winked loudly at the voluntarily TARGET assembled audience. He reserved his biggest praise, however, L N C for Absorba Corp. “Most importantly, I’d like to thank Absorba Corp, under whose benevolent, vigilant and leathery wing the O R N good town of Garter Glades continues to thrive - producing more blindly obedient RATING: and ever-more surprising lifeforms. Heck, A U T I’d even call some of those lifeforms ROADWORTHY ‘people’!” When asked what he thought was the backbone of his incredible success, he restated his policies and his undying commitment to honesty. “The public have spoken, and they have spoken overwhemingly in favour of drink driving. MYSTERIOUS CLOCK COUNTING DOWN; CITIZENS CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC James Breeches Most underweared reporter in town

COMIC Garter Glades residents have admitted to being “warily enthusiastic” about the Countdown Clock that appeared mysteriously on the Town Hall spire overnight. Ten “The ominously ticking neon red numbers are...terrifyingly reassuring” fun local resident Margaret Northman told Nine The Tattler, as she gazed, transfixed, at the Clock. “We’ve no idea what it’s counting down to,” added Sidney Turner, everyone’s favourite tannery Eight worker. “We thought it was New Year, but it’s August and it’s counting down hours, not days or months. Beyond that...we’re stumped.” Citizens have been readying their Alessandro TuniZ balloons and streamers Seven and 20 also their gas masks, in optimistic The Garter Glades Tattler

WE TAKE THE ‘U’ OUT OF CONTROL A message from... Harry ‘Big Oil’ B-goyle DR CANCER DECLARED (BENIGN) Spokesperson and your perpetual neighbour! SusannahMAYOR Biscuit OF GARTER GLADES Journalism - with a crunch! Absorba Corp has been bringing in some changes to Garter Glades. Big changes! World- In an unprecedented landslide victory, shattering changes! Literally brain-melting Doctor Cancer has triumphed against changes! And our comfortable, content and Alderman Hope in the 2011 mayoral humble townsfolk couldn’t be happier! Just hear election (brought to and from you by these testimonials! Absorba Corp). In his inaugural address, broadcast from Ziggurat 2 last night, “They added an indeterminate cocktail of Mayor-elect Cancer had this to say: chemicals to my corn crops!” admitted Barbara Wright, corn farmer, completely of her own “There are obviously a number of people accord. “My corn has been growing black! With I’d like to thank - firstly, my mother and arms! Hooray!” She’s genuinely happy, if her father for donating their necrotic biomass gleeful grimace is anything to go by! in order to facillitate my spawning. I’d also like to thank the staff of Ziggurat 3 Don’t just take her word for it! Listen to what for answering any enquiries about my James “Jimmy” Woodstock has to say about our supposed funding fiasco - you’re doing a newly-rationed water: “The skull and crossbones incineratingly good job, guys!” At which on the bottle add a bit of cheeky pirate fun!” But point he winked loudly at the voluntarily how does it taste, Jimmy? assembled audience. “Like compliance and servility! Yum-O!” He reserved his biggest praise, however, Landslide win for Cancer M.D.! That’s right! We at Absorba Corp have done for Absorba Corp. “Most importantly, I’d everything we can to make life simpler for our like to thank Absorba Corp, under whose My slogan of Gettin’ Drunk, Drivin’ “As for those perfidious corn crops - loyal populace. Why, ask Tabitha Smith about benevolent, vigilant and leathery wing the Home! is the most popular four words let’s just say they’re going to become our new “Youth-in-a-Box!” Initiative! good town of Garter Glades continues to in Garter Glades’ long and illustrious a lot more... lively... in the future. Or thrive - producing more blindly obedient bumper-sticker history, and it’s thanks should I say unlively!” He was then “Before they took him to Ziggurat 3, my little and ever-more surprising lifeforms. Heck, to the humble DUI that I am a success heard to mutter ‘zombies’, before Tommy used to take up all of my love and I’d even call some of those lifeforms today.” He then proceeded to talk yelling, “Zombies!”. This reporter affection! Now he’s gone, I’m free to love ‘people’!” about his plans for Garter Glades. put this outburst down to the Mayor- Absorba Corp until the day I visit Ziggurat 3!” We elect’s impish sense of humour and sure hope you shed as many joyful tears then as When asked what he thought was the “I’m happy to announce the Greener sensually good looks. you did when our care workers tore Tommy from backbone of his incredible success, he Sky Initiative, in which I will turn the your insidiously corrupting embrace, Tabitha! restated his policies and his undying sky green! The smoke from Ziggurat 3 He signed off on an enigmatic note: commitment to honesty. “The public will be coloured a eye-tingling snotty- That’s all from Absorba Corp today folks! green.” He gave a brilliant smile. “It’ll “I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t have spoken, and they have spoken for the big guy upstairs — I’m explicitly Remember, if we didn’t care, we wouldn’t give overwhemingly in favour of drink driving. really shake those retinas.” He threw you armed guards! jagged confetti at the audience. referencing Absorba Corp here.” WHAT’S ON TODAY IN MYSTERIOUS CLOCK COUNTING DOWN; GARTER GLADES!! 2-5am: What’s that sonorous drone from CITIZENS CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC the Church’s basement? James Breeches Most underweared reporter in town trepidation. Jimmy Woodstock 6am: Your inspiring wakeup call from reportedly hugged his children and Ziggurat 2! assured them of his undying love Garter Glades residents have for Six them “...Just in case! I’d like 6:30am: Doctor Cancer’s inspiring daily admitted to being “warily enthusiastic” to thank the Countdown Clock for address. Dream big! Big, juicy dreams! about the Countdown Clock that reminding of my own fragile mortality 11am: It’s gas time! appeared mysteriously on the Town in a beautiful family Five moment!” Hall spire overnight. Ten 1:37pm: Pupil dilation extravangaza! Residents’ sense of apprehensive 2pm: Sit still now. Wooo! “The ominously ticking neon red excitement was Four heightened by numbers are...terrifyingly reassuring” newly elected Mayor, Dr. Cancer’s 3pm: It’s ‘Vitamin’ time! local resident Margaret Northman speech made from Ziggurat 2 this 4:30pm: Festival of Stay Away from the told Nine The Tattler, as she gazed, morning. transfixed, at the Clock. Old Mill! “The Countdown Clock is here to “We’ve no idea what it’s counting 6:30-7:30pm: Continue averting your help you,” his Three amplified voice eyes. down to,” added Sidney Turner, boomed over the city. “It is here to everyone’s favourite tannery Eight prepare you. It is your friend.” 8:30: Minute of silence for victims of 7:30. worker. “We thought it was New Year, but it’s August and it’s counting down What Two should townspeople make 8:31: Minute of silence for victims of 8:30. hours, not days or months. Beyond of this development? We here at The 12am: Just because your eyes are that...we’re stumped.” Tattler cannot say – but we just love closed, doesn’t mean you’re asleep! the warm, clinical glow One that the Citizens have been readying their Coundown Clock by night bathes the 1am: Dream Harvest! balloons and streamers Seven and Tow- 1:30am: Stop screaming. also their gas masks, in optimistic Zero 1:31am: Pillule time. BIG CHINA IN LITTLE HORSELESS CARTS IMPROVED BY ADDITION OF HORSES GARTER GLADES! Frank Crime “At this level of power, carts may Lance Boyle The horrors do not end there – it Crime is his middle; last name. hover, or indeed even fly. Attaching Finds racism, reports racism seems that Chuckles has been a silk several more horses may yield the merchant of lies and deceit, worming In recent raids overseen by his high power to create or destroy entire Residents of sleepy Garter Glades’ his way into a local household on false Zigguration himself, Dr Cancer, it planets at will! We will be gods!” Dr worst fears came true this week, when pretences. Garter Glades Greengrocer was found that Alderman Hope's Jenderking continued, wiping the local authorities confirmed that the and well-respected Republican voter followers were fleeing our oppressive horse blood from the corners of his Yellow Peril has come to our tranquil, Al Hicks gave Mr. Chuckles to his gassings and syringe-wielding non- mouth. racially homogenous town. A spate of daughter Susie as an eighth birthday zombie Absorba Corp employees sightings over the last two weeks have present. with the use of modified horseless Due to the evident efficiency of been generating considerable panic carts. These modified horseless carts horses, Absorba Corp will also begin among wary locals, so much so that Dr “I was completely unaware of his were found, after close analysis, replacing the nuclear elements of Cancer called an emergency meeting origins – I never for a second dreamed to be moving at several hundred nuclear power plants with horses. at the town hall yesterday. I would be in Mulan’s shoes fending times the speed of regular horseless Garter Glades can look forward to off my own Mongol invasion,” Mr carts due to the addition of a horse lighting and oppressive television “We can confirm that the Orientals Hicks told The Tattler, while Susie sat to the front of the cart, where there images being provided by horses have launched a successful incursion beside him, sobbing hysterically. “We had previously been a large enough submerged in hundreds of gallon of into Garter Glades, and one of their let him into our house - he slept in my space for a horse. water. number is now among us.” Deputy daughter’s bed! Now if you’ll excuse Sheriff Name said, in a statement at me, I’ve got me a dog to shoot.” Mr This new method of propelling the meeting. “They are here. This is Hicks then terminated the interview horseless carts has been deemed real.” prematurely by marching outside, “horse power” by Absorba Corp scientists. Horse power will be used When questioned further, the Deputy armed with his shotgun. as the predominant source of power Sheriff revealed that the individual in In the face of this crisis, townspeople for all Absorba Corp horseless question has been going under the are advised to be on their guard at carts, replacing nuclear power, alias ‘Mr. Chuckles’ and is a Pekingese all times, not to let their daughters which previously was simply heavily dog. out of the house and to stock up on radiating its drivers and their corn “While he may not be a bona-fide ammunition. In addition, there will be cargo, and not forcing them into a Ching Chong Chinaman, or even another emergency meeting at the state of corn-wielding undeath. human, the fact remains that he is of Town Hall next Monday. It is theorised that multiple horses Chinese origin, and it is feared that his The Tattler is also currently looking into may be attached to a cart to increase presence will open the floodgates for the implications of rumoured sightings the speed. “Additional horses may be an influx of his more dangerous human of a Mexican Hairless Cat. attached to the front, back, wheels and meta-human counterparts,” the and passengers of horseless carts Deputy Sheriff told the meeting. “We’re to increase the horse power a dozen thinking that Chuckles as a scout for fold!” cackled Dr Raoul Jenderking, the impending invasion.” brother of cornly departed Deputy “I’m not a horse, but I do Sheriff Jenderking. recommend them!” FOR AND AGAINST DOC CANCER SEZ! Life is like a box of chocolates - The proposed Garter Glades Sex-Plex. packaged and distributed by AbsorbaCorp! Daniel Fysto, for. Helen Sex, against. The Tattler’s Recipe Hovel! The Absorba Corp Sex-Plex is ready to Ever since my great-grandfather Colonel drag Garter Glades kicking and creaming Walter Sex uncovered the rich erotica into the 21st century, speeding towards mines of Swaziland my family name has the future on a slip-n-slide of bodily fluids. been besmirched and resmirched by his Naysayers have been quick to decry the horrible legacy. idea of a brothel that dwarfs our church and bigots have been quick to cry out Reproduction used to be a more honest against the five floors that are filled and more amoebic process. Man meets with dwarfs, but the march of progress woman, man dates woman, man ignores inevitable. We will overcum. woman, man produces asexually. When the doomed Colonel uncovered the mines With more holes than a swiss fromagerie, we started using our genitalia in weird the Sex-Plex brand puts the ‘orgy’ in ‘orgy- and strictly unforgiveably useless ways. nisation’ and the ‘genitalia’ in the ‘bizarre Penises should be reverted to hat racks, genitalia’. Are you morally offended by the and vaginas? Well, marsupially more human body? A pulsating, naked human useful endeavours should be pursued body borne aloft by dozens of tiny wooden once again. hands? Then stay out of Suite 34. I, Helen Sex, think the SexPlex is an To argue against the Sex-Plex is to stand abomination. Not for any moral reasons, Pictured: Dame Fiddler moments before her violent death, at our hands! against freedom! You are not protecting unless you count useless exploitation of the people you claim to protect, you are perfectly useful headwear handlers and Well, readers – you asked and But don’t start dry-retching into keeping them from the quivering, smelly pouches as morally reprehensible - which we delivered: the secret recipe for your pie just yet, folks! Local delights you wish you had for yourself. I do. Granny Fiddler’s famous apple go-to-guy on all things Gypsy You puritans may find solace in your bed- pie! She may be dead now, but Persecution, Lance Mackenzie, The adjective ‘sexy’ used to mean bound coupling and verbless fists but for the secret didn’t die with her – The confirmed that while it may be ‘forthrightness in the harvest’. Shovel those who crave more, the option must Tattler cruelly beat it out of her as bad luck when a gypsy sticks his handiness may not be sexy in the modern be there, frothing for it at the drop of an she lay on that deathbed we put fingers in your pie, it’s completely sense but very much so in the traditional eyebrow. her in! OK for you to put them in there sense. yourself. We stand against you as a solid opposition And now we can exclusively Does anyone truly believe that our small- against the tyranny of mono-boning. reveal that the three secret Phew! Am I right guys? We’re first up against the wall come the town values will survive against the big- ingredients are lovae, a cinnamon revolution and we are going to leave that city-dicks? stick and gypsy fingers! Dame Fiddler (deceased) was wall filthy and stained with our juices. The unavailable for comment. I wrote revolution will not be televised on free-to- this while laughing. air TV but streamed live on the internet through webcam subscription services. “CORN A-OK,” SAYS ABSORBA CORP CORN SPOKESMAN Craig “David” Stratton goats,” said corn farmer Barbara What in dat Singer/critic hybrid Wright, “But after I spoke and shared needles with Mr Penrose I BEARD?! The recent spate of maimings realised it was probably the early in the eastern cornfields of Garter morning fog addling my brain.” By recently acquired Glades has been attributed to “bad manscaper John Another farmer, an employee of weather and delinquent kids” by Absorba Corp who works frequently Bobface. Absorba Corp broadcaster Hank in the area, said he had heard the Penrose. rumours but “thought nothing of it.” In lieu of the recent disappearances The emergency town meeting of animals, and warm welcomed The rumours of horrific was a lively affair, despite the appearance of brainless and have been raising some eyebrows. absence of cantankerous crowd faceless animal corpses during the One young woman saw a bloodied height of the corn harvest season, I favourite Old Man Gilhooley. “Mr hand being assimilated by an seek to answer what every curious Gilhooley is probably quite safe,” faithful supporter of Dr Cancer, “unusually active” crop of corn, but citizen of Garter Glades is surely said Mr Penrose. “He’s been an a cruel overlord and a beard Mr Penrose was quick to explain. wondering. “What in dat beard?” agriculturalist all his life. I’m sure fashionista, I have been informed “Clearly Absorba Corp has this he’ll turn up wandering through a The average human beard contains what's in 'dat beard' is efficiently right on the money. Those punk corn field somewhere.” 100% more beard, and 10% other. trending towards becoming kids must be stopped! I suggest But in Garter Glades, dat beard is more cancerous, corny, undead, Residents gathered to hear the dropping the curfew entirely in most certainly 60-70% more beard, oppressed and other. If I may quote straight-talking testimony from order to remove the thrill of illegal 27% cancer, 21.5% corn and 10- Dr Cancer himself, “NO CITIZEN Absorba Corp’s media line in activity.” When asked if young 100% decrepit corn flesh. “But how CAN RESIST!” do you know John Bobface?” you response to some inquiries by the children should be encouraged But don't let that stop you from may scream as a livid corn creature sometimes-concerned audience. to play near the corn, he said choosing your own style in the chases you from your home as your coming wake of beard fashion, as “Last night I thought I saw a corn- “Absolutely.” family are regrettably consumed your brain is consumed directly from shaped man eating one of my in their beds by maize. Well, little your cranium. Perhaps visit your do you know, as your face is local Ziggurat 3 and have your beard consumed by a hellish corn creature summer styled, by having the flesh of the night, but I have some inside DOC CANCER SEZ! incinerated from your face, or visit If you can’t stand the heat, get out of information into 'field' of beards. Ziggurat 3! your local Ziggurat Two and vanish As a manscape columnist and a forever.

DOC CANCER SEZ! ZIGGURAT 3: AS GOOD You can’t spell Community Polo Team without the constituent letters ‘compliance!’ AS IT FEELS? winter homeless? This reporter William Gunderson decided to find out.” (deceased) The rest of his notebook Tattler editors pieced this together remains charred almost beyond BORED OF CORN? from the notebooks recovered recognition. We were able to The Tattler’s Recipe Hovel! from his effects. pick up a few snippets here and there: “OH GO-” “-eeding the “Here in our lofty offices at co-” and “-some kind of barbec-“ Ziggurat 1, we often look down and, finally, scrawled on the last, over the town that we call home singed page “FIRE!”. with a fond reverence. We see the streets where we grew up, While we may never know what and the streets where we will die. became of Gunderson, we think Garter Glades is really where it’s it’s safe to say that whatever at; the people are happy, the crop he discovered was so mind- yield is consistently interesting, boggilingly wonderful, that he and Dr Cancer is guiding us simply stopped existing, and we firmly to a brighter (and greener) certainly wouldn’t be eating these tomorrow. But what of the third delicious Gunderson Burgers Ziggurat that towers over our fair today if it weren’t for his brave town? Is there more to it than the efforts. You’re investigating in glow emanating from the cracks Absorba Corp in heaven now, TRY MAIZE! in the obsidian that warms our buddy.

The Garter Glades Tattler Sick of rolling with wishes to reassure the same old crews? Ciaran Magee, Maddie Parker, Sam Jenkins, James Colley, Michael Richardson, Tom JOIN da C-LICS Walker, Julian Larnach, Wit’ Me, T. Pope Laurence Rosier-Staines Ain’t nothin’ but a c-thang Your limbs will grow back. Students’ Representative Council BECOME A MEMBER! The University of Sydney Join in person at the SRC Office or SRC Bookshop (details below)

The SRC provides the following SRC Books - Big savings on textbooks on campus! services to SRC members... • Buy & sell your textbooks • Search for books online at www.src.usyd.edu.au Student Support & Advocacy Located: Wentworth Level 4 (opposite the International Lounge) • Centrelink Advice ASK US • Academic Appeals Emergency Loans • Discontinuing/Withdrawing ABOUT $50 emergency loans for students in need • Students at Risk • Show Cause Student Publications • Exclusion • Honi Soit - the SRC’s weekly newspaper • Tenancy Advice pick-up a copy available on campus • Fee Refunds • Student Handbooks: O-week, Counter Course, • Harassment & Discrimination International Students & Women’s Handbooks. • International Students • Plagiarism & misconduct Student Rights & Representation SRC Representatives are directly elected by students SRC Legal Service each year to stand up for students’ rights on campus • Referrals and in the wider community. • Minor criminal matters/traffic offences/ fines • Insurance law / employment law We are located at.. Level 1 Wentworth Building SRC • Victims of violence down Stai (under City Rd footbridge) RS • Credit & debt / consumer complaints Ph: 02 9660 5222 Student • Tenancy law www.src.usyd.edu.au Central wentworth If you are at another campus, building • Administration law (government etc) email: [email protected] • University complaints • Other general complaints The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative • Immigration advice (1 session only) support are financed by the University of Sydney.

Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Annual Election Polling Booth Times and Places 2011

Polling Wed 21st Thurs 22nd Location Sept 2011 Sept. 2011

Fisher 8:30-6:30 8:30-5:00 Pre-Polling will also Manning 10:00-4:00 10:00-4:00 be held outside Cumberland 11:00-3:00 11:00-3:00 the SRC’s Offices, SCA 12:00-2:00 No polling Level 1 Wentworth Building, on Engineering No polling 12:00-2:00 Tuesday 20th Conservatorium 12:00-2:00 No polling September from Jane Foss 8:30-6:00 8:30-6:00 10am-3pm.

Authorised by Stephen Lesslie, SRC Electoral Officer 2011. Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au