Fiona Apple Fetch the Bolt Cutters

Fiona Apple Fetch the bolt cutters

I Want You to Love Me

[Verse 1] I've waited many years Every print I left upon the track Has led me here And next year, it'll be clear This was only leading me to that And by that time, I hope that

[Chorus] You love me You love me

[Verse 2] I move with the trees in the breeze I know that time is elastic And I know when I go All my particles disband and disperse And I'll be back in the pulse And I know none of this will matter in the long run But I know a sound is still a sound around no one And while I'm in this body I want somebody to want And I want what I want and I want

[Chorus] You to love me You

[Bridge] And I know that you do In the dark, I know that you do And I know that you know that you got The potential to pick me up And I want you to use it, blast the music Bang it, bite it, bruise it Whenever you want to begin, begin We don't have to go back to where we've been I am the woman who wants you to win And I've been waiting, waiting for [Outro] You to love me, You, You, Ooh, ooh

This started as a love song to somebody I hadn’t met yet. Then I got back together with Jonathan [Ames] in 2015, and it became about him for a while. Then we broke up about a year later, so it wasn’t about him anymore. Which is how these things go. The songs change who they’re about a lot.

It came out of the time I’d spent doing a lot of meditation, thinking about the nature of things. That whole thing of, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Yes, it does. Because a vibration happens. Whether or not you’re there to hear it. I exist whether or not you see me. These things about me are true whether or not you acknowledge them. That’s at least the second verse. “But I know a sound is still a sound/around no one.”

The line about the pulse “And I know when I go all my particles disband and disperse / and I’ll be back in the pulse.” — that was the experience I’d had this one day after six days straight of meditating at Spirit Rock in Woodacre, California, in a group of about 75 women in 2010. I had this throbbing in my head. Then I remembered this advice someone had given me, which was to just surrender — allow yourself to fall through water, stop trying to do anything. And for some reason, I was able to do that, and the throbbing in my head left. But then everybody was throbbing — everything. I’d never had an experience like that, and it’s hard for me to remember what it felt like now, but it’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.

I knew then what life and death was. It’s this pulse. And we all share it, and it sounds so cheesy. But it wasn’t in my head; it was out of it. It was among us all. It was something we were all in together. It was like this place of home, this pulse we would all be in. I felt like I had found it and everything felt so beautiful. I felt like if I opened my eyes, maybe it would disappear. But I opened my eyes and it was still happening. I left the meditation hall, and it was still happening. I walked down the hill, and there were these horses that never paid attention to me. But I felt there was this understanding between us. I felt all of this. And after a while it went away. But I remember that that was there. It changed everything for me. Just knowing, “Okay, no matter what happens, that’s where home is. That’s what the reality is. I know it’s there.” Shameika

[Verse 1] I used to walk down the streets On my way to school Grinding my teeth to a rhythm invisible I used my feet to crush dead leaves like they had fallen from trees Just for me, just to be crash cymbals

[Pre-Chorus] In class, I'd pass the time Drawing a slash for every time The second hand went by a group of five Done twelve times was a minute

[Chorus] But Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential

[Verse 2] I used to march down the windy, windy sidewalks Slapping my leg with a riding crop Thinking it made me come off so tough I didn't smile, because a smile always seemed rehearsed I wasn't afraid of the bullies, and that just made the bullies worse

[Pre-Chorus] In class, I'd pass the time Drawing a slash for every time The second hand went by a group of five Done twelve times was a minute

[Chorus] But Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential

[Bridge] Hurricane Gloria in excelsis deo That's my bird in my tree My dog and my man and my music is my holy trinity Hurricane Gloria in excelsis deo That's my bird in my tree My dog and my man and my music is my holy trinity

[Verse 3] Tony told me he'd describe me as pissed off, funny, and warm Sebastian said I'm a good man in a storm Back then I didn't know what potential meant And Shameika wasn't gentle and she wasn't my friend but She got through to me and I'll never see her again She got through to me and I'll never see her again I'm pissed off, funny, and warm I'm a good man in a storm And when the fall is torrential, I'll recall

[Chorus] Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential

[Verse 3] Tony told me he'd describe me as pissed off, funny, and warm Sebastian said I'm a good man in a storm Back then I didn't know what potential meant But Shameika wasn't gentle and she wasn't my friend But she got through to me and I'll never see her again She got through to me and I'll never see her again I'm pissed off, funny, and warm I'm a good man in a storm And when the fall is torrential, I'll recall

[Chorus] Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential Shameika said I had potential

Shameika is real. When I first wrote the song, I was not entirely convinced she existed. Because I have this one memory and it’s a very big memory for me. But maybe I created this person. My third-grade teacher, Linda Kunhart, was my favorite teacher. I’ve kept in touch with her over the years. She read the New Yorker article, and the next day, she sent me an email saying, “I heard you wrote about Shameika. I can see her …” She sent me a picture of her.

I don’t remember what grade she was in. I was probably 11 or so. I don’t remember why she was talking to me. I just remember being in the cafeteria, a bunch of girls at one end of the table. I came over to sit with them, and they started laughing at me. So I sat one seat away but still tried to be close to them. Shameika came up, and she was like, “Why are you trying to sit with those girls? You have potential.” That was all she said to me. But I had remembered that maybe she was a bully or something. Then I got sent this picture of her, and she’s so cute — she doesn’t look like a bully at all. She’s just got this big smile on her face. But on the piece of paper that Miss Kunhart sent me, there’s this short essay Shameika had written on the top. And, man, it is amazing. It’s all about how she got put up to do this thing in church, in the service. And everybody was laughing because she was so cute and she messed up words or something. And she was so pissed. She was like, “They used me to bring the people in there, to think it was cute. They used me.” I was like, This little kid realized what the fuck was going on.

I’m terrified to think — what if she’s not a nice person nowadays? Or maybe she hates me or something. I’d be afraid for her to hear it. But I think about that little picture of her. She’s so sweet. My middle-school experience is still so important to me. Mainly because that’s where my relationship to women started getting fucked up. It’s awful how many memories I have with having a friend be with me and then having a more popular girl say to that friend, “Okay, you can be friends with Fiona or you can be friends with me. Choose.” And I never got chosen. Fetch the bolt cutters

[Verse 1] I've been thinking about when I was trying to be your friend I thought it was then, but it wasn't, it wasn't genuine I was just so furious, but I couldn't show you 'Cause I know you and I know what you can do And I don't want a war with you, I won't afford it You get sore, even when you win

[Verse 2] And you maim when you're on offense But you kill when you're on defense And you've got them all convinced That you're the means and the end All the VIPs and PYTs and wannabes Afraid of not being your friend

[Verse 3] And I've always been too smart for that But you know what? My heart was not I took it like a kid, you see The cool kids voted to get rid of me I'm ashamed of what it did to me What I let get done It stole my fun, it stole my fun

[Chorus 1] Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters

[Post-Chorus] He sings so nice, I guess he tries (I've been thinking about when I was trying to be your friend) (I thought it was then, but it wasn't, it wasn't genuine)

[Chorus 2] Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters (I've been in here too long) Whatever happens, whatever happens (Whatever happens) Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters

[Verse 4] While I'd not yet found my bearings Those it girls hit the ground Comparing the way I was to the way she was Sayin' I'm not stylish enough and I cry too much And I listened because I hadn't found my own voice yet So all I could hear was the noise that People make when they don't know shit But I didn't know that yet

[Verse 5] I grew up in the shoes they told me I could fill When they came around, I would stand real still A girl can roll her eyes at me and kill I got the idea I wasn't real I thought being blacklisted would be grist for the mill Until I realized I'm still here (I'm still here) I grew up in the shoes they told me I could fill Shoes that were not made for running up that hill And I need to run up that hill, I need to run up that hill I will, I will, I will, I will, I will

[Chorus 2] Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters, whatever happens, whatever happens Fetch the bolt cutters, I've been in here too long Fetch the bolt cutters, whatever happens, whatever happens Fetch the bolt cutters (I've been in here too long) Whatever happens, whatever happens

[Outro] Fetch the bolt cutters, fetch the bolt cutters Fetch the bolt cutters, fetch the bolt cutters (I will, I will) Fetch the bolt cutters, fetch the bolt cutters Fetch the bolt cutters, fetch the bolt cutters Fetch the bolt cutters, fetch the bolt cutters Whatever happens, whatever happens Whatever happens, whatever happens Fetch the bolt cutters (Whatever happens, whatever happens), fetch the bolt cutters

When I wrote this one, we had enough songs for the album and I wasn’t even going to be writing other songs. Then I ended up being like, “Wait, hold on. We’re not done yet. I have another song coming. I have something else to get out.”

The album was going to be called Fetch the Bolt Cutters before I had a song called “Fetch the Bolt Cutters.” When I started writing the song I was like, “Is this cheesy to write a song that’s the title?” And I think “Fetch the Bolt Cutters” is probably the theme of it. I know in the New Yorker piece it says something like, “What it’s about is not being afraid to speak.” But it’s more than that. It’s about breaking out of whatever prison you’ve allowed yourself to live in, whether you built that prison for yourself or whether it was built around you and you just accepted it. The message in the whole record is just: Fetch the fucking bolt cutters and get yourself out of the situation that you’re in — whatever it is that you don’t like. Under the table

[Intro] I would beg to disagree But begging disagrees with me I would beg to disagree But begging disagrees with me

[Verse 1] I told you I didn't wanna go to this dinner You know I don't go for those ones that you bother about So when they say something that makes me start to simmer That fancy wine won't put this fire out, oh

[Chorus] Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up

[Verse 2] I'd like to buy you a pair of pillow-soled hiking boots To help you with your climb Or rather, to help the bodies that you step over along your route So they won't hurt like mine

[Chorus] Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up

[Post-Chorus] And if I don't wanna go, leave me alone Don't push me, cookie, don't push me, don't you push me If you get me to go and I open my mouth To the fucking mutton that they're talking about You can pout, but don't you, don't you Don't you, don't you, don't you shush me

[Chorus] Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up Kick me under the table all you want (I would beg to disagree) I won't shut up, I won't shut up (But begging disagrees with me) Kick me under the table all you want (I would beg to disagree) I won't shut up, I won't shut up (But begging disagrees with me)

[Bridge] I would beg to disagree But begging disagrees with me I would beg to disagree But begging disagrees with me I would beg to disagree But begging disagrees with me

[Chorus] Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up Kick me under the table all you want (I would beg to disagree) I won't shut up, I won't shut up (I would beg to disagree) Kick me under the table all you want (I would beg to disagree) I won't shut up, I won't shut up (But begging disagrees with me) Kick me under the table all you want (I would beg to disagree) I won't shut up, I won't shut up (But begging disagrees with me)

This was inspired by a particular dinner where there was lots of expensive wine and lots of bragging about things I wouldn’t brag about. I won’t say too much about it, but somebody said something I thought was offensive. It was not the kind of dinner where you’re supposed to call somebody out. But I didn’t want to be there in the first place. So I called the guy out. And may have messed the dinner up a little bit. But I was right. The hiking-boot line“I’d like to buy you a pair of pillow-soled hiking boots/To help you with your climb/Or rather, to help the bodies that you step over along your route/So they won’t hurt like mine.” is like, “Hey kid, I know you’re using me. Let me make this easier for you, little baby. Okay?” Like, “Fucker, you don’t think I see what you’re doing right now? You think you’re fucking helping me? I know you’re using me. Let me help you use me. Okay?”

Walking and hiking and marching have always been very important to me for thinking, and also for making music. Leaves fall and I tap the rhythms. Then the rhythms would continue all day. That’s actually a reason why it takes me a long time to make records. If I hear the same thing or if I do the same thing too many times in a row, I won’t stop hearing it. It’s worse than an earworm. It’s like torture. So I have to not let my own work torture me. Because then I get so sick of it; I hit a wall really fast. And once I hit a wall, I’m no good anymore. I’m not going to do any more good work. Relay

[Chorus] Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch

[Verse 1] I resent you for being raised right I resent you for being tall I resent you for never getting any opposition at all I resent you for having each other I resent you for being so sure I resent you presenting your life like a fucking propaganda brochure

[Pre-Chorus] And I see that you keep trying to bait me And I'd love to get up in your face But I know if I hate you for hating me I will have entered the endless race

[Chorus] Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport (Evil is) When the one who's burned (Evil is) Turns to pass the torch (Evil is a relay sport) Evil is a relay sport (Evil is) When the one who's burned (Evil is) Turns to pass the torch (Evil is a relay sport)

[Pre-Chorus] And I see that you keep trying to bait me And I'd love to get up in your face But I know it if I hate you for hating me I will have entered the endless race

[Chorus] Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport (Evil is) When the one who's burned (Evil is) Turns to pass the torch (Evil is a relay sport) Evil is a relay sport (Evil is) When the one who's burned (Evil is) Turns to pass the torch (Hurt myself even more)

[Interlude] I'm sorry

[Chorus] Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch Evil is a relay sport When the one who's burned Turns to pass the torch

[Outro] Wipe it all away Wipe it all away I used to go to the Ferris wheel every morning Just to throw my anger out the door

I wrote the line, “Evil is a relay sport, when the one you burn turns to pass the torch” when I was 15. I just always liked it. [If] you get burned by somebody, when the person who burns you doesn’t acknowledge it — which rarely happens to people, acknowledging when they’ve burned you — it turns into you not knowing what to do with it. Then you just put it on somebody else. The assault when I was 12 made me think about innocence and guilt and forgiveness. It made me think about a lot of big things. Because the first thing I did after it happened was pray for him. But you can’t stop at praying for them. You have to hold them responsible.

The Kavanaugh hearings in 2018 brought on a lot of shit to deal with. I don’t know what it is, that guy. There are so many of them out there, but that one guy — the fact that he’s on the Supreme Court really is probably the thing, but his fucking attitude is just like — it was the externalized version of what you know a lot of them are feeling inside. Just this indignant, “How could you be mad at me? Don’t make me suffer. But I’m married, but I have kids, so I can’t be a bad guy. But I was just young, don’t be so mean to me, that girl’s being mean to me.” Oh my God. Thank you, fucking Brett Kavanaugh, for letting my anger see the light of day: Thank you for being so horrible.

It’s funny because the 15-year-old me wrote the deeper lyric, and then the 42-year-old me wrote the “Fuck you” to everybody out there acting like your lives are perfect. Basically dealing with all of the 15-year-old kinds of resentments that I would’ve had. “I resent you for being raised right” is funny to me. “I resent you for being tall” is totally petty, but I’d started writing it because of this really terrible thing that had happened and my feelings about guilt and innocence. [On the line “I resent you presenting your life like a fucking propaganda brochure”]: I get so pissed off at the idea of influencers because they seem to end up being exactly the people who should not be influencing anybody. I know if I were to get into social media, I would absolutely fall prey to comparing myself to everybody else. The reason I don’t get into it is because I can see what’s happening: Everybody’s comparing themselves to everybody else. It’s really a terrible way to live. People are just trying to fuck with people over the internet. Rack of His

[Verse 1] I gave you pictures and cards on non-holidays And it wasn't because I was bored I followed you from room to room with no attention And it wasn't because I was bored

[Chorus] It was because I was loving you so much It's the only reason I gave my time to you And that's it, that's the kick in you giving up 'Cause you know you won't like it when there's nothing to do

[Verse 2] Check out that rack of his, look at that row of guitar necks Lined up like eager fillies, outstretched like legs of Rockettes They don't know what they are in for and they don't care, but I do I thought you would wail on me like you wail on them, but it was just a coochie-coo-coups

[Chorus] And meanwhile I'm loving you so much It's the only reason I gave my time to you And that's it, that's the kick in you giving up 'Cause you know you won't like it when there's nothing to do

[Chorus] Meanwhile I'm loving you so much That's the only reason that I gave my time to you And that's it, that's the kick in you giving up 'Cause you know you don't like it when there's nothing to do

[Bridge] And I've been used so many times I've learned to use myself in kind I try to drum, I try to write I can't do either well but Oh well, that's fine, I guess 'Cause I know how to spend my time [Outro] (I know how to spend my time) (I know how to spend my time) (I know how to spend my time, oh) (Try to drum, I try to write, oh) (Meanwhile I'm loving you so much) (Meanwhile I'm loving you so much) (Meanwhile I'm loving you so much)

This song is about at least two relationships. I hardly ever write a song about just one person, but there was one time that I wrote a song that was not a nice song, and it was about one person, and I felt the need to tell that one person and play them that song before it came out, and it went fine. But that’s the only time I ever told somebody. Once someone asked if a song was about them, but it wasn’t about them, so it ended up being a worse answer: “Oh, no, I wasn’t thinking about you. Sorry about that.”

I started writing it years ago, and I did a couple versions. It was problematic because I just didn’t like it. And so I deconstructed it and put it back together. It was very piano driven, and I had written it on the piano when I was very young. It just didn’t fit how I felt anymore. It was a little too bouncy. It was probably fine, but, as my friend Bella would say, “It was not wearing the dress that I wanted it to go to the party in.” So I needed to redress it.

David [Garza, a member of Apple’s band] said something like, “Oh, I did terrible things to that rack of his,” and we were like, “Oh, that’s what the song will be called, ‘I Did Terrible Things to That Rack of His.’” It just made me laugh so much. I was trying to do something with it for over a decade — certain lines would peek out from a notebook, and I’ll be like, Whoa, I know what the next thing to do is, all of the sudden, that I didn’t know ten years ago. I hadn’t been thinking about it for ten years, but if I’m sitting at the piano and I’m like, “Oh, right, there was that thing I played. Oh, I never finished that. Oh, I know what line could come after that.” Sometimes I’ll start something and I just know I don’t know enough to add onto it, so I have to wait until I know enough. Newspaper

I too used to want him to be proud of me And then I just wanted him to make amends I wonder what lies he's telling you about me To make sure that we'll never be friends And it's a shame because you and I didn't get a witness We're the only ones who know We were cursed the moment that he kissed us From then on, it was his big show

I grew concerned when I saw him start to covet you When I learned what he did, I felt close to you In my own way, I fell in love with you But he's made me a ghost to you I watch him let go of your hand, I wanna stand between you But it's not what I'm supposed to do I watch him walk over, talk over you, be mean to you And it makes me feel close to you It makes me feel close to you It makes me feel close to you It's not what it's supposed to do It makes me feel close to you

I too wanted to make him proud of me And then I just wanted him to make amends I wonder what lies he's telling you about me To make sure that we'll never be friends And it's a shame because you and I didn't get a witness We're the only ones who know We were cursed the moment that he kissed us From then on, it was his big show From then on, it was his big show From then on, it was his big show

And you're wearing time like a flowery crown Sitting that, sitting that big cat down And I'm alone on the summit now Trying not to let my light go out

I too used to want him to be proud of me And then I just wanted him to make amends I wonder what lies he's telling you about me To make sure that we'll never be friends And it's a shame because you and I did not get a witness We’re the only ones who know We were cursed the moment that he kissed us From then on, it was his big show

I grew concerned when I saw him start to covet you When I learned what he did, I felt close to you In my own way, I fell in love with you But he's made me a ghost to you I watch him let go of your hand, I wanna stand between you But it's not what I'm supposed to do I watch him walk over you, talk over you, be mean to you And it makes me feel close to you

And you're wearing time like a flowery crown Sitting there, sitting that big cat down And I'm alone on the summit now Trying not to let my light go out Trying not to let my light go out And you're wearing time like a flowery crown Sitting there, sitting that big cat down And I'm alone on the summit now Trying not to let my light go out

Oh, I too used to want him to be proud of me And then I just wanted him to make amends I wonder what lies he's told you about me To make sure that we'll never be friends To make sure that we'll never be friends To make sure that we'll never be friends To make sure that we'll never be friends

This is also about two specific people. I don’t think they will even be aware of it. This stuff comes out of feeling myself suppressing the urge to reach out to them and be friends. A lot of times when I write songs, it’s because I can’t get through to the person in real life. That’s how it all started, the writing. I would write letters to my parents because they wouldn’t listen to me. I would write letters so they’d have to be quiet until the letter was over, so they wouldn’t interrupt me. If I try to get in touch with somebody and talk through things, and they won’t talk to me, then, sorry, I got to write a song.

When I say, “I don’t think that they’ll be aware of it,” that’s me not getting my hopes up. I don’t expect anything to come from it. I have to express it somehow. I don’t think they’ll hear it, but I have to say it anyway. The tree has to fall, even if no one’s around.

I don’t know why I’d called it “Newspaper,” but that’s what it was named on the file of the percussion orchestra I made. I probably didn’t know what to call the file, and so I probably had a newspaper next to me and just wrote “Newspaper.”

My sister Maude’s vocals are on this, and during her vocals, she was breastfeeding. Ladies

[Intro] Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies

[Verse 1] Ruminations on the looming effect and the parallax view And the figure and the form and the revolving door that keeps Turning out more and more good women like you Yet another woman to whom I won't get through Ruminations on the looming effect and the parallax view And the figure and the form and the revolving door that keeps Turning out more and more good women like you Yet another woman to whom I won't get through

[Verse 2] Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, take it easy When he leaves me, please be my guest To whatever I might've left in his kitchen cupboards In the back of his bathroom cabinets

[Verse 3] And oh yes, oh yes, oh yes There's a dress in the closet Don't get rid of it, you'd look good in it I didn't fit in it, it was never mine It belonged to the ex-wife of another ex of mine She left it behind with a note, one line, it said "I don't know if I'm coming across, but I'm really trying" She was very kind

[Chorus] Fruit bat Cuter than a button, mutton-head maniac Fruit bat Cuter than a button, mutton-head maniac

[Verse 4] Nobody can replace anybody else So it would be a shame to make it a competition And no love is like any other love So it would be insane to make a comparison with you

[Verse 5] Ruminations on the looming effect and the parallax view And the figure and the form and the revolving door that keeps Turning out more and more good women like you Yet another woman to whom I won't get through

[Chorus] Ooh Cuter than a button, mutton-head maniac

[Refrain] Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies

[Verse 6] And no love is like any other love So it would be insane to make a comparison with you

[Refrain] Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies

[Outro] Yet another woman to whom I won't get through Yet another woman to whom I won't get through Yet another woman to whom I won't get through Yet another woman to whom I won't get through Yet another woman to whom I won't get through

This album is a lot of not letting men pit us against each other or keep us separate from each other so they can control the message. I remember my grandmother used to talk about my grandfather and his mistress. And his mistress actually was his wife for the rest of his life. They were married for 50 years. But to her, she was always mad at this mistress. And it was always like, “Man, she didn’t do it. Our grandfather did it. Your husband cheated on you. She just fell in love with some guy. Then they were together forever afterwards and had a family. Be mad at the right person, don’t feel mad at the wrong person.” Later on in life, I’m with a guy. I found out he’s seeing some other woman. I meet that other woman — I’m nice to that other woman. She didn’t do it. She didn’t cheat on me.

Maude is on “Ladies,” too. She’s singing harmonies, and she wrote one of the background parts. I like the word ladies, and then it just got to be really fun to say it in different ways, being like, “Ladies, ladies, ladies,” and then like, “Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies,” just all these different ways of talking to girls. Like, “Ladies, we better get into it,” and like, “Ladies are so nice.” Heavy balloon

[Verse 1] People like us, we play with a heavy balloon We keep it up to keep the devil at bay, but it always falls way too soon People like us, we play with a heavy balloon We keep it up to keep the devil at bay, but it always falls way too soon People like us, we play with a heavy balloon We keep it up to keep the devil at bay, but it always falls way too soon

[Chorus] I spread like strawberries (I spread like strawberries) I climb like peas and beans (I climb like peas and beans) I've been sucking it in so long That I'm busting at the seams I spread like strawberries (I spread like strawberries) I climb like peas and beans (I climb like peas and beans) I've been sucking it in so long That I'm busting at the seams

[Verse 2] In the middle of the day, it's like the sun But the Saharan one, it's staring me down Forcing all forms of life inside of me to retreat underground It grows relentless like the teeth of a rat It's just got to keep on gnawing at me And it constricts like a boa on a hose, nothing flows So the pressure grows instead of the seed

[Verse 3] People like us get so heavy and so lost sometimes So lost and so heavy that the bottom is the only place we can find You get dragged down, down to the same spot enough times in a row The bottom begins to feel like the only safe place that you know But you know what?

[Outro] (I spread like strawberries), I spread like strawberries I climb like (I climb like peas and beans) I spread like strawberries I climb like peas and beans I spread like strawberries I climb like peas and beans (That I'm busting at the seams) (1) I spread like strawberries I climb like peas and beans

The imagery of that one came to me years ago, because a boyfriend of mine was talking to me about his father and his depression. The way he was describing his father moving around the house being weighed down by something made me think, We’re just always trying to keep it up; oh my God, this is not staying off me long enough, I just can’t really move around. It’s this hindrance, this obligation, this constant thing to be taken care of.

Apple elaborates on the image of depression as a heavy balloon:

(1) About this line, Fiona told Vulture:

I got that out of a children’s gardening book. Because strawberries are rhizomes, and so they grow in this network sideways, and peas and beans, they climb up, you can put them on trellises and stuff. I’m sure they probably grow other ways too, but that was just a little fact I thought was very, very cute. And uplifting, and like, “I’m all right, it’s okay, don’t worry about me. I’m like strawberries, I’m going to spread myself out and take over this whole garden. Cosmonauts

[Verse 1] Your face ignites a fuse to my patience Whatever you do, it's gonna be wrong There's no time to interrupt the detonation Be good to me before you're gone When I met you, I was fine with my nothing I grew with you and now I've changed What I've become is something I can't be without your loving Be good to me, it isn't a game

[Pre-Chorus] Now let me see, it's you and me, forgive, good God How do you suppose that we'll survive? Come on, that's right, left, right Make lighter of all the heavier

[Bridge] When you resist me, hon', I cease to exist Because I only like the way I look when looking through your eyes And when you come back You commemorate the penetration of the sun into the deep, dark sky

[Pre-Chorus] Now let me see, it's you and me, forgive, good God How do you suppose that we'll survive? Come on, that's right, left right Make lighter of all the heavier

[Chorus] 'Cause you and I will be like a couple of cosmonauts Except with way more gravity than when we started off Oh, you and I will be like a couple of cosmonauts Except with way more gravity than when we started off [Post-Chorus] Start it, start it off, start it off Start it, start it off, start it off, baby Start it, start it off, start it off now Start it, start it off, start it off, baby Start it, start it off, start it, start it, Start it, start it

[Chorus] You and I will be like a couple of cosmonauts Except with way more gravity than when we started off Oh, you and I will be like a couple of cosmonauts Except with way more gravity than when we started off

[Post-Chorus] Start it, start it off, start it off Start it, start it off, start it off, baby Start it, start it off, start it off now Start it, start it off, start it off, baby Start it, start it off, start it, start it Start it, start it, Start it, start it off, start it off, baby Start it, start it off, start it off now Start it, start it off, start it off, baby Start it, start it off, start it, start it Start it, start it

[Outro] Now we'll be like a couple of cosmonauts Except with way more gravity than when we started off Oh, you and I will be like a couple of cosmonauts Except with way more gravity than when we started off

I don’t think long-term monogamy is impossible, just because you see it happen. It just depends. Some people are made for it and some people aren’t, and then some people think they aren’t made for it, but then they meet exactly the right person. It’s almost a matter of luck, if your chemistry happens to bump into the chemistry of somebody else, then it might just work, because you react to each other in different ways. I did have hope when I was writing that song, and honestly, there’s absolutely hope that I could find a relationship. But I don’t really want to. I really just don’t want to. I like my life how it is, and I don’t feel very romantic these days. For her

[Verse 1] Look at how feathered his cocks are See how seamless his frocks are Look at his paper-beating over that rockstar Look at how long she walks and how far Was she lost? Or Maybe she was not for Traveling in the stock car anymore Maybe she spent her formative years Dealing with his contentious fears And endless jeers at her endless tears Or maybe she just got tired of watching him

[Verse 2] Sniff white off a starlet's breast Treating his wife like less than a guest Getting his girl to clean up his mess Never showing weakness unless it's a ward's season It's the season of the ward And she's trying to cut the cord She's tired of planting her knees on the cold, hard floor of facts Trying to act like the other girl acts

[Pre-Chorus] And your strike may have been exact But you know that you never really go to the mat You tie everything all pretty in the second act When you know that it didn't go exactly like that

[Chorus] You arrive and drive by like a sauced up bat Like you know you should know, but you don't know where it's at Like you know you should know, but you don't know where it's at Like you know you should know, but you don't know where it's at You arrive and drive by like a sauced up bat Like you know you should know, but you don't know where it's at You arrive and drive by like a sauced up bat

[Post-Chorus] Like you know you should know, but you don't know where it's at Like you know you should know, but you don't know what you did Like you know, you should know what happened when I came to bed Like you know you should know, but you don't know Like you know you should know, but you don't know Like you know you should know, but you don't know what you did

[Bridge] Well, good morning Good morning You raped me in the same bed your daughter was born in Good morning Good morning Good morning Good morning Good morning (Like you know you should know, but you don't know Like you know you should know, but you don't know Like you know you should know, but you don't know)

[Outro] You were so high You were so high You were so high

“For Her” was a very difficult one to get done because it went through so many changes and it contains so many stories that are not even mine. It’s partly inspired by conversations I had with this woman I knew years ago, when she had been an intern for a film-production company, and she gave me permission to write a song about this. It’s really a song for her. To, in a roundabout way, tell her story that she’s not able to tell. It’s relevant that she started as an intern because that’s why the lyrics are, “It’s a ward’s season, the season of the ward.” She said he always talked about her like she was his “ward,” like he was there to protect her from all of Hollywood’s creeps.

It’s one of those situations where she didn’t consider it rape because of the relationship she had with this person. On top of that, this person was so fucked up that they didn’t know who she was. And so she assumed they didn’t know they had done this to her. She spent years protecting him from the knowledge of that, and in so doing, really hurt herself. She was like, “Did it really happen?” And I was like, “That sounds like it really fucking happened. What you’re describing. Yeah, that’s rape.”

That song was a very difficult one to do, because you don’t want to be too literal, but you also want to put some things in there for this woman so the guy knows she knows. Even though it’s an awkward thing to say in a song — “You raped me” — some people need to say it out loud in order to understand that’s what happened to them. And my hope is that maybe some women and men will be able to sing along with that line and allow it to tell the truth for them. Because sometimes it’s just really hard to say, especially if you don’t want to hurt the person who did it to you. It’s hard to say something that harsh about it. So even though I felt like, Wow, it’s just a clunky thing to put in the middle of a song, I also feel it’ll be important to the people it matters to.

And of course it brings up stuff of my own. It started out me wanting to write something about my own feelings, but it was just too hard. I wanted to make it about not just me but about other people. And this woman really got to me. I spent so much time recording it in different ways until I realized that I needed to have a bunch of other women singing with me on it. Drumset

[Verse 1] The drumset is gone And the rug it was on Is still here screaming at me Why did you take it all away? Why did you take it all away? And the dialing of the phone Is no longer fun Since you've been done with me And you don't want to talk with me at all Why'd you take it all away? I did nothing wrong I don't believe it, I don't believe it I don't believe your reasoning Now I understand you're a human And you've got to lie, you're a man And you've got to get what you want How you want it but so do I And I wanted to try

[Chorus] Why did you not want to try? Why did you take it all away? Why did you not want to try? Why did you take it all away? Why did you not want to try? Why did you take it all away? Why did you not want to try? Why did you take it all away?

[Post-Chorus] Why did you take it all away? (You took it all away) Why did you take it all away? (You took it all away, took it) Why did you take it all away? (You took it all away) Why did you take it all away? (You took it all away)

[Verse 2] The drumset is gone And the rug it was on Is still here screaming at me (You took it all away, took it) Why did you take it all away? Why did you take it all away? (You took it all away, took it) And the dialing of the phone (You took it all away, took it) Is no longer fun (You took it all away, took it) Since you've been done with me And you don't want to talk with me at all Why'd you take it all away? I did nothing wrong I don't believe it, I don't believe it I don't believe your reasoning Now I understand you're a human And you've got to lie, you're a man And you've got to get what you want How you want it, but so do I And I wanted to try

Jonathan had broken up with me, and I think I was expecting everybody to break up with me. If he didn’t want to work on things with me, and I know he loves me, then you guys aren’t going to work on things with me either. Because [the band and I] had this little argument and then they took some of their instruments away. I misinterpreted it as that they were pissed at me and that they weren’t going to come back. That was me sitting there going, “Aw, nobody loves me.” Amy didn’t actually take the drums from my house. She took them out, but it’s because she had a gig. I took it to mean everybody was mad at me.

I picked up my phone after my band left, and I sang into it, “The drum set is gone, and the rug it was on is still here, screaming at me.” It’s the same thing I used to do when I was a kid. When I would walk home from school, there was a mirror when I walked in the door where we would hang our keys. I would open up the front door and just sing whatever came to my mind. I often found that would reveal what I was really thinking to myself and it would start me creating things.

Nothing changed in the lyrics from what I sang into the phone, which is why the lyrics are not very poetic. Then we recorded it in one take. I was playing a chair, and we were all sitting in this one corner of my house. There’s a certain part where you can sort of hear me laughing because I’m playing the chair and Mercy comes up to me and starts kissing me while we’re recording. No one else would be able to hear it, but whenever I hear that song, I’ll be able to remember that moment. On I go

On I go, not toward or away Up until now it was day, next day Up until now in a rush to prove But now I only move to move

On I go, not toward or away Up until now it was day, next day Up until now in a rush to prove But now I only move to move On I go, not toward or away Up until now it was day, next day Up until now in a- Ah, fuck, shit Oh

In the long run If I get there in In the long run (It could be alright) It could be alright (If I get there in time) In the long run If I get there in (If I get there in time) It could be alright (If I get there in time) Be alright (If I get there in time) In the long run In the long run In the long run

On I go, not toward or away Up until now it was day, next day Up until now in a rush to prove But now I only move to move

This was my version of the Vipassana chant that I sang in jail. I sang it during the night just to calm myself down. When we were all in the waiting room, there was a camera and I was stupidly, defiantly, singing towards the camera. It’s not a good idea to have any sarcasm or personality at all when you’re dealing with cops. Just politeness and, “Okay, sir.” As much as it fucking hurts to do it, that’s the lesson.

I don’t remember exactly the meaning of the chant, but it’s fun to sing, and it means that feelings arise and fall away again, and it’s all impermanent. To be at peace with this concept is to be happy. That’s what that song means, but I would start to just sing it while I was hiking. When I walk, I walk on rhythm, and I have to keep that rhythm going for the whole time that I’m walking. It usually means that I end up singing along, at least in my head. Then when I was walking, I started doing that chant, but then … it just stopped meaning so much to me, and I started to make up my own little chant to tell myself what I believed about my life going forward.

What I really wanted it to be about was, there doesn’t have to be any specific meaning or reward or consequence of the things I’m doing. I do them because I enjoy doing them. I do them for the doing of them, not for the results. I’m going to make music for myself, to get myself through things, and not think about what other people think about it. I don’t want to prove anything anymore. That can happen in the long run, but for now I do things because I want to do them, because I like to do them. I don’t do them for any other reason.

There’s no past, there’s no present. It’s not like, “Oh, stay in the present” — it’s just basically, “I’m going to do what I’m going to do, and I’m going to have fun, and I’m going to decide when I’m going to stop doing it, and I’m going to decide when I start doing it.” I’m just going to move to move, it doesn’t matter what it looks like, it doesn’t matter what you think it looks like, it doesn’t matter what you think it means or what I think it means. It’s just happening; it just is. And that’s all right.